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- Robert S. Mitchell, VP Properties, World Wrestling Federation

The Setting

Due to the connections and pull we here at WWWF Grudge Match have, we were able to arrange a bake-off in the kitchen studios of Julia Childs. Only the best for our fans!!! Hannibal Lecter and Jeffrey Dahmer (living) each must bake a main course and a desert. They have two hours. They are separated by plexiglass to prevent fighting, but each has access to standard kitchen utensils and appliances. They bring their own groceries. Julia, of course, judges the final products on taste, creativity and presentation. Who wins, Steve, and what is the winning meal?

Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs Jeffrey Dahmer

Hannibal Lecter


Jeffrey Dahmer

The Commentary

STEVE: I am appalled at your overall lack of lack of decency. At the same time, I am amazed that the same innocent, naive mind which thought up "Pee Wee vs. Gilligan" could dig up such filth as this. Brian, you disappoint me. I have no comments on this match. Get a replacement for me this week.

There is a slight pause in the production of this discussion as Steve and Brian are engaged in a heated debate. Steve claiming he is above this incompassionate atrocity to mankind. Brian asking Steve where his conscience was when Forrest Gump and Rainman's handicaps were openly ridiculed. The exchange ends with both sides disgruntled. This could build into a potential future Grudge Match. Our mutual friend, Sam, someone with even lower standards then Steve OR Brian, has agreed to fill in for the striking Steve. What do you think, Sam "the scab"?

SAM: Lower standards? You must be kidding! I think both you and Steve have proven that standards are never an issue when it comes to the Grudge Match.

Now with that out of the way, on with the debate. Well Brian, I have to go with Hannibal in this battle of skewed culinary tastes. While it was not an easy one, my decision is based on one fact: Who will remain focused. Hannibal clearly has the advantage, since he is unquestionably one cool operator. (He can take the heat in Julia's kitchen.)

One could envision Dahmer getting sidetracked, perhaps with a young member of the audience, and not even completing the task at hand. I think there is also a significant probability that Jeffrey may have one of those fatal, but not altogether uncommon, kitchen slip and fall injuries. Hannibal would just proceed, possibly humming a few bars of his favorite opera, like the culinary artist that he is and produce a masterpiece, the hands down winner.

BRIAN: It's like Steve never left! The same, short-sighted arguments like always. Sure, Dr. Lecter would be more focused, but that's assuming he wants to win, or even participate, in the first place. As soon as he realizes Ms. Childs has an agenda, he'll "toy with her and then turn to stone." He's not going to perform in front of all those people, that's not his goal. I'm not sure what his goal is, but that's certainly not it. Dahmer, on the other hand, is just dying for attention. He'll give his best performance ever!

And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Lecter gives it his all. His main course is much more sophistocated and much more attractively presented than Dahmer's (fava beans vs. pork and beans, no contest); but Lecter loses the decision on dessert with his pancreas-chunk cupcakes. While there was nothing wrong with the cupcakes themselves, the icing, provided by Miggs, was criticized by Ms. Childs as being "too salty". She had to spit the icing out (funny, I thought she swallowed). Dahmer wins by default.

SAM: Well Brian, you have stooped to a new low. You may indeed have a point with your "willingness to participate" arguement, but I must contend that Dr. Lecter will have a strong desire to put Dahmer in his place. Lecter views Dahmer as a sloppy, sub-par serial killer with poor planning and severely lacking mental power. He wants to make Dahmer look foolish, and we both know Hannibal has mastered this skill.

Here is just one example of how the good doctor could get "under Jeffrey's skin", so to speak. Since the setup is not soundproof, Lecter will be up to what he does best, yes you guessed it, mind games. He would be saying things like: "Where is the head Jeffrey?"......"They are coming to get the head Jeffrey."......"You better hide the head Jeffrey."...."Hide the head now Jeffrey!!!"

The smoke clears and in the end Dr. Lecter displays a fine, well garnished meal, cupcakes and all. In fact, Ms. Childs comments on the cupcakes by saying: "These are so very wonderful, I haven't had a flavor explosion like this since I was a young woman." While on the other side of the glass, Dahmer unwillingly displays the fruits of his labors, a display box, of sorts. This box was constructed by destroying some of the kitchen cabinets and is the proper size to display something about the size of a bowling ball, but the well informed observer would guess otherwise.

Open a bottle of Chianti and relax Dr. Lecter, you are the winner.

BRIAN: Amazing! First you accuse me of stooping to a new low, and then you surpass me with the 'flavor explosion' and skull-altar remarks. Keep the glibness to yourself Mr. Cleaner-than-thou.

But back to the subject. You continue, Sam, with the same foolish arguments and logic. Don't feel bad, though, for these are common rookie mistakes. Steve and I made them all the time back in the old days. In fact, Steve still makes them. Anyway, you suggest Lecter will want to make Dahmer look foolish. No way. Lecter has the utmost respect for other serial killers, even ones as sloppy as Buffalo Bill. You also suggest that Lecter will be able to mentally bully Dahmer around as if he were Miggs. Let's be clear. Dahmer, while no Ted Bundy, has shown that he is much smarter than Miggs. I don't see Dahmer swallowing his own tongue over something Lecter mumbles to him.

And besides, as I stated before (and what you agreed with), Lecter is not a showman. As you so eloquently pointed out, Lecter enjoys mind games. He enjoys them so much, in fact, that he would rather do that than perform like a monkey in front of a bunch of WWWF cameras. Lecter would be saying things like "I'll cook this rump roast if you tell me about your father" when all the while Dahmer is furiously preparing his liver and onions to impress the young boys in the audience.

Again, Dahmer will win by default as Lecter won't cook anything. Dahmer will be so excited with the victory that HE will be the one having an old friend for dinner.

This page listed at HORRORFIND.COM

The Results

Hannibal Lecter (461)


Jeffrey Dahmer (97)

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Voter Comments

Steve, Brian, and Sam wish to express their displeasure with the vile and distatesful resposes that were so prevalent this week. You, the viewers, have shocked their delicate sensitivities and if it wasn't for their tremendous resilience, they might have never done another Grudge Match again. I hope you can live with yourselves.
It didn't take long for this decision, although there certainly were compelling arguments on each side. Clearly Lecter is the favorite, with his refined tastes. Brian said it best with "fava beans vs. pork and beans". I focused on the issue of whether Lecter will actually perform. My guess is that he will, since you've managed to bring them together for this bake-off. And if you brought him against his will, it won't matter because Jeffrey, Brian, Sam, Steve, Julia, and the entire studio audience (not to mention the studio crew) will all be killed by Lecter when he either: 1. poisons his meal and feeds it to everyone; 2. turns off the pilot light on the stove and silently gasses the studio (and manages to survive by some unexplained means); or 3. manipulates some incredibly clever feat that I have no way of conceptualizing at this point.

My prediction: Lecter the clear winner by a 2 to 1 ratio

- Patrick Kelly

Of course Lecter wins. It's all in the groceries. If both men have to bring their own groceries, Dahmer is starting at a disadvantage. He'll have to lure in some boy from the audience. But Lecter is less selective in his entrees, and he's already been provided with his main course--Julia Child. While Dahmer is busy trying to waylay some kid from the audience, Lecter will have prepared the fastest seppuku meal on record. Lecter in one hour and a few flashes of his ginsu knives will serve up stir-fried judge.

-- Please don't identify me if this mail is used, as I think this one is terribly (pardon the expression) tasteless.

No problem, Bob.

Dahmer, defying all the laws known to man by being raised to life for this fiasco, removes his own heart and kidneys to serve as the main course. He mixes water with the ooz in his brain for a drink, and includes the mold growing on him as a salad. Lecter, in need of his body parts, must kill Julia to obtain the necessary elements, and forfits the contest.

- King

This is a tough one...I mean one is dead and the other is fictional...BUT assuming both were in top health and reality mr H would win hands down...Hannibul is the intellectual equivelent to sherlock and spock added to one another..Dahmer has the intellectual equivelant to that one guy in line ahead of you at the grocery store with one item and has enough money for it, 17.43, IN PENNIES....

- benjamin

While Julia Child is a fantastic choice for judge, I personally feel the better choice would have been the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. All quibbling aside, I have to give this competition to Hannibal. The decision is quite simple: Hannibal is an accomplished world traveller, connosieur of fine food drink, and self proclaimed intellectual snob. Jeffery would be likely to come up with fried finger food, and leg burgers for his entry. While Dr. Lecter would use far more ingredients and spices from around the world. For instance, Hannibal might opt to go with his award winning Indian curry cutlet of loin, incorporating the chiocest cuts to get that "curry-fed" taste already in the meat. Something with a little different zip -- Cajun sausages, rich with the taste of cayenne pepper, grinding only the most tender portions, and stuffing them in the cleaned intestines of Justin Wilson. Blood pudding, brain omlettes, sweet breads, and stir-fry eyeballs (very expensive) are other possible entries from Hannibal's best-selling cookbook. I think any one with gourmet aspirations can see that Mr Dahmer is clearly outclassed.

- Greg

You contain Hannibal Lecter with Plexiglass and give him a full kitchen and expect him to stay and cook? No chance. Within minutes, and whilst severely playing with Dahmer's mind, Lecter is out of the studio, having murdered Julia Childs and taken the body on the way out. Meanwhile, Dahmer, still confused by Lecter's head games, will cook a mediocre meal, thus winning by default (a judge is not necessary in this case, fortunately). Lecter, totally unconcerned, has by now prepared a superlatve meal from Ms. Childs' remains, but the fact that he is outside the studio and has eaten the judge anyway means the disqualification sticks. Dahmer by default.


This contest will be decided by the quality of the dishes. First, Lecter opens with a 'Clarice surprise' which is a nice little tossed eyeball salad. He follows with 'Buffalo Bill' wings (this is self-explanatory). Meanwhile, Dahmer will be on his side of the kitchen stuffing an arm through a baloney press thinking about how delicious the front-row of the audience would taste boiled.

In the end, Childs will attempt to raise Lecter's arm in victory and he will devour her midsection with a 1947 Zinfindel.

-- R. Lee

Sorry Brian, Dahmer is just the kind of weak willed bonehead that Hannibal used to get to dress up and sit in cars in u keep the key storage sheds. Dahmer and Childs both get to dine on their own tongues for dessert. Leaving Hannibal the winner by default. Enjoy! By the way he will probably not look to kindly to your subjecting him to such a feeble challenge. Avoid any invitations to third world islands for the next few months!

- srg

My personal opinion is that Dr. Lecter is bound to win, becouse most people can root for a movie star, while very few have any sympathy for a real serial killer.

- Willard Lohnes

Cool as Lecter is, I'm gonna have to say Dahmer wins this one. Why? We all know that as far as genius, style, and sheer bloodthirstyness, Hannibal "The Cannibal" is a Rolls-Royce, and Dahmer is a Yugo. But Dahmer, in his usual slow-witted manner, is trying to win the contest, Lecter is busy chewing Julia Childs' face off so he can disguise himself as the legendary cook and escape. In the end, Dahmer wins by default, 'cuz he's the only person left!

- Rogue Cheddar

I voted for M. Lecter because he is a connosseur who has studied and practised in the art of fine cooking for many years since our Mr. Dahmer was a young schoolboy eating stray puppies. While Dahmer cooked mainly for sanitary reasons, Lecter cooks to extract every bit of flavor from his victims. I don't think Dahmer would even be able to cook well enough to sautee his victims and serve them with a puttanesca sauce over a bed of linguini. If he were somehow able to offer Mme. Childs this limited dish, Dahmer would probably make her drink some sickly sweet Merlot.

- Some compuserve person

Posted to alt.tasteless:

As of 11:18 Pacific time, Dahmer is behind, 55 to 270.

Guys, we all need to rally behind Jeff. Check out the web site, and cast a vote for Jeff.

LAter, -B

While Lecter will certainly not cook anything, part of his game will be to get Childs to name him the winner despite the fact that he's cooked nothing. This will be childs play(sorry about that) for Hannibal.

- TB

It will easily be Hannibal the Cannibal. I give him the win before they even finish appetizers.

Clearly, Dahmer will jump right and start making his favorite foods. He will start by making a pizza. The source of the pepperoni is obvious, and so is the red sauce. Besides, he has everything he needs to make sausage. If he can find a freshly drunk fraternity brother, he can even get an almost fresh beer (after all, he's from Milwaukee).

Lecter will know how to please the judge. Clearly, Judge Julia will prefer a more cultured meal. He knows she's not the beer and pizza type. He'll cook her up some nice French type food (I can't say what type, since I'm the beer and pizza type, along with Jeff).

Clearly, it's the full understanding of the judge which is the key to this contest. For what it's worth, I'd lose too.

- Dave

Mr. Lecter wins, no contest! Even though you state that he probably won't want to participate, once he sees Jeffy's atrocious culinary talents, he will enter just so that Ms. Childs won't be totally embarassed to be the mediator. I mean, all Jeffy knows how to do is boil up some thigh bone stock and pour it over his fried liver filets! What imagination! Mr. Lecter, on the other hand, will tastefully "gloss" over his ingredients so that Ms. Childs will not even know what she's eating. I give as an example menu (Hannibal himself let on that at least one of these would be made):

Soup: French Leek w/ Slivered Fingernails in a Bile Viniagrette Stock

Bread: Three-Brain Lobe Pumpernickel w/ Lymph Node Butter

Main Course: Buttock Medallions w/ Condensed Arterial Blood and Kidney Gravy Lung Truffle Pate' w/ Stone Ground Metatarsal Flour Crackers

Dessert: Chilled Spleen Slices over a Chocolate/French Sherry/Saliva Sauce

Wine: A refined 1978 California Chardonnay w/ hints of rose, berry, and honey.

- Greg

This is a titanic battle of concentration and focus. Both celebrity chefs will be wearing some kind of goofy apron that reads "I ATE the chef" or "Vegetarians make for better casseroles" while they await Julia's signal to start (she's not a young lady anymore, it takes her some time to wind the timer up to two hours).

Although Lecter will be intellectually insulted to be put into such a spotlight, the genius in him won't be able to resist the challenge of producing a meal worthy of being served at Tavern on the Spleen. Dahmer will be out to prove that real-life cannibals know how to prepare more than just chicken taste-alikes. As the bake-off begins, both cooks are busy preparing their meals while Julia comments on how this is merely a 90s made-for-TV recreation of what it must have been like in caveman days. Lecter happily hums and struts his way through the kitchen while launching the occaisional "tell me about your father" questions in Dahmer's direction. Dahmer is busy singing assorted rock and roll songs dealing with devil worship to dignify Lecter's questions.

As the show puses for a commercial break, Julia decides to visit each celebrity chef to see what "Smells so good". Visiting Dahmer first, she pokes her head in the oven and says "Quite nice. Do you plan to serve vegetables with that?" and Dahmer mutters something about wheelchairs under his breath. Julia then visits Dr. Lecter and is visibly taken aback by what he shows her. The show returns from commercial and Julia announces that the two hours are about up; would the contestants please put on their protective facemasks.

Dahmer's presents his meal of Roasted Roadkill Rump with a side order of Blood Sausage and a greenish pudding-like substance for desert that is "an old family secret". Lecter maintains his tight little grin while watching Jeffrey's presentation. While the audience applauds Dahmer's effort, Lecter says: "Jeffrey, you should have used the lambs..."

Lecter explains that he has far too much culture to simply limit himself to a main course and desert, he begins his gourmet extravaganza with Clarisse Canapes, served with a well-chilled Foster. His main course is Burt Wolfburgers tartare, which he follows up with a refreshing Frugal Gourmet garbanzo bean salad. But the "piece de resistance" is the desert: Paul Prud'Homme Puffpastries with bile icing and Mrs. Fields "petits fours". The presentation is so overwhelming that Mrs. Childs has no choice but to declare Lecter the victor for his creativity and his ability to eliminate all of her network competition. Sadly, though, as Julia goes to give Lecter a victory hug, he succumbs to his base instinct and digs into her jugular.


Dahmer by a dessert. Sure, Lecter will have the main entree down cold (on rye with mustard), but the dessert will really settle things for Julia (you should see that mad gleam in her eye when she's making that bread pudding). And where did Dahmer work before his arrest? The Ambrosia Chocolate Factory! He knows more ways to enrobe things with chocloate than Lecter can shake a straightjacket at. His fine chocolate-encoated ladyfingers will be touted by Julia as "the perfect ending to a hearty meal" and will be further delighted by his assortment of hand-dipped chocolates with creamy, crunchy, and spongy centers. Even Lecter will ask for seconds.

- Rob

If you liked this match, you are one sick bastard. Welcome aboard. And check out these other past matches:

Cujo v. A Disgruntled Postal Worker
OJ Simpson on The People's Court
Jason v. Freddy

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