World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
As the Mr. T/Mr. Clean battle is in
full force, the patrons in the bar
gather around to watch. All but two of them, of course; two patrons
sitting next to each other in a far corner of this seedy, dank,
smoke-filled bar. The ones who can't see what's going on. You'd suspect
that they might hear the commotion as well, but their own trash talk is so
loud that it drowns out the sounds of the fist fight. You see, ever since
the making of "We Are The World" a tremendous rift has existed between
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. That evil, conniving ex-Commodore Lionel
Richie, jealous that although he was commerically more successful than both
(at the time) he couldn't hold either of their jocks artistically, told
Stevie that Ray was heavily featured in the USA for Africa video while
Stevie himself was snubbed. Richie then told Ray the opposite. Since
neither of them could verify this, they believed him and a wedge was driven
between the two artists. In the past 10 years of separation the hatred has
grown even stronger, until this night when fate has brought them together.
Finally Ray, in an extra-angry mood just because he's old, stands and says
"I'll beat your sorry Motown butt in anything! Right now!!" Stevie
stands up and shouts, "You're on old-timer. Name the game!!" At which
Ray yells, "No, you pick" "No, you pick." "No, you pick."...(ad
nauseum). After about 5 minutes, a voice comes from the corner, "How
about darts?" Both men turn and look: it's Helen Keller!! The two men
accept the challenge: first one with three bullseyes. Helen agrees to
serve as the referee; her decisions are final. Who do you like, Steve,
in this parlor game face-off?
STEVE: Stepping aside from my usual method of picking the winner
(i.e. straightforward analysis), I am going to have to choose based on gut
feeling and instinct. As with the "Death Star vs. Enterprise" match, the
name says it all. With a name like Stevie Wonder, how can I go wrong?
Let's look further into the name issue. Obviously, "Stevie" is a variant
of a superior name, often associated with greatness. "Wonder" speaks for
itself. He must be a walking miracle in sunglasses. On the other hand,
"Ray Charles" has nothing going for it. We all know that "Ray" is a "drop
of golden sun." Will that help at darts? I think not. As far as
"Charles" is concerned, all I have to say is "Prince Charles." Sharing a
name with Dumbo--oops I mean the heir to the throne is an obvious
detriment. The name issue is so one-sided in this match that it simply
cannot be ignored.
BRIAN: Actually, Steve, I don't see any change from your usual
method of picking the "winner": short-sighted, non-sensical, muddled
thinking. Where's the change? O.K., let's say names are important. Ray
wins in a rout anyway. I mean "Wonder" as a real name? I don't think
so. What is Stevie (if that is his real first name) trying to hide?
He's a phony, both in his name and at parlor games. Now, "Ray Charles" on
the other hand is a real name. He's got two first names!! Who can stop
someone with that kind of power? Look at the all of the other great powers
that have had all first names: Billy Joel, Clarence Thomas, Elton John
(I know its a fake name, but his real name is Reginald Dwight which is also
two first names so it is allowed), John Tyler, Michael Douglas, Roger Craig
(how many guys named "Wonder" or "Phenomenon" have Super Bowl rings?), Patrick
Henry, Jesse James, Marcus Allen (see Roger Craig), Neil Simon, and (the coup
de grace) Phillip Michael Thomas. Boy, did that argument ever backfire.
And besides, Steve, as I said before, Ray is old so he's got the rage. Ol'
"Stevie Wonder" will be hittin' the road, Jack.
NOTE: Helen Keller is incapacited after the first dart throw (I can't
imagine how). Ronnie Milsap steps in to replace her.
STEVE: Your list of people with more than one first name only
discredits your own argument. Phillip Michael Thomas???? Give me a break!
And besides, I don't recall seeing even one dart player or blind person
in that entire list of yours. Your arguments are irrelevant, pointless and
juvenile as usual.
Another factor in this match that you forget is that it is only Ray &
Stevie present. Everyone else is watching the fight at the other end of
the bar. This means that Ray has no backup singers to help him (i.e. no
scantily dressed "Uh-huh" girls). Without them Ray might as well be
selling pencils out of a coffee mug on the street corner. Stevie doesn't
need that crutch.
The way I see it, Stevie will make his throws. Hellen goes up to the dart
board to feel where his shots went. Meanwhile, Ray, unaware that she is
there, takes his throws. The result: Hellen goes to the emergency room
with three puncture wounds, and dies of tetanus 4 days later. Her last
dying words were "Ray, you didn't get the right one baby. Nuh-uh."
BRIAN: Blasphemer! Infidel! How DARE you say such things about
the great Phillip Michael Thomas!!! Oh, and I like how you selectively
ignored a former U.S. President, a current Supreme Court Justice, an
academy award winning actor, a handful of Super Bowl rings, a founding
father, an award winning playwright and the most popular musician of the
1970's (O.K., stike that last one) in your "analysis" of my list. No
dart players, but only because they were too busy doing other great
things to play darts. BTW, one of the top 5 darts players in the world
is named Michael Gregory (I looked it up).
And to think Ray NEEDS "Uh-huh" girls. He was singing the blues without
women before Stevie even popped out of one. Which reminds me: I've been
doing even more research and discovered that in 1962 Stevie released an
album entitled A Tribute to Uncle Ray. When it comes down to the
heat of the battle, Ray sees Stevie as a new kid on the block (nkotb),
while Stevie will see Ray as an "uncle". Stevie will have the lead and
will have the chance to win, but he'll throw the match (like in oh so
many shown-only-on-daytime-HBO movies) and let "Uncle Ray" win.
Plus, Stevie wears braids in his hair. 'Nuff said.
Try the Stevie Wonder vs. Ray Charles boxing game at Chaff Online.
Ray Charles (356)
Stevie Wonder (128)
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Tell a friend about this match
This will be the longest WWWF contest in history, because even
if the combatants hit the bulls-eye Ms. Keller won't be able
to see the results or tell the participants. In other words,
this will quickly turn into the bloodiest match ever with all
three people involved looking like crimson swiss-cheese.
Eventually blood loss will decide the winner, which in
this case will be the younger and fitter, Stevie Wonder.
- R. Lee
OK, once again, TV will show us the way and pave the path to glory. Lets
examine instances where each of the contestants have had to aim:
Stevie Wonder appeared on a Saturday Night Live commercial in which he was
taking pictures of a tennis player. Lending to the comedic value of the scene,
he, well, sucked.
As if I really have to mention this, Ray Charles starred in "The Blues
Brothers" where he almost put a hole in a little kid's head who was trying to
steal a guitar. He shot a 44 from across the music store and put it within an
inch of the kid's face.
Therefore, Ray wins with his first three throws and he joins Mr. Clean on
Bourbon Street to pick up some cheap women. BTW, I can't beleive neither one
of you brought up the scene from "Blues Brothers" in your arguments.
Are you kidding? Stevie Wonder doesn't have a chance! Remember they're
in a bar watching the Mr T./Mr. Clean fight (in which Clean lost a very
controversial split decision). Both Wonder and Charles have been
drinking heavily, but Ray, with all of his experience in the blues
instead of that crap Stevie sings, can hold his liquor better. Besides,
Stevie Wonder will start doing that violent swaying back and forth, and
end up on the floor (with Mr. T!) before he throws his first dart. I'll
take Ray 3 to 0.
Look. Ray charles will win. He doesn't need to see. Ever see the Blues
Brothers? He was a damn good shot then and I think his aim has only gotten
better with age. Besides, when have you ever seen Stevie Wonder aim for
anything? But there will be casualties galore!
Stevie, will eventually get fustrated with his 'performance' in the contest.
With Ray Charles' Uh HUH girls Uh Huhing every time Ray scores, he will
eventually go over the edge and manage to stab one of the girls with a dart.
Of course he will stab the Uh HUH girl who is married to Adrian Paul (TV's
HIGHLANDER), and this will send him into an emotional fury.
Adrian will pull that katana out of whereever he hides it and go madly slashing
about sending heads flying faster than you can say "there can only be one!"
Ray manages to avoid the blade puts a dart right between Adrian's eyes, thus
making Ray the only one standing, and the winner!!!!!
Now on to business: You are both wrong. A darts match between two blind
guys where the winner must first make three bullseyes will probably take
a couple of centuries (I'd put money on a monkey typing in the complete
works of Shakespeare in order before either of these bozos finish). Now
for the REAL story: Neither guy can even hit the dart board, and it
takes an average of 10 minutes for Helen to find the darts after each
turn. Meanwhile, Stevie is coming on to Helen real strong, telling her
how nice she smells and other crap like that. Helen, being strong-willed
herself, rejects Stevie and hooks up with Mr. T because she feels sorry
that he got the crap beat out of him by a cleaning agent. Since Stevie
and Ray now have no referee, they go back to argueing about who was
snubbed in the video. Within a few minutes, they realize that Lionel
Richie dissed them both, so they make a pact to find Lionel and beat the
living crap out of him. Since Lionel is hiding in a corner of the bar,
as Ray's limo driver points out, a fist fight ensues, which becomes sot
of a free for all, since neither Ray nor Stevie can see what they're
punching. After a few good blows, Lionel sneaks out leaving Ray and
Stevie to pummel each other. Both Ray and Stevie end up in the hospital
with multiple contusions, lacerations, and minor injuries, why Lionel
gets away with a black eye and a big smile on his face since his plan
I have to go with Steve(ie) on this one. He's got the
advantage of youth. Besides, he IS a wonder. They don't call
'em Wonder Woman or Wonder Bread(tm) for nothing. Besides,
ole Ray Charles is just "Born to Lose".
It's very simple: "Hit the Road, Jack" vs. "I Just Called to Say I Love You"
Diet Pepsi vs. Orange Juice...Blues Brothers cameo vs. "Jungle Fever"
soundtrack. The final analysis makes it clear: Ray has the attitude and
the experience to wipe up the board with Little Stevie Whimper.
Final Result: Ray Charles wins 3 bulls to 1 (and the 1 that Stevie gets
is highly suspect, especially considering that he was seen buying
Miss Keller a drink earlier in the evening).
Ray Charles! This is the typical plot from those Saturday afternoon
Chinese-KungFu movies. The old guy vs the young guy. If you remember, the old
master always has a suprise for "young grasshopper".
Lucky for Stevie, an earthquake hits while he takes his turn and causes the
target to rock left and right with the same rythym as his his head, giving him
a bull's eye with every throw.
Ray Charles steps up to the throwing line and quickly throws two darts
with fantastic accuracy. The crowd is stunned, but as anyone who has
seen "The Blues Brothers" knows, Ray has surprisingly good
aim. Victory seems assured as Ray prepares for his last throw. But
just as he throws, Stevie Wonder 'accidentally' bumps into him,
causing him to skewer an "Uh-huh" girl instead. As her brown
carbonated blood spills onto the floor Ray Charles begins playing the
piano singing "Georgia On My Mind". Hellen Keller, blissfully unaware
of the deception, gives Ray a mediocre score.
Stevie, aided by a sycophant, then steps up to the line and makes his
throws. Once again, his aim is impressive give that he is
visually-challenged. Stevie nudges out Ray by a few points.
The crowd, happy that there are no more blind people throwing darts,
goes wild. Dan Akaroyd and Jim Belushi (toting his dead brother's
corpse with him in a double-ply hefty bag) start playing up on the
stage. During an instrument solo Dan goes into his patented "I'm a
white-guy with only one move" dance routine. Unfortunately, the few
thousand pounds that Dan has put on over the years has left him unable
to complete the dance and he collapses on stage due to a heart
attack. Jim slips offstage unnoticed and sandbags Stevie, knocking off
his glasses to reveal that he's actually _Eddie_Murphy_ in disguise.
Flashing his patented smile Eddie smacks Jim upside the head and the
two begin a battle royal. Eddie's superior strength is canceled out by
Jim's artful wielding of his brothers body. Jim, hungry, tries to
order a pizza during the fight, which leaves him momentarily
open. Eddie, screaming "Cill my landlord", finishes him off using the
huge coke-spoon hanging from his neck. All appears lost for Ray
Charles when suddenly Joe "I-may-not-be-funny-but-I-am-muscular"
Piscipo bursts out of the crowd and rips Eddie limb-from-limb for
having left him behind with no career, no talent, and no chicks.
Ray Charles wins by default.
- Paul Wayner
This was a difficult choice. Difficult in the sense that I was hoping for a
third choice; namely that they would kick the shit out of each other and we
wouldn't have to deal with either of them for quite a while. But since the
choices were limited, I picked Ray in a mild upset. The reason: All of
those damn beads Lil' Stevie wears. I mean - every time he shakes his head
he's gonna sound like a wind chime factory in a typhoon. Ray's hearing being
so acute, he'll sight in (no pun intended) on Stevie's face like a Sidewinder
missile and render that goofy bastard null and extremely void. Besides,
Ray's been around a while; hadn't had to have about 700 bodyguards and Eddie
Murphy to keep an eye (there I go again) on his no-seeing ass.
Tough one, guys, but once again, you've forgotten the rest of the patrons
in that bar. Once Mr. T has wiped up the countertops with Mr. Clean, the
audience is going to gather around to see the other fight. This will not
be very much fun for them, however, because soon they AND Ms. Keller will
be deluged with darts. Needless to say, everyone's going to move rapidly
from feeling no pain (after a few drinks and a good bust-up fight) to
feeling LOTS of pain. I say that there are few groups nastier than a
bunch of riled-up drunks. Therefore, you needed to add a third option to
your ballot--"Both mangled and killed".....Oh, but Ms. Keller is spared.
Drunken men always get sentimental about old ladies, but even if they
don't, she's been dead a LONG time now and I doubt they'd really care to
interact with her socially.
As I see it, both competetors are equally matched as far as physical
abilities are conserned (lets face it, you just need an arm for darts, and
they're both blind as the proverbial bat). Therefore this competition is
going to be decided by an intangible, and unkown factor. And just what is
this factor? Experience, Ray has been blind longer. Yes this may sound
stupid, but he's probably thrown more stuff in drunken stupors over the
years to place him ahead of Wonder. Come on, Ray played the blues in so
many seedy spots before his public image was important that you know he must
have been drunk. Imagine the scenario, "I'm blind, I have no money, and I'm
in a bar"...of course he sang, he had to. Stevie on the other hand was to
busy singing on the Ed Sulivan show, following Topo Jijo (you know that
stupid rat puppet), never having been exposed to the harsh side of the
world. Even if Ray loses, Stevie will never know...and if Stevie wins..Ray
would just have some of his "friends" from the good old days make it so
Stevie didn't win...Nuff said.
The answer to this match is quite simple. You see, in the Blues Brothers, Ray
Charles displayed his amazing gun slinging skills when he blew away the punk
trying to steal a guitar pick in the scene where Jake and Elwood go to his
store to buys some instruments. "Dirty Ray" Charles is one of the baddest dudes
on the planet. He's an amazing shot! Its clear that only a brainless mendicant
would pick Stevie "Wonder Bra" over him! I really think that WWWF's Steve still
hasn't come to grips with the non-existance of Wonder Woman and the
super-friends. Everyone knows only Marvel characters are real. What has Stevie
Wonder done in the movies? Wasn't he in that flick where the guy's computer
comes to life and sleeps with this hot babe he's been pursuing? I figure Ray
will first toss a bull's eye, then proceed to pepper poor Stevie "Wonder What
Happened to His Career" with a fist full of recreational toys of death, then
beat the heck out of Mister T and Mister Clean, and then he'll hijack a time
machine and go back and kick the crap out of every WWWF winner in history, and
then he'll get on his ship and go to the place and give that thing to some guy
so he can do things with it because Ray Charles is the Penultimate Anti-Christ
second only to Dick Clark, and then the giant attack robots will arrive to do
his bidding, and we'll have pit fighting in the living room, and we'll hire a
bunch of Hong Kong businessmen to come stand around the pit and wave betting
slips and yell, yeah, that'd be cool.
ummm, there's some nice men in white with a funny looking jacket who just
showed up here. I think I should go....
- Secret Agent Mearls
Stevie and Ray step up, darts in hand , all ready to go. Stevie goes
first. Confident in his ability he lets them fly , one-two-three in quick
succession. Unfortuately he lets fly in the wrong direction.
Three dats go whistling accross the room, straight at the bar room
brawlers, Mr clean and Mr T. Mr clean gets hit by two , one in each eye
and dies. The third dart heads straight for Mr T's jugular.
It is deflected by one of many gold chains.
Mr T looks down and sees that one of his favourite gold chains has been
chipped! " Who's throwing darts," says Mr T.
Ray , who is much older and wiser than stevie , knows that Mr T only asks
that sort of question when he is about to hurt someone throws his darts
at the ground , and pretends to sleep(an easy task for Ray).
Stevie, younger and bolder than Ray (also stupider) says, "I threw some
darts , you got a problem with that!" Mr T does have a problem.
Mr T removes Stevies glasses (it's rude to hit someone with glasses)
and belts the daylights out of him. Stevie manages to land two lucky
punches and breaks Mr T's nose (If I had a penny for every time that
happened....) and all his teeth. Stevie comes off second best, however,
and has to go to hospital to have his brain put back in.
RAY WINS BY DEFAULT.
[An interesting montage of previous WWWF matches.... - Ed]
Hello gentleman, is there even a contest here? As soon as the game
begins all those people with two first names flock to Ray Charles side.
Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton (Commander and Chief of the armed forces of
the only remaining superpower), Patrick Stewart (and his faithful
crew-members aboard the Enterprise), Sara Conner (and a friendly
Terminator), and unfortunately, Luke Perry all appear.
"But wait!," you say, "All these people are distracted by the bar fight
between T and Clean." True, however, after dismembering the malcontents
at the cantina in Mos Eisley, Alec Guinness feels the distress of fellow
two namer Ray Charles. (A friend of mine had a dog named Guinness) He
comes with haste to the bar in New Orleans, and steps between Mr. T and
Mr. Clean. They stop and look at the old man. All is quiet for a
"NEGOLA DEAGHI WOOLDUGGER!!!!!" screams an enraged Mr. T. "Don't insult
us!", says Mr. Clean, "We have the death sentence on twelve systems!"
Obi-wan briefly mutters something about dumbass punks, and proceeds to
slice them both into little pieces.
With the distraction dealt with, the two namers prepare to rip
Wonder-boy and his dog into little pieces as well. Unfortunately for
Ray, Jordan decides he'd rather be playing baseball, Clinton sees a cute
waitress, the Death Star appears to deal with Obi-wan AND the
Enterprise, and Predetor and the T-1000 take Sara Conner and friends by
surprise. This leaves only Luke Perry.
As Perry weakly begins pulling on Stevie's braids, Ray begins throwing
wildly. His first shot hits Luke Perry right between the eyes, and at
that instant, a weeping Wesley Crusher sprints through the door,
chainsaw in hand. Close on his heels is Barney. The two stop running and
begin swatting at each other with their saws. In the confusion, Ray
stumbles into the dart board, and easily feels the bullseye. He sticks
three darts right in the center.
The Wonderman cries foul, but Ronnie Milsap admits that the rules said
nothing about acctually throwing the darts, and declars Ray the winner.
Based on the names, as was so eloquently considered in the
analysis, but one point was not considered. Instead of
Ray Charles being compared to Prince Charles (who is kind
of a drip I admit), the name Ray could be compared to "Rey"
(Spanish for King) therefore we have "King Charles" and
there have been lots of conquering kings named Charles.
(Charlemagne, Charles V, Charles II, etc.)
Just don't let Stevie have a axe or Ray might end up like
Charles I of England.
Obviously, Ray has the advantage in terms of experience, but in the
clinches I think Stevie has it - they both kind of wave their heads
around a lot when they sing, but Stevie's 'dreadlock'-style hairdo
with those heavy beads on the end are bound to do Ray some damage,
maybe even knock his glasses off so he can't see.
[Yes! Ray must be as blind as a bat without his glasses... -Ed]
The way I see this match up (because our competitors can't), it all boils
down to how cool each dart thrower is. Both competitors wear sunglasses,
but only Ray Charles wrote an article about choosing the right sunglasses
(Men's Health, June 95). Ray 1 bull's eye, Stevie 0. Each has had
memorable album titles: Ray Charles had "Blues is my middle name", Stevie
Wonder had "Musiquarium". What the hell is a Musiquarium? A bowl full of
musical notes and water? Ray has 2 bull's eyes, Stevie's batting lower than
Michael Jordan's average. Both competitors were used in soundtracks to
popular mass media productions: Ray Charles sang "Georgia on my mind" for
CBS's `Designing Women' (before CBS started to suck); Stevie sang "I just
called to say I love you" from the movie `The woman in red', starring
Gene Wilder. Ray Charles gets his 3rd bull's eye and Stevie Wonder is
shut out. In fact, being associated with a Gene Wilder movie is akin to
Stevie rocking his head back and forth as he throws the dart into the
air, only to have it land in his forehead. Final score: Ray Charles 3,
Stevie Wonder 0. Like taking candy from a baby, Ray rules! Uh huh!
I base my vote on the style of the two singers. Stevie will lose. Why?
Only one thing stangs in his way, the swinging head motion. He'll try
but will only get one of the darts on the board. Helen will catch one of
the missed darts in the back of her head and will be rushed to the
hospital. Mr. T will be force to come over and judge after putting Mr.
Clean in his place.
Ray has everything going for him. His head does not swing side to side
as much as Stevies so he'll be able to get all of his darts on the
board. Plus he's got experience on his side. Through his years I'm sure
that someone has tried to pull a few stunts on old Ray. He's learned
from the past and knows what to do to come on top in darts and
At the end of the dart battle, Stevie will apologize and then get on
his knees and kiss all of Ray's rings. Then Ray will forgive Stevie for
everything including the We are the World gig. Both will sit with Mr. T
and enjoy a nice cold pitcher of beer.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Prince v. Michael Jackson
The Village People v. Spice Girls
Forrest Gump v. Rainman
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© 1995, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC