World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis


The Setting


"Eggscellent! At long last eet iz done!", exclaimed Count Chocula as he lowered the metal platform back into his laboratory from the raging thunderstorm above. "Behold my new creation! Frankenberry! Come help me with this!"

Frankenberry moans and shuffles over to the platform. He holds it while the Count unstraps a glowing, electrified box of cereal and examines it closely. Frankenberry, even through his dimwitted brain, can see the greatness of this new cereal.

The Count had been shunned for years by others in the cereal industry for his theories. Everyone had said it couldn't be done, that it was a physical impossibility. But the tenacious Count had indeed finally done it. He had created the Holy Grail (tm) of breakfast cereals -- his new creation actually broke the so-called "Sugar Barrier" and contained 200% sugar. This new cereal was sure to win over the entire breakfast cereal market.

"Ve must get thees to Kelloggs City at once! Frankenberry! Summon my courier!"

Soon Lucky the Leprechaun (tm) arrives, and takes the breakthrough cereal into his custody for its long journey to Kelloggs City. It should be a simple matter to safely deliver it, shouldn't it?

Alas, the evil Sugar Bear, cruel dictator of Sweetened Cereal Land (tm), has conspired to eliminate this unneeded competition. He sends forth his right-hand man, the Trix Rabbit, to capture this new box of cereal for his own evil purposes. It is only a matter of time until the Trix Rabbit finds Lucky frolicking through the woods on his way to Kelloggs City.

Lucky, by his nature, is unable to hold on to cereal he has in his possession. The Trix Rabbit though, is unable to obtain any box of cereal he desires. The forces of nature are upset! Where does the cereal end up?

So Brian, Who succeeds in snagging the super-sweet cereal?

Lucky the Leprechaun, Lucky Charms Cereal Trix Rabbit, Trix Cereal

Lucky the Leprechaun

vs.

The Trix Rabbit


The Commentary


BRIAN: Lucky all the way, Steve. It may look as if I'm oversimplifying things here, but let's face the obvious: he's lucky. Clearly, Lucky must be extremely lucky if somebody, presumably his parents, decided to NAME him "Lucky". With luck like that, the only way he can lose is if he comes across someone luckier, like those Meddling Kids (tm) from the commercials. So how do we know what kind of luck the Trix Rabbit has? Well, the only time I associate rabbits and luck is with a rabbit's foot. Sure, rabbit's feet are lucky... after the rabbit's been chopped into pieces and attached to a key chain. Somehow, I think the rabbit's getting the short end of the luck in that deal.

And that's just the beginning of Lucky's advantages. Let's not forget the magical powers leprechauns possess: popping in and out of places at will, moving objects without touching them, etc. Plus, with his pot of gold, he'll have nearly inexhaustible resources to purchases weapons, transportation and/or Hired Goons (tm). These abilities, combined with the patented leprechaun mischievousness, spell certain doom for Mr. Trix. And if that isn't enough, there are the allies. Lucky's evil cousin from the Leprechaun movies would gladly come in for some quick'n'easy Hossenfeffah (tm). Who does Trix Rabbit have on his side? The foolish may suggest Bugs Bunny, but those with any sense can tell that there is no possible relation between the two. Bugs is just too cool to in anyway associate with Trix. Plus, they have different last names. That leaves only Roger Rabbit. While he may bed the hottest babe of all time, he's a bigger oaf than Trix and will only prove to be a liability.

Even given that both of them are bumbling, inept stooges, it's far easier to hold on to something then it is to pull off all the necessary plans to take it from someone else. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Steve. Expect Lucky to Lay Down The Law (tm) today.

STEVE: You think he's lucky just because he's named Lucky? If he's so darn lucky, then why is he stuck toting cereal around all day and being continually pestered by greedy children? And why is he relegated to wearing a dorky green hat and singing the praises of marshmallow shapes? Sounds more like he should have been named "Cursed" to me.

Your lackluster analysis of other famous rabbits has it's flaws. I submit that Bugs cannot be left out, but let me discuss yet another rabbit. Have you forgotten the Energizer Bunny? He never stops! He just keeps going and going and going. With that kind of stamina going for him, the Trix Rabbit is going to simply wear out that little, out-of-shape midget, and steal the cereal he has craved for so long.

Everyone knows that Trix are simply Froot Loops (tm) in a spherical instead of ring shape. Same colors, same flavors. But what is less well-known is that Trix are also just like Fruity Pebbles (tm), the cereal that Barney Rubble is always trying to get from Fred Flintstone. If Barney is having trouble getting the same cereal, maybe it's not the Trix Rabbit after all! Maybe it's the nature of this type of cereal not to be had by outsiders. If this is the case, then the Trix Rabbit's curse won't apply to this new cereal, and The Trix Rabbit will walk away with it in mere seconds.

BRIAN: I can't believe I ever lose to this guy.

I don't think you've really looked at kid's cereal in quite some time, Steve. ALL kid's cereals are the same: cardboard-based delivery systems used to administer high quantities of sucrose to children. Sure, they may change the coloring or the flavoring a bit, but they're all essentially identical. So, yes, Trix are like Froot Loops (tm) and Fruity Pebbles (tm), but they are also like Cap'n Crunch (tm), Frosted Flakes (tm), Sugar Smacks (tm), and Kaboom (tm). And what does that mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! If I wanted, I could go on my own tangent about how Tony the Tiger (tm), Diggum (tm), Toucan Sam (tm) ad nauseum could parallel Trix and/or Lucky in order to try to show why Lucky would succeed, but I don't want to waste our readers' valuable time with irrelevant and highly subjective side arguments. Besides, the last thing you want to do is bring the Flintstones universe into this discussion. That would then leave me no choice but to mention how Lucky could call upon his cousin, The Great Gazoo, to law down some covering fire on Trix' sorry butt.

And when's the last time you really looked at the Energizer Bunny (tm)? What does the EB do? Again, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! If the scenario had Trix carrying the cereal with someone else trying to get it from him, then being related to EB could be an asset . One could imagine the Trix Rabbit carrying the cereal whilst cereal icons from all over the commercial world have their diabolical plans foiled as they look to see their failing Device of Destruction (tm) is powered by the ever unreliable SuperVolt (t m) battery. But that isn't the case here. Trix actually has to do something, namely get the cereal from Lucky. In that same situation, EB would just go around in circles and beat his little drum. Hardly an ally.

And just to clarify, yes I do think Lucky is in fact Lucky. You don't get named Lucky, The Nose, or Scarface without it being applicable. And I think you know what I'm getting at here. Two words, Steve: Mob ties.

STEVE: I'm having trouble believing the things I'm reading. You must be the densest individual on earth if you think that Frosted Flakes are the same as Trix. Even a 6 month old baby can tell the difference. Brian, look at them carefully. Trix are round, colorful, and fruity. Frosted Flakes are flat, brown, and crispy. By your logic, you must also think that an apple is like a saltine cracker, or maybe an orange is like a slice of stale bread. This last nonsense of yours definitely tops the list of the stupidest things you've ever said.

Finally, you managed to elude the obvious here. Compare the physiques of the Trix Rabbit and Lucky the Leprechaun. Look at the reach difference! Lucky has short, stubby arms, and will be unable to prevent the Trix Rabbit from getting the cereal. And once he gets it, he can just hold the box up high in the air, and Lucky will be unable to reach it. It's just that simple.


Thanks to the many people that suggested this or similar match-ups.
Thanks especially to Eric Crabtree who was the first to do so, quite some time ago.


The Results


Lucky the Leprechaun (1224)

crunches

The Trix Rabbit (615)


Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Voter Comments


RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

The forces of the universe are very powerful and not to be fooled with. Lucky, by his very nature, can never keep the cereal he wants while the Trix Rabbit, by his nature, can never obtain the cereal he desires. When these two forces collide the outcome is inevitable; the cereal will fall to Sonny, the Cocoa Puff Bird who's nature it is to be force fed cereal he doesn't want, leaving Lucky and the Rabbit both high and dry.

- Will


ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Well, I voted for Lucky ('coz he's Irish, you know), but I really don't think either one will end up with the goods. It all comes down to that Can't-catch-it/Can't hold-onto-it paradox. It's a little like the famous "Feline Butterology Theory", where a cat dropped from a height with a piece of buttered toast strapped to its back will levitate. Once Lucky and Trix get down to business, their achilles heels will prevent them both from achieving their objective. It all comes down to what I like to call the Weak Cereal Force, or WCF.

You see, Lucky and Trix both exhibit a negatively charged WCF, as does any known breakfast cereal so far discovered, except, of course, Shredded Wheat, which has a neutral, flavorless WCF. As we all know from basic physics, two negatively charged objects repulse each other. Only an object with a positively-charged WCF, say, for example, a mischieviously irreverent teenager, would be able to hold onto the cereal, as the two objects naturally attract.

Here's what I envision: as Trix goes to grab the cereal, Lucky's WCF would kick in, impelling the cereal away from the leprechaun. It would approach Trix, but again be repulsed by the rabbit's own negatively-charged WCF. What would result from this primal clash of cosmic forces, I cannot truly say. It would either result in:

a) cereal levitation much like the Feline Butterology Theory, or a Mag-Lev train, OR

b) the universe would reject the paradox and the entire planet would vanish into a black hole.

So, as you can see, perhaps it's best we don't find the true answer to this dilemma. Perhaps, on some far distant day in some uninhabited corner of the galaxy, scientists will be able to safely test this theory, but until that day comes, we shall simply have to shake our heads in wonder.

- The Derminator


ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

The results of this match really depend on the "nationality", if you will, of the participants. Count Chocula works in the labs of General Mills, as does his courier Lucky. The evil Sugar Bear heads up the Post camp, desperate to hold on to its fleeting share of the marketplace.

The wildcard here is the Trix Rabbit. Sure, Sugar Bear may know the rabbit as his right-hand man, but we all know that Trix is also a product of General Mills and that the Rabbit is a cleverly placed GM spy who worked his way through the Post leadership to his current trusted position. He has no intention of stopping Lucky. Nay, his plans and real orders are to escort Lucky along this journey. When Sugar Bear learns of this through various recon reports, he will send the only two henchman he has left in the stable, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. Knowing the importance of this mission, GM already has soldiers in place to take these two out, the deadly Honey Nut Bee and the unpredictable Sonny, who's ready "to get coocoo on their asses".

With this lineup of cereal mascot stars, Lucky and the Trix Rabbit easilly make it to Kelloggs City. Awaiting them is a celebratory feast with Snap, Crackle, and Pop, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and the whole Kelloggs lot. There, they chow on high-sugar cereal until their teeth rot and they pass out.

- Jon Levine



I chose The Trix Rabbit, but even he won't win in the end. It is *not* true that Trix Rabbit is unable to obtain any given box of cereal he desires. He almost always obtains his cereal, usually through the use of clever disguise. His problem is that it's always taken from him half a second later before he has a chance to eat it. So the way I see it unfolding is thus: Trix disguises himself as one of the greedy, meddling kids that tend to populate these types of commercials (you know, the ones who are teaching our children that it's okay to steal from the Irish). Lucky is always losing his cereal to these kids, so it'll be easy for Trix to take the cereal from him in this guise. Trix, as things usually go, will then immediately have it confiscated when the real meddling kids show up and show our children that it's okay to discriminate against those who are different. It's possible that once they try the super-sweet cereal, they'll get so high that they start demonstrating to our children that it's not, in fact, all that safe to jump off cliffs.

- Lorna, from Ottawa


Lucky wins. He'd throw out a couple spells and make Trix into a new marshmellow.

"Hey kids! There's a new marshmellow in my Lucky Charms! The magical white Trix the Rabbit marshmellow! Full of yummy tasting rabbit meat and fur! Magical Lucky Charms!" *a group of kids come out* "THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!"

- X1


We also shouldn't forget Lucky's connection with the IRA I mean, come on! Have you ever seen a box of cereal explode like that before?!? Showering innocent little children with sugar coated shrapnel?
...thought not.

- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood


A rather insightful and important argument, but I must admit that I am a bit concerned by the belief that simply naming someone Lucky should be argument enough for actually posessing luck. I think we are all familiar with the literary concept of irony. It is fair to believe that maybe, just maybe, he has been named Lucky for some ironic reason. We can certainly find many occassions in his past that we can consider anything but lucky. I ask you, what's so damn lucky about being chased around by an angry mob of crazed, sucrose deprived hellions. Or for that matter, what's so lucky about using your supposed superhuman leprachaun powers to devise some new method of escaping those psychotic cereal hungry monsters only to run into some unforseen obstacle that leads to your eventual and certain failure. God forbid that Lucky ever enlists the help of his evil leprachaun "friends" from the movies, I shudder at the possible ways that that little ploy could backfire on him. The key here is irony. Although our rabbit friend may be completely incompetent, he is not opposed by one of the most time tested literary tools. His incompetence has the luxury of occassional success, but the irony at work against Lucky is a cold-hearted uncaring force that allows no successes, Lucky is doomed to eternal failure, which is a shame because I could use a little more sugar in my diet.

- Adam Ellis


Trix haven't been round for like three years, they are fruit shaped. It's obvious neither of you know your cereal, in which case, I would have to declare the makers of Apple Jacks cereal the REAL winners, because even though they don't taste like apples, we just eat them anyway.

- JediPants


It's great that Lucky Charms are "magically delicious." However, this should have no effect on Lucky's ability to maintain control over his target. Instead, he has proven he is weak. He is inept. He has been paid for years to "slip" the little ones so me magic.

Besides, if his rainbows had any effect, he would have used them a long time ago to fry his over-sugared juvenile adversaries. Instead, he merely showers them with oddly shaped marshmallow nuggets.

Historically, the rabbit has been thwarted by the fact his target is a box of Trix. Trix cereal has been magnetically charged by the masters of Madison Avenue to repel itself from all rabbits. No matter what the rabbit does, he will never be able to hold onto the box for very long. It's the Trix Physics law. Go ahead... look it up at your library.

Imagine the Rabbit Rage(tm) the Trix rabbit must feel after seeking an impossible target for over two decades.

Unless Lucky is carrying a box of Trix, the rabbit will snatch the box, and pound Lucky into a frosted pulp that manages to stay crispy in milk.

Somewhere, some day, some kid, will open a box of Lucky Charms and find a tiny, bloody colored, leprechaun marshmallow. (That's OK because the outside of the box always advertises new shapes.)

Meanwhile, the rabbit will discover his true calling... as a cereal killer.

- RBaker


Lucky Charms is walking to Kellogs City. The Trix rabbit jumps out in front of Lucky, and yells "Give the suga..." Lucky pulled out a g-lock and shots Trix in the head, and mummbles "Steal my Luck Charms, blow your ass to pieces."
Love that theme song.

- Tsu


Deducing the winner is a simple matter of properly analyzing current political (though probably not geopolitical) trends in consumer thought.

As some of you old-timers may recall, way back in 1984, Trix ran an election to see if, just once, the Rabbit could get to taste Trix. He was alowed, and his reaction was not dissimilar to the euphoria experienced by Sunny, the Coco Puffs Cuckoo, or perhaps a heroin addict. But I digress.

Now, this was 1984, the height of the Reagan years. The country was deluding itself into a frenzy of pseudo-patriotic idiocy, led on by an evil on fart pretending to be our grandfather. Call me a cynic, but I see the same trends of arch conservative bull hockey creeping through America today. Clearly the time is ripe for another Trix victory. Besides, do you think Americans would allow a blasted furriner to get away with Ubercereal?

Of course, I used this same logic to "prove" the Red Sox would win the Series this year, so what do I know?

- Noah Smith


Okay, let's look at one thing that was overlooked in the commentary: cereal ingredients. Trix are filled with "fruit flavors" and sugar. Lucky Charms are "Magically Delicious". What does this mean? You guessed it, drugs. So we have somebody who's been making marshmallow moonshine, using clover crack, and watching all the colors in the rainbow swirl before his eyes versus a bunny who gets his buzz from mere sugar. Lucky knows what he's doing. He works hard on the streets, giving out free samples of his little "cereal" to get his cash, while this rabbit has been locked out by his suppliers and now wanders around the streets like a bum hoping to find some fruit-flavored sustance to ease his pain.

What this all means is that if the spaced-out Lucky meets with the dopey little rabbit, the next thing in Lucky's cereal bowl will be rabbit stew.

- Chris "Pastry" Csont


As far as the prizes go, Trix Rabbit and Lucky are more or less matched (although I'd still go with Lucky, as I use Lucky Charms glow-in-the-dark chalk (tm) in my dorm to keep score for darts) but when it comes to useless gimmick flavours and such, Lucky has Trix beat flat. His constant addition to his cereal of things like red balloons (tm), pots of gold(tm), hats(tm), rainbows (tm) and whatever the heck they now have(tm) shows that he is constantly inventive, and better than just inventive -- he is able to make all this junk out of the same thing: ARTIFICIAL MARSHMALLOWS. And he can do all this with just sugar and food colour -- something the 400 proof breakfast food he is carrying will provide in abundance.

Mr Trix will not be able so stand up to the barrage of marshmallows Lucky will be able to create just by singing, and will be buried up to his floppy ears in suffocating sugary goodness. Lucky will proceed safely to Kelloggs City, where some meddling kids (tm) will snatch his new cereal and get the credit for it, leading to reprisals from the Count, Frankenbery, et al... but that's another story.

- Field Marshal J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.,
http://www.sayersnet.com/~dusty/


Have you ever noticed that the number of colors in a cereal is an increasing function of time? Trix used to have what, three colors? Now it has five. I can't even begin to keep track of how many marshmallow "treasures" are in Lucky Charms these days. Now there are two kinds of Crunchberries, multicolored Rice Krispies, and more. Even Cherrios are effected - have you seen the packs with normal, honey nut, and frosted all in the same box? It's a crime against nature. I think even the chocolate cereals are going to succumb soon - I can just see Cocoa Puffs(tm) with NEW! White Chocolate Chunks(tm)!

And that's another thing - there is shape inflation too. Trix used to be round. Now they are in these strange lumpy shapes that I think are supposed to resemble fruit. If I'm going to have roof of my mouth ground off, I'd rather have it be done uniformly.

- Omni


Lucky got this one in the bag. Lets looks at the cereal itself. Trix got little round balls of various colors, best you can do is throw them like rocks. Lucky charms got various assorted marshmellow shaped weapons of mass destruction and utility. Every commercial Lucky uses his cereal in some ingenious way, something that would make McGyver blush.

Lucky would approach Trix on his red balloon. He'd throw the blue diamond like a throwing star at the rabbit, wounding him. Trix would sling his cereal back, which Lucky would block with his red heart. Lucky would come in then next with a slash from the yellow moon scyth-like weapon. Then move in for the kill by clubbing the rabbit with the green clover like a baby harp seal.

- Wired on to much sugar cereal


Neither of these animated losers have a chance.

We're talking a cereal that's 200 percent sugar: surreal high technology.
We're talking espionage, dirty tricks, and trade secrets.
We're talking incredible market share and unbelievable wealth to the victor.

In short, we're talking about the realm of the one, the only:
William Wonka.

Wonka secret agents have tailed Lucky since he left the Chocula labs. They've just been looking for an opportunity. When Trix and Lucky start fighting, a Wonka ninja sneaks into the fray, grabs the box, and vanishes into the smoky air. The cereal is never released, but it is heavily analyzed and the technology involved is used to create the Willy Wonka Hyper-Glob.

- Denis "mmmm... sugar" Moskowitz


What is being blatantly overlooked here: The Sugar Bear factor.
Let's not forget the Sugar Bear is by far *the* coolest cereal pitch man since Mickey Mantle said "I want my Maypo." The Leprechaun may be smarter, luckier, saner. It doesn't matter. As long as the Rabbit is backed by Sugar Bear, it's no contest. "It's got the crunch with punch"

- Butch


Steve, how in the name of inanity can you support a RABBIT over a LEPRACHAUN?! Firstly, Lucky has the entire invisible world of Faerie to aid him in his task. Sure, he doesn't use it to drive off the kids, but how do you think that pot of gold stays full, eh? How many royalties would you think he'd get if every time some wide-eyed child makes a good-natured tease and reaches for his cereal Lucky summons a demon that promptly eats the child's face? The rabbit has only a five-foot stride and a coffer of moth-eaten disguises that a master sorceror such as Lucky can easily penetrate.

Secondly, i'm afraid that Barney does, in fact, bamboozle Fred out of his cereal EVERY time in EVERY Fruity Pebbles commercial. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Trix was sitting on a upturned bucket drowning his miseries in gin while Barney, Tony, and that goddam Frog were pounding their chests in the knowledge that they are studly enough to have their cereal and eat it, too.

Not only will Trix lose the race, he will pay for his insolence by being vaporized and his soul stolen to be tormented for eternity by whatever dark powers Lucky chooses to conjure up. Count Chocula shall addict millions of children to his new product, and Sugar Bear and his allies will be forced to go underground and fade into obscurity.

- Telperion


"Silly Rabbit," Lucky says before giving Trix a right hook. Trix Rabbit doesn't stand a chance.

Sugar Bear, just like any other bad guy (tm) we see in movies and TV, will then be forced to send in his other men from weakest to strongest until he is forced, to face Lucky himself. Of course I doubt Lucky would survive much farther beyond Tony the Tiger.

- Corn Flake


Let's look at the Rabbit's commercials. The kids have cereal that the Rabbit wants. He concocts a lame plan and tries to steal it from them, but it fails. But why does it fail? That turns out to be the key question and, fortunately, we don't have to guess; the kids say it in every commercial: "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids." Read that again. Silly Rabbit, TRIX are for kids. He loses in his commercials, not because he's a bumbling fool, but because it is impossible for a rabbit to get Trix from a kid. You could replace the Trix Rabbit with Buggs Bunny and the cartoon kids with Webster and the result would still be the same. Kids have Trix, rabbit has nothing.

And there you have it. Nobody goes around saying "Lucky Charms are for kids." There is no evidence that Lucky's problems result from anything other than his own incompitence. There is, however, every sign that the Rabbit's problems are directly related to Trix. Since no Trix are involved in this contest, the Rabbit should have no problem liberating the experimental cereal from the bumbling Lucky.

- Greg


Neither contestant is capable of a victory here. The only possible outcome is third party interference. I submit that Sugar Bear and Count Chocula are equally inept, as proven by their choice of champions, so they will have no bearing on the outcome. In order to scope out the situation we have to look at the big picture. Sugar is despised by the do-gooder, we-know-what's-best-for-you crowd. The people that have been telling us for years that you can't smoke, can't eat bacon, can't eat eggs, can't have sex with your cousin, etc. will go absolutely livid when news of a 200% sugar cereal leaks out. Bouyed by the recent victories over tobacco and semi-recent success in forcing everyone to wear a condom and wait five days to buy a gun, these people will quickly form an efficient plan of attack to take out both Lucky and Trix and take the cereal. They will then have the cereal declared a carcinogen and power up a five-prong media blitz culminating in horror stories on Oprah with children that have eaten it and been horribly transformed. This will prove their undoing, however. Once children get wind of a 200% sugar cereal they will immediately, without remorse, without regret, and without pity, take up THE WHINE that will drive their baby-boomer parents into THE RAGE. Parents all across the world will unite in their unending quest to secure the cereal and have it declared wholesome, patriotic and possibly blessed by the church. The do-gooders have no chance of standing up to this assault and will step aside with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Remember how the do-gooders tried to ban the Power Rangers? They got greased. This will be worse as children get tired of certain kinds of entertainment but they have to eat everyday. The cereal will be on their minds every day until they have it. The do-gooders will get out of the way or be pulped. I WARNED YE! DON'T SAY I DIDNA WARN YE!

- Willy


The actual winner though will be the Power Colon Cereal Cartel (TM). Made up of Grape Nuts, Shredded Wheat, Brand Chunks and all the other tasty wood flavored cereal products. Considering the only thing that they enjoy as much as torturing people is working out, they are going to kick some major ass in the Cereal Showdown of the Century (TM). Once they have destroyed all of the wonderful cereals of childhod (ie any of the ones that taste good) thye will kick back, laugh evil laughs, and gloat in their final destruction of any enjoyment associated with breakfast cereal. wahahahahahahaha

- The All Knowing All Seeing BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The truth of the matter is that the FDA won't approve the Secret Forumla(tm) anyway, and they'll more than likely send a troop of Men In Black (the originals, not the cutesy movie types) to abduct the talking rabbit and tiny green man for study and cloning. It's all part of the Shadow Government plot -- I saw it on that TV news magazine show, the X-Files.

- a TRUE journalist


Come on, guys! If you've ever seen any of the Lucky Charms OR Trix ads, you know who always get the cereal: kids.

These kids have put both Lucky and the Trix rabbit in serious therapy. Lucky turns into one of those abused wives from sally Jesse Raphael when the kids show up. As soon as the children show, he immediately tries a desprate escape plan, involving the extent of his magical abilities and usualy some marshmellow shape which will be added to the cereal later. But the children always defeat the diminuitive Irishman, and then proceed to mug him. Lucky's problem shows up when, mere seconds later, he forgets that the children just stole his only worthwhile possession, and congratulates the children for not resisting their primitive instincts of pillaging.

The Trix rabbit, however, is trying to do what Lucky has dreamed about but never hads the cahones to try: stealing back from the kids. Every commercial he plans an elaborate disguise, in order to get a bite of colored mush. And except for the democratic election ads, (his disguise as a Republican works then) he always fails in his quest. He's getting the Wile E. Coyote success ratio, and subsequent drinking problem.

The kids rule the cereal world. They harass and pester all cartoon characters, robbing them of their dignity as well as their breakfast. And what do the cartoons do? They put little prizes in the cereal boxes, making themselves more enticing to the punks. They will never learn.

- Kilgore Trout


Neither the leprechaun nor the rabbit have any chance of holding onto this new cereal for an instant. I predict that a little-known but well-respected acquaintance of Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Booberry -- namely, the ominous Fruit Brute -- will walk away with the prize. And probably attach his semi-famous (in certain circles -- probably those same circles where Dalek and Frodo are household words) visage to the new cereal, making off with whatever profits are to be had.

- A Librarian in Philadelphia


While Lucky may have been an appropriate name at one point, clearly it is no longer suitable. Lucky charms use to contain delectable little morsels of teeth rotting goodness, that took the forms of actual good luck charms, i.e. horse shoes, four leaf clovers, etc. But if you have examined a box recently you will find marshmallows that are shaped like balloons and other non-lucky items. Who the hell ever heard of a lucky balloon. What all of this means is that the luck has become diluted over the years. I'll take the rabbit's feet even in a non dismembered state over watered down luck any day.

- J.Murray


Even though I'd like to see the Trix Rabbit get the cereal for once, I'm going to have to go with Lucky on this one. I immediately recognized Trix's advantages, but when I thought about it some more, it became evident that it was not meant to be.

Let's go over the Trix Rabbit's possible advatages:
1. Lucky has got to be getting up there in years: we know he's got to be, what, at least a few hundred years old by now, as governed by the Theorem of Leprechaun Aging (tm) which says that no leprechaun can be less than 100 years old. (As an aside: who the hell cast him in these stupid kids' commercials anyway-- he looks like he's just about as likely to be able to relate to these pre-pubescent kids as Luke "receding hairline" Perry was ever a convincing high school student. Maybe a more appropriate name would be "MethuseLucky".) Despite this, we all know rabbits only live a few years, so Trix has got to be at the end of his (key)chain, too, and I think he's really worn out, even though he puts up that facade of youthful optimism for 30 seconds in all those commercials.
Edge: Lucky. They're both geezers, so Lucky's wisdom and experience (a hundred times more years than Trix) gives him the advantage.

2. Trix has, in fact, gotten his hands on the cereal a few times-- it's only when he wants to eat it when his luck runs out. So let's say Trix manages to sneak up behind Lucky and grab that box from him. Now what happens is Trix, betraying his true nature as a large rodent, leaves a trail of those damn rabbit droppings all over the place as he's trying to hop away, and it's all but elementary for Lucky to find him again.
Edge: Lucky, as long as he doesn't stop while chasing Trix and try to put the rabbit droppings in Lucky Charms and pass them off as a new marshmallow shape.

3. You forget Trix's allies Buster and Babs Bunny. Any rabbits who can dress up in fancy clothes and thus trick a multi-millionaire named Monty into destroying his own estate with a variety of destructive forces of nature have to be considered a force to reckon with. The problem with this, though, is that Buster and Babs are kids, and they will be immediately hypnotized with charm when they see Lucky the leprechaun, rendered as useless as that spoon/fork thing at KFC.
Edge: Lucky, as long as he gets to Kellogg's City within the next few years, by which time Buster and Babs would be old enough to know that Lucky is their enemy, and not just some cute sprite in the forest. But if this did happen, Trix would have died of old age anyway, so it is a moot point.

There you have it. Lucky delivers the goods.

P.S. As a result of this, Trix actually starts eating healthy cereal, and lives long enough to dance on Lucky's grave.

- Al Fansome


This one comes out as a draw.

Trix spots Lucky prancing down the path, all ready to spring his ambush, when a group of Meddling Kids(tm) wanders in between them. On one side you've got an Irish midget who's watched his cereal get ripped off time after time by a bunch of sugar-addled 8 year olds twice his size. On the other you clearly have the result of a rabbit growth-hormone experiment gone horribly wrong driven insane by the chant of "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Lucky and Trix exchange a quick glance. The ensuing bloodbath puts last week's Freddy vs Jason match to shame.

- Steve Lee


If Trix was of sound mind he would use his incredible disguise skills (remember the "Got Milk?" ad?) to impersonate Cornelius, the Kellogg Rooster, thereby tricking the cereal away from Lucky. But this little bunny is non compis mentis (Latin for "nutty as a fruitcake") and is constantly on the verge of a psychotic episode.

Trix is a member of a species that has an unbelievable reproduction instinct, yet we never see him give even a thought to the opposite sex. Also, we see no consuming need for power, no materialistic excess, no religious, patriotic or familial devotion- only a drive so strong that he has forsaken his real name (Hyman Lepusovski) for it. Lucky is in it up to his bowler brim, boys and girls. If he's smart, he'll give the cereal up before you can say "Erin Go Bragh." If not...

Knowing that this new and crunchy ambrosia will be even more wonderful than the one he's craved all these years, Trix will lose the tissue paper layer of self-restraint that has kept him from killing all those selfish rugrats over the years and THE RAGE ô will go into full effect. The tallboy can of whoopin' deep in the furry death machine's soul will open, and he'll beat Lucky into corned beef with his prehensile ears and massively powerful feet. This scene of unbelievable carnage will include appropriate cartoon sound effects (BOPPITTY BOPPITTY BOPPITTY BOPPITTY BOPPITTY) but will never appear on Saturday morning TV, since it will make Night of the Lepus look like an episode of Barney.

There is only one hope for Lucky. If he can borrow the Kellogg's stock car, he might just be able to complete his mission before Trix can get to him. But even good old Detroit rolling iron travelling at insane speeds might not be enough. As the Knights of the Round Table can tell you, there's nothing much worse in this world than a psychotic rabbit.

- Silverback- "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


First, we have 2 things at work pointing to a Lucky victory (besides the mob ties) With the Greedy Kids, Lucky never tries. He could turn them all into horseshoes or some sort of crap if he wanted to, but he's just toying with the kids. He can always make more Luck Charms, after all. Second, its the Trix Rabbit's ears that always foil his plans. I predict that if the Trix Rabbit loses, it will be his final loss. The reason? Sugar bear will slice off an ear, a la Resivoir dogs. No ears, no more failures. It will be too late for him to stop Lucky, though.

- Rick


As Lucky rounds the bend, he feels that old apprehension... A tingle down his spine.. Yes behind him.. its the Scheming Kids(tm)!! Panicked , he runs behind a tree in the middle of a meadow, only to see that accursed rabbit already there. Both goggle at each other for a second, Lucky clutching the box... The Trix rabbit, grabs at it convulsively.. but it is too late, for the Meddling Kids(Tm) have arrived...

Both groups of kids line up on opposite sides of the field, eyeing each other, Lucky and the Rabbit shivering in the middle, trapped, and in trouble, Both groups of kids are used to getting what they want, but the final touch is the ceareal itself, Its 200% perecent sugar radiating a powerful Sugar Rush Field (Tm). Enraged, Buzzed, and in dire need of the cereal, both lines of kids charge at each other with a bloodlust, tearing each other and unfortuanately, the two cartoon characters, into shreds. Nobody Wins.

- Matty Regan


Lucky's Irish. Irishmen know how to fight, and fight dirty. Lucky, being Irish, will have also probably downed two or three fifths of Bushmill's Irish Whiskey before this fight. Maybe even six pints of Guinness. And a drunken Irishman is a righteous terror in a fight.

Trix Rabbit is a rabbit. Rabbits know how to evade predators, sure. But, there's always one predator that can catch that rabbit. Usually, it's a hawk, an owl, or a wolf. But this time... this time it's a drunken, God-fearing, one-two-punching, good Catholic lad named LUCKY...

Lucky will, of course, throw a proper wake for his departed foe, which allows him to drink even more and "get busy"(tm) with the women of Cereal Land(tm). Hmm... there ARE women in Cereal Land(tm), right? If not, Lucky's going to be worse than the Lord(TM) with a hangover on Judgment Day(TM)... and then breakfast will really suck in the mornings...

We'll be stuck with Grape-Nuts and Mueslix.

Who needs RAGE(tm) when you've got the power of Irish Liquor(TM) on your side? Lucky in 30 seconds, minimum amount of bloodshed. Just perfect for a commercial pandering to 8 year-olds during after-school cartoons.

- Ex-Raven


The Trix Rabbit wins, hands (paws?) down...

Look, this white fluffy thing has been chasing cereal for YEARS only to be FOREVER DENIED it! We're talking an obsession that make Mulder of the X-Files look sane and rational. We're talking 20 year smoker taunted and denied cigarettes level here. We're talking RAGE. (We're also talking about talking rabbits and leprechans, but ignore that!)

Lucky. The man (creature?) has had cereal for YEARS. He has it all the time, and is less than skillful in holding on to it. Tis better to have had cereal and lost it, than never to have had cereal at all. Lucky's greater cereal experience is only a handicap, and the ultimate cereal, the Holy Sugar-and-Wheat-product-artificially-colored Grail is in the hands of the Rabbit.

Of course, this never happens. The kids steal the cereal from Lucky, Trix Rabbit steals the cereal from the kids, who steal it back, open the box, consume, and are instantly destroyed from sugar overload. (What, you thought they would test this stuff on animals first? Silly (Lab) Rabbit, Trix are for kids.)

- Jeremy Leon


Technically, the Trix Rabbit wins. In every commercial with the Trix Rabbit he always gets the cereal for a few seconds. Takes a bite, freaks out,and then gets the cerial taken away from. Then, of course, Lucky takes the cereal back, tells him (in his best Irish accent), "sill'ey littil bunn'ey, this cerial's fer keeds." And then Lucky's IRA poacher freinds come and take care of the Trix Rabbit. So technically, the Trix Rabbit wins although he paid the ultimate price. Lucky can go back to setting up dummy corporations for the Irish Republican Army like Lucky Charms and Irish Spring Soap.

- Matthew Roffman (the iconoclast noncomformist guy)


Brian, my boy, I see that today I am going to have to teach you a few lessons about the Irish people.

Lesson 1-Irish names mean nothing. Erie, the original name for Ireland, means peace in the Gaelic language. The Irish named their country peace, but obviously it did not prevent Ireland from becomming one of the most strife ridden countries in history. By the same token Lucky may be named Lucky, but given his Irish blood, if anything this probably suggest that he is extremly unlucky, which leads us to our next point.

Lesson 2-The Irish people have NO luck or at least no good luck. Yeah, you hear about the luck of the Irish, but look at history, what has Ireland got? Infested with Catholicism, conquered by the English, that unfortunate period of potato crop blight, just one tragedy after another. Don't get me wrong, I'm of Irish ancestory myself, and I love the Irish people but and lets be brutally honest here, they are born losers. Just by nature of being Irish, Lucky will find some way to grasp defeat from the jaws of victory.

Lesson 3-Irish mobs suck. It doesn't matter if Lucky has mob ties or not, it will be an Irish mob, and thus by definition it is doomed to failure. Again, look to history, the Irish gangs were crushed or absorbed by the Mafia, right around the time of Prohibition when you could finally really make money in organized crime. Refer to Lesson 2 to see why this happened.

Lucky may outclass the Trix rabbit in almost every category, but his ancestory will spell his doom. The Trix rabbit (who for the record is pretty good at stealing Trix, he just never gets around to actually eating it), will just have to lure Lucky into some tavern somewhere, and get him to sing a song or two about those bloody English bastards. Once you get a proper Irishman into a bar, get a few shots of Irish whiskey into him, and have him singing, anyone, even the Trix Rabbit, should be able to get the cereal.

- Brendan W. Guy


Steve, have you ever even WATCHED a Fruity Pebbles(tm) commercial? Barney is always able to EASILY get the cereal from Fred, who then chases after him like a bumbling idiot for eternity. This only proves further Trix's ineptitude at getting cereal.

- Snazzz


When the dust clears, the winner will doubtlessly be Lucky, for the same reason that the result will be futile anyway. You see, Count Chocula has overlooked one factor vital to a children's cereal- the free toy (tm). When Sugar Bear realizes this, he will call back the Trix Rabbit, who subsequently, like Lucky, cannot hold on to his belongings when he goes past the bad neighborhood of General Mills. Cookie Cop says he can't do anything until the Rabbit files the proper paperwork, but in reality he's crooked, under the payroll of King Vitamin, who controls the mob that Lucky has ties to. Chip tries to help him (apparently he's the good guy in the commercials now), but he is caught and put to sleep by Sir Puffs-A-Lot (I do believe that this either is or was a real cereal).

When Lucky reaches Kelloggs City, he will proudly in the name of his supernatural controller (Yes, that's right, Lucky is a vampire under the Count's control!), and the citizenry will ask him the ever-important question: "What comes in the box?". When he says that there is no free prize inside the box, the crowd will laugh at him and rush the poor midget. The King does nothing to hide his own mob ties (tm). The villagers catch Lucky, and according to the rules (tm), he must give them 3 wishes. As a result, Kenny G and Michael Bolton disappear from the face of the Earth, and Hanson is subjected to a torturous cacophony of their own music along with that of Mssrs. Bolton and G, plus Aaron Neville and the late John Denver. The sound is so utterly horrible that a hole in the fabric of reality is created, bringing to Earth something that man never thought existed- yes, it brings forth STEVEN SEAGAL'S ACTING TALENT!!!!!! Sorry, I just had to find a reason to throw that in.

Anyway, the angry mob of villagers (tm) rushes the castle with the requisite torches and pitchforks which, according to Union rules (tm), every angry mob must have. The Ghostbusters insist on going in first so that they can eliminate the Count (hey, they had a cereal at one point). Of course, they wait until daytime (the torches are still burning, though- gotta love that Union) and they make short work of both Chocula and Boo Berry. Unfortunately, they find out that their gorilla companion from one of their cartoons is gay, and he runs off with Donkey Kong, whom the villagers free from the requisite castle dungeon.

Later, King Vitamin finds Lucky wearing a leather outfit in the basement of some redneck's shop. I won't get into what the King was doing there because that's just between me and him. I like my new sword...

- Nick Zachariasen, www.students.dsu.edu/zacharin


I would get a great deal of enjoyment by going to work on either one of these blundering idiots with a car battery and a bucket of water. However, I always rooted for Trix(tm) because I hated those damn cartoon kids. You're telling me that over all those years that rabbit couldn't walk away once without falling on his ass and exposing his ears? How about a little duct tape? As for Lucky, never in history has someone failed to live up to his name in such a manner, except perhaps the Notre Dame(tm) football team this season.

- The Commissioner of Debauchery


A lifetime of watching kids cereal commercials has taught me one thing. The real rulers of cereal land are the kids who eat the cereal. The success or failure of a cereal character depends on that character's willingness to give said cereal to the kids in tribute. The more willing you are, the more you increase in rank. Toucan sam is kind of helpful, so he's allowed to rule the trees of the jungle. Tony the tiger is helpful and gives advice to kids, so he rules the rest of the jungle. Cap'n crunch defends Cereal land and the Kid/dictators aginst the soggies, so he is cap'n of the cereal land navy. The two highest ranking individuals are the ones who actually affect outside forces in favour of the kids' breakfasts. Cookie cop stops the cookie crook from stealing cereal, so he is the cheif of the corrupt cerealland police dept., and Sugar bear actually saves the kids and breakfast using his evil powers. Therefore, he is allowed full reign over cereal land. The trix rabbit however, is a different story. He is constantly denied cereal from his true masters, the meddling kids, and must be going crazy with malnutrition. He IS the trix rabbit. Therefore, it follows that he can survive only on trix, which is dispensed by his evil overlords once every few years in contest form. Lucky however is in control of his cereal. He is obviously part of the rebellion against these evil overlords, because he tries to hide the cereal from them. In the fight, he manages to explain how the system really works (ala Flash Gordon and prince Baron), and gives the trix rabbit class consiousness, alerting him to his oppressed condition. The rabbit then realizes that he is a pawn in the sugar bear's evil plan, and joins the Count's fight against the oppressors. They team up with the generic cereals that are forced to live in the ghetto, and elect King Vitamin as their leader. The collossal crunch gorilla kills tony the tiger and toucan sam and rules in the jungle. And the count becomes the ambassador to toyland, after slaying the evil sugar bear and helping to banish the kids. In the end, lucky and the Trix rabbit have a rocky III style sparring match, and it is draw. The Rabbit gets a lifetime supply of trix, and the leprechaun keeps his charms, and they become best freinds. The cereal is sold and cereal land experiances a new golden age

- confunkcious


1. Careful TV watchers will remember that while Lucky has never, never, ever succeeded in actually eluding the children, the Trix rabbit did indeed get his hands on at least one box of Trix. I refer to the great "Election" promotion in which, during an election year, the Trix box contained a ballot for voting whether the Rabbit should get some Trix. He won, got the box, promptly ate it all and wound up Trixless again. Pitiful behavior for an elected official, true, but he has at least succeeded once, unlike Lucky.

2. Lucky, after a feeble, pathetic effort to hoard his cereal, ultimately accepts his situation once the children get it away from him - he even sings them a song while they eat!!! Has he ever snatched it off the table, turned the children into toads, etc.? No. The Trix rabbit, however, is relentless - after every failed attempt he is still scheming, still hoping - sometimes he uses those long arms to make a final futile swipe at the box after his plan has failed. Folks, Trix has passion and Lucky just doesn't care.

3. Lucky is always foiled in his efforts to guard his cereal by his own careless magic. He makes a magic cave, but he's scared away by bears. He makes a magic hang glider and crashes into a tree. And so on.

4. The Trix rabbit, meanwhile, plans some elaborate ruse that involves clever costumes, quit often in drag. He then GETS the Trix, and is so elated he sings the Trix song, which, in my day, before the bastardization of adding other flavors, went: Trix, Trix! In raspberry red!! Lemon yellow!! Orange orange!! Wheeee! Now, this is a very poor song: no rhymes, no decipherable meter, and the redundant phrase "orange orange". But that is beside the point. AFTER singing the Trix song, on "WHEE!!", he erupts into a spasm of Trix Exuberance (TM) and loses his costume, at which point he loses the Trix. Now, in the scenario proposed, he will get a cereal he knows very little about. We have no reason to believe the Rabbit has any skill as an improvisational composer, so there will be no singing, and therefore no plan-foiling loss-of-disguise.

I find this last argument so compelling I think you should disqualify all votes for Lucky as being flat-out ignorant.

- Doug


Let's write off those damn meddling kids (tm). Goodness knows you can't have a decent commercial without the little buggers showing up from whatever King of Pop's house to ruin the fun.

We all know that Lucky and Trix hate the freaking snots. They may be able to humiliate our friends separately, but, together, the lagamorph and the leprechaun write a different ending to this little saga. Lucky uses his magic to suspend the kicking, screaming children in the air whilst Trixie slowly nibbles their toes off, one by one. Lucky then uses his magic to turn them upside down and slam them headfirst into huge, noxious piles of rabbit pellets newly spread upon the ground. Finally, the dazed, partially conscious little maggots are buried up their necks in hills of fire ants while the rabbit takes running jump kicks at their pitiful little faces. Lucky holds his glowing cereal box aloft and proudly declares, "Just troi and get 'em, ye wee little bastards," before hitting them full force with a blast of head exploding magic. Don't tell me for an instant they didn't deserve every stinking, agonizing bit of it.

- Jason "Unhand that McNugget!"


I donít care how much of a bumbling idiot Lucky is, Count Chocula just gave him a super-charged 200% sugar cereal with the instructions "Donít eat." Heíll do what anybody with those instructions would do: pop the top and munch a few handfuls. Have you ever seen what this stuff does to kids? Itís like Taz on steroids. I donít know if the cereal ever makes it to its destination, but Iím pretty sure the Trix Rabbit dies.

- MattMan


I can't believe you're ignoring the evidence right before your eyes. Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Lucky are all General Mills cereal characters. The Trix Rabbit, supposedly Lucky's arch-enemy, is also General Mills, but gets his marching orders from Sugar Bear, a Post character. What can all this mean?

Well, consider where Lucky is going: Kellogg's City. A tactical slip on the Count's part, but it won't matter. Kellogg's agents will see Lucky's approach, and the tussle between him and Trix. It won't matter who wins, because Tony the Tiger will maul them both and carry the secret formula back to HQ -- just as the Count and his henchman intended.

I mean, be serious. Cereal with 200% sugar? Forget hyperactivity. This stuff will pull a "Scanners" on every kid in America! And who will get the blame for this string of cerebral detonations in kitchens from sea to shining sea? Kellogg's! With this competition out of the way, Count Chocula and Sugar Bear will tighten their collusive stranglehold on the breakfast market. The conspiracy lives on ...

- Call me Shane, the Bran-Flakes-Smoking Man


Looking at the totals, it seems my voting for Trix is fultile. But nevertheless, I have have voted for the better competitor.

The basis of my decision is that Trix HAS gotten the cereal after which he was named once, while pretending to be a motorcyle cop. this means several things.

1. He has succeeded in attaining his goal which is: getting the cereal into his mouth. To be fair, there have been times that the kids haven't gotten Lucky's "Charms" but they weren't trying to get them in the first place.

2. He does not stop scheming. Dressing up as a police officer is pure genius. Pulling Lucky over and confisticating the Frankenberry cereal would probably work on the naive and probably drunk leprechaun (after all, he IS an Irishman).

3. He had success only long enough to ramble down his list of "lemony yellow, grapity purple, raspberry red, orangey orange, lime green," etc. But his brief taste of success left him wanting more, putting the Second Helping Factor (tm) into his hands. Lucky has had plenty of success over the years. His success has made him soft, and he does not have the drive to succeed again.

Finally, Trix is extremely JEALOUS. The two of them work for the same company, General Mills (tm). Seeing his coworker wallow in success while he always failed, Trix has been building up the RAGE (tm). And it's all focused on (UN)Lucky. If his cop trick doesn't get the intoxicated elf, then his fists will. Trix is closely realted to that rabbit from Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and knows how to kick some a$$. The only thing that was holding him back from the kids were the producers. But unfortunately for the Leprechaun, there ain't no producers in the middle of THIS forest.

- Seamus the Irate Leprechaun


Finally, a match that takes some serious thought to decide an outcome. That said, it's going to be the Trix Rabbit. Why? Simple.

Trix are for kids (tm). Lucky Charms, this new experimental cereal, and really anything else are not bound by such stipulations. Let's face it the folks at Trix must be morons denying their potentially biggest customer what he wants. The Count, on the other hand, is one of the shrewd ones.

My point is, the Rabbit won't even need to take the cereal from Lucky. Those dang kids'll do the job. Lucky, for all his unearthly powers, can't ever escape them. Usually all he ever winds up doing is creating new marshmallow shapes or switching the colors.

Now once the kids grab his cereal, the Trix Rabbit can step in. He puts on his best ever disguise (Bugs Bunny, as some of you may recall) and the kids are happy to let him have some. He takes the whole box, runs off, and the kids can't do a blessed thing. Why? Because this cereal isn't just for kids.

Of course, a few days later Barney Rubble steals it from him, but the moral victor is still the Silly Rabbit

- Mike Smith


We now pick up as Lucky has the super-secret sugar saturated cereal in his hands:

He's frolicking away through the clover and woods singing away. A rainbow is overhead, the sun is shining, the birds are singing...
But, unknown to him, Sugar Bear's evil minion, Trix, is in wait lurking behind a tree...
Lucky, singing like a smurf, skips around a bend in the trail...
The rabbit pounces...
Fur flies...clover is stained red with blood...the smell of blood attracts a predator, one with yellow eyes, sharp claws, pointy teeth...it jumps... Cereal flies everywhere, the newcomer is not interested in sugar...

"Hey, what are you doing to my Chocolate Sugar Bombs, you stupid tiger!" Calvin screams.

"You neglected to bring me my tuna fish sandwich," Hobbes purrs chomping on the remains of the stuffed rabbit and former rival.

[200% sugar cereal? It MUST be something Calvin invented.]

- Eugenia


Take a look at Trix. It is actually multicolored rabbit crap (TM). The reason Trix is always kept away from the rabbit is because a rabbit eating its own multicolored rabbit crap (TM) would be just plain sick. The rabbit is not involved in any way in the making of other cereals (thankfully). Therefore there is nothing preventing the rabbit from obtaining other cereals. End of story.

- Chris Maune


if you have ever seen monty python's search for the holy grail, you know that bunnies are not the pleasant herbivores we have been lead to believe they are. just one rabbit wiped out half of the knights of the round table. and while king arthur was ultimately victorious, he only won by calling upon the powers of the holy hand grenade.

now brian argues that lucky has magical powers, and therefore has the advantage. let me just tell you, i spent my entire first two decades watching saturday morning cartoons and after school specials and i saw lucky the leprechan conjure up a lot of things -- pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, hell, even blue diamonds -- but i never, ever, saw him conjure up a drab, olive-green, M34 fragmentation grenade.

trix will deliver the cereal and dine on the minty-fresh smelling, irish spring bathed, freshly decapitated corpse of lucky the leprichan (part of this complete nutritious breakfast).

- jeff


Lucky has for at least one commercial in his lifetime been able to keep ahold of his cereal -- do we all remember the shock of the infamous "purple horse shoe" commercial where Lucky is in the barn and contemplated the creation of a new marshmellow shape? He succeeded in hiding from the kids until the next commercial when the stupid horse kicked him and his cereal with it's new shape into the waiting arms of the kids.

- Andy


We believe that Trix(tm) would take this one easily, since he ALWAYS GETS the cereal in each commercial but messes up. But if you remember the "Got Milk(tm)" commercial, he DID make off with the cereal and made it all the way home, though he shoulda remembered the milk at the market when he was out. Lucky NEVER keeps the cereal and the "meddling kids(tm)" always snag it.

- Vinnie & Eric


Lucky easy. Why? Well, let's take a look at employers and lineages.

Sugar Bear: Likely related to Smokey T., Yogi, and the polar bear from Chilly Willy. (The Sugar Bear organization in 'Cowboy Feng's Space Bar and Grill' doesn't count because there was no actual bear.)

Count Chocula: Dracula, lots of Draculas.

Trix is working for someone with a family history of screwing up, or being too nice to do anything but tell people not to start fires. Sugar Bear might be slightly cool, but nothing approaching Mentos(tm) level, not to mention McClane(tm)level which DOES surpass Mentos(tm) level.

While Trix might be armed with some honey for the obvious sticky-trick uses, Lucky has a number of factors going for him. The primary one being that he's most likely a blood-bound ghoul to Count Chocula, and therefore able to burn off blood points in order to boost his stats to the point where he'll make Trix wish he'd done a cameo in 'Fatal Attraction' instead of this raid.

- Datsun Q. Wanderer


Lucky, in a nutshell, is a pushover. At the rate he gives up the item he is keeping, it's amazing he is still considered a guardian of a stupid bowl of cereal. Sure, he's got magic, but the only thing he's done is make it rain marshmallows and colors of the rainbow. So flippin' what. He has proven weaknesses in the area of children, commerical cartoon villians, and alcohol (but let's not get into that last one and stay on topic).

The Trix Bunny has what it takes to win (finally): motivation, determination, and devotion. Time and time again, he has had the object of desire taken away from him, yet he still continues. He tries disguises and other cons to win, but alas, falls short. He hangs in there, and is a fighter. His devotion to the cereal can be seen in the blank brainwashed look he gets in the presence of it. He'd do ANYTHING to get it.

- Andy, the Monopoly King


In the jungle--the mighty jungle--Lucky is carrying the box of industrial strength cereal. His head on a swivel, he moves cautiously to avoid capture by General Mills Village spies or snotty little brats who spend more time trying to get HIS box of Lucky Charms than they do on math homework. Suddenly, there is a rustle in a nearby bush. Out hops the Trix Rabbit, ready to intercept the breakfast of the wired. Lucky and Trix square up to go into battle.

Lucky: You kin have me pot o' gold. Just do not take me delicious new cereal!
Trix Rabbit: Not on your life. Them darn kids never let me have any cereal. I'm starving, man!

As our two heroes begin to scuffle, they do not notice two strangers walk into the area. The strangers "laugh" at the combatants, then one of the strangers notices the box of cereal. Within seconds, the box and all of its 200% sugar have been devoured. An amazing transformation takes place.

"I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"
Butthead: Come on, dumb ass, we need to find the Maxi-Mart. Huh huh.
Cornholio: ARE YOU THREATENING ME? YOU CANNOT DEFEND YOURSELF FROM MY AMAZING BUNGHOLE! For you see, it moves in mysterious ways!
Butthead: Beavis, you couldn't fight your way out of the bathroom.
Cornholio: WHERE I COME FROM WE HAVE NO BATHROOMS! I come from Lake Titikaka.
Cornholio turns to face Lucky.
Cornholio: TAKE ME TO YOUR BUNGHOLE! I NEED MORE OF YOUR BREAKFAST NECTAR!
Butthead: Huh huh! He said neck. Huh huh!
Lucky: You're gonna be in big trouble for taking me cereal. I've got to take it to Kelloggs City.
Cornholio: MY BUNGHOLE HAS NO NEED FOR KELLOGGS! For you see, where I come from we have no need for breakfast. We only have need for bungholes. For we have no bungholes.
Lucky: You have left me no choice but to take you back to Count Chocula and he'll make you pay.
Cornholio: Perhaps HE will have more cereal for my bunghole.

With that, Lucky, Butt-head, and Cornholio buzz down to Count Chocula's castle wherein Cornholio kicks Lucky and the Count in the "nads." Once conquering the Count, Cornholio seizes control of the cereal machine and lives happily ever after on a sugar high.

- Mark Wentz


Consider a moment: two losers. Unable to gain success for themselves, they now are but lackeys for two some of the more influencial in the cereal world. However, they are pitted against each other, both knowing that, no matter the outcome, they both shall lose. Yet, a ray of sunlight and hope dawns upon these poor souls. They finally have an opportunity for glory, honor, and redemption. They look at each other, knowing that divided, they both will suffer yet again failure, but together, they can finally achieve success which have alluded them for so long. Then they both nod their heads solemnly, and say in unison:

"Hell, yeah! Screw the rest! We're taking the blasted box and goin' to make a run for the border!"

Despite their difference, Trix Rabbit and Lucky acknowledge that allies are needed in this world of cereal supremacy. In other words, their going to take the box on their own and make their own cereal and blow the competition out of the water! Forget Count Choco, and screw that Sugar pimp! These guys have it made! Once they do get to Kelloggs they will patent the stuff themselves, under a new name, forged by their new alliance: LUCKY TRIX

Hell, if I were treated like trash all my life, I would jump at the chance for power and glory. Besides, that's what those punks Count Choco-chump and Sugar Daddy-Bear get for letting losers doing their own job when they could have done it themselves. Yeah, since they were lazy, the two hardest working cereal characters (And you cannot say that Trixster and the Luck-meister are lazy despite their failures) got the goods, and now will get the money...
...and with the money, comes power...
...and with the power, comes glory...
..and with the glory, comes the babes...

Hey, maybe those two will finally live up to their names...

- Spider Teo


Here's how I imagine it happening:

Lucky's on his jolly old way with the cereal box when (as is his wont) he decides he really must take a nap. During his nap, the Trix rabbit sneaks up on him and takes the box. This part is relatively easy for the rabbit, since he very rarely has problems getting the actual box. His troubles start when he actually tries to have a bowl of Trix (which, incidentally, he was able to have a taste approximately 20 years ago when I, along with fellow Trix eaters voted in a survey that the rabbit should be able to have a bowl of Trix. He was given exactly one spoonful.).

In any case the rabbit starts off with the box and appears to be succeeding. His inexplicable obsession with Trix allows him to resist the urge to taste the new cereal, but eventually he gives in to the urge and pulls out a toon table, cereal bowl, place mat, spoon, pitcher of milk, two slices of toast and a glass of orange juice and prepares for breakfast.

In the meantime, Lucky wakes up and realizes that he is missing something. His box of cereal has been taken! But what kind of cereal was it again? Lucky, being the dim-witted leprechaun he is, reverts to his standard behavior and looks for his "Lucky Charms".

Meanwhile, the rabbit has poured himself a bowl of the super-cereal, and is all ready to try it. He takes the milk and starts to pour it in the bowl. Since, however, no one had managed to concentrate so much sugar into one cereal before, the rabbit could not be blamed for not realizing the consequences of pouring milk onto them. The compressed sugar explodes, and a chain reaction commences with each piece of cereal exploding in turn. The net force is roughly equivalent to a WWII blockbuster (20 tons of TNT), which throws the rabbit roughly one thousand feet through the air and backwards. Being a toon, he is unhurt physically, but the psychological damage has been done. The cereal, of course, has been completely destroyed.

Eventually, Lucky actually finds a box of Lucky Charms and thinks all is well. Of course, he will suffer the wrath of Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and all of the various cereal undead for eternity for his failure to deliver the cereal. The Trix rabbit, however, spends the remainder of his days in a mental institution, suffering from shell shock and an extreme aversion to cereal of any kind, with the exception of Mueslix (tm).

In summary, therefore, the rabbit wins: the cereal has been destroyed and Count Chocula thwarted. The forces of Sugar Bear prevail in this conflict.

- James


On his way to Kellogg city Lucky will undoubtedly stop at most of the pubs he passes for a few pints(he is Irish after all). This will leave him in no shape to see through the disguises of Trix. When Lucky gets to the city the rabbit will be waiting dressed as a cereal company executive. Trix will then take the cereal from the less than fully fuctional leprechaun and be on his way back to Sugar Bear.

- Jessi


This could easily be the bloodiest match in WWWF history. (excluding Pee-Wee Herman vs. Gilligan of course) Why? Two words.

Sugar Rush.

You see, Sam and Max comics should teach us all a valuable lesson that when small, adorable fuzzy, creatures get stoned on sticky sweet sugar lumps, bad things result.

Lucky is running as fast as his stumpy legs can carry him when The Trix Rabit dives out of the bushes and floors Lucky with a flying tackle. One piece of the 200% sugar coated cereal finds its way into each combatant's mouth, and all hell breaks loose. Lucky quickly regains his feet, and reaches into the box of cereal to retrieve the secret weapon the Count had hidden for such an Emergency. Lucky pulls the Chainsaw out of the cereal, and screams

"Aye, me lad, I'm takin' YER 'Lucky Charms' and hangin the wee puppies from me rear-view-mirror!" (Incidently, Lucky drives a White Impala with hydrolics and the legend, "Kiss me, I'm an Irish Pimp" scrawled on the side)

The trix bunny unstraps his faithful Harpoon gun from his back and retorts; "Oh yeah, little man, I think it's time for me do see if Leprechaun blood is as green as the money I'm gonna get paid when I deliver your body back at HQ!"

However, the Trix Bunny's threats are all for naught, for Lucky quickly sees that he needs an edge, and devours the entire box of cereal. The Trix bunny tries to run when he sees the quaint little Irishman's pupil's dialate and his bloodvessels burst, but it's too late.

After the carnage, Lucky stands over his victim's body, coated in rabbit blood, he pants for a moment, then smiles in victory, however, he has broken the ancient pop-culture-icon code #6793-Q(tm) that says that a cereal icon cannot under any circumstances betray the consume r populace by eating an unfinished product.

Poor lucky is subsequently sentenced to execution by having his eyes-torn out, his liver removed, his kneecaps splintered, and his head nailed to a sheet of aluminum, then being forced to watch an "Andy Giffith Show" marathon until his mind snaps. (and we all know hoe painful THAT is!)

- I Pity the fool that don't eat my Cereal!


I'd definitely have to go with the Trix Rabbit on this one. First off, *Trix* are for kids, not necessarly any other cereal on the planet!! So the Curse of the Rabbit (Tm) would not apply to this new sucrotic opiate, and the rabbit would therefore be able to win. Furthermore, despite the fact that our long-eared friend is not without his oafish qualities, it must be pointed out that he has actually gotten his hands on a box of Trix from time to time. The problem is that once he gets the cereal, he starts freaking out that he finally got the Trix, and in the midst of his near-orgasmic soliloquy his ears pop out of whatever disguise he's wearing. Let me again say, this ain't Trix we're talking about here, and therefore he won't have the usual performance problems. Also, this brings up the point that he has good disguises, certainly good enough to fool a naive old-schooler like Lucky.

- "Erik"


[An excerpt from the controversial Captain Crunch autobiography Crunch Time]

These days, the question I get asked the most is about why I quit the cereal biz. Well, the answer is a simple one: the Holy Grail Cereal Massacre. After my two friends got iced, it was my wake-up call to get out.

You have to understand that I got into this business when it was still fairly clean. In the beginning, children cereal was innocent enough - oatmeal, corn flakes, shredded wheat - all healthy breakfast choices for growing children. But then came the sugar. No man with a conscience could sell this crap to children and most of the good people either left or were corrupted, like myself. That kind of depravity soon attracted organized crime. The Count and Sugar Bear had become the two big bosses and were in a constant struggle for control of the industry. That's why the Holy Grail cereal was so important. Whoever had control of that kind of sugar content could rule the market and wield tremendous power.

I was close to both victims and I knew all their dark secrets. Lucky was a marked man. He had joined the Irish Republican Army at a young age but became informer after he got caught. When the truth came out, he had to flee to America to save his own skin. Desperate, he turned to the Count and his criminal empire for protection. They took him in, changed his appearance and got him a nice cushy high-paying job. Then for insurance, they got him hooked on drugs. Getting more Sugar Smack became Lucky's only motivation in life. Of course the Count didn't sell it directly - he let BooBerry do that - but once you're hooked, you'll do anything for more. Lucky would do these errands once a month or so for the goods. He was so innocent looking and charismatic that no one, not even the cops, would question him. He was the perfect mule.

As for Trix, he was a nice guy, once. But what do you think a life of forced celibacy can do to a rabbit? Not having sex for decades can be tough on monks. The better part of the day they spend screwing but Trix couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a bunch of bananas. And hanging around at Roger's house with Jessica Rabbit - I shudder to think the frustration he was going through. His hormones where on total meltdown. That's why he went into television - he figured if he became a celebrity he could get some action. But no respecting woman would have anything to do with a moron who couldn't get cereal from a bunch of brats, even if he just played one on TV. That's how they recruited him - they promised him a week with Strawberry Shortcake if he delivered the goods. He would kill for less. He was the ideal enforcer.

What exactly happened that night is unclear though witnesses say the chase back and forth lasted most of the night. The next morning, both bullet-riddled bodies were found face down in a dark alley next to the box. According the sources, it seems both were trying to get to the Holy Grail for the hope that the cereal had some kind of magical healing powers or something. Maybe it could but we'll never know. Ironically, neither of them reached it - just like in real life. As for the cereal, it disintegrated. Chocula, like Dr. Frankenstein before him, had created a monster that could not survive. The supersaturated sugar formula couldn't survive contact with the air.

This marked the end of the sugar cereal racket. The Count was unable to handle the failure of his creation, went insane and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution. As for Sugar Bear, he disappeared soon afterwards. No one ever found the body though some reports place it under a blue section on the main road in Candyland.

No one was ever charged with any of the murders. The word on the street says it was Cookie Crook being paid by the Nutrasweet Cartel. It all makes sense - they took over breakfast cereal soon afterwards and made a bundle selling their Nutrasweet sweetened cereals. You really have to wonder if people think things out. People get health conscious and try to have their kids eat less sugar. So what do they do? Instead of just cutting back, they replace it with something artificial. Well, I guess they all got the message when the kids started getting those watermelon size brain tumors. Oh well.

As for me, I quit that very day and got a gig in Captain Kangaroo: the Animated Series. But that's another chapter...

- Paul Gooolba


While the Trix rabbit could never actually win directly, he may win by default because both the Trix rabbit and Lucky have a common and undefeatable enemy: Children.

As lucky heads for the Kellogs processing plant he wil easily be spotted by the children who will chase him down. Rather than doing the smart thing and making himself invisible Lucky will stupidly try to escape by an inappropriate mode of transportation. Probably producing a magical QEII before relizing it won't go very far without water. The kids will have the cereal before the Trix rabbit finishes reading his orders.

Oh, the Trix rabbit will certainly try to trick the children into giving him the cereal, probably showing up in a cheezy Mr. Kellogs outfit and asking them for the cereal. If the kids don't confuse him with Col. Sanders they may even hand him the cereal for a second, until the rabbit, overjoyed by his success, tosses his wig and fake beard into the air. Why he doesn't have the sense to run for it before celebrating is beyond me.

In the end Kellogs will never produce another box of the cereal, since the only prototype will be eaten, thus giving a victory by default to the Trix rabbit.

- Kurt


At first, it would seem that Lucky has the advantage, simply because he has magic powers (thereby negating that silly theory about Trix's height giving him victory). Now, one may say, "But Lucky's magic can't even defeat those stupid kids!" True, but Trix can't defeat them either, despite his many clever plans. It simply must be accepted that these snotty children are, alas, invincible.

All that having been said, there is one big reason Lucky cannot win. Like Trix, he always fails in his basic goal (keeping his cereal away), but never really feels bad about it. At the end of every commercial, he's singing and dancing along with the kids, sharing the Lucky Charms with them. Trix? God, that poor creature. He always comes so close, yet always ends up so far. Every one of his commercials is so depressing. I think he got to eat it ONCE, many years ago, from some mail-in vote. How cheap. Yes, none of us (except maybe Red Sox fans) can POSSIBLY relate to the pain and suffering this rabbit has endured for so many years, coming so agonizingly close to the one thing he's EVER asked for in life, too many times to count. Oh, to be but an inch away from the top of the mountain, only to be dragged back down into the depths of Hell's dark despair every time. I think you know what I'm getting at here. Trix has RAGE WITH A CAPITAL R-A-G-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAGE so huge it can easily defeat that Leprechaun's puny little childish magic in a second.

So, Trix shall win. And my friends, it's about fucking time.

- MR LEIGH M WILKES


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Orville Redenbacher v. Colonel Sanders
Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Forrest Gump v. Rainman

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