World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

In a shadowy conference room deep below the earth...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself", a shadowy man announces. "My name is Dr. Steve Levine, and I am Director of the Weird Science division of the ExxonMobil corporation (tm). A few weeks ago, during the course of my research, I stumbled upon a revolutionary new source of energy. One that is renewable, abundant, and cheap. Not only that, the resulting emissions cause people who inhale it to love one another. I call this new...

"Is it made of hemp?" asks a long-haired individual seated in the audience.

"Er... yes, there are elements of cannabis in the new fuel mixture... But the other active ingredients are in fact hand-churned buttermilk and ground wheat. I call it... Flour Power." A huge electronic sign with the letters "TM" ignites behind Steve.

"Ay, English, 'tis a boon for our people. With us controlling the hand-churned buttermilk industry, we could become as affluent as the wealthiest Saudi princes" says a plain-looking man, rising from his seat. "We could raise barns in a more efficient way," says another. "And then we could leave this back-breaking lifestyle behind. The hell with this stone-age crap."

"Dude, like, chill out man. We need to burn this stuff in front of every world leader, man. That way, we could usher in a new era of peace and love. Your barn-raising trip is like, harshing my vibe, man."

"Yes, the executives at Exxon called me mad," continues Steve. "Mad, I tell you! So, I have decided to sell this new technology. Only one group may possess its secrets. Given that I've been with the WWWF longer than I've been with ExxonMobil, the interested parties shall fight over it, and to the winner shall go the spoils. I know you're not accustomed to fighting, but you'll figure it out soon enough."

Steve peers into the audience, seeing only a vast sea of plain black clothes and hats to his left, and tie-dye to his right. The two groups begin circling each other warily...

So, Dave, pronounce on the party that procures the power, the Pennsylvanians or the Peaceniks.




The Commentary

DAVE: Under normal circumstances, neither side would choose to duke it out, but this is Grudge Match, and so a brawl there shall be, English! That said, the Amish are walking out of there with the new fuel. When forced into combat, they will be far stronger than a bunch of damn hippies. Raising barns and churning butter requires muscle. And a life of deprivation can only make one stronger. When Rocky had to fight Ivan Drago, he didn't light a joint and watch Teletubbies, he moved to Russia and lived off the land!

That reminds me, the Hippies' fondness for the bud (TM) will also be a huge liability. It's hard to take an opponent seriously if he's staring into space and giggling and saying things like "Groovy, man". The Amish may be a little nutty for not availing themselves of such modern amenities as The Clapper (TM) and TiVo, but no-one can deny that they live a healthy, drug-free lifestyle. Years of scarfing Fritos, twinkies, and other "munchie"-induced snacks have made the hippies soft and flabby.

As we learned in Pee-Wee vs. Gilligan, Battle of the Deadly Sins, and to a lesser extent, Brian vs. Steve, sexual repression is very strong motivator. Seeing all those loose hippie chicks, and all the free love will stir the Amish into a frenzy. That will translate into victory on the battlefield. I see the Amish as a well-organized, thoroughly prepared army, and the Hippies as a bunch of chaotic, barely-evolved barbarians, just waiting to be civilized. What do you say to that, Moonbeam?

JOHN: Having just completed a longitudinal study of Dave's matches, it is jarringly apparent that there are only three reasons why anyone would ever vote for one of Dave's candidates in a Grudge Match. Firstly, there's the strict pity vote, as Dave famously affects the writing style of the acutely mentally retarded, and also given the close similarity of his name to beloved retarded icon Dave Coulier. Secondly, there are those who are swayed to vote for Dave in admiration of his second career as an amateur adult film star (personal motto: You can't spell "Dave" without "DVDA"). Thirdly, there are those who vote for him because they live in fear of retribution from his twin brother John "Half Nelson" Ashcroft, and don't want to end up in prison labeled as a terrorist sympathizer. These are all good and valid reasons for voting for Dave's side, as opposed to being swayed by his argumentation, which is frickin' non-existent.

Let's face it, the hippies will take this one, even though it's pretty clear that the aforementioned Dave Coulier would end up winning over either of these two groups. Firstly, there's the fact that hippies are famously dirty, which is a weapon in itself. No way the notoriously meticulous Amish can handle the stench of patchouli oil and caked-in grime without passing out. Secondly, there's the radical factor - those on the edge of each group which can be expected to dictate the pace of the combat. For every Harrison Ford or Randy Quaid, there are dozens and dozens of Black Panthers or Symbionese Liberation Army types who are trained, mentally unstable, and ready to rumble.

Additionally, if you are to believe Dave's line about sexual repression equaling pugilism, how do you explain Clinton? That hippie bastard was among the top-five most laid of all time, and every time one of his sexual episodes became public, he carpet-bombed a small country into submission. Ask the Serbs or the Somalis how "groovy" they thought Clinton was.

Finally, if the Amish are going to be driven into a "frenzy" over the prospect of free love, and end up partaking in it with the loose hippie chicks, doesn't the mere fact of their participation turn them into hippies themselves? The hippies will just absorb the ex-Amish, Borg-style, and lay claim to victory. QED. The hippies get the flower power and the Amish find out that practicing the Kama Sutra beats the living crap out of practicing square dancing ten times out of ten.

DAVE: So, you're saying that Hippies are like Borg Black Panthers? Or Somali Bill Clintons? Your demented metaphors make no sense whatsoever. You'd do well to stick to your personal attacks at me, since arguing coherently is clearly well beyond your scope. Being dirty is a weapon? That one's no surprise, coming from you. To counter this well-thought-out and not-at-all-stupid stratagem, the Amish could, say, breathe through their mouths! You make this too easy!

The Amish won't end up partaking in the Free Love. They're not allowed. But the temptation, frustration, and deprivation will erupt in Hippie-smashing devastation. Is Bill Clinton really the best Hippie representative you could come up with? If this were Rednecks vs. Amish, I might grant you that one. Offhand, I can think of a few Amish allies that would kick even the toughest hippie's tie-dyed ass!

Furthermore, a brawl such as this requires commitment, belief in the righteousness of one's cause. The Amish are still churning that butter and driving those buggies despite overwhelming pressure to get with the times. Where are the hardcore "Screw the Establishment" hippies today? Driving SUV's and sipping cappuccinos at Starbucks. Hippies = Sellouts, and they won't last long in a fight against the steadfast Amish.

Oh yeah, and you can't spell 'Hnatyshyn' without getting an aneurysm.

JOHN: You knew the inherent danger of screwing around with Slavic names before you started with your crazy spelling bee, Dave, so don't lay that at my door. Your aneurysm, your fault.

Of course hippies are sellouts. Arguing that this somehow hurts their chances in this matchup is the kind of bizarre mental contortion that we have come to expect from our favourite aneurysmically enhanced commentator. So now the hippies drive their SUVs into the defenceless Amish, or pour their scalding hot cappuccinos onto their foes. This makes them less dangerous exactly how...?

Oh, and the Amish are "not allowed" to partake in the deliciously decadent, hot and sweaty sex readily available from the loose hippie chicks, of the sort previously only available in Thai bathhouses or the latest Half Nelson film? Because, you know, that would go against the core tenets of their religion, right? But engaging in a pier six brawl is? Come on Dave, that logic is so weak, a public shunning is in order. Given their religion's views on the appropriateness of turning the other cheek ad nauseum, it's plain to see that the Amish will accept repeated SUV hits to the groin with their characteristic nonviolence, allowing the hippies to abscond with the energy source.

Following which, I'm sure the hippies will have their ass handed to them by the Swiss, but that's a match for another time...

The Results


Amish (2384 - 61.8%)



Hippies (1473 - 38.2%)

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Voter Comments


Living in Ohio, I've seen both hippies and Amish at their best and their worst. And really, "worst" is what counts here.

Get hippies mad enough and they'll mob -- they'll yell and scream and accuse you of crimes against humanity, but at the end of the day, they won't be so un-groovy as to react physically unless they really have to.

But the Amish ... oh man. A few years back, a drunk driver killed some Amish kids walking down a country road; and when the driver got off with just a slap on the wrist, there was hell to pay. Drive-by cheese-throwings. Barns being erected in peoples' front lawns in the dead of night. For two whole days, butter ran in the streets, and there was nothing the police could do about it. The only thing that saved the town was that the Amish all had to stop on Sunday to go to church.

As they say, never bet on the white guy ... unless he's Amish.

- Lou the Inscrutable

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

We here in Amish Country take a lot of shit from you tourists, with your annoying questions and whiny attitudes ("It smells here!" It's friggin' manure, what'd you expect? Roses? Deal with it!), and it's time we struck back.

Let's not waste words, here - the Amish are tough. They've collectively flipped the bird at modern society, effectively saying "Hey, you know that electricity thing, that you folks couldn't live without for ten minutes? Yeah, we don't need that, we're good, thanks." They're up working at 4 AM, and they work with just hands and horses. There's a reason that they can raise a barn in one day - they work hard, and they work together. The "Gee, dude, what cause are we fighting for this week?" attitude of the herbally-impaired is no match for this act of community solidarity.

They're shrewd capitalists, even more so than their quilt-selling stereotypes would let you believe, selling farmland for millions of dollars to idiot city-folk. Hell, I'm writing this commentary from a house built by Amishmen, and I know those plain buggers skimped on the building materials (what, you think they're going to do their best work on a house for Yankees? Don't be doppik, Jacob). Rustic feel, my ass.

To close, here are three points:

1.) Names: Amos Burkholder sounds like he could kick your ass. Starshine Moonbeam sounds like a 90-pound, long-haired freak who doesn't bathe and has a permanent glazed look in her eyes.

2.) On the Voyager spacecraft, now hurtling towards deep space, there is a gold record. This record shows different facets of human life, which will be hopefully discovered by alien races. The point? On this record, there is a picture of none other than our Amish friends, raising a barn. That's right, the Amish are our ambassadors to the stars; and if Star Trek IV has taught us nothing, it's that you don't screw with our ambassadors to the stars.

3.) The Amish were in the movie "Witness". Harrison Ford starred in "Witness", and snagged an Oscar nomination. I'm sure Mr. Ford, a carpenter himself, will be more than willing to offer a hand, or whip, or blaster to help out. Besides, he's 2-0 in Grudge Match standings (Indy and Han), while the hippies are 1-1 (Cheech and Chong, Rev. Jim). In Grudge Match, it's not who you are, it's who you know.

The Amish will open a butter-churn of whoop-ass on these Englishers.

- Tracer Lebzelter

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Are you kidding? No fight. As soon as the wacky Mennonites take a good look at who they're fighting -- long-haired dirty-smelly guys who rap about peace and love -- they'll conclude they're up against a whole army of Jesuses (Jesii?) and bow down in reverence.

Next time you see one of those buggies meandering down the road, it'll be covered in technicolour swirlies. Even the horses.

- Monkeydog
Maybe, in celebration, they'll all participate in a good ol'-fashion' bong-raising.

And thus, the LORD didst sit upon His throne, watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special(TM), the Archangel Gabriel at His side.

"I never get tired of watching this." the LORD didst chuckle. "That dog always cracks Me up."

"Oh, my LORD," spake Gabriel. "The new Grudge Match is up at last."

"Ah, yes." pronounceth the LORD. "Amish vs. Hippies. Such a silly quarrel. The Amish are My people, and their friend Harrison Ford is truly... awesome. Those trifling hippie sinners shall be smote, or at least if the voters see the truth."

"Will they, my LORD?" Gabriel didst query.

"You know that I don't like giving away the winner of Grudge Matches in advance. Where would the fun in that be?" the LORD didst proclaim, a smile on His lips.

"I suppose so." Gabriel didst say. "But Michael and I have a few shekels resting on the outcome of TOC II. I don't suppose..."

And the LORD didst laugh, and laugh, until the skies didst quake. "Be patient. I know three weeks seems a long time, but the Grudge Matches shall continue for the steadfast. Besides, we have My Son's birthday party in the meantime, so things will be far from boring. Oh, here is the part where the children all sing 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'..."

- Oxymoron - God Bless Us, Every One! (Even Fluffy)

Hippies are too easily distracted and fragmented to win anything. Seen any sort of protest lately? For every person there protesting the billed evilness, there's someone protesting something else entirely. Hold a "No War on Iraq" rally and you'll end up with:
  • 35% anti-WTO protesters
  • 22% anti-Israel protesters
  • 14% naked people spitting at non-vegans
  • 9% guys screaming "Free Mumia!"
  • 8% people yelling "By any means necessary!" but not saying WHAT by any means necessary
  • 3% random hooligans
...leaving 9% actually protesting a war with Iraq. And of those, less than 2% will be able to tell you WHY.

- Lefty Lucy (the hippies must lose 'cause they give us a bad name.)

What, a cheap, renewable, revolutionary energy source, and no "Both shoved out of the way by Big Business, which will take this discovery and bury it" button?

- mtk1701

It really boils down to the BABE factor. Will conservative Amish dresses and hand-made baggy underwear compare with the natural sensuality of hippie fashion?

I think not.

- Disgruntled Duck

The definitive pop-culture Amish is "Weird Al" Yankovic from the Amish Paradise clip.

The definitive pop-culture hippy is Neil from The Young Ones.

You just had to pit the funniest American alive against my favourite character from a classic British Comedy, didn't you? Thanks for ruining my day. Thanks a frickin' lot. *sigh*

I'm going to go and sneak a peek at my Christmas presents again, that should cheer me up. Happy holidays, Grudgsters.

- Mixmaster Flibble

Dave suggested that a strategy to overcome the stench of hippies "the Amish could, say, breathe through their mouths".

Clearly Dave has never been in the same county as a fully loaded diaper (the strongest stench known to man, and a Saddam- approvedtm bio weapon).

When dealing with a stench of mass destruction (such as diapers, unwashed hippies, and a Pia Zadora film retrospective), you taste it rather than smell it.

Breathing through your mouth is an option only if you misplace your cyanide pill.

- Numbnuts

And now from the home office in Wahoo Nebraska, top 10 reasons why the Amish will kick ass:

10. Pent up rage from high school kids making fun of Jebediah name.
9. Churned butter spiked with Dianabol.
8. Harrison Ford never made a hippie movie.
7. Toxic Fumes from Hershey Park give Amish superheroes the strength to raise barns.
6. Hippie girls: Hairy armpits. Amish girls: Hairy backs.
5. Two words: Brown Acid
4. Amish actually a front for the Ohm-ish, the ancient group of kung fu fighting meditating Pennsylvania warriors.
3. The Ahmish can shoe a horse fully clothed in black wool pants in the summer. Hippies have to strip naked and take a nap after dancing in a circle to Janis Joplin.
2. Pennsylvania Quarterbacks Joe Namath, Joe Montana, Johhny Unitas, Joe Blanda, Dan Marino and Jim Kelly are actually exiled Amish who "just couldn't hack it."
1. The hippies could never survive a Randy Quaid bowling movie.

No contest. Even the Hasidic Jews look to the Amish and say "Damn, those brothers are hard-core. Props out yo to Israel."

- Ezekiel Budo

Not only are Amish chicks unlikely to get naked, I'm not sure I'd want to see them if they did.

Therefore pass the power to the hippie chicks. Spread the free love over here, will ya?

- Hurricane Andrew

I live in the heart of Amish country (would be TM, but they won't tolerate such Satanic crap), and therefore, I can tell you that you are both missing the crucial factor involved here.

The rules of the Amish church say that you can't join the church until you're 18, but until then, you can do ANY DAMN THING YOU WANT TO. Remember a couple years back when those Amish guys got busted for dealing in cocaine? That's actually relatively common, do to the profligancy of Amish GANGS. I kid you not. The two big ones are called the Antiques and the Crickets, or the 'Tiques and the 'Cricks for short. While gang warfare doesn't happen often because both gangs have the exact same colors (black) Amish youth have been known to have raucous parties where they show off their customized buggies by adding so many safety reflectors that you can't look directly at them without suffering severe retinal damage. They have also been known to have street races with these low-ridin' buggies, some of which have up to 4 horsepower (literally).

With rides like this, the hippies don't stand a chance. The Amish street gangs bring them down in a drive-by pitchforking.

- Jak the Duck

I'm going to base this response off of my personal experiences with both groups involved.

I have seen Amish people only once in my entire sixteen years, at Hershey Park, Pennsylvania. I didn't talk to them, but I did see them get into a big van driven by someone else.

I've seen hippies for as long as I can remember. My dad is an ex- Hippie (I've got his old stuff), people in my town (Davis) live in domes, and we voted for Nader without being under the influence of ANYTHING.

Based on sheer numbers, the hippies are gonna win.

- Rainwoman

Sheesh, didn't you guys see the award-winning documentary Devil's Playground? Amish young punks do everything sinful and then some: smoke grass, drink beer, listen to thrash metal, have sex... yah who woulda thunk it that a lot of Amish are already deflowered by their wedding night.

"So what, ya blithering idiot? Hippies already do all that!" True... but are Hippies encouraged to do it... by their own parents?? Yup, 'tis true: when you're Amish you leave school after 8th grade, then work for two years, just to make money to blow on drugs, booze and chicks. And cars. Cars that guzzle down gas, thus further corrupting the morals of these "Christian" youths. When you think about it, Amish are like the Yakuza of the sinning world... guess that makes Hippies the "Arkansas Mafia".

Plus, I happen to know that a lot of Amish own firearms. When was the last time a nonviolent Hippie, apart from the Manson Family, had to pack any heat?

Amish get the fuel, then spend a single day building a warehouse the size of downtown Chicago to store it in. Hippies get relocated to Turkey.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight says watch out for the Mennonite In Black

The two groups circle each other, throwing weird comments occasionally, but with no violence occurring at all. But then the deciding factor enters the room...


Now, Homer doesn't respect the Amish - when he went to their country, he took advantage of their peaceful nature by sticking ice creams everywhere ('I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!') But Hippies, that's different. I mean, Homer's mother was a hippy, and so was he for a brief period. Not a particularly good one, but who cares about that.

Homer quickly joins the army of Hippies and with a cry of 'Come on, guys, let's freak out these squares!' he releases a giant vat of ice cream which buries the Amish. He then dances on the remains singing 'Uptown Girl' while the Hippies look on, disturbed.

- Richard

The Hippies: Smoked, drank, and doped themselves up to their hearts content, then ducked out on their draft slips to avoid going to war.

The Amish: Constantly face struggles of day to day life without the aid of modern technology and drugs. They protect their flocks with a vengeance against predators and live off the land.

Conclusion: Anyone who can be drugged up on fifteen different substances and yet still have the mental capabilities to refuse to go to war are wusses indeed.

- Pulmonox

The Amish have a few advantages that make this match a given.

Firstly, they're in shape. They do hard manual labor all day, and thus are muscly and beefy, capable of taking on unarmed US soldiers. The hippies' main form of exercise is yoga which, while making one flexible, is not exactly the preferred method of Hardcore Asskickers (tm). Plus, the hippies' drug-slowed reflexes are a major setback.

Secondly, they have no philosophical issues with necessary violence. How could anyone forget "getting medieval on your heinie"?! Whereas the hippies are STILL mumbling, "Make love, not war.." ..not that they're capable of even making love properly. Even if the Amish don't use guns(which they might conceivably.. there were guns in the 1600s, you know), they'll bring out the wooden paddles. Ouch.

The Amish in ten minutes.

Oh, one more thing. John, what were you thinking, calling Clinton a hippie?! One 'I didn't inhale' does not equal 'peace, love and grass forever'.

- Zannah, the Arabian Rose

Where's my "None mangled and killed button?"

- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium

Dave's Rocky IV reference was all it took for me to vote for the Amish.

- Grudge-Pops™: Mmmm......blood.....

In honor of the holidays, the Amish take this one. This is Christmas time, after all. And you oughta know by now that paunchy, bearded men riding around in animal-driven carriages wield considerable POWER this time of year.

- RoboGoober98 (Then again, Jerry Garcia DID look an awful lot like Santa...)

I will decide this match by comparing the two contestants to various thingies.

I noticed how Dave gave out a link to Roadkill. There was only one time I ever saw an ECW match, and it just so happens that Roadkill got his ass handed to him by that ninja dude on that match. Given that, I would also like to say that roadkill smells like my grandpa after he fell into a dumpster filled with plague-ridden fly poo after a molasses flood.

Roadkill sucks. Ninjas rule.

John hinted that Harrison Ford was once amish (or at least that was the message I was getting). He also mentioned the Black Panthers being hippies. Now, I'm not sure about large black cats smoking pot, wearing tye dye shirts and spreading free love and peace, but I sure as heck know that they would rip Harrison Ford's head off faster than you can say 'I VILL not loose dis sheep!'.

Harrison Ford sucks. Black panthers rule.

Finally, amish people sort of remind me of Little Richard for some deranged reason. Hippies remind me of J. Lo.

Little Richard sucks. J. Lo spits.

The winner is obvious.

- Mac

As a true-blue Pennsylvanian, I have to go with the Amish here, for several reasons...

First, it's obvious that ultraconservative religious zealots (like the Amish) are more powerful and influential than ultraliberal rebel- rousers (like the Hippies). For a more contemporary analogy, compare the number of religious leaders who have political influence to the number of computer hackers who have political influence.

Second, the Hippies, as Dave pointed out, are most likely going to be fighting while stoned (and disoriented). The pro-temperance Amish, on the other hand, are probably going to be fighting sober (and alert).

And a word of advice, John: thanks to "Star Trek: Voyager", it's no longer a good idea to compare the guys you're supporting to the Borg. 'Kay?

- Andy the Anarchist

I really should vote for hippies, seeing as how they basically shaped an entire generation's lifestyle, created a counterculture so big, it became actually became the norm, and were at the center of the most unique eras in American history but...

I love Weird Al way too much to vote against the group that inspired what may be his funniest song to date. Go Al!

- Mike Brzeski, 16 year old son of a former hippie

hey, anyone who can figure out how to keep their clothes on without buttons or zippers has earned my respect.

- foxy, the stone cold fox and humor specialist at large

Thing is, since most outsiders aren't keen on marrying into the 18th century, the Amish have been basically inbreeding at levels unseen outside European royalty. This means you can find plenty of mutations prevalent among them like extra fingers (I'm actually serious about that). This is actually an advantage for the Amish, as mutations will give them tremendous superpowers. Of course, it also means the Hippies get sent on the biggest trip they've ever had ("Look at the colors, man!" "Those aren't pretty colors, he's shooting lasers from his eyes!" "Whatever, dude!")

- "Mad Dog" Mike

The Amish should win; ExxonMobil is used to dealing with extreme religious fundamentalists.

- Jebidiah Leitzke

I've got to go with the Hippies.

1.) Hippies sold out. (Starbucks, SUVs, Fruitopia for gods sake!)

2.) The Amish have been sold out by others. (rampant drug use,

Thus, this is a fight between those willing to sell out, and those who have let others sell them out. No brainer.

- dok

I think this conflict hinges on one very important factor.

How many of us, the fans of WWWF Grudge Match, have self-righteous ex- hippie parents who berate us for being "slackers" because we'd rather look at a Web site about pop-culture icons beating the crap out of each other than try to "change the world" by holding big protests against "imperialism" and "oppression"? I think I can safely that the answer is: a lot.

How many of us have Amish parents who whine about the mere fact that we use computers and modems and whatnot? My ballpark estimate is approximately... zero.

- -TV's Grady

Come on, this one is obvious. The Amish will get annihilated by the hippies. First of all, the Amish enjoy doing everything the hard way. Haven't any of you seen that movie with Kirstie Alley and the guy from tool time? All the Amish will do is get down and pray that the hippies give up. Their praying will be no match for the awesome hippie anger that will be released upon them. The seventies are over.

Hippies everywhere have had to sell out and in this battle they'll show that they won't take it anymore. Plus, if any of you want to say that they won't fight because they're nonviolent, you haven't thought of the Acid Factor(tm). All it takes is one bad trip and those hippies will think that they're fighting Richard Nixon and his army of snowmen. The amish will have to keep raising their barns the old fashioned way and five more Cheech and Chong movies will be made.

- Old HickDonald

Let's not forget the ability to call in assistance. Who do the Amish have on their side? Verne Troyer, that's who. He was raised Amish, and will thus help out his family. And he'll bring friends - depending on his mood, either Dr. Evil and a big frickin' laser, or Austin Powers and his mojo. Either way, that's some potent firepower there.

The hippies? What do they have except washed-up icons? Even their biggest mojo machine, Bill Clinton, can't compare to anything the Amish bring to the table. The worst a hippie can throw at you is that smell... and if you've been working near cow patties that much, like Ezekiel over there, that means nothing. Hell, I'd take "Weird Al" Yankovic dressed as an Amish over a horde of hippies.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction - currently on the lam from Ivanova's wrath

In this match, vehicles could be used as a base, for shelter, retreat, etc. Let's analyze the competitors' vehicles, shall we?

-Hippies: VW Bus. About as much horsepower as an acorn, and about as dependable as America Online, but a rock-solid vehicle. Plus, a popular model contains stoves, fridge, cabinets, running water (don't ask me) etc. so the hippies could probably live in the bus for weeks and still survive. The bus also has the size advantage: almost a cubic ton of cargo room, about room for eight passengers and their luggage, or, if you want to get practical, 8 pairs of skis, the complete works of Dickens, 98 pounds of frozen spinach, a hutch used by Grover Cleveland, 80 Hollywood High gym sweaters, a suit of armor, and a full-size replica of the Winged Victory of Samothrace. That's a lot of stuff.

-Amish: Horse and Buggy. Sure, it's easier to start up the horses on a cold day than it is the VW, and the horses probably smell a heck of a lot better, but the carriage isn't even closed! A chipmunk could tip it over! It can only fit a few people! The list goes on and on. Hippies run over the Amish in their Microbus, which promptly breaks down 0.3 seconds after the match.

- king rex the first, microbus fan club

Remember - what makes the Amish Amish? That's right! They've eschewed technology because they believe it is of the devil. So all the hippies have to do is turn on their electric van and flash their headlights into Jebediah and Ezekiel's eyes, and they'll run away screaming, "My soul! My soul!" End of Amish, while the hippies party, complete with Saltspring Red*.

*Reputedly the most popular marijuana sold in Amsterdam coffee shops. Grown on Saltspring Island, BC, the biggest damn community of hippies since Woodstock.

- The Jester

I wish to tell you all what I am really thinking at this time but I am too bombed on this sack of weed, I would really have to go with the hippies on this one because the hippies are the ones that bring the good weed into this country I don't even know what the Amish are doing with it. They need to just go back to riding their horses and picking up poo.

- llKeithll

The hippies can never win at anything. Upon seeing and smelling them, the Amish will mistake them for unusually odorous piles of manure, and then proceed to grind them up into mulch for their crops. If any of the hippies stumble out of their stupor to exclaim "Chill out,peace, man!" the Amish will then deem them to be demon inhabitied piles of manure and light them on fire to which the hippies will say "Groovy, yeah, oh wait, I'm on fire, this is one freaky trip, it even feels like I'm on fire

hehehehehehehAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHGGGHHGHHGHGHYHHohnohnoh nohnhohnonoAAAaaaAAaGaGHHHGHivegothemucnhiesmanggghhghgj!!!!!!"

That should be enough, but I've planned ahead for another scenario. If any sellout hippies in their SUVs try to get revenge on the Amish for their deceased comrades, the Amish have connections of their own. Remember the whole Y2K scare? Well huge numbers of people joined the survivalists in fear of technology and surely must have been learning from and building connections with the Amish, and wherever there are survivalists, you'll find extra-crazy militias. This huge mass of crazies will mow down the cappuccino drinking SUV drivers, ensuring a much improved, hippie-free world.

- Noman

Aren't we missing something here? Why would the Amish want to control a new fuel used to power the infidel's technology? And why would they want their greasy money, anyway? True Amish wouldn't have even come to this meeting!

But wait. The hippies must be fake too, since true hippies no longer exist, and no one misses them.

Who could be behind this? Who has been known to wear tie-dyed shirts and to disguise himself as an Amish? Who has filthy long hair AND a moustache-less beard? Who has nothing better to do around Christmas because he made a song about Santa going crazy and being shot by a SWAT team?

Who else? This whole fiasco has been masterminded by Weird Al Yankovic! Al will use his new found money to fund UHF2, starring himself, Michael Richards, and Jennifer Lopez in the role created for Victoria Jackson. And then he'll buy himself an election or two and have himself declared Intergalactic Emperor!

Long Live Al!

Long Live Al!

- Weird Mark

In my Midwinter Manger, a mysterious spectre appeared before me to bring insight into this match: The Ghost of Grudge Matches of the Future(TM). His dreaded tidings: the Amish are better bowlers (Ishmael Boorg versus The Dude, check it out in a couple of years).

Whatever, Ghost-Grudge-man, say I. They also have better police protection (Harrison Ford versus Cheech Marin, link only available in the Alter Grudge-Match Universe). The Grudge-Men are just trying to present us with a cornucopia of delicious Holiday Paradoxices:

Amish Paradox: The Amish community can't want or use any device until it has been "approved A-1 for Amish lifestyle". They'll have to get their kids (who aren't bound by all the rules) to fight for them. But then these Amish punks don't generally have anything that would help, like cars to convert into Road Warrior-type vehicles, although I believe some of them in more liberal communities might have the odd Trans-Am (sweet).

Hippie Paradox: Hippies can want the device but can't organize or work for it. So in their defence they have plenty of forty- and fifty- something friends who could have, I don't know, marketed something or had lunch over it. Ah yes, past tense - because they have no stock options left to buy lunch.

Stop that jibba-jabba, says the Ghost, answer the question, fool!

Yes, well for me the proof is in the pudding. If I'm at an Amish farm I will eat their pudding. But since I'm more boxed in than spaced out, daddy-o, if I find myself at a Hippie commune I will probably wait to see what it does to everyone else. I still don't know what angle Steve has on this match, but I'll put odds on the Men in Black.

- Dave C.

This is one WERIIIIIDDDDDD match, Grudge Match(TM). But the Amish will win for 3 reasons. 3 good, solid, non-gimmicky reasons, too.

1.) Staying Power: The Amish has been here since colonial times; they're still here today. The hippies lasted one decade, and out they went! (Well, that was what my history teacher told me, and he's a baby boomer!)

2.) Motivation: The hippies, at best, were rebelling against the sedate commericalism of the fifties. At worst, they were trying to duck out of serving in the Vietnam War. Why do the Amish do what they do? GOD TOLD 'EM TO. As the Blues Brothers show in the 2nd Annual WWWF Road Rally(TM), if you're ON A MISSION FROM GOD(TM), nearly nothing (except a Jedi master) can beat you! Clearly, religion is a clear motivator.

3.) Superheroes: Believe it or Not (TM by Ripley), there is such thing as an Amish Superhero in the comic books! In Weaselguy (TM) comics, there's the Fiery Fist of God, who can fly and has the power to set stuff on fire. Last time I read comics, there were no hippie superheroes.

OK, so it's really two good reasons and one gimmicky one, but oh well.....

- Katrover Swatroad

So we have two groups famous for nonviolence being forced to fight on Christmas Day.

I hope Dave and John wanted coal this year.

- Canus Shamus

Aren't the Quakers and the Amish similar?

I'm STILL terrified of the guy on the Quaker Oats box...

- ticklewigglejigglepickle

As love child(tm) of two hippies living in the Amish Capital of the World (tm), Lancaster County, PA, I can tell you that the hippies have nothing on the Amish. My home is like many other Lancaster homes, surrounded by Amish farms.

Let me tell you something about Amish farms. They smell like sh*t!! Let me tell you something about Amish people. They smell like sh*t, too, from their farms that smell like sh*t.

And there is this argument (sp?) about hippies being dirty and that saving their beaded arses? I work over the summer for the Amish, and they are a hell of a lot dirtier than my parents ever were!!

Case in point, the Amish kick the hippies' beaded arses all the way back to the '60s where they belong.

(NOTE: I do not wish to offend any hippies. I come from a family of hippies. I myself am a bit of a hippie. But I'm sorry, you just can't win this one!)

- Dawn, the Amish employed semi Hippie

The Hippies HAVE to win. One reason: crazy people don't win battles. The Amish are insane. It's shown by their not wanting to catch up with the times. The reasons? For one thing, they get emotionally attached to the animals that they later kill and eat. "What are we having for dinner today, Mommy?" "Bob the cow." "WAAAAAAAAAH!" Also, marrying their cousins has a very negative effect on their children's minds. No offense intended!

- -tina

9:30 am: Warm-ups begin. The hippies warm up with a few 'medicinal' substances. The Amish build a barn.

10:30 am: Warm-ups complete. The hippies ask the amish if they have any snacks. The Amish direct them to the newly raised barn.

10:34 am: After locking the hippies in the barn, the amish head to the fields to finish the day's work.

10:45 am: One of the hippies tries to smoke some of the hay in the barn. The resulting fire burns down the barn and the hippies. The amish win by default.

- albatross

If you were in the fight of your life, would you want to be carrying a bong or a pitchfork?

- Mr. Silverback & Rambette- We got a really far out groovy kinda love thing happenin'.

As Yoko Ono is currently single, all the Amish have to do is send her to the hippy camp to start dating them -- and break them up until she starts outliving them as well.

- Mike is dead

I took a LONG hiatus from commenting on matches, mainly cause all the contestants were from before my time, but finally you guys posted something I actually know something about.

I am from Pennsylvania. Right in the heart of Amish country. Drivin down the road and driving past a horse and buggy is no uncommon occurence.

And I'll tell you that if beating the crap out of a bunch of hippies will get them Amish away from us, we'll do all the work, and the amish can use the couple hours to build a barn to put all the bodies in. Cause we are not big fans of the buggy-drivers.

We'll come from Juniata county, Mifflin county, from Milroy to Thompsontown, the Pennsylvanians will flood from their homes at the first chance to rid ourselves of them Amish.

Sure, you guys sit back at your computers and type jokes and one- liners, but you don't actually have to step around the horse crap on the roads, or pretend your not home when they come by and try to sell you corn. It's a living hell!!!

So yeah, sure, the Amish will win and wont even have to lift a single unwashed finger, we'll take out the hippies and launch a going away auction/bingo game at the same time.

- Spooner (I better go milk the cows soon, Jebediah's gonna be pissed!!!)

Amish are famous for putting up buildings, but hippies are famous for burning or blowing them up. As Spock noted, "It has always been easier to destroy than to create."

For real horsepower, nothing beats, well, real horsepower. And we're not talking puny ponies or racers, either, but Clydesdale-scale draft animals that do a tractor's job. Take it from the horse's mouth, cavalry and chariots are bad news to face.

- Matt Bricker

I'm going to assume that both groups still want to be non-violent, and that means they'll both try to neutralize the other side without actually hurting anybody. Now, what is the definitive source of information on how to fight and win battles without hurting anybody? That's right, The A-Team. So the group that has the advantage is the group with some familiarity with that show. And the problem with the hippies is that they are permanently stuck in the '60s. In fact, considering how long they've been inhaling stuff, they are probably unaware that Gilligan's Island has gone into reruns. Now, the Amish certainly discourage watching TV, but they're not as out of touch with pop culture as you might think. Every year, some Amish communities put on productions of the Broadway musical Plain and Fancy (I defy you to name a better play about wisecracking drunks who drive a convertible into Amish country). So there's bound to be a few rogue Amish who have watched Mr. T on Harrison Ford's portable TV, and who will accordingly advise the others on how to build non-lethal weapons. Then the Amish can build a barn, lock themselves in it, and assemble old junk into a cabbage cannon (tm).

Once that's ready, all the Hippies can do is cry "Zoinks!" and speed away in their multicolored vans.

- Captain Corcoran


... all I know is, SOMEONE'S beard's getting yanked...

- KingOfDomaDelux

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Midgets v. Centenarians
English Soccer Hooligans v. The French Army
M&Ms v. California Raisins

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Next Match: There oughta be a law.
ETA: Monday, January 6th, 2002

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