"Welcome back to WWWF News. Once again, the WWWF News Team is on hand at the Annual Supernatural Being Conference, held this year at the lovely Emerald Castle Hotel in lovely Sydney, Australia. Though this gala event has been free of violence since the Jeannie/Samantha fiasco of a few years back, our staff psychic Dionne Warwick has predicted friction this year so, of course, we went to stir up trouble."
"As luck would have it, we arrived just in time to incite, er, capture the incident we bring you now. A heated argument broke out at the D&D tournament between Glinda the Good Witch of the North and Tim the Enchanter. It eventually escalated into a high stakes wager - the loser is barred from competition for life, turned into a newt and flattened by a farm house. We will now go to our Australian correspondent Bob to get details. Bob, what can you tell us?"
"Thanks, Bob. Glinda has selected the Oz All-Star team of Dorothy (complete with ruby slippers), Scarecrow, Tin Woodman, Cowardly Lion and, of course, Toto. They have been brought here to "Oz-tralia", and told to follow the Yellow Dirt road deep into the outback, retrieve the Golden Cup of the Great and Mighty Oz from the evil French and return. Without the cup, she cannot send them home."
"Her opponent Tim has picked King Arthur who has just been released from prison. Something about a dead historian, I believe. He has been joined by his loyal knights Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere and Robin, plus a group of servants carrying coconuts. Anyway, Tim has told them that deep in the outback they will find the Golden Cup of Antioch which is held by a Wicked Witch. If they can bring it back, he claims he can use it to find the Holy Grail."
"Interestingly, from the descriptions of both cups, I have reason to believe they have been sent to get the same item. Only one team can return victorious. Should make for some lively questing this year."
So, Jeff, will the courageous king and colleagues cruise to kudos or can the Kansas questor and company capture the cup?
JEFF: Well Paul, it is a pleasure to have such a quality commentator with which to preview this exciting match. I hope we can keep this discussion as polite as possible, since mud throwing is probably your best method of countering my observations. After giving this some thought, I think I will go with Dorothy and the gang. I don't see the Scarecrow being a major factor, but the Tin Man, while being vulnerable to oxidation, is a distant cousin to a number of other all-metal characters, namely the Terminator, ED-209 from Robocop, and Number Five from short circuit -- all formidable fighters. And don't forget the Cowardly Lion! If a mere rabbit could slaughter four of the less-than-entirely-fearless knights, think of what a 350 pound lion could do!
But the final consideration has to be the Babe Factor. As I am sure you are aware, Dorothy is the only female in this contest. If we know anything about the French, we know that the only thing they like better than fine wine, good food, and hideously expensive, fixed military fortifications, is a young, innocent, farmer's daughter from America. After years of getting the beejesus beat out of them by the worldly-wise Australian women, and prior to that being ignored or belittled by their own high-fashion Paris beauties, these French soldiers will fall all over themselves to give the cup to Dorothy just in the hope of a date. Dorothy is underage, the farthest thing from fashionable, and in the company of three somewhat male companions, but I submit to you that it will not matter. Dorothy will have the cup and be back in the Emerald in the time it takes to travel the outback, plus about five minutes.
PAUL: Before I methodically rip apart your arguments, what is up with all this lovely-dovey crap that been going on in the recent commentaries? "Honored" this and "pleasure" that and "Glad to be here." What's next? "I want to have your baby?" Let me make this clear now - I will bury all of you. You have been warned.
Now to the subject at hand, this match is in Australia. The Head of State in Australia is the monarch of the Great Britain. All Australians are British subjects which logically makes Arthur their King! Therefore, they will do whatever he commands. With a word, Dorothy is stuck in Customs, the Lion is the new exhibit at the Sydney Zoo and Scarecrow and Tin Man are the new residents at the Australian version of Area 51.
But let's assume that in a sense of fair play, Arthur does not do this. Jeff, did you forget that this is a quest? As the cliche goes "getting there is half the fun." Arthur and his Round Table are knights. Knights ride on horses. Thus, Arthur and Co. have horses. And since horses are much faster than walking, they have a major speed advantage. By the time Dorothy even reaches the Cup, the knights will be enjoying a well deserved vacation on the Australian beach.
Of course, this assumes Dorothy and Co. actually reach the goal. That's pretty unlikely since we are dealing with a bunch of liabilities. Need I remind you that the 350 pound Cowardly Lion was defeated by DOROTHY. Even Sir Robin could take him. One freak rainstorm and Tin Man is immobilized. And not only can the Scarecrow be easily neutralized by a little fire, he may be eaten at the start line by those aforementioned horses. And that leaves poor old Dorothy by herself. And I shudder to think what a bunch of horny Frenchmen stuck in the Outback would be capable of doing to a young girl and her dog. I'll leave the level of depravity up to the imagination of the reader. Arthur and the Knights bring home the Cup.
JEFF: Before I counter your rather shoddy attempt at a rebuttal, let me just say that what I meant by quality was how good you make the other commentators look. I really appreciate the way you actually attempted to make an argument, rather than lamely attacking my person.
In any case, I think you may be mistaking Monty Python with Red Sonja. Horses? These guys were squires with two halves of a coconut, and I seriously doubt that pretending to ride will get the Knights there faster than just walking. And before you knock the Cowardly Lion, remember he did KO one of the witch's monkey guards. And Dorothy killed the witch in true Buffy the Vampire Slayer form. Dorothy is one tough cookie. Finally, I'm sure the Scarecrow will remember to pick up some of that new waterproof silicon-based lubricant to keep the Tin Man permanently lubed up. Unfortunately, the Scarecrow will be eaten by some kangaroos, camels, or field mice before they get 20 kilometers.
As for the knights "getting there," it took them three years just to travel across England, and even then only two of them survived to reach the French castle. And speaking of the French, what kind of self respecting medieval king gets beaten by the French. I mean, even untrained drunken English soccer hooligans can beat them. Unless Arthur manages to collect and ferment several barrels of kangaroo saliva (Australian for Beer) he is in for some big trouble. Basically, without Tim to help them, they are more likely to bring the Americas Cup back to England than the Golden Cup of Antioch.
PAUL: Dorothy is one tough cookie? DOROTHY?! Are you kidding me? So she defeated the Wicked Witch of the West. So what? How impressed can you be in a villain that call be killed by A BUCKET OF WATER?! What kind of complete moron leaves the ONE THING that could possibly kill her just lying around her home? Like I keep a couple of open drums of sulfuric acid in my bedroom just in case. Brilliant! Even worse, she entrusted this dangerous substance to her damn janitor to mop the floors. Let's just spread that stuff all over the castle, while we're at it. Her defeat was only a matter of time. Face it, she ranks just below the Death Star and every James Bond villain ever in the Death Wish. And considering that every single one of her guards could have offed her at any time and taken over as leader, don't be too impressed with her army of flying monkeys. Barney the Purple Dinosaur could have defeated her and her pathetic army too. Do you see King Arthur losing to Barney? I don't think so.
And before I let it slide, of course the knights have horses. Magical, invisible, silent horses with big, sharp, pointy teeth and minty breath are standard issue for knights of this caliber. The coconuts are just there as a warning so no one is unintentionally trampled by these graceful creatures. Where did you think they got those coconuts anyway?
Dorothy and her crew lose miserably. Afterwards, they are sent on a quest to find Yahoo Serious' career and are never seen again. Jeff, I got your quality right here.
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OK, so of COURSE it's gonna be Tim and the Knights (pronounced kniggets)! First of all, Tim just has to point his staff (minds outta the gutter please) at that scarecrow and POOF, up he goes. As for the knights being slaughtered my a mere rabbit, well...that's no mere rabbit. It is a most foul rodent.
Also, they will, with no problem, ravage Dorothy in mere minutes, well, except maybe for Lancelot...He seems to be a little light in the armor.
And when it was asked, "Where did you think they got those coconuts anyway? " why, from swallows of course. Now, a European swallow could never carry a coconut, however an AFRICAN swallow could. Not, for an Afracan swallow to carry the drupaceous fruit of the coconut palm, gripping it by its husk, all the way from it's native Africa, to soggy old England shows great loyalty, loyalty which would be expressed in battle. Imagine, if you will, legions of enraged sparrows dropping strange assortments of tropical fruit onto Dorothy and the gang. It would wreak havoc on their defenses. Severely denting the Tinman, and popping Glindas bubbles, meanwhile the Lion is curled in a fetal ball underneath a tree, sobbing for his mother, no doubt terrified by the sight of the thousands of swallows, after staying up late the night before to watch a Hitchcock Marathon on TBS.
Tim the Great One wins the battle.
Sanity is the Playground of the Unimaginative...
Realm of the Bizarre
Dorothy's team wins. Please, let Dorothy's team win. Python dweebs will of course wander aimlessly for a short time, then unsuccessfully try to find fulfillment quoting the Oz movie. Who knows, maybe someday they'll move out of their basements and, dare they dream, interact with females.
These poor inbred bastards cannot survive the massacre brought on by the drug-crazed Judy Garland, Not to mention the evil Toto. If a mere bunny rabbit can best these soft knights, what about a hardened Kansas farm dog, used to killing Coyotes and Mountain Lions? If Toto can chew up Bobcats, these British Snots will go down clutching their torn jugulars in a heartbeat.
- Toto the Giant Killer
- Duck Dodgers
These are Knights we're talking about, people. Not some drunken, pill-popping Kansas farmgirl and her collection of losers desperately in need of a self-help book. Genuine, sword-carrying Knights of the Round Table. And no Richard Gere this time. We've got genuine Brits who, as we saw last time (English Soccer hooligans vs. the French Army), are a formidable lot.
The Knights of Arthur take it walking away.
- Alan Ross
But Arthur and his crew are from the land of fog and rain and crappy heating -- they'll be parboiling in their tinfoil jackets before they've gone a mile, horses or no horses. And of course no knight would dream of walking around unarmored. Look at the Crusades, where the Europeans stubbornly wore armor in the Middle Eastern sun while the Arabs laughed up their burnooses and sliced the sweating, gasping Christians into cat's meat.
Dorothy and her pals reach the cup while the knights are going through the final bout of heatstroke-induced hallucinations and convulsions.
What about Dorothy and her motley meld of misfits? Very cute, very adorable, and VERY dysfunctional. Their quest is comprised of seeking the Wizard of Oz, clearly a skillful psychotherapist, to treat the the Scarecrow's mental retardation, the Lion's neurotic phobias, and so forth. As Paul cleverly points out, Dorothy's skill in witchicide hardly counts for much when as common a substance as water will do the trick.
Finally, in evaluating any legend or fairy tale, you have to consider each one's entertainment value. While you can have quite a bit of fun watching Wizard of Oz muted while playing Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album, that's one single use of one otherwise cheesy movie. Arthurian legend, on the other hand, is some serious drama. You can have your heart wrenched by a good translation of Le Morte D'Arthur, laugh your ass off at Monty Python's best work, or spend a happy couple of days with T. H. White's masterpiece, The Once and Future King(tm)(highly recommended).
The result? Arthur & Co. will walk away with the cup, and, after a brief pause to chat with God (but not to grovel, he hates groveling) and do a bit of singing and dancing, set off in search of the Grail. Dorothy & Co. will wind up in Australia's finest mental institute, with the best Aussie psychiatrists working night and day to get their various neuroses under control. And don't expect those pontentially dangerous individuals to have any chance for an escape--can you say "straitjacket"?
Dorothy: Sure she may have those ruby slippers and she has killed two
witches, but she is also a virgin. In other words, she needs to be
Scarecrow: Sure the police are after the knights for the murder of a historian, but they are also after this peice of hay for the many crimes he commited in the little old town of Gothem City.
Tin Man: Okay, so maybe there won't be any rain, but that doesn't mean the Knights can cut off all of his arms and legs.
The Cowardly Lion: Does the word NI ring a bell?
Toto: I've got three words for the little dog; Holy Hand Grenade.
- Joe Klemm
Forget Glinda, Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow...and the little dog, too! Dorothy will simply click the ruby red slippers, chant some freaky New-Age mantra about home, and poof herself back to Auntie Em, Auntie Em, leaving Arthur and his Knights to fetch the cup by default.
And forsooth, Arthur proceeds to turn the Tin Man into his new suit of armor, rip the Lion's heart out so Arthur can change his name to Richard the Lion-Hearted, and finally transform the Straw Man into horse fodder for the long journey to get the cup so rightfully his.
Honestly, gentlemen, you really shouldn't leave such obvious clues lying around like that.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
- "Mad Dog" Mike
Without some pansy yellow sidewalk to follow, Dorothy and friends will be lost. However, they have one thing going for them. Dorothy probably knows how to drive. Plop her and her friends in a land rover and they'll be zipping along.
- The Dragon
Now, how did Dorothy get back to Kansas? Was it with the help of the Scarecrow? NO. The Cowardly Lion? NO. The Tin Man? No. Was even Toto the least bit helpful? NO. She's working with a bunch of worthless losers! She had the power to go home for the whole movie and or book (which by the way is much better than movie IMHO). But could she figure this out on her own? NO. Seems to be a bit of a pattern, eh? I see you nodding your head yes! In fact, to get back to Kansas, it took the help of a bumbling old fool. This means that all of Dorothy's party are on a level below that of the Bumbling Old Fool. In AD&D terms that is very low indeed.
What we really need to look at here is these two teams are coming from. Dorothy and her party are from a lousy story about early twentieth century economics (Yellow Brick road is analogous to the gold standard for those who care, which you really shouldn't) and the movie doesn't even bring this to light. Arthur's party come from a cult classic British comedy about the Middle Ages. As a history major I can tell you that the Middle Ages is the coolest time in history and had little to do with economics, which makes it way better than early twentieth century economics. Plus, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is just a better movie than The Wizard of Oz, hands down. So despite grievous inadequacies on both teams, Arthur will win because he is cooler!
Meanwhile, King Arthur and his knights are held up by a black knight who keeps insisting "Hah! It's only a scratch!"
- Wicked Witch
Final verdict: Dorothy and pals chopped into giblets before you can say, "How about a little fire, Scarecrow?"
First of all Jeff has got the Babe Factor all wrong. Dorothy can spin a sob story so well those sensistive French types would be crying in their wine so quickly that they would probably Fed Ex the cup anywhere Dorothy asked. And how can he say the scarecrow is a nonfactor. Although the scarecrow wasn't given a brain, it's clearly obvious that he has more intelligence than all of Arthur's knights combined (Arthur can't even count past 2). If they don't wrest the cup from the French with sympathy, the Scarecrow is sure to come up with a better idea than say a Trojan Rabbit with no one inside. Finally how can you ignore Toto, who incidently is also probably more intelligent and for that matter more courageous than Arthur's knights combined. If all else fails and Toto doesn't prove that the evil French are just really just ordinary men hiding behind a curtain of outrageous French accents, Toto could divert the French attention away using the Cute Dog Trick.
Another major advantage for Dorothy and crew is that the Cup of Antioch is protected by a Wicked Witch. Arthur and his knights only know how to recognize a witch by weighing her against a duck. Carrying a giant scale around will really slow them down.
As for Paul's analysis: magical, invisible horses . . . need I say more.
Now Paul and Jeff, go away before I taunt you a second time.
First, any team with women on it is going to win. The very
thought that gamers, let alone Australian gamers, would not
be affected by Dorothy's budding womanhood is poppycock. Obviously,
this is to Dorothy's benefit.
Second, knights and their horses must be accomodated. Personally, I'd like to see King Arthur riding across the Australian outback in full metal armor, on the back of his horse. By the time he got to the Frenchie castle, he'd only be fit to use as charcoal.
Third, knights are required to take up whatever side quests may appear along the way, because of their chivalric code. "Oy, Shiny boy, c'mere and feed me sheep for a few days, while I lay back and guzzle some beer."
Factor in the facts that all of the good French guards are back in Paris defending the homeland from soccer hooligans, Lancelot's berserker tendencies are likely to wipe out his own group from the get-go, and Toto's keen cup-finding powers, and you've got a solid win for the Oz crew.
- Munchkin King
No question that Arthur takes this one. He has a proven track record of brutality and cartoon violence. Just ask the Knight at the Bridge. Before Dot can get three clicks on those admittedly formidable slippers, off goes one leg below the knee. No bucket of water saves her this time, baby. And she won't be saying 'tis but a scratch', either. Oh and Jeff - you ignorant slut- the Babe Factor is no factor here. It is a scientific fact that no Frenchman can go without sex for more than a day or two. You know how they separate the men from the boys in Paris? With crowbars! No doubt that by now, after all that time waaaaay out there in the lonely Australian wilderness, they have.... well.... 'found a workaround' for the lack of female companionship. I doubt Dorothy would spark much interest.
Basically, King Arthur might as well bend over and take a schnauzer- filled picnic basket up his ass right now. The last laugh is on Dorothy, though, since we all know that the Great Oz is a fraud and his magic cup won't do jack shit.
Now, the Oompa-Loompas versus the Flying Monkeys - THAT would be a fight!
Also, you overplay the Babe FactorTM. It might neutralize Galahad. Wow. I mean, even if Dorothy et. al neutralize some other knights, Patsy and his front-man, Lancelot, could take 'em all. We already know his skill in slaugtering non-combatants (e.g. Dorothy).
- The Dear Departed Spirit of Jared Goodwin
- The Dear Departed Spirit of Jared Goodwin
I give them five miles before she starts staring into space, get caught by the cops, and sent to Oswald Penetentiary, with a starring role in the second season of a gritty prison drama.
Dorothy, as has been pointed out, is a Kansas farm girl, and she looked pretty hot in her day. Now, unless "men's magazines" have been lying to me all these years, all red-blooded American farm girls are nasty little vixens at heart, just looking for any excuse to get naked. The heat of the Australian outback is no exception.
Knights on a quest get lonely and horny. The result of Dorothy's nudity will be the sound of erections htting armor plate ("Schwing! Clang!"), leaving King Arthur and his posse passed out and fetal in the desert (Australian for backyard).
Might as well have given Arthur and his knights a patented Beavis and Butthead 'nad kick at the start line...
- Pash Cracken
- Steven W. Pratt
On the other side, Monty Pyhton's King Arthur. Unlike any other King Arthur, this crew couldn't succeed at a damn thing. Holy Grail was one F*** up after another for the knights. Sure, it was funny, but funny don't get you no Holy Grail. Even the Cowardly Lion found his inner courage. Robin was still a wuss at the end.
Yet, with the French (Python's French, mind you) guarding the cup, even the Wizard of Oz himself would have trouble getting that cup. The is no known defense against the awesome power of Barnyard Animal ordinance. And watch out for the Trojan Rabbit!
- Ray Kremer
- Juan Cortez, conquistador for hire
If you don't know what he's talking about, get an education on the "suicidal munchkin" story. - Eds.
- Sapsucker Frog aka 'Susan'
"What, the curtains?"
Dorothy got sucked away by a hurricane and totally wussed out, oohh, we're not in Kansas anymore - good.
- Pete Stine
Evil sorceresses: Yes
Swords in Stones: Yes
Evil Wizards: Yes
Green Knights: Yes
Creating New Social Order: Yes
Holy Grails: No
Helpless Women (even if they've slept with his best friend): No
I conclude that the devastating combination of grail and helpless little Dorothy will be too much for poor Art. Being no dummy, he will quickly realize this and leave off the quest to begin exercising his true talent, destroying evil empires. He'll add some hackers to his round table, and Excalibur '98 will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for computer users everywhere.
Dorothy's group arrives at the rear gate soon after, and gains admittance by the brilliant stratagem of getting captured. Usually the French would try to keep anybody out, but the head of the garrison has, ahem, a proposition for Dorothy. The Cowardly Lion, faintheartedness overcome by a surge of gallantry, plus a dim hope of converting his show of courage to romantic success of his own, rises to the defense of Dorothy's honor.
Back outside, Arthur has called for the Divinely Blessed Rocket-Propelled Grenade Launcher. Midway through Brother Maynard's invocation, however, there is a big sproing from the castle, followed by an approaching roar of terror. The Cowardly Lion's impact prematurely detonates the RPG, taking Maynard and several coconut lackeys with it.
Inside, the Tin Woodsman is incensed. "You can't call my sister a used Edsel," he shouts, and remembering he's naturally armored and carries an axe, starts getting medieval on the French. He slays a number of them, but eventually ends up disassembled worse than C3PO in The Empire Strikes Back.
With Bedivere now revived, he can relate his full wooden koala plan. Sadly, there are no trees within a hundred miles in this part of the outback. The knights retreat ignominiously in search of a stand of eucalyptus, ears turning red from the jeers of the French, but vowing to return in force.
Back inside, Dorothy has finally capitulated to save the Scarecrow from becoming stable fodder, and Toto from pate. The French commander takes her up to his room, and produces a bottle of red wine for him to drink from her ruby slippers. She beats him to the punch, however.
"Oh, what a lovely cup you have. Could I have my drink in that?"
Hormone-addled as he is, he gladly hands over the Golden Cup. Before he can begin pouring, she clicks her heels three times and vanishes back to Kansas. A Qantas flight brings her back to Sydney 36 hours later to claim victory, and organize a search party to recover Toto and the Scarecrow. The Cowardly Lion gets a royal funeral befitting the King of the Jungle, and the Tin Woodsman's good karma gets him recycled into the chassis of a Rolls-Royce.
- Call me Shane
...And Dorothy & friends go down screaming.
- Big Boy
The Oz crew is demoralized after their last quest. Glenda held out on them and the wizard turned out to be a fraud. Should they make it past the Aussies. They will die with out food or water in the outback. How much stuff can Dorothy's stupid basket hold ?
- The Mighty Taodragon
As for the other Oz characters, the exotic Australian wildlife will make very short work of the Scarecrow. The Tin Man is probably some kind of robot, so it would be programmed with Asimov's three laws of Robotics which would limit his usefulness in any battle. Then, there's Dorothy. Dorothy was played by Judy Garland, so she would duck into the first pub she sees.
This would leave the field clear for our knights, who would then storm the castle like they were about to before they were arrested, and claim the Grail.
- The Demented Astronomer
- The Mighty Thor
Nothing can ostracise you from a group quicker than dropping some Python references and have them fall upon disgusted ears. They're disgusted not just because you've said it, but because they're dragging you down if you make the slightest glimmer of acceptance or even recognition of said Python reference. It sets up a geek Limbo pole that no one will go under voluntarily. Therefore, all the people who voted for Monty Python should have their votes shriveled by about 80%.
Wizard of Oz fans, on the other hand, will only out themselves if they talk about the movie for any length of time. There's never been a more accepting time to be out, so their votes retain full strength.
- Kilgore Trout
- Noser the Fishless
Dorithy meanwhile will come skipping along (minus Lion-quarintine, Scarecrow-horsefeed and St Vinnies, and Tin Man- dunnyshead walls), unintoxicated (underage), and take the cup and make it back at her own leasure flashing a bit of leg to passing truckies if she needs a lift.
And there you have it, victory to Dorothy!
- Amelia from Oz!
I don't know who won, but I seem to remember having to acquire a shrubbery. I also remember several flying monkeys, a black knight threatening to bite my legs off, a lollipop guild, and being taunted by an irate Frenchman.
Man, oh man, this match hit close to home. Almost too close. NI! NI!
- 1/2 Nelson
- Brian"ain't i sadistic" Robinson
Let me say that again: swords.
Dorothy and Co. get disemboweled early on, since King Arthur needs little provocation to kill a whole lot of people. Arthur then proceeds onward to win the goal, only to find that the French have gotten there first.
'Sides, if King Arthur's here, then that means Dorothy is played by Eric Idle in a peasant dress and pigtails. Since Eric Idle can't do a thing right that isn't Monty Python (go ahead. Screen his movies. I dare you.) or A Fish Called Wanda, this dooms his side to failure.
- Thomas Wilde
King Arthur and his Knights:
Casually strolled through a town infested with black plague, defeated the Invincible Knight, the Knights of Nee, blew up the deadly bunny rabbit with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and ALMOST defeated the French to win the Holy Grail. However, "almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades". Arthur and his knights failed utterly in their quest, so the idea that they will win the cup is highly suspect, especially with the usually good standing that England has against France on Ground Zero(tm)
Dorothy and her Friends:
Dorothy comes to Oz due to a freak force of nature (no doubt caused by El Nino(tm)), meets up with three companions on the way to Emerald City and is simply trying to get home, all the while evading an old green woman with the sickest shoe fetish since Imelda Marcos. Guys, I think Dorothy is seriously over-rated in the quest department.
So, with both parties either woefully unsuccesful previously or hasn't been able to win without the presence of sheer luck (and how often does "luck" happen in a D&D game? Who's dungeon-mastering this, anyway?!) both Dorothy and Arthur are left wandering the Australian wilderness.
In the biggest upset in Grudge Match/Ground Zero history, the match is a draw, as Frodo and his band, having been told by Gandalf that the cup is vital in destroying Sauron, get the chalice in a huge underdog victory. Middle-earth is saved, while Dorothy and Arthur learn a lesson this day: that questing is better left to REAL men... er, hobbits!
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight
1. Ever play Final Fantasy 7, they have an attack called Knights of the Round Let's just say it can do bookoo damage. Hell whenever I need help I use it. The game does not have a Wizard of OZ attack. What would they do anyway? Whine how they wanna go home, get a heart, a brain, and say "come on Put em up put em up"?
2. Movies. The ending for Sphere sucked, it reminds me of the rudy red slipper click your heels and everything will be ok. Granted the Merlin movie was bad, but he's not here.
- Andrew Fitta (who think Sean Connery is better then Judy Garland)
The Knights have the RAGE(TM). Ever since that last fiasco with the Frogs, they've been training, training, training. And thinking of how they're going to make the battle of Crecy in 1346 look like a schoolyard brawl. The holiest and most pious warriors of God are also the most brutal and pissed-off warriors of God. There's no real incentive like that for Dorothy and Co. After all, some of Australia's quite nice. The Australians even make a pretty good wine, too. They could handle living there. Why leave when the place is actually better than Kansas?
BTW, how many of you knew that the translation of the monks chant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail translates to "Please Lord, give us a break?"
According to the Monty Python FAQ, the monks are saying "Holy Lord Jesus. Grant them rest." For the crime of Wishful Thinking Translation in the Third Degree, we sentence you to the Comfy Chair. - Eds.
From his room at the Beijing Motel Six ("We'll leave the light on for you, Imperialist Pig-dog") he orders a massive series of airstrikes on the Castle de Guy de Lombard, Outback office. Taunting a B-52 is notoriously ineffective, and cows make very bad anti-aircraft ammo. Since it's the French we're talking about, the Aussies(tm) send 8 squadrons to help out. And oops! A little bit of "inaccurate servicing of the target" results in the death of Dorothy's party. Napalm sticks to beloved American film icons.
The remaining French Guards are disposed of by sending in some salmon mouse and several boxes of Whizzo Chocolates Premium Sampler Featuring Anthrax Ripple(tm), which the Frenchies are happy to get after a couple of months of Feral Pig Stew. Unfortunately, Arthur can't retrieve the Cup of Antioch, which is on a shelf in Indiana Jones' den, but the ghost of Houdini is called in to judge and gives the win to Tim. Glinda's squashed carcass is eventually bulldozed under during the construction of the Yellow Brick Superhighway.
- Mr. Silverback- Mmmmmm! Crunchy Frog!
It starts out with Sir Lancalot vs. the Lion. But you have to remember it is the cowardly lion. He takes one look at Lancalot and runs away followed by Sir Lancalot and neither of them are ever seen again. Then you have the Scarecrow vs. Sir Bedamere. The Scarecrow always wanted a brain and will fall down on his knees and worship Sir Bedamere as the teacher he never had. The two of them will quitely go off to discuss his education. Now comes the tough part. The Tin Man. As far as we know he is indistrictable except for rust. That is why we pair him off agains Sir. Robin. That is right Sir Robin. One sight of this solid steel-axe wielding thing will cause him to lose control of his bodily functions therebye wizzing all over the Tin Man and rusting him soild. That just leaves Arther and Dorothy. I mean do you need to think about it. An armored knight vs a little girl in a short skirt. And don't even think about Toto he will be steped on by the fighting contestants. After having his way with her Aurther will toss Dorothy to his knights and with that moral boost they will easly storm the castle and claim the cup.
- Jon White
- Crazy Rob's Used Joke Emporium
First, look at the enemy each has to fight. Dorothy has to beat the French, like that's going to be hard, she doesn't even need the football hooligans. The French aren't going to be able to find livestock for their cataputs in the outback, plus all Dorothy has to do is simply walk around to a side of the fortress other than the front and go in. Just like the Maginot line in WWII, the Frenchman have only defended the front side of their castle. Please, when have the French every successfully defended anything without help from the rest of Europe?
The Knights, on the other hand, have to deal with the Witch. So while trying to decide if she weighs the same as a duck, the knights will be fired upon by a contingent of the Witch's crack guardsmen (armed with modern assault rifles thanks to the witch's recent upgrades to their armory). This doesn't even take into account the fact that Sir Robin's minstrels will lead the roaming hoards of Post-Apocalyptic bikers that we all know live in the Oz-trailia's outback straight to the men of Camelot (unless the mistrels are eaten first). Nor does it take the fact that King Arthur will be followed by hoards of pimply-faced geeks repeating everything he says, again leading bikers right to him and totally ruining any comic effect that may be to his advantage.
Next, we also have to consider their directors. The knights will be directed by Terry Gilliam, a Monty Python alum, leading them to some wild adventures which either involve time travel or some wierd vision of the future or both.
Who directs Dorothy and her crew? John Woo. It is a widely known fact among Woo's true fans that the Wizard of Oz is his absolute favorite movie. (No, I am not making this up.) We're going to see Dorothy pull a pair of pearl-handled pistols out of her garters and do some serious two-gunning action. So what if she's in heels, this is John Freakin' Woo we're talkin' about it doesn't matter . That French fortress is going to be covered by a thick layer of pate de dumbass by the time she and her boys have to change clips. (Expect to see some cool ax action by the Tinman and, in a touch of irony, the Scarecrow will use a flamethrower somewhere in the final fight scene.)
In short, the only way the knights will win is if Sir Robin gets the witch wet when he soils himself in fear.
- Jeff Acheson - email@example.com
My reasoning is as follows:
Dorothy has ruby slippers.
King Arthur doesn't.
All Dorothy has to do is click her heels three times, mutter her location of choice, and *bEWM*. She's there. Dorothy doesn't even NEED The Tinman, The Lion, the Scarecrow or Toto! Heck, she doesn't even need a bucket of water or a house. She's got the cup and is back at the ranch, munching on a 'rooburger and laughing her ass off at the Knights who are still wandering around on their horses.
Therefore, Dorothy wins. Elapsed time: 4.89 seconds.
First up. Who's in possesion of the cup? Depending on your views, it's either the French or a Wicked Witch (ie, a French person with slightly less of an attitude than most). Remember the recent French nuclear tests in the Pacific? Remember how all Australia and her pacific buddies had to do was whinge a bit and stop buying French wine for a few weeks to make the French fold faster than the Maginot Line? Well that was the entire diplomatic weight of the French friggin' government up against a bunch of beer swilling aussie rules enthusiasts. Now imagine how rapidly a realy small detachment of frenchmen is going to collapse in a face to face confrontation against the aforementioned aussie rules supporters if they can't even properly control a bunch of English soccer fans on their home turf (English is Australian for soft-cock, and Soccer is Australian for "pansy's game").
So, having established that the cup is now in the possesion of some bonza Aussie blokes (who are now presumably using it as a jumbo-sized beer glass in some obscure outback drinking game), we turn to part two. Getting there, which as Paul so accurately said, is half the fun. We have Dorothy and friends on foot, and the Knights of the Round Table on coconut (althought they might be able to harness the wing-speed velocity of an unladen sparrow if they put their minds to it). Dorothy and co are obviously out of the running. The Scarecrow won't last half an hour befire being immobilised by the ever-present rabbits that the English settlers introduced for just such a purpose. The lion, being cowardly, will be accused by the locals of being a poofter, and will have the crap kicked out of him at the first pub they stop at (and they will stop at pubs, you can't travel in this fair land of ours without stopping at pubs). Dorothy, unable to enter pubs due to her tender age, will die of thirst. This leaves the tin man. Since the vast majority of Australians are a)under the influence of beer and b)reverent in their undying respect for beer, they will mistake him for some kind of mythical "tinnie man", and drunkenly worship him as the avatar of Beer-cans. Thus, he will be safely escorted to the Cup, where he shall promptly be encouraged to participate in the aforementioned drinking game and rust himself solid.
The knights of King Arthur face a different challenge. They're all English. Let's look at the rules.
Rule 1) No poofters
Rule 2) No poofters
Rule 3) No Englishmen, on account of they're all poofters
Rule 4) No poofters
Rule 5) There is no rule number five
Rule 6) No poofters
[and to any die-hard python fans, you can suck my dick if I've misquoted that]
This means that they're in the same boat as the cowardly lion. Their first pub stop-off will result in all of them getting bashed to buggery and back (except for Brave Sir Robin, who ran away).
So the end resut is Dorothy and Brave Sir Robin, neither of whom spent time in a pub, wander the land until they die from dehydration due to lack of beer. The Tin Man aquires the Cup but rusts solid in a drinking game. The French get the crap kicked out of them just for beng French (and quite rightly, I might add). Glinda and Tim have to do without their precious cup, and both suffer the consequences of losing. So the score is a minus one all draw, with Australia winning by default.
P.S. If you value your life Jef, do NOT mock the mighty institute of Ozzy life that is Australian beer.
If beer is such a mighty Australian institution, why are you still sober? - jeff
Sir Galahad meets up with Dorothy. Now, take into account what makes Sir Galahad Legendary(tm): He hasn't ever gotten any. EVER. He came very close in the Castle of Maidens(tm) but was "rescued" by Sir Lancelot. And that was probably not the only time that he was interrupted. He has got to be very very frustrated. In the meantime, Dorothy's a Farmer's Daughter(tm). And we all know what that means. Now, she's been hanging around a man of metal, a man of straw, and that idiot lion who let's face it couldn't even think of such things let alone take action -- Why do you think she really wanted to get home, hmm? Galahad buries his sword. Dorothy locks Toto in the picnic basket. She leaves the picnic basket underneath a bush and her ruby slippers underneath the makeshift bed. Neither of them will be seen for days.
Toto manages to tear his way out of the picnic basket and starts in the direction of Dorothy's scent, only to be stopped by Sir Lancelot. Lancelot had seen this filthy creature following a maiden around earlier. Now the maiden has disappeared, which makes Sir Lancelot think there has been some foul play. The Knight dines healthily tonight on shishka-toto.
Sir Robin (literally) runs into the Cowardly Lion. Now, even Sir Robin could take out Cowardly Lion. I'd be willing to wager that Robin's minstrels could take out the cowardly Lion. And since the minstrels are around and they are desparate for somethign worth singing about. A fight ensues and the Lion is now a Round-Table seat cover.
Sir Bedevere and King Arthur cross paths with the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodsman. They walk for a bit together until a friendly discussion about Science escalates into a fight over whether Witches float or not. The Tinman gets a few nice chops in with his axe, but as soon as he runs out of oil... Well, let's just say it's hard for a few scattered piles of straw to pick up an oil can.
Sir Lancelot catches Sir Galahad and Dorothy resting after...uh...you know. Even if Dorothy manages to avoid Lancelot's blade long enough to survive, shell probably spend all of her time looking for Toto after the Knights have left anyway.
King Arthur, Bedevere, Robin, Lancelot, and Galahad each fumble through many adventures before finding each other again and storming the Wicked French Witches' Castle. However, the police stop them again and pick up King Arthur and Sir Bedevere for vandalism, Sir Lancelot for dognapping, and Sir Robin for killing an endangered species. Dorothy and Sir Galahad are on the next flight to Vegas. Galahad gets a show-girl, Dorothy gets a fake ID and Toto II. Glinda and Tim roll dice to settle the dispute like they should have done in the first place.
Overall, Dorothy is pitted against Frenchmen and the Knights against a wicked witch.
While Dorothy has never (to my knowledge) faced any Frenchmen, she has met small, humourously dressed people with funny accents, specifically Munchkins (whose affinity for unions such as the Lolipop Guild and the Lullaby League shows them to be as union-dominated as the French). Dorothy got along great with the Munchkins. They gave her the key to the city, candy, a place in history, etc.
King Arthur once met an alleged witch. He declared she must weigh as much as a duck, and she got burned. Obivously, that girl was not a witch. Had she been, she would have turned him into a newt. Arthur has been run off by little punk peasants building mud pies, and berated by such harsh language as "Ne." A real witch will kick some Arthurian butt.
Let's look at specifics.
Dorothy is from Kansas, which, like Australia is mostly a barren, desert
landscape where no-one but a dirt-poor farmer or a convicted criminal would
go. She will be in nearly her native element.
Arthur is King of the Britons, so he will command some respect and will understand the accent. He's also good with a sword and knows much science.
The Scarecrow may lack a brain, but that is no loss, considering the
competition. Put in some mothballs to keep out the bugs and put on some
water repellant to keep him from rotting and some flame retardant to keep
him form burning, and he is good to go.
Sir Lancelot also seems to lack a brain, although he can hack and slash admirably. The Scarecrow can be cut all up and they just stuff him back together again.
The Tin Man may need a heart, but all they need do is buy a heartshaped
watch, and he's fine. Buy an oil can and cover him in Rustoleum, and
nothing can harm him.
Sir Galahad seems to lack a heart, or something. Recall his actions in Castle Anthrax. He had no clue what to do with all these beautiful young women. He doesn't even know his favourite colour.
The Cowardly Lion may fail in his nerve (or as he says -- noive -- all these
Grudge Matches have a New Yorker in them) but how much neve does it take to
defeat a Frenchman? Apparently drunken hooligans can do it. And, unlike
the Scarecrow and the Tin Man, he needs no special maintanance.
Sir Robin wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. He ran away from a chicken. He requires a minstrel. Also, he is obviously clueless, not knowing the capital of Assyria, or even making a guess (it was Nineveh).
Toto doesn't have much going for him, being in fact a weak point (for all we
know, Frenchmen eat dogs) but hey, he's cute.
Sir Bedievere is probably the brains of his unit, and did command some respect in his litle community, and he did defeat a witch after a fashion, but he can't even act without his visor falling over his face. He may catch his mustace in it, which must hurt.
There are also all the cocoanut men, but they are mainly for sound effects, along with Robin's minstrel (emergency food supply) so they will not ammount to much except cannon fodder for the winged monkeys or kangaroos or whatever.
History. Both have this against them.
Wizard of Oz was written (partly) as a pro-silver standard story about a century ago. The Yellow Brick road (Gold) goes no-where. The solution is the silver shoes (made ruby to look good in technicolour). The scarefrow represents agriculture, the tin man represents factory workers, and the cowardly lion is William Jennings Brian who supported silver and ran for president three times. He also reperesented the good side in the Monkey Trial right here in Tennessee (the Hog and Hominy state). Also, Munchkins were labour unions (as mentioned above).
Silver Standard politics failed when a big gold deposit was found in Alaska. Arthur's most famous tale is Le Morte d'Arthur, written in jail by a criminal. It was also written in French. We know what happens to French in Grudge Matches.
Both have History against them, but Dorothy had more history, plus she's cute, so she wins.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
Bucket of water, <Pshaw!>
- Sir "I _want_ to face the peril!" Galahad
If you liked this match, check out these other past
James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Clint Eastwood v. John Wayne
Grudge Match goes to the Movies
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