Jaws 4: The Revenge, by Richard Jeni (stand-up routine)
On the road, sometimes I have nothing to do so I sit in my hotel until 4 in the morning and watch cable movies. I figured out that there are two types of movies on cable: the good ones, and the ones that are on when you're home.
I'm hanging in there to see something good, like Gone With the Wind. I was just sitting down and boom... Jaws 4: The Revenge. What a suprise. I actually sat there and watched it. If you have any doubt that you are wasting your life, spend a night with one sweat sock and a bag of shitty popcorn watching Jaws 4: The Revenge. You know what the title should have been? Here's a Fish, You're a Moron.
Have you ever seen a movie where they don't even try to have it make sense, they just slap you in the face with how shitty it is? You're sitting there, and you're going, "Maybe this movie isn't so bad and maybe I'm not wasting my life," and the movie slaps you in the face and goes:
Yes you are.
and you say "Are you sure?" and the movie continuously slaps you and says:
"Well how do you know?"
Well, look at you *slap* sitting there at 4 in the morning *slap*, with
one sweat sock *slap* and a bag of shitty popcorn *slap* watching a movie about a shark *slap* that only kills one family out of an ocean full of perfectly
*slap* edible *slap* people *slap* for no reason that we ever bothered to explain *slap* and we can't pry you off the bed with a spatula because you think it's bound *slap* to *slap* get *slap* better *slap* if you keep watching.
Because that's why you're watching it. You're going, "It cant be this bad!
It must get better!"
But have you ever seen a movie with a plot that's so bad, even if you were
stupid... even if you were the supidest person... if you had no brain... I mean
imagine it you have no brain. It's a spinal cord, a sweat sock and a bag of shitty
popcorn, and your spinal cord's sitting there going:
"Hey hey hey!!! I'm only a spinal cord, but even I'm getting a little pissed off!"
If anyone has seen the movie they know I'm not making this up. The mother
of the family has about 4 members of her family killed by the shark in about a
week. So, a genius in her own right, the mother forms a plan... she says:
"Well, the shark is obviously after my family. There's only one thing to do. We're leaving town."
And you're sitting there, eating the shitty popcorn going, "Leaving town? Isn't that a pretty severe diversionary tactic to avoid a fish? I mean, wouldn't an apartment building suffice?"
OK, let's say he's a very ambitious shark. By the time he gets out, rents a car, drives to the apartment, comes up the elevator... you would probably smell fish and split out the window! So I'm sitting on my bed going, "Well, why doesn't the mother just not go in the water? Wouldn't that make more sense?" and the movie goes:
Yeah, well it would, but again this is stupid. *slap* You see, in a stupid
*slap* movie *slap* like this everyone in it is stupid. The mother is stupid *slap* the people who made it are stupid *slap* but none of them are quite as stupid as YOU *slap* are, because it is now 4:30 in the morning and you *slap* still *slap* think *slap* this *slap* shit *slap* will *slap* improve *slap*.
And I'm not saying that a movie has to be perfect, I mean... it's a movie... but this fish is doing what fish don't do. He's faxing people. HE'S A FISH!! Fish don't do shit! I've caught fish. They're not too brilliant. I have outsmarted fish with worms that don't belong in the water. Think about it: There's a worm that does not live there, on a hook that will rip his face open and this fish is sitting there thinking:
"Oh, what a lucky break: breakfast hanging right over my head
Now I'm not saying that I'm a genius, but it's a basic thing. I mean, if I jump into a pool and there's say... a hotdog on the bottom of the pool, I dont care how hungry I am, there's a few questions I want answered before I chow down. At least I want to know why no one else ate it. Then I'll climb out, grab a bun and some mustard and jump back in, and if you do then you deserve to be on someone else's wall hanging there and having people ask you:
"What are you doing there?"
"There was a hotdog... the bottom of the pool... I'm tired of talking about it. Dust me."
So anyway, now the mother's leaving town, and where does she go?
I mean this is an ideal place to go to avoid a shark! What are the chances of a fish being... say... in the ocean, what are the odds. And you're sitting there watching this on your bed going,
"The Bahamas... why doesn't the mother go to the north pole if she's really serious?"
Because it would be very rare if you're on a dog sled and the fin comes up thru the ice and the music starts. "He's gaining on us! Mush god damn it!"
You're sitting there going why doesn't the mother just go north? And the movie goes:
Well, you know *slap*
So now comes a turning point... if you don't turn the movie off now and go to sleep, please just get a visectomy now so there won't be anymore people in the world like you who support this shit. The mother has now had about 5 people killed by the shark, so in the next scene she has an affair with Michael Caine... a pretty standard reaction to multiple deaths in your immediate family. I mean like I would say:
"5 people in my family have been killed in one week... WOOF! am I horny! ooooo the death and the bloodshed! Hold me back, I'm vibrating god damn it! If I pass a fatal car crash on the way home I am just going to ovulate on the spot! I'm just going to drop an egg right here on the interstate if this keeps up!"
So now comes the climactic scene in the movie. The mother, having rejected the north pole as an alternative, heads for the bahamas on a concord traveling at 700 miles an hour. When she gets there, guess what? The shark has beat the jet! And this is the point when you start throwing popcorn at the television saying,
"Get out of here! Come on! That was a jet! I may be an idiot but that was a jet! I mean, wouldn't a jet be faster that a shark?I"
And the movie goes:
Yeah, well it would *slap* ... but this is a stupid *slap* film. You see, in a stupid movie *slap* shark *slap* is *slap* the *slap* fastest *slap* form *slap* of *slap* transportation *slap* available *slap* ... if you were going to London from New York forget concord *slap* catch the next fish out of town
Thank you! Thank you very much have a great day!