Mr. T "I pity da fool wid da slo link!"
World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis Game Show Mania


This... is... Jeopardy! Alex Trebek, Jeopardy! host


The Contestants


Ernest P. Worrell Kelly Bundy, Married With Children Jim Ignatowski, Taxi
Ernest Kelly Jim
Ernest P. Worrell Kelly Bundy Jim Ignatowski
The preceeding has been a Visual Bonanza (TM)
For Jeopardy! rules and other stuff, go to the Game $how Page.

This.... is.... Jeopardy!! (Music winds up, things start lighting up all over the studio, crowd applause begins). Now entering the studio are today's contestants: A drug addict from New York City who loves nothing better than to hang out in a taxi garage and share his insights on life, welcome Reverend Jim Ignatowski ("APPLAUSE"). Next, a sexy high-school drop-out from suburbia who knows how to get around, please welcome Kelly Bundy ("APPLAUSE"). Our third contestant, a janitor, basketball player, ex-convict, camp counselor, Santa, and treasure hunter, please welcome Ernest P. Worrell ("APPLAUSE").

The Commentary


BRIAN: I gotta go with Iggy on this one. The Reverend Jim has one distinct advantage over the other two contestants: he was smart at one time earlier in his life. He was in college (Harvard, I believe) studying away (law school, I believe) when someone game him one of those "special" brownies (we ain't talkin' Ex-lax here) and the rest, as they say, is history. What do the others have going for them? Ernest: nothing. I mean, I thought long and hard, but he's got nothing! Maybe you could say he was lucky, but luck won't cut it on Jeopardy! Kelly: good looks. What will that get her on Jeopardy!? Nothing! If Wink Martindale or Richard Dawson were hosting, she'd be the definite front runner, but I think we all know about Alex. My goodness, he's 47 and still lives with his mother! Do I have to spell it out?

Plus, Iggy's the only one with real friends (All Ernest has is Vern and all Kelly has is an endless string of guys as vacuous as she). And, I hate to talk dirty, but Iggy and his friends know how to cheat successfully (true Taxi fans will know what I am referring to). Iggy will win, and 30 years later they'll make a movie: Quiz Show 2.

SAM: After deliberation, under four hours, I must go with Ernest. Brian, you have neglected to consider many of the intricate facets associated with this competition. The one that first comes to mind is: heart. While Ernest lacks in articulation and poise, he certainly has no lack in personal drive and an inborn skill to overcome personal adversity. He was in jail- accused and convicted of a crime he didn't commit- and he overcame won in the end. He can also play a mean game of hoops.

The good reverend will be too wacked out to even notice he is even playing Jeopardy. Do you think he would even want to be there? I think that 5 minutes into the game he would have to be forcibly removed from the studio because he wouldn't stop ranting and raving long enough for Alex to provide the contestants with the answers. Its hard to say, but he most likely would be humming the Jeopardy theme song endlessly or mimicing the sound of the monitors when the clues randomly appear. Needless to say, he will not get to play final Jeopardy.

As for Kelly, the only advantage I can see is her "cueing in" speed. Her life is dedicated to pushing the right "buttons", and look at the shape of the buzzer. She will feel right at home. Ok, so she gets in first, what is she going to do then? Nothing. I predict that she too will not make it to final Jeopardy since she'll be showing cameraman #1 her flexibility and "button" skills.

Ernest came to win, which he will do by default.

STEVE: Both of you hint at the true issue here, but manage to dance around it like Johnny Cochran. Brian: Your Quiz Show 2 reference correctly assessed that Jeopardy! is indeed fixed. Sam: Your description of Kelly and her special skills was essentailly correct. Now, Gentlemen, if the show is fixed, obviously the judges must be in on it as well, and they don't suffer from "Alex Syndrome." Now take a close look at her picture. Who are the judges going to want to return again and again? Who are they going to want to shower with gifts and fabulous prizes? Who is going to get big-time ratings? I think the choice is clear: Kelly in the Tournament of Champions.


For Married With Children and Taxi links, visit Sitcoms Online.


The Results


Jim (328)

smokes

Kelly (321)

and

Ernest (146)


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Voter Comments


***RESPONSE OF THE WEEK(TM)*** New

The deciding factor in this match is attention span. Here's how it plays out. Earnest wins the toss and is allowed to go first. He says, "I'll take Intestinal Parasites for $100, Alex," despite the fact that this is not one of the categories. The name Alex rings a distant and somewhat tarnished bell in the depths of Jim's pharmacologically enhanced mind. He becomes convinced that Alex Trebek is in fact Alex Reager, Jim's old buddy from the garage.

Trebek insists that he was never a cab driver. An exotic dancer, yes; professional grout scraper, yes; the voice of Gleek the Space Monkey on the old Space Ghost cartoons, yes; cabbie, no. Jim becomes upset and wanders off the stage ranting incoherently. A production assistant gives Jim his year supply of Turtle Wax (tm) (roughly one half of a 8 oz. jar), and helps Jim off the set.

To this point, Kelly Bundy has been very attentive. Her brother Bud explained to her that if she answers a question correctly, she will win money. But when she realizes that the "money" is awarded as points rather than as an actual cash payment, she gives up. She wanders over to the off-camera area where the judges allegedly sit and discovers nothing but empty beer bottles and a few of Alex's biker magazines. Totally disillusioned, she sets out to prove once and for all which member of the crew is actually the best boy.

This leaves Earnest, who is standing behind his podium, asking for categories at random, pressing his buzzer, and striking intellectual poses for the camera. In a chain of events only slightly less improbable than the continued popularity of Baywatch (tm), Earnest asks for one of the categories that is on the board, hits his buzzer, gives the appropriate response, and phrases the response in the form of a question. Even though his score is currently -$17,850.27, as the only remaining contestant and the only one to provide an appropriate response, Earnest is declared the winner. Sadly, Earnest's negative score makes him inelligible for Final Jeopardy where the scores can really change, so the show ends five minutes early. As the lights in the studio fade, we see Earnest escorted from the building by armed security guards, and Alex weeping as his mother tries to comfort him.

-Dr. Dave



Everyone knows that behind that beautiful blonde buxom bimbo is a beautiful blonde buxom bimbo's brain just waiting to be...ah...umm... unbounded from its bodaciously beauteous bod to bounce the bimbo's brain power beyond the boorish borders of her competitors' intellect.

Bye bye

- Keith


It is clear that while Jim is usually quite aloof, he possesses a divine and unconsious wisdom. With such great thoughts as "Life is like an ice cream cone: you gotta eat it quick, or it'll melt and drip down your arm. And no one wants to go through life licking their arm." Or, "If I could be anyone in the world, I'd still be me, so I wouldn't have to get all new clothes." He's even a master of the subtleties of the English language, like the time when he offered to go to Marios and "buy you all a beer." And then decided "Heck, I'm rich. I'll buy you each a beer." Sure, years of drugs have damaged his once fine brain, but he's still got enough properly firing neurons to put these other slouches to shame.

Look for Earnest to bust out early and Kelly to never figure out how to use the buzzer properly. Jim will do well, but will occasionally buzz in and be called on to answer, only to respond with a blank look of complete bewilderment and to ask "What was the answer again?" which will be ruled as an incorrect question. However, this shouldn't cost him too much in the long run.

- Perry Friedman


We come back from the break and chat with the contestents. Now, Alex starts chatting with Ernest and while they're discussing cow coloration in Arkansas, one of the lighting rigs comes loose from the ceiling and lands on Alex's head. "Oooh, that's gotta hurt. y'all right, Al?" Fortunately, nothing but a submarine full of MX missiles can penetrate Alex's perm, so he's gonna be in fine shape heading into the double Jeopardy! round. Unfortunately, Alex does get knocked out for a couple of minutes, during which Vern is talking to the other contestents. Kelly's down for the count when the big "P" comes loose from the background and pins her,"Ooo, youch Kell," but don't worry, she'll clean up in court (O.J.'s team is looking for a new job, remember? (No, not the lawyers, the Bills-- they won't see a Super bowl anytime in the next milennium.)). So, Vern and Jim talk. Jim gets zapped when the buzzer shorts out and pumps him full of enough electricity to power all the marital aids in the Citadel for a month. This is nothing compared to the brown acid from Woodstock, however, so Jim's just peachy. In fact, he heads off to start a new fringe cult that worships Eric Estrada as a god, making millions in the process. Earnest wins by default, on the condition that he's never seen on film for the rest of his natural life.

I love happy endings, don't you?

- Rosencrantz


Well, let's have a quick look in at the show.

THE CATEGORIES: "Constellations", "Illegal Drugs", "Sexual Positions", "Classic Cars", "Christmas Stories", and "Rhymes with "Itch"".

Now, Kelly dominates "Constellations", because, as revealed in an M..WC episode, due to all the time she spends on her back outdoors she's memorized them all. So, $1500 to Kelly. She also gets a Daily Double, but doesn't bet anything because she failed math. She also takes the $100, $200, and $300 questions on "Sexual Positions", but the Reverend grabs the final two, just cause he's so depraved. So, $2100 Kelly, $900 Reverend. Ernest keeps buzzing in with "KnowhutImean?" but eventually his buzzer breaks. The Reverend cleans house on "Illegal Drugs": he's now at $2400. He also takes "Classic Cars" (heck, he worked around them, right?) so now he's at $3900. He spends the whole of "Christmas Stories" raving to himself while Ernest and Kelly manage to collectively answer everything in "Christmas Stories" wrong (he keeps saying "Santa!" and she keeps saying "Daddy"). And, Kelly gets the first one in the final category, but the impressively vocabularied Reverend takes the final four questions. So, final score, Reverend $5300, Kelly $2100, Ernest zippo. The second round goes much like the first, but the devious Reverend manages to get Kelly to bet everything she has on the Daily Double and she loses. The REVEREND WINS! THE REVEREND WINS! THE REVEREND WINS!

- Christopher Bird


Kelly is not only clueless, she is actively ignorant. That is she thinks she know the answer but is completely off base. (eg. during a round of the "name a place with the last letter of the last answer stuck in traffic game" Bud:"Alaska, Kelly 'A'" Kelly:"Alabamer, Daddy 'R'") That is part of what makes her so remarkable, she not only doesn't have her synapses firing in sync, she also lets the world know about it. This type of behavior is the reason why the "negative points for wrong answers" rule was invented.

Ernest has the problem of never shutting up. I mean have you ever heard Ernest speak a sentance as short as "What is a Quohog?" Ok so his "knowwhatImean" expression is a short one, but for him, thats just a single word, like a longer version of "ok". The "negative points for not answering the question in within 5 seconds rule" was invented specifically for people like this.

Jim's non-responsive, terse reply, personality will lead to his victory. He would probaly need only 1 correct response to win, (eg. answer:[Slow Down]).

- tmogi


Reverand Jim clearly has the best head for arcana. Who else would know whether the citizens of Deleware are called "Delawarians" or "Delawarites"?

- David Hyatt


Sometimes I wonder what you guys get from all the TV you watch. I'm talking experts here, on all sorts of arcane stuff, but you always miss the point. What did we learn from "Quiz Show the Movie"? The answers weren't actually given to the contestants (well, I admit that the movie did make it look that way but I watched "The $64,000 Question", "21" and the rest of those shows and I remember full well the truth), the questions were rigged to what the favored contestant actually knew. We saw this on Jeopardy the time Cliff was on. Remember? The catagories were "Stamps", "Momma's Boys","Bar Trivia" and the like. Now since the Judges want a looker like Kelly back as often as possible, all they have to do is have catagories like "Famous Hair Styles", "Sex Secrets" (what would either Jim or Earnest know about this?), "Punk Fashions", etc. Bingo, she's in fair and square.

- Kea


Its like this, we have three people who have non-functional brains. I mean combine the three and you still cant get the wrapper off of a Jiffy Pop. Kelly would be gazing at herself in the monitors, (that we cannot see, but that the contestants can) Much like a transfixed parakete. Jim will just be blurting out answers and having emotional reactions to questions. Ernest will not have any luck answering questions because he will be too busy trying to untangle himself from the plunger cable.

So, Kelly and Jim are in a button pressing spree, getting none right. Ernest is pre-occupied with his tangles and leaking pens and such. Going into final jeapordy the Score is Jim -200, Kelly -6000, and Earnest 0.

Alex calls to the judges and gets a rulling. Ernest by default. All three contestants are given the Nintendo Home game, a synthetic Alex fright wig, and all the turtle wax a pedestrian could want, if they all agree not to return.

After the show Kelly goes home with the anouncer, Ernest causes the TVs to topple and the stage lights to explode. The crowd runs in terror. The good reverend just stands there and basks in the bueaty of the flashing lights.

- F. Hancock Buff


Again, this one is simple. Kelly will be attracted to Jim's rugged good looks. Who else is she going to hit on? Ernest? Alex? Hah! Given he is older, but she always goes for those sleezeball types anyway. They will sneak off stage to "get to know each other" because no man, not even Jim, could resist Kelly's charms. Which leaves ... Ernest! He will win with $100 for correctly questioning the answer about chilled dairy treats. Who could have guessed those commericals would have paided off so big?

-Bobcat


Alex:  Todayís Jeopardy categories are male pleasure responses, 
janitorial chemicals, common street names for illicit drugs, 
hokey disguises, taxi etiquette, synonyms for slattern, and 
misc.
(All three contestants would score about 5000 points, each one 
dominating two categories.  It all comes down to the 
miscellaneous category.)
Ernest:  Iíll take uh... um... misc. for 1000.
Alex:  Washington D.C. ?
(Kelly will buzz in merely because she likes the feel of the 
buzzer.)
Alex:  Kelly?
Kelly:  Huh?
Alex:  Iím sorry, the correct response is what is the capital 
of the United States.
(Kelly would proceed to buzz in prematurely, losing more and 
more points each time until she is -5000.  Thus, she is 
effectively excluded from Final Jeopardy.)
Alex:  Kelly, looks like youíll sit out for this round of Final 
Jeopardy.  Jim and Ernest you will face off after this 
commercial break.
(But the break never comes...for out of the blue Cliff Clavin 
barges onto the set carrying a semi-automatic.  After Cheers 
closed down, the poor disgruntled postal worker had no place to 
go to drown out the rage, and so it slowly built up inside him. 
 Having already massacred all his coworkers, Cliff remembers 
his traumatic experiences on Jeopardy and is determined to take 
revenge.  Cliff opens fire and Alex slumps into a pile of blood 
and gore-- dead.)
Cliff: Slut!  You probably put out for 90% of the guys in high 
school, but never did you do it with any postal worker!
(Bullets riddle Kellyís body as she collapses, buzzer still in 
hand.  By now, Ernest ducks behind the podium, concocting a 
plan to stop the insane mail carrier.  Jim, still dazed and 
confused pulls out a joint and lights it.)
Cliff:  Die!!! All of you die!!  Iíll kill anyone who has ever 
used a stamp!!  Arrgghhh!
(Jim takes a few bullets and falls onto the floor.  He is still 
alive--all the drugs in his bloodstream keeping his heart still 
beating.)
Ernest:  Stop!!
(Ernest comes out charging, mop in hand, determined to put an 
end to the disgruntled postal workerís insane rampage.  But he 
is too late, for like most disgruntled employees, Cliff has 
sadly taken his own life.)
Ernest:  The horror!  The horror!
Don Pardo:  Our third place contestants will receive Jeopardy! 
the home edition on Super Nintendo or PC as a parting gift.

- T.P. Derfman


I think I must give this one to Iggi.

The results:

Iggi buys 400 cases of new car air fresheners with his newfound wealth.

Kelly loses out to the cameraman in the battle for Alex's affection.

Earnest Goes to Jail (Part II: Statutory)

- Dave


Magic brownies indeed, Brian. The other two contestants might have a chance in a straight game of Jeopardy, but not this one. You see, Jim was kind enough to bring, you guessed it, kind brownies for the judges. After they all sat around munching before the show, the judges will find that suddenly Jim is the only person up there talking sense! Who cares about correct phrasing or time limits? The rules are the tool of The Man who uses them to exclude Jim and his ideas. The effects of the brownies will overcome Kelly's advances, and Earnest would be even harder to take seriously at this point. Reverend Jim will convert the masses...

- ArchBishop


I vote for Jim!

I saw a movie where he went back in time and changed the past. I think he could go back and alter Kelly's gene pool so that she is a smart, somewhat homely girl. Impulsively, you might call that an advantage, but remember what she is famous for -- she wouldn't even be in this event. Ernest will be quite content coming in second. If not, Jim will go back in time and make him smart, which willhave much the same affect as with Kelly (barring he couldn't get any more homely).

- Shannon

Yes, but how would these changes affect the game? Who would Jim play instead of Ernest and Kelly if they were not chosen? Please, you must consider all aspects of your scenario. - Eds


Kelly's a Bleedin' idiot. She probably wouldn't know how to buzz in becuase she's not used to pressing on the tip. Besides, she's a Bundy, and Bundy's never win, or are on top for long. The only way she can win is if Bud is giving her the answers through a small, hearing aid sized, radio transmitter, but eventually he'll be distracted by a girl with larges breasts and a tight skirt.

- Vinnie Mondaro


Remember, Jim was taken aboard the alien ship and probably implanted with --- well god knows what. He could have super alien-strength powers that nobody has even suspected.

- jj


Ernest may not have much going for him: He says stupid things, he gets into stupid situations, and he's just plain dumb... However, Mr. Worrell will win Jepordy, not by answering the questions correctly, (or questioning the answers, er...), but by keeping his mouth shut and allowing the other contenders to falter and fail. Ernest, although possessing a double-digit IQ, will have enough common sense to not try to do things he has no clue of.

Kelly and Jim will sit there (or stand, or fall) and whack their red buttons indescriminatly, and make fools of themselves (like usual). Their scores will quickly go negative, as they respond to topics such as zymo genetics, and world history...

- E Ross


The result of this match is more obvious than the ears on Ross Perot's head! Let's look at each contestant, as selected by our esteemed WWWF commentators:

Ernest:

Sam you are wrong in assuming that heart can win. With Jeopardy, you need a brain much more than you need a heart. Simply put, Ernest is outmatched without lots of audience assistance (something Alex Trebek is known to throw hissy fits over). The only aspect of the game that Ernest will understand is that you have to buzz in first. More often than not, Ernest will be the first to buzz in but he will invariably answer "Who is Vern" - which will be wrong. Ernest will set a new Jeopardy record for the lowest score by registering a -30000. The only way Ernest could ever become a Jeopardy champion is if he were up against the cast from Deliverance (and even then it would be a close game).

Kelly Bundy:

Steve, your reasoning would work if this were The Price is Right or Family Feud (shows hosted by perverted dirty old men) but Jeopardy is a "hands-off" game show, so your analysis is WAY off here. Kelly is simply too good looking to be a Jeopardy champion. When have you ever seen a good looking Jeopardy champion? The Tournament of Champions is usually a collection of aberrant humanoids with IQs bigger than Dom DeLuise's waist size. To be successful on Jeopardy, you must be a Winner and RETurning CHampion (WRETCH); this excludes Kelly despit her obvious "button talents".

It should be noted that Kelly correctly answered all 5 questions in the "Legal Expressions" category. Alex is left dumbfounded with her extensive knowledge of terms like "entrapment", "probable cause", "solicitation", "body cavity search", and "statutory".

Jim Ignatowski:

Brian hit the nail on the head when he predicted that Iggy would win. Rather than hamper his abilities, all the chemicals Jim has consumed over the years have served to preserve his innards. Being a Jeopardy champion requires a ridiculously vast knowledge of all things trivial. When did Jim ever say anything that was not trivial? The man is a walking encyclopedia of trivia. Also, most Jeopardy champions are college graduates; Jim is the only one of the three contestants who went to college ("Ernest goes to College" and "Kelly does College" are still in production). In all likelyhood, Jim won't need to cheat; he will be completely oblivious to the fact that he has just won tons of cash and a lifetime supply of Z-Brick (tm) wall covering. Finally (as if further evidence were really necessary), just look at Jim - even on a good day he looks like hell. Ernest and Kelly will have dressed up for their appearance and will at least look respectable. Using the same logic that prevents Kelly Bundy from winning pretty much makes Jim an iron-clad Jeopardy Grand Champion.

Final scores: Ernest -$30000, Kelly $1500, Jim $79483

This is Johnny Gilbert. Jeopardy is produced by:

- HotBranch!


PANT, PANT, PANT, PANT, PANT. (BUT DON"T USE MY NAME, MY KID LOOKS AT THIS)

- Mr. X


"Gentlemen, the point here is: breasts:" -Tom Servo, MST3K, "Mr. B-Natural"

Guys, I don't care if Alex Trebek is a 45-year old Canadian whose only social activities are Star Trek Conventions, Babylon-5 get- togethers, and trips to the store for his mom. He's still a guy, and (to the best of my knowledge) still likes chicks (I think he's even married, but as I don't care, won't bother checking that fact. If you're smart, you'd not bother either. Just run with me on this one.) (And scifi fans still like chicks, all that means for Kelly is that she won't even have to sleep with him, just put on some funny ears, and talk bad science jargon. Might confuse her, but she'll figure it out.) Anyways. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, her boobs. They're large. Kelly has big thingies. There's no way around it. This overbalances Ernest's Shakespearian training (yes, he was a Shakespearian actor. I love American values.) And this will even outdo the good Reverend's drug-induced flashbacks. I don't care if you put her up against Stephen Hawkings and Izthak Perlman. If it's a guy judging, and her opponents are guys, then she's got it in the bag. All you men know what I'm talking about, you'd let her win too. Brian, Sam, don't lie, you'd let her get a few questions also. It's true.

- Jack Dracula


Ernest will win because he is a winner. No matter what you put up against him, he wins somehow. Jim Whathisname is obviously a loser. Kelly is a Bundy -- need I say more. Ernest gets hit with lightning, raises his IQ to 180 and wins easily.

- Paul


Oh, and the none of the contestants will win, because alex trebec will go into a pshycopathic rage, rip off his shirt, and answer every question, taking all the money for himself - but, before he can finish his terrible deed, the leauge of game show hosts (kinda like the justice leauge, just without the cool costumes and cool powers, and lotsa money) appear, and a tremoundous battle ensues as alex pelts the members of the league with his endless supply of answer cards. In the meantime, kelly gets bored, and eats whats left of her IQ and promptly keels over dead, Ernest is dragged away for a dress rehersal of his newest movie, "Ernest gets a sex change", and Jim suddenly realizes he left a customer (who happenes to be tony danza's half-brother and danny devitos mother) in his cab outside, with the meter running, and runs off in hope of evading the angered tony danza and danny devito, who are both on thier way to the studio . Once the leauge realizes all the contestants have left, they begin to fight among themselves for the contestants positions. While all this is happening, a commerical is cued, and as the jeapordy music starts playing and the audience starts clapping, they all start mouthing words, pretending to actually say things to one another (as game show hosts always do right before a commercial, as do tv anchors at the end of broadcasts). Tony danza and danny devito arrive at that moment, and wack all them over the head with frying pans (tony always carries one with him, ever since whos the boss), grab the unconcious hosts, kidnap them and take them hostage, and hold them for ransom - unfortunately, by removing the game show hosts, the game shows are canceled, and as a result of people not having thier game shows to watch, they actually go out and do things - hunger is elimnated, homelessness becomes a thing of the past, and world peace breaks out like a giant case of the chikenpox (didn't sorta suspect bob barker was resposible for everything bad in the world?). ANYWAYS, back at the studio, the producers realize that kelly wasn't really dead, just asleep (they assumed the lack of brain activity was an indication of death, when in fact, kelly never had any to begin with). The are ready to announce her the winner when they realize kelly is in fact ERNERST!! Ernest got his sex change and then snuck into the studio and switched himself for the dead dummy. The producers call the whole thing off due to too much wierdness, take the money for themselves, and run off to the bermuda triangle, where they meet some nice green men, and are never seen again (except for a gues apperance on X-files)

The end

- Aiton


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Rev. Jim Ignatowski v. Cosmo Kramer
Alex v. Pat v. Regis
Other Game Show based Grudge Matches™

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