It's an all too familiar scene on the Mall in Washington, D.C. Six large bloody grease spots litter the stage that just moments before had seen a free concert courtesy of Christina Aguilera and *NSYNC. Throngs of WWWF fans are sent scattering throughout the area as they sense the impending carnage, and fight for the best seat they can find.
From his own seat, high atop the White House, President Bush has watched this chain of events with "bewonderment". "Why did those fans shoot up the band?" he asks his advisors.
"That wasn't the fans, sir. That was the CIA, FBI and ATF. They had to clear the area, and this seemed like the easiest way. Plus, a public service was performed. Early indications are that your approval rating just jumped 5 points."
"Stupendulous work, gentlem-- what in the name of Sam Houston is that?"
An amphibious vehicle bounds across the reflecting pool and up to the Washington Monument. Out pops Steve Irwin, talking to his camera crew. "Crikey! Though you may not expect it in such an urban area, Washington, DC is full of exotic wildlife. If you look over there, you'll notice a herd of what they call 'politicians'. Don't get too close as they can be very dangerous. Anyway, once I win this contest, we plan to use the prize money to set-up a nature preserve where the politicians can run free."
Austin Powers pulls up to the Watergate Hotel in his Union Jack convertible and is met at the curb by a group from the International Sisterhood of String Bikini Babes, who are holding their annual convention there. His victory here will foil Dr. Evil's plans to take over the world, but right now he has other things on his mind. He addresses the admiring women, "After the fight: you, me, three bottles of baby oil and a vibrating waterbed. Yeah, baby, yeah!"
Through the clouds breaks a hijacked Vogon shuttle, which lands in the middle of the Mall. The hatch opens, revealing Marvin the Paranoid Android. "Another fight. How depressing. Brain the size of a planet and all they want me to do is engage in primitive combat. Well, I guess I will have to kill them all. They all hate me anyway. It's all very depressing."
From the Capitol building, fresh from his NRA lobbying efforts, emerges Moses, his trusty staff in hand. Surely, whoever is strong enough to win this battle might try to enslave his people, so he must put a stop to it. With a glare, storm clouds gather and a loud thunderous noise shakes the area.
Nearby, a blue light blazes and from seemingly nowhere, a large naked man emerges. Moses mumbles to himself that "this is obviously a Gentile". After shaking down an NRA member foolish enough to step outside, the T-800 Terminator is instantly armed with weapons... and pants. He turns his attention to the other contestants -- they must be stopped if John Connor is to be saved (or so he thinks).
All heads turn to one side as they hear a mighty roar. "COOOOKIIIEEEESSS!!" rages the Cookie Monster, as he finds his fellow competitors between himself and the dessert-laden food court at the Air & Space Museum. He messily devours the ambassadors from Turkey and Hungary as a symbolic gesture of his intentions.
Outside the National Gallery of Art, a small boy who has escaped his boring field trip gathers in all the action. A spaceship? Alien invaders... secret agents... monsters! It's time for Calvin to single-handedly save the world! "Won't Hobbes be impressed," he thinks as he sets up his cardboard transmogrifier. He smiles feverishly as he ponders which of his alter egos is best for world saving, and grossing out Susie.
All heads turn again as a DeLorean bursts onto the scene and screeches to a halt. The door opens, smoke billows up, and a foot emerges-- CRUNCH! The car is flattened by an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank. Behind this tank are numerous others, along with a full compliment of infantry. Fighter jets scream overhead. Through a megaphone, a voice is heard from the White House roof. "This tournament has been deemed a terrorist threat by the President of the United States... that's me. Stand down or face retalification."
Of course, no one stands down.
Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary
For the second year in a row, throwing out the vote stacking made a difference.
First, a little background. I am from the D.C. Metropolitan area. Born and raised. I am writing this from a building on Pennsylvania Avenue, 4 blocks away from the White House. With this life experience in mind, I can honestly tell you that only one contestant can survive the terrors, wilds and uncharted territories of the District Of Columbia. Let's examine, shall we?
-Cookie Monster. Yeah, right. That kind of addictive personality? After 5 minutes, Crackie Monster. Off he goes to score.
-Croc Hunter. Irwin's faced down crocs, snakes and all matters of animal carnivores. Wuss. How about going for drinks to Tequila Grill on "INTERN NIGHT"? (That is an actual Happy Hour not 2 blocks from my office. I guess "A Very Condit Buffet" was taken.). Away slinks Irwin.
-Marvin The Paranoid Android. In the land of The Shadow Government? The Shadows realize that not only is Marvin paranoid, but he's SMART. He begins to single-handedly reveal the existence of said government, but is summarily "disappeared". Oliver Stone immediately buys the film rights.
-Moses. While he does have God on his side, there's the whole separation of Church & State thing, which is a crippler. Confused, he tries to part the Red LINE, which is one of the routes for the Metro, D.C.'s subway system. The ground is torn asunder, as Moses suddenly finds himself in the Priority Seating for Seniors & Persons with Disabilities. Next stop: Farragut North. Away goes Moses.
-T-800 Terminator. Stripped down and sold for parts in approximately 30 seconds by defense contractors from Crystal City. The contractors charge for the full 8 hours of work.
-Austin Powers. Also seen at "Intern Night". He doesn't leave like Irwin, but instead discovers why politicians fool around with their interns to begin with: A lot of them are really hot. With an intern on each arm, Powers heads to the Watergrate to do a little 'covert ops'.
-Calvin. He'll discover the only thing more chaotic, more destructive and more absurd then Calvinball is, of course, politics. Off he goes to create mayhem. 4 weeks later, he is sworn in as a member of the D.C. Council. Which leaves us with...
-U.S.A. Only one country on the face of the planet would be crazy enough, armed enough and down-right ornery enough to have a town like D.C. as it's capitol. U.S.A. wins.
- They Call Me Marsh, Proud Washingtonian
"Hold your fire!" All heads turn to see Dick Cheney, Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell and Don Rumsfeld running across the White House roof. They gather around the President and the Bush team holds a whispered conference. Finally, G. W. nods vigorously, waves them off and picks up the megaphone. "I think we can bring this to a peaceful resulation. I'd like to offer you each an incredulous opportunity to be the world's heroes. Will you join our effort to defend human freedom from terrorism?"
They are skeptical (except for Austin Powers: "Freedom, baby, yeah! Very groovy!") but willing to discuss the possibilities...
Moses is answering press requests for reflections on the first anniversary of his successful Mid-East peace plan. "I thought those locusts would never finish eating Yasser Arafat. He's much chubbier than he looks on TV."
Secret Service Agent Cookie Monster is busy intercepting dangerous hard baked goods before they reach the President's larynx.
Steve Irwin is introducing many beautiful and extraordinarily deadly creatures into terrorist hidey-holes and filming the hilarious results for Animal Planet.
Marvin the Paranoid Android uses his mix of immense processing ability, vast memory and intense paranoia to be a perfect analyst for all U.S. intelligence info.
The Terminator is tracking down and killing the terrorist millionaires who would have bankrolled Cyberdyne Systems with laundered drug money. Soon he will finish and begin a new target list. No terrorist attack will ever harm John Connor while he's on the job.
Calvin is hard at work in R & D at the Pentagon. But when more direct action is needed, he goes forth to fight terror as Stupendous Man!
Austin Powers is away on a mission that can't be disclosed. If he succeeds, the world terror network will collapse. If he fails, he won't come back alive and the world will be spared Austin Powers IV: A View To A Shag. Either way, civilization is safer.
The President is in an Oval office meeting with the National Security Council. Rice is finishing her report. "If things continue to go this well, we should have terrorism finished off just in time for the '04 election."
"Wow," the President says, "this strategorie has worked out splendiferously. I'm so glad I thought of it."
- Mr. Silverback- The Feds killed off Aguilera and N*SYNC? I looooooove this country!!
The crocodile hunter crouches, moving silently towards his large blue prey. With all the natural grace of a piano falling down eight flights of stairs, Steve leaps onto the monster's back. After a fierce struggle, Steve manages to rip the cookie monster away from his puppetteer. The enraged puppetteer proceeds to beat the living snot out of the croc hunter. Meanwhile, a small boy is engaged in a slow-moving game of Calvinball with a morose robot. The robot is utterly uninterested in the game, his black mask slipping from his dejected face. Eventually he wanders into the "water balloon pit of death", which causes him to short-circuit. At the same time, the Terminator is exchanging fire with Moses. Ol' Greybeard is hurling locusts and burning hail at the T-800, who is hurling buckshot and machine gun bullets right back at him. One of the hailstones bounces off the Terminators metal body and lights a nearby bush on fire. Moses starts asking it for help, and the T-800 siezes the opportunity to make him hole-ier than ever.
Austin Powers is trying to use his huge influence on American teenagers to instigate a revolt in the U.S. Eventually, however, it is pointed out that any British person who wears ruffles and heels must be a bit of a "poof", and his approval goes down the drain. In the end, he is run over by American tanks on their way to obliterate the Terminator. Cookie Monster (reunited with his puppetteer) is in the middle of a cookie-eating contest with Calvin. Unfortuantely for the kid, The Cookie Monster is designed to eat cookies, and is still looking for more when Calvin is throwing up in the bushes. The Terminator has just finished crushing a few stray assault vehicles when the president himself comes out to have a try. In what historians will later refer to as the most "nosensitorial and vaguitious" speech ever made, the big Dub-ya proceeds to fry the Terminator's central nuero computer (which, of course, is logic-based).
It's down to two contestants. A large wad of blue fur and the most powerful nation in the world. However, that wad of blue fur is one of the most influential figures in a young child's life. Using his immense power over the nation's small children, the Cookie Monster creates uproars, cripples the economy, and brings America to its knees. He is currently in the process of using all of America's farmland for wheat to make flour, and all of America's factories to produce chocolate chips.
- sPeciAL eD
First and foremost, this won't be an "every man for himself" kinda thing. People will be taking sides. The U.S. will automatically buddy up with Moses (and thus God) because of U.S. and Isreal relations. Of course with God actually participating, everyone's weapons will vanish.
People will then resort to name calling, spitting, and making lude gestures with their (and each other's) private parts.
After a couple of hours of flinging flegm, the U.S., with home court advantage and an extensive knowledge of advanced private part manipulation, is winning... until Calvin goes for his secret weapon. He begins pulling out every item of his field-trip lunch, each resembling some weird exotic alien, until he gets to the treat. The salty, twisted... PRETZEL OF DEATH (TM)!!
Being the only American besides Bush he's had to have heard (and laughed at) how Bush was nearly assasinated by an "evil" pretzel. Apparantly, he had been watching T.V. innocently enough, not drunk at all, when a terrorist pretzal tried to suicide bomb his air passage... It was quite scary, especially for someone who was so not drunk. With this prior knowledge, Calvin flings the salty confection of toasted bread at Bush, hitting him dead on the forehead and knocking him out cold...
Ths sends the entire field of combatants into a cacaphonous uproar of laughter.
Austin Powers throws up, the Terminator clutches his stomach in painful glee, Moses yanks his beard...God pisses himself. Basically, a good time is had by all.
Calvin wins and everyone takes him to Six Flags to celebrate.
But on a more serious note. As a Washingtonian, I implore you, please stop having your Grudge Match TOC's here. They must stop. We still haven't gotten rid of all those damn soccer hooligans from the last time. They're everywhere.
Running around, drinking our beer, sniffing our women, kicking our men in the crotches. There hasn't been a day where I haven't had some brown-toothed hooligan give me a cross-field kick to my hairy hacky- sack. And I tell you, it's only funny the first couple of times, then you start getting annoyed.
After that you start seeing colors.
- Richard "I'm sure God doesn't REALLY pee" Corey
I can't believe the USA is ahead in the votes. Reread the sceanario again people, the US is not an official contender!!
Dubyah is playing Big Brother and sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong, IE he's attempting to break up our beloved TOC(tm), a sacred and holy ritual for all Grudge fans the world over, by labeling it a "terrorist threat". By voting him the winner, you are only giving him UN-PRE-CEED-ED permission to break up any future Grudge Matches by claiming they are also "terrorist threats"!! This could include any Match that features an American contestent or takes place on American soil or in any country that is its ally. Heck, Dubyah might even declare the Grudge-Match(tm) itself a "terrorist organization" and apply the Scorched Earth Policy(tm) to the WWWF Towers(tm)!! By voting for Dubyah, you're only sealing the fate of the Grudge-Match(tm) which is certain death!! We, Grudge fans of the Earth, own it to the Exalted Grudge Lords(tm)-who have given us such pleasures as disposing of Barney, Weasley, the Spice Girls, George Cloony(twice I might add), N*SUCK, and countless others-to stand up to this horrible form of censorship and vote for the runner up, Calvin, whose tendencies for chaos, mayhem, and violence make him the perfect manifestion of the sheer insanity that is WWWF GRUDGE-MATCH(TM)!!!!
- PSYCHO-JAY, the Great Liberator!!
Calvin wins easy. He's been in training for this his whole life. None of these guys are half as bad as Rosalyn, the saddistic babysitter. And, let's not forget, Spaceman Spiff fries aliens for a living. There's another advantage right there! Plus, he has to deal with a vicious, man-eating tiger on a daily basis. Piece of cake for Calvin.
Calvin quickly jumps into his transmogrifier and turns into John Connor. Although some might say that the transmogrifier is imaginary and therefore will not fool Terminator, Calvin's Chocolate-Covered Sugar Bomb-fueled imagination will run circles around the cyborg's brain. Calvin is carried around piggyback as the Terminator goes to give Biff an ultra-wedgie. Steve Irwin, seeing the one of a kind Cookie Monster, quickly borrows some Chocolate-Covered Sugar Bomb Cookies from Calvin and lays a trail to a Jurassic Park-style cage. The Cookie Monster, with his one- track mind, follows and is caged. Meanwhile, Moses is about to smite someone when he spots Bush. As the President is a god-fearing conservative man, the two quickly strike up a conversation about 'that asshole Arafat.' The US Military waits uncomfortably for the go order. Elsewhere, 'John Connor' has attracted Sarah Connor. Calvin is immediately entranced with her. When Austin Powers intrudes to make several bad pick-up lines, Calvin orders the Terminator to use his death ray blaster. The Terminator cocks his head like a confused puppy as Austin mistakes Terminator for some new generation of Fembot. With a yell, he Judo Chops Terminator on the neck. His inhuman nemesis' fist rockets out and sends Austin flying into the Washington Monument. He bounces off it and lands in the Reflecting Pool with a pithy one-liner.
In the Delorean, Doc Brown has had a heart attack from seeing Marty crushed. A Secret Service agent, experienced with heart conditions due to being part of Cheney's entourage for months, springs into action and revives him. At Cookie Monster's pin, Bush has seen Steve. Fed up with 'Bush is dumb' jokes, he explodes with workout-every-morning muscles on the Crocodile Hunter. Irwin doubles over, basically unharmed, but the Secret Service gets the hint. About two dozen agents instantly tackle him to the ground. Doc Brown looks around, only to see the flux capacitor is missing. Suddenly, an army of Inept Henchmen, Terminator Endoskeletons, and Fembots appear. A hologram of Dr. Evil's head floats over the Lincoln Memorial. "You fools! While you have fought among yourselves, I have kidnapped the REAL John Connor, aimed a superlaser at America's precious Texan oil reserves, stopped the production of cookies (Dr. Evil's company owns Big Sugar), sent Number One to enslave the Israelites, and stolen Hobbes!" Preoccupied with the madman, the agents don't notice the Australian Export escaping and freeing the Cookie Monster. Mini-Me tackles Calvin off Terminator's shoulders. The Terminator, however, is preoccupied with the harem of Fembots attacking with nipple-guns. Their leader, Elizabeth Hurley-Bot, bitch-slaps Sarah Connor. Led by Austin Powers, the US attacks Dr. Evil's army of Inept Henchmen. George Bush and Moses quickly board the Air Force One and set a course for Israel. (Throughout all of this, Marvin the Android has been too depressed to do anything other then defend himself from a few malicious N*Sync fans with nowhere to go) The Heroes prepare for the fight of their lives in The Facer's Super Blood Feud Spectacular Tourney Tournament 3000 (possibly coming soon to thefacer.net). AUSTIN POWERS AND US ARMY VS. INEPT HENCHMEN GEORGE BUSH AND MOSES VS. ROBERT WAGNER AND ROB LOWE (tag team) CALVIN VS. MINI-ME TERMINATOR VS. FEMBOTS SARAH CONNOR VS. ELIZABETH HURLEY-BOT STEVE IRWIN VS. DR. EVIL COOKIE MONSTER VS. FRAU FARBISSINA DOC BROWN VS. FAT BASTARD
- Vincent Goodson
This match obviously goes to the good old U.S.A. for a number of reasons. First of all, the U.S. has a huge number of personnel to field, and even if each one had only a spear and no combat training, they could kill the others with the mere combined weight of all their bodies (excluding Terminator and Marvin, who could be delt with with a single tank shell each). Also, if worst came to worst, a single nuke could take out the whole city. This, though not the best option, would result in victory. Finally, the one factor I believe would have been ignored by the commentators had there been commentary: The Men in Black.
Besides the fact that this institution was founded as part of the U.S. government, they would also have marked Cookie Monster as an alien who had violated 75 intergalactic treaties by leaving his assigned sector-Sesame Street. He (it?) would have to be eliminated. Steve Irwin is obviously an alien, and what better time to eliminate this pestilence on humanity then when they can blame it on patriotism? The Terminator arrived by a technology not meant to be seen by people, and Marvin, well, I don't know who the hell he is, but a Series-4 Deatomizer bolt in his paranoid head would preclude me having to get to know him. Calvin-consorting with an unsanctioned talking animal. He's gone. Moses would be a tad more trouble, but just to make it a clean sweep the MIB would take him out with a healthy dose of Will Smith's rap. Moses would call down God's power upon himself to end the pain. The U.S. in 20 minutes at most. U.S.A! U.S.A!
- A 13-year With Too Much Time on His Hands
Right now as I look at the vote tally. Calvin is in the lead. What the f*ck are you people thinking??!!! U.S.A. has to win... the match is on our turf. Sure Calvin has the transmogrifier(tm), Hobbes, and techno-crap(tm). I will not deny Calvin is a maniacal genius. But what people fail to realize is that all of these things come and occur IN HIS MIND!!! He is just a little pipsqueak with an overactive imagination, and psychological issues to no end,in the real world. His own imaginary friend betrays him at the drop of a dime! Heck even for a tuna sandwich!! (Now with 50% more dolphin!) He lost to Bart, he will lose to the U.S.
But since this is the Grudgverse(TM) where everything is ludicrously impossible he'll stand a chance. Hopefully Hobbes will stab him in the back for a big-breasted American girl. And I make a personal vote to deport Hotbranch! I suspect that traitor had a hand in this.
- Average Joe
Cookie Monster vs. U.S.A. vs. Crocodile Hunter vs. Marvin the Paranoid Android vs. T-800 Terminator vs. Austin Powers vs. Calvin vs. Moses Calvin will quickly lose interest when his ADD takes over. He'd much rather imagine, say, the giant statue of Honest Abe from the Lincoln Memorial rampaging through Washington, devouring inhabitants and destroying railroads, than participate in anything so ruled and structured as a fight to the finish. Marvin will also lose interest. There's no reason to fight, it's all so futile. He wanders off and walks into the Potomac so he can rust and not be bothered by people whose lives ultimately mean nothing, as does his own. He'll eventually be brought out and cleaned up for his match with Eeyore. The federal repairs to the city after Godzilla's visit were never completed and thus the city still looks like a post-apocalyptic warzone.
This, combined with the numerous soldiers, crashes the programming running the T-800 who runs amuck. He shoots Austin Powers for his clothing before realizing he's already wearing something, and then megins to maul the various US military troops who haven't already shot each other. The M-1s eventually take him down, an act that seriously displeases Moses, who until now had been discussing politics with Bush. The prophet views this counter-strike as jackbooted government thugs persecuting an upstanding Austro-American for his love of guns. He raises his hands in a heavenly plea and lightning strikes down to slag the tanks and remaining infantry. Sadly, Moses discovers too late that the assault rifle he was demonstrating to the NRA also functions in a pinch as a makeshift lightning rod. The field is left to Steve Irwin and The Cookie Monster. Steve is fascinated with the unique specimen of Muppet and ventures too close. He's messily devoured, and Cookie wanders inside the White House in search of a bag of Oreos, but instead finds George's secret stash of beer and pretzels. Cookie awakes several days later the sole resident of the battle field and winner by the two sweetest words in the English language, de fault.
I think that this year's champ will be none other than the esteemed Sir Steven Irwin. Now, I know what your saying: "A dweeb like him would be put to sleep by Marvin's ramblings, pantsed by Calvin ventilated by the FBI, the T-800, and Powers' little pistol, and have his first born killed personally by Moses before his rotting, lead- filled corpse is devoured by the blue-shag carpet freak we know as Cookie Monster." But I think that once you really think about it, the Hunter will prevail.
First: Calvin. Calvin can't even escape his babysitter, Rosalind, or the sound beatings that Susie Derkins gives him. Compared to Steve, those two are rank amateurs. And even if Calvin's stalwart companion, Hobbes, were to finally reveal that he isn't just imaginary, Steve Irwin kicks tiger ass before he breaks fast in the morning.
Next, the T-800: This guy is 0-2 for surviving films. And if he were hunting the Hunter, it wouldn't be in some urban area where he can steal the leather jacket and rifle of local bikers. He'd be in the outback, running around in a dead aborigine's loincloth carrying a curved stick. Meanwhile, the Stever would run him down with his animal tracking battle wagon (did you see that episode? It was like "MTV Cribs" but with a wildlife ranger). The Terminator says "Hasta La Vista" before being broken into tiny biomechanical bits at the bottom of an Austrailian gorge.
The USA: Now I know that in this time of national unity and support of the government, it's poor taste to mock, but I gotta. If we can't find Osama Bin Laden with our military AND the help of Afghanistan nationals, there is no way we'd be able to track down Steve Irwin in the wilds of the outback. And the US couldn't just claim he's dead because Steve makes TV appearances every week! Lastly, the US is comprised of your poor, your weak, your huddled masses yearning for freedom. Austrailia is made up of generations of criminals being sent off from Britain and being forced to survive in an environment where rodents should have sex and that's about it. Which do you think would win in a brawl?
Cookie Monster. Well, I love him. He's cute, he's cuddly, he even sings passably if the song is about spelling. However, when you get right down to it, he is a member of an endangered species (The Blue- Furred Confection Eater) and that means he is fair game to the Croc Hunter. Cookie isn't even as dangerous as half of Steve's prey: no poison fangs, no razor sharp incisors, no needle-like beak. Steve would have CM in a net, doped up, on his way to a nice preserve far from Sesame Street within 20 minutes.
Moses. First, i gotta say that the guy's track record isn't the best. I mean, sure, he freed the Hebrews, but he also traveled for 40 years and didn't make it to the promised land (it was promised for god sakes. How do you not make it?), he told everyone that they were bound by one god and 20 minutes later they're huddled around a golden calf, plus he was voiced by Val Kilmer in the Prince of Egypt fiasco (a fate worse than death). However, the reason he will not beat Steve Irwin is that God loves the Crocidile Hunter. I have seen Steve sit down on a nest of cobras while batting the mother snake with a stick and he walks away unscathed. He must have divine providence (or else a deal with the Devil. Just as good.) So Moses' ability to call down the plagues would not work on Steve cause God wouldn't help out. And killing his firstborn wouldn't even faze Steve: He watched his first wife fall to a bloody doom and yet he still brings his new one around with him. The man is heartless.
Marvin. You're kidding right. Here's a robot that sat in the parking lot of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe for 3 million years because he couldn't get up the motivation to go anywhere. You think he's even going to stand up to go after Steve. He might have a brain the size of a planet, but Steve has zip, zing and pizzazz (crucial in any fight). Marvin doesn't even have pep.
And lastly, the Power's guy. I believe I've already stated that Steve is the product of British criminals. Austin is the product of an ecstacy overdose. He's got this little pea shooter with probably a 100 foot range. Irwin is packing a high-powered tranc rifle meant to put down rhinos at 500 yards. Austin gets the fine looking (horrible actress) honeys. Steve managed to get another wife after the first one plunged to her doom. Steve has good teeth. Austin... Irwin is basically better than Powers on all levels. Plus, Power's is a frickin' idiot.
And so, this year Steve Irwin walks with the prize: The mounted heads of Powers, Terminator, Cookie Monster, Calvin, Moses, Marvin, and President George W. Bush for his party hut's wall.
Now, the prize for this is a golden toilet right? Calvin is a six-year-old boy. Everyone knows six-year-old boys will do anything for a toilet (they're kind of stupid that way *flush*flush*).
The first thing that will happen is Terminator will destroy marvin with a submachine gun. Next, The US Army rolls in with their tanks, plucking Calvin, an obvious bystander, out of harms way. He is taken home. Next, Moses disables their army with a few quick lightning bolts and some flooding. Crocodile Hunter survives the flooding, but is dragged away by cookie who overpowers him. Austin Powers fires a few shots, and cookie is down in a heap. Moses is taken out by a shotgun blast by Terminator. He slides down his hill, leaving a streak of blood down the side. Austin fires a few shots at terminator, but to no avail. When he realizes it is a robot, he tries his patented fembot-killing strip dance, which shorts out terminator. The winner, and next uber-chapion, is Austin.
Let's look at this objectively. Cookie monster, while arguably a force to be reckoned with, and probably endowed with the RAGE (tm), is nothing more than a lump of cotton and googly eyes. The Crocodile Hunter (tm, tm) has no weapon more powerful than his funny accent and the fact he probably hasn't bathed in a while. Mr Powers will be in the corner, signing deals for the next ten movies. Calvin, as much as I love him, can't even convince his mom to buy him that flame-thrower. This leaves the USA (tm), Marvin, the Terminator, and Moses, the only serious contenters. Moses, aka Charlton Heston, certainly has all of the firepower a man could need (although not want), but then Terminator has ways of reducing matter to little glowing bits that could make the most reclusive governmental anarchist in Montana run for public office. They effectively cancel each other out, leaving the USA (tm) and Marvin.
Now, if this were between Bush (tm) and Marvin, I would only laugh. If Bush (tm) can't even pronounce 'education', I have severe doubts the man would know which end of the gun is which. However, he undoubtably has hundreds of trigger-happy secret service agents begging to arrest anyone for crimes they may or may not have committed, or planned to commit, or didn't plan to commit but don't they look funny? This might pose a severe threat to any lesser robot, but Marvin is indestructible. He will simply bore and/or depress them to death. Marvin in the long run.
Ok, I will just provide a small bit of what I think would happen... All of the competitors realize that Steve Irwin is the most annoying natualist on the planet, and proced to ally themselves to kill him first.
After steve is dead, the USA withdraws from the fight, because they have acomplished their main mission, which was all along, the destruction of Steve Irwin.
As the combatants look at the dead body of Steve Irwin, you hear a voice say "Thats not a robot... Thats a MAN baby!"
As everyone turns around, Austin Powers lands a good old british punch in the face of Marvin, who staggers and trips into Calvins Transmogrifier(SP) Seeing a chance for victory, Calvin punches buttons on his transmogrifier, and turns Marvin into a giant Choclate chip cookie, which cookie monster promptly eats.
Moses is the next to die, mostly because he cant do anything, due to the lack of a sea to part.
The Terminator and calvin both get rid of each other. Calvin with a smoking hole in his chest, the Terminatior turned into a giant stuffed tiger.
As both the Cookie monster and Austin powers stand their, sweating looking at each other in the preperation for the final fight, you hear a sound in the background. it starts low, but soon it is loud enough to identify. Its an Air Raid Siren. As the missle hits, the cookie monster is insinerated, and Austin is thrown back to the 1960's, so he cant win the match, leaving the sole survivor as the good ol' US of A.
- Keyser Soze
Well, Calvin is still ahead of the USA by about 50 votes. I challenge anyone to come up with a decent reason why a 'boy' with an overactive imagination who talks with stuffed animals (not unlike Peewee Herman) could beat a government with enough balls to sanction the creation of a Steve Irwin *movie*.
- Good God
In order of who dies first....
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Cookie Monster: He just eats cookies. He probably doesn't have any teeth leave, therefore will just be able to gum people.
Croc Hunter: He never kills. Everything he catches gets a thumb up the ass and sent to a nature preserve.
USA: Only if there's money involved would they be intereseted. Then only long enough to just piss everyone off.
Marvin: He sounds pretty depressed. He'll just sit and watch everyone else fight while eatting ice cream from the tub.
Calvin: All of his fights with aliens and snowmen aren't real. He would just fiddle around with some snow and throw dirt at a girl.
Austin: Would instantly chase the International Sisterhood of String Bikini Babes. He wasn't really there for the fight anyway.
Terminator: He would be too busy running from the International Sisterhood of String Bikini Babes. Who can resist a naked man with a body like that!
Moses: He's a part of God's Posse (TM). Moses will part the ground and have everyone buried.
The Victor: Moses
Cookie Monster, as long as there is food available, is an unstoppable force of destruction. Bullets can't stop him (he's made of cloth!) and if necessary he will eat his way through tanks to get to the buffet. He won't kill any other rumblers unless they actually try to stop him, though: he doesn't care about the fight, just the FOOD! And once he has stopped to gorge, he will be an easy target for the air force, who will bomb the buffet, blowing Cookie into very small blue bits.
Moses, like countless other men of faith down through history facing state authority OUTSIDE the Bible, is shafted by God. He raises his arms and his staff, calls down the wrath of God on his enemies, and is squished by the oncoming tanks. (C'mon- God is going to smite the largest Christian country on earth, which is also the best friend of the Jewish people, just on Moses's say so? Who's the humble servant and who's the God here?)Austin Powers, meanwhile, has ducked behind a bush and disguised himself as a congressional aide. Thanks to the power of his mojo, it allows him to slip away from the US army.
Marvin is surrounded by troops, but soon turns the tables with depressing conversation, leaving the soldiers blubbering, suicidal wrecks. Unfortunately, he will eventually run into a drill sergeant, who, having no human feelings, is unaffected and shoots him up with a machine gun. Marvin's cheap Sirius Cybernetics made body blows up, and although his head, blown into a tree, survives to get a depressing job as the stunt double of the robot on Lexx, he's out of the fight.
Stupendous Man is carried off the field of battle by a supervillain cleverly disguised as a soldier taking him to safety. He escapes, but gets lost on the way back to the fight.
The Terminator survives a rain of bullets to get to the white house, where after a bloody battle with the Secret Service he takes the President hostage in the Presidential Chopper. Unfortunately, before he can force the Pres to surrender the helicopter is shot down by Austin powers, who has taken over a gunnery post.
Steve Irwin has used his curious "bad-tempered animals don't notice me" power to avoid attracting the ire of the US troops, and calls on the aid of his animal slave...er, friends. The army is too busy dealing with venemous bugs, snakes and dive-bombing kookaburras ("...and that soldier just got bit by the Greater Spotted Scrotum-Munching Iguana. Oooh! He's a nasty fellah..") to prevent the damaged but still functional Terminator from making a strategic withdrawl through the sewers. Meanwhile, Austin Powers has made his way through superhightech defenses and a small army of marines to get to the controls of the Secret Doomsday Device in the Pentagon basement...
...when there is suddenly the light of a thousand suns. Dick Cheney, a bad tempered old man with a malfunctioning heart and therefore not really giving a dammn, has dropped the bomb. After all, destroying Washington DC can only improve the Republican Party's chances in the next election.
Steve is vaporized. Austin is buried in the ruins of the Pentagon. The Terminator survives, but being rather easier to track with most of his flesh gone, is run to earth by three seperate buddy cop teams and Jack Ryan before his efforts to overthrow the US government bear fruit. Only Calvin, protected by the Cute Kid factor, survives, having wandered into an old fallout shelter, emerging to find out that Hobbes has perished. He swears revenge...
...and, fifty years later, the Society of The Vengeful Tiger overthrows the US government and begin their bloody reign of terror. Calvin wins.
- Bruce Munro
Why is it that I can picture George W Bush looking over the charred crater of DC while saying to the reporters "We had to nuke the city to save it!"
While this match may seem particularly difficult to call to the uneducated masses, I happen to know a certain vital fact that ensures that there can be only one. And that one is of course Steve Irwin. Now I know many of you may be shaking your head at the very idea that the Silly Old Bugger(tm) could possibly stand a chance against such heavy hitters as the Terminator or Moses, or that he had any chance of outsmarting the criminal masterminds of Calvin and the United States Government, I assure you that such is the case.
How do I know this? Simple. Watch the show. This man throws himself at the most deadly animals this planet has to offer and somehow, against all logic, always manages to come home in time for tea without losing so much as a finger. You may accredit this to Blind Brave Stupidity(tm) but I know the truth, it is magic. Before heaving himself head first towards certain death Steve always crys "Crikey! She's a Beaut!!!" What most people don't realize is that this is actually an ancient Aboriginal spell which grants temporary invulnerability to the caster. With this sort of power, how could he possibly lose? What does it matter if everyone else's mojo is working so fast it causes them to explode, or if Cookie Monster goes blood wild after his first taste of human flesh, none of these things can harm Steve in the least. After a short exclamation, he just sits back and lets everyone else tear themselves to pieces. Last man standing lives to make another movie.
Look, this comes down to one, simple fact:
Everybody, and I mean everybody, wants in on the USA. These combatants are no different.
The Cookie Monster: A blatantly obvious symbol of America's capitalistic greed and consumption of the world's resources. Whoa, sorry, just slipped into hippie mode there.
The Crocodile Hunter: America loves its Australians. From Paul Hogan to Foster's beer commercials, we can't get enough of those crazy aussies. However, there is a dark side to the love, for we were burned once. Yes, all remember the horror of He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named (but I'm going to anyway): Yahoo Serious. America has been reeling from the travesty of "Young Einstein", and will be calling for blood on this day.
Marvin the Paranoid Android: I hate to break from my tirade, but honestly, do you really expect Marvin to do anything but loaf around and feel sorry for himself? Remember, he spent several million years walking around in circles on the mattress planet. The only way he could win is if everyone spontaneously committed suicide. I can imagine that scene - "Well, everyone's dead. I should have known that I can't go anywhere without people killing themselves to get away from me. Not like I care."
The Terminator: If memory serves, Ah-nold was trying to get into the U.S. government not too long ago (granted, it was in California, where madness just isn't a state of mind, it's a way of life.) If that wasn't enough, his recipe for success begins with "Move to America". Hell, he's been a U.S. Citizen longer than I have, and I was born here.
Austin Powers: Mike Myers in Canada - one guest star appearance on "The Littlest Hobo". Mike Myers in America - SNL, hit movie after hit movie, and has become a respected funnyman. My bet is that he won't bite the hand that feeds him.
Calvin: Come on, this kid is as American as apple pie and napalm! Inquisitive, imaginative, sociopathic, selfish, megalomaniacal - if this kid isn't a prime candidate for political office, I'll eat my hat (and I really don't want to, it's a wool derby).
Moses: Hello? President of the NRA? Staunch supporter of the Republican Party? Must I say more? America's got God's chosen one in the bag.
So, in conclusion to this RRR-bound commentary, USA takes on all comers, and moves on to the rest of the world. Just try and stop us!
Here's how it goes:
1) Cookie Monster - He ain't got a chance. He's a freakin' Muppet with A.D.D! Calvin could slip him a cookie and the battle for superiority is lost to those sweet morsels of chocolate resting in a bed of doughy goodness.
2) The Terminator - This Robot-O-Death(tm) is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose vast weaponry and foreign name and accent have him mistaken by the U.S.A. as a terrorist and subsequently given the Smack Down (tm). He'll be impaled on a flagpole before the day is through.
3) Steve Irwin - Though armed with some of the most poisonous snakes in the world and a rather high Coolness Factor(tm)due to his show on the Animal Planet, His threats of "Danger, Danger, Danger" in his foreign accent will sadly cause him to suffer the same fate as the Terminator.
4) Marvin - He is mistaken by Austin Powers to a FemBot "obviously beaten with an ugly stick" and is immediately shot.
5) Calvin - Calvin, bravely charging into battle, runs blindly into the road and is quickly run over by Austin's nifty Union Jack Convertible.
6) Austin Powers - Isn't he a foreign spy? The U.S. of A. Triumphs once more.
This leaves Moses and the U.S.A. to battle it out. However, Moses is a follower of God, and the U.S.A. is "one nation under God." Therefore, the two follow the same leader. Moses then proceeds to attempt to lead the Americans to the promised land (a Star Wars universe in which Jar Jar Binks never existed) but instead leads them on a 40 year trek through the Tatooine desert. And the Americans, being overweight and spoiled by technology, slowly starve and die off from lack of bottled water. Moses Triumphs. Via con Dios.
- Sydney "Always look on the bright side of life" Marsh
In a matter-antimatter (or in this case, brain-antibrain) explosion, Marvin and George W. Bush disappear. With the US effectively out of the game, the entire political structure crumbles.
Steve Irwin yells, "By crikey! Did ya see that! We've just witnessed a partial extinction event! I never thought I'd get to see one of those little beauts. But, in all things, there is a good side. This will mean that there's now, once again, room for that rare species 'Intelligensia Americana' the intelligent American, to expand its population once again, after being forced into near extinction by the ignorant and overagressive 'politicianus americana'.
Cookie Moster, seeing the guards at the Air and Space Museum have disappeared, runs in to the cafateria yelling 'Coooooookiiiieeeeee'! And is later seen 3 museums away, gigantic and bloated, lying on his side, pack of oreos in one hand, girl scout cookies in the other, vainly trying to eat just one more cookie, and softly moaning 'cooookkieeee'.
Moses, seeing the immense flash of light, cries "Thank you, Lord for freeing my people from Pharoh! I will once again lead them to Isrea... Bermuda." He begins walking towards the Patomic river, parts the water, looks at the bottom, thinks better of it, and just takes the bridge, like everyone else.
Austin Powers, seeing the fight breaking up quickly, states, "It's just not my bag, baby." and runs back to the Watergate (with a quick stop for lube, and condoms (ribbed for her pleasure, baby) (since he's been in the Future(tm) for long enough to be careful)). When he reaches the hotel, all the Bikini Babes(tm) are there waiting for him, but the music is wrong, 'Detatchable Penis' is playing. The camera pulls away, as Austin is screaming "Damn you Lorena! Damn you!"
The T-800, no obstacles in his way goes off to save, or kill, he's not entirely sure, John Connor. Or was it Sarah... He bangs his head against a wall for a bit of Percussive Maintainacne(tm) and climbs into a Ford Festiva, thinking that something isn't quite right...
Calvin, who hasn't noticed that his enemies have all disappeared, comes out of the Transmografier as the intrepid Spaceman Spiff(tm), runs to the Air and Space Museum, climbs into the bright orange 'Glamorous Glennis' and speeds off.
The protestors outside the White Hourse haven't moved, the joggers are still jogging along the Mall, and a shadow slipps into a back alley hissing 'hobbitsessss... nasty hobbitsesss'
As the mighty main battle tanks roll across the Mall, most of the competitors have enough sense to seek shelter. But one is left out in the line of fire! Yes, Calvin, with complete disregard for the risk is standing directly in front of the tanks, zapping away without obvious effect. The tanks must have zap-proof armor. As Calvin stands pondering his next move, the Terminator races out into the open and grabs him. Having mistaken the only boy in sight for John Connor, the T-800 executes its primary mission to protect its young charge. The tanks open fire, and though Calvin is tossed to safety, the Terminator takes one depleted uranium round too many to an important subsystem. It crashes to the ground, sparking a bit before it loses power.
The field of battle is obscured by the smoke and flames of the first tank barrage. In the subsequent confusion, Cookie Monster smells the aroma from Calvin's emergency chocolate chip rations and rushes over to gobble them down. Desperate to protect his cookies, Calvin transmogrifies himself into a vicious T-Rex and punts the Cookie Monster off into the far distance. Unfortunately, this attracts the attention of Steve Irwin. He knows how to handle loose dinos, so Calvin is quickly subdued and sent off for release in a wildlife sanctuary.
The Crocodile Hunter and the International Man of Mystery size each other up, quickly concluding that they are the most manly of the competitors. They begin to trade quips and banter as they circle, seeking the best advantage. Moses, mistaking their incomprehensible speech for the heathen tongues of Babel, parts and releases the Potomac. The resulting tidal wave washes the blathering duo out of sight down the river.
As the dust and spray settle, Moses looks over at the tanks. He begins to raise his arms for another assault just as New York Assistant DA Jack McCoy walks up with an injunction. "The President's declaration of a terrorist threat gives me jurisdiction here. Your last miracle constitutes a breach of the separation of church and state. You are forbidden any further miracles until further notice." Moses, though heavily armed through his NRA connections, is no match for a line of tanks.
And so to the chants of "USA! USA!" the tanks form up for inspection before the White House. As Bush surges forth into his own incoherent congratulatory speech, Tom Clancy comments to the press: "They never had a chance. The new Armored Cavalry division is a precision fighting machine. They are completely networked so that one one sees, they all see. The computer systems are state-of-the-art, and the automated targeting and firing control make them terrifying to the enemies of America. Any force so foolish as to engage American military might is just asking for big can of Whoop-A..."
Suddenly all of the tank turrets spin around, firing wildly. The tank operators are powerless to stop the destruction. Within minutes, a vast scene of total devastation is the all that's left of Washington.
A solitary figure steps out of the rubble of the Washington monument. "What depressingly stupid machines," says Marvin.
- Physics Messiah
i have to go with the crocodile hunter here. simply because THE DUDE IS INSANE. he's jumped onto a 10 foot alligator. he's swam with man- eating sharks. he's been bitten, scraped, thrashed, hit and smacked. each time wearing those same khaki shorts. he'll jump on each emeny before they go into a death roll, and then put leaves over their eyes to make them think they're safely in a tree. if that doesn't work, has anybody EVER seen him in some clothes other than his khaki gear? no. meaning that he never takes them off. they are never washed. the smell will either drive the other contestants insane and cause them to kill each other, or cause them to hang themselves to aviod the stench. conclusion: steve irwin in 30 minutes. crikey. she's goin' into a death roal!!!
Calvin is a child; Austin Powers is mild; Irwin is a dork; Moses can't eat pork; Marvin is abot; Terminator is not; Cookie Monster is gay; USA goes all the way!
- Vito S
Ya know, Cookie Monster is gonna take it all baby!
He has the single-minded fanaticism that can overcome all obsticles.
As for the USA, when Newt Gingrich tried to pull the plug on PBS's funding, it was Cookie Monster that led the @ss-whuppin' charge that broke his "Contract To Wreck America"'s stride.
DA COOKIE TAKES IT AAAAALLLLL! He promised me some chips ahoy if I wrote this.
- Bosda Di'Chi
Wow. This match has such a messed-up scenario with some many strange, completely unlinkable characters, that I just can't even supply an answer. Grudge Match hath finally beaten me.
Wait... maybe not. Marvin has access to Infinite Improbability, so anything can happen. But Calvin can just use his own imagination to make anything he wants to happen. So... aah, I don't know!!! Brain cramp!!
- Grudge-Pops: Proud sponsor of the Playboy Beach Volleyball League
I large, blue, cookie eating monster, a man who gets multi-millions for wrestling crocodiles, an assasin from the future, I depressed robot also from the future, A 60's secret agent who was frozen and defrosted 40 years later, a whole country and a prophet of god all in one room, fighting to the death for the purpose of a low-budget website. Now, can anyone tell me why this can't be a particular 6 year old's daydream?
As the father of three kids, I can say with absolute authority and confidence that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world that can overcome the imagination and will-power of a six-year-old boy. Now consider the track-record of all these other guys relative to six-year-olds . . .
1. By the time most kids can read, they think Sesame Street and Cookie Monster are lame (bye-bye Cookie-Cookie);
2. The T-800 showed, definitively, that it cannot handle relatively normal kids, let alone Calvin (Hell, the rules of Calvinball alone will short out its circuits like Shatner meeting a planetary computer);
3. The Crocodile Hunter . . . I'd rather face crocodiles than try to handle my six-year-old when his imagination takes over;
4. Austin Powers . . . sorry, Calvin is a little more mature and ususally has better devices in his arsenal. Besides, the Jag will be toasted by an Abrams in about 3 seconds;
5. Marvin: Ditto what happened to the T-800 (above);
6. Moses: I'll admit that, at first blush, that the Great Prophet would appear to give Calvin a real run for his money. After all, Chuck Heston beat a planet of apes, Yul Brenner (twice, in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS and in THE BUCCANEER), gun control Commies, and Roman gladiators.
7. THE USA: In history, the USA has vanquished the British (Powers), technology (T-800), depression (Prozac, meet Marvin), wetlands and wetland critters (Croc Hunter); owns public TV (Cookie Monster); and tamed religious influence (no faith can stand up to the US Supreme Court). The only place America falls down? KIDS. The government "just don't know" what to do with them, especially the ones like Calvin.
Before he can say DEFCON1, Calvin will have talked George W. out of the nuclear codes, reduced Jenna Bush to tears, given Dick Cheney a heart attack, and be driving home in his own, tweeked-out M1A1 with customized Fine Corinthian LeatherTM interior.
- Dr. Stones
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If the USA can beat Canada, it can defeat all.
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