It is late, and Doc's Candy Store has been closed for several hours. The shelves and racks are quiet and still. A lone figure wanders among the chocolates, calling out "Green... Green!"
A female figure appears. "Shh!" Green warns her visitor, "You'll wake my parents."
Tiny Goodbite approaches, but Green appears weary. "What's the matter?" Tiny asks. "It's my brother," Green replies. "Red does not approve of you. We are from different worlds." Staring deep into Green's eyes, Tiny says "I don't see a difference. All I see is a beautiful candy inside." Green swoons and the lovers close in for a kiss.
Just before their lips meet, Tiny is quickly pulled away by a furious Red. "I told you not to touch my sister," Red yells at Tiny. "It looks like we'll have to teach you some respect," Red threatens; his M&M cohorts backing up their leader.
"Not so fast," Ben Indasun warns as his gang emerges from the shadows. "This here candy rack is our turf," Indasun states, "Besides, I though we was gonna rumble by the soda fountain." Red releases Tiny who rejoins the California Raisins. "I didn't forget the war council," Red says. "Why don't we settle the score now?"
"Well," Indasun replies, "Officer Crumbcake isn't around, so let's get it on..."
So Joe, pick your favorite for supremacy in the slugfest of sweets and control of Doc's Candy Store.
JOE: Do you remember all of those people that told you "Love Conquers All"? Well, they're full of crap. The love Tiny and Green have for each other isn't going to save him. It isn't going to give him superhuman (errr... superraisin) strength or the will to fight long after any normal raisin would. Red and Co. have a much greater motivation for whooping some Raisin butt. They have to protect Red's sister from a group of horny grapes who are only interested in one thing. I've been on both sides of this little brawl in my life, and let me tell you, being on the older brother side is much better than being on the ... well... lets just call it the "Piece of Ass" side.
Red's gotten a lot of practice at this sort of thing, too. Have you seen M&M commercials lately? They are all centered around a guy, a girl or a group of people trying to get a piece of Green. Even ignoring their supermodel girlfriends to get a piece of Green. Red and his faithful sidekick Yellow have had to beat up every one of those rabid lechers ... and they are full grown human beings! Kicking some raisin keister will be little more than a warm-up for our little candy coated friends.
Lastly, The M&M's are young and healthy, whereas the California Raisins are old and decrepit. When you really look at it, the California Raisins are a bunch of dried up singing, dancing fruits and the M&M's are rough and tumble tough guys. They can give a lot and they can take a lot, too. Anything those old, tired raisins can dish out is going to glance harmlessly off of the M&M's shell. While Tiny and his friends are ineffectively punching away at the M&M defenses, Red, Yellow and the rest of the colored crusaders are going to be working the Raisins' soft gut. I'd hate to be the janitor in Doc's Candy Store because wiping melted raisin goo off the floor is a pain in the butt.
HOTBRANCH: <FunkyMotown>I heard it through the grapevine. Not much longer would Red be live. Oh yeah, I heard it through the grapevine. Yep, the M&Ms are gonna die...</FunkyMotown>
As ugly as that improvised karaoke was, it's still not as ugly as the candy-ass kicking that the M&Ms are about to suffer. I'd make a joke about Red's backup krewe being yellow-bellied, but that's too easy. Instead, we'll look at Grudge Precedent: contestants with tough outer shells win about as often as the "Pay Rod"-laden Texas Rangers, my friend. Just look at what happened to the unfortunate Mister Peanut.
Here's some more disheartening news for you, Joe: Red is psycho. He was taken away in 1976 because Mars corporation couldn't handle him anymore. He spent 11 years in an insane-candy asylum, before being released, and now he's showing signs that he's snapped yet again. How else can you explain the fact that the Crispy M&M lives in fear of his life? Red is obviously a cannibal, eating members of his own gang. Lock the little bastard back up and let Green make her own decisions about who she loves.
Finally, the Raisins hail from the mean streets of Detroit, which means they know how to fight dirty. Not that Tiny and his pals really need to call on their street fighting skills. The early stages of the fight is really the end for the M&Ms: street fights always begin with some ritualistic pushing and shoving. Given the M&Ms' high center of gravity, a simple shove lands the M&Ms on their asses. During my lab simulations of this match, the M&Ms always ended up cracking their fragile shells when dropped onto the floor (the raisins, however, remained intact; dusty, but intact). Say goodbye to your vaunted defense mechanism, Joe.
M&Ms, they bleed in your mouth, not in your hands.
JOE: Wait a minute... did you say Detroit? Jeez, I didn't see that one coming. Please explain to me how the California Raisins could be from Detroit? (Unless, of course, that's a "Beverly Hills Cop" reference that I'm completely missing ).
Well, hey, whatever, it's not like the raisin's location is going to save them from this one. Did I mention Red is a raving psychopath? No... you did. And do you think that makes him less dangerous... or more dangerous? Well, let's check the Grudge Match Precedent:
On second thought, maybe I shouldn't go there...
The really scary part here is that Red is actually one of the more placid M&M's. Including all the holiday and special colors, there's like 26 of them... and Red was the one that got the nod to do the TV commercials. It's not like it's because he's good looking, either. The others were just too violent to be good spokescandies. Wait until they let Dark Brown or Violet out of their respective cages. We'll have ourselves a real slaughter on our (non-chocolately) hands.
Anyone who has been to M&M World on the Las Vegas Strip (Really... you've never been? It's delightful) and seen the 3-D M&M Movie, "I Lost My 'M' in Vegas" knows darn well that Yellow is just as brave as Indiana Jones and sexy, too. He managed to seduce a lost sock. That's right, a sock! It's not even organic, much less of the same species. When you think about it, that's like a Snicker's Bar seducing Bill Gates' corpse. Frankly, I don't see how Green can resist him. I'll bet she's just shacking up with Tiny to make him jealous.
And the last thing you want, HB!, is an M&M chock full of jealous rage.
HOTBRANCH: What an interesting bit of intellectual vomitus... Quick! Hide the women and children. Hand in your men's club membership card and run like a girl. The pastel M&Ms are coming! Please, Mauve M&M, don't hurt me. Your friends, Teal and Fuchsia, are scaring me. The M&Ms are about as frightening as a glass of distilled water.
Where M&Ms World is concerned, let's just say that it's my private Ironic Punishments Department of Hell Labs. Compare that to the way a single bowl of raisin bran confines me to the bathroom for the entire day, and we know which combatant has the real power.
Red only got the spokescandy gig because he's an egomaniacal bully. He either beats his cohorts into submission or eats them. The oppressed M&Ms will be more than happy to help the Raisins beat Red into a chocolaty pulp. The Raisins can even take the M&Ms straight up because everyone knows that the M&M's youth and exuberance are no match for the Raisin's age and experience.
Finally, the Raisins' singing and dancing skills you mocked earlier are the ace up their claymation sleeve. If memory serves me right, the rough and tumble gangs featured in West Side Story and Michael Jackson's Bad video are expert dancers and singers. You might mock the value of being a lithe and acrobatic dancer, but Daniel-san eventually realized that Mister Miyagi was onto something when he had that lazy teenager waxing his car and painting his fence. Too bad for the M&Ms that they'll only discover that fact as the light is fading from their lives.
The scenario makes no secret of the fact that this is an updated version of the classic Romeo & Juliet story: the struggle against intolerance and hatred so great that even love cannot conquer it. More accurately, this is an update of the West Side Story version of R&J, meaning that the specific form of intolerance is racism.
The M&Ms and the Raisins are clearly very different, and it is easy to see how such bigotry could have developed. And just as Klansman do not take kindly to blacks that date white women, the M&Ms are taking exception to this "shriv" muscling in on one of their ladies, and a relative no less. (NOTE: my apologies to anyone offended by my use of a racial slur in the previous sentence, but I see no need to candy-coat this ugly situation. True, maybe a "hard-hitting" news source like CNN would tell you about the "s word", but how does that speak of the reality that these candies live in? Anyone who's seen Blazing Saddles on TNT knows how damaging the censorship of racial slurs can be.)
There is one apparently major flaw in this situation, however. Racism is all about hating those that look different than you. So the M&Ms hate the Raisins... but are we then supposed to believe that these small minded small candies have somehow accepted the spectrum of colors in their own midst? The deaths in West Side Story resulted from one side being slightly more tan than the other; one can only imagine what might happen when a group that is pre-disposed to racism consists of it's own "rainbow coalition".
Indeed, racism within the M&M gang is very apparent. Remember a few years ago when blue was introduced, and the light brown quietly went away? What some might call a "savvy 90s marketing move", the United Nations Council on War Crimes calls "ethnic cleansing". And whatever happened to Purple? He's buried deep in the rack with light brown in some kind of concenfection camp, along with other forgotten candies such as Bit O Honey, Good'N'Plenty and Charleston Chew. And don't get me started on the whole ugliness that is Original vs. Peanut vs. Peanut Butter vs. Crispy.
Yet the M&Ms will win this battle. "How?" you may ask, with all of this internal destructiveness. Simple: because hatred for a common enemy can solidify even the most divisive of unions. Examples include 1.) the U.S. during WWII, when racism, sexism, and classism were overlooked during the war with the Axis, only to rear their ugly heads in the following decades of peace and less popular wars; and 2.) that time in college when one of my three roommates wouldn't ever clean his dishes.
So the stronger, harder, and more popular M&Ms win this battle. But unless they can quickly pick a fight with some Milk Duds or Snowcaps or somebody, their hatred will only grow until they turn it upon themselves. For the sake of their race (and my snack time), I hope they can fend off such problems, for it shall be a long stuggle. Hatred as inbred as this can only disappear with the death of the existing candies, and the birth of ever increasingly enlightened progeny. Such a process will take generations.
Unfortunately, my prediction is that the individual colors of M&Ms will form alliances with their corresponding colors in the Skittles, Runts, and Ju-Ju Bees gangs, resulting in a color-based holy war that consumes the entirety of Doc's Candy Store, as well as the Spencer's Gifts on one side and a good portion of the Baby Gap on the other side.
[Excerpt from VH1's BEHIND THE MUSIC: The California Raisins]
In 1988, the California Raisins were on top of the charts, and on top of the world. Their album "Meet the Raisins" had gone triple platinum, and their brand of soul-based pop had topped the charts for a total of 16 weeks. To them, it seemed like the good times would never end.
Justin X-Grape: We partied like there was no tomorrow, every single day. Our parties, they were legendary. [Montage of various photos taken at the Raisins' wild parties] Girls, drugs, we did everything, and we never considered the consequences. I'm serious, we thought we were untouchable.
But the Raisins were about to find out exactly how vulnerable they actually were. [Photo of Tiny Goodbite with his arm around Green] In April of that year, Tiny Goodbite started a relationship with a woman named Green. Green was the sister of Red, the leader of a violent street gang called the M&M's, and Red did not approve of his sister's relationship with Tiny in the least.
Ben Indasun: Red made no secret about it, he hated Tiny and he hated us. Don't ask me why.
Sax Player: Lord knows Tiny and Green tried to keep it low-profile for a while, because of Red, but it didn't work. See, one day, Red came up and attacked Tiny out of nowhere over at Doc's Candy Store. I don't think he knew we were there. We figured, hey, we're not gonna let our guy get beat up like that, so we jumped in the fight with Red and his gang.
This would prove to be a grave mistake for the Raisins, as they were unarmed and outnumbered by the M&M's.
Justin: They kicked our asses.
[Photo montage of the various Raisins, beaten and bruised after the fight]
Two days after the fight, Green broke up with Tiny. Spiralling into a deep depression, Tiny started hitting the drugs hard. On September 11, 1988, Tiny died of a heroin overdose in a hotel room.
Coming up: The California Raisins struggle to rebuild after Tiny's death...
Ben: For the longest time, we felt we couldn't go on without Tiny. He was the heart and soul of the band.
...next, on Behind the Music.
- Infraggable Krunk
Let us look at the primary Grudge Factors
Rage: M&Ms are eternally chased after to be eaten in
Mentos' Level Coolness: Raisins wear shades and play jazz
Babe Factor: Hot chicks in ads? Tie.
Eye of the Tiger: Raisins hide their eyes behind their
glasses. Therefore, they must not possess the Eye of the Tiger.
Since this is Grudge Mat¢h Goe$ ¢ommer¢ia£, let's
look at commercial success and durability. I haven't seen a
California Raisins ad in years, but I saw an M&M's ad last week.
Stephen Baldwin was in it.
A piece of chocolate candy fooled him.
Variety: This is the spice of life. M&Ms come in 'milk chocolate',
peanut, peanut butter, almond, and crispy. Raisins come in 'used to
be purple grapes', 'used to be green grapes', 'seeds', and 'no
If I was on a deserted island and the grapes were poisonous, I could
dehydrate them and eat them anyway, like Robinson
Crusoe©. If the M&Ms were poisonous I'd be S.O.L.
Raisins are distant relatives of wine. M&Ms are distant relatives of
milk. As wine gets older, it gets better. As milk gets older, it
When I was in high school I had a longstanding crush on someone.
Vicki had a boyfriend, and he wasn't me. For some
fundraiser or another, people sold M&Ms and Vicki always said her
favorites were the green M&Ms. She never explained
why, but I would always sort out my green M&Ms and give them to her.
Vicki would sometimes look at me a little oddly,
but always take them and thank me. If some of our other friends were
around, they might look at me and giggle girlishly.
Toward the end of the year her friend Rachel invited me to a surprise
party for Vicki. For a gift, I bought a little
plastic hollow bunny statue (it was around Easter). I then bought
about 4 one-pound bags of M&Ms, and poured them all out
on a table, and picked out all the green ones. I put the green M&Ms
in the statue, wrapped it up, and gave it to Vicki as
the gift. When she opened the gift she looked sort of shocked. Her
boyfriend glared at me, though I had no idea why.
Later that night someone in the party asked me if I had ever heard
that green M&Ms are supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
I had never heard such a thing, but finally I understood why the girl
of my affections always looked at me oddly when I
gave her green M&Ms. I always thought I had carefully hidden my
feelings for my friend; so now I paranoically figured that
she must have known about my crush all along, because of the "hidden
message" I didn't realize I was sending her. I was
internally mortified, although noone else seemed to notice. Raisins,
on the other hand, have never embarrassed me, even
In a close match, the healthier snack wins.
- Obscured Underlord, desperately hoping he's not such a geek anymore.
I give this match to the M&M's for one reason:M&M Minis.
- The Kleptomaniac
Here's a character breakdown.
Red: Typical high school prep. Thinks he's better than everyone else. Will get his ass kicked for trying to take on the raisins himself.
Yellow (peanut): Big, dumb and ugly. Has had bites taken out of his head, so he's probably got brain damage. He won't be much help.
Green: Completely full of herself. I hate girls like that, since my school is full of them. Won't want to dirty her nails.
Blue: Too cool for the rest. Probably won't show up, since he's got more important things to do.
Orange (crispy): Paranoid. Will be in hiding the whole time.
Minis: Hyperactive, can fly, and incredibly annoying. Probably the only saving grace Team M&M has.
The whole team is idnetical in attitude, and they work as a team.
They're singing style vastly resembles that of the Temptations, one of the coolest bands in the world. They're also friends with the Peach Boys and the Grapefruit Dead. Good for reinforcements. They survived the toughest of times, even having to play concerts on street corners oin the snow (with no sweaters!) Thye know hardship, and they are going to kick ass.
BTW I didn't make any of that up!. I saw it on Television. TV, is there anything it can't do?
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
*A touching love scene opens up on two starcrossed candy lovers...*
Green: I'm sorry Tiny.. but... I just can't love you anymore!
Green: Well... It's you.. You have so much competition! - what, with all the celebrities just wanting to get a piece of me... And well... You're just no good out of the wrapper... you're just so... shriveled... I think there's a reason that you're name is.. 'Tiny'....
Tiny: So you're just leaving me?
Green: Well.. look at it from my view... He's hard and full of creamy goodness... And .. well there is a reason they labeled him 'Nuts'... So it's over!
(Yellow pulls up in a Matchbox convertible...)
Yellow: Ready baby?
(sighs and sits down with Blue, one of the M&M mini's...)
Tiny: Well Blue... I guess it's really over this time...
Blue: Well actually.. I have a blind date with a tic tac.. Literally, she's blind.. Not as bad as my last date though, she was colorblind and was always calling me by my brother's name... See you later!
(leaves Tiny all alone to play a slow sad song on the harmonica... Somewhere out there.. there had to be someone who would love him for who he was... And then... SHE entered the store....)
Monica Lewinsky (to the cashier): I need something black soft and chewy...
- Peter Tutham
[Tune: "I Feel Pretty"]
[The ensuing battle wipes out both camps and leaves only a grieving Green, along with the child she had with Tiny: Rusty the Raisinette. Curtain, Exit Music. Doncha love musicals?]
- Captain Corcoran - Consider yourselves lucky I didn't do a "Gee Officer Krupke" parody
Oh sure, the Raisin Gang might have some people scared because they're from sunny California, but I'll let you in on a secret . . .
They didn't grow up on the streets of Compton or South Central like they tell everyone they did, they led a pampered childhood on the vineyards of Southern California before fame, fortune and a lucrative merchandising deal lured them to LA, where their meteoric rise to fame was swiftly followed by a rapid tailspin into failure. After losing their gig with Sun-Maid they managed to get work as the Two Scoops of Raisins in a series of Kellogg's Raisin Bran commercials, but after being in the Hollywood spotlight, playing second fiddle to an animated Sun sent them spiraling into depression and alcohol abuse.
Coincidentally, the Raisins are living in Detroit these days, a city so bad that some Asian Crime Lords are said to send their victims there as a particularly cruel form of torture, (See "The Kentucky Fried Movie" (1977) for reference.) but only because they sought somewhere far from California to escape the shame, the disgrace, and the paparazzi who were constantly following them around during their late-night drinking binges taking pictures that would show up on the front pages of sleazy low-rent tabloids that couldn't afford photos of real celebrities under supposedly clever headlines like "Raisin' Hell," and "Rum Raisin."
A marriage between Tiny and Green would be good for the Raisins, bringing them some much-needed positive publicity. However, much like Keenan Ivory and Damon Wayans, Red and Yellow have enough of a headache with their talentless relatives riding on their coattails, (Peanut Butter and Mint will be starring in their own sit-com next Fall on the WB, and Brown will be taking over the Martin Lawrence role in the direct-to-video sequel "Blue Streak 3.") the last thing they need is a bunch of wrinkled, Motown singing claymation has-beens mooching off of their success.
Despite the street gang-style posturing going on, Red, Yellow and the rest of the M&Ms have no intention of actually getting in a physical brawl. The California Raisins will be hearing from their lawyers though.
- Don "King" Milliken
When it comes to eating, I would prefer the M&Ms, but this is the Grudge Match and the California Raisins are going to win this one handily. Here is why:
Even the most casual scrutiny will show that the California Raisins resemble a classic Motown group, such as the Temptations, Four Tops, etc. In addition to having great musical talent, these groups were composed of minority men from the cities who knew about dealing with bigotry, being hassled by the authorities, and avoiding crime. These folk were no weaklings. And their music has stood the test of time and is still played on many radio stations. Since the California Raisins are snacks in this tough tradition, Red and his buddies don't stand much of a chance.
The only M&M on Red's team with any fighting or combat experience is Blue. He was the first M&M and served in the Army Air Corps in WW II on the bombers. The other M&Ms are fairly wimpy as they have been outwitted, defeated, and injured by actresses and supermodels in earlier ad campaigns. The closest thing they've had to victory is outwitting the dumbest and least successful of the Baldwin brothers.
So this match is essentially a group of wimps (except Blue, who is really an old WW II veteran - but his military skill won't help) who get beat up by women versus a gang of inner city street corner singers. In all such bouts, the ones left bleeding in the street are the wimps while the gang walks away unscathed.
Not a pretty sight, but I wouldn't mind disposing of the M&M team's remains (mmm... chocolate...)
- The Demented Astronomer
The winners? The kids who come in the next day; since all the merchandise is damaged, it's half-price.
Well guys, I have to side with the Underdog Raisins here. We can refer to the success of the Middle ages here. The M&M's have hard candy shells, not unlike the cumbersome suits of armor employed during those glorious days of lusty wenches and large flagons of ale. How many armies still employ suits of full plate armor with cumbersome chainmail. NONE. Because it doesn't work. So the M&M's, like the dodo bird, are destined for extinction. Plus, have you ever tried to punch a raisin?
I think the key to this conflict is Red's unpredictability. His 11 year absence from the group has only served to strengthen his resolve to protect what he holds dear. Like Napoleon returning from Elba, it won't be pretty. Add to this the fact that although the Raisins are older, wiser, and on a bad day, bitter over their colossal plummet from fame, the M&Ms have worked together as a group for a much longer time - surviving through good times and bad. They are truly a family.
You don't mess with family - just ask Michael Corleone. In a long range war I might give the edge to the crafty Raisins, but this is a one-time, winner-take-all, battle-royal and the day will belong to the flying fists of chocolatey goodness. The carnage will be unspeakable and the janitor will sweep the piles of Raisinettes(tm) into a well-deserved dumpster.
- Ellery A. Bardos
This was from a police report about this match that was just made, stand by for transfer...............
.......Detective Bob's report.'
I'm detective Bob. myself and some other police officers came on scene at about 1:29 pm, after all the forensics boys were done.
Eyewitnesses reported that the two groups of victims, the California Raisins and the M&M's were about to start fighting when the green M&M moaned, "IT's not easy being green!" All eye witnesses agreed that the minute she said that, the sky grew cloudy, some Arc Lightning hit the streetlights, and everything went black.
Moments later, What appeared to be two green figures, one calling himself Kermit, and another who was small, green, had horrible grammar, and an "Energy blade". The Figure called, "kermit", started singing about "The Lovers,..." pointing to one of the California raisins, and The green M&M. "The Dreamers..." to everyone else. If he was trying to stop the fight, we will never know, he was shot by the red M&M a moment later. The other Green figure stated loudly according to eyewitnesses, "War! This means!" And proceeded to murder all of the M&M's and Raisins, except the Green M&M, and an Unknown raisin. They then vanished. The hunt is on for these three figures, they also took the body of the dying frog known as "Kermit." "Kermit" is believed to be of the three "Budweiser Frogs", and the other suspect is believed to be a Jawa. a manhunt has been commenced to find these fugitives. Further Investigation is necessary however...
- David, Master of Gaming Disaster.
Raisins are black guys. M&Ms are...John Lovits
I believe that a quote from "Grudge Match, Da Book." "Never bet on the white man."
Clearly, this match can't be interpreted as merely raisins versus M&Ms...no, it extends far beyond child's play. This is the foundation for communism! Think about it:
The raisins represent the proletariat, with their "Hey man, I work hard," and, uh, the labor thing. And the M&Ms, they're like, um, the bourgeoisie, with their "I don't want to do anything but count my piles of drachma." So then Tiny, who is really Karl Marx, says, "Fight back, raisins," and they're like, "Let's raid the Kremlin!" But Red, who is Czar Nicholas II, says, um...something.
Therefore, the winner must be, uh....who won in Russia?
- The 7th Biggest A-Team Fan in the World
Well, as this match is based off of West Side Story, which was based off of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, I see only one way for this story to end. Green and Tiny, thinking their love to be for naught, commit suicide by throwing themselves into a taffy pull.
Deeply saddened by the death of their kin, the M&M's and California Raisins put their differences aside and go on a worldwide concert tour with special guests Ray Charles and Willie Nelson in order to raise money for the "Tiny-Green Foundation." The hit song of the tour, of course, is "I Don't Care If You're Wrinkled or Multi- Colored, 'Cuz I'll Always Love You." However, the chocolate chips are all gonna hit the fan once it's announced that the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man/Pillsbury Doughboy vs. Jolly Green Giant/Sprout Tag Team Championship Bout is in town.
I mean... can you blame 'em?
- Mr. Potato Head (Finally, a match where the commercial characters HAVE to win!)
At the moment, according to the vote counter, M&Ms are way ahead.
What are ya'll, idjets? Check it out:
Rasins, Prunes, and the band in 24 minutes 17 seconds.
- Inspectah Mac
You're forgetting one thing....The match is by the "soda fountain"!
Sure the raisins are old, but like my grandmother always tells me, you don't get old being no fool. Why do you think Ben Indasun talked Red into meeting them by the soda fountain???? Because Red being a HotHead on top of being young, wouldn't be thinking straight.Iam Drydup already unplugged the damned thing!!! That soda is nice and hot. M&M's melt in your mouth, not in your hands...Why, because your mouth is hot and moist. Doesn't take a genious to figure out that one of the 'good OLD boys' is hiding up there somewhere just waiting for the brawl. When the M&M's line up, They're sprayed with a shower of sprite and the Raisins are standing in a puddle of chocolate. So, once again, M&M's melt in the aisle, not in the stands...
- James L. from Milwaukee
It has to be the California Raisins all the way. Remember those high school wrestlers who would sweat off 5 pounds in order to get below their minimum weight? Remember how they would eat like pigs afterwards? Well, just think what these raisins will do when surrounded by a bunch of chocolate. These raisins have sweated off half their body weight, and now are looking for some major calories.
I think the raisins will devour the M&M's in about two minutes, and then give each other wedgies to celebrate (at least that's what the wrestlers in my high school used to do).
- Ultimo Dragon
You'd think the M&Ms wouldn't have a chance against the California Raisins. M&Ms are fragile little things, easily crushed or melted - and raisins are one of the toughest things on the face of the Earth.
You can boil raisins, bake them, soak them in alcohol and set fire to them, freeze them, sear them under open flames, step on them, drop them off tall buildings, leave them in your scorching glove compartment for weeks… and they're pretty much the same as fresh ones. Try any of that with an M&M and there'd be nothing left but an odd-colored grease spot.
But there's more to this fight than just the M&Ms and Raisins themselves. Where is the match taking place? A candy store! What frightens the candy industry? The growing popularity of healthy snacks - such as raisins!
Fearing for their livelihoods, all the candy in the store comes to the aid of the beleaguered M&Ms. The Three Musketeers lead the attack, and the raisins are battered by Butterfingers, flogged by Jolly Ranchers wielding Licorice Whips, bitten by Coffee Nips and Charleston Chews, crushed under pecan logs, slashed by Orange Slices, bowled over by Skittles, and buried under Mounds. Curiously Strong Peppermint Altoids throw Big Hunks 100 times their size at the enemy, while Lemon Drops fall from the Milky Way above, firing Red Hots bullets and lobbing Starburst grenades and Bon-bon bombs. The Snickers bars laugh the defeated Raisins out of the store, and as they run away the Horehounds nip at their heels.
The California Raisins are defeated, but it's a hollow victory for Red and the M&M gang. Desperate to escape a life without her one true love, Green runs off with a Sugar Daddy who showers her with $100,000 bars…
- Ellery Lake
The California Raisins are old. Really old. Besides the fact that they're aged, wrinkly grapes, the California Raisins haven't done anything worthwhile in years. While M&M's candy is also a relatively old snack (note the M&M's that have been in my Halloween bag for the past eight years), the M&M's spokescandies that are taking place in this battle are only a few years old. This match is simply another case of the old and wise vs. the young and strong. If the two teams were competing in mind games, the Raisins would hobble circles around the slow-witted M&M's. This Grudge-Match isn't about intelligence, though. This is a straight-up, ass-whompin' street brawl between two rival gangs. The young, armor-plated (candy-coated) M&M's are going to beat the Raisins into cheap French wine. And of course we all know that anything French must lose. It's in the rulebook...
- Rob the "Melt in Your Mouth" Turkey
Two words: suicide melters. All the M&M's have to do is get a few of the bretheren really hot and worked up and then send them in. The melting M&M's will coat the raisins in melted chocolate, which will soon harden. Chocolate covered raisins are certainly less manouverable than normal ones, and they will be quickly outflanked by the chocolate wonders. One up to the melt-in-your-mouth marvels.
- The Babel Fish
It's obvious that the M&M's have one big thing going up against them: Tan. Yes, after being kicked out of the gang for that pansy Blue, Tan has a score to settle with his former friends, and it ain't gonna be pretty. Hell, they didn't even think up an effect for him! If it weren't for him and his revenge, the M&M's would have a clear advantage, but as it is, they don't stand much of a chance. Done in by one of their own. Ironic, isn't it?
- The Amazing Rando
It all boils down to this.... which image has been used to rally troops. Raisins or Chocholate? Well, considering that the Union won the Civil War singing "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord/ He is trampling out the vintage where the GRAPES OF WRATH are stored." If the Union could survive such disasters as Bull Run and Cold Harbor, then nothing more needs to be said about the fighting spirit of grapes, or anything derived from them.
- The Preacher
The Raisins are gonna romper stomp the M&M's. Weeeell, I guess you're wonderin' how I knew? Listen, popular vote is going to go to the M&M's. That's because everyone has such a short memory these days. Nobody remembers the kind of violence generally associated with the Raisins. These cats were the dregs of society. See, here's the deal. First off, they've got the spirit of Marvin Gaye lending them support. It's a little known fact that Marvin Gaye and Carl Douglas (of Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting fame) were close friends.
What does that tell you my friends? It tells you that the M&M's will melt in the Raisins' mouth, hands and any other body parts they get near their candy asses. Since they've got the King of Soul's soul backin em up. There's nothing they can't accomplish.
- Tito Puente
An interesting match indeed... Let's look at the track records. The M&M's routinely get beat up by the M&M Mini gang. The Minis are a tiny fraction of the size and strength of the actual M& M's. This is roughly the equivalent of Elmo beating up Godzilla. Seems kinda pathetic.
Now, I've never seen the Rasins fight. But they did scare the heck out of me when I was a kid. Those dessicated little grapes are terrifying! So let's see, we have the Multicolor Morons vs. the Evil Dessicated Grapes From Heck (patent pending). Score one for the Rasins.
- The Phantom
This is a simple question of nature, really:
Raisins are nature's candy.
M&Ms are a creation of man.
What is it that man's creations all seem to do exceptionally well?
Destroying nature. This match will be no exception. Expect to see the California Rasins going the way of the ozone layer.
I beg you, loyal Grudge Match viewers, remember your childhoods, and specifically, turn your minds to Halloween. Yes, this time of year was great, wasn't it? Dressing up in costumes and all that. Yep. Sure was fun. But of course, Halloween was primarily about the candy. It was all about getting the good stuff. And no matter who you are, or where you lived, it was the same. You would covet those miniature candy bars, chocolates, and yea, even, M&M's. But there was always one person on the block, one lousy, no-fun jerkwad (probably a dentist making a point) who would give you raisins. Frickin' goddamn raisins! Maybe a toothbrush also.
Inevitably, it was this guy's house that was egged into oblivion. The choice is obvious.
- 1/2 Nelson
i have to say in this match it was a lesser of two evils kind of a decision; on the one hand, the raisins DANCE, which, as the baptists proved, is a one-way ticket to hell. also, how intimidating are a bunch of dancers? go and see center stage and then try and tell me dancing's cool. even worse, the raisins are a glorified cover band, and there is nothing so bad in this universe as a cover band(me first and the gimme gimmes are an obvious exception to the rule). there's this horrible beatles cover band in my town and there's not a night that goes by without me praying to almighty Zoltan for them to die in a gut-wrenching manner.
but then, on the OTHER hand, the M&Ms hang around with Billy Baldwin. I knew I had to go with the Cali Raisins right then and there.
- the mysterious "jimmy"
What we have here are two teams being pitted against one another. Mr. T demonstrated throughout the 1980s that a team depends on cooperation, and on its weakest link. (Of course, the A-Team's weakest link was Murdock, and we all know that psychosis is never a weakness in a Grudge Match.)
But here is where the California Raisins lose out to the M&Ms. Raisins are grown as grapes, and so they have all the glorious variation of nature. Which means that when they dry out, most of them will retain their juice and nutrition, immortalised for a long time. But some of them take on the taste and toughness of tyre rubber, which is insipid. Even Cookie Monster might turn up his nose at them. Meanwhile, Red and his friends are homogenised and machine-processed, meaning that they are consistent throughout. Peanuts don't vary tremendously in taste, and they did inspire the late Charles M. Schultz.
Besides, as Celebrity Deathmatch has shown us, claymation is one of the hallmarks of an inferior knock-off. Not for no reason are raisins worried grapes.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
This whole match will come down to one participant: Crispy. Judging by the comercial where he catches Yellow's we can tell that Crispy is one of three things:
1. Kung-Fu master with dart catching training a la Crouching Tiger
Any way the M&Ms win.
- Brian the Qwicky Mart Employee-(Brian of the Many Aliases)
The candy store is eerily silent.
The sound of Green weeping.
We pull the camera back. The countertops are littered with torn bits of dehydrated grapes & shattered candy shells. Looks like a serious case of the RAGE (tm) has happened.
"Why?! Why did you do it?!"
A long figure steps from the shadows near Green. "The Raisins? They were no good for you, dollface. Wrinkled has-beens...they'd have gone bad anyways....
"As for the others...," with that the figure spits and crunches more of Blue's shell under his foot. "They kicked me out, laughed at me...said I wasn't popular enough. But I proved them wrong in the end...all of them."
And with that, the exiled M&M Tan steps into the light, grabs Green and kisses her.
"Gimmie some sugar, Baby!"
The two candy gangs head towards each other singing ~(well at least the raisins are, we aren't sure about the musicallity of M&Ms)~ some stupid rough and tumble song about a rumble. in the mean time Green and Tiny Goodbite are all happy to see eachother. then the fights break out. Tiny gets stabbed by Red. oddly, all the fighting stops as Green leans over Tiny, crying. He's dead. She yells at them all "why can't we all just get together and be friends??" she walks away solemly. shows over.
but then you realize this is a Grudgematch based on a Musical based on a Shakespearian play.
In the end the whole drama doesn't matter, M&M's and Raisins make really good TrailMix(c). Now where's my Chex(c) ??
- the Deranged Weasel
Okay, on my bag of M&Ms are printed the words
"copyright Mars, Incorporated"
Mars? As in Mars: Olympian God of War? And M&Ms are his creations?
Well, that settles it. The Rasins are going to get slaughtered, carved up, and sacrificed in some pagan ritual. This is so one sided its almost sad...
- The Animator
The Raisins win.
They are older, they sing, they have great plastic figurines made out of them, and if I am not mistaken, there is a special spot for the Cali raisins in the hearts of every 80's child. Let me remind everyone about the Cali. Raisins Christmas Album - that's right, I'm talkin' about the Rudolph Red Nosed Rap. There's no denying the greatness there.
The raisins - musical instruments poised and ready for battle - will crack these "unmeltable" shells, which will invert and impale the M&M's. The raisins have every musician on their side, the 80's children, and the M&M's rival candy bar characters.
The only ppl. the M&M"s have are the people who want to eat them.
Just because someone gets behind you, it doesn't mean they have your back. These nieve M&M's will be eaten by people in the blink of an eye. One could argue that people could also eat the raisins, but time and mutliple Halloween endevours have taught North America that in a choice between chocoltae and raisins, the chocolate is ALWAYS chosen.
Ps. I am aware of my terribel spelling.
- Emily the diehard Raisins fan!!!!
As I debate this problem I am reminded of the last time i almost was killed. It was an M&M that did the job. I was sitting there minding my own business tossing some of Red's cousins into my mouth when all of a sudden one becomes lodged in my throat. A couple heimlich maneuvers later my death was narrowly averted. Thus the mach can only go to Red and his cronies.
- Chuck D
Final Score after everything is said, destroyed, and done:
38 Candy storage bins broken open in the melee.
The Raisins hold out for a good while, using their dark color to hide in shadows and ambush the brightly-colored M&M's, but to no avail.
The 5 candy-coated combatants regroup and charge at the Raisins with a Slim Jim in each gloved hand. The only ones that can figure out where to get the weapondry needed to fight back the M&M's (and thus are NOT squished immediately) startle Doc, who is rapidly brought down with a Lollypop Crossbow (available from NERF(tm)) One of the M&M's finds Doc during a break in the fighting, and he examines a note tied to one of the lollypops.
Red (reading note): To whoever finds this note: GIVE UP NOW, YOU PATHETIC UPSIDE-DOWN W! Your mother was a Gummy-hampster, and your father smelt of CastleBerries! If you want a piece of me, COME TO THE CANDY CORN AISLE! (Puts note down) At last! This may be the clue that leads us to victory! Dear sweet-toothed Doc, you shall not have died in vain!
Doc: Actually, I'm not quite dead, Red!
Red then went on to take on the remaining Raisins single-handedly, his theme music playing in the background. He ran the last ones through with a Slim Jim, finally breaking the glass window in the front of the shop while swinging by a Red Vine tied to the ceiling, muttering, "Could someone give me a push?"
Making a reference to a Monty Python movie in a commercial setting?
- The Mad Josher!
To figure out who would be the winner to this fight I went out side to relax with my slingshot. Suddenly, when my neighbor shot his cat with a marble, I had an inspiration. I ran inside to grab a bag of M&Ms and a box of rasins. Loading my slingshot I proceded to shoot my sidewalk. In 9 out of ten tests the M&M was shattered. In the tenth test the cat got in the way.
The rasin survived every time. Vive' Le Rasin!
- Chuck D
Green & Tiny sittin' in a tree
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then come Raisinettes(TM) in boxes at the movie theater concessesion stand.
- Mark Wentz
What if this match was real? What if it is? Our beloved M-M's would be destroyed! THERE WOULD BE NO MORE M-M'S!! Do you understand? Our beloved candy is at risk!
All you out there who are eating M-M's: If you love these precious candies, if you want to eat them in the future, then STOP EATING THEM! Their numbers are needed to defeat the raisins! If you are eating california raisins, burn them! (Sun-Maid(tm) raisins are all right)
Voters, come! Come to www.grudge-match.com and vote for the M-M's. We have a holy war to wage! A war for those marvelous chocolate candies that don't melt in your hand! Run to Doc's Candy Shop, quickly! Bring guns, knives, anything! Go! Me must fight with the M-M's!
- I am Sci-Fi (are there knives in the Matrix? gotta have knives)
Pride comes before a fall. Using this truism, which group of mascots represents the more overconfident advertising campaign?
A) I remember in the late '80s when some researchers surveyed kids as to their favorite animated TV characters, and the top favorites were the California Raisins who didn't even have a show at the time, just commercials. Only after this poll did the dried fruit put forth a Saturday-morning cartoon series.
The Raisins, then, are not cocky. They know when they're hip, and they play it cool instead of making Dennis-Rodman-style fools of themselves. The worst they've ever done is make many post-boomers refer to Marvin Gaye's masterpiece as "The California Raisin Song." (This is the same generation that first heard a Beethoven piano piece on a McDonald's commercial. *Sigh*.)
B) The M&Ms have a far worse history, to wit:
1) The slogan I grew up with claimed, "M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands." Uh-huh. Experience taught me otherwise before I was out of first grade. If you believe that line, give me a call and I can sell you some shares in Pan-Am Airlines real cheaplike.
2) "All the world loves M&Ms ... a joy for everyone." Really? ALL the world? All six billion people in 200+ nations? I don't deny that the candies are popular, but even if they have the studies to back that one up, this is a cocky statement just asking for a good slap-in-the-chocolate-induced-pimply-face refutation.
3) The rumor goes that M&Ms were intially used instead of Reece's Pieces in "E.T.," but the candy company thought the film would flop and asked to be removed. They thought themselves too good for even a Spielberg movie, and I wonder how much market share that high-horse haughtiness cost them.
4) M&Ms declared themselves the official candy of several Olympics. Fine. They cough up some money to train our athletes, so it's fair they get their publicity from it. However, Mars Inc. pushed the idea way too far two years ago. You see, MM is the Roman number for 2000. On that basis, they made the dumbfounding claim to be "The Official Candy of the New Millennium." This jaw-dropping assertion manages to contain three stupid aspects: a) in describing 2000 as the new millennium, they fall for the Odometer Effect along with the rest of the mass-culture sheep herd. Baaaa. Baaaaaaa. b) Despite how much has changed in recent history, they are so sure that M&Ms will exist 100 years from now, let alone 1000 years from now. By that time, will people even be eating candy at all? c) And here is the one that really gets my goat. The "Official" candy of a chronological era? What arrogance! Who certified them as such - the Greenwich Observatory? Father Time? The Y2K Bug? Am I supposed to believe that if not for the sponsorship of the nice people at Mars, Inc. we would still be in the '90s gabbing about the President's "domestic affairs initiatives" and doing the macarena?
The Raisins are smooth, and the M&Ms are full-of-themselves show-offs. As the tortoise outraced the hare, so will the Raisins give these swaggerers their long-overdue comeuppance.
- Matt Bricker
This screams "Health Class Video" where the "GOOD" candy fights the bad sugar-based candy. Captain Toothbrush is waiting in the wings as we speak to come out and tell us to visit the dentist and give us the moral for today.
M&Ms win easily, and I'll explain why :
1) Red M&Ms cause cancer.
2) Green M&Ms are a powerful aphrodisiac (in my best Chief Wiggum impression - "you know, making babies"?)
So, the M&Ms literally have the power of both life and death on their side; the very forces which govern our existence dwell within the confines of those sweet candy shells ...
Now you tell me how a bunch of washed-up, sun-baked prune wanna-bees can compete with that?
Let's talk about mobility here for just a moment. What are the California Raisins? Claymation(tm) characters! How fast are Claymation (tm) characters. If memory serves me correctly, a full days work comes out to about 10 seconds worth of motion. The M&M's will be running circles around these guys. Think of the Flash vs. your grandmother; the dead one. There really isn't any contest here.
well, this is, in my opinion, a very good match, pretty even save a few factors. i'll try to sort this out: m&m's: well, hard candy shell, well, it IS protection, but it IS candy...chocolate innards to supply a constant source of caffine/fighting energy. and, well...yeah, that's it. rasins: first, rasins are sun-dried grapes, already toughened up thanks to our sun, (which, by the way, would melt our candy coated friends). second, they're musicians! MUSICIANS! have you ever pissed off a band member? if you have you must know of the pent-up, "stop-makin'-fun-of-me" rage they, (we), possess. plus, band is like a gang, piss off one, well, you know. plus, they have instruments to attack/defend with, while the m&m's have well...yeah.
There is no way tht M&Ms can loose to a sorry group of singing California Raisins. If Milk Duds could talk they would have a smoother rap the the California Raisins. As a matter of fact, I bet you, Milk duds don't talk, they just kick booty. Besides if it came to fisticuffs, guess what, the M7Ms style of boxing would let loose such a loud roar that those yellow boxing California Raisins would loose the decisions. Don't you know that M&Ms posses enough wit and charm to talk a Baldwin out of his apartment? Those are just the plain ones. What about the nutty ones? None of them melt in your hands! All of them could just melt into you mouth, if you would let them.
Besides M&Ms are just plain colorful. the hae so many varietes of shapes, tastes and sizes that the Marvin Gay singing California Raisins don't stand too much of a chance. Califronia Raisins are just too g#$%^& gossipy, they sing, they dance and it's only obvious that they spent way too much time in the sun. Sure they could sing an environmentally consicous song about the ecology but how important is it that important to sing about evernmental protection? In any regards, the M&M can do the same s*&^ sitting at a computer in Baldwin's love shack.
- The Former Marshal of Pi Lambda Phi
California Raisins for one reason. They have their own theme music! "I heard into the..grape vviiiinnee. How much longer could you, be mine. Baby baby yeah!"
You may not think this so great. But let me put it to you this way. If "Jaws" had instead of the fear inspireing, "BOMP BOMP...BOMP BOMP, BOMP BOMP BOMP BOMP EE EE EE!!!" And instead of that for his theme music, he had the tune from "Pop goes the weasel". Would it really had been such a good movie?
case closed. point made. imput given. i'm going to go have a beer.
- Darth Jared
the fight is getting ready to start...
the M&M's are ready and bumping heads with each other....
the California Raisins are busy taking off there sun glasses...
when all of a sudden the door opens up and two people stoned on marijuina walk in and see the fight about to occur. they see it as food for there munchies and start eating the screaming M&M's and California Raisins.
The M&M's win due to superior numbers (holiday M&M's and the Mini's) but are soon eating by the two drugies
M&M's: Eat Milk Chocolate you geriatric prunes!
California Rasins: Man! We gonna wail you so bad, you all be sing'n the blues!
(Suddenly a looming shadow eclipses the fight, and both fighting parties freeze)
Doc, owner of the candy shop: See junior, there's nothing to be afraid
of in the store at dark.
(The little kid looks down and spies some round objects on the ground...)
Doc (returning): See junior, the store doesn't have to be scary at
night.. Would you like a snack?
Making the world and Doc's floor a much cleaner place, one candy gang at a time...
- Bob Chesterfieldsnapdragonmistfistacuffs
The M$M's will win this one in a walk. First of all, there is the obvious advantage of the protective shell. Also, they fall into the prestigious class of "Gangs Named After Colors," And will be have the support of Messrs. White, Pink, Blonde, et al. But most importantly, the M's are on their home turf here... a candy store. As such, and using the mighty Marketing Magick(tm) of the M$M/Mar$ corporation they will have access to the following resources:
1) Flocks of Ravening Dove(tm)s ala Alfred Hitchcock
2) The deadly exploding Starburst(tm)
3) Finally, and most importantly, the most powerful force in the Candy Universe, the Skittles Rainbow(tm). With its proven ability to traverse time, space, and alternate universes, it will bring to heel the awesome forces of Lucky the Leprachaun, the Rainbow Coalition, GLAAD, the Gods of Asgard (via the Rainbow Bridge, Bifrost) and yes, Kermit D. Frog and his diabolical Rainbow Connection, whose insidious tentacles reach even into the seemingly goodnatured candy industry.
With this unnatural alliance against them, the raisins haven't got a chance.
- The Fat Man (DON'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE FOOD!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!! YOU'RE NEXT!!
Oh, I shudder at what execs do,
gimmicky ads with M & M blue,
if you didn't gorge on them all before,
now you will at the candy store,
raisins don't have the same punch,
they don't hook you after every lunch.
I know and saw it in my weightline,
the food that fattens me by design,
I saw it in my weightline,
they just found their candy gold mine, honey honey...
- le schmuck
Look at any M&M's... do you see any teeth on the M&M's? No... but when you look at the California raisins, you see a set of choppers just ready to sink into some sweeeeeeet M&M shells. And trust me, if there's any one thing that a piece of candy (or a dried grape) fears, its teeth.
M&M's "Melt in your mouth, not in your hands". They just sit there and die. They don't even try to protect themselves. The poor pitiful guys. All mouth and no self worth. Throw one against a wall and he is toast, cracked all the way through if not in half. Leave an M&M on the sidewalk on your pocket too long and he is just a melted nothing, no endurance.
However, all of us I am certain have tried the California Raisins. They stick to the box, they stick to your fingers, once you do get them in your mouth, you are going to spend a little while chewing on them before you can finish. Throw one against a wall and it sticks there almost as if to say "Bring it on you sissy". Leave a box on the sidewalk or in your pocket and they are still ready for eatin'. I call that endurance!
Let us watch the fight as it unfolds: Tiny and Read are toe to toe, with their respective gangs backing them up. They begin with the stupid, moronic insluts, such as "Stay away from my sister, you dried-up old fogey!" "Go melt in someones mouth, you chocholate chunk!" This soon escalates to the pushing and shoving stage, where Red has a slight advantage because of his youthfulness. Finally, we reach the weapons stage. Red pulls out a switchblade, and quickly stabs Tiny with it. Unfortunetly for Red, the switchblade sticks in Tiny, while at the same time causing minimal damage. Tiny pulls out a microphone, and beats Red over the head with it. Red falls to the ground, his exo-skeleton broken open, and chocholate innards spilled out for all to see. This has a Hannibal the Canniball effect on the rest of the M&Ms, who quickly become involved in a feeding frenzy, devouring Red and then eachother in teh largest candy massacre since the Smarties Revolution of 1997. Tiny and the gang simply wait around until there are one or two M&Ms left, and then quickly overpower them. Game, set and match: California Raisins.
- Sean (aka
Once again Grudge Match(tm), thank you for a surprising blast from the past. As I was a fan of the Raisins when I was a young buck all of eight or nine, I once thought that when they dissapeared from the scene in the late eighties I would never hear about the raisins again. Unfortunately, you have proven me wrong. Since commercialism revolves around the flavor of the day, and since the California Rasins were out of style and out of a job by 1989, The Powers That Be(tm) would be in strong support of a M&M Victory. The Raisins can also expect to be opposed not only by the M&Ms, but by the other chocolate candies in the store as they rally to defeat the healthy food menace embodied by the Raisins.
Also the fact can't be ignored that when Marshall Mathers was singing about the "Real Slim Shady," he was'nt singing about himself. This points out a huge difference between M&Ms and the Raisins that appears to have been overlooked. While the Raisins were a kind of 50's style do-wop band, the M&Ms were inspiring rappers. What sounds tougher to you? With these facts in mind, the choice is obvious. The Raisins get pruned.
- The Headless Drunken Idiot
M&M's are chocolate, and everyone's heard of the poll saying most women prefer chocolate to sex. Imagine having sex WITH chocolate.
Next Match: Canadian Bacon
Next Match: Canadian Bacon
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC