World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

Midnight. A lone bike flies through the night sky.

A house in suburban Southern California. The lights are off, the family is asleep, and Lucky has been brought in for the night.

The bike lands in the driveway. A boy brings a basket to the front door and sets it down. "I'm sorry, buddy, " Elliott says. "But one more day and Mulder & Scully would have closed in and taken you away. They'll take care of you here. They can help your kind." With that, Elliott rings the doorbell and rides away.

A tired and confused Mr. Tanner comes to the door. "What is this? ... Honey! It's another alien!"

A few weeks pass by, and, needless to say, Alf is not happy with the new member of the family. Not only is E.T. being showered with attention, leaving Alf largely ignored, but E.T. and Lucky have become close friends and Alf can't get near him. Meanwhile, E.T. has figured out that he can modify Alf's spaceship to get himself home. Late one night, E.T. sneaks into the spaceship to steal it and get home, but is shocked to find Alf waiting inside.

"Where you going, finger boy?"


"You've already ruined my life here. You're not about to strand me."

E.T. does not respond. Let's just say Alf is the only thing between him and a trip home. And he really wants to get home.

So, Steve, who do you like in this extra-terrestrial fist-a-cuffs?

Alf E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial




The Commentary

STEVE: ET may be the sentimental favorite here, but I have to go with Alf on this one. Alf is an aggressive, don't-take-crap-from-nobody kind of alien. ET is a dainty, skittish weasel of an alien, incapable of harming anyone. ET would have a better chance of getting home with his record player and Speak & Spell (tm) than by defeating Alf. The facts are just too one-sided for there to be any contest.

First, let's look at experience. As of 1996, Alf is 239 years old. At that age, he's seen it all. He's been around the block and knows how to handle himself. And yet with all this experience he's gained over these years, he's still youthful, vigorous, and spirited -- ready to take on any opposition ET might care to dole out. Alas, naive ET generally has no clue about anything on Earth -- he can't even speak in complete sentences or land on the planet for 5 minutes without the military catching up to him, much less defeat Alf.

Alf also has the powerful Muppet Mystique (tm) factor working for him. Although not a true Muppet, any of these puppeteered creatures are tough and virtually indestructible. Alf combines Miss Piggy toughness, Kermit charm, and Fozzie humor all in one package. Unbeatable! All ET has is an extendible neck and a glowing finger. Unfortunately, they won't be doing him any good. After Elliot abandons him, ET will turn a sickly pale white and disappear. He'll turn up several days later in a storm drain, after which reporters from the National Enquirer will have writing material for a few more weeks.

BRIAN: I can see you've spent a little too much time in dark caves searching for your ancient Mentos (tm) artifacts. The excessive exposure to guano fumes has apparently impaired your judgement even further (which I didn't think possible). First off, you site Alf's tremendous age as an advantage? You're starting to sound like Bob Dole. At 239 years old, Alf's knees (if he has knees) and other joints are wearing out. He just won't have the moves like he used to. Most people don't know this, but the reason Alf was cancelled was not due to low ratings, but due to Alf's dilapidation into senility and incontinence. Alf will be more concerned about adjusting his Depends (tm) or yelling at the Best Boy then fighting with E.T.

Second, Muppet Mystique? You got Alf's talents wrong, there, Steve. Alf actually combines Miss Piggy CHARM with Kermit TOUGHNESS. I'll give you the humor of Fozzie, but I wouldn't really take that as a complement. E.T., on the other hand, is not a muppet, but a person in a suit. Thus, E.T. can feed off of such great powers as the San Diego Chicken, the Philly Phanatic, and King Kong. Talk about charm, humor and toughness. Alf doesn't stand a chance. E.T.'s zipping home before Alf can even get his spectacles on.

STEVE: Are you sure about that "person in a suit" bit? I thought he was animatronic, in which case he could only feed off of the Chuck E. Cheese pizza band. If this is the case, I think you'll have to agree that ET's loss is inevitable.

Anyhow, since you failed to present any new & original ideas of your own in your entire argument (instead simply mindlessly bashing mine as you always do), I will present some more food for thought. First, ET has that glowing heart when he gets excited. This is just too obvious of a target for Alf's attack. He just has to reach into ET's chest and do a Temple of Doom move, and render ET instantly dead. Second, ET has that all-too vulnerable neck. Really, could you ask for a better neck to strangle? And those huge cutesy eyes are also an easy target. ET has stumpy legs, so he will be unable to run away. Kind of makes you wonder how something like ET ever successfully evolved. Alf will destroy ET, no doubt.

BRIAN: Am I sure about that "person in a suit" bit? Am I sure about that "person in a suit" bit? As our viewers know, I never come to the table without my facts in order, and, yes, E.T. was a person in a suit. She became a bit of a celebrity afterwards if I recall. (True, there were some scenes in the movie where they used an animatronic E.T., but that could be thought of as a "stunt double".) Regardless, the Chuck E. Cheese Mystique (tm) is nothing to sneeze at.

Oh, and you want an original and new idea of my own? I didn't want to have to point out the obvious, but here goes: E.T.'s got the Magic. If he has the power to heal, he has the power to destroy. If he can make a bike fly, he can make Alf fly. And what does Alf have going for him? Fur. That's it. Well, he could probably win a Barry Manilow look-a-like contest, but other than that, he's got nothing. And you try to play him up like some super-powerful high priest. In the words of the great contemporary poet, LL Cool J, "No, I don't think so."

When the two come face-to-face, Alf charges E.T. with that hippety-hoppety Muppet motion. Unaffected, E.T. raises his finger and says, "Flooooaaaat." Up goes Alf, levitating off the ground (which reveals that despite the fact his fur stops at his waist line, he's not wearing any clothes. ). A helpless Alf is floated out of the spaceship and into the nearest dumpster. E.T. drops it into overdrive and speeds home. Another happy ending.

For Alf links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Alf (1082)


E.T. (547)

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Voter Comments


Alf's a predatory animal. Every day, he's up early, chasing the cat like Rocky jogging down the back alleys of Philly. All ET does is hide out in Drew Barrymore's room, posed as a toy, watching her get dressed. ET's soft. No regimen at all. Easily distracted. When did ET ever display anything resembling a simple reflex action? He's on a slab in a giant Ziploc bag for at least a third of the movie, kids subdue him and cross-dress him, he puts up no fight at all. Plus Reese's pieces aren't exactly your mega-carbo weight gain 9000 from GNC. And if I remember correctly, ET was even seen with Michael Jackson, the other 80's superstar alien freak. End of story.

- George Campbell

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Sorry folks, this is a no brainer. Genetics will win out in this case. E.T.'s father is another famous space alien, Mister T. No son/daughter/ whatever offspring of Mister is going to be a wimp. T family tradition will not allow it. Mister has trained his offspring since before birth to fight, like in Rocky III. If little E was a wimp, he would not have survived his father's training. E.T. may have big cute eyes, but those eyes are the Eyes of the Tiger (tm).

E.T. responds "Pity...fool...who...touch...ship...Pity...the...fool!"

Alf, who can't even take a pampered house cat in a fight, gamely puts up his dukes, too late to protect his big nose. Using the boxing and street fighting skills his father has instilled in him, ET starts to turn Alf from an Alien Life Form into an Alien Throw Rug.

- Craig Denison

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

The two fiesty aliens circle each other, each looking for the perfect opportunity to strike. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of room in the small craft, it having been packed with crates of unsold ALF dolls, trading cards, and other assorted merchandise that ALF just couldn't bear to throw out. So the circling is in fact reduced to more of a bobbing and weaving.

Naturally, with all of this activity, ALF is going to get hungry. With his eyes still on ET, he starts groping around for any pieces of food that he might have left stashed in the cramped quarters. Suddenly, his right hand seizes upon a three-year old bag of Skittles, and he realizes that today is his lucky day...

ALF, an ace bouilliabaseball pitcher back on Melmac, launches the Skittles right at ET's head. As soon as it hits, the bag breaks open and throws the Skittles out in a wide arc. "Reeesess Piecesss" croaks ET, mistaking the two topologically equivalent snack foods in the subdued lighting of ALF's spacecraft. As soon as ET drops to his knees in search of the candy, ALF jumps him and puts ET in his patented "Shumway Sleeper". ET, realizing the ruze, cries out in terror, then snaps his fingers...

...and ALF finds himself at the mercy of one of ET's original "fly girls", Drew Barrymore. Yes, it was ET, small, glowing heart ET, barely able to master the high five, who was responsible for corrupting her, and she still comes around whenever she needs his "healing touch". While Drew pins ALF to the bulkhead, ET briefly debates between getting reacquainted with Barrymore and showing ALF "The Other Finger". But time is a wastin'. He has ALF bound and gagged in the corner before he dismisses Barrymore with a cursory snap of his fingers, then sets to work bringing aboard HIS most prized possessions: a year's supply of Reese's Pieces and 1200 copies of 'ET Phone Home' cartridges for the Atari 800. ET speeds away from the Earth to rendezvous with the mother ship, parked just outside of the solar system.

Folks, I'm afraid this round goes to "The RUMBLAH from AMBLAH-IN", ET.

Epilogue: Having rejoined his compatriots, ET hurries to the storage locker he stuffed ALF into for the duration of the trip. After all, they haven't gotten to try any of their 'special equipment' on any alien abductee other than cows, the occasional FBI agent, and Richard Dreyfuss. But ALF is gone! Having been bound with coathanger wire leftover from the supplies ET used to fix the ship, the irrepressible ALF (a real wire maven, just like dear old Dad back on Melmac) was able to escape by humming the exact frequency at which the molecules in the wire were vibrating, shattering his bonds. In his place is a note, scrawled in his Muppetlike handwriting: "TIM 4 ROUND 2, HART BOY..."

- Dave C.

Okay. Here's the deal. ALF was an orbit guardsman on Melmac. E.T. was a botanist... got that? Now, admittedly, ALF was mostly on latrine duty, but he's still tougher than E.T. E.T. has the magic, but he would have already bonded with Elliot and be weakening slowly without him. On the other hand, ALF has tons of Melmacian devices (they were in the ALF comic book series, and yes, I am a nerd...) ALF would blast the bejeezus outta Steven Spielberg's loveable alien with a dose of Merv Gas (makes people act like Merv Griffin 'till they bore themselves to sleep), and ALF would use other devices, such as his anti-gravity belt (this means ALF has flown before and would be immune to E.T.'s "flooooaaat" attack) Anyhoo, all ALF needs to do to finish E.T. off is a big ol' belch (which wouldn't be too difficult, since he just finished scarfing down all the Tanner's food). The Sonic Belch Attack (tm) would send Mr. Reese's Pieces flying through the Ockmonek's bedroom window. That would be the most exciting thing to happen in there for years... HA!! Lastly, the Ockmoneks would house E.T., keeping him safe, and ALF would get out of trouble with the Tanner's by saying something witty and cutting to commercial.

- Noel Schornhorst, Savannah College of Art and Design, Savannah, GA

Oh ,you guys must be joking? Do you meen to tell me you have forgotten the Fuzzy Wuzzy Factor[tm]? Alf is Fuzzy Wuzzy Snuggle Poo[tm] making him worthless in combat. Take the movie "Gremlins" for example. The cute Gremlin justs sits around like a fat hampster. The Super Deformed Ugly Villin[tm] Gremlins destroy a whole city,50 stores and 400 people over 50. Jist look at any movie ever made, evil looking guys always win. E.T go home in 3.1 second!

- Bruin Girl

The answer seems so obvious in this match; it crys out like a beacon: Alf! Alf! Alf! First of all, I doubt it would ever come down to fisticuffs. Anyone who saw last year's made-for-TV movie Project: ALF knows that he is a master manipulator; he ended up running a gambling ring inside his extraterestrial military lockdown. He made a much better Sgt. Bilko than Steve Martin, even better than, dare I say it, Phil Silvers. Once the mono-syllabic E.T. steps within oration range of this furry P.T. Barnum, he'll find his oversized head spinning in bewilderment. He'd be eating Reeces Pieces out of Alf's palm in no time.

But, assuming violence does erupt, Alf's still out on top. In a confrontation between animatronics and muppets, the deciding factor has to be the actual people involved; ie the Tanners. And believe you me, they'll side with Alf, no matter how much sentimental alien innocence E.T.'s been dribbling recently. When they wake up to the sounds of a knock-out drag-out anachronismn-named alien free-for-all, they'll turn on the leathery-skinned freak that's turned out not to be so harmless after all. And that's when Mr. Willie Tanner starts making calls. Ever wonder what he was doing at the office all day? Why, he was the guy running the operation on "Misfits of Science", of course. In a few minutes, a blue van pulls up, and the freaks pour out. B-Man dramatically puts on his patented shades before running around back at lightning speed and barbequeing Spielburg's brainchild with enough voltage to power a Mexican radio station. By this time, Alf is bloodied from being telekinetically thrown around, but the psychic girl just makes E.T. heal him with The Finger. And the shrinking guy doesn't get to use his power, just like a normal episode of "Misfits of Science"! It's Alf in a walk, even if it's a muppet-style off camera walk.

- Dave Richter

If it were up to me, both of these annoying freaks would end up as the 38th ingrediant in an Oscar Meyer hot dog.

- Eric

Much as it pains me, prune-boy wins, for one reason: HomeSickness (tm). He's got a planet to go back to and is being actively hunted, having little to look forward to except as a guest star on the Disect a Frog home page, or a short career as a Roswell model.

Alternatively, Alf has no planet to go back to. He has free accomadation and all he can eat (Lucky being the notable exception). He has a TV show, an animated cartoon, a comic and numerous merchandizing spin-offs. Face it, the Alien Life Form never had it so good. Any efforts he makes in this fray will be purely for show, and "effort" was never an over-used part of Gordon Schumway's vocabulary anyway.

- John Hunter

Remember that the Tanners are all away at work at school all day, leaving ALF all alone his new play toy (and his dinner, if he can ever catch that darn cat--ha, I kill me.) When they get home they will find ET either hanging by the ceiling from a snare trap or sadly the victim of a stove explosion.

- Erick Beck

E.T. may have his Magic Finger Power (tm), but that power can only run in the presence of enough saccharine to throw an entire legion of lab rats right into the nearest cancer ward and enough cheese to put the entire state of Wisconson to shame. In other words, a Steven Spielberg movie. Television, as any Republican will tell you, is a seething, cynical, amoral pit 'o hell; E.T. will be powerless in such an environment.

Alf not only has the home court advantage, but he also has the Rage (tm). Think about it: His show hasn't been on the air, aside from cheap-assed UHF syndication, in over five years. Even at the zenith of his fame, he was still trapped in a fur suit; how do you think that sort of thing looks in the middle of Spago's? Can you imagine what it's like to get thrown at a table by the kitchen every time while everyone else gets drooled over by hordes of photographers? E.T.'s been living the life and getting rich as Croesus from video royalties; so naturally, Alf will be just itching for a swing at him. (Also, aside from Urkel, sitcoms just love the underdog.)

With these advantages on his side, Alf will reach right into his spaceship's glove box, pull out a tallboy can of Whup-Ass, and open it right up on E.T. Alf in one round; after which, he'll serve agents Mulder and Scully some first-rate cassoulet de chat.

- Paul

There is only one reason why Alf will win: his incredible stamina. C'mon, after 236 years of having someone's hand up your ass, you could take ANYTHING. Whereas, E.T. is only 14 years old and has his whole life run by machines and midgets.

- m0therfux0r
endoplasmic reticulum

ET over ALF any day, with substance abuse clearly being the deciding factor. ALF, what, smokes cigars or something? Which will no doubt cripple his cardio-vascular performance in a serious fight. ET, in addition to having a simpler and less contrived acronym-as-name, has done it all - shrooms ('cmon, whaddya think they were doing in the forest anyways?), "M&M"s and, of course, good old fashioned Bud. Admittedly, ALF's mouth would give him an advantage if they were in some sort of freekin' presidential debate, but all that's gonna come out are shrieks of pain as The Magic Finger turns muppet boy inside out, and all the while ET moans "Groooooooooooooooo - vyyyyyy...."

- gktang, University of Calgary

First of all, let's face the fact that everyone liked ET, he made big bucks at the box office: You've got to be good to beat out "The Godfather" and "The Empire Strikes Back." Where's the Alf movie? He isn't even doing reruns on FX. Hi, I lost out to "Eight Is Enough." Second, ET is obviously in touch with his inner self (literally), which raises him to the status of Meditating Guru. Did you see anyone start Roy Jones Junioring ET? No! Thus, I'm willing to bet he's capable of busting out with some Giraffe Style Kung Fu and smacking around Alf like the lint caked brown sock that he is. Alf runs, and ET catches him with the patented Michael Myers / Jason Voorhees /Pepe LePeau Warp Walk tm and "plays puppet" with Alf via undesired proctolgy examination. Lastly, anyone who can make their finger glow can certainly utilize the old "Dim Mak." ET's pounding Sam Adams Oktoberfest on his homeworld, with his new Alf-skin-rug, in no time.

- UnklStoax

In case you did not research the movie, ET was sent to collect botanical specimans and various forms of plant life for analasis. His species has a highly developed science, as well as phionic abilities. More importantly, the question of how they evolved reveals their greatest strength. ET and his kin appear 'cute' to ANYTHING. Only humans and similarly evil creatures can bring themselves to harm one. ALF simply is not tough enough to hurt ET (Cats are a part of his natural diet, so the fact that he eats them does not make him evil.) The way I see it, ET activates a telapathic link to ALF, and experiances the distruction of ALF's homeworld (Did you forget about that when you had ALF complain about losing his ride home?) Remember what happened to ALF with the ants? This will be MUCH stronger! ET goes home with some seeds from ALF's teraformation and terrain modification pack (never opened, because it was easier to order chinese) ALF receives one of ET's seeds from another distant world...It grows overnight, replacing the portion of the garden that was destroyed when the ship took off.

- Michael Moon, Troy, NY

This guy watched WAAAAY too much Alf -Eds.

Let's see how it progresses:

"Flllooooooaaaaatttt" that seems somehow familiar...I think Alf's in big trouble here. But let's not forget that Alf has the home court advantage here.

"All Lights off!!!" O.K. You can't float what you can't see...obviously that dull thud was Alf hitting the floor. Now in the dark, who has the advantage. We have baldy who only has one developed sense going for him: those ridiculously huge eyes...But I don't care how big your pupils can dilate, if there's no light, there's NO light! Two holes in his face that I guesss serve as a nose, but obviously under grown, And he has no ears! Now Alf on the other hand is a creature that obviously evolved to rule the dark. A very big nose he has...the better to smell you with my dear. and very big ears he has...the better to hear you with my dear. So what happens next...

E.T.'s neck gets an erection, and he starts running around the ship screaming that annoying scream...Whoops, it appears E.T. has close lined himself on one of the sensor arrays! E.T. thinks better of running around like an alien with his head cut off and just desides to sit and hide. What has Alf been doing...Prowling around with the grace and stealth of a huge jungle cat! CLANG "OH DAMN!!!" O.K. the grace and stealth of a jungle orangutan. CLANG "OH DAMN!!!" Just then, E.T. gets a bright idea (Pun intended) E.T.'s finger lights up so he can see...but too late, Alf has already snuck up behind E.T. CRUNCH...GRIND...GRIND...MUNCH...MUNCH well we knew Alf ate cats, but now we know he will eat other aliens as well...

- Blader

A fight? Ya gotta be pullin my leg! ET would have no chance whatsoever. Just review the following list of conditions:

1. Alf - Teeth, ET - No Teeth
How could ET bite? Alf would grab on to ET's misshapen head with his Remulakian Incisors and tear the sucker right off. No cat-loving misanthropic long-fingered, glow-in-the-dark bastard would stand a chance against the utter nastiness of Alf.

2. Pro Wrestling
Alf's love of TV allows him to pick up a wealth of fighting knowledge by constantly watching wrestling. He would put ET in a Full Nelson, weakening him until he could put the Sleeper Hold on him. When ET became unconscious, Alf would climb to the top rope (The Mantle) and drop a flying elbow on ET, severing his pathetic little neck.

3. Testosterone
ET is inherently a wimp, from a planet of wimps. I never detected any genitalia, or any mention of genitalia, on the part of finger boy. Alf was constantly concerned with his privates, showing a healthy male level of testosterone. Has any real man everlost a fight to an eunich? I think not.

- John Klapp, Whitworth College, Spokane, WA

This one comes down to diet. Alf eats cats, E.T. eats M&M's.(*) While the caffiene in the chocolate might give E.T. a bit of an edge, Alf's tabby-based diet is high in protein, in addition to requiring exercise and fighting ability to aquire. If any of you have ever dealt with a violent cat, you know what I mean. To actually survive on a _diet_ of these cuddly little monsters you'd need a tough hide, nerves of steel, a killer instinct and incredible reflexes. To hunt M&M's requires almost no skills at all, as recent commercials show - the little buggers are small, slow, defenseless, and gullible. Sure, ET has magic, but he won't last long enough to use it. Alf in 0.5 seconds.

(*) Actually, now that I think about it, the movie ET ate Reeces Pieces. Since these have peanut butter (protein) in them, I'd give the movie ET 1.5 seconds. He's still a pencil necked geek tho.

- Martin Leuschen, Rice University

This fight boils down to appetite. E.T. can eat a bag of of Reeses Pieces... Alf can eat a stockyard full of animals and still be hungry... This is no contest. ALF will begin to tell E.T. a nice warm-fuzzy story... innocent and clueless the alien will quickly be charmed by the lovable ALF. All the while ALF will be coating him with pizza sauce, cheese, cat nip, and Colonels secret herbs and spices.

"Not bad with a little pizza sauce... Say anybody got an Alka-Seltzer?", Alf chortled, after he finished eating E.T. the Extra Tasty appetizer. "The only down side to eating E.T. was the heartburn afterwards..."

- Jim

P.S. I am shocked that ALF was not included in last week's poker round-up.

I'd have to give it to Alf, but don't count E.T. out so easily. The squat little alien is a far more fearsome warrior than one might expect.

Indeed, E.T. can call upon a variety of techniques in his battle against ALF, but ALF is a wily fur-bearing hominoid, and can counter each. Consider...

Although ET will put up a strong resistance, ALF must ultimately triumph. Alf has been on Earth for long enough to film an ungodly number of TV episodes, a cartoon, AND appear in comics and trademarked merhcandise. ET only hung around long enough for a movie. Now you tell me, which one is more skilled at evading the goons from Project Blue Book? All Alf has to do is get the feds on the horn and alert them to the alien menace. Like the A-Team escaping from Col. Decker, the fuzzy one will slip away and leave ET to a fun-filled future of invasive experimentation and electroshock therapy.

- Tim Ruggieri
Definiately ALF! He was in the "Orbit Guards", sort of a Coast Guard for outerspace. So Alf must have some military training, although light, it's still something.

And for ET? I don't remember seeing any "Space Marine" tatoos on him, couldn't miss 'em if there were, right?

- Thomas D Landers

Everyone knows that ET could not fight himself out of a wet paper bag; and that is his achilies heel. Alf will get a bag of Reeses Pieces(tm) and lay a trail that leads into an ACME(tm) Wet Paper Bag(r) and that will be then end of the fight.

- Greenman

Alright guys, I gotta go with Steve on this one. E.T. *may* have Alf outclassed in terms of overall power, but who has the killer instinct? After all, well all know that Alf is an alien doberman, and once his teeth lock, he's never gonna let go. E.T. can kill him, but he's still going to have Alf's teeth locked around his throat, and, let's face it, he's dead meat. The best he can hope to achieve is a draw, but I think that's pretty unlikely, since, if E.T. had any kind of real power, he wouldn't have been nailed by those government agents.

And remember why E.T. was trapped on Earth in the first place? He was gathering *flowers*! What we have here is an interplanetary flower child, and he stands about as much chance against the lean, mean chowing machine as those hippies at Kent State did against the National Guard.

But what's really going to happen is, while they're arguing, Pete Wilson (governor of California) is going to show up with a platoon of immigration officers and boot them both off the planet for being illegal aliens (get it?) and that'll be that!

- Tom

Well! This is going to be a good one; the mighty cat-eatin', furry, I- don't-know-what-else-he-can-do Alf, Vs. the wierd lookin' bug-eyed E.T. Let's examine the competitors:

ALF--He eats cats! E.T. wouldn't even hurt a bug! Already Alf looks tougher. Anyway, Alf has had two tv(tm) shows (I think the original one was better), and a tv(tm) movie.

E.T.--He's had only one movie, which WAS directed by Steven Speilberg(tm), and a kind of annoying tabloid show shares his name. So maybe he could get Mary Hart(tm) and John Tesh(tm) to drive Alf insane with inane chatter...perhaps not.

So I don't think E.T. stands much of a chance against a butt-kicking(tm) POWERHOUSE(tm) like Alf!...[Afterwards] Alf will be hunted down and destroyed by a PREDATOR(TM) that finds him to be worthy prey, after he destroyed the PREDATOR'S(TM) most hated adversary!!!!


I mean, sure, E.T. does have those spiffy powers and the all-powerful nite-light finger, but there's absolutely no indication that he would EVER use them for anything but good. Even when those "X-Files" goons were after him with their dissection kits at the end of the movie, he didn't start blowing up heads ala "Scanners" (though he may have been able), but instead turned tail and floated away as fast as he could to his "Mother" ship. Heck, he even ran screaming when he first met 6-year old Drew Barrymore (although, now, no one could really blame him...).

Alf, on the other hand, has not only centuries of space-traveling combat experience behind him, but several seasons of matching wits and fisticuffs with the all-powerful Willie, undeniably the equivalent of AT LEAST a dozen consecutive tours-of-duty in Vietnam. So, without a doubt, ALF wins in one bag of tranquillized "Reece's Pieces."

Now, E.T. vs. Yoda? That's another story...

- Jason Robinson

True, E.T. can fly, but it takes him some time to use it. Without it, Eliott's little friend has almost no maneuvering ability whatsoever. Alf just runs over and snaps that extending neck right off. And don't forget what ALF stands for: Awesome Little Fighter.

- Brian Blovett

The deciding factor in this match will be corporate sponsorship. We can't forget that the M&M Candy people paid E.T. $1,000,000 to use their product in the movie. What has Alf ever done? Been on Hollywood Squares a number of times. Obviously,the M&M corporation would not let anything hurt ther million dollar investment. Who's going to protect Alf? John Davidson? Granted, his hair is a formidable weapon, but we all know it's hopeless to go against the power of corporations (see Microsoft vs. Disney).

- Dave Nelson

I would have to disagree with the argument that having the power to heal means E.T. has the power to destroy. The two do not go necessarily go hand in hand especially since they are on opposite sides of whatever spectrum they belong. As well, even if E.T. had the power to destroy, he wouldn't have the heart. He's too soft and kind-hearted.

- Al Nixon

Physics dictates that a low centre of gravity will provide for better manuverability and cornering and although ET's C of G is absurdly low, there is no way on God's Green Earth (tm) that ET would even be able to out run Alf in the event of an all out retreat.

First Timer and loving it.

- Chris

While E.T.'s busy entertaining with party tricks to amuse two dim witted kids, Alf is eating cats for breakfast - yes, actually eating cats - though they never showed it on channel three for fear of a frontal, politically correct, house-wife attack. E.T. is supposed to be cute and harmless, and he's persecuted because of it - Alf, on the other hand, is a beer drinking, oxygen breathing, fully liscenced terrerian, and if he could get out more he'd be riding down route 66, two chicks on the back of his harley-hog, dragging E.T. atrophied limbs up and down the curb.

- Neil Kaplan

Alf's accumulated personality would overwhelm ET faster then you could say "Ha, I kill me!"

- Justin

Wow! After reading this one, it is apparent that you two were both sniffing guano in the basement, because you're missing 'the big picture' (tm). This is a win-win situation, atleast at first, because there is nothing stopping the both of them from getting off the planet. Here's exactly how it would go down.

E.T., lacking decent communication skills, mumbles out 'Room for Two', and Alf, quite content with the other acronym's decision, goes off looking for the cat. E.T. does in 5 minutes what Gordo couldn't do in years, and using his MacGuyveresqe (tm) talents, the spaceship is fixed and hooked up with some pirated cable. Alf returns moments later, coughing up hairballs, and the two embark on the long journey for the respective homelands. The only real possible fight situation would occur en route, when E.T. finally learns enough English to figure out that all Alf is saying is crap and tells him to shut up or put up. If it did turn to fisticuffs, Alf, who is more like Gonzo than any other muppet, would find himself incredibly outmatched. Sure E.T. only has a couple of fingers, but if you've ever seen Roadhouse and Patrick Swayze's 'tigerclaw' (tm) you'll know that fingers are lethal. Alf will only be able to save himself by bribing E.T. with Reeces Pieces (tm) in return for his life, and the two will continue on their journey. But they never will get home. You see, quite recently many alien races have decided that Earth is the perfect planet to conquer, and with the Death Star becoming part of the asteroid belt, and the city destroying baddies from Independece Day already a distant memory, the Borg think, communally, that its their turn. Unfortunately for the furry and the not so furry rodents on route home, they're destined to get assimilated, and no doubt kill many a red shirted ensign in their days.

- The Edge

Foul temper beats love any day of the week.

- John Bliss

Lit finger beats bad humor every time!

- jdub

E.T. has an affinity for all living things. Including the Tanner's cat. He just brings it into Alf's field of view, and this is sufficient to not only distract him but it also lures him away from his ship, right into the angry face of Mr. Tanner. Before Alf can say "What cat?" E.T. is off through the stratosphere, phoning home to say that he'll be back in time for supper.

- The Listmeister

If ALF could survive his own Atari 2600 game, I might give him a little credit, but he never even made it to Nintendo.

- Ian

Sure, E.T. has the magical powers to make things float and heal and all that other crap But what good were those powers on that mysterious night when E.T. wound up lying face down in a ditch?

You might think E.T. only uses his magical powers when he or his friends are truly in danger (sort of a Alien Muppet Prime Directive (tm)?) But what good did those powers do him when he was beaten (?) and left for dead in that culvert? If his powers were so great, couldn't he have just flown home over the heads of the humans or beasts which tore at his alien flesh?

Some might say E.T. would win because he has the power of life -- the power to regenerate plants, himself, and a sagging movie industry. But remember, without Eliot there to save him, E.T. would still be clawing away at the inside of his body bag, glowing like a LightBrite (tm). Alf tears into E.T.'s spaghetti neck with his horrific fangs, creating a gusher of green alien blood, and E.T. is cremated into alien potash before he can say, "Ouch?"

- David Hyatt

No doubt several seasons of battle with some of the deadliest creatures on earth (read: network executives) has toughened Alfie for this throw-down. When Alf accidentally mistakes E.T. as a threat to his "Icecapades: Aliens Are Awesome!" comeback tour, he reverts to old form and goes for the proverbial jugular.

As an interesting side note, the FAA is overjoyed by the results of this battle as their radar screens become markedly clearer as small boys on flying bicycles all drop simultaneously.

- Brian Kutner

True, Alf is 239 years old, but it's not like he's a grandfather or anything. At 239 years, Alf is in his PRIME. He's ready for this fight. He's ready and able to beat up E.T.. E.T., on the other hand is an old fart. In the movie, he was there for what, a week or two? Then he started going pale and weak. Everybody thought it was because he was sick, but does anybody else realize these are also the symptoms of AGE? After just week, he was READY TO DIE. George Burns looked better than E.T. three weeks AFTER he died. And in this scenario, E.T. has been there a couple of months. Alf is gonna beat the crap out of E.T.'s crippled ass.

Here's how I see it:

E.T. waddles over to Alf's spaceship, carrying a bag of Reeses Pieces, and a six pack of Jolt Cola. (At this point, E.T. needs the Jolt cola just to keep him alive.) He opens up the door to the spaceship and sees Alf. E.T. cannot react too fast here, his senile mind is still trying to gather what is going on. Alf, who kind of looks like Fabio with that hair, muppet-hops over to E.T. and takes a swing at him. He misses, of course, because much like Fabio, he is a wimp. His fist slams into the spacecraft and destroys a warp-core coupling.

E.T. takes advantage of his opponent's miss to strike back. He raises a glowing finger and says, "Floooaa..(GRMPH..HACK.COUGH..WHEEZE)" and immediately goes into convulsions for overexerting himself. Alf sits there and watches E.T. die from a heart attack. Alf wins the fight, but without Geordi La Forge there to patch the warp-core reactor through the auxiliary systems, blah blah blah (insert Star Trek lingo here) and save the ship in 39 seconds, he is stranded here on Earth with the Tanners.

- Some Dork

The reason ALF will win is simple. He has the hunger! He needs to get to New Melmac to be with Rhonda.

- Muneer Ahmad, University of Kansas

I should point out though, that the age/experience argument goes down the gurgler when we take into account that ET is supposed to be around 900 years old. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

- Tom Eastland

Alf may have forward-parked into the Tanner's garage, but I would guess from his accent that he may have had a brief stop in New York and "interacted" with some of the "locals". Then again, he may just watch too much T.V.

Against this, we have E.T. (real name unknown). Sure he's intelligent but in a venerable, rather senile way. Let's face it, Alf may have crashed his craft - anyone could have done that - but E.T. "just forgot" to get back to his before it "conveniently" flew off without him.

Alf makes the first move. Fortunately for E.T., Alf's plans become, shall we say, demomilized round about now. Attempting to strike the first blow with a swift punch to E.T.'s solar plexus, Alf neglects to wait for the camera to cut away, and he remains rooted to the floor. E.T., on the other hand, is not limited by being joined at the elbows to a human being, and he takes this opportunity to scuttle for cover.

Scuttle E.T. must do, because Alf recovers quickly from his potentially fatal disregard for the show's budget. For Alf, always ready with a well timed quip, also happens to be handy with a furball. He strikes E.T. with a direct blow to the back of the head, which sends E.T. a-shivering. Alf, nose engorged for the kill, is restrained by a single, glowing finger.

While E.T. convalesces from the near terminal fever, he develops an emotional and thought-provoking bond with Alf. Alf, grateful for company that doesn't pause for the laugh-track during a conversation, agrees to lend E.T. the spaceship in return for E.T.'s repair of said spaceship. Despite Alf's offer, E.T. suggests he drive home. Yes, E.T. has won this encounter. He gets to fulfill his long-awaited desire go home. And he's made a friend, too.

- Alex

Guys, you're being too narrow-minded. You're too focused on what's going on in the house, but did you consider what was happening outside?

A few days after he dropped off ET, Elliot gets picked up outside of Phoenix by a prostitution sting. After his bike is impounded, it's traced back to the UFO that was detected by the USAF the previous week. Moulder and Scully lean on poor Elliot hard, and he squeals like a piggie.

Unfortunately for our stalwart FBI heroes, Elliot was following normal goose migratory patterns instead of major highways, so it takes Moulder and Scully a while to locate the house. When it's finally pinpointed, a security leak informs the INS of the situation, who promptly mobilize to surround the parked spacecraft.

Which takes us to the face-off. As Alf reaches for his PPG and ET prepares to flip him the fiery bird of doom, the INS demands their surrender. The two aliens lock eyes. In an instant, an understanding is made, and the two trained superkillers burst out of the shuttle. The INS agents are burned, torn limb from limb, and disinegrated. Unfortunately for the local residents, ET and Alf enter the Alien Bloodlust(tm) and proceed to level the neighborhood.

Once they have destroyed everything within two miles of the spacecraft, Alf offers ET a lift home. ET accepts; they take off, and ET gives Alf directions the best he can ("Turn" "Who taught you to talk, John Carrodine?). But it was all a ruse: one night, Alf switches ET's Reese's Pieces for Valium. After the overdose, ET's body is dumped into the nearest singularity.

- Dave 0sgood

Despite my brother's arguments to the contrary and my Mom's insistence that E.T. was the worst movie she ever saw, I have to go with E.T. on this one.

What does E.T. - a highly advanced creature that causes inanimate objects to float, heals others at will, resurrects himself and flies through the universe on a huge spaceship - crave above all else? REESE'S PIECES! Though tasty, I am sure that this advanced alien realizes that the candy has about as much nutritional value as the plastic bag it comes in. Obviously, he doesn't use it for food. He must be storing them for a situation just like this.

As ALF makes his move toward his foe, E.T. spits Reese's Pieces machine gun style at his feet like watermelon pits in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. He then releases through his ears a noxious gas made from the artificial chemical coloring dyes that make up the candy shell. With ALF completely stunned, E.T. takes the opportunity to grab a handful of fur and "hair-mare" (tm, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) the furball right out the door.

Of course, no bad deed goes unpunished. As E.T. reaches the edge of our solar system, he spies some Klingons on Uranus and suddenly has the urge to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately for E.T., he does not realize that ALF removed and sold all the gold and platinum plumbing years ago. As he flushes the toilet, the ship explodes with the force of a 200 Megaton cherry bomb, sending him hurtling through space until he lands, unhurt, on ALF's home of Melmac.

E.T. spends the next ten years as a one man freak show until ALF accidentally lands his stolen space shuttle on his head and puts him out of his misery. *SQUISH* HAA!

- Paul Golba

Alf's head to toe body hair precludes his closer-to-mammalia killer instincts. This one will have to be included on a Time-Life slaughter tape.

- Tom Luttkus

It should be quite obvious that Gordon Shumway of Melmac will end up beating the holy hell out of ET. ET is still in disarray after the departure of John Tesh and is nowhere near in peak fighting form. To think that they remain a cohesive unit capable of co-ordinated actions is stretching it; the notion that they could take on and best Alf is absurd in the extreme. Soon after the fight begins, Alf's fists will be lesioning flesh and bone from the dying remains of Bob Goen and beating Mary Hart into a pasty mess with the artificial hip of Mark Steines. (It should be noted that damaging Julie Moran is not possible as she is in actual fact a holographic image).

Certainly, it is fair to note that Leeza Gibbons will put up a game fight, but after cutting himself open with Leonard Maltin's skull fragments to increase his adrenaline rush, Alf will ram his hand up through Gibbons' throat and crush her brain stem, leaving her a drooling (but still fairly winsome) vegetable. Amazingly, she will continue to be able do her weekly top 25 adult contemporary radio show.

All in all, just another day's work for everyone's favourite alien.

- Thinkmaster General

Alf by a mile, easy. Come now, four feat of fur-covered cat-killikg power, versus some wimpy crane-necked subject of an Atari 2600 game? Really...Drew Barrymore coulda kicked ET's ass, even hopped up on Reese's Pieces. "Floooaaattt", you say? That just means an airborne, frenzied furball comin' for ET's ass.

- Shaft

At first glance, it would appear that Alf has the advantage, with his bulk, furry body, and nasty attitude. But after thinking about what advantages ET has, I knew we have to look beyond what seems to be obvious and go with ET.

ET Advantages:

1. You know that in pro wrestling, there is a distinct advantage to haveing a powerful, savvy manager, who in effect created you and your wrestling style. Who created Alf? Paul Fusco (the actor who did his voice) and Tom Patchett (Yes, I had to look this up). WHO???? Do these guys seem to have any "managerial" skills that could make Alf a mega-champion? True, they are actors, just like most real pro wrestling managers think they are, but they don't have the talent that ET's creator has.

Who created ET? Why, Stephen Spielberg, who produced 5 of the top 15 of the highest grossing movies of all time. This guy knows how to deliver a winner. As the creator/manager of ET, he's gonna deliver a winner. He's

is the clear winner here.

2. ET has a magic connection to Elliott. What's Elliott doing now? Slasher horror pictures! Through Elliott, he'll mangle Alf into a furry mass of blood and alien guts. Another clear advantage here.

ET will win in 3 rounds. There will be t-shirts and action figures galore to market, and Spielberg & ET will deliver a fiery post-match interview that will set ratings records.

- lynnmh

This match seems, at first, to be a no-brainer:

Alf is a trained Melmacian Space Defense Guard (or something close). He's been taught to kill for peace. Also, he hasn't eaten a good cat in years, desperation driven by hunger is on his side.

ET, on the other hand, is a bona-fide pacifist. Even when the military is ready to cut his little glowing organs out of his sickly little body, he chooses to escape, rather than give these X-Files rejects a good thumping. Furthermore, he's been gorging himself on Reese's Pieces. He's fat and satisfied, and no match for the primal force that is Alf.

Now, the kicker: ET has the power of Speilbergian Special Effect Budgets on his side, while Alf is lucky if the producers give him a cardboard box so he can pretend its a spaceship.

My opinion: Alf will start in with a flurry of insults, and ET will back off in his bewildered way. ET regains his footing, and tries that finger thing, floating Alf around the interior of the spaceship, occasionally banging into loose ship parts.

Next, the effects budget kicks in, bathing Alf in a happy blue light, making him realize the cosmic good that is ET, as he drops to the floor.

Finally, (as it is Alf's ship) Alf pulls the secret lever that ejects the pilot's seat out of the ship, with a roaring laughtrack to back him up. (When comedy faces drama, I say comedy must win).

Verdict: Alf in 3 minutes

- Christopher Hull

The winner of this one is very simple and quick. While Alf is busy making sitcom-type jokes about what he will do to his opponent, E.T. will simple light up his Electric Finger of Death (TM) and in that sweet little voice he has, utter one word: "BURRRRRRRN!" Alf let's out a blood-curdling scream as his body lights up in a bright orange fireball. With the muppet-wannabe now out of the picture, E.T. finishes his modifications to the ship and returns home. His people, who monitored the fight, give E.T. a hero's welcome and dub him "E.T.-Destroyer of All".

- George

E.T. easily wins. Given his penchant for learning foreign languages, all he has to do is learn four simple little words:


Then, while a hungry ALF goes on a kitty hunt, E.T. swipes his home-grown gadgets, packs his Reese's Pieces, and flies home.

So simple, even a stupid furball could ALMOST figure it out (and I don't mean ALF's dinner, either).

- Eddie

Okay, let's take this apart piece by piece. First of all, ALF crashed here, he didn't have a choice in the matter, but he's still really steamed that he can't find a Ronco-Matic Freem Drive (TM) so that he can get home. E.T. on the other hand is a hopeless goob from somewhere out past Uranus. E.T. is such a goob that he was marooned here by his "buddies". Yup, they said, "Hey! Here's our chance, lets ditch old Extendo-Neck (TM) here and take the car for a spin." Now, E.T. may be pissed off, but he exists on a diet of Reeses Pieces (TM) and that suger buzz will wear off five seconds into the match, whereas ALF, having just had a meal of the Tanner's next door neighbours cat Lucky will be full charged on his diet of fur and feline and E. T. wouldn't stand a chance!

- Aaron

Okay, guys, here's my reasoning for why ALF royally whooped E.T.'s scrawny ass:

Reason Numero Uno: Their respective diets. ALF ate cats, which nutritionally speaking, are far superior to E.T.'s choice of beer and Reese's Pieces. One has to be in training constantly, ya know.

Reason Numero Dos: Their respective appearances. ALF is furry and could very well be a small cousin of the famous Wookie, Chewbacca, whereas E.T. looks a skinned cat and you should then refer to reason numero uno.

Reason Numero Tres: Popularity. Though E.T. has had a string of comebacks in the video market, he can't come close to ALF, who through the miracle of syndication, has never really left. ALF is a deity in some countries now, ya know.

Reason Numero Quatro: Speech. ALF quickly learned the gift of gab, and was very fluent at the end of the original series, and E.T. barely had a working grasp of the language. If push comes to shove, ALF could just yell at E.T. and scare the bejesus out of him.

- Matt Holl

Anyone without a brain could figure this one out. You are matching up a guy ( form) who eats cats against a skinny, worthless, boney fingered alien with a big head. Alf may have stubby arms but when he gets close enough to E.T., he can put a lot of weight into his punch. The best thing E.T. has going for him is a light bulb in his finger. If this "magic finger" did anything, E.T. would have used it to get back home or shipped the military soldiers to Antartica. E.T. obviously hasn't got a chance against Alf. Besides, your forgetting that Alf has home field advantage. It's his spacecraft and house isn't it? He probably knows where every lead pipe and hand gernade is on the property. I give E.T. 10 seconds and he's out.

- Jason S.

Is there any question?
ET is gonna be fertilizer for one of his happy little trees.

More to the point, he eats trees. He's a vegetarian. Now, having lived on a cattle farm (no jokes please, it was a cattle farm, not a sheep farm), I can tell you one think. Herbivores are abysmally stupid. Watch a cow sometimes. Chew chew chew stare stare stare chew chew plop chew stare moo. The lights may be on, but nobodys home. It doesn't take much brains to sneak up on a cabbage.

Now Alf's food of choice is cat. Raw cat. Preferably still breathing. In my years on the farm, after discovering how patheticly it is to sneak up on a cow and kill it (cooking it properly is the hard part), I took to hunting smaller game. Namely, felines. The first thing I learned is that cats are a lot smarter than any human. They are small, and they are predators. So they can run from big mean animals, and they can fight.

Needless to say, after a long day of hunting down a tabby, I often had to resort to senaking up on a cow, braining it with a shovel, and digging a large barbecue pit in which to cook it. Cats are not easy to catch.

Seeing that Alf is evolved to hunt cats, he is obviously one fast, wily motherf***er. ET may be able to heal cut fingers, and levitate large objects, but there is one problem. If you observe ET's powers, you'll see that they take a little while to warm up. Alf will break ET's scrawny neck before ET's chest implanted lightbulb even starts to glow.
End of story.

For informational purposes, I have also included my recipes for cow, and the occasional cat.

How to cook a cow.
Dig a firepit.
Build a fire, and allow the coals to burn down to a dull red.
Pad with green grass, or damp straw.
Add 1 cow (dead)
cover corpse with excess dirt.
Come back in 24 hours, dig up the cow, and eat.
(serves 37)

How to cook a cat.
Remove fur (if the cat is a longhair, this could take a while.
Eat the cat.
(serves 1.5)

- Lonny

As soon as the finger starts to glow a very Miss Piggy like scream echoes through the night.
ET goes sailing across the garage and lands badly on his head. All of a sudden ET's whole body begins to glow a very eerie red/yellow. Just as ET releases the powerful blast of energy aimed at killing Alf there is a blue/red streak and Superman The Last Son of Krypton arrives and absorbes the blast.
The man of steel looks at the other two aliens, and shakes his head.
"This is no way for fellow aliens to act."
"He was going to steel my ship," complains Alf.
"Were you?" asks Superman.
"Go....Home," replies ET stupidly.
"Answer the question," replies the man of steel impatiently.
This continues for several minutes with Superman getting more and more impatient.
"For the last time were you going to steal Alf's ship" demands Superman.
"Go...Home," is all ET can reply.
This is all the man of steel can take. He grabs ET in an iron grip and hurles him through the garage and the house. Realizing what he was about to do, Superman apologizes and flies off to prevent a major catastrophy. Alf, seizing the obvious advantage, stands over ET's rapidly whitening body.
"This will take a lot of heat off of me," Alf sneers.
In a rampage that is not suitable for prime-time television Alf hacks and mutilates ET's pathetic body, and in a flash of brilliance he moves the hacked and mangled form to the neighbors house knowing that it will take the attention off his Earth family.

- Jonathan Wyse

Only the overwhelming response for Alf could provoke me to write--the idea of over 1000 idiots voting for him makes me reach for the motion sickness bag!

Let us look at the tale of the tape in a little more detail:
1. Reach: ET has a decisive edge here. Alf's little stumps caused him enough trouble with everyday tasks, much less tangling with the long-armed ET. The green guy stays outside and throws the jab.
2. Waist: Why waist, you ask? Because Alf has gotten fat raiding the Tanner fridge all these years. He's soft, and he has lost all motivation to be anything but a couch potato who can't even catch the cats he covets. ET has been chased by the elite forces in the government's service and outwitted them at every turn.

Besides, the sugar high that ET is on from the Reeses Pieces(tm) will give him the energy burst that he needs to keep from getting arm weary as he drops combination after combination on the furry loser.

Lastly, it must be noted that while Alf starred in a lowly CBS sitcom, ET carried a box-office record-setting major motion picture--who do you think has mo' skills?

- mike hudson

Don't let E.T.'s size fool you. Remember Yoda? "Judge *me* by my size, would you? And well you should *not*!" Do we see something in common here? Both are short, English impaired aliens who can lift things by the power of their mine! That's right. E.T.'s got the FORCE! Sure, you say. E.T.'s a good guy. Well, ALF's standing between him and his ride home. He's pissed. He has the RAGE(tm). He's ready to *LET THE HATE FLOW*! ALF moves in kicking and punching. E.T.'s finger starts to glow, and ALF is soon on the business end of a set of hedge clippers. By the time ALF looks like a poodle, E.T.'s blood thirst has just been whetted. Before you can "say diiiieeeeee", the Tanner's riding lawnmower has been disassembled and twin blades of death are hurling after the whimpering and cringing ALF. Soon all that remains of the alien furball is a bloody spot on the floor. E.T. takes the ship, and on the way out of the atmosphere lobbs a nuke at the PBS studio where Barney is produced. In a few weeks, E.T. comes back with an invinceable army and takes over the world.

- Cory Davis

Alf is always misbehaving and mischievous, old enough to have seen and done it all. ET is like a little kid lost in a shopping mall. Alf would simply pretend that he was going to let ET use his ship, knock him in the head with a wrench and then head home himself, leaving a young sad alien with a Flinstone lump on his head the size and colour of that glowing finger of his. The Tanners, having enough of all the alien hijinks would boot him out on his wrinkly brown bottom.

- Chad Watson

The way I see it's like this. All those years back on his planet E.T. has been gorging himself on Reese's pieces and is a bloated hamhock. Adding into the that Gertie turned into a promiscuous former junkie, he also went back to trying beer. In the end E.T. is left as an overweight couch potato, with the help of the Tanner family of course. Alf on the other hand has been given so many chores by the Tanner family to clean up his messes, and chasing his food all day(Lucky the cat) that he is probally in peak form. So this is how it goes.

"Hey Noodle Neck, this is my ship! Back Off!!"
"E.T. go home?"
"Not on my ticket Bub!"
Alf leaps on the bewildered being with a wild fury of punches. E.T. starts pointing his little finger at Alf and Alf just bites it of and keeps it as a pen light. In the end E.T. in slumped on the floor with his speak and spell shoved someplace nasty and Alf is taking pictures for the national inquirer to make some quick cash.

- rcoughle

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Gary Coleman v. Webster
Ewoks v. Gremlins
Men in Black v. Mork

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