Mr. T "I pity da fool wid da slo link!"
World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Game Show Mania? What is Grudge Match? What is Game Show Mania?


Nipsey Russell Brett Somers Charles Nelson Reilly
Marcia Wallace Richard Dawson Betty White

The Scenario

Johnny Olsen: Frommmmm.... Television City in Hollywood, it's... Match Game '77, a Mark Goodson/Bill Todman™ production. And here is your host... Gene Rayburn! (applause)

Gene: Hello, everyone. Great to have you with us. Let's say hello to this week's stars: Nipsey Russell...

Nipsey: (unintelligible)

Studio Audience: (Laughter, applause)

Gene: That's right! Let's also welcome Betty White, the lovely Brett Somers, Richard Dawson...

Richard: (puts down cigarette) What's that, love?

Gene: All right, try to keep up here. Let's also welcome Marcia Wallace and, of course... Charles Nelson Reilly. (Charles sticks his tongue out at Gene). OK, let's introduce our two contestants. On the right, let me introduce to you, a songstress from right here in California. Her latest album is called "A Man and a Woman", ladies and gentlemen, Dionne Warwick! (applause). Now, Dionne, I understand that in addition to your singing career, you're also starting up your own business, and you've taken up French citizenship following the release of your album "Dionne in Paris".

Dionne: That's right, Gene. I'm starting up a psychic help line to assist white trash in making critical decisions over the phone. I'd tell you more about it, but it's $4.99 per minute!

Gene: Ho-kay! Let's meet your challenger, 17th century prophet, Nostradamus! (applause) So, what's shakin', Nostradamus?

Nostradamus: (in a trance) In the East, the dragon of seven heads will rise, and will challenge the Eagle's might! The sleeping Bear will awaken and the seas will run red with blood!

Gene: (looks askew at the camera) All right. You all know how to play the game. So let's get right to the first question. (pulls out card) Dumb Dora is so dumb...

Studio Audience: How dumb is she?

Gene: She's so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her BLANK!

So Joe, pick the psychic who properly prognosticates the points penned onto paper by the popular people.




Match Game Your host, Gene Rayburn


Match Game '77


Nostradamus
Nostradamus

vs.

Dionne Warwick
Dionne Warwick, Psychic Friends Network


The Commentary

Joe: Oh, like this is even close. Dionne is going to destroy Nostradamus. Ok, ok, so his predictions have come "true" centuries after he made those predictions, but is that going to help him anyway. Besides, any absurd rant can be validated as "true" by people hundreds of years later because its all a matter of tying symbols together. "One day a large bear will come out of the water and feast upon the remnants of a dwindling culture" could mean that 1000 years from now cannibalistic space aliens who look like bears with fins will destroy Earth or maybe it just means a fat guy will eat mexican food after getting out of the pool. Its all in the interpretation and since all of his "predictions" were that vague, people have just twisted his words to mean whatever they want them to. Is this going to help him in the Match Game?. Yeah, right.

Nostradamus: "O great demon will fly down and scoop up the bloody snake in his jaws and the rivers will run red with blood and lots of people will die."

Nipsey: "Um, I said "Spam".

Gene: "Judges?"

Dionne on the other hand has a ton of things going for her. First of all, she is an ACTUAL psychic. I called her once and she told me I would lose the Boba Fett vs. Predator match. I thought Ha! No way, no one could be dumb enough to vote for Boba Fett! He's an idiot. But I was wrong, and Dionne was right. Dionne is a star herself so she knows how all these so called "rich and famous" people think and even if she can't predict what Nipsey is thinking (few people can) she can use her powers to link with the rest of her psychic friends to help her out.

Dionne: "I said Spam, too!"

Gene: "Jesus, this is a rout, will you get one wrong already; I think Nostradamus is crying!"

Nostradamus: "I hate all of you! I'm going to go on The Price is Right and win lots of money! So there!"

JOHN: Joe, I read your commentary for the Fett-Predator match - let me tell you that there was no need to be a psychic to know that you were going to lose that one. Mind you, this was when you were still in the throes of your Tilex™ addiction - I think Golba replaced the voting script with a random number generator just to screw with your head.

In any event, this one goes to Nostradamus for a bunch of reasons. First, the N-Dawg, as he likes to be called, is truly a psychic, as opposed to Warwick. Dionne seemingly only answers calls from poor white women, and fearlessly predicts one of three things:

1. Brandine, your man be cheatin' on you!
2. Brandine, you be cheatin' on your man!
3. Brandine, you pregnant!

Of course, the probability of one to all three of these being correct in any trailer park setting approaches 1.0. Some psychic! Contrast this with Nostie's record - predicted the rise and fall of Napoleon: check. Predicted the rise of Hitler and WWII: check. Predicted the result of the OJ trial: check.

OK, so some of you out there will argue, as Joe does above, that since Nostradamus' predictions usually take the form of vague symbolism, anagrams and mythological allusions, that there is no way of being assured that he actually predicted the result of the OJ trial. To which I say - exactly! In the Match Game™ context, Nostradamusí predictions could easily be interpreted in several ways, matching one or several of the panelists' answers SIMULTANEOUSLY! And since the half-hour format of Match Game™ precludes the kind of peer-reviewed critiques necessary to dismiss these linkages, itís likely that Bill Todman™ and/or Mark Goodson™ will err on the side of caution - and good TV - by giving the benefit of the doubt to Nostradamus. Nostradamus wins easily and brings home the velour funiture or track lighting set or whatever the hell else they are giving away that week on MG77.

Joe: Tilex(tm) isn't an addiction, it's a lifestyle - a lifestyle I'm proud to say helps me see the future. Like the future of this match. I predict... Dionne Warwick will beat Nostradamus by 537 votes. I called Ms. Warwick last night and she agrees. I tried to call Nostradamus - but he's dead, which brings up a good point. He does not have any feel for the current times and will not be able to connect with the stars. I have to correct you on one point - vague answers will not help "N-Dawg" win at the Match Game. None of his mumbo jumo will even be allowed. He will start rambling on about mythical beasts and whatnot and then Gene will say, "Um, N-Dawg, you need to express your answer in the form of ONE or TWO words. If your ancient Frenchie brain cannot understand that, I'm going to have to disqualify you and let Betty White have her way with you backstage."

The reason Dionne is considered psychic is because she knows her audience. I agree part of her incredible psychic powers come from the fact that she knows how to react to white trash. But she also knows how to react to the rich and famous. She knows how they feel and how they will respond to the questions and she can use that to wipe the floor with some old geezer who has never heard of Nipsey Russell.

I'm sorry, but Ms. Warwick will be the one going home with the all-expense paid trip to Mazatlan, the matching washing machine and dryer, the complete LavaLamp set AND the brand new orange Chevette.

JOHN: Joe, I feel sorry for you, not having grown up watching Match Game™ thrice-daily. If you had, you'd know that the contestants have to write their answers on a 4" x 6" card, just as the celebrities do. Hell, I don't even think there's a specific rule against writing on the back of the card, or on Gene Rayburn, if they want to. If the contestants can fit it on there, it doesn't matter how long their answers are, Rayburn has to accept them. Hence, Nostradamus should easily be able to fit one of his vague four-line quatrains onto the card, providing he writes small enough.

Nice try with throwing that French thing in there but the point is moot since Dionne became a citizen of France prior to this match, as was noted in the scenario. So that's a wash. (Historic moment: first-ever association of the terms "wash" and "France" in the same paragraph.)

And what's this about some kind of similitude between Dionne Warwick and the Match Game™ celebs? Granted, the stars on the show tend to be B-listers, but by the late '70s, I think it would have been accurate to describe Dionne as no more than a Q- or S-list celebrity. She had no more in common with them than she had with... well, Warwick Davis. In contrast, Nostradamus is quite close to some of the panel members; in 1977, he would have been 376 years old, making him only slightly younger than Charles Nelson Reilly. And Nipsey Russell is famous for periodically emitting four-line verses of poetry, to amuse and inform the audience - why, just like Nostradamus! In fact, one of Nipsey's (or Nostradamus 2, as he likes to be called) poems quite accurately predicted the outcome of this match:

"She knew the way to San Jose
Her voice sounded like Heaven
But that did her no Got-daimn good
On Match Game '77."

Editor's note: As always, we welcome any comments you have on this match,
but we would like to note that any comment which includes the all-too-obvious line:
"If Dionne was such a great psychic, how come she didn't know that her career
was going to hit the crapper?" will be disqualified.

No match credits for this one. It's a Grudge Match Original™, spearheaded mainly by Hotbranch!™. However, credit is due for all of the great Match Game pictures in the above Visual Bonanza™ which were found at The Game $how Page.

The Results

Nostradamus (615 - 85.2%)

blanks*

Dionne Warwick (107 - 14.8%)

* Nipsey: crushes; Brett: tramples; Charles: embarrasses; Marcia: destroys
Richard:slaughters; Betty: prognosticates the ever-loving snot out of

Note: Unofficially, this is the greatest rout in WWWF History (based on percentage of the vote)

Nostradamus goes to the bonus round!

Nostradamus wins a kitchen full of Maytag™ appliances and a trip to the Bonus Round™, while Dionne leaves with some lovely Consolation Prizes™. Unfortunately, even a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax™ cannot ease the pain of a collapsed career.

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Voter Comments

Gold Grudgie RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

The key is a topic which the commentators only touched on: Nostradamus' socio-chronological displacement. Try taking a French monk from the 1600s and transplanting him to Hollywood, in the 1970s no less. Are we forgetting what we learned from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (tm)? That bringing historical figures to Southern California in modern times will result in their ridiculously outrageous and unpredictable responses to items we consider commonplace (such as an escalator), at which point hilarity ensues.

Electric Lights? That really, really skinny microphone Gene is holding? Paul Lynde? All these things will simultaneously frighten, confuse and exhilarate N-Dawg, to the point that he becomes dysfunctional. And let's not forget that the area in which the contestants sit rotates. This will scare the Holy Hell (tm) out of him. As he would later write "The Earth did rotate and rumble, and evil funky music did sound out, and I was faced with a horrific bespectacled beast in a satin scarf." He'll think he's in Revelations (tm).

Another huge point is the interest factor. The only person stupid enough to get zapped 300 years into the future and then want to go onto a game show is Fry from Futurama. When I buy a stock, I have a hard time waiting an hour to see how it's doing. This guy spent a huge chunk of his life predicting the future. What do you think he'd rather do: find out how his predictions turned out and what others may have learned from his efforts, or spend time with celebrities made famous mostly by Match Game in order to try to win 5000 units of a currency that's value has no meaning to him? And let us not forget that he was more than a prognosticator. He was also a monk, a doctor, a scientist and a scholar. He would yearn to learn more of the current state of these subjects. He'll quickly become disinterested, wonder off to the nearest library, take a class about the world wide web, and he'll soon be reading about how his dramatic predictions of the French Revolution came true, how Louis Pasteur's brilliant work lead to the eradication of the same plague Nostradamus himself had once fought so fervently, and how Congress is trying to charge you long distance fees for internet access.

With no competition, all Dionne has to do is match 1 celebrity in either round, which is guaranteed simply by answering "tinkle" to both questions.

Nostradamus will eventually adapt, of course. Remember that Abraham Lincoln and friends, given enough time, were able to pull it together to perform at Bill & Ted's school project. Two years later, N-Dawg pulls in a cool ten grand on Tarot Card Sharks (tm).

- Shaggy

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

This cannot end well. I predict that it will end in a tordid love affair once Dionne breaks into "I'll Say a Little Prayer for You", which fast becomes an audience participation number, seeing as how everyone in the audience has seen "My Best Friend's Wedding." Nostradamus, having undoubtedly predicted this (thus, knowing the lyrics) will start to sing along, surprising everyone that a guy that old can have such a great voice. Dionne is most surprised of all, having foretold that she would find love in a competitor, leaving her speechless right in the middle of her solo. The audience gasps, surprised that Dionne has stopped singing. She and "Nostri" gaze longingly at each other, until each of them, at the same time, realize that the whole affair will go sour, leaving them both bitter and loveless for the rest of their existence. Betty White says something stupid, to break the tension, but the tension remains. Dionne and Nosrtadamus then turn and storm out of the room. The audience is in a state of total shock. It sort of makes you wonder, doesn't it? As to whether or not Mother Love and her network could've predicted and prevented any of this...

- Mr. Potato Head

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

First round outcome: Nostradamus: Answers correctly, but no one understands it for 2000 years. Points this round: 0

Dionne Warwick: Refuses to answer when Gene refuses to give her his credit card number. Points this round: 0

Tiebreaker round: (Tie is broken by having contestants compete in predictions about each other . . . In haiku form!)

Dionne:
Nostradamus, sir.
You is cheating on your wife.
And you is pregnant. [score: -2]

Nostradamus:
Fake psychic Dionne.
Sitting there waiting for me
To win all the cash. [score: 1]

- Albatross

dionne has another advantage here: her immunity to the problems of white trash. let me explain, some of my friends are white trash, and let me tell you that if you can fathom the mysteries of the white trashiness, you have the power to know what any celebrity, even nipsy russell, is thinking. nostradamus, master of the half-assed vauge answer that he is, doesn't stand a chance.

- Special J


And John claims to have watched Match Game? The contestants on match game NEVER wrote down their answers. They were all too far down on the evolutionary scale to be able to write.

That said, Dionne takes this one in a walk. First, I would be greatly surprised if Dionne was not at one time a Match Game "celebrity" (and I use that term loosely). She knows how these people think and will be able to respond accordingly. She'll know that anything pertaining to sex or open for a double entendre will be the correct answer. Poor Nostradamus, being from a more backward time, may be able to divine the answer but will be too embarassed to say such things on national television. Also, Nostry will be just a little too high-brow for this panel. You have to think like your average trailer-park trash to succeed on Match Game. Nostry would have better luck on Jeopardy (exceot he won't remember to answer in the form of a question).

- The Incomprehnsible Eihort


Please, this is right up Nostradamus' cobweb strewn alley.

Now, I am a sucker for game shows, The Match Game in particular. I can personally attest to a big spike in my TV viewing hours since my backwater cable system picked up the Game Show network(TM).

And, having seen hundreds of Match Game eps, I can aver with no fear of contradiction that Dionne Warwick is toast.

Why, you ask? It's simple.

If you've ever seen The Match Game, you'll note that all of the panelists are either a) three sheets to the wind b) insane c) stupid d) some combination of the above and thus come up with crazy answers just for cheap laughs. Now, here's where Dionne loses.

Pyschic abilities aside, Dionne is far less insane that N-Dawg. She's the old-lady-talking-to-pigeons kind of crazy, but N-Dawg is the biting-the-heads-off-rabbits-and-yelling-"WHAT'S-THE-FREQUENCY,- KENNETH?!?!?!" kind of crazy.

Thus, he is in inside the heads of the various panelists and will know just what each of them will respond with.

Oh, and by the way, the answer is.... "Merkin."

- Echidna Guy. (I've got all the powers of the mighty Echidna!)


Dionne will not only predict what Gene and Brett will do in their Encino hotel room after the show's done, but would also beat the "shut up" guy (Nostradamus to Warner Bros. Animation fans) very easily.

The main reason for this is the way the questions are asked in each round. In the first round, the questions are meant to be funny, with a whole bundle of answers coming out of that one. Thus, Dionne and Nostradamus would be even at this point. However, the second round usually has an answer that would be very obvious. For Dionne, she would probably be able to figure out what that answer is. However, for Nostradamus, who didn't live during the 1970's, he may not know about the thing that is being referred to in the question and may suggest something from his poetry, which is nothing compared to Nipsey's. And since Brett is the only one who gives long answers on the show, he may have to go home with Turtle Wax.

Besides, Nostradamus predicted something bad will happen in July of 1999. Unless he meant the death of JFK Jr., he is way wrong on that one. - Joe Klemm


The only real reason that we, as a modern world, remember seventeenth century prophet Nostradamus is that he has a funny name. Noh-strah- dahm-uss. Heh heh. Much like astronomer Nicholas Copernicus and author NiccolÚ Machiavelli, you can repeat his name for hours on end without being bored (note how many times I use his name in this document). His full name, Michel de Nostradame, provides even fuller enjoyment.

While his moniker is certainly fun to pronounce, what of his predictions? Nearly all of Nostradamus's predictions were at least good two hundred and fifty years away from happening. One must consider that in Game Show Mania(tm) and Match Game, everything must be guessed correctly and immediately. What good will it do for Nostradamus to correctly answer a question for an episode of Match Game 2525?

Assuming, of course, that the answers are correct at all. It's true that he predicted that Hitler would rise to power, but he actually wrote that a man named "Hister" would do so. Look at another prediction of his. "The world will end in 1999 and seven months". No, the world didn't end in July of '99, but we came pretty damn close. Last time I heard, game show answers that were "close but no cigar" don't count.

I must say that Dionne Warwick wins the game. She never oversteps her "abilities" with thoughts like revolutions or stuff. She only holds one major prediction in her book that can be totally truthful: "I predict that I will con the money out of suckers." Of course there's no doubt that the best way to do this is to set up a nine-hundred number and pretend to tell them their future. This certainly brings in the cash. Another way to take the money from fools is to be a contestant on simple game shows. There was an upsurge of simple game shows in the 1970s, as the Game Show Network(tm) will gladly point out. What makes a simple game show? A simple game show is one where there is no possibility to come home with little to no money. Most game shows these days have some range of difficulty to them, wherein there is still the chance that you could leave with diddlysquat. However, these shows of the 70s are specifically designed to make someone leave with piles of cash. Why were these game shows so popular? Because children could answer the questions, dumbass. Easy questions = More audience = More contestants = More people who win money = Less money for a budget = A short lifespan!

But Charge Man, you ask, If the questions are so easy, why won't Nostradamus win? Ah, an excellent question. You see, the issue that determines Nostradamus's loss is importance. All of Nostradamus's predictions are earth shattering: World Wars, Pasteurization, the Apocalypse, et cetera. But all of Dionne's "predictions" are insignificant: "Should I mow my lawn this afternoon?" or "Should I buy a dog?" being at the top of the list. This, being a typical game show, will have questions that relate to the audience, like "I like to eat [blank] for breakfast" not "I know that we will all perish once the country of [blank] uses its nuclear weaponry". Who do you think would get the right answer?

Thus, there is no doubt the Psychic Friends champion would win the Game Match, take the dough and invest it in some more nine-hundred numbers.

But I'm voting for Nostradamus because I like to say his name. Nostradamus!

- Charge Man


Nostradamus was French, and therefore he cannot lose.

What!? I hear you shriek. French, and therefore he cannot lose?

Oh yes, good people. French, and therefore he cannot lose.

This could be a mantra. In fact, let's all sing it a few times.

He's French, and therefore he cannot lose,
French, and therefore he cannot lose,
So French that he just cannot lose,
French, and so he cannot lose.

Wasn't that fun?

And here's the reason:

Well, actually, I don't have a reason. I just wanted to play with your minds. Well, actually I just want some attention. And I don't know any 17th-century French quatrains. Or want to admit knowing any Dionne Warwick songs.

Actually, I do have a reason. Seventeenth-century France was one-half of the Eighty Years War (1568 to 1648). If they hadn't wasted their time in wars like that (and later degenerating into Republicanism), they'd still be kicking your Yankee glutea maxima today, instead of crouching behind the Loi Poulot and the fact that they can win the World Cup by playing real football.

Nostradamus is one of those old-school Frenchmen. He's such a hard bastard, that he's been holding his breath for more than 300 years. Ever see The Deep Blue with Jean Reno? Jean "Leon" Reno? In French? Without subitles? No? And you still think that you deserve to vote in this?

- I bid thee, adieu.


I can't remember Nostradamus ever predicting that he was going to win the Grudge Match. Not even vaguely.

And since he was possibly a genuine psychic and he didn't think he would win, he probably didn't. So Dionne did, because she's not a genuine.. psychic... and...

Oh, stuff logic. Nostradamus will win- he's dead. To quote Terry Pratchett through the zombie Reg Shoe, dead rights advocate "You don't have to take this lying down!" Nostradamus with his winnings can finance the undead revolution (remember all the "immortal" emperors with "ever-victorious armies"? Well....) Besides, Hollywood is the best cultural predictor around, and what did Haley Joel Osment say: "I see dead people". He left off "...winning the Grudge Match" but only because he didn't want to scare Bruce Willis.

So, um, yeah. Nostradamus wins. Due to being dead and just generally cooler than Dionne. Plus, Nostradamus has never tried to rip people off, as far as I know. That's gotta be a plus.

- O.P.


FINALLY... Todd E... HAS COME BACK... to Grudge Match!

<>

OK, screw all of youse.

Let's get to the action. There's no way, no how, no chance that Nostradamus can lose this match. Why? Because this is television, baby, and in television, only one thing matters.

Ratings.

Now, let's play some word association, ok? What comes to mind when I say Nostradamus? Fraud? Psychic? Charlatan? Seer? OK, some true believers, some detractors, but no real consensus.

HOWEVER...

Dionne Warwick... What comes to mind? Annoying! Washed-up! Loser! Trailer... park... trash... advisor. Her approval ratings are lower than Bill Clinton's pants at Hooters(TM)! No one will tune in to Match Game with her as the defending champ! C'mon.

N-man by default.

- Todd Evil


Why isn't there a "Both forced to watch Hogan's Heroes Marathon hosted by Richard Dawson button"?

- Blue Mambomaster


Gene: I don't know why we are breaking the format today, but it is a celebrity version and, let's face it, we always dumb it down for the celebs so they don't look like the idiots they are. So, both of you are going to be answering the same question. Now that our celebrities have written down their answers, here's the question again. Dumb Dora is so dumb...

Studio Audience: How dumb is she?

Gene: She's so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her BLANK! Nostradamus, what do you think?

Nostradamus thinks. He wants to say "Powdered Wig," but powdered wigs seem strangely absent among the audience and it is possible they went out of fashion since the last time he was alive. No choice but to use his psychic powers. He drops into the trance.

Nostradamus: The guardians of the beach-head shall dissapear before the invading army arrives.

Audience: Awwwww!

Gene: Seems the audience didn't like that one. Fotunately our judges have been drinking during the break, so maybe you have a chance. Dionne, how about you?

Dionne Warwick thinks. Networking with her psychic friends doesn't seem to be working well, she keeps getting "cousin's pants" and suspects that it's due to dealing with Arkansas trailer park dwellers too much. She has hung around with hollywood celebrities enough to know a good answer for them and decides to ignore the psychic vibrations and go with her gut.

Gene: Dumb Dora is so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her . . .

Dionne: falsies.

Audience: Yay.

Gene: Her falsies. All right. Let's go to the stars . . . Nipsey Russell. Dumb Dora is so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her . . .

Nipsey: Hah heh, uh!

Fortunately he has also written something on his card. Unfortunately, it is about as readable as his speech is intelligable. Oddly, the audience seems to understand him since they all laugh.

Gene: Heh, yes. Well, no match there. Brett?

Brett Somers: (feigning just waking up) Howard Cosell! No, wait . . . (revealing her card) her wonderbra.

Gene: I'm afraid that's horribly anachronistic, but we do have a 16th century astrologer here. I know I said 17th century earlier, but obviously the commentators never bothered to look it up. (Ding) That's one for Dionne. On to the inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly.

Charles: Well, you see Dumb Dora was pretty dumb, so when she wanted to make "whoopee" she would take off her (revealing card) cousin's pants.

Dionne starts swearing to herself for not trusting the psychic friends. She should have learned her lesson when she ignored their comments about bankruptcy.

Gene: Ha, ha. You better stop drinking during the breaks or you'll get us thrown off the air. Ah, Marcia, can you help us out here.

Marcia: Sorry . . . she takes off her clothes.

Gene: You know, every damn show you always do that. You do understand the idea here is to be funny, don't you?

Marcia: That isn't funny?

Gene: (Exasperated) Let's move on.

Richard Dawson: (Obviously drunk out of his mind.) Hey Gene, hows it going?

Gene: Not so good. Maybe you can help us out. Dumb Dora is so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her . . .

Richard Dawson: I...

At this moment the sound cuts out and "We are experiencing Technical Difficulties" appears on the screen. When the picture returns the audience is howling with laughter and Gene is nearly doubled over. He gasps for breath.

Gene: Did you do that to make Charles Nelson Reilly look good? This is 1977, you can't say that on TV. Well, no match there . . . (Ding) huh? The judges are signalling that they will take that as a match for Nostradamus. Are you guys drunk? Oh, wait I see, yeah okay that works. Oh Betty, do you think that you can bring a little class back into this show?

Betty: I'm afraid not. She first takes off her . . . "unspecified pregnancy prevention system".

Gene: (Hitting Richard Dawson with the question card) See, that's how you say it. (ding) Well, it looks like Nostradamus has two so when we come back from commercial he will be going on to the audience match round.

For the record Nostradamus successfully gets "National 'Anthem'" but blows the celebrity round when Richard Dawson passes out mid- answer.

- Warren Von


Obviously, Nostradamus would know if he were going to lose. If he were, he'd claim that the apocalypse was upon us and the match would be cancelled.

- Smokey the Bear


If you ever look back on any of the past battles, you'll notice that in almost every battle between the sexes (Xena AND Gabrielle vs Conan, Spice Girls vs The Village People, Boxers (with no women and a convicted Rapist) vs Wrestlers (with one female), etc) the side with the females almost always lose. So, with several centuries of experience in a male-oriented society, N-dawg will easily dispose of this Warwick character.

P.S. If you don't post this, I'll know the real reason why: It's because all of your mothers/girlfriends have you all so pussy-whipped that you'd crawl through glass to do their bidding.

- Tarquin, the Rapist(and only real man alive)


This match is surprisingly close. Let's take a look at our combatants:

Pyschic Ability: Precisely equal. This is because there is no such thing as psychic powers. As explained in "The Mask of Nostradamus" by James "The Amazing" Randi, much of Nostradamus' success derives from the vague nature of his predictions and also due to legions of fans over hundreds of years fudging the predictions themselves to make them conform to events. While James Randi would agree that Dionne Warwick possesses no psychic power, she also lacks the legions of fans who will misinterpret and even fudge her predictions. Based on their followings, Nostradamus would appear to lead in this category.

Intelligence: No question here. The man from France wins handily. Before he got into the mystic business, Nostradamus was a physician and was better than most at it. Also, he was able to make predictions and dabble in the occult (almost openly) and was able to avoid being burned at the stake as a heretic or be tortured to death by the Inquisition. That kind of surviving takes real brains. The worst risk Dionne Warwick ever faced was being branded unpopular. Her intellect is weak compared to that of Nostradamus.

Cultural Awareness: Finally, a category where Dionne Warwick wins. Despite his army of followers and his smarts and skills at avoiding persecution, Nostradamus is a product of 16th century France. Unfortunately for him, he could not even imagine 1977-era American culture. Many things such as "whoopee" jokes would be a mystery. On the other hand, Dionne Warwick is a 20th century American and is totally familiar with the culture.

Based on the question, Dionne Warwick will win. The only way Nostradamus could win is if he could get some of his horde of admirers to rush up on stage and alter the celebrity response cards so they would conform to Nostradamus' predictions before anyone knew what was happening. But this is unlikely. However, since one of these phony psychics will win, James Randi would still be unhappy about it.

- The Demented Astronomer


I don't care how unpopular my choice is, I go for Dionne.

To illustrate my point, I give you two words: "That's What Friends Are For." (All right, so that's really five.)

I danced with GIRLS (GIRLS fer cryin' out loud) in junior high school to this song. Nobody can take those memories from me. I mean nobody. Not my shrink, not my parents, not Mr. Dubois the gym teacher with his "six inches from the young lady, please."

Nostradamus (I call him "Bill"), on the other hand, was the sole reason behind my misery at the tender of puberty. I was convinced, due to his "predictions," that nuclear holocaust was imminent in 1990, and I would be one dead motherfucker at the age of 16. How I cried and cried.

But lookee here, I'm here, you're here, Pittsburgh and New York are still here. Guess that didn't happen. (Nyah, nyah.)

What was my point again? Oh yeah, Dionne in '00, bay-bee. Cuz Stone Cold said so.

(I am in need of so, so much help. Can you help me? Please?)

- Psychotropic


Congratulations on the new location, guys! It looks good. I particularly like the Formica (tm) covering the commentator's area. It keeps the Tilex (tm) from ruining the carpet. By the way, the next Fungicideaholics meeting is Friday, 7 pm, at the Moose hall. Be there.

Now to the MG77. It is Dionne in a song. (I knew you were going to say that.) The trick here is that the answers are based on what the 'voice of the people' is. As a famous philosopher (whose name escapes me) said, "The 'vox populi' is often a grunt'. The N-Dawg is out of his depth here. Going from philosophy to consumer herd sexual humor will probably give Nos-baby the 'bends'. Plus, this doesn't require any supernatural talent, just an idea of what is on Springer- America's dirty little mind. Dionne has her finger (in a Trojan (tm) protective prophylactic device, to prevent infection) on the fetid pulse of America through her 'psychic hotline' training. (Hang on, the phone's ringing.) That was Dionne congratulating me on my prediction.

Web Pilgrim aka cerberus and xxact - Hey, I'm in The Grudge Book)

- Web Pilgrim


Nostradomus waves his leathery hand, I have forseen I have already won this match, Dionne, go HOME!!!! She nods her head, hitting both blond-proof shoulder pads, and says, jar-jar binks style "OKEEYDAY" Wait!, calls "N", as we'll call him, "you will also trade your villa fro my shack, set me up as a pop singer, and be my shagadelic lover!" She frowns, okay. Six months later, there is ' Nostradomus SYNC, what has the world come to????

I would like to thank my friend (and fellow FOVFV member) x_los for her contribution to this response.

- darth_vxn


pluses and minuses for the contestants:

Nostradamus--Predictions from his own day to the end of time (+3) . . . but they mainly concern the French (-1). Subject of a cheesy Hollywood documentary (-1) . . . narrated by Orson Welles (+2). Possibly predicted deaths of John and Robert Kennedy (+2) . . . which makes him no more prescient that that big-haired fraud Jeanne Dixon (-1). His big "1999 and seven months" prediction turned out to be a lot of hot air (-1). Predicted Hitler (+3) . . . but spelled it "Hister" (-1). Couldn't predict death of John Kennedy jr., Columbine, or the Oklahoma City bombing, all of which would have been helpful (-3). Final score: +2.

Dion(ne) Warwick: Host of cheesy late-night infomercial (-3). Can't seem to know how to spell her own first name (-1). Sung "That's What Friends are For" (-3). Picked Susan Lucci to win a Daytime Emmy seventeen times (-17). Couldn't predict Tom Cruise would win a Golden Globe (+2). Final score: -22.

Nostradamus wins. Predicts eventual death of Warwick in tragic "scanner" contest.

Bonus! Score for the panel!. . . Nipsey Russell: unfunny hack who relies on bad puns (-2).

Brett Somers: tough old broad who survived being married to Jack Klugman (+5).

Charles Nelson Reilly: irritating schtick (-4), that toupee isn't fooling anyone (-1), was a character in a Sid and Marty Croft show called "Lidsville" (+3), played Jose Chung on "The X-Files" and "Millenium" (+10). Final score: +8.

Marcia Wallace: makes Bob Newhart look brilliant by comparison (-3), horrific overbite (-4). Final score: -7.

Richard Dawson: not nearly as funny as he thinks he is (-3), not nearly as suave as he thinks he is (-4), smokes like a burning Welsh coal mine (-3), played Newkirk on "Hogan's Heroes," the pinnacle of his miserable career (+1), was in "The Running Man" (+2) . . . playing himself (-2), all that kissing, but never once with Morganna (-5). Final score: -14, plus a terminal case of mononucleosis.

Betty White: was on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" (+1), was on "The Golden Girls (-10), played the "nagging old bitch" role in both "Hard Rain" (+2) and "Lake Placid" (+2). Final score: -5.

Final result: Reilly and Somers get reprieve. All others into the wood chipper with Steve Buscemi.

- Deacon


The key to this match is in the setting commentary: "it's $4.99 per minute." Warwick need to get paid before she can see the future. Psychic hotlines are like a legal 'prophetic' version of your basic hooker. They take your money and screw you. Furthermore, you have to put out BEFORE they do. Where are the Grudge Match (tm) commentators supposed to get that kind of money? And don't try to say the winner's prizes count. Psychic hotlines take cash only, just like most of their counterparts on street corners.

- Topcat


I knew who was going to win...

- Budo, $3.99 the first minute,...


The Grudgeinator-5613(tm) needed a little tweaking to size up this matchup. Please see an excerpt of the troubles:

G-5613> MATCH(Dionne, Nostradamus) Dionne, being filled with the MONETARY-RAGE(tm) of a dealing with a free phychic, should quickly pummell the crud out of the frenchman...

^C

(After a quick recompile of the Grudgeinator-5613(tm) so it doesn't just deal with fights, burnings or drooling contests)

G-5613> MATCH(Dionne, Nostradamus: TYPE='Psychic Duel') Dionne had a feeling of IMPENDING DOOM(tm). Nostradamus already knew how she would die...

^C

(*deep sigh*(tm), stupid computers)

G-5613> Match(Dionne, Nostradamus: TYPE='Psychic Duel': FORMAT='1977 Dating Game')

Studio Audience: How dumb is she?

Gene: She's so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her BLANK!

*tick tock tick tock*

*DING*

Gene: Our panel has their selections, lets see what you have Dionne.

Dionne: Well, 3 points isn't too bad, but I think Richard had the funnest response. *long pause as Dionne looks around* Oh sorry! *holds up a 3X5 with 'clothes' written on it*

Gene: (with a 1/2 scared look on his face) ehh, ok.

Nipsey: Well look at me in the chair, I said she'd take off her wear 'clothes'. *ding*

Brett: I said she'd take off her Wig! *buzz*

Charles: I thought about saying something clever, but I went with 'clothes' *ding*

Marcia: It seems to me, she would have to take off her sheets. *buzz*

Richard: I said she'd take off her false breasts. (audience laugh) *buzz*

Betty: I figured she would have to take off her 'clothes'. *ding*

{Richard leans over and starts to whisper in Betty's ear giving Betty the look of repugnance normally reserved to a dahlmer-lector eating contest.}

Gene: That's 3 points for Dionne.

Dionne: As I predicted, and you can hear my predictions for only $4.99 per minute.

Gene: Now for our next...

Nostradamus: The moon will fall in conjunction with the new birth. Aries and Jupiter shall become as one when the comet runs.

Gene: ....question...Steve is so big

Audience: How big is he?

Gene: Steve is so big...

Dionne:Gene, How dare you give this economic moron such an easy question? I'd sue this show if I it wasn't going bankrupt in 6 months. *Dionne rises and walks off the stage* I know about your little sex scandal and hush money Gene.

*Gene turns bright red and starts to sweat*

Nostradamus: Then the blood of the masters will be upon the hands of those of the fifty.

Gene: *stammering* steve is so big, when he buys...........

announcer voice: From television city studios in Holywood California, this has been the Match Game.

Grudgeinator-5613(tm). G-5613>

- bullseye


Well, let's see..... Did *you* ever have arguments concerning the predictions of "Dionne" when you were a 6th grader, trying to figure out if Napoleon and Hitler really WERE comings of the Anti-Christ....?

- D@t@-Kun


Gene: Welcome back to Match Game '77! Now here with the question ONCE more so our contestants and "expert" panel of celebrities can write their answers. The question once again: Dumb Dora is so dumb...

Studio Audience: How dumb is she?

Gene: She's so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her BLANK!

Bum bum bababumbabum Bum Bum bababumbabum Bum Bum bababumbabum BUM!

Gene: All right, we have our answers. First, Nostradamus. *takes his card.* "The mountains shall explode from the peaks with molten lava that flows down its side, bathing small villages and coming to a halt at the moutain's foot. From thence a flock of seagulls shall cause strange hair patterns in young people and white marks across the land. And then the psychotic one shall challenge a defiler of Rage(tm), who runs from the challenge and his eventual death at this Mental Hospital Escapee's hands." Wow N-Dawg, you sure?

N-Dawg: My answer shall be deemed correct!

Gene: And Dionne's answer: "Chuck, you're pregnant." WHAT?!?!

*Charles Nelson Riley looks away in shame.*

Gene: DEAR GOD! Anyhoo, let's see what the stars have to say. Nipsey?

Nipsey: Maybe I ain't into this new lingo of N-Dawg, but I gotta say hat.

Gene: Judges? *DING* A point so the N-Dawg, since technically a peak is the hat of the mountain and it DID explode off. Next up, Betty White!

Betty: Flock of Seagulls? Anyways, I just said shoes.

Gene: Well, I'll be! Another point for N-Dawg, as the base of a mountain are it's shoes! What about you, Brett? Dumb Dora is sooooo dumb...

Studio Audience: How dumb is she?

Gene: She's so dumb, that when she goes to make whoopee, the first thing she takes off is her BLANK!

Brett: I'm gonna go with a wig, after all, you don't NEED to remove it.

Gene: Well, thanks to the Flock of Seagulls, that's ABSOLUTELY right for N-Dawg. Dionne, however, is still scoreless.

Dionne: Oh, I think I scored BIG time on Charles's life...

Charles: SHUT UP!!!!!!

Gene: *shudders* Now then, Richard?

Richard: Well, I must say that everyone here is WRONG! The real answer is her belt!

Gene: ANOTHER point for Nostradamus! The side of a mountain includes the tree line, or belt if you will! Now then, Marcia, what did you say?

Marcia: I said her pearl earrings, but I could be wrong.

Gene: Dionne would think that, but N-Dawg is still on fire. Since pearls are white, and the seagulls brought forth the white spots, HE'S RIGHT AGAIN!

N-Dawg: My victory shall approach with much swiftness and booze, especially booze.

Gene: And now, our resident Father...err...Mother...uh, PARENT to be, Charles Nelson Riley!

Charles: I'M GONNA KILL YOU! DIE DIONNE DIE!!!

Gene: Since the villagers on the mountain died in N-Dawg's answer, we have a winner! Nostradamus advances!!!!

*The famous tune plays as Charles Nelson Riley chases Dionne Warwick around the set. She later gets the consolation dining room set, while N-Dawg later won the $25,00 limit CBS had set on winnings...*

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escaping Match Game Fan


This match would be an easy upset by Dionne Warwick, but for one commonly overlooked fact: the fact that both Nostradamas and Dionne Warwick look eerily similar to exactly two other people, who will come to their aid. Nostradamas will be aided by the team of Rasputin and Leonardo Da Vinci, and Dionne will be aided by the team of Janet Jackson and Diana Ross.

The match starts off, and Da Vinci goes straight to work whipping up a combination flying machine/roto-rooter as the rest of the combatants go at it. Anybody who has ever watched Jerry Springer knows that there is nothing on Earth more deadly than a Sassy Black Woman(TM), who are often accompanied by lots of gyrating of the head and snapped fingers. While we all know that these are incredibly annoying, in the Grudge it gets you nowhere (as we've seen in Fat & Skinny Elvis vs. Fat & Skinny Oprah). Even so, Janet's furious dance/kung-fu combination manages to knock Nostradamas out cold, but she's met with a suprise when she puts the smack down on Rasputin: the man is invincible! When Rasputin was murdered, it took enough arsenic to kill a horse, a severe beating, a bath in a river in the middle of a Russian winter, and several gunshot wounds before he finally died. As the Queen of Pop goes at the Mad Monk he simply takes the blows and snaps her neck.

At about this time, Da Vinci has finished his flying death machine, and takes out Janet, only to be killed himself when he realizes that he could improve his design by adding a few ball bearings to the wing propellers. He lands the craft, begins his work, and gets tied mule kicked in half by Dionne.

So by this point we think Dionne has won, right? Wrong! Historical evidence shows that Nostradamas actually published a book of jelly recipies before becoming a mysic. Having forseen his own death at the hands of Dionne, he has made sure to make her some special jelly...a little water, a few strawberries, a ton of sugar, and BAM! In with the Stric-9. Dionne sees this tempting morsel and cannot resist it...look at that picture, people, she looks like she just got out of a concentration camp. As a result, Dionne tackles the deadly bread like Jevon Kearse on a fumble and dies of Nostradamas' clairvoyance. While Nostradamas may have died first, he wins because he who laughs last laughs loudest.

- Brian C. Strock, esq.


On this eve of the great festival of the slope, I sit and weigh the psychic abilities of two very different minds. One a great (as good as french gets) Frenchman and the other a 2nd rate R&B singer. Lets look at these two people...

Nostradmaus

1) Cured people with the plague (good) 2) Predicted such figures as Hitler, Napolean and JFK (good) 3) Has been wrong in about 1000 of his other predictions (bad)

Dionne Warwick

1) Sang funky tunes written by Burt Bacharach (good) 2) Conned white trash out of their money at $4.99/minute (good in my book) 3) Declared bankruptcy and is related to Whitney "Where's the Weed" Houston (bad real bad)

I would give the match to Nostradamus but he has the French factor against him and he is often wrong. I would think about Dionne Warwick but she hasn't had a hit since Bacharach stopped writing for her. Where else to turn to but the magic eight ball. "Will Nostradamus be the psychic victor?" 8Ball--"Yes." "Will Dionne Warwick be the psychic victor?" 8Ball--"Uncertain."

I go with the 8Ball Nasty Nostradamus wins it.

- Matthew a buzzed Scotsman from Cornell


Despite Nostra-dumass's reputation, he's out of his league. Any idiot who ever watched the show knows that winning had NOTHING to do with any psychic powers, nothing to do with basic common sense, and everything to do with knowing the showbiz (ahem) "stars" that were providing the answers.

FACT: Dionne was a hot little number back in the day, using her "assets" she could easily sway the answers of the men involved to the most sexually related double-entandra available. Nostradamus was just an ugly old French man.

FACT: Dionne was a 2-bit actress in hollywood. This would give her the insight to the rest of the women (all 2-bit actresses), leaving only Betty White who no longer could be classified as a woman or actress. Nostradamus, being about her age, would have made that one too close to call.

FACT: Nostra is French, and NEVER in the history of Grudgematchdom has a frenchman won. The michellin man even lost when his French connection became known.. against the FRIGGIN KOOL-AIDE MAN!!

- Tirdun


The results of this one were predicted long ago, in two obscure Quatrains from Nostradamus' works:

"The Glitter Ball queen shall fall yet rise again, the voice discarded, the vision embraced, Bringing together the many charlatans, Yet will she fall again, the true seer returns.

On the stage of a worn game Shall her failure be disclosed Discordance, much hate, great hissing of tongues Shall follow her as she leaves forever."

- The Bunyip


My first instinct was to go with Nostradamus. But then John refered to him as 'N-Dawg.' N-Dawg?! What is up with that?! Anyone with 'Dawg' in their name automatically qualifies as a looser. ...But then I realized that Warwick was responsible for all those 'Psychic Hotline' commercials that clutter up my favorite shows from Comedy Central and Sci-Fi Channel. I suppose I can forgive John for this slip up. But if he does that again...

- The Animator


Nostradamus may be more longwinded, but milady Dionne is going down like the Titanic. Why, you ask? Because of what I call the "Obnoxious Celebrity Factor". Simply put, the Gods of Grudge(TM) frown upon those celebrities which the general public finds annoying. And if there's one thing that annoys the general public, it's psychic- hotline infomercials! As Nostradamus would put it:

The Fates shall frown upon the dark-skinned seeress Who is without Rage(TM) or Mentos-Level-Coolness(TM) And shall verily be smited by the Vague One Please remember to always recycle

- Andy the Anarchist- Just remember to subvert that ol' dominant paradgim!


Its a funny thing, but in the past, I've always been able to predict Grudge Match results accurately...after the match is over.

Therefore: _________ will win. I'll fill in the blank after the match results have been announced.

(NOTE: The above system is absolutely foolproof. So call me at 1-800- THIS-NUMBER-DOES-NOT-EXIST at $1 per minute to find out the winner of this match. The phone call is only valid after May 15th)

- Boba Foot


BWAHAHAHAH Nostradamus beat that king of evil, Dionne Warwick? Nostradamus has everything against him. He's french, he's dead, he can only see the future when drunk, and he's french.(being french counts for 2) He won't even know what whoopee is. He is, after all, from the middle ages, when they burned you at the stake for looking at a girls ears. Dionne, on the other hand, has everything going. She's the king of all that is evil, as evidenced by her smile on those ads. Oh, how I hate that smile!! Also, she has backup. All of those other psychics that she employs (really foul creatures from the pit of despair) will come in and give their master a hand. Gene, being in league with the ruler of the underworld, will rule that each one can make a guess for dionne. The sheer volume of answers will render any minor prescient powers of Nostradamus useless. Dionne will crush puny Nostradamus with about as much effort as it takes our current president to smack up an intern.

- The syko 1, sykojojo


Let's decide by simple analysis...

Dionne Warwick predicts things like the Predator losing to Boba Fett(duh) and Brandie cheating on Her Man(tm). While this may be tragic to Joe, and Brandie, and possibly even Her Man(tm), it merely produces yawns from the rest of us.

Nostradamus (I shall refuse to call him N-Dawg) predicts things like giant snakes and wars and pestilence and death and Rivers That Run Red With Blood(tm) and other neat stuff like that. Plus he has a mystic(tm) sounding name.

And the final call is Nostradamus because he obviously has mentos-level coolness. Dionne doesn't even have tic-tac level coolness.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism


who were the 35 (currently and quite possibly hungover) people stupid enough to vote for Dionne? She couldn't pass a blood test, much less an IQ test or pass as a contender in grudge match. Dionne's infomercials sound like the Jerry Springer show ten times worse, the only difference being that the fat, trailor trash audience is at home instead of in the studio screaming Jerry 'till their lungs bust. Nostradamus's predictions were cool. Blood rivers, dragons, all that's missing is Pamela Anderson Lee and Bruce Willis, and it's the bad ass men-in-black summer hit of all time (think End of Days with a higher budget). Dionne- about the most intresting thing I can think of to do with her is calling up the hotline and simply asking "Guess." Within a few months she'll be her natural preliposuction 999lb. self, complete with crappy timeslot on cheesy decorating show and possible fashion emergency canidacy. Nostradamus is a chillin' dead dude 9tm) and thus won't have these problems. The guy also has the awesome power of something mightier than the rage, cooler than mentos, and able to cause more bloodshed than Carrie at the international cheerleading face-off. It's the Force of Total Insanity. That's gotta count for something. He was a raving lunatic/mentos cool hermit who's still remembered today. In centuries, who the hell will mention Dionne?

- x-los, who would make it known that she believes Dionne to be, and I quote, "Screachy"


Dionne Warwick will win. Here's why:

1. You don't need to be psychic to win Match Game. If you can come up with the most obvious answer every time (the most obvious answer to the question listed in the scenario by the way is diaphragm. Dumb Dora is so dumb the first thing she removes before making whoopee is her diaphragm.) you are guaranteed at least one or two matches by the end of the game.

2. While Dionne "Psychic to the Trailer Trash" Warwick gets by giving the most obvious answers (which is what she always does), Nostradamus will be be giving answers to questions from the most recent incarnation of Match Game. He'll be making references to Microsoft and Bill Clinton's willy and everyone will be sitting there wondering what in hell he's talking about.

On a lighter note, just before it is cancelled producers of the most recent version of Match Game will pull a unique ratings stunt. Nostradamus will be cut from his appearance on Match Game '77 and inserted Forest Gump style into the episode he actually won 20 years earlier.

- Don "King" Milliken


It's simple, actually.

Most females goes through 3 stages of infatuation in life.

First is the 'Boy Toy' Stage. Characterized by N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, this is when girls go gaga over some 20- year-old "MUSIC" superstar. The poster sales alone could support several Third World countries.

Second is the "Hunk" Stage. Characterized by Arnold, Keanu, Leonardo (Yes, there is some mixing between these two stages), these media superstars managed to make millions of dollars with limited acting ability.

The last stage is the "Game Show Hosts" stage. Characterized by Sajak, Eubanks and Barker, this stage might be the least understood by pyschologists. How else can you explain the fact that Bob Barker probably has his own warehouse full of the "GIFTS" he has recieved over the years.

Why is this important?

Simple. Dionne wins easily. In that show, you have Richard Dawson. This man is the poster child for the Game Show stage. He has stolen more kisses from women (young, old, pretty, ugly, black, white, it never matters), that the legendary Captain Kirk lists him as one of his heroes!! They had to change the game later on to give other celebrities a chance in the Super Match bonus round because EVERY female picked Richard. Once Dionne looks at Richard, she loses ALL sense of diginity and blantantly attempts to pick him up. Being Match Game, she nails all 6 characters in the first round. Nostradamus tries, but Charles Nelson Reilly's mind just is too illogical.

The Super Match bonus round? Well, let's just say that Fox is going to pick it up for their next game show special.

- Little Mac


Our contestants ponder the question, under the watchful gaze of The Amazing Randi, world-renowned debunker and guest off-screen judge on today's episode. There'll be no shenanigans on this show ... except for the usual wackiness from the celebrity panelists.

Dionne gives her answer first: "cosmetics". A bantering Gene Rayburn asks whether she knows this from personal experience, getting nothing but coy silence in return.

Nostradamus's answer is a little more unorthodox: "garlic". He explains to Gene how garlic is used as a ward against the bubonic plague, but can't shake a sinking feeling.

The tenor of the celebrity answers is set by Nipsey Russell, so inspired by the question that he eschews his usual quatrain motif for a limerick:

Big Boris just got quite a shake-up,
And he's contemplating a breakup,
He expected delight
On his date Friday night,
Until Dora took off all her "MAKE-UP"!

That's a match for Dionne, and she gets three more from the panel. Brett Somers offered "wig", prompting some catty remarks from Charles Nelson Reilly, while Betty White blushes to admit she said "chastity belt".

"That was my second guess!" Nostradamus shouts, but it's too little, too late. Dionne is the big winner, using the prize money to fund a brand-new psychic phone service. (Yes, some people never learn.)

- Call me Shane


So we have pit the Great Grand-daddy of phychics and sooth-sayers against some black women I've never heard of. However if she's anything like the "phychics" I've seen on TV who respond to false sounding claims like "I love my boyfriend, but he just doesn't seem to love me back." Awww. And then the phychic says something like, "You didn't feel that way five weeks ago," or some such nonsense. Any idiot can see their just actors reading off of scripts. Don't even get me started on Tarot readers.

Nostradomus (did I spell that right?) however has hung on for centuries. Granted he may not be amazing enough to warrant that I memorize how to spell his name, but he has hung in there. If I, a child of the twentieth century have never heard of this "Dionne" fool, but am familiar with a man who lived in the 1600's, his power must be far greater. He predicted major, international events, he shouldn't have any trouble with something as simple as the word "Tennis," or "Bob." It is a little known fact that the two men who robbed Nostradomus's tomb died almost on the spot. So even should Dionne start to win all Old Nosty have to do is wave his fingers mystically and look at her cross-eyed; she'd keel over and croak.

- Sauron, Demi-god and All-Knowing Master of the Eight Eyed Bobs


I think everyone's missing THE most important point here: it doesn't matter WHOSE psychic abilities are superior, because all the game shows of the mid-70's were fixed. So, we have to turn to the age-old determinant of who wins game shows: who's more photogenic? Granted, Nostradamus has been dead for almost 400 years, but he's been out of his coffin for just about all of that period of time--no doubt getting a tan, working on his abs, doing all the things that dead prophets do with their free time. Dionne Warwick, on the other hand, is...well, Dionne Warwick, and I'm fairly sure even a nearly-completely- decomposed corpse such as Nostradamus can win two out of three falls with her in the looks department. Nostradamus takes the contest, but only after he seduces Betty White and gets her to throw the game his way.

- Ben


Only Nostril-damus has the psychic prowess to get the job done. He'll be throwing down predictions like they're going out of style. As an added bonus, he'll predict the end of the world:

Prithee, In the late twentiethe centurye, a new mode of communication ariseth. A sort of webbe that is world-wide. Forsooth, And the most popular thinge about this so-called webbe will be an area whereby intelligent youngsters pitteth popular culture icons against one another in fictitious situations. Rules applyeth to these humourous accounts of battle. No contestant from France can ever win, nor can any representative from a popular contemporary science fiction show I calleth "Wagon-train to the Stars."

Yea, verily, there will one daye be a matche in which there will be a contestant who is bothe French and a representative of the aforementioned showe. His firste name shall be Jean-Luc. N'uncle, this constestant winneth his match, contrary to the aforementioned rules. And the very fabric of the universe beginneth to tear, for 'tis the onset of Armageddonne!

- 1/2 Nelson


What everyone overlooking here is what is made obvious by the current vote tally:

Whether Nostradomus is a real psychic or not, nobody likes Ms. Warwick. Since game shows are there for ratings, and they are all obviously fixed (or, if you prefer, "doctored a bit"). How do you get ratings? Ruin and humiliate Dionne. On National TV.

My guess is, the only reason that she got any votes here at all is beacuse computer glitches caused people to accidentally click the wrong voting field...

- Cynicism


I voted for Dionne Warwick, but not because she has superior psychic ability. Both contestants have equal ability to predict the future; that is, none at all. Thus, the winner must be decided on the basis of familiarity and skill with the game. Nostradamus probably wouldn't even know what "whoopee" meant. So, Dionne is the clear winner.

- ~Adamanteus


Nostradamus is currently winning by 407 votes. Joe's Tilex-hazed prediction calls for Dionne to win by 537 votes. Wouldn't it be cool if Dionne lost by exactly 537 votes?

My vote's for Nostradamus.

- Jason Goodman


Even the Funniest's own Manical Malard, or as I like to call him, "The Killer Duck! (tm)" Knows that Dionne can't win. Just look at him. as his one ultra evil Darth Maul like tooth glints in the browser, doesn't he seem to be crying "Dionne can't win! Dionne can't win!" Or maybe it's just me.

- x_los, who has gone and was always insane (Sadly, It's duckaphrenia. Incurable)


I was just thinking that Nostradomas was the Nipppsy Russel of his time. I wonder if, a thousand years from now, people will reread N.'s couplets and say, "He predicted the coming of the six-armed alien plague, but the foolish people of his day ridiculed him. If only they would have listened, they could have been prepared and prevented so much misery." There will be entire cults that dedicate their lives to interpreting N.'s holy poetry. I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I guess I will vote for Dionne anyway. Think about it:

Gene: "President Carter was overheard saying, 'My economic policies are sending the country into the BLANK.'"

Nostradomas: "pit of fiery doom from which there is no escape, where the hell hounds of the dark one eat the livers from the aetherial bodies of the souls of the foulest sinners."

Charles Nelson Rielly: "I said 'toilet.'"

Just too much of a cultural difference here.

- jeff


Poor, poor, poor, poor Joe. Do you really think giving vague predictions that could mean anything is a bad thing in this match? The judges will obviously interpret them into the right answers:

GENE: My wife's cooking is so bad, she burns her BLANK.

NOSTRADOMUS: The diseased llama will be startled to find an extra liver on his mother's pillow in the valley of scary darkness.

GENE: Umm... Judges?*DING*

Dionne, on the other hand, will do nothing but delve into vague assumptions about Gene's personal life:

GENE: Dumb Dora is so dumb, she put her cat in the BLANK.

DIONNE: ...Now, does your spouse know you're seeing another man?

GENE: I... What?

DIONNE: Don't worry, honey, not only will your relationship last-- It's going to a higher level!

GENE: What the hell are you talking about?

DIONNE: All you have to do is say to yourself, "Maureen, I'm keeping my baby!"

GENE: That isn't even my name! SECURITY!

After Dionne is escorted out of the building, Nostradomus will be the winner by default.

- Vermin Boy


Let me look in the crystal ball and check out the vital issues in this match:

PSYCHIC STYLE: Nostradamus is a prophet. Unfortunately, his style of prophecy leaves something to be desired in specifics. Let me explain. To be a Nostradamus-like prophet, all you need to do is live by the following guidelines:

  • Be vague. The broader the prophecy, the better the chance of a hit. Whenever possible, use animals and other neutral symbols. They can mean anything.
  • Never ever put a time limit on the prediction. Chances are it will happen eventually.
  • If one of the prophecies is proven wrong in your lifetime (unlikely, but possible), just ignore it. If one proves "correct", point it out repeatedly.
So once you learn these simple rules, you can make your fortune in the lucrative field of prophecy. Unfortunately, it is a great way to lose at the Match Game. The typical Nostradamus answer will be something like "the silver tiger under the pale moon." Though there will be 200 books released showing through the use of anagrams and other ridiculous word tricks that he went 6-for-6 on every question on an episode three years later, I doubt the judges will be so forgiving.

Dionne Warwick on the other hand is a fake "psychic". To be a modern day psychic requires that you "sense" the obvious. Through your magical ESP, you can other-worldly tell that the customer is/was/will be in a romantic situation or has issues with money of some sort. Unless the mark is really weird, it is practically impossible to go wrong after a couple of tries. With this sort of training, Dionne will give obvious straightforward answers that have a good chance of being right. Dionne wins this one.

BACKGROUND: Nostradamus' background is a Christian Jew in Inquisition France. Dionne Warwick is an unemployed weird celebrity. The Match Game panel is made up of professional game show guests who haven't had a real job is twenty years. Seriously, has anyone ever seen Charles Nelson Reilly do anything besides game shows? Weird unemployed celebrities, meet a weird unemployed celebrity. We have a match.

MONEY SENSE: While Nostradamus did manage to scam a lot of cash for his astrological readings (complete with really bad handwriting to add to the charm and vagueness), if he had the smarts he would gotten an advance on the rights to the Sci-Fi original series First Wave. Instead, they base half their show on his predictions and he gets nothing. That has to be a first for a Jew in Hollywood. That does not bode well for a game show in which the goal is to win money.

Dionne, on the other hand, was the spokesperson for the now bankrupt "Psychic Friends Network." These nice people were so psychic that they billed me in advance for a service that I didn't want when I hadn't even inquired. Wasn't that nice of them to look into the future for me to save me the effort of a phone call? In any case, Dionne got paid. Even if she loses, I am sure that Nostradamus will be thrilled to give her the money for a one-of-a-kind enchanted amulet, known in the 20th century as a five dollar digital watch.

It doesn't take a psychic to tell that Dionne Warwick is going to win.

- Paul G.


Nostradamus will win. Dionne Warwick will win. Hey look, I'm psychic too! With 50% accuracy, no less.

- Kilgore Trout

THE FINAL WORD...

Nostradamus doesn't stand a chance because he doesn't have enough command of the English language to understand the First Law of Match Game: "If you have any opportunity, however small, to say 'boobs' or 'rear end', you must take it."

- Aero

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Andy Taylor v. The Cunninghams (featuring King Solomon)
Tasmanian Devil v. Paul Bunyan
Other Game Show based Grudge Matches™

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Next Match: Is that your final question?
ETA: Monday, May 15th, 2000

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