"Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please. Tonight, in The Ultimate World Fighting Championship CLXVIII we bring you a duel for the crown of Ultimate Fighting!"
"In this corner, at 5'7", 195 pounds, we have the Ex-heavyweight champion of the world, the Italian Stallion, ROCKY BALBOA!"
Rocky's trainer, Mickey, pulls off Rocky's robe. The crowd, especially those from Philly, go wild.
"And in this corner, at 5'7", 195 pounds, we have ex-Green Beret, Vietnam Vet, winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor, John RAMBO!"
Colonel Trautman, removes Rambo's camo outfit, and takes away his knife. Rambo steps into the ring with an intense stare, ready for anything.
"Remember, any fighting style is allowed in the ring, but no weapons please. Fighters to your corners ... Let the fight begin!"
So Brian, will the Boxer or the Beret be the best in this battle?
Rambo's true strengths come from the element of surprise and the use of weaponry; both of these factors have been neutralized. Rocky's true strengths come from the Eye of the Tiger (tm) and the Burning Heart (tm), and, not only are those still available, but they're just about to burst. Additionally, Rocky has proven his Grudge Match worth by defeating past champion and unoffical WWWF spokesperson, Mr. T. Who has Rambo bested? A cocoon-loving alien and a two-bit Beverly Hills hood. Hardly impressive.
Poor Rambo will be face down on the mat in seconds. Trautman's pleas to the referee to end the fight fall on deaf ears. As Rocky goes in for the kill, he realizes that snapping Rambo's neck won't erase the regrets of the past: Apollo won't be any less dead, and Tango & Cash won't be any less made. He refuses to proceed, and Judge Dredd rules in favor of Rocky by TKO. The crowd, disgusted by the brevity of the fight and this misplaced display of compassion, is left wishing that they had instead gone to see the more competitive Tank Abbott / Pete Becker rematch.
STEVE: Rambo is completely out of his element? Rambo's training is to adapt to his situation! He learned all his guerilla knowledge in Vietnam. When he ended up being put down by the man in Oregon, he easily adapted to the forests of the Pacific Northwest. He will just as easily adapt to the Ultimate Fighting arena. And we've already seen that Rambo doesn't need any weapons to win a fight, nor does the closed-in space of a ring hamper him. He escaped from a small prison cell, surrounded by four armed officers, using nothing but his bare hands and fighting skills. And he made it look easy.
Rambo's strength is that he can adapt. Rocky is a one-trick kind of guy. All he knows is boxing. When he's up against a non-boxer, he's in trouble. Just look at how Hulk Hogan toyed with him in Rocky III. Rambo will use his Karate/Kung Fu/Bar Room fighting style (where just about anything goes) and will leave Rocky bewildered and not knowing what's coming next. After a few broken arms and ribs, Rocky will fall unconscious to the mat.
Rambo's military training also teaches him to attack from the top down. Get the generals and headquarters (i.e. Mickey) first, leaving the troops (i.e. Rocky) without direction. Rambo will carefully maneuver himself over to Mickey. A quick jab to Mickey's head would be too obvious (plus it would only make Rocky mad as when Mr. T did it in Rocky III), so he'll opt for the clandestine approach to eliminate him instead. With lightning speed, he'll turn his hearing aid up to "10". The sudden rush of loud noises will put Mickey into cardiac arrest, distracting Rocky and making his defeat even easier.
BRIAN: OF COURSE, Rambo made escaping from that cell look easy. That's because it WAS easy. What'd he do there besides knock over a few jelly-filled cops? And even then he snuck up on most of them. Much like John McClane, Rambo's good at hiding and striking against weak opponents, but in the open against a real opponent, he's unproven. And comparing Hulk Hogan to Rambo is ludicrous. Hulk had a foot and 75 pounds on the diminutive Rocky. Rambo will have no such size advantage here.
Let's look at motivation. Who's going to walk into the ring with something to prove? Not Rambo, of course. It's been well established that he does nothing unless provoked. "I just wanted to get something to eat. They drew First Blood (tm)." (That's how they got the name of the movies, there, Steve.) Rocky, however, is still haunted by the ghosts of 37 former friends and mentors that wouldn't have died if he had done something about it, and they won't rest until he is world champion once again. As Rambo stands in stoic silence, Rocky pummels him like a side of beef. This, of course, gives Rambo his motivation, but also gives him a blood clot behind each eye.
And let's talk intelligence, Steve. Intelligence and strategy, in addition to brute strength, are very important in Ultimate Fighting. Rambo is beyond dumb. Have you ever looked at the names of his movies? You've got: First Blood, Rambo: First Blood, Part II, and Rambo III. Am I the only one that has a problem with this? The man can't even count properly! True, Rocky is no Rhodes Scholar (tm), but we have absolute proof that he can count to at least V!
After Dredd starts the fight, the cheers of the crowd flash Rambo back to the taunts of enemy soldiers in Vietnam. After an exhilarating gulp of Lipton Brisk (tm), Rocky steps over and puts an end to the Rambo series for good. Now, if only Rocky VI can be stopped...
STEVE: I think you are the only one who has a problem with the counting. Let me try and explain it to you, at a nice simple level so I don't confuse you. Now the first movie is called First Blood. Simple enough, right? The second movie would therefore have the title of the first movie ("First Blood") along with a "II" in there. Yep! It's there! They've even added a little extra to make it more enticing. The've even equated "First Blood" to "Rambo". Are you with me so far? Now the third movie in the sequel would have a "III" in there. Whaddya know! It follows nicely, and even has a nice ring to it. Granted, by only going to III, it's obviously not as popular as Rocky. However, no one ever said that being popular and winning Ultimate Fighting Championships are related.
And hey, if you want to talk hauntings, Rambo has Rocky beat handily. Oh no! They killed a grouchy old man posing as Rocky's trainer, riding on his coattails trying to get some money befor he croaks. Gosh, that sure is motivation. Rambo can easily beat this sappy ploy. What about all his fallen comrades in Vietnam, who were killed in front of him by Vietnamese torturers? After the first punch lands on Rambo, he'll have a brief (he'll retain awareness of his surroundings, of course) but vivid flashback to being captured as a prisoner of war. We've seen what effect that can have on him. He won't need any motivation after that. In seconds he'll turn into a vicious Fighting Machine (tm). Rocky will be pulp in about 10 seconds. Abandon all hope, all ye who enter the ring!
Thanks to Jay M. King at Linfield College for suggesting this match.
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Years of sparring against sides of beef has toughened Rocky's hands, and given him an awesome jab. Of course, it has also given him Mad Cow Disease (tm). Rocky's bloodshot, bleary Eye of the Tiger (tm) falls on Rambo. Rocky lowers his head, bellows, and charges toward Rambo's abdomen.
The collision between an irresistable force (Rocky's gigantic cranium) and an immovable object (Rambo's ripped abs), creates a Rift in the Time-Space Continuum (tm) propelling both fighters to Bizarro World (tm). Supreme Court Justice O.J. Simpson awards Rambo the Nobel Peace Prize, and Rocky is appointed Director of the Pauly Shore Institute for Advanced Technological Studies.
- Dr. Dave
However, using that logic a Terminator vs. Conan battle would result in a draw--as there are, as I recall, two of each--even though the terminators are far superior to the Conans. But the good news is that they could beat the boogers out of the one and only Kindergarten Cop.
Then, of course, there is the small problem of the Brady Bunch. Actually, the large problem of the Brady Bunch. With the two movies of the family of 8, there would be a total of 16 of them. Except you have to add in Alice, making it 18. Oh, and Sam, the butcher, is "like family," making the total 20. Does this scare anyone else?
Just think of all the Captain Kirks running around with all the Star Trek movies! Everywhere you turn: Kirk!
Then there is the Batman series of movies. 4 movies. 3 different
Batmans. 3 similarly different Bruce Waynes. Yet, no one in Gotham is
"Doesn't Batman look a bit like that guy from ER?"
"Yeah, he does. But, you know who REALLY looks like that guy from ER?"
"You're right, but I'm not the least bit suspicious."
And don't get me started on the travesty of all those "Hey, Vern!" guys roaming our fair streets. THAT JUST AIN'T RIGHT!
STOP THE MADNESS!!! NO MORE SEQUELS !!! IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL!!!!
Anywho, I predict Rocky will win by a score of 5-3.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Barnes & Noble (tm) to reserve my copy of "Grudge Match II: The Sports Edition."
- Mark Wentz
You want to talk about previous records? In Rambo III (That's the third one, Brian) Rambo kicks the ass of a gigantic Spetznaz(tm) commando. If you know anything about the Spetznaz, you know that they are even more elite than the Navy SEALS. If Rocky had been there, he would have been wondering why the guy up in the helicopter wasn't stopping the fight when they got in to a clinch. Rambo single-handedly escaped custody of the Vietnam Army which managed to hold off even YOUR country's gargantuan war machine. He recieved the Congressional Medal of Honor and let's face it, they don't exactly give those things away to just anyone.
Rambo's got the mental edge. Using the Zen Powers(tm) taught to
him by a villager in the Remote Village in the Jungle(tm) his mind
will be clear. He'll react instantly to Rocky's first jab, block it
upward, grabbing the wrist, twisting it and kicking out the elbow
joint. As Judge Dredd watches with aproval and begins taking notes,
Rambo proceeds to pick one of Rocky's legs and drive him to the
ground. Reaching the mounted position, Rambo lets out an insane
and proceeds to disfigure poor Rocky, whose coach (incapacitated due to Rambo's Insane Scream of Utter Rage(tm) which overloads his hearing aid) does nothing. Big John, the ref, has to pull Rambo off, stopping the fight. Rocky goes down in 20 seconds. Pay Per View head office is the victim of a bomb sent from angry viewers the next day.
After he's lost this fight, started to train for the next one, split up with Adrienne, trained a bit more with flagging enthusiasm, got Adrienne back, trained really well to really cheesy music for a while and then stepped into the ring for the next one six months later then I'll place some money on him at any odds, 'cos he'll win then.
Now, first time around, he has no chance at all. Even though he'll hang on till the last round, he'll go down.
- Adam Spragg
Rambo: Known for drawing First Blood.
Rocky: Known for getting blood drawn first.
Rambo: Known for beating the living crap out of people.
Rocky: Known for getting the living crap kicked out of him.
Rambo: Known for bad acting.
Rocky: Known for bad acting.
Well, the last one is a draw, but the first two reasons clearly show that Rambo is going to pummel Rocky. My guess is this will be a shorter match than the Mike Tyson/Michael Sphinx match a few years back.
- Some Dork
John Rambo, however, is well known as a WORST NIGHTMARE(tm) in many social circles. While his experience with amphibious pets is painfully limited, his experience with killing *anything* that walks, talks, creeps, crawls, or craps is not. This is a man with severe problems. He's been dipped in leech-infested pig poopie. He's poured gunpowder into his own wounds and *lit* it afterwards. His idea of "charity" is beating the living Chiclets(tm) out of some guy and giving his winnings to a bunch of monks. This is a man who clearly has RAGE(tm) on his side, and therefore cannot lose.
Sorry Rock, but not even Apollo Creed and his pool full of dogs can save you now.
All Rocky knows is that someone in his corner is going to screw up. Paully will give power of attorney to an accountant who will embezel the Balboa fortune, his son will hate him, his manager and best friend will die, the list goes on. Being a "just say no to drugs" type of role model, Rocky will subconciously welcome the punch-drunkeness afforded by a few heavy blows to the skull.
- John "What if Rambo became a postal worker?" Hunter
So when she sees her champion husband in the octagon with Rambo, who looks and talks and acts exactly like Rocky, she is torn between the two "Italian Morons." The two fighters in the octagon see the lovely lady in the crowd and they both say at the same time "Eh yo!" Upon hearing the other call out to the beautiful lady in the crowd they are thrown into a frenzy and engage in the most heated battle in WWWF(r) history. But who will win? The simple truth is that there are no real winners here. The victor in the octagon will "win" the heart of adrienne, and by law, the sissy child of Adrienne and Rocky. Rambo never had a real job in his life! how could he ever support a wife and child? As for Rocky, well he is Rocky. How many brain cells will he have left after beating himself up? not much.
- UH AaRoN
Basically, Rambo is a professional killer. He punches and kicks, hard; he twists off people's heads and rolls it down a hill with a stick of dynamite and kills 12 more guys. But, before that, he tears the eyes out of the sockets and uses them for click-clacks and also has the ears to hang from the rear view mirror of his Huey.
Basically, Rambo is going to speed up Rocky's reunion with Apollo Creed!
- James Bond - 007
Rocky: Apollo Creed, the World Champion (tm). (OK, so he DID lose the first one, but it sure was a great fight). Next, Clubber Lang (tm), aka Mr. T (tm). Also, he beat up on the steroid-pumped, artificially augmented Russian monster, Ivan Drago (tm). (Now, we all know that that was just a commentary on the current Cold War (tm), but still, it was a great fight). And then, in the last one, he kicked Tommy Morrison's butt. At this time, Morrison was not HIV-Positive, and was in his Prime (tm).
Rambo: He killed a bunch of "elite" troops who were trained killing machines. HA!!! These guys were ordinary goofballs trained to die! Anytime an entire army is bested by one man, you can bet pretty safely that this isn't the crack commando squad they are made up to be.
Well, it seems that simple to me, guys. Rocky leaves Rambo in a bloody pulp, crying for mamma and wishing for the good ol' days of wiping out units of cheesy guerrilas.
- Adam B.
So logic clearly doesn't apply. Now that we've removed that obstacle, I look for Rocky and Rambo to put aside their differences and team up against a greater evil...The guy from "Stop or My Mom will Shoot" and the guy from "Over the Top". Ugh. Characters from such crappy movies should be put out of their misery. Judge Dredd can act as referree, naturally, the guy from "Cliffhanger" can rappel from the top of the cage to rescue anyone in dire trouble, and "Oscar" can finance the whol event. Of course, the guy from "Rhinestone" and Dolly Parton will be given VIP seating.
- 1/2 Nelson
As Rocky slowly raises his hands for the handshake, Rambo tightens his muscles, not wanting to give an inch - like the evil Drago. But as the hands meet, something frightening occurrs. The crowd gasps. Mills Lane screams like a 12 year old girl. Rocky and Rambo are melting! Rocky cries, "Adriaaaannnn!" Rambo cries, "Colonel, what's happening!" The two champions, the picture of health, slowly melt into a little computer generated puddle in the center of the ring.
As the crowd takes in the horrific events that have just unfolded and Fight Doctor Ferdie Pachecko tries to console Mills Lane, a Belgian sounding cackle arises from the audience. The laugh is that of Jean Claude Van Damme, the poor man's Sylvester Stallone. As the crowd around him turns and shoots offended looks at this ill-timed outburst, the Timecop - his movie prospects looking up - screams with glee," Remember, the same matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time!"
- Dr. Strangelove
- Mike H.
Rambo in 3.5 seconds, then Judge Dredd (tm) tries to arrest him for actually killing Rocky (the usual oppression by the man) and he goes into hiding in a mine shaft in Oregon.
- Master Yoda
Then I referred to my book of "Time Travel and Quatum Physics, practical uses in todays world", only £19.99, not available in the shops. Seeing as identical matter cannot exist in the same place at the same time as, seeing as Rambo and Rocky are, quite li terally identical- as soon as Rocky throws a punch both contenders will turn into a big purple gooy pile of mess like on Time Cop.
Personally I'll be glad they're both dead..........
Dredd turns to the two would be combatants, and sentances them as well. "For being twins without a liscense, an extra 20 years. For impersonating a Judge, 2000 years."
Everyone except Judge Dredd and his deputies are taken away to jail. The fight is a draw.
- Judge Ed
With a quick, two-handed jab to Rocky's midsection, this trained killer will pull both of Rocky's lungs out from his stomach. As Rocky looks down in uncomprehending (can he look any other way?) shock, Rambo will slip the lungs over his hands like boxing gloves and begin bludgeoning Rocky until he falls, gasping, to the mat.
At this point, Rocky will start having flashbacks from all the Rocky movies, finally wrapping up with everyone who has died in them in the ring, beckoning him. The entire flashback sequence will take approximately twenty minutes.
As the scene fades back to the ring, we find that John has finally snapped out of his frenzy and is kneeling next to the body, sobbing. He then runs out of the ring to find a monastery somewhere where, hopefully, no one can track him down for another mov ie.
- Tim Bunch
Rocky is in his element today, this is what he does and like Rambo he is very good at his area of expertise. He has repeatedly beaten the best, and proven he can both dish out and take a lot of punishment. He's beaten Apollo, he's beaten Mr.T, he's even beaten that Russian monster, what is Rambo compared to those opponents. John Rambo is just one more in a long line of pretenders to the throne that Mr.Balboa will take down.
- Brendan W. Guy
- Cloister the Stupid
Rocky will be pummeled heartlessly in the first ten rounds. Rambo will be amazed by Rocky's toughness, and will manage to knock off a few of Rocky's assorted thugs/lackeys/henchmen. However, by the tenth round, Rocky will be bleeding from both ears, have a broken leg and second degree burns across his back (you'll have to see the movie to find out where Rambo found the flamethrower).
At this point Rocky will make his patented comeback (patent # 513689276/a). Rambo will be fleeing in terror from the thrashing he recieves from Rocky. Rambo will dodge multiple explosions, load the homeless veterans onto the chopper, and escape hanging on to the landing gear.
Thus, the story ends properly for both, Rambo goes in, gets the job done, and gets out. Rocky is left in the ring and declared the winner. I'll leave the last ten minutes of "Adrian! Adrian!" to your imagination.
Though they may take away Rambo's guns and knives, he will still have his unlimited supply of machinegun bullets which he creates out of thin air. If they take away his bullets he can just create more. and just imagine all the applications a handfull of machinegun bullets can have.
Dredd signals the start of the fight, Rambo pulls out a handfull of bullets and tosses them at Rockey's eyes. Rockey's left eye is punctured and as he stumbles around he impales his foot on another bullet lying on the ground. He screams as he loses his balance to a few more bullets rolling around and falls over onto his face, getting stabbed a few more times in the process. Rambo just sits in the opposite corner keeping a safe distance from the flying bullets from Rockey's flailing. A few minutes later Rockey dies from blood loss and Rambo wins.
Rambo in 9 seconds + 5 minutes for bleeding + 30 minutes to clean up for the next match
Seperating the fact that these would be posers to the crown would never make it past the local eliminations for the UWFC, boxers don't stand a chance against a martial artist. Rocky would throw a punch, Rambo would deflect it, and bring the flat of thi s hand to the out stretched elbow of Mr. Balboa, snaping it as easy as a pair of chop sticks. Then, to add insult to injury, Rambo would pull the said broken arm straight and plant 3 swift kicks to the side of dear Rocky's mug. Once face down on the mat, a quick "flick -o- the wrists" (tm) and the once great Rocky will assend to the Pearly Gates (tm) for judgement.
- The Fight Doctor
In one corner: Rocky: A relatively unskilled guido who can break sledgehammers with his head. He lost because there were only 15 rounds, and Appolo's arms weren't tired yet. This Rocky will exhaust Rambo and then sit on him. Rocky II: Just as dumb, but has a new sports car and a tiger jacket. Also, made it up those stairs. Rocky III: The spoiled Rocky at the beginning will get eaten alive. The eye of the tiger rocky will walk all over Rambo simply that song is STILL cool. Rocky IV: Only took out one Russian. Rambo took out a whole army. Rambo wins. Rocky V: Punch drunk, got the shakes, stupid as ever. he wins for same reasons as I and II. Then you got Rambo's corner: First Blood: Rambo just wants a bite to eat. Mickey will take Rambo to a diner before the match and the RAGE(tm) will leave Rambo. He's satisfied, and will throw the match. Rambo II: will disguise himself as the floor and shatter rocky's knees. Rambo III: is played by an actor who had broken up with Jennifer Flavin. The rage would reign supreme.In short, I voted for Rocky because Adrian gives me a woody.
Rambo stands at attention in his corner, his face an expressionless mask. As Rocky approaches, Rambo whips into action - has no one noticed that this resourceful ex green-beret has palmed the commentator's mike cable?
Rambo, with a lightning twist of his wrist, rapidly and efficiently rigs a trap across the centre of the ring that neatly disables Rocky in a painful, possibly disfiguring manner. Soldier-boy then disposes of Philadelphia's pride in a leisurely manner, using methods of torture that Rambo learnt the hard way so long ago back in the jungles of Nam.
Second, he has artistic advantages. His theme song is vastly superior to anything Rambo turned out. Oh, and how many Rambo films won a Best Picture Oscar? "What does art have to do with wrestling," you say? Easy. The most stylish and flamboyant wrestler always wins. It's in the rules, such as they are.
Lastly, the motivation is all Rocky's. Years of Philly club fighting have trained him to go into the ring with anyone. Rambo, on the other hand, needs personal resentment or the Red Menace to spur him on, and neither exists here. Indeed, if Rocky climbs into the ring wearing Apollo's red-white-and-blue trunks, Rambo may refuse to fight at all.
Rocky wins in ninety seconds. The spectators, inured to such short bouts by Mike Tyson's boxing career, take it all in stride, telling themselves they'll get a really good bout next time. Some people never learn.
- Call me Shane
- Stephen L
It's called versatility, gentlemen. He can box him, cure him (You're a disease...I'm da cure), cuff him, arm-wrestle him, rub him out, or, when all else fails, sing him to distraction and stuff 'im in the trunk of his cab and drive him to Harlem. You think Rambo's got moves? Ha. Rocky will beat him like the proverbial red-headed stepchild(tm).
Considering these results, Balboa better make out his will. The most powerful punches in the world don't mean squat when Rambo is capable of breaking legs or ripping out genitalia while squatting, out of reach, on the mat. I suppose Rocky could always go for the submission by overacting "YO ADRIAN!" to the threshold of pain but Rambo would probably rip out his vocal cords. Then again, its all moot since with Mr. Happy forcibly removed, Rocky's voice would be so high pitched Rambo would not even hear it. All the dogs in the area would probably commit suicide though.
Rambo by six feet (under).
Research from "The Sports Hall of Shame" (tm) by Bruce Nash and Allan Zullo (1987).
- Paul Golba
- The Scorpion & Dio the Sword
You see, Rambo (played by Sly) has an entire nation of ticked-off commies who would love to see him bite the big one (they're not the only ones). Most likely, they will send some ninja assassin to off Rambo.
The smart thing to do is for Rambo to wait for the ninja to show up before dropping to the floor, leaving Rambo-lookalike Rocky wandering around going DUH, hey man, GET up, yeah, I'm talkin' ta you, what? what? you talkin' to ME? you wanna piece o'me? yeh, yeh, duh....and waiting to get offed by said ninja who's too stupid to tell the difference between the two.
Of course, note that I said that would be the SMART thing for Rambo (aka who else?) to do. However, place Rambo in front of a hypothetical looking glass and allow me to issue this well-known WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Therefore, Rocky wins due to lack of intelligence on the part of his lookalike opponent.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
- Colin R.
Come on guys, what were you thinkin' here? Look at the friggin' size advantage. Jeezus! :)
- Greg and Jay
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