David Hasselhoff: The awards this year sure have been exciting so far! I'm so glad that "Babe" won the best picture award. I know it was my favorite from this year. It almost makes up for "Look Who's Talking Now" not getting nominated. Anyway, I guess that means "Babe" won't get "canned" anytime soon! (Audience laughs wholeheartedly) So, Morgan, tell us about our next category!
Morgan Fairchild: The awards sure have been great, haven't they? I'm so honored to be able to be a part of it! (sparkling smile) Our next category for tonight is "Worst Actor". It is given to the actor who does the worst job of portraying a character (or characters). Our first nominee is: William Shatner for "TJ Hooker."
(Movie clip plays of TJ Hooker bouncing off the hood of a fast moving car. Shatner gets up, unscathed, and walks across the street to a buxom blonde and gives her a deep, passionate kiss.)
David Hasselhoff: Next we have Jack Klugman, from "Quincy, M.E."
(Movie clip plays: "Gentlemen, you are about to enter the most fascinating sphere of police work: The world of forensic medicine." Young police rookies pass out, apparently from seeing Klugman try to act.)
Morgan Fairchild: Our third nominee is DeForest Kelley, from "Night of the Lepus."
(Movie clip plays of a giant mutant rabbit terrorizing a small rural town. Kelley screams: "Look out!" Kelley dodges in the nick of time as the rabbit comes crashing down just feet from where he was standing.)
David Hasselhoff: The last nominee for worst actor is Keanu Reeves, from "Much Ado About Nothing."
(Movie clip plays: "Like, wherefore hast thou seen, like, thy woman for wooing?" Reeves then steps forward with a dramatic hand flourish.)
Morgan Fairchild: And the winner is...
Jack Klugman - "Quincy, M.E."
DeForest Kelley - "Night of the Lepus"
Keanu Reeves - "Much Ado About Nothing"
And, besides, look at the other nominees. Yes, Jack Klugman was terrible as Quincy (tm), but his good roles in "The Odd Couple" and as Juror #5 in Twelve Angry Men will drag him down. There will, of course, be a lot of support for both Shatner and Kelley, but having both been on Star Trek they will split the sci-fi-ers votes which will leave them both out of the running (something I call the Perot Effect (tm)). Clearly, Keanu will win.
Two words, folks: Point Break.
STEVE: What determines a good actor? One quality is range (that's range, not RAGE(TM) as seen here frequently). Clearly, Keanu has range since he has played a cop, high school student, Shakespearian military man, and soon-to-be Vietnam vet. Too much range. He's too good for the award. Likewise, William Shatner has played captain, cop, and stuntman. He's even appeared on Columbo, which shows that someone must think he's good. That leaves this contest between Klugman and Kelley.
To settle this, one must just look at their respective abilities to overact. Bones has his "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor" routine. There's a wealth of emotion in that phrase, but dammit, I can envision so much more. Jack "Quincy" Klugman on the other hand, stretches the limits of overacting. His talent can best be seen in the following paraphrase which can be seen in nearly any episode: "And you, a certified doctor! You stand there and sit idly by while innocent people are MURDERED! Why can't you people wake up and DO something about this tragedy? Sam, do me a favor and do my work for the rest of the week, I have some BUSINESS to attend to that JUST CAN'T WAIT." What finesse! Klugman wins worst actor!
SAM: And the oscar goes to: DeForest Kelley as Elign Vlark in Night of the Lepus. Lets get real, the other nominees are out of their league in this one. A not-so-close second would be Shatner, and as you all remember, DeForest carried him throughout Star Trek. Klugman has his merits when it comes to this award, but look close and you'll realize that Klugman is just a student of Kelley. Quincy may have his own little phrases like: "And you....you're going to sit by and just...when its murder I tell you!" Klugman is a mere branch from the Kelley tree of bad acting.
I mean really, how can they or anyone compete with such brilliance, such timing, such emotion. Who else good deliver a lines such as: "Dammit Jim, Spock has no brain" or "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer"- just to name a few. This man is truly working on a different level. He can portray a skilled doctor one minute and raging, time-traveling, lunatic the next.
Bottom line: As Vlark or McCoy, Kelley always catapults any situation to the very highest dramatic degree; and, by doing this, he manages to bring out the very worst in his fellow actors and in short makes over-actors out of us all. For this, he should be immortalized with this academy award. And if he doesn't win, its insanity..insanity I tell you.
JIM: Clearly, this will be an easy victory for Shatner, whose acting in "TJ Hooker" and "Kingdom of the Spiders" alone is a medically-recognized ipecac. But if we consider his entire ouevre, we see it's just one sausage-link in a long chain of pork products. The key, of course, is that he always acts... exactly... the... same. Have any comedians made a career out of Jack Klugman imitations? I think not. Whether he's seducing green babes, shooting Yeti off airplane wings, clinging to car hoods, or pushing Tek, he acts like, well, William Shatner. (Or, on rare occasions, the evil Shatner from episode 203). It a consistency than spans decades, and demands recognition. And his utter disregard for subtlety doesn't stop at acting. He's a producer. Director. Pop star. Novelist. There are even rumors he toyed with mime during a phase of his career which remains, mercifully, unrecorded. Truly, he is the Sausage King of All Media.
Then there's the lack of viable competitors. Klugman has maybe three roles to his credit, and frankly was quite good in "The Odd Couple". He made a role uniquely identified with an Oscar-caliber (sorry) actor his own. That takes skill: For every Alan Alda, there are legions of fake Ferris Beullers and Private Benjamins in TV's trash bins. Kelley's portfolio is even shorter, and while his performance in "Lepus" is true MST3K fodder, our crafty and urbane (and, might I add, remarkably good-looking) voters aren't about to reward a one-miss wonder. Reeves shows promise, but with unfortunate flashes of talent. Whether or not it was much of a stretch, he was utterly believable as lucky imbecile Ted "Theodore" Logan, and emoted as much as "Speed"'s script required. And even decent actors can flop with the Bard (see Gibson, Mel). A few more roles like Johnny "Hit Me" Mnemonic, and he *may* have a chance next year against Pauly Shore and Andrew Shue.
In the final analysis, Bill has to win, simply because he has the best hair.
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Keep reading, Phil...
Having actually seen all four of the mentioned performances, I'll have to go with Reeves. It was a tough choice, as we've all noted how bad the competition was.
But there are degrees of badness. Shatner and Klugman each at least has conveyed some emotion in their respective roles (Hooker and Quincy). Admittedly, it's the same emotion over and over again. Admittedly the scripts are horrible and unrealistic. But at least you get the feeling that you are witnessing a possible person. Why? Shatner always plays himself. The role is realistic because it's a real person, him. Quincy was tiresome and melodramatic, but that wasn't really Klugman's fault.
Which brings us to the real contenders. Kelley in "Lepus" is truly non-descript. He manages to look completely unexcited the entire movie. This is a strange state of mind, given the presumed horror of the enormous carnivorous bunnies. But to reward Kelley for "Lepus" is to mis-honor this movie. It should be acknowledged mostly for its truly pathetic special effects. It was amusing to watch bunnies hop all over tiny models, but it was not convincing in the least. The guys in the bunny suits who would maul people were also amusing.
Reeves managed to give the worst performance of Shakespeare I have ever seen. His villainy seemed not to be based on anger or envy so much as of constipation. I don't care so much about the lack of English accent (after all, the play is set in Italy. Why should Italians speak English with an English accent anyway?) But in a genre where even Mel Gibson and Michael Keaton have failed to embarrass themselves, Keanu fell flat on his face. An AI program would have been more human-like.
- J Patrick Hester
More shocking than his win will be Keanu's acceptance speech where he peels off a mask, while saying: "Hi! I'm Troy McLure. You might remember me from such hyped up and boring awards ceremonies such as the MTV Music Video Awards where I won for best female vocalist."
- So. Central Rain
- Melodie Ladner
P.S. Sulu -- now there was an acting god!
- two jerks watching hockey
DeForest Kelley has been known to deliver a few goods lines such as "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer," as you indicated. Or the even more immortal "Jim, He dead..." However the hair is mediocre and this will keep him in the running.
Keanu Reeves also approaches Shatner in the acting area. No one can forget his shotty, smack me please, work in Point Break. Or his stand -and-deliver valley boy makeover that we saw in "Much Ado About Nothing." But rising in his defense, Shakespeare can be difficult, one must be able to speak _English_ after all. But the hair factor, and all that make over time in trailer kicks in. This will keep out of the running.
Therefor by default the award goes to Jack Klugman, _This Year_. But don't fear. Slick Bill's hair will eventually give-out. I suspect that this will happen about the turn of the Century. And then he will be a dead ringer for the "Life time bad acting achievement" award.
Was "Night of the Lepus" about crazed giant rabbits?
"Lepus" was about giant rabbits. Whether they were crazed, or not, I can't remember. At the very least, they were heavily pissed. -B
- Chris\Lord Spam\Varnadoe
- mark critch
> BRIAN: > Two words, folks: Point Break.Two more words: Johnny Mnemonic.
I'm enraged that you should include Jack Klugman in this competition. Quincy was, Like TJ Hooker, a mistake that never should have happened. Wipe it out. Erase it from your minds. He was more than perfect in The Odd Couple, and his brilliant performances in many Twilight Zone episodes with horns and/or pool ques more than make up for end-of-career mistakes like Quincy. Then again, there was that Odd Couple TV movie a few years ago...
De Kelly? He was in movies? Well, Night of the Lepus wasn't half as memorable as Attack of the Killer Shrews, so how bad could it have been?
I voted for - or, actually against - Keanu. Let's face it, the man has less acting talent than Julia Roberts. He is prettier, though. Shatner is at least interesting to watch, and has the ability to change the inflection of his voice. Keanu's stirring English accents in Dracula and Much Ado About Nothing make Costner in Robin Hood sound like Patrick MacNee.
- John Payne
But on to my point: Shatner will win - but both of you missed the point all together. His cronie, Kelley is the worst hands down and should win - no contest - end of discussion - period.
Shatner wins purely because the WWWF Grudge Match's audience has had more than ample exposure to his lack of acting talent. Just look at the many times his sorry mug has marred the screen! Its frightening! Compare that to the others: Keanu is the only comparable in the exposure column - but he's young and can't compare with the track record of Shatner.
Shatner should get a lifetime achievment award for bad acting - but it is no secret why Kelley's list of appearances is quite short.
- Janice M.
There, I feel better now. :)
- Joshua Galun
It's not his accent that's a problem (Branagh made sure none of the American actors spoke in a Biritish accent.) It's his total voice inflection, his complete inability to speak verse. His theme music acts more than he does. As a villain, he's about as menacing as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Unlike the other actors, he can't even grow a full beard. See, its easy to sink "Night of The Lepus." To sink a good production of a great Shakespearean comedy takes real incompetence. Furthermore, no one would ever cast William Shatner say, an adaptation of the works of Charles Dickens, and see if you can name one good director Jack Klugman worked with. Keanu Reeves, on the other hand, has been able, through means not known to mere mortals, to convince directors like Francis Ford Coppola, Bernardo Bertolucci, Ken Branagh, Gus Van Sant, and others, to appear in their labors of love. He wins because he is a bad actor who is shown to be one through contrast with the material he works with.
- David Rothschild
Excuse me, but I counted no less than two, count 'em, two commentators here missing enough brain lobes to suggest that Keanu Reeves has range, and occasional flashes of talent. People, this is Keanu Reeves-- I can think of no less than five types of hardwood capable of displaying greater emotional range than this boy. Lets take a look at Mr. Reeve's resume:
Feelings I can display: Happy: [picture of Keanu smirking.] Sad: [picture of Keanu with slightly more frown than average.] More emotions available upon request.Mr. Reeves, we see, cannot act-- he is only capaple of reading lines. He could easily be replaced by a manequin and a tape recorder. The only movies that he hasn't royally screwed up are a) films where he hasn't had a big enough part to destroy the overall work (Much Ado About Nothing, Hamlet etc.) or b) movies that did not require acting but instead relied on special effects or jokes (Speed, Bill & Ted's).
The other actors, you see, may overact, may turn everything they look upon into melodrama, but at least they act. Little Wooden Boy speaks with less inflection than those automated correct time messages, and also with less appeal.
Now, what about worst Actress?
So here's what the typical voter is thinking when he looks at the ballot:
Keanu Reeves - "He's got plenty more bad work ahead of him; let's give it to one of the old guys."
William Shatner - "Bill certainly has had a long career of atrocious acting. But I heard that next year the Oscars are adding the "William Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award." If he's going to get that tribute, hey, I'll vote for someone else."
DeForest Kelley - "Wouldn't it be appropriate for Bill to present the first 'Wm. Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award' to DeForest at next year's Oscars? "
Jack Klugman - "I thought Klugman was dead already."
Klugman by a landslide.
- Jeff Carroll
- Blake Dymond and Clark Hughes
President and Vice President of "Citizens Against Keanu Reeves"
- dave mcgee
"That's right, oh kitless wonder," Morgan Fairchild says into the microphone. "OJ embodies all that a terrible actor is. Not only did he act the total idiot in the Police Squad movies (I, II1/2, XXXIII1/3), but his unconvincing acting in Frogmen set the stage for a wave of bad acting!"
"And let's not forget his greatest act of all," David says, getting into the act, "Putting out his own book and video tape trying to convince the world that he's innocent!"
Morgan smiles brightly, holding up the Oscar. "OJ, this one's for you!"
As it turns out, David takes home the Oscar on OJ's behalf. OJ is currently out spending all of his resources looking for the "real" killer.
He's on the golf ranges again, talking to a radio show on his cellular phone.
- Dark Paladin
I voted for Reeves because he was the closest to my first choice of Will Wheaton for his work on STNG(tm).
- Moshe Y. Katz-Hyman
now Reeves... *shudder*. I can actually feel my life getting shorter while watching him ... akt.
- scott c
- Chris Opocensky
Give Willy a lifetime award for barraging a couple generations of TV viewers with a consistent display of ghastly acting. Since we must confine ourselves to T.J. Hooker, let's face it, everyone knows it was meant to be schlock. We were supposed to tune in to watch Heather Locklear bounce around. Poor acting was expected and Will fit the bill! No award for that.
Ditto for Klugman. A shoddy TV show (with no babes!) expecting shoddy acting. Klugman obliged with poor theatrics. Again, no award.
Keanu Reeves! You'd think he's a hands down winner. Kenneth Branagh knew he was working with a dolt and kept Keanu out of the spotlight with a minor role as Don John. My theory is that Branagh's ulterior motive was to expose the current crop of dimwitted teenage girls to a Shakespearean work. How would you get them in the theater? In any event, Reeves did not get to display his absolute lack of talent in this role. No award. Why wasn't he nominated for Dracula?
Kelley is making a splash on the big screen after a dismal display of acting in an equally pathetic sci-fi TV show. Kelley thinks he's the man for silver screen sci-fi. Expectations are are higher and DeForrest fizzles. Since the role of Vlark is "meatier" than Keanu's Don John the edge goes to Kelley. This is not the desired grand flop, but if you play by the rules, Kelley is the true winner - no ifs, ands, or buts.
- Dr. Joe
Since old Jack is the dark horse, the industry insiders won't let him win. They've already pulled the sympathy vote with last year's winner-- Mr. Hasselhoff himself (AKA the "anti-Travolta").
Shatner is the fan favorite, but the industry insiders are less than happy with Bill due to his blatant attempts to lock up so many categories--including Worst Screenplay, Worst Direction, and Worst Hair Substitute.
DeForrest hasn't had any substantial work lately to keep him fresh in the voters' minds. If the award had been given out in '75, he'd be near the top.
So, we are left with Keanu. The truest definition of "anti-actor." The Blank Slate of Hollywood. Emotion, expression, depth--not even any resembling these in Mr. Reeves' performances. "Point Break", "Bram Stoker's Dracula", "Much Ado About Nothing", "Johnny Mnemonic"--the list just seems endless. And his turn as Hamlet in Canada still has the Academy reeling.
He appeals to the new, younger, hipper Academy and will justly win this award.
And the winner is........... William Shatner
- David G.
"DeForest Kelley was rushed to the hospital after being superficially wounded by an assasin's bullet last night at the Academy Awards. Kelley, who was dragged to the podium kicking and screaming "DAMN IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ADMIT I WAS IN THAT MOVIE!!! PLEASE!!! I WAS DRUNK - I SWEAR!!!" to accept his Worst Actor Award, was hit in the right shoulder. The gunman, known only as Crow and believed to be a disgruntled movie reviewer, shouted "BITE ME - It's Fun!" at his victim before making his escape. The greater tragedy of the night, however, was the lowest ratings in the history of the TV special as the live violence caused V-CHIPS across the country to overload and black out the rest of the show."The executive thanks the four people as they return to their times. Then he calls up his local enforcers to "advise" the Oscar voters on who they should vote for. WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?????
"William Shatner broke the world record for length of an acceptance speech last night at the Academy Awards. Despite being held to a pre-approved script to keep him within the 2 minute time limit, he managed to overact the three sentences to over an hour and a half including a thirty-five minute pause. The "Pause That Stopped the World", as it is now known, caused some people to call the paramedics on the premise that Captain Kirk had died where he stood from a stroke. However, he did recover to do an impromptu duet of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds with Leonard Nimoy, dropping the already negative Neilson ratings into imaginary numbers."
"Yesterday marked the first ever international censoring of the Oscars as all present and former members of the Commonwealth of Nations threatened to declare war on the United States for 'defamation of the English accent and institutions' if it was not taken off the air. The incident was the direct result of the acceptance speech of Keanu Reeves who won the Worst Actor Award. In gratitude, he attempted to recreate his award winning role of Don John in Much Ado About Nothing but slipped out of his bad English accent into Ted Logan from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. The international outrage from England and former British colonies was immediate and led to the preemption of the Oscars with reruns of Roller Derby highlights. As the Prime Minister put it, 'If I want to watch the disgrace of an English institution by a hooligan, I'd go to a football match.' Ratings for the time slot were the worst ever."
"The Academy Awards reached record high ratings yesterday in one of the most bizarre television events ever. Jack Klugman, who won the 'Worst Actor' award, announced he would perform a mock autopsy in salute of his award winning role as Quincy. However, after several minutes of chopping and slicing, the sheet covering the body feel free, revealing this to be a REAL autopsy. As blood and guts spewed everywhere, the majority of the studio audience and millions worldwide passed out before they could escape or reach their remote controls. Though it is estimated that only a small fraction of the record television audience was actually conscious during the rest of the show, very few were in any condition to change the channel and their set remained on for the rest of the show and into the wee hours."
Paul "I WATCH QUINCY IN RERUNS" Golba
If the above comments aren't funny enough to make the next report, sorry. But how about a 4-way ACTRESS competition? So many worthy women out there! I can't even begin to list them all. OK, Shelley Winters. OK, any director's wife. Take that, Barbara Bosson, Kate Capshaw, Lorraine Gary, etc. Not you, Susan Sarandon. Sorry.
And when will we be seeing Babe vs. Arnold Ziffel? Come on, you know you want to.
- N. Shane Cutler
keanu, in his surfer/cop get-up, talks to girl of his dreams. she misunderstands him. he slams down the phone, and in a spot of terrible acting that i will never forget, says "Fuck...why can't i say what i mean?" bad, bad....makes me cringe just thinking of it....
Just my two cents, Sean Hooks
2) Klugman has actually done some good work, and dammit Jim, I liked Quincy.
3) Contrast. This is where Keanu takes the prize. It is one thing to rank on Kelly for doing a grade-Z movie, but Keanu has worked with _great_ actors, and once you have the contrast of a very good actor such as Gary Coleman or even a Patrick Swayze (or however the hell it's spelled) then his true bad self is put on display. Only a truely bad actor would dare tackle Hamlet (at least he didn't break character to say "Don't blame me, I didn't write this crap")
And besides Keanu never appeared on Star Trek (and you know if Klugman's schedule had been free he could have shone in the Trekverse).
Why? You all remember that old TV series, _Amazing Stories_? There was an episode called "Hell Toupee," that revolved around this hairpiece that's really alive, and could take over the mind of anyone who wore it, and force him to commit crimes and that sort of thing.
This toupee, I believe, has fallen into the hands of William Shatner. Only this time, the toupee's fallen in love with him (hey, stranger things have happened; look at Lyle Lovett and Michael Jackson. And I'd like to see you explain Shatner's success without supernatural intervention). So, while they're at the awards ceremony, the toupee sneaks off Shatner's head to do its dirty work.
First, it has to take care of Shatner's only serious competition, Keanu Reeves. It takes over the mind of Gene Siskel and has him hypnotise Roger Ebert into thinking Reeves is a Fudgcicle. At this point, Reeves will either be critic chow or spend the entire night running for the hills, screaming for his mommy, so he's effectively out of the picture for what will happen next.
Now it takes over one of the Academy members (one of whom HAS to be bald, considering that they're all older than most cans of Spam) and finds out if Shatner is scheduled to win. If not, then he'll simply proceed in time honored Hollywood tradition: lie and cheat to get Shatner's name into that envelope. And considering how many toupees are at your average Academy Awards, this should be a snap.
So you see, by the time Morgan Fairchild (whom I've slept with) opens that envelope, Shatner's name WILL be the one that's called. Hey, an Oscar's an Oscar, no matter what it's for. So Shatner will act nice and surprised as he climbs up to accept his reward, while his hairpiece is already glowing warmly in anticipation of its... rewards...
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
KEANU REEVES SHOULD...NAY, DESERVES TO WIN THIS AWARD!!
First of all, Jack Klugman is one of the most talented actors of the twentieth century. Nearly every role he played was fitting (i.e. The Odd Couple) and he has a flare for playing some ordinary schmoe. Then we have Billy Shatner. Sure, he (DRAMATIC SHATNER PAUSE (DSP(TM)))... overacts. But, no one...(DSP(TM)) overacts like Bill. He wrote the book on overacting. He is the only actor in Hollywood allowed to...(DSP(TM))overact. Overacting is his style, and he does it with panoche. Have I said the word "overact" enough? Shatner's sidekick DeForest Kelley isn't dazzling. He isn't wrinkle-free. He isn't even doing anything worthwhile at the moment. But one thing he is is a solid actor. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. No one can deliver a timeless "He's dead, Jim (TM)" like he can. So that leaves...Keanu. He can't act. Bill and Ted was the only thing he could do right, and that was because his speaking part mainly consisted of one-syllable words. He was totally unconvincing in Speed, out-of-place in Dracula, and couldn't find a decent role if one fell out of his anal orifice (TM). Keanu should just go back to sitting in front of the Circle K and muttering "dude" in his Ultra-Californian accent.
- El Squid
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