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What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

January 12, 2003. A brisk winter wind chilled all of North America, mirroring the deep freeze surrounding the relations of its two largest countries. Since the decision of the United States administration to block the canonization of Anne Murray the previous fall, diplomatic relations between the US and Canada had plumbed new depths. Following a full beer trade embargo by the US announced seven days earlier, communications between the governments of the two countries had ceased altogether. Troops eyed each other nervously over the border, wondering when the inevitable conflict would begin...

US Government Situation room, deep below the White House. "Mr. President, four hours ago, leading elements of the Canadian Army crossed over into American territory and gained full control over northern New England, Washington state and Oregon, and the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit. Resistance has been unexpectedly minimal in these areas, and many American citizens have pledged allegiance to the new regime, after having been force-fed massive quantities of Labatt's Blue."

"Well, I suppose I have no choice but to retalify," noted the President. "Get me the chief of missile command".

"Command here," came the voice from the speakerphone.

"This is the President of the United States. I am authorizing you to target nuclear assets to all major Canadian cities and launch."

"I copy, sir. One moment... wait... NO! There's beavers everywhere, sir! They're chewing up the wiring and attacking the men. No!!! Teeth everywhere! Aaarggh!"

Static filled the connection.

Canadian government situation room, deep beneath Tim Horton's Donuts on Sparks Street in Ottawa. "Mr. Prime Minister, our elite beaver assault force has now disabled all US strategic missile, navy and air force capacity. If there's any fighting to be done, it'll be conventional, and it'll be on the ground," reported the Minister of Defence.

"Tabernouche!" replied the PM. "For me, making that expenditure on beaver mind control was a good idea, hey?"

"Prime Minister," interrupted the Chief of Defence Staff, "we're getting reports of a large US troop buildup at Buffalo, New York. It appears that the Americans are preparing to launch a counter-strike aimed at Toronto. Shall we move to counter?"

"Hokay, let them do their t'ing."

So, John, assess the armies of the Americas and accordingly adjudge this altercation.

United States of America Canada

U.S.A. vs. Canada

The Commentary

JOHN: Any analysis of this conflict ought to start with the respective war records of the two combatants. The US is 3-2-1 since its inception (not including the Civil War which would have added a win and a loss to the record), while Canada is 5-0-1 during the same period, including a 1-0 record against the Yanks (1812). Moreover, while the Americans were having sex with each other in billowing parachutes, we Canucks were hip-deep in the two world wars this century from the very beginning, taking on every dog-ass job the Allies could throw to us and earning a reputation amongst the Germans as "the Allied SS".

But perhaps more importantly, most Americans, their chief executive included, couldn't pick out Canada on a map. If they decided to actually invade us, they'd probably end up mobilizing to Nevada or somewhere and declaring victory after bombing the crap out of the MGM hotel. Meanwhile, the Van Doos would be burning Atlanta to the ground again, starting with Turner Field (friggin' Braves). Which reminds me - we torched the White House once when we were going through D.C. - hell, we might get offers of payment from other Americans to do it again. Particularly if we get 'em loaded on Molsons.

But let's assume for a moment that the Yank army could actually find Canada and start preparations for a counter-offensive. It's the middle of winter - no self-respecting American can drive properly during the winter months, at least not during what we northerners consider winter. What constitutes "the storm of the century" to you is a cool July breeze for us. Moreover, if you decide to invade during hockey season, our armed forces are going to be mighty pissed at being dragged out of the nation's rec rooms to pull your tanks and personnel carriers from highway medians. Remember, by federal and church law, every Canadian citizen over the age of 7 is trained to be able to kill with a hockey stick.

Yeah, we Canadians are a brutal bunch, and as Terrance and Phillip have shown, not averse to using chemical warfare to further our objectives. To our dear neighbours south of the border: you occupy this continent solely at our leisure. If we wanted, we could pull a McSorley on you if y'all get out of line. Now roll out of bed and make us a sandwitch, bitch.

PAUL: Suffering from brain freeze are we, Thinkmaster? How could you be so foolish to peg your fortunes to the military when one quarter of your population is FRENCH?!?! And not only do you have Quebec, the anchor of defeat, dragging you down, you chose a Frenchie as your leader. Now, the US has its contingent of French in Louisiana but, like everything American, they kick ass. When they're not wrestlin' gators or eating spicy food that is considered a fire hazard to normal mortals, they are chasing English through the briars and brambles of New Orleans. It's like Jerry Lewis versus Gung-Ho.

The results are predictable. In the American Revolution, George Rogers Clark's 175 men stripped a humiliated Canada of the Northwest Territories, which now has a larger population than all of Canada. In the War of 1812, despite being supported by the country that would take down Napoleon, Canada gained nothing except a looted Toronto (BTW, Hotbranch! has offered several kegs of Sam Adams if we do it again). More recently, the Canadian military was held hostage by a disgruntled shipping company. And even with Pedro Martinez or Vladimir Guerrero, the Expos suck. Your losing ways are are no match for the world's Superpower™.

But it's not like you had a chance anyway. Look at the inspiration. The United States can look to the majestic bald eagle and the Stars and Stripes as symbols of strength and freedom. Canada has a large bucktooth rat and a leaf blower target. And I must ask, why the maple leaf? Was Aunt Jemima unavailable as a sponsor? Do you enjoy raking leaves that much? Or is it true that it was actually a botched "Legalize Marijuana" flag created by a stoned Vietnam War draft dodger?

As for hockey, we have already subverted your only hope. No Canadian team has even made the Stanley Cup finals since 1994 when the Vancouver Canucks pathetically lost to the perpetual doormat New York Rangers. With 24 of the 30 NHL teams firmly in the States, we now have your best talent working for us. What other explanation is there for teams in Phoenix and Florida? We own you.

See you in Hot-lanta! After you Leaf-boys burst into flames in the 70 degree weather, we plan a Cajun cookout. I guar-an-tee!

JOHN: A quick geography lesson for Paul "E. Shore" Golba: Quebec is not in France. To say that the two are related by virtue of language is akin to saying that the Amish are identical to English Soccer Hooligans by virtue of both groups being almost entirely caucasian. Quebec wasn't giving Germany "Around the Worlds" and "Dutch Twists" for centimes during consecutive world wars - it was fighting its ass off before, during and after American involvement. Paul, I encourage you to visit one of the rough logging towns around Rimouski and make your case to the locals. You'll be strung up before you get a chance to inflict your unique brand of halitosis on them.

And I wouldn't be comparing leaders if I were you. While our PM is renowned for his fistic abilities, the US seems to be going through some peculiar Dadaist phase of "leadership". And by the way, I agree - the bald eagle is an excellent symbol, having been hunted to near extinction by its countrymen. And rats control Chicago, so they'll likely hand it over to their castorian brothers in exchange for a lifetime supply of back bacon and poutine.

What is this fiction about the War of 1812? You invaded, we burned your capitol to the ground. End of story! About the NHL - what a coup! Allowing groups of hockey-stick wielding Canadian goons into 24 of your most important cities - good strategic planning! Let me guess - this was W's idea. Is he French?

But perhaps the most ridiculous of your assertions - the one that shows that you are completely barking mad - is the idea that it is worthwhile to do anything at all for American beer. Hotbranch! is a true patriot - he'd probably dupe you and switch the kegs to Sleeman's™ or Fin du Monde™. Then we'd be using our leaf blowers to mop up your bloated corpses.

Let's face it - hoserdom has its privileges. We exist in a climate that makes us impervious to American attack, we're better trained at fighting, and our donuts and beer are clearly superior. Once we feed you Yanks our dietary staples, you'll be defecting to join us en masse. Cruller, anyone? Good day, eh!

PAUL: Before you question our leadership, John "Gesundheit" Hnatyshyn, may I direct you to your very own Newsmaker Pool? A week of Canadian politics with the likes of Gilles Duceppe or the unfortunately named CCRAP will make one appreciate curling.

Considering your passion for beer (and French sounding beer, no less), your lack of memory is not surprising. How quickly we forget Hooligans v. French where you ballyhooed the Brits victory over the French at the Plains of Abraham in, of all places, Quebec. Ne sont-ils pas français? And Quebec was merely a colony, giving it even lower status than France itself. So what are these wimpier-than-French Quebecites going to do? Fart in my general direction? T&P may be good for Canadians but you've never had to deal with American gas. Try one of my "All-American- lots-of-Texas-red-meat- what's-a-salad" emissions and they'd dissolve in a cloud of last night's dinner. Now multiply that by 135 million.

But such drastic measures won't be necessary. Taking a look at the population density of Canada and you notice that Canucks huddle near the US border. Yes, Canadians yearn for the protection, safety and warmth of the good ole USA. Like a frightened toddler clinging to the leg of his protecting mother, they are willing to throw a temper tantrum but no more before behaving themselves again. Now go back to your provinces and think about what you've done. And no beer or hockey for a week, young country!

When we're done, Canada will only be a name weird celebrities give their children.

Thanks to Jordan Clark and Niall Fitzgerald for suggesting this match.

The Results

United States of America

U.S.A. (2642 - 57.9%)



Canada (1919 - 42.1%)

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Voter Comments

Comic Book Guy

"Biggest response file ever!"

That's right: 377k! This breaks the old record for RF size of 364k from TOC IV. Of course, this also means we had to use the Iron Fist™, Eagle Fist™, Maple Fist™, and several other fists we couldn't even think up cute names for, while cutting over 70% of the responses. Even with that, we still had to go to 2 pages.

And while not everyone in the RF shares our sentiments, WWWF would like to express its undying support for both nations. These feelings derive from that fact that 60% of the WWWF staff is American, 30% is Canadian, and the last 10% is undetermined (Mark's from Minnesota, don't ya know). So while there's lots of patriotically-motivated rabid infighting in the WWWF Towers, our corporate policy is to support the entire continent. Except Belize.

BTW, we know there was lots of vote stacking in this match. Normally, such votes are easily thrown out. After all, if 50 votes for the same competitor come from the same or very similar IP addresses, cheating can be assumed. However, if that competitor is "Canada" and the IP addresses contain "", we can't make those assumptions. So we let it slide this time. Cheating appeared to be weighted towards the Canadian side, so the outcome would not have been affected, although this may explain why the gap was closer than the relative populations of the countries. That and we've always seemed to have a disproportionate number of Canadian viewers for unknown reasons. One guy from France voted for Canada 13 times, so we made him a token example and threw his votes out. Be warned.


Those who say that the French can't win at anything have clearly forgotten the very first French-themed Grudge Match (tm), in which the Frenchie whupped the Omahanian insurance salesman so bad that not even the mighty Jim could save him. Not that this really matters, because Quebec won't be involved in this war. Quebec doesn't get involved in anything except St. Jean Baptiste Day celebrations (which, to my surprise, do not involve a float in the shape of a silver platter with a big severed head on it). When Canada got involved in the World Wars, Quebeckers protested against being drafted to fight on the side of those stinkin' Anglo Allies (hell, these so-called Francophones didn't even want to fight to save France). When Canada decided to get a constitution, Quebec declined to sign. Quebec is going to sit out this conflict and spend its time making new Language Laws (tm).

But let me tell y'all a little story, which will prove -- however indirectly -- why Canada must win. A few years ago, during the production of an episode of the late, lamented Pinky and the Brain, the producers came to a scene where Pinky was supposed to meet with all the major world leaders. But like most United Statesers, they couldn't remember who was Prime Minister of Canada. So they asked the voice actor who plays the Brain, Maurice LaMarche, who happens to be Canadian. And guess what? He couldn't remember either. He thought Brian Mulroney was still in charge. So the cartoon finally produced wound up caricaturing a guy who had been replaced as P.M. five years before.

The point of this longish, cartoon-obsessed story? It's not just Americans who suffer cultural amnesia when it comes to Canada. Canadians who move to the U.S. suddenly become so ignorant about their native land that they probably think Pierre Trudeau was the guy who draws Doonesbury. This can mean Only One Thing (tm). There is some sort of force that causes anyone living in the United States to forget everything about Canada. Who could be responsible for this? Not the U.S. government; they don't have the capability. They've spent almost 30 years unsuccessfully trying to get everyone to forget about Vietnam. This diabolical memory-erasing device (hopefully less cheesy than that stupid Men In Black flashbulb) must be controlled by the Canadian government. You see, it's in our interest to keep those silly American types believing that Jean Poutine is the Canadian Prime Minister. Making fun of American cluelessness is about all we have left to define our cultural identity -- well, that and really bad multicultural art shows. A well-informed America would dishearten us all and destroy Rick Mercer's career.

So if Canada has this anti-mnemonic power, all we have to do to win this war is turn it on full blast. Suddenly all the Yankees (and Southerners) won't even know Canada exists. "Huh? Invade Canada? What's Canada? Why Canada? Where am I? Who am I?" No memory of Canada = no attack on Canada. We win by default, Anne Murray and Buffy St. Marie receive sainthood, and SCTV finally gets released on home video.

Oh, and for you scoffers who doubt that Canada has the power to wipe out memory, try this little experiment: Take a six-pack of Canadian beer. Drink all six cans in one sitting. When you wake up the next morning, do you remember anything about the night before? ... Told ya.

- By Captain Corcoran - Next up: A drinking contest between John A. McDonald and Ulysses S. Grant!

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

The USA takes this one for a couple of reasons:

1. The Beer Issue: What folks haven't figured out is that in this case poor American beer is in fact an advantage for the US side, in that the winner of the war will have the additional motivation of swiping the local beer from the charred hands of the losers' corpses. Now, one can see the US soldiers charging in eagerly to claim Canadian beer, but the Canadians may downright throw the battle to avoid drinking American beer (and it's not like the armies can bring enough beer with them, so they'll be forced to scavenge it from the local area).

2. Win-Win Scenario: Say the Canadians actually do succeed in burning Washington DC to the ground again, and lay claim to places like New York, Chicago, and Detroit. Is this actually a BAD thing for the US? I'd be willing to bet the Canadians hand everything back a few days after taking it (assuming we let them anyway).

3. Climate Familiarity: The US possesses plenty of people acclimated to the chill of Canadian-like winters (don't take the Northeast as indications of how Americans handle snow; in the Midwest and Northwest they shrug at 20 feet of snow and simply plow it out of the way while heading to work). The Canadians, on the other hand, will if successful eventually have to deal with the unfamiliar hot climes of areas in the south of the United States. Any Canadian army showing up in the Southwest would probably melt faster than Nazis at an Ark-opening party.

4. Weakness Within: The Canadians have an innately rebellious province in Quebec to worry about, who could potentially betray the rest of the country (well, "potentially" is probably being optimistic). The USA's dissident factions, on the other hand, seem to uniformally hate "dem damn furreigners" even more than they dislike the US, so a Canadian invasion would rally them strongly to the rest of the country. If the Canadians had simply stuck to their original plan of subverting American entertainment, they might have had a chance (how many of those actors on shows that filmed in Toronto do you think came back unbrainwashed to serve their new Canadian masters?), but this foolhardy starting of armed aggression against America is doomed to failure. In general, you should never start a shooting war with a people who consider the ability to shoot things to be a God-given RIGHT...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

forget which people win. canada, the country, the *apparently* inanimate mass of rock and dirt, can take us down by itself. allow me to elaborate... The following is a true story, except for the parts that I made up one summer, I went to canada for a month. while there, I was struck by 7 rocks, fell down 6 flights of stairs (in succession), almost drowned, broke my nose falling off a (small) cliff, and stubbed my toe on a step. so, as you can see, canada literally kicked my ass. but, on the plus side, health care was free, so at least i got my injuries tended to. the preceding story was brought to you by the committee of people who have been beaten up by an entire country and dont want you to make the same mistake

- kramertim says dont mess with canada

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Paralyzed by the stupidity in Washington, the war is in the main conducted by northern states, who have been dealing with the enemy Canadian scum for generations. In New York and New England, the National Guard invades Quebec. There being no people with as long and glorious a tradition of military incompetence as the French, they reach the St. Lawrence in days. The Quebecois debate whether to fight on, but are bought off by the American owner of the Montreal Canadiens promising to keep the Habs there for another couple seasons.

Further west, the governor of Michigan has not been idle. He promises to extend the 10 cent bottle deposit return to Canadian bottles. the Canadian dollar being the Monopoly money that it is, Ontario residents stream south in droves, taking the opportunity to triple their yearly income. The Canadian "Army" is paralyzed by the sheer mass of citizens clogging the roads. The governor points out that it would be easier if Ontario seceded and declared itself a county in Michigan. This happens, and Premier Frog and his Cabinet flee to Edmonton.

Arriving in Edmonton, the Canadian government attempts to institute a draft to deal with the manpower crisis of losing their two most populous provinces. He fails to reckon to with the fact that most of the male population of Canada consists of Vietnam draft dodgers and their descendants, and they all again head north to Nunavut for the sake of deeply held moral beliefs, chief among them self-preservation.

Faced with this desperate situation, the economy in a shambles, the Prime Minister surrenders unconditionally, and by the terms of the Treaty of Casino Windsor, Canada becomes de jure into what it has been de facto throughout all of its history: America's Largest National Park.

- Noel Erinjeri

FOOLISH CANUCKS!!!!! The canadians took "fll control of New England"?! That includes my home state: Maine. And I know that Maine cannot be kept under Canadian control for long,"NO-SAH"!. Sure, the wimpy, "civilized and normal" residents of my state will give in to enemy quickly; but wait until the REAL "Main-a's" hear about it. Once the news of Canadians reach these men and women in their backwood homes the true mainers will be up in arms! I'd like to see a wimpy Canadian military force stand their ground when the hundreds of angry, backwoods, beer-gozzalin', illegal gun- totin', wife-swappin', deer, moose & Canuck killin' rednecks of Maine's "goonies" come ramming at them in their peice-of-shit pick- up trucks. Trust me, this militia would be formed quickly and wipe-out Canadian possession in a matter of days. This hidden-away hick population has been waiting for a time like this. They've been pissed at the canucks for taking away our lumber business for years. And they won't stop in Maine! They'll free all of New England in a few weeks. using the aid of the other states redneck populations. With these great militia forces Canada won't stand a chance! Even though these people don't trust the US goverment(hiding away illegal guns like they do) their hatred of the cold country to our north will make them fight with frightening power. We of the United States are sick of Canadian oppression! The ground troops of US rednecks won't stop until the Canadian soil is free for all americans to hunt and fish without those canucks bothering us, yes-sah!

- Monke12

USA: "Saturday Night Live." Canada: "Kids in the Hall." In other words, no matter who wins this war, Lorne Michaels will pick up the pieces and become lord and master of the new, unified North American continent of Canamerica, where the new national anthem is seventeen refrains of, "You like-a the juice, eh?" or as it is known through the (quickly-executed) populace, "O, The Humanity!" And so, Dictator-For-Life Michaels goes on to mercilessly conquer Europe, Asia, AND Daytime Television....

- Charge Man - The wrong show got cancelled, dammit!

The US will win, but not for the reasons you think. As the military forces line up on both sides, the best and the brightest of the Pentagon will sit down in their three or four chairs and say, "You know, if this keeps up there's gonna be protests, and we're just bound to end up sending the National Guard to Kent State again, along with other annoying distractions. Let's avoid all that and do what we should have done with Vietnam - bribe them to change sides!" Suddenly the Canadians, whose dollar hasn't been doing too well lately, are showered with subsidies gleaned from little nooks and crannies in the 35 gazillion dollar budget handed to the US military each year. Heck, all we have to do is cancel a couple of F-18s and we can hand the whole Canadian army lifetime cable TV subscriptions and leather barcaloungers. Another victory for peace, love, and old TV reruns. Viva Los Estados Unidos!

- Lee B.

Canada ahs this one. Consider: twelve percent of Americans watch the news. Meaning the other eighty eight percent really could care less. Canada wins out of pure apathy.

Speaking of which, I visited Canada once. It was very north, especially when its compared to another countery, like Mexico. Mexico is more southern than Canada in many ways. Then again in many ways its not. I suppose given enough time, geographic eroding will wipe out the Rocky Mountains, and lets not forget California. Yep, that one is gone, not that anyone would miss it. Wyoming sucks, so lets count that one as pretty much a dead zone. I mean really, Wyoming. ooooooooo, scary. Right. Nebraska. That one also reaaches into my throat, casing me to snicker. Maybe something truamatic happened to me when I was young while visiting there. I doubt it, but whatever. New York is crafty, it'l turn on you. One day you'll be eatting some dry cereal or maybe checking your watch and then, BANG...yeah- New York, baby. I also don't like Illinios. Nothing personal, it just sucks. And Kansas. No one likes Kansas. Even the people who say they like Kansas don't. Ask them, "Do you really like Kansas?" And they'll be like, "Well, no, not really. Just something you get used to saying. You got me on that one. Yeah, I'ld rather be taken out by New York then spend another day in Kansas. Sucks there." What would sort of be cool is if France suddenly attacked in the middle of this ground war, and even took everyone else out. Yeah, far fetched as it sounds, France suddenly attacks like the Hulk. Whimpy and small at one moment, cowering in terror, then *SCHLOCK!* Its like big and green. I bet it sucks being French. I suppose there is like a personal sexy satus one attains, so there is a plus. Yet France is the laughing stalk of all reality. Yeah, those Cajin guys are cool, especially the Chef. I bet he could take down the Iron Chefs. And then there is that French guy in the recent Godzilla. He's the only reason to watch that horrid movie. So I guess there are some cool french guys. I'm glad I never watched that movie Benji. Or was it a show? After Flipper and Lassie, all those movies about pet animals sucked hard core. Here is a concept show: a boy and his pet shark. The boy always does steriotypical quasi-hero stuff that is so typical to those shows, and his shark "Teethy" eats villians or, at times, friends. Then the show would end with the usual moral about personal intergrity. How about this: a show called "That Wacky Ninja"? Pehaps he lives with a family of six, with three adults and three kids of course, and every guest on the show gets assassinated. When some one discovers the body, they turn to Ninja and say "Oh you Ninja! What are we EVER going to do with you?" And everyone laughes in a real He's-done-it-again sort of way. Does Canada have ninjas? Any good, self respecting country should. Like Japan, for example. They rock.

- red

Canada has Snow Ninjas™, we got them on QVC. - 1/2, Thinkmaster, and HB!

The Canadians don’t really care about American beer, certainly not enough to start a war over it. However, leave it to us conceited Americans, forever convinced that we are superior to every other nation in the world in every conceivable way, to think they do. Never would our leaders - or the vast majority of our citizens, for that matter - stop for a minute to think about the situation. If they did, they might realize both the nature of the problem and its solution.

For years, Americans have been mercilessly and without provocation been ridiculing both Canadians and the French, descendants of whom make up a good portion of Canada’s population. The U.S. “Beer Embargo” has provided Canadians with a properly diplomatic excuse for seeking recriminations against us egotistical Yanks. As per a little known regulation devised in the early days of the United Nations, no unaffected nation is allowed to become involved in any International Alcoholic Beverage Crisis.*

All Canada really wants is a genuine, heartfelt apology and a promise to keep the Canadian and French (and, of course, French-Canadian) jokes to a minimum. Us Americans would never give them even that much though, because God forbid the good ol’ U.S. of A. should ever admit to being wrong about something . . . hell, anything really.

This will be our downfall. Sure we have the larger population, but that means very little. We’ve grown lazy. We got so used to having access to nuclear weapons during the Cold War (According to legend, Reagan actually had a large red plastic button, marked “The Button” in bold yellow and red letters, attached to his desk. His idea of a foreign relations meeting was to smile smugly with one hand poised casually over “The Button” while the diplomat sitting across from him sweated profusely, trying very hard not to wet his or her pants. Say what you will about the man, he understood Nuclear Politics.) that we don’t even know how conventional warfare works anymore! The “Gulf War,” the mess in Bosnia, and the various other foreign relations publicity stunts America has nosed in on during the post-Cold War era certainly hasn’t honed our skills any either. America getting in any kind of large scale ground war with a nation of comparable size and expecting to come out on top because of our “victories” in those conflicts would be like me knocking down your grandmother and moving on to Bruce Lee. Overconfidence can only lead to disaster. Painful disaster at that.

Not only has Canada infiltrated the United Stated with thousands of its citizens, many of them high profile celebrities, not only do the have the Mounties (Anyone who can kick that much ass while wearing those uniforms is a person to be reckoned with.), but they also have the Bigfoot population on their side, and once the Bigfeet get involved, so will their buddies the Alien Grays, who will finally put their intimate knowledge of the Redneck digestive system to use by unveiling their Laxative Ray™. Have you ever tried fighting someone while suffering from painful intestinal cramps? Trust me, its no fun at all.

By this time next year, the United Stated of America will be just another province of Canada and uttering the words “Eh,” or “Hoser,” in public will be a crime punishable by death.

* Unknown to most, Nazi Germany never really invaded Poland, they were simply trying to recruit that nation as a production and bottling center for their new Furherbrau™ (“A Masterful Brew For a Master Race.”) beer. Who knew an unfortunate misunderstanding would lead to the most devastating war of the 20th Century?

- Don "King" Milliken

Hmm, this might have been a close match. However, there are three things going against you here... Let me give you the three possible endings, each with Canada getting nailed above the U.S's fireplace.

Ending 1. Mr. T was at a youth center near the northern U.S., talking to kids about Drinking Their Milk. When suddenly, a Canadian Military officer storms in, yelling, "Everybody out! THIS BUILDING IS ABOUT TO BECOME AN OVERLY LARGE BEER DEPOT!" Mr. T was astonished, "WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT, FOO!" The Canadian Military officer responded, "Well, it's pretty much worthless right now. Who needs youth centers anyway?" Mr. T proceeded to throw that guy Helluva far. Mr. T climbed into his van, and was heard to yell, "GONNA TEACH THESE SUCKAS A LESSON!" Meanwhile, with the canadian Military on the front lines... "Sir, we are at this point, holding out against the ugly Americans with our CMBL's. The commander frowns, "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!" Another officer informs him Cannon Mounted Beaver Launcher(TM) sir." Suddenly, a blip appears on his radar, "SIR, IT APPEARS TO BE A 1982 GM CUSTOM VAN!" the commander blinks, "OH NO, IT'S THAT MOHAWKED PSYCHO!" And thus, Mr. T throws the entire Canadian Military helluva far(TM)

Ending 2. Bill Gates gives them "Premium, top of the line, Military Supercomputers." The entire Canadian Military suddenly sees on their computer readouts, "THERE HAS BEEN A FATAL EXCEPTION IN...SCREW YOU CANUCKS!"

Ending 3. They're all part french, nuff said.

BONUS ENDING: They make an amphibious landing into Miami, when every idiot in town that owns a gun (Otherwise said, "Every Idiot in town") Proceeds to wipe them out. Then, they use a catapult to launch Cartman's Fat Ass(TM) into the Canadian Political Leadershiip.

- David, Master of Gaming Disaster-HAS SEEN WAY TO MANY MR. T WEBCOMICS!

Ha, Beavers. That is the extent of their actions. Bah. The American goverment has been preforming cruel and inhuman test on way more animals than beavers. We have been testing dolphins, puppies, sharks, whales, birds, goldfish. We are capable of sending the entire animal kingdom. Here is how it goes: Canadian troops move across the border preparing to launch a full scale attack on Washington D.C. However, the President uses a psionic generator that we have developed to control a flock of bald eagles (the last in the world) to counter attack the Canadian forces before they reach D.C. The Bald eagle becomes extinct in the attack, but the Canadian forces are routed. Canada deploys its army of Hockey players across the frozen great lakes, hoping to hit our shorelines with hockey sticks and viscious language and violence before the civillain population can rally support for the American army. We become aware of this and use an army of brainwashed goldfish to crack away at the ice and drown the hockey players. Of course the cold weather also causes the goldfish to freeze to death. Canadian forces move through international forrests, executing precise hit and run manuvers that leave American forces helpless. Of course, after our years of searching, the American goverment actually has found Bigfoot. (turns out he was right here the whole time) Only now, they have implanted all sorts of cruel cybernetic implants in him. The US deploys Mecha-Bigfoot to tear the Canadian forces hiding there to pieces, but unfortunatly the implant burns out poor Bigfoot's system, and the missing link between humans and apes is finally extinct. By the end of the war it is America: 1, Canada: 0, Animals: -203,472.

- T-1000

Oooh, come back proud Canadians
To before you had TV
No hockey night in Canada
There was no CBC (oh my God!)

In 1812, Madison was mad
He was the president you know
Well, he though he'd tell the British
Where they ought to go

He thought he'd invade Canada
He thought that he was tough
Instead we went to Washington
And burned down all his stuff!

And the White House burned, burned, burned
And we're the ones that did it!
It burned, burned, burned
While the president ran and cried!

It burned, burned, burned
And things where very historical!
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies, wah wah wah!
In the War of 1812!

-Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, "The War of 1812"

- Frickin' Mounties, dude!

Never have I seen a match I wanted to vote in as much as this one. You Americans are utterly, utterly outclassed this time. Before I start counting the points, I just want to clear up something that Paul said. Ahem. WE ARE NOT STICKING AROUND THE BORDER BECAUSE WE WANT YOUR SAFETY! We know that you are going to pull something like this. We learned from the War of 1812-apparently, unlike you. POINT COUNT

1. Capability on the playing field. Did you notice this is a sleet-covered land? USA: Plenty of them never see snow. Canada: I am Canadian, and I am outside in -10 degrees (Celsius, by the way, the BETTER and more SCIENTIFIC measurement) in a T-shirt. I weighed all of 120 pounds then, too. (I'll say pounds, because you OBVIOUSLY can't figure out kilograms, ALSO the scientific measurement) Canada: 1 USA: 0

2. Quality of the Weapons (M-16's and knock-off's) USA: M-16. Fires 5.56 ammunition. Has a built in feature so that you can't just hold down the trigger and empty the magazine. Canada: C-7. A knock-off of the M-16, also fires 5.56 ammunition. We don't have that feature, but the soldiers are trained to fire short bursts. Our weapon is ore adaptable and we have more trustworthy men than you do. Wow, that's two points! Canada: 3 USA: 0

3. Natural Strengths USA: You can easily get a gun, so people would be more naturally trained. Canada: We invented hockey. May I say more? Canada: 4 USA:1

4. Army Quantity USA: Far outnumbers the Canadian's. This would seem like a point for USA, except... Canada: Wasn't this the same as the War of 1812? And this time, our HQ isn't across the Atlantic Ocean. I don't feel especially malicious today, so I'm going to stop making comparisons, give you people a break, and just make comments.

5. On the X-men, Wolverine is Canadian. He's pretty good at his job, too.

6. In the movie Strange Brew, There was a guy that could crush people's skulls with his bare hands. Some CANADIANS beat him with-and here comes a killing blow-HOCKEY STICKS. Winner: Canada And then we've got the qualities of the countries.

- --Snicker

This match has already been played out in a movie entitled... Canadian Bacon. This movie has a main character who is a typical gun-toting trigger-happy trash-talking US citizen who is played by... John Candy, who is a noted American actor who has starred in many movies, one of which was... The Blues Brothers, which, besides being American, also has the advantage of having 2 of the greatest comedians on the planet playing the lead characters, one of which is... John Belushi, who also starred in a movie depicting an all- American frat house of partiers, also known as... Animal House, which had several actors in it, one of which went on to a stunning carreer in the film industry in Hollywood (an American movie center), whose name just happened to be... Kevin Bacon, who happens to have some relation to every single movie ever made. The result? The Canadians ride over the border, Mounties singing, Lumberjacks kicking with their stilleto heels, when suddenly, Neo (3 steps away...), Luke Skywalker (2 steps away...), and the Roman Empire (2 steps away...) all spontaneously appear (all generated simultaneously by one of the many computers on Skywalker Ranch. Mr. Lucas didn't need it at the moment, and decided to lend it to the US government.) and destroy every Eh-ing warrior in sight. After making the Canadian government surrender to its will, the US goes on to take all but 3 of the provinces, and builds more beer factories than one can shake a large maple leaf at.

- The Mad Josher

Erm... When playing "Dead or Canadian", John Candy scores two points: he's dead AND Canadian. - Eds.

Gotta go with the Canadians.

It's difficult to interpret the jargon you drongos up north use, but if 'beaver' is what I think it is, I'm voting the canucks.

- Galahad

I hate to be unamerican here, but Canada DID blow up the Baldwins.

- Kilgore Trout

Ah, war. Now this is a grudge match that I can sink my teeth into! This is a surprisingly even matchup, even without the beavers taking out the US nuclear arsenal. No way the Americans are going to launch that close to their own country, even with Duh-bya as President (and don't think that he won't be conveniently distracted by Several Shiny Objects in a dark corner of the White House, while Colin Powell and Dick Cheney run the war...). Then you have the comparative sizes of the militaries. Sure, the US Army is bigger, better trained, and more vicious, but this war is likely to be an invasion of Canada rather than the other way around, giving the Canadians the dreaded Home Court Advantage (ask the Philadelphia 76ers about that one) and the even more dreaded General Winter (ask Napoleon about that one.). So that evens out as well. I'd bring up the Canadian Bacon and South Park references, but everyone and their great-grandmother's roommate is going to do that gag. Furthermore, even with a state of war existing between the countries, there will be little to no casualties. After all, can you see Bill and Ted in an all-out fight to the death? How about Gilligan and the Skipper? No, my friends, the Little Buddy/Big Buddy formula just will not allow this to be a conventional war at all. Expect battles to be decided by drinking contests. First army to pass out loses. And in a drinking contest, always favor the Canadians: UNLESS GEORGE W. AND JENNA ARE IN THE HOUSE. *checks 2003 newspaper* Yup, they're both still alive. And drinkin'. Not even the mighty Mackenzie Brothers can take on the dynamic duo of drunkenness. After all, they're from TEXAS! One more reason to vote for the U.S.: It's more evil. You know the rules when good and evil battle, kids...

- Todd Evil

Aw, crap... NOW what's a draft-dodger to do?

- Vermin Boy

Greatest cultural achievements according to the internet:

Canada: "the Confederation of 1864 and its continued growth."
USA: Grudge Match/WWWF.

Enough said.

- The Nestbeschmutzer

First, a little background... I was first introduced to the grudge match by my brother in the summer of 95 or 96 (I don't remember which...but it was definitely after the results of Cliff Clavin vs. Newman had been posted). Unfortunately, I forgot to write down the URL, so I didn't see any more grudge matches until much later. When I came to work in the 8th circle (Oops, I mean Phone-Based Tech Support) in 98, I finally thought to ask my brother for the URL again. I spent many relatively happy hours misusing company resources and reading every single match, starting from the beginning (I say relatively happy, because nobody is ever truly happy hand- holding stupid consumers through fixing the problems that they caused and blame you for...this is why all phone support reps are such $%&#* to you if you call). You see, I didn't want to post a response unless I had fully experienced every match. Only then would I be able to post something worthy of a grudgie. Also, by reading every match, I would be able to put something purely grudge match related in my response demonstrating my knowledge of previous matches and the depth of my fandom...something worthy of a TM (and then you invalidated all my work by adding that glossary, so that any first time responder could sound like long-time fan...I mean, jeez, you guys threw everything but "those implants" and "Cow" in there). Finally, by the premier of "Santa vs. Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters", I'd caught up. But I couldn't think of anything to say that somebody else wouldn't be able to say just as well (and probably more succinctly...brevity is not my strong point...I shudder to think what the Iron Fist will do to this response, assuming it even makes it on the page). I couldn't even take cheap potshots at your resident Aggie (or "Moron", as we call them in Texas), because Devin was already stalking him. So I just continued to read the responses of others, and dream of the day when I'd have something unique to contribute.

Fast forward to today...U.S.A. vs. Canada. Oh sure, I could throw something in there about climate, toques, the French or the 49th parallel...but I'm going to give you something no one else will...a quote from an actual Canadian regarding just this sort of conflict. I was moonlighting at an H-E-B in Round Rock at the same time I was doing phone support (no names, but I'm sure you can surmise which one based on location). One of the chefs in the Cooking Connection demo booth was Canadian(We'll call him Brian, because that's his name). Brian, despite the fact that he lived in Austin (about as far removed from Canada in climate, attitude and all other ways as you can get) was a true blue canuk...he celebrated Thanksgiving in October and everything. One day I tried to bait Brian with the question, "Canada...what went wrong?" Brain promptly responded with "No! Canada...60 seconds of glory". I confessed I was unfamiliar with that phrase (I believe my exact words were "Huh?"), so he explained. "If we ever got in a war," he said, "you'd whip our butts, no question. But for the first 60 seconds, we'd give you a reason to fear". The mobilization, infiltration, and attack of the Missile Command by beavers have already used up the allotted minute, so Canada must lose.

- Estrella

It seems the pro-Canadian lobby has attempted to re-write history here, and I (as a former history major at a small town university) would like to try and set the record straight. Let's begin with the War of 1812. The fact seems to be overlooked that the United States was NOT attacking the Nation of Canada. Canada at the time, as everybody should know, was a mere colony of Great Britain and garrisoned by English troops. We make jokes about the English now, because they suck now, but back then they were a formidable foe. Please keep in mind, that while the English were fighting us in the war of 1812, they were also fighting Napoleon in Europe, who they finally defeated in 1815 at Waterloo. The pro- Canada lobby has also attempted to claim credit for burning down the White House, but it was in fact British Red Coats who did it (I want to say it was a Scottish Highlander regiment to be exact, but I'm not sure on that). The only thing the Canadians can realistically claim credit for is hap-hazardly attempting a meager defence of Quebec against an even more hap-hazardly organized American striking force. We move on to the Polk administration of 1842-1846. We took the land of what is now Maine from the English colony, and threatened to go to war with Great Britain again if they did not give us Seattle (remember 54'40'' or fight?). Great Britain did not want to go to war, again because they suck, so they gave in. Now let's get to World War II. The Canadians did get thrown in to some sticky spots, but the fact remains clear that the Americans were providing a great deal of the military equipment being used by the Allied forces in Europe. The Canadians had to work to be able to field a couple of divisions in Europe (armed with American tanks and planes), while the Americans were able to not only field a huge conventional army in Europe, but large naval and air forces to defeat Japan as well. Also, the Americans bore the brunt of the tough fighting at Normandy. While the GI's were getting machine gunned on Omaha and Utah, the Canadians were waltzing up the flat beach at Juno, where resistance was lighter. They got hit pretty hard after they got inland, but they did'nt have to fight their way up the beach. Also, let's not forget the fact that the American Military Industrial Complex is second to none. America would be able to outproduce any concievable foe, and Canada is no exception. Once America mobilized her legions of Mafia families, New York City street gangs, and LA Riot police, this war will be over faster than the Israelis can blow up Arabs.

- The Headless Drunken Idiot

Statistics show that American based buisnesses dominate 85% of all industry in canada. There is only a 15% base of true Canadian made products. So if we ever decided to go to war with you all we would have to do is shut down buisness in Canada and move it back to it's native soil. You wouldn't even have enough money to make war materials, and even if you did I don't think a car made out of maple leaves that runs off beer is going to beat an AMERICAN M1-Abram tank.


The Canadian Army falls back at first, confronted with superior technology. Unfortunately for USA, there are other schemes at work here. The Americans are about to be sabotaged by that most evil of evils, the Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds, fire-eater, ball-buster master of all data. That's right:

William F. Gates. (This may or may not be his real middle initial. What am I, supposed to do research?)

Not only the superior technology of the americans, but also the inferior tech of the Canadians is pulled out from under them as the Dark Lord of Microsoft demonstrates his evil power in order to grab more glory and souls for himself. His actions, however, cause far more pain than he could have imagined...

For there is a bug in the military shutdown program, and all cable and satellite television from Guadelehara to Greenland is shut down. The enraged populace of the US and Canada (Mexicans are too busy to worry about television) grab whatever weapons are available and take to the streets and begin slaughtering each other with a savagery never before seen in history. NPR listeners are murdered in their homes, having been absorbed by a piece on This American Life about a guy who inseminates chickens, and not noticed the rioting in the streets. With Real World and Jackass off the air, G W Bush loses his mind and beats Dick Cheney to death with a ceremonial model of an oil derrek. Bush soon recovers, but with Cheney gone the country is leaderless. Something similar happens with the optimus prime of Canada or whatever they have running their "government" up there.

End of the week the only people left are Mel Gibson, a dude with a makeshift helicopter and a bunch of mean people on makeshift looking vehicles. What is left of the military of both countries is wandering in small groups, the only standing order (oddly enough, this applies to both Canadians and Americans) to shoot Kevin Costner on sight.

After a couple of months the Mexicans wonder what has been going on, as G W Bush usually calls every few weeks, just to say "Hola." When they see what has happened, they conquer the leftovers and become the wold's greatest superpower. All McDonald's around the world become Taco Bells. Bill Clinton, freed from term limits, becomes president and leads Greater Mexico into a golden age of prosperity and licentiousness.

Winner, William Jefferson Clinton in less time than you think.

- Inspectah Mac

Dear Grudge match. Even though I am Canadian, I will be the first to admit that the US will beat Canada in open conflict for 5 simple reasons:

1) Military Might. The US is known for having some of the best trained soldiers in the world (that's both Navy and Army). The US uses these people help police the rest of the free world while keeping loads and loads of bilogical, chemical and nuclear weapons on the homefront to ensure that noone invades. {"Burn down the capitol?" It might just set off a super self-destruct weapon that wipes out everybody.) Canada, on the other hand, has allowed its' military to fall into disuse. Our greatest accomplishments are "peacekeeping operations" which include charging into another country, brandishing water pistols and then saying (in a very load voice) "Please halt! We are the Canadian Military . . . so carry on what you are doing."

2) Patriotism. When a college student graduates in the US, he/she seeks out employment. When a college student graduates in Canada, he/she seeks out employment in the US. Americans are grilled on their country's history from grade school on. Canadians are taught history on a mandatory basis in grades 9 through 13, and only in grades 9 and 10 is any of that Canadian history.

3) Positioning and population. Even though Canada is larger than the US, we have less people per square mile than the US. Also, the US has a northern state that gaurantees its' victory - Alaska. With it, Canada has to fight a two-front war while the US can fight at its' own pace.

4) WWWF use. More Americans use this site than Canadians do. Even if all of us Canadians were to vote once against only half of the Americans (assuming fair use of voting system) we would still lose due to pop. density (#3 reason) and finally

5) Reality. Canada is the unofficial 51st state of the US. It doesn't matter what anyone believes, it's the truth. So, in a sense, even if we do win, the US still wins in the end, regardless of the above reasons.

- Beer Foam

So as long as the Canadians don't mess with our cell phones or interupt the SuperBowl I don't think anyone in the USA will give a damn what they take over......... (besides one of their first stops would be Buffalo, and we all know Buffalo can't win at a damn thing)

- Crib19

America's war record 3-2-1? Sounds like someone's been smoking maple leaves. Let me think, we won the revolutionary war, the war of 1812, the mexican american war, the spanish american war, WW I, WW II, the Gulf War...the list goes on.

- Ah'm goin muddin!!!

How anyone could honestly think that Canada would defeat the US is as baffling as the pronunciation of "Hnatyshyn".

- Josh

Okay, drumstick, back the truck up. John, do you realize one of your largest points rests on the people who fought a successful war two hundred years ago? If we're going to bust out that kind of intergenerational wartime skill, my man, then Minnesota is packed to the gills with Vikings, Boston and Chicago are teeming with Celtic berserkers, every major American city has at least one division of Chinese cavalry, Texas has enough cowboys to retake the Alamo a thousand times over, and if we can find the descendants of the dead generals of yesteryear, your nation is a friggin' parking lot by 2004. What was the case two hundred years ago is not the case today, and invoking that sort of history on your behalf will get you nowhere but beaten.

For that matter, if there's one thing that American history teaches us, it's that we are a bunch of complete bastards. Your points about beer and donuts are well-made, being as how many people on both sides are stupid enough to enjoy the taste of beer, but Americans do not placidly sit down and enjoy something once they've been given it. They want some more, and if it is not given to them with due speed, they kill the owner and take it. Do you disagree? Ask the American Indians. They'll nod curtly and flip us off.

Finally, we discuss American stupidity. I am an American, and my countrymen's ignorance and idiocy disgusts and horrifies me, even as it surprises me again and again. Americans are pretty dumb. No argument. Americans, in fact, are like ZombiesTM, needing only the firm but gentle touch of a Master Zombie TM to be turned in the right direction. There are a few of us over here who know which direction north is, and if those people shout loud enough, you're going to have a great many gun-crazed morons who have finally been given a reason to vent their barely-repressed homicidal rage against a culturally acceptable target. Meanwhile, you lot have the Mounties. John, the Mounties wear red shirts. Point and game.

- Thomas Wilde

There are more people from the US than people from Canada on the Internet, several times more. However, the current voting margin in favour of the US isn't all that large. I can only assume that many Americans must be voting for the other side. If the Americans think they suck, why should I disagree?

- O.P.

I'm an American. I'm not particularly proud of my country, but I'm an American nonetheless. However, I'm voting for Canada on this one for the simple reason that our current Commander-In-Chief couldn't pull his head out of his rectal cavity, much less lead anything more challenging than a dog on a leash. Hell, he'd screw that up, too. He'd send the troops forth, all right-- heck, he'd probably pull a Dukakis and ride around in his Presidential Toy Tank, yelling "Look at me, Uncle Dick!", but by the time they'd finished conquering Tallahassee ("with a name like 'at, who knew it wasn't in a for'n c'ntry?"), Mexico City ("whoops. Heh. wrong turn, there, fellahszs. Sorry 'bout 'at."), New Haven ("Hi y'all! Just stoppin' by to say hi!"), and Minnesota ("Huh. Coulda sworn 'at guy back 'are had a Canadjun accent"), the goofy but efficient Canadian Army would have swept into D.C., earned the love of the locals by dynamiting the beltway with all the politicians on it, and installed Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit as the new joint Prime Ministers of the U.S., thereby ensuring that no one would want Ol' Dubya back anyway. It would have turned out much the same had Gore been elected (oh, wait! He was!). Al would have put together a seven-point plan to appoint a bipartisan committee to study the effects of sending forces up north on the traffic flow on interstate and air corridors and the subsequent impact on the economic demographics in regards to hey what are all those red and white flags doing on the South Lawn?

- k2

USA in a walk. But thanks for the enlightenment: Canadian pride is so precious! I didn't know it actually existed. But as far as the conflict is concerned, the Canucks have nothing. Beaver assault brigades? West Virginians + shotguns = end of threat/mouth-watering fricasee. Frigid temperatures? Our Minnesotans are used to it, plus check out the governor: The state obviously values kicking ass over diplomacy, and its population probably doubles Canada's. Strategically positioned hockey-playing assassins? Little-known fact: Canadians playing for American teams must be kept in cryogenic chambers when not on the ice. (Why else would their hair look like that?) One step into American sun and they're nothing but a few stitches and a mullet floating in a puddle. And though John is right in saying that Quebec isn't in France, half of Quebec doesn't want to be in Canada either, so don't count on their undying support. So while, much like the McKenzie Brothers, a little misplaced nationalism is OK in small doses, I suggest you take your beer, your doughnuts, and your Crash Test Dummies and go pray that us Yanks don't run out of lumber or ice or something else that'll bring us a-knockin'.

- Jeremy Egner

Is there a Captain Canada?

- Zoelef

Hey! We Canucks hate Ann Murray as much as you Yankees do! I'll tell you what it's all aboot, eh?

- Jessie "Proud citizen of the country who's biggest source of national pride is from beer commercials" Calliopa

Oh come on! The Canadians are smarter, healthier, more internationally-minded, cleaner, nicer and have better beer, prettier cities, and far and away better quality of life. Of course America will kick their ass! Like a battle between rennaisance poets versus club-weilding Neanderthals, America will destroy everything in its path, no matter how ecologically, socially, or economically sound 'cause IT'S NOT AMERICAN! URG! DIFFERENT BAD! DESTROY! DESTROY! If Americans were feeling really clever, they wouldn't have to fight at all. They could throw open their southern border and promise every Mexican a nice house in Manitoba for every ten Canuck scalps they get. Canada has nowhere to run, they only jump into conflict when Mrs. Windsor tells them to, and we've got more than enough minorities to exploit! Canada has only one hope. Suffer so gallantly that liberal Americans get so pissed that the destruction of Canada means we can no longer complain about our gun-crazy, retard executing, Kyoto protocol stomping, burger eating, xenophobic, NIMBY, whiny-ass, SUV-driving, Friends-watching, Forrest Gump-electing country by belting out the catch-all threat, "That's it, I'm moving to Canada," that we rise up and attack our own troops, the first wave of which will be from the border states, who won't be fighting all that hard anyway because they like Canada because the prescription drugs are cheap, the US dollar goes far and the drinking age is 18.

- Cram yer SUminiVan, honky!

Lets pretend for a while. Imagine that Canada's GDP isn't $7.2 billion (that's with a "B", as in "baby") and that America's GDP isn't $9.2 trillion (that's with a "T," as in "holy shiT"). Lets wander to the grudge-match fantasy world, where it's okay to disregard that America's military manpower is 10 times that of canada (7 million v. 70.5 million), and that American's spend more each year on hair-care products than Canada does on its military. See By Grudge Match convention, less than 10% of any given bout is swayed by reality. With this in mind, there are still ten glaring reasons why Canada will remain "the largest state we didn't want bad enough to buy."

1. Precedent: Behold just a sampling of the American victors: Jaws, Disney, Colonel Sanders, Dick Vitale, Dirty Harry, Indiana Jones, The Fonz, Rambo, Michael Jordan, The Postal System, and the Cartwrights. The American roster reads like a "who's who" of badasses. On the Canadian side we have, uh . . . Paul Anka? Answer me this: How many intoxicated beavers would it take to match the near god-like grudge match power of the hallowed Mr. T? Would a billion, willion, gazillion be enough? Nay, gentle maple leaf.

2. Whoop Ass: America is the world's leading exporter of cans of Whoop Ass(tm). In fact, W.A. Unlimited, a Georgia company, is the world's only licenced manufacturer of Whoop Ass(tm) ( I've been told that Whoop Ass is largely unavailable in Canada, but if you're hungry you can order family-size portions of Creamed Pansy(tm) in child-proof bottles.

3. SCTV: Arguably the worst thing ever witnessed by anyone, anywhere. A product of Canada.

4. The Braveheart Jihad (there is no Jihad): The Braveheart Jihad (tm), if it in fact exists (which it does not), is based in America. Nothing strikes fear into the heart of a grudge match combatant than the elusive whisper of "Jihad."

5. Texas: Do they have a "Texas" in Canada? Nuff said.

6. Mormons: There are over five million American members of the LDS faith who don't drink beer and will, therefore, offset Canada's "beer superiority." Just imagine the terrible day when Utah's floodgates open and a great horde of white-shirted, clean-cut, Mormon missionary commandos storm across the high plains two-by-two (or wait, did that already happen?).

7. Mounties: Could they look more faggy?

8. Celine Dion: Some may say that America will be forced to recon with Celine. They evoke images of Ms Dion standing at the border with a microphone and loudspeakers bellowing until Americans gouge out their own eardrums with icepicks. Hah! Fat chance! Not only did Americans weather Bryan Adams and Chris DeBurg, we have the Backstreet Boys and The Osmonds (see reason #6) who can be called into active duty at any time. Let's all hope it doesn't come to that. War really really CAN be hell.

9. The Babe Factor(tm): I won't get into any lists, but it seems to me that Canada got a double fisted helping of babes. That really pissed me off ‘till I realized, THEY ARE ALL SCREWING AMERICAN BOYFRIENDS!! Hah! I guess, when given a choice, all girls prefer American Beef.

10. National Health Care: In Canada, a wounded man is as good as dead.

- Ole Miss Law

Okay, in this dreaded war between the US and *heh heh* Canada, the clear winner is going to be the Good Ol' US and I'm not just saying that because I live near DC. Let's look at the way I see this war going.

Day 1: US troops mobilize near Buffalo, Canadian troops, dug in near Toronto, prepare for the coming attack. To confuse the enemy, US troops start singing "O Canada" continuously, prompting all Canadian troops to heavily drink in honor of their great country. American troops march in to Toronto unopposed as Canada's great protectors are still sleeping off last night's great party.

Day 3: Canadian troops move in to Montana, surprisingly, no one in the US minds at all.

Day 6: In a stunning victory, Stephen King single handedly routs the entire forces of Canada as he tells one of his patented scary stories. The Canadian army, terrified of a demonic presence about to eat their brains, runs for the border, so to speak. Says King "I just wanted those idiots out of my house."

Day 10: Canadian troops move out of Montana as the only entertainment there is a single pinball machine with one flipper missing. Quotes one soldier "That and I hadn't had any beer for 2 hours, eh." Again, no one in the US cares.

Day 15: Having captured several Canadian beavers and detoxified them from their beer-induced mind control, the US is able to utilize more sophisticated mind control means, namely Salma Hayek's hooters. The newly created American Beaver forces begin a systematic attack on all Canadian breweries, destroying millions of gallons of beers. Hundreds of Canadians surrender, a-la Iraq in the Gulf War. You see, it's a foregone conclusion. Now, if it had been Canada vs. Cub Scouts of America, it might have been more difficult as the Scouts would have had to have built their own artillery whilst Canada has, well, something.

- DWoods

Just some reasons why America will win:

1. The flags: America has 13 stripes for the original colonies that stuck together and fought off the British Empire at the height of its power. The stars represent how we systematically assimilated the rest of the continent and all its native inhabitants like the borg. But a giant AMERICAN borg! What does Canada have on their flag? A maple leaf. Yup, that's just about all they had to fight off. Chop down a few trees, kick a few beavers out of the way, defeat a French army, each one simpler than the next. Go USA!

2. We have stronger superheroes: Dudley Dooright vs. Superman?? Yes, I know, he was from Krypton, but every American came from somewhere else. Superman had to go through Ellis Island just like every other immigrant. "Man of Steel? Pleased to meet you! Sit down over there son of Jor-el. That sounds Jewish. Have you been immunized?" Canadians have Wolverine. Ok he's cooler, but he's basically a walking ginsu commercial. His bones are adamantium and stronger than steel, but one shot of heat vision and Wolverine is being served flambe over at Tavern on the Green.

3. Sports. Canadian Football is just like America, except that it is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. Like the currency, an American quarterback is worth 1 and a half Canadian quarterbacks. The BEST Canadian player, Doug Flutie, is an average QB in the NFL at best. Why would he want to play in the NFL anyway? Hmmm.... They have a sport up there called curling, which is basically shuffleboard on ice with 2 guys in front polishing the ice to win. Sad. In case you notice I forgot Hockey, that's because EVERYONE forgets about hockey.

4. Royalty. You still worship the queen. We kicked a king's ass!!

5. Music. Celine Deion. Nuff said.

6. Olympics. The Canadian swimming team remained celibate at the last Olympics for solidarity and competitive edge. True. If an American Olympic athlete doesn't feed the craving twice a day, he has to make up for it with a patriotic drug habit or violence. Sex to an American is like blood to a vampire. Oh I could go on, but I have to go to my big time American-style job while eating a fat US-Grade A-approved Cheeseburger and slowly dying of a patriotic coronary.

- Budo (The u stands for USA!)

U.S.A. no contest. What talent does Canada have? Comedians, musicians, and movie stars...all of whom have moved to the U.S.A. so they can make a crapload of money and not have to pay high taxes.

- The Wumpus

When I logged on today I could not believe my eyes. After so many years of this, it has finally arrived. War with the beer chugging hordes from the north has come at last... Okay about the War of 1812. It was the British Army that invaded the USA, they were just operating off of Canadian Soil. We were defeated by the mighty British who held an entire Planet groveling at their feet, not by the Canadians. Another thing foriegners consider Candians to be the same as Americans, so viewed from the outsiders perspective we are much stronger. This also implies that Canada is our bitch already and outright conquest can only follow. The biggest thing we have working against us is Dubya. This means that we will have trouble organizing a military attack. However thats not too much of a problem. We have so many guns in our general population that we won't need the military to function at top strength. Do know what will happen if the vast white trash populations and their holy trailer park homeland are threatened? I remember a scene in Mars Attacks where they stayed on to fight against the invincible alien invasion in the name of protectin' the trailer and the TV. Granted they were crushed but a bunch of hockey playing drunks aren't as dangerous as the Martian War Machines. Plus they have been hardened by bloody hand to hand combat on the Jerry Springer Show against all comers. They breed like coachroaches and if you kill one of them then ten will step in their place. Also the centuries of inbreeding have caused...MUTATION...and mutation will lead to victory... Also theirs the problem of overcoming the cities. The black bruthas in the ghetto are gonna see this invasion as another gang bent on musclin' in on their hood. When you hit the cities you will be facing a second Vietnam, a war you cannot expect to win. And hell has no fury like a cool black man. Many of many have kick ass through maximum security prison and their gangs will dig in and fight until the death to defend their turf. Also if the US is under seige then its likley that Big Bubba is gonna get let out of prison to further reinforce the lines. Also look at our champion. MISTER T! I PITY THE BEAVERS! True Canada has better beer then America. I mean who doesn't? But drunkness isn't going to help protect against a bullet to the head. I have played both Hockey and American Football. We have the bloodier game. In hockey your not trying to collide with the other team, in football thats a goal. Sure you guys say that the fact we were pads is wussy but if we didn't then the game would have a body count higher then the Vietnam War. And people still get killed in the process! No-one can invade America. If we were invading Canada I wouldn't have voted for my country because we're bad at that sorta thing. But this is in our back yard baby. And we aren't going to bend even an inch. WE WILL PAY ANY PRICE BEAR ANY BURDEN AND SUPPORT ANY FRIEND TO PRESERVE THE SURVIAL OF THIS GREAT NATION!!!!

- Captain Demento. Weirdo living off the Government and scoring with his social worker Julie Winters.

Since receiving the greatest number of votes means nothing in the United States, Canada wins.

- Andrew Raven

Here's how I see it, back in the 1800s, millions of beaver were killed by hunters with crappy rifles. So that basically means that today Tennessee alone could beat Canada.

- Patton

     When I was in art school, I brought a clock radio to painting classes to play music to listen to after the teacher left for the day. I remember this one incident where the Guess Who's American Woman aired, and this perfectly delightful art student painting next to me had objected to the chorus, "American woman, stay away from me."
     "What's this guy got against American women?" she asked.
     "He's not talking about any woman," I said. "The American woman he's referring to is the United States of America. The band is from Canada." And it's taken over twenty-five years for a song to reply to the Guess Who's American Woman. And which song would that be? Blame Canada. Canada has spawned such musical prodigies as Brian Adams and William Shatner, and the best America can retaliate with is Blame Canada. As Walter Cronkite has said, if Elvis were dead, he'd be turning over in his grave right now.

- Mike Leung

I have to side with John for this match. The Canadians will triumph over the United States for the simple reason that Americans know nothing about Canadians. I know this because of one man. One truly great man. A brilliant man. His name? Rick Mercer. He talks to Americans. He has proven on his CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) special that Americans know absolutely nothing about Canada. Some random Americans were asked if the USA should bomb Bouchard. The answer? A resounding yes. Bomb Bouchard? Not a horrible idea, but the problem is that he's a man. The former separatist premier of Quebec, not some home to a terrorist. Students at *Harvard University* were asked if the seal slaughter should be outlawed in Saskatchewan. More cries of yes, stop the killings and such. Saskatchewan is a land-locked province, which has no seals. Finally, George W. Bush, while Governor of Texas, was campaigning and stopped by Rick Mercer. Mercer told him that Canada's Prime Minister *Poutine* was backing him 100%. Bush smiled and told Mercer that he was looking forward to working with PM Poutine. What poor Dubya didn't (and probably still doesn't) know is that our Prime Minister is Jean Chretien. America will lose because they don't know anything about Canada or Canadians. They probably couldn't GET to the 80% of the population that lives within 100 miles of the US border, because no American thinks of Canada as a separate country requiring a passport or another form of identification. And finally, if that's not enough, remember the war of 1812. We burned your precious White House to the ground and the actions of a simple nurse, Laura Secord, caused over 500 American troops to surrender. This, in turn, led to us gaining the upper hand in the war and sending your pansy, no-good, rotten Yankee-Doodle-Dandy asses back south where they belonged. Vive le Canada!

- Julie from Quebec

In the defense of Americans, I have a video produced by a Canadian (who shall remain nameless) in which he asked various Canadians a variety of questions. You would be surprised how many couldn't answer basic questions about Canada. One thought Bush was a former prime minister! Mercer, I dare you to turn those cameras around! - Paul

For more responses, head over to Page 2
of the U.S.A. vs. Canada response file.


The most feared weapon in the Canadian arsenal is their geese. In Seattle they have begun gassing these shit-spewing vermin for fouling our water supply. If the socialist, tree hugging hippies of Seattle are willing to use poison gas on Canada Geese, imagine what they would be willing to do to Canadians.

- Claymore

No contest...Canada drops the eh bomb on the United States.

- Nathan Liesch

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

The French Army v. English Soccer Hooligans
Colonel Blake v. Colonel Klink
Waldo v. Carmen Sandiego

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Next Match: Will something survive?
ETA: Monday, July 15th, 2001

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