World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
Las Vegas, NV (AP) -- In what is known as the convention capital of the
world, trouble has broken out tonight in the lobby of the Sand Dunes in
downtown Las Vegas. In the east wing of the hotel "The Centenarians
Society" was enjoying their annual meeting with record attendance of over
500 members who now qualify for membership by being over 100 years old.
Willard Scott was giving the keynote address, and they were all enraptured
with his always eloquent speech.
Then the trouble began. In the west wing, the "Midget's Guild of America"
was also holding it's annual meeting, when Willard Scott's microphone line
accidentally got tied in to the MGA's PA system. Understandably outraged
by this, over 100 disgruntled midgets stormed into the Centenarian's meeting
and demanded that he cease at once. However, all this did was in turn
outrage the Centenarians.
Now, things have turned violent here at the Sand Dunes -- an all out
battle is taking place before us. When the dust settles, only one of
these two parties is going to emerge from this victorious.
So Brian, with the Centenarians outnumbering the midgets 5 to 1, who do you
think will emerge as the winner tonight?
BRIAN: Gotta go with the midgets, Steve. My first impulse was to
go with the old guys, who have a lot of things in their favor in addition
to their numbers. True, a lot of these "Centenarians" will be almost
completely useless, but the healthier ones will have an arsenal of weapons
at their immediate disposal including, but not restricted to: canes,
crutches, wheelchairs, bed pans, soiled Depends (tm), IV stands, oxygen
tanks, nitroglycerine, cardiac shock paddles, and iron lungs. They could
also theoretically use some of the more incapacitated 100-year olds as
projectiles and/or shields. But that's all moot.
It all comes down to distractions. The elderly are too easily distracted.
They have the attention span of Jell-O (tm). They won't be able to keep
their minds on the fight, especially when distracted by the two things
that DO hold their attention. As the midgets converge on the scene,
several of the more craftier verically-challenged participants work on a
multi-media based attack. One group wires a Matlock (tm) feed into the
closed circuit television being used in the room while another group pipes
in the sounds of Paul Harvey (tm). The old farts are so entranced by this
Audio-Visual Bonanza (tm) that they remain paralyzed as the midgets "descend"
upon them. But they do die happy.
STEVE: A valiant attempt Brian, but you're forgetting one vital
point. In order for your "multimedia" attack to work, you assume that
they can both see and hear. Unfortunately, glasses prescriptions and
hearing aid settings are always a step behind what is needed for full
comprehension. Your ploy will fail, and leave the midgets vulnerable
to other attacks.
Don't forget that these folk have over 100 years of pent-up orneriness to
unleash upon someone. Canes and purses will be clobbering the midgets
from all sides. "Pesky young whippersnappers! Back in my day children
didn't grow facial hair!" The combination of better reach, along with the
5 to 1 advantage will just be too much for the midgets to handle. Elders
in 1 hour.
BRIAN: You claim that they can't see and hear enough to see
Matlock and hear Paul Harvey. Then you claim that they will be
physically able enough to defeat the midget onslaught? How is this
possible?! Selective senses?! If anything, the FIRST thing that they
will be able to see & hear WILL BE MATLOCK! Matlock has been known to
pull several elderly types out of comas. And if their seeing and hearing
are, in fact, so terrible, how will they recognize the midgets as
midgets? If they see a small shape approaching them, they'll think it's
visitation time. "The grandkids have come," they'll say. While they're
digging around for a Nice Shiny Quarter (tm), or reaching out with lips
puckered -- WHAMMO! I got your shiny quarter right here, grandma.
And you mention the elders' "orneriness." Whoop-dee-do. Have you ever
met a short person who wasn't overly ornery and bitter? Imagine how bad
it must be for midgets! They have something to prove. Years of
frustration from spurned sexual advances are let loose on the old folks.
With 100 midgets come 100 jumbo size Chips-On-Their-Shoulder (tm) -- not
only does that make for an agressive attitude, those chips could be
brandished as nasty weapons. Midgets in 10 minutes.
STEVE: Yes, I have. Just look at Tattoo from Fantasy Island (I
mean the real Tattoo, not
the one we portrayed). He's pathetic, and I might mention, bossed
around by an older guy. He does whatever the old guy says, because he
knows that he's gonna get a whoopin' if he doesn't.
Another factor that the old folks have going for them here is that most
of them are already on some sort of pain-killing medication. They will
absorb blow after blow and not even feel it. Not that those wimpy
little blows are going to hurt them at all anyhow.
Basically, you really just can't get away from the numbers regarding
this match. Five to one is a huge advantage! Four guys in wheelchairs
and one with a cane is still going to be more than enough to take out a
3 foot guy. Plain and simple.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section |
Tell a friend about this match
Response of the Week (tm)
In pure physical combat, the midgets win hands down. The 100+s can
barely lift a remote control let alone a cane or an IV stand. But the
Centenarians have chemical warfare on their side via deluges of Ben Gay
oozing from every orifice of their bodies. Not that new unscented stuff
either; they still use some from the "...75 cases I bought back in '69."
Scenario: Midgets climb on a stool and open the door. The Centenarians
that can turn their necks glance over and are mildly surprised to see an
army of 3 foot tall blurs moving towards them. The last midget shuts the
door behind him but leaves the stool outside-- they're trapped. Suddenly
the head midget realizes his error and succumbs to the overwhelming
fumes. Without being removed the midgets soon suffocate (of course the
geriatrics have evolved an immunity to the toxins). Centenarians win in
5 minutes with heavy casualties: 3 strokes, 15 heart attacks, 137 killed
by midgets, many injured by vibrations on the floor during the battle.
- Kris Thole
ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)
This battle has already been forseen and put into poetry. No, not by
Nostradamus, but by the musical genius, Jim Morrison. The connections are
just too obvious to ignore. "Five to One" by The Doors (tm) contains
evidence that Jim saw this battle coming. The ratio of the combatants
is the most obvious. There are 5 geezers to every 1 midget. The line
"The old get older and the young get stronger" shows that Mr. Morrison
knew who'd be fighting. Jim obviously meant to say "the short" not
"the young," but the intention is still clear. This means the midgets
will be able to rally, but the line "They got the guns, but we got
the numbers/ Gonna win, yeah we're taking over" shows that the Arthritis
Crew will win out at the end. The victory will not last since the
ominous line "No one here gets out alive" means that no one will be left,
but the last one left will be an elderly person.
All of the old people had lived through World War I and World War II.
Many of them have probably even fought during them. Therefore, they have
a strategic advantage. Have you ever seen a midget in the armed forces?
No. Why? The thought of a charging Lollipop Guild (tm) just doesn't
The old people will remember (those that aren't senile, anyway) that
the Russian Red Army used their superiority of numbers to beat the Nazis
back to Berlin. This fight in the conference room will be like the
German push into Russia and the turning point in that theater. The
midgets will first be met by the weaker geezers, those that have stuff
stuck in them (colostomy bags, IV's, stuff that would limit movement) and
the blind. It will take a while for the half-pints to push through, and
although they will be relatively unscathed, the Cents that are left will
have set up defensive positions. When the midgets get to these
positions, a stalemate will occur. This works to the elderly's favor,
since they're used to stalemate and trench warfare from WWI.
Winter will set in, and since the midgets were in such a hurry to whip
ass, they left all of their warm clothes at their now forgotten
conference room. The old women, on the other hand, have been knitting
fiercely away, despite the arthritis, making sweaters, mittens and
afghans to keep "the boys" warm. When it gets it's coldest, the old ones
will launch Operation Munchkin Maul (tm).
Hordes of shrimps and prunes will fall. It would look like the
Stormtroopers vs. the Red Shirted Ensigns (tm) all over again. At the
end of it all, only one woman (Mabel Baker) will be left standing, the
blood of many a dwarf on her cane. This will fulfill Morrison's prophesy
of the old winning. Then, Mabel will turn to the stage, where Willard
Scott is still giving his cutesy, pansy speech about how they're not 100
years old, but 100 years young, or whatever the hell it is he says. It
is not a pretty sight as she charges the stage, and with a blood-curdling
scream, beats Willard into a bloody pulp. This will be too much for poor
Mable's body, and she will suffer a heart attack, stroke and embolism all
at the same time and croak. This will fulfill the prophesy that no one
would get out alive.
After this fracas, the hotel has a hard time booking any large groups,
until the NAACP and the KKK get booked at the same time, but that's
another story for someone else to tell.
- Christopher Nixon
ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)
Gotta go with the midgets on this one. Let's face it, midgets have the
entire Politically Correct World(TM) backing them. They are all
Vertically Challanged or Height Deficient(TM). Some members of The a
Centenarians, however, are the most hated and feared humans ever to
oppress this planet: White Males! The instant the battle begins, the
area will be stormed by all the hundreds of billions of women and
minorities who are against the Cruel Tyranny and Centuries of
Oppression which every single white male living today is somehow
directly responsible for. These women and minorities will suffocate the
elderly white males under Inane Piles of Silly Legislation, leaving the
midgets with the numerical advantage. Midgets in 5 minutes.
- Mike "Yes, I'm a White Male" Jackson
Lets get ready to ruuuuuuuuumble! Dionne Warwick (she's like 100,
right?) vs. Warwick Davis? Five words: You're not in Kansas anymore. I
mean, come on. Let's do a little math. From the cursory observation,
you've got 500 old cats vesus 100 midgets. Figure the average
height/mass ratio between the two clans, and it's more like 7.5 to 1. A
few examples of competitors we're likely to see: The old guy from that
wonderful series 'The Master' (tm), Pat Morita (wax midget on, wax
midget off (tm)), Ray Walston (My Favorite Old Guy (tm)) (they're like
100, right?) against such distinguished killers as the greasy PR manager
for Little Caesars (tm) - 'You still got it! (tm)' and the little
backwards-talking twerp from Twin Peaks (tm) (although that dude scares
me plenty). The old folks got a Bag-Full-O'-Suppositories (tm) and blue
hair dye commin' your way -- The old folks win, then retire to Florida.
- Troy Roberson, University of Alabama at Birmingham
What, are you begging to be sued by the AARP and the
Being on the shortish side m'self, I hafta say that the little ones
are gonna kick ass an' take names-- but not for any o' the reasons
suggested. It comes down to one very simple factor: crash
The midget's decisive attack will be to cover the floor with marbles,
banana peels, gear lube, etc. The elders, their skeletal systems
brittled with age, will fall on the floor and hip bones will shatter like
porcelin. The shorties will then be able to charge in with impunity for
two reasons: 1) Being so short, their low centers of gravity will
find them surprisingly sure footed on the treacherous ground, and
2) If they do fall, they're so close to the ground already that
there will be no signifigant damage. Lil' ones in five seconds.
Now, on to the Final Four,
Truly, this would be a lopsided contest...let's look at this one historically.
Midgets are tough and nasty...who was James West's deadliest enemy in
"The Wild Wild West"? Why, Dr. Loveless, of course...3 feet of pure evil
genius! And who knocked out James Bond in "The Man With The Golden
Gun"? Why, it was a pre-Fantasy Island Tattoo! Who kicked the butt of an
entire legion of well armed Stormtroopers (TM) in Return of the Jedi? The
Ewoks, who we all know were just a bunch of midgets in bad fur suits. Then
there is Midget Wrestling...pound for pound, some of the fiercest fighters in
the entertainment circuit...you've never heard of Old Geezer Wrestling,
have you? Of course not, because they have no RAGE (TM). 'Nuff said.
The midgets, suitably enraged, and using their superior speed and
agility, lock the handbrakes on the wheelchair bound geezers, making
them easy targets for the second wave of reinforcements, led by the
recently resurrected Tattoo (and highly po'd at having been dead). The
initial assault force then targets the standing geezers, and easily takes
them out with devesating groin punches, a la Johnny Cage. The geezers
will be left in so many pieces not even SuperDenture Grip (TM) will be
able to put them back together. Midgets win in 15 minutes.
had to go with the little guys. Look at gargamel and the
smurfs. Gargamel had to be at least 80 yrs old yet the
micromidgetal smurfs whooped his ass every time.
Im gonna have to go with Brian on this one. I grew up with Tony Reames
in Pennsylvania and have had to endure many long lectures on the uncanny
fighting abilities of midgets and one thing has always seemed to capture
my attention... midget throwing. Sure the Grannies and Gramps might have
canes and other "foriegn objects", but two midgets, properly skilled in
the art of midget tossing, can really wreak havoc. With good aim and the
proper velocity, a midget can do more than take your eye out. I kid you
not on this subject, for there are REAL midget tossing contests. They
take this stuff seriously. So take heed old folks... these guys arent
only coming in on the ground... like Desert Storm, an air attack is
inevitable and will probably decide the champions! Best of luck to all
of them, but I know the midgets are not only physically, but mentally
more prepared to win this one.
- tymm hoffman
In the middle of a huge all out brawl, about three midgets, just simply
march up to the Gramps' stage, toss Willard Scott away from the podium,
and launch into an odd high-pitched squeal, from which the words, "WE
REPRESET THE LOLLIPOP .... " At first the squeal just irritates the
Gramps' Group, but as they are beginning to froth from the odd whine
coming from their hearing aids, the trio on the stage whip out about 5
lollipops the size of Alaska, and hand them out to the suddently calmed
feeble people. The two depart in peace, and as the oldsters share the
lollipops, and procede to watch a all-too familiar classic about a
MIDGE #1> Hey, guy, thanks for the stuff you gave me, sure it'll work?
MIDGE #2> It'll work. I got it off a pusher around the corner, and
they're so old it'll put 'em into shock.
MIDGE #1> Well, thanks, and see you later Mr. Coleman.
MIDGE #2> Call me Gary. See you next year.
About a week later, about half the grandchildren in the US go on a
muderous rampage for anyone over 21 and under 5', while the other half
throw parties celebrating the demise of sloppy kisses and that odd smell
no one could really identify.
- DarkHelmet - May the Schwartz be with you!
How many shrunked old folks have you seen? In their frenzy to
smash at anything smaller than them, the ancient attackers are
undoubtedly going to mistake some of their own for midgets. This will
quickly even the numbers out, and one ticked off, three foot, guy (who
is likely to be built like a brick wall) is easily gonna take down a old
lady who can't even clearly see him.
- Aaron Petry, Ohio State University
hi there. My brother and his friends are the creators of the
midget/old people battle. I have fought with him over and over
again about this topic. I stand firm with my decision that
the midgets would win time and time again. You are really incouraging
his madness by putting this on your page. gee, thanks
- crazy's sister
The Midgets would win hands down because they (in short) would have the
- Jen Fris
Midgets hands down! Here are my reasons why.
1. Midget wrestling, if some of those moves were executed in real life they
would be fatal.
2. Teeth, even if there were no wrestlers, and the brawl came to biting,
the Centenarians with false teeth (probably soaking in club soda at the time
of the attack) or none, the midgets would still win.
3. The Wizard(tm(80s tv show))and Time Bandits(tm):
The Wizard would whip up some radio controled car with mini guns or
something of the like and the Time bandits would steal anything that looked
like it could be used as a weapon. The little RC car would burst through the
doors like Tango and Cash(tm) in the RV from hell, shredding the place.
The outcome will be decided by SPEED. Remember the Haiti Kid in the WWF?
He could bite referee's bottoms and jump on full-size wrestler's backs and
then run away before they could catch him. Also he was just so tiny that
he was too cute for them to really want to hurt him. It's the same case
here. The old guys will see the midgets coming in and think "oh how
cute..." and will never know what hit them. Midgets in five minutes.
Addendum: Also keep in mind the George Burns factor -- he was
basically just holding on long enough to turn 100. I'm sure half the old
guys die at these conferences every year -- the shock of seeing 100 angry
midgets burst into their tranquil lounge will probably be enough to do the
rest of them in.
Have to go with the midgets. Even Kramer, a man in his physical prime, got
taken down by one.
This contest reminds me of a war between the Pygmy and Watusi tribes
in Africa. The Pygmy tribe has the smallest average height of any
civilization in the world, while the Watusi tribe has the largest.
Surprisingly, the Pygmy tribe won this war. Why? The Pygmies would
hide in the jungle, run out, hit the Watusi on the knee, and hide
again. The Watusi could never find the Pygmies, largely due to their
lack of height. This battle is very similar. The Midgets will run up
to a Centenarian, hit them on the knee, and then run to find a new
target. Due to their age, the Centenarians have an extremely low
response time, and will not be able to strike back at the Midgets.
After just a few hits on the knee, their legs will snap in two.
Fumbling around for their anasthetic, they will be at the mercy of
Wow, and I thought I was twisted. Anyway, as the full midget on slought
begins the only sounds that will be heard over Matlock(tm) will be that
of old bones snapping like tree limbs and hips popping like popcorn.
Come on, the ability to smack someone with a purse or a cane is directly
related to the ability to move without breaking somthing. Keloggs(tm)
wishes they could record a Snap(tm), Crackle(tm) & Pop(tm) this loud.
The midgets in ten minutes, due almost entirely to the brittle bones and
missing cartilage of old age.
First of all anyone who has made it into the Centenarians, and made it to
tonights match is going to be one tough old son of a gun. Also lets
remember that quite a few may have previous combat experience, and this
experience will provide quite an advantage in this battle for survival.
You can see it now, the midgets advancing in a rageing horde, only to be
cut down by a centenarian with an O2 tank and a lighter. No mercy here
So, it will be the centenarians, but with heavy casualties.
After much careful deliberation, I came to the conclusion that the
results of this match will hinge on upon the actions of one man,
Oleander Ramchakowski. Oleander is the only person to qualify as a
member of both groups. One hundred and seven years of orneriness
packed into a three foot two inch frame. Years and years ago,
Oleander was one of the world's most famous circus midgets, able to
draw crowds from around the globe. All this changed one day, however,
when a group of old folks came to the circus and told the owner that
"short people just aren't that funny." This resulted in the immediate
firing of Oleander. Now, years later, the brawl to end all brawls
breaks out, and Oleander is forced to choose sides and fight for
either the old people, whom he has never forgiven for the loss of his
job, or the little people, who have suffered for years at the hands of
the old. Oleander sees the chance to do something about that great
big chip on his shoulder and starts to fight for the midgets. Using
his Natural Charisma and Charm (TM) that he deveoped over years of
circus life, he rounds up the physically capable, but perceptually
challenged centenarians. Oleander will convince his powerful,
cane-wielding army, that the more threataning, dangerous centenarians
are actually midgets who have disguised themselves by sitting on each
others shoulders. With the help of the other midgets, Oleander and
his army will butcher a large portion of the centenarians as if they
were cattle. While many centenarians will survive this initial
onslaught, it will leave the survivers incapacitated and in need of
medical attention. Many will survive the battle only to find
themselves writhing in agony on the floor as physical exertion has
caused their lungs to collapse and their arteries to burst. At this
point, the energetic, spry midgets will be able to round up the
survivers and dispose of them at their leisure. Convention security
will be powerless to protect the centenarians as the midgets take part
in their terrible orgy of blood.
- Faustus, Lawrence University
Midgets are fast, and I don't just mean pretty fast, I mean damn fast.
They have a low center of gravity so they can corner like they're on
rails. They'd have those old codgers spinning in so many directions that
they won't know what hit them. In the confusion (and can you think of
anything more confusing than 100 angry midgets?) the elderly will cease to
be a tax burden.
- Jim Truitt --Jeremy Kriedeman
Sure the old people have their weapons, sure they have their
hardend WWI experiance, sure they can lock their teeth on someone and then
detach them from their mouth to fight on, but their forgetting one thing
... the midget celebrities. Webster & Gary Coleman also happen to be at
the meeting (after making up from their match) and we all know what kind
of heat they pack. Webster coming from such a broken home...come on we
all know it happened off camera. And we all know of the "Different Stro
kes" criminal records. And I'm sure Coleman will use many different
strokes on the elders from his illegal nightstick he always carries with
him (you didn't see that episode?).
- Pap 1
Let's not forget that these old curmudgeons are there to see
one of their heroes, Willard "is anyone going to eat that last piece of
cheesecake" Scott. Old people respond best to large, loud things (hence
their undying devotion to Scott, Harvey, and (?) Rush. With the
diminutive size of the midgets, the centenarians will be looking down,
right through the closeup section of their bifocals. They will see
nothing but a blur of compact human flesh. You can't hit what you don't
see. Also, the centenarian cavalry (wheelchair brigade) will be almost
useless. Get a 3-foot person at the control of a wheelchair, and the old
farts won't be able to turn around far enough to see him/her. Click, the
midgets disengage the wheelchair brakes, and whoosh! it's out into the
parking lot with the mobile portion of the centenarians. The rest of the
midgets will disable the centenarian's juicers and automated feeding
tubes, and then claim to be their grandchildren coming to visit. Once
they are within hugging distance, whammo! If this happens across the
country, the voter base for Bobby Dole will drop by 50%.
- Greg A. Kudlac
How can you even argue for the centenarians. They are all over 100 years
old. All the orneriness in the world isn't going to save them from drooling
all over themselves. In fact there will be so much drool, that the elders
will all fall down and break their fragile hips.
To paraphrase from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, "A family of midgets isn't just a
bunch of kids, it's a gang."
Yes, they are elderly, but certainly not without their particular dangers.
Have you ever driven around the east coast of Florida in the winter? It
is loaded with the aged! Very dangerous aged. All behind the wheels of
large, heavy automobiles. If they old guys get behind, they'll just go
out and get their heavy cars and drive all over the dwarfs. And, they
have the advantage of no remorse -- the next day they won't remember a
- Paul Breslin
The centenarians have to win. Why? Experience. When you put them
together, the centenarians have a combined 50,000 years of experience.
50,000! Yoda didn't even have 1000 years, and look at how tough he was!
These centenarians have seen 2 world wars and several other ones. They
should know tactics by now. The fight goes something like this:
The midgets run into the room. The wheelchair brigade (do you know how
fast a motorized wheelchair moves?) executes a dareing flanking maneuver.
The old guys with canes pile the droolers into an inpenetrable barrier,
and then wait for the tiny midgets with the swords and guns hidden in
their canes at the ready. The little old ladies form up in the rear with
their Mace(tm) artillery, and open fire, opening a hole in the midgets
ranks. Then the wheelchairs open up the razor-saw cutters on the sides
of their wheels and come right down the middle. Instant midget
fricassee. Then Willard Scott's toupee, which he borrowed from William
Shatner after the Oscars, leaps off his head and begins to drain the life
from the fallen midgets.
Centenarians in five minutes, with 100 centenarian fatalities (the
- Cory Davis, University of Kentucky
The midgets will hijack a clown car, pile in, and proceed to run the old
people over. As the midgets drive out in triumph, they will trade a
basket of watermelons for Willard Scott's toupee, bronze it, and put it in
their Hall of Victory.
- Mr. MAC
Well, "Time Bandits" certainly demonstrated that midgets can
defeat or otherwise outwit: Napoleon, Ogres, Timeless captivity, Robin Hood,
Giant Bald Dudes, Greek Kings, Evil Incarnate, and The Supreme Being. They
will have no trouble with a bunch of old people. Oh, sure, some
will say "But the midgets got their ass kicked in midget wrestling..."
but that was against Andre the Giant. Picture Andre wading through
a sea of centenarians, leaving nothing but broken wheelchairs in his
wake. He was a match for any force in the universe, no shame losing to
him. I fear the "Life Alert" switchboard in Las Vegas will suddenly
become overloaded. The few calls that make it through contain nothing
but whimpers, with obvious mayhem in the background. The paramedics
arrive only to find a field of carnage before them, really old carnage.
- Eric Klinker
(There! I somehow managed to resist the "I've fallen..." line, I don't
know how but I did.)
it should be obvious to everyone that all midgets are instinctive
wrestlers. sure, they may not all be good enough for the wwf (tm), but
they know all the moves -- fireman's carry, sleeper hold, the dreaded
figure four leg lock -- all of them. not only do i think that the midgets
will win, but i am going out today and buying stock in whatever company
does hip replacements.
Now, let's assume that 3 out of every 5 Centenarians are useless
veggies. If we assume that, it is probably a good assumption that
many of the remaining 200 are war veterans that have chunks of meat
larger than the midgets in their stool. These crafty nail-eating
individuals will stop at nothing to achieve victory. They'll be
stacking the 300 invalid Centenarians into foxholes and shield walls.
They will drain the invalids' blood for plasma infusions that will
better serve the active members of the united Centenarians. They will
scalp their minature foes and hang their severed ears on a necklace
before you can say "War crimes Tribunal!"...
Originally, I thought the centenarians would take this one. Their years
of expererience and their combat experience from World War I (trench
figting) would give them the edge in the brutal close quarters contest
that the midgets' stubby arms would necessitate. Then, as I let my
thoughts wander to my own grandparents, I thought about how they can never
stop talking about their old war expereinces. The actual combat would go
something like this. A midget takes a swing at some old guy, and misses
pitifully. The old guy launches into a four hour story about how he was
at Bellau Wood with the marines when they had to throw the Hun back into
Germany. Every old guy around would feel it necessary to add in their own
story. While they all are yarning, the midgets have enough time to get in
shape, buy weapons from Cuba, and basically nuke the entire convention
The midgets win due to lack of war stories....
- Agent-13 at Lawrence University
If the Centurians could hold on for another few years they might be able
to enlist the aid of Ronald Reagan, who would unite the U.S. against the
midgets, and pass legislation to modify the star wars program to destroy
everything under three feet tall.
The centenarians have a huge advantage here. Think of it this way -
most of them were in their best fighting shape in 1916. Where did they
learn to fight? World War One. In the first World War, fighting was a
dirty hand-to-hand affair. Bayonettes and phalanx marches were the height
of technology. The midgets have learned warfare in a world of smart
bombs, radar, infrared, intercontinental misiles, and air support. None
of those things will be at their disposal in this conflict. But the
100-year-olds will feel right at home with makeshift clubs and swords
fashioned from crutches and canes. Look for that advantage to help the
centenarians cary the day. Laffayette, we're back.
- Loss Leader
Knowing that they can't win the battle physically, the elderly folks try
to win psychologically by turning off their hearing aids and playing Randy
Newman's "Short People" at a very loud volume. Meanwhile, an industrious
little guy goes into the kitchen and turns on the microwave oven, causing
all the elderly people's pacemakers to fail. They all clutch their chests
and fall over, becoming easy prey to the midgets. Thus, the midgets walk
away unscathed, aside from a temporary hearing loss, slight dizziness, and
a mild ringing in the ears.
- S. Lepper
To a midget, a wheelchair is what a Mac Truck is to the average human
being! Especially if we are talking electric wheel chairs. The old
guys will win before they even know it! And, let's face it, the midgets
are also going to have to deal with the noxious gas warfare of the old
"farts!" Didn't you ever wonder what that greenish haze was?
- J Cubed, University of Minnesota
Well, being that I'm a midget or "vertically challenged," I know the
secrets of the midget. I have no doubt that the midgets would have no
problem demolishing the centenarians! I'll admit that the centenarians
are better armed then we are with walkers, canes and such, but it
takes strength to swing a 40 lb wheel chair! Have you ever seen a
skinny midget? Of course not! All midgets are buff, we all work out
and we are all a part of "the midget movement." (it's a small
movement) This is how it would go... The centenarians would start
making their way towards the midgets after taking double doses of
geritol (tm). One of the centenarians would yell "charge those little
bastards!!" True, the midgets would be out numbered, but the odds were
soon to change. Unfortunately when the centenarians yelled "charge
those little bastards" half of them thought he said "grab some bags of
mustard!" Off go half the centenarians to go look for some mustard.
The midgets now make their move, one of the buffest midgets grabs hold
of a wheel chair with a sleeping senior and starts ramming it into the
other centenarians knocking them down like bowling pins. There is
midgets stacked on top of each other smacking old men every where. The
centenarians put up a sad fight getting a couple of cane hits, the
only thing keeping them up so long was their depend (tm) undergarments
padding their privates. (that's the key target for us midgets) when it
was all over the smell of ben gay(tm) was in the air and the bruised
and battered centenarians were scattered across the floor, either
knocked out or sleeping. The victorious midgets gave each other low
five's and kept the party going.
- Rich Grehalva
And in response...
You got it all wrong Shorty...As a senior citizen, or someone who is
"youthfully deprived" there are a few things you should know.
1) We aren't above using our own to demolish you all. First, we
would begin barraging you with an arsenal of applesauce and pudding.
2) Upon your instant loss of footing,(dozens of midgets flying around
and slipping face-first in applesauce is a pleasent thought) we would
send in a fleet of fast moving wheelchair guerrilla fighters. We would
laugh gayly as our chairs rolled over your roly-poly little bodies.
3) We would then use our dentures in hand-to-hand combat and use them to
bite you all in the hineys.
4) While you shout in agony and writhe in pain, we send in the Grey
Beret's. They stuff volumes of Nitro-Glycerin, Geritol, El-Lax, and
a host of other heart and blood pressure down your collective throats
resulting in an immediate and swift death.
Finally, the centarians get together over a dinner of mashed potato's
and lime jello and toast to your defeat as Max the Undertaker embalms
your tiny portly bodies and buries them in breadbox-Caskets.
- Robert Bluestein
For every psycho 110 year old weightlifter, there are 100 grannies with
osteoporosis and Dowager humps. Midgets in half an hour.
- Bryan M. Ball, University of New Hampshire
You know, pumping Willard Scott through the speaker system is an act of war.
Obviously, this was done intentionally because the Centerarians feel they
have the battle in the bag and I understand why. With the Immortals from
Highlander, a flock of vampires, Shadows and Vorlons from Babylon
5, Spock, Rayden and several members of the Q Continuum on their side,
who wouldn't be overconfident. They even have Santa Claus! Even with the
expected infighting among the not-so-old Centenarians, they should be able
to handle a numerically inferior group of Ewoks, Munchkins, Santa's elves,
Midget Wrestlers (Lord Littlebrook LIVES!), Jawas, the butler dude from the
Prisoner, the guy from Willow, Tatoo and a few Ferengi.
HOWEVER, they forgot the wild card - YODA. He may have been over a hundred
years old for two hundred years, but he's been short forever. Before they
know what hits them, Yoda will have them naked and penniless in front of the
craps table and begging for their mommies. Meanwhile, the midgets will have
Willard buried up to his neck in the desert and covered with A1 Steak Sauce
just in time for the starving Wile E. Coyote (and a couple of large
boulders) to fall on his head.
YODA THINK YOU DEFEAT? THINK SO I DO NOT!
- Paul Golba
Tsk, tsk. Steve, Brian, you two are fine men with keen insight, but you
keep on missing the IMPORTANT stuff! How could you forget one of the
most powerful lobbying organizations in Washington, the AARP (American
Association of Retired Persons)??? This one organization, some of whom
are, yes, centenarians, has kept Clinton quaking in his shoes, Dole
cowering in his closet, an entire CONGRESSFUL of (somewhat) younger men
and women scared that if they even brush Medicare with a feather, they'll
bring down the wrath of grandmothers scorned! Now, you don't get power like
this without reason! Besides, when was the last time you heard of a
midgets' lobbying group, let alone one with power? The AARP is one of
the only lobbying groups almost guarenteed to have a constant fresh crop
of supporters! Think about it!
Here's what I see happening: the midgets turn on Matlock and Paul Harvey
as Brian predicted, when all of a sudden, the loudspeakers and TV screens
explode in a hail of gunfire! The AARP Enforcers (all old men dressed in
the same suits they wore in the 20's when they were still working as Mob
hitmen) burst into the room, tommy guns smoking. "Kids today!" one of
them wheezes. "Don't know any respect for their elders! Bet they don't
even remember what Dillinger liked for breakfast!"
"Hey, we aren't kids!" one of the midgets yells.
The old guy shrugs. "Who cares? Eat hot lead, shorty!" The Enforcers
then cut down all the midgets in a shower of bullets, the same sad fate
that befell enemies like the original Red, Yellow, and Black Power
Rangers (you didn't believe that story about them being fired, did you?)
and the writer for _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_ who wrote that Mentos
song parody ("Youth is better, in every situation! Youth is better, old
is stupid!" And yes, the German wing DID kill Mentos' ad agency too).
The Enforcers look over their grim work, nod towards each other in
acknowledgement of a job well done, and sit down to play canasta with
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- Better hope you get older. Quick.
Of course the midgets are going to win this one. I must admit, any
woman over a hundred years of age will scare the snot out of me (it's
always the feisty ones who live that long!) but their willpower is
nothing when they can't stand without their canes. Have you seen
them drive?! Old guys are altogether unable to coordinate a lane
change, forget bending down to sock a smurf with an uppercut!
- Mia Haab
tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
Leslie Stahl [not realizing she is on air]:
I can't believe that my story about Barbara Bush's nymphomania was
replaced by Wallace's report on black-market shoelaces *and* you're making
me introduce that flatulent old geezer... I'm on? Oh... Now a few moments
with Andy Rooney, who has just returned from Las Vegas.
Ya know what burns my wrinkled old ass? Everything! But more specifically,
I want to spend the next five minutes ranting and complaining about the
latest menace to society: midgets. I know you bleeding-heart and
politically-enlightened liberals would rather that I use the term
"vertically-challenged" or "persons of limited stature", but I won't. In
fact, when the revolution comes and you're all lined up against the wall,
I'll make sure that the midgets are there, standing next to your kneecaps!
I was attending a very nice, quiet, and proper convention in Las Vegas
last week. The attendees were people just like me, with similar opinions
and vitamin schedules. I am a rookie member of The Centenarians Society,
so I can't say how other conventions have gone, but this year was a
fiasco. Ruined by uppity adult ankle-biters. They came into our reception
hall and started hitting us in the shins and on the knees. Short people,
just like children nowadays, have no respect for their elders.
I was enjoying a talk by that fat Willard Scott fellow, when I was
brutally attacked by some midget who obviously was still bitter about
losing a role in The Wizard of Oz. Why can't midgets be more civilized?
They have all the same body parts that normal-sized people have, just
smaller versions. You don't see old people attacking other conventions.
You know why? because we were raised the right way. Not like these new age
midgets who were raised by non-spanking parents. I tell you, a good
whooping every now and then will set those shorties in their place. We
don't need to bludgeon them; like they did to my Society brothers and
sisters. We just have to put them on our lap and give them a good old
fashioned spanking. That'll set them straight!
Most of you are probably thinking that I'm some kind of monster. Really,
I'm not. I just want short people to be seen and not heard. Or felt for
that matter. Midgets will probably write me angry letters telling me how
they want to be just like normal people. I don't object to midgets having
jobs; there are plenty of bars that need midgets for dwarf-tossing
competitions. I also don't mind if midgets want to live their lives
peacefully; I just don't want them in my neighborhood. After seeing the
number of centenarians they killed or left to die in their Depends (tm), I
can't respect so-called people who are nothing more than pint-sized
Gotta go with the over hundred crowd on this one. Plain and simple they have the
entire support of the states of Florida and Arizona, since the population of both
states is easily over 100. With the control of those two states also comes the
control of Cuba and Mexico, respectively. The combined military power of Cuba and
Mexico together should easily be able to destroy the midget(vertically challenged
for the PC out there) contingent. It unfolds something like this. The geezers
leave the hotel to contact their representatives back in their home states. They
in turn contact the millitary leaders in Cuba and Mexico. 20 minutes later the
first wave of carpet bombing comes in from Mexico wipping out the hotel where the
midgets were prematurely celebrating. 30 minutes after that a follow up carpet
bombing from the Cuban forces (They had futher to travel) completely destroys the
hotel and much of the surrounding area.
The midgets, angered by the annoying voice of Willard Scott Listing
off the many 157-year olds he seems to be to find. They come in
biting, and good 'ol Willard is the first one to crack, screaming "OH
MY GOD! THEY'RE LIKE A MILLION FIRE ANTS!!" The 115-year-old woman
Willard was praising is next; she brains a few midgets with her cane,
but she is soon covered by the furious midgets, with their Very Sharp
Teeth(TM). The centenarians begin dropping likes flies, and within
minutes the whole scene is a bloody wreck. Satisfied, the leader of
the midgets wipes blood froms his mouth and proclaims "Alright,
fellas! Back to the screening of The Wizard of Oz!"
Nothing against the midgets, but the geezers are gonna win it all.
Somebody mentioned something about the Centenarians being cranky and
ready to whip out their canes and break bad on the midgets. This fact
alone made up my mind. I work in a Dairy Queen (tm) and I can tell you
first-hand these Centenarians are lean, mean, fighting-machines. You
should see how fast they reach across the counter to slap the hell
out of the cashier who forgets the 25 cent senior discount on their
The midgets will give them a fight, though. They maneuver faster, and
can outrun some old codger with no teeth. However, the Centenarians'
Rolling Brigade (wheelchairs, people) will embarass the midgets on the
field of combat. And let me tell you...seeing a midget after he's been
plowed over by and old guy in a wheelchair with studded tires and
four-wheel drive is not a pretty sight.
The only thing that can save the midgets from gut-wrenchingly gruesome
defeat is if Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow shrinks down to four feet and
begins showering the walls with 100-year old brains, but I don't think
even that will provide a midget victory.
This one was a toughie--Your color commentary had made both parties essentially
Midgets have led a life of exploitation and mockery. Long ago enslaved by circus
owners and dance-video creators, these puny people have long held a grudge
against the tall free world. This will engender quite a hatred against anyone,
especially the top of this nefarious pyramid of height, the old. Admittedly, old
people are generally stooped and will not hold that large an advantage over the
However, on the old people's side is the inevitable yogurt-eating hundred-year
old who worked out all his life and smoked and ate bacon every morning and is
therefore incredibly healthy. These individuals are the ones you used to see on
"That's Incredible!", those who would still run farms, lift trucks, etc. well
into their old age, making us younger generations look bad. A few of these
people will be more than enough to squash the midgets.
Finally though, the midgets will rise triumphant over their aged oppressors,
simply because they are fighting the good fight. Old people KNOW they're
useless. They know that they serve no practical purpose in society except to
scare the hell out of the rest of us at how old we're going to get. Midgets will
have the forces of justice behind them, and will therefore be victorious.
I had to go with the midgets in this one. I point to the ability to walk
upright under tables as a major tactical advantage. Those little devils
can pretty much walk around unhindered as the tables provide perfect
shields from flying crutches, oxygen tanks and the like. I forsee the
winning strategy to be simply walking around and biting the oldsters'
ankles and sitting back while infections do their work for them. The
oldsters will not even know they're being defeated(if in fact they know
there's a battle at all) because of the aforementioned sensory debilities
and pain medication. I am an EMT and haul enough of these people to and
from hospitals while they are only vaguely(sometimes not even that) aware
of what solar system they reside in. I don't see Willard Scott being a
factor as weather is not likely to affect the match nor are 100+yrs
birthday announcements likely to raise the moral of anyone but the
midgets. The only major hinderance to the midgets will be the occasional
bite of a wheelchair tire instead of an ankle and putting up with the
stench of decomposition.
Then the battle begun....
The leader of the midgets stood in front of all his troops preparing
for battle with the centenarians. From around the cental fountin the leader
of this gaggle of old farts rode up. He had just begin to delegate when the
lead midget stuck out is quarter-inch finger and said, "What you did is
inexucable!" He continued, "I demand you appoligize."
The head centenrian replied, "Never! It is not our fault you recived
our kenote address!"
The lead midget yelled, "Prepare to die then!" turned to his troops
and signaled the attack.
A line of centenarians were lined up, they reached into their fanny
packs and pulled out their miscallanious bottle of medication, and opened
fire. The hair-care products managed to take out a few of the midgets but
they were pretty much full-force.
The leader of the centenarians thought to himself "This isn't
working." "FIRE A GRAPESHOT!!"
The line of catapults which had been waiting on the buffet bar
became active. Hundreds of false teeth were flying everywhere, striking
down midgets by the dozens.
The midgets turned over a row of slot machines and took cover, even
though, they had suffered major losses, they still had their moral up.
Just then, a horse and wagon rode up from the enterence. They
midgets began rejoycing because they recognized this particular wagon as the
one from Willow! The midgets opened the wagon to see it full of swords,
vorpal swords at that, and armor, too!
The midgets began equiping themselves and began the attack! The
midgets swung at the centenarians legs severing them off. They were cutting
through them like butter! Walkers and legs (prostetics and real) were
flying all over the place! Their canes could hardly hold out. The lead
midget was standing on top of the main waterfall gunning what ever he could
down with his auto-crossbow!
Just when the midgets thought it was over, the lead centenarian ran
over to his secret weapon, a swimming pool full of Coccons (from the film
non-other than Coccon)! He grew 8 times in size (and they thought the
midgets were short before!) He was crushing them under his feet.
Just then, the midgets from the movie Time Bandits fall from their
latest time warp. They came bearing blaster pistols and lightsabers from a
long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. They consentrated their fire on
the collosus waltzer. BOOM!!!!! He fell apart like a soggy depends (tm).
It was a close one, the midgets had won. But they new that there
would be more of them....
-Chris 'Cyan' Henderson
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Gary Coleman v. Webster
A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas
Caine, the geriatric Kung Fu fighter v. Walker, the washed-up Texas Ranger
Real Life |
Fun Stuff |
© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC