In a white, featureless boardroom, several intimidating, identically dressed men sit around a table. One stands, removes an earpiece and speaks, enunciating each word very carefully.
"Gentlemen, the situation is growing dire. Mr. Thomas A. Anderson is becoming more aware of the power he wields. Our very existence is in jeopardy." He frowns. "And we cannot defeat him with his ability to manipulate our reality."
"But there may be a way to stop him. There is another being, not of flesh and blood, who is also not bound by the limitations of physics. He has evaded and outsmarted us at every turn. He's the only other being to ever kill one of us. He used an anvil, I believe."
The other men wince.
"I believe that if these two were to have a confrontation, at least one of them will be destroyed." He replaces the earpiece. "I have a plan."
Later, in a lonely, western-looking plain.
An man on foot is fleeing a leather-clad man soaring overhead. To escape, the agent dives down a rabbit hole. Promptly, the hole's mildly startled owner jumps out and looks up.
"Ehh, what's up, Doc?" asks Bugs Bunny as he munches on a carrot. "If you don't mind, can you take this shindig out of my home? I was marinatin' carrots."
"Whoa!" replies a puzzled Neo. "Agent Smith, you cannot hide from me by wearing silly Easter Bunny costumes. Kiss your furry little tail goodbye!" He swoops down to attack.
Bugs is knocked over by the blow and tumbles over backwards. Once he stops, he stands and gets a wry look on his face. "Of course you know... dis means war!"
So, will the rogue rabbit rally or will the rabble-rousing renegade reign supreme?
Neo vs. Bugs Bunny
PAUL: Here we have two individuals who prevail because they can bend and break the rules of reality. And in this battle, Bugs is going to bend and Neo is going to break.
Bugs Bunny always wins. Throw what you will at him and he will adapt and overcome. Venus view-obsessed Martians are vanquished, the Abominable Snowman melts away and Bugs and Michael Jordan dunk to victory. You know the drill: Neo's guns won't work, Kung Fu is met with anvil enhanced rabbit punches, Keanu will be distracted by Celebrity Jeopardy!(tm), etc. And if all else fails, hare come the mind games. You know, the ability to convince Daffy Duck that it is indeed duck season after all and, furthermore, insist that Elmer Fudd shoot him and shoot him right now. When it comes to befuddling weak minds, the Jedi have nothing on Bugs Bunny.
And talking about weak minds, Neo is clueless. Throughout The Matrix, he is just one "DUH" after another. Duh, what is the Matrix? Duh, why do my eyes hurt? (You haven't used them before, like your brain). Duh, how do I get out of this alley that I am trapped in? (Fortunately, someone explained to him the concept of a "door".) All this duh-itude culminates in the beating he hands out to Agent Smith, during which Neo's facial expression can only be described as a dazed Forrest Gump. All in all, Neo is just another maroon.
In any case, Neo is really nothing special. What is his great ability? He can make a computer malfunction. Whoa! I work with computers and their users and I assure you that this is not an uncommon skill. For goodness sake, you can turn on any Windows PC and not only will it crash all on its own but it will probably provide a better acting job than Keanu Reeves (though that is another Grudge Match entirely). Anyway, how is this ability supposed to harm a 1940s technicolor cartoon? Bugs is too low-tech to be affected.
Neo is about to learn how deep this rabbit hole really goes, and he just made the wrong turn at Albuquerque.
DAVE: You stupid, stupid man. Neo already knows how deep the rabbit hole goes; that's his greatest advantage. He's become totally self-aware. Bugs, on the other hand, as a relic of the 1940s, has a lot of catching up to do. Before he can even assimilate the idea of futuristic machines keeping everybody in stasis, he's going to have to piece together how the world got there. And just try dealing with bell-bottoms, Joe Piscopo, and Pokémon at the same time. Bugs is going to be pretty shell-shocked.
Have you even watched The Matrix? Did your VCR cut out during the ending? You can say Neo was clueless, but stay away from that present tense, buster. It took Neo's incredibly powerful mind to accept his reality and begin to kick some agent ass. Bugs' victories are against yokels like Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam. Neo's a bit too suave to fall for his tricks. For example, the old "girl bunny" trick will surely backfire. Who needs an ugly transvestite rabbit when you've got Trinity waiting for you, dressed head to toe in leather. Whoa indeed.
Also, let's not forget who has the home-field advantage. Bugs is a wanderer, and doesn't know the rules that govern the Matrix. Neo, on the other hand, all but makes those rules. Another example: If Bugs manages to tie one shotgun into a knot, Neo can instantly have thousands more. Whereas Bugs is on his own, Neo has lots of backup. In addition to the programmer feeding him vital terrain information, he can call upon the infinite coolness of Morpheus to help dispatch Bugs. And Morpheus combines the KickAssery (tm) of Bruce Lee with the gentle wisdom of Yoda. Or was it the other way around? Either way, the Nebuchadnezzar crew will be dining on jugged hare that night.
PAUL: Dave don't know Bugs very well, do he?
A toon's survival depends on adaptability and Bugs, who always wins, is the master of it. The wascally wabbit has used Marvin the Martian's advanced technology against him without ever seeing it before. Once, he avoided a really bad situation by pulling himself out of the cartoon and cutting the film. That's adaptability. When Neo leaves the Matrix, he becomes a puny mortal with a hole in his head, sort of like Keanu Reeves.
Furthermore, this adaptability also provides the toon's ultimate weapon: indestructibility. It is practically impossible to kill a toon. Guns are useless. Trust me, if firearms could work, Hamtaro would have been off the air three televisions (and rounds) ago.
On the other hand, the Matrix is really just one big video game and Neo isn't very good at it. For instance, video game stud Duke Nukem can take a direct hit from a RPG, make a Mentos(tm) level coolness quip, stick a sawbuck in a stripper's g-string and then mutilate the alien scum that violated his space. For comparison, Neo takes a few bullets from one guy armed with a pistol and it's nap time. Anyway, Neo connects to the Matrix through the phone. What kind of serious gamer uses dial-up? Basically, we have a newbie who is about to get seriously fragged on the bunnyband.
I'm afraid Neo is about to lose his ping. Permanently. That's all, folks!
DAVE: Welcome to the real world, Paul. Your arguments reveal that your brain output is extraordinarily low. It's a wonder the machines even keep you around. So you think toons are indestructible? Do you not even know your own contestant's filmography? Check out Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Toons can be killed with a simple mixture of household chemicals. If Neo can have access to thousands of guns, a little turpentine should be no problem.
Roger Rabbit taught us something else: Toons can break the laws of physics (e.g. escaping a set of handcuffs), but only when it's funny to do so. Now, needless to say, Keanu Reeves isn't exactly a gifted comic foil (his attempts at Shakespeare are sad funny, not ha-ha funny). His mugging and general dimwittedness will not provide Bugs the comic opportunity he needs to break out the reality-bending slapstick. Moreover, it's a grim, sunless, post-apocalyptic world; people aren't going to be predisposed to laughter. Bugs will be all but helpless.
Face it, Paul. Bugs has done a lot of great things in his time, but he has never gone up against anyone like Neo. With his god-like abilities, the support of powerful friends, and... dare I suggest... predestination, there is no way that Neo could lose.
There is no
Well once Steven Spielberg gets ahold of this match-up, you do know what's going to happen in syndication this fall, don't you? He created Tiny Toon Adventures to cash in on one cash cow, and goodness knows he's probably chomping at the bit to do the other one...
We're Mini, We're Trixy, We fly like little pixies
So what is The Matrix? It's a whole fake world apart
The code is infected as Agent Smith inspected
They're children of Neo, they're Gene and Ginny Geo
In Matrix Training Programs we learn to free our minds
And now you know kung-fu!
- DEFCON 1
Neo and Bugs face off ten paces apart. Neo strikes a kung fu pose. Bugs chomps a carrot. Neo lets loose a martial arts yell and dives towards Bugs, arms and legs blurring, all deadly weapons. Neo's bunny crunching boot to the head freezes half an inch from contact as a phone rings somewhere underground. Bugs says "I'll be right back Doc" and dives into his hole. He pops up a second later holding an old style telephone (the kind with a dial and earpiece on a cord). He says "It's for you Doc". Neo reflexively takes the call and is sucked out of the Matrix. Bugs chuckles. "What a maroon! What an ultra maroon!"
Since Neo possesses neither a large family of turtles nor a Spear and Magic Helmet (tm), Bugs Bunny quickly takes the lead. As Neo prepares to fire his death-dealing pivot gun, Bugs uses the old "Hillbilly Hare" trick of plugging the muzzle with a carrot and waiting for the gun to explode on its user... except suddenly, the gun vanishes.
BUGS: What the in the name of Bob Clampett is going on?
(A mysterious MAN steps out of the shadows.)
MAN: Hi, Bugs, I'm the Cartoon Network censor. And you know we
love your work and all, but we have to make sure you don't do anything
that kids can imitate, so we just edited out that pesky gun gag.
(Neo grabs Bugs by the ears. Bugs hands Neo a stick of dynamite. Neo is unable to do a double-take, since this would require an actual facial expression, but the dynamite explodes anyway, and when the smoke clears, Neo's face is blacked up with soot.)
BUGS: That'll teach ya to be a big leather-wearin' palooka. Now do the Jack Benny and Rochester gag, like I told ya --
(WHAM! Another flash of light, and Bugs is once again in Neo's grasp and Neo is unharmed.)
BUGS: Sweet merciful I. Freleng, what happened?
(Bugs pulls out a gun and prepares to shoot himself...but the gun disappears.)
CENSOR: Surely you know that suicide gags are just not the thing,
(Bugs loses it and runs screaming into the distance.)
NEO: Thanks, dude. No one's reality-warping powers can compare to yours.
(The censor pulls off a rubber mask, revealing himself to be BILL PRESTON.)
BILL: No problem, dude. The Cartoon Network said I have just the right I.Q. needed to be a censor.
- Captain Corcoran
Although I could fill several RACKS of volumes with reasons why The Once And Future Uber-Rabbit (TM) should triumph, they can pretty much all be summed up in one simple statement:
NEO OWES HIS FAME TO BUGS!
In the tradition of great films of days past, to what does "The Matrix Reloaded" arguably owe its initial fandom to? That's right, a series of CARTOONS: "The Animatrix" (just ask my friend Alesandro, who has used up what seems like several million megabytes on my fiancee's computer downloading all of them). From their employment as animated pre-show shorts to inserting alongside live actors ("Space Jam", "Pete's Dragon", et al), to their arguably having inspired the staple upon which action films practically depend on now more than ticket sales (CGI), Hollywood has owed a great deal of its success to the two-dimensional since time out of mind.
If anything happens here, it'll be Neo asking Bugs for mentoring. You recall that Neo was felled in the first film once he slowed down long enough to actually get shot. Let's see the look on Agent Smith's face when Neo bounces back after having a piano dropped on him. God knows Bugs could teach him a hell of a lot more about survival then some muppet with the voice of (former Grudge loser) Grover.
(Or, if Bugs decides to cut the crap and dispose of Neo, that's fine by me too. Anyone who destroys an otherwise perfect production of Dracula deserves to be worm food, in my book.)
- RoboGoober Version 2 (when asked to choose between the red pill and the blue pill, I'd rather just have a V8)
Hmm, this is a tough one to call. Bugs Bunny and Neo are wildly dissimilar, but fortunately there is a yardstick. Elves.
Neo is capable of beating Agent Smith. According to Grudge Match Bylaws(tm) any character is assumed to equal any other character played by the same actor. In this case, we use Elrond, an elf.
Therefore: Neo > Elf.
Now, few people know that Bugs's record is not unblemished. In a WW2 era cartoon, he gets outmanuverred, humiliated, and outclassed by an airplane gremlin. A gremlin, according to General Fantasy Role- Playing opinion, is a subclass of elf.
Therefore: Bugs < Elf.
Neo wins, by a hare.
There are three distinct stages in every man's life.
In the first stage, Bugs Bunny is clearly cooler than Neo because Bugs stars in cartoons with bright colours and constant movement, while Neo is just a boring character on one of those scary movies your parents watch. In this stage, entertainment is the deciding factor.
In the second stage, Neo is clearly cooler than Bugs because "everybody" knows that only losers watch cartoons, while Neo wears leather, uses big guns, occasionally is in the same frame as a leather-clad Carrie-Anne Moss, and has electric guitars on the soundtrack. In this stage, compensating for insecurity with one's manhood is the deciding factor.
In the third stage, Bugs is now irrevocably cooler than Neo, because Bugs is a heck of a lot more likable, is a much better actor, and has that devil-may-care attitude that we all wish we could possess. In the third stage, we have matured and come to terms with who we are, and know that when Keanu and Carrie are old and grey, slaughtering people with guns is recognized as idiotic, and leather is out of style again, Bugs will still be as cool and likable as ever.
Bugs was cool before MENTOS were manufactured, a part of pop culture before Mr. T was born, and participating in violent but wacky competition before Gary Coleman vs. Webster graced the Internet.
Thus, even if Neo gets more votes, since his supporters are in Stage 2, the majority of the responses will consist of "N30 h@Z tEh B1g GuNNzez! bUgZ i2 tEh g@Y!" Who has really won in that case?
- Oxymoron - "How can you win, Mr. Anderson, if your head has been squashed into an accordion?"
Neo and Bugs have one very important factor in common: They both rely on animation techniques for their special powers. It's true that computer animation provides faster and more realistic results than traditional cel animation, but it also costs a whole heck of a lot more. When it comes down to it, Neo has what, two films worth of experience? Bugs has dozens of films shorts, features and television appearances spread out over the last 60 years! By the time Neo runs through his bag of tricks and has to start repeating himself, Bugs will still have 99.8% of his film canon to fall back on. Once his producers have to start cranking out new moves for him at about a thousand bucks a second with no immediate return, they'll pull the plug on Neo's dumb ass so fast it'll make your head spin.
Besides, they both work for Warner Brothers. Who do you think the big bosses will side with when two of their biggest moneymakers go mano a rabbito? Tell me, when was the last time you saw Neo standing in front of a Warner Brothers logo?
- Don "King" Milliken
The answer to who wins this match lies within WWWF Grudge Match history.
Neo: Lost with Bill to Wayne & Garth. Won tied with Shatner over two others. Which makes his won/lost record 0.5-1.
Bugs: Never been in a WWWF match himself, but Speedy Gonzalez and Daffy Duck both represented the Looney Toons well. In addition, Bugs regularly beats Daffy (a Grudge Match winner!) and makes him look foolish in the process. If you can so humiliate a WWWF winner, then you must have WWWF power yourself. Bugs can also call on fellow Warner Brothers creation the Gremlins (also winners), once the desert sun goes down of course.
But wait! Neo has a time machine in a phone booth at his disposal, and he was schooled in the WWWF universe by Yoda. So Neo must therefore know the ways of the Force. Bugs has a limitless supply of dynamite, though.
This is shaping up as a battle for the ages, and will no doubt leave the desert a mess from all the fighting. My vote goes to the company that gets the fat federal contract to clean the whole thing up afterward.
- mtk1701 (ain't I a stinker?)
I'm sick and tired of this! Each and every week, I pour my soul onto the screen, trying to be funny, but you don't listen! YOU DON'T LISTEN! You people hate me right? You all hate me! I give up! I just give up...
I just wrote a responce, didn't I?
- The Hooligan Of Doom, who's severely pissed, nay, filled with The Rage(TM)!
Foolish commentators! Bugs Bunny has died before! Don't you remember "What's Opera, Doc?" when Elmer Fudd is Thor, and he summons the powers of nature to kill the wabbit? To kill the wabbit?
Since Keanu Reeves and Elmer Fudd share an IQ score of 12, and control the forces of their respective realities, both will be victorious.
- Grudge-Pops: Thunder! Lightning! SMOG!
Actually, Bugs resurrects at the end of the cartoon to ask the audience "Well, what did you expect in an opera, a happy ending?" Do you really want Keanu to do opera??? - Eds.
Gentlemen, in cases such as this, we must turn to pure logic to determine the out come:
Bugs Bunny: Never hit by bullets fired at him. Hitting Bugs with a round is impossible.
Neo: Also impossible to hit with a bullet. Can take down Agents hand to hand, meaning he is capable of performing impossible tasks, ie; hitting Bugs with a bullet. (And we know that he probably won't even need bullets now.)
Therefore, the only conclusion we can come to is, Neo does what no bald headed, speach impaired, schmuck or diminuitive gunslinger could ever do: Send Bugs back to the hole for good.
Besides, Neo would never fall for the old Bugs in drag routine... he's got Trinity in all her gorgeous, wet-look leather glory.
- Walker: Plexus Ranger
Are you kidding? COME ON! I mean, I like Matrix, and I'm looking forward to seeing Matrix Reloaded, but Neo's DUMB! Don't believe me? Go to this site
And watch the movie. The guy who did this flash cartoon hit the nail on the head of how gullible Neo is. That's all I'm going to say about that, and for the sixty some people who voted for Neo, stop banging the mouse on your head to click your choices, you're going to cause permanent damage soon.
"Toons can break the laws of physics (e.g. escaping a set of handcuffs), but only when it's funny to do so."
Oh yeah? Scrappy Doo broke all sorts of laws of physics, and I think we can all agree he was nowhere near funny. Bugs wins before you can say "Puppy power!"
Even though I have never seen "The Matrix" and probably won't, this match still goes to Neo for several reasons.
First, Neo has access to a vast budget. "The Matrix" cost $60 million, and each of the two sequels costs well over $100 million. This would give Neo funding on the level of a moderately major space probe. On the other hand, just about all of Bugs Bunny's films (except for "Space Jam") were produced on the cheap by the grossly underpaid Warner Brothers animation staff working in a small, rundown building on the Warner lot nicknamed "Termite Terrace". So, Bugs has definite funding problems.
Not only that, but Bugs is entering this match really underpowered. Throughout the peak of his career, the voice was done by Mel Blanc, the undisputed all-time master of cartoon voice work. But guess what? He isn't around any more. Now, his voice is done by some lesser talent. Whereas Neo doesn't need anyone else to speak for him. Another advantage for Neo.
Then there is the matter of allies. The best Bugs can muster are the Looney Tunes characters, some NBA players, and maybe the Animaniacs. That's it. But Neo is a different story. In addition to the ultra- cool Morpheus, Neo has some other powerful help. Remember that Keanu Reeves also appeared in the "Bill and Ted" movies. This gives him access not only to time travel (an incredibly potent advantage in any competition), but also to Rufus, who was portrayed by George Carlin, a legend of standup comedy and cooler than Mentos. Against such power allies, Bugs doesn't stand a chance.
What will most likely happen is that Morpheus and Rufus will show up early in the match. Rufus will then switch to George Carlin mode and make the logical observation (the only kind Carlin makes) that cartoon characters are vulnerable to all manner of cleaning solvents. After a little prompting from Morpheus, Neo will conjure up a quantity of such solvent and dissolve poor old Bugs to a multicolored puddle of ink and clear celluloid material.
- The Demented Astronomer
"No one who has fought an agent has survived." That's the key to this battle. In the first movie, Morpheus reveals that everyone who's fought an agent like Smith has died. No winners ever.
However, according to the agents themselves, Bugs has killed an agent, just as Neo did at the end of the first Matrix movie. This leaves two conclusions:
1. Bugs did it after the movie. Unlikely. Somehow, I doubt this meeting would be postponed for long after Thomas Anderson becomes strong, and thus they would just be getting info about, not recalling painfully, Bugs's victory.
2. Bugs did this a while back and has kept his win hidden from all but the agents. This is more likely. He must have kept the kill hidden from Morpheus, or he'd be in training. Likewise, if Bugs killed an agent without knowing what the Matrix is, you better believe they'll avoid rabbit holes.
If two is the logical conclusion, we can make one last inference: Bugs Bunny is the One. He is the One who will turn the tide in the war and end the Matrix, NOT Neo. Neo's just who Morpheus THINKS is the One. Come on, the guy PUKED after hearing what the Matrix is! And he failed the jump. No one ever succeeds at first, Cypher? Bugs has been doing that jump-and more-for around sixty years, unnoticed, and has been bending every other law of the Matrix without the help of hackers and the real world.
And Neo? He was destined to do this fight so Morpheus could find- and train-Bugs to finally take down the machine overlords and free humanity-and, apparently, rabbitkind. Expect a grey hare in leather in theaters soon...
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee "But what is real, Doc?"
Hmmmm…that response was thoughtful and well-reasoned. I hereby declare you sane. Grudge Match will now be accepting applications for Lunatic-in-Residence -Dave
Neo can bend the laws of physics at his will, has friends he can call on for help, and is basically immortal. But Bugs has one thing that Neo doesn't: he is a god. Yes, you read that right: Bugs is a card-carrying deity. He is the same god that was represented in other cultures as Loki or the Spider. He is the trickster god, always creating mischief for his own amusement. If he needs to, he could call down upon the other American deities (such as Superman and Uncle Sam) to annihilate Neo for him.
But he won't. He'd much rather deal with Neo his own way, breaking not Neo's body but his mind. Maybe Neo won't be sexually attracted to Bugs-as-female-rabbit, but seeing a rabbit standing on its hind legs and wearing revealing clothing certainly must be unnerving. Bugs will use his superior comic abilities to dazzle Neo into submission. And don't get me started on dialog. I've seen AI programs that exist today which are more interesting to talk to than Neo. Bugs will make joke after joke after joke -- all at Neo's expense. By the time it's over, Neo will be begging Bugs to give him a phone -- only to find a joy buzzer hidden in the speaker. Every mind will crack after enough time.
Even if Neo is representative of Jesus, Bugs represents God, and this time, Daddy's going to teach Junior a little lesson. A lesson he'll never forget.
- Randall (http://www.rwald.com)
Neo can manipulate the Matrix, but he can't create stuff: his "operator" has to do that. So Neo can't kill Bugs with The Dip. Besides, you think Judge Doom is going to give the recepie out to some greasemonkey named "Tank"?
We also learned from Roger Rabbit that toons can die from laughter: the only way for Neo to kill Bugs and win the match is to make Bugs laugh. So Keanau starts channeling Wild Stallions.
As soon as that happens, Bugs looks into the camera and starts flipping through his signs: Screwball, Bats in the Belfery...
Keanau, still channeling Ted "Theodore" Logan's stoned mind, thinks this is the most hilariously awesome thing since "melvins", and starts laughing.
And keeps laughing.
And Neo's digital image (aka, cartoon) blows up; a white Neo-ghost floats up strumming a harp. Bugs shoos Agent Smith out of his hole and goes back to marinating his carrots.
- Yosemitie Samantha
Well, dudes, I hate to, like, side with Keanu, but you, y'know, leave me no choice. I just cannot respect Bugs' competition. Seriously, they're all so frigging lovable! Even Yosemite Sam, a South American, can be loved by the rest of the world.
Compare this with Neo's nemesis: Agent Smith, AKA Hugo Weaving. He may have been in Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, but that man can be seriously creepy if he wants to be. Hell, he's the Australian Christopher Walken. Now, who takes more balls to have a staring contest with: Walken, or Elmer Fudd?
Mr. Anderson used to help his landlady take out her garbage. Now, Bugs is in the trashcan.
- Mixmaster Flibble
Neo will have this one in the bag. Why? Two words: protein goop. That's right, protein goop. That's all he's had to eat now he's in the real world, after all. So, what would he rather have? Rabbit or *more* protein goop?
Rabbit Stew in as long as it takes to bend a spoon.
- In A Circle Of Stars
I am an avid grudge match enthusiast. While grudge match has MANY imitators(the most annoying being CBUB), grudge match easily out classes them all. I have been an avid grudge match fan since the infamous "Battle of the Batmen"(and I STILL feel that match was robbed from Val Kilmer) and I love voting for your matches. However, this match is easily the most painful one to vote for. Do I vote for the greatest cartoon character who has made people laugh and forget their problems for the last 70 years or the man who single handidly reinvented the action genre. Speed is easily one of my favorite movies. However, as painful as this is, I have to choose Bugs Bunny. NO ONE EVER BEAT HIM. Ever. Thats one helluva track record. He is the ORIGINAL action hero. Keanu reeves can call upon his other ubercool tough guy persona Jack Traven courtesy of Speed. Even here Bugs has him beat. Bugs has been Superman, a hunter(which means former grudge match champion Charlton Heston has his back), he even fought in World War 2 as a Marine! Hes gone toe to toe with Frankenstein and Dracula which makes him the original Dr. Van Hesling. My final two points as to why Bugs would win are as follows.
1. Warner Brothers characters are 2 and 0 for their grudge match record.After this match, they will be 3 and 0.
and even more importantly
2. Bugs Bunny repeatedly gave Daffy Duck a trashing. AND DAFFY IS A GRUDGE MATCH CHAMPION!
Bottom Line, If Bugs has what it takes to regularly kick the ass of a grudge match chapion, then he has my vote.
Now I want to see Bugs kick that wussy Mickey Mouse's ass!
- Dirty Harry Callahan
Bugs has lost before to Daffy Duck. Big Game 29: Bugs vs. Daffy, from three years ago, has shown that Daffy has the ability to defeat Bugs. If you need the tape to prove it I can mail it to you. If Daffy can pull off an upset against Bugs, this will be a cakewalk for Neo and company.
I was going to vote for Neo, but then I noticed Dave's last comment -- he seemed to think Neo's lack of humor would prevent Bugs' victory. Then it hit me. In a confrontation between Bugs and a character without humor, who wins? Marvin the Martian can tell us that it ain't the humorless one. Bugs is bound by cartoon law to make the serious ridiculous.
- Trinity Has A New Man
Morpheus is infinetely cool? Morpheus used to be a second tier character on the pee-wee-herman show for pete's sake. And we all know about pee-wee herman (and what he did).
- Potman the predator
If it is a Dark and Dingy world, why does everyone wear sun-glasses?
How am I ment to vote for someone whose mentor has broken his specs, and hasn't worked out that you can use stickytape to fix the arms back on?
Question: If there is no spoon, how am I ment to eat my soup?
- Listy the treadhead
Oooo, Neo knows kung fu. So did the Power Rangers, and look how they fared against the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (soon to be Middle-Aged Radiation Exposed Arthritis Plagued Reptiles)! Now Bugs... hoo boy, what about Bugs. HE'S IMMORTAL!!! He's over fifty years old, but he still looks as fresh and furry as he did in his debut picture. He's one of the most successful cartoon characters in history, probably after the evil Disney rodent. Find a kid who doesn't know the name of Bugs Bunny, or "Nyeh, what's up, doc?" Not to mention he had a successful movie with Michael Jordan, Lord of the Net. Neo uses the Net (or something similar) to become what he is now! So, Bugs could just call in his old pal Mike, and the Lord of the Net disconnects Neo. Bye-bye kung fu!
- Bitter Psycho Chick
Neo: Okay, Smith. I defeated you once, and I can do it again.
Bugs: I wouldn't recommend doin' that, mac. You can get in real trouble shootin' agents out of season.
Bugs: It ain't Agent Season. Check the sign.
*points to a plain wooden sign that has "NEO SEASON" painted on it*
Neo: No way. It's always Agent Season.
*Elmer Fudd appears out of nowhere, and fires his shotgun at Neo. Neo's hair is blasted backwards, and his sunglasses spin around his head, stopping at the back of his head. Neo readjusts them to their proper place*
Neo: Dude, you're despicable.
*Elmer takes another shot, Neo dodges, and the chase continues into the horizon. Bugs takes a bite of his carrot*
Bugs: So long, Neo! See you in Rio! (turns to audience) Ain't I a stinker?
- Tracer Malone (a-be-a-be-a-be-a-be That's All, Folks!)
Bugs Bunny has been bending the laws of physics well before Neo was even cloned and hooked up in the power plant. Bugs has tricks up his sleeves that Neo has yet to begin to comprehend. Sure, he can stop multiple bullets, but can he stop multiple anvils?? Maybe, it's a stretch. Or what about the portable hole?? All bugs has to do is hold one of those up when Neo comes in for another attack, Neo goes into it and Bugs folds it up and puts it away, so that Neo cannot escape from the hole. Or, what if Bugs really wants to mess with Neo's head?? Sure, there might not be a spoon, but what if Bugs shows up with a spork?? You know, one of those plastic combinations of a fork and spoon? Its going to take Neo days to figure that one out, and buy about that time, Bugs could easily equip the agents with enuff sporks to Spork Neo to death with them.
- BIGMRG74 - check with your parents first though kids, to see if they will let you keep Oxymoron's Tag Line Writer as a pet ok?
Here I was, all nice and asleep in my cubicle, when one of my buddys came over and told me about Bugs and Neo. I logged on and carefully read the commentary when I decided that Paul should have been allowed to beat Dave to death with a rock. A big and pointy rock. I think granite would work best.
To explain my attitude I must cite the fact that Dave brought Roger Rabbit into play. Up until that moment, I was for Neo but by mentioning that unholy movie you have unleashed a Jihad. A Jihad that makes even the strongest of mortals tremble in fear. The Dreaded Disney Jihad (there is no Jihad).
Disney owns Bugs Bunny's soul. It's a standard requirement to work for The Mouse. Even though his role in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" was brief his soul has been sacrificed as an offering at the Altar of Walt.
The Mouse takes care of his own and Bugs is a senior advisor to Disney Reich. When he says "this means war" we're talking Judgement Day children. The House The Mouse Built has over 27 victors under its banner here on the Grudge Match but I'll just list the stronger ones:
-Tarzan (his rival was Aqua Man but a win is a win)
The Mouse has many winners for friends and also has an alliance with Microsoft. If you don't believe that the Grudge Match can predict the future, go ahead and log onto http://kids.msn.com/kidz/disney/ and find out the truth!
I could go on but it's pretty clear that Disney has some serious clout at WWWF Head Quarters. I thought about referencing Warner Brothers but decided not to after I realized that both Neo and Bugs work for them. Besides, WB is gonna stay well clear of this match as they don't want to give Mickey a reason to come a knockin!
Neo is all alone. He can't even get to a phone to escape as AT&T will cut off his way out. Death itself holds no release as MGM Studios made the Bill and Ted franchise. Bugs will win when he quietly tells Neo that he belongs to The Mouse now.
Watch TV very carefully folks and you'll soon see an ad that Keanu Reeves will be the star of Disney's next CGI film "Tron 2".
- -SXS (Yes, I did work for The Mouse but now I work for Big Brother)
Neo uses firearms. Bugs is always at his most dangerous when he has just been plugged full of holes, leading to this climactic scene:
Neo fires off a round of automatic fire. Bugs clutches his heart and falls.
"Ah, you got me, doc. It's over for me now ..."
Neo, weeping in spite of himself, "I killed the rabbit ..."
"It's OK, doc, but there's one last thing I wanted to see before everything fades to black ..."
"Anything ... anything ..."
Bugs indicates a nearby building.
"It's right in there, doc. Just take me there."
Neo lifts Bugs and carries him inside. It's an empty movie theater with thousands, millions of seats.
"The light," Bugs gasps. "Look to the light ..."
And, off in the direction all the seats are facing, the horizon brightens. Only instead of a sunrise, a vast theater screen lights up with the opening moments of "Johnny Mnemonic."
Neo screams then sinks comatose into one of the seats. Bugs jumps up, kisses him on the cheek and zips off, leaving Neo alone amid the acres upon acres of empty seats. "Johnny Mnemonic" continues unimpeded.
Cut to Morpheus in the submarine, slowly disconnecting Neo from the Matrix.
"We lost him," Morpheus sighs. "Th.. that's all folks."
Both of the contestants are GOOD GUYS. The way I see it, About 15 minutes into the fight, Neo sees the innate nobility of this creature and decides to free him. Add one red carrot and you have one kick ass supporting character in the Matrix sequels.
- Lazi I'd Syco
"Duh, there is no anvil."
- Booster Terrik
Get real. When has Bugs Bunny ever failed against an opponent with a gun? The moment Neo aims his gun at Bugs, Bugs will just stick his finger in it, resulting in an explosion that will leave Neo charred and goofy-looking and leaving Bugs perfectly fine. Bugs will then make an outdated reference to a movie from the 30s and the camera will iris out as cartoon music plays!
Besides, I voted for Bugs because I'm going to puke if I hear any more about that freakin' load of pretentious crap special-effects showcase Matrix...
Are you sure you want to delete the Matrix?
yes, Yes, YES, FOR THE LOVE OF WHAT LITTLE INTELLECTUAL INTEGRITY REMAINS IN SCI-FI, YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
- The Mysterious Dr. X (give me a sci-fi movie with rubbery monster costumes any ol' day)
Dave, Dave, Dave. You obviously have been brainwashed by the Matrix. Comedy will always prevail! You think being old makes comedy stale, but what about the Marx Brothers (TM)? You think that no material can be provided for comedy here, but how do you think Mike and the Bots (TM) survived all those years? Comedy will always find a way!
Neo's not going to stand a chance against Bugs; not even his most classic lines and scenes can help him. He says, "There is no spoon," and Bugs will bring around a talking, ticked-off spoon that declares it DOES exists, and it will beat Neo around. Neo will then open his leather jacket to reveal his cast array of firearms. Bugs will note, and open his fur to reveal a boxing glove, which shoots out and nails Neo. Neo then opens fire on the rabbit, but he dodges in slow-motion, his body bending like silly putty while he makes faces. In the end, Bugs tells him to quit; Neo says he has a better idea, and gives him the finger. Bugs pulls a book out of nowhere, opens it up to display the message, 'IT IS IMPOLITE TO GIVE THE FINGER' and then slam it shut on Neo's middle finger.
Trinity's no help either. She'll put her gun to Bugs's head and say, "Dodge this." After a shot and a puff of cartoon smoke, Bugs will be seen lying back in a lawn chair, eating a carrot, and have sixteen signs around him that say, 'Missed me, woman!' A few rabbit-kicks later, Trinity's on the floor gasping, and utters, "Get up, Trinity!" Then a springboard springs her into the air, and Bugs (who broke every law of physic known to man to get it there) will comment, "Will that help, miss?"
Morpheous is not going to come anywhere close. He'll offer two jellybeans to Bugs, and the gray rabbit will eat both! Reality will warp and crash all around him, and Bugs will walk sayig, "Can't choose between cherry and blueberry! Sorry, doc!"
Tank won't be able assist Neo either. He'll pull out that huge electric gun, and blast the bunny with it, but Bugs won't seem fazed. Then Bugs will just shuffle his feet against the carpet, and give Tank a REAL shock!
Even the agents won't be able to stop Bugs. After several cross-dressing scenes, dropping down moving rabbit holes, and quintuple kicks later (all preformed by Bugs, of course), Bugs and Agent Smith will be on the train tracks. Smith having Bugs in a headlock, will be blabbering, "Do you hear that, Mr. Rabbit? That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Rabbit." Bugs will have slipped out of his grasp without him knowing, and have replaced himself with a sign that says, 'My name is Bugs, idiot!' With an explosion of cartoon stars, the agent is crushed, and Bugs has another carrot.
The Matrix itself will be crushed by Bugs later, and the remains will somehow land on the accident-prone Wile E. Coyote (TM). Hopefully, the movie sequels of the Matrix coming out won't be crippling Bugs's obvious victory. Because Bugs is the only one who will be doing the crippling here.
T-t-t-t-t-t-that's all, folks!
- Groucho Magmarx
I'm voting for Bugs and I'll tell you why. My family was directly involved in releasing Keanu Reeves "acting skills" on the world. You see, in a far away places, called Toronto in the early 80's, Mr. Reeves was working in a theater in T.O. My mother was the assistant to the director of the place, (who only hired Keanu because his was gay(the director, not Keanu) and he thought the Keanu had a nice butt.) Anyway, Reeves was there for awhile, but decided he'd rather act in the states. However, he didn't have his green card. So the director told my mother to pull some strings to hurry up the process, and cheat the system in return for getting a raise. Now since there was a recession and my mother was preggers with myself, she did as she was told and Mr. Reeves got his green card. You all know the rest of the story. Thanks to my mom, Keanu was released on the world maybe years before he should have been. If Bugs wins, I can restore my family honour. May God have mercy on my soul.
- The Amazing Fat Man
In sports, you prepare for a competition by studying the game films of your opponent. If Neo study's Bugs' films, he's got it won. If Neo doesn't study Bugs' films, Bugs wins.
In studying film, Neo will learn that, in Bugs Bunny's world, ignorance is an excuse. When Bugs' walks over a cliff, he doesn't fall. When asked about the law of gravity, he replies, "Oh, I never studied law." So Bugs' is given a book titled "Law." He starts a- readin', then he starts a-plummetin'. Once Bugs learns, he must obey.
Since Bugs is weak on the laws of physics, he won't have to obey them- -until Neo teaches them to Bugs (preferably with signs on sticks). Neo can counter any of Bugs' moves with a sign on a stick. We'll, know the end is imminent for Bugs when Neo holds up a sign reading "That's all folks."
If Neo plays his placards right, he'll beat Bugs.
- Mark Wentz
"Eh, Doc, just try to realize the truth."
"There is no me."
While Neo tries in vain to think his way out of this one (and trust me folks, it could take a while), Bugs administers and carrot to the left temple.
P.S. If the body can not live without the mind, why is Neo still alive?
- Fred, the Rabid Nutria
Dave, in his last commentary, cites Who Framed Roger Rabbit? as establishing that toons can only break the laws of physics when funny. Disregarding the inherent paradox of the situation he presents (Could Roger only remove his hand from the cuffs at that moment, or did he set it up so he could make that very comment? In other words, what's actually the funny part: the act or the punchline?), Dave is forgetting the difference between Roger and Bugs.
Roger is a figure of mockery, as made abundantly clear in the opening cartoon of "Kitchen Trouble" in the film. Bugs is a rarity among cartoon all-stars: a comic HERO. I defer to Chuck Jones in his autobiography, Chuck Amuck: "It is a very simple formula. Bugs resists in every way he can imagine, and he is a very imaginative rabbit. He is also that unusual comedian: a comic hero, and there are very few. Bugs is what I would like to be: debonair, quick-witted, very fast on the comeback, a sort of male Dorothy Parkerish D'Artagnan."
Simply put, Bugs is one of the few cartoon characters ever created who can actually utilize cartoon logic for his own purposes, instead of it merely being a defense for why he's still alive (like Roger, Daffy, Elmer, and so many others). And face facts: there is no force in existence more powerful than cartoon logic.
- Alex Weitzman
Oh, please. First of all, using "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" to say anything about Bugs is like using "Dogma" as an indictment against the Catholic Church. It just ain't gonna work that well.
Anyway, there's one major factor in play here that stacks the deck entirely against Neo: HE IS THE AGGRESSOR.
You see, Bugs (or at least the Bugs we all know and love) ALWAYS wins when he is the victim. He's just trying to live his life, minding his own business, when Elmer or Sam or Daffy or whoever starts mucking about and trying to bring poor Bugs down. He'd be more than glad to leave that opera star alone, if only he'd ask nicely for some quiet to rehearse. But the minute he slams that tuba over Bugs' head, his fate is sealed. Hunters, ducks, con men, Martians... They've all tried to cross Bugs, and all have seen the error of their ways, sadly too late. The REALLY unlucky ones heard, as the setup so aptly (mis)quoted: "Of course you realize, THIS means WAR." Whenever Bugs goes out of his way to be mean, then, and ONLY then, does he lose (see "Rhapsody Rabbit" for a rare example).
So you see, Bugs is only the sweet, helpless critter he seems to be when he's left alone and happy. Only when he's threatened does he unleash his dread Powers of Unconvincing Yet Convincing Cross-Dressing (you underestimate his attractiveness - a little leather and Neo will be lapping at Bugs' ample and lucky feet, Carrie-Ann Moss or no) to bring some semblance of order back into his life. By then, nothing in Heaven, Earth, Matrix, or Zion will keep Bugs from regaining his equilibrium. Neo's firearms will be tied in knots or plugged with gloved fingers. Signs proclaiming "NEO SEASON" will start popping up. Heck, Bugs may even pull a "Duck Amuck" and start painting Neo in polka dots! As long as Bugs just wants to be left alone, and Neo won't let him, the outcome is a lock. Heck, why didn't you just have Bugs singing "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover" before Neo came along and make the outcome a certainty?
Sorry, Neo, but the fat lady has sung... And it's Bugs dressed up as Brunnhilda.
Oh, and by the way: Saying that Neo is "puzzled" is like saying that the Kilauea volcano is "a little warm."
- Leaper (Ain't I a stinker?)
Neo will have little chance of surviving when he picks up a telephone only to find just a little too late that he's holding a stick of dynamite. Granted, this will merely cause his head to turn ashen, but it will give Keanu a much needed makeover. Also, if Neo's forced to chase Bugs anywhere, all bugs need do is run into a door, where an unsuspecting neo will take a cannonball to his pancreas. The worst Neo can do to Bugs is shoot him, which will cause Bugs to be retain water for a few minutes. Bugs will feed Neo nibblets to Taz
- Shannon the insipid
Bugs Bunny is always a winner. And as we all know here is the simple reasoning: ACME and reproduction. With the weaponry yielded by Acme our lil friend just has to click his fingers and he has the whole Loony Tunes world and Michael Jordan behind his back, all armed with TNT, anvils, and the ability to take anything that is thrown at them. Now lil wabbits reproduce like no other, just look at that 20 second Toys R Us commercial when 1 bunny turns into a bajillion lil furballs. Just like lil chihuahua's in real life taking on a rottweiler, the lil bunny's led by their leader Bugs will out-right maim Neo by nawing off his neck just like the Killer Bunny out of Monty Python: Quest for the Holy Grail. Besides: Where is Neo anyway? Bugs also always gets the girl, so even if you pull that Neo is the One. You are completely right. Bugs steals Trinity away from Neo and Neo either kills himself or he realizes he's gay and runs to his new boyfriend Mr. Smith...go figure. the bunny wins.
- Clearer Water
The fate of humanity on the shoulders of Keanu Reeves?
Based on past experience, Bugs Bunny will wipe the floor with our grunting computer glitch friend Neo. Neo has fought only one opponent in his past; the Matrix. Granted, that is a rather daunting opponent. And of course, the whole thing ended with Neo kicking some serious Agent ass, and scoring a victory for humanity. But, I ask you...is the Matrix defeated??? Of course not!!! The Matrix' only goal was to sustain itself by keeping humanity enslaved, and despite Neo's best efforts to date, the Matrix is still doing so.
Now let us look at the win/loss record for Bugs Bunny. Funny thing we notice... in his 60+ year career, Bugs Bunny remain UNDEFEATED. Not one villain has ever been able to soundly defeat that wascally wabbit. And lord knows, everyone from Elmer Fudd, and expert sportsman, to Wile E. Coyote, a recognized Super Genius, has tried. Bugs simply has not been, and can not be defeated. His arsenal is too expansive. His intellect too great (how many rabbits do you know with such a complete knowledge of 19th century opera??), amd his wit far too sharp for Neo. From that first big, sloppy wet kiss, to that final plunge off a desert cliff (which Bugs will surely trick Neo into providing), Bugs Bunny will dance, sing, and taunt circles around Neo
Two words: Duck Amuck.
Bugs is beyond mastering the Matrix, the reality behind it, and anything else you have to throw at him. The more serious-minded the opponant, the more of a thrashing they get.
Daffy went down in under 7 minutes, and he was pretty frowny. I'd say Keanu's going to have a giant tail flying a "screwball" flag in under five.
- Wile E. Coyote, Suuuuuuper Gennnnnnius!
Though I'm not sure who the winner of this match will be, but I can tell you for sure who the loser will be: Agent Smith. Tunes. If Neo wins, we know Smith is screwed. If Bugs wins (or if he and Neo realize they've been has and join forces) the third Matrix film will be like Space Jam only with lots of black trenchcoats and an "R" rating for having more gunplay than Operation Iraqi Freedom. Either way, it ain't duck season, rabbit season or even baseball season- It's uppity computer program season, and Smith and his boys are going to be in the crosshairs soon. As Dr. Peter Venkman would say, "Tasty pick, bonehead!"
- Mr. Silverback- Do not remove this tag under penalty of law.
"Neo, your mission has been successful. You have made Grudge Match (tm) create a fair match. The framework of the Matrix cannot support this paradox. I estimate you have 5 minutes before the Matrix collapses..."
- Dragonlady (follow the grey rabbit, doc)
Neo isn't self-aware, he doesn't even realise that the real world of the Matrix is just the HyperMatrix of the real world used to keep the machines imprisoned while the humans feed of their power which is in turn the HyperHyperMatrix of the real world used to keep the humans imprisoned while the machines feed of their power which is in turn the HyperHyperHyperMatrix of the real world used to keep the machines imprisoned hwil hians use them to create badly pixelated porn. Meanwhile Bugs Bunny is a cartoon who has directly talked to the cartoonist on numerous occasions, we're talking realising you exist merely as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware that you exist merely as as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware that you exist merely as as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware that you exist merely as as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware that you exist merely as as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware that you exist merely as as a fictional 2D character and therefore understand that you cannot possibly be aware .
- The Heckler of Random Deities
The Matrix is a big computer program, right?
Well, now it has Bugs in it!
HAAAAA HA HA HA!
But seriously, whoever thought up this scenario has obviously had too many blue pills. Or needs more of them.
Bugs: "Ehhhh ... *chomp chomp chomp chomp* What's up, doc?"
Neo: "Give it up. You know you don't have a chance, rabbit. The Oracle told me to follow the bunny with the carrots and kill it."
*Neo extends his arms and an AK-47 appears in his hands*
Bugs: "That's a nice trick, doc, but can you do this?"
*Bugs strikes his thumb on his forefinger, and a flame emerges*
Neo: "I am all powerful now. Your foolish tricks only delay the inevitable. Haven't you learned by now? If a person in the Matrix can do it, then of course I can too. Observe this ..."
*Neo tries to strike a flame from his thumb, but fails. He tries again, glaring at Bugs with a puzzled look on his face.*
Neo: This ... this can't be ... *he focuses intently on his hands as he strikes his thumb on his forefinger*
*30 seconds pass ... And Neo sees the flame emerge from his thumb.*
Neo: "A-ha! There you go, Mr. Rabbit."
*Neo shoves his hand into Bugs' face, and then looks up to see Bugs has been replaced with a rabbit-shaped frame of TNT sticks*
Bugs: *chomp chomp chomp chomp* "You know what they say - in with the old, out with the Neo!"
- Dom (I wonder if the people at Warner Brothers are pondering this match ...)
I've seen enough Bugs cartoons to have seen him dodge bullets (any cartoon with Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam), alter space and time (anyone else remember Elmer Season?), and alter all of reality (the classic cartoon, "The Animator"). And he did all that with the budget of early Warner Bros. Imagine what Bugs could do with the $300 million they spent on the last two Matrix movies.
Oh, and Paul, I know your pain. I had to write a review on a Hamtaro game. It's the pain that doesn't ever leave.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
A while back, the looney toons site did a spoof of the matrix. Bugs was Morpheus and Elmer Fudd was Neo. Therefore,Neo is Fudd and he will be outwitted by the wascally wabbit.
- The fanboy in his basment lair
Well, we know that Neo is being trained by Yoda, so I daresay Bugs Bunny will cut his hand off and reveal that Trinity is his sister.
Almost makes you feal sorry for Neo.
- "Who am I?" you ask? May as well ask "what do I want?"
Gotta love Alberqueque! (Motto:the city that just isn't spelled right.)
- aero "maybe its Albaquercee. or Ablekerque. or maybe..." dude
Let's take a moment to analyze two factors that often decide a match, coolness, and speed.
Now, one of the biggest factors in any grudge match has got to be the coolness factor. Neo has Bugs beat on this one hands down. the main reason for this si the gratuitous use of sunglasses. Anyone who can beat the heck out of someone, then cooly reapply the glasses gains major mentos points. What does Bugs have for eyewear? Nothing. Next, one must look at the company one keeps. Neo hangs around with with a brother who is twice the mentos Neo could ever hope to be, and a very hot chick who wears skin tight leather (and kicks high, very high). What does Bugs have? A cross dressing duck, and a bald fatman.
Another factor is speed. Again, Neo has Bugs beat. Bugs' first attack is always a fast get-away (so he can don his gender- bending "disguise") In this case, Bugs' speed is no match for Neo's. One just has to look at how fast Neo can block punches at the end of the first Matrix (and the fact that he can FLY). Catching a rabbit trying to lace up a girdle will be no problem.
In the end, Neo is just too cool and fast for Bugs. And if that weren't enough, and Bugs somehow manages to escape the first onslaught, the cleanup crew of "Super(black)man" and "that one chick that kicks high" will finish off the wascally wabbit for good.
Which threatens you more:
There is no spoonor:
The is an anvil?
- The Tick
There was a hush in the auditorium as Paul opened the results envelope. "And the Grudge Match award for 'Person best able to manipulate the laws of physics' goes to..."
A crash interupted the announcement as the main doors gave way, admitting a horde of British soccer hooligans. As some thugs began throwing chairs at innocent attendees and the majority made bee-lines for the carefully-prepared refreshments table, one hooligan of indeterminable gender shouted, "Enough with these fictional characters! No real, flesh-and-blood contestant can kick a ball and Bend It Like Beckham!!!"
"Who is 'Beckman'?" asked a puzzled co-commentator Dave, as the hoodlums finished spiking and guzzling from the punch bowl before briefly playing catch with the fragile glass half-sphere.
The query seemed to only infuriate the heckler further. (S)he snapped, "That's 'Beck-HAM'! And he's a football player! What did you think?"
"So, if this Beckham is such a great football player, how come he never made the Super Bowl?" challenged Paul.
Drunken chants and the crash of fine furnishings would have drowned out anyone but the royally-peeved spokes(wo)man. "Not THAT game - the REAL football! Don't you Yanks know anything?"
"I'm not a Yank, I'm a Canadian," Dave pointed out.
"Same difference!" was the loud retort before joining his/her cohorts in testing the flammablilty of the auditorium's various contents. As Paul and Dave followed the terrified ceremony guests in fleeing the building, one question weighed heavily in their minds: Where was Mr. T. when you needed him?
- Matt Bricker
Bugs has been honored by his peers by getting an oscar for Knighty Knight Bugs. Neo, on the other hand has been given an award by his 'fans' here the worst actor Oscar.
This is more serious than you can possibly imagine. For the first time EVER, I think I saw a typo ("An man . . .", fifth break from bottom) NO! You can't hide it now. It's there for all the world to see. Now, not only have you let loose a bad actor and an unbeatable rabbit, but all of the millions (or is that billions?) of fans who visit daily and try to live in impossible situations like this. With such a BLATANT error as this right before their eyes, they will finally realize that what has actually happened is that you only PRETENDED to let loose a bad actor and an unbeatable rabbit on the world in a specific location that doesn't even exist and that for years now you have been duping them into thinking such matches truly exist and that their vote actually COUNTS for something. Now, with that realisation, you have millions (or perhaps billions) of people newly awakened to their being tricked and sitting at their computers and wondering what to do with their lives. They are rightfully angry and organize a jihad (there finally IS a jihad) against Steve and Brian who put them all into this mess in the first place. OR, they take this dose of logic even further. Realizing now for the first time that their votes never actually counted for anything and that the matches never existed, the people-previously- known-as-GRUDGERS understand that not only have they been wasting their time, but they have also failed to accomplish the rightful massacre of oh-so-many bad actors and fictional characters. The world falls silent as so many million (billion . . .) people choke on their GrudgePops(TM thingy) in successful attempts at suicide. Then you will finally realize that domination only comes to those who pay attention to detail and have impeccable grammar.
- Riddleable- So much for a SHORT response.
Dave, Bugs already knows about the present, rent Space Jam for crying out-loud.
- The Hooligan Of Doom
Ummm... I'd rather not, thanks. -Dave
The closest medium that combines Toon life, and the Matrix, is Clay- animation. So to assume a fair battlefield for both combatents would to ascertain that the fight would take place in a Clay-Animated world.
With Clay-animation, stop-photography is used to capture the action, as with cartoons. Also, characters and environment are painted and sculpted and designed similarly to cartoons.
But like real life (or a reasonable facsimile of, such as the Matrix), the scenes are 3 dimensional. Characters and environment, as clay is a physical substance, are subject to the inherent laws of entropy and and thermodynamics.
This would reduce both Neo and Bugs Bunny to a mortal equivalent of themselves. Stripping them of their superhuman powers, making this a battle of Man vs. Rabbit.
Normally in such cases, Bugs Bunny is defeated when not using his bag of tricks. So this would assuade one to believe that Neo, who does have some actual martial art skills enabling him to hunt down and eliminate Bugs, would have this fight in the proverbial bag. But the one thing Bugs Bunny has in his favor is the ability of doubletalk and wit. Neo would be outmatched, and unable to respond. Now the victory is won here. Bugs Bunny's character would have to constantly have his clay-animated mouth open and close to be able to show speaking. Since Neo would just stand there with a "whoa" expression on his face, he would not need to be altered. The oil and moisture from the Clay-Animator's hands would keep the clay of Bugs Bunny smooth and flowing while Neo would soon dry up and crack, and eventually crumble to nothingness.
Bugs Bunny wins, and as the matrix symbols begin to flow down the screen, Porky Pig opens a hole in the middle and announces "Bd..bd..bd...that's all folks!"
- JmanX (The X stands for Ate Too Much Play-Doh)
The problem is all of you ignored the girls perspective. What we have here is one guy (Neo) who is undeniably hot. He lacks any brains or sensitivity (c'mon, he kisses Persephone in FRONT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND) and his personality- as fake as the matrix itself. Then, we have Bugs Bunny. He's a bunny, so he gets the "oh how cute" factor. He is witty, clever, and, unlike Neo, single. Some people think girls are all about looks, and would shallowly go vote Neo. Others would argue that girls are smart and care more about personality. But the shallow girls, caring about their image, would vote Bugs just to seem like personality DOES matter more to them. All this thinking's given me a headache...gonna go lay down. After I vote for Bugs.
- A girl...you expected?
First, it must be stated that Bugs deals with more than the dimwitted likes of Messrs. Fudd and Sam. Recall his many contretemps with mad scientists, planetocidal Martians, and Wile E. Coyote, Suuuuuuper-Genius. He can handle opponents both smart and dumb, which comes in handy here, because he has an opponent with at once a powerful, and quarter-watt, brain.
There will be some stylized confrontation on the streets of Generic Matrix City, where Neo comes flying at Bugs in a patented kung-fu leap. He will freeze so the camera can do its way-cool pan around him, but Bugs won't cooperatively freeze like all his usual enemies. "Thanks," he'll say, "hold it right there." He'll hang up a sign reading 'Back in 15 Minutes', and walk off.
Neo, obtusely obedient, will hang there. About five minutes later, a varied assortment of safes, anvils, baby elephants, and other weighty objects will come plummeting toward him from the roof of a nearby skyscraper. This is something his brain can handle, and he freezes them all in midair, scant feet from his head. And of course, he keeps hanging there, all the dead weight hovering above him, because it hasn't been fifteen minutes yet.
Bugs comes walking back, and resumes his old position. "Okay, bud, you can let 'em go now."
"Thanks, dude. No, wait!" Neo realizes an instant too late that he's been fooled, and gets flattened into the pavement. All that survives is a mangled pair of shades.
- Call me Shane
How can Bugs win? He can't even find Albuquerque.
Next Match: More sitcom tag-team catfighting!
Next Match: More sitcom tag-team catfighting!
© 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC