And the political rally continues...
U.S.A. vs. Canada Responses, Da Second Term
Kilgore Trout once said in the Charlie Brown & Snoopy vs Wallace & Gromit match that:
.....this is a very subversive plot to recreate the American Revolution so the British win. Instead of George Washington, you've got a monkey. Instead of freedom from oppression...... you have a paltry monetary reward. By watering down the fight, you want to see a largely American audience vote themselves as losers in this sick little game. Hands up, who did it? Dollars to donuts one of you Canadian bastards did it. - Kilgore Trout
Keith, confused emperor of Penguins, also said in the Letterman vs Leno match that:
Normally I base who I vote for off of which commentator I like better, and now you've got a Canadian vs. a French guy. You bastards. - Keith, confused Emperor of Penguins
Canadian Bastards, huh? My Name is Eric and I AM CANADIAN, dammit. I submit that our dear Kilgore Trout and this so-called emperor are the actual brainchild of this match. Jordan Clark and Niall Fitzgerald? Nothing More than mere aliases. This match is purely an effort to spearhead a total annihilation of my proud country that I reside in. Seriously, how else to deal with all the anger that Canada has won the honour of the "Best Country to live in" ahead of the United States (this year being the exception)? What about the theory that several Americans (Kilgore and Keith included) that Canada was behind the Independance Day Invasion of 1996, given that no Canadian City was ever destroyed of scratched? How about the accusations that Canada has been trying to brainwash all Americans by producing such crappy shows as "Ewoks", "Droids", "Second City Television", and producing such seductive singers as Celine Dion, Shania Twain, and Alanis Morrisette. Yes, Kilgore and Keith are behind this no doubt about it. They must be stopped, NOW!!! Let's just hope my CSIS pals get rid of this threat before this Grudge Match reaches its final, and very messy conclusion. If this gets a Grudgie, then my efforts to contain this threat were not in vain........
- Tahna Los, B.A. in Conspiracy Theory.
What can I say? I like my homemade apple pie with bagged milk...
- Mr. Potato Head
Ugh, this is getting out of hand! If I don't step in with some objectivity, this is likely to go the way of the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Comedy: North of 49, we have the Montreal International Comedy Festival, "Just For Laughs." Off the top of my head, I can name Alan Thicke (Canadian), Mike MacDonald (Canadian), Bowser and Blue (Canadian), and Glen Foster (Canadian). The only American I can recall is Richard Jeni, and while he is entertaining, he can't match the all-mighty Mike MacDonald.
Against the Soviets: The Americans waged a Cold War with the "Red Menace." Canada just waged an 8-game hockey series in '72, which we won. Any Canadian can tell you where he was when Henderson scored. Can 7 USA 2
I could go on, but it would just be so terribly one-sided it wouldn't be pretty. It reminds of TMNT vs. MMPR.
- My name is D-kun, and I! AM! CANADIAN!
My cousin who resides in Ontario, Canada told this story the last time he visited the states: A recent hot topic in Canada was that of allowing woman to serve on submarines. Apparantly it was an issue of debate for awhile and then eventually it was passed. Then there was talk of making accomadations on the submarines for the female officers. Only problem is Canada doesn't own any submarines. Any country that would waste it's time on a useless topic like this, or any country that does not own a submarine for that matter, would stand no chance against the most powerful nation in the world: The good ole US of A!
This will be the "Grudge Match That Never Ended". Here's why...
A few hours before voting concludes, projections from exit polling will have the U.S. winning. However, some late returns from Manitoba will give Canada a slight edge over the U.S. and Canada declares victory. Voter News Service goes into cardiac infarction wondering what went wrong. The U.S. will demand a recount. That takes place and the U.S. wins. Canada will demand a 2nd recount, this time Canada wins.
The U.S. will blame the voting page on the Grudge Match site as being too confusing and demand a paper recount. Al Gore arrives to take over the situation. A Canal+ news team in Montreal videotapes several loose chads on the floor of the Gore room. Then a CNN camera films Canadian X-Man Wolverine's claws covered in loose chads. Wolverine proceeds to eviscerate the entire CNN crew.
Three weeks later, after endless appeals and with no end in sight to the matchup, the contest winds up before the Jedi Council, the only impartial panel left in the Grudge-iverse. "Canada, the winner is," announces Yoda. Canada wins, but America bitterly concedes, claiming that because Episode I was filmed in another British commonwealth the ruling was biased. The angst is unleashed 3 months later when "South Park 2" opens in theaters, featuring the new hit song "Blame Australia!"
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight blames it on the rain... yeah yeah!
So, what do Canadians have to be proud of?
- Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
- The size of our footballs fields and one less down
- Baseball is Canadian
- Lacrosse is Canadian
- Hockey is Canadian
- Basketball is Canadian
- Apple pie is Canadian
- Mr. Dress-Up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
- Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
- In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back ... past their 'White House'. Then we burned it ... and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ... go figure ...
- Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
- We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
- Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
- The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.
- We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
- The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
- The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
- We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
- We don't marry our kin-folk.
- We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
- We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
- ...the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
Oh yeah ... and our elections only take one day.
- Morpheus www.morpheus101.iwarp.com
First of all, I would assume that everyone with weaponry would be involved. Every cop I know would be running over mounties with their Crown Vics. Secondly, everyone in the US would be too pissed to lose. They have to put up with canadian coins sneaking into the US and then not working the the vending machines! Third: Listen to the Patton speech. And did Jimi Hendrix ever play the Canadian National Anthem?
- Tom D
You guys don't know how close you are to the truth. Here, come closer a second... They're here already. They've started infiltrating. Here in Ann Arbor, just outside Detroit, it's hard to tell if you're still in the United States. When people drink beer, they drink Molson or Labatt. And I swear I've heard Detroiters say "aboot." And don't get me started on the hockey thing. Guard your doors! Watch your backs! The invasion is already... SHIT! RED ALERT! RED AL-- --NO CARRIER--
- Eric Snyder II
On the baseball shirt in the American picture did you notice "Atlanta" at a certain angle looks like "Alberta"? Interesting isn't it?
- Boba Foot
Personally, if Canada has infiltrated the Joe Louis arena in Detroit,
the battle is over. Red wing fans are very protective of thier
territory, and in place of octopi, the canucks will find themselves
being hurled on the ice by said fans during the Red Wing playoffs.
- The Netslayer
HotBranch! is canadian. I think that's all I have to say.
- Critterman, the almighty canadian, eh?
The USA has to win.
U.S. military morale is at an all-time high. Why? Army Chief of
Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki ordered new
hats for everyone for the expressed purpose of raising morale.
Not just new hats, mind you. New berets.
New black berets with a spiffy blue patch, as a matter
of fact! (Did you catch that? A blue patch!) Now THAT'S a
Sorry, Canada, you might as well go home. There's no way you can
beat a military wearing new black berets with blue patches.
- Mark "All I've got is a red, white, and blue propeller beanie" Wentz
Someone said that "Canadians Don't Make Good Terrorists".
Actually we are Terrorists. We make great artery-clogging-super-
fattening bacon and cheese.
All in an effort to incapacitate the Americans with the
dubious "Heart Attack".
So next time you are awaiting Heart Surgery, think about the Proud
Nation in the North who poisons you 24/7/365!!!
- Echo Boy
Look, Paul and John can argue all they want about such silly
factors as weather and government, but we know how unimportant they
are, eh? All that matters in Grudgematch is one thing -- does Canada
have the curse of the French or does it not?
Well,for advice on all things French, we must consult the Germans,
those experts on rolling the French into a pile of merde. According
to the great Prussian (and therefore German) king Frederick the
Great, the plays of Shakespeare were "ridiculous farces worthy of the
savages of Canada."
So according to an expert on giving the French whoop-a$$, Canada
cannot win. End of story.
- le monsiour (or however you spell it) schmuck de la allemagne
Everything we need to call the match is right here in the
What do we learn about Canadians? That they talk
funny. What do we find has already happenned? They've conquerred New
York, New England, and the Pacific Northwest.
And that's it. All
that we need to figure out that Canada will gain much territory in
this conflict, but won't be able to totaly defeat the US.
explain. Cannadians talk funny, and they've conquered areas where
people talk funny. The Pacific Northwest, where everyone talks either
like Bill and Ted(tm) ("Whoa, dude, like totaly excellent maple leaf,
man.") or in ComputerNerdese, (C://com/weareruledbybeavers.isp/gif),
New England, where nobody says the letter "r" (Pahk the cah in the
Hahvahd yahd), and New York. (Hay ro babety, meme su, ina su, ina
silawa hua la hutin burwati!) So Canadians are only able to win
against those who share their malady.
Based on this, I predict that
Canada, In future, while include Minnesota, (Oh ya, you bet, doncha
know) West Texas, (Hey boy, you done git that durn Beaver off mah
land!) and large areas of the Deep South. (Y'all gonna invade us now,
Sugar?) For the record, Louisianna is able to put up three seconds of
fighting, as they both talk funny and are French.
But, as most of
the rest of the country has no speech peculiarities, that's as far as
the canadians get. And now, not only are the tourists not able to
understand the citizens of Ottowa, but the citizens can't underatnd
Meanwhile, in what's left of America, the ACLU goes out
of business, having no one who's "different" to "protect."
was nuch rejoicing(tm)...
- Antidisestablishmentairianism, doncha know.
I'm voting for Canada simply because of that cute beaver in little
flag sweater. Now THAT's politics!
Well this one kept me up all night... not because it was a hard
decision, but because it seemed the US would beat Canada with little
difficulty and I really like Canada. The US' primary advantages are
- The US currently has a Republican President, so you can bet
that money will be thoughtfully redirected to the all-important
pointless war, as opposed to such silly budgets as "education"
- US military messages would be quicker and faster, as every line
would not be punctuated with "eh."
After a while, it seemed the US beat Canada completely, total
annihilation. Then, I suddenly realized something - the Bush
factor! As we've all seen, George W. Bush barely has the
intelligence to outsmart the 57 varieties of Heinz ketchup, much less
a military general. Add to that these other pros:
- A surprising amount of US soldiers would rebel, and join the
Canadian side. After all, who would want to wipe out the source of
Canadian bacon and 'The Kids in the Hall'?
- If the Mounties joined in, it would be a hands down victory -
mounties are completely indestructable, if Dudley Doright is any
- As before with the Vietnam war, people all over the country
would draft dodge into Canada... to be drafted into the Canadian army.
Take that, eh.
- Imaimashii Panku, email@example.com
Hmmm...there is only one way to decide the winner of this match.
With the American armed forces out of commission, the USA will need
to pull out their big guns. You know who I'm talking about, the
superheros. Let's get down to it.
On the American side:
Superman (fighting for Truth, Justice, and the American way),
the Justice League of America,
the Justice Society of America,
and just about every other hero you can think of.
On the Canadian side:
Don't know who "Alpha Flight" are? With names like Talisman, Box, and
Puck, you can tell that these guys are a bunch of Canadians.
Also, "the Flight" is made up of former enemies of the group and
original members. "A house divided cannot stand." I think that's
how the saying goes. No doubt they'll be spending their energy
arguing about their colored money. (Why is their money colored? As
far as I'm concerned, money should be one color: GREEN!)
Anyway, Superman can pretty much destroy them all. If not, the
Captain America and the rest will get the job done. Hell, you know
Supes is just going to take them all down.
It might've been a different story if Wolverine had stayed in
America (with or without Wolverine) in a one-shot from Marvel.
- Jason Relva, in the word of the Joker, "I maybe a criminal lunatic, but I'm an American criminal lunatic!"
If Canadians are so good at hockey, how come they didn't win at the
end of Mighty Ducks 2?
- Michaelagelo's David
Come on people. What's the point of prolonging the inevetiable. Canada will not win. Less people live thier lives in cyber world there. And I'm sure quite a few who do are serious hackers and not concerned with something this trivial. We in America, however, seem to be overly concerned with the trivial and underconcerned about the really important things. Example:
"Your father wants you at his deathbed"
"As soon as I put in a vote for America on Grudge match."
This is a no brainer. I don't think many Candians would say that.
They'd bring their dying father a beer.
Hmmm.... Who would win, the USA or Canada? How does one choose? As
a male in the death grip of his hormones, I will defer to the country
that has the hottest (and somewhat more morally flexible) women. In
this case, Canada wins in a walk. Two words: Pamela Anderson. Two
more words - Natasha Hestridge. Barb Wire and the chick from the
Species movies (both of whom I've seen naked, yeah, that's the
ticket). The Tommy Lee tapes show that Canadian women are obviously
superior to American women in the ways that count most; thus they are
better able to distract the men of the US armed forces while their
Canadian brethern, beefed up from a Bob and Doug Mackenzie diet of
back bacon and Labatts beer, wade over the border and Rush to Triumph
and victory. Looking at the women of the great white north, the US
males will find themselves suddenly and inexplicably unable to walk,
a defeat guarrenteed by conservative Republican's stubborn refusal to
allow homosexuals in the armed forces. Oh, the humanity!!
- Vomit Death
The Most Powerful Nation on Earth vs. any other nation?
I think the term we're looking for here is "foregone conclusion."
Cripes-- we had to willingly accept the negation of naval, air, and
missile SUPERIORITY just to pretend to approach a level playing
field. The US still has the most, best trained, and best equipped general armed forces in the world.
Regarding our winter skills, if you'll check your Winter Olympics
history, you'll observe that not only has the US earned more gold, silver, and bronze medals than Canada; the US is statistically more likely to win the winter gold than any other medal, and Canada is more
likely to win the silver or bronze. Which means the US is more
likely to place FIRST and Canada is more likely to come in SECOND or THIRD. In a war between the two countries, even if Canada comes in second, it loses. I won't even bring the Summer Olympics history into
the discussion because the disparity between US winners and Canadian
losers is downright alarming. Oh, and regarding the question of winter driving, I have two syllables for you: HUM and V.
Marines vs. Mounties?
Isn't that the same as John Rambo vs. Dudley Do-Right?
Or should I say Dudley Doo-Doo, which is what Canada will do when the
The Great American Melting Pot vs. A few French-Canadians and a
bunch of British Canadians. Aside from Never Bet on the White Guy, and Unless He's Jewish, the French-Canadians are clearly a weak link.
Besides, Canada will be too distracted dealing with The
Rage of American ecoterrorists, themselves pissed off at the blatant rodent abuse required to initiate Operation Beaver, to defend against American troops. This match is over, and over fast.
- Obscured Underlord, wistfully remembering a girl from British Columbia
The U.S. is like raging bull in a china shop. Sure, sure. You're strong, you've got lotsa power. Oh, you're so tough. Yada, yada, yada.
Canada however, prefers to lay low, observe, and strike with tact. We're more like a matador, ready and willing to take down the bull.
And there's more of us than you think. Actually, the battle is almost over before it's begun, seeing as we began our invasion decades ago via the entertainment and sports industries.
To name a few: Michael J. Fox, Dave Thomas (not the Wendy's guy), Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers (well, just _piles_ of people from SNL, which was put together by another Canadian: Lorne Michaels); and in sports we have the majority of the NHL. Maybe not teams, but lots of individuals.
Add on the fact that if the U.S. ever started to edge too close to victory, the rest of the world would join the fight and pummel the Americans back down into the Heart[Attack]Land, and you'll clearly see there's no way for the Americans to win.
To quote Canadian satirist Rick Mercer, from his rant "Impressions of Washington": "We're bigger than they are and we're on top. If we were in prison, they'd be out bitch."
Canada wins over U.S., pure and simple.
- Rhodin, the Crazed Canuck
Wasn't this already covered in Canadian Bacon? And haven't at least
3000 of the voters at this point pointed that out? Well, since I can't
recall the ending to that illustrious movie (although I am inspired to
vote Alan Alda for prez in 2004!) here's some relevant information,
drawn from some of the most important areas of life:
Beer: Canadian beer ain't the be all and end all of booze. Sure,
American beer is regulated to be weak, but might we mention the fine
highlights of the rest of the world? I'm currently in Ireland
"studying" (i.e. reading the historical plaques on the pubs) and I'd
get my ass handed to me in a second if I said Labatt Blue was better
than Guinness. And I'm a GIRL. Believe me, there ain't nothing
compares to a Perfect Pint (tm) of Guinness, the only beer it takes 6
steps to pour over five minutes. That reminds me, I need another pint.
So beer is out of the question as a factor in this fight
Sports: Hockey? Pffah. Lacrosse on ice. It only appeals to bitter-
beer-swilling couch potato types. I have never seen anyone good-
looking at a hockey game. At least America has a wider variety of
games to watch - baseball, basketball, football, even kickball.
Remember kids, curling is something you do to your hair. It is not a
Now on to more serious criteria - culture. No, wait, when we've got an
abusive PM and an alcoholic First Family running the shows, this is
anything but serious. But now, who would you want to support? Who
does the world know? Whose culture is currently running rampant over
the native ways of every place from Belfast to East Timor? That's
right, America, in the form of Coca-Cola, McDonald's, and Starbucks.
What memorable cultural exports have come from Canada? The US is
pumping out so much of itself every day in the form of prepackaged
meals, television, and knickknacks that "essence of america" fairly
drips from the pores of American tourists. Canadian tourists go to
extreme lengths to show that they're not American, but that they need
to do so proves the cultural dominance of America over the rest of the
world. So say the nukes go off and we're all citizens of "one nation,
under mushroom cloud." American still wins, because every other spot
in the world is slowly turning into clones of it. I pity the fools who
hold up Canadian culture as a shining example of the way we should be.
Now, time to stop typing and start drinking in earnest
- Tae Mae Shu
The States has absolutely no chance in this war. Sure America would
quickly advance into Canada (assuming, and this is a pretty weak
assumption that your armies aren't fooled by a bunch of Canadians in
ponchos claiming that Canada is actually Mexico). However the
devistation Canadian covert agents could cause to America would be off
the charts. Remember Canadians actually have knowledge of other
countries besides our own and could easily pass our selves off as
Americans simply by pretending to be dumber and more ignorant.
Not only would the States be involoved in a guerilla war in a hostile
landscape (how did that Vietnam thing go by the way?) but we must not
overlook the fact that Canada is one of the most highly respected and
beloved nations on Earth while EVERY OTHER NATION ON EARHT (except
MAYBE Puerto Rico)HATES AMERICA. No before you Americans think that
everyone loves you guys I'm going to let you in on a Canadian
secret... whenever we travel anywhere we wear Canadian flags on our
clothes not out of National Pride but so we're not mistaken for
American's and treated poorly as a result. So while we're wondering
unmolested through your cities causing chaos the rest of the world
will be jumping on you guys like fat kids on Doritos
- Chappy, Canadian Hockey Hooligan
The U.S. will always be one step ahead of Canada for one simple
reason. The Canadians will take twice as long to paint cool slogans
on their bombs like "Have a nice day" since it must be done in
English AND French. Hell, we'll even have a first-strike advantage!
Even IF the Canadians are GIVEN the opportunity to strike back
they'll start an internal war just trying to figure out if the first
missile should come from an English province or French. It'll be
Canadian slapping Canadian until the next scheduled hockey game which
which can be viewed only on U.S. stations since all of the Canadian
players will have defected for the $10 million war bonuses they'll
receive to "Join the winning side!" They'll then find that all of
their beer brewers have been strategically bombed into fermenting
pools of nastiness (or were they that way already). Infuriated,
they'll decide to march into the U.S. thoroughly ready to argue, but
decide to have breakfast first only to find that while they were
slapping eachother swarms of SEAL, Special Forces, and Marine teams
had swapped out the national supply of Canadian bacon for some real
bacon. With spirits crushed and all that is truly Canadian gone the
United States of America will dominate the northern region and
find "endless" supplies of trees for useless paper products.
- Roger Alicea
If the battle is to be won and lost in the cold, wet, filthy
trenches, Canadians will be planting Maple trees all the way down Interstate 5 to Tijuana within a couple of weeks. I see the second wave of RCAF Avro Arrow II's cuising to a simple victory in the air. (Yah, like we really scrapped the program and destroyed the planes -
Tee Hee Hee) On the ground, the American soldiers uniforms will be pulled over their heads in 2 or 3 punches leaving them to suffocate in the dank smell of themselves.*
Not all americans are smelly *
Isn't Canada a State?
Well, the French have come in for the usual amount of insults in the
commentary. Since I was the unfortunate soul who defended them in
their original match here, who better to provide the required
insight on which side here benefits from the influence of the
French--and to plead my case anew.
I should have seen the proper argument before. It isn't their
battlefield leaders who have made France a military laughingstock:
it's their political leaders. General Napoleon would have made France
master of Europe, had not Emperor Napoleon wrecked things with his
constant warmaking, plunging them into appalling guerrilla conflict in
Spain and marching them into the arms of Russian winter. Idiotic
governmental policies left France ill-prepared to fight World War I,
and outright defeatism cost them World War II before the first German
crossed the frontier. Even Charles de Gaulle, savior of France as a
general, came to grief as its president, driven out by a wave of
student protests in 1969. Yes, Euro-hippies sent him running.
So, the rule appears to be that French political leaders spell
doom. Now, get out your trusty almanacs, and look up all the U.S.
Presidents with French names. Zero. Now, look up all the Canadian
Prime Ministers with French names. Let's see: Laurier, Saint
Laurent, Trudeau twice(some people never learn--then again, look who
Americans have managed to re-elect), and Chretien.
I think this explains a lot of history--and with Chretien the current
PM, all doubts evaporate.
Canadians can look on the bright side: at least the conquering
Americans will bring real football with them.
- Call me Shane
Seeing as Canada vs. the US breaks down into which cultural diet
produces the most Noxious bodily gases, I have just one word to say.
For you ignorant people who live outside of Canada (and areas of
Vermont, which are already under our control), poutine is french
fries smothered in cheese curd and gravy. This is a part of the
Ornery lumberjacks with gas like that would be a force to be reckoned
Also, while the majority of this match will be conventional warfare,
the cooperation between the two countries in the past has led to the
establishment of nuclear silos in the Northwes Territories and
Nunavut. It would not be a matter of difficulty for our equivalent to
your navy SEALs, the RCMP, to capture these.
Combine nuclear capabilities that we can link up more quickly due to
a well-built cross-country fibre-optic network with the fact that our
army is actually better trained, the winner becomes clearer and
And on a final note, our constant exposure to American television
makes it far easier for us to decipher American dialects than it
would be to figure oot what we're talkin' aboot, eh?
Whenever I travel in the US and Americans find out I'm from Canada,
they always say: "Canada, eh? You know we could invade your country
any time we want."
No you can't! We've spaced our cities out far too cleverly for your
armies to find them. You miss Montreal by five kilometers and you're
screwed all the way to the polar cap!
- John Rogers
The Canadian army might not have the same strength as its US
counterpart. Our air force uses old Labrador helicopters that do just
like the dog of the same name: they head straight into the water. We
freely admit that our armed forces are about as threatening as a
chihuahua that left its dentures at home. However, always keep in
mind the slogan of the Canadian Football League: OUR BALLS ARE BIGGER!
If movies and television have taught us nothing else, it's that
the underdog with the biggest heart (or the biggest pair of brass
ones) always triumphs in the end.
That means that you'll be our bitches in the end, eh?
In the furure, the history books will all be clear as to how the
Canadians failed. They ignored Minnesota. As the Canuck forces occupy
the northeast and northwest courners of the US, and rally their troops
to defend against the assault from NY, Jesse "The Mind" Ventura
activates plan CARP, Canadian Annihilation Retaliation Push. Within
hours a force of millions storms Canada, armed with the highest
Midwestern military technology. No quarter is given as forces advance
in tractors and combines. The Canadian Rear Gaurd falls back
repeatedly, eventually hooking up with a small group of Canadian Elite
Gaurd (also known as Mounties). After a series of skirmishes at
Winnipeg, the Canadians abandon the city, hoping to draw the Minnesotan
forces int a wild enviroment ehich will overwhelm them. This backfires,
as the Minnesotans dismiss the snow and ice as just another slightly
warmer than usal day, some even removing their jackets.
Over the next month, forces rally across the US and cut a wide swath
through Canada, spearheaded always by the Minnesotans. The most famous
battle later became know as the encounter at Whitehorse, where a small
Minnesotan scouting detachment became enraged and slaughtered almost a
twelfth of the entire Canadian miitary in under an hour. The only
Canadian survior of the incident was later quoted as saying, "Minnesota
Nice became Minnesota Slice'n'Dice, eh?" After this battle, the leader
of the Canadian forces issued a complete and unconditional surrender,
beeging to be saved from "The Elite Minnesotans". Thus, the US won, and
someone at the white hous got the job of figuring out how to add stars
for the 50 new states carved out of Canada to the flag.
I will approach the problem systematically.
The symbol of Canada is a leaf. The symbol of United States is an
eagle, an image ripped directly from the Iroquois, who were roughly
the Native American equivalent of Rome, which was known for butt-
kicking until the German and British barbarians arrived (much like
what happened to the Iroquois, but why dwell on that?). The eagle
clutches thirteen arrows. While it is easy to break one arrow,
thirteen (or in the case of the Iroquois, six) at once are
impossible. Obviously, the United States has a cooler symbol, but
considering they wiped out the former bearer of the symbol, the
effect isn't quite so grand.
United States: 2, Canada: 1
The United States military is obviously superior, but the loss of
nuclear capabilities is obviously going to hurt. Nevertheless, a near-
infinite supply of firearms of various qualities can be obtained from
certain schoolchildren, so the United States retains a decided
advantage here. In a stalemate situation, Canada will run out of
United States: 5, Canada: 2
The United States is at a hideous disadvantage here. While the
Canadian Prime Minister is possibly not the Canadian's best choice
for the confrontation, this pales when compared to the idiocy of
Curious George "Dubya" Bush. There is a significant possibility that
Bush will manage to bobble the military into another country, forcing
the United States to split its military.
United States: -95, Canada: 3
The United States has the best propaganda in the world. No other
country even comes close; Canada, in fact, contracts out American
public relations companies when it needs propaganda work done. A
quick-thinking American leader (obviously, Bush doesn't qualify, so
maybe a General or Secretary of State or someone will do so) will
merely need to call up Burston-Marsteller, Shandwick, Hill &
Knowlton, Communications International - Porter/Novelli, Edelman PR
Worldwide, or one of the many other PR companies to whip up the
American population into an anti-Canadian frenzy. Meanwhile, the
Canadians will receive propagandistic messages such as "Commit
Suicide for Victory over the Yanks!", which will undoubtedly result
in mass civilian depopulation in parts of Canada.
United States: -45, Canada: -7
Canada has hockey fans. Everybody else in Canada is roughly as
threatening as Waldo, and dresses the same, too. The United States,
on the other hand, has Rednecks, Hillbillies, Fundamentalists, and
Ghetto Trash. The Republicans in the United States has ensured that
every single member of these independently operating groups has full
and total access to major weaponry. In peace time, this is rather
inconvenient, as sometimes altercations happen involving normal
citizens, but during wartime these people will be attacking anyone
vaguely foreign-looking, in this case Canadians. Since these forces
operate independently of Curious George "Dubya" Bush's direction,
their activity somewhat ablates his negative effect.
United States: 30, Canada: -2
Presence of Deleterious Population
Canada has a larger percentage of French people than the United
States, but the United States has a much larger population of
Trekkies. Of course, these Trekkies are often found near hot chicks
in chainmail bikinis and/or abbreviated sailor suits, the United
States only has a relatively minor penalty for possessing them.
United States: 5, Canada: -5
Canadians may make wuss beer, but next to American beer it almost
tastes manly. Fortunately for both countries, no country that can
REALLY make alcohol is participating.
United States: -10, Canada: -10
Obviously, as a patriotic American citizen, there is only one option
for my choice to be.
Now… Where did they put that "Both Mangled and Killed" button?
- The Kobold Overlord
Just a few points before I get into the simulation, so those of you
still making popcorn don't have to rush...
Disclaimer: I apologize for all the people I will insult in this, I
don't know you personally, and being as stoned as I am, I'm having
an out of body experience right now, so I can't be held responsible
for my actions. I do not own USA, Canada, Steven Spielberg, the NHL,
Microsoft, the terms Rage, Babe Factor, Coolness Factor, Eye of
the Tiger, Canadian Bacon, Ghetto, Nanook, or the American Way.
I also believe that this whole thing is just a lawsuit waiting to
happen. No actual beavers were hurt in the making of this, although
many were drunk. For a full list of rules please send a self
addressed stamped enveloped to Steve and Brian's home address. Some
restrictions may apply. If you are, or are related to a beaver, or
are over the age of 4, you are ineligible, but you receive the
consolation prize of reading this and seeing Canada get beat to a
Ok then, let's piss some people off...
USA vs. CANADA!
The Rage- USA gets a good start by landing the RAGE. Getting
attacked by a bunch of hicks and their trained attack rodents they
barely tolerated in the first place can give a country a reeeeallly
bad start to their day. Plus, at any given time, 1 in 4 American
women is having a 'Bad Hair Day', and 1 in 8 is having PMS. Adding
Canada into the situation can't work out that well....
The Babe Factor- USA again! They have babes, beaches and bikinis, as
well as highly paid supermodels. Canada has below 0 temps- good for
sitcom sets, bad when semi decent girls are covered by more than 8
layers (shudders). Instead, Canada receives the Babe-The-Talking-Pig-
Factor for their bacon, proving that American Domestic movies stars
look incredibly better than Miss Canada (Note to whom- you might want
to see a dentist to fix that horrible 3 foot gap in your teeth...)
The Coolness Factor- America slams the 'Three is a Charm' level of
debating, as they alone spend billions of dollars in ads to control
society's view of 'Cool'. Control over Coolness = Absolute Power*.
Canada- close, but no banana, as they again get a runner's up award-
the Frigidness Factor. Who actually likes to have icicles growing
between your big toe and the 'this little piggy stayed home because
it was too damn cold out'?
*Note: USA has proven to be omnipotent at setting fads... however
they also came up with 'The Macarena'....
Eye of the Tiger-
The band 'Survivor'-American.
Rambo, the guy who beat Rocky- American. 'Nuff said....
Americans also have 'The American Way'- Life, Liberty, and the
pursuit of Sexy women.
Hm... I've never heard of 'The Canadian Way', but I have a feeling it
would be something like this-
"Gee Nanook, I don't know what it is we hit, but let's fry it up and
serve it with some grits..."
And now... the narrated web-simulation of the War of Nations...
Specialized Canadian B.A.P.s (Beaver Attack Planes) pour carnage down
upon the doomed below. Built with a single platform and powered by a
beaver in a gerbil wheel using hockey sticks as propellers, they
hoist their main artillery- Heat Seeking Beaver Launching Leaf
In a few minutes, Times Square is decimated.
By this time, the Air Force now has the ability to launch fighter
planes, after all the experience they had in Independence Day (ID4),
with problems like destroyed bases and incredibly armed alien ships.
They believe these B.A.P.s are toast.
In a few minutes, the Air Force fighter squadrons are decimated.
Of course, all this is being broadcast on CNN so that everyone can
plainly see what's going on. Immediately after having found out that
the U.S. has declared war, all the draft dodgers jump up from their
couches and (being as dumb as they are) run to Canada.
In a few minutes, the draft dodgers are decimated.
But wait! Isn't the U.S. losing to Canada a sign of the Apocalypse?
Watching on his Live WebCast, Bill Gates rises from his leather chair.
In a hellish voice, he pronounces to himself,
"The time has come..."
A ball of fire seems to consume him as he transports himself to the
"Now all shall bow before me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAW!"
By this time, the Canadian forces have reached Washington because all
the main action has to happen there. Not knowing what to do, the
B.A.P.s fire at Bill Gates, who has just revealed himself to be the
Anti-Christ on live television. All the conspiratists around the
world yell out, "I knew it! HAH!" and then yell at their wives for
not believing them.
As the B.A.P.s fire their deadly HSBs (Heat Seeking Beavers), Bill
Gates merely sneers and laughs a throaty laugh. It appears that he
has finally hit puberty. He stretches out a hand and-
In a few minutes, 90% of the B.A.P.s are decimated.
"Come to me, my followers!" the Anti-Christ (hereby known as AC)
Instantly, droves of computer geeks rise up in arms, armed with
pocket protectors, and begin the march to Washington D.C.
Meanwhile, the NHL is incredibly pissed at being interrupted and all
the players, American and Canadian alike, go on strike for more money, and form
the NwiHL, or No Way In Hell League. Unfortunately, hell is currently
on earth, and the AC (always being picked last in gym for hockey),
decides to have his revenge.
IAFM, the NwiHL is decimated.
Meanwhile, back in New York City, people slowly crawl out of the
cracks. It appears that only the black gang members and hookers have
survived. Instantly, they form an alliance and lead an assault on
Canada, the African Americans because of their dead fellow gang
members, and the hookers because the war was 'bad for business'.
The AC has now decided that because he owns the souls of all
politicians and lawyers, he should kill them to reap his harvest.
IAFM, the Capitol ID.
Beavers still run rampant among the streets and just as the AC is
about to destroy them, a mighty hand comes out of heaven and rains
fire and brimstone down on him, and hands down a court order. A
mighty voice booms out-
"MICROSOFT IS NOW FINISHED!"
The AC screams a girlish scream and yells out "NOOO!!!!".
IAFM, the AC ID.
Then, among the ashes of Washington D.C., a leader is born, and a
tall massive figure and highly nasal voice cries out-
"Fellow Rodents! Why are you here under the thumb of the Canadian
Government? Don't you realize your power? We can rule the world!"
Rocky and Bullwinkle pump their fists in the air, calling for order!
"Follow us! And all will be equal!"
The screech of thousands of beaver's voices cry out as one, as they
flock to this new charismatic leader.
"Sig Freud! Sig Freud! Sig Freud!"
The Rodent Nazis have been born.
Having been stripped of their only natural resource, Canadian
officials run around, not knowing what to do. Then, like a mighty
swarm, the gang members and hookers cross the border, armed with
nuclear weapons. Canada is brought to it's knees, and all the ice is
melted from the nuclear fallout.
Then, in Washington, the geeks all arrive en masse, only to see their
leader fallen and the carnage around them. They declare war to
be 'bad', and become the 2nd Hippies. Sitting in a circle, they all
begin singing Kumbaya.
It appears that the war is over.
"CUT! That's a wrap!" Shouts Steven Spielberg. It seems that he now
has another war movie under his belt, and the special effects will
just blow people away! Unfortunately, everyone on his crew, save one
camera man and himself were killed.
The blacks now refer to themselves as African Canadians, and along
with the hookers, they set up Canada World (TM)- a theme park that
has animatronic beavers, drugs, and expensive women. (See catalog for
So in the end- Canada nuked, Blacks have a new Ghetto, A new Steven
Spielberg blockbuster, the purging of Bill Gates, all lawyers and
politicians dead, and the return of Rocky and Bullwinkle. And the
downside is- what? Ultimately, the American Way has prevailed, so
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.
He died in Washington, D.C.
Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait to receive the Pulitzer.
- Peter Tutham
Return to U.S.A. vs. Canada
Huh? I do a search for "spread-eagle" and "bald beaver" and this is what I get?
||THE (FINAL) FINAL WORD...
Y'know, I'm afraid SCTV may tempt me to defect, eh?
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