World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis


The Setting


"Freddie, we're lost again!"

"Don't worry, Daphne. I'll just stop by this old abandoned amusement park and ask for directions."

Fred, Daphne, and the rest of the Mystery Machine gang venture forth to the park. There they meet Mr. Withers, the park's caretaker. However, instead of giving them directions, Mr. Withers tells them about the recent mysterious deaths and sightings of hideous monsters at the park. Suddenly, from around the corner, two shadows approach.

"Zoinks!* The Monsters! H-h-h-here they come now! Run for your life Scoob!" Shaggy and Scooby tremble in fear and then run into the nearest tent. As the figures approach, it becomes clear that they are not monsters, but a professionally dressed man and woman.

The man flashes a badge. "Mr. Withers, I'm Agent Mulder, this is Agent Scully. We're here to investigate the recent mysterious deaths at this abandoned amusement park."

Velma exclaims "Hey Fred, why don't we also try and figure out what's going on here?"

Fred's eyes light up. "Velma, that's a great idea! We'll see if we can figure it out before the agents do!"

So Brian, who unravels the mysterious occurrences at the amusement park first?

Scooby-Doo and Gang Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, X-Files

Scooby-Doo & Gang

vs.

Mulder & Scully


The Commentary


BRIAN: The way I see it, two things could happen, and either way the X-Files (tm) pair win in a rout. Option #1: The mysterious occurrences at the amusement park are due to some para-normal, super-human, extra-terrestrial, and/or mystic force or entity. If that's the case, Scooby, et al, are completely out of their league. They can't handle real ghosts: Scoob and Shaggy would run, Daphne would scream and ask Fred to hold her close, Fred would pee in his pants, and Velma would try to explain what was really happening right up until she was eaten alive, melted, fried, and/or transmorgrified. Mulder & Scully, however, are old hat at stuff like this.

Option #2: The deaths and monsters have all been faked so that an unknown person, who has already been introduced as a character, may exact revenge on another previously introduced character and/or reap financial rewards. Since we've only had one character introduced, this would mean Mr. Withers is behind it all and stands to make a hefty profit from this charade. With Option #2, Scooby & Co. have a chance, but we all know it would take 5-10 minutes for them to solve the mystery. Your first reaction may be, "Well, it takes Mulder & Scully a full hour." True, but that is when they're up against a REAL mystery, like previously unknown diseases, voodoo curses, psychic powers, and/or unexplained weather balloon sightings in southeastern New Mexico. Faced with something as phony as this, it would be over in seconds. Before Scooby gets his first Scooby-Snack (tm), Mulder has already run a background check and an all-too-extensive body cavity search on Mr. Withers. His ties to the owner of the park are discovered, and it's all over. When Scooby and Shaggy are running all around the House of Mirrors in a precursor to the complicated series of events which should lead to the bad guy's capture, Mr. Withers is being led away in shackles. Not even enough material for an X-Files (tm) promo.

STEVE: Your whole premise of these two options is totally ridiculous. It's not an issue of whether the monsters are paranormal or not; it's an issue of what the Scooby-Doo gang thinks they are. And we know that they always think they're real, especially Shaggy & Scooby. The truth is never revealed until the "unmasking" at the end of the episode. In fact, Scooby and Shaggy always inadvertently capture the baddies with the full belief that they are genuine monsters!

You are correct in saying that Scooby & Co. could solve this in 5-10 minutes. However, Mulder & Scully will still take their full hour to figure this out. Why? Two reasons. First, there is the obvious FOX Factor (tm), where they have to milk every last advertising dollar out of the viewers by keeping them suspensefully hanging during commercial breaks. FOX needs a full hour to do this properly. We all know there is no real suspense in Scooby Doo, and no one watches it anymore, so there are no advertising dollars to milk out of it, either. Thus no motivation to drag out the solution to the murders. Second, there is the sexual tension issue. In Scooby-Doo, there are two men and two women. But absolutely no sexual tension. However, in the X-Files, there is the underlying unspoken attraction between Mulder and Scully. The development of sexual tension takes a great deal of effort, and time needs to be allocated for the relationship between these two to develop. While Mulder and Scully are working in close quarters, repressing their desires, Scooby captures the bad guys in a series of zany antics.

BRIAN: O.K. Let me get this straight. Shaggy is exploring some spooky basement, and the lights go out. He gets real nervous; he calls for Scooby and hears some strange noise. "Oh, there you are Scoob." The lights come back on to reveal the Swamp Thing/Shark God/Rabid Mummy right behind him. Shaggy takes his hand (without looking of course), "I think I see a way out of here, Scoob." Just then, Shaggy realizes that it's not Scooby and turns around to see the monster face-to-face. Now, with your logic, by Shaggy simply believing that this monster is real, the predictable will happen: Shaggy will say "Zoinks", stammer and panic, and then finally run away (all the while the monster does nothing but growl). Well, I say this only happens if the monster is not real (like in all the episodes) REGARDLESS of what Shaggy THINKS. If the monster IS real, Shaggy is going up to the Spirit in the Sky (tm) (regardless of what he thinks). Your theories make no sense and only help to validate my previous platform that Mulder & Scully win this with real or unreal monsters.

And as far as your sexual tension arguments, you obviously know nothing about that department. Yes, there is attraction between Mulder & Scully, but it's an intellect-based attraction. They get hot for each other when they solve Jumbles (tm), not one one of them wears tight clothing. If the monsters aren't real, they won't even have to think for more than 5 seconds, thus no tension. If the monsters are real, there is a chance for tension, but it won't matter 'cause Scooby and pals will be headed to the Great Beyond (tm).

And one more thing. Last year, WWWF Grudge Match (tm) was nominated for a Best of the Net Award (tm) from the wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent, witty, and attractive people at GNN (tm) (can you tell it's nomination time again?). But The Grudge (tm) did not win. It lost out to an X-Files Page. For this to happen, Mulder & Scully must exude a greatness far superior to that of Scooby and minions or any other mere mortals. Nothing can stop them.

STEVE: Ahh, the classic Shaggy moments. They never get old, do they!

For the record, I would like to point out that Mulder & Scully are quite overrated. I've seen them do some really stupid things. For instance, just last week, they tracked this pituitary-gland-sucking mutant (who had already killed several people) into (you guessed it) a deserted construction site, at night. What do they do? Call for backup? Turn the lights on? Surround the site? No, of course not. They go right inside, where the mutant is waiting for them. Mulder gets incapacitated right away, and Scully just barely saves them from certain pituitary doom. Not the smartest moves I've ever seen. The kind of remind me of that stupid family in Poltergeist. When freaky things start happening like that, get out! Get some help!

Of course, your X-Files/WWWF comments regarding the GNN are undeniable. However, I have confidence that they will see through the glitzy trendiness of the X-Files Page and choose a page with timeless quality, The WWWF Grudge Match (tm).


Thanks to Sean Givan, one of the people who suggested the X-Files vs. Scooby-Doo idea. Thanks also to Kevin Bush and David Rothschild who also suggested this match but from whom we never heard back.

* There is some discrepancy whether this is "Zoiks" or "Zoinks". It is left up to the reader to decide.


The Results


X-Files (1168)

out-meddles

Scooby-Doo (1035)

Note: Those of you who we caught abusing the voting system have had their votes removed (Darren in Denver: 443 votes, Lawrence: 60 votes)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Voter Comments


Note 2: Due to the overwhelming number of responses we received on this match, we had to use the Iron Fist (tm) once again. A lot of good responses had to be edited down or discarded simply because there were so many.

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)

I'm voting for the Scooby gang, because, frankly, I've never even seen the X-files. I hear it's supposed to be really good, but when is it on? Saturday night? Friday night? Who in their right mind is home watching television on Saturday night at 10pm? That's when you should be out drinking.

The next morning, while you're hung over, is when you get to watch Scooby and the gang on late morning cartoons, while munching on sugar cereals, sucking down Taco Bell mild sauce (my sure-fire hangover cure), and popping Advil.

Therefore, Scooby, Fred, and Daphne get my vote.

- David "mmm... Advil..." Hyatt


ROTW(TM) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Our foX-Files agents have a two-pronged M.O. Scully is convinced that the monsters are no more than a few crackpots dressed up in Swamp Lagoon halloween outfits (what other explanation could there be?), while Mulder insists that he has finally found the infamous swamp monster that has kept all the locals at home nights for the past century. Once Mulder starts hanging out in the marsh, covering himself in mud and reeds, getting accustomed to the psychic patterns of the beast, the murderer finds Scully alone in the park's office, poring over the financial records. A muffled cry for help comes over the walkie-talkie, and Mulder somehow shows up just in time to shoot the creature in the back as it is about to chew through Scully's neck. As it slumps to the floor, Mr. Wither's face is visible through the Swamp Mask's eyeholes. You hear him faintly mutter, "Damn FBI agents! Those kids never had guns..." Meanwhile, the gang has been busy looking for Scooby and Shaggy, who got themselves stuck on the Ferris wheel and got it started going at about 75 MPH. The moral is: FBI agents get firepower. Cartoon characters don't.

- Cecil DeTurtell


ROTW(TM) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Moldy & Sullen would be distracted from the case by the confrontation of talking dogs. Moldy would be doubly distracted when Scrappy Doo(tm) appears and is proved to be the midget from Twin Peaks (tm). He starts following Moldy since Kyle MacLachlin's career is going nowhere. Uoy era erehw, ood yboocs?

- T. Pierce



Scooby and Shaggy go off looking for something to eat. They find a fully stocked refrigerator near the ferris wheel and make a couple two foot tall dagwood sandwiches. Then they hear some noises and see some shadows. So they panic and run. Scooby hits a slippery wet spot in the road and starts flailing and spinning around. Shaggy trips over him. There's some percussion noises ending with a big kettle drum sound as they fall into a trap and spoil the stake out Mulder and Scully have set up. The FBI agents think they have their murderous ghost and it turns out to be an embarrassed hippie and hound caught in their net. Scooby snickers.

Meanwhile Fred, Daphne and Velma are looking for clues and eventually discover that Mulder and Scully aren't really FBI agents at all. Fred pulls the mask off Scully's face revealing she's actually the "murder victim", a bearded baddy who growls "everything was fine until you KIDS came along!". Velma explains how Mr Withers and his partners devised a plan to scare everyone away from the amusement park, but she doesn't know why. Just then, some bubblin' crude drips on her from Shaggy and Scooby who are still suspended above the group in a net. Fred dabs his finger in it an proclaims "OIL!". He explains how the bad guys must have discovered the amusement park was built on top of an oil field.

Just then the real Mulder and Scully show up to thank the kids and take the crooks into custody. Mulder says "nice work! If there's anything we can do..."

Shaggy and Scooby end up with a big pile of FBI supplied pizzas AND the WWWF crown.

- paTRICK heSTER


Scoob's going down for one very good reason: drugs.

Think about it. How does the "Mystery Machine" crew, all of whom are unemployed teenagers, get their spending money? They are obviously running drugs, a heroin/amphetamine concoction code named "Scooby Snacks" (tm).

"Hey, Scooby, we need a dog disguise. Rip off all your fur!"

"Ruh-ruh! Roh ray!"

"Would you do it for a Scooby Snack (tm)?"

"Yeahyeahyeahyeah."

It explains Shaggy's fixation on them, as well as their ravenous appetites and why those cheesy "monster" special effects always fool them.

Mulder and Scully will solve the case in about three seconds (Of course it's going to be Mr. Withers. Who else?) because the amusement park murders are secondary to the real question: Where are these kids getting the smack (tm)?

Answer: The CIA, of course. The government is running in the heroin as a way of keeping the "Mystery Machine" Generation stupid (They carry on conversations with a dog, for Pete's sake). Why are they doing this?

So the aliens will have an easier time when the time comes for colonization.

Zoinks! This could be a two-part episode.

- Dave Davis


The Scooby gang always, always, wins. Mulder and Scully often lose, and don't mind losing because they know it's all a part of some big conspiracy that they will eventually figure out. (Probably around 1998 when their ratings are at an all time low.)

- Malcolm Z


Will Mulder and Scully get to only investigate in blue light? I'm not sure this time, so I reluctantly give the slight edge to Scooby and Co.

- torn


Sheer numbers! That's all that matters. While Scooby and Shaggy, cleverly disguised as beauty parlor workers, perform complete make- overs on the unsuspecting Scully and Mulder, Daphne, Fred, and Wilma could be off on the trail of the fiendish Mr. Withers. This five to two advantage (four to two if Wilma loses her glasses and crawls off to find them) is the deciding factor.

- Scott


Well, as usual, you both have made comprehensive comments and analyses, but you have failed to even mention possibly the most important variable in the equation: Scrappy. This episode of Scooby Doo sounds like rehash, so the writers would probably stick in Scrappy for a little bit of variety. Scrappy, as we all know, is that incredibly annoying little talking dog that was most likely formed in an unholy union between Scooby and Velma (just think about it: Scooby's gone downstairs for a midnight snack. Velma has lost her glasses again. I won't go into details). Now, obviously when Mulder sees this astonishing freak of nature, he will imediately begin questioning him ("I don't understand. Is this about colonization? How were you formed?" "SSSSSCCOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBYY PPPOOOOOWWWWWER!!"). This will keep Mulder going for weeks. Scully will be in a dumbfounded stupor over the scientific connotations of the existence of Scrappy that she will either remain in the stupor or she will join Mulder in his interrogation. Either way, this will leave the solving of the mystery entirely to the Scooby Doo Gang (who will be glad to be rid of Scrappy and his infuriating chatter) and of course, they will inevitably end up solving the mytery by accident. So although Mulder and Scully deserve to win this battle, there is just absolutely no way this can happen.

- Ken-ichi Ueda


Look at it this way. Where Scooby goes, there also goes...Scrappy. Yes, the mighty Scrappy Doo goes where the rest of the Mystery Mahchine goes. And that makes all the difference...Unlike Mulder and Scully, [the gang] always had the brains to run from the big scary monster. Mulder and Scully still haven't figured out that concept yet. And Scrappy doesn't need to run. (As we all know, the occasional incidences of Scrappy Snacks were obviously anabolic steroids.)

So, what basically happens: the two groups meet the monster. Everyone but Mulder, Scully, and Scrappy run for their pathetic lives. Scully and Mulder fumble with their weapons while Scrappy beats the shit out of the lame-o monster. Is it a real or a fake monster? Who cares? Scrappy could still kick its ass.

- Christopher Bird


While I understand that Scooby-Doo will get the votes from all those people who don't want to lose their childhood fantasies it can be plainly seen that Mulder and Scully have a much better chance. I would not go so far as to say that Scooby-Doo and gang stand no chance but thiers is a very slim one.

First if it is a real monster we know that only Moulder and Scully can handle it. Scooby and Shaggy are always running into the monster and Scooby would soon turn into a real Scooby Snack (tm) if it were real. Moulder and Scully would then capture it and leave, case closed or they might not be able to solve it (yes, it has happened). we will set the probibilities here at Scooby-Doo solve it 0% of the time, Moulder and Scully solve it 90% of the time and unsolvable 10% of the time.

Second if the monster is fake. It is only in this instace that Scooby-Doo and crew can hope to solve the case. I'll be generous and give them a 50 percent chance of solving the case if the monster is fake Moulder and Scully would solve it the other 50 percent of the time. Remember that when Moulder and Scully are involved there is approximately a 90% chance the monster is real. Using this information we can compute the chance that Scooby-Doo and gang solve the mystery:
(1-.5)*.1 = .05
That's only 5 percent.

Moulder and Scully would solve it:
(1-.1)*.9+(1-.5)*.1 = .86
thats 86 percent. So the chance that Scooby-Doo and gang solve this is less then the chance that no one solves it. Thats pretty unlikely. Unless aliens land and give the kids a hand I think that it is pretty certain that Moulder and Scully will solve it first.

- Dave McGee


Scooby-Doo is in syndication. That means that not only can Scrappy, Scooby, Shaggy et al work on the case all day around the world, but can enlist the help of the Harlem Globetrotters and Don Knotts (tm). The X-Files could get canceled before the first commercial break and be replaced by yet another Spelling Bimbo-fest (a la Models, Inc.).

[Also,] Scooby-Doo is a cartoon. Therefore, things like random decapitation and skin-flaying are easily laughed off. Hell, I've seen cartoon characters have their still-beating hearts ripped out of their chest and come back after a word from the sponsers. Let's see that on the X-Files.

- Joe Valenzuela


Did it occur to you that X-Files agents are at a disadvantage based on the setting?

1: Ammusement parks are the type of stuff that Scooby and the gang are experts at.

2: X-Files agents have no idea how to behave, and will be spotted as fakes imediately. They can't act in a realistic manner because they can not have fun.

3: It has the guy at the popcorn stand. The popcorn is being used to smuggle rare minerals out of the country in salt packets. The X-Files agent's will assume that the mineral traces in their popcorn are from transumtated blood and check at the blood pressure test booth. The gang will check old newspapers from dumpsters and find enough clues to crack the case before the agents even find the booth.

- Michael Moon


Shaggy & Co are the clear winners. Why? Because it IS all a matter of perception. Both universes ARE made by what the people *think* is real. Think about it, it explains it all. Why does the monster appear to be real at the start of the Scooby show? Because Scooby and Shaggy THINK it is real. They use their Zoinks! Its A Monster (tm) factor to make it be real, resulting in a short chase or 2. This is, of course, overcome by the rest of the group's There Must Be A Logical Reason, Jim (tm, co-held by Spock) factor, which causes the universe to spit up clues, and eventually solve the crime as a non-supernatural criminal. What do the X-Dudes have? Scully has the Dangit Jim, I'm A Scientist, Not A Ghost Hunter factor (illegal usage, lawsuit still in process). Fox has the They're Out There (tm) factor. Fox is *slightly* stronger than Scully, resulting in a show where the critter flip flops between explainable and supernatural, winding up in a supernatural which gets caught/killed. Of course, Fox's Big Brother (tm, infringement on tm rights [held by Brazil] under government investigation) gets in the way and unidentified people come in, cover the whole thing up, and take all the evidence and the investigators get crap for all their effort.

- Scott M.


When the two opposing teams meet up, Scully finds herself strangely attracted to the goatee-sporting voice-cracking lovable impetuous Shaggy, who reminds her of her carefree college days dressing as a punk and hanging out on street corners. She gets rid of Scooby-Doo by leaving a treasure trail of Scooby Snacks (tm) and wanders off with Shaggy to do some "empirical research." Mulder is distracted from his investigation of the mysterious deaths by the sinuous Velma, who has been desperately seeking a man with more than one brain cell for decades. Together they retreat to the Mystery Machine (tm) to discuss Kantian ethics and strategies for winning Parcheesi (tm).

That leaves Fred and Daphne alone in the darkness. "Oooh, Fred, this place is spooky," coos Daphne. "Don't worry, Daph, I'll protect you," Fred says, puffing out his chest-- but alas, words alone cannot protect the hapless pair from being captured by shock troops from the planet Mongo (tm). Ming the Merciless (tm) has seen Daphne on reruns and decreed that she must be his next virgin bride-of-the-week (tm), and so has engineered the entire "mysterious-deaths" episode to lure Daphne into his trap. Daphne ends up as Ming's helpless love slave, dressed in Princess Leia's (tm) discarded chain-mail bikini, while Ming's savagely beautiful daughter Princess Aura (tm) uses poor Fred as a toy for her sexual pleasure. Scooby-Doo wanders out onto the interstate and gets hit by a semi. Mulder and Velma start a truck stop nearby with Mulder as short-order cook and Velma as waitress, while Scully and Shaggy emigrate to Tanzania to work as Lutheran missionaries.

- Jinniyah


Towards the end of the Scooby-Doo show, after they introduced Scrappy-Doo, they did combat actual monsters. Consider the Hawaiian tiki-lava monster. The monsters were still defeated.

- Peter Crayne


Let's cut to the end of this episode: Everyone is standing around a bound Mr Withers who is wearing a cheap monster mask, much like those of other Scooby villans. Velma explains how Mr Withers was planning to sell off the park to Acme Chemicals for a bundle. Unfortunately he encountered violent resistance from a local group of militant environmentalists, this left him no choice but to remove the opposition. Sherriff JoBob turns to our trusty agents and says "you guys should learn something from these kids." The Sherriff and the Mystery Machine drive off leaving Mulder and Scully behind.

(For those of you looking at your watch, the episode has only been on for 24 minutes, the end of a Scooby episode...)

After running a check on Acme Chemicals, our agents discover that no such company exists. "Scully, I don't like this."

"Hey those kids left a box of those dog biscuts that that Shaggy was munching on." Scully sands a Snack back to the lab on a hunch. It turns out that Scooby Snacks (tm) aren't biscuits, but in fact consist primarily of proteins."

Scene cuts to the Mystery Machine (and to the 52 minute mark of the episode). We see Mr Withers and the Sherriff unconscious in the back of the van. Shaggy's ticked off. "Scoob! where's that last box of Snacks???" Shaggy eyes the sherriff and the plump Withers. licks his lips, then says, "I'm hungry, I want to make more Scooby Snacks " Velma realizes that they left the Snacks (tm) behind. "Jinkys, if those agents get that box...damn, that park was the perfect site for our processing plant. We had it made, if it weren't for those meddling feds..." (fade to black)

- Noel, Minister of Parking


Is there any question how this will turn out? X-Files in four point five minutes. First of all Fred and Shaggy will be drooling over the beautiful, red-headed Scully. I am sorry but neither Daphne nor Velma can compete for the looks of a real woman. However, it won't matter because they will be following Mulder around, since neither Shaggy nor Fred can compete with a real person either. This leaves Scooby to solve the mystery himself, however Mr. Withers has Scooby locked up in a trunk after giving him a box of Scobby Snacks(TM). This leaves the Mystery Machine to solve the mystery but the Mystery Machine is not animated, so I don't think he will be any help. This leaves Scully and Mudler to find out that Mr. Withers is really the Alien from ID4, who is really the President from ID4, who is really Brian(TM), who in turn is really Steve(TM). Thus uncovering Steve's evil plot to rig the Grudge Match(TM) so that he will win them all.

- Michael_Lewis@baylor.edu


You missed one integral argument. What kind of car do Mulder and Scully drive? You had to think for awhile if you even did get an answer. What do the Scooby crew ride in? THE MYSTERY MACHINE! By applying our TV Land logic TM we see that whoever has a cooler car wins : for example, Dukes vs. Roscoe and a million other cops, Michael knight and KITT vs. a big tank, the A-Team van vs. Iran (and of course, the A-Team van had to have a battering ram that would be built in a music video like orgy of construction, but I digress).

Also, Daphne and the gang don't talk about why they do what they do, they have no strange cancer men to hold them back, and they dress so much better! Fred's ascot is one proof of this. He must be a badass...who else could wear an ascot and not hear "FAG!" He doesn't...because everyone knows Fred could, as Wesley Willis said, "Whip a horse's ass with a belt." Mulder just looks tired and horny.

And don't forget this...Scrappy Doo. And Dumby Doo, the pimp dog. The white dog, you know, 70's blaxploitation dog. Don't make him bust out his nine and waste Mulder's ass.

- Masa Panic (marcadv@aol.com)


I'd be lying if I said that WWWF Grudge March's loss to an X-Files page didn't influence my vote somewhat. But even so, Scooby's got the edge...

With all due respect to Mulder and Scully, these are two agents who never call for back up, go to dangerous places unarmed, and have been beaten up by midgets, supply teachers, etc. Besides, it's obvious that Mr. Wither's is the culprit. He's either projecting monsters holograpically, or running around wearing a mask. (Or possibly two masks, to implicate someone else if he's caught)

The truth is out there. Scooby Dooby Doo!

- David Nelson


Scooby Doo and friends will solve the mystery first, but they will not win. now let me tell you why.

At first it would appear that Scooby, Shaggy, and the rest would be at a huge disadvantage as this case deals with death (something that never occurs in cartoons), but the gang will none the less try and solve the mystery. They will go looking arround the swamp (there is always a swamp on Scooby Doo) and find the usual glowing muddy footprints that are always there leading into the amusement park.. The gang of course splits up (Fred, Daphne, Velma / Shaggy, Scooby) and tries to find the monster. Shaggy and Scooby of course run into the monster and after a long chase somehow manage to capture it. The whole group (now reunited) gather arround the creature to unmask it. Unfortunately for them, they realize too late that it is a REAL monster (some kind of Inbred alien Neanderthal/Lampray who has a taste for human livers and is on the payroll of the CIA).

Two minutes later, Mulder and Scully, who have been conducting a thourogh investigation, and know exactly what they are up against burst in with a fully armed SWAT team only to find a blood splattered room with 3 clues in the center: A pair of glasses, glowing muddy footprints leading to the swamp, and an empty box of Scooby snacks.

.....Two weeks later, in a darkened room in Washington D.C., a man, surrounded by a halo of smoke, sits talking on the phone. "Excellent work Withers, you managed to keep Mulder busy and out of our way with your little pet" .......pause "oh really? Good! We finally got rid of those meddeling kids and their dog."

The End, In memory of Scooby Doo.

- Amish Commando


The winner of this match of the mystery mavens requires some analysis of the participants:

Mulder: Analytical genius, can handle the existance of the supernatural and fake monsters, has a legion of female fans, Oxford-trained psychologist and a brilliantly intuitive investigator.

Fred: Wears a scarf. Drives the van.

Shaggy: Too hopped up on various sixties psychedelic substances to analyse his eating habits, spends half the alotted time looking for food or eating dogfood, screaming and running around in terror.

Scooby: Spends all the time looking for food or stealing dogfood from Shaggy, screaming and running around in terror with the occasional "Rook out!" for Shaggy's sake.

The male section is obviously a no-brainer (in Shaggy and Scooby's case, literally true). Mulder has a clear advantage.

In the case of the female contigent we have more competition.

Thelma: The brains of the outfit with a sharp mind and a belief in the rational explanation (even though she runs from the monsters too).

Daphne: The body of the outfit. She...well she wears a scarf too. And she has red hair.

Scully: She has a sharp mind and a belief in the rational explanation. She has red hair. She shoots the monsters.

Based on the fact that Scully combines the best attributes of the two others and has the added Rambette factor, the FBI wins again.

The way I see this working out the two groups see the monster at the same time during the opening minutes. While Shaggy and Scooby run around screaming and looking for food, Fred and Daphne run around looking pretty and Thelma begins to figure out what is going on (while running around), Mulder and Scully begin to agressively track the monster. While the Gang design some incredibly elaborate scheme to catch and unmask the monster, Scully and Mulder charge into the dark amusement park. They are seperated, Mulder sees something that would reveal a vast International Conspiracy(tm) should he have any evidence and Scully terminates the monster with extreme prejudice.

If the monster is real it is invariably connected with the aforementioned International Conspiracy(tm) and a UFO will appear (which Scully will conveniently miss). Mulder will stare at it in frustration mumbling about "Samantha".

On the other side of the UFO the Gang will be in shock at the gunfire. Shaggy will swear he's having the worst trip of his life, Scooby will be halfway to Pittsburg, Thelma will have a nervous breakdown as her concept of reality is shattered and Fred and Daphne...stand around and look pretty. They are then seized and subjected to Alien Sexual and Anal Probes(tm) and spend the rest of their lives living in a trailer park in Wisconsin looking for crop circles.

- Keith Morrison


I like the way [Scooby] spends so much time working on the mystery because it keeps my little brother busy. But in The X-Files, you can basically just watch the show and there's not much to do on your own. So I voted for Scooby Doo and the Gang.

- Kiri Wilson, Altus, OK


It is a sad commentary on the United States Government when it takes all of several seasons for two FBI agents to arrive at the erroneous conclusion that "The Truth Is Out There", when in reality "The Truth" is obviously stashed away somewhere in the back of that Partridge- Family-bus-wannabe driven by those four dorky-dressed teenagers with the talking dog.

Why else do you think Scooby always gets his monster at the end of each episode, while Mulder and Scully waste their time (and YOUR TAX DOLLARS) chasing little green aliens who are probably ubiquitous government conspirators (like the ones in real life)? So, it is with enormous regret that I must concede this one to Scooby-Doo.

Mulder and Scully's next X-File should be how a talking dog could possibly merit not one, but NUMEROUS seasons and spinoffs.

Deny everything.

- Eddie


No sexual tension in Scooby Doo? What?!?? Fred and Daphne were quite obviously "at it" like jack-rabbits. In every episode, Fred and Daphne go off together to explore some dark, quiet corner of the mansion/amusement park/castle. So while Shaggy and Scooby are running away from suits of armour, Fred and Daphne are making the two-backed beast in the four poster bed upstairs. Meanwhile Velma, who obviously knows all about Fred and Daphne, is crying in a quiet corner somewhere, full of unrequited passion for Fred. This bizarre love triangle is what will be Mulder and Scully's downfall. Fred, being a bit of a ladies man, will try it on with Scully, and they will go "exploring" together. Daphne, full of jealousy, will secretly follow them. Meanwhile, Velma will fall totally in love with Fox Mulder, and start believing all his hokum about the supernatural. Then, when they both see a totally unbelievable flying saucer covered in a white sheet, they run after it hoping to discover the "truth" which they know it conceals. Back at the amusement park, Daphne finds Fred and Scully panting away on the Helter Skelter, and in a fit of rage, throttles Scully with her scarf. Meanwhile, Shaggy and Scooby are being chased round the Waltzers by the bad guy still in a suit of armour [who] collapses and ... is revealed to be old man Withers. Fred and Daphne make up, and start making out in an old dogems car under a white sheet. Mulder and Velma return to find a writhing white shape making moaning and groaning sounds, and Mulder dispatches the obvious creature from hell with 6 shots from his handgun. Scooby and Shaggy then team up with Mulder and become roving paranormal investigators, roaming the country in the Mystery Machine. Not really sure who won there...

- Neil the Peel


I think it would go something like this:

"Aha!" says Shaggy, "we've finally caught the monster!"
"It almost looks like he's wearing a mask," Daphne points out.
"I'll just take it off and . . . " Fred pulls at the creature's face,
"wait, it's not wearing a mask!"
"IIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" everybody screams. 

The Scooby-Doo gang winds up on the coroner's table, and the X-Files wins hands-down.

- Tuffy


I would like to comment on issue of sexual tension. Velma, being a lesbian, is naturally attracted to Daphne. Daphne, on the other hand, can't get enough of Fred. Fred, unfortunately, is gay, but covers up his attraction to Shaggy with his patronizing attitude. Shaggy is simply too high on pot to notice anything, and spends his time satisfying his munchies and believing that Scooby can talk.

- Mike Chock (mike@softwarezone.com)


>From the desk of assistant director Skinner:

Our original assignment, the investigation of the mysterious deaths and other strange goings on, did not take very much to solve. We, agent Scully and myself, spoke with the contact at the amusement park--Mr. Withers. Also present during this initial field interview were four teenagers--Fred (no last name) 18, Velma (no last name)18, Daphne (no last name)18, and Shaggy (no last name)19--and their dog Scooby (7- 49 in dog years). Shaggy was quite obviously under the influence of marijuana, or some other mild CNS depressant. The dog also acted quite strange. I, at first, thought this was because of the almost constant contact with Shaggy, and thus a side affect of Shaggy's smoking. During our investigation of the scenes of the murders, we heard a commotion from a distance away. Agent Scully and I immediately responded to what we determined were the screams of the four teenagers, and another scream of an undetermined nature that sounded like " Shaggy, RRRREEEELLLLPPPP!!!". When we came into visual contact with the teenagers, we saw what appeared to be a man in a monster costume chasing the group and their dog. Both agent Scully and myself drew our fire arms and yelled "DON'T MOVE." Both agent Scully and myself use the "teacup and saucer" method to hold our firearms because we aren't real FBI agents. The person in the costume saw us, and changed direction towards us. I tried to holster my firearm so I could engage the person, but since I am not a real FBI agent and have no firearms training whatsoever, I can not do this without looking at my holster. Because of this, I was not ready when the costumed person slammed into me and started pummeling me into the ground. [addendum by agent Scully- The fact of the matter is that Agent Muldor WAS, in fact, an English teacher. This means that by his very nature, agent Muldor is a wuss.] The costumed person had already shown a homocidal, suicidal, and Muldercidal mind set, and so I was forced to use lethal force in dealing with this event. [addendum by agent Scully- Again, because agent Mulder is a wuss and couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper sack.] Somehow I was able to reach my firearm and shoot the costumed person who was in fact a small woman. [wuss] We arrested the woman, and discovered that she had not murdered anyone, but just trapped them in a big chest. It was after this rather normal event that the secondary X-file. After we had solved this case, the group of teenagers came up to us in order to give us congratulations...even the dog. At first agent scully and I were startled, but quickly our tv FBI training took hold and we jumped on the talking/sentient dog. We were able to knock out the dog, and hold the group of teenagers at gun point until the local police arrived to take them to the FBI lab for extensive testing. Test results to follow.

So there you have it...X-files(tm) by an arrest! Scooby and the gang being "probed and such."

- Overlord-JDM


The sheer fact that I own a Scooby page predispositions me to vote for Scoob and the gang!

- Dave W


Scooby? X-Files? Amateurs. Nobody, but NOBODY, solves cases better than HONG KONG PHOOEY. He is the #1 super guy!

- Budo


Deaths!? Zoiks! (as far as I can tell, it is, in fact, Zoiks!). No one ever dies during a Scooby-Doo episode. No, with real monsters, the kids, let's face it, haven't a chance. As I see it, Scoob ends up bringing new meaning to the term "Scooby Snack," while the X-Files crew takes out the baddie in a shoot out, or, at the very least, set it up on a date with the Human Liver Fluke.
This is an obvious decision. Based on the fact that Mulder and Skully are limited by being humans, the Scooby gang wins hands down. Scooby and Shaggy have the uncanny ability to escape from a monster by confusing them and masquarading as an old lady, frenchman, or carnival ticket man. Mulder can only bore the thing to death by giving a long monlogue before being bludgeoned to death.

- Jordan Wong


One would be tempted to think that the (supposed) professionalism and competence of Agents Mulder and Scully would triumph over the disorganized rabble of Scoob and the Gang(TM). After all, Mulder and Scully have the power of the FBI on their side. But wait...

...as the cousin of the manager of Josie and the Pussycats(TM), Shag has access to celebrity, which, if used properly, could get any would be ghost to take off the mask for an evening with Josie or Val.

...and finally, how can any would be mystery-maker dare cause trouble when one has the Globetrotters(TM) and the Robonic Stooges(TM) on your side? I mean, clearly one of the Gang(TM)--(my guess is Velma) has figured out how to raise the dead (see Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello). How can Mulder and Scully compete with that kind of raw shamanistic power? They can, in the end, only deceive, inveigle and obfuscate.

- Justin Jones, University of Delaware


Scooby r bst, ingen protest!

it mens: Scooby is the best, dont protest about it.

- GREETINGS FROM JIMMIE, 5YEARS , SWEDEN


It has to be the Scooby gang, because in the end they always solved the mystery. Whereas in the X-Files I haven't seen very many maintenance men, etc., unmasked for our edification. More importantly, wouldn't you like to hear Velma say, "Jinkies! It was that cigarette smoking bastard all along!"

- Scott Carpenter


Top 10 Reasons Why the Scooby-Doo team will Out-Sleuth Mulder & Scully

10. Scooby-Doo and Co. can run faster than the monster of the week (and have the common sense to do so).

9. Cartoons don't unexpectedly get pregnant or insist on time off for movie work.

8. A Mystery Mobile is better than a rented Ford Taurus anyday.

7. The Scooby-Doo gang has a 100 percent clearance rate on cases. Even saddled with the Harlem Globetrotters, the Addams Family or the castaways from Gilligan's Island, they always get their man (who is usually kindly old Mr. Bailey from next door.)

6. Even on his worst day, Scooby-Doo will not eat a bug.

5. Nobody on the Scooby-Doo team has an appearance on Jeopardy to live down.

4. The Scooby-Doo team doesn't waste time on costume changes.

3. Thelma isn't being stalked by Frohike, which leaves her more free time to rationalize extreme possibilities.

2. Scooby-Doo will never be eaten by a giant alligator.

The Number 1 Reason:
2 words: SCRAPPY DOO!

- Mark McKenzie [ markadv@kinekom.com ]


Sheer stupidity vs. analytical jargon.
Scooby-Doo et al wins outright.

- RyC


It's perfectly obvious. Scoob & the Gang are always able to construct an elaborate, "Mouse-Trap"-esque trap for the beastie. Velma says, "I think I know how we can..." and after a quick fade-to-black, they've got this big setup with a forklift, a fishing net, etc. When was the last time you saw Mulder & Scully make such intelligent use of the materials at hand? They'd chase the monster into a dark alley, get cold-cocked, and wake up with microchips implanted in their brains, just like they do every few weeks. Adaptibility is the key to survival and success....and Scooby-Doo wrote the book.

- Bill


Shaggy and Scooby separate from the gang, as usual, and it isn't long before they hear footsteps behind them. "Someone's comin', Scoob" Shaggy says through chattering teeth, and Scooby concurs.

Mulder and Scully walk out of the shadows. "You heard it too," Mulder says. "A talking Great Dane. This is too weird, even for me."

They begin studying Scooby-Doo meticulously. Scully suggests the dog may simply be a mimic, like parrots or mynahs. Mulder is far past her, already postulating possession by the spirits of dead Navajo shamans, and growing increasingly curious about the eerie, almost symbiotic relationship Scooby has with this gawky, stubbly teenager.

Meanwhile, Fred, Daphne and Velma (I always thought it was Thelma. Oh well) have the amusement park mystery well in hand. Discovering a shipbuilding company's business card in Mr. Withers office, they soon expose him for who he is: George Steinbrenner in disguise! He had bought the park with the intention of running it out of business, getting a zoning variance, and building a new stadium for the World Series Champion Yankees on the site. (Note: Submitted before Game 6. I live dangerously.)

One "Meddling Kids"(tm) comment later, they head back to the Mystery Machine, only to hear the slam of doors and screech of tires. They race to the parking lot, to find a black van speeding away, and Scully and Mulder rubbing knots on their heads. "They got the dog," Mulder shouts, "and his servant." He kicks a pile of fresh tobacco butts. "Stay out of this, kids. We'll get them back."

Scully and Mulder get into their car, but it's the Mystery Machine that peels out first in hot pursuit. What's Scooby and Shaggy's fate? I won't say, but ... The Truth Is Out There.

- Call me Shane


I think it's pretty obvious that the X-Files Team would easily win this little match. I cannot qualify this to the extent that your two debaters did, but I would like to point out that I recently sat through an entire episode of Scooby Doo, and I was terrified as to how bad it was. I used to absolutely love that show. Now I am convinced that every insecurity I felt as a kid was a direct result of watching Scooby Doo and Scrappy too. Nothing less than complete cosmic injustice.

- Mr. Scary


Please note that the overlapping of realities required to bring the X-Files universe to the Scooby-Doo universe results in the following:

1) Scooby Doo and company investigate MYSTERIES. And all the mysteries involve the goals/desires of creatures/former humans of apparent supernatural origins/abilities, the capture the monster, and the unmasking of it in thirty minutes.

2) Scully and Mulder investigate MYSTERIES. And all the mysteries involve the goals/desires of creatures/former humans of apparent supernatural orgins/abilities, the near-capture of the monster, and the dissapperance of all evidence in sixty minutes.

So what happens: The Scooby-Doo team discovers that the only other person they've met (other than Scully and Mulder) was indeed taking advantage of the fear caused by the murders to facillitate a goal/revenge. Villian unmasked: Thirty Minutes.

At this point the REAL TECHO-ALIEN-MAGICAL-THINGY that STARTED the fear the unmasked villian was taking advantage of appears and Consumes/Destroys/Fate-Worse-Than-Deaths Scooby-Doo and Company. Shaggy and Scooby are rendered insane lunatics who only Mulder would listen to, and using their babble, Scully and Mulder arrive just in time to see the UFO leaving in a glow of light carrying the rest of the Scooby Doo gang off to their aforementioned unmentionable dooms/deaths/enslavements/experimentations. Men in black helicopters appear and carry off Scooby and Shaggy. (The eventual fate of a talking, intelligent dog in the hands of Cancer Man is left as an exercise for the reader). Evidence vanishes: 60 Minutes.

While technically a win for the Scooby Doo team, the survivors write the histories, and X-Files wins.

- Jeremy Leon


Scooby Doo and Co. are the undeniable winners. Why? The one thing you forgot - the Casey Cassum factor. Long the voice of most Scooby characters, Casey is a force of paranormal, metaphysical, psychic, and parapsycokinetic power greater than any Mulder and Scully have ever encountered. Look at the man's hair, his wife, his uncanny knowledge of the behind-the-scenes making of Lisa Loeb's "Stay." No agent of the FBI or any other mere mortal can possibly comprehend let alone conquer.

- Loss Leader


First the sexual tension argument. As an expert on being sexually tense, I have always found I am more productive during those unfortunate dry spells when tension is high. Point to Mulder & Scully.

[Second], as has been mentioned Shaggy and Scooby always accidentally uncover the plot. This would be complicated by the fact that there are competant professionals getting in the way of their zany antics. Without that key element of wackyness, the Scooby gang can't solve anything. That wacky chase through the funhouse won't be the same when Mulder pulls out his gun and yells "Freeze."

- Gary


Fox grew up watching Scooby-doo. He's already seen this episode 37 times. Scully was too busy playing with her Parker Brothers Kid Doctor Autopsy Kit to watch TV but she follows Mulder's lead. Withers has been dressing up as the local legend of the Man-Eating Tunafish so he can scare people away from the amusement park while he searches for the lost treasure of Yellowbeard the Peglegged Albino Pirate. Before you can say "Zoinks!", Fox slaps the cuffs on Mr. Withers and hauls him away for impersonating a super-natural being.

- Robert Lamm


The Scooby gang only needs half an hour, [so] they'll be back in the van and on their way to the next abandoned house while Fox wonders if the disapearance of their rivals is UFO related, while Scully will come up with a medical theory of why a lunatic 97 year old man was dressed in green sheets and covered in tar to scare off some people. She later concludes that he has a weird and unheard of hormonal disbalance and that theoreticaly, he shouldn't be alive.

- Marc (qnet@accent.net)


Well, obviously there is no contest here. Scully and Mulder will solve the case while Scooby Doo and the gang are running from the monster with Sunny and Cher or Davy Jones singing in the background. A lot of times, the gang in the Mystery Machine has to bring in help to solve a case like Batman and Robin. When was the last time you saw Scully and Mulder bring in some guest celebrity to help them find the criminal? I don't remember seeing Wonder Woman tracking down Tooms with Mulder and Scully. I could see Wonder Woman starring in one of Mulder's porns, however...

- Kriste Davenport, St. Paul, Minnesota


[Why Scooby & Friends would win:] The ability of Scooby and Shaggy to find objects like ropes lying around right when they need them. While Scully is struggling to find a pair of handcuffs in her Donna Karin pants suit, the Scoopy gang has the ghosts tied up and under control.

- Neil "Scrappy-Doo" Bowen


Scoobs & Co have the advantage because of a) numbers and b) unity. Firstly, the numbers: Fred, Daph, Velma, Shag & Scoob. Already they outnumber Fox & Dana in terms of personpower. But Scooby also has scores of relatives to aid him: Scrappy Doo, Scooby Dum, Scooby Dee, and let us not forget Dynomutt (although how a robot can ever be your cousin... ah, I'll leave that for the Xophiles to sort out).

"But wait!" you cry. Mulder & Scully have the resources of the FBI and other agencies. True. However, this brings me to my second point: unity. When was the last time Fred told Shaggy, "We suspect we know who the Phantom Space Ape really is, but that's on a 'need to know basis'" How many times has Velma shot Fred, as opposed to Scully shooting Mulder? And the frequent cases where "is Fox taken over by a mind parasite/possessed by a ghost/is really a shapeshifter?" decisions need to be made.

Scooby and friends will have the mystery solved while the Feds are covering up the false trail left to implicate Fox in a conspiracy pointing to the Vatican.

- John Hunter


No matter how you look at it, Scooby-Doo and the gang wins. It's simple logic. Consider if you will, the track records. The Mystery Machine bunch ALWAYS solves the case. Mulder & Scully almost NEVER solve the case. True, the abnormal activity usually stops BUT the mystery is never fully explained and dozens of new mysteries are created in the process. Obviously, Scooby & Co are the only group CAPABLE of solving this or any other mystery. If you don't believe me, let me walk you through all possibilities:

PHONY MONSTER: While Scully does autopsies on the dead bodies, Mulder does a background check and talks with the locals who tell him about UFOs, suspicious government activity, etc. Meanwhile, Fred, Velma & Daphne go look for clues while Shaggy & Scooby-Doo get chased around the merry-go-round by the Fortune Woman Ghoul. Eventually, Fred's plan traps the monster just as the X-Files crew and the local sheriff pull their guns on the bad guy...

 
SHERIFF:  So who's the Ghoul?  
MULDER:   I'll tell you!  It's a blood-sucking undead
          nazi racist leech creature from outer space 
          using the amusement park as a forward base for
          smuggling alien DNA cockroaches. 
          [pulls off mask to reveal an ugly alien creature] 
          SEE!
VELMA:    I don't think so! [pulls off alien mask to reveal...] 
EVERYONE: MR. WITHERS!
FRED:     Well, DUH!  He was the only other person around.  
VELMA:    He drove everyone away so he could buy the property  
          cheap and sell it to a developer for big bucks.
WITHERS:  And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't 
          for you meddling kids...
REAL MONSTER: After Mulder witnesses Mr. Withers turn into a werewolf, Scully convinces Mulder over the phone that there must be a least a dozen completely valid scientific explanations, werewolves don't exist and he must be hallucinating. Mulder's hallucination then proceeds to beat the living daylights out of him and Scully spends the rest of the episode performing field surgery. Meanwhile, the Scooby-Doo gang call in reinforcements - former guest stars and good friends, the Addams Family. After Shaggy and Scooby-Doo flush the monster out by eating all the food within a fifty mile radius, Gomez grabs his ill- behaved third cousin (once removed) by the ear and drags him off to the authorities...

SPACE ALIEN: As the Scooby-Doo gang searches the secret passage under the bigtop, they spot behind some rocks the Communion like alien silently ordering his presumed dead slaves as they repair his ship.

DAPHNE: [whisper] Look, there's our silent alien again.
VELMA:  [whisper] We have to figure out how to communicate 
        with the creature...

  [Mulder as Scully appear through another secret passage.    
   Mulder rushes the alien.]

SCULLY: MULDER!
MULDER: [grabs the alien's neck] YOU STINKING ALIEN!  WHAT DID 
        YOU DO WITH MY SISTER!  I SWEAR...

  [The alien jabs Mulder with a metal device, stunning him.  
   But before it can go for the kill... Scooby & Shaggy appear.  
   Shaggy is dressed like a cruise line director and Scooby 
   is wearing a hula skirt.]

SHAGGY: Welcome to UFO Lines!  I'm glad to see you are 
        taking our full solar system package: Venus, Mars, 
        Uranus.  Those beautiful Saturn girls can sure 
        dance, can't they? [Scooby does the hula as Scully 
        drags Mulder's body away] ...and don't forget our 
        shuffleboard... [Monster gets obviously angry]  
        Let's run, Scoob!  [Shaggy & Scooby retreat to the 
        rocks.]
With the alien looking in their direction, Velma starts using sign language. To make a long story short, after a short discussion, the alien agrees to free his slaves in exchange for help in repairing his ship. The X-Files agents are drugged and dumped in a wheat field in Iowa. When they come to, they figure it all must have been a dream...

GHOST/PARANORMAL: Naturally, Mulder & Scully find the evil ghost of Biberace first and are driven off when they discover their gunshots aren't enough to stop him from playing his damn pan flute bagpipe. As they regroup, the gang stumbles upon the piercing music and the ghostly apparition:

BIBERACE: Have you seen George? BOO!
VELMA:    There is a logical explanation for all this.
SHAGGY:   What's that?
VELMA:    Obviously, the place is haunted!
SHAGGY:   Zoinks!
FRED:     That gives me a plan!  Daphne, give me your cellular
          phone!  I think it's time for a new mystery movie 
          with guest stars.  And I have just the college 
          buddies to do it...
Within 30 minutes, the Ghostbusters arrive and silence Biberace forever. Scooby- Doo, Shaggy and Ray enjoy some Scoobie Snacks, Venkman gets slapped by Daphne, Egon hooks up with Velma and Fred and Winston do a high five. With the abnormal activity mysteriously ended, Mulder & Scully leave town to investigate a giant marshmallow in New York City...

No matter which way you slice it, Scooby-Doo wins.

- Paul Golba


If this match involves Mudler and Scully, we have to assume it fits into the X-Files continuity. And thus the true winner of the match is neither party. Anyone see the X-Files season premier? It was revealed that, up in Canada, the government has some sort of reservation that grows super-bees! Now, why would the government foster the growth of a superior power (the bees) unless it was a bee-directed mandate? In other words, this match doesn't involve Mulder or Fred or Shaggy as much as it involves the Mighty Bee! I think it would go something like this...

First of all, this monster, the episode nemisis, would be a sutiable combination of X-Files and Scooby-doo enemies; ie a mutant serial killer who dresses in a monster costume. So even sans costume, this Mr. Withers is dangerous since he can stretch his fingertips or whatnot. But I'm getting off topic, I'm hardly mentioning bees. First of all, the drone of buzzing will be heard, and the Mystery Machine's top away team, Velma, Fred, and Daphne, will be drawn to the scene of the crime. Here the bees, in a valiant effort to solve the case, attacked the monster, who was protected by a heavy suit. Velma will see a dead bee, and pick it up, thinking it a clue. She will immediatly drop dead from the potent venom left on the bee's abdomen. Fred will meet a similar fate as he valiantly tries to suck the poison out of the finger, revealing a first hint of an unrequited love for his spectacle-clad companion. Daphne, realizing that she will never be seen as a competant character until a spin-off series starring Vincent Price, collapses on the spot, directionless and overcome with grief.

Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully (who are obviously as asexual as drone bees, don't get me started) will have come to the realization that the crimes can be pinned on Mr. Withers. They will go to confront him, but will find him corralled by a solid cage of bees. Scully, not realizing that she now exists under laws of cartoon biology, will wonder how the bees could posess the cohesion, let alone the comprehension of human society, to form representations of man-made artifacts with their bodies. She will be stung to death for doubting the power of the bee. Mulder, upset beyond the bounds of professionalism, will realize that such a major change to the team dynamics (the death of his partner) could only mean that he is in a finalle-premier story arc or a Sweeps week story arc. Either way, it is his duty to circumnavigate the globe twelve times, using a variety of transportation methods, and get not a wink of sleep during the whole voyage. He'll be blathering about his mother or aliens or whatnot the whole time, and can such be considered removed from the case.

The bees will turn Mr. Withers over to the police, and recieve a hefty reward out of gratitude. However, brought into custody as to the wrongful deaths of Shaggy and Scooby (found with mouths full of honey around a smashed beehive) will force the bees to rend their awesome power against the police as well. In under a month, the world cowers under the rule of the Mighty Bee.

- Dave Richter


Don't get me wrong, Scully's red hair is a turn on, but Daphne is a babe! Besides, Velma gives me a stiffy ....

- Kurt


... The pathologist's report claims that Wilkins, under large doses of rhino tranquilizers, was heading down the wrong side of the street, with his headlights off, at speeds in excess of 100 miles an hour when the brightly-painted van turned the corner. The resulting fireball was so intense that the three kids and the dog in the van had to be identified by dogtags and dental records. Molder and Scully look at each other. "Three?" A long-haired hippie wakes up in a ditch in his underwear. He knows something happened, something terrible, but he doesn't know what. He remembers white coats, needles, but nothing before that. He feels like he's missing something, some part of his life. In the background, theme music starts playing.

- SIB


on a more eery note, doesn't scully bear a striking resemblance to daphne? she seems to serve the same purpose in the x-files as daphne did in scooby-doo. she gets kidnapped, beat-up, lost, and in general treated like tonto. she also has red hair. however, she has all of the hard reasoning intellect of velma. as for freddy, i have always wondered if solving a mystery was his real motivation for finding the most out-of-the-way forest roads to drive down in the middle of the night with two girls in the front seat and shaggy stoned out of his gourd in the back. and why was one girl not enough? i think the answer to that is similar to the whole "betty rubble vs. wilma flintstone" question. daphne (or betty) would probably be better in general, but velma (or wilma) probably knows some kinky stuff. actually, freddy looks a lot like cancer man looked in his youth. i wonder if scully is a product of a frustrated cancerman/freddy's attempt to genetically fuse his partners into his ultimate dream woman, thus starting his journey into darkness. i'd like to tie all of this together somehow, but my boss, who bears an unnerving resemblance to velma, probably expects me to get some work done.

- jeff


I think this will be an interesting match, but two factors will allow Mulder and Scully to truimph over Scooby and the gang.

Factor #1: Victims. In Scooby-Doo episodes, there is a victim right at the beginning and the gang figures out that one of the other already introduced characters killed him, kidnapped him, cut in front of him at the lunch line, etc. In the X-files there are not only victims at the beginning, but throughout the episode. Since Mr. Withers has already been defined as the killer, (All Scooby-Doo episodes rest on the fact that the killer has already been introduced) then the only victims left are Scooby and the Gang.

Factor #2: Help. Scooby and the gang have the reliable help of Scrappy Doo and Scooby's retarded sibling, Scooby Dumb. They also have Scooby snacks to aid their cause and generally the chaos of the episode. Mulder and Scully on the other hand, have help from Mulder's horny computer nerd-circle, Skinner, and the guy that gives him hints and only shows up when there is no lighting.

I think the episode will begin with both teams going to the crime scene. Scooby Doo, Scooby Dumb, Scrappy Doo, and Shaggy will all get lost on the way in an attempt to get some cotton candy that was left over when the amusement park closed down. Mulder, Scully, and Velma will all study the crime scene very closely. Fred will stare at Daphne the whole time. Daphne will check out Mulder's physique. The crime: Two toad-licking punk kids sneaked into the park and fired up the roller coaster in an attempt to see what it would be like to ride it stoned. The roller coaster went off the track and the two rejects died. Scully and Mulder will walk aside and Scully says, "This is an obvious crime, why were we called here?" Mulder will reply, "Well, there was an old unsolved case exactly like this where to kids flew off another roller coaster in 1967 and died. I think somebody used telekinesis to twist the track and make the roller coaster fly off the track." Scully will pull out her catch phrase here, "Mulder that isn't possible, there must be some logical explanation for this." (Scully's entire purpose on the show is to tell Mulder that his wacky theory is impossible.) Mulder, knowing he is right, because he has been right 99% of the episodes will say, "Of course Scully, why don't you just check your theory out." Then Mulder will scrape some goo of the track and send it back to his computer nerds for analysis.

Scully and Velma will wander off in search of witnesses and speak to each other about the woes of being small, redheaded know-it-alls. Mulder and Daphne will wander aimlessly around the park spouting wacky theories to each other. Fred, being jealous, will stalk them. Mr. Withers will jump into his costume and try to find/kill Shaggy, Scooby's Doo and Dumb, and Scrappy. He, of course, will fail. Shaggy will spot him and say, "Zoinks" all four will run around screaming (except for Scrappy who tries to beat the crap out of Mr. Withers, but fails).

Mr. Withers will give up, and go after Velma and Scully instead. They will be walking around the Ferris wheel, when it will suddenly fly up and slice Velma in half. Scully will not get hurt, because she has to call up Mulder and say, "I think you better take a look at this..."

"Ok, I'll be there in a second. Also, you should hear some of these wonderful theories Daphne has."

"Her name is Daphne?"

"She thinks that UFO's are actually misguided pizza crusts from those guys who throw pizzas in the air."

"Her name is Daphne?"

Mulder will eventually fall in love with Daphne, just like he does every time there is a hot chick and a wild theory. Fred won't like this, and he will try to beat up Mulder.

Fred rounds the corner and says, "Hey, G-man, get your hands off my woman." Mulder will toss out a goofy one-liner, which will irritate Fred further. Fred will run in and hit Mulder a few times. Fox will try to fight back, but he's no match for Fred. Fred pummels him for a while, and is about to kill him when three screaming dogs followed by and unshaven "grunge" boy will run him over. After the collision, Shaggy will get up and try to pull off Fred's head in triumph, because usually when they run into something, it's the bad guy, and they therefore capture him and solve the mystery. Scrappy, seeing that Fred's head just ain't coming off, will munch a couple of Scooby snacks, and rip of Fred's noggin.

"Oops."

Shaggy, Scoobies Dum and Doo, and Scrappy will again run off in hopes of trampling the bad guy. Just then, Mulder will get a call on his telephone.

"Meet me in the house of horrors."

Mulder will go there and find Skinner, Cancer man, and the guy who only shows up when it is dark, and they will relay to him the fact that this is a HUGE conspiracy concerning his father, sister, mother, dog, cat, and fish he had when he was little. He will, of course, bring back no proof of this. He yells at them all for a little bit and runs away. Then he gets a call from his computer-nerd friends who, in return for the name of the bad guy, demand an date with Scully. Mulder gives them her beeper number and they tell him it was Mr. Withers. Mulder runs off and find Mr. Withers.

Mr. Wither looks at him, and the Merry-Go-Round behind Fox starts moving. It comes off its hinges and is about to kill Mulder when Shaggy, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo, and Scooby Dumb all run into Mr. Withers and trample him. They get up and since Velma isn't there to point out that Mr. Withers is the bad guy, they leave. Mulder handcuffs Mr. Withers and takes him away.

Scully gets a call from the nerd herd, and gets pissed at Mulder for giving out her number to a bunch of horny freaks. She runs over to Daphne and pulls out her gun, determined to get even. Just then, Scooby and the gang collide with her. They realize that since Scully was gonna shoot Daphne, she is guilty of attempted murder. The police come and haul her off to jail. Scooby and the remaining members of the gang hop into the hippie- mobile in search of another crime, scooby snack, and joint for Shaggy.

Daphne and Mulder run off to Southern New Mexico and try to find the mystery behind unexplained weather balloon sightings. They will never succeed because there is a big conspiracy behind it. Namely, I make weather balloons that look like UFO's and send them out at 2:00 in the morning, so a bunch of drunken Mexicans and NMSU college students can think they are, in fact, Extra-terrestrial spaceships.

- Some Dork


One thing that appears to have been overlooked in the commentary is that the villains of any Scooby Doo episode are introduced to Freddie and the Gang in the beginning of the show, and are only found out to be bad guys when they are unmasked at the end. In the scenario you have outlined, however, there are only three characters besides the gang to choose from. Since the caretaker wouldn't have asked them to investigate himself, that leaves Mulder and Scully as the real villains here! It must be them, (or persons disguised as them,) and since that must be true, they will finally be unmasked in the end after spending the episode chasing Shaggy, Scooby, and the rest all over the park *pretending* to be government agents. "Those meddling kids" solve the mystery again, and end up spending the next day at the amusement park, courtesy of Mr. Withers.

- Bruce Huffman


First, Shag and Scoob wander into the Haunted House to 'look for clues'. Fred, looking to score with Daphne, tries to shake Velma by getting her interested in Mulder. Obviously Velma is more interested in Scully. She tries to strike up a witty repartee but only does as well as the physical evidence creeps before Scully gets sick of her and throws her glasses away.

Meanwhile, Mulder has been tracking Fred and Daphne into the 'Tunnel of Love'. (Complete with Springsteen soundtrack.) Lacking any sense of inhibition, he walks right in on them. Fred takes offense and starts to beat up Mulder, who, of course, loses his phone. It's getting bloody just as a huge pile-up comes in from the other tunnel. It's the monsters chasing Shag and Scoob! And behind them is Agent Scully, weapon drawn!

Scully fires a warning shot, which nearly blows away Velma, who is of course crawling around saying 'where are my glasses?' She stumbles and falls, spilling a bag of Scooby snacks.

'Rooby Racks!' exclaims the dog, who topples the monsters, 'revealing' them to be that Bishop android and Nowhere Man's wife/ the cast of Millenium.

'We had your Friday night slot, but we needed your fan loyalty!' screams Bishop/Millenium dude and Mulder.

And, of course, 'Allison' says 'We would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for these meddling kids.'

So, in the great tradition of previous collaborations with Batman and Robin, the Addams Family, Jonathan Winters, etc., the Mystery Machine catches the crooks only with the help of the guest stars. Really, it should be a tie, but I voted for the X-Files out of a basic fanhood for Gillian Anderson.

- Rick


O.K. Here we have trained FBI agents with flashlights and guns (and a college education) trying to solve a mystery before a group of kids (60's or 70's kids no less) armed only with doggy treats (which they share with the dog). At first, it looks like a no-brainer win for the FBI agents. But stop and think. What will Mulder and Scully do when they see a talking dog? Scully will try to disect it to find out why it can talk. Mulder will think it's an alien in disguise and ask about his sister. What will Scooby do? Run, of course. With Shaggy and the rest of the gang following, right into the creepy fun house. Mulder and Scully will follow, but too late for the kids, who find that the fun house isn't all that much fun when it's booby trapped. As Mulder and Scully come upon the bloody remains of the gang one by one, they wonder what could have done this. Mulder points out that the bloody tracks look like those of a monster in an ancient native legend. Scully points out that Mulder likes to grasp at straws. Suddenly they round a corner to see a hideous monster ripping out Freddy's heart. Mulder and Scully, of course, shout "Don't move. FBI" The monster, of course, trys to run, only to slip on the bloody floor. Scully decides that the monster is really a man wearing a rubber mask and pulls it off to discover "Mr. Withers". Mulder, on looking closely, decides that this to is a mask. He pulls it off to discover...."Cancerman". "And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those kids..."

- Cory D. Davis


This is Howard Cosell


Assume the proper manner of speech
Today on the W,W,W,F, Grudge Match we are watching a veritable cornicopia of cognition, as two of the worlds most talented and skilled investigative teams to ever solve a para-normal or pseudo-para-normal mystery, both attempt to discover the truth behind (big breath and pause) the mysterious deaths at the amusement park.

Mulder and Scully are trained investigators, trained by the F,B,I. On the other hand, Scooby and Shaggy, have been investigting the same, exact, crime, for years, and every time it takes the whole episode to figure out that the pederastic Mr. Withers was behind it all, the, time. Also I think that Scooby and Shaggy's drug habit will hinder them in the later rounds.

- Aaron Harmon, http://www.longsword.com


This one's easy. Mulder & Scully (M&S or S&M if you prefer) will wonder who Scooby and gang (S&G) are and run a FBI background check. S&G will come back cross referenced with hundreds of mysterious X-File type happenings. M&S will be stunned, especially since they hardly ever solve anything. So instead of trying to solve the mystery themselves, M&S will be busy observing S&G, trying to learn the secrets of S&G's mystery unveiling power. M&S play a dim Dr. Watson to S&G's Sherlock Holmes.

- pah


Scooby and the gang have two factors that will weigh heavily in their favor: curiousity (Mulder's interest in the paranormal and Scully's inate desire to dissect things) and supernatural abilities.

First, curiousity. Upon hearing Scooby speak, albeit in a tongue that only remotely resembles English, Mulder and Scully will lose all interest in solving any mystery. Mulder begins studying Scooby in order to determine if his hyper-canine intelligence is the product of a government experiment to turn dogs into obedient soldiers, or an alien experiement to make dogs the dominant life form on earth, thus paving the way for an easy takeover of earth. Scully will attempt to rush Scooby to the FBI HQ in DC for an intensive autopsy in order to prove that he's nothing more than a random mutation. With both Mulder and Scully distracted, the gang is free to solve the mystery.

The other factor is the gangs supernatural powers: they're immortal (they haven't aged since the 60's), indestructible (Shag and Scoob have survived accidents that would cripple or kill a normal human being)and have the uncanny ability to wear the same clothes for two decades. Mulder and Scully don't stand a chance because they're mortal (they clearly age every season), are vulnerable (Mulder's gotten the crap beat out of him on several occasions, while Scully has been abducted by various freaks, aliens and nutcases) and go through several sets of trendy clothes every episode.

The outcome: Scooby gets dissected (although afterwards a nebulous government agent steals the body) but the gang solves the mystery first.

- Mac


Mulder and Scully drive crappy fords, whereas Scooby Doo and co. drive the mystery machine, The FBI don't have a chance.

- Fat Bob


Shaggy has a secret identity: That of the Second Greatest D.J. of All Time: Casey Casem. (I am not making this up) And Scooby Doo has a really cool theme song (Scooby-dooby-doo, I see you / You're ready and you're willin' / If we can count on you, Scooby Doo / I know we'll catch that villain). The Pride Factor will inspire our hero to heights of courage hitherto undrempt of, and Shaggy and Scooby will be able capture the monster faster than you can say "Rooby rooby roo;" and that's without the help of Velma's MacGuyver-like (TM) ingenuity or Daphne's -- uh, what was Daphne's function again?

- The Listmeister


Who's the thin private dick in the mystery machine with all the chicks?
Shag!
You're damn right.
Who is the man that won't risk his neck for the Freddie man?
Shag!
Can you dig it?
Who's the dog that always cops out when there's danger all about?
Scoob!
Right on.
They say these guys are bad mutha...
Shut yo' mouth!
I'm just talkin' bout Shag and Scoob.

- A. Verrette


At first glance the team from the FBI seem to be out numbered 5 to 2, but this shouldn't pose a problem for a slick team like Fox and Scully. All Scully needs to do is one quick test on those Scooby Snacks and they can put a celuloid team away for drug trafficing, Com'on one look at the Mystery Machine the gang drives, and Scooby's habit, and they'll be safely out of harms way to let the X-File team unmask Mr Withers. I can see it now, "Look Scull I've caught the Swamp Creature", and Scully whiping the mask of "No its Mr Withers from the amusement park". He would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky FBI agents.

- Tony Mills


In the scenario as it was portrayed for us, Mulder and Scully overlooked one vital possibility: the guy who set up the tent Shaggy and Scooby hid in! So while Mulder and Scully are busy processing Mr. Withers, Scooby and the gang discover that Mr. Whipple, the guy who used to refill toilet paper dispensers at the park before it closed, is the real culprit. He hoped to scare people away from the park, then mine it for the raw uranium which only he knew was hidden in the ground below the park. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their dog!

- Dennis Howie


The sudden appearance of the Scooby-Doo Gang at this investigation will send Mulder into fits. He will immediately fly to Washington DC to talk with his "Deep Throat" contact to see where this group of obvious conspirators fit into the scheme of things.

This leaves the very capable and beautiful Dana Scully to work on the investigation. As soon as she sees that Scooby can not only understand the spoken word, but can speak in primitive sentences as well, she becomes wrapped up with investigating the Scooby Gang and not the murders at hand.

When Mulder returns, empty handed, he will find Scully researching the ancient Cartoon tribes of West Hanna-Barbara - in the Varunga region of the Congo and his report that there is nothing that he could dig up on this curious group of investigators will spur them to finish their investigation of the grizzly murders.

By now, the Scooby gang is well on their way to solving this crime, but Mulder and Scully, together again, are hot on their heels. That is until Dana sees Shaggy, the 93 and-a-half pound stick boy eat an entire refrigerator full of high fat foods in a single gulp. Amazed, Scully asks Shaggy if it usually takes this much food to satisfy his hunger. Shaggy states that this was just a quick snack, and when he gets back into town, he will probably have two or three more snacks before dinner.

Dana, being a typical woman, becomes obsessed with this strange ability to consume so much food without gaining an ounce of weight. She grabs Shaggy and a box of Scooby snacks (which she feels is some sort of caloric inhibitor) and flies back to Langley where she intends to do some intense research.

Mulder, convinced that a hunger like this could have been responsible for his sister's disappearance follows Scully back to Virginia leaving the Shaggy-less Scooby gang to trap Mr. Withers and his twin brother Vern in the act of trying to kill Daphnie.

- Gary "Greenman" Greenberg


Mulder and Scully are going to be hampered by two things: First off, they usually get to work off of existing X-Files - which I doubt will have much on Mr. Withers or his theme park. In addition to that, Shaggy's slackeresque style and looks are going to have a noticeable effect on Agent Scully (perhaps reminding her of her wild fling with her Chem TA back in college), which despite his professional demeanor is going to get under Agent Mulder's skin.

I see Scully tagging along after Shaggy and Scoob as they head for the park's abandonded food court in search of some munchies. Mulder, sensing the buildup of sexual tension as his partner heads off, suddenly decides that this food court is worth investigating. As he steps into the darkened kitchen of the KFC(TM), he is surprised by a ghost! He draws his weapon and fires three rounds into the creature, which by now is sprawled on the ground yelling "Zoinks! I'm hit!"

Apparently, ol' Shag slipped on some Redenbacher's popcorn while checking out the front of the KFC, had the canvas awning fall on top of him, and then went wandering around blindly with the sheet still over his head. As a result, Mulder and Sculley are kept busy at the ER while Drs. Bensen and Carter poke holes into Shaggys trachea in order to bypass the leftover popcorn he choked on after he passed out. 20 minutes later, Scoob and the gang walk in with the ghost/alien/mutant in tow. After verifying that Shaggy is okay (the bullets did not in fact hit Shaggy but rather the stale, rock-hard ham sandwich in his shirt pocket), they pull off the alien/creature/demon's mask to reveal...

X-Files creator Chris Carter*! "I thought for sure if I let Mulder and Scully catch me, Id establish X-Files supremacy over WWWF!" he explains, "and it would have worked too, if..." I think we get the picture.

PS. If you have any lingering doubts about the outcome, Id just like to point out that Mulder and Scully have NEVER had the Stooges, Phyllis Diller, OR the Harlem Globetrotters on their show - they do not have enough pull with the Man. Make that Scoob and the Gang 2, X-Files -1.

*Chris Carter celebrity impersonated by WWWF strongman Mr. T

- Dave


Just as Mulder and Scully and the Scooby Crew are about to begin the investigation, they are confronted by Dan Ackroyd, Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, and Ernie Hudson. "We've got your paranormal disturbance right here," Dr. Venkman says. "Only $3500. We've got a Halloween sale."

If the pop icons from the seventies battle it out with the nineties, look for the eighties to sneak in and snatch the prize out from between them.

- Geoduck


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Men in Black v. Mork
Beetlejuice v. The Ghostbusters
Other Sci-Fi-themed matches

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