TOC VII Responses, Da Fillibuster
Let's break it down:
Cookie Monster- His only motive is to stuff himself with all the cookies he can find. He has no other thought at any time. He must represent...PRIMAL URGE
USA- Huge, seemingly invincible force. Not-exactly-100%-competent leadership, but still, they've got some whoop-ass to unload. The US has gotta be...MILITARY MIGHT
Steve Irwin- Willingly puts himself and others into dangerous situations. Gets bitten, mauled, chased, constricted, and pounded, and all he ever says is "CRIKEY!". Always manages to escape alive. Steve has the power of...INCREDIBLE LUCK
Marvin- He is the embodiment of depression. He can make things fall to their knees in misery, just by looking at them. Marvin must be a representation of...DEPRESSION
T-800 Terminator- A symbol of humanity's own creation turned against him, with a vengeance. This one's a no-brainer, folks. Termie's...ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
Austin Powers- He's got bad teeth, and he still gets the girls. He's clueless, but he still bags the villain. All this due to an over- hyped optimism that keeps him blissfully unaware of his situation. Austin is a symbol of...OPTIMISM
Calvin- Imagination...stuffed animals as friends...sees wonder in everything...CHILD-LIKE INNOCENCE
Moses- DUH!!! RELIGION
OK, here we go!
USA vs. T-800 Terminator (AKA: Military Might vs. Advanced
Marvin vs. Austin Powers (AKA: Depression vs. Optimism)
Cookie Monster vs. Steve Irwin (AKA: Primal Urge vs.
T-800 Terminator vs. Austin Powers (AKA: Advanced Technology
Steve Irwin vs. Moses (AKA: Incredible Luck vs. Religion)
T-800 Terminator vs. Moses (AKA: Advanced Technology vs.
Calvin vs. T-800 Terminator (AKA: Child-like innocence vs.
FINAL RESULT: Calvin takes the Grudge Bowl, and uses it as a throne for his fantasies of ruling the earth.
- The Mad Josher
The first thing I see happening is the US and the T800 going for each other, recognizing each other as the strongest military threat. Since the Terminator is practically invincible and the US insurmountably numerous, a two-way duel would bog down into a long war of attrition, going to the Terminator after a two-year bloodbath. Unfortunately, they don't have that long, as there are six (much faster) combatants also on the field.
Machines shaped like men are clearly false idols, which means Moses' first act will be to call down the Divine Wrath in the form of a Plague of Rust. The oxidized remains of Marvin, the Terminator, and incidentally, the Americans' weaponry, will float away on the wind of Calvin's sugarcharged passage.
Calvin, meanwhile, is taking out the Americans' second major threat, the bureaucracy. Though possessed of incredible inertia and insanity-inducing potential, the bureaucracy has absolutely zero tolerance to imagination. They are therefore helpless when Calvin submits form Eleventeen-Zeeb in purple crayon and then activates his Galactic Paper Detonator.
Austin Powers then makes his move on the only female on the field, Terri Irwin. Steve immediately steps in and gives the reproductively enhanced agent a belligerent shove. This is a bad move. Although the Crocodile Hunter is impervious to the Beasts of the Field, the Birds of the Air and the Little Slimy Things of That Gucky Place Under The Log, he is more than vulnerable to other (?) humans.
The elfin Aussie is shortly head first in a toilet attempting to wrestle the alligators living in the sewer system.
The field is now reduced to Calvin, Moses, Austin, the Cookie Monster, and the mob of hype-chasing slobs that is all that remains of America without the military and the bureauocracy. Moses condemns Calvin for not honoring his mother and father and hits him with a Plague of Boredom. As Calvin is the spirit of childhood and cannot exist without fun he is instantly disintegrated. The CM disembowels Agent Powers in hopes that his improbably colored attire contains a Cream Filling. The Turquoise Terror then turns on the Priest of Punishment, who is tired from twice invoking the Divine Wrath and has sat down for a bite of MannaŽ. Unfortunately this looks like a cookie and earns the Christian Crusher a good mugging. The Cookie Monster is left alone on the field, except for the American couch potatoes, who immediately submit to him because he is pop culture.
Did anyone else notice that the U.S. and England are both represented in this match 3 times? On one side, there's our entire COUNTRY, plus Calvin and the Cookie Monster (American TV character). On the other side, there's a British secret agent, an android from a British series of incredibly cool books, and an Australian (former British colony) nature show host. My theory is that they cancel each other out, leaving the Terminator (from the future, where countries may have changed), and Moses (Egyptian).
Now, Moses has the power of God on his side. However, we've seen what it takes to take down the Terminator when he's focused on his objective. Even having his limbs caught in giant gears won't stop him... and Moses's methods are much more subtle than that. Do you think the Terminator would be stopped by frogs, locusts, or water turning to blood? Me either. And how exactly would God kill off the Terminator's firstborn? He doesn't even have reproductive organs (although if he does, i'm sorry for the first woman who has to feel a solid steel shaft). So, the Terminator will destroy Moses and return to the future... only to find out that God was so pissed off at the loss that he destroyed all humanity, and only the cyborgs remain... wow. You can almost TASTE the irony.
- Scotty J. "mmmmmm....irony"
This one goes down a little too easy. The U.S. has perhaps the world's finest fighting force of young adults who couldn't pay for college. But they've been beaten by Canadians, the VC, fear non-Afghan civilian casualties and can't find Osama bin Laden. Austin Powers can and has. The U.S. will fight frantically but with limited results. Scratch the superpower. Steve Irwin will be immediately distracted by capturing the Cookie Monster and poking him with a sharp stick while telling viewers not to anger rare wild animals. Cookie will take a piece out of him, but he'll end up in a Queensland Zoo. Scratch the muppet. Marvin and Calvin are non-factors. Calvin would be too busy playing with some worms he found and making W. try to pronounce "transmogrification." And Marvin... Marvin would be too depressed to fight. He'll go sit and whine to Mr. Lincoln.
Meanwhile, Austin Powers would be doing a saucy little dance in front of the Terminator to make him blow up like the Fembots. The Terminator would live out my personal fantasy and shoot him dead, baby, yeah! (Bang! Bang! "And that's for all those poo jokes!" Bang! "And that's for the repetative reruns of gags from the first movie!") Moses will cream Steve Irwin by turning his staff into a snake (Exodus 7:10). Steve will poke it, thereby drawing the Raiders of the Lost Ark Don't Touch God's Stuff (tm) punishment: Face-melting. Crikey! Now, we've learned in the past only unconventional weapons of great force or temperature can destroy the Terminator. Moses has God on his side, a being that can part the Red Sea (force) and block an army with a pillar of fire (temperature). Moses and his NRA buddies have also succeeded in stalling any common sense gun laws (like, um, banning them), proving they're more powerful than the U.S. government (scratch the fighting hold-outs.) Arnie speaks German. The god of the Jews doesn't much care for the Germanic types, thank you very much. Moses in four. If we're really lucky, when he's done he'll clean house. And Senate. Say night-night, Christian right!
- Hebrew School Drop Out
So sayeth the Revrend-The United States Shall Prevail...eth. Sorry, dudes, but they're the only ones with the needed firepower to win, despite the UTTER AND SHEER incompi... incompet... stupidity of their CiC (commander in chief, for all thou idiots out there, including you, Mr. CiC...)
USA-The Army, The Navy, The Marine Corps, hell, Delta Force (there is no Delta Force) alone could take out the rest of them and still slaughter the concert "singers." DESPITE THE CiC's INHERINT STUPIDITY, the United States has a Mentos Coolness Factor unrivaled by any other nation in the world. It's also got THE RAGE, and The Babe Factor
cookie monster-A blue piece of felt with a person's hand up it's ass. Is that the Hand of Death? No, the evil, but pitiful, Hand of Glut.
Steve Irwin-Crikey. Terry, she might have a chance. 'nuff said. One last word- he's from a country that was once full of people unwelcome in BRITIAN. 'nuff said squared.
Marvin-a paranoid android? oy. So he beat C-3PO. If I'm not mistaken, in Episode 2, so did a battle droid. (PERSONAL SIDENOTE- WWWF still needs a B5-Star Wars Fight other than Ivonova v. Leia (v. 7 of 9!) or Kosh v. Yoda, which was just strange).
T-800-Arnold. Mr. Freeze. So pitiful, he wasn't mentioned in the battle of the bat villians. (Eminiem parody- And Mr. T. Said: Nothing you idiot, Mr. T's dead.)
Austin Powers-Dubya on telephone "Get me the Texas Bikini Team. I have a mission for them." Ok, so maybe Cheney'll have to be that smart.
Calvin-A little delusional kid who DREAMS of rasing hell. Against the might of the US military. Naah.
Moses-Send in the lawyers. The commandments (well, many many of them) are unconstutional. And i know that Christians will be very angered at me for this. The Christian Jihad (At Least We Admit That There IS a Jihad) Will be all over me for that, but no force in the universe can stand up to the Ninth Circut Court of Appeals, let alone the combined forces of a thousand lawyers (it is the United States, not just the military fighting here!). A Reading From The Book Of The Grudge: And Dubya Rose Moses' Staff On High, And Proclaimed Throughout The Lands-"THERE IS A JIHAD!"
Disclaimer-If you are offended by my words, tough. This is America, dammit, and I can say what I want! But i do wish to apologize to those I offend.
- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium
A hyper intelligent robot who talks lesser entities into suicide versus a man who can barely spell the name of his home state? "What a depressingly stupid president," Marvin would say as he trudges off from the sobbing and broken 43rd president.
We all know the USA will win, because most Grudge fans (including myself) are American, and we lead the world in inappropriate, misplaced patriotism. Giving Americans the opportunity to vote for America and then expecting them not to is like giving a starving monkey a choice between a banana and a stick and expecting him to choose the stick. Unless of course it's an evil piranha-monkey and uses the stick to beat you to death and eat your face . . .
Okay, bad analogy. I think you see what I'm getting at though.
USA wins! *sigh*
- Don "King" Milliken
Good god, it's Holy Smiting Time for Moses!!
Cookie Monster - let us remember that Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins!
U.S.A. - Thou Shalt Not Tell Thy Justices To Remove My Most Holy Top Ten From Thy Courthouse Walls. And Thou Art Most Assuredly Under Me, saith the LORD, Whether Thou or Thy Justices in San Francisco Likest It or Not! So there! And "Is" verily means "Is"
Crocodile Hunter - judging from that picture there, Steve may not be just trying to catch that crocodile. Crikey, mates! Besides, God Almighty will give Moses a bigger crocodile to eat Steve's crocodile...and Steve
Marvin the Paranoid Android
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
T-800 Terminator: Thou shalt not kill.
Austin Powers: Thou shalt not shag - um, Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Calvin: Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
With this long rap sheet of offenses, and one ticked off Moses (to say nothing of The Big Guy), I'd be buying Fire and Brimstone insurance.
- Tristan, the Griffon Master, the madman of the midwest, and distrubutor of cold canned whoop ass
I could express my vote in one consice, epigramic phrase, but instead I'll examine each of the combatants individually. It's more fun that way, and it'll supress the voice in my head that keeps telling me to "Haul ass to Tijuana".
Combatant 1, Cookie Monster: As far as I can tell, all he has going for him is his Rage for cookies, and therein lies the problem. Even if we are to assume that CM has been kept in a "Deer Hunter" style prision, comepletely cut off from cookies for several months, CM, being the cookie guided missle that he is, still needs to actually SEE the cookies to fly into his patented form of Cookie Rage. With no cookies in sight, CM becomes frustrated, and begins to chew ineffectually on Steve Irwin's ear, effectively taking himself out of the fight.
Combatant(s) 2, U.S.A.: Guns, babes, a Texan as President, cheeseburgers, and a little thing called "Die Hard". Yeah, I think they might outlast a few opponents...
Combatant 3, Steve Irwin: The man obviously has some kind of disorder. I've seen him wade through waist-deep, leech-infested water just so he could check a crocodile's genitals. That's clearly enough to stay in contention with this bunch.
Combatant 4, Marvin: In this case, I feel Marvin has been slighted GREATLY in the Scenario. Marvin simply would not lower himself to such standards. This is, after all, the robot that attended cars for the lifespan of Universe several times over, and his only reaction when he finally heard from his "friends" was to annoy them by sticking his head in a bucket of water. Let's see the Terminator react as calmly. Sadly, it is Marvin's fate to suffer all kinds of indignity, and as he leaves the ring after despensing several words of advise to his fellow robot, T-800, he is "adopted" by Little Georgia Simms of the South Bronx, age 5, and is forced to dress in a "lifesize Barbie" tutu and play house for the next 8 years.
Combatant 5, the Terminator: Somehow cries, then shuts himself down after Dr. Marvin's "therapy".
Combatant 6, Austin Powers: The man with the Mojo may be one of the biggest threats. He's unfazed by Marvin, not impressed by T-800's small inseam, think's he's a buddy of the U.S.A., doesn't even notice Calvin, has already managed to shag Irwin's wife, is pretty sure Moses is really Hugh Heffner in disguise, and just plain confused by the Cookie Monster; thus, Austin seemingly has no real threat. One problem, though. Even with all that Mojo, in THIS Grudgematch there aren't any chicks to win over, and it seems unlikely that he would use said Mojo on a smelly Austrailian, a small child, G.W., or a really old guy. Austin, much like Marvin, makes a hasty exit out of the ring.
Combatant 7, Calvin: Calvin, as we know, is badass. Whether it's creating sings that say "Love the sinner, hate the sin", or flooding his house repeatedly, he shows us time and time again that his middle name just may be Havoc. And his safety poster? "Be careful or be roadkill" That kid is sick, I tell you. SICK.
Combatant 8, Moses: The easy choice, but remember, he represents Israel, an old college buddy of U.S.A.'s. Plus, he's well known as a pretty smart guy. It's unlikely Moses will decide to go Old Testament on anyone's ass until the wheat has been seperated from the chaff, so to speak.
In the end, we are left with Moses, Calvin, Steve Irwin with a soggy ear, and the United Staes. Calvin and Steve engage in beserker combat, biting, clawing, and poking eyes whenever possible. Gen. Tommy Franks, a man whose mantra is "If you're going to blow it up, you'd better make the explosion really freaking big", decides that now is the time for the innocently named, yet 500 ton, Daisy Cutter Bomb. When the dust clears, Moses is unharmed, but Calvin and Steve are scattered about in a 3 mile radius. Parts of them, anyway. Moses, glad the U.S. has won, reclaims his post as ancient history figure, and within minutes vendors are selling "I saw the Cookie Monster, the U.S., Steve Irwin, Marvin the Paranoid Android, T-800, Austin Powers, Calvin, and Moses locked in mortal combat, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirts for twenty bucks each. And that consice, epigramic phrase? "USA! USA! USA! WOOOOOOOO!!!"
- Johnny Ginter
Cyborgs? Tanks? Transmogrifiers? PLEASE! The real winners of this match will undoubtedly be the HORDES UPON HORDES of small-bladdered commuters who decend upon the arena LATE in a foaming rage after having been stuck in COMPLETELY non-moving traffic on I-95 for 4 HOURS only to spend another 2 hours winding their ways through the labryinthine, M.C. Escher-like streets of Northwest DC ONCE THEY ACTUALLY FREAKIN' GET THERE!!! Take it from a man who goes clubbing in DC every week: even Steve Irwin has never cut his way through a jungle THIS rough.
- RoboGoober98 (offering a special prayer that they mow down Calvin FIRST!)
It'll be a bloodbath! Marvin will depress the Terminator into destroying himself(again!), Cookie Monster will annoy Calvin till he sics Hobbes on him,Austin will chat with Moses until Moses is disturbed by all of Austins sinning "You have single-handely managed to break all Ten Commandments before you were even born!!" "Groovy baby,yeah!" "You are not a man of God... I outta bust a cap in your ass!!' Just then Moses turns his staff into a shotgun and starts shooting at Austin.Austin jumps into his car and travels back to the 50's or something. Steve Irwin approaches Hobbes after seeing him eat Cookie Monster "Ohh this must be the wild and savage Homicidal-Gahhhh!" Hobbes pounces Irwin and after a long struggle Hobbes is tamed and neutered,and Steve takes him to a wildlife preservation with his wife forgetting all about the match.Meanwhile Calvin runs and accidently and unfortunately runs into Marvin,something he would later regret.
Moses begins talking to Marvin and they go about a long deep conversation on suffering,the virtues of life,and Kill-O-Zap guns as they walk off into the sunset.the U.S.A. wins for being the only ones left standing after lazily waiting out the match and not getting involved because nobody was stupid enough to mess with them.
- Morbid-Harbinger of Doom
Reality TV and Death Star escapes are all well and good, but it's nice to see the TOCs still have room for a good, old-fashioned brawl. That said, you've sealed the U.S. of A's fate by putting President Curious George (TM) at the helm. Moses will dispatch of the army by summoning the 13th plague: budget cuts. Then he will calmly remind George who's really in charge. The President will exit, and give a warm speech to the American citizens to think less of war and more of their own "redemptification"(TM). His mission done, Moses will head back to Heaven, seeing the Grudge Match is in good hands. After all, it's run by a David, a Mark, a John, a Joseph, two Pauls, a Stephen, and Brian. (Remember "The Life of Brian?") Mr. T's Christianity is just icing on the cake. Of the six remaining, Austin Powers will be the first to go. Seeing Terri Irwin cheering her husband on, his mojo will remind him that he hasn't bedded enough Australians to make his weekly quota. Fortunately, his series of sex jokes, with many references to lizards and "down under", provoke the Burmese python Terri is holding. Faster than you can say "Blimey! 'E ripped the bloke's bloody throat out!", Austin's done for. Steve Irwin himself, however, has met his match. "Crikey! Could this be the legendary Cookie Monster? They say this beast can eat up to three times 'is own weight every day." He pulls a ginger snap from his pocket. "'Ere you are. Good monster. Want me biscuit?" Seconds later, Steve has narrowly survived a horrible Muppet Gumming (TM) that would drive any other man to insanity. "Let's go home, luv." he moans as Terri helps him stand.
The Terminator levels his gun at Marvin. "Where is John Connor?" "I have no idea, but you'll surely kill me anyway. I wonder if you have enough creativity to make me suffer first. With my luck, I'll suffer anyway, and languish for years, wishing it would all just end..." Like many machines before him, the Terminator commits suicide. He activates his internal self-destruct. As the two are engulfed by the explosion, Marvin is heard to comment: "What a depressingly stupid death. Even those Monty Python idiots died in better ways than this..." Calvin, meanwhile, has been using his Rollerball tactics - using his agility and diminuitive size - to bide his time. Now only the Cookie Monster remains. Calvin pulls out his secret weapon: Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! (TM) Cookie devours the box and goes on a nuclear-powered sugar rush, causing the demolition of some 20 city blocks. When he stops, belches, and passes out, Calvin trusses the bloated monster and drags him away. "This'll gross out Susie for sure!"
- Oxymoron: Founder of the First Church of Calvinism
Sure, this is a close match, however, I'm bettin' all my money on Marvin. I have a few ideas on how this fight would go.
A. The fight would rage, never stopping. The carnage is all around. All over, bodies are flying all over the place. And where would Marvin be, you ask? He would be sulking in a corner. Once there is one more left, then the only task is to eliminate the target.
B. Now, because of Marvin's depression, he has low self-esteem. And because of that low self-esteem, he has no ego. (Sure. He brags a bit, but that does him nothing personally.) So every time he killed someone, he would still be depressed. He wouldn't care if he killed the most. He would go back to sulking, as if nothing happened.
C. Who said I had a THIRD one?! Okay. You want something here? Fine. As the fight goes, a giant matress comes outta nowhere and attacks the fighters. Marvin would be in the corner.
D. What more do you want from me?! Okay. The fourth one. KABOOM! Planet blows up, Marvin lives. The End. There. Those were my reasons as to why Marvin would win. That enough for you? Or should I give you a FIFTH FREAKIN' REASON?!
Before we start, let's look at all the pluses the contestants have:
T-800 Terminator: Some guns Really hard exoskeleton (or is it a cryoskeleton?) Cool accent Almost mentos-coolness
With this in mind, we can guess that the scenario is going to look like this: American infantery will enter the scene, only to be held at bay by the Terminator. "Hastala vista Private Ryan, hastalavista Kelly's Heroes, hastalavista Full Metal Jacket". President Bush watches the scene from the White House, listening to his advisors. "Sir! Our infantery is held back by one single robot! The casualties are getting to big." "Ronald Reagan never had to put up with this kind of stuff." "Mr President, please?" "Er... continue the assault. We still have our tanks and fighters, and the american spirit." "Cooooooooooookies." "Die hellspawn." Moses says and shoots Cookie Monster betwheen the strange eyes. He cleans his gun from the NRA and looks up in the sky, watching the american airforce trying to fight the space-ship belonging to Spaceman Spiff. "This is my battle, I don't need God's help... yet." Moses says and takes up another gun. Soldiers are coming his way.
Meanwhile, Austin Powers is having problems with one of the tanks. He makes a strange-looking stunt and gets up on the tank. This is not what he expected. But he has a plan. "I must find the self-destruct button. Everything has a self-destruct button." "What's he doing?" can be heard from the tank. "Yeah baby! There it is!" he says, pushes it and jumps off. "I didn't know we had a self-destruct bu..." is the last heard from the tank before it explodes. "Look over there, there's a brit. Brits are very dangerous, and they hate if you slap them in the face." "Ouch. Hey, what are you doing." "Look, soon is the wombatwuss really mad. Look when I slap the mate again." A fistfight breaks out, but the two combatants don't know that they are being spying on by some soldiers. They don't like what they are seeing. "Come in White House! Come in White House! We have spotted one of the terrorists, and it´s a brit. And he has gay clothing." "WHAT! Give me the radio!" Bush screams to his advisor "New priority everyone. There has been a brit spotted with the terrorists. A gay britt. We must make an example for the world. Get me the brits head on a plate!" Moses, the Terminator and Calvin looks rather surprised when all their enemies just leaves them and attacks Austin with everything they got. Steve of course survives the crossfire. "I told ya! The wombatwusses are very dangerous, dragging all kind of shit to it. Oh look, a M1A2 Abrams! It's gorgerous. Let's throw a greneade at it and see if it pisses it off." "Mr President" one of the advisors says at the White House, "that brit we just killed, wasn't that the hero who captured Usama for us." "Ooops." "And that was not gayclothes, they just looked funny." "Stop it! How big are our casualities?" "We have lost 42% of our fighting force." "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" "Shall I order a retreat?" "No, we shall fight to the last man. But get some guys down to the basement... I got some nice presents for our terrorist there."
Moses walks through piles of dead soldiers, emptying his last uzi at some infantry who tries to run away. Now he just has his staff (and his beard) left, and the battlefield is still sprawling with soldiers and tanks. But Moses notices something from one of the piles. A short figure is watching him. "It's my archenemy Oldman Smellbad. This looks like a work for Stu..." "I heard of you. People call you things like Spaceman Spiff, Stupendous Man..." "Hey! But I am Stupendous Man!" "... and Tracer Bullet." "Look, I have a cape. My mother made i... er... I really warn you!" "You are Calvin!" The short figure becomes silent a while, looking down at Moses. The battle betwheen the army, the Terminator and the Crocodile Hunter is heard in the background. Then the figure speaks. "Yes, I am Calvin. But that's not going to help you, adult. You are unarmed and I still got my powers left." "I have heard that you don't have any real friends except that tiger who almost won the fifth or the third tournament, depending on how you count. I will teach you the meaning of having powerful friends." Moses decides it's time to contact God. "Hello, you have come to Bill Gate's answering machine. Please leave a message and I will perhaps call you after I have bathed in my money." Calvin gets very suprised when Moses dies in a heart-attack. Meanwhile, under the White House. "What kind of nukes are these?" "That's the presidents secret nukes he kept for emergencies like this." "Good... but general... do the White House have any access to robots?" "No..." "Oh my god, it's one of the terrorists! Call security!" "I met your security on the way here" Marvin starts, "they were going to shoot me because they hate me. Everyone hates me." "Stop it. I have a gun!" "Are you also going to shoot me. The security tried but they hated me so much and didn't stand me so they decided to take their own lives instead." "Stop it!" "Mr President! The robot known as the terminator is down, but we only have 16% of our soldiers left and we still have the australian and the young boy left and I don't think our boys can handle it." "Are the nukes ready get?" "The people we sent to the basement isn't answering." *long dramatic pause* "Get my plan ready. We are leaving. I am just going to my room to get my playstation."
"Not so fast, Mr President." a dark voice interrupts. "Who the heck are..." Bush yells and spins around, looking straight into a tall figure in a black cape "I recognize you. You are the one that stole my IRS." "Look out Mr President, it's Death!" screams one of the advisors. "It's not my time to die yet." "That's rigt... I am not here to take your soul... I am here to give you an offer..." "Offer?" "No Mr President, he wants your soul!" "The situation is going... out of hand of you... you don't have the resources to win this battle..." "Yeah, but..." "But I am willing to give back... the IRS to you... the berserking madness inside the IRS... could just be enough for you to win." "He's lying Mr President!" "Can you prove that you are Death?" "Yes..." "No Mr President, he will..." "On him." Bush says, pointing at the advisor. "Mr President! Noooooooooooooo!" The advisor falls dead down, hands clawing at his own throat. "But what do you want in return of the IRS?" "Let us discuss that... another time... if you want the IRS... you must take it now..." "What the heck. Deal!" "What a gorgerous hand-grenade! Grenades are very dangerous. I am going to pull out the pin and put the grenade in my mouth." Do we need to say more? Calvin stands on the wreck of the last tank, looking for his paperbox. "I must find the transmogrifier or what ever it was and change it to a duplicator. Marvin is here somewhere, and he's not an easy one..." But he stops in the middle of the sentence, it is something marching out of the White House armed to the teeth, "Oh my god... the IRS." Calvin is for the first time during this battle looking nervous.
Back at the begining of time, Marvin steps out of a paperbox. It stands time-machine on it. "They shoot away my leg, everyone wants to shoot me. The whole world hates me. I didn't even hated that leg as much as I hated the other, I only loathed it. And of course, after they shoot away my leg, I have to fall. And where? Into some stupid boy's time-machine. I hate timetravel." "Look when the IRS attacks him! This is much cooler than playstation!" "Mr President, it looks like the IRS are loosing." "They can't loose! They are the IRS. It's something wrong with them." "And I just got a call from the cellar." "Why is the IRS loosing?" "Mr President, the nukes are launched." "Ah good, I hope they got both that boy and the IRS. They don't deserve to live after loosing to a boy." "They were aimed at New York, Chicago, LA and every other big city in USA." "I can't understand what's with ther IR... whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" "The people down the basement said that they were going to take suicide and take the whole USA with them... and... and they pressed the self-destruct button." "I didn't knew that we had one..." Then there was a big light... "There goes the White House. Calvin is victorius." Hobbes puts down the binoculuars and sits down and waits. After a while, Death comes. "You can take of your mask now, at least one of them." Darth Vader takes of his skeletonmask. "Where's the money?" "Here it is. Thank you for giving Bush stormtroopers in disguise. That was really fun." "I was only after the money. That stupid Death Star exploded again during that match betwheen Mr T and Jesse Ventura. Bloody piece of junk." "Well, thank you. Calvin deserved this after loosing to that Bart Simpson." (Calvin got grounded for one week after his parents caught him. They extended it to two weeks when he told them that he was involved in the destruction of the whole USA)
While the US army is the best in the world, and the largest force on this battlefield, they are being commanded by a blundering idiot.Furthermore, they face unbeatable foes (such as God), as seen in this conversation between two US soldiers on the battlefield: GI#1: Hah! This bunch of cowboys won't even know what hit them. GI#2: Yeah, we'll crush them just like we did those Canadian bastar....HOLY SH*T!!!! (both dodge for cover as a fighter jet comes spiriling down, spewing flames) GI#1: Where, in God's name, did that lightening come from?? (over the radio)" THIS IS THE PRESIDENT ALL AIR UNITS RETREAT TO CAMP DAVID!! GROUND FORCES PREPARE TO...[static]" GI#2: LOOK! its the Terminator!! The terminator deals with the troops in 10 seconds flat, while a combination of Cookie Monster's charge to the Food Court (tm), charging through tank walls and anything else in his path, and Calvin's snowballs (he always has snowballs with him) immobilize the tanks. Whatever forces remain follow Austin Powers with their binoculars and video cameras as he escorts his beauties to the nearest hotel. The croc hunter sets upon the others and kills Moses and Calvin, before leading several democrat politicians on a charge against the white house, which ultimately fails when they find the front door locked and the Lawn Sprinkler System (tm) launches a surprise counter- attack. And what of Marvin? Marvin sits among the carnage, bemoaning his sorry existance, and at the clearing of the smoke, stands up and in his depressing way takes on the heavy burden of victory, since no one else is left.
- Dan "D" Man
This is an amazing match up of primal forces of Grudgematch nature disguised as ordinary contenders easily percieved in the real universe. To break each contender into their components: Cookie Monster = The Munchies(tm) The Crocodile Hunter = Australia/Animal Planet The Terminator = Brute Strength Marvin = Intelligence/Sexual Repression Calvin = Chaos(tm) Moses = The Wrath of God(tm) Austin = Mojo(tm) The U.S.A = An illiterate (ungrammarical, if you will) puppet of the oil industry (hopefully this match will be over before voting on the the proposed "Homelands Security" Acts). Obviously, two of these forces are in direct cosmic opposition, and therefore must cancel out. In short, Austin and Marvin will meet, touch, and disappear in a psychadellic cloud of smoke. Meanwhile, Chaos triumphs over brute strength, so Arnold, thinking that Calvin is John Conner, allows himslef to be reprogrammed. Unfortunately, Calvin manages to blow up the robot almost without thinking.
Then God has always triumphed over Chaos (i.e., Moses uses that staff to whup Calvin back into the third grade where he belongs). Now the U.S.A. comes briefly into play, thinking that Moses is, in fact, Ossama. Moses, good for only one miraculous ass kicking per day, goes down in a rain of sniper fire, never to be heard from again. Following that Steve Irwin uses his legion of marsupials, crocs, lizards, snakes, and outher 'bauts from the Outback to defeat the small military detatchment Bush is able to deploy (Australia is cooler and more confusing than the U.S.A., as proved by the existence of the wombat, the koala, and especially the duck-billed platypus). Unfortunately, Irwin's victory is inextricably linked to the Discovery Chanel, which (ask any stoner) always ends in... the munchies. Therefore, Cookie Monster bites Irwin's Head off ("'E's a mite dangerous, this one. So's I -- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!) thus winning the match.
- Captain "Hey, it made sense at the time" Obvious
Alright...when you get right down to it, this matches are all about motivation. Who's got the motivation in this line-up? The googly- eyed glutton? The mindless robot? The nation that's backed by a blithering idiot? NO. MOSES has the motivation. If Croc Boy loses, he just gets snubbed by the snakes for awhile. Marvin doesnt care either way. If Moses loses, he pisses off God. The one person in the whole universe you dont want to piss of is God. If Moses loses this match and, being God's champion, makes Him look bad, Moses is toast. Leprosy, flames, crabs, AIDS, poison monkeys, and constant rape by a sumo wrestler are just the beginning. Moses has got eternal torment to deal with--no one else has that kind of motivation.
- Miner Cotren
We can count out Moses, and his pal the Lord Jehovah, right from the start. This desert God may have been mighty once, and may even have created the world, but nowadays the Republican Party throws only an occasional bone to the Christian right, largely ignoring the moral commandments of the Almighty in favor of advancing corporate globalism, because God doesn't get as many votes as money does. So, Dubya and the U.S. Army trump the God of the Israelites and his Lawgiver. But no number of armed combatants can stop the One Man Army, Ahnuld, even when he is not in Terminating mode. Terminator beats Dubya and the Army. The Cookie Monster has faced off against the forces of God before, and won, unscathed by funding cuts. But he couldn't finish them off and the fight was occasionally close. So we conclude that the Cookie Monster ranks probably between God and the U.S. Army, very likely no match for the Terminator.
One can't say as much for Steve Irwin. Jehovah created the beasts and monsters of the world, and can manhandle them better than Irwin does. The Crocodile Hunter comes in dead last in this group of eight. If Dr. Evil makes it far enough into the 21st century, he will invent a Terminator, or something even worse. And Austin Powers will handle it just fine. Austin Powers beats Terminator. Austin Powers has shown remarkable abilities at survival in trying circumstances over long spans of time, but Marvin the Paranoid Android has a stronger track record. Austin Powers is not going to last nearly as long as Marvin already has, facing menaces far greater than Dr. Evil. That planet-sized brain must be good for something. So the final question, then, is: can a brain the size of a planet handle Calvin? We all know the answer is no.
- KP, the unacknowledged expert on all matters
As much as I love the United States. I've got to go with Moses here. Usually America knows not to get into battles it can't win, with the possible exceptions of Vietnam and Tripoli. America always sides with Israel, why, being that way they're always on the winning side. Sorry, you don't pitch against someone batting 1.000 in battle. A plague of frogs attack the crock hunter. Calvin Breaks out in sores. Austin and the rest of them break out in hives. The USA is covered in darkness until Moses is declared Holy Buttkicking Victor.
- poLiTicalLy N-ko/wrecked
Although I have been advised not to, I'm going to play... the Race Card (TM).
You see, every TOC champion so far has been of a different race. Using this logic, the winner of this match will not be of the same ethnicity as a previous winner. Now, let's see:
MST3K, consisting of a WASP and two robots, won TOC IV. This eliminates the Terminator and Marvin (the robots) and the WASP contingent (Calvin, Austin Powers, Steve Irwin, and USA- come on, 42 WASP presidents out of 43? How could you count America as anything else?)
TOC V was won by Yoda, who is at least part Muppet. This eliminates Cookie Monster, leaving Moses as the sole remaining contestant. After his victory by default, the Egyptian press blames the whole thing on a "Zionist conspiracy"... I guess they still haven't gotten over the Ten Plagues.
- The Amazing Rando~!
A very interesting match... I just couldn't resist sending a message for this one. At first glance, the match seems extremely lop-sided. I mean, the world superpower is one of the contestants! Who can compete with the USA? Not the Cookie Monster, that's for sure. Just about the only thing that he's got going for him is that he's sure to leave a stain. Calvin... let's see. Spaceman Spiff sets his mertilizer on "deep- fry" and toasts everything in sight... then his parents tell him to stop stabbing their map of the world with a fork, and his fantasy ends there. Nope, no threat. Moses? The power of God is behind him, but wait! He disobeyed God! It's 40 years of wandering for you, big guy, and don't even THINK about entering the Promised Land... no win for you! The Terminator may be buff, but let's not forget that there are nearly unlimited forces of tanks, attack helicopters, and (I almost forgot) nukes ready to blast the metal man into pieces. Good luck taking all that on with a shotgun and a Vulcan cannon. Austin Powers? Here's the scenario: Austin has just completed 99.9% of his "Austinification" of the American army when suddenly Doctor Evil returns once more! Doctor Evil takes over America in an instant and reverses Powers' powers. Then Austin and some nearby babes stop by and stop him, but not in time to win the match. Well, I guess America wins.
No, wait! I've forgotten somebody! It's Steve Irwin, the world-famous crocodile hunter! Surely an Aussie with bad shorts and weird sayings can't take on an entire nation of 21st century killing machines! But there's more here than meets the eye... Okay, let's step back and assess the situation a little bit. This is a guy who routinely runs around in areas teeming with poisonous, vicious, and 100% certified deadly critters of all shapes and descriptions... and yet somehow he manages to survive. Granted, the man's got skills, but I think this goes deeper. Not only does Steve manage to live through it all, but the cameraman, carrying a massively heavy camera and equipment, manages to somehow get away from charging elephants, pissed-off crocodiles and racing snakes intent on the kill. How does the cameraman, that fabled He-Man of lore, manage to get away with all this? Fact is, Steve doesn't travel alone. Accompanying him on everything he does is his good buddy Wes. While it looks like Wes is just another crazy scientist intent on looking at weird animals, appearances can be deceiving. That's the Wes you see on TV. The real man, you see, is nothing other than the world's most highly trained killing machine. Don't laugh! Off-camera, Wes is the secret to Steve's success. Wearing a high-powered, futuristic Kill-Suit equipped with shell-proof armor and all sorts of sensor arrays, Wes keeps his Rail Gun pointed at any viper's head while Steve lifts up its tail and whips it around for the camera to see. Using state-of- the-art laser tripwires and infrared sighting, Wes can tell the difference between a bite that Steve will escape from and one that will hit. And he's so high on battle drugs that he can turn the snake's head to mush within a millimeter of Steve's skin. That leaves one supercommando fighting a whole army. If the Terminator can't do it, why can Wes and Steve do it?
First of all, Wes is the most experienced kill-agent on the planet. He's been in thousands of dangerous situations, and believe me, today's army does little more than pretend they're macho and waste taxpayer money. But that's only observing Wes. Don't forget the man in question, Steve Irwin. Steve's got a lot of buddies in the world, and I'm not talking about his fans. All the animals that have ever appeared on his show owe him a favor for their 15 minutes of fame. And now's the time that they'll get to repay Steve. The tanks and helicopters of the US army will find themselves beset by the hundreds of snakes, lizards, spiders, crocodiles, elephants, hippos, and other assorted animals. Crawling through view slits, slithering into refueling and rearming helicopters, and charging at troop formations, the US army won't know what hit 'em. The winner... Steve Irwin. Good on ya, mate!
The battle commences! At the gong, Calvin leaps into his cardboard box and 'transmogrifies' himself into a T-Rex. The Crocodile Hunter is excited upon seeing a little boy walking around with his teeth bared and making GIZH sounds as he walks, and starts commenting about how amazing it is to see a modern-day neanderthal. The australian-accented host then sticks his thumb up Calvin's butthole to see what will happen, the result being that Calvin is all-too-quickly jolted back to reality and runs away clutching his rear. Marvin simply watches all this and then plods sadly over to the reflecting pool to hold his head underwater. Austin Powers is entranced by the phallic shape of the Washington Monument, and is caught offguard as the Crocodile Hunter's thumb invades his rectum accompanied by a heavily accented commentary that such a hairy chest means this man must be the missing link between man and ape. At this point Moses has gotten disgusted with the two of them, and raising his staff on high he calls down the Lord's judgement on the two heathens, turning them both into pillars of salt. The Cookie Monster thinks that they're made of sugar, and in a ravenous rage he rushes over to devour them both whole. Audibly disturbed by the cannabilistic creature Moses again calls on the Almighty for aid, and in a pillar of fire the Cookie Monster is reduced to a pile of ashes with a little bit of scorched blue fur and googly eyes still visible.
While all of this has been going on, the Terminator and the US millitary have been engaged in a fierce struggle; armor piercing bullets, flamethrowers and bazookas have reduced the T-800 to its skeleton but it continues to fight, taking weapons from the soldiers it finishes off. At length the Abrams manages to blast the Terminator's legs with a well-placed shell, and follows up by crushing the mechanized killer beneath its treads. This leaves the US Armed Forces versus a bewildered Moses. Having witnessed the pillar of flame the soldiers recieve the order 'do not fire until fired upon', thinking that some form of satellite weaponry is at work here. Realizing that the soldiers are the only justified combatants present because they're acting in defense of their people, Moses leaves in peace to search the world for those who have remained Faithful. The gong sounds: The US armed forces WIN!!!!!
Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
Seven Grudge Matchers hailed, now supine from a reaming?
Calvin's box and Moe's staff, both broken by our might,
Muppet fur was red-splotched, with an Aussie's blood streaming.
Arnold's steely red glare, Marvin's Xanax-fueled air,
Died quick in gunfight; foreign robots don't fare.
O say, now that tooth-mangled Austin behaves
In the land of the free, the new home of their graves.
- Kilgore Trout
Nobody beats the US Military. NOBODY. The only one who would have a remote chance against the US all by his lonesome would be Godzilla, and he signed a no-trade clause into his contract with Toho studios of Japan. Sadly, he is therefore unavailable for competition in the Grudge Match(tm) organization.
- Dak Barhopper
Moses wins this match easily for two reasons: 1) You believe in God, and therefore you know that Moses has the almighty on his side and can't lose. 2) You don't believe in God, and therefore the Bible and Moses are fictional. If Moses is fictional, he still gets powers from God because everyone else gets to use their fictional powers. He led thousands of Jews out of the desert while also devistating the Egyptian army, NOONE beats Moses.
Let's look at it very simply. It all comes down to the most powerful country in the world (USA) vs. a prophet from the most powerful being in the universe (Moses and God). USA is 1-0 against God (Newdow v. U.S. Congress, aka, the Pledge of Allegence) USA wins
As the tanks churn up an obscuring cloud of dust, the combatants begin to separate into one-on-one battles, mainly because it's easier and more amusing that way. This, of course, ruins the view for the spectators, but hey, we've already got their money.
Steve Irwin approaches his prey. "This is a real treat. It's not often one finds a Cookie Monster outside his usual New York habitat. Now, he hasn't noticed us yet, but I'll soon fix that. In this pouch I'm opening is a Mrs. Fields' chocolate-chip cookie that's certain to lure the--aw, crikey!" A blue blur moving faster than any crocodile sets upon him, devouring the bait and leaving him prostrate on the grass, out of the fight.
Marvin trudges up to the Terminator. "I suppose you're wondering what kind of weapons I was given to deal with you. A superconductive mass driver, perhaps, or a megawatt laser, or zero-point energy micro-grenades. Those would be impressive weapons, but I don't have those. Do you know what I have? I'll give you three gu--" Unfortumately for Marvin, his strategy of engaging his opponent in conversation to drive it to suicide of self-destructive fury has no effect on the Terminator, who is programmed solely to kill. He does so, not even leaving Marvin time to lament his violent disassembly.
Finally tearing himself away from the Bikini Babes, Austin Powers finds a small boy wearing a cape and mask staring him down. "And who are you, baby?"
"I'm no baby! I'm Captain Napalm, superhero! You're more like Captain Doofus, and you dress like a girl."
"Girl! I'll have you know I'm all man, man." He brandishes his Mars-symbol medallion at Calvin.
"Whoa, neat! Can I see that?" Powers kindly hands it over to Calvin, who promptly uses its considerable heft and its pointy end to do things to Powers that not even Mini-Me ever dreamed of. Calvin walks off victorious -- but never fear: Austin Powers Will Return, in "Sequels Are Forever".
Throughout these skirmishes, Moses has been beating a tactical retreat before the advancing Abrams tanks. Now, though, he has reached the Reflecting Pool. He parts it and walks down, intending to trap the tanks -- but recoils in horror after only a few steps. Seems the Reflecting Pool's bottom was covered with broken bottles, rusty cans, and algal slime ten times worse than the squishiest streets in Egypt during the Plague of Frogs. He limps away, his sandals utterly ruined.
Their primary target withdrawing, the tank division draws a bead on the Terminator instead. Now, the Terminator is really tough, but come on. You catch sixty or seventy depleted-uranium armor-penetrating rounds in a second and a half, and see how you look. The Arnie-bot looks slightly better than that, but not by much.
By now, Cookie Monster is diving into the scattering, panicky crowd, looking for more sustenance. He spots a pair of cookies lying by themselves, and his ping-pong ball eyes gleam. Without a trace of suspicion, he grabs them, only to end up snared and swinging by a rope slung over one of the catwalks over the stage. Calvin dusts off his hands. "Even easier than catching Hobbes. Now for -- uh oh."
A ring of tanks has surrounded him, their motors growling, their cannons trained on him. A figure emerges from the swirls of dust beyond the ring, wearing an "I'm #1" baseball cap. "This is your final warning, evildoers. Surrender, or -- hey, it's just a kid. Well, might be Osama in disguise, but it'd be a really good disguise."
Calvin gulps meekly. "No, just a kid. And I'll surrender, sir--" His eyes get that look of avarice. "--if I can have a tank ride first." "Why, sure. Hop right on there, and the major will take you for a spin 'round the Ellipse." President Bush gives Calvin a boost. "Y'know, I wish I could have a tank ride, too, but Dad always tells me not to. Says it'd make me look too much like Michael Dukakis."
Calvin wrinkles his nose at the name. "Who's that?"
W grins. "Good question."
- Call me Shane
OK. First off, some of the contestants don't have a chance to begin with:
USA: Bush may have the superior force here (c'mon, he's the only one with an entire army to fight for him), but he can't completly use it. This is Washington, D.C. He has to minimize damage to local buildings, national landmarks, etc. Basically, he (or an advisor; this is Bush, remember) would decide that any action on his part would result in more damage than no action on his part. So, he would not actually fight the others, and just try to do damage- control.
Cookie Monster: Cookie Monster? He doesn't stand a chance. While he's bellowing "COOOOKIIIEEEESSS!!" the Terminator will think he was shouting "COOOONER!!", and will summarily kill him.
Austin Powers: This one can be summed up in one sentence: If Austin is surronded by the International Sisterhood of String Bikini Babes, will he even once think about the fight? He's out of the running for not actually being aware that the fight is going on.
So, that leaves Crocodile Hunter, Marvin, Terminator, Calvin, and Moses as remaining competitors. Calvin will likely meet up with Crocodile Hunter, and start asking him about the local flora and fauna. Before long, CH will be engrossed in discussion with Calvin, and the two will no longer be fighting with the others. Next, Moses, having seen what Terminator did to Cookie Monster, will determine he is the greater threat, and will call a Plage of Electrical Failures down onto him. Then, he will turn to Marvin. Marvin will ask him, "Do you know what were God's Final Message to His Creation?" Moses will answer, "Yea, they were in those books that I transcribed for Him." Marvin will say, "Nope. They were, 'We apologize for the inconvenience.'" "What? How?" "They're written right there, in thirty- foot high letters of fire on the crest of the Quentulus Quazgar Mountains." "But..." "Big guy never told you? I guess he didn't trust you with the important stuff." At this point, Moses would become overwhelmed with self-pity, and would jump towards Bush, who would shoot him out of self-defence (Bush would have missed the entire conversation, and would believe Moses was going to start clubbing him). Marvin would then say, "Oh, goody. I've won this pitiful contest. Brain the size of a planet, and they thought I could lose. Oh well, I'd better get off this planet, before the Vorgon construction ships vaporize it." He then activates the Thumb, and gets off the planet just before it is destroyed to make way for an intergalactic highway (destroying the USA and Austin Powers in the process, just in case you didn't think they were already destroyed). In the end, the victor is Marvin. How depressing.
It comes down to: USA vs. Moses Sorry, but while the US can take out a country like Canada or Afghanistan quite handily it has serious trouble even finding robed, bearded religious fanatics let alone neutralizing them. Moses in 8 plagues.
Clearly Moses has God on his side, and any fool copuld tell you that all the other contestants are clearly as bad as the Philestines. The first to go is Austin Powers. "Thou shalt not commit adultery!" shouts Moses, slaying the Brittish spy and his legions of scantily clad women with his staff'o'death, and thus clearing the way to the dessert table. "C is for COOKIE!" shouts cookie monster, running for the table, and God and Moses take pity on him; all he wants is a snack. Moses then turns on the Terminator, and with a cry of. "Thou shalt not kill!" smites him. "Oh my God! Oh my God!" says Marvin. *What's this?* thinks God. *Taking My name in vain? Dissassemble him!* Moses promptly does so, invoking the wrath of Calvin- or should I say Stupendous Man? "That was a cool robot!!!!" shrieks Calvin, jumping on Moses. Moses tries to swat him away but Calvin's grip is too strong. God is out of the picture on this one. How could someone who loves little children destroy one? Moses looks like he's in for it when... "CALVIN! STOP BEATING UP THE NICE MAN!" shrieks his Mom, rushing in and trying to pull him off of Moses. Calvin resists, finally biting his mother to make her let go. God returns to the fight, having yet another of his commandments disobeyed. "Honor thy father and mother, young man!" And little Calvin is no more. Moses is standing strong.
All that's left is Steve Irwin and the good old USA. Moses brings on a nice little swarm of locusts. "Crikey!" says Steve, and is soon lost in a lecture about locusts and other insects, no longer interested in the fight or his Politician Plantation. "It's between you and me, Moses," says George W. "This should be easy," replies the Hebrew prophet. "I think you misunderestimate me," says George. "Want a peanut?" offers Moses. "Har har har. I'm not falling for that one again," says President Bush. "Besides, I've got God on my side too! God bless america!" Moses is about to slay him when a horde of angry democrats swarm him, babbling about political correctness. They then scurry away, leaving the bloody remains of former President Bush. "Okay, the way is clear," says God, waving Moses on to lead the Israelites to the promised land.
It's painfully, painfully obvious that the Croc Hunter has this clinched, even though the voting contingent here can't tell. What, you say? He's surrounded by bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter opponents? Well...when has that stopped him before? Just looking at the other opponents should show us how easily he can defeat them.
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Oh, gee, how could ANYONE kill a SUICIDAL robot? It's NOT LIKE it's his DREAM to DIE. As Steve pushes Marvin off the Washington Monument, we hear the paranoid one say "I think...I feel good about this" shortly before impact.
Austin Powers: Normally, the Star Power Factor© of a new movie would cede this straight to Austin, as Goldmember was truly fabulous. Unfortunately, ol' Steve-o just released Collision Course, a movie which, while not good, gives him some Star Power© as well. I'm sure that the Bikini Babes are really a ploy by Irwin to lure Austin into his new habitat, a swingin' pad at Australia Zoo.
U.S.A.: I'm proud to be an American, sure, but in the aforementioned Collision Course, Steve Irwin successfully outsmarts the CIA. Several times. I imagine Dubya and Co. will just turn tail the SECOND they see the Croc Hunter.
Cookie Monster: All he wants is some COOOOOOOOOKIES! And Steve will step out of his way and let him have his COOOOOOOOKIES! And then the Cookie Monster will realize he, also, has been tricked. The drugged cookies KO the Monster, allowing the Croc Hunter to set him up in a new location where cookie snatchers will no longer take his feast.
T-800 Terminator: Tricky, tricky indeed. The T-800 is actually capable of seeing through Steve's traps and tracking down the Hunter. Unfortunately, Steve was merely baiting the Terminator towards Moses, who promptly splits the heathen in two with the power of God. Sometimes you gotta use other resources to get what you want.
Moses: Crikey indeed. Steve's gonna have to think hard to beat this guy, what with the power of God and all. Pretty hard to top that. Luckily, Moses tries the "cross the Potomac" ploy, but Steve, having read the Bible, doesn't follow. After waiting in Virginia for a few months, Moses gives up, moves to New York, and starts a band. Hey, it could happen...
Calvin: Hyperactive. Crazy. Loves animals. Did I just describe Steve Irwin or Calvin? That's right, these two are practically father and son! Within five minutes, Calvin and Steve have taken off so Steve can teach Calvin "dahngeraus" skills, like croc wrangling and grabbing snakes by the tail. Calvin's happy, and Steve's the new TOC Champ!
Oh, who am I kidding? Calvin wins.
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee
This looks to be a classic, all-out brawl, until one lone, anonymous voice shouts out: "If Cookie Monster wins, he will become the most popular Muppet, and have the right to kill Elmo!" Everyone else concedes instantly. Of course, since we simply must have violence, Cookie gets his would-be foes to help out. Moses gets his followers among the three major western religions to officially recognize Elmo as Satanic (as opposed to the unofficial recognition he had until then). Marvin depresses all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls to the point that none will ever laugh again. "Typical humans, giving me such a dreary task. And that pain is still running down those diodes." Calvin gets help from Hobbes to track down the best hiding places for toys - Tigers are good at that sort of thing. The United States declares Elmo a terrorist in league with Osama bin Laden, which naturally cuts down the places he can hide. To protect John Connor, the T-800 blasts away at as many Elmos as he can find. After all, the T-1000 might be disguising as one. Steve Irwin, with some of his scaly friends in tow, take out Rosie O'Donnell, one of the worst offenders in terms of defending Elmo. I figure it will take 3 crocs, with empty cast-iron stomachs, to do the job. Finally, Austin Powers will uncover the secret lair of Elmo, beat yet another villain also played by Mike Myers, and shut down all of the Red Menace's evil plans. Leaving Cookie ample time to eat Elmo. Now that, ladies and gents, is a fitting end to a tourney of champions.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
Return to WWWF Tournament of Champions VII
I can't decide, so I'll just declare it a tie
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC