Sinister laughter can be heard from a dark house on the edges of Clay Land. Inside, a crowd is gathered in the basement. Pokey can be seen in the corner, strapped to a chair and gagged. Sluggo is looking into a large shoebox in the center of the room, an evil Grinch-like grin from ear-to-ear. He calls the Blockheads over and says that it's time to begin. They peer into the box...
In the middle of the box is Gumby, one wrist lashed to the wrist of his competitor, Mr. Bill. At one end of the box, imbedded in the cardboard, is a razorblade. At the other end, a Zippo (tm) lighter, specially designed so that either of the contestants can use it. Sluggo gives the signal to begin. Only one clay figure may emerge from the box alive. If it is Gumby, he and Pokey may go free; if it is Mr. Bill, Pokey is killed and Mr. Bill gets to drive off with Malibu Stacey (tm).
Is Mr. Bill shredded or Gumby melted?
Second, there's that wimpy Mr. Bill scream. "Oh noooo!" Anyone with a voice like that doesn't deserve to win. Granted, Gumby isn't Mr. Oratory, but at least he's respectable (especially when played by Eddie Murphy). Thirdly, the color green exudes power. Look at the Incredible Hulk, Martians, etc. They're always tough. Victory to Gumby!
BRIAN: Usually all that your rantings are good for, Steve, is to direct our readers away from the subject at hand. This time, however, you lead them right to my point: Gumby has never faced serious competition. He's soft. (Well, actually, they're both soft, but you know what I mean.) Yeah, Mr. Bill gets beat up a lot...by Sluggo, who, by the way, is about a gazillion times the size of Gumby (Eddie Murphy excluded, of course, since this is Clay Land). Yet he continues to bounce back, time and time again. He's tough. He can certainly bounce back from anything that green twig with a pre-pubescent voice can throw at him.
And speaking of green, that is actually a huge strike against Gumby. The green powers you speak of are the exceptions. What about the rest? Kermit the Frog - yeah, he's funny, but he gets beat up repeatedly by a sow!; Green Lantern - oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a REAL superhero; Gangreen, Soylent Green (TM), Greenpeace - 'Nuff said; The Jets - Too much said. What color does Mr. Bill have going for him? He's white. A white male no less. Do I need to list the powerful white males to make this point any clearer? If the internet could handle that kind of information, I would. Clearly, the racial advantage goes to Mr. Bill. Well, for now anyway. Once Gumby assumes a new color from his encounter with the Zippo inferno, he will later zoom past Mr. Bill on the corporate ladder.
STEVE: Don't underestimate Green. Green Lantern was a member of the Superfriends, so he definitely qualifies as a superhero. One also can't forget about Lorne Greene: Commander Adama, Ben Cartwright -- he was unstoppable! And then there's Mean Joe and Kevin. The list is unending. Unfortunately I cannot defend your statement about the Jets. I guess being from New Jersey overpowers any benefits the color may hold.
Another problem you have is that clay doesn't burn. Sure the modern clay-like plastics may burn, but real old-fashioned clay is immune to fire. How do you think pottery works? And believe me, a simple open flame isn't enough to reach those temperatures. The way I see it, Mr. Bill has no usuable weapon, and will quickly succumb to the wrath of Gumby.
BRIAN: Ooooh, Green Lantern was a Superfriend (tm)! Big deal! I'm a big Superfriends fan, but they had no shortage of lame-o's on their squad: Green Lantern, Robin, that look-at-me-I-can-grow Apache guy, and, of course, Xan & Jena the Wonder Twats with their mutant pet, Gleek. Face it, Steve, green is the essence of weakness and stands no chance against the multi-colored array that is Mr. Bill.
And when did I say clay can burn? The change in color would come from soot, not from clay combustion. Clay melts, Steve. Perhaps the kind of clay found in pottery doesn't melt, but something tells me Gumby's composition is much more similar to Play-dough (tm) than to the fine silt of the Euphrates River. Once Mr. Bill muscles him over the open flame, Pokey throws in the towel. Of course, the towel and the disfigured Gumby hit the cardboard in slow motion at exactly the same time just as Gumby breathes his last breath (a la Rocky IV). And if you still don't think the flame will hurt Gumby, envision the same scenario but with Gumby impaled on the shimmering Gillette (tm). Mr. Bill in 45 seconds.
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So I think Gumby must be related to the whole stop motion world of Davey and Goliath, Bing Crosby and St. Nick, the Heat- and Coldmeisers, etc. So that should make him pretty used to competition. Mr. Bill just gets jerked over by that Mr. Hand. I see an economic scenario - Gumby the free market, competitive idealist vs. the alienated worker Mr. Bill, tired of being pushed around by the not-so-invisible hand of commerce.
I don't know. I guess I don't really care who wins.
1. The bell rings. Mr. Bill pulls towards the razor as Gumby goes for the torch. Since Gumby has more mass, he wins the tug of war, at least to the extent that Mr. Bill's arm is pulled off.
2. Gumby runs for the lighter, trailing Mr. Bills arm. Mr. Bill scrambles for the razor, grabbing it in his good hand.
3. They fight for hours with their implements, both failing to do any damage whatsoever. Finally, both exhausted, they complain to Blockheads/Sluggo that it's a tie, in their whiny little voices.
4. The evil ones, disgusted, give up on the fight and dump a vat of solvent into the arena. Mr. Bill, the shorter of the two, dissolves first. Gumby's head extends above the solvent, squeeling in dismay. But the head survives!
5. Satisfied at this outcome, the Blockheads stick Gumby's head to Pokie's other end, and set them/it free. GumPoke wanders the earth, in search of green clay to recompose Gumby, who is sick of being on the eliminating end of a red equine.
Gumby in 12 hours, 30 minutes.
- Bruce Hayek
On the other hand, Mr. Bill would lose a fight to the 3rd grade bully in an all-girls school. All he knows how to do is get crushed. His knowledge will be useful.
First off: let's take a look at the competitors' composition. Play-Doh (tm) versus plain rubber w/internal wire supports. At the sound of the bell, Gumby's races off to the razor, taking the wrist binding, and Bill's wrist, with him. Bill's left with one hand and a Zippo.
On Bill's side, we'll give that he knows some hand-to-hand combat skills, having grown up "playing" with the Sluggo kids. Even if his skills were the better of the two, Gumby's got the speed. He could dance around Bill until he dried out, became crumbly, and generally unpleasant to play with.
And the big mac-daddy of the arguments: say Mr. Bill for some reason overcame these odds and finally had Gumby, blackened and shredded, on the mat for the kill. Enter Mr. Hands (tm) stage right, offering to "help" in his normal fashion. "Quick Mr. Bill, use this switchblade! I'll drop it in the box for you!" *splat* "OooohNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
As always, with Mr. Bill it's a lose/lose situation.
- Evil BJ
Besides, Gumby has never taken any real punishment to compare to all the very very bad things that have happened to Mr Bill. He may underestimate Mr Bill's ability to recover from seemingly crippling injuries and will as a result turn his back to Mr Bill at the absolute wrong moment and LOSE THE MATCH.
Mr Bill by a hair after an extremely long, bizarre match.
P.S. If by freak possibility Mr Bill loses, could ya put a good word in for me with Malibu Stacey? She's a real babe. :]
It is here that a little history lesson is required. Unbeknownst to nearly everyone, Bill and Sluggo are partners (that is if you call an addict and his pusher, partners). Bill is hopelessly addicted to Herbal Ecstacy, and has been freebasing for years. Sluggo, has provided him with the dope. Mr. Bill and Sluggo have been doing their show, all these years, to feed Bills' drug habit. Bill hands his royalties to Sluggo, and Sluggo provides the goods. This explains why Bill always has the sparkly eyes, such a high threshold of pain, and why he puts up with so much abuse. This brings us back to events at hand.
At the very moment that Gumby morphs into Sluggo, Bill starts to come down off his latest trip to Nirvana. Now normally this would not be a problem, because Bill would shoot up again and all would be right with the world. But that is not the case. You see, Sluggo, seeing that Herbal Ecstacy is now under investigation, and impossible to come by, has put Bill in the grudge match to kill off Bill once and for all. Sluggo, has seen Bill go through DT's and realizes that he is in real danger when Bill comes to. And Bill, just ran out of drugs.
Bill, having his first sober moment in 20 years, finds himself tied up to Sluggo (so he thinks) and realizes that Sluggo, and everyone like him has ruined his life up to this point. In a frightening display of rage, Bill rips the knife from Gumbys hands and proceeds to hack Gumby into tiny pieces. He then rushes the now unlocked door, and searches for more to destroy.
Seeing the real Sluggo, Bill rushes him, as well, and cuts off one of his legs. Sluggo, frightened to death, pleads with Bill for mercy. But, Bill, now consumed with rage, says "you look like you could use another" and proceeds to cut off Sluggo's remaining leg.
All of Clay Land is now free of Sluggo's criminal influence and Bill is hailed as the "Clayland Vigilante". Alas, but all is not what it seems. It seems, Bill, in his quest for justice, has broken quite a few laws. Bill is brought up on charges for the murder of Gumby and attempted murder of Sluggo. In light of Sluggo's criminal record, Gumby's desguise and Bill's history of abuse, all charges are dropped and Bill is set free.
Sluggo, now in a wheelchair for life due to having no legs, is unhappy with the decision and hires Johnny Cochran to file a civil suit against Bill. Sluggo contends that Bill violated his civil rights and that the attack was racially motivated. After all, Bill is white, and Gumby and Sluggo were "colored".
During cross examination Bill does admit that he "snapped" and wanted nothing more than to kill Sluggo and everyone that looks like him. After a short diliberation by the jury, Bill is found guilty of violating Sluggo's civil rights and Sluggo is awarded 10 million dollars in punitive damages.
Bill is forced to pay 10% of his salary for the next 20 years. Broke and with nowhere else to go, Bill spends the rest of his broken life in the Keith Richards wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.
The score: "oppressed minority" lawyers: 2 "powerful white" males: 0- William and Amy Thomas
Sorry, had to get it out of my system.
Brian, what are you thinking?!?! Kemit the Frog is THE MAN!!! err.. THE FROG!!!! as he says "It's not easy being green ... but green can be important like a mountain, or tall like a tree, and I think that green is what I wanna be." Even Ray Charles agrees, and if he can beat Stevie Wonder in a dart compition, well that just goes to show the power of GREEN!!! Besides, no one ever says "The mean WHITE machine."
Besides, you are both mising the important point here... Gumby has PUPILS!!! all Mr. Bill has is two little blue dots. He's probably just a mole or something. I mean, He is all white, has virtually no eyes, has actual _hands_ for digging through the dirt. When Mr. Bill actually ligts the Zippo, the light will blind him and Gumby will deftly slit his throat.
- Moshe Y. Katz-Hyman
The Blockheads sit in frustration scratching their heads, watching as Gumby and Mr. Bill are too concerned with freeing themselves and Pokey. They came for violence and blood (well clay doens't bleed but you get my point). An hour of agonizing time passes, and eventually Gumby has a light blub appear over his head. He and Mr.Bill whisper to each other and on the count of 3 nod to each other, roll into a giant ball of green and red and blue clay, spit out the ropes that binded them and roll toward the Blockheads and Sluggo knocking them to the floor. They roll back and emerge whole again. Gumby quickly lifts one foot, and with a *WHHHEEEESH* sound, slides over to Pokey, untying him.
"You Blockheads really thought you had us in a pickle this time, but we put our heads together and beat you," Gumby proudly gloated. "We declare this contest a tie," Mr.Bill stated with a proud smile. Sluggo bowed his head. "You guys are right... Mr.Bill I'm sorry," he stated in a low, quiet voice. "and seeing as it is a tie, and Pokey is free, Mr. Bill you may have your prize. "HOT DOG," exclaimed Mr. Bill "So where is the little missy," he asked as he straighted out his hair. Pokey heard a low growling and galloped over to a door, "I think she's in here, I can hear the car's engine." Mr. Bill ran to the door and opened it in anticipation, as he, Pokey and Gumby stepped inside the door. Sluggo pulled a remote out of his pocket and turned on the close circuit television as he smiled to the Blockheads. "I anticipated this," he said with a laugh.
Mr. Bill heard the noise of the engine get louder in the dark room, he eagerly reached to the light switch to see his dream date. The light quickly went on and the clay trio saw nothing but a brown dog, foaming at the mouth, bloodlust in his eyes. It teared into them. Death screams echoed in thr room, and clay pieces few everywhere. Gumby looked up and saw a small boy in a cage across the room, his eyes pinned (ala Clockwork Orange). He recognized him as his friend David before he blacked out. David screamed louder for his rabid companion to stop, but Golath ignored his masters pleas as he shredded the three to oblivion.
- Haohmaru, University of Central Florida
Gumby is sliced to ribbons by a blockhead Gumby robot swordsman and simply REGENERATES INTO ABOUT 10 SMALLER GUMBYS!
This slick stick is clearly indestructible.
- Howard Sale, Vancouver B.C., Canada
Gumby in 73 seconds or 2 hours (if you count the time Gumby takes to torture Mr. Bill before finishing him off).
- Craig Stephen Denison, Lowell Observatory
Mr. Bill doesn't even have a chance. From a guy who only yells "Oh no!" as he gets continually splat, to a war veteran like Gumby, protector of lost toys, defender of the common kiln, standing up for pliable toys rights eveywhere. Riding on his trusty companion Pokey, he goes off and kicks major butt. Not like Mr. "Hey Itchy! Bring me that Tactical nuke so we can blow this sucker up" WIMPO Bill, who is destined to be replayed on stupid Pizza Hut commercials because he doesn't have the moxey. LISTEN UP, Bill. You are not *PUMPED* up. You are girlie clay. Go back to the castoff pile next to the spinning wheel and let real men like Gumby alone.
- Rusty, Gumby is a real MAN club member, #3145, Eden Prairie, MN
- JHUGHES, University of Toledo
Mr. Bill has no backup (Spot is usually a victim before Mr. Bill), and therefore won't expect one. He's used to dealing with these attacks by himself. Plus one for the Billster.
Gumby, unused to solo playdough-a-playdough conflict, will become disoriented...afraid. And this will leave his opponant, finally confronting an adversary that doesn't outweigh him by 200 lbs, to feel......... T H E R A G E !!!!
Can I get an amen, brothers and sisters? Mr. Bill will be holding Gumby's head after four clay-splattering minutes.
- The Claw
- D.A. & E.L.J.
Oh, BTW The Cookie would kick that Popsicle!
- Mitch Harden
- Michael A. Young
- Jason Burtrum
- Dave Strom
GO GUMBY GO!!!!
Let us not forget that without Eddie Murphy, Gumby is just one big diatribe on 'let's be good to one another' late 50's-early 60's American machinations. It's painfully clear that Gumby will crumble, yes crumble, at the deafening "Ohhh Nooooooo" that can only be generated from the mighty lungs of Mr.Bill. Don't think for a second that that soft-hearted (er..you know what I mean) wuss can endure a cry for pity. He'll blink. Oh yeah. He will blink. And in that vital moment, Mr. Bill will fatally strike!
calling it the way I see it,
BTW, your site is just plain silly, keep it up!
Gumby in a minute-long horrifying display of mayhem.
- Greg A. Kudlac
Additionally, Gumby sports a greater surface area to mass ratio than Mr. Bill, and therefore would be more likely to burn even if both were made of the same material. You light the newspaper at the end, don't you?
Lastly, Mr. Bill displays a talent for functioning even when dismembered. His arms fall off, his head topples, yet he comes back for more. Gumby, to my knowledge, has always remained integrated.
- Chris Kote
I'm not going to lie to you. Mr. Bill is a fat *&%$#$@ slob. He drinks.He doesn't mow his lawn.He yells at the neighborhood children. He pops pain killers like god-damn candy.His career is so down the toilet a whole local union of plumbers couldn't bring it back.And thee only reason he keeps working with Sluggo is to get some human contact.This guy(Mr. Bill) hasn't had a date since the Lambchop(tm) tragedy in 1969.*Wool and clay don't mix well.This guy's a BUM.
On thee other side of our coin, Gumby stayed in shape. Since retirement,Gumby has lead an active life.After retiring from the Actor's Guild in 1962,Gumby joined our country's highly decorated group of soldiers,The Green Berets.After several over seas tours, he came back to serve our nation's homeless.You learn a lot about yourself working those souplines.Now he has rejoined the Guild doing stunt double work for E.R.'s Anthony Edwards,fellow misshaped headed actor.
Now hears how I see this playing out.Gumby,at first, can't budge Mr.Bill's fat drunk ass.Bill reaches(ha,falls) for the lighter. Flames engulf Gumby.But as Gumby's outer shell melts away,his(pre- Terminator) exoskeloton is exposed.Now he's(Gumby) mad."I fought to protect guys like you?Your history mister dirtbag."
G2 crams razorblade splinters down Mr. Bill's throat.And with a flurry of punches and jabs Bill's reduced to a blob of clay that even the likes of Jeffery Dahmer's art teacher would turn away.
You see, Mr. Bill didn't read the fine print on the contract he signed with SNL. He's broke.
Although Gumby was screwed the first time around on his own show, he did see the Mr. Bill interview on the Barbra Walters Special ( who didn't? ). So when Loren Michaels approched Gumby about using his character on the show, Gumby wasn't fooled. He retained the services of a then unkown F. Lee Bailey and he hammered out a 7-figure deal.
Gumby had always wanted a metal skeleton, just like his toy. ( Which, by the way, he never saw a penny for. ) Of course, he never had the money for such an expensive surgery, until now.
With metal skeleton in place, this makes Gumby Virtualy Indestructible(tm). Mr. Bill would be unable to cut off any part of Gumby. And if he did try to use the flame, it would only expose the deadly sharp skeleton which Gumby would use to slice Mr. Bill to bits.
- CompuServer (tm)
But really Mr. Bill is constantly beaten and abused. This has obviously affected him and made him a psychotic. He enjoys the punishment much like an abused child. A masochist and Mr. Bill would be great friends.
Besides I am sure Gumby is too nice a guy to HURT people, Mr. Bill on the other hand has some serious aggression to get out.
- David Handoga
But BillyBoy is inept in any event; Gumby won't break a sweat. What's Mr. B's ("I pity myself") motivation? A date with Malibu Staci won't harden Billy's clay. Maybe if they offered him a date with Pokey. Gumby'll cut him into clay spaghetti.
I just hope Gumby celebrates at Pizza Hut and carves that slice character a new sphincter.
- Jeff Carroll, Cornell University
- Ron Click
- Dynamic Self Defence Systems
"Aren't we beyond Thunderdome!?" cried Gumby. Sluggo just smiled a bit wider. "Well, I refuse to fight and kill a fellow clay creature! You can't..." Gumby's words were cut short by a well thrown rock by one of the Blockheads, stunning the green wonder for a moment.
"You can win now, Mr. Bill. Just go over and grab the lighter and fry the green goo with it." "No way! Sluggo is always is always mean to me. I don't trust him." "But Gumby will just kill you when he wakes up if you don't." "Oh well, I'll do it."
Mr. Bill drags Gumby's body by the lashed wrist and grabs the Zippo (tm) lighter. He points it directly down at Gumby but when he lights it, the flame goes up instead of down, melting half of Mr. Bill's face.
"Oh nooooooo!" "But you can still win Mr. Bill. Just grab the razor and cut him up."
Mr. Bill, now panicked because of his burns, runs to the other side of the box to get the razor. Unfortunately but predictably, he forgets he is still lashed to Gumby and rips off his arm in the process.
"Oh Nooooo!" "Keep going, Mr. Bill, before Gumby wakes up."
Mr. Bill, goes for the razor but has a hard time removing it from the box with only one arm. Meanwhile, Gumby regains consciousness but is still staggered. "He's waking up. Hurry before he gets you!" In a last ditch effort, Bill gets the razor free and predictably stumbles. However, to the shock of everyone but especially Sluggo, Mr. Bill does not fall on the blade but instead throws it wildly and accidentally decapitates Gumby.
"Yeah! I did it! I won! Now you have to let me go, Sluggo! Hee! Hee! Hee!" Sluggo frowns. He never expected Mr. Bill to win. But good to his word, he gives him a limo and hooks him up with Malibu Stacey (tm). However, while driving along a romantic mountain path, Bill finally notices that his chauffeur is actually Toonces the Driving Cat just before they plummet off a 300 foot cliff. "Look out! Oh Nooooooooooooooooooo!"
Meanwhile, the bad guys have forgotten about Gumby. They don't know that Gumby can separate into pieces and then rebuild himself (like when he escaped from a gumball machine by becoming a bunch of gumballs). While rewarding Mr. Bill, the green one has reconstituted himself T1000 style and has rescued Pokey. After vanquishing the villains, he uses the Blockheads for end tables while Sluggo gets janitorial duty - after ten years they give him a mop.
So as you can see, no matter what the results of the match are, Gumby wins and Mr. Bill loses. Q.E.D.
- Paul Golba
- El Squid, Lawrence University
Plus, Mr. Bill is the Underdog (tm). Haven't you noticed that the guy who bets on the sure loss in the office pool always wins? Gumby's numerous victories only serve to make him overconfident and now Mr. Bill can strike his death blow.
Finally, this brings up the idea of loyalties. Since being on Saturday Night lIve (tm) Mr. Bill has gotten numerous allies (forget about Gumby and Eddie Murphy, no eddie in Clay Land right?). Who would win in Gumby vs. Samurai hit-Man? What about King-Tut's curse? Toss a happy fun ball in there and see what happens!
On the other hand, Mr. Bill and his wimpy "Oh nooooo!" are so dumb, it's scary, and they can never get through any problem.
- Daniel Schneider, age 6, Trumansburg, NY
- D. Kurt Green, Memorial University
- Michael "Despite the name, I AM Irish" Lacroix
The madder Gumby gets, the stronger Gumby gets!
An admirer of your work (since Eric Zorn exposed it in the Chicago Tribune)--
- Charles Meyerson
Mr.Bill starts off poorly when Gumby grabs him around the head, and squeezes like all git out. Sluggo and The Blockheads start cracking up. Then Mr.Bill starts twitching.
"LAUGHTER!" he shreiks. "ALWAYS LAUGHTER! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YAARRRRGGGHH!" He grabs Gumby by his oddly shaped head, throws him to the floor, and carves him up like a Thanksgiving Turkey. But Mr.Bill is far from done. He severs Gumby off his hand, and Pole-Vaults out of the box. He slashes the Blockheads at the groin area, and watches them fall to the ground.
"OK SLUGGO, LETS ROCK!" Mr.Bill bellows, grabbing Sluggo at the throat. He flings Sluggo to the ground and rips his pants off. He bends Sluggo over the shoe-box.
"LETS HEAR YOU SAY "OH NOOOOO"!" The scene is too disgusting, yet strangely amusing, to give, but afterwards, Mr.Bill kills that Pizza-Head jerk, who's just a wannabe, anyway.
Gumby, predicatbly enough, will push this advantage to the limit, literally skating circles around Mr. Bill while holding on to one of the unfortunate golem's ears. In a very brief while, Mr. Bill's head will twist off and fall to the ground with satisfying "schlupp" sound. Pokey will roll his eyes and attempt to say something scathingly sarcastic (mercifully thwarted in this effort by tha gag so thoughtfully placed by the Blockheads), and Gumby will begin to say something so pithily cheery that it would make one normally cheer for the Blockheads, when the giant shadow of the heretofor forgotten Mr. Hand will fall upon the lot of them. Mr. Hand will give a brief but well-spoken lecture on how one should always clean up after oneself, and will sweep all the Blockheads and Sluggo into the box with Gumby, Pokey and the now somewhat shorter Mr. Bill. He'll finish off his housecleaning by placing an open can of Ronson's Lighter Fluid (TM) in the box as well, after which he will securely tape down the lid.
With all the scrambling about inside by the panicky Blockheads, it won't take long for the Ronson's Lighter Fluid to reach the open flame of the Zippo. Pokey's screams will be slightly more muffled than anyone else's, but that's about all.
To sum up: Mr. Bill falls in about 4.5 seconds. Clayland in it's entirety about thirty seconds later.
Mr. Hand gives this scenario: One Thumb Up.
- Jack Dracula
- Joshua Jarvis
Take a look at an episode of the Mr. Bill Show. What happens? A hand reaches down, places Mr. Bill in some dangerous situation, and then Mr. Bill is destroyed, bit by bit. What doesn't happen? Mr. Bill doesn't move on his own. Yes, Mr. Bill is devoid of any and all capacity to move his body himself.
Now look at an episode of Gumby. Sure, Gumby may not be that tough, but he can sure move himself around. Since Gumby has the all important ability to move that Mr. Bill lacks, I figure the match will go something like this:
Both contestants will have the advantage of Rage (TM). Gumby will be filled with Rage (TM) for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is because his show is most often aired at 6 AM when no self-respecting child is going to want to get out of bed, and because of that shameless parody that Eddie Murphy did of him. Mr. Bill will be filled with Rage (TM) becuase in all the years, he's never been able to move enough to avoid certain destruction. However, Rage (TM) doesn't do all that much good when, as I've started several times, you can't move.
First of all, Gumby, not fond of being attatched at the wrist to Mr. Bill, drags statue-boy towards the side of the box with the razor. As Gumby raises his Gilette (TM) sword in the air, Mr. Bill gazes into the eyes of his little green nemesis. Mr. Bill sees that Gumby's red pupils have begun to glow with the red hot intentisty that can only be brought on by Rage (TM). A piercing falsetto cry of "OH NO!!!" fills the air as Gumby's razor slices through Mr. Bill's wrist, like a knife through butter. Freed from his attatchment to Mr. Bill, Gumby leisurly strolls over to the lighter and begins to slowly and painfully torture Mr. Bill until all that is left are a few chunks of smoldering blue and white clay.
At this point, our motley crew of spectators begins to cheer, assuming that the fight is over. Gumby, however, has had his first taste of blood, and won't be satiated by a mere appetizer such as Mr. Bill. Rising out of the box, he lets out a scream that pierces the very heavens themselves. The Blockheads scurry into a corner, in hopes that Sluggo will deal with the green menace, but unfortunately, Sluggo is just as mobile as Mr. Bill. Gumby makes quick work of Sluggo and then heads over to the blockheads, leaving nothing but two mangled red bodies, with unintelegable letters printed on their heads.
Gumby is on a roll and can't be stopped now. Reaching up to wipe away the foam that has begun to gather on his lips, he heads off into the sunset of claymationland. Look out Davy and Goliath. Look out California Raisins.
Death comes for you, and he rides a red horse...
- Benjaimin Kroll
Putting aside Sluggo's innate Bill-smushing tendencies, I have to side with the Gumby-meister in this battle. There are several reasons why Gumby will make a Play-Dough (tm) ashtray out of Mr. Bill:
1) Both competitors are tied at the wrists; with one strong pull, Gumby would manage to remove Bill's hand, leaving Bill in excruciating, but non-toxic, pain. While Bill shrieks in his girlish voice "Oh nooooo!", Gumby would flip the hand out of the shoebox and into Pokey's open mouth.
2) With the use of only one hand, Bill could conceivably use the razor blade, but the Zippo is out of the question--Gumby knows which end of the shoebox to cover. It would probably take two hands for that wimp, Bill, to remove the razor blade from the cardboard anyways.
3) As Bill desperately approaches Gumby, in an attempt to get to push Gumby backwards into the razor blade, the coup-de-grace would put a quick end to this battle. Anyone who has ever owned a Gumby, knows that the green guy has a metal skeleton that helps Gumby maintain those Kama Sutra positions we all put him in (what? like I was the only one?). In a Bond-like move, Gumby would reveal his right arm's skeleton and pierce Mr. Bill's heart and other assorted clay parts, until the holes in Bill's body caused the clay structure to collapse on itself.
I am Gumby, dammit! Hear me roar. Pokey, let's get out of here and go for some chicken soup made by that "bork bork" guy.
- John Dexter
Secondly...Mr. Bill has a slight disadvantage...Mr. Hand....Yes...that lovable appendage with a voice always seems to show up to screw up any chances of Mr. Bill to enjoy a happy ending...Mr. Hand will probably come in and give Mr. Bill a chainsaw that will slice Mr. Bill up to ribbons, releasing that insidious, "Oh Noooooooo!" that we have all come to imitate...Clearly Gumby is gonna emerge the victor in this bout..Razors and lighters or not..
Now, just to quickly look at Gumby or should it be WHIMPY. A child like thing that has wire bones often protruding after being bent around a bit. He has never met adversity of this sort in his life and certainly doesn't have the innate mean streak to make him a true tough man winner. He's a sissy, pocket protector wearing, booger eating, wimp.
- Willis Combo
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Captain Kangaroo v. Mister Rogers
Bill & Ted v. Wayne & Garth
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© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC