The sun had just started to set on another glorious, happy day in Care-A-Lot. A furry little yellow bear slid down the last rainbow slide and stopped for a second to admire the breathtaking beauty of the sunset.
"Hey, Funshine Bear! Lookie what we found!"
Funshine Bear turned around and saw Baby Hugs and Tugs approach, each with a smile and an armful of little red and silver balls.
"Gosh, whatcha got there, kids?"
"We're not sure, but we found a whole bunch of 'em!" Suddenly, the kids tripped over a little star and spilled the balls all over the clouds. To their surprise, each ejected a spark of lightning. In a moment's notice, Care-A-Lot was suddenly covered in a menagerie of odd-looking creatures.
"Gee willickers, kids, they kind of look Japanese don't they?" About that time, other Care Bears started to come over and investigate.
"Golly, they look upset!" said Friend Bear.
"I think this little yellow rat is trying to say something!" grumbled Grumpy Bear.
"PikaaaaaCHUUUUUUUUU!" squeaked the rat as it lifted high off the ground. It suddenly became surrounded in electricity and fired a huge bolt toward the closest Care Bear.
"Ouch! That little !#@%cker zapped me. Oh... it's on now!" growled Tenderheart Bear, almost inaudible over the growing chatters of "Squirtle... Squirtle" and "Bulba... Bulba... Bulbasoar!"
The Care Bears knew what they had to do. They quickly formed a line up, ready to protect their home against the invading Pokemon!
So, Dave, can those cute, cuddly Care Bears conquer the cantankerous cartoons or will Pikachu and his Pokemon pals pummel some perky pacifist padding?
Pokemon vs. Care Bears
DAVE: A Pokemon victory is certain, Joe. In terms of pure combat, they have diverse offensive and defensive capabilities, including all manner of lasers and shields. The Care Bears, on the other hand, have only one item in their arsenal, the Care Bear Stare, which is pretty lame at best. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the Care Bears only haul it out to show sullen children what it means to care once again. Thanks, but I'd rather go with the double-damage electrified piranha attack. Plus, do you know what the "Mon" in pokemon stands for? I'll give you a hint: It's not Japanese for "This way to panty-dispensing vending machines". No, these critters are monsters and as such, are capable of tearing apart the Care Bears and feasting on their stuffing, probably made all the more delicious through the magic of caring.
Let's face it, only a miscreant such as yourself would even know enough about freakin' Care Bears to try and defend them. Now, if I remember correctly, each Care Bear supposedly had some stupid theme and a picture on his chest to indicate it. For example, I think there was a pink bear with a cupcake picture who represented yummy treats. How intimidating. Another bear was green with a picture of a shamrock. If this bear represented the Irish, I might be nervous, but I'm sure he was "Lucky Bear" or some other gay thing. The point is Pokemon don't need cute themes or logos.
Even if the Care Bears somehow managed to mount a counterattack, the Pokemon have many more offensive tactics; for example the induction of epilepsy. We've all heard about the unfortunate children dropping off while watching the maniacal flashing Japanese critters. Well, I'd like to see those damn bears teach me a lesson about caring while they're on the midnight train to seizure city courtesy of Pikachu et al.
JOE: Oh, come on, Dave, don't give me that scary monster crap. "Oh no! A turtle! and there's a little star wearing an eggshell! Run for the hills!" Gimme a break. I can't believe you'd have the gall to sit there and tell me that a puny little mouse could take on a bear in close combat. Even if they manage to put up a fight, the Care Bears could call in the Care Bear Cousins and bring a lion, a monkey and an elephant to rampage through Pokemon like fat people at Dunkin' Donuts(TM).
Secondly, the Pokemon are ill-equipped to take on the likes of the Care Bears. The Care Bears don't just have the Care Bear Stare, they each have a special power. Funshine Bear shoots blinding rays of light, Tenderheart Bear can create big hearts, Friend Bear makes flowers, etc. I don't care how tough your shields are, they aren't going to protect you from loving kindness. Not only that, the Care Bears can stop any attack the Pokemon can possibly dish out in an incredibly mundane fashion: They walk over to a Poke-ball, pick it up and trap the nearest Pokemon inside it. Let's see one of those little critters induce epilepsy from inside a tennis ball.
If that weren't enough, the Care Bears have numerous cool gadgets to help them out. They have Cloudmobiles and Rainbow Rollers all thanks to their resident mechanical genius, Grumpy Bear. For heaven's sake, the guy jury-rigged the "Rainbow Rescue" Teleporter with a goddamn lollipop. He's like some crazy Macguyver/Star Trek Engineer half-breed. Grumpy Bear's gonna grab a couple stars, some candy canes and a moon beam and come back with a freakin' M-1 Abrahms Tank of Love, ready to cuddle 'Pikachu et al' right out of existence.
DAVE: Joe, your commentary has inspired me to write a little quiz for all the aspiring Grudge Match Commentators in our audience: When your opponent reveals that he's backing things with names like "Tenderheart Bear" and "Funshine Bear", do you (a) gracefully ignore this information? or (b) laugh your ass off at the sheer stupidity of it, and show him no mercy? Maybe flowers and hearts are effective weapons in your gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane, but not in the Grudgeverse.
At the height of Pokemania, you couldn't take two steps without coming across Pikachu toys, trading cards, sheets, etc. Tell me, where's all the Care Bear merchandise? The scarcity of it shows that even kids knew how crappy the Care Bears were. Plus, the Pokemon, being Japanese, have access to a rich history of martial arts. I don't care how mechanically adept Grumpy Bear is, he's not going to be able to do much tinkering when he's lying in a pool of his own bile.
Just in case your retinas have detached again, I might remind you that Care Bears are not grizzlies, they're *teddy bears*. So, yes, I do think that a "puny little mouse" could take one in close combat. Don't forget, Pokemon are bred for combat, and their very purpose is to do battle. Care Bears, on the other hand, are worse than the hippies, The Amish, and The French combined when it comes to avoiding fights. If this were a contest to see who could better express their sensitive side, I would have to concede, but since it's a fight, a Pokemon victory is certain.
JOE: I don't think you're in a position to poke fun at the Care Bears' monikers. Really, Dave, names like "Squirtle" and "Mew" aren't exactly instilling the fear of God in anyone over here.
How can you say that Tenderheart's Hearts are not effective weapons? Might I remind you that he used one to break out of a steel cage? These are not little Valentine's Day paper hearts you distribute to kindergartners. No way, these are some sort of magically reinforced orbs of power that happen to be shaped like hearts. Sort of like SweetHearts only instead of "I Luv U", Tenderheart's say things like "Die, Pikachu!"
Oh, and Dave, you gotta stop shopping at yard sales. They may be a gold mine for Pokemon stuff but here in the 21st Century that fad ended years ago. You can, however, still purchase Care Bear merchandise. In the last six months I have seen Care Bear plushies, clothing and other miscellaneous paraphernalia, all in bona fide retail outlets.
Lastly, I'm not sure you wanted to bring up the fact that Pokemon are Japanese, because now I have to bring up the fact that Care Bears are American and if there is one thing that can destroy some karate-kicking kamikazes, it's a pistol-packing, bar-brawling, nuclear-weapon owning American. It happened the last time the USA and Japan got in a scuffle and it's gonna happen again.
I expect a two-phased attack. First, the Pokemon will get ripped to shreds. Then, just to show they really do care, the Care Bears will hug the corpses.
The Care Bears knew what they had to do. They quickly formed a line up, ready to protect their home against the invading Pokemon!
Fast-forward one week. Grumpy Bear and Friend Bear are swinging hard, their picks biting into the powdery product of the Care-A-Lot Salt Mine, under the watchful eyes of a Samurai Overlord.
"Explain to me again why we have to work here," complained Grumpy Bear.
"We were invaded by Pokimon. The only way to win at the Pokimon game is to buy more cards than your opponent, so we have to work here for Yen, so we can buy enough cards to beat the Pokimon."
Somewhere a handful of Japanese businessmen review development plans for the Care-A-Lot Industrial Complex
- I. Phill Kuntz
The Care Bears originally had my vote, as I have to disagree with Dave and state that the Care Bear Stare seems to me to be a pretty effective weapon; sort of an "Insta-Truce" spell that renders even the most disgrunted and hostile opponent a cooing, hug-hungry softie. But then, something odd about this scenario occured to me:
Exactly how did the Pokeballs get way up in the clouds to begin with?
They can't move of their own volition, and require the presence of a master to "hatch" them and send them into battle. And no master is physically present. There is only one explanation I can therefore think of:
THESE Pokemon are owned by none other than God Himself.
If that's the case, it would seem as though the High And Almighty (TM) wants the Bears off of His turf ASAP. Maybe He's pissed about the vast number of Cloud Cars double-parked outside the Pearly Gates. Care-A-Lot doesn't seem to be the sort of place that would be rife with garages.
Whatever the case, I think the Bears (and their Cousins) are about to discover what a certain undead Egyptian already knows: you don't f*** with Jehovah on the Grudge (TM).
- RoboGoober XP
I conducted an experiment when I saw the atrocity that is this match. Being a brave soul I went to the Mall (TM). It was scary, but all for the sake of research. I went up to a random girl who looked out of my league (we will refer to her as girl "A") and gave her a Pokemon (TM). I did the same to another girl of the same stature (Girl B), only giving her a Care Bear (TM). To throw something else into the mix I asked both girls to sleep with me. Needless to say I did not get laid but girl B didn't slap me as hard, and even looked at me with pity.
You may ask what this has to do with the match. Simple, it all comes down to RAGE (TM). Imagine the heterosexual male population without stuffed animals, it's crazy I know. There would be nothing to bribe girls with. The pure money tactic (TM) doesn't come in to play until mariage and mistresses. With the Rage (TM) of horny teenagers, Care Bears (TM) are unstoppable.
- A future high school teacher
The Care bears win, hands down. Not because they're inherently better (even though they are), but because of the previous experience they've had in fighting the forces of uncaring.
No-Heart: Sure, he was the big bad guy that they beat down every episode, but he failed because of Beastly over his own incompetence. This guy was mad, bad, and dangerous to know.
Darkheart: He's a freakin' DEMON!!! And yet the 'bears STILL beat him.
The Grand Vizier: This guy turned the entirety of the Care Bear family into wood. WOOD! And who finally beat him? HUGS n' TUGS. This just goes to show that no matter how painfully annoying they are, H&T can still beat down the baddies.
Who've the Pokemon faced off? ummmm...a bunch of snot-nosed punks? oh! and EACH OTHER!
Odds are that the Care Bears will jump in their fleet of cloud cars to regroup, plan an ingenious battle plan that involves a discussion of loving others and oneself, followed by a sneaky carebear stare. When they arrive back in Care-A-Lot, however, they'll find a bunch of burnt Pokecorpses as the creatures reverted to their natural purpose in life.
First of all, I'd like to elaborate on the comment made that no Pokemon shield could stop kindness. While I agree in principle, I don't think that statement is applied properly.
You see, the Carebear's energy blasts of love are basically a combination of mental and physical attacks simultaneously. With their previously mentioned flying gadgetry (courtesy Grumpy Bear, or whatever his name was), all the Care Bears have to worry about are Flying Pokemon and other Psychics, and this leaves them free to strike at all the other Pokemon from the sky unhindered. It's just that simple.
But to further complicate the analysis, let's examine just what, exactly Pokemon and Care Bears are. Pokemon are "Pocket Monsters", AKA "Personal Creatures", AKA "Slaves To Humans." And Care Bears? They are constantly up above in their clouds, influencing humans in the battle between good and evil.
The Pokemon aren't up against some cuddly teddy bears. The Pokemon are up against some weird pantheon of minor deities! And as any student of the history of Greek pantheons can tell you, the gods don't lose. And Pokemon...well, they do. Pretty often. One loss for every win, on average.
So, shall we side with the eternal, spiritual beings who live on high, or the lowly earth-dwellers who work for the corrupt humans? Book of Revelation says who wins this one, my friends. Carebears in a landslide...of love.
"pokemon"'s Jessie from Team Rocket has huge hooters.
The Care Bears don't have even ONE attractive female.
As a slave to my gonads,I have to give Pokemon the win.
- Tyler Durden(hmmm... overrated teddy bears vs mayhem-creating little monsters? Didn't you do that already? The Ewoks lost, remember?)
Krabby, Snubbull, Venonat,
Mankey, Chansey and Zubat
Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree,
Lugia and Caterpie
Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen,
Elekid and Nidoqueen
Victreebel and Magneton -
Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke,
It's time to polka
Including Ledyba and Omastar
Long Live Al!
- Weird Mark
You know, Pokemon win and lose all the time. Care Bears, on the other hand, always win. It may be saccharin, but a group that wins all the time sounds like a pretty good bet to take.
"Ouch! That little !#@%cker zapped me. Oh... it's on now!" growled Tenderheart Bear.
As sweet and wholesome as the Care Bears were, I laughted my ass off at the thought of one of them swearing. The Care Bears have some colorful language, but I'm pretty sure its not that colorful.
- BIGMRG74 - What's the undercard to this match? Strawberry Shortcake and Raggity Ann in a bra and panty match??
First off, where the hell is the "both killed and mangled" option, dammit?!?
But, seeing as one must win, my vote goes to the Pokemon, just because of the sheer resiliency of Japanese videogame products. My proof: Back a few years ago, my brother played that Pokemon gameboy game semi-religiously. My mother was a little peeved at this, so one day, she grabbed the damn gameboy from my brother, took it outside, and started beating on it with a shovel. She didn't just whack it a couple of times, she went frickin' Rodney King on the little piece of crap.
Any other product would have been smashed up pretty well, but afterwards, my brother got the gameboy back and the only thing wrong with it was that the sound was a little fuzzy. Obviously, the Japanese make their stuff to take a beating. So, therefore, in this match where both sides have "incredible" offensive powers (Saccharine Stare vs Epilepsy), the side that can take the most damage wins. Advantage: Japanese Pokemon.
- Pete the Deranged
I recently saw a UK documentary about bears, which the Care Bears may well have also seen through their telescopes - they'll be impressed by the power of their ursine cousins and call them up to help against the Pokemon (after all, their chest magic isn't exactly going to help against electricity, fire, razor leaves, psychic attacks, and what Togepi's finger waving will do today).
Unfortunately, the Care Bears forget that it's December, and in order to call their bear allies, they'll have to wake them up from hibernation! The wild bears are understandably grumpy about this and head straight to Care-A-Lot to give the CBs a piece of their mind. Worse still, on this documentary, it was stated that given the chance, male bears of a few species will kill and eat cubs! They will mistake the small Care Bears for cubs, and therefore tasty treats, and the equally annoyed females aren't exactly going to stop them!
Any surviving Care Bears will have to abandon their home to the Pokemon and settle down as rare attractions at the Wonderland Zoo. Not that these pathetic teddies will get any help from the Mentos Cool (TM) Hair Bear Bunch, mind you.
Care Bears have that cute, cuddly thing going for them, which means that deep down, they're seriously disturbed and are waiting for something to set them off.
However, Pokemon are wild animals. Look at the show. You've got some kid running around, smacking wild Pokemon in the heads with those Pokeballs after weakening them by fighting with his own "tame" Pokemon, and somehow when these things are captured in a ball, they become your ally, completely forgetting you just smacked them around. The true test of faith in the show is that nobody expects to see one of the Pokemon pull a Siegfried & Roy on the kids.
You're also dealing with creatures confined in tiny balls. These Pokeballs aren't even that size normally, but grow when removed from the kid's pocket, so they're even smaller usually! Imagine being in a cramped cell, then add to that, the fact that you're only layers of fabric away from some adolescent kid's crotch. There's the body heat to deal with, not to mention the funk, since the kids are always tramping around in forests and such, far from showers and laundromats.
Care bears live lives of ease. They sit around all day, letting their guts get big. They just are too out of shape, even if they do have Rage (tm) of any kind. The only way these bears will die quicker is if they were fed to a blender.
- Pareeha, enjoyer of Care Bear smoothies. Mmm! Fuzzy!
For the love of... I haven't seen anything this one-sided since Fahrenheit 9/11! The Care Bears> This match will be over before it even begins!
As established, the Care Bears are just brightly-colored teddy bears! They're not flame-resistant, or acid-resistant, or anything that can help them a single lick in this fight! Do they have the RAGE? The Pokés do - it's the name of one of their moves!
Finally, there's the whole little issue of numbers. We have 20- something Care Bears I'd say, and a whopping 386 Pokémon, if you count all the versions; some of those are particularly mencaing, such as Charizard, Gyarados, and Mewtwo.
The Care Bears stand not a chance in the world. They are encountering the Pokémon Jihad (There is no Jihad)
- GreenNinja, Nintendo Advocate
The care bears must have about 20 frames per second over the Pokemon. That's got to add up to a lot of extra damage for the Japanese- animated combatants.
I choose you, Gooboomafoo! Seriously now. Neither of these groups should really exist. They both teach very bad lessons to our nations children. The care bears teach kids that bears are friendly creatures who want nothing other than your complete happiness. Let me tell you something, that is certainly not the case. If you happen upon a bear, the only care you'll recieve is the attention it pays to your choicer organs. As for the pokemon, they convey the valuable message that it is perfectly acceptable to cage others and force them to fight for you. Basically, Pokemon endorses slavery. I think the real losers of this match are all those little children who have been hideously corrupted by these shows. How can we expect them to grow up and become functioning members of society?? We can't, and that's why the pokemon and care bears will join forces in an unbreakable alliance and obliterate the entire generation they once catered to. And they'll do it with love.
- sPeciAL eD
The real question is, what happens when they call in their fan bases.
Pokemon: Early to mid adolescent kids, accustomed to "Chu! Chu!" cartoons on Saturday mornings.
Care Bears: Early twenties to early thirties, Gen-Xers who remember a decent Saturday Morning lineup and have a desire to slaughter the creatures responsible for the most annoying new trends.
See how fast Jiggly goes "puff".
- Ain't no bloody Pokemon touching my childhood icons
"I don't care how tough your shields are, they aren't going to protect you from loving kindness." --Joe
Honestly, doesn't this make Joe's life forfeit in the Grudgeverse?
- Grudge-Pops: We're big in Japan.
The judgement of the target audience reigns supreme here. My 4-year-old niece loves Care Bears (and, for the record, has loads of Care bear merchandise). She derisively says Pokemon is "for goobers" when I ask her opinion. 'Nuff said.
WINNER: Da Bears.
I voted for a Pokemon victory (and no, I'm not rectal-retentive enough to find the coding to add the accent acute over the E every time), for one reason alone.
Not just because the Pokemon can summon tidal waves, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, blizzards, avalanches, thunderstorms (on a cloud land? Ouch!), plagues, hurricanes and explosions at will, to say nothing of causing paralysis, mind control, and ravaging their opponents' psyches...
Not just because the Super Smash Bros. games have proved that even the cuddliest Pokemon can throw down with the likes of Donkey Kong, Bowser and Ganondorf, who could turn the Care Bears into bottled food colouring with minimal effort...
Not just because I've spent several years enjoying the strategy of the classic Game Boy titles and am sickened by the over-cuteness and idiotic plotlines of the cartoon, and the poor way it reflects on the excellent games...
No. Even barring all of this, I have a vendetta against the Care Bears. As you likely know, I am from Canada. The Care Bears cartoons were also produced in Canada to reduce costs, and once the show was done its run in the USA, it continued to rerun in Canada because they didn't have to pay the USA networks to keep showing it. So they showed it again. And again. And again. In perpe-freakin'-tuity. They must have ran through the entire series 10 times.
And so, in this sense, I hold the Care Bears with just as much contempt as I do the other cheaply-made infinite-rerun bile that plagued my childhood. Like Ovide Video, Sharky and George, The Smoggies... oh, good lord, anything but The Smoggies!
I'm no fan of Japanese animation, but you gotta take what you get. Smear 'em, Pokemon!
- Rocky "Oxymoron" Clock, Proud Pokemon Player: "Eat T-Wave!"
I generally prefer American cartoons to anime of any kind, but the SSPF (Simpsons/South Park Factor) is what will determine an easy win for those crudely drawn Japanese bastards.
Having a pretty extensive knowledge of both The Simpsons (once ranked 1st in Simpsons trivia chat rooms on AOL) and South Park (um...ok, nothing really impressive here), I can state with a fair amount of certainly that the Care Bears have never been referred to in either one.
Pokemon, however, are/were popular enough to merit a Simpsons episode title ("Pokey Mom"...nothing to do with Pokemon, but an excellent guest spot by Michael Keaton) and, of course, the classic "Chinpokomon" episode of South Park. If you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT!!!! Unless you're Japanese... all the small penis jokes will probably annoy you.
The Pokemon will win this match in about the time it takes for Digimon, and Neopets, and all those other ripoff card-based game creatures to come around and pathetically attempt to challenge them.
- Scotty J. - "Got to buy it, got to buy it... Chinpokomon!"
My initial instincts tell me to go with the Care Bears here, strictly because they're American born and bred and regardless of what we do, we always seem to kick the crap out of the Japanese. Proudly!
But then I remember my Mother collects Care Bears and has been since I was a young child. She's a saintly person who wouldn't harm anyone. Her Care Bears wouldn't be any more capable of kicking ass then she would.
Conversely, when we examine the Pokemon/Chinpokomon equation (Chinpokomon was the result of some creative word smithing, look up Chin in a Japanese/English dictionary sometime) we see that in addition to Pickachu et. al. being born and bred for combat they also inspire fanatical loyalty in the children that keep them. 1 million rabid children would tear the Care Bears and the people who collect them to a quivering mass of tissue and organs.
Pokemon victory despite their "so small" penises!
- Todd the Fish Guy
Behold the staying power of Care Bear merchandise: at age 7 I had a Care Bears lunch box and comforter set. At age 27 I can go to the nearest Target(tm)/Walmart(tm)/Kmart(tm) and get pretty much the same thing. Let's see anyone say THAT about Pokemon 20 years from now.
Now, behold the power of Care Bear lovin': While the Pokemon scramble around trying to distinguish their bums from their elbows without Ash there to tell them, "Hey lookee, that's a big whoppin' ray of hearts, dodge it, dodge it, PIKACHU DODGE!", the hirsute army bellies up to the massacre and rains down holy loving bellyfire hell upon Japan's finest.
Old skool all the way, baybee. Care Bears in 2 turns.
- Spastic Elastic
Oh come on. The Care Bears may not have numbers but they have love. They'll just make all the Pokemon love them, so if the Pokemon need to fight they'll fight each other to prove which is the best friend of the Care Bears. The only Care Bears that may need to be buried are Bedtime Bear and Grumpy Bear. Grumpy will be sulking and Bedtime Bear will be sleeping so neither will be aware of the ensuing battle and will be trampled by the likes of Charizard, Onix, or Gyrados. Now if you want a winner of the battle to declare the best friend of the Care Bears, my money is on Snorlax. The battle will rage and one small pickachu will think he has won, but Snorlax will roll over in his sleep and squash that little yellow fuzzball before he can hear Ash Katchum yell "Watch out!" Take that, Nintendo!!
- Shawn a.k.a. KOR
So tenderness and love and hugs can't hurt anyone? I have some words for you: "I'm going to hug him, and love him, and squeeze him and call him George." Those pika-whatevers will get squeezed so hard that their intestines will be exploding out of their mouths.
- I. P. Freely
I've dreamed of the day when I could vote for the Care Bears' violent deaths. And now Grudge Match has given me that. I'll now die a happy man.
As for why they'll die, two words: Pokemon sex. One thing people don't realize is that Pokemon reproduce, and they do it rapidly. It can literally take under an hour for a brand new baby Pokemon to be hatched. And when they do hatch, they often are more powerful, and know more powerful techniques they've inherited from their parents.
Pokemon isn't just a cute little show to sell stuffed animals and video games; it's Darwinism for six-year olds. And since they're the ones so practiced at evolution, they will be the ones to survive.
- 32_Footsteps, who has played way too much Game Boy
This bout begins and ends with one combatant. No, it's not the awesome size of Onyx. It's not Tenderheart Bear's Hearts O' Death (TM). It's not even Jigglypuff's... whatever the hell Jigglypuff does, apart from have a name silly even by this match's standards. No, it's humble Pokemon #132, Ditto.
Ditto's entire gimmick revolves around duplicating his opponents and adopting their attacks and appearance. Sure, other Pokecritters can use "mimic" and such, but only the pink blobby Ditto can assume all the powers of his opposition. Need Friend Bear's control over killer weeds? Break out the garden trimmers, 'cause Ditto's packing. Want Champ Bear's clubbing baseball bat? Ditto's stepping up to the plate. Require Laugh-A-Lot Bear's lung-rupturing laughing gas attacks? Coming right up. On top of this, imagine the confusion the Care Bears will experience when they see their 'friends' attacking each other. Divide the bears, conquer the bears; that's the Ditto Solution(tm).
For the Care Bears, the fat lady has sung. Or rather, the Jynx has sung.
- Mixmaster Flibble
The two distinguished commentators we've heard from are neglecting one simple fact. The Care Bears were, in fact, the recipients of a Pearl Harbor AttackTM. History has shown that he who initiates war loses. Revolutionaries back in 1776 were doin' just fine until Brits attacked. Who won that confrontation? The Confederacy initiated war. The Central Powers of WWI initiated war. The Axis Powers of WWII initiated battle. Kommie Koreans initiated war. Vietnam, Afgahnistan, Iraq: all gleaming examples.
Recall that famous American Battle Cry as the Greatest GenerationTM marched into the streets of Tokyo to pillage and/or plunder, "Remember Pearl Harbor!" Care Bears, Remember Cloud of Tears!
- Daniel Burton
The two armies stand off at opposite sides of a vast, open plain. After a standoff so long that it makes an episode of Dragonball Z fly by like a commercial, they finally charge at each other.
When they are within ten feet of each other, everyone stops dead in their tracks. A little pink sphere drops into the middle of the fray, seemingly out of nowhere, and begins to sing...
Everyone falls asleep. This agitates Jigglypuff enough to take out a sharpie and draw all over everyone's faces.
By the time everyone wakes up, Jigglypuff is long gone. Worst of all, thanks to Jigglypuff's artwork, the Pokemon don't recognize the Care Bears, and the Care Bears don't recognize the Pokemon.
Both armies leave in search of their enemy, while the photographer for the battle curses so loud it can be heard across the plains because he has overslept and is now late for work...
I'm going by the original 150 Pokemon. The new one's suck ass. Let's see...
The psychic Pokemon pose a problem. They get into the bears head and make them see violent images in hopes of scaring the Care Bears to death. Instead, it just desensitizes them to violence, and they think nothing of ripping off Mewtwo's head and using it for a soccer ball. Mew, being the cute fuzzbutt he is, gets accepted into the Carebear society. Later on, he is mistaken for a pillow and is fluffed.
Bears eat fish. Some Pokemon are fishlike. Suirtle, Poliwhirl, Goldeen and that damn duck end up gutted and served next to the berries in the Feast of Peace. Seel's blubber is used to polish their nails.
Bears eat plants. Exeggcute, Bulbasaur, and Bellsprout are tossed into an egg salad. Funshine explodes after eating a Koffing.
Dragons don't exist. Faced with this, Charizard, Garidos, and possibly another one dissappear in a puff of logic.
Ghosts do exist, but not in Care Bear Land. Haunter, Ghastly, and the other guy dissolve in the bright sunlight.
The insect pokemon are swatted. Venomoth's poison kills a random bear. The cocoon pokemon are left alone. For now.
The care bears catch a few Ponyta, and sit on them. The ponytas' backs are so fragile they snap instantly, but the bears sit on them anyway.
Meowth, the only talking Pokemon, decides to run away. He is stopped
by a bear with a pink heart. Meowth tries to save his skin.
- Jay "I know Mew is the 151st one!" Rizzle
Okay ... let's look at the pictures here. The Pokemon are pictured charging with an immense dust cloud behind them - probably the remnants of whatever they just crushed. The Care Bears are pictured atop gentle clouds, giving each other flowers and smiles. These are not the kind of creatures who would use their tummy rays - however powerful - to fight. These are the kind of creatures who will die at the very thought of something as not-happy as violence.
- Hari-Kari - not to be confused with hara-kiri.
CareBears, Oh CareBears, How many ways of death can thou suffer in thus Grudgematch? Let Thee count the ways...
Suffication, Drowning, Digestion, Indigestion, Poisioning, Suffication & Poisioning, Crushing, Burns, Electricution, Decapitation, Mutilation, Suicide, Starvation, Falling, Puncture Wounds, Bleeding to Death, Freezing to Death, and more.
Thou thinks he knows whos fate will favor them.
(Appologies for going Shakespear on you!)
- Dr. B
Wouldn't you think anything strong, powerful, and evil enough to figure out a way to survive the 80's is smart enough to pick the stupid balls up and chuck them like those spikey haired kids do on the TV to catch them?
This match basically boils down to an 80s fad vs. a 90s fad.
I was a part of most 80s fads. My little brother was a part of most 90s fads.
I don't know about you, but I can take my little brother, so my fads can take his fads easily.
Care Bears in walk cause the 80s rule!!!
- The Grand High Poo-Bah of all things 80s
Its a sad day in carebear land; after being decimated by a surprise attack from a yellow mouse, the area is littered with the bodies of the dead.
Pikachu and friends are playing soccer with the bloody head of Care- alot Mcbearim's.
When suddenly bursting from a mound of corpses Fuzzy Buttoms, little known nephew of the Carebears, starts screaming "I saw what you did to Grump Bear, you think I'm gonna let you take me alive?!"
Using the power of his Fuzzy Buttom combined with the "RAGE" he annhilates all of the pokemon saving Pikachu for last who he strangles with his own intestines.
How many times have you ever been in a Smash Brothers(TM) fight, about to die, and prayed, "Please, let me grab a... Funshine Bear?"
For that matter, how many times in the game has that little Pikachu rat hit you with a lightning bolt you never saw coming?
In the world of violence, Pokemon have the experience to SMASH the Carebears.
As someone that played that *&%#@!? gameboy game for hours on end, I know how tough Pokemon are. Any being that can paralyze kids from the ages of 4 to 14 for hours can beat some little bears that can only hold on for a half hour (and don't forget commercials). Pokemon hands down.
- Mewme - I know it will be said 100 times, but Care Bear doesn't care
If they were 900 lb grizzlies, Pikachu and his colleagues could electrocute, incinerate, or perhaps freeze them... but being cute little teddies, they are nonconductive, treated with flame retardant, and have zero water content. And face it, without its special magic attack powers, a pokemon is pretty helpless. Ever seen one of those Pokey-turds beat up an opponent with its fists? Won't happen.
On the other side... there are only two ways that anyone lets themselves be as caring and vulnerable as the Care Bears. One is if they're completely sheltered and protected by someone much bigger and tougher than themselves, such as parents. The other is if they're so invincible that they have utterly no fear of anyone doing them harm. And the Care Bears don't have any big protectors hovering over them, do they?
Actually, I doubt the Pokers would even be willing to fight. Once they face the Care Stare, they'll either slink away embarrassed, be overcome with friendship and be assimilated as the Care Scares, or just run like hell.
- Mr. Glag (trying to cover his utter ignorance of the Care Bear mythos, and for that matter the Pokeverse)
In the immortal words of Henry Rollins from the great show "I Love the 80's Strikes Back," speaking about the Carebears, "Fat girls named Heather would want you to sign these." That's enough reason for me to hate them, how 'bout you?
If I am not mistaken the care bear powers only work against evil targets. Of course little is more evil then Pokemon. That said I am going with the terribly, painfully, eye bleedingly cute Care Bears on this.
I was going to vote for Pokemon, but realized that the Epileptic inducing freaks do not stand a chance.
Here's how it goes:
The Cuddly Wuddly bears are lined up to protect thier homeland when suddenly, from the distance, a rumble is heard.
"Hard cover!" The bears leap to the side as hundreds of little kids tear through fun land and proceed to jump ever last Pokemon there is.
"Pikachu!" The blast does not have any effect on the kid, as they have all been introduced to electric shock therapy by their distruaght parents. In fact, no attack will work.
After the battle, the bears sit down. "How come we're not that popular?" One mutters. The other sigh.
- The Anime Chick
As everyone knows, you never ever upset the quiet person in the back of the room. All those years of bottling up their frustrations have a habit of bursting out when they are least expected. I would expect that the Care Bears have alot of that bottled up inside.
Also, they are Bears, warm cuddly fuzzy bears mind you, but they still are bears and bears can be very vicious. Not to mention, they can turn all the warm fuzzy stuff to war like efficiency pretty quickly.
Well, the Pokemon could do several devastating attacks, unfortunatley for them the Care Bears are the only ones here that are able to WALK ON THE CLOUDS!
- Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo
There are several factors that need to be considered in this particular battle of the pop culture cartoons.
1) Numbers: I don't care if you introduce the Care Bear Cousins, the Pokemon outnumber the Care Bears by about 20 Pokemon to every Care Bear. Hell, even if you threw in the Muppets, Lamb Chops, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, they are getting their asses handed to them in terms of gang-ups.
2) Evolution: Pokemon can evolve! Magikarp, a stupid gay little fish specimen whose only attack is Splash, can evolve into Gyrados, a big- ass snake-dragon. What changes about a Care Bear, besides moving from the top of your bed to under it once the 80's ended?
3) Source of Strength: My idiot roommate argued that a Pokemon gets its strength from its "partner", so all a Care Bear would have to do is hit its "partner" with its Beam o' Happiness, and the Pokemon would lose its will to fight. I reminded him that there are hundreds of wild Pokemon. In fact, there are more wild than trained. The Pokemon in this scenario had no trainer in sight, but still came from (tee-hee) balls, leading us to believe that they were abandoned, and abondoned Pokemon are stronger and better fighters due to their bitterness over being dumped... That's right, Love Teddies, The Rage(tm) is on the Pokemon side of this fight.
4) Origin: Japan is rapidly taking over American culture, and the Pokemon will rapidly wipe out the Care Bears quicker than you can say "One Hundred Percent Authentic Manga."
In short, Good Luck Bear better bring it, 'cuz that's all that's gonna save their fuzzy stuffed butts.
- Club Pimp Moose
Well, the most important thing to remember about this fight is that the Pokemon don't have anyone to lead them. They are used to having a human guide them through combat. They'll just wander around aimlessly attacking in an unorganized fashion. The Carebears however are completely capable of rationalized thought and have an advanced ability to unionize due to there incredible "caring and sharing" power. Its like an armed militia fighting a group of wild animals. Unless of corse Mewtwo's there, in which case, all bets are off.
- Cap'n Freed
It must be noted Carelot (the Care Bares home) is destroyed if everyone in the world stops caring. And is there anything that can stop you caring about life in general more than a bunch of whiny kids arguing over whether Charizard is affected by Ivysaurs vine whip attack?
- Pancake Man
This really boils down into little girls versus little boys... Who can more easily make your life a living hell? A little boy who is missing one of his 500 cards or a little girl who has lost her Care Bear?
- Milo Bloom
okay, I originally voted for the care bears...but then I got to thinking. Care Bears are pacifists, which means they are liberals (democrats). That must mean Pokemon are conservatives(republican). I am an aspiring member of the GOP, so I have to go with Pokemon on this one.
- The Redneck Republican
I tend to agree with the "M-1 Abrahms Tank Of love" thing, Grumpy Bear can do some pretty amazing things with whatever materials are at hand. And although the care bears may not be designed for fighting they do posess some basic Problem-Solving skills such as "Tap The Poke-Ball". Also: The Care Bears are fighting on their Home Turf, BIG ADVANTAGE!!! You'll also note that THE JAPENESE LOST EVEN WHEN THEY WERE FIGHTING ON THEIR OWN TURF, Just how well do you think they would do on someone else's? And besides, America has lost 1 war and won at least 6 with only 3 draws. Japan has fought countless internal wars and only 2 major international wars with an even win/lose ratio. This is only because they fought the Russo-Japanese war against a country which at the time had one of the weakest rulers in history.
But as for the Poko-CareBarian war they don't stand a chance, various Pokemon have lost fights at various times, the Care Bears have a perfect track record in that case. Care-Bears aren't America but at least they're American's and I don't know about all you Poke-Huggers but I'm rooting for the American's in this one.
The real winners in this match are the parents...... because no matter what, one of these childrens fads will die.
- Old HickDonald
It all comes down to one single pokemon . . .
The carebears, as was so rightly pointed out, are teddy bears. What are teddybears used for? That's right, putting small children to sleep.
What is Jigglypuff's attack? Lullabyes!
After 20 minutes of mayham and distruction between Ash and his gang, answered by the syrupy retorts by the carebears, interrupted briefly by an appearance by Team Rocket - (Prepare for trouble, and make it . . .yeah,yeah, we know) - Jigglypuff strolls in, singing on its combo microphone/felt tip pen.
Within ten seconds flat, everyone . .Ash, pokemon, Team Rocket, carebears, the people watching the show . . everyone is flat on their backs snoring away. Once more annoyed, Jigglypuff whips out the pen and marks everyone's faces with X's and O's.
And with that, we mark up another win for JIGG . .er, Pokemon!
(Yes, I have gradeschool age children . .why else would I know this stuff!)
k I'm sure I'm not the first to ask this but why isn't there an all mangled and killed option?
well I voted for the care bears cuz they annoyed me a little less then pokeman does. and besides the obvious power that the care bears posess I have to bring up 4 little letters P.E.T.A.
that's right when those animal activists find out that many (rare) animals are hunted down and trapped in a ping pong ball and forced to go into cock fights they will just go nuts.
even without that assistance the care bears have it considering cramped conditions the polkiman are forced to endure. Pikatcho which is pronounced I peek at you sounds like a world class pervert. is twice the size of the red and white ball that he is forced to live in and he is the smallest of the polkimon. lets ask a chicken that has spent it's whole life cooped up with no room to move if it could beat a teddy bear with it's care stare.
I the insane one have spoken and my words be the truth
The Pokémon have an ace up their sleeve that will leave the Care Bears in mental ruins.
Pokémon #150, a psychic type. Standing 6'7" and weighing in at about 259 lbs. Mewtwo is a cat that looks like something out of Edward Gorey. And he is almost unbeatable.
Even though Gold & Silver stripped him of some power, he's still a force to be reckoned with. He is responsible for more one-hit-kills than anyone. The move Psychic is effective against almost anything and is ultra-powerful.
In short, Mewtwo will walk onto the feild and head-explody all the Care Bears in about 27 seconds max. Game, Set, Match.
- The Brain Gremlin
As a Pokémon Professor for the trading card game and a long time player of the Gameboy(tm) games, I felt obligated to vote for the Pokémon. And I seriously believed that the Pokémon would be victorious. I mean, come on. Laser beams of love and cars made out of clouds going against thunderbolts and flamethrowers? I thought it was a no brainer, so I voted for the Pokémon.
But then a friend of mine pointed something out to me. The Pokémon are a rough assembly of creatures that are used to battling each other. In the confusion of battle they're just as likely to attack each other as they are to attack the Care Bears.
The Care Bears, on the other hand, are an organized, well equipped, and experienced ARMY! And they've had a decade of down time to multiply and fortify. Once the entire Care-A-Lot Military (C.A.L.M.) is in place they'll make short work of the disorganized in-fighting Pokémon.
Once the battle is over the Care Bears will heard the surviving Pokémon into "Caring Camps" where the monsters will be "re- educated". Those Pokémon that survive the re-education will join C.A.L.M. and help battle the forces of evil with Pikacheer. And as for the Pokémon that fail to come around to the Caring point of view, they'll be put to good use in Care-A-Lot's first butcher shop.
- Mr. Grass
This match will go to the pokemon by default. Reason.....
Everytime people, animals, rocks, etc gather, that damn little jigglypuff runs out and sings for them. Result everyone and everything is put to sleep and then the only remaining pokemon (jigglypuff) gets enraged and exacts revenge on his would be listeners.
It's a rule of nature. When mystical animals meet the ones who can't talk will be better fighters.
- ex agent
Care Bears are American cartoons. Pokemon are Japanese. Therefore the Care Bears will win.
It's not a matter of national pride or anything. It's the simple fact that American cartoons never die. The entire Warner Bros. bunch is the perfect example (in fact, I mentioned that fact during the Speedy Gonzales vs. the Taco Bell dog match). They've survived everything known to man.
On the other hand, Japanese cartoons are capable of death. I read that somewhere, and since Grudge Match reasoning doesn't have to be logical (or even true), it's a perfectly good argument.
Care Bears take this one with a little help from such other annoying cartoons as the Wuzzles and the Ewoks (yes, believe it or not, there was an Ewok cartoon, briefly).
- Scotty J. - Debating both sides of the argument is more fun
*cue Pokemon battle music...no, cue FFVII battle music, it's better.*
Care Bears wants to battle!
Care Bears sent out Tenderheart Bear!
Enemy Tenderheart Bear used Heart Attack!
It's not very effective!
Onix used Earthquake!
It's super effective!
So effective, in fact, that it kills every single Care Bear and all the other pokemon!
Onix: And now for something completely different!
It's Mon...er, I mean It's Man: It's...!
voiceover: The end of this commentary!
- Warior-I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna catch 'em all anymore!
Two reasons why Pokemon smash the Care Bears:
1) Numbers. How many Care Bears are there? Like, fourteen? The first set of Pokemon numbered 150 critters strong. And they keep making more and more of the things, there has to be at LEAST 500. Even with a monkey, an elephant and a lion, there's no competition here. And how menacing is "Do-Your-Best-Bear"? Almost as good as an "Unconditional-Surrender-Bear". He'd have a white flag on his yeller belly.
2) Some Pokemon breathe fire. Some of them have little fiery tails or cute fiery manes. Care Bears are... What? Polyester? Nylon? Zephron? Whatever it is, it's going up in flames. Only one question remains... Will they burn or melt?
- Pastel-coloured pugilists pulverized!
The Care Bears have this hands down. If their saccharine attitudes weren't enough to send the pokemon running back to Japan, they have an elite back-up force: nostalgic gen-xer's. Pokemon is clearly a pass(ed)ing fad, doomed to obscurity by the short attention span of the modern pre-teen consumer and the saturation of the fad market by all things Japanese. Now that they are no longer cool, Pokemon will slowly fade out of existance, doomed to spend the rest of eternity with the tamagotchi, furbies, and power rangers in fad limbo. Carebears, on the other hand, have surpassed novelty(the toy equivilent of purgatory) and are now full blown American icons. And let's face it: there is nothing as frightening (or determined) as a gen-xer who isn't getting their way. Ever seen two grown women fighting over the last of anything? Enough said. Point, match, and Game to Carebears.
- Fanza B. Goode, neanderthal in training
"Hug The Corpses" would be a good name for a rock band.
- Lynne Truss (You know, the panda bears and grammar chick)
Pokemon isn't just a cute little show to sell stuffed animals and video games; it's Darwinism for six-year olds.
- 32_Footsteps, who has played way too much Game Boy
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: Every one but Annie.
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: Every one but Annie.