Louie: I'm dyin', Frank.
[A small commotion is heard coming from the other side of the swamp]
Frank: Oh! He's going to sing again.
"It's not easy being green..."
So, Mark, which advertising amphibian annihilates his adversary?
MARK: Amphibian? You think it ain't easy being green, try being a lizard on Grudge Match! Lizards = reptiles! We'd best pray Godzilla doesn't find out about this. We'd be trample-ized and vaporized!
Louie the Lizard needn't worry about that. Nor should he worry about this match. He's got it made. A reptile vs. an amphibian? Reptiles eat amphibians for lunch. Literally. It's the amazing food chain. Reptiles eat amphibians. Birds eat amphibians. Mammals eat amphibians. Zoos need to start putting up warning signs so the amphibian section isn't confused with a buffet. Amphibians are delicious!
And Kermit's legs would be extra sweet, too. You know, after all that time conversing with super sugary talk show host Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie + Muppets = Dentist yacht payment!
And just what are Louie the Lizard and Kermit the Tasty-Treat fighting for here? A Budweiser commercial. Budweiser is the King of Beers--Even Ed McMahon says so. The King of Beers deserves a royal spokescritter. Ever heard of a King Louie? Yeah, me too. Ever heard of a King Kermie? Nope. Another point for Louie the Lizard.
Louie the Lizard will dispose of Kermit the Frog as easily as he did the first "Weis" Frog.
DAVE: That's brilliant, Professor Wentz. Any other interesting zoological tidbits you'd care to enlighten us about? Your misguided little lecture overlooks the fact that this match is not about which species tastes better deep-fried and with a side of jalapeno poppers, it's about who would make a better spokesman. And Kermit is absurdly overqualified for that job.
Examine his showbiz resume. In addition to the various TV series that launched the lovable frog's career, there are also major motion pictures to his credit. Starring roles in major motion pictures. When looking for potential spokesmen, big companies like Budweiser go for experience and name recognition. You have to admit that Louie is pretty low on the show-biz food chain. What's he done, a few commercials? Louie might be in line to replace Suzanne Somers as the new 'TailMaster' pitchman, but Kermit is miles out of his league.
Also, as we have learned from Spuds McKenzie v. Joe Camel, beer companies are always trying to appeal to younger and younger consumers. Somebody has to replace the revenue lost from dying alcoholics, and educated drinkers who discover that Canadian beer is so much better. Who better to do that than Kermit? He tirelessly helped millions of children learn to read, count, and spell on Sesame Street. He's likeable, he's friendly, and he's a shoe-in for this job.
It's not easy being wrong, is it, Mark?
MARK: It seems you're the Tiger Woods of being wrong because you make being wrong LOOK so easy. Kudos!
Oh yes. We can't forget Kermit's resume, can we? A television program sponsored by letters and numbers. He has some movies--which don't have commercials at all (unless you count Kermit's glowing recommendations of Hare Krishna). Then you have that critically panned (by Statler and Waldorf) variety show. Not a lot of corporate sponsorship clout there.
On the other hand, Louie the Lizard has actually been in commercials. Beer commercials, in fact. Beer commercials at a time when beer commercials were so successful that PeTA was jumping on the beer bandwagon (Got beer?). Sorry, but the beer spokescritter resume competition goes to Louie. That's all Louie does, and he does it well.
Let's not forget this is the WWWF. What does WWWF stand for? We Wallop Wired Frogs. I'm kidding, of course. I'm sure Kermit has a good heart. Why, just looking into his eyes can...can...well, can give you an incredible urge to play ping-pong. (Waka waka waka!) Sorry, but there is nothing about Kermit the Frog that makes me want to buy beer.
Finally, I apologize for being so subtle in my earlier commentary. When I mentioned the food chain, I was using it as evidence that Louie would make a better spokesman. You see, I firmly believe that Louie the Lizard would be better in the commercial than a digested frog.
In short, Kermit will change his tune from "It's Not Easy Being Green" to "Movin' Right Along"
DAVE: Very well, if you insist on reducing this match to an encounter out of a nature documentary, I will concede that Kermit isn't much of a fighter. But I will also point out that he is the de facto leader to a bunch of misfits who have a cult-like devotion to him. Consider the deadly karate chop of Miss Piggy, or a Ginsu-wielding Swedish Chef, or an untethered Animal. And let's see him try to survive Fozzie's latest stand-up routine. Without Kermit, they all would have been nobodies, and they will turn Louie into a new belt for Gonzo before they let him harm even one flipper.
Who cares if Louie has been in beer commercials before? The guy who invented 2000 Flushes (TM) has years of experience pitching his product, but the marketing department would drop him in a heartbeat if, say, Keanu Reeves expressed interest in representing them ("Whoa! It totally lasts for, like, four months, dude"). Name recognition supercedes experience. And did I hear you say that Kermit doesn't make you want to buy beer? Judging by your rank odor and the empty bottles that pile up in your WWWF office, I'd say you don't need much incentive.
The reason there are spokesmen in the first place is so that a little bit of the spokesman's image will rub off on the company. If you've ever tasted Budweiser, you know it must be a struggle for them to be taken seriously. Do you think they will want a lizard whose fifteen minutes of fame were over before they began? Or someone who has been on the show business scene for over 30 years? That said, Kermit will make a great spokescritter. He worked his way out of the swamp with nothing more than a dream and a song. His story is an inspiration!
My prediction is that Kermit will bring Budweiser much success over the
years. Meanwhile, in the only offer he could get, Louie will be flubbing his
lines as hemorrhoid sufferer #2. Either that, or as a very attractive belt.
Frank: Well, Louie, he beat you. What are you gonna do now.
Round 1: Kermit Round 2: Louie(TKO)
- The Super-Intelligent One
Kermit will win this one with the help of allies, but not the other muppets.
Did you ever wonder how, with no job or visible income, Kermit could afford the lavish house in which he and the other Muppets live? Or how, with his nervous, submissive disposition, he commands the loyalty of a band of violent misfits? For the answer, one must only look into his eyes. Wide, never moving, pupils hugely dilated; Kermit (and the other muppets, just as obviously) are hardcore Substance Abusers. And Kermit is the supplier.
You see, the "Rainbow Connection" that Kermit enthuses about in his first big-screen appearance, is actually a shadowy, super-secret organization of high-level Illicit Substance producers, taking their name from the fact that they, and only they, can get you LARGE quantities of ANY Illicit Substance you desire; the "whole rainbow" of psychotropic chemicals (the "Lovers" and the "Dreamers" are two New Orleans street gangs who Kermit united to serve as his distribution network). So, Kermit is able to meet the varying tastes of his Muppet compadres, ensuring their loyalty. But their loyalty is not the issue. The Connection doesn't take kindly to assaults on their top men by two-bit lizards. Kermit wins without lifting a flipper as Hired Goons(tm) from the Corsican Mafia(TM) put more holes in Louie than Sonny Corleone.
Yes, rainbows DO have something to hide.
- The Fat Man (Kermit is your hook-up! Holla if ya hear me!)
I once roomed with Kermit the Frog. Back in '72, we were to appear on the Dick Cavett show together. Let me me tell you something, Grudge fans, Kermit is not the happy animal you see on TV. My, could he be outrageous! After finding some of my loose pubic hairs in the tub, he threw a lamp at me. He'd order 20 BBQ wings at a time on room service, then charge it to a different room as a Mr. "Hugh Suck." I highly doubt that Louie the Lizard can contend with the ferocious attitude towards others that Kermit has. This one goes to the frog.
- Grudge Lite(TM)--Tap the Appalachians!
This match is all about Louie. He doesn't need a hand shoved up HIS bum in order to function.
Are you plugging "People for the ethical treatment of animals" or "People for the eating of tastey animals"? Big difference, even if it's only a .com or a .org.
At first glance, it would seem that Kermit would win this match hands down. After all, he is well-known, frequently appears on "Hollywood Squares", has had a long career in television and even appeared in a number of films. On the other hand, Louie the Lizard has only appeared in one beer company ad campaign. However, there is one factor that is being overlooked - the environment.
Kermit, by his own admission, is a frog. Anyone who has followed news in the last several years is aware of how frogs and other amphibians are being affected by recent changes in the environment. For example, slight chemical contamination causes frogs to be horribly deformed and mutated with extra appendages or things like having an eye in the middle of the back. Even a slight drop in the level of water in streams in the Pacific Northwest has brought one species of frog to the brink of extinction due to a fungal infection. In short, frogs are fragile and not very robust at all.
Louie the Lizard, on the other hand, is a small reptile. I haven't heard any news of reptiles suffering mutations and such from pollution and environmental change. Also, reptiles can come in far larger sizes than amphibians. Look at the saltwater crocodile of Australia (over 20 feet long when fully grown) and the anaconda (snakes are reptiles too) which can reach up to about 30 feet in length.
In a match such as the Grudge Match, the toughest competitor usually wins. In this case, Louie the Lizard will capitalize on the superiority of his reptilian physiology to win over Kermit. All he would have to do win is to sprinkle some salt on Kermit. While it might not kill the frog, it will surely make him sick from the reverse osmosis through the water-permeable frog skin.
So it will be commercial work for Louie while Kermit might end up in an old-fashioned biology class - being dissected.
- The Demented Astronomer
I voted for Louie, even though Kermit should and would win the battle. Why this seeming conflict of interests? Ah, glad you asked.
If Kermit were to win the match, he would likely ascend to Louie's position as spokes-thing for Budwiser. Kermit cannot be associated with beer-I mean, it'd just be wrong man. It could start an awful trend, ending only when Oscar the Grouch is selling cheap vodka and Grover is promoting cigars. The line must be drawn somewhere, and the sooner the better. Kermit throws the fight and leaves with his dignity and morals intact.
Poor, deluded Mark. Frogs have a proven track record in entertainment, from Kermit to Michigan J. Frog to the Frog Prince from Grimms' folk tales. Is anyone crazy fool enough to mess with the awesome power of the Brothers Grimm (lawyers, scholars and founders of German philology) and the Children's Television Workshop (who are raising America's youth where its parents have failed) combined?
Aside from Mark, I mean.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
Hands down, Louie is the better spokesman. Granted, both have much in common with those who regularly consume Budweiser (Louie is loud, obnoxious, opinionated, and often hilarous, while Kermit sings badly and has frequent romantic interludes with a fat pig), but come on, Louie's eyes do that cool rolling thing.
- Riko from the C.o.L.
Ok, on first glance it would look to be an easy win for Kermit, if for no other reason than the backup he can get from muppets. But ( there's always a but), Louie has three things Kermit doesn't: 1) A killer instinct , 2) The RAGE (TM) and finally 3) The Ferret!
Going down the list of advantages...
Kermit usually avenges wrong-doings or tries to save his own green hide. Louie went out of his way to attempt to kill a frog that had what he wanted. I'm sure that while getting pumped up for the match, Louie will surely have a couple underhanded tricks up his claw, which Kermit will sure believe is just a joke, cause you gotta fight fair. (*snicker*)
The RAGE (TM)!!! Kermit may find that it's not easy being green, but from there it will only go down hill. Louie has had a frog as his nemesis since he came on the scene. To get rid of one, only to then see him replaced by Kermit??? Kermit??? He's not even realistic like the Weis frog. The Rage (TM) having built up time and again as his plots failed will break through finally and when it does, Ms. Piggy will be picking Kermits remains up with a lint roller.
And finally Louie's Ace in the Hole (TM) , The Ferret. He is the trumpt card that will save Louie's day. The loads of Rescoures that he brings is just immense. First, He'll bring in his Hottie (TM) groupies to distract Kermits friends, especially Kermit's big gun: Animal. While Animal is chasing one of the ferret's women screaming "Woman!", the ferret will be distracting Ms. Piggy by whispering sweet nothings into her ear in French, the language of romantics and wimps, stealing her away from her Kermey. While all this is going on, he can keep most of the rest at bay just by having his normal Party Bus full of goodies around, and we all know what goes on in Party Busses. Say good by to Fozzie and the Band. I mean you have to admit that bear is on something. Who does that leaving Guarding Kermit's back against Louie's undedrhanded tricks??? Stadtler and Waldorf???
Louie Hands (and Claws) Down!
Those guys would make an excellent team with the Gheko from Ghiko. Or is it the other way around...
- Busty McGee
You've GOT to be kidding. Haven't you heard the latest Bud commercial, the one about the barbecue? Louie, despite his apparent lack of talent, is vicious - he put all three Bud frogs through hell, got the Weasel disowned by his family, and then had the chutzpah to throw a barbecue and invite them to BE the main course.
Kermit's on his own this time - that's right, no Miss Piggy screaming "Hiiiiiyah!", no Animal chasing everyone, no Fozzie to add lighthearted goofy comedy, and no Gonzo to bring in the cannon. Anyone who thinks Kermit will win THIS one obviously isn't old enough to partake of the products that are being advertised by these combatants.
- The Bunyip
Louie loves..... Beer
Kermit loves..... Ms. Piggy
Louie has a blood bath
the lizard wins. why?
kermit = frog = something that gets beaten by the french
(at last a gruge match i can understand! ;) )
- listy the treadhead
Fools, fools, FOOLS! We might as well have put Brendan up as a commentator, you both forgot the main point:
Louie, no matter how funny he is, CAN'T BEAT A FROG! He had 3 years to dispose of 3 frogs. 3 YEARS! And every attempt failed. Miserably. All he seems to succeed at is complaining to Frankie, who reminds him how lucky he is to even have a job.
Louie gives up after the ferret botches the murder of Kermit. Time of match, 15 minutes in brief, 60-second vignettes.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
Yeah everyone's heard of King Louie. But we've all heard about the French Revolution too. What happened to Louie's head again?
- Brian, The Other White Guy
The key to being a successful commercial mascot is to have a legion of loyal followers. Behind Louie, you have a mob of belligerant drunks. Behind Kermit, a legion of brainwashed two year olds. The question one must ask to determine the winner of the match is this: Who can do the most damage - Drunks or Two Year Olds?
The Answer: Two Year Olds.
The Reason: Have you ever seen a Two Year Old apprehended on COPS?
Game Set & Match - Kermit The Frog
- Hurricane Andrew
Whilst Louie has been foiled by animals such as frogs and weasels, Kermit has only been dominated by ONE pig! This immediately shows his superiority.
To have lost to a pig is a dignified defeat, while to lose to frogs and weasels is LAUGHABLE! Here's why:
Pigs, as any good Communist will know, can take over whole parodies of the Russian state. Weasels can't even take over "Toad Hall"! Pigs are very intelligent, to lose to them is an honour for a frog. Weasels are stupid, to lose to them is a disaster for a lizard.
It is also interesting to note that LOUIE HAS LOST TO FROGS BEFORE!! He can't even say Budweiser™ before them, never mind beat them in a fight!
And apart from anything else, I'm sure if Louie laid one scaly finger on "Kerm-y" Miss. Piggy would beat the shit out of him!!
Ps/ I know they were ferrets really, but, c'mon... same thing, right?!!
- Karen Ronneback. Liverpool, Britain.
Here is a fairly obscure piece of trivia, one thing that all of you guys have overlooked, but very important nonetheless. While Louie has lackluster support from Frank (at best), Kermit has a loyal, sidekick at his disposal. And I don't mean Miss Piggy (who's formidable enough - AHHHH-YEEAAHH!!) or Fossie the Bear (man, if you thought SNL was crappy recently...) or Gonzo (he's not much of an asset, anyway).
Yes - it's Robin the Frog, Kermit's adolescent amphibian amigo. Yes, "Robin", Kermit's ostensible "nephew". Now, considering that Kermit has never married (or even seriously dated), never raised children (er..., polliwogs) , and never shown any real parental careginving interest, I doubt that "Robin" is really his nephew. What do I mean? Well, a youing adolescent sidekick (present for no real reason) called "Robin" (a most unfroglike name), plus the fact that you often see Kermit costuming up as a superhero (I'm don't remember the name - Lord help me, it's been decades) can mean only one thing:
Kermit, the wealthy (why do all his other friends stick around?) middle-aged gentleman with no really consistent love interest (he's been pulling Piggy's chain all these years - no wonder she always seems miffed), and Robin, his youthful ward, and none other than THE Dynamic Duo!
Against such force, even the waves of alcoholic Budweiser drinkers don't have much hope.
As Kermit hums pleasantly to himself, Louie crawls toward him with malice in his eyes. Having developed a keen sense of upcoming doom (ever watched the Muppet Show?), Kermit ceases his music and turns around to see Louie. "Hi there! What do you want, little guy?" Kermit asks in his always lovable voice. Louie merely glares at Kermit, replying "Listen here, frog! This is MY territory! MINE, do you hear me?" Though Louie IS only about one 5th of Kermit's size, the pacifist frog still manages to do his trademark =ulp= and mutter to himself. Now, if it were just Kermit and Louie, chances are Kermit would gladly shrug and say "Alright, no problem" and let Louie regain his throne, but unfortunately for both of our contestants, Kermit's Muppet friends happen to be at the filming of said commercial! The endearingly insane misfits huddle together at Louie's challenge... "Hey!" rasps Dr. Teeth, "What's that lizard think he's doing?" "He can't push my Kermie around!" Piggy growls.
With a light-hearted chuckle, Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker arrive at the scene. "Not to worry!" giggles Bunsen, "Beaker and I have developed an invention that will allow us to put a stop to this confrontation without even being seen! Beaky, if you please..." Beaker "meeps" his obedience and puts on a pair of sunglasses. He instantly disappears. Honeydew explains "these sunglasses work on the principle that if we can't see you, you can't see US!" "BRILLIANT!" gasp Gonzo and Fozzie!
And so, the insane band of Muppets don their super-shades and rush forward to beat Louie out of the swamp. However, since their vision is impaired and this IS a Muppet plot, they manage to not only send Louie to the emergency room, but also Kermit and about half of their own army!
Statler: Well that's what happens when the blind lead the blind!
And anyway, even if that didn't happen, Kermit would probably just channel the oh-so-sought-after aspect... THE RAGE!!!! (trademark patent pending) and beat the hoohah out of Louie. Kermit's such a lovable guy, but MAN is Disney beating him around! I remember when the Muppets said and did pretty much whatever they wanted. Now they march to whatever beat Mickey Mouse and his unholy cronies tell them to! Mark my words, the Muppets shall rise again!
- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!
At first glance, things look pretty dim for the green guy. Remember who preceded Louie the Lizard as the most prominent beer advocate in America - a bunch of catatonic frogs mumbling "Bud....weis...er". Not a good sign at all. Heck, even Shatner himself would not have taken as long as those frogs to spell out the liguid nutrition that desire so much. So, if Louie the lizard REPLACED and relocated a whole BUNCH of advertising frogs, what do think he will do to one frog, a frog with little advertsing experience at that?
However, in the end, this match will go to the oddly-named amphibian. Why? Because of only one reason, one that wins many a grudge-match: ALLIES (TM)!! And I don't mean viewers or fans (as he has none, except for those PBS loving family people...oops can't mess with those people, I am one...). No, I mean his incredibly loyal crew of fellow Muppets, all of which have the Rage (TM), an immense uncontrollable rage at that, aftering seeing their careers go completely down the tubes after Jim Henson died and the company got sold to a German firm that noone in "the states" had ever heard of (The Jim Henson Comapny is a wholly-owned subsidiary of EM TV and Merchandising).
What?! Kermit's fellow Muppet's actually being a help and not a hindrance, you say? Well, while Gonzo, Beeker, Scooter (the nerdy guy), and that nitwit professor may not be of much help, consider: Animal (name tells all - Louie would be lucky if Animal didn't eat him outright), Miss Piggy (man, this is one lady I would not cross....ever), the Swedish chef (hmmm...a clumsly, nearly blind guy with REALLY big knives - immense, indeed, by PBS standards), and let's not forget Fozzie the Bear. Fozzie?
Yes, Fozzie, which sounds quite a bit like "Fonzie", as in THE FONZ - hey, they're both big, hairy, males of unquestioned maleness - how else can Fozzie get away with saying "Wocka, wocka, wocka" all the time without Kermit and the others thinking that Fozzie's not..well, different. In any case, once the uniquely "unbearable" one gets fired up and going with his usual battery of drivel, there's no hope at all for Louie:
Why did the chicken cross the road?...to get TO THE OTHER SIDE!!! (emphasis added by the dim-witted Fozzie, who thinks this is a very profound insight and then proceeds to laugh at his own joke...wocka, wocka).
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Old pen. Who? An old pen! Old pen up the door, silly! Wocka, wocka!
Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking that I am a set of curtains.... Well, pull yourself together man! Get it - pull youself togther...a set of curtains! Ha-ha! Wocka! Hahaha.
After a few more rounds of nauseating stuff like this from Fozzie, Louie's brain will explode and no medical miracle will be able to save him.
Kermit lays the smack down.
Listen, the dude's had some guy's hand up his ass for the past 20 or so years. If that don't make ya tough, I don't know what will!
- Tom Lovett
Waldorf: Hey, Statler -- what's green and ugly, has bulging eyes, and can't get a job selling bad beer to adolescent males?
Statler: Your sister!
Statler: Hey, lizard! Haven't I seen you on TV?
Louie: Well, I do appear off and on. How do you like me?
Waldorf & Statler: Hahahohoha!
Waldorf: Statler, go easy on the guy. He has a face like a million dollars.
Statler: Yes, all green and wrinkled!
Waldorf & Statler: Hohohohahahoha!
Louie: That does it. I'm outta here!
Statler: You know, that lizard has got that far-away look.
Waldorf: Yeah, the further away he is, the better he looks!
- The Grim Heckler
True, the lizard does have natural advantage, but Kermit will win. Kermit was part of the (re)educational show, seasame street(TM), brainwashing little children to be his loyal followers. Shoot, with his movies, TV shows and specials, and home videos, Kermit has covered every demographic base; whereas the lizard only has sportsfans and drunks, both in no shape to defend their cultural icon. After the lizards initial attack, Kermit will rally his followers and crush the lizard. Kermit will then break out is banjo and finish "It's not easy being green" which says "and green can big like an ocean(of followers) or important like a mountain (of cash raked in from all those movies, etc...) or tall like a tree (kinda like the one used as a stake to hang that stupid lizard from...)"
- the Nerdrocker from Planet X
Well, if this match is all about Louie and Kermit killing each other, Louie I think could be a favorite. Let me break it down for you,
Judging from Louie's accent, I think it's pretty safe to say that he's either from Brooklyn or the Bronx. The thing that's impressive about this is the fact that Louie's a friggin' lizard. I don't know if any of you have spent a summer in the city, but damn, it can get hotter than Hades. Local plant life starts to die, Arabian run delis create a stench that can be experienced for blocks around, and rubber soled shoes start to melt to pavement like a T-1000 in a steel mill. Just the fact Louie has'nt been cooked like a goose or hit by a cab is a major accomplishment.
Kermit, well, he grew up in a well cared for nursery, and ran an insane asylum that was referred to as the Muppet Show. While this demonstrates administrative capability, it does not count for crap in a Death Match.
Louie has demonstrated a unique viciousness towards his competitors in the advertising industry. According to various reports, it is rumored that Louie is actually responsible for the offing of Muppet creator Jim Henson. Louie is overwhelmingly driven mad by jealousy, and should therefore be awarded possession of the RAGE(tm) for the purposes of this match, a significant edge indeed.
Kermit, meanwhile, is generally kind, outgoing and trusting of other individuals. He rarely raises his fist in anger. This trust, however, could lead to disaster should he assume that the butcher's knife sported by Louie is not meant for his legs.
MARKETABILITY AS CHAMPION:
This is where things get interesting. The powerful media forces behind each amphibian icon are starkly different from each other and each have their own seperate appeal to consumers, and their own respective strengths and weaknesses. Let's begin with Louie's backers...
Louie is himself the brainchild of the Beer industry, specifically Budweiser. This gives him connections to not only Beer and Liquor conglomerates, but Big Tobacco as well (as booze and smokes go hand in hand). Had Big Tobacco not incurred the wrath of the US congress and almost destroyed, this one-two combination as far as advertising power is concerned would be almost unbeatable.
Kermit, well, I have'nt seen Kermit do a commerical in years. But should he in fact win this match, I think several toy companies and makers of cerals would come out of the woodworks and hire the frog for their sponsor. While this might not seem like a big lobby, the Saturday Morning Cartoon venue can be a pretty large chunk of advertising dominance.
Edge: Toss Up
So, in two of three categories, the Lizard takes this one. Frog Legs for everybody!!!
- Guy with email
The win for sure
Goes to the frog,
He'll rip up that lizard
Like a ravenous dog.
Kermit is obviously a bit of a girl's blouse but he's had years of abuse and he's gonna fuel that all into this one fight. Louie's already been on the losing end of a contest with another 'up and coming' frog and a weasel. Kermit's trainer, the ever psychopathic, Miss Piggy will have left him wanting blood which he'll get in beer barrels.
- Mo the Barman
Kermit doesn't even have to lift his webbed little hand. The dude is a total gangsta. He's just a skinny frog, but he has what appears to be hundreds of Muppets (TM), most of them 10 times his size, hanging on his every word and trembling in his presence.
This is how it would go. Louie would make some stupid gesture to offend "The FrogFather". Kermit would look over his shoulder to the huge, hairy monster behind him and order Louie's "liquidation". The monster would at that point just reach over and pop Louie's head like bubble wrap.
It's not easy....... being green.......
- Tahna Los
How can you even vote for a second-rate lizard who screwed up his part so badly that he was replaced by a ferret? The gecko from the Geico commercials would have done better
Kermit, on the other hand is an icon of American entertainment, enough said.
- Committee to support Icons of American Entertainment, Florida chapter
When I was young, my parents told me that those green things on pizza were little bits of Kirmit the Frog. That made me really depressed.
As the opening commentary will show, Louie has no qualms about making sure Kermit has an "accident" in order to save his own career as Budweiser's mascot. Therefore, we can assume the main trick he's got up his sleeve is to try and rub out Kermit by some dirty underhanded means, such as getting that ferret to knock a neon sign in the water again or rig up a bomb under his lily pad.
Now, let me tell you something about Kermit, and Muppets in general. THEY WON'T DIE. Between getting bitch-slapped by Miss Piggy, smacked around by various means on the Muppet Show, and regularly knocked around during the various News Flash skits on Sesame Street, Kermit's taken more hits than Rocky Balboa, yet he still stays relatively happy, perky, and intact. Cockroaches aren't the only race that's tough enough to survive a nuclear holocaust, kiddies.
Now imagine Louie's shock when Kermit gets blown sky-high during the filming of the latest Budweiser commercial, only to land seconds later, dazed but unhurt, and go right back to shooting. He'll probably have a heart attack. Plus, Budweiser will love the footage.
It's not easy being green, but if you're a lizard, it's a hell of a lot easier than keeping a Budweiser sales job.
- The Hydra
Louie is so boring! Kermit's got to win. Kermit makes me want to get drunk because everyone knows how extremely hilarious muppets can be when you're plastered. You see Kermit on a commercial and knowing that beer commercials air over and over, you buy the beer and a muppet video, and you spend your night/day with friends laughing hysterically!
Ultimately, Louie is the product of a marketing department somewhere in New York (or Milwaukee), invented for the express purpose of making a cheap joke in a beer commercial. The only people who support Louie are upper-level managers in an ad firm somewhere, folks who struggle with the idea of being "cool" while they themselves are upper-middle-class closet Republicans.
Contrast that with Kermit, whose entire career has consisted of being an educator and entertainer, always giving wholesome family entertainment even while surrounded by crazies of every shape, color, species, and circumstance. Kermit is also an expert at survival, having survived innumerable karate chops from Miss Piggy, hundreds of whack-headed stunts from Gonzo, thousands of wretchedly bad jokes from Fozzie, and countless explosives, meat cleavers, and boomerang fish from the rest of the Muppet crew. Besides, Kermit has the backing of Jim Henson, who's simply one of the coolest people who ever lived.
Kermit winds, flippers down. Though why he would stoop to doing beer commercials is a question that remains unanswered...
The outcome of this fight is so obvious that I'm surprised it even became a grudge match. Kermit has so many allies it is laughable to even consider a win by Louie.
1.Kermit is a puppet. So? Can you think of any other small, green puppets made by the same people? Yoda! There's no way Louie is going to stand up to the power of the force.I only wish it was Vader instead; I've seen that stupid lizard so many times I would pay to see his windpipe crushed.
2.Haven't you ever been to Stick-Death.com??? As the respected composer of "it's not easy being green", he has only to shout "Green Power" and all his stick figure brothas would be on Louie in an instant. Okay, so they always die, but with the damage they usually cause doing it and their seemingly unlimited numbers spell certain, bloody, comical death for that deranged reptile.
3.Even without these, the match would be 4.5 seconds long: the amount of time it takes Kermit to tell Miss Piggy that Louie called her fat.
- Crazy Tom
I voted for Kermit because I like him more (everybody does), but let's be realistic -- Kermit doesn't stand a chance. Every TV show set in high school, ever, has a scene where somebody tries to free frogs from being dissected in science class. The frogs were obviously too wimpy to run off on their own, and when I cut mine up in ninth grade, there was (to quote Dave Barry) "no organs, just basic frog glop" inside. Lizards, no doubt, have actual body parts to help them function.
Not only that, but who eats frog's legs? The French. Yes, the frogs can't defend themselves from the biggest losers in Grudge Match history.
I realize, though, that these days in Grudge Match, logic is futile -- only by cleverly citing previous matches do you get noticed. So here it is: Peter Sellers was on the Muppet Show. Peter Sellers (as Dr. Strangelove) lost two matches ago. The Bud Lizard commericals make no sense. Hawking, who beat Strangelove, writes books that make no sense to me. Therefore, Kermit loses to Louie. Now too bad we can't fit Star Trek in there somewhere...
- le schmuck
No offense to Louie, but he definitely isn't destined for a beauty pageant. Can you say "beer goggles"? Kermit can't touch him on this advertising campaign!
- Little ol' me
First, let's talk about allies. Kermit has such vicious friends as Animal, who could hold off all of Louie's human allies and devour Louie in one bite. Louie's other friends include another lizard, a crocodile, and three frogs. Big ol' Hairy could take the croc no problem, and the remaining lizard and frogs are probably too drunk to even make a good fight against the many other muppets, who would gladly help Kermit and are perfectly sober. And don't forget the bear (what's he called again?). He's not exactly a fighter, but he could crush Louie one-handed. And Miss Piggy? She can take on dozens of Nazis or pirates and win, with her enemies badly injured. If loie hurt her Kermie, SQUISH! No more beer- loving lizard.
Louie is probably drunk from too much Bud Light. Kermit is always sober.
Kermit is not a pathetic fighter. He has engaged a man in a showdown. Kermit is LIKEABLE. Kermit is capable of talking people out of fights. Louie would probably give up and join the Muppets. If Louie were to persist in the fight, Kermit is bigger and stronger, so Kermit would win.
And as for human allies? Let's not forget that Kermit has more fans, and that many corporations like the Muppets for advertising potential. And if Louie beat Kermit and the Muppets, how long would he last against millions of angry Kermit-lovers across the world?
Kermit is much cooler, foo! Louie? Everyone's forgotten Louie. Let's see how well a drunk, weak, forgotten chameleon can stand up to a bigger stronger, cooler, smarter, more amiable frog. Eh?
- Frog-Lovin' Genius
Wow, you sure set up a fair match here, eh? What're you gonna follow it up with, a gnat against a 747? A feeble old lady against a pack of wild dingos? The Death Star against the Enterprise? (Oh, too late.)
Seriously, what were you thinking? You pitted the masthead of a well- respected, highly-experienced puppetry, special effects, etc. production company against a one-trick talking lizard? Don't make me laugh! (Again, too late.)
Even without outside assistance, including the likes of giant scary British puppets and numerous guest stars, Kermit would feast on beer- batter-dipped chamelion, and here's how: he challenges Louie to the Labyrinth drinking game (with Budwieser, naturally), followed by a perilous trek across a busy highway to get to the nearest bathroom.
Louie stumbles under a semi-truck's tires immediately, while Kermit hops his way clear to victory, curtesy of years of training from his friend, the star of "Frogger."
Well, it seems simple, Kermit the frog is about three feet tall, and chameleons are about six inches long, meal-sized for Kermit.
So, say Kermit T. Frog picks up Louie T. Lizard and begins to chow down. Surely all hope is lost for Louie, it's his own private "Jaws".
But wait! You've all seen Kermit's mouth when he opens it wide to cheer on the guests on "The Muppet Show", he has neither teeth nor esphagous! Louie jumps free!
And finds out that Kermit has great, big, flat feet, which are perfectly large enough to stomp a small lizard flat.
- Ellery Lake
This match is ludicrously in Kermit's favor. Consider the recent purchase of the Muppets, including Kermit, by a German company. This means Kermit is now german! Yes, Germany, the land of beer drinkers! This makes him so much more qualified for saying which beer is best than some lizard who's never left his stump, it's not even funny! Take that, Louie!
Wait...the Lizard obviously has the edge on Kermit with his RAGE(tm), so what does Kermit have that we don't know about? Hmmm, I must consult my books of wisdom.
Pulls out Grudge-Match guide to Movies
According to this, Kermit has an equal amount of stardom-induced power as Bill Gates has money-induced power! Wow, that's a lot of strength. But, that's only possible if...if...OH MY GOSH!
Downloads a voice sample of Kermit and a press conference with Bill. Runs them through his handy-dandy vocal comparison application.
MY GOD!!! KERMIT IS BILL GATES!!!!
With billions of dollars and his own private Microsoft underground corporate Armed Forces, Kermit/Bill run over the poor Budweiser spokesperson before he can utter a poorly-articulated "WAZZUUUUUP?"
- The Mad Josher
It hath been said that thine Lord looketh over thy children and thy drunkards. Since ye Kermit doth not partake of the Devil's Water, or at ye verily least not as much as thine Lizard, speaker for ye Devil's Water, pray thee not see thine Lizard be protected by thy Lord himself? Thy will of God cannot be denied!
- He, thy Mortal, and thine Misery
In today's political world, the winner doesn't have to be the best orator, many other factors come into account. For example, everyone knows its not easy being green, and Kermit was a front runner in the battle for racial equality; a modern day Martin Luther King. The new Budweiser adverts revolve around a stereotype of a racial minority. "WASUUP?". Let's be honest, does anyone care what's up? No, it's a catch phrase, like "Wakka Wakka Wakka".
Kermit knows the idealism, he knows the lingo, he's the critter for the bitter.
But Louis is already a Bud favourite, can anyone take his place? Could Sesame Street survive without Big Bird as its star? Of course, Elmo's now the big cheese in the barrel. With his new mentor, Kermit's well on his way to a contract.
But in the end, can he out sell Louis? Has he got that zing? The fizz that'll really give it whizz? To answer this question, I went to the modern workplace, I asked how many adults regularly watch sesame street? Next to none, but how many drink bud? Over half. They're no longer pitching to the workers, the new market is the kiddies. If the Count said that numbers go 1,2,3,4,9,5,6... the Americana school kids would go to their death beds believing it. I made another survey in a school. The three-year-olds who didn't pull guns on me all said that they had watched sesame street. Over half said that if possible, they would emulate Kermit exactly (this was after I explained what emulate meant).
So the only possible winner is Kermy, he grew up in the swamp, he's got the qualifications and the fanatical following of a large percentage of the population of the world.
- Ben Pumpkin
This match will come down to just one thing. The presence of internal organs. Beat him, stab him, poison him, whatever . . . Kermit doesn't have anything to break inside. Short of a flamethrower, Kermit is safe.
Frank: Louie, what are you up to?
Louie: What are you talking about, Frank?
Frank: You got that look in your face, Louie. You're up to something.
Louie: You're imagining things, Frank. I am not up to a single thing.
Frank: Don't screw with me, Louie.
Louie: You know what it is, Frank? You're becoming paranoid. That's what's happening here.
Frank: Last time you looked like this, you tried to have the frogs killed.
Louie: Frank... it hurts me that you would bring that up again.
Frank: You haven't hired the ferret again, have you?
Louie: No, I did not hire that loser ferret! I gave him one simple task and he couldn't follow through! I am done ever talking to that stupid hairbag!
Frank: Then who did you hire?
Louie: It was-er, I didn't hire anyone, Frank. And quite honestly, Frank, I am disappointed in your lack of trust. Some friend you are.
Frank: You're not fooling anyone, Louie. Now what are you up to?
Louie: Oh, all right. If you absolutely must know, I hired the badger.
Frank: The badger? What's he gonna do?
Louie: Oh, you'll see.
Kermit: Hello, this is Kermit the Frog, reporting here from the swamp, and--
A large tree groans, tips over and falls directly on Kermit. A badger looks up through a hole where the tree had previously standing, gives the thumbs up to Louie and disappears back underground.
Frank: Louie, that was a rotten thing to do.
Louie: Had to be done, Frank.
- Infraggable Krunk
the french are the key to this match. "frog" is a durogatory term for a french person. kermit is a frog. therefore, kermit is french, and as we know, the french can't win. however, as mark inadvertently pointed out, king louie, better known as Louis (X-XV) was a *french* monarch. so both contestants are frenchmen. however, it is a little know fact that back in the 80's, when the muppet show was on the air, john cleese, a.ka. fawlty towers made an appearance in a recent grudge match, and lost to mr. bean (aka the black adder) therefore, the kermit loses by association, and louie the lizard will be the budweiser spokesperson
HOLD IT! There is something very wrong here. We all know that Louie the Lizard is a sham of an actor. He had to hire a ferret to get rid of the first frog. However, it is also common knowledge that Kermit the Frog cannot a sponsor for anything over the age of 7. Or is he?
One thing we the viewers have not taken into account is the fact that both Louie and Kermit are, in fact, puppets (or muppets, or whatever). Louie, a product of the 90s, is an up-to-date animatronic chameleon. He's been a smooth running machine since he was created.
Mr. "the Frog" on the other hand, is a different story. First of all, he was made in the sixties, giving him a hell of a lot more experience than some five-year-old lizard. Second, Kermit doesn't have the efficient wiring and electricity that his modern counterpart does. Nooooo, he's been stuck for 40 years with a hand up his @ss! I don't know about the rest of you, but after that much anal torture it's obvious that Kermit is chock full of, that's right The RAGE(TM).
And so, by exercising his long bottled response to continuous butt-rape, Kermit takes down the no-talent chameleon in one minute, sixteen seconds, humming a merry tune all the way.
- The BrainChild
These two are competeing to say 'weis', right?
Kermit would never say 'weis'! Why, you ask? Because Kermit's all about being green!!
The German word, weiss means white!
I've never heard Kermit say, "It's not easy being white."
He'll throw the match so he can stay green!
- Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground
For reasons as to why Kermit will win I refer to the movie Muppet Treasure [tm]. Yes I dare refer to a Muppet movie. Stop snickering! Kermit will sail his ship into the swomp and demolish Louie with his cannons. Any surrvivors of the hit man squad he has amassed will be chopped up by a horde of spear-wielding wild pigs led by Miss Piggy on an elephant. I told you to stop snickering you Stupid Commentators [tm]! NO NOT THE HORDE OF RABID CHIHAUHAUS [tm]! AHHHHHH!!!!!
- Brian the Evil Rodeo Clown [tm]
Kermit meets Louie's charge with ready um...forward appendages (well, what the heck would you call them, snotbag?) but we'll never know how an undisturbed lizardo-a-froggo match would have turned out. "HII-YAAH!!!" Louie is suddenly flying through the air as an infuriated Miss Piggy delivers her own particular brand of pugilistic porcine punishment. Traveling at a speed somewhere between a Sammy Sosa line drive and Mach One, the spokeslizard is screaming so loudly that he doesn't hear the sound of his doom: snap-hiss. For the wisest and deadliest muppet of all, Yoda, is meditating in the swamp and he has felt the sort of disturbance in The Force that results from someone really getting a can opened on them. Without even averting his gaze from his own navel, he draws his lightsaber and waves it quickly in Louie's flightpath, turning him into several Lizard McNuggetsTM flying in close formation. Their next stop is just beyond; they land in the barrel of The Great Gonzo's cannon with a series of sloppy splatting sounds and are fired off to the other side of the swamp where they are eaten by the crocs from the old "Crocodile Rock" sketch, featuring Elton John, a.k.a., the most famous bankrupt British gay man currently residing in Georgia.
- Mr. Silverback- Honey Mustard is definitely the best dipping sauce for Lizard McNuggetsTM
I'm afraid this one will turn out to be a draw. Anyone who has actually tried to handle a wild frog/toad knows what will happen; as soon as Louie gets his hands on Kermit, Kermit will piss/shit all over himself and Louie. In disgust, Budweiser will have both puppets replaced by Woody Allen.
- Ole Miss Law
At first, I thought this one was easy to call. Louie's demeanor is so much more forbidding than Kermy's, and he's got that horny sort of face that could conceivably take a lot of stress. But then I thought, there are a few things in Kermit's favor.
1) While Louie's been hanging out in the swamps, where things are just a little slower, Kermit's got alot of respect on the streets of the city, Sesame Street in particular. (Which, as you'll recall is populated by monsters!)
2) Louie has no doubt been subsisting largely on a diet of beer, and he'll probably show up to the fight half-stewed. Kermit has honed his fighting skills to an amazing degree, dodging the ninja-like attacks of Miss Piggy, and although he has been "haayyaaa-ed" several times by said pig, he has consistently walked away virtually unscathed.
3) Don't underestimate the power of Jim Henson Productions, and by extension the entire Disney kingdom and all its evil minions. The beer industry is as a gnat compared to the power of the Mouse.
However, having said all of the above, I think I still have to give the fight to Louie, although it will be close. Here are my reasons.
A) My thoughts on Kermit's prowess began to change, as I considered the fact that Kermit has repeatedly kowtowed to and been beaten into submission by a narcissistic swine. This does not bode well for Kermit's performance in the match. All those years of cowering under the Wrath of Piggy have to have taken their toll.
B) Without the power of Jim Henson animating his limbs and giving life to his voice, I'm afraid our poor amphibian friend is suffering from an identity crisis of gigantic proportions. (When I talk, whose voice will come out? Does my "Piggy" cry have that Hensonian authenticity to it? etc.)
C) All of the beer-swilling that Louie has done has no doubt turned him into a belligerent drunk. Besides, Budweiser isn't a real beer anyway. They've probably put additives into it that will turn the chameleon into a fighting machine.
D) We all know that the monsters on Sesame St. are primarily of the "cute and furry" variety. (Except Oscar, of course. Now there's a muppet I'd put my money behind!) While Kermit has been hanging out on Sesame St. getting in touch with his feelings and receiving a fine education, Louie has been developing his guerilla warfare tactics in the harsh world of the swamp, dodging mosquitoes the size of B-52's, alligators, and God knows what other dangerous forms of flora and fauna.
I still think this one's going to be close, and Kermit could always summon the ghost of Jim Henson to aid him, but I have to throw my vote behind Louie. May the best man--no, lizard--no, amphibian--life form?--aw heck, may the best ONE win!
Well obviously based on his actions towards the "weis" frog, Louie will attempt to eliminate his opponent permanantly, leaving o competition with the job. Kermit will provide an easy to hit target (after all Kermit is attached to strings and has a puppeteers's hand up his butt, that would make anyone an easy target.) However Louie has made a fatal mistake, he has, by killing Kermit, has given Kermit Martyr Power (TM) and is endeared to everyone! The company will use Kermits sacrifice to show how they will make sacrifice themselves for their customers. So Kermit gets the job despite the fact that he is dead and Louie is once again left on his tree branch in the dark malaria infested swamp
- Evan the disgruntled Ewok
At first I was going to say that Kermit would never subject himself to being spokesfrog for beer. In his first movie, he spends much of the film being pursued by a hired crack-shot rather than advertise a loathesome product.
But then I got to recalling a more recent movie, "Muppets From Space." As with the other Muppet films since their third one, its quality is a shadow compared to the earlier years. (That goes for the first half of "The Jim Henson Hour," too.) I saw this "Close Encounters" knock-off on video with some college friends, and I was the only sober person in the room. I thought it was okay and had its moments, but my besotted companions found it thoroughly enjoyable. My conclusion: you don't have to be drunk to appreciate the newer Muppet movies, but it helps.
Thus, Kermit isn't doing this just because he needs a gig; promoting beer is a roundabout way of increasing his video sales. Motivation and marketing tie-ins win this one, especially given the proven power of Disney tie-ins (e.g. "Come get a 'Pocahontas' Happy Meal!"). Could this be part of a Michael Eisner plot to ultimately sell booze in the movie theaters?
- Matt Bricker, still waiting to see an endorsement by Gollum
For Christ sakes we're talking about Kermit the friggin' Frog. The same frog that kicked the crap out of Tim Curry with some amazing swordplay, the same frog that endured employment under Ebenezer Scrooge, and yes the very same frog that led a motley team of Muppets to steal a very valuble diamond with nothing but a rubber raft with a hole in it and an empty jar of peanut butter to aid him. Lets get "movin' right along" *Dooga doom, dooga doom* to the next match, shall we?
- Voodoo Man
I wanted to vote for Louie the Lizard, but my roomate persuaded me otherwise. You see, my roomate (let's call him My Roomate) has what you might call a Kermit fetish. He has literally dozens of small Kermit the Frog figurines in his bedroom. He has a Kermit the Frog puppet that he plays with. A lot. (I find it disturbing how much he seems to enjoy placing his hand and half his forearm up the arse of a toy puppet, but that is neither here nor there. I digress.) He has a Kermit the Frog baseball cap and numerous Kermit t-shirts. Now, My Roomate is almost 23 years of age, yet his infatuation with this green, fuzzy frog persists. He does a half-way decent Kermit imitation, but come on. He's gone as far as to purchase a Muppet's (tm) Chess Set from eBay because the King in the set is none other than Kermit T. Frog. I've tried for years to help My Roomate cure himself of this problem, but it seems to be getting worse and worse. He threatened grave physical harm if my choice was NOT Kermit, and hence, I cast my vote in his favor.
- Adam B.
Time of match: 15 minutes in brief, 60-second vignettes.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
Next Match: The Tree House of Horrors.
Next Match: The Tree House of Horrors.
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC