World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren - Y2K edition

G2: Grudgement Day - Y2K edition


The Scenario


January 1st, 2000:

The sun rises early in the east this morning, its golden rays penetrating the thick layer of smoke which now covers what once was the city of Chicago. Like thousands of other cities around the globe, this one is now quiet. Once a center of urban activity and only the night before home to a thriving menagerie of drunken frat boys peeing off balconies and aging yuppies gathering together, trying to find that one special person to kiss across the millenia.

But that was before the world ended...

Post-It Notes(tm) now lay smouldering on scorched desktops in gutted office buildings. ATM's shoot twenty dollar bills into the street onto the corpses of many a panicked human. Amidst the decaying aftermath of Armageddon, under the ruins of downed 747's and worthless stock certificates, life stirs. Beneath the heaps of garbage with Starbucks(tm) labels, a tiny creatures perks out its feelers.

"Hey, look guys! The humans are gone! It's time to paaaa-aaarty!" says a meek, high pitched voice. The pile of garbage rumbles as millions of cockroaches come above ground, washing over the vacant city like a brown tidal wave.

But they are not alone...

As the mass of pesky insects feeds on McDonald's (Again, TM) tofu-patties, they hear sounds in the distance. First one squeak... then another... From the sewers they came, fighting to reach any signs of food. The smell of rotting flesh and uneaten donuts has brought the rats from the deepest recesses of the city.

"Hey, what the hell is going on here, I though we were the only ones left!" says the leader of the Rats, staring fiercely at the roaches. "This is our planet, now, so you had better get used to the sewers!"

"I don't think so, furball!" retorts the Roaches! We were here first and we'll be here last. Go back underground before you get eaten like beef fajitas at a Tijuana weight watchers convention!"

Millions of tiny red eyes glow in the morning firelight, teeth chatter and antennas stiffen for battle.

"You had better scurry little ones, the lights just came on..."

So Joe, which of the infernal infestations inherit Illinois?


Cockroaches Rats

Cockroaches

vs.

Rats


The Commentary


JOE: Well, I have to say, I've been infested by roaches long enough. Yup, Joe's Apartment is just filled with them and I have to say from personal experience that they are the toughest things on the planet. Not because they are difficult to kill or anything like that but because there is so damn many of them. I have to sleep in my shoes because I can't help but step on about three hundred of them on the way to the bathroom in the morning and it does not even matter because in the time it took me to walk to the bathroom, seventy thousand more cockroaches were born.

Numbers isn't the only thing the roaches have going for them. That thick outer shell may not protect them against a pair of Vans (tm), but it'll have no trouble deflecting the meagre strength of a couple oversized mice. Also, they can do some serious d amage to something as soft as rat flesh. I dropped a can of soda in my place and it was gone before it hit the ground. Not just the soda mind you, but the whole freakin' can. They even ate the aluminium! Ratburgers will be just a midday snack to them. The y will genocide the global rat population before lunchtime and still have time to eat all the fruitcake left in people's houses after Christmas.

Finally, the roaches' third advantage is their ability to withstand nuclear holocaust. It is a scientific fact that if the world would end by nuclear proliferation, roaches would be the only life-forms to survive. If things get out of hand, they just h ave to set off the United States nuclear arsenal (which consists of over 20,000 nuclear weapons) and wipe out all the rats, leaving only the roaches from sea to shining sea.

JOHN: Joe, I respect the fact that you live in filth. In fact, I venerate thee. Be that as it may, do not be fooled - the rats will prevail to rule over our fallen civilization.

Let's review the facts - first, this confrontation is taking place in Chicago, in the middle of Winter. Now, according to your friend and mine, the Orkin man, roaches can't stand being in any climate below 68 degrees Fahrenheit. Dude, you take all the temperatures in a Chicago January, total them up, and together they don't add up to 68. Now, rats are warm-blooded creatures, much like a working majority of Chicagoans. So we know how the chemicals in all that kielbasa™ lying around will reac t in their systems; it will allow the rats the dual ability to simultaneously survive shirtless in cold weather and cheer for the Bears. A killing combination.

But moreover, roaches have neither teeth nor claws, and are at a significant size disadvantage relative to the rats. Not only that, but roaches have to rest 75% of the time to regain their strength. Either they're lazy bastards or they're high! Or have you never heard of the "roach clip", Joe? "Dude, some rats are attacking us!". "No way, dude. (pause) Pass the Fritos™."

Moreover, in addition to the rats' natural weapons, they have star power on their side - I refer, of course, to the Rat Pack! Think of how all the female cockroaches will react when Sammy Rat-Davis Jr. comes out for a little soft shoe number and Frank Sinat-rat belts out a heart-throbbing rendition of "Summer Wind". The lady roaches will be putty in the rats' hands. The male roaches might be angered to do something about this, but as we established before, they're high.

No question about it, Joe. Y2K is the year of the rat.

JOE: Well, John, you have apparently missed a few small facts concerning this scenario. #1: Living in filth and living in New Mexico go hand in hand, there is no reason to venerate me for it. #2. The real Rat Pack cannot help the roaches, due to their unfortunate condition of being dead and #3: last but not least, Chicago no longer has to worry about those dreadful below zero weather conditions thanks to nuclear holocaust brought on by Y2K. Yup, the windy city is now blowing with the warm breeze of radiation.

Roaches are not the sandal-wearing, ginseng swallowing, frisbee playing hippies of the insect kingdom that you have made them out to be, John. Have you ever seen them scatter when the lights come on? Their neurotic, directionless and fast. If that isn't a sure sign of a coked-up speed freak, I don't know what is. Yeah, it may hurt them later when they start coming down, but while the battle is on, I wouldn't want to be near a billion psychos who are flying just a little too high to feel pain.

The final reason the roaches have this one in the bag is because they are mean. They aren't cute and fluffy like rats are. Let's be honest here, nobody likes roaches but rats are soft - even cuddly. Animal rights activists all over the world are always trying to save them from experimentation. Does anybody ever try to save roaches? Do we ever see PETA picketing for all the poor roaches who are being gassed so that the newest Roach Motel will work? No... and that is because people are scared of roaches. They know the little bugs will take over the world so everybody is glad to see them die.

I think Y2K could be the year that Tony Danza finally comes back to late nite TV, or the year that Pamela Anderson wins an Oscar but I can't see how it could be the year of the rat.

JOHN: Joe, first you said that the roaches could choose to detonate a nuclear weapon, then you make it a precondition of the match. Make up your mind as to how the world ends! Even if a nuke does go off, it's still in the rats' favour, because, hey, nuclear winter! Instead of Bears games being played at minus twenty, they'll be played at minus three hundred! Personally, I'm not sure that a nuclear blast would dust off the rats; after all, if English Soccer Hooligans could take a nuke without damage, it's at least even money that rats could as well.

And for your information, rats are not soft and cuddly, unless you consider being a carrier of Hepatitis E and pathogens cute or endearing. Although given your earlier statements concerning your New Mexican lifestyle, you may not be an accurate sample of society at large. They are only soft and cuddly relative to roaches, which only goes to reinforce my earlier point about the lady roaches getting all hot and nasty for the rats.

Another thing: if, using your laboratory example, people are so scared of roaches, why is it that the Man™ chooses to lock up the rats behind bars? Who is the greater threat - insects that feed on toaster leavings, or genetically-altered super-mutant lab rats that could take out scores of thousands of roaches with their fire-breath and super-strength or could plot to take over the world la Brain?

So let's review: Roaches are butt-ugly, drugged-out freaks that are afraid of light, and have to rest three quarters of each day to prepare themselves for running from lit objects. Joe lives in filth. Based on the preceding sentence, he also meets the minimal requirements to actually be a roach. I made a reference to English Soccer Hooligans. What a great way to round out the final WWWF commentary of the millennium!


Thanks to the many people who suggested this match. In the spirit of pointing the finger of blame
at a single individual, our own HotBranch! is behind the timing of this match.


The Results


Rats (544 - 52.3%)

exterminate

Cockroaches (497 - 47.7%)


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Voter Comments


RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

Gold Grudgie

Y2K Story

Rats [sing]
"The Rats are gonna have their day tonight!"
Roaches [sing]
"The Roaches are gonna have their way tonight!"
Rats
"The Cockroaches grumble, "fair fight", but if they stay start a rumble, we'll rumble them right!"
Both Species
"We're gonna rock it tonight, we're gonna have us a ball. They're gonna get themselves a fight, and the bigger they are the harder they'll fall!"
Tony the Rat [sings]
"Tonight, tonight, won't be just any night, tonight there will be no morning star. I'll see my love tonight..."
Tony the Rat
"Maria! Maria! C'mon Maria!!!"
Maria the Cockroach
"Run my love, run. You're in danger!"
Tony the Rat
"I ain't afraid of no Chino."
Maria the Cockroach
"You do not understand Tony. They got Chino!"
Tony the Rat
"Who got Chino?!"
Pigeons [sing]
"We're the ones to stop them for once and for all, the Pigeons are going to have their way, the pigeons are going to have their way, we're gonna dive crap them tonight!"

- Ogre


ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

Amid all of the frantic hustle and bustle of the holiday seasons combined with Y2K, people have abandoned their lives for strange cults and other "Prophicies of Impending Doom" (copyright 1999-2000, Fanatics-"backward R"-Us).

Yes, as any babbling rabid schizophrenic will tell you, the END is at hand, and God's wrath shall reign o'er the land. And Biblical Prophecies are nothing to mess with...

"Then from the smoke came locusts on the Earth, and they were given authority like the authority of scorpions of the Earth" Rev. 9:3, NRSV

To anyone who has read Revelation, and many oter books of the Bible, it is apparent that locusts are one of God's Favorite tool of choice, along with Bloody Water, Mountains falling from the sky, blotting the son out, and of course, Angels of Death.

So what does this have to do with the fight? Just about everything!

Since the cockroaches are the only species left that are even remotely close to the Locust family (Frank, Mary, Sarah, and Little Mikey), the roaches will be used as the "Hand of God."

The pathetic vermin shall be subject to the Holy Wrath(copyright 1,000,000,000,000 years before Earth, GOD) of the cockroaches.

And a new passage was forged into time:

"And yea, the Verminous Infestation was banished from the world. And it came to pass, that the Holy Wrath, Apocalyptal Might, and nuclear impervious bodies of the Cockroaches/Locusts invested in them by The Creator Himself were most victorious, and it was good."

- Crude Oil


ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

At first glance, this looks a bit like a replay of the Russo-Finn "Winter War" of '39-'40: Strength vs. Flexibility. Let's look at all the factors:

I. Strength: Rats have sharp teeth and the muscles to drive them home with. But, have you ever heard of a cockroach using an exercise-wheel? Come on. Advantage: Rats.

II. Flexibility: Despite their gracefulness, as seen in life and in "The Nutcracker Suite," rats need a lot more space to work with than any insect. Roaches, on the other hand, have evolved specifically to squeeze through tiny cracks. They will have no trouble zipping through the rubble to repeatedly retreat, regroup, and surround their larger foes. Plus, I lived for three years in the same city as Joe ("Lost Causes," New Mexico) and can attest to the variety of specialized roaches. Some even have wings! Advantage: Cockroaches.

III. Hangers-on: While both vermin are known for harboring germs, rats have macroscopic lackeys as well. These rat-carried fleas wiped out a third of Europe with the Black Death, and will make formidable allies for the rodents. Advantage: Rats.

IV. Morale: There is truth in the simile, "fight like a cornered rat." But, roaches stand up to threats only when they are too stupid to recognize the danger. One would think that numbers would lend courage, yet experiments have shown that cockroaches actually flee the light FASTER when in the company of their peers! (And I'm not making that up!) Advantage: Rats.

V. Chemical resistance: As research scientists know, 85% of anything causes cancer in a lab rat. True, "Raid" seems to be so incredibly potent as to cause its insectan victims to even explode, but that is commercial propaganda. To kill this arthropod, one really must use the John Goodman Extermination Method (as seen in "Arachnophobia"): spray with insecticide, glare at unharmed target, spray some more, glare again, walk over, squash with foot. Advantage: Cockroaches.

VI. Intimidation power: Other than the Madagascar hissing variety, scavenging roaches are repulsive, not scary. Well, okay, they're scary if you're a housewife about to have her mother-in-law visit, but not to anyone else. In contrast, in Orwell's "1984" [spoiler alert] a rat was the only thing terrifying enough to break the captive hero's will. Advantage: Rats.

VII. Historical precedent: We know from "Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" that rodents are Earth's creators and already control our world, living in laboratories so as to monitor our top scientists. Also, many heads of our biggest corporations are described as rats. The highest position I've seen attained by a cockroach was that accountant in "An American Tail." Advantage: Rats.

Final Score: Rats 5, Cockroaches 2. Before the war of attrition ends, expect to see published interviews between the head furball and Studs Turkel (who could probably survive anything).

- Matt Bricker



Ever see a giant plexiglass rat in a sombrero? No? I rest my case.

-Vermin Boy

- And trust someone called "Vermin Boy" in a match about rats and cockroaches.


The "Secret of NIMH" rats will arrive, and whip the rest into a mad frenzy of roach-stomping death. That was easy, pass the roach.

- RITH


Let's see if we can sort out this debacle via the tried-and-true method of comparison, shall we?

Evolutionary Standing: Insects have been around for the longest, thriving before and during the time of dinosaurs, and survived the cataclysm that destroyed the great lizards. They are everywhere, in every subarctic clime, in every niche. There are more insects on Earth than all other species of animals combined. That would seem to be an automatic advantage to the roaches, but...

Rats (and those other mammals, too) are admittadly respective newcomers to the evolutionary race. Though they be rookies here, they are also the ones who replaced the dinosaurs, and can be found in even more climates than insects.

Decision: Draw

Reproduction: let's face it, the rate cockroaches breed at makes a rabbit blush in shame. Though the rats are no slouches themselves, they just can't compete here.

Decision: Cockroaches

Cuteness: Cockroaches are not cute, with the possible exception of those in Joe's Apartment (tm). Though mice or lab rats may be cute, note where these particular rats emerged from: the sewer. Sewer rats aren't cute. As a side, sewer rats are often believed to be the only match for the alligator-flushed-down-the-toilet (en masse, of course).

Decision: Draw

Combat Ability: A person sees a cockroach, they step on it. A person sees a rat, they go buy a trap to kill it instead of risking face to face confrontation , 'cause the rat may actually hurt them.

Decision: Rat

Death and Disease: Cockroaches are amongst the cleanest creatures on Earth, contrary to popular opinion. Rats wiped out 1/3 of Europe with the Black Plague.

Decision: Rat

Previous Battles: I've seen nature films where wasps have killed small mice. I've also seen films where mice have killed scorpions. Not a lot of help here, is there?

Draw.

So, in totally up the case by cases, it looks like the cockroaches are defeated, and the rats go on to rule the world... in other words, any surviving humans won't notice much difference, aside from the decline in restaurant quality (but at least the service is now nicer).

- Rogo


The Rats will gorge themselves on stale Cheetos by nightfall, having easily triumphed over the overconfident Cockroaches.

As it was so rightly pointed out, Y2K will indeed be the Year of the Rat. Why? Because like Bruce Lee, the Rats have a "Chinese Connection".

We all know that the Chinese celebrate the year of the Rat, an animal in their esteem equal to the Dragon and the Horse. But is there a year of the Cockroach? I don't think so and for good reason.

COCKROACHES ARE STUPID.

I mean, what other creature would choose to live in a dirty, overpriced apartment where there are holes in the walls and your fat drunken nieghbor keeps you up all night with his "body music"?

Furthermore, the Chinese Rats, having all studied the words of Sun Tzu, have well prepared themselves for this day. They will draw upon these ancient truths of victory and seek "To win without fighting."

Yes, the Cockroaches may be greater in number, but that will be of no accord. The Rats, wise from their teachings will "tire them by flight" and "appear to be lowly and meek, so as to make them arrogant-then they will not worry about them (the Rats), and they can attack as they (the Cockraoches) relax."

The Cockroaches, being angered and stirred into a violent rage will seek to destroy the Rats outright. However, the Rats, being Rats, will sneak away and hide whenever the Cockroaches come near. Has anyone ever called you a sneaky COCKRACH? The Cockraoches will tire themselves out with their effort and their strength will wane, their will diminish and their spirits sink. At this time the Rats may hope to attack with some good plan.

And finally, as Master Sun himself put it...

"According to my assessment, even if the Cockroaches have many more troops, how can that help them to victory?"

- The Crystal Meph


If you count rats and mice togather, they will rule the world. The rats are all trained in the martial arts by their Sensei, Master Splinter from the TMNT. The mice will be lead by none other then Pinky and The Brain. Also the Rats from NIMH probably already have spies planted all over the cockaroach community. Stewart Little and Ralph the Mouse will add popularity. Rizzo the rat from the Muppets will have his friend Gonzo call on some of his alien friends.

Some would say that the Rats already rule the world. Heck their's lawyers and politicians. They already have their own empire. M I C K E Y M O U S E.

- Nutrini


As everyone knows, a full-scale war will depend on manpower (roachpower and ratpower, in this case) and leadership. Since power seems to be evenly matched in this case, we've got to figure who will be leading both sides.

On the side of the roaches you have...what? Got no idea here. You've seen one roach, you've seen them all. The roaches will be directionless and confused as to battle tactics.

On the other side, you've got rats living in the sewer. And as for sewer rats, you know they've got the smartest rat what ever lived on their side: Splinter. OH YEAH, Splinter, ninja master and trainer of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the most seriously kick-ass fighting team ever. Splinter will train the rats how to take out the roaches quickly and effectively, probably stomp on a few himself. And also, the Ninja Turtles probably survived the holocaust too. They are *mutants* after all, and wouldn't have too much of a problem with radiation.

Face it, no team of roaches can take down the Ninja Turtles, nonetheless the Turtles and an army of rats. Heroes in a half shell, turtle power!

- Infraggable Krunk


I say this to all my fellow humans, Support your fellow mammals, we came from the same humble beginnings scampering before dinosaurs, it is only chance that we inherited the planet rather than them. So we should treat them in this vote like a helping out a poor relation. Rats have evolution on their side, the roach has a sucessful design that has essentially remained unchanged for more seconds than gates has dollars. But what have the roaches done in that time, gone to the moon, split the atom, became the dominant species?. No. In 1/10 or less of the time rat-like mammals became capable of wiping out all life on the planet with enough tech left over to make infomercials. Rats have the smarts. They will win.

- D. Merzel


Roaches arent that tough. Tough to kill sure, but they aren't bad asses. The have the advantage over the rats for sheer number but rats are mean. Not kinda mean like the little lady next door who kept your wiffle ball when it went over her fence. Mean like Hillary Clinton. The main thing that roaches do to humans is freak us out, but they have no weapons. Rats have huge nasty teeth! Sharp teeth, and nothing freaks out rats. A rat wouldn't think tiwce of eating a roach, and that's what they would do. The rats would subjugate the roaches to do their evil bidding, having them collect said kolbasa and brining it as offerings to the new world leaders, the rats. Well not new leaders, as most world leaders are already rats, albeit of a differnt genus.

- ralph von wonderllama


Case "A": Cockroaches are classified in the common vulgar as "bugs".

Case "B": Babies often put bugs in their mouths.

Case "C":"'The rat,' said O'Brien, still addressing his invisible audience, 'although a rodent, is carnivorous. You are aware of that. You will have heard of the things that happen in the poor quarters of this town. In some streets a woman dare not leave her baby alone in the house, even for five minutes. The rats are certain to attack it. Within quite a small time they will strip it to the bones. They also attack sick or dying people. They show astonishing intelligence in knowing when a human being is helpless.'"
-- O'Brien to Winston Smith in Room 101 of the Ministry of Love. 1984 by George Orwell, 1949

So by logic, if we know that A is consumed by B and B is consumed by C, it follows that A is also consumed by C. Rats win, in what the voice on the telescreen calls "an utter rout!"

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight sez "DOWN WITH THE ANTI-SEX LEAGUE!! DO IT TO JULIA!! DO IT TO JULIAAAAAA!!!"


The way I see it, this match is all about unity and strategy.

In the weeks prior to this match the two factions each planned on their strategies on defeating the enemy. It's obvious that both rats and roaches are mentally incapable of coming up with these ideas. Both teams need a leader who can rally up the creatures and contain some intelligence.

The roaches are represented by Power Puff Girls villain Roach Coach who is a highly intelligent roach bent on world domination who disguises himself as a dirty, filthy human (resembling Ray from the Rayman 2 ads).

The rats are represented by Ninja Turtle villain the Rat King. Although human he finds sanctuary from the chaos of the New Year in his sewer home. His mind control on rats are helpful but Roach Coach's "have a bunch of roaches join into a giant roach" trick would be too much for he and his minions.

But wait! As Roach Coach gets ready for the destruction of humanity, his robotic suit explodes, killing him. Turns out he wasn't Y2K compliant either. His roaches, incapable of memory, don't know what to do and become easy pickings for their adversaries. Because of the high amounts of radiation in the atmosphere, the Rat King has become the ruler of a world he can never see. Ironic, isn't it?

- Gavok


Rats vs cockroaches.... boy that's a tough one!!!!

Well, lets look at the information given;

1) Cockroaches rest 75% of the time Conclusion: only 1/4 are active at any given time

2) Cockroaches are so high, pain is as foreign as Soccer Hooligans in New Mexico (sorry Joe, but it's true) Conclusion: they think they're invincible

3) Rats have size and strength advantages (not to mention claws and teeth)

Conclusion: the roaches hard exoskeleton is going to be nothing more then a hard candy coating

Since neither side is really short on food we'll leave RAGE(tm) out of this. The natural advantages of the rats mean they can plow through the roaches at their leasure - and since only 1/4 or the roaches are active - leaving roach shells behind in squishy masses. But even at only a quarter strength the roaches will still out number the rats 10 million to one!!! And since they're all trippin, those that are awake will be chargen in for the warmth. Finally (for all of you who have seen Joe's Apartmant, a room in New Mexico, or any low income housing) reinfocements are everywere.

After a long grulling battle, the Rats are smuthered under the weight of cockroach carcass. Since the battle started 500 million more roaches were born....

In the distaince a small voice can be heard singing, "...we've been around for a hundred million years, and we'll be here long after you..."

- nightfox


Even in the post-apocalyptic world, I find myself making a poem.

Everything died on the very first day
of the year of the crisis we called "Y2K".
They say it all started when all lights had gone dark
(or another damn party with the half-dead Dick Clark).
All the mammals were dead, all the viney plants too.
All the fish that could swim, all the birdies that flew.
Everybody checked out. Every animal race.
'Cept the ones, doctors said, were the singular case.
The roaches came out. They all danced with glee.
No humans were here; they would no longer flee.
They sought for some roast beef or vegetable can
and they laughed at the corpse of the Orkin Man.
The world was now theirs. There was nothing they feared.
But what they knew not - someone else was still here.
'Twas the furry hairballs known as the sewer rats.
"Hey, there ain't no more humans, and there ain't no more cats!"
The two types lived in peace 'till they met one another.
"This world can't support food for both of us, brother!"
Within minutes it was obvious a fight had rang out.
What a good gory battle! What a great worldwide bout!
Between insects and vermin - who would win such a battle?
Many bets had been made among animal prattle.
It took a week and three days; the numbers were many.
More deaths came about; there were corpses aplenty.
The war had seemed even; no lead had been taken.
Many envied the dead; all the soldiers were shaken.
They all said, "A terrible price has been paid."
Seconds later some were killed with some aeresol RAID.
A foot came upon roaches. A voice said, "Hoo-Ha!"
The voice? Paul Golba - The Ground Zero Poobah.
"You thought we were killed? You thought we were dead?
You don't kill the Grudgies. Now, that being said...
Come out, GZ Staff, so we can stomp all these bastards!"
Commentators came out (many were plastered).
The one they called Shane set out roach motels.
The bugs were enticed, and then they met Hell.
Thinkmaster General threw out some mousetraps.
Rats were present when the thin wires flapped.
Before anyone could make one Canada joke,
HotBranch! took a harpoon - some rats were now "poked".
Turns out Grudge fans had survived the great crash.
The worldwide comp nerds came, and boy, did they mash.
Every roach in the world was currently done.
Every single rat, too... that is, saving one.
His eyes were quite crazed; his mouth covered with drool.
Mr. T crushed his bones. He said, "Crazy fool!
If you was a bird, you'd be sure I would pluck ya,
just like I had done with those CI Host suckas!"

- Charge Man


Roaches. Definitely roaches.

As a kid, it was my unenviable duty to feed the cat every night. Since the cat was an outdoor cat (by virtue of official edict from Mom), that meant the poor animal not only had to miss out on the comforts of home but also had to battle it out with legions of the dirty little buzzards just to enjoy a decent meal.

Although at one point, I did manage to make it a fun event by acquiring a flyswat cleverly designed as a bulls-eye, complete with different scores, depending on which part of the flyswat it was that squashed the little buggers. I used to always try to rack up as many points as I could capping their little keesters, one by one...10 points here, another 30 there, DUDE - BULL'S EYE...a whole friggin' 50-pointer! Bonus shot.... No tellin' how many high scores I broke terminating the little critters, night after night...

Problem is, they screw almost as much as they contaminate (which is everywhere and everything in sight -- don't believe me? Read the World Book Encyclopedia, from which I quote: "Roaches are dirty and contaminate everything they touch"). Therefore, for every roach I slaughter, roughly 10,000 more return to take its place!

Only time I've ever seen a rat was in New York City -- and yes, by "rat" I actually mean the furry little bubonic-plague/Black Death carrying variety as opposed to the politicians, cab drivers, muggers, subway pervs and anything else standing on two legs. However, it was only one rat, and it was deader than a doornail -- little legs stuck out like it was begging for mercy, ugly little overbite adding to the look of sheer horror it must have had, knowing its end was soon forthcoming. I simply walked around it and went on my merry way.

And even if this match *had* occurred in Europe roughly 500-600 years ago (can we say "Bring out your dead, bring out your dead"), rats weren't necessarily the original cause (though they certainly didn't help) -- rats probably got the plague germies from the ROACHES themselves!

And the nuclear holocaust argument does indeed work in favor of the roaches...ever seen the movie Damnation Alley? World globally nuked, the few remaining survivors roaming what's left of scorched earth, and among all the perils they faced -- KILLER COCKROACHES that ate people alive! If they could take on mankind like that, NO FREAKIN' WAY would a rat stand a chance!

Roaches are taking this one, and I see the "Funky Towel" Dance making a surprise comeback...

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie


Hey, Joe! Rats are virually radiation proof too. When I was young and going to the library in the mid 1980s in Greater London, there were tons of books about nuclear holocausts and all said that the rats would survive. You tell us the roaches would survive. Both things being true the nuclear option in this battle is null. John points out that rats have been genetically modified and hence the uber rat. Now if you have listed to 'the boxed life' by Henry Rollins you would know that he was responsible for at least 1 Uber rat excaping from the NRI facility where he worked as a kid. At the rate that rats multiply and the fact that these are uber rats, i'd say the roaches, who can only operate effectivley at night(but can probably spell better than me) dont stand a chance.

- Harjap


Bill: Hello, I'm Bill Swerski. Welcome to Bill Swerski's Super Fans. Say hello to Todd O'Connor, Pat Arnold, and Carl Walarski.

Todd, Pat, and Carl: Hello.

Todd: Hey, Bill.

Bill: Hey. Anyway, we're here in a bunker below Mike Ditka's Restaurant in downtown Chicago. Seems we had a bit of a problem wit da Y2K bugs.

All (raising their beer mugs): Da bugs!

Bill: Lucky fer us, we stockpiled beer, bratwurst, toilet paper, and someting else. What was dat again?

All (raising mugs): Daaa Tums!

Bill: Da Tums!

Pat: Comes in pretty useful with Todd over dere.

Todd: Don't make me stand up!

Bill: Boys! Boys. What'sa fella ta do? Anyway, the boys at Ground Zero have started taking one of dem survey tings about cockroaches and rats. Carl, who do you tink would win?

Carl: Ditka!

All (raising mugs): Ditka!

Bill: Carl, sure as yer gonna have tree heart attacks before da match is over, Mike Ditka isn't in da contest.

Carl: Ditka will still win.

All (raising mugs): Ditka!

Bill: Pat, whadya tink?

Pat: Da Bears!

All (raising mugs): Daa Bears!

Todd: Da Bulls!

Bill: Wit or Witout Michael Jordan.

Todd: Tree minutes wit. Seven minutes witout.

All (raising mugs): Da Bulls.

Bill: Well, dat's all the time we have for today's Super Fans. I'm Bill Swerski. Goodbye.

- Mark Wentz


No contest. Roaches can sing, and damn well at that. The only rats I've ever heard sing were Templeton in Charlotte's Web and Splinter on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles album. That alone makes the roaches worthy of victory.

Besides, look at the first four letters of cockroach. Anything tough enough to make it through grade school with a name like that can easily beat the hell out of laboratory fodder.

- Myself....who else?


C is for the carapace that shields your tender bod,
O is for the Orkin man, who never stood a chance
C is for you're creepy looks - they're really rather odd
K is is for your Kraft-cheese food, shunned by even ants
R reminds us of your style
O masters of the garbage pile!
A is Aeons you have reigned upon this island earth
C is for that "crunch" you make when stepped upon with mirth
H stands for your history - a surer victor cannot be!

Roaches win.

- Whit


As a resident of the great state of Wisconsin and one of its major tourist attractions, I had to think long and hard who would inherit that state of Illinois. Would it be the cockroaches, those small, pesky carrion eaters who flee from the light? Or would it be the rats, those small, furry, crafty minions of evil? Once I decided that rats were the minions of evil, it was easy to decide who would take over the state of Illinois. (Or perhaps who I wish would take over the state of Illinois.) That choice, of course, was:

The Rats

Why the rats? Quite frankly, who would notice if Illinois was populated and run by rats. It's not much different from the status quo. The present residents of Illinois (known hereafter as FIBs™) are crafty, devious, treacherous, annoying, and above all, evil. Their driving skills are much like those of a rat running a maze in search of cheese, and they drive at three speeds:

  1. "My house is on fire; I have to catch it."
  2. "My grandmother drives faster than this."
  3. Dead Stop
Though it seems FIBs™ are as proliferous as cockroaches, rats fit the bill. Let the rats have Illinois. We people here in Wisconsin can appease them with cheese.

- Balthazar the Blue


The media power of the rats has been diminishing for the last twenty years. It's 70's heyday of "Ben", "Charlie", and "Midnight Cowboy" are behind it. Gone, too are the 80's second-tier charm of "Secret of NIMH" and " Mice are in, thanks to "Stuart Little", "Mousehunt", and Green Mile, but their chunky cousins are going the way of Chunky A. We've gone from the Rat King and Splinter (TMNT) to the Ratcatcher (Batman) to Rizzo Ratzo (Muppets).

But, as a wise man said (at the end of a "Married...with Children episode), The Cockroach Is King Because He Eats Crap. It's rise and dominance in recent roach movies like 96's "Joe's Apartment", 97's "Mimic", and 98's "Half-Baked", show this. But none for 99? That's because they're hiding, ammassing, waiting to strike.

- Wubbie


It's rather simple to see that the Rats have the advantage in this match. The first main advantage those mammals would have is as follows: Rats Eat Cockroaches. Along with just about anything else. But that's not the REAL important part. What the deciding factor would probobly be is the fact that the Rats have an abundance of allies that those rats have to draw from....

The Rat pack: Already mentioned, though they DO have some mob ties to back them up, and this -IS- Chicago, you know.

Tunnel Rat: One of the less-noteworthy G.I. Joe guys. But, as we all know, a pissed off commando with a Kung-fu grip(tm) -IS- a force to be reckoned with.

Mallrats: Namely, Jay and Silent bob. These guys can do just about -ANYTHING- and throw in some Lucasfilm references to boot.

And, last of all, Batman. Yeah, batman. As I recall, some villain may have referred to the spandex-wearing superhero as 'a rat with wings', which is close enough for me. And this wouldn't be pansy-ass George Clooney, either. Michael Keaton all the way. Because, after all, he IS batman.

The final verdict? Chicago's turned into the world's biggest roach motel within the hour.

- Moker Joe


As an Illinois resident (not that far from chicago, in fact) I can tell you this- the rats will win. Why? Its a simple enough reason.. the weather. Rats, being mammals, can hold their own body heat in, making it possible to get around in the cold weather that we have (and are currently having) around here. Roaches, on the other hand, are insects, and insects tend to get very slow and eventually die from the cold. Ever see a fly when its a little chilly in the room? Same thing. Rats all the way.

- Virdilak, loyal devotee of Hotbranch!


Rats are easily exterminated by a few pieces of plywood with springs attached.

Cockroaches will continue to infest your home despite Roach Motels, constant applications of Raid, and frequent visits by the Orkin Man.

You can kill a roach, but you can never get rid of roaches.

- Franz Kafka


Things in our lingo name after Cockroach: Well, there are two that spring to mind.

1. LaCuckaracha, a little buggy or something always ridden in by Pancho Villa, a Mexican rebel who always caused a lot of trouble till what at that time was the whole US Army, it seemed, under General Persing finally captured him.

2. LeBeau on Hogan's Heroes was nicknamed Cockroach. Heroes never die, and he could make great food. Including, perhaps, some with rats in it, since they were POWs. (Especially to feed the Krauts.) 'Nuff said.

Rats? Well, it's not so good...

1. Okay, so there's the Rat Pack. But, as stated, they're dead, and Robert Clary is still living. (And the man who played LeBeau spent some time in a concentration camp, if memory serves, which gives him bonus points.)

2. However, there's the phrase RATTING ON SOMEONE. This means giving them up, being a stool pigeon, and so on. These rats don't stand a chance, because they'll have plenty of their comrades who will "rat on" them, and all this ratting on each other will undermine them terribly.

Cockroaches in a cakewalk.

- Doug


Once again I must respond with: "The winner is none of the above".

While the rats and cockroaches are scurrying for position, a loud, snarling, squawk-like laugh flies through the air. From under a pile of rubble emerges a radioactive Burgess Meredith. He's the only human left and he just broke his only pair of reading glasses, and he is royally pissed off. The vermin charge this new challenger, but are quickly turned back. Burgess dealt routinely with animals that crapped bigger than rats during his days of Those Amazing Animals (tm). If Burgess wasn't the only human left, I could include something here about Priscilla Presley at his side in a post- apocalyptic leopard-skin loin cloth, but I'm afraid that can't happen. Sorry, fan boys.

As wave after wave of pests are terminated, an army of small figures appear over the horizon: penguins! Last time I checked, the South Pole wasn't too reliant on computers, so I'm not sure why you folks thought that the penguins would be wiped out by Y2K. They haven't, and taking advantage of the Nuclear Winter (tm) that may or may not have occured (Joe still hasn't made up his mind), they have arrived in Chicago to support their leader.

The battle is brief but bloody. Penguins, a flightless freak of nature, then become the dominant lifeform on earth. Don't laugh -- who in their right mind would have ever given monkeys a chance?

- Brian (tm)


The whole mental image of rats and cockroaches battling for turf gives me the heebie-jeebies; oddly, though, it also makes me want to sing songs from "West Side Story." I can just see rats wearing leather jackets while the roaches sport gold chains. Maybe it was something I ate... I want to live in A-mer-i-ca...

- Eric Zawadzki


A moment's thought will reveal the rats to be the inevitable victors. Their superiority is implicitly acknowledged throughout our culture. Just a few examples:

Fact: No stand-up comedian ever did an impersonation of classic movie tough guy Jimmy Cagney saying "You dirty cockroach!"

Fact: In the novel 1984, when the Party snaps Winston Smith's spirit like a dessicated pretzel stick, they do it by threatening him with enraged, starving rats. The greatest science fiction novel of the 20th century wouldn't have been the same if Winston had lost his last shred of humanity to a couple of cockroaches.

Fact: No lab scientist ever learned a darn thing from a cockroach.

Corollary: Nobody will ever write a book entitled "Mrs. Frisby and the Cockroaches of NIMH."

Utterly Devastating Fact: It is a close cousin of the rats, not the roaches, that is the emblem of the Evil Empire(™, Disney).

If the cockroaches surrender now, they might be suffered to live as slaves of Earth's furry master race. If they're lucky.

- Call me Shane


First off, I would like to make one supremely important point. Rats are Satan. What wiped out one third the population of Europe and Asia during the Dark Ages? Rats. Okay, so it was a germ inside of fleas that were on the rats' backs, but still rats are the invincible servants of the Prince of the Underworld. Which brings up another thought provoking point. Have you ever actually seen a rat die? Sure, you find them in your traps or lying by your box of poison, but do you ever see it die? For all you know once you flush it, toss it out back, or sacrificially burn it to appease whatever dieties you believe in, it could return to life, twice as mean, twice as cunning, and twice as furry. Would Satan ever let his loyal subjects die? Being thus imbued with the power of the Lord of the Netheregions, nothing short of an army of the Heavenly Host descending from above and washing the world in a tsunami Goodness can stop a plague of the Small Furry Rodents. One final point. Rabies. This is a disease that only affects mammals, driving them into fits of unimaginable rage and power. Imagine a grey, teeming mass of slavering, red-eyed rats, with a maniacally cackaling Satan just behind, advancing on what? Roaches. Conclusion: Roach, it's what's for dinner.

- Sauron


Here's a little detail: The only reason humans fail to destroy cockroaches is their unwillingness to take the needed steps. They foolishly try to destroy the durable insects with phone books, heels etc. and, for some reason, refuse to take the necessary step of after stunning the roach with the aforementioned methods -- injesting the little buggers. While the super-hard carapace may save the Blattidaeans , it is surely no good against being dissolved in stomach acid.

Needless to say, the pragmatic rats have no compunctions against consuming their foes and will, thus, carry the day.

- Ralph the Wonder Llama (Brandon Payne)


I've got to give this one to the rats...and here's my reasoning
Ok...who is the ultimate Man in Black? Answer:The Dread Pirate Roberts!!!!
Very good. Now, what two things almost killed the Dread Pirate Roberts? Answer: The Machine and the ROUS (rodents of unusual size)
Therefore...rodents have threatened the life of the ultimate MIB, The Dread Pirate Roberts. I scarcely think Cockroaches could do as well.
Add the radiation from the nuclear launches and ROUS's will be roaming all through Chi-town.
Roaches check in...they don't check out.

- Tristan "The Griffon Master" Pratt


The rats have several big advantages here. First, given their huge role in genetics research, virtually every kind of mutant rat imaginable has been created by some biologist looking for a grant proposal. This gives them a profound advantage in the Darwinian evolution required to survive the Apocalypse, since if any gene gives a special survival advantage, they've already got it. The cockroaches haven't evolved in a long time, and their resistance to radiation will prevent them from catching up to the rats thanks to the radioactive fallout. And going by all the post-apocalyptic films, the mutants ALWAYS rise to take over the world from the "normals", so the rats have tradition going for them.

Second, we need to examine the threat each of these pose to the current species on top of our world, namely mankind. Cockroaches, while disgusting and prone to contaminating our food, don't exactly cause massive losses among mankind. Rats, now... not counting the fact rat packs have bitten several people to death before (mostly infants and the disabled, but it's more than cockroaches have accomplished), they've killed MILLIONS with the Black Plague, the hantavirus, and all the other fun biological warfare agents they cheerfully carry around with them. When every cockroach in existance is gasping for breath or having their carpaces melt off thanks to some virus the rats have, they won't be doing much to take over the world. When the chief species of the world fears you so much as to cultivate CATS as pets simply to have something around to control you (you know THAT must have been an act of desperation), you have to be a bunch of serious bada**es.

Finally, rats are infamous for hoarding things, such that the term "pack rat" is applied to those humans who do the same. If the diseases and their special mutant abilities don't finish off the cockroaches completely, the rats can easily whip out those AK-47s and ammo they cached a while back and wipe out the suckers (or if they prefer to be more subtle, just dole out cans of food to the starving remnants of humanity in exchange for stomping roaches). This mentality of "salvage everything" also gives them an early advantage in the post-apocalypse; everybody else has to learn this to survive, but rats already have it down to an art!

Bottom line, the rats, being mutant disease-carrying survival freaks who horde everything, are practically tailor-made to thrive in the remnants of civilization. Faced off with a bunch of pathetic bugs, it's pretty obvious that once again the mice will prove fur and warm blood will always win out over antenna and six legs in the fight for dominance of the planet.

- "Mad Dog" Mike (besides, rats are cuter; always fear the cute...)


The rats are destined to win this match because of the simple fact that they own the planet.

As anyone who has ever read Douglas Adam's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" knows, mice (and probably rats with them) had the earth specially constructed as a giagantic supercomputer designed to figure out the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything, which is the biggest game of cosmic jeopardy ever because in this case, the answer is known, and it is in fact 42. Obviously, while this computer worked for 4.3 million years without a glitch, it just couldn't take the switch over from 1999 to 2000, and subsequently crashed, destroying all life on the planet, except the mice and rats who paid for the computer and the roaches who are just here for the fun of it.

The rats will subsequently load all the cockroaches into a ship powered by the infininte improbability drive and send it on a one way trip to nowhere.

- Corfy


The rats have long ago been taught the skills they'll need to deal with the roach menace. Consider the role models they've had.
From Mickey Mouse, they've learned the basics of etiquette, social hierarchy, and the maintenace of an world-wide evil empire.
From Minnie Mouse, they've learned how to use feminine wiles to their advantage.
From Stuart Little, they've learned the importance of family.
From Pinky, they've learned how to be spontaneous.
From The Brain, they've learned how to be calculating and ruthless.
From Mighty Mouse, they've learned the benefits of brawn.
From Speedy Gonzalez, they've learned the benefits of speed.
From Jerry (of Tom & Jerry), they've learned how to be violent
From Itchy (of Itchy & Scratchy), they've learned how to be really, *REALLY* violent!

Clearly, the rats will be the new rulers of Earth. And, unfortunately, their achievements will probably outstrip those of humanity. I, for one, hail our new rodent overlords!

- 1/2 Nelson


I survived Y2K! And all my stockpiled ramen noodles are worthless now! :(

On a sadder note, the mental board has declared me "sane." Until I can disprove the ruling, I must not be referred to as a "Mental Hospital Escapee." So for now, I am only "Devin."

Anyways, let's review the facts here.

A.) I live in Illinois. I see roaches all the time. I never, EEEEEEEEVER see rats. I see roaches all the time. Point? Rats are SNEAKY! They can hide from the roaches.

B.) Rats can step on the roaches. They are WAAAAAAAY bigger.

C.) It takes one rat one bite to kill a roach. It takes several roaches several minutes to kill a roach.

D.) If roaches can survive so well, then why does one quick stomp kill them.

E.) DIE BRENDAN DIE!

F.) Did I mention rats are SNEAKY?

G.) I'm certified as insane again. YAY!!!!

- Devin The Newly Insane Mental Hospital Escapee


At first, the roaches thought they had won a mighty victory. After a short period of sporadic fighting, the rats retreated all the way to the Lake Michigan waterfront, holing up in the warehouse district. Flushed with victory and victimized by their own complacency, they were too busy breedin' to worry about what the rats are up to. All this time, Field Marshal Chuck E. Cheese (c'mon, like he's not actually a rat) was preparing a sequel to the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. He focused all his energies on the task at hand, burning the midnight oil devising battle plans, boldly traveling through miles of sewer pipe to meet with important allies. Marshal Cheese was Gunny Hartman-tough on his troops, but he also exhorted them to "eat, breed and be merry, for on 14 February we kick some cucaracha carapace!"

Sure enough, at dawn on Valentine's Day three mighty armies erupted onto the scene, using the advantage of surprise to press home a brutal attack and break the back of the roach empire. From the waterfront warehouses in the East came billions of sewer rats, some the size of Labradors, clad in combat boots taken from Great Lakes Naval Base, stomping every roach that moved. From the West came the rumble of trucks, thousands of snowplows driven by Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, or CHUD's. From everywhere, out of storm drains on every side and in the midst of the roach lines, the Giant Albino Sewer Alligators of urban legend burst forth, several dog-sized guerrilla strike rats on the back of each, crushing roaches by the thousands. Casualties on both sides were heavy, but soon the plows were sweeping the last of the roach army into Lake Michigan. Since the lake near Chicago never actually freezes, but only thickens, the port resembled a gargantuan serving of some gelatin dessert from one of those creepy insect cookbooks. But with the first blush of Spring, the currents returned and swept the copious collection of cockroach carcasses over to Gary, Indiana, where nobody would have noticed even if they'd been alive to see it.

And so it was that The City of Big Shoulders became The City of Pink Tails. Field Marshall Cheese became the benevolent ruler of the new city-state, a rodentia utopia where you needed a license to carry concealed De-Con, mothers loved their children, there wasn't a cockroach in sight, and all was peace...

That is, until the rotund rat restaurateur got the urge to be a conqueror...but that's another story...

- Mr. Silverback-This match was more disgusting than Bill Clinton in a G-string.


Well, since we're all dead and it's the year 19100 (as apparent by the copyright notice at the bottom left of the main page) does it really matter if the rats or cockroackes take over? I don't think I (or my corpse) care which is nibbling on my rapidly cooling innards, I'm DEAD... and I never got to fondle Brittney Spears... (oops, did I say that out loud?).

- RITH


I'm sorry but I've gotta side with the roaches on this one. I'm sure we're all aware that the rats have a massive size advantage as well as individual strength but we're all missing two major points. First, Roaches have been around forever, we're talking since the dinosaurs man. If a big t-rex can't put them out of their misery then a bunch of pussy rats surely won't be able to.

Secondly, Roaches multiply faster than rabbits! By the time a rat takes out 10 roaches 100 more roaches will be born and be ready to kick some ass. Also, roaches can hide in sinks, drains, soda cans, whatever and jump out in mass numbers to kick some rat ass. Also keep in mind that historically roaches become mutant freaks in the presence of radiation and can grow to 100x their normal size, easily crushing the rats. Hands down, roaches win.

- Mike from New York


I think Cockroaches have the advantage here, and I'll tell you why. One of the alarming and terrifying aspects of life on Earth is that food is getting more and more scarce. As we humans consume more and more of the available vittles, it leaves that much left for the rest of the creepy crawlies. Especially rats. They've made their living by surviving on the scrapes and refuse of our tables, but eventually that will run out. That means no more din-din for the rats. But what the hell do cockroaches eat? I've never seen one eat a damn thing! I have a feeling that they don't need to eat, deriving their energy from another source we are as of yet too feeble to understand; hell, they've been around billions of years. Perhaps they have managed to figure out that pesky "Cold Fusion" thing that we are too dense to master. But anyway, the point is this: Food is running out, and the rats are going to starve before they are able to overcome the paralyzingly large amount of cockroaches.

- Adam B.


The Roaches have this one in the bag. Why? Its simple.

The Roaches have have friends in high places...namely, Milquetoast the Roach from the legendary comic strip, Bloom County. This guy was indestructable. He has been squished by just about every character in the series, and still kept on coming back. And he voted Republican.

The Rats, on the other hand, have no friends. Nobody likes a rat. For Christ's sake, people, they started the Plague! A friend of mine had a pet rat, once. This particular rat would constantly piss on my arm and bite me. From this rat, we can see where the phrase "Rat Bastard" comes from.

Very simply put, all roaches are indestructable Republicans, and all rats are bastards.

Vote Milquetoast 2000!

- Brian C. Strock, esq


Whoa. You're telling me that Chicago wasn't already run by vermin?

- Mat Morgan, Unemployed, Seattle WA. Rhinomat93@aol.com


THE FINAL WORD...™

The Final Word

The rats take this one. I've been calling Chicago "A Stinking Rat Hole" for years.

- Weird Uncle Dave


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas
Tarzan v. Aquaman
Mad Max v. Snake Plissken


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Next match: CI Host gets what they deserve. But do we deserve it?
ETA:Wednesday, Jan 26, 1999

© 1999-19100, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC