World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

After his devastating loss to Tattoo, Urkel lay in a heap in the dark alley. Several hours later, he was discovered and rushed to nearby St. Iglesias Hospital for emergency care. Alas, his recovery was unusually slow. His doctor had become quite concerned, so two specialists were brought in to see if they couldn't find out why Urkel was having difficulties.

The first specialist, Doogie Howser, walks forward and examines Urkel. "Hmmm. This is an obvious case of a ruptured mustela wisula causing pronounced vitifera complications. This man needs immediate surgery!"

The second specialist, Niles Crane, jumps to his feet. "You must be joking! Urkel is obviously suffering from post-traumatic repressed high-water-pants syndrome. He lacks the desire to heal! He needs immediate counseling!"

Doogie is outraged. "You sniveling quack! You don't know the first thing about medicine! This man will die unless I help him immediately!"

Niles grabs Doogie by his shirt. "All you doctors do is cut, cut, cut! His mind must be healed! It's all psychological! Now get out of here before you find your own self in need of surgery. I won't let you butcher this poor man!"

Doogie, convinced he is right, isn't going to let this slide. "Let's take this outside."

"Are you threatening me, you little rapscallion?! I'll tear you limb from limb!" With the gauntlet down, the two men enter into the side street next to the hospital. Piles of medical waste line the asphalt and buildings of this dark, dank alley. So Brian, who will win respect for his profession as well as the honor of treating the almighty Urkel?

Doogie Howser, M.D. Niles Crane, Frasier

Doogie Howser


Niles Crane

The Commentary

BRIAN: Niles in less time then it takes Doogie to shave his pre-pubescent chin fuzz, Steve. The reasons are almost too numerous to mention. First, you've obviously got The Rage (tm). We have all seen how repressed he has been for his entire life; clearly it's just a matter of time before he lashes back. And from his actions and words above, this looks like a whole new Niles. Second, you've got sexual tension. Not only has his wife just left him, but he's constantly tempted by Daphne, the sexy British housekeeper. Talk about your time bomb. Third, you have fashion-protection-syndrome. We all know that Niles will be dressed to the Nines; he always is. Even if Doogie gets the upper hand early, that would only mean that Niles' Armani (tm) will get soiled. Niles doesn't like it when people touch him, nevermind when they scuff his Bruno Magli (tm) shoes. Unfortunately for Doogie, any offensive move on his part would only lead to the creation of an inhuman killing machine.

Fourth, you've got the successful-spin-off factor. Niles will be able to feed off the best that other classic spin-off shows (such as Laverne & Shirley, The Jeffersons, and Baywatch Nights) have to offer. All Doogie has to draw from is the pool of child-actor-doctors such as... uh-oh. Fifth, you've got the latte factor. Undoubtedly Niles will be fresh off several cups of brazilian hazelnut mochaccino with a half-inch of low-fat foam and a whisp (not a hint, not a dash, but a whisp) of cinnamon. The ensuing caffeine rush will give him the strength of 10 psychiatrists and make him completely immune to pain. And sixth, you've got the invisible-spouse-factor. This puts Niles in the same category as Phyllis Lidstrom and Norm Peterson. Can Doogie even hope to compare with the greatness of the man that uttered such classic lines as "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear"? I don't think so, Steve. Clearly, too many things favor Niles and Doogie is going down for the count.

STEVE: Rage, rage, rage. You sound like a broken record. Doogie is going to eat Niles for breakfast. As much as Doogie annoys me, there is no doubt that Niles will be beaten to a pulp. Luckily for him the hospital is nearby. First of all, Doogie, being a medical doctor, has detailed knowledge of the human body. He knows where all the nerve endings, fragile bones, and vulnerable organs are. A few well placed hits and Niles will be reduced to a heap of quivering tissue. Even if Doogie gets hit a few times, what difference will it make? Even if Niles knows how to throw a punch, his hardest hit would barely be noticeable.

It's important to note who Doogie hangs out with. He's always accompanied by his friend Vinnie. Note the italian looks, slicked-back hair, and general attitude of this fellow. Undoubtedly, he is associated with the mafia. I wouldn't be surprised if Doogie performs special no-questions-asked bullet removal for these guys. Anyhow, it's always a bad idea to tangle with someone with organized crime connections. As Doogie heads outside, a call is made to the Godfather, and within minutes a few surly guys show up and take care of what is left of poor Niles. With any luck, his body may wash up in the harbor in a few weeks.

BRIAN: Oh, I see, Steve. You discount one of my points because it's been used before (does that make it any less true?) and then think that that will also discredit my other five points? Sorry, but our readers are a little too astute to let you get away with that trick. They're also too smart to ever think that Doogie's little playmate is even remotely cool enough to have mob ties. This kid couldn't even be an extra in The Lords of Flatbush nevermind a member of a significant Italian gang. And even if Doogie did have links to the mafia, it's not an insurmountable obstacle. After all, if George Pataki can defeat someone with mob ties, Niles Crane can as well.

And as far as Doogie's medical knowledge, he may know all about mustela wisula's and the Isles of Langerhans, but he knows precious little of the body part most needed now: cojones. He's a punk kid that won't even have the guts to defend himself. And besides, he took the Hippocratic Oath (tm). He is charged to heal, not to kill. When it comes down to it, he will care too much to actually harm his opponent. Niles, on the other hand, is not restricted by any of that touchy feely crap. Being a psychiatrist, and not a real doctor, he never took any oath that will restrict the ethical nature of his attack. Any fighter will tell you that a fight is at least half mental. And that's where Niles' morally questionable approach will focus, by talking to him as they circle each other: "So, Doogie, do you realize you're at the age when boys start questioning their sexual orientation?" "Do you ever think the pressures of making life and death decisions are too much for someone that should still be playing with Tonka products?" Much like our friend Miggs, Doogie will swallow his own tongue before Niles ever lays a hand on him.

STEVE: So now you're comparing Niles to Hannibal Lector? Now you're really grasping at straws. That's like comparing Dr. Ruth to Sigmund Freud. Especially since one is a puny, wimpy loser who only thinks about sex and the other is a domineering master of his trade. And I wouldn't worry about Doogie's Hippocratic Oath. By beating Niles into submission, he will obtain the opportunity to heal Urkel, thus giving him the loophole he needs to continue with the fight.

With all the medical waste laying about, Doogie has even more advantages. Look! A half-full syringe of anesthetic! Doogie darts to the pile of waste, and with a quick, specially trained flick of his wrist, Niles is going beddy-bye. Who knows what else Doogie might find in the alley? Maybe some malfunctioning Electro-Zap "I'm having a heart-attack" Paddles (tm) could be used as a taser. Or maybe a severed head could be used to just simply scare him away. You never know what you might find in a pile of medical debris.

Late that night, after Doogie has finished off Niles, and cured Urkel's ills, he sits back and ponders over the day's events on his high-tech PC Jr. computerized diary. "Dear Diary, Today I beat the living crap out of some weenie shrink. I guess no matter how small you are, no matter how puny or how wimpy, there is always somebody even wimpier than you." Click.

Thanks to our oldest fan HotBranch! (tm) for giving us the invisible-spouse concept (a long time ago).

For Frasier and Doogie Howser, M.D. links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Niles (1344)


Doogie (906)

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Voter Comments


[First, the Mafia] isn't what it use to be. Under increasing presure from law enforcement agencies, the Mafia is slowly cracking, and steadily being replaced by younger, nastier, more energetic criminal organizations. Not that the mob would be willing to help a loser like Vinny anyway.

Second, there is an episode of Doogie Howser that he got in a fight (I am embarassed to admit having watched any episode of that show). Anyway, first he punched at the other guy's groin, and when that didn't work, he slapped the other guy in the ear. Truly a pathetic display, but it shows that when it comes down to a fight, the boy knows nothing more than the things Homer Simpsons taught Bart in ten seconds.

Third, in a day of legalized abortions and doctor assissted suicides, it is arguable that the Hippocratic Oath is obsolete anyway, and since we will now take a more pragmatic approach to healing, we can see that it is in the best interests of human civilization for Urkel to die. This is more likely to occur from Dr. Crane's treatment than from Howser's. Besides if Howser loses Urkel, it will lead to a big long speech with his dad, about how hard it is to lose a patient, something none of us want to see. But if Niles gets him killed, it will be sure to be done in a humorous manner, where we can all celebrate the elimination of the most annoying figure this side of Wesley Crusher. So much like in the infamous Barney vs Wesley duel, it is likely that bystanders will interfere and help Niles win. Death to Doogie, Death to Urkel, Niles appointed to Surgeon General.

- Brendan W. Guy

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Niles Crane, noting that his opponent is about the same weight but only one-third of his age, feels good about his chances.
Frasier Crane: Oh, Niles! Leave him alone. For God's sakes, he's half your age.
Martin Crane: Knock it off, Frasier. It's about time one of you boys showed some manhood. Go get 'im, Niles.
Niles: Yes, Frasier. Besides, I'm feeling invigorated. For the first time in my life a bully is my size and I just might win. You're just jealous.
Frasier: Jealous?!? HA! If you're so invigorated, why is your lip quivering?
Niles: I believe in sports jargon this is called a "game" "face."
Martin: You tell 'im, Niles. Now go kick some doogie butt.
With that, Niles, rears back and wallops Doogie in the nose, drawing some blood.
Martin: See that, Frasier. My boy can really pack a punch when he wants to.
Frasier: Take a look at "your boy," Dad.
Martin looks over and sees Niles writhing in pain.
Niles: I think I broke my hand.
Martin: Nah, you're okay. Just some mid-fight jitters.
Frasier: Thank you, Doctor Dad. Let's just go home and put this ugliness behind us.
Doogie: Not so fast. I get my shot now, pretty boy.
Niles: Pretty boy? How dare you?
Frasier: Niles, look out.
Niles, seeing Doogie about to throw a punch, leaps into the air. Doogie throws a punch and Niles is knocked back to the ground.
Frasier: Okay, Doogie, if that is your real name, you win.
Martin: Niles, Niles! Are you okay?
Niles: I think so.
Martin: Why did you jump up in the air like that?
Niles: It's called "strategy".
Frasier: Pray tell, what kind of strategy includes jumping into the air?
Niles: Frasier, remember a couple years ago, at the Busner's lawn party? Well, Maris got into a quarrel with Estelle Gund about which chablis goes best with lobster. When the ensuing fight took off, Maris simply leaped into the air, and wisped away in the breeze like a feather. That was what I was trying to do.
Frasier: Yeah, well, if you'd unrepress more of your selective memory, you'd also recall she had to retire from the badminton game that night because the birdie kept knocking her over.
Niles: Once again, Frasier, you're correct. Correct, but jealous.
Frasier: Well, the important thing is you're okay. Let's go get something to drink.
Niles: Okay. You know, I think I could have gotten in a good second punch if I had landed within 10 feet of him.

- Mark Wentz

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

I'm going with Doogie. Although Niles has the advantage in reach, as soon as he gets inside, Doogie can put him away with a few headbuts. One or two punishing blows with that huge cranium would have anybody seeing stars.

- Doug Turnbull

Sadly, there will be no actual fight this time. Sure, standing within the sanitized confines of the hospital, hovering over Urkel's wretched form, theorizing about possible causes and remedies and knowing that each has his professinal integrity on the line, tempers flare and threats fly, to the point that someone says "let's take it outside!" - and to everyone's extreme shock and disbelief they actually go outside. But we all know that, while they both put up a good front of being angry enough to inflict bodily harm, neither has the mental - let alone physical - capacity to do so. So there they are in the alley, faced with broken glass, contaminated bio-waste and the threat of physical pain. Angry shouts of rage give way to the nervous laughter of two medi-geeks scared witless. They scan the alley; they look at each other; they walk around each other as if the punches will begin to fly at any moment, but each is secretly thinking the exact same thought: "How the hell do I get out of this without actually having to fight???" After a few moments of mutual stalling, Doogie makes some lame excuse about how he would love nothing more than to pound Niles into the pavement and make him beg for mercy, but he has to protect his healing hands - after all, he's expected in surgery the next morning at 8:00 sharp! And Niles - well, he would kill or die for the chance to teach that pimply pubescent upstart some respect, but needless to say he just isn't dressed for a fight ("do you know how much the shoes alone would cost to replace???") Each informs the other he was lucky this time, and they go their separate ways, breathing heavy sighs of relief, and leaving Urkel to his unfortunate fate.

- Shannon T.

Niles wins this, hands down. We're talking about someone who has more inner pressure than Rush Limbaugh's waistband. We've seen him tangle with Frazier, and be driven to the edge. Doogie has no sexual tension urging him on, just a manic depressive tendency. Every show, he complains, but always finds the quick answer. Niles never finds satisfaction, and that's what drives him to the edge. This is his fight, his final standoff. And if Doogie sets him, they're gonna be scraping Howser bits off the ER walls.

- Brian J. Prisco

Doogie will take a swing to test his parameters. Niles will back up to get out of arms length, tripping over a garbage can in the process and scraping his hand. Niles will faint from the sight of the blood on his hand, and Doogie, being used to those things, will walk back to the hospital to help his patient before Niles has a chance to come to. The End.

- Old Lady Crow

...and their epic-length street fight finally comes to an end, as both doctors lie unconscious on the pavement.

Meanwhile, Urkel is still in desperate need of medical care, but no doctors can be found! Doctor Nick Riviera is busy filming a new plastic surgery informercial. Doctor Ruth Westheimer is editing her new edition of "Sex for Dummies." Doctor Strangelove, Doctor Doom, Doctor Doctor Can't You See I'm Burning Burning, Doctor Livingstone I. Presume...none of them can be reached by phone or pager.

Finally, one doctor is located.

Doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Bye-bye, Urkel! [Fiendish Laughter]

- Geoduck

Niles Crane in 10 mins. I'm also predicting that Doogie doesn't pull through, and Vinnie comes after Niles to get revenge for wiping the floor with his only friend. Niles will win in 5 minutes in that match. Anyway, if Vinnie actually was cool enough to have Mafia (tm) ties, Niles already does (remember the parking ticket), and the Seattle Mafia (tm) could probably win out over some crappy little yuppie Mafia (tm) that Vinnie would hook up with.

- Matt Keeley (

Niles will win because anyone who wears Bruno Magli shoes (TM) has the mind of a proven killer.

- Nathan of Borg

Allies: Doogie may have La Cosa Nostra to back him up, but Niles has the advantage of being a member of the AMA. If anyone has ever demonstrated an insidious ability to control others and bend them to their wills, it is the American Medical Association (and their lobbyists). Please don't sue for libel, I have nothing.

- Hondo

Niles is doomed from the start, because of the specification that he must "win respect for his profession." Since his profession is psychiatry, this notion is not only impossible, but truly laughable. Niles will know this, and (being a psychiatrist) will believe that this knowledge will doom him to failure because of his subconcious. The fight won't be in him (let alone the vastly over-used Rage.) Doogie in 5 minutes.

- Morgan

There's also the Dad factor. Martin Crane is a former policeman, with a bum leg and a head full of common sense. Doogie Howser's Dad is another wimp doctor, whose only claim to fame seems to be spawning this kid. I could see Martin coaching Niles on this, and maybe slipping him a few nice little police weapons to help out. What's Dr. Howser gonna give Doogie--a laser scalpel? Granted, a scalpal is a nice weapon, but Doogie has to be careful, to protect his hands for surgery. And do you recall when Niles battled the German guy with the sword? Niles knows how to fight. If he can get the scalpal away from Doogie, it'll be a bloodbath, with the young genius doctor sliced up like a Moebius strip.

- lynnmh

Niles in at most five seconds, for one simple reason: experience. He has been in this situation before while defending his brother in a coffee shop. At some point during the opening taunts and bluster Doogie will accidently brush against Niles who will instantly throw himself against the wall and the slide down to the street. He will then cry out, "Help, I've been physically assaulted!"

Suddenly, throughout the hospital patients on crutches and in wheelchairs look around to find out that they are alone.

Before Nile's voice dies away Doogie's attention is drawn by a low rumble coming from the doors that they had just passed through. The doors explode into the street and a hoard of snarling, drooling lawyers pour out. They pause to sniff the air then slowly turn towards Doogie. Seeing the bloodlust in their eyes he shouts, "I barely touched him!"

Niles points and screams, "He admits it!"

Well, Doogie is sued by everyone from Niles to the AMA to Dana Scully for stealing her diary technique. He is forced to go back to school to learn air-conditioning repair, while Niles has his way with Urkel.

Oh, and Doogie isn't the only one with Mafia connections. If you'll remember, Niles is currently employing the wife of a Noted mob boss, so he is well protected.

- Josh Freeman

Doogie Howser...Child Prodigy
Wesley Crusher...Child Prodigy
Doogie looses and goes hangs out with Wesley in the Grudge Match loser pit.

- Jon

Hello!!!! I need more research here, guys. Which Doogie is this? The Doogie of the first three seasons, wussy virgin Doogie who delivers kids in shopping malls, and thinks about sex all the time? OR is it Non-Virgin Doogie, (and who can forget his lusty moments of passion with Wanda?) manly Doogie who, well thinks about sex all the time. There is a difference here, and that is MANLINESS!!! Does Niles have it no, he doesn't! And that is going to be a factor when he is in that dark ally freaking out over all the nasty medical refuse. Ew! What if he has to touch it, what if he steps in it? This is what will happen, providing we are talking about Non-Virgin Manly Doogie.

They step into the ally. Niles looks around him, used medical products, emptied bedpans, appendixes, you know, and he becomes so grossed out that he immediately goes comotose. Doogie rips his shirt off in a show of manliness, worthy of a costodial job in Springfield, but he has other thoughts:

"Why do I have to sit here, kicking the shit out of this guy, when I could be getting done with my job and screwing my girlfriend. Look at this quivering mass of non-manliness. What he needs is to get laid."

At which point, Doogie feels so sorry for Niles, that he only beats him slightly, and introduces him to Blondie, or Dolly or whatever that nurses name was.

"January 30, 1997... Isn't it odd that the glass is half full, and people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? I guess I should throw something clever, yet deep and touching here and just go to bed, yet I just can't stop thinking about sex. "

- janicem

So what you say is true. Doogie's wussy friend Vinnie may indeed have to rent any chest hair he would ever hope to have, and he's more akin to Vinnie Barbarino than Al Pacino on the Italian bad-ass scale, but what you are forgetting is this-Vinnie, like Doogie, and like all of us, has parents. Vinnie may not be a made man, but any bets on whether Pop is? Probably. Somebody's gotta look after that loser kid. One well placed whine or complaint and blammo-our pal Niles wakes up one day with a horse head on his pillow and a strong urge to leave town.

- Paul

Doogie is but minutes away from robbing a video store in real life. That might make him desperate. And we all know desperate men are tough...but angry people are also prone to making mistakes. Let us not forget genetics. Doogie's dad? Another doctor. Nile's dad? A cop who only retired because he got shot! Lets look at background. Doogie comes from a nuturing environment where everyone loves him and supports him. Niles lives in a world of derision. All the signs show that Niles is about to snap out of his shell into a parodoxysm of anger and hatred. If I had that crazy British girl flirting with me all the time...I'd be ready to explode as well. As for Vinny, isn't he legit 35 or 40? Bring his old wanna-be ass on. As someone of Italian descent and yes, with relatives somewhat connected, I daresay that he belongs as much in the family as Rip Taylor. The only cool thing Doogie ever did was sleep with his girlfriend who left him to star in MTV's Dead at 21. Heh heh, you know you're a loser when Jack Noseworthy steals your girl!

- masas panic

Niles is still bound by the Hippocratic Oath b/c - despite popular belief a psychiatrist is a REAL Doctor. They go to 4 years of med school and then do AT LEAST 4 years of residency. That's a year more than family medicine, pediatrics and internal medicine. As I recall poor Doogie hasn't even finished his residency.

During that extra year of training, Niles will have learned how to justify killing a fellow human without remorse and without "really" breaking his oath. Just think about all the time he had available to day dream while some poor lout lay on the couch droning on and on about some dribble. Thus, we see why Niles has an infinite armory on which to draw.

Should he, with a few well placed words, bring painful repressed memories of childhood abuse rushing to the surface or settle for the more subtle but equally debilitating innuendo about Doogie's failure to make it with Wanda? Either way, Doogie will be sufficiently disorentied that the tire iron contacting the temporal bone of his skull will produce a satisfying "smush" as the boy genius's brain is spill all over Niles' Bruno Magli (tm) shoes. Niles will return to Frazier's to have Daphne take this wardrobe to the cleaners and discover that this animalistic display of rage has won her over and they will proceed to "bump uglies" like there is no tomorrow.

- Psychiatrist in training

Niles wins hands-down. Why? Michael-Jackson syndrome. Doogie Howser is a child prodigy, which means he's under great pressure to succeed, maybe even beaten by his father for low test scores and the like. He's obviously being forced into an adult role, losing his childhood in the process. Doogie, in other words, is a bundle of neuroses. All Niles has to do is pick at his brain a little, and the floodgates open. Doogie breaks down in tears, then hysterical laughter, and men in white coats take him away in a straitjacket while Niles, rather than nurse Urkel back to health, puts him out of the collective misery of the planet.

- Visit my homepage at!
Dead link -- redirected to university homepage.

Ok Niles wins though they are both out cold by the time the match is over.Here's how I see it:

While Vinnie may have mob connections he's also a director.He won't have time to call Tony and his crew because he'll be filming the whole damn fight.Now that that point is taken care of ,lets get on with the fight shall we?

Doogie hits Niles with a pair of forceps but then is then beaned in turn by a fastball,he looks around and sees Sam "Mayday" Malone,hey Niles has some connections too.While Doogie is distracted Cliff comes in and starts boring him with the fascinating details about the life of the hawaiian guava moth.When hes starting to get drowsy,Woody and Carla beat him to a bloody pulp.To make sure he doesnt get up,Norm sits down and has a beer.Niles win but its not over folks.

Norm brought along Vera.When Niles sees Vera,all he think of is that Maris must have been drugged and has false memories implanted into her.He tries to convince her of their past life together but all she can do is slap his whimpering head in.

- Heccy

Come on, now. Neither one of these twerps is going to throw a single punch. It's just a matter of who will be able to bore the other one to death with their incessant talking.

Doogie's going to run out of things to say about three hours before Niles is finished just with talking about what Freud would have to say about Doogie. I don't see him lasting that long, but even if he does Niles has Jungian, Neo-Freudian, Piagetian, Neo-Piagetian, Skinnerian, Rogerian, Pavlovian, Ericksonian theories to back him up, not to mention the 5-factor model, attribution theory, and a whole host of other models and theories.

Doogie will crumble. No doubt about it.

- James Whitney
Nature teaches us that aggressive, or killer, instincts are learned. Doogie's father is an annoyingly understanding and warm middle aged man. He is accustomed to the luxurious life of a surgeon, and thusly, has lost the "killer instinct" to pass on to Doogie.

Niles, on the other hand, was raised by a drunken, belligerent ex-cop who continually subjects Niles to beatings with a metal cane to keep him sharp.

Welcome to the jungle, baby...lil' 'silver spoon boy' is today's entree.

- Brian Kutner

Doogie circles Niles with a poor imitation of the Ali Shuffle. "I'm gonna mop the alley with your pasty gluteus."

Niles gasps. "Oh, no! Three-syllable words! I'm petrified! And stay still! How am I supposed to pummel you if you don't stay still?"

Suddenly, a dark shadow passes over them, gliding to the pavement. Niles turns in alarm, only to be flung effortlessly through the air and into a dumpster.

Doogie starts backing away, as the intruder advances menacingly. "Hey, mind your own business," he says in a pathetic attempt at a snarl. "Uh, wait, maybe we can work this out. Violence isn't the answer. Security!" His voice is high and cracking by now, and doens't carry. He feels a cold, hard wall at his back, then the grip of gloved hands on his collar. "WHAT ARE YOU?!?" he shrieks.

The caped figure lifts him off the ground. "I'm Batman. At least for this movie."

The Dark Knight(TM) draws back a fist. Doogie flinches, cracks his head against the wall, and slumps unconscious. Batman sneers beneath his cowl, drops the Boy Blunder, and swoops into the hospital.

Moments later, the costume of his secret identity safely hidden away, Doctor Doug Ross enters Urkel's room. He completes the miracle cure in five minutes, with a well-placed chirporactic twist and a short lesson in how to impress chicks. Healed in mind and body, Urkel leaves the hospital a new man, no longer needing alter-egos to lead a fulfilling life.

The same cannot be said for Ross/Batman -- but that's the price you pay for being a superhero. That and hit pieces by Entertainment Tonight.

- Call me Shane

Well, there's some factors that were overlooked in this brawl. First of all, you mention Niles being repressed, but the truth is, any youngster like Doogie who was forced into doing proctology exams and the like at such an age when most kids are playing with Legos (tm) is bound to be a bit of a time bomb himself. This is a kid who had a Laker Girl (tm) in his apartment, and could barely bring himself to kiss her. Serious issues there. Secondly, there's Niles' shoes...if they're (allegedly) too ugly for O.J., no one on the planet should own them. Third, the Doogster is used to doing his dirty work with his hands. I'd definitely choose a wimp who knows which end of a scalpel is up over a wimp whose only skills involve telling people their mother is to blame for everything but the Lindbergh kidnapping.

Doogie then returns inside to save America from the scourge that is Urkel, Kevorking him with a needle full of antifreeze. The only thing that made this fight worth winning was the threat that Urkel might make it out alive.

- Mal Practice

Hmm my original though was that if Niles can survive being married to Maris, then He could surrvive anything. But now I realized that Viney would carry Dougie over the top in this bout. Viney was in the musical Newsiews, and in Ed Wood. Trust me, if Viney's singing won't destroy Niles, then the incredible badness of Plan 9 will, and to make matters worse for Niles, Vinney's got Tor Johnson Backing him up.

Niles could get Fraisure to help him out, but their squabling would prevent them from being an effective tag team. Dougie and Vinney on the other hand go together like Sour Cream & Onion. Its just no contest.


Did anyone in the studio audience ever laugh at Doogie's jokes? No. WAS there even a studio audience? No. How many times per episode does the studio audience fall out of their chairs guffawing at the wild and crazy antics of Niles "God" Crane? On average, 45.6. Using a terribly complicated mathmatical formula to complex too put here, my 286 here has determined that:


Whoops. Put in the wrong information. I do that sometimes. Trying again, my wonder computer says:


With a total monopoly on fan support (as measured in LPM's (Laughs Per Microsecond), and a really cool tie, Dr. Niles M. Crane, Ph.D kicks some prepubescent kiddie doc ass.

- Czyz

Well, we have a pretty even match here. Both have the physiques of 15-year olds, but Niles has the advantage. Being a phsychologist, Niles is used to dealing with patients who are a little bit on the other side of the sanity-fence who would probalby like to do nothing more than wrap their hands around his windpipe and choke him into oblivion. What these fruitcakes and Doogie are not aware of is that Niles is a martial arts expert, and after Doogie gets in the first shot, Niles incorporates a blend of Aiki-jutsu, Aikido and Jiu-jitsu to clean the floor with Doogie. Minutes, nay, scant seconds after Doogie gets in the first shot (his only one of the match, I might add) Niles folds him into a pretzel and deposits him in a nearby garbage can with a thunk that brings the other doctors running.

"My God! He's been folded in half! He's lost feeling in his legs and he's bleeding internally! The human body was not meant to fold like that! We'll have to operate!"

Niles smile and cracks his knuckles before wading into the waiting crowd of doctors to explain why he feels surgery is unnecessary...

- Eeyore

I'm pretty much voting for Niles not so much because I like the snivelling, British-wannabe, hanging-on-his-brother's-coattails Niles, but beacuase of my deepseated loathing for all things Doogie. Barney? He's kinda cute if you squint hard enough. Wesley? He whines like Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars movie, so maybe there's hope for him after all. Doogie? DIE, DOOGIE, DIE!

When I was a young student, I had a reputation as a smart kid; and some insensitive boor nailed me with the nickname of--you guessed it--Doogie Howser. You can imagine the torment and anguish. It has taken years of intensive therapy to get me to my current state of mental balance. Hence, I will greatly enjoy it as Niles causes him to swallow his tongue, then beats him with a policeman's nightstick; afterwards Mr Crane and I will enjoy the Doogster's liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Rage? I got your rage right here, baby.

- Crazy Matt--Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know.

Once again our intrepid, if myopic, commentators overlook a crucial factor, everyone's favorite commedic device:


She's got Niles, Conan's older, meaner brother p-whipped into submission. If she's conquered this towering pillar of manhood, this little pencil-necked medi-geek will be wrapped around her finger in a windsor knot. Maris hears that this weaselly little Pimply-Faced Youth is kicking around her punching bag, she'll soon get (as Rambo once put it after losing a firefight to her wrath) 'ugly mean.' Niles, though he would, almost certainly, turn Doogie into a fine red mist, he'll never get the chance-- Maris will have her claws in his neck before he gets to throw a punch.

- Rosencrantz

One should never underestimate the power of a angry sexually repressed adult male. After all, wars were started so that a sexually repressed male could "get some" (Trojan). Niles, in the amount of time sex with daphney would take.

- mess

Although this is supposed to be a one on one match I can't ignore the supporting cast of each of the combatants. Niles of course has Frasier, Roz, Martin, Bulldog, and we cannot forget Eddie. Doogie has Vinnie, that nurse in the hospital, that other young doctor, his mom and dad, and those two girls that always hang out with him. It's no contest. Frasier has had to put up with Lilith his entire TV life, Roz is tougher and meaner than most guys I know, Martin is an ex-cop, and Eddie is the cute loveable pooch that was turned into a vicious killing machine in the Mask. Where's the killer instinct on Doogie's team? Exactly, there isn't any. The only possible advantage Doogie has are Vinnie and Doogie's respective girl friends, who could theoretically whine their way to victory. My vote goes to Niles and the gang. In fact, they'll wipe out Doogie in enough time for Frasier to talk about it on his next broadcast.

- DrewyM.

Okay, this one was a hands-down, easy ass-kicking for Niles... While both sides had some good arguments as to why their man should emerge victorious, as is often the case, the most important argument is the one that was never brought up... Niles has the big advantage over Doogie that no amount of medical knowledge will ever counter - The Sibling Shit-Kicking Factor (tm?)... As an only child, Doogie has never experienced the Sibling Shit-Kicking, as Niles will most definitely have, possibly from both sides of the event... Siblings regularly beat each other to a pulp (yes, even future shrinks like Niles and Fraser - "Hey, who took my notes on psycho-neurotic-impulses-in-middle-aged-males-who-want-to-be-teenage-females? Niles, you little shit, get back here with my stuff!! )...

And so, there would be no way for Doogie to have even the slightest of chances, since nothing he could do could possibly even the odds while Niles has years of Bloody Brotherly Bashing (tm) under his belt...

- Fistandantilus of Montreal

The important factor to remember in this match up is the child star point. Think about other child stars... Cuddly Jerry "The Beav" Mather offs himself in a fit of depression. Danny Bonaduce beats up transvestite prostitutes and we can't forget about the Diff'rent Strokes gang: Dana Plato holding up a porn video store in Vegas, Willis stabbed a man and I don't even need to talk about Gary Coleman.

All of this shows that Doogie Howser is a seething cocktail of suppressed adolescent anxiety, seething with angst, boiling with (dare I say) rage(tm)? All that Niles has going for him is that he can banter well and wears natty argyle socks.

Urkel's insides will be outside in no more than 10 minutes flat.

- Paco Picopiedra

I have to believe that Niles will kick the Doogster's shiny, nubile, prepubescent hiney rather easily for the following obscure reasons.

1) Reality: Which is more likely to exist, an uppity neo-yup relative of a shrink in Seattle or a 15-year-old MD. According to exhaustive research (okay, I called my doc and asked him if he knew any teenaged doctors - Nope!), it is obvious that Doogie does not exist, herego Niles wins.

2) Nielson ratings: Niles wins based on his #5 rating in the local TV ratings. Syndicated Doogie runs in the low 40s on some obscure VHF channel. Based on households, Niles mows him over!

3) Developed Secondary Sex Characteristics: Niles has got gallons of raw testosterone coursing through his veins and an object of sexual Rage (TM) at which to direct it. Doogie's undescended jewels and nubile, prepubescence just can't measure up to Niles, the seething volcono of virile manhood.

- Science Jim

(Black screen with white text reading "Women, can't live with 'em..." fades to scene in alley.)

Just as the two are about to reconcile after agreeing that the alley is too forbidding for both of them, the tantalizing Daphne appears on the scene. With Niles in mind (she's long since known about his unquenchable desire to merely feel her bum...), she comes on to Doogie like lint on a lollipop. Doogie's hormones take over and he loses all reasoning ability.

Seeing Daphne flirt shamelessly with the young fellow (who, Niles has to admit, IS at his sexual peak), Niles loses it. He rapidly performs a five hit maneuver, featuring his family-style CRANE kick. Doogie, luckily somewhat numb with anticipation, doesn't even feel his head separate from his torso.

Daphne then goes on tormenting Niles, the deliverer of Urkel's miracle psychological cure, and everything ends up just about where it started off for the next episode (canned laughter, applause).

- WVU Chuck

Niles in a very close match, but for none of the reasons you mention.

Let's face it, Doogie is a "do-gooder," and while he may have the edge in the "general smarts" department. Doogie is always fretting about whether or not he "did the right thing," and will doubtlessly hesitate to finish Niles off. Niles, on the other hand, has no qualms with doing the wrong thing if it will do him some good (ie...get him back Maris, or Daphne). The man has associated himself with underworld characters just to get traffic tickets taken care of, for crying out loud.

As for Vinny, since when has he actually been -helpful- to Doogie? As far as I can remember, Vinny has always been causing Doogie problems, and if he's even -there-, he will be easily distracted by a nurse, leaving Doogie one-on-one with Niles. This guy couldn't even help Doogie beat the crud out of Kevin Arnold's nerdy friend from "The Wonder Years."

- Trevin

Niles would emerge supreme for the simple reason that, although Doogie may be book-smart, he knows diddly about the human psyche. Witness his dating history, or lack therof! Niles would be wise to engage Doogie in some standard pre-brawl posturing, such as asking him why he feels a puerile urge to solve a professional dispute with violence. Could it be the pressure of early success? The constant urging of his parents to excel? The derisive jibes by his peers in the medical profession? The failure of women to take his pathetic advances seriously? Does he feel traumatized by his lost childhood, cheated of the youthful innocence he has never known? Once Niles has Doogie's attention on these issues, the wimpy geek doctor would show his true colors by breaking down and sobbing like a girl. Having no equivalent medical issues to raise with Niles, Doogie would be easy prey; Niles, though slight in build, seems reasonably healthy.

Once Doogie has gotten in touch with his inner child (or inner toddler, in his case), Niles will have already brained him with a garbage can and left him bleeding in the gutter. Don't fret for Doogie, however. Having realized how screwed up he really is, he'll turn around and sue his parents, take the settlement and move in with Michael Jackson.

- Bill Lindich

Remember, Niles has had contact with the crime boss who 'fixed' his legal problems for him in exchange for having Frasier convince his fiancee to marry him. Niles has seen the ugly underbelly of the crime world and will use this to his advantage as he teaches Doogie a whole new song about anatomy "The foot bone's connected to the tail bone..."

- Jeff Fox

Doogie Vs. Niles? You guys both left out the age factor. Doogie is young and full of piss and vinagar, while Niles is probably in his forties and having ulcer or prostate problems. Also, Doogie can prescribe drugs. Doogie most likely is some kind of barbituate freak, able to take several bullets by passing gang members before he notices that his chest feels kind of itchy. Niles doesn't have a chance against Doogie.

- Spiffo

They both lose. Once they get outside, Doogie launches a right hand at Niles. Doogie has the co-ordination of a pro athlete. Unfortunately, it is a New York Jet. He misses, crunching his hand into the brick wall, giving himself a classic boxer's fracture of the metacarpals. Niles, whose only things he has in common with boxers are the shorts, faints that someone had the temerity to assualt him, however unsuccessfully. The bout ends with Doogie cradling his hand crying over the damage to his suturing hand, and Niles passed out face down in a messy Depends (tm).

- EdK

This fight basically comes down to outcast youth vs. grown-up version of would-have-been-picked-on-if-not-at-private-school youth. Doog, as much as I hate to say it, does have, by virtue of age alone, at least some vestigial bicep muscle. Imagine, also, how much crap he had to put up with from the other academically threatened high school kids, or how hard he had to push through a crowd to get his eight year old body up to the keg at undergraduate parties, or finally, how much endurance he developed telling anxiously awaiting families in the waiting room that yet another patient died on his operating table due to the insane medical licensing standards which allow prepubescents to perform complex surgery. (It's even sadder to think about the last panicky thought of the patient as the gas is hitting him and he looks up to this a joke?...who's this kid with the knife?...the glare off that movie-screen-sized forehead of his alone guarantees code blue surgery conditions!...AAaaaagggghhhh!!!) I'm sure Dr. Doogie has dealt with a few waiting room butt-thrashings and is a stronger man for it. Niles, has been pampered. His complexion puts him in the same genre as Cabin Boy who only stopped powdering his behind when he was eighteen. I like Niles, but I gotta give this one to the one who has been worked over by the cruel hands of a jealous world.

- Adamius Rex

Okay, it's gotta be Doogie by a furlong here. Five reasons why.

- Kilgore Trout

Gotta go with Doogie all the way!!! Have we forgotten that Doogie has actually been in a fight! Did we forget the fateful episode where he went back to school and duked it out with biggest jock in the place. AND held his own if I may add. While the two times Niles confronted bullies from his past he psychologized his way out of the mess clearly indicating he is all talk and NO action!!! Doogie is the MAN!

- Doogie All the Way!

Doogie Howser is linked to Vinnie. That's it.

Niles Crane is linked to Frasier Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer.
Kelsey Grammer is linked to Kirstie Alley through Cheers.
Kirstie Alley is linked to John Travolta from Look Who's Talking.
John Travolta is linked to Christian Slater in Broken Arrow.
Christian Slater is linked to Kevin Bacon in Murder in the First.

Niles Crane wins because he has the Kevin Bacon connection.

- Third Acolyte, Church of Kevin Bacon

Neil Patrick Harris was in Clara's Heart with Whoopi Goldberg
who was in
Ghost with Demi Moore
who was in
A Few Good Men with...
(There's even a shorter link if you use Kathleen Quinlan) -Eds.

This fight will clearly have no winners. You have to remember that these two people are in the presense of the most destructive force in the known universe: URKEL. Even in a coma, he is the Master of Disaster. The Duke of Destruction. The... well you get the idea. Doogie takes one swing at Niles, misses at hits a bag of unmarked medical waste. This will dislodge a cockroach, which will scurry into a broom closet, which will cause a box of matches to fall off a shelf and light against a leaking but full oxygen tank. BOOM!!! All that is left of this scene is Urkel, unscratched, sitting up and yawning "DID I DO THAT?!"

- PG-13(tm)

I am utterly stunned that neither Steve nor Brian brought up the Three Name Celebrity Factor (TM). And though it's a close call, Neil Patrick Harris beats out David Hyde Pierce on the Triple Word Score (TM).

- Greg Wymer

First, let me just say that this behavior is really out of character for Doogie. Since he's a character which is supposed to teach us lots of neat moral lessons (he even types them on his computer for us at the end of the show!), Doogie should have tried to talk his way out of it. Since he didn't, he'll obviously have a change of heart and try to back out of it. Niles, who is a character designed for a situational comedy, will instead to the funny thing and kick Doogie's ass. Let's remember that Niles is quite adept with a sword (he fought with one against that famous swordsman for Maris, remember?) I'm sure that a person with Nile's intelligence will be able to find something long and hard like a broom handle in a hospital. With that and the previously mentioned psychological skill, Niles will leave Doogie a psychological and physical wreck after caning him to teach respect for his elders.

- Reverend

As anyone who has watched the show (most likely by accident) will attest, Doogie Howser's head is incredibly out of proportion to his body. Now in most species, the head of the young is of an exaggerated size, but really, this is way beyond anything a thinking, feeling God would have created. It's like those gigantic paper-mache mannequins you see dancing around at Mardi Gras. Something like this must necessarily have been the product of fearsome natural selection. I have always speculated that these dancing head-beasts would be fearsome enemies - one swipe from that noggin and you'd be paste, you'd be nougat.

So in evaluating the battle of cranium vs. Crane, as always, you give the fight to the guy that best uses his head.

- Thinkmaster General

Niles being of little scruples would most likely cheat, Doogie is to goody-goody. Besides Niles is loaded and could afford to have Doogie taken care of. His quick whit would stun the straight laced Doogster into a confusion for years to come...

- S. M. Finger*

OK, this is how it is. Niles will wipe Doogie up in this one. Look at it this way: who has what going for them?

1) Niles's father is an experienced, grizzled, veteran law enforcer. Surely he has taught his son some of his expertise. Also, his brother is involved in drugs, so you know he is some sort of lowlife, having ties with some very surly fellows indeed, ready to help out the brother of their pal. And come on, with a name like Niles, I bet he had to fight his way out of some name-calling instances as a kid. And, as was mentioned before, he is definitely a time bomb waiting to go off. I wouldn't want to be in the Doog's shoes tonight.

2) Doogie. His dad's a doctor. This won't aid in his ability to kick butt. He may be able to get at the debris laying in the alley, but won't ever get the chance to use it. Also, Doogie was pampered as a kid. Child geniuses aren't exactly common, so he was watched carefully by his folks. I'm sure all his friends love his cute little nick-name, too. The only hatred he's ever faced is from pimple-faced nerds awaiting entrance to med. school, not ruffians such as Frazier (and remember, Frazier spent a lot of time in bars. Don't you think he taught his brother some of the tricks of hand-to-hand combat?)

And this is why I see this one as a wash. As soon as Niles gets in the first punch, he will revel in the excitement of power, pummelling the teen doc to submission.

- Adam B.

So, this week it's Niles & Doogie face to face in a battle royal to the death. Who would win? In a nutshell, the Dooginator. How, one might ask, could a scrawny, pimply-faced, squeaky voiced, one-shot-at-stardom, washed up teen actor defeat Niles Crane? I mean, Niles is an intellectual powerhouse brimming over with blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryan "Mock" Vulnerability(tm)?

The answer all boils down to the allies each will call upon to do battle. I say "will call upon" because neither is willing to actually dirty their hands in a real fight. We all know that Miles is a vain clotheshorse. He'll make a lot of threating statements like "Why, if I weren't on my way over to the Melnick Foundation Charity Benefit for Pre-Pubescent Medical Students, I'd show you a thing or two about fisticuffs!", but it's all just a smokescreen. In reality, he's even more afraid of his duds getting soiled that he is of getting his dapper butt kicked in a good-old-fashioned, All-American Catfight(tm). Lets face it, all Niles is good for is quoting watered-down Freud on a studio teleprompter written by some underpaid NBC script consultant.

Doogie's no powerhouse either. He diagnoses patients like Peter Brady the day his voice broke. He can't do anything with conviction because everything he does Even he realizes it. A teen doctor comedy-drama? A name like Doogie? He won't dare make a move until "developed for television" is added to his show's opening credits (and it got CANCELED so it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN!).

And frankly, there's the WUSS FACTOR(tm). They both have it in spades. So it all boils down to who they can get to fight for them.

Imagine if you will, the following scene:

Niles:"Well young man, if I cannot dissuade you with reason, then I 
guess I'll have to resort to brute force!"
Niles snaps his fingers dramatically several times until he gets it 
right.  A limo pulls up at the end of the alleyway, and a door opens. 
 Eddie the dog bounds out and barrels down the alleyway, stopping 
abruptly at Niles' feet, staring attentively upward.
Niles:(Points at Doogie) "Go on Eddie, teach him a lesson."
Eddie looks at Doogie, then at Niles. Doogie, then Niles.  Suddenly he 
starts tearing at Niles' designer shoes. 
Just then, Doogie's Pager starts beeping.
Doogie:"Um, I've gotta make a phone call. Be back in a sec."
He pulls a cellular phone out of his pocket.  In less than a 
poorly scripted minute, he's delivered a baby, got a date for the 
prom, and had a heart to heart talk with his parents about taking out 
the trash.
Niles:(Swatting at Eddie)"You come back here and fight like a man!"
Doogie:"Be there in a minute, I've just got to make some phone calls!"
Exactly a minute later, Doogie puts away his phone and walks up to 
Niles.  Niles is finally extracting Eddie from his shoes.
Doogie:"Um. Problem with your dog?"
Niles:(Very Angry)"None whatsoever. Now young man, prepare yourself to 
meet your maker!"
Doogie:(pointing down alley)"I think THEY might have something to say 
about that."
A terrible howling fills the alleyway.  Surging under, over, and 
through the limo are every disgruntled teen actor whose career went 
down the toilet the day puberty arrived.  Ricky Schroeder, Dana Plato, 
Alisa Milano, Drew Barrymore, Macauley Kulkin, Punky Brewster, even 
that guy who played Dennis the Menace in the fifties, before he got 
hopped up on Angel Dust, they're all here armed with hatchets, bats 
and knives.
  The prison-muscled, steel-helmeted body of Todd Bridges strides up 
to the terrifed Dr. Crane. Gary Coleman rides piggyback, wielding a 
G.Coleman:(points haughtily at Niles)"Hey, are you the guy who's been 
messin' with my-MAIN-man Doogey?"
Niles:"Uh, I'm sorry sir, I don't believe I'd had the pleasure of 
meeting you..."
G.Coleman:"I AM MASTERBLASTER!  What's the matter?  Don't you watch 
T.Bridges:(breathing heavily)"Uhrrrr...urf, urf...RRRRR"
G.Coleman:(bangs helmet with shotgun)"What you talkin' about WILLIS?"
The actors surround Niles menacingly, all except Alisa Milano and Drew 
Barrymore, who are fighting over which is the REAL Poison Ivy.

I'll bet you are thinking that Niles has the psychiatric know-how to take on this herd of codependent misfits. I'll bet you're thinking that reducing them to sobbing piles of emotionally wet cabbage is enough to save his sorry ass. Not so!

Oh sure, Niles will TRY to talk them down, but nothing--I mean NOTHING, not past life progression, not touch therapy, not even an improvised search for Kim Field's Inner Child(tm) can save Niles from Team "Bochco": the entire cast of Cop Rock. They rush down the alleyway, a mad cross between the Statler Brothers and the cast of Bob Fosse's "Dancin'" in SWAT fatigues. With cries of "Wringing in the Sheaves", they tear apart the struggling Niles like so much fresh bread.

The victory goes to Dr. Howser and his hell-brood of deranged child actors. 'Nuff said.

- Charles In Charge

Tsk factor that Brian forgot will make this a shoo-in for Niles. He has training in the real man's weapon. That's right, NIles fences. And he doesn't fence any old weapon....oh on...he fenc. And sabre fencers have cojones, believe you me. After Doogie gets sabre whipped a couple of times, he'll be running home to write in his little computer journal so he can record his shame so his descendants can get a good life. Oh, and Doogie was dumped by a girl named Wanda. 'nuff said.

- El Squid

Doogie would win easily. Doogie's pal, Vinnie has something much better than mob ties, he worked with ED WOOD!!!! Vinnie, Eddie, Bela, and the entire entourage would show up. Vampira would try seducing poor Niles, Bela wouldn't be much help, though. He'd go around bad-mouthing Boris Karloff and searching through the medical waste, to fuel his addiction. Unless Niles can produce an angora sweater to bribe the famed Z-movie director, he'll be overcome by the rancid odor of Tor Johnson before you can say "Glen/Glenda."

- Noel Schornhorst

A modern TV tragedy with missing parts

The scene opens as Niles & Doogie face off in the alley. Niles gets his first girly slap in and bloodies the Doog-Lord's nose. But as shrinks are failed wanna-be surgeons who could not stand the sight of blood, he faints dead away. During this fainting spell Dr. Doog runs back into the hospital and with lightning speed works over Urkel and produces ROBO-URKEL... Robo-Urkel clomps out and finds the still swooning, this guy is such a wimp that he still gets "the vapors", Niles Crane and grabbing him by the scruff of the neck drags him back to the Urkel home.

Throwing the still limp and unresponsive Niles Crane into his limited transmografier Robo-Urkel sets the dial for pure essence. Bursting through the basement door, scrambling awkwardly to the rescue, comes Dr. Frasier Crane. Panting after this unusual physical exertion he stands open mouthed like a stunned carp as the necessary cheesy special effects wind down. The door hisses open, all action freezes and out from the chamber steps Diane Chambers.

"Oh, Frasier. I just couldn't live out my life without you. I secretly had a sex change operation and some plastic surgery to swap places with Niles. He's now living the life of Sven, a Swedish interior decorator can you ever forgive me? Don't I still look great in light peach business suits?" Frasier's eyes dart around the basement and seeing a length of pipe snatches it and starts to advance on Robo-Urkel. Robo-Urkel immediately reacts and shoots Frazier seven times. Diane falls to her knees and begins to wail.

As Diane's cries bleat mechanically from the Robo monitor speakers Dr. Howser leans back in his chair, over-rides the safeties and instructs Robo-Urkel to kick Diane through the nearest brick wall. Splat, drip. Ah, yes. Just another day at OCS's HMO.

Doog-Lord rules

- Worson Ells

I started this response as a quest to satsify my own personal biases. Sure, Doogie is a bit more burly than Niles (who is the only known human less buff than the Doogster). Basically, Niles is Kooler than Doogie, so must win this victory for the Truly-Intelligent(TM) everywhere, teaching the TV's-Conception-of-Intellegent(C) a thing or pi. Niles is a witty embodiment of the effete hothouse orchid. Doogie is only unintentionally hilarious -- he was intended to be (of all awful things) Heartwarming 'n' Inspirational (TM).

I think there is sufficient evidence to back me up. All Niles will have to do is use the combat skills that he demonstrated in the "Ettiquette" episode of Frasier. If you recall, Niles was pitted against some troglodyte selected at random from the Great Unwashed (TM). Now, Niles does not have THE RAGE (TM), rather, he has THE ANGST (TM). Therefore, he is unburdened by some simean, Stallone-like need to fight with dignity. In short, Niles takes a dive. Then, his razor sharp intellect savagely skewers his underequipped opponent. Niles says the words most fearful to the post-modern would-be pugilist. "I have pain. I have suffering. I have a lawyer."

The lawsuit threat worked on the monosyllable-grunting creting at the Cafe Nervosa -- Can you imagine the effect on Boogie, er, Doogie? He is, after all, a doctor, and mortally afraid of lawsuits.

Niles will stagger from the alley, leaving Doogie crouched and wimpering in fear behind the Biohazard waste unit. As he rounds the corner, the little slip of a psychiatrist straightens his tie, and checks to make sure his opera ticket didn't get crumpled. He goes into the hospital and treats the patients brilliantly. When he leaves them, they are to distracted by disturbing mother fantasies to remember their previous "issues."

- Killer Biscuit, Queen of All she Sees

I think Niles would win because he would start talking about a bunch of boring crap and fall asleep. Damn,this response really sucks.

- My name sucks too.

[Yeah, even though it does suck, I decided to include it in the hopes of limiting you to only 1 or 2 responses per match.]

I personally buried Doogie (aka Neil Patrick Harris) up to his neck in sand about 15 years ago. He hardly let out a peep in protest (He had a huge crush on my sister at the time.) and actually seemed, in some perverse sort of way, to enjoy the experience. Due to my personal experience with seeing Doogie in a life-threatening situation (How was he to know that we would stop at his neck?), I have to go with Niles.

Niles has that One-head-dunk-in-the-toilet-away-from-sheer-lunacy look about him most of the time anyway. This impertinent questioning of his professional opinion by a Wesley-Crusher-wannabe should permanently reserve his suite in the Bedlam Hilton. As anyone who has ever been in a bar fight knows, it's not the 6'4" linebacker with a black belt in karate that you have to worry about. The real danger is the little guy in the corner with the facial tic who keeps demanding, "Peter, what is the frequency?" every time the barmaid passes his table. THAT'S the guy you'd better keep an eye on.

My guess would be that Doogie continues to try to reason with Niles as Niles cheerfully chews Doogie's carotid artery right out of his neck. Niles wins after Doogie goes into hypovolemic shock.

- Der Schlongerfrager

When I commented earlier I forgot one very important factor. Doogie has actually played bad ass characters before. There was an episode of Quantum Leap where he played a college Football player/general bully-type. Niles on the other hand has only played a Depressed/wimpy son-in-law/congressman on some Sitcom which thankfully I barely remember. This character was even more ineffectual than Niles. If it weren't for his medication he would have been catatonic. Doogie in three swings.

- The Guy Formerly Known as Hatter

I'm shocked to the marrow by the fact that people actually watched "Doogie Hoswer!" Wasn't that a feeble network attempt to introduce 'Cross Generational Programming?' Talk about a sick hybrid of 'Romper Room' and 'ER.' The next thing you know it's gonna be a mismatch like Alf versus E.T.! (Whoops!)

- The Fabulous Side Kicking Alcoholic "The Irish Ninja"

It has been three years since Niles and Doogie last saw one another. After escaping from the POW camp where they had been forced to play Russian roullette for the amusement of the guards, Niles was rescued by a helicopter. Doogie was not so lucky. Niles has come back to find Doogie and bring him back to their small hometown in Pennsylvania, to drink more of the prominently featured Rolling Rock beer, and to hunt more deer one last time with the guys. Niles finds Doogie in the back alley, surrounded by crowds and the heaping piles of medical waste. Doogie has a vacant look on his face (No surprise, here) and a red bandana tied around his head. They sit at a table, and between them, a revolver with a single bullet is placed. Doogie mechanically reaches for the revolver, spins the chamber, and fires it at his temple. The revolver dry-fires, and he places it back on the table. "Doogie, you don't have to do this!" pleads Niles, but his words have no effect. The referee, Mr. Miyagi, steps close to Niles, screaming "Mao! Mao!" Niles spins the chamber, and fires the gun at his temple. Once again, luck has prevailed, and he is not killed. "Come back with me! To hunt the deer," he says, but Doogie merely reaches for the revolver and fires it again. The music in the background becomes more ominous... Niles has come to the realization that either he or his friend will die. There is simply no way out this time. He spins the chamber and fires. Doogie reaches mechanically for the gun, places it to his temple, and pulls the trigger. The gun explodes with a deafening roar in the back alley. Doogie slumps forward, a tremendous hole in the side of his head. Somewhere, in the middle of the night, Christopher Walken awakens, feeling mysteriously cold, with a raging headache. Robert DeNiro feels strangely sad, as if remembering a lost friend. And poor Niles, who has worked so hard to find his missing friend, rises from the small back alley table. Mr. Miyagi holds several hundred yuan out to him as his portion of the winnings from the deadly game, but Niles merely walks out of the alley and back into the hospital. He saves Urkel, but he has lost Doogie forever. And he knows that he will never hunt deer again.

- Cornboy

Doogie and easily. As any med student knows, access to certain 'performance enhancing' drugs is easy peasy. Doogie, I'm sure, would carry a couple of syringes of 'Wake me up, I've got 27 hours left of this shift'. A quick jab into his arm and BOOM! a drug crazed lunatic looking to kill. What would a shrink like Niles have? Valium?

- Steve

I voted for Niles to win, because... Well, I really don't have a good reason. If I tried I guess I could go into an elaborate list of what people would be brought into the fight by both sides because of their tv show connections (how much TV did a lot of your voters watch?) I mean, you have the cast of Cheers easily, but you can also have uber-villain Malcolm McDowell because of his connection to Rhea Perlman, plus the lilliputians and other races from Gulliver's Travels (Ted Danson), plus Matilda (RP), Tea Leoni (George Wendt)... The list goes on and on. I also could evaluate the strengths of both contenders (I coulda been a contender.... I know it's bad, I couldn't resist). The possibly mob trained Doogie (Vinnie...the name just screams for a nickname along the lines of some kind of weapon or fish. Bak'lath? No... Salmon? No...) vs the caffeine-buzzed killing machine that is Dr. Niles Crane. I even could philosophize on the beginning of the fight. "And Dr. Crane makes a stunning opener, tangoing with his lovely partner Daphne over to the boy genius Howser, and delivering a one-two glove slap to the face, never missing a beat...". You get the picture. I have read almost all the responses to grudge matches of times past, and I think I could do some exposition in that frame of my own. But I won't lie, I'll tell you why I voted for Niles...

'Cause I like him more.

- Susan

I have only one word for Niles Crane: "Doctor Assisted Suicide". That's what its gonna be if he tangles with Doogie. Niles was born a wuss, is a wuss and will die a wuss. Doogie will definitely win the fight, but Niles will ultimately win the war. His brother Frasier will undoubtedly use his influence with the media to launch a smear campaign against Doogie. Lets not forget about Niles' father, Marty Crane/Ex-Cop. He carries a cane, but you can bet he carries a gun as well. The next thing you know there's a dead body, a gun with Doogie's prints, and a bloody glove.

- John Tavenner

[Just for clarification: "Doctor Assisted Suicide" is 3 words.]

Niles, hands down. Anyone who calls himself "Doogie" has got to be a wimp.

- Kris

So, I voted for Doogie. Because I think he's more attractive. If i recall correctly, towards the end of the show, Doogie was trying to put the moves on his girlfriend in his parent's hot tub/ pool. Seems like a germination of the macho spirit, eh? Plus, Doogie's had several years since the shows been off the air to mature.

- kk.

WWWF Celebrates Two Years Online!

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Gary Coleman v. Webster
Urkel v. Tattoo
Bob Hartley v. Frasier Crane

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