A screech of rubber and a crash of metal shatters the calm in the parking lot of the local Mobility Plus outlet store. Three cars have converged on the last handicapped parking space, and their rattled drivers painstakingly exit their vehicles to berate one another.
"Watch where you're going!" growls Larry Flynt as he wheels after one of the drivers. "You must be dumber than one of my Hustler centerfold girls to drive that way!"
"My apologies, mein herr." Doctor Strangelove gives an ingratiating grin beneath his shades. "I vas just arriving to purchase the new model 2000-X they have on sale here. Nuclear powered, don't you know?" he adds with a disturbing chuckle. "So ve vill trade insurance information, ja?"
"Yeah--but I came here to buy that new wheelchair, and they've only got one in stock, so shove over and let me through."
"Sorry. That one's mine." The weird mechanical voice issues from the console on Stephen Hawking's chair as he wheels over. "And you Americans wouldn't cause so many accidents if you drove on the proper side of the road."
"I am not American! Sieg--" Strangelove arrests a stiff-armed salute just in time. "Anyvay, I will not be denied my nuclear vheelchair."
Flynt bristles. "And I won't let some fascist deny me my rights. I--hey, get him!" he shouts, as Hawking tries to motor past them both.
So, Shane, which disabled driver dominates this demolition derby?
Stephen Hawking vs. Dr. Strangelove vs. Larry Flynt
SHANE: Stephen Hawking will roll over the competition. Not only is he the smartest man on Earth, but he has versatility the others cannot match. Flynt and Strangelove are one-note wonders: Flynt in prurient exploitation; Strangelove in Armageddon for fun and profit. In contrast, Hawking has excelled as a theoretical physicist, college professor, record-breaking author, and host of a PBS series named after himself. Someone who can do so many things well will always find a way to win.
Even for violent mayhem, Hawking should be well-prepared. A scientific super-genius like him will already have his wheelchair fitted with an awesome array of offensive capabilities. (You know how rowdy a class full of college kids can get.) And I don't mean the machine guns, lasers, smoke screens, and bladed wheels that even a wizard like Q would provide for James Bond. I mean mind-blowing stuff at the cutting edge of scientific theory, that could transport Strangelove to the Andromeda Galaxy, or switch Flynt with his counterpart in a parallel universe, where he's a member of the Christian Coalition--for him, a fate worse than death.
And I'm not sold on the supposed skills of these competitors, either. Strangelove is far removed from his Cold War glory, at least until the next China crisis, and dropping an H-bomb on Hawking means he loses too, only one microsecond later. As for Flynt, wasn't he promising to break some huge scandal about W just before the election? And did he, in fact, produce squat? By ruining Bush the Younger, or by creating a sympathetic backlash that shot him to easy victory, Flynt could have saved us all the Florida horror. He failed. Thanks for nothing, Larry.
And considering the simmering obsession both Flynt and Strangelove have with sex, do they really want the radioactive power source of this wheelchair that close to their reproductive organs? Methinks that subconsciously they'll be content fighting for second place.
Hawking wears that big, goofy grin for a reason. He knows he's going to win.
BRENDAN: Dr. Strangelove is going to take this one in a walk. He combines the talents of his opponents, possessing both the brilliance of Hawking and the perversity of Flynt, and his lifetime of experience as both a Nazi and a Pentagon bureaucrat has undoubtedly taught him how to fight dirty. He's is in the best shape of the three (has to be to fight off his rebellious hand), has the most powerful allies (the entire military-industrial complex), and isn't bothered by archaic concepts like concern for human life.
And let's look at his opponents here. Hawking is way past his prime. The once formidable intellect that used to contemplate the vastness of the cosmos is now working on nothing more than how he can get a cameo appearance in the next Star Wars movie. As for Flynt, while he does have vast experience antagonizing fundamentalists and feminists, those are hardly the most challenging of opponents. The fundies haven't won a single fight since Darwin. They can't even get prayer back in the public schools when 75% of the country agrees with them. France could kick their asses. Now the feminists are a little scarier, but as various feminist papers obsessing about the phallic appearance of nuclear missiles have shown, they have hated Strangelove even longer than they have hated Flynt.
As final proof of the diabolical genius of Strangelove, remember that even in the face of the Doomsday device going off he still devised a plan to save all of humanity by taking a bunch of scientific geekanoids underground, each of whom would have to, entirely for purposes of repopulating the species of course, spend the next hundred years mating with ten beautiful women each. Ten babes per nerd -- think about that. Odds so overwhelmingly favorable that even a Grudge Match commentator could not help but get laid. The mind that could figure out a way to get some action for Paul Golba is not going to have any problem defeating Hawking and Flynt.
Title this one How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Double Homicide.
JOHN: For this match, I felt that a significant amount of research was in order. So I purchased some porn. Lots of porn. And, standing hip-deep in porn, from within the Thinkmaster General Fortress of Porn (soon to be available through our merchandising link), I was able to contemplate the question central to this match-up: Just who is it that's involved again?
Once Hotbranch had transmitted the combatants to me (message written, of course, on a piece of porn), I was able to use the presciently-procured porn as a paradigm. To wit, has Stephen Hawking or Dr. Strangelove ever been able to create something of as much beauty as a 1970s-era Hustler magazine? Uhh, no! Hawking's PBS series loses in the ratings consistently to the repeat performance of Yank my Doodle, Dandy! on Skinemax. In fact, the ratings are so stilted, odds are that even Hawking is watching the skin flick. Strangelove's predilection with the liebchens is already well documented. So, when Flynt piles out of his van with acres of porn actresses following him, are you telling me that the other two won't be motoring their scooters to meet the women while the smut merchant absconds with the futuristic wheelchair?
Besides, Flynt has been in prison on multiple occasions. If it actually did come down to a fight, Flynt would be able to make a shiv out of his entire chair and easily kill the others in down-and-dirty wheel-to-wheel combat. In fact, Flynt's record to date in altercations has been impressive. The former booze-runner defeated the US government in a battle so decisive that a movie featuring Courtney Love was made about it: The People vs. Larry Flynt. If Flynt can succeed in his versusing of the US government, the sequel: Two wheelchair-bound horny losers vs. Larry Flynt, won't fill five minutes of screen time before Flynt wins and retires to his mansion and hundreds and hundreds of magma-hot porn stars.
Ten babes per nerd, Brendan. I laugh at you.
First, Stevie Hawking is out of the running (or, rather, the wheeling). He appears to be a decent human being. Shane, you're expecting a decent human being to win against two unredeemed bastards? What lovely sweet cutesy-pie snow-globe world are you living in? Next you're going to tell me that Chamberlain ran roughshod over Hitler, or that Kerensky smoked Lenin. And if you need any other proof, note the dismal record of Hawking's namesakes in past Grudge competition: Steve Spielberg got pummeled by George Lucas, a man who cannot write, direct, or read above a fifth-grade level. Steve Urkel got beaten to a pulp by a height-challenged shrimpo. And we all know what happened to Steve (tm) in his matchup with Brian (tm). (NOTE TO GRUDGE STAFF: Avoid any future matches involving Stephen Sondheim, Stephen Leacock, or Stephen King.)
Once Hawking has met the inevitable fate of nice guys (consult Leo Durocher for the details), the battle boils down to Flynt vs. Strangelove. A fairly even matchup: Both are unscrupulous, unpleasant and something else starting with "un." Since both are pursuing the same goal, they will probably have equal degrees of RAGE (tm). So we need to look to another Grudge mainstay, the BABE Factor (tm).
Now, let me tell you something about the women in Larry Flynt's publications. Actually, I'll tell you whether you let me or not: They are ugly. But deep down, you knew that and didn't even need me to tell you. See, pretty women don't have to take a few bucks to do whatever disgusting, degrading and digitally-enhanced pose Larry wants them to do this week. Pretty women can get big bucks elsewhere for simply standing there and looking pretty, without holding onto gigantic codpieces and without inserting anything in any area. Go down to the local public library and peruse their exhaustively cross-indexed Hustler microfilm collection, and you will search in vain for any sign of anything that even looks like a pretty woman.
Where do the pretty women go, if they're not in Hustler? Simple: They're in Peter Sellers movies. A look at Mr. Sellers' filmography reveals that this chubby, unattractive, and mentally unstable radio voice actor somehow managed to appear in movies with the following women: Sophia Loren, Jean Seberg, Claudia Cardinale, Shirley Eaton, Elke Sommer, Goldie Hawn, Shirley MacLaine, Ursula Andress, Paula Prentiss. And that's only a partial list!
So on the one hand you've got Strangelove, whose alter-ego (Sellers) can call upon dozens of the hottest babes of the '50s and '60s, all in glorious Technicolor (tm). And on the other, you've got someone whose main squeeze could be convincingly impersonated by a haggish, aging groupie. When Flynt sees Strangelove's arsenal of feminine pulchritude (tm), he's going to implode from the frustration of a lifetime spent in the company of the terminally horse-faced. The BABE factor (tm) triumphs.
Besides, look at that heavy glove on Strangelove's outstretched hand. Doesn't it look heavy...almost metallic? And as I learned to my chagrin when I read the responses for the last match, there is no greater power than that of the Iron Fist (tm).
- Captain Corcoran - Damn, I wish I'd gotten a Goon Show reference in there somewhere. RIP, Harry Secombe.
In the spirit of the great minds in this match I am compelled to do extensive internet research on each of the combatants to determine the outcome. I will begin with Larry Flynt...
(4 days later)
- Roger Alicea
In the Stephen Hawking vs Dr. Strangelove vs Larry Flynt match, we see analogies to the traditional Grail Myth, a drama that typically includes a Grail (or Fisher) King to symbolize the individual's need for the divine, a Pagan champion to symbolize the individual's bodily needs, and the Grail Champion who is able to balance the needs of both to emerge from the conflict a whole individual, uncorrupted.
A most recent popular cinematic example of this mythical conflict was seen in The Matrix, with Morpheus, who fights the Matrix but can't win, because he is starving his crew of their sensory needs, Cypher, the pagan champion who betrays Morpheus's crew for the bodily pleasures of the Matrix, and Neo, who redeems Morpheus, as the Grail Champion/Christ figure redeems the Grail King/Adam figure. We also see this dynamic in Silence of the Lambs, with Hannibal Lecter as the emasculated Grail King (emphasized by the ending of this year's movie sequel, thank you Steven Zaillian), the various law-enforcement role-models in Starling's life, including her father and Jack Crawford, and Clarice Starling herself, who adapts to both worlds to hunt down the serial killer. The clearest example of the Grail myth in movies, as far as I know, happens to be Searching for Bobby Fischer, a movie so graceful as to refer to the Grail only indirectly, in the story's conflicts, in the movie's title, and also by emphasizing such things as Josh's fixation with the chess knight.
As the myth applies to the current grudge match, however, it's clear that each of its protagonists conforms to a conventional role in the grail drama. The hedonistic Larry Flynt fits easily into the conflict as its pagan champion. Stephen Hawking, then, is the match's grail king, because, let's face it, this guy is as hoity-toity as they make 'em. This leaves Dr. Strangelove to emerge victoriously as the match's grail champion. Why else would he be spared to repopulate the human species?
- Mike Leung
Without Stephen Hawking, we wouldn't be nearly as far as we are in the fields technology, science and knowledge, leaving us decades behind our status of understanding of the universe around us.
Without Larry Flynt, we wouldn't have as good a grasp on the true meanings of the First Amendment as we do now, and the ramifications on freedom of speech would be lost on modern society.
Without Dr. Strangelove, we wouldn't have the funniest movie of all time, thus leaving the world devoid of true comedy, thus rendering Grudge Match™ nonexistent.
I think I've made my case here.
- Charge Man
Steven Hawking is winning. HAWKING!! Dear Lord, who ARE you people. I feel so alone.
- Ole Miss Law
I voted for Stephen Hawking, but really, the fact that he cameo'd on Star Trek: The Next Generation (playing poker with Data, Newton, and Einstien) means he, too, must give way to the real champion--Dr. Charles Xavier--the man you forgot and who will win simply by altering the minds of the others in such a fashion that they do not care or do not want the new wheelchair.
Hawking, Hawking, Hawking. My reasons are as follows: I love the movie Dr. Strangelove, but the real Strangelove doesn't stand a chance. Why? He'd get disqualified before the match even started. Remember the end of the film? "Mein Fuehrer, I can walk!" While this may seem to give him an advantage, it will, in reality, disqualify him from this and all future grudge matches.
Flynt? Please. He doesn't stand a chance against Hawking's intellect. Hawking presses a button on his wheelchair, and Flynt is nuked into oblivion by an orbiting laser satellite that Hawking just now connected to.
Finally, Hawking appeared on "The Simpsons" so gains their Grudge Match winning power. Yes, he also appeared on "Star Trek", but hear me out. Hawking also appeared in "Futurama" from the makers of "The Simpsons." So that's two "Simpsons" related programs to one "Star Trek" related program. Plus, the one episode of "Trek" Hawking appeared in featured the Borg, who, as we all know, claimed "Star Trek" one of its few Grudge Match victories. In conclusion, Hawking's next book will be called A Brief History of me Kicking Butt.
- Jim M.
As I see it, we have sex, power and intellect at odds. One of these MUST win, so to get some insight into this match, I cornered a behavioral scientist friend of mine and forced him to answer some questions:
"If you had your choice between sex and power, which would it be?"
"Well, that depends..."
(I wave an open magazine)
"Really, on what?"
(centerfold falls open)
"Well, on a lot of skin... I mean things. How much power.. and uh"
(I start to close the magazine)
"Sex, OK, I'D CHOOSE SEX!"
(as he drools over the pictures)
"Huh, yeah, whatever..."
So, there you are. The male human is driven towards sex. It overrides all other functions. No man knows more about sex, arguably, than Mr. Flynt. Case closed.
Stephen Hawking will win. He's disabled due to the fact that he uses /more/ than 10% of his brain. But since he's super-assed smart, his cognitive functions go down the crapper. He probably uses 60% of his brain on an off day. So what happens when they meet up.
Larry Flint: Why I- *gasp* *choke* *sputter*
- Initial D
We all know that Grudgematch combatants can be judged by any alternate identities or previous appearences they have had. Flynt has only one alternate identity. In the movie, "Flynt" (played by Woody Harrelson) was sentenced to jail by a judge played by the real Flynt! Obviously, Flynt is full of self-loathing if he sends himself to prison, and cannot win.
That leaves just Strangelove and Hawking. In the movie, Strangelove also appeared (through Peter Sellers) as a snooty British officer and as President of the United States. That's something.
But Hawking -- well, in all his appearences Hawking has true power. On the Simpsons, we learned that his chair can fly. On the Dilbert show, we learned that he can form holes in the space-time continuum. Can Strangelove beat that? And to top it off, when Hawking guest- starred on Star Trek: TNG, he...
Wait a minute. Everybody say it with me: STAR TREK MUST LOSE! Hawking has defeated himself with the one immutable law of Grudgematch Physics (TM). A Strangelove victory by default.
- le schmuck
Stephen Hawking, gangsta rapper.
You best step, punk. Word.
- Spoo Monkey -- "Mein Fuhrer, I just got capped in a drive-by!"
After some of the matches you've been sponsoring, I was starting to wonder if the Grudge had not fallen from its once grand ideals. But lo, today I am greeted by a match setup that is just wrong, wrong, and wrong. It's good to see the Grudge hasn't yet lost it's touch.
- Reverend Loki
Dr. Strangelove will take the new wheelchair, though not without some trouble. His right hand seems to be a liability, attacking him all the time, but right now, it's a Blessing In Disguise (tm).
While Larry Flynt charms Professor Hawking with his... ahem... lady friends, Herr Doktor Merkwuerdigenliebe already knows (to his eternal chagrin) that any woman who gets near him will get a right uppercut to the jaw. His dating past is a history of assault charges, hushed up by the staff of the War Room. But the fact remains: with women, Dr. Strangelove strikes out, and he's mostly reconciled himself to the fact. His hand is a sign of his remaining, not-very-latent frustration, as Peter Sellers lookalike character #15, Dr. Phil Meyup, could tell us.
Realising that his only chance to score is with the aforementioned Ten Babes Per Nerd In An Underground Lair (please tell me that it'll get a tm soon), he'll brave hell and high water to get his spiffy wheelchair. Underground, he'll have the coolest wheels around, especially considering the competition: US generals with mid-life crises whose gigantic automobiles had to be left on the surface with their radios playing Vera Lynn reruns.
All together now, Miss Americas: "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when..."
- The Nestbeschmutzer
As the race begins, Strangelove and Larry Flynt will relize that they actually have something in common, and will join forces. Ya see, both of them are degenerates, Flynt publishes Hustler, which is of slightly higher quality then Swank(which is like saying The Italian army is slightly better then the French army), and Strangelove is German.....nuff said. So the race begins, Strangelove shouts out something like "to vin, vee must habandon zee traditional judeo- christian mating habitz"(as he is prone to do). Flynt agrees with this policy, and they resolve to beat Hawking. Flynt goes back to his dukes of hazzard like roots and runs Hawking off the road. Then Strangelove screams "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk", and stands up and kicks Hawking a lot. To celebrate the new unholy alliance, They split several bottles of Moonshine and Shnapps. Then when Flynt's guard is down, Strangelove backstabs him(as germans tend to do when they are in unholy alliances) and goes on to win. Then again, this might be a moot point if Hawking can get the help of his Futurama homies, Al Gore's Action Rangers............
"I'm a 10th level vice-president."
- Amish Commando
The entire fight in this week's grudge match comes down to one factor: Sick humor.
While Stephen Hawking's appearance in one episode each of The Simpsons and Star Trek qualifies under the "humor" part, neither episode was very sick. And the "Star Trek Must Lose"™ factor dictates that the best that Dr. Hawking can hope for is to be swallowed up in a cloud of Treknobabble Particles Of the Week™.
Larry Flynt's a strong contender in the field of sick humor, since neither Dr. Hawking nor Dr. Strangelove ever published a picture of a woman being fed into a sausage grinder, but Flynt's funniest days are behind him. He was funniest in the 70s, and now he's mainly just going through the forearm motions.
Dr. Strangelove, however, is every bit as funny today as he was when the movie first came out. And if they ever release a cut of the movie that includes the War Room Food Fight™ that Stanley Kubrick cut from the original theatrical release, the sheer sick humor of the Russian Ambassador getting hit in the face with a pie at about the same time that Slim Pickens spends his 8 seconds riding the H-Bomb into its target will catapult him even further into the sick humor hall of fame.
It's the Nazi scientist in a lock, which he'll probably use to keep his right hand from popping up into that salute as he drives away in the wheelchair that serves as the prize this time 'round.
- Bowie Hawkins
I judged this match on the long-honored and nigh-infallible (over 99.3% accurate!) Black Humor Meter™ (patent pending). Observe, if you will-
DR. STRANGELOVE: While a Nazi with a name like that is always funny, the fact that he is not actually a cripple severely reduces his score. SCORE: 6.7 (w/ Kubrick factor)
LARRY FLYNT: Now here's a better indicator of black humor. This fat, wheelchair-ridden oaf is the manager of a successful porn magazine. Nothing further is needed to be said. SCORE: 8.0
PROF. STEPHAN HAWKING: Here we go. No, you freaks, I'm not gonna make fun of his illness. Well, sort of. Sit back, my friends, and I shall tell you a short tale. Our fine professor, in his crippled state, procured himself a wife. The funny part? After years of marriage and several children later, he left her for his nurse. SCORE: (My God!! The Meter™'s going crazy! I'm losing control! Scotty, do something! Ah kinna change the laws o' irony, Cap'n! Ah'm givin' her all she's got!)
- Tracer Malone
Larry Flynt and Dr. Strange Love?
I prefer not even thinking about this match, thank you.
Larry Flynt would win for 2 very simple reason A) he knows how to stand up to feminists. One of my highschool teachers was a rabid feminist and nearly castrated me when, after she insulted me, I retorted "what do u know, your just a woman!" Anyone who can deal with those types and the Christian Coalition has got to have iron balls. B) Flynt has the use of both his arms. Hawking has the use of a finger and Strangelove has an arm in open rebellion to him. While Hawking is trying bring up his offensive menu capabilities with his computer, Flynt will wheel around behind him and pull out the cords thus neutralizing him. As for Strangelove, Flynt will simply promise the rebellious hand a spot in one of his porn flicks. In fact, maybe Flynt will arrange a meeting between Thing from the "Addams Family" and Doctor Strangelove's atypical appendage.
What a bunch of lying voters. Despite the fact that Larry Flynt appears destined for third place in this match-up, everyone knows he should damn well be the winner. Here's a simple exercise to show what a bunch of hypocrites we have here. On your browser go to your Favorites/Bookmarks and answer the following question. "I would be most upset if I accidently lost my: a) Two links to somewhat science- related web sites, b) One link to B-movies that never made it on MST3K, or c) 40+ links to free TGP of Asian porn." Or how about this one? I was happy when Britney Spears/Danica McKeller (Winnie from the Wonder Years)/Jennifer Love Hewitt turned 18 because: a) now we could intelligently discuss Black Holes, b) I was interested in their views of Cold War politics, or c) Larry Flynt contacted them for tasteful modeling pics in a magazine called "Barely Legal." All of you voters for 'a' and 'b' above are the same sort that deny looking forward to "My Teen Daughter Dresses Like A Tramp" on Montel Williams, or ever having watched 2 hours of a scrambled porn channel in the hopes of seeing 5 seconds of a clear breast. Liars.
This match comes down to the fatal weaknesses of the competitors.
Dr. Strangelove's weakness is that he is an ex-Nazi. The Nazi's did well at the start of the war, but they were eventually flattened by the White Boot of Global Justice(tm). In this case, the boot took the form of an alliance of convenience between the Allies (US & UK) and our cheerful, vodka drinking and gulag loving associates, the Soviets, led by a giant cult poster of Stalin. Strangelove jumps out to the early lead before Hawking and Flynt team up in an unholy alliance to bring him down.
So now its just down to Flynt vs. Hawking, two competitors which are near total opposites. Hawking is respected worldwide, Flynt is not. Hawking writes books, Flynt publishes a magazine. Flynt was played by Woody Harrelson in the movie, Hawking played himself on "Star Trek: The Next Generation". This is Hawking's crucial weakness: when was the last time that anything associated with Star Trek won a Grudge Match? Flynt manages to beat the great brain down, winning both the spot and the wheelchair.
- Michael Lyle
Hawking must win. Why? Several reasons. For one, he's the only guy out of the three who's a real person. The other two are fictional villains in fictional TV shows. What? Larry Flynt's real? ...Ha. SURE he is. Right, like I believe THAT. Pshh.
Anyway, Hawking's greatest asset is his wheelchair. The wheelchair is difficult to lose, so he's not likely to be deprived of it. That wheelchair probably carries more useful equipment than the Batcave, Batmobile, and Batman's belt combined(undoubtedly due to some strange spatial topography field around the chair.) Steve could whip out whatever handy-dandy device is necessary for the situation and dispatch the enemies so quickly that they're actually dead before they arrived at the Mobility Plus store. Or he might go for the peaceful way out and just fly right over them, as he was shown able to do in one "Simpsons" episode.
Aside from the chair, it seems reasonable to assume that all the radiation from those particle accelerators have given him super powers. I mean, if Gamma radiation can do it for Bruce Banner, and Spider radiation can do it for Spiderman, then as any fool can plainly see Stephen Hawking must have SOME sort of radioactive powers. I wouldn't be surprised if he dons a specially designed suit every night to fight crime on the Cambridge campus and the surrounding countryside.
He may not need any of those, though. It wouldn't be surprising if he's found some way to destabilize an atom's gluons. All he'll really have to do is use his superior knowledge of cutting-edge physics to manipulate those gluons into taking a vacation and his opponents will disintegrate.
Disclaimer: I have not read "A Brief History of Time."
I have never seen "Dr Strangelove."
I have never bought a copy of "Hustler."
While at first sight these might seem to be crippling disadvantages (TM) towards having any insights into this matchup, I know little about all of them, therefore it will be fair. I will be able to use near pure logic, unencumbered by facts and definitely not finding a flimsy rationalization for my own subjective prejudices.
Larry Flynt: Famous for Porn and getting shot. Like porn is a difficult thing to sell, no one wants that. Less famous than Hugh Hefner, who didn't get shot.
Dr Strangelove: Nazi scientist. I presume a conversation in the shattered remenents of the thousand year Reich that went something like this. Yank Officer: "Dr Strangelove, if you come and work for us and tell us all your secrets, we will drop those inconvenient war crime charges." Strangelove: "Seig Heil President Truman."
Strangelove is in such company as Wernher von Braun and "Goatfucker" Gehlen. While Wernher von Braun is pretty cool(hah the Germans put your men on the moon). "Goatfucker" Gehlen is chiefly famous for falling for every deception plan the Russians put his way when heading up Eastern Front intelligence and President Truman not caring if he fucked goats. This is not totally illustrious.
Hawking: A great genius of physics. He wrote a popular science book, that was very popular and no one understood. Compared to selling porn and military technology, this is marketing genius of a high order. His biggest problem would seem to be his association with ST:TNG, and consequent violation of the "Star Trek must lose" rule.
1) Isn't it only a hologram image of him that turns up, and not
the real thing?
Hawking I'm sure can come up with a proof that he can win without violating the "Star Trek must lose" clause and he is LUCASIAN Professor, an equivalent Star Wars reference. It cancels out anyway.
Who do these people resemble:
Strangelove: Nazis always lose. Even if they look like they are ahead, they lose. Whether its storming Stalingrad or opening the Ark, when they look like they are ahead they screw it up.
Larry Flynt: Having seen bits of the movie, Larry Flynt does not look like Woody Harrelson, in fact his general lardarseness and prediliction for surrounding himself with scantily clad women he can only be: Jabba the Hut.
Hawking: The technical genius, the electronic voice, the wheelchair. He is obviously none other than: Davros creator of the DALEKS, the most fearsome evil aliens and really P.O'd that Dr Who was cancelled and that lame shows who think aliens should just be men in make up are grabbing all the glory. (Real aliens are men in rubber suits or tin cans.)
Hawking gets the wheelchair and the babes because the Brits rule.
Ah, an easy victory for Dr. strangelove. With three roles in the same movie, his alter-egos will soon incapacitate the other combatants.
Waaaait a minute...Stephen Hawking has gotten no less than four cameos on TV series, including the Nigh-Omnipotent (At least here) Simpsons™. He'll be able to quickly speed inside while the rest of his animated and holographic doubles destroy the competition.
Oh, I forgot. Larry Flynt's a porn king. Millions of loyal Hustler readers will come and try to secure Larry's victory so he'll do the promised Brittany/Christina Summer Swimsuit Special™ (you know how much teenage boys love bikinis).
So, while the masses are fighting fast and furious, Cutter John sneaks in behind them and gets the wheelchair as an upgrade form the old Enterpoop™.
Hey, it was that, or give it to Professor X, and no one wants a Frenchie to win.
Despite the miracles ascribed to the other two contestants (Strangelove being healed, 'Mein Fuhrer, I CAN WALK' - and Flynt surviving BOTH an assassination attempt AND a biopic starring Woody Harrelson), Hawking has one thing over them. Despite being quadraplegic and mute, he has both a wife and a KID! It's amazing how creative you can be when the drive is strong enough! Flynt has the RAGE, but Hawking has the WILL!
Hawkings has it in the bag, for a simple reason.
About 5 months ago, my school got a new network put in. After a little searching, we found a neat little program from Microsoft, the name of which I can't recall, that let you input words, and they would be said back to you in a robotic voice. This voice was remarkably like Hawking. You should have heard it say "I have been wondering about the mysteries of Mr T since I was a child"...
Hawkings - Program for Microsoft - Bill Gates - Evil.
Do I need to draw you a diagram?
Using one of the standard grudge match cliches (cliche #27b: The Simpsons) gives us the following:
In the episode where Lisa joins Mensa, Homer says: "Larry Flynt is right!" He says this while referring to Stephen Hawking, so obviously they are the same person. One of them must have travelled through time for them to both be in the same place.
As anyone who has seen the movie TimeCop (shudder) can tell you, when a person comes into contact with him/herself while time travelling, a paradox is created and both of them are destroyed. Since a three-way brawl must involve contact between Flynt and Hawking, both are destroyed in a cheesy, drawn out special effects sequence, and the good Doctor runs (rolls) off with the prize.
- Blasphemy Bob
Jeff, while leaving the Grudge match office for the last time, accidentally hits the "All Mangled and Killed" button which triggers an explosion of the nuclear wheelchair, killing all three competitors and making Cincinnati unlivable for the next 1000 years.
- Richard Baker
(I thought the Cincinnati Bengals had already accomplished the last one. -- Shane)
Stephen Hawking has this one in the bag, without a doubt. You wanna know why? It's because he's not only the most brilliant scientific mind of our generation, he's also one of the illest gangsta rappers ever. You can learn the history of MC Hawking's dope-ass hiphop career at this site if you want more information. I mean, where's the competition? Once the Hawkman starts dropping the lyrical bombs on those two other wannabe posers, the competition will start steppin' back, cuz let's face it, everyone recognizes that MC Hawking is the shiznit.
- Infraggable Krunk
Who will win ? Does the Pope shit in the woods ?
Dr. Strangelove all the way.
First Strangelove wears sunglasses and leather gloves a clear sign of the badass he is. Second he is German. What are the Germans famous for ? Making great cars, making great beer and starting wars. So we can take ruthless efficiency for granted, no moral inhibitions or conscience will get in his way. He is a prime example of the mad scientist (this is proved by his haircut). These can only be defeated by superheros or their own devious machinations and neither Hawking nor Flynt is a superhero.
To better evaluate the capabilities of the opponents let me draw some comparisons.
Hawking: A nerdy fellow that appears in Star Trek. That makes him the equivalent of Wesley Crusher. And we all know the impressive performance of anything Star Trek in Grudge Matches(TM).
Flynt: If you look closely at the facial expression of Flynt who are we reminded of ? That's right, Jabba the Hut ! A fat slob that can be strangled by a bikini girl.
Strangelove: A man with a hand that has a mind of it's own. That makes him the equivalent of Ash.
Wesley vs. Jabba vs. Ash. It's so obvious even George W. would see it.
Strangelove will use his freak hand to crush Hawking's neck faster than he can type blueberry pie into his voice computer. Then he will navigate his wheelchair behind Flynt's and strangle him with his watchchain. Now path is clear for Stranglove's world domination plan.
Please keep me updated about Strangelove's Pamela Anderson cloning experiments.
Hmmmm.... The fellows at grudge match have once again presented me with a very perplexing match. Since it is not obvious to me who will win, I must analyze all quantifiable factors (or just whatever ones I feel like talking about).
1.RAGE!!: Not an issue. While all three combatants are crippled, two are some of the smartest individuals on the planet and the other is a major figure in the porno industry, 'nuff said.
2. ummm... I've kinda run out of ideas so i'll just decide based on their names. OK hmmm....let's see. Oh screw it, the guy in the wheelchair wins.
I think I should be feeling outrage over your blatant exploitation of the handicaped in this match, but all I really feel is a partial indifference. So I decided that the best way to decide my vote was by coin flip. Amazingly, Larry Flynt came out the overwhelming winner. I don't know what the hell that means, but I personally found it really amusing, and judging by the current score, I'd say that Larry really needed the vote.
- They Might Be Matt
Stephen Hawking versus Larry Flynt versus Dr. Strangelove over a wheelchair.
How deep the barrel's bottom...
No offense, Steve, Brian...but, where's the "I'm not justifying this match with an answer" button?
To keep things in proper perspective, anyone interested in the true Bottom of the Barrel, go here. -- Eds.
I'm normally a huge fan of your website, but quite frankly, this time you have simply stepped beyond the bounds of good taste, and I refuse to participate in a match as offensive as this.
* * *
Um, Flynt has it without a doubt. I mean, what good have any of the other opponents done the world? Strangelove is obsessed with blowing it up. Gee, thanks, Doc. And Hawking? What has he ever contributed to humanity? Advanced the world's knowledge of astrophysics? Formulated brilliant scientific theories? Inspired legions of people with disabilities? Pfff. That's nothing compared to what Larry Flynt has given us: Skanky nude women. I cast my vote for Mr. Flynt to mow them down.
- My name is Kenny
Hawking will win for a lot of reasons, but it helps that he's up against two losers. Strangelove might have been pretty powerful back in the early 60's, but by now he's got to be over 90 years old at least, and Strategic Air Command is no longer around to take his calls. Putting Flynt in this match was a total waste of our precious HTML resources. Frankly, he has all the class, brains and combat ability of dog stool floating in a crystal punchbowl. Meanwhile, Hawking has the brains and the brawn. Hawking's chair is more manueverable than Flynt's (which is to say, it's more manuverable than a one-legged elephant) but with all that extra equipment it's heavier than Strangelove's and packs more punch for the demolition derby this match is likely to degenerate into. More importantly, Hawking will easily outwit his opponents with a stratospheric IQ that makes William F. Buckley look like Gomer Pyle. Speaking of Gomer by the way, remember when Oliver Wendell Jones from Bloom County compared Stephen Hawking to Gomer and got a nuclear bomb in the mail for his insolence? Don't let the grinning facade fool you, Hawking can be nasty when riled.
When all is said and done, the rich Corinthian leather seat of the 2000-X will be cradling Stephen Hawking's caboose as he glides away with a computer-synthesized chuckle, leaving the local fire department to untangle the other two chairs and use the jaws of life on Strangelove's rebel hand.
- Mr. Silverback thinks "Stephen Hawking's caboose" is a great name for a band.
Well, this match has got to have the absolute lowest level of good taste since Lector vs. Dahmer. Having made the obligatory complaint, I say FDR takes em all down.
So what if Larry Flynt is publisher of a raunchy, one-hand magazine? Strangelove's got a room at the bottom of a mineshaft where women outnumber men 10-to-1 !!! And his arm isn't the only thing that goes up automatically, if ya know what I mean. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and with Strangelove's finger on the button (heh-heh, heh-heh), he'll easily swing every woman nearby into his side. In a few days, every Hustler model in the vicinity will be singing German drinking songs and goose-stepping across the biergarden. So much for Larry "Paralyzed Pecker" Flynt.
Stephen Hawking, though, is another matter. He's got the physics credentials to be a serious threat. On the other hand, if it's one person that's harder to understand than Flynt, it's Hawking. He may have unraveled the mysteries of the universe, but when last seen, he was discussing his theory of a donut-shaped universe with Homer Simpson, and Homer's a liability on anyone's side. While Hawking was learning the inner workings of the atom, Strangelove was actually blowing things up with them. Score one for Herman the German. Let's have a rousing chorus of "Lili Marlene" for ol' Doc Strangelove and his thigh-spreading gang of Nazi Biker Babes!
I have to rule Mr. Hawking out right away for one simple reason... I can't imagine that he would actually want this chair. It seems to me that he would have thought about much greater things, and would be on the verge of inventing the antimatter powered chair capable of warp drive, at which point the nuclear chair becomes obsolete.
With Hawking out of the picture mainly because he doesn't want it bad enough, I have to go with Dr. Strangelove. He ought to know more about nuclear science than Flynt would, and he would be sure to use the chair as it was intended... as a nuclear weapon designed to help him take over the world. Flynt would just use it to chase around scantily clad women all day. He can do that in a normal chair, and nobody would notice the difference.
Stephen Hawking: Real Person. British.
Larry Flynt: Real Person, Fictionalised by Hollywood. American, played by an American actor.
Dr Strangelove: Fictional Character. German, played by a British actor.
Germans: Got the crap kicked out of them in two world wars (and one
world cup). Seriously efficient. Hella hard bastards, but they tend
to lose anyway.
Americans: Own a quarter of the world. World's biggest national debt. Only First-World country whose population would not accept slightly reduced economic growth in exchange for a much cleaner, healthier environment. Own more Sweatshops than any other nation in the world. Like to think they beat the British in a war (you won independence due to the presence of a very large army of - wait for it - Frenchmen, and 1812 was a draw - Washington was ashes, for crying out loud, and America's war aims were utterly foiled). Regarded by the French, the British, and the various armed factions in Bosnia as the crappiest soldiers in the world because of their overreliance on technology and abject cowardice in the face of the possibility of casualties, but actually reasonably hard if they can be persuaded to get in and FIGHT.
Basically, though I voted for Stephen Hawking (the man has his eyes and his ears, and that is it. Respect to those who triumph in the face of adversity), I think Larry Flynt, as the only American present, will win through total lack of ethics.
Oh yeah, and Woody Harrelson? Hillbilly. The man MUST be inbred.
Well, Flynt is a pretty good tactician. Fundamentalists and Feminists are great enemies to have because they both hate each other more than they hate Flynt. Flynt will use a similar strategy by sitting back and looking for a chance to sneak past while the others fight.
But... as In Living Color taught us, "Never underestimate the power of the handicapped." Flynt, Strangeglove and Hawking all draw from the power of Disabilities(tm). People who can do that get more powerful the more disabled they get. Slade Wilson, Nick Fury, Snake Pliskin, and Number Two are all blind in one eye, but have great depth perception. Long John Silver was a badass, and he was missing a leg. Who had the best eyesight on Star Trek: TNG? The blind guy, Geordi LaForge. Ronald Reagan has Alzheimer's and he ruled the U.S. for eight years. Dick Cheney has heart trouble and he's the vice-prez now. The list just goes on and on.
Strangeglove may have trouble with his hand, but Hawking can't move his head unaided! He can barely move his eyes! Clearly, his superior malady will allow him to easily best Strangeglove AND Flynt, no matter what they try.
And if that isn't enough, has anyone noticed that Steve is missing? Where is he?? I'll tell you. He's been on Grudge-Match himself. He knows what it's like to be a Steve on Grudge-Match, and Steveness can transcend God and Country. Obviously, he's snuck off to render assistance to Mr. Hawking because of their common bond.
- Beyond the Green Door
I cannot believe that Hawking is leading in the votes as I write this message. Dr. Strangelove is the only man with a hope to win this. The argument in favor of Hawking seems to be that since he is the smartest man in the universe (according to no less a source than Simpsons) he will have some kind of techno-space-ray that will send Strangelove to another dimension or galaxy or other realm from which there can be no return. That is complete Bullshit!! This is a man who has so weak that over the years the weight of his head has malformed his teeth. (your picture is from rosier days in his life to say the least) Hawking spends all of his time trying to find ways to compensate for the fact that he can only move his eyes, there is no way that he can contend with Strangelove's out of control flailing right arm of death. As far as Larry Flynt is concerned, all of the battles mentioned above were of the legal and not physical variety. Larry is also a fat piece of shit compared to the toned teutonic titan that is Strangelove. If this were a drinking or eating contest Larry would win it hands down, but alas this is a no holds barred fight to the wheelchair. Strangelove knows that to try to beat up Flynt would be akin to punching King Hippo of Mike Tyson's Punchout in the stomach. So we have a race to the chair between two wheelchair bound men, but then suddenly a cry of exultation rings out "Mein Führer, I can valk!!" Strangelove goose-steps into the store and buys the wheelchair he so richly deserves.
All is going well for Stephen Hawking: he managed to build a makeshift neural ambiance sub-particle ray and kill both Larry Flynt and dr. Strangelove, in an ironic, yet gruesome battle to the death, of which its very details are too horrific and utterly repulsive to retell. He triumphantly wheels about the parking lot until he notices a faint image in the sky...
Is it a bird?
Although not technically "flying through the air" (TM), he certainly is being pushed by an Ewok (TM) (as a result of another bizzare and pointedly unrelated turn of events).
Stephen Hawking, feeling a little cocky after his relatively easy, although bloody, victory turns to shoot poor Christopher Reeves and his helpless Ewok (TM) friend. The Ewok (TM) disitnrtigrates into a pool of fuzz, though Chrisopher Reeve remains unharmed.
Stephen Hawking yells out in shock "This can't be!" (Well, he doesn't really yell it out at all, but sort of mumbles it out the best he can, and Christopher Reeve gets the general idea.)
Christopher Reeve sort of pulls rips off his shirt to reveal his Superman costume, but it takes a while because he has a hard time grabbing his shirt with his teeth. Anyway, he yells off a loud, manly yelp (TM) and from the four corners of the globe arrive the Superfriends (TM)! A little worse for the wear, seeing as how they just got the snot beaten out of them by the X-men (TM), and then by a large pack of chihuahuas roughly the weight of a Rottweiler. In fact, the whole team of Superfriends (TM) merely pass out right in front of the door of local Mobility Plus.
Neither Christopher Reeve nor Stephen Hawking can make it over the pile of bodies, and thus the match ends in a draw.
Hmmm... demolition derby (or the wheelchair equivalent) is a game of colliding objects... in other words physics... and who could be better at that than Dr. Hawking?
On the other hand, if it is in fact a game of "colliding bodies" then shouldn't Mr. Flynt be acknowledged as the resident expert?
Dr. Strangelove, on the other hand, is the only one with any experience in battle (since although Flynt did see combat it was purely on the receiving end...)
So where does that leave us? Heck, I don't know, I will get back to you after I finish reading this month's issue of Mr. Flynt's publication, which I have conveniently tucked inside a copy of "A Brief History of Time" so as to keep the coworkers from suspecting...
As a nerd, and a highly intelligent one at that, voting in this match boils down to this
- Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground
As a physicist, I have to back Hawking on this one, but for more than just intellectual comraderie. All he'd have to do is grab his bionic suit, courtesy of The Onion (tm), and he wouldn't even need a can of whoop-ass. Flynt and Strangelove have releases for their "manly urges." Hawking's member hasn't worked since 1984 or something.
If that ain't enough for Rage (tm) then how about this. S. H. is pissed his artificial voice has an American accent. The dude gets the Rage (tm) because he doesn't speak like a limey! Final say: Hawking in 6.
Alas for Drs. Hawking and Strangelove! This match is a three-way, and as anyone reading might deduce, Mr. Flynt must surely have more experience with three-ways than either of his esteemed opponents.
- Darth Hamster
The obvious winner of this match is... ME! According my colleagues here, it looks like I am going to get the girl. Woohoo!
But I guess one of these men must prevail, if only to provide me with this female companionship. Considering the importance of this task, I must choose wisely. Hmm.
Dr. Hawking: Hawking has a horrible disease that doesn't allow him to walk or talk without aid. Yet, Stephen was married for 30 years! While I certainly don't have his intellect, if he can get married with all his disabilities, then just being around him should get me a good woman. Then again, according to his ex-wife's book, their marriage was miserable, she cheated on him and then he left her for his younger nurse. I'm guessing love is not an exact science. This explains why he focuses on the theoretical considering his implementation of "Grand Unification" stinks. Anyway, he got married before needing the WOPR surplus voice box and now he would probably hook me up with a robotic woman. Not only is Rosie (the Jetson's maid) not my dreamgirl, if she's not an electrocution hazard, I don't know what is.
Dr. Strangelove: Ten babes. It sounds great until you get to the "repopulate the world" part. I like children but ten wives at ten to twelve kids a pop is a little much. Consider the diaper changes and early morning feedings. Consider chasing around 30 rugrats. And just wait until they become teenagers and they all want their own radiation suit on my salary! That doesn't even include the nagging chores my women want done. When exactly do I get a chance to sleep? Are you trying to kill me? Throw in fascism, a nuclear holocaust, living in a cave and no football and I think I'll pass. Heck, with no football I don't think his plan could attract any men anyway.
Larry Flynt: True, Larry could provide me with a large quantity of porn stars. But who wants porn stars? Why would I want fake-boob semi- ugly dingbats that have the same bored facial expression while making love as they do while doing their taxes? And while I want my love to last forever, I don't need to take VD medication for the rest of my life to be reminded. And would you want a woman that probably had sex with Larry? Yuck! Add in the danger of my head being crushed by four gigantic breasts (also known as an "Implant Implosion") and Larry can keep his scanky sluts.
In a no-lose situation, I manage to still lose. Hey, Thinkmaster, stop hogging the Hustler.
- Paul G.
Where's the All-fall-down-and-can't-get-up Button?
- Darth Jared formerly known as Blue Viper 5
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© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC