NASA officials have decided that the mission's priority is the discovery of any life on the red planet. Due to the limited amount of testing that can be done during the mission itself, the mission plans to capture any lifeforms that are found, and to return them back to Earth for further study.
The last minute crew changes reflect this philosophy, and have boosted many experts' evaluations of the success of this mission. The first two new members are noted wildlife expert Marlin Perkins and his assistant, Jim Fowler, both known best from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom (tm). These animal biologists have earned a first rate reputation from their experience in Africa.
The second two new crew members add an international flair to the mission. Jacques-Yves Cousteau and his son/assistant Phillippe, noted experts in marine biology and strange oceanic life forms, will also be onboard to try and collect specimens for future analysis.
There is an intense competitive rivalry between the two groups, which NASA hopes will motivate the mission specialists to perform at their best. Vegas oddsmakers are already taking bets as to who will succeed in capturing alien life first.
So Brian, will Marlin or Jacques be the first to bag an alien?
But more important than this is the simple fact that Cousteau is french. When's the last time the French did anything technologically significant? Other than Pasteurization (tm), what have they given the world aside from fine wine and a place to park your military for a few years? Their scientific ineptitude has been further demonstrated recently by their decision to start nuclear testing once again. Anyone who feels that they still need to prove that nuclear weapons are destructive is obviously too stupid to be allowed to play with them. So in an effort to re-invent the wheel, a nation led by an obscure Warner Brothers (tm) cartoon character decides to alienate the entire world. I think "morons" is too kind a word here.
Perkins, on the other hand, is American. In the spirit of Neil Armstrong, Charles Lindburg, and Arvydas Sabonis, he is a true Trail Blazer (tm).
Oh, there is one other thing that the French are known for, but that could also seriously hurt Cousteau's chances. In the event that the first life-form encountered is Sharon Stone or one of those three-breasted women, I don't think Cousteau would be too quick to report it, if you know what I mean. Meanwhile, Marlin can find some suitable muppet looking fuzzball and be on the front page of every paper on Earth.
STEVE: Marlin is so far out of his league in this one that's it's not even funny. If it doesn't have four legs, he won't know what it is. All you ever see him catch are lions, tigers, elephants, and zebras. He's a one-trick pony, and his trick isn't likely to be found on Mars. Marlin and Jim will probably spend their time joyriding on the Martian surface in their land rover with a hunting rifle looking for big game. Of course, they're not going to find any. Cousteau on the other hand, recognizes bizarre lifeforms all the time, which is exactly what one would expect to find in this situation. "Et voila! A featureless blob! Parfait!" It'll probably take him all of 5 minutes to find something.
Another important factor is the Martian atmosphere. Last time that I checked (this was pre-Total Recall), you're going to need a spacesuit to breathe on Mars. Cousteau is a natural for working in this environment. He's used to Scuba gear, and diving bells, etc. But Marlin's idea of breathing equipment is a medicated inhaler to help his emphysema from years of smoking.
Finally, have you noticed that Jacques sun-wrinkled physique looks remarkably like the martians from Mars Attacks? And if he were to wear a nice glass helmet and a cape, he would look even more so. Finally, his choppy franglais could easily be mistaken for the Martian's native language. If Jacques encounters any of these aliens, he will probably be accepted into their community. It is then a simple matter to bring a lifeform back to Earth, or alternatively, blow up the Earth (it blocks their view of Venus).
No matter how you look at it, Marlin is going to wish he stayed in the life insurance business.
BRIAN: No zebras on Mars? Thanks for the newsflash, Steve. But I'm afraid you fabricate any possible faunal advantage for Jacques. You are wrong in your assertion that large herd animals are all Perkins ever finds. He also find birds, rodents, and, yes, even insects. Not only that, but many of the animals tracked are nocturnal. Clearly, Marlin and Jim will have the skills to find any animal, be it a large beast or a "featureless blob".
Cousteau, however, is completely unprepared. Like I said, there are no oceans on Mars, and he won't know how to look for anything other than a fish or squid or unmoving coral formation. True, if the only life form does turn out to be a featureless blob, then he may have a shot, given all the sea cucumbers he has probably tracked down. Big problem, though: if he does come across a featureless blob, he'll fry it up in a light champagne-basil batter and eat it, mistaking it for escargot or one of the many other featureless blobs that the French consider delicacies. Marlin, being American, knows what's food and what isn't, and will present the find to the NASA cameras.
And I shouldn't need to point this out, but Cousteau will have no supposed scuba/space suit advantage. When's the last time Cousteau ever went down in the water to go after the Bizarre Ocean Freak of the Month (tm)? He never does! He always sends his son down to battle the beast, while he stays safely in the boat, "making sure the croissants do not get too well done" (tm, Richard Jeni). If he ever saw an actual alien, he'd probably pee in said space suit.
Finally, it's pretty clear that ol' Marlin will have a few tricks up his sleeve. First of all, just look at him. Try to tell me this guy won't have a Slim Whitman (tm) album wherever he goes. Thus, if he does ever run across those Mars Attacks! martians, he will be adequately protected. There's even a good chance that music would explode Cousteau's head, nevermind the aliens. Second, Marlin will bring along a cat and release it near Jacques's stranded boat. One would suspect that Jacques would grab the cat, present it to the press, become a laughing stock and then get kicked off the mission team. But Marlin would be one step ahead of you. For he has brought a black cat and painted a white stripe down it's back. Thus, Cousteau reacts as any French person would upon seeing such a sight ("Zut Alors! Un martienne polecat de skunk pew!") and cower in the space ship, allowing Perkins to finish the mission at his leisure.
STEVE: Brian, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks. You accuse Cousteau of never doing his own work? I admit Cousteau doesn't actually dive as much as he used to. But Jacques exudes pure experience, and his merely being topside insures a successful dive. However, Marlin is far, far worse in this category than Jacques. An example: "We watch now as Jim wrestles the crazed cheetah to the ground. Those claws are razor sharp! Oh, it looks as if another cheetah has come to help it's troubled friend. It's a good thing Jim is covered by a Mutual of Omaha life insurance policy." Marlin, of course, won't lift a finger to help him out. That is, if he's even on the scene. He usually just watches Jim's escapades from the comfort of his elegant mahogany-paneled office in Nebraska, taking credit for Jim's work.
And your Slim Whitman remarks show your ignorance of the situation. Do you think Slim Whitman is going to bother someone with the musical heritage of Jacques? It's nothing compared to the music coming from his native land of France. Compare it to a stirring rendition of Alouette played on an accordion. Or to that Euro-trash music (not to be confused with Euro-Sealer(tm) or Euro-Can(tm)) that seems to flow forth from western Europe in neverending quantities.
No, I think you seriously underestimate our friend Jacques -- for he will have a surprise as well. He will take off his red cap and put on a tall white chef's hat. He will then begin to create a fine five course meal in the tradition of the finest restaurants of France. The smell of the cuisine will quickly waft through the thin Martian atmosphere. Any living creature within 100 miles will be drawn to the delicious aroma of his cooking. Then it's just a matter of the lifeform coming to the food. As soon as it eats a piece of that nasty French runny cheese, it will pass out from the horrible taste, and it will be a simple matter for Jacques to put it in a net and ship it back to Earth.
Thanks to Chris Benjamin for suggesting this match
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Jacques, though not perfect, was more like Ronald McDonald. Annoying, condescending, arrogant towards his employees, but at least he would actually touch the crap he was trying to sell you. Jacques would half-heartedly poke the octopus that young Pierre pulled up on deck every episode. It's not much but it puts him out in front.
- Whit Fisher
This is in comparison to Jacques incompetant son. Jacques has a team to prevent Phillipe from ever having to do anything. Recall this classic line from the Undersea World, "Here eez my valont team, scouring zee bottom of zee cee vit dere bare handz. Back here on zee surface in zee boat my son phillipe layz in hiz own vomit after a drunken binge brought on by my disgust wit heem." Here on Mars, Phillipe is on his own, alone, scared, drunk.
After he finds life, Jim will have to go find Phillipe.
Victory Jim, and therefore, Marlin.
- ralph von williams-llama
Verdict: A surprise victory by Quincy, redeeming Jack Klugman from his earlier pathetic showing at the Academy Awards.
- Adam B.
1. Nationality: Jacques is French, but he's an ENVIRONMENTALIST Frenchman (tm). This rules out all French nuclear bomb arguments. However, he's probably a bit sneaky and will put sleeping gas in Marlin's oxygen container. Marlin is from the USA(tm). He'll probably squash any new life forms under the wheels of his Range Rover (tm). Marlin 0 Jacques 1.
2. Likely lifeform type: It is almost certainly small, microscopic. Jacques is experienced with plankton. Marlin is experienced with elephants. Which is smaller? I forget, so Marlin wins this round. Jacques 1 Marlin 1.
3. Terrain: Marlin knows deserts, Jacques knows oceans. However, Jacques explores oceans in minature space suits, while marlin explores deserts in, well, not in a space suit. Both will be uncomfortable, but Mars (tm) is IN space, which is more like an ocean, so I'll give this one to Jacques.
4. Crowd support: This trip to Mars(tm) will probably be shown live on TV. I live in Australia, and I've never heard of Marlin before today. However, I've known about Jacques for years. The USA(tm) will cheer for Marlin, but the rest of the world will cheer for Jacques (particularly the Africans, as a revenge(tm) thing). Advantage: Jacques.
Jacques 3, Marlin 1. Not only is this a clear win for Jacques, but because of the aformentioned sleeping gas trick that Jacques will pull, Marlin will never even have a chance.
Unfortunately, the now celebrity inhabitants of Mars, will be assissinated by a multi-corporation hit squad on their return to Earth after they fail (limited as they are by their minute size) to sign over the mineral rights to their planet.
Jacques and Marlin both get wasted by the stereotypical religious extremists. Either that or they make an ill considered stop for supplies on Mir. Regardless, an act of fate leaves both of the explorers...dead. Go figure.
Yes, there was a secret second mission planned. Yes, the Japanese probably own it. No, Jodie Foster doesn't get to go. This isn't Hollywood, but the nitty gritty world where, despite the propaganda one hears on the television, women don't get the opportunities men do. Jodie Foster is pissed once again, asking her timeless question, "Who gets to go?"
The Crocodile Hunter. Have you seen this raving lunatic? What man eating beasts did Jaques and Marlin take down with their bare hands?? If there's life on Mars to be brought back, this boy is stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to pull it off.
Heck, I'd even feel sorry for the aliens.
- The Edge
Plus Cousteau has a record of collaborating with some pretty major, even legendary, scientists and engineers. He had his underwater strobe lights, his motion-sensitive cameras, his radar before anybody else except the Defense Department and the CIA. Perkins worked for an insurance company. The video cameras were ok, but how much technology do you need to find an elephant?
And Cousteau really had to worry about the weather on the ocean. Now, Mars has those amazing sandstorms that cover a lot of area and last a long time. Cousteau would take 'em seriously and get the hell out of Dodge; Marlin and Jim would get caught outside by one and be uncovered by an archaeological team 500 years from now under 50 feet of sand.
In addition, Cousteau is accustomed to working in the water. It follows, then, that he would be well-aquainted with towels, using them quite frequently. In fact, he probably carries one with him wherever he goes. As Douglas Adams could tell you, a towel is an invaluable tool in space travel; he does not advise beginning such a journey without one. Perkins, however, would leave his towels at home, underestimating their importance.
Let's face it--Cousteau is much better prepared to venture to Mars. He wins by virtue of the Boy Scout(tm) factor.
- Longfellow's wench
- Joe Klemm
Plus, Jim Fowler would have Phillipe calling him Mama in a New York minute.
Unfortunately things are not so rosy for "le francophone", except for the wine perhaps. Jacque is an intrepid explorer but also an ardent conservationist and enviornmentalist, therefore he will adhere to the idea that everything is best left in its natural enviornment. ie "no bagging and tagging" Even the largest government grant won't persuade this man's principles to be swayed. The publicity of the find won't sway him either, he already has the adulation and admiration of thousands around the world.
This is a no-brainer, Marlin through the work of trusty assistant Jim. Poor Jacque is left out in the cold (or hot depending on the planet's rotation
- Holly Haines, http://www.hollyhaines.com/
- Meg Brown
So, the question remains, which kind are on Mars? It won't matter. A fellow named Dr. Smith will stow away, wanting to go along, and accidentally send the spaceship way off course, until it lands on some unchartered planet. Strange aliens who thin k both would be good food (well, think all 3 would be) come along and chase them all around. However, Jacques, without the experience of having animals try to turn him into their dinner, will perish, while Marlin, who has evaded those huge lions, etc. wi th the ferocious appetites, eludes them. Of course, as long as Dr. Smith is around, he'll never made it back home, but he will win by default.
- Doug Fowler
Jacques, on the other hand, has both PBS and the National Geographic Society behind him. If PBS can blow more than $10 mil on an 18-hour history of baseball, Prekins is already outclassed by a factor of ten. Let's not forget corporate sponsorships. Through PBS, Jacques will have ADM (Supermarket to the World), Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Rockwell International, the Pew Charitable Trusts and viewers like you behind him. As for National Geographic, they're one of the largest membership organizations in America. Sure, Jacques is French. But with National Geographic, he'll have the American people behind him. And when was the last time America backed a loser? What's Perkins got? Nebraska?
Like Chuck Yeager never figured out in The Right Stuff, whoever has the bucks gets the toys. It takes them toys to get to Mars. Jacques will ride in style, with Bill Moyers along for conversation and Ken Burns filming every moment. Perkins, I'm sad to say, will be lucky if he can hitch a ride to Mir.
- R S Rogers
- Jaques-Yves Somethingorother
So let's look at things. Neither of them can deal with it alone, but they might manage by pooling their resources. Alas, they are both from countries full of arrogant dipsticks, and will be too stubborn to do so. Therefore, the answer is to wipe out the competition and use his resources to deal with the aliens. Unfortunately for Jacques, he forgot to bring a gun, whereas our intrepid explorer of the African unknown is generally pretty well armed. A quick "accidental discharge" later, and Marlin Perkins now has access to everything he needs to bag a pesky alien. And of course, he will actually survive his run in with the little green men, as the third law of sci-fi states that there must always be at least one survivor no matter how lethal the aliens are.
- Vlad the Impailer
"OK, boys, we can either take crotchety old man #1, crotchety old man #2, or JOAN EMBRY from the San Diego Zoo!!!"
"Are you sure, guys? You of course know that the hybrid odor of Ben-Gay and Depends adult diapers has been known to increase the longevity of Oxygen supplies due to all breathing organisms within 100 meters having to hold their breath..."
"Sir, do you want to listen to endless stories about the Indian Ocean
and how lazy "kids today" are? We'll be jumping out of the airlock
before we pass the Moon!!!"
"Yeah!! Besides, Joan has breasts!"
".....Good point, boys."
- Rokit 88
So it's easy to see who wins. Traveling along the surface of Mars, Jacques will discover life after a couple of months--and convince it to go scuba-diving, no less--while poor Marlin Perkins will shatter in a rain of icy shards when he trips over a rock w ith a cutesy name like "Brainy Smurf".
- Chris Bird
To Infinity and around the corner.
- Jonny Rico
- Cornboy, Texas A&M University
The second reason is a little more technical. Mars at one time many millions of years ago actually did have oceans. There is tons of evidence of huge planet wide floods. What this means is that Jack will definately be closer to his element. Although he's a few millions years late he will know what he's lookin' at. . .ocean floor.
Result: French team, lead by Jack, is shown pointing to an ancient fossilized microscopic blob from Mars while the American team led by David Hasselhoff lands on Pluto and begins an intergalactic relationship with the Kzer-Za leading to the anniliation of all human kind.
- Paul Rulis
- Bret Bloomquist
To be fair, nobody likes the French, except maybe Poland, they're universally hated, I don't know a single person in the cinema who didn't laugh at the Eiffel Tower being blown up in "Mars Attacks". If "Independance Day" wasn't Obviouslly so pro-American ("The Americans can bring down the shield, can they do that, by golly") It would have the entire Alien Fleet attack France at the out-set, even Aliens hate the French...
As a Brit, I can't stand the French as much as most, I'd rather hang round the Germans who we've fought in two world wars and continually beat us at football (B*******). However I Voted for the Frog so at least one person votes for him. After all, at least the French don't turn up four years late to wars and take all the credit.
Order now, and get "Wacky Babies" absolutely free and at no extra cost!
- Jak the Duck
- Megan from RI
- The Silent One
No, Jacques won't win by asphyxiating Marlin with his stench. He'll win by mutation.
There won't be any life on Mars when they arrive -- that meteorite was over three *billion* years old -- but that will change. Mars' atmosphere filters virtually no solar radiation. One little microbe carried on Jacques' crusty hide will get hit by a gamma ray, and begin changing ...
Nobody will know this as the explorers dejectedly return to Earth with empty nets. The only warning sign will come during reentry, as Jacques clutches his stomach. He and Marlin assume it's the last of the tinned escargot, until something bursts through his abdomen and -- well, you've seen the movie.
The creature is technically native to Mars, and Jacques does bring it back, so victory goes to Cousteau. Granted, most of Earth's population is eviscerated by the beast and its progeny, but you weren't really concerned about them, now were you?
- Call me Shane
"Ze must beautiful creetures of ze alien wurld are often ze most deadly."
- jimmy b.
- Bobo The Poison Monkey
> Perkins, on the other hand, is American. In the spirit of
> Neil Armstrong, Charles Lindburg, and Arvydas Sabonis;
Well, I'm sorry, but then Jacques is French; in the spirit of Blaise Pascal, Rene Descartes, Louis Cauchy, Louis Bleriot, les freres Lumiere, Louis Pasteur, Pierre et Marie Curie...!! Brian might have to re read the Physics Nobel Price list, if he thinks french haven't done much for science. And next time you go see a hollywood movie about Mars, ask yourself who invented the Cinema!
> In the event that the first life-form encountered is
> Sharon Stone or one of those three-breasted women,
> I don't think Cousteau would be too quick to report it,
> if you know what I mean.
Yeah, as if americans could give lessons on this topic, nowadays! If Marlin found a life form, it better have no mouth, or the discovery might remain hidden a couple years under the President's table, if you know what I mean! ;-)
Things look bad for the Cousteau team when Philippe, in an unintentional and tragic replay of history, smashes his MGC into Olympus Mons.
When Fowler, Cousteau and a truly reluctant Perkins arrive at the scene, Jacques dutifully mourns the loss of his son but sees an opportunity and takes Fowler aside and tempts him away from Marlin with the prize of a full hour in prime time and full National Geographic funding. The two convince Perkins that the polar cap is the place to go and, using Cousteau's expertise in developing exploration gear, the three devise an ultra-heated environment suit for Jim to use while exploring the crevasses of the polar ice.
Sensing Perkins' sulking discontent, the cagey Frenchman exhibits some of the talent that won him his Legion D'Honour and orders NASA to send a lab animal to their location. Warner Brothers Studios (you opened the door Brian) is consulted for rapid delivery purposes.
Soon after sending the request, an animated shuttle arrives with none other than Bugs Bunny aboard. Not hindered by the laws of physics (he never studied law) Bugs proceeds to mistake the name Marlin for Marvin and wreaks Bunny Fu upon the hapless Perkins as Fowler and Cousteau retreive the first delicate sample of extra-terrestrial life; a Martian Ice Snail.
Back at the Lander(tm), Cousteau and Fowler enjoy the Kudos from the scientific community via satellite as they dine on Escargot Polaris Martianus (hey, so they harvested more than one sample!)
Marlin Perkins OTOH returns to the Lander somewhat the worse for wear, mumbling about Scwewy Martian Wabbits. Upon return to Earth he publishes a paper on his encounter and retires in disgrace.
Cousteau off the mountain, past the canal, over the pole... nuthin' but net.
- Les "Now it's in YOUR head"
When it comes to dead men walking and exploring distant worlds, experience is an unbeatable edge. Poor Jacques is in over his head.
- the baron
The small lander from the Mars Conestoga touchs the ruddy ground, and four spacesuited figures emerge from it.
"My! Wasn't the ride down exciting!" Marlin explains.
"Oui, oui," Jacques agrees. "Eet was most ex-hil-air-ate-eeng. Ooh, now, see the byooteful landscape, the magneefeecent desolation. Thees ees ze land of Mars, Greek God of War, yet mankind have come heere een peace...."
[Round one: Cousteau 1, Perkins 0. Nobody can give a soliliquy like Jacques.]
They go their separate ways, Marlin and Jim taking a rover north while Jacques and Phillippe travel around Candor Chasma. Let's go take a look at their first encounter with the vicious Martian alligator wolf, already in progress....
Marlin and Jim ride in the rover, looking out accross the landscape. They stop and go over to examine some tracks. Let's listen to Marlin's commentary:
"We're going accross the plains now! It's quite a sight, but it looks dead! But all is not as it looks on the Martian landscape!"
Jim: "Uh, Marlin, don't say things like that, you're scaring me."
"Why, look what our expedition has found!" He stops the rover, and both of them step out and walk over to the tracks. "We've found tracks! Large ones, as well! Jim is measuring the tracks, and with the expedition's computer we will try to determine just how big this animal is!"
Jim looks at the computer's result, and clicks the safety off his rifle, looking around warilly and wishing he'd brought a LAW.
"So, Jim, how big is it?"
"It's big, Marlin."
With a shriek and a howl (and some sounds that maybe it's best not to explain) the Martian alligator wolf bounds over some rocks and tries pouncing Jim!
"We've found life on Mars! Jim is now trying to defend himself from the creature's vicious attacks! We seem to have been travelling in it's hunting ground! Jim attempts to wrestle a radio tag onto it -- don't worry, Jim, we've got Mutual of Omaha(tm) on our side! They'll cover the cost of a new leg! Jim looks like he's got his second wind, and now the animal and he are starin each other down... suddenly it poces again, but Jim's ready for it--!
Meanwhile, in Candor Chasma:
"See de byooteeful walls, etched ere untld millenia agoo... Phillippe,
"Oui, oui! Sacre bleu, est there no -water- ere!"
"I shall get ze wine from ze pack... Oh, stop ze carre!"
The rover stops, and the two oceanographers step out and look down at the alligator wolf's prints.
"Here ve have evidence' of life on Mars, ze first tracks zeen by Man. Here on ze ancient surface of ze planet."
The alligator wolf jumps out from behind a rock with a woof and a yowl (and still more noises that it's best you don't try to repeat for your eighty-year-old grandmother.)
Phillippe gasps, "Father! Est ze creature oo made zee tracks! I shall get ze gun--!"
"Non, Phillippe. Man shall come to zis planet vith rezpect for ze native life... Ve vill not come to rape an pillage zis wolrd as ve did ze Moth-air Earth. Ere we see before us... a creature of zee Martian land, living until now vith no fear of hu-man-et-ie...."
[Round Two: Cousteau 1, Perkins 1. Marlin perkins could give an exciting play-by-play recount of anything. He might even be good enough for WWWF, but that's for when -- and if -- he returns to Earth.]
IN all, the alligator wolf is lulled to sleep by Cousteaus' talking, and the French put it ito a special cage 'based on ze world-famouse aqualung' which, of course, Cousteau invented, and bring their prize back to Earth. Marlin and Jim have to settle for radiotagging their alligator wolf.
In all, Cousteau 2 Perkins 1. Cousteau wins by a hair and goes on to make another full season of National Geographic specials, while Perkins and Jim continue to try to capture a live animal from Mars.
Now for those who don't know, Opus is the ultimate wimp. He wanted the United States to surrender to the Communists. He's so naive that he thought Greenpeace was a cruise line service. He played a tuba in heavy metal group for goodness sake. The bird is not only a wimp, he is the ARCHWIMP(tm). And for him to think of Marlin Perkins as a hero makes Mr. Perkins a wimp by association. A Wimp Hero(tm) perhaps, but still a wimp.
- Paul Golba
- Mark Smith, Whitehorse, Yukon (Canada)
- Kilgore Trout
"Who have y'all brought before me today, Captain Zleeg?"
"Those who you knew were coming, O Swivel-hipped One. They landed at the monument we carved to you, just as you predicted they would. The capture was child's play; the Frenchmen surrendered on sight, and the American's tranquilizer rifles were no defense against the karate moves you taught us. Private Zerhj is still a little groggy from that one dart, but he should be just fine."
"Very Good Captain. Thanka, thanka veramuch. Ah don't know why NASA thought they could violate our deal", Elvis drawled, turning his gaze to the imprisoned explorers. "And worst of all, they send some gutless frogs up here, like you American boys needed t he help! But I'll tell you what, I'm willing to be nice about this, since I liked y'all's TV shows. Here's the deal Ahm willin' to give y'all…"
So here are the results…In a few months you will see a new chain of "Jungle Room" fast food restaurants spring up all over the U.S. and France, featuring a menu of the King's favorite delicacies (such as beer-marinated hog jowls dipped in white chocolate) , rendered fat and cholesterol free by advanced Martian technology. Conspiracy theorists will point out the fact that the upper management of the company is secret, and believe it to be a UN plot to soften us up for world domination, but the undiscovered reality (that two supposedly dead celebrity explorers are running it from a secret command center in Jackson Hole) is even more shocking. NASA sends no more secret collection missions to Mars, since Elvis told them that it's not his fault that they let Ro seanne Barr escape, and they can't have any more specimens. Also, If you analyze any radio or TV transmission involving the Spice Girls, you'll find that it contains a strange piggyback signal. This signal prevents Martian electronic devices from processi ng the information; thereby stopping the epidemic of Spice Girl induced psychosis among Martians who accidentally tuned in at the wrong time, which is why Elvis deported them to Earth in the first place. Elvis ain't taking them back, but if NASA wants to send Dennis Rodman back, that's OK, he makes great pork rind and chicken fried steak casserole.
- Silverback- Rambette's Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love
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