So, Steve, who will win this skirmish of scraggly scottish scourges?
And remember, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!! (tm)
Starting with the obvious, Wallace was a great warrior who killed many in battle with his own hands, even in the face of adversity. Often he wasn't able to see because of the masses of blue paint covering his face. Having to remember to speak with a Scottish accent all the time demanded painstaking concentration. Not to mention the airiness of his kilt was surely distracting. Even with all this working against him, he still defeated the British many times, and even bagged himself the Prince of England's hot french wife. He's a man who knows how to get what he wants.
On the other hand, we have Groundskeeper Willie, who is stuck as an elementary school janitor for chrissake! He's a clueless, incompetent moron. Bart, a measly fourth grade flunkie, has repeatedly made a mockery of him. He's exposed Willie to the world by lifting up his kilt, had him scoot through ductwork trying to catch his dog, and even joyrided in Willie's prized possession, his red tractor (Who Willie would marry "if it wirnt agint Gid's law").
Is there really a contest at all here? The way I see it, the two approach each other. As Wallace's horse passes by Willie's red beauty, his sword lops off Willie's head. Willie's head rolls on the ground and comes to a rest next to Duncan MacLeod's. This shiny tines of his Garden Weasel (tm) will spin no more.
BRIAN: Six weeks away and nothing's changed. You're still making my arguments for me. What makes a man a man? It's what's under his kilt, of course. When Wallace lifted up his skirt, even the British weren't all that impressed. But when Willie lifted up his kilt, people gasped and one woman keeled over in disbelief. What does that tell you, Steve? The man is hung like a racehorse! And with that comes a Secretariat-type level of testosterone, surely too much for Wallace to handle.
Let's look at training. Willie has 700 years of improvements in genetic selection (although that's probably minimal in Scotland) and conditioning techniques over Wallace. And, in reality, having been exposed to the ultimate evil of Bart will actually HELP Willie in preparing for this fight. Wallace, in contrast, has never even worked alone. He's always surrounded by 100s of other Scottish who continually bail him out just when he's about to get an axe in the back. Willie, in contrast, has been wrestling wolves and winning since he was a child. This almost doesn't seem fair.
Technology is also a consideration. Wallace won't have anything that Willie hasn't seen and possibly even used before. But what effect would a tractor have on Wallace? Or, more importantly, his horse, Muffins. Horses, especially movie horses, rear up at the slightest of noises and throw their riders to the ground. The rumbling of the many horses of Willie's tractor will cause Wallace's ONE horsepower to throw him and gallop back into the Mystery Spot, leaving Wallace very vulnerable. Why so vulnerable? Because one glimpse of that Garden Weasel will surely be enough to drive Wallace to uncontrollable fear and envious madness. Its gleaming edges. It's self-cleaning scissor-like action. Its 5-fold milling & tilling functionality. Its patented, extra-long, back-saving, EZ-Grip Handle (tm)! It's limited lifetime warranty!! IT'S TOO MUCH!!! With mouth agape in disbelief and incomprehension, Wallace is weaseled to a bloody goo. Again.
STEVE: First, your "under the kilt" analysis is hardly accurate. I'll give two examples showing this folly. First, there is Mike Tyson. He was once the heavyweight champion of the world, but anyone who has heard him speak knows that there can't be much down there. The second is an interview I saw on TV with Ron Jeremy, one-time porn star. Obviously endowed, but this guy is so fat that when he hauls ass, he has to make two trips. Clearly, there is no correlation, and thus we cannot draw a conclusion about Willie's manliness from the "kilt incident".
Second, it's funny you mention Wallace getting an axe in the back. If memory serves, Willie has been defeated several times by that very method. Once it was even done by Maggie, an infant who can't even walk (true, it was an alternate universe, but let's not get bogged down in details). This doesn't exactly show that Willie is a very formidable opponent.
Finally, the Red Beauty will be Willie's downfall. We've seen that it is, in fact, possessed by an evil spirit, who tempted Bart to ride it. And from that ride, it is also evident that it's as uncontrollable as Stephen Hawking in an electrical storm. While Willie is spending all his effort trying to manage the beast, Wallace can bide his time, picking his moment to lop off Willie's head, and then produce a sequel movie that's even worse than Highlander II.
BRIAN: First of all, NOTHING is worse or could ever be worse than Highlander II. Your repeated hyperboles only serve to discredit your arguments further, something I did not think possible.
Second of all, your analysis of my "Under the kilt" analysis is what is really inaccurate. Tyson's voice is proof of nothing. Do you expect us to believe that there's a relation between the size of a man's genitalia and his voice, but NOT between the size of same and his manliness? Sorry, Steve, but no sale. Tyson, despite his voice, has shown time-and-time again that he is full of diva-slapping, ear-chomping testosterone, thus proving that he is hung til Tuesday. And as far as your Ron Jeremy example, if true, I'll just have to dismiss it as the exception that proves the rule. I can't comment further as I pride myself on my lack of knowledge of male porn stars.
And the examples you give of Willie being struck with an axe in the back only serves to strengthen his case. The man has been butchered time and again, yet keeps coming back, much like a Timex (tm). Clearly, Willie is immune to any type of attack that Wallace could hand out. Wallace, however, has shown that he is not immune to a good butchering. He's only been through that once, and the only place he's coming back is on a commemorative Scottish stamp or a cheesy tabloid headline (Kathy Lee: "Wallace ghost fathered my child").
And what of your obvious contradictions? First, you claim that Willie wants to marry his tractor, but then you claim that he cannot control it! This makes no sense! The fact that he wants to marry it is proof that he can control it. It's well established that men don't marry things that they cannot control... Oh, hi honey... No, you don't need to read that... Wait! It's not what you think! Let me expl-
Disclaimer: We realize that Groundskeeper Willie is a cartoon, and thus it could be argued he is invincible when up against a mortal like William Wallace. But realize, also, that Wallace is a Hollywoodified Legend (tm), and thus equally as invincible.
Thanks to Justin Kolb for suggesting this match-up.
Extra-special thanks to our own Nate Robinson for his
invaluable services in the production of the animated GIFs.
The Grudge Match has been overrun with illegal votes from an unexplained source at Georgia Tech. It is unknown at this time if it is the act of a lone Braveheart fanatic or the work of a small militant faction of the feared Braveheart Jihad (tm). Their demands at this time are not known. Regardless, the 1679 Wallace votes were thrown out, and Brian & Steve have gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie.
A note to the terrorist(s): WHY? We could understand if it was Star Wars, or Star Trek, or even X-Files. But Braveheart???!!!!
UPDATE!: A Letter From The Terrorists has arrived!
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William "Bill" Wallace - two words, face paint. Everyone knows that wearing face paint makes you nearly invincible. Why do you think the Army Rangers smear that nasty smelling stuff on their face when they take the field? Make-up? No, there is something primal and savage about face paint. Don't believe me? Try for yourself; rent a copy of "Braveheart" and "Zulu", strip to the waist, carry a large spear, and paint your face with your kids' finger paints. Immediately, you will feel the power of a thousand primitive ancestors surge through your body, and you will know that nothing - NOTHING - can stop you, not even the insidious laughter of your asinine family.
Groundskeeper Willie - easily, his job. Steve's comments notwithstanding, elementary school janitors are, by far, the scariest people on the face of the Earth. These are the ones who live in a corner of the boiler room in the basement of the run-down elementary school and mumble to themselves as they plod through the school at odd times on whatever errand drives them. They are the ones about whom you always hear in an interview on the evening news, "He was always a quiet man...kept to himself most of the time." You speak of RAGE[tm]? Who has the rage except a man who has spent the last 30 years of his life getting paid minimum wage to clean up the puke of a bunch of snot-nosed kids who will never remember his name? What is the tyranny of the British when compared to that?
These factors would seem to effectively cancel each other out. So we need to review the contestant's past enemies to get a good indication of their combat performance.
Bill Wallace has spent his life fighting against a man named 'Longshanks' [Butthead, "Huhuhu, he said, 'long shanks'": Beavis, "Yea. Hehehe. What's a shank?": Butthead, "Shut up, buttmunch"]. Now, Longshanks gained his military experience fighting the French, who as the Germans can testify, are about as easy to conquer as a Times Square steetwalker. The fact that it took years to win against this nation of chain-smoking, nasal-whining misfits isn't a great indorsement of Longshanks military cunning, nor, by association, of Bill's fighting ability. And, let's not forget that at the end of "Braveheart", Bill LOST!
Now Groundskeeper Willie finds himself face-to-face on a daily basis with Bart Simpson, the most pernicious, evil, conniving demonspawn ever to entertain a generation of children. Bart "Mephisto" Simpson, has brought the fear of eternity to his family, his school, his town, and even the hearty natives of the land down under. Anyone who can stand against such an enemy is not going to be put down by someone who is used to slap-fighting a geriatric tea-sipper.
So my vote is for Groundskeeper Willie, who will be able to beat Bill Wallace, and polish off his hagis before his lunch break is over.
Willie turns Wallace's moment of confusion to his advantage, pushing his Garden Weasel™ through his opponents skull and devouring his steed with his shiny red monster of an automotive fetish, his outlandish and stereotypical gibberish of an accent winning out over Williams thought out stage dialect.
'Twas a peaceful day in Springfield
'round ye ol' mystery spot
"where logic takes a holiday...
and nature's laws are not."
When bagpipes began blaring,
with loud unholy force,
and a child was heard screaming,
"It's Mad Max on a horse!"
Mel Gibson slowly drew his sword,
"Oscar" was its name,
and faced the greasy janitor,
who'd come to play the game.
"I'm looking now for Willie,"
bellowed the Aussie git,
"who rides the devil's mower,
and thinks he's such hot shit."
"rit har, ya kilted fairy,"
growled the whiskery knight,
as he revved his mighty mower,
and raised his weasel to the light.
"I din care aboot yur oscars,
ur your mountins o'movie cash.
Y'aint a kosher Scot,
an' i'm gin ta whup yer ass."
Freshly greased by doris,
Willie sat up tall,
Homer ate bad chili,
and rushed into a stall
Wallace put on makeup,
and straightened out his skirt
the slackjawed throng was ready...
for someone to get HURT.
IN CHARGED THE MIGHY STEEDS!
MOWER CLASHED WITH HORSE!
THAT WUSS DUNCAN MaCLEOD
LOST HIS PUNY HEAD, of course.
THE BLOOD, IT FLOWED LIKE RIVERS,
ACROSS THE VALLEY'S GRASSY NAP!
Mike Myers sold the souvenirs,
"'cause if it's not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!"
when the dust clouds finally cleared,
from the scotsmen's bloody rumba,
the pretty boy lay in gory tatters
and a kid yelled, "Aye Carumba!"
With the Handsome head in hand,
Willie slouched off to the door
of Springfield Elementary,
To wash and wax the floors.
How on earth could grand Mel Gibson fall,
to a scruffy, balding goon?
Well, it's like Eddie Valiant said,
"Ya just can't kill a toon."
- Justin Kolb
- Independence - Eternal Enemy of Pseduo History...and El Squid
VULNERABILITY: Wallace may be a Hollywoodized hero, but they are vulnerable to death as long as it is poignant and drawn out. Willie is both a cartoon (enough in itself!) and a minor character on _The Simpsons_, which never die unless the audience dislikes them or the actress/actor who is their voice dies. Advantage: Willie; this point dedicated to Doris Grau.
INTELLIGENCE: Wallace thought up brilliant ways to ambush the British, while Willie thought up ways to videotape couples in cars. Advantage: Wallace.
POPULARITY: Wallace is a hero to millions of American women. Willie is the embittered victim of "Scotchtoberfest". Advantage: Wallace.
HILARITY: Wallace is always either grim, determined, or remorseful. Willie is always funny (though never intentionally on his part). Advantage: Willie.
HISTORICAL ACCURACY: Willie is a Scottish immigrant in America (albeit an illegal one); there have been millions of Scottish immigrants to America. No problem here. Wallace, on the other hand, made it with a hot French babe who was approximately 3 years old at this point in history (Check if you don't believe me). Advantage: Willie.
- Josh "Mmm...something" King
Instinctively, both Scots fall to fits of "... Ah cannae duit ... Ah've goot to huv moor time ..."
Unable to resist anything in a kilt, Kirk ... pauses, then proceeds to seduce both men, only to be beaten up by them, insecure as they are about their masculinity.
Bloody and swollen, Kirk can be heard whispering, "... no ... beach ... to walk on ..."
- Michael Leung
His opponent, on the other hand, has died as Wallace, died as Hamlet, and taking a severe pounding as Martin Riggs (which, if Willie was shooting bullets, would give him the edge since he is obviously immune to gunfire). But we're not talking bullets here.
Besides, ya' gotta give the nod to the guy who shouted.... "Grease me up woman, I'm goin' in!"
- Doc B
Hit by the Light of Truth(TM) both Wallace and Willie team up with Stewart, Scotty from Star Trek, Sean Connery, and the Scottish guy from Ren & Stimpy and they all start pummeling everyone with golf clubs... Until they get nuked and only Groundskeeper Willie manages to dig himself out from the rubble.
- Evets the Grand Orez
- Cathy Laughlin
- Dom Vietti
Wallace sees the big red tractor, which enrages him, because everyone knows that red is the Britich color. He charges madly; Willie does the same. Wallace forces his horse to charge straight into the tractor, resulting in a cruel and awful bloody mess (though in actuality no horses would be harmed in the filming of this scene). Willie, appalled into sputtering inaction, will be so horrified that he will forget to defend himself for a few crucial seconds (I've seen him do this in a few episodes). And those few seconds are all that Wallace needs to eliminate poor Groundskeeper Willie (most likely with a sword in the back).
We shall all mourn his passing.
- Carey Cauthen
Wallace was willing to give his life for Scotland. Willie ran away to America.
Wallace is a leader of men. Willie's boss is Seymour Skinner.
Wallace planned stategies for battles. Willie tried to dig the grave for a guinea pig in the school basement. The cement-floored school basement.
Willie is one of my favorite characters from the Simpsons, but this one isn't even close.
In short, Wallace fights for Scots. Willie fights for Scotch.
PS: If Wallace is truly "the man who kicked the English out of Scotland," will someone please explain to me why "modern" Scotland is STILL a part of the British Empire?
- Bill Lindich
Sadly (or something to that effect), I do not have a William Wallace
trading card. Let me see if I can find a substitute. Hmmm. He’s
Scottish. (Nope, I don’t have a Rowdy Roddy Piper card.) He fought
the British. (Cha! Who didn’t?) He mooned people. A-HA! That’s
[more shuffling noises]
Found it! My "Cornholio" trading card. (I knew buying all those Beavis and Butt-head cards would pay off.) Anywho, on the back of the Cornholio card, Beavis/Cornholio is quoted as saying "I am Cornholio. I need teepee for my bunghole!" Aside from being sage advice, it also may give us a little insight into William Wallace’s life and desires. You see, Wallace wasn’t really mooning the British—he was simply demonstrating one of the needs of the Scottish people. ("I am Braveheartio. I need T. P. for my bunghole!") Obviously, Braveheart inspired the invention of toilet paper. Not only was he a great warrior and a great leader, he also inspired an extremely valuable commodity in today’s society.
Clearly, the winner in this scenario is William "Braveheart" Wallace.
Now, if anyone has one of those rare Charlie cards from the Charlie’s Angels series, I’ll trade you a Kermit the Frog, an Eric Clapton, and an autographed "Nature Boy" Ric Flair for it. (Jeepers! I don’t have a life on so many levels!)
- Mark Wentz
- Looking for a job at Area 51. Kendall T. Brown
"Every man dies... but not every man really lives." booms Wallace over the cheering army.
"Ild bear my (Garden) Weasel for yew, Wallace." screams Willie.
Secondly, I don't remember a "Groundskeeper Willie" show. It's obvious that Willie is always bested by a Simpson. Thus, the show is named "Simpsons." Although Wallace was executed at the end of the story, the movie was still titled "Braveheart."
P.S. I wouldn't pay the $69.95 pay-per-view for this match up!
Braveheart School of Acting.
For Mel, as an actor, it takes a serious amount of talent, guts, and raw emotion to strap on the Catholic school girls (in trouble (TM)) outfit, cover yourself in stage blood, wave your 4 foot phallic sword in the air over your tangled, knappy ass hair, and give your best imitation of the Chewbacca (TM) scream.
What does Willie have behind him? Writers like Conan O'Brian. Voices like Phil Hartman. Willie's in worse shape than a stutterer in a cattle auction. Worse than an epileptic in a room full of sewing needles and strobe lights. Worse than...(who else can I offend?)
Willie's gonna get beat like a Red-headed stepchild.
- Jeff the Kilt wearin' Scotch drinkin' Bagpipe playin' Bar fightin' MacDonald's Eatin' Jack O' the Aluminum Siding
It is the Rage(tm)and violence of Mad Max(tm), and berzerk fighting ability of the Lethal Weapon(tm) that, combined with William Wallace and the Sexiest Man Alive, will allow him to win handily. You see, the key is Willie's . . . unusual sexuality. He loves a freakin' tractor. He will be so stunned by Wallaces god like visagen that he will be thrown into a state of sexual confusion long enough to allow William Wallace a handy victory.
- Big Silly
Everyone knows that Scotsmen only really hold a Grudge(TM) against the English (not British!). Willie and William meet in the middle of the Mystery Spot(TM), sit down and proceed to drink beer and sing about killing the English until they pass out. This is what Scotsmen are really good at, I should know, I am one.
Sorry, no contest!
P.S. I have to agree with Brian. It is IMPOSSIBLE for ANY film to be worse than 'Highlander II', not even 'The Never Ending Story' was that bad.
The Scottish have done nothing in the next umpteen years but they still brag about they're victory, it means the world to them, it shows them they are not complete losers. Anyway when Groundkeeper Willie realises who he's up against (and who can fail with all that makeup), he'll prostrate on the ground and immediatly surrender to the only Scot who has ever won anything above tiddly winks.
(Two options then could happen, either Wallace promptly maces Willie with his huge morning star. Or he takes the oppertunity to give a four hour speech and Willie will eventually pitchfork him. I'd say the odds are about 50/50)
Have you ever seen your elementary janitor? He's one person you don't want to mess with. At my school, they had a guy named Tony Degirolamo, one from the old country. While he was nowhere near physically threatening, everyone stayed away from him. He could be a mean guy.
Also, William has the good fortune of being loved by two babes, his late wiffe and the French princess. Willie is forbidden by his religion to marry the one true love of his life, his tractor. Why would he want to marry a tractor anyway? Because of all the rejection from Scot lasses. Hence, pent-up sexual frustration, a tonic that works wonders in any good Grudge Match.
Willie has been killed before, and has COME BACK, mind you, to haunt Springfield children's minds a la Elm Street. A historical hero, no matter how much he has been Hollywoodified, cannot compare to Wes Craven's twisted 80s plots.
Thus, Willie throws Wallace into the dreaded spot, of which Ozzie [Smith] has never returned. His parting scream: "Give me back my Oscar!" (or some Mad Max quote, I'm not picky...)
- Vlad the Wonder Hamster, going to Another Roadside Attraction...Woo Hoo!
(NOTE: This author has no secret desires to be merged with a tractor.)
Chalmers: SKINNER!!!!! WHAT is that Scotsman doing staggering around the playground soaked in blood?????
Skinner: Uh...Well Sir, he's reenacting a famous Scottish battle.
Chalmers: Then why aren't any of the students out watching it?
Skinner: There's no more respect for history, Sir. I'll put everyone in detention.
- L. Wilkes
- Guy T.
Groundskeeper Willie: Och! Ah nooo kinna fightya Wollice, what withye being a Scott, and a monly wun ot thot... William Wallace: Aye, en' I dinna noo how I kinna tussle with ye, forye be the sem mesure ofa man, onnacounta ye oonin' thot fine trokter... G.W.: Aye, she bay a bonnie lass... W.W.: Wotye seh we slep our daymons under the kilt (Official made-up Ancient Scottish saying (tm)) en goo get sum haggus? G.W.: Och laddie! Ye bee rayding me mind! I was haverin' for sum meeself... W.W.: Und layter,wee cinna goo pay that Sean Connery lad a visit, and kluteth hem a heftee bloo 'pon his noggin'... G.W.: Sher! Hays binna oskin' forit sence hee sold oot to the Brets by pleyin that spoi with the noombers en his nem... And so, Willie and Wallace walk off into a plaid sunset, with bagpipes playing in the background...
- Budo of the MacGreggor clan.
So let's compare William with Willie:
1: Dress and Attire
William almost always wears a kilt whereas I have only seen Willie in a kilt once or twice
William lives in Scotland, Willie lives in Springfield. However this could be any of the several million Springfields around the world, and it could very well be Springfield, Scotland. I'm going to have to call this one a draw on the grounds of the ambiguity as to where Springfield is.
William, I'm sure observes all Scottish Holidays, but Willie isn't even Scottish enough to realize there is no such thing as Scotchtoberfest (TM?)
William 2.5 over Willie 0.5
- Anonymous (I hope that's spelled right)
- Rena McD
What are you kidding? Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman is a real guy!
- Stand by Me
- Brian P. Dunn
Chalk up one for primary education!
- Gregory Smith
Here's how I see it:
After months of training with his Thigh Master(tm), Abflexor(tm) and Soloflex(tm) and feeding on nutritious (and delicious) snacks curtesy of his Ronco Deluxe Food Dehydrator(tm), Automatic Pasta and Sausage Maker(tm), Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer(tm), Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler(tm) and the Popiel Bagel Cutter(tm) Willie will be in great shape and ready for the fight. What's Wallace been doing, living in pre-socialized medicine Scotland eating spoiled food. Not much of a match so far.
But wait! There's more!
As soon as Willie spots Wallace he'll nail him with his set of Ginsu(tm) knives. Not only can they cut through a steel can (so much for Wallace's sword) they also work great as throwing weapons, let us not forget the Complete Set(tm) of steak knives. Of course if that doesn't finish him off the Garden Weasel(tm) will.
This fight is going to be over before it starts. By the time Wallace knows what's hit him (as he looks on from the hereafter) Willie will be relaxing by the Springfield resevoir reading Salesman Of The Century(tm), styling with his new hairdo thanks to the GLH Formula Number 9 Hair System(tm) and pulling three eyed fish out of the resevoir with his Popiel Pocket Fisherman(tm)
end of story
- Colin "I'm not really a CS major, but I play one on TV" Johnson
- Name Whithheld by Request -- methinks the Scots would kill me!
- Nobe Scottsman
It's bleedin' obvious, William... Willie... The creators of the Simpsons have to be refering to the historical Scottish hero. How many Scottish willies are there?
Moreover, Willie has been deported, humiliated, and put to the limits of his endurance countless times. Yet he always comes back.
How many times has Wallace been dead? One. It's been six hundred years, and he finally decides to show up?! And because of a time anomaly? That's not very manly.
Who killed him in the first place? The British. Oh, hold me, the British are going to get me. I'm shaking. No, Wallace is a loser, pure and simple. And he's par for the course against Willie.
- Mike Smith
The final analysis? On Halloween, Wallace's claymore runs Willie through in 7 seconds flat, giving the stricken groundskeeper but the chance for one more Scots-burred quip. Any other day of the year, however, the buff and battle-ready Willie puts Wallace down in an epic battle encompassing 30 minutes (minus 8 for commercials) and wrecking most of Springfield. In the end, Wallace, broken and bleeding from numerous garden-implement inflicted cuts, gives an impassioned speech about freedom on the steps of the Quik-E-Mart before giving up the ghost.
- John H. Brunkhart
For a moment you had me going there Brian with your arguements about Willie's endowment, but then you blew it with your next arguement, claiming that he had 700 years of genetic improvment over Wallace. Genetic improvement, in SCOTLAND??? Lets take a look at Scotland then and now.
Wallace's Scotland, a brutal, barren wasteland where the Scottish clans would only take time out from fighting each other to kick some British ass. Not a place conducive to a long life, but it did produce tough bastards.
Willie's Scotland, a sad, provincial backwater territory which is only allowed to stay part of the United Kingdom so the British can make fun of how they speak, its Great Britain's Appalachia. In fact when you look at it, its really worse, because Scotland is the only territory the British have been able to hold on to. They lost the American colonies, they lost India, they lost South Africa, they lost Egypt, hell they couldn't even hold on to most of Ireland, they've lost everything and yet they still hold on to Scotland. This tells us two things, just how far the British Empire has fallen, and that the Scotland of today is nothing.
However, just in case that isn't enough to convince you, lets take a quick look at Willie himself. Now losing to Bart is really no shame, Bart regularily beats much greater opponents than Willie, opponents such as Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob and even the great Calvin (although I would really like a recount on that one). But look at what else Willie goes through. He is a virtual slave of Principal Skinner, and the only defiance he shows is an occasional muttered insult, usually said under his breath, so he won't have to risk Skinner's wrath (remember Skinner was a green beret, and he fought off the mighty legions of Disney, so I'm sure he could kick Willie's ass) Even worse is that Willie has often been regularily defeated by the Springfield Police, the worse cops in America. He's been arrested for public leaf burning and was the only person in the entire city that was deported for being an illegal alien. If Willie can't even disembowel Chief Wiggum how can he possibly be expected to beat William Wallace.
- Brendan W. Guy
Upon viewing Willie undergo his transformation, Weeny Wallace(tm) suddenly remembers leaving the kettle on the harth back home. Muffins rears up in terror from the Damned Sight(tm) before her, and flee into the Mystery Spot(tm), with Wallace goading her on with threats of glue and violin strings.
- Sailor Squasher (Splat!)
Wallace soon comes to and is greeted by an unusual site, a bronze
figure, slick with grease, stands over him. Before he can shout
"FREEDOM!" he's in a wrestling hold that Hulk Hogan would be proud of.
Willie and Wallace become locked in a tremendous struggle, each trying
to gain some sort of advantage. A crowd forms and words of encourage
can be heard.
"Pull Willie, pull!" Principle Skinner yells.
"I am pullin' you pansy sniffin', poodle walker!" responds Willie.
Seconds later Willie and Wallace are lying against a tree. Wallace looks like someone just beat him silly with a Whoop Ass stick (TM). "Don't feel bad Wallace, I've been wrestlin' wolves since I was knee high to your mother's teet." (TM)
- Stallion 97
- Good Point
- A Wallace admirer.
- Chuck Delgado
Wallace: I've been waiting ferrrrrrr you Willie, now it's time to show you how a warrrrrriorrrrrr poet fights.
Willie: You winey little, blue-faced, dead women loving bastarrrd. You want a piece of me? Then.. RRRRRRRRoll up the RRRRRRRim to win!
Wallace drops his sword and runs.
If ye feel yer alone, an loif is gittin ye lonely, ye kin always go..
I ask you truly...Can Braveheart ever hope to match that??? Of course not! Millions of adoring women will soon be begging to apply grease to Willie's pecs, while Wallace shamefully tries to remove the blue from his face.
- 1/2 Nelson
Fact: Groundskeeper Willie's past is shrouded in mystery.
Fact: William Wallace's ultimate fate is unknown. (Mel dramatized his death, sure - but like you said: Hollywood legend)
Fact: Groundskeeper Willie's last name? Unknown.
Fact: Willie is short for WILLIAM.
Conclusion: Grounskeeper Willie, is in fact......AN AGING WILLIAM WALLACE TRANSPORTED THROUGH TIME TO SPRINGFIELD, CIRCA 1990 AD.
This being the case, the usual time/space paradoxes will apply. Groundskeeper Willie cannot kill Wallace, for in doing so, he kills an earlier version of himself, and therefore will upset the balance of space/time. Wallace cannot slay Groundskeeper Willie, for in doing so, he also will upset the balance of space/time by living past the moment of his own death (Wallace is in the future, remember? If he were in his own time, there would be no problem, but you guys had to place him at the Springfiled Mystery Spot....)
We come to the conclusion that neither of these gentlemen can defeat the other without causing major problems to the order of the universe. Knowing this, Wallace will refuse to kill his future self. Groundskeeper Willie, however, (having lost more than 64% of his brain cells by this point) will have no such compuntctions, and promptly slays Wallace, causing gigantic rifts in the very fabric of reality. As the universe begins to twist in upon itself, destroying every last vestige of physical order, Groundskeeper Willie will be heard to mutter: "now whare in tha bloody 'ell did ah put me 'aggus?"
If you liked this match, check out these other past
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Mad Max v. Snake Plissken
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