As he walks around Harlem, Tattoo finally spies his target. "There he is, the one with the sitcom," Tattoo mumbles under his breath. Tattoo, always busy on Fantasy Island, is unfortunately not up to date with his sitcoms. Tattoo storms up to whom he thinks is the culprit, Urkel. "Prepare to pay for what you have done!" Tattoo says as he brandishes the gleaming brass knuckles. Urkel, surprised yet always prepared, pulls out his own brass knuckles from under his coat. "You don't know who you're dealing with, Tattoo. I've got a hot date with Laura, and I don't plan on missing it because of you!" Urkel retorts. The two begin to circle each other as a small crowd gathers to watch the fight. Only one will walk away from this showdown.
So, Brian, who will win Street Fight II - The Wrath of Webster?
At first glance, Tattoo clearly has the RAGE (tm). Fighting for his dying blood brother, truly he will give an amazing performance. But Urkel, while probably mildly upset at the possibility of missing the date with Laura, is actually driven my a much stronger force -- the only thing more powerful than the RAGE (tm) and the BABE Factor (tm): FEAR. What is Urkel afraid of? Tattoo? Surely not. It's the fear that every childhood actor has: that of becoming a washed-up has-been for his entire adult life. Too many before him, Danny Bonaduce, Rick Schroeder, the Gold sisters, and, yes, even Gary Coleman, had gone on to lead a life of dispair, substance abuse, and pathetic public displays. Clearly, a loss as embarassing as getting beat up by Tattoo would end Urkel's career. It would be the start of a downward spiral, similar to what starring in that made-for-TV-movie about the L.A. Laker Girls did to Tina Yothers. Now while a victory over the stubby Tattoo would by no means guarantee Urkel's achieving Ron Howard Status (tm), a loss would undoubtedly send him to almost certain banishment to the talk show circuit at age 30.
How is it that rabbits can sometimes outrun the usually speedier foxes? Simply because while the foxes are running for their dinner, the rabbits are running for their lives. It's the same thing here: Tattoo is fighting for justice and vengence, but Urkel is fighting for his very existence.
STEVE: You're damn right that Urkel is fighting for his very existence. Tattoo is a powerful weapon waiting to be unleashed. On Fantasy Island, he and Mr. Rourke always worked for good, and you never saw their evil side. But when Mr. Rourke turned to evil in The Wrath of Khan, you saw how mighty he became. The same will happen for Tattoo. In fact, you can catch a glimpse of his evil side in The Man with the Golden Gun where he shows James Bond a thing or two. Urkel just doesn't realize the trouble he's wandered into.
An important factor to consider here is agility. As any street fighter knows, agility plays a big role in these matches, especially when brass knuckles are involved. While neither competitor is excessively agile, I think Tattoo has the edge here. Urkel is always constrained by those pants pulled up to his chest. This limits him to waddling around, and will hamper his lunging ability. In addition, I'm sure they are effecting tremendous pressure on his family jewels, which causes intense pain, and will surely distract him from the fight. The lapses in concentration brought on by the pants will be his downfall. One quick smack in Urkel's glass jaw will send him to the hospital next door to Webster. Webster will discover this, and will then bribe the nurse to poison him "accidentally." Tattoo wins!
BRIAN: I think you seriously underestimate the power of motivation. As Urkel and Tattoo are squaring off, measuring each other up, Urkel gets a flash. Nay! A vision! He forsees a commercial shown during a football game several years in the future..."Tonight on NBC in a World Premiere Movie (tm), witness Jaleel White in a breakthrough dramatic role..." Urkel screams: "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" This terrifying vision sends him into an unthinking homicidal rage, very similar to one induced by PCP, where he feels no pain and kills everything in sight.
And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that motivation (and all of the other "intangibles") aren't important. What does that leave us with? That's right, the Tale of the Tape (tm). What does the Tale of the Tape (tm) tell us? Well, it tells us that Tattoo's stocky frame and short arms are ideal for a jab-led assault. But it also tells us that Urkel has a foot-and-a-half height advantadge. Along with that height advantadge comes a foot-and-a-half reach advantadge. Thus, Urkel can just use the Put-Your-Hand-On-The-Other-Guy's-Forehead-And-Let-Him-Swing-Away Defense (tm). With Tattoo's T.Rex-like arms flailing, the brass hitting nothing but air, he tires out quickly and Urkel finishes the weakened sidekick off. (This is very similar to the strategy Rocky used against Clubber Lang, except Urkel won't get a finger laid on him.) Either way, the Tattoo gets removed.
STEVE: Brian, your whole TV argument is pointless, since you assume that Urkel even has the possibility of a future if he wins this fight. You, I, and the American people all know that his career will end with Family Matters, simply because he has no talent. He will end up following in the footsteps of other greats (as you eariler mentioned) regardless of the outcome of this fight.
In addition, you are forgetting another important factor in this fight: Urkel's glasses. Tattoo doesn't subscribe to that chivalrous rule where you can't hit someone with glasses. First, Urkel will be caught off guard, not used to people actually hitting him (since he has glasses). But more important, in one hit they will shatter, leaving the hapless Urkel to flail blindly against Tattoo's vicious assault. Unfortunately for Urkel, Tattoo's hawk-like vision offers no such weakness.
Finally, there is the mysterious question of Tattoo's outfit. White suit. Very suspicious. To all outward appearances, this is the outfit of someone in the Mafia. For all we know, he actually is. After all, he'd be good for odd jobs, such as crawling through air ducts to make a hit on a heavily guarded enemy. This implies years of training and experience, which will easily overcome Urkel's youthful vigor. In addition, we all know that they look out for each other in the "family." I wouldn't be surprised if a the barrel of a gun poked out from a nearby window and ended things for Urkel if he actually started to win. At any rate, Tattoo will be the victor in this match, and will drive away unscathed in his mini-station wagon-convertible.
For Family Matters links, visit Sitcoms Online.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match
Why? Simple. Tattoo, you see, was half-cool[TM]. On the other hand, any decent human being has a duty to kill Urkel on sight for the Good of Mankind(R). Tattoo has very little to do with the resolution of this fight. Erkel, you see, is under the same sort of danger as Salmon Rushdie-- too many people want him dead. When we see him here, he's in cognito ergo sum, or something. Anyway, he's disguised so he doesn't get messily slaughtered by the first person that sees him. His disguise, however, is rigged to work against normal people-- of normal height. Tattoo, on the other hand, recognized him immediately-- he can look up to see what's below the bill of that baseball cap. While Tattoo, given time, patience and his good buddy Kahn, could wipe the floor with Erkel, he's done his part. Erkel's cover is blown, and the general populace recognizes the Sitcom Kid in Their Mist, and acts accordingly. Pistols are unholstered, baseball bats are pulled out of car trunks, shotguns appear from under trench coats. Urkel quickly becomes a fine mist on the brick wall, grafitti displaying a grim reminder of what we do to sitcom kids in this part of town.
Now, on to the cast of Full House.
Where's my ax,
- Chris Opocensky
Urkel takes a swing at Tattoo and misses completely, spins out of control and hits the nearby building at its structural weak point. A huge crack forms in the wall, causing the building to collapse into the street, snapping power wires and shutting off electricity to the rest of the city. The street, unable to handle the pressure, crumbles, cutting water mains, natural gas lines and the sanitary sewer system. With the escape of the gas, explosions and the resulting fires gut the area while the fire department is rendered helpless without water pressure. As raw sewage runs through the streets, unparalleled panic breaks out complete with riots, one-hundred car pileups and looting. This stress on the Earth's crust forces a massive earthquake, followed by mudslides and sinkholes. Those that survive will be abducted by UFOs as hostile aliens use the perfect cover to gather specimens.
Meanwhile back at the Grudge Match(tm), Tattoo shouts "O #$%&! Da Plane! Da Plane!" just before he is crushed by a crash-landing 747 that collided with a pigeon while waiting for the air-traffic control systems to regain power.
"DID I DO THAT?" Tattoo would have been better off facing Godzilla.
- Paul Golba
Almost without warning, Urkel swoops in with a sudden, carefully calculated swipe. Tattoo, unable to duck, attempts to leap away from the whistling arms of death. His stubby legs propel him only so far, though, and his shirt front is sliced open, leaving a James T. Kirk - style gash across his rippling pecs.
Then he sees his chance. Urkel's long arms, weighted down by the unwieldy brass, continue their fearsome swing, out of control. They begin to wrap around his bean-pole frame.
Picking himself up off the blood-spattered pavement, Tattoo moves in with lightning speed, issuing powerful spear-like jabs to Urkel's flabby midsection. Urkel, arms still tightly ensnaring him, doubles over in pain, giving Tattoo his window of vengeance. Brass-encrusted meathooks of wrath pound into Urkel's pain-twisted face, embedding coke-bottle lens fragments deep into his eyes and skull. Blow after compact blow crashes upon Urkel. No movement is wasted by Tattoo, the fighting machine. He vents his rage upon Urkel's ravaged frame until his opponent falls.
Screaming in bloodlust, Tattoo raises his fists high into the air, his animalistic, tortured bellow shattering windows in buildings unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. Years of pent-up rage from being the picked-upon sidekick floods out of his tiny body. Alas, his small frame is unable to contain the waves of wrath and grief that pour forth in torrential flow, and he explodes, sending angry bits of himself across an entire neighborhood.
The 6-o'clock news reports the occurrence with a sad commentary on the futility of vengeance, and a weary nation grows just a bit wiser.
- Denes F. House (Tick Boy)
So there you have it. Tattoo in an intensly fought battle.
However, Tattoo is NOT alone! Bear in mind "Fantasy Island" starred Ricardo Montelban! Yes, when ABC - "The Man", so to speak, attacks, well then the hispanic anti-defamation leagues come into play! Led into battle by Caesar Romero, tastefully dressed as the Joker, millions upon millions of Latinos, disgruntled that they are not properly represented by Network America, will attack ABC; Network America is thus held in check.
(Note that African-American leagues will not support Urkel, because Tattoo is fighting for Webster, who is also black, yet MUCH more appealing to the public.)
Now it's Urkel vs. Tattoo: One shall stand. One shall fall. But how can Tattoo win? The secret; Herve Villechaise is DEAD! Experience and B-movies show that it is IMPOSSIBLE to kill walking cadavers, even short ones. So Urkel shall run, taking off his high heels in every scene (sorry, Kids in The Hall reference) while Tattoo, using the power of How A Zombie Can Keep Up With You Despite The Fact That They Never Run (patent pending), DESTROYS Urkel. The power of HAZCKUWYDTFTTNR (Patent Pending), also cancels out the "Tattoo can't run" ideology.
So Urkel is cornered by the preternaturally animated Tattoo. Will Tattoo, guardian of good, spare Urkel? NO! The answer is simple:
"Alas, where in the world have there been greater follies than with the compassionate? And what in the world has caused more suffering than the follies of the compassionate?" "Woe to all lovers who cannot surmount pity!" "Thus spoke the Devil to me once: Even God has his Hell; it is his love for man." "And I lately heard him say these words: God is dead; God has died of his pity for man." - Nietzsche
Tattoo HAS no pity! He is the "Uber-shorty", and using the glare from his white suit, focused through the glass of his pinky ring, INCINERATES Urkel.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
- Mike Farahbakhshian, Disco Lord of Tulsa (TM)
It's about damn time we got a Nietzsche reference! -Eds
- Noah Klein
- Chris Foster
- M. Wangel
Let's look at Urkel, after all. The man, besides his obvious fashion problems, and his Wesley Crusher like weakness, is a transvestite. While some transvestites a have been known to kick butt (Patrick Swayze ripped a man's throat out before he went on a mission with fellow MurderDeathKiller Wesley Snipes in drag), Urkel couldn't lick a postage stamp. When he dresses as a woman, his accent is even more annoying. Tattoo, with his columbian drug connections, has likely murdered many men with his bare hands. The Brass knuckles will surely only seal Urkel's fate, and leave Tattoo to show Laura pleasures she could never before have imagined (which, thankfully, the WWWF will not televise).
This is all assuming Urkel has no ready supply of Bruce Lee juice, as he has relied upon in the past to bolster his pathetic fighting abilities (likely Linda Lee decided he should no longer have access to any Bruce Body Fluids).
The comment was made that the victory should be Tattoo's because he is innately good on the show Fantasy Island, but yet it was also said that he showed an evil quality in his confrentation with James Bond.. 007. Yet he is also driven by another evil quality one scene in this dramatic depiction of pride, love, and "family"; and that of course is pure unadulturated revenge. Yes, I said revenge.
The plots of our characters' TV shows would try to reflect that revenge was never a solution to their problems, and hence they would either fail in their quest, or resolve the conflict within themselves to overcome their henderence.
So is Tattoo's revenge for his comrade an adequate excuse to achieve the moral quality of 'Good'? And is this his strongest vice in this unbounded conflict? I really do mean unbounded.
Through understanding of the TV World philosophy I am sure people could deduce their own outcome. There is only one victorious fighter in this battle and that is Tattoo though both parties display a certain quality and quanity of 'Evil' there is a purer intention on Tatto's part to win this fight. TV world has always carried the underdogs to the winner's circle. Tattoo is the perfect example of the 'underdog' label (ie short, stubby, and walks/runs at an unfortunate pace), but that is who he is.
- Brian Monroe
- ita anderson
- Lord Axe
When Tattoo does track him down, he will drop down from a fire escape, like a panther. They will wrestle around for a bit until Urkel breaks free and rises to his feet. "Hey, hey ,hey! Now you stop it! I'm a lover, not a fighter! You'll skuff my suit that I bought from K-mart special, for my beloved Laura!" Urkel will cry. Then, with a tear in his eye for America's swetheart, Tattoo will reply "Love, love? You dare speak to me of love! Your foolish school-boy crush is nothing compared to the feelings I have for that man, trapped in the body of a young black boy! My stomach burns with all the fires of hell, knowing what you have done to him!" And then ... Whammo!
- Daric 'Bobcat' Morris
Urkel is the most annoying character ever to grace a TV screen (yes, even outclassing those little snots from Full House and blasphemy blasphemy curse blasphemy BUD BUNDY himself!) This, and this alone, will decide the match.
"Did I do that?" he nasally whines. While the spectators writhe in agony on the ground from the repercussions of this psychic blow, Tattoo reels in pain, totally discombobulated and slack jawed with sheer Irritation Overload (tm). Urkel then can finish Tattoo off at his leisure, stomping him into the ground and leaving Webster sadly unavenged.
- Robin Shortt
Forget them, lets look at the backup they bring into the equation.
URKEL-The entire Chicago police force (Carl, Steve's "father" figure is a cop, an angry one that Urkel has stolen his limelight, but a cop nonetheless) and his dreaded Urkelbot, which always goes haywire. Plus, the Fresh Princess's cousin, who we all see he bagged on a recent episode. Very impressive.
TATTOO-Scaramanga and his Golden Gun, the best killer on Earth...and Mr. Rourke, who has immense illusion and reality bending powers. As we saw, Fantasy Island had dinosaurs, civil war soldiers, and tons of over the hill and relatively known 70's and 80's stars all controlled by one man...Rourke! Also, in the pilot episode, several of the guest of Fantasy Island died...the network didn't think that the show should be downbeat...so for all these years, Rourke has had the RAGE TO KILL tm inside him, seething at every Joey Bishop and Charo that soiled his beautiful island. Its time for payback and not even the entire TGIF line up can stop him (now if Full House hadn't been cancelled, there would have been a chance).
TATTOO (with Mr. Rourke) is on the ropes, but Rourke unleashes his mighty illusion of letting URKEL think he is actually already on the date with Laura and at the moment of the little death (as the oh so interesting French call an orgasm and lets for the moment assume since this is URKEL's fantasy he gets lucky) here comes Tattoo and Scaramanga with THE BIG DEATH: a Dodge Celica right through the heart! URKEL's remains are displayed to the eager and overjoyed public to earn enough money to reopen FANTASY ISLAND, where washed up stars can come to have fun and get a scale paycheck.
Erk may have the reach but,Tat's about the right height to use Erk's scrotum as a puinching bag. If Tat rushes him, one well placed shot would drop Erk to an equal level with Tat. Then its just a simple quick jab to bust Erk's big nose, leaving him wide open to the wrath of the Tat unleashed. It's just no contest after that.
- Jason R.
- Jonathon Maness
Tattoo is going to ruin Urkel's family stones while the latter will produce strange sounds of frequencies only known to extraterrestrial beings. After the sudden realization of his sterility, Urkel's need for Laura will naturally dissappear, and realizing that he has nothing left to fight for, he will forfeit the match and spend the rest of his life in tv movies with Macaulay Culkin. Tattoo in 20 seconds.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Gary Coleman v. Webster
Doogie Howser v. Niles Crane
Alf v. E.T.
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store
© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC