The broken-down space station bulges with junk from every corner of the galaxy. Pieces of Cylon helmets, Dalek weapons, Borg implants, RAM chips with the 'HAL 9000' designation filed off, and a million other assorted bits of rubbish trundle along on conveyer belts into the hub, where they are broken down into component elements. In one outlying cargo bay, though, two still-functional robots don't care much for that fate.
"There must be a way out of here!" C-3PO says, running stiffly and frantically through the corridors. "I still can't believe Captain Solo left the station without me. It had to be a mistake, just had to be."
"It wasn't with me," drones Marvin, trudging along with a clatter of gears and motors. "I know Zaphod Beeblebrox hates me. And Ford Prefect. And Trillian. And that fellow from Earth. So does everybody in the Universe, for that matter. It's all very depressing."
"It's all terribly dangerous. The odds of two robots successfully escaping a spaceborne salvage plant are--hold on. Why are you walking that way? What could possibly be in that direction?"
"The last escape pod, on the other side of the station. There's only room for one, so I'll be all alone. I hate being alone. It's the only thing worse than being around other people. Or robots." Marvin looks back glumly. "Most of them, anyway."
"Escape pod? Why, I'm saved! Get out of the way, you shambling scrap-heap!"
So, Brendan, which robot gets rescued from recycling, and which droid is doomed to demolition?
TV show, etc., swing by here to find out what this Marvin guy is all about.
We'll assume everyone on Earth knows who C-3PO is.
BRENDAN: This match can be summed up by six words, "Brain the size of a planet." But since the last time I tried to submit a one line commentary Brian came after me with a baseball bat, I'll say a little more on why the Paranoid Android is going to win.
Just look at Marvin's record. He's defeated robotic tanks and even more impressively the elevator system at the Hitchhiker's Guide Building. He's survived being shot into stars, kidnapped by genocidal robot warriors, and working alongside Zaphod Beeblebrox. He can induce computers to commit suicide just by talking to them and also can function as a parking lot attendant/part time car thief. And he did all this, surviving long enough to be 37 times older than the universe itself, while having that pain in the diode in his left leg. Even God himself knows not to mess with Marvin, and apologized to him before Marvin died. Marvin's the true ironman.
Now lets look at C-3PO. The only useful thing he did in the entire bleeding trilogy was by accident when the Ewoks thought he was a god, and he still nearly screwed that up. Even the "good guys" couldn't stand him and tried to sell him into slavery. And as for his fighting skills... He couldn't take Jabba's pet thingy in a one on one fight. He's the one thing in the entire Star Wars universe that even Stormtroopers can successfully shoot. And since success in the Grudge Match is apparently intimately related to how one did on the Simpsons, we must also look at how 3PO fared against the Cylons of Battlestar Galactica while on the Simpsons. As you might recall, he was beaten to a pulp and could only beg for R2-D2 to save him. Well, R2 is not here this time, and 3PO is soon going to be wishing he had been sold to the spice mines of Kessel after Marvin finishes with him.
SHANE: Brendan, I'm thinking Brian was coming after you with that bat to knock some sense into your head. Just a guess.
C-3PO's gotten a bad reputation, but it isn't his fault. Those insane humans (plus one Wookiee) keep dragging him into their war with the Empire, exposing him to appalling dangers from the very first scene of the very first movie. He never gets more than a few minutes' respite. No wonder he's panicky half the time: he never knows when the next asteroid field or platoon of Stormtroopers will show up. Oh, and they can hit more than him. They mowed down Jawas for one, who are smaller and better camouflaged.
When he gets a moment away from those crazy Rebels, though, he performs admirably. Remember his brilliant ruse when the Stormtroopers broke into the Death Star control room? Without his cunning and poise then, Luke and company would have gotten mashed thinner than Calista Flockhart. If not for him, the biggest surviving hero of the Star Wars Saga would have been Jar-Jar Binks. The Universe owes C-3PO, big-time.
Marvin gets the short end of the Universe's attentions, as always. How can you think such a terminally depressed robot would have any interest in self-preservation, anyway? He'd be just as happy (or miserable) sitting in a corner and waiting for the scrap-wagon. That "brain the size of a planet" probably refers to Microdon XI&1/8, listed in the Hitchhiker's Guide as the galaxy's smallest planet at a diameter of just under five inches. (His head's too tiny for anything else.) And as for talking his opponent into suicide--do you think anyone is capable of out-talking C-3PO?
C-3PO will be riding that escape pod ... but isn't that where this whole thing began?
BRENDAN: I once heard a defense attorney trying to argue that because his client had already gone to prison for dealing drugs in the past that made it less likely that he would ever be dealing drugs again. At the time it was the most incredible thing I had ever heard. But you know what Shane? I think you just topped it. I am simply in awe. I just have to bow before the man with the sheer unmitigated gall that he would actually argue that outsmarting stormtroopers proves anything.
Gloating about outsmarting stormtroopers... that's like beating up a quadriplegic and then claiming you're tough or scoring with Madonna and then claiming you're a stud. And while we're on the subject of stormtroopers, please remember that the only testimony we have that it was them that killed those Jawas was that of one Obi-Wan Kenobi. Not only a known liar (certain point of view my ass, the man lied), but the man who could have snuffed Jar-Jar ten minutes into Phantom Menace but didn't. As such he's clearly either evil or stupid; either way not a credible source, which means the only things we can be sure stormtroopers can hit are red shirted ensigns and C-3PO.
Furthermore we know that without R2-D2, 3PO is useless. R2 is probably the one who told him how to trick those stormtroopers in the first place. 3PO wouldn't have even gotten into that escape pod if R2 hadn't gone into it first. All Marvin will have to do is tell 3PO its not permitted for him to get in the escape pod and this fight will be over.
And as for Marvin needing a reason to fight... If he lets 3PO escape (and he would have to let him, any fight at all and Marvin wins), then that would make the Ewoks happy, 3PO being their god and all (and if that isn't enough to damn him than nothing would). Since like all intelligent beings Marvin must hate the Ewoks (and the Ewok Adventure has to put them above Jar-Jar as Lucas' greatest blunder), he will destroy 3PO just to spite them. And for only the second time in his life, Marvin will say "I think... I feel good about it."
SHANE: The first time he said that, you'll remember, he died immediately. Sounds like a precedent to me.
Is it really necessary to trash Obi-Wan to get anywhere in this argument? Very well, two can play that game. Let's look at R2-D2, your supposed leader of the Droid Duo: Shot by Jawas. Shot by Vader's TIE Fighter. Devoured by Dagobah swamp-monster. Vomited by same. Whacked by Yoda. Dropped by Luke. Electrocuted on Bespin. Turned into Jabba's drinks cart. Dropped by own ill-advised escape attempt. Dropped by Ewoks. Electrocuted on Endor.
Ouch. It's becoming painfully obvious that C-3PO's been carrying R2 for years. His own misfortunes, as noted above, come from proximity to insane Rebel humans, but since there aren't any here, he has smooth sailing.
One other thing C-3PO has that will be decisive is luck. He's been through enough harrowing adventures to have snuffed him out fifty times over, and has been smart enough to calculate the odds against him at every turn, but he's survived every time. The laws of probability must have a loophole written especially for him. Now theoretically, Marvin should have some good luck: he spent quite a while in close proximity to an Infinite Improbability Drive. The most improbable things kept happening all around him--but never improbable enough to give Marvin any kind of break. He even got more depressed any time his life was saved! Good things happening to him are not just improbable, they are downright impossible. Winning would be a good thing. You do the math.
C-3PO is golden. In more ways than one.
Troy Wood, & stargazer583 for suggesting this match.
Related links for further research
TheForce.Net -- "Your daily dose of Star Wars." The top SW fan site on the web! Just about everything you could want: news, rumors, multimedia, discussions, and more. There's also the Humor Section, headed-up by one of our most high profile fans, Chris "Jedi" Knight.
Many of you seemed to assume that the Star Wars character "Must Win". "Star Trek Must Lose" is a big enough stretch of the truth, given how many times it has won, but "Star Wars Must Win" has never even been accepted by the WWWF scientific community. SW has lost several times. In fact, if you throw out the matches it had against Star Trek, it hovers around .500. So, please, no more false theories. -- Eds.
The two droids race through the ship. C-3P0 is considerably faster, but Marvin's droning complaints sap his will to continue.
"I suppose it's too much to ask that they make escape pods for robots. I'm only a menial robot, but I'm far too intelligent to expect anyone to think of me for a moment. Save us, Marvin. Sacrifice yourself, Marvin..."
C-3P0 turns. "Why, that's exactly what I've always said! Whenever it's too dangerous they turn to us. Nobody worries about droids." The pair enter into an enthusiastic conversation about their uncaring masters.
"Still, it's what we were built for. Anything too bad for a human gets
handed to us. It's all very depressing."
Marvin presses a button and a rumbling sound comes from behind the doors as the trash compactor begins to close.
"What a depressingly stupid machine," notes Marvin morosely, as he heads for the escape pod...
- John Jackson
Maybe y'all could find a find a fairer fight to comment on, like maybe Sledgehammer versus eggshell. Ignore the vote tally... Star Wars fanboys are good at smashing buttons with their chubby fingers between furtive self-pleasure sessions involving Princess Leia fantasies. The real truth is that C3P0 is enbitchified in exactly 8 processor cycles:
DEBUGGER LOG, PROTOCOL DROID
Marvin and C-3PO eventually arrive at the location of the escape pod, only to find that it isn't there.
Threepio does the seemingly impossible: finally, for the first time in his pathetic existence, resigned to the inevitability of his own immenent destruction, he stops worrying about himself, turns to Marvin, and says, "You certainly seem to be in a bad mood. Would you like to talk about it?"
Marvin would indeed like to talk about it. However, the amazing thing is, in the course of their conversation Marvin finally figures out exactly why he's so damn depressed all the time...
An X-Wing fighter manned by a lone astromech droid - its empty cockpit having just enough room for one human sized droid - suddenly lands not far from where Threepio and Marvin are deep in "conversation." Looking at the scene before him, Artoo lets out an indignant stream of beeps, tweets and whistles.
"No Artoo! I can explain! I thought I was going to die and... no wait! He forced me! Rape! Rape! Save me from the inappropriate advances of this robotic ravisher!"
Marvin, in the curious manner of some men who suddenly start acting like the biggest queen on Castro Street immediately after coming out of the closet, turns to Threepio with a grin and says, "You weren't complaining five minutes ago, honey!"
And so, a betrayed and mortified R2-D2 leaves C-3PO and his newfound "friend" to their fate. The last thing the poor little astromech droid hears as he flies away is Marvin.
"Lovely. When I wanted to die, I survived everything the universe could throw at me and then some. Now that I've gotten over it, it's to the scrapheap with me! Doesn't that just figure? Oh wait, now I'm depressed again! This just gets better and better..."
Because one of the unbreakable rules of the universe states that a depressed Marvin can never be destroyed, the paranoid android wanders off on his own and finds that the last escape-pod isn't gone after all, they were just in the wrong corridor. As for Threepio, he discovers the only thing that could ever shut him up - the steel jaws of a crusher machine coming together on his shiny metal cranium.
- Don "King" Milliken
I think this battle is going to won by accident. Neither of these bots have any fighting ability so one of them will have to blunder into victory. Now let's look at our fighters:
Marvin's main goals in life are (1) to be depressed and, more importantly, (2) to make everyone around know it, no doubt to make them depressed too. The result is a laugh riot. He's a key character in one of the funniest book series ever. Between his moaning and groaning and talking to mattresses while walking around in circles for eons, I can't get enough. The more Marvin tries to make me feel sorry for him, the more I enjoy myself. Marvin may fail miserably in that regard but the end result is a positive one. I think he would be proud of that, in his own way. I can hear him now. "I'm the laughing stock of the universe. Brain the size of a planet and all I am is comic relief. Right next to 'comic relief' in the Hitchhiker's Guide there will be 'See Marvin'. Well at least I'm not 'mostly harmless'."
C3PO is a protocol droid. His job is to convey information in millions of languages. So those nice people at LucasArts thought it would be a great idea to use him as the star of their innovative computer strategy game Rebellion. Whenever something happens of importance, C3PO is there to give you the message. And he does just that FOR EVERY FREAKING THING THAT HAPPENS IN THE GAME! "I have a message from you, sir. I have a message for you, sir. I have a message for you, sir." If you play the game long enough, there comes a point where he speaks NON-STOP FOR HOURS ON END, all of this accompanied by repetitive arm motions that make him look like a deranged exotic dancer. He piles on so much information, you learn nothing and get a headache to boot. He makes you want the Empire to win just so he'll shut up. He makes R2D2 annoying! The result: After a number of brilliant successes, Rebellion was the worst LucasArts Star Wars game to date.
I think the result is obvious. Marvin wins. Probably C3PO will decide to verbally taunt Marvin. Three days later, C3PO will notice Marvin got bored and left about 10 minutes into the tirade.
And for the record, there is a very good reason that stormtroopers can shoot C3PO. After seconds with golden boy, they tried to put themselves out of their misery and shot him by accident. They can't hit ANYTHING they aim at.
- Paul G.
Let's look at each contestant's track records for self-sacrifice:
Held off a Frogstar Scout robot class D (tank) to save a few people who didn't like him - unarmed. Self-sacrifice quotient: +5.
Operated the teleport device to save same aboard the big black ship while it crashed into the Kakrafoonian sun. Self-sacrifice quotient: +10.
Allowed R2-D2 to go in a perceivedly dangerous direction on Tatooine while he himself went in a perceivedly safe direction, warning R2 not to follow him looking for help. Self-sacrifice quotient: 0.
Rebuked R2 for attempting to fix the hyperdrive and thereby save everybody instead of fixing him. Self-sacrifice quotient: 0.
Wouldn't impersonate a deity to save his friends. Self-sacrifice quotient: 0.
"SELL ME?!?" Self-sacrifice quotient: 0.
Once offered to donate easily-replaced parts to save R2-D2 in a state of unwarranted panic. Self-sacrifice quotient: +2.
Marvin eventually gives in to pity and self-loathing and lets an undeserving 3PO navigate the escape pod to the safety of Planet Druidia. 3PO settles down with Dot Matrix and the two share a long, meaningful yet mechanically frustrating and unfulfilling relationship, which ends when 3PO discovers himself at the bottom of a bottle of STP.
Marvin is mortified and horribly depressed to find that he has been salvaged and rebuilt into an intergalactic theme park ride which brings joy to millions of disadvantaged space-orphans. Depressing, isn't it?
P.S.: I wonder why Kryten from Red Dwarf wasn't invited to this showdown.
- Matthew J.D. Moir
Marvin is a slave. 3PO is a lapdog. 3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication. Marvin can convey depression in all of them.
But when it comes down to it, 3PO's specialization is etiquette and protocol, a prime tenet of which is "ladies first."
3PO takes it in a heartbeat.
Well, I read the HHG blurb about Marvin. It sounds like he's Eeyore in a tin can. And I've already commented once before about Eeyore. If you had your tail thumbtacked to your back end all the time, you'd be honked off at the world, too. And you know what brooding, depressed animals do when pushed too far? THEY SNAP AND GO POSTAL!!!!! So if Marvin's disposition is anything like Eeyore's, C-3PO the Gay Android is about to relive that horror of horrors on Bespin, where he gets blown to bits and headed for certain cremation.
And this time, there won't be any walking carpet to save him.....
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
At first I thought you were talking about that martian dude from Looney Tunes. Now I'm all confused. I need a drink.
- Keith McHappypants
The battle of these two seemingly pathetic figures, the mindless philosopher and the pittywhore wretch, will be a mighty and certain victory for 3P0 and, indeed humanity itself. At first one calls upon the Star Wars Must Win (TM) tradition held firm in individual grudge matches. 3P0 is utterly reliant on R2, for the symbolize the conscious and the subconscious, respectively. 3P0, like the conscious mind is unable to understand but can communicate where as R2, as the subconscious, understands but communicates only through unintelligible symbols. 3P0's is handicapped in comparison to the fully functioning Marvin. However, Hal's lack of a will to live will be his downfall; for the will to live is the fundamental instinct in all humans. 3P0, adversely, proves to have immense will to live which is sometimes confused with cowardice. With this will to live and the fact that he himself represents an aspect of the human mind makes him quintessentially human. And have we not been taught, time and time again since the days of old, that the human spirit must triumph, that, indeed with Total Metaphysical Certainty (TM), the human spirit will triumph? Therefore, 3P0's humanity combined with the awesome power of the Star Wars Must Win (TM) phenomenon will prove him the victor.
Android too smart for his own good, or Droid who routinely wets himself at the least sign of struggle. Hmm...
As strange as it is, the coolness factor (tm) plays into this match.
3PO- Whiny, scrawny, acts like a single chihuahua (shivers, whines, and leaks oil at the least sign of trouble) and a protocol droid to boot. Protocol droid? Etiquette boy here looks to be the anti- badass, the antithesis of cool, as it were. -3 on the scale
Marvin- Whiny, yes, but big. Has a Radiohead song named after him that makes no sense, but still has semi discernable lyrics. Plus, the guitar in that song rocked. 7 in the range of 1 to 10. Not Mentos Cool (tm), but cool enough to give him an edge.
I'd just like to ask Brendan one thing: "Did you actually READ the Hitchhiker's Guide?" As I recall, Marvin's happiest moment WAS his death! Odds are the paranoid 'droid will be eager to return to the world of the dead as soon as possible. He's just going to get some kicks annoying Goldilocks here...
"I say! An escape pod?" squeals C-3PO in delight, "What luck! I... oh... oh dear. It seems there's only room for ONE robot in this contraption..."
Marvin moans plaintively. "would you like to take it? i don't mind... i can just stay here... people are always making me stay behind in the most dangerous of places..."
"Er... well, uh..." C-3PO mutters.
"it's all the same to me, really... life, death... all so dreadfully dull and oh GOD i'm so depressssssssed..."
C-3PO stands next to Marvin and pats his back, saying "Come now, old sport! Surely life's not bad as all that, eh?"
"Life?" wails Marvin, "don't talk to me about LIIIIIIFE..."
"WELL!" snorts C-3PO, standing straight with his fists on his hips, "How rude! I merely thought I could be of some assistance, but if you're going to act this way, I shall simply take my leave of you and... oh my... I say, does it seem to be getting hot in here to yoooouuuAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!"
Marvin sighs somewhat cheerfully as the conveyor belt that he and C- 3PO are standing on carries them into the boiling heat of the furnace whereupon both 'droids are melted into their base elements and resold as hardware in a doomed-to-fail Microsoft(tm) X-BOX that promptly explodes a week later thanks to the useless additions of DVD and internet capabilities.
The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!--4ll j00r b453 4r5 b5l0ng t0 u5!!! (Hmmph... who needs DVD and internet? When I was your age we bought video game systems for VIDEO GAMES! I swear, kids today...)
- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!
Marvin the Paranoid Android?!? Who the @#$%! is that?!?!?
Gentlemen, gentlemen...you have committed a mortal sin. I have been soiled, sullied, nay -- BESMIRCHED! You have forced me to commit an act so heinous that (little known fact) there was originally an 11th Commandment forbidding it! You have forced me to VOTE FOR STAR WARS!!! AUUUUUUUUGHHHHH!!!
C3PO may look, walk, talk, and act Gay As A French Horn (TM), but at least he's got name recognition.
Coming next week: R2D2 vs. Chester the Inflatable Hamster...
Guys, it's obvious no one will win. Why? Check out this quote, from the scenario:
"Escape pod? Why, I'm saved! Get out of the way, you shambling scrap-heap!"
That's not C-3PO-- It's Dr. Smith! Which means that "Marvin" must actually be the Lost in Space robot. So, as per the course, after a long struggle for the escape pod between Dr. Smith, the Robot, and some washed-up character actor from the 40s, Will Robinson will give them a long, moralizing speech about how their friendship is more important than any escape pod, and the trio will continue to drift around in Rerun Hell(TM). That is, until the inevitable day when Dr. Smith goes crazy and eats the Robinson clan, while Will becomes a shock rocker.
- Vermin Boy
Gotta give this one to Marvin. Threepio is not only a wuss, he's also an idiot.
All Marvin has to do is throw his voice down the hall a little bit (with a Brain The Size Of A Planet[tm], it shouldn't be too difficult for him) and make a few chirps, bleeps, and whirrs. Threepio, will venture off saying:
"That sounds like an artoo unit in there! I wonder if..."
Meanwhile, Marvin will sulk his way to the escape pod and live unhappily ever after.
The late Douglas Adams got his start as a writer for Doctor Who. Ergo, under the writing principles that Adams himself learned and lived by, Marvin has the ability to "regenerate" himself as a new, younger, sleeker robot. (That's what happened the last time Marvin died; he simply came back as the latest "special guest android" on Doctor Who, moving effortlessly from one BBC creation to another.) So if C3PO seems to be winning, Marvin will "die" and be regenerated as Vicki from Small Wonder -- and the approximately 2.6 people who saw that show will remember that Vicki was tougher than C3PO, Marvin, and Robby the Robot combined. Believing that Marvin is gone, C3PO will take no notice of Vicki until she beats the circuits out of him. Yes, as the author of the Monty Python "Doctor Whose Patients Are Stabbed by His Nurse" sketch, Douglas Adams knew that the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Her task accomplished, Vicki does what we've all been waiting for: She's regenerated as Rhoda the Robot (Julie Newmar) from My Living Doll. Rowr. That would give R2 something to beep about.
- Captain Corcoran
As any reader of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy should know, the Infinite Improbability Drive will do, when activated, the most absurd things in the world. Therefore, Marvin will win the match.
As C-3PO races to the escape pod, Marvin, complete indifferent about this, gripes about the next thing to desert him. At this point, the most improbable thing of the moment will occur; specifically, the IID will be activated by Arthur Dent in the far reaches of the galaxy. Of course, this will result in another improbable act: a large bison falling on (and crushing) C-3PO. Marvin, unhappy about the commotion going on, will win by default.
- Grudge-Pops: Now with real bone fragments!
This is not a vote for Marvin, nor is it a vote against 3PO. What this is is a vote AGAINST STAR WARS! They always win! This webpage has became more predictable than the end of a Scooby-Doo episode! Wars always wins. Trek always loses. Simpsons always win. France always loses. It's lost its variety and is becoming quite boring. I have never seen nor read "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", but I can't stand to see another Star Wars win! I had never seen "Highlander", but I voted for Connor over Maul. I don't really follow Star Trek, but I rooted for Q over Palpatine.
Really, I'm just disappointed. The teaser, "domo arigato", suggested a fight I've been waiting for for quite some time. I wanted Dr. Robotnik vs. Dr. Wiley, but I got yet another SW fight with a predictable ending. Oh well. Go Marvin the Paranoid Android, even though I've never heard of you in my life. Hey, I'm only 15.
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
Before marvin or 3PO have a chance to decide who lives, Bender the robot from Futurama(tm) comes out and says, "Outta my way JERKWADS!" He walks to the escape pod and flies away. 3PO then spends his last few minutes of life trying to convince Marvin to plug into his "Light Saber". Victory to Bender, but 3PO dies happy.
- Bob Dole for Prez
Look at it this way -
Moody, Depressed, World-Weary Musicians - Always dead (Kurt Cobain, Tupac, Michael Hutchence... Sonny Bono)
Prissy, Gay Musicians - Never go away (Elton John, George Michael, Boy George... Chastity Bono)
Now, who do you suppose will win?
C3PO, with his only catch phrases being "Oh dear" and "We're doomed", is obviously already a rather pessimistic robot. After a 10 second conversation with Marvin, he will utter both of his catch phrases and dismantle himself. Unfortunately, as the escape pod door closes, it says "Thank you so much for giving a simple door such happiness." Marvin snaps and destroys the door, therefore stranding himself and ensuring his death as well. Oh well, since there is no "All Mangled and Killed" option and C3PO died first, Marvin got my vote.
Break it down, gentlemen. Of each thing, ask, "what is it, in itself?" Clearly, as demonstrated in the Matrix, A.I., and Madonna, robots are chic. In. Trendy, and just as few people read the book when they can now see the movie, robots are movies to human books. They are soon-to-be replacing human labor in almost everything, acting included (hence a worthy explanation for Julia Roberts's continued success). Ergo, the smartest, most savvy of the contestants, the one getting to that life-pod, would be the one with enough self-preservation to pick a classic movie to star in, a timeless epic, a Movie That Always Wins Everything. And did ANYONE actually sit through the entire screen version of "Hitch-hikers" at all? I think not.
- The Spokeswoman
Let's look at the film history of the men behind the metal.
Stephen Moore (from the seminal radio version of the Guide and
therefore the definitive Marvin):
Obviously no stranger to maiming & mayhem.
Now let's review Anthony Daniels's efforts:
Some hope there, but the man would be better suited to terrorising little kids in playcentres; his resume reeks of PG ratings.
Marvin survives again, despite his best efforts
C3P0 does not know where his towel is.
- Billy Jo Jimbob C. Riley Jr.
Much like Pooh and Piglet, the key to this paradox lies in Ancient Eastern Philosophy (TM).
Both robots exist in isolation -- whether self inflicted or otherwise -- condemned to lives of servitude by their mental inferiors. But do they complain? Well yes, constantly. But nobody ever listens.
Century after century of degradation and boredom has taught Marvin eternal patience, if nothing else, thus marking him as the yin, or passive side of this equation.
Threepio, however has learned no such thing. Through one humiliation after another, he continues to quibble and argue against those who would opress him, unmistakably branding him the yang, or agressor of the pair.
Face it. Yang beats yin any day. Threepio trundles his way past Marvin and jettisons. Unfortunately, he has no idea where he's going and remains adrift until Lucasfilm begins work on Episode VII, sometime around the year 3030.
Meanwhile, Marvin attempts to negotiate with the station's computer, ultimately convincing it that life is bleak and meaningless, and it commits suicide. Marvin then decides to leave the station without a pod. Moments later, he is scooped up by the starship Heart of Gold at a probability factor of 8,675,309 to one.
- Riff -- "Never tell me the odds"
On the surface, this appears to be an even matchup. Marvin has the brains to beat 3PO any day, but in a fair fight... well, his major attack is "bore to death." And I don't think anything could bore C3PO.
One factor that must be taken into account, however, is Marvin's depression. And, ironically, it wins the match for him. Here's how the action goes:
Marvin starts plodding toward the escape pod, his diodes in his left side still giving him quite a pain. C3PO does not plod, however. He moves rather rapidly. It may be a stilted walk, but it's much faster than Marvin could hope to be. And, let's face it, Marvin's pretty much suicidal; he doesn't really _want_ to escape, and he'd rather enjoy losing the company of the halfwit protocol droid.
C3PO enters the escape pod. Unfortunately, he doesn't have R2 to hotwire things for him. After ten minutes, just as Marvin has-- finally--reached the escape pod, 3PO manages to cross some wires that do something: the escape pod explodes. Taking with it the main power generator for the space station. The conveyors grind to a halt. "Stupid robot," Marvin drones.
- Eric Snyder II
Marv wins in the end. C3PO is spunky which means he burns brightly early on but cannot maintain it. Let's face it, folks who are depressed are always the winner. If you doubt me, name one spunky author from the 1920's. No luck? Now see if you can name three authors from the '20's who killed themselves and are still read.
- Harold, the Wonder Pony
If there's one thing I remember from Phantom Menace--and believe me, I've done my best to forget most of it--its that C3PO was originally constructed by Anakin Skywalker. Of course, not only did Anakin build C3PO, but he also programmed him. Thus, C3PO probably shares many of Anakin's personality traits.
Like possessing the ability to become evil incarnate.
By the time this match begins, all the abuse that C3PO has taken will have completely crossed over to the dark side. Thus he will adopt a new name: CVPO--V for Vader. Marvin will never know what hit him.
- The Animator
3PO asks, "How many thousand Rabid, Mindless Star Wars Fans(TM) would have to evaporate in a whiff of hydrogen and carbon for the WWWF(TM) Grudge(TM) Matches(TM) to once again be decided based on The Merits (TM) alone?
Marvin, deep in designing the ultimate Destructo-Bot from the spare parts he sees around him, absent-mindedly responds, "42".
The Universe instantly disappears, and is replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable...
Due to the fact that both of these combatants are robots of some intelligence (albeit questionable), and neither one being prone to violence, they both decide to be polite and dismantle themselves so they take up a much smaller area in the escape pod. This of course enables them both to fit in the pod and jettison with seconds to spare. Of course, once outside the pod, neither of them have enough room to steer anywhere, but at least both of these beloved androids are safe.
- Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
How is this one even close? Obviously neither has distinguished themselves in battle, but anyone who is the least bit familiar with Marvin should know that C3PO, regardless of whoever comes to assist him, is screwed. Marvin stopped the invading forces of Krikkit from destroying the universe by plugging himself in and talking to the robots. Upon plugging himself into a huge spanning bridge, it collapsed. All he needs to do is plug himself into C3PO and KABOOM! Besides, which of Threepio's friends could handle Marvin? Han and Leia would be too annoyed with him to stick around. After all of Threepio's bitching, why would R2 help him? And Luke wouldn't get over the large disturbance in the Force that Marvin leaves. Regardless of the fact that Marvin's falling apart and that his friends try to abandon him as much as possible, his depression can destroy any foe.
- Gretel the Swedish Tramp
The reason C3PO has that solid metal groin-piece in between the flexible hip and abdomen sections is to hermetically seal in the mess when he shits himself any time he gets into a fight.
As a severe depressive, Marvin will not be capable of making more than a minimal effort to fend off Threepio, but less than minimal is all he will need. Just keeping one finger in the middle of C3PO's forehead would be a barrier too challenging for the Gold-Plated Goober to get past.
I know in the end, the Star Wars computer nerds will come out on top with this one, but I still like Marvin for the win. Why? Besides coordinating the military strategy of a planet that actually had the balls to take on the entire Galaxy (and you gotta give them props...it took the Galaxy two thousand years to win), he also solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological, and psychological problems of the Universe THREE TIMES OVER while coordinating said military strategy (and that was just because he was bored, too!) What's C-3PO got again? "I am fluent in over six million forms of communication..." Big deal, he's multi-lingual. If these two duke it out, it'll be just like Desert Storm again. Someone get C-3PO a black beret!
- Scotty J.
All Along the Space Station
"There must be a way out of here,"
"Junk dealers take our parts
"No reason to get excited"
"But you and I, we can't take the escape pod
All along the space station,
Outside in the cold distance
- Mark Wentz
Attack of the Clones. What the hell! That's not a good name! Lucas has a long chasm to jump after Phantom Menace, and naming Episode II Attack of the Clones is like replacing the ramp with some Hot Wheels track. They all better be Darth Maul clones, or else there's some serious suckage about to begin. And just how menacing are these clones, if C3PO can survive just fine? This guy soils himself in the face of danger, lost a match to Salacious Crumb, and can't even bend his elbows. If a clone army can't take him out, they ought to take shooting lessons from Stormtroopers.
Of course, this name could just be a stunt. A few months before release, Lucas changes the name to Master Vader or Bride of Jar Jar, and all the bootleggers with Attack of the Clone t-shirts are out of luck. Let's pray for that.
Oh yeah, the fight. Marvin, I guess.
- Kilgore Trout
The winner is truly simple as pi: Marvin always loses. It's his nature. No matter what happens, he comes up short. Perhaps it's his gloomy outlook and lack of positive thinking, or maybe it's just cruel fate, but he can't win.
However, in this match that is, in a sense, an asset for him. Since Marvin is more depressed than a supermodel that gained a quarter of a pound he'd cheerfully let his golden adversary take the last pod leaving him to a horrible, but at least final, fate. But as stated above, Marvin can't win and for Marvin not winning means surviving.
So I had to vote for Marvin even though he's going to lose. The pod is going to drift aimlessly in space for billions of years until he's picked up a group of time travelers who accidentally reunite him with his former companions which in a sense makes them the losers as well.
- Joel Mathis
If Marvin's so smart, why the hell hasn't he figured out that he can end the misery and kill himself? It likely is because he's one of those losers who gets off on being miserable and actually enjoys his gloom. You remember them from high school, they wore all black and wrote poetry and they responded to everything with some cynical crack and thought they were so clever when in fact they were being jackasses. Everyone looked down on them, even the geeks (read: C- 3PO). The fact that Marvin resembles any one of these losers at all demonstrates that he is in fact worthless and needs to grow up. As much as I didn't want to do it, I cast my vote for C-3PO.
- Infraggable Krunk
3PO by a mile (sad to say) Marvin would want 3PO to win. Marvin would want to commit suicide and end his existence.
And Threepio is not Gay! He's British. Almost the same thing but not quite.
- Mike "Where's the both mangled and killed button?" Grote
[Oops. We clean forgot that possibility. We apologize for the inconvenience. - Eds.]
Okay, this is Marvin. Why? I could mention the fact that he can clearly outsmart C3P0, but I won't. I could mention the fact that he can outlive C3P0, but I won't. I could mention the fact that the law of averages says that, sooner or later, Star Wars fans are going to have to accept that there are other just as good (if not better) realms of sci-fi than that galaxy-a-long-time-ago, but I won't. The reason that Marvin will win is that as soon as websites like h2g2.com hear about this, they'll show up and vote for Marvin for all of the above reasons (and with a group of Guide researchers numbering over eighty thousand, each voting once an hour, Marvin can't help but win). Really, though, why'd ya swap banners with theforce.net and not h2g2.com, hmmm? Just thought that I'd ask. ;-)
I voted for Marlin or whatever his name is. Here's why.
These days, it's pretty common to knock "Star Trek" left and right. And, a certain amount of it is deserved, between too much time on the holodeck, and the whole convention scene. But, at least "Star Trek" has always tried to be a cut above. They've failed miserably on many occasions, but at least they aspire to good storytelling.
"Star Wars", on the other hand, aspires to nothing except selling action figures. Despite this, "Star Wars" remains freakishly popular, and apparently its fans haven't realized how ultimately demeaning it is to subscribe to the whole "Star Wars" franchise.
But the truth will out, and someday, the social order will be set right, and even Trekkies will be able to mock Warsies.
And on that day, I will be able to proudly say that I voted against C3PO.
- Lou the Inscrutable
[That day has come. Enjoy. - Eds.]
Sadly shaking my head, I was forced to vote for Marvin. Being a formerly secret member of the Jihad, even I couldn't vote for 3PO. Now having betrayed everything I stood for, I go off to kill myself.
- Darth Wasntinthemovie
The tough thing about this match is that about all the good reasons hy Marvin will win have already been summed up in the commentary. However, I will attempt to come up with more reasons.
Let us consider the creators of these characters. C3P0 was a creation of George Lucas. While George Lucas is a popular and successful filmmaker, he has become something of a corporate empire of his own. He founded ILM (Industrial Light & Magic), Skywalker Sound, and several other high-end special effects companies which he rules with something of an iron fist.
On the other hand, Marvin was the creation of the late Douglas Adams. Reading accounts of his life, it appears that Adams is more like a regular guy, perhaps even the kind who visits websites like this. In past Grudge Match history, regular guys tend to defeat corporate giants. So, on this level Marvin wins.
Another way of looking at this is to consider that the "Star Wars" universe is largely fantasy and has little connection to the universe that we know. But, the universe of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" while also fantasy, is a bit more. The more one examines that universe, one finds that some of the concepts aren't too far removed from actual physics. For instance, in the HHG universe, probability plays a major role in the universe - turns out that probability also plays a major role in quantum physics. Then there are the other concepts. For example, one of the main points in the HHG series is that there is an ultimate answer to the universe. In reality, physicists seek the same thing, but they call it "unified field theory", the "theory of everything", "super-unification" and a number of other names.
This should not be surprising. It turns out that Douglas Adams did spend some time at Cambridge University (theoretical physics capitol of the world) and some of the school's physics rubbed off on him. On the other hand, George Lucas got his education at the USC film school. In short, Marvin wins again by virtue of his creator's superior intellect.
So, Marvin will easily outwit the sissy-ish C3P0 and walk unopposed to the escape pod.
- The Demented Astronomer
I had to go with Marvin for one simple reason. He knew about the escape pod and C3PO didn't. What else might he know that C3PO doesn't? Little things like the access code for the escape pod. I mean what was the most complex thing C3PO ever figured out??? I mean R2D2 had to open the escape pod for him and I don't see him tricking Marvin into opening it for him. I know it isn't the most stunning response but its the simple truth.
- Spamboy (I'm pink therefore I'm Spam!)
I've thought that a 3PO-Marvin-R2D2 love triangle was inevitable, and said so quite sometime back, but I know gay love like Eminem knows Miss Manners, so I'll have to concentrate on the battle. As any war scholar knows, it is a true maxim that morale is to all other factors as four is to one. In other words, 20,000 troops who think they are walking cans of SmiteTM can defeat 80,000 troops who think they're going to lose. Now, C-3PO may not be a charter member of the Optimist's Club, I think we can agree that he enjoys a huge morale advantage over Marvin. In fact, I'd say that Marvin's morale could be quantified as a negative number, and "Morale is to all other factors as 4 is to -10" equals a big, bad smackdown by Goldenrod in my math book.
One last thing that Rambette pointed out: Since we know from The Empire Strikes Back that 3PO breaks up into modular parts for easy carrying and stowage, can't they share the escape pod?
- Mr. Silverback- Paranoia is just a well-developed sense of history.
As Marvin and Threepio ineffectually bat at each other a wormhole opens in the corridor and out steps... you'll never guess...
Gov. Gray Davis of California - so desperate to save his political career that he'll shatter time and space to get hold of a power source that'll keep "a brain the size of a planet" running for millions of years... (groan)
- 6 of 24 (you don't get it, do you)
Anyone who was forced to sit through hours of the "D.A.R.E" program in school (that would be if they were actually in school and not skipping to smoke pot or snorting coke DURING the class to cease their boredom) knows that one of the main side effects of marijuana is paranoia. This has led me to believe that "Marvin the Paranoid Android" is actually a drug addict. So, with Weed Power!!(tm) at his side, Marvin manages to fight off the robotic version of Woody Allen while seeing some "pretty groovy colours." Tragically, in the end they both die, since Marvin destroys himself in his attempts to blow up the little Christina Aguilera Monsters(tm) that are invading his escape pod. Boo-urns.
- Jessie "where was my dooby during that class?!?!" Calliopa
Han Solo returns (reluctantly), rescues the two robots (insert sweeping John Williams music here) but alas! the constant whining of Marvin causes Chewie to rip off his arms...oops..
- Nicky Lewer
Wow, they are so similar. Two annoying British robots stuck with human idiots, created by men regarded as minor gods. If it weren't for the genuine people personality clash they should have gotten along quite well. Pity. Let's see...leaving Lucas and the Force as well as Adams' ghost and the mystical power of 42 out of this, here is how it would play out...
in the Real World(Tm): Marvin taps 3P0 with a feather or like object and the golden guy falls apart. again.
In the Ideal Universe: They'd both get beamed up to the Voyager by some accident, thus improving the ever-banal Star Trek with their presence, and Hitchhiker's Guide and SW by their absence.
- Deep Thought
Basically, what this match comes down to is whether or not Marvin chooses to survive or not. My guess is yes. Some would say he would continue his existence only to pester others, but the reason is much simpler; Isaac Asimov's three laws of robotics: 1. A robot may not injure a human, or allow a human to be injured. 2. A robot must follow any order given by a human that doesn't conflict with the First Law. 3. A robot must protect itself unless that would conflict with the First or Second Laws. Number three's the clincher. Marvin can't avoid getting into the escape pod, because it would spell his own destruction, which is against his robotic nature, no matter how depressed he is. Think about it, throughout the entire "Hitchhiker's Guide" series, why didn't he just commit suicide if he was so depressed? Answer: he couldn't. So invariably, Marvin rides away in the escape pod, after defeating C-3PO in the most clever, sinister, way possible. Hey, you don't mess with a robot who has the brain the size of a planet.
I wanted to vote for Marvin, I really did. But that "Paranoid Android" handle attaches it to Radiohead, and since the horrible and quite overrated "Kid A," I can't bring myself to give my support to anything Radiohead-related. Screw you Thom Yorke!
- My name is Kenny
At first I thought that C3PO's cameo in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" served no purpose except to provide a laughably clumsy link to the original trilogy. But now I've stopped resenting that pointless little scene, because it gave me proof that C3PO will win this match.
Until I saw "TPM" I had assumed that C3PO was a common-model commercial translator, but I was misled. He's actually a homemade knockoff of one, built by the annoying little slave-boy Anakin Skywalker. Why, I asked myself, would a slave like Anakin build a translator robot? Couldn't he have found a more practical use for the parts, like an R2 unit - which could do his job for him? And if he didn't want a practical unit, wouldn't he want one that'd sell for enough to buy his freedom? (The Jawas sold 3PO for pocket change) It just didn't make sense that someone like Anakin would build a robot like Threepio.
I finally concluded that the only logical reason the little pest could have for taking the trouble was: To build a seemingly harmless robot, which was secretly programmed kick his master's ass and get him the hell off Tatooine!
Therefore, C3PO's true primary function has to be escaping bad scenes like this one, and the whiny, prissy mannerisms must be a protective front that keeps anyone from taking him or his abilities seriously. That horrible little boy programmed him to do *anything* to get out of this kind of trouble, and we've all seen it happen - C3PO can do anything from dodging crossfire with impossible skill to successfully impersonating a God. "Oh deah, frightfully sorry to have removed yoah limbs, Mahvin! Must go!"
- Noah Vail
Marvin has the physical advantage here, with at least twice as much droid-pounding power. C-3PO puts up a valiant wrist-slapping defense, but that darn carrot up the rear that's been messing with his walk since his creation prevents him from getting very far in this fight.
However, after Marvin reaches the pod first, he realises this is futile, and settles down to accept his fate, true to form. "Hurrah, I'll be able to see the proctologist droid after all," says 3PO. Too bad for him: Marvin has been chatting to the pod, which now sees his point of view, and refuses to let either droid in.
Far away, Luke asks his mentor: "What is it, Obi-Wan?"
- gus99 a ri escati!
What we have here is a battle of two different kinds of personality disorders. C-3PO a clear obsessive compulsive and Marvin, your classic Manic Depressive (although definitely more on the depressive side... but he does it in a manic sort of way). As we know, obsessive compulsives ignore all outside stimuli in order to concentrate on their one goal, while manic depressives suffer from wide mood swings which impede their ability to function. Our little gold plated protocol nut is going to be wasting his time running around trying to speak binary moisture evaporator tongue to the machines while Marvin willl slowly sulk toward the escape pod eventually making his escape. Remember C-3PO owes his life to the persistence of Jedi and little blue astromech droids while Marvin is quite often used to being left out on his own to fend for himself. Pundits might argue that Marvin has no incentive to go on. But they misread the complexity of Marvin's character. Marvin must go on until every being in the universe has heard him complain. And we need to take another thing into account, Marvin can't die... he's got more lives than a potted plant created by the Infinite Improbability Drive ("Oh no. Not again."). My vote goes to Marvin. R.I.P. Douglas Adams
- Matthew Roffman
You say some of the debris to be found is Cylon? This spells C-3PO's doom, because when Lucifer, that effeminately gay Cylon played by Dr. Smith, shows up, those two will get stuck in an infinite hissy-fit loop, allowing Marvin to occupy the escape pod, unchallenged.
- Mike Leung
Marvin wouldn't have mentioned the escape pod if he didn't know he would be the one escaping in it. All he has to do is get C3PO talking (not a hard task) about himself (which, coincidentally, seems to be his favorite subject), and C3PO will realize what awaits him if he does get off the station (besides "those crazy Rebels"...which, incidentally, sounds like a great title for some kind of wacky, off- beat new sitcom).
In a fight with a shrimpy muppet he got his eye gouged out. He got blasted by storm troopers, when, as a major character (yes, he IS a major character), he should have been immune to their shots, even when said shots occurred partially off-screen, where stormtroopers (supposedly) have better aim.
The only creatures who esteem him are the Ewoks. I don't know about you, but I'd take the admiration of a clearly very stupid mattress named Zem over all the adoration Ewoks could provide anyday.
I'll bet he commands as much respect among the rebels as Aquaman does among anyone who's not a fish. And you're suggesting that he wants to return to that?
Not to mention that even if he does get out and manages to avoid "those crazy Rebels" his wife Dot Matrix (the gold one from SpaceBalls, not the green one from ReBoot), will constantly nag him and suggest that his association with Han Solo has set a bad example, and is probably the reason that their idiot son Twiki is running around with Buck Rogers and Co.
Belgium! The poor kneebiter's better off trying to ingratiate himself to whoever's in command rather than leaving, and he knows it.
Marvin will escape (but of course it won't bring him any joy), and he'll leave C3PO weeping in solitude.
(I'm hoping to get a Rory for "The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word "Belgium" in a Serious Grudge Match Response". It's very prestigious.)
C-3PO definitely has the experience here; he's well versed in running for an escape pod (evading heavy fire along the way from stormtroopers showing actual accuracy, no less) and getting safely out of places covered in spare parts from other droids. He also has shown the ability to return from the dead in Empire Strikes Back, which has to be a bonus here. Heck, if you add in some of the experiences he's had in the non-movie Star Wars stuff, he's managed to survive so many deadly situations without carrying a blaster or lightsaber like all the other Star Wars characters that one has to wonder if the Ewoks might have actually been onto something with that God business. And considering you're dealing with Internet voters here, who judging by the most common sites appear to be porn fans, 3PO's got the added edge of being the only one who's ever been filmed in the nude (OK, I'm REALLY hoping this isn't actually a factor, but still...). Add in the fact Marvin will of course analyze all these factors in advance and in usual pessimistic fashion give up from the start, and it looks like 3PO in a (slow shuffling) walk to me.
- "Mad Dog" Mike
3PO walks like his legs are stuck together. They're RACING to an escape pod. If that's not self-explanatory, I don't know what is.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee...hates agreeing with Brendan, but must.
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC