World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

High atop the WWF [sic] towers, Vince McMahon sits alone in his office, dressed in a surgical gown & cap and wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes. Along the far wall runs his expansive collection of jarred urine. "I just wanted to run a football league that people would actually enjoy," he mutters to himself. "Why has everyone turned against me? Like these germs! They're all against me!"

Several members of his staff enter. McMahon turns on them. "What are you doing in here?! I said I wasn't to be disturbed!"

"Uh, actually, uh, sir," says the boldest one, "you said you wanted to have a 10 o'clock meeting to discuss your next grand plan."

"Ah, yes... so I did. Very well, have a seat." The staff members sheepishly dash for seats around the conference table. McMahon stands and starts to circle the table. "Gentlemen, I know why the XFL failed. I know what went wrong." The staff leans in to hear more. "You see... it wasn't extreme enough." Everyone leans back, rolling their eyes, with a single 'not this again' heard under someone's breath. "Listen to me!" McMahon bellows, slowly beginning to regain his previous form. "Football is boring. It's been done. And getting people hurt isn't even the point! They stop the game for that. No... we need something completely over the top. We need... Rollerball!" The staff members lean forward once again.

"That's right," continues McMahon, "I want to start up an eXtreme Rollerball League. We'll call it the... XRL. And to launch it, we'll have a star-studded celebrity tournament. Prime time on ALL the networks, except NBC of course. Winner take all -- last one standing wins! And only the best of the best will compete! Find me the ten finest WWWF [sic] champions, and I'll put on a show th--" One of the bean counters cuts McMahon off.

"Um, excuse me, sir. I hate to interrupt your 'groove' here, but after your XFL bath, your blown reputation, and your general insolvency, I'm fairly certain we can't book any WWWF champions."

"Is that so... how about losers?"

The man whips out a calculator and does some quick figuring. "Yes, sir!"

"Alright! Now we're getting somewhere!" McMahon rips off his surgical gear and kicks off the Kleenex boxes, revealing a shiny 2-piece suit and brand new Air Jordans underneath. "Oh, yes!! I feel it! But if we're using losers, I want only the best of the worst. No second rate losers. Top of the line only!"

The bean counter does some more figuring. "Well, let's see, we can get King Kong, Jaws, a small pack of chihuahuas--"

McMahon rushes over to him, rapping his knuckles on his forehead. "Hello?! McFly!! Can we put rollerblades on any of them? Huh?! Get me the 10 finest WWWF losers that can actually play Rollerball! Can we do that, please?! Now go!" The staff, scared but excited, dashes from the room. "And somebody book The Garden!" McMahon bellows after them. "And get Jesse Ventura in the booth!"

[Several months later, in a packed and generally insane Madison Square Garden, a rollerball track has been set-up. Tens of thousands of screaming fans cheer on their favorite contestant, who are just now lining up along the start line. Jesse Ventura goes to the PA mike.]

"Welcome to... ROLLLL-ERRRR-BALLLLLLL!!!!!"
[The fans go crazy.]
"Remember folks: no substitutions, no penalties, and no time limit! Last one standing wins! And, now, meet your contestants!!"
[A spotlight shines on the first contestant.]
"Our first and smallest contestant, riding a motorbike and armed with a sling shot, and bearing the nickname 'Stupendous Man' on his jersey: Calvin!"
[Calvin waves a spiked glove to the crowd, who again goes crazy. One clearly pro-Calvin section is particularly animated. Ventura then goes on to introduce the next nine contestants, each cheered on by their own section of the crowd:]

[Ventura again bellows into the mike] "Let's play... ROLLLL-ERRRR-BALLLLLLL!!!!!"

To learn more about Rollerball, click on any of the first three links above. Or rent the movie.

Calvin, Six Million Dollar Man, Xena, William Wallace, Jason Voorhees, John Wayne, Spider-Man, Lara Croft, Bruce Lee, Incredible Hulk

The Six Million Dollar Man
William Wallace
Jason Voorhees
John Wayne
Lara Croft
Bruce Lee
The Incredible Hulk

The Commentary

Following our tournament tradition, we will hold off on a 10-way commentary for the Second Chance Tournament™ to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and responses. Thanks to the many people that suggested a "Tournament of Losers" idea in one form or another.

The Results

Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin (1337 - 27.2%)

rolls over


Spider-Man (800 - 16.3%)

Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee (559 - 11.4%)

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

Lara Croft (436 - 8.9%)

William Wallace, Braveheart

William Wallace (364 - 7.4%)

The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk (363 - 7.4%)

John Wayne

John Wayne (331 - 6.75%)

Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th

Jason Voorhees (330 - 6.75%)

Xena, Warrior Princess

Xena (243 - 5.0%)

Steve Austin, Six Million Dollar Man

Six Million Dollar Man (144 - 2.9%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments

Editor's note: This was the fifth largest response file ever,
so the normal Iron Fist disclaimers apply.


Lack of rules? Extreme violence? General chaos? What's this sound like to you? Right. Calvinball. Calvin will simply blaze through the competition in this game of his own design (close enough, anyway). Any contestants to survive the first five rule changes will quickly be done away with by the introduction of the "Suicide Zone," which they all happen to be standing in right then. Since Hobbes is the only reature in the universe able to argue a Calvinball ruling with Calvin, as a famous quack liked to put it, "They're dead, Jim." Calvin wins with a score of Z to turtle.

- Kannyn

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Sure, one could argue that Spiderman doesn't count seeing as he never ages, but since he's from the '60's, the point is moot. Either way, while the other contestants are struggling with these "newfangled contraptions", Calvin is zooming around with his tiger buddy inventing a new, more violent version of "Calvinball". When they manage to get up, the "Over 30-Must Injure Self"(TM) instinct kicks in, and they manage to fall flat on their asses. The only one who surpasses this instinct is Lara Croft, since computer generation has kept her looking even more young than Cher after an appointment with a plastic surgeon. But despite this, she automatically falls over anyways as the forces of gravity work it's wonders on her novelty-sized bosom(TM). Since the rules for winning clearly state the "last one standing wins", Calvin is the victor!

- Catie, Basterd Daughter of the Knights Who Say "NI!"

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

You know, by now you people have received dozens of responses saying that Calvin will win due to Rollerball's similarities to Calvinball. This is one of them.

- Affy

If you're a bourbon drinkin', no-filter smoking, cowboy with one lung missin', all ya gotta do is stand in one spot and shoot them daggone ruffins up one at a time. Then ya go out, move the wagons west, kiss the womenfolk, and go lookin' for some friggin' dinner.

- The Ultimate Genie

The So-Crazy-It-Might-Just-Work AwardTM

Dude first of all please make my governor Jesse Ventura your new spokesman! WIN IF YOU CAN LOSE IF YOU MUST BUT ALWAYS CHEAT! HELL YEAH! Second he would just run down there and destroy everyone. THE RACK FOR LIFE!

- The Dark Shadow

I spent long hours thinking about this to the exclusion of all else. My teachers despaired of getting a rational answer to any question (ie what is your name? Spiderman, Hulk,...). Then it hit me. WWWF is a reality that is skewed. Calvin's right at home. All he has to do is point his hands out and yell Kazam! Everybody turns into field mice type aliens and Calvin is the Giant Bunny Foo Foo. No contest. He picks them up and bops 'em on the head. And he doesn't stop until his parents come in a space ship to steal his brains, or poison him with 'food'. Calvin is proclaimed the winner.

- Grand Master Bugaw

This particular Grudge Match is based around a whole bunch of Grudge Match people we have not seen for a long, long time. By that logic, Dan Willis (TM) miraculously rises out of the rubble and claims sweet, sweet victory.

- duanage

Unfortunately, what Vince did not realize was that the WWWF is one of the most scarring experiences in pop culture history. While the competitors aren't dead (the "But These Guys Are Dead" argument is clearly unacceptable), we've got to deal the next worst thing: Post- Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Lara Croft and The Bionic Man still suffer from the bullet wounds their competitors left in them. Bruce Lee, Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk are still throbbing from the severe beatings they received. Not to mention that William Wallace still has Garden Weasel scars all over his body. The WWWF is never, ever pretty, and the terrifying experiences could probably fill up a war journal. Therefore, every one of these people only has the impetus to lie on the ground and whimper. While their fans (or, in Wallace's case, Jihad members) attempt to act out their own version of Weekend at Bernie's with the beat-up carcasses of their heroes, every person in those camps is easily picked off. The only ones who aren't mere shells of their former selves are Jason, who probably was dead, he just came back (again), John Wayne, whose only Eastwood wounds are visible in his brand new eye patch (not to mention a war-hardened mind that can't be traumatized), and Calvin and Xena, who lost in non-violent competitions. Jason's past is repeated yet again: he eliminates most of his opponents, but the weakest member of the bunch (in this case, Calvin) sends him back to the grave. I'd say that he'd be back for the next year's Rollerball, but this is a Vince McMahon production we're talking about.

Finally, we're left with Xena, Calvin, and John Wayne. Well, I dunno about you folks, but a slingshot and a "chakram" (read: big honkin' sword) are no match for six bullets. Lesson learned: Bet on the non- traumatic guy who carries the gun. Chalk a victory up to the Duke, pilgrim.

- Charge Man

By putting "Vinnie Mac" (TM) at the helm of this match, you have provided me with an ample measuring stick for determining the winner: namely, the similarities between the contestants and WWF wrestlers. We all know Vince has a propensity for screwing his stars (in the figurative sense, you pervert!) That said, let's cross-reference the combatants with their WWF counterparts:

- Xena: Obviously resembles Chyna. You know, Joanie "Now making guest appearances at 'World of Wheels' shows nationwide" Laurer? Oh, you've forgotten her already? Surprise, surprise...

- William Wallace: the counterpart of the "Rowdy Scot" himself, Rowdy Roddy Piper. In his post-wrestling career, Piper was rumored to have saught the Prime-Ministership of Canada. What some people will do for continued publicity...

- Jason Vorhees: Obviously Kane. Still getting his ass kicked by his storyline brother, The Undertaker, in an arena near you (TM). Next!

- The Bionic Man: Please. STEVE AUSTIN?!? This man hopes to have ANY chance of winning a contest lorded over by a McMahon?!?

- The Incredible Hulk: Does a certain blonde-haired, over-the-hill FORMER Vinnie Mac golden boy ring a bell?

- The Duke: While many wrestlers have assumed the "cowboy" schtick over the years, the pic you have of the Duke makes him look a tad like Jim Ross. The same "J.R." who has acted as Vince's assigned derrier-kisser (TM?) since day one.

- Bruce Lee: A near dead-ringer for Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Lost his only WWF championship to an Elvis impersonator (The Honky Tonk Man). Need more be said?

- Calvin: You'd THINK Calvin has no immediate wrestling counterpart, but does anyone remember Beaver Cleavage? Huh? HUH? No? Oh, well...I'll resort to ANY tactic to keep the little snot from winning...

- Lara Croft: Resembles Vince's own daughter, Stephanie, these days. What's that? Storyline says that Vince has disowned his little girl? Thank you. Which leaves us with Spider-Man as the winner. Spidey resembles any number of unknown, largely forgotten masked wrestlers of yesteryear, used as cannon fodder for the big stars when "squash" matches were common on TV. These days, however, EVERY televised wrestling match is between established stars. Meaning that Vince won't even notice as Spidey systematically skitters across the arena to victory.

- Robo "I watch WAAAY to much wrestling" Goober98

It's gotta be Calvin. We're talking about the most devious six-year- old known to man. And I still want a recount on that Calvin vs. Bart match... Between Stupednous Man, Spaceman Spiff, Tracer Bullet, and the fact that he could probably modify the sling shot to a transmogrifier gun, well... If Calvin doesn't win, it's only 'cause of the Braveheart Jihad ["There is no Jihad!"(C)]

- The Last Innocent Catholic Schoolgirl

Bruce Lee is dangerous enough, but putting him on roller skates transforms him into the deadliest thing in the world. He'd be like some kind of figureskater/ninja hybrid.

- The Voice of Reason

Seeing How Movie Tickets, Wrestling Tickets, Football tickets all cost around 6 million each.....Bionic Man.

- Shaun The Other White Meat

I voted for The Duke(who must be referred to as The Duke), with an assist from Lara. The Duke needs no help, but being the crafty bastard that he is, decides to enlist the help of She With the Twin Cannons, Lara Croft. It's only minor help, but he still wants it, in this age of WWF PPV's and Very-Special-Whatevers. While The Duke is skating around the track, getting ready for the Rabbit Hole and the win, Lara(taking a multi-million payoff from The Duke) makes her way around the track like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, except Lara flashes the crowd and her competitors, stunnig them, and allowing The Duke to make the winning goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch Ted Nugent school Sebastian Bach.

- Matt L., also known as Nem

Well, at first, I was torn between Xena and Lara Croft, because of the Breast-Factor(TM) (hey, I know it's not the real thing, but give me a break), but then I realized the true competitor was in the match, and I had to give it to him. He's the only one who CAN win. He must win. He is... Calvin. Calvin must win. After all of those sessions of Calvinball, Rollerball will be a breeze. Besides, Calvin has... the RAGE!(TM). After reading the hidden truth about Calvin's match on your FUN STUFF section, I think he smells fear already. Calvin also has Hobbes on his side. Hobbes already won a match, and came up just short of taking home a Grudgie(TM). Calvin will win. Plain and simple. Just hope he doesn't impress Susie with the win here. That would be suicide for his macho image and political career.

- Mr. Floppy - as seen on "Unhappily Ever After"

The audience is tense... AND THERE'S THE WHISTLE!

The Bionic Man is the first of the line, but after several seconds, he slips into Heighten-the-Tension-by-Moving-Slow-as- Molasses Mode (TM). By the time the game ends, he's moved 10 feet.
Bruce Lee sits on the ground with his legs crossed and begins meditating.
Calvin (making up the rules as he goes) starts hopping backwards and firing his slingshot at Susie Derkins, who is sitting with Hobbes in the audience.
Xena and William Wallace both believe "rollerskates" to be the work of the devil. Instead of competing they decide to elope. Little Willy is expected in 9 months.
Lara Croft's chronic "Barbie Disease" (TM Paul Golba) once again causes her to fall helplessly to the ground. The sight of this makes John Wayne halt in his tracks. With a comment of "Don't you worry none, ma'am," The Duke and his new Duchess ride off into the sunset together.
Jason looks to the PA box, raises his butcher knife, and charges the audience, leaving a path of chaos and destruction in his bloody wake. Jesse Ventura's body is never found.
An enraged Hulk crashes through the nearest wall and proceeds to total Downtown Manhattan as well as the New Jersey countryside.
The only active contestant that remains is Spider-Man. He wins the competition and still has enough time to go save Mary Jane from the Hulk's rampage.

- The Brainchild

Lara Croft. Roller skating.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is there some sort of competition going on here?

- Vermin Boy

Well---Xena, & Braveheart are disqualified. They are from medeveal (sp?) times, & therefore do not know how to skate.

Hulk eats his skates. Disqualified.

John Wayne has that bottle of Whiskey. Drunk as a skunk. Disqualified.

Calvin rolls merrily into the ring, only to be sliced, diced, & juilienne fried by Jason, the only villian on the field, & therefore the only cotestant mean enough to hurt a little kid. Jason is therefore ganged-up-on by, well, everybody. The others are, after all, heroes, & have reputations to uphold.

The Bionic Man is immediately shot dead by Lara Croft. His slow-motion antics & (admittedly) groovy sound effects won't help him against her. Or her pistols.

Bruce Lee & Spiderman duke it out, but Spideyhas Star Power---his upcoming new movie gives him the edge, & Bruce Lee dies again.

Finally, it's Spiderman vs. Lara Croft. The outcome is so obvious. Lara lifts her top, flashes her hooters, & shoots Spidey as he stands there drooling.

Lara Croft Wins!

All Hail The Power Of Hooters. And pass the buffalo wings, please.

- Bosda Di'Chi

The Hulk, in about 90 seconds. He'll get angry, he'll get VERY angry, he'll get VERY VERY angry indeed. He will get so angry that he will be transformed into RAGE-INCARNATE™. As we all know RAGE™ = easy win in 1 on 1 match, RAGE-INCARNATE™ = easy win, any odds you like. It'll take some one like Mr T to stop him, and he's not playing this game. He might let Spider-Man live, as he is a fellow Marvel Superhero, but the rest are DOA. But that said, John Wayne and Bruce Lee are SCREEN-ICON'S™ and cannot be harmed.

So we have: RAGE-INCARNATE™ vs. SCREEN-ICON'S™ = good-bye to Madison square gardens and most of New York. There is no way that the world ca handles the stress of so much power unleashed. I say the Hulk wins, with the help of Spider-Man, who craws away with a limp.

- Sinister Dexter

Um... you forgot the "McMahon puts himself over as the winner at the expense of his players" option. Just wanted to let you know.

- Fish

This is easy the winner has to be the only person who by rights shouldn't even be in this match. Any true Grudge Match follower KNOWS FOR A FACT, Bruce Lee was robbed in his grudge match with Jackie Chan. Therefore Bruce Lee, looking for vengeance, will dispose of his opponents (without wearing his uniform) without recieving a single blow himself until he meets his final opponent, who in this case is sure to Spider-Man. In a fight scene similar to the final battle in, The Way of the Dragon, Bruce will recieve a hefty beating while sticking to the structured traditional RollerBall technique. this all changes however when Bruce switches to a more free form style of RollerBall unable to cope with the change, Spider-Man suffers an honourable defeat.

Please note I am a lazy Englishman and therefore have no idea what Roller Ball is. The fact that i am lazy means i couldn't be bothered to read about it either.

- The Murph

Oh God, this venture is doomed from the start. It's worse than the XFL. It's worse than the Red Rooster. It's even worse than the Patterson/Briscoe Hardcore Evening Gown Match (and DAMN you guys for making me remember that piece o' crap!)! See, this being just another extention of McMahon's ego, it means that AT LEAST the first half hour will be dominated by Vinny Mac talking. "NOW................ Madison Square Garden ................ I just have to .............. say.............. that................ NOTHING..........can stop................ meeeeeee........." Let's be honest here, the man goes through more periods than a sorority dorm house. The New York crowd, whipped to a dull boredom (no matter how loud the "cheers" will be piped in), will make their displeasure known quite vocally. To which the response is to bring in Stephanie "Funbags R Us" McMahon. For yet at least ANOTHER half hour, she will screech and whine to the audience about how her Daddy doesn't get any respect and don't her new breasts look wonderful tonight? At this point the crowd is ready to riot. Finally, Miss Jiggletits leaves and Ventura says that the match is about to start. The crowd roars its approval.

The Rollerball gladiators take to the battleground... ...but no sooner have the combatents made their preliminary circles around the ring than an all too-familiar voice calls out 3 letters... "N...W...O..." Yep, faster than you can say "Montreal Screwjob", Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall charge down to interrupt the match with steel chairs and start beating the hell out of everybody. Calvin and Spidey are flung like lawn darts, much like any WCW Cruiserweight was during the NWO's time there. Xena and Laura Croft are only capable of doing sissy-girl slaps. The other Hulk falls down only after a tap on the chest from Nash. Hogan no-sells a chainsaw to the gut from Jason. But it is the sight of watching red-blooded icons of ass-whuppery in the forms of John Wayne and Bruce Lee having to job to dull slow men with no skill that breaks the crowd's collective back. The NWO, Vince and Steph never leave the building alive.

- cygnia

Honestly, can you see any of these characters on rollerskates? They're going to be too busy falling on their collective backsides to get into combat. Xanadu this is not.

- Galahad

HOW CAN YOU GUYS DO THIS TO ME!!! I've always said, that if there were a tournament a losers, Calvin would win hands down! But you guys bring him in riding a freakin BIKE!?!?!? YOU KNOW HOW CALVIN IS WITH BIKES!!!

- Spooner

Here is how it will go: At the begining, William Wallace will moon the other contestants. Xena, wanting already to get rid of all the acient heros first, will shove her chakram up his ass. But when she tries to take it out, Jason Voorhees will slice her in two. Now, Calvin is running scared, trying to aviod all trouble. But you see, when he left the comics, that made the hulk made, and we all know what happens when hulk is mad. say goodbye to calvin Meanwhile, Lara Croft and John Wayne are looking down at each other from gun scopes. Lara tells John that they should fight hand to hand to see who's tougher. John agrees, but all the NRA members get mad at them chickening out and kill them both.

Now it is bionic man and Bruce Lee facing off. The problem is, between Bruce's lips moving out of place and the bionic man moving so slow, the Hulk gets confessed and angry. Say good bye to those 2. Now, Jason and the hulk square off. You know what is going to happen here too. Well, the hulk thinks he's won. But you see, the hulk isn't that bright, and he has forgotten about spiderman. Spidy has been working on the roof and with a pull, brings the garden down, crushing the hulk. Spidy has won, but Vince says he will not pay spidy, because he killled the audience. Thats when spidy pulls out his cellphone and calls the one man that can save him. Thats right, STAN LEE! stan just walks up, and punches Vince (vince is weak since he has been locked in his office for god knows why.) Then spidy grabs vince's wallet, gets in Stan's helicopter, and leaves.

- Mr. A

Wait, now I'm painfully confused...
A recent match asked us to vote for the loser, and now we have an all-loser extravaganza. Does that mean we're supposed to pick the biggest loser of them all? And would that mean everyone hates Calvin, who's gotten the most votes so far?
Poor Calvin, I should give him a pity vote... Wait, no! I can't do that, not if I'm right ... oh ... *fret fret fret* This is just like the time I had only one piece of fried chicken left, and the mime was really begging to have it whipped at his head ... but I was hungry ... *sigh* I need to eat now. You've ruined me.

- Monkeydog, reminding you, "You can't spell 'Valentine's Day' without 'VD.'"

Oh please. You ever taken off from John Wayne Airport in California? That sh*t's scarier than any damn James Caan movie. See:

- ...but neither is as scary as his political views

Lara Croft and Xena (being the only two females in the group) naturally begin fighting immediately. After a few swift kicks to the head and lots of hair pulling by Xena, Lara eventually says "Hey, I've got a shotgun" and boom, fight over. The Bionic Man and the Hulk square off, but after being jumped over several times, the Hulkster finally gets tired of the cheesey jumping noise and grabs the Bionic Man by the ankle, and rips him to shreds. Spider Man wathes Calvin begin to contstruct a time machine out of cardboard boxes, so that he may travel to the future, and get Hobbes' entire clan of tiger off spring, but before this occurs, Spidey envelopes Calvin in a spider web, rendering him incapacitated. Bruce Lee begins to do a bunch of "I'm gonna kick kick your ass right after I get done moving my hands around my head really fast" moves in front of John Wayne, but the Duke merely takes a slug of Bourbon, and shoots Lee in the head. Jason begins to slowly walk towards William Wallace, at which point Braveheart (feeling the effects of the RAGE) hacks Jason's arm off with his broad sword (he having the quicker reflexes) and proceeds to dismember Jason bit by bit. He then turns to Lara, who being English, obviously deserves to be dealt with next according to his Scottish ways. Lara, however, rembers her shotgun, and puts an end to that fight.

The Hulk begins to approach the Duke, and John, feeling the stupor of a fifth a Jack Daniels, thinks "what the hell, I beat Victor McLaughlin in the Quiet Man, how can a green freak be any tougher than a drunken, sexually frustrated Irishman?" After a thirty minute brawl, the Duke stands triumphant over Hulk, who was stupid enough to fall into one of the "pits of death" that abound the rollerball pit in an attempt to avoid John's flammable breath. At this point, John turns to Spidey and Lara and yells "Fill your hands, you sons'of bitches!" and begins to ride toward them on his trusty horse, who doesn't mind John's fluorescent orange cowboy shirt that he always wore. Lara gets so frustrated at this affront to her girl power that she forgets that she had emptied the shotgun on Xena and William Wallace, and gets shot by the Duke while attempting to unhitch the safety on her .45s. Spidey begins to shoot off a web at the Duke, only to be beaten to a pulp by the Duke's trusty side kicks Ward Bond and Ben Johnson, who come riding onto the wrong movie set. The Duke wins.

- rjpeters70

I don't see where the delibaration is, here. How, exactly, would you expect anybody to defeat the powerhouse Calvin in any sort of battle. There are many factors that contribute to Calvin's supreme advantage in this fight. First, let us remember that Calvin is a veteran tiger wrestler. Daily, he battles the ferocious jungle beast Hobbes. Second, one must recall the many adventures that Calvin has taken place in. He is a top-notch space plane pilot (a testament to his lightning reflexes). He is a master marksman, and a famed dinosaur slayer. However, even if you were to disregard his other achievments, we must not forget that Calvin is in possession of the greatest technological innovations of all time. That's right, the transmogrifier. What is stopping Calvin from stepping into the ring as a 200 foot tall land squid? Absolutely nothing. John Wayne may have two gatts, but he's got nothing on Calvin.

- The Puritan Cowboy

Hobbes: I thought your mom said that you had to clean your room today.
Calvin: I've been much too busy today.
Hobbes: What have you been doing?
Calvin: Well, first I had to tighten down the stabilizers to an experimental aircraft and squash this big radioactive spider. Then I helped this kid in Hong Kong chase off some bullies and rescued this other little kid from drowning.
Hobbes: You did ALL of that today?
Calvin: Heck no. That was just this morning. After lunch I saved this nice Scottish lady from a bunch of evil knights and told some army MPs where they could find a trespassing hotrodder.
Hobbes: Wow, that seems difficult.
Calvin: Nah, that hardest parts were getting this guy called Marion into the naval academy and finding a bunch of dumb computer programmers dates to the high school prom. Oh and routing that ancient Greek army, all by myself I might add.
Hobbes: You know, when they were writing up the rules to Rollerball they didn't include a time machine as part of the standard equipment.
Calvin: Oh Yeah! Thanks for reminding me. I knew I still had one more thing to do. So, how does "Calvin's Amazing Super Mega-Dynamic Roller Trans-Dimensional Hyper Ball" sound to you?

- Ryan S.

John Wayne in a heartbeat. Never, NEVER underestimate the power of a boozed up Redneck with guns on a mission.

- Sparty

Uhmmm... I've never seen the movie, but from the ads, it looks like Lara will probably be a lot less top-heavy after she rides under cars on those skate-things.

- Dr. No

I wasn't able to successfully defend Spidey in his battle with the Tick a couple years ago when I was commenting.

Now his movie's one of the most anticipated of the year, and the suckass live action Tick got cancelled. How do you like them apples, Mark Wentz?!

- Kilgore Trout

Wow! After almost 3 years, you still haven't gotten over my slaughtering you. I LOVE them apples! -Mark

The Hulk, on Rollerblades?? ***shakes head and walks away****

- Joe

So... Calvin's winning. Huh.

Clearly, this can only be the work of the Calvin Jihad (TINJ)TM. It is only through the support of such a clandestine organization that a six-year-old with no actual athletic skill (that is, outside of the anarchic, imagination-driven sport of Calvinball) could hope to prevail on a field such as this one. This must be a ruse, to hoist Calvin back into Grudge HistoryTM, whereupon his Jihad will find and sacrifice the unbeliever Bart. Truly, the dark and gritty underbelly of the Grudge MatchTM is a horrifying sight... and all the more horrifying for the losers.

Obviously, without such a cult, Calvin would be the first player to drop in the fields of Rollerball. Unaided by any outside agency, the only clear choice for champion is Spider-Man, and his only real opposition comes from Xena and Bruce Lee. Everyone else is mucilage in fifteen seconds (even the Hulk, who's played here by Ferrigno and as such is far, far weaker than the real Hulk has been on his worst day).

Fortunately, Spider-Man will uncover Calvin's treachery, and leave the Calvin JihadTM a battered heap on the locker room floor. 'Cause that's what Spider-Man does, beeyotch.

- Thomas Wilde

After looking at all the, *ahem*, qualifications of the contestents, I sat down to ponder who would be the winner of this well- (or is that ill-) concieved project. Then it hit me. Vince McMahon, Steve Austin, Vince McMahon, Steve Austin. How could anybody named Steve Austin lose in a match booked by Vinnie-Mac?

- Peter Smith

Judging from the buttons, we have the one-eyed John Wayne from True Grit. He gets blindsided early on. The Hulk's powers will run out at precisely the wrong moment, and suddenly his opponent will have the advantage. He's history. Calvin's motorcyle means he won't be able to use his only advantage: being able to go under and through narrow spaces where others can't get to him. His fantasies are only fantasies, and he gets plowed over while in the middle of one. William Wallace is bogged down by the rules of realism. He doesn't stand a chance. Xena busts her chops for a while, then gets quartered and beheaded. Lara Croft gets weighed down by her own endowments, and lies prone for an easy kill. Bruce Lee, for all his skills, is also just a man. No contest. Spiderman's webbing runs out like it always does when he needs it most, and he's out.

This leaves Austin and Jason. Jason would normally just do this in two seconds, but since Austin's the last survivor he has to take ten times as long to kill him, during which time Austin can easy knock the guy's head off with one of his patented kicks. I still say Steve was robbed of his victory.

- Ryan

There is no way that here in America, a the Duke cannot win. For several reasons. He has no compunction about killing people. Name a movie where he either doesn't beat the living hell out of somebody, or kill at least 10 people single-handedly. He doesn't care about little kids, or hot women. He had no respect for Maureen O'Hara, so Lara Croft, Xena, and Calvin are out. As for everybody else, he can simply shoot them. Sober, he can kill the entire Mexican army on his own, as demonstrated in "the Alamo." Drunk, only God knows what would happen. The Rage(tm) would build within John Wayne's crazed, homicidal mind, and would beat, stomp, shoot, and mangle his competition to victory. No number of opponents, barring Mr. T and the English Soccer Hooligans could ever defeat the enraged fury of the Drunk John Wayne(tm).

- What is this about?

Well, time for another one of my detailed, professional *snerk* analyzations of a Grudge Match tournament, examining the contestants one by one: Calvin's equipment is a bit lacking here. Everyone else seems to have a gun or a sword or super strength. He has a slingshot. Besides, he can't even ride a bicycle without it trying to kill him. And something with a motor in it is just asking for trouble. Xena and William Wallace are good with their respective sharp objects, but technologically speaking, neither of them can tell a motorcycle from a hole in the ground. Their lack of experience with such sophisticated *snicker* tech will be a serious disadvantage. John Wayne is a good shot, but I noticed you gave him bourbon. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to drink and drive? *crashing sounds* While the two Bruces (Lee and Banner) are powerful, they're also rather outmatched, being unarmed. All the superstrength in the world won't help when your opponent can just buzz you from afar and shoot you down. Jason Voorhees is just a big dumb zombified momma's boy with a machete. He lost to hordes of Stupid Horror Movie Teenagers(TM) more times than you can count on one hand. Anyway, being a zombie, I doubt he has the agility to drive a motorcycle. Lara can ride a motorcycle, despite her *ahem* overendowments. But one good push ought to fix that. *splat*

That leaves just Steve and Spidey. While Steve has the skills to last his time, Spidey can just goop up his wheels with a little of that Silly Stri... er, webbing, and we have two sets of bolts scattered across the road. *metallic onomatopoeia* "LOOK OUT! Here comes the Spiderman"... on his way to a well-deserved victory at last.

- Andy the Anarchist

The contestants step into the ring. But quickly, everybody gasps! Calvin has smuggled in his Duplicator and Transmorgifyer! Very quickly, the playing feild is packed with Calvin Duplicates! Calvin's opponents quickly move in to eliminate Calvin from the game! But before any of them can strike, The duplicuts jump into the transmorgifyer... And pop out as GRUDGE MATCH.COM(WWWF) STAFF!!! The incredible hulk moves in for the kill... But as he throws a punch at one of the staff members, He is thrown across the room! Due to the fact that none of the other competitors are alowed to hit wwwf staff, And sence calvin is in control of his duplicates (which are now copies of the wwwf staff) Calvin wins due to the fact that no grudgematch competitor is alowed to hurt a WWWF staff member. And the final result is that Calvin wins in Record breaking time!!! (the other competitors are doomed to a nasty fate)

- Dr. Blaine

The win goes to whoever is most psychotic and violent, and that has to be Calvin. Little kids are the biggest lunatics on the planet.

- Alter Ego

Of course Calvin's gonna win, he'll just pull out his transmorgifryer, and turn himself into an Allosaur. Then he'll turn the box over, go back in time and smash all the other competitors' legs before the tournament. If he can survive the onslaught of his parents and little suzy, he can take anything!

- Captain Stupendo

It's obvious that Calvin must win. Why? One word: Whiskey.

Being from the South, I understand the soft allure of Mr John Daniel a callin' my name. The contestants here will be no different. Nothing puts good people in a mellow mood like the Charcoal Mellowed Nectar Of The Gods (tm). Wait you say, "he only has a fifth!" Don't worry, my friend, like Jesus with the bread and fishes, the Duke never runs out of bullets and whiskey. It wont be long till every contestant is kickin' back against the plexy-glass, deep in a Misty Southern Slumber(tm).

Hold on, you insist, "why won't Calvin get sloshed along with 'em?" Why that's simple, Calvin's a minor. The six-gun totin' Mr Wayne wouldn't allow it (of course "The Quiet Man" Wayne would, but he never carried a gun so this is obviously not him). Come on, you may argue, "Jason is not going to kick back and drink Black Jack(tm)!" On this point I would have to give you props for your your poetic skills, but your point, while valid, will not change the outcome. See, Jason is what we Southerners like to call "a Weird Sombitch(tm)." Everyone knows that the worst possible thing you could do south of the Mason-Dixon line is "stand-out." With the rest of the group sippin' Tennesee's finest(tm), it won't be long 'till the lynchin' starts--yeehaa what a party!!

It'll go down like this: Bruce will take a few drinks, then pass out (he's Asian after all); Next goes the Hulk, after a few shots he calms down, turns into that David Banner (AKA: yankee boy) drinks a little more and is later heard mumbling something about mommy from the pool of vomit he's lying in (WORD TO THE WISE: SOUTHERN SAUCE DON'T LIKE NORTHERN TUMMIES- unless they're Canadian); Next goes Lara, of course when she faints her mini-skirt flys up, exposing her panties (hundreds of fan boys are killed when, in a mad rush to get to that side of the stadium, the max weight of the grandstands is exceeded--ratings skyrocket: Vince is thrilled); Next goes the Six-Million Dollar Man, since he is missing an arm and two legs his Blood Alcohol Count was off the charts; Spidey goes next, but not before stumbling naked around the arena screaming, "I AM TARANTULA MAN!!"; Zena falls next, and nobody cares or notices.

Mr Wayne, seeing that he's drinking alone with a man wearing a dress, retires in manly fashion, tippin' his hat low on his brow; Wallace, being a Scotsman, is guaranteed to be the last man standing. He pulls the bottle from the Duke's hand and wanders over to where the fanboys, crushed and bleeding, are still trying to drag themselves within view of Ms Croft. "So ya like lookin' at underpants do ya?" Wallace bellows. "Take a gawk at this then, ya flowered pansies!" Wallace lifts his kilt and empties the Garden--just before passing out.

Oblivious to all adult behavior, Calvin is simply thrilled that someone finally had the good sense to give him a motorbike.

- Ole Miss Law

My shredded wheat side wants me to vote for John Wayne, but my frosted side wants me to go with Braveheart. Any one who does (or does not) have his own Jihad (there is no Jihad) is worth my vote.

- Heidi

If a kid has survived numerous games of Calvinball with a man-eating tiger, how could he not win rollerball??

- Elle, the brunette

Well, SpiderMan or TV Hulk would win this except for one problem... CALVIN is not here... It's actually STUPENDOUS MAN!!! And Stupendous man could pull tricks to make Pre-Crisis Superman go "huh?" Also he's harder to keep down then a Rotwieler's weight in chinchuas, and has more AlterEgos than Star Wars has Fanboys... AND THEY ALL KICK BUTT!!! Well execpt Ordianary Calvin... And Heaven Help the opponents if Calvin finds a cardboard box. ;-)

- Nobody

First let us look at the sport itself-"Rollerball". A key component of this sport is rollerblading. As we all know, there are few people over thirty who can actually rollerblade without falling flat on their ass and breaking a vital part of their body (yes, there are exceptions, but admit it folks, there are not very many of them...)

Now let us look at the contestants. They are all thirty or over, except for

Hey! Look at this!!! Lara: 5'11 Bionic Man: 6'0 The Hulk: 7'9 Do you see any patterns? All these contestants are TALL! As any 9th grade physics student can tell you, when you're skating, it's better to have a lower center of gravity. Only one of the losers is under 3 feet tall. Within seconds, a Calvin-shaped blur has swept under everyone else and smashed them into the rollerball floor. Spidey lasts 3 whole passes with his superior balance, but his webbing is no match for the Duke's shotgun wielded by a 7-year-old. As an encore, Calvin proceeds to rid the world of the McMahon abomination by stabbing him through the chest with a 5-foot- broadsword. AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING (Yaaaay.)

- The Mad Josher

If such an event were able to take place, Spider Man is da man with the win. He has the speed, the strength, the agility, the street smarts, and the geek smarts to ace this one. Look at his competition. Calvin is a kid that looses to his toy tiger, a pushover. Braveheart, John Wayne and Xena won't be able to stand on rollerblades let alone move. The Hulk (if you can find roller blades big enough for his feet) though strong is not near agile enough to play a game like rollerball with the finese it requires. The Bionic Man by now, if he hasn't been having glitches from his pre-Y2K compliant bionics, should be a rust bucket by now. Lara Croft will not win because there is no artifact to find, so she has no motivation. The only serious competition to old WebHead is Bruce Lee. But even then a top martial artist is going to look slow and sloppy next to someone with the proportionate strength and agility of a spider. Chalk up a win for the Spider Man.

- CrawGator

It is the policy of the newly formed Mentos(tm) Jihad to make sure the coolest competitor wins. Therefore, we have LEGITIMATELY secured this match for Calvin, not because he's Mentos(tm) cool, but because he is best friends with Hobbes, the coolest (and cutest!) tiger ever. The Mentos(tm) Offical Jihad Policy also mandates short comments, due to the fact we don't want any nosy people reading over our shoulders as we type. It is also our policy to get a new keyboard, so we don't hit u every time we type juhad, we mean jihad.

- The Mentos(tm) Jihad Spokesperson

Regardless of any factors such as age, athletic ability, speaking ability, wrestling talent or crowd reaction, the one thing that you can always count on is the WWF featuring at least one Southern Hick in a major role (see Austin, Undertaker, Faruuq, Bradshaw, Rock [from Miami], etc.). Being the closest to such, the winner must be John Wayne.

- Adam B.

None of these people seem to have any problems about slicing up the competition or filling them full of holes. Calvin, however, begs his parents for a flamethrower, threatens Santa's life in his letters, and regularly fantasizes about taking out his entire school with a Tomahawk missile. Calvin is the crystallized incarnation of Pure Evil(TM). Since I know nothing of rollerball, I cannot surmise how he'll win, but be certain that his Rage(TM) will destroy everything in his path.

- Mr. Pink

Begin excerpt from pre-game show.
Howie: Hi, I'm Jesse Ventura.
Jesse: and I'm Howie Mandell.
::awkward pause as Jesse and Howie switch notecards::
Jesse: sorry, I'm Jesse Ventura
Howie: and I'm Howie Mandell. now that that's sorted out, have we got a match for you. Isn't that right, Jesse.
Jesse: That's right, you insufferable Bastard. tonight, we have a real Grudge Match(tm) in every sense of the word. all of the contestants tonight have been chosen to represent the best of the worst, and boy are they pissed. all of our competitors tonight have a chip on their shoulder and something to prove.
H: Indeed. but each of them is going to have to overcome their weaknesses if they hope to succeed tonight. take for example John Wayne. now, this is a real manly man, easily capable of taking down any of our other contestants. but, there's that eye patch.
J: true. without depth perception, he's done for. but now, let's go down for an in depth analysis of the match with our guest commentator, Bob Costas. Bob?
Bob: Thanks Jesse. Now, when it comes right down to it, the victor of this match will be decided by one factor. clones(tm). With enough clones(tm), you can apparently die hundreds of times, because there's always another one waiting in the wings. Now, this may look like a sure-fire victory for spider man, with his sordid, clone(tm) filled history, but wait... whats that sound? It's Bruce Lee with an army of clones(tm), courtesy of the 1977 classic The Clones(tm) of Bruce Lee, in which they not only make a carbon copy of the martial arts legend, they decide that while they're at it, why not make a few dozen? with their sheer numbers, coupled with Horrible Dubbing(tm), the clones(tm) of Bruce Lee are sure to be victorious. however, only one of them can be left standing at the end to officially win, but that's a story for another day... Back to you, Jesse.
Jesse: Thanks, Bob. we're going to break for a message from our sponsor, but stick around, because when we come back, we'll have a whole slew of washed up professional athletes who will attempt to give some useful insight on tonights event.
Howie: And fail miserably. So, Don't touch that dial.
end excerpt.

- kramertim

Sheesh... this is easy. Calvin has a transmogrifier, a great gig as Spaceman Spiff, a superhero gig going as Stupendous Man, mind powers (the ability to drive his parents and that Susie girl nuts), total invulnerability (as shown by the fact that he's gone over a cliff in a wagon numerous times), and Hobbes - the best sidekick in the group. And now, he's got spiked gloves and a motorbike. What does everyone else have? Some guns, some webbing, some fast flying kicks, a couple swords, and a big butcher knife. Calvin's total coolness comes through to win the match easy.

- Steve

Where's the "All mangled and killed by Bart, Robocop, Conan, Groundskeeper Willy, Freddy Krueger, Clint Eastwood, The Tick, Duke Nukem, Jackie Chan, and Popeye" button?

- Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

Austin's not gonna win because the WWF's Austin is gonna kick his arse for having the same name as him and look at that picture of Zena. Now we know where Chyna is... Except for that,I have no idea who is gonna win

- Ariana (Yes I am a wrestling fan)

I thought that it would be fitting if I wrote what my rendition of the ending would be like... (w/Jesse Ventura on as color commentary as well...)

Jesse Ventura: This game is turning into a battle royale! [editor's cut] Hulk hits the floor, and he's out! Spider Man shoots him with a web, and plasters Wallace against the walls! But wait, Spider Man accidentally got his hand stuck in the web as well! Here comes Jason, and Spider Man's gonna be feeling that one tomorrow...if he ever comes back to life!
Jason: If I risk my neck for you, will I get to kill teenagers?
Wallace: That was my friend, Jason. But yes, if you fight with me, you'll get to kill teenagers.
Jason: Excellent! Jason is my name...
Jesse Ventura: Calvin and Bionic Man are dueling it out! Bionic Man has Calvin pinned against the walls!
Bionic Man: I think it's time I finally gave you the punishment your parents should've given you when you were a child...
Jesse Ventura: WHOA! Calvin just pulled out his transmorgifier...and now Bionic Man is... is... A HORSE!
John Wayne: Yeehaw!
Jesse Ventura: John Wayne leaps on the horse, and now he's riding around, continuing his shootout with Lara Croft! OH NO! Wayne just ran over poor Croft! Croft's head was crushed in the assault, and now Wayne is riding his horse towards Wallace and Jason...NO!
Wallace: FREEDOM!
[editor's cut]
Jesse Ventura: And now it's down to Jason and Calvin! Calvin goes up to Jason, and it looks like there's going to be a fight...
Calvin: Thanks Hobbes...
Jesse Ventura: Calvin takes out the transmorgifier, and he changes Jason back to Hobbes, his tiger! This has been one big screw job! SO TYPICAL OF MCMAHON! CALVIN IS THE CHAMPION, AND MCMAHON HAS SCREWED US-
Calvin: Shhhh!
Jesse Ventura: And now I'm a chicken! I'm going to shut up now...

- Jimi Sinister

To get into the rhythm of the coming slaughter, the contestants set their sights on an easy kill first -- and that means Calvin. His motorcycle lets him evade for a while, but soon he is cornered and in desperate trouble.

"Hey," Calvin shouts, "you don't have to kill me!"

"But we must," Bruce Lee says, his lips moving out of synch. "This is a fight to the death. Those are the rules." "So change the rules. Hobbes and I do it all the time when we play Calvinball. We can all be on the same team." "But who would be our opponents?" William Wallace asks. Calvin looks up, toward the owner's box. "Duh." "The little tyke's right," drawls the Duke. "Let's get 'em!" He draws a cavalry bugle and blows "Charge". The glass front of the owner's box is blown in by a hail of bullets, hatchets, and a razor-edged frisbee. Steve Austin leaps up, followed by a web-swinging Spidey. The Hulk takes another approach, rampaging through the corridors of the arena and bursting through the door. Vince McMahon has his security detail in the box with him, but since they're all Star Trek redshirts, they were all slain by bullets, shards of flying glass, door splinters, and the chakram before they could do a thing. Vince tries to call for backup from NWO on his cellphone, but has it kicked out of his hands by Bruce. Calvin gets the honor of the first spiked-gloved blow, and soon the scene turns reminiscent of Murder On The Orient Express. (Your spoiler for the day: they all did it.) Some of the contestants leave Vince while he is still quivering feebly, to finish the job. Unforunately, the broadcast booth is empty by the time they arrive. Jesse Ventura remains on the loose -- and who knows what revenge he may wreak in time ...

- Call me Shane

Little known to Vince, Calvin and the others met in the locker room prior to the match. They had their own game plan... As the Rollerballers skate their way into the arena, they are met with great applause and cheer. They all circle around the arena and head straight for the exit. The audience is puzzled. Where can they be going? At his house in Springfield, Bart Simpson is throwing a party for all of his friends while his parents are out of town. All of his friends are there. The Tick and Duke Nukem are raiding Homer's beer supply. Freddy Krueger and Conan the Barbarian are watching TV. Groundskeeper Willie and Jackie Chan are having a muscle flexing competition. Robocop is keeping the peace while Popeye and Clint Eastwood have an intelluctual conversation.

Suddenly, there is a silence. Then, without warning, Calvin's motorcycle crashes through the window! Robocop and Jackie Chan (an undercover police officer) try to stop him, but Steve Austin and Bruce Lee sneak up from behind and take them out in a way too gruesome to describe online. When news of this carnage spreads through the house, the heroes step up. The Tick jumps in, only to land right in a trap set by The Amazing Spider-Man. The Wild Blue Yonder is out, but Duke Nukem decides to take things into his own hands. Just as he comes storming in, Lara Croft slams him with her, uh, "treasure chest". Groundskeeper Willie is taken out by William Wallace's broadsword as Clint Eastwood goes out fighting against The Duke. Conan is chopped up by Xena's chakram. Freddy, drunk off his @$$, gets sliced and diced by an enraged Jason. The Hulk literally crushes Popeye. The sailor's final words were "I yam what I yam...".

The Rollerballers have left. The only former champion left now is Bart. He lays in the middle of the destroyed living room floor, a wimpering mess. Just then, Calvin comes blaring in. He hops off his motorcycle, runs to the kitchen, and grabs the half-gallon of ice cream in the freezer. Before he leaves, he stands above Bart and says, "You'd better clean up this mess before your parents get home". Then he joined his fellow losers in their victory celebration.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

{*cough*} Ah, hello again, everyone. I'd just like to withdraw the comment I sent in on this match, about Rollerball being similar to Calvinball, and using this to support Calvin.

On hindsight... and this is really embarrassing for me to prove myself wrong... Calvin sucks at Calvinball. Hobbes easily counters anything he does. Whenever Calvin gets the ball, Hobbes just makes where he's standing the Opposite Zone, or the Hobbes Zone, or even the Chicken Dance Zone. I can even remember a time Hobbes made Calvin sing a poem to Suzy Derkins urging her to pour a bucket of water over his head... which she did, of course.

How terrible must Calvin be if he can't beat his own stuffed toy, which exists in his imagination and who most normal people would have control over, in a game where the rules are made on the fly, WHICH HE, HIMSELF, CREATED?!!?!? The fricking game's named after him, and all he needs to do is make Hobbes in an Anti-Hobbes Zone, or the Tiger-Season Zone! BUT HE DOESN'T!!!!! HE JUST LETS THAT GODDAMN ARROGANT TIGER GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!!!!!

... umm, well, anyway, I don't want to change my vote. I could whittle on with a long response, but the truth is... Calvin does not belong here.

- Mixmaster Flibble, pleased to have that off his chest

To determine the winner of this match, all we really have to do is analyze each contestant.

Calvin - Has never been in a fight in his life. And fighting with sunglasses didn't work for Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat, so I doubt it can work for the C-Meister either. But ultimately, as a cartoon, he is no match for his cartoon friend Spider-Man.

William Wallace - William's sword is tough, but you have to do more than slice up Jason to kill him. William will slice Jason through the stomache, and think he is dead. But as he is walking away, Jason will get up with superhuman strength, and give William Wallace a hair cut to remember when he joins his wife in the higher plains.

The Incredible Hulk - He is only "Incredible" when he is mad. And who can be mad with Calvin entertaining the masses? I know I can't. The Hulk is out too.

The Bionic Man - If anyone has ever seen the Tomb Raider movie, the opening scene depicts Lara Croft demolishing a super high-tech robot, equipped with all the goodies to dismantle our crypt exploring friend. But, Lara beat this up-to-date monster, so a machine who is a couple decades old shouldn't be a problem. Sorry Bionic, that's the way life if.

Jason - Jason's weapons and tactics or suprise won't do much damage to the Bionic Man, whom can't be hurt my mere knives, and can not be scared by someone jumping out of a dark corner either.

Xena - Yeah, she's a tough cookie, and she has some nice moves, but I don't think her yelling will detour Bruce Lee. Mr. Lee has some yells of his own, not to mention some moves this girl has never seen.

Lara Croft - Her sex appeal will do no good on Xena. Sure she still has her guns, but I think the yell that isn't effective against Bruce Lee will surely give this British bombshell an unpleasant surprise.

Bruce Lee - Speed is nice, and Bruce Lee has a lot of it. But so does the bee when compared to a human. It can fly, and it can sting, but the human will smash. Such is the story of Bruce Lee versus The Incredible Hulk. Speed won't cut it her, Lee.

Spider Man - He's a wuss with webbing. William Wallace will have his head in 20 seconds or my name isn't Sam. You see, Spider Man is all about traps with his webs and such. Wallace is famous for his trap- sniffing ability. This is a no-brainer.

John Wayne - By now everyone is dead. Wayne wins by default. Everyone kills everyone else, but The Duke doesn't even have to lift his hat off his sleeping brow to win. Now that is a true loser's victory.

- Sam Danger

Who says you can't put chihuahuas on rollerskates?

- Rincewind

Jason Voorhees: On parole from Hell, he surveys his competitors. Luckily for him his sister, the only one capable of finally ending his endless series of god awful movies, is not among them and he can be sure of victory. He may go down but he'll get back up no matter if you fry him, run him over, set him on fire, or otherwise mutilate him. When the match is over Jason, wins his own professional torturer in hell, instead of those ameturish group agony exercises.

- Puck1

Lara Croft: Xena throws her frisbee-thingy (TM) at her, but as she dodges it, she trips over Hulk's body and falls down, bounces back up and is decapitated by the Frisbee-thingy (TM). It is later discovered that this whole times she was only 3 basketballs in a tanktop and shorts (TM).

- Tom the Enchanter

I've got three real contenders here - Xena, Croft, and Calvin. All the others can be ruled out by one simple fact - they are men. Xena and Croft are well-stacked women. All other contestants predate female skater punks, women's Olympic hockey and movies where women kick ass thoroughly all over the pavement, meaning the women are safe from being pounded by these dense brawny males. What's more, their jiggling upper halves will leave the others stupefied and slack jawed. On the downside, the remaining three may slip in puddles of drool.

"But Calvin is male, too!" cry the ignorant hordes. Yes, but he has yet to hit that mindnumbing age where male downfall lies: puberty. Calvin is a mere boy of six, harbouring an intense dislike of the fairer sex, and will therefore be immune to their charms. What's more, he has no honour, and has no qualms with a fierce chomp to the ankle. It will be a fierce and brutal rage-in-the-cage, but the first to fall will be Croft. Her swift, acrobatic abilities will sustain her for a while, but her specialties are cursed tombs and living statues. She has almost no experience with hyperbratty children and frisbee hurling lesbians.

Next will be Calvin. While he will fight a woman fiercely, most of the women he knows consist of his mother and nextdoor neighboor, Suzy, both of whom are susceptible to water balloons and the attacks of his stuffed tiger, Hobbes. Xena will have no problem with either, as she must have competed in her share of wet T-shirt contests and wrestling with tigers is standard issue for the Warrior Princess. Having overcome the others, she will triumphantly bear the silver ball to her opponents' goal. Although not my favourite of the competitors, Xena is a clear winner.

- The Jester

Really, Calvin's got the edge. If comics have taught us anything, it's that he can manifest any weapon or talent he can think of, at least while his mind is in charge of his world. The only thing that interferes with this is if one of his parents poke their heads into the panel.

Which leads us to the observation ... this is the first free evening Calvin's folks have had in YEARS. Do you really think they're going to spend it with Calvin?

- Lou the Inscrutable

[This comes down to] Jason v.s. Calvin: Jason raises his knife to take down Calvin, when suddenly he gets a karate kick to the back of the head sending him stumbling forward, then he is lifted into the air by the FORCE, Yoda releases the force and lets Jason fall to the ground, Jason quivers in fear as Mike and the Bots riff him a new one, and he is unable to protect himself from being Thrown Helluva Far TM. Calvin stands bewildered and looks at the former TOC Champions and asks a simple question: "why?" Jackie Chan smiles and speaks "I owe your Tiger a favor." Champions watch out for their own people.

- Side Show Bob

None of these contestants can win in a match run by Vince McMahon. Anyone who has watched an episode of Smackdown knows that no match can end without interference. So the only true winners can be... the wrestlers! They are previous Grudge Match Losers, and Vince has bought himself total control over wrestling. This means Lita and Lara Croft will get into a Totally Hot Catfight(tm)with lots of stripping, the Hulk takes on Hulk Hogan, and Calvin and the Rock get into a feud that sets up the Calvinball main event for Wrestlemania X8. Oh yeah!

- Thrillhouse

You DO realize that by the time the viewer responses go up, Rollerball will already be on video, right?

- Infraggable Krunk

Let's see.... hmm, doesn't matter, no one going to WATCH the stupid thing anyway, so all that happens is, Vince loses 2,000,000 dollars on the thing, he gets laughed out of the next Billionaires Club meeting when he suggests Hardcore Figure skating, and the WWF goes bankrupt, ending the unrelentlous chanting of "What, what, what" and I will be freeeeeeee!

- The Angry Commentator

For some long but funny responses, head over to R4


Like Jesus with the bread and fishes, the Duke never runs out of bullets and whiskey.

- Ole Miss Law

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Brady Bunch v. Partridge Family (Roller Derby)
Wrestlers v. Boxers
WWWF Tournament Of Champions VI: The Running Men

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

Next Match: These are their stories
ETA: Monday, February 25th, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC