World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

It's noon at the Springfield Mystery Spot (tm). Several visitors and tourists are milling about, pondering the possible whereabouts of Ozzie Smith. Suddenly, out of the spinning void wafts a cacophony of bagpipe music. A bekilted medieval warrior in blue war paint rides out, sword at his side. From the opposite side of the field a rival bagpipe plays and a lone, overall-clad figure on a flame-red lawn tractor rolls into view. The combatants stare at each other from across the field. William "Braveheart (tm)" Wallace, the man who drove the English from Scotland, and Groundskeeper Willie, the stalwart lawn-tender of Springfield Elementary, pause in anticipation. Wallace has journeyed across time and space to settle an ancient clan dispute. Willie tears off his shirt and turns to his weapon, a tempered steel Garden Weasel, "C'mon, Lassie. We'v git uh skor ta settel." With spine-tingling war cries, the two raise their weapons and charge their mighty steeds towards each other, crushing several people in their paths. This week's Simpsons guest voice, Duncan Macleod, is caught in between the combatants and instantly beheaded.

So, Steve, who will win this skirmish of scraggly scottish scourges?

And remember, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!! (tm)

William Wallace, Braveheart Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons

William Wallace


Groundskeeper Willie

The Commentary

STEVE: Although Simpsonmania (tm) will probably reign supreme, and people will blindly vote for Groundskeeper Willie, I'll cast away the shackles of popularity and choose the clear victor, William Wallace. There are simply too many reasons to choose him over this cartoon buffoon.

Starting with the obvious, Wallace was a great warrior who killed many in battle with his own hands, even in the face of adversity. Often he wasn't able to see because of the masses of blue paint covering his face. Having to remember to speak with a Scottish accent all the time demanded painstaking concentration. Not to mention the airiness of his kilt was surely distracting. Even with all this working against him, he still defeated the British many times, and even bagged himself the Prince of England's hot french wife. He's a man who knows how to get what he wants.

On the other hand, we have Groundskeeper Willie, who is stuck as an elementary school janitor for chrissake! He's a clueless, incompetent moron. Bart, a measly fourth grade flunkie, has repeatedly made a mockery of him. He's exposed Willie to the world by lifting up his kilt, had him scoot through ductwork trying to catch his dog, and even joyrided in Willie's prized possession, his red tractor (Who Willie would marry "if it wirnt agint Gid's law").

Is there really a contest at all here? The way I see it, the two approach each other. As Wallace's horse passes by Willie's red beauty, his sword lops off Willie's head. Willie's head rolls on the ground and comes to a rest next to Duncan MacLeod's. This shiny tines of his Garden Weasel (tm) will spin no more.

BRIAN: Six weeks away and nothing's changed. You're still making my arguments for me. What makes a man a man? It's what's under his kilt, of course. When Wallace lifted up his skirt, even the British weren't all that impressed. But when Willie lifted up his kilt, people gasped and one woman keeled over in disbelief. What does that tell you, Steve? The man is hung like a racehorse! And with that comes a Secretariat-type level of testosterone, surely too much for Wallace to handle.

Let's look at training. Willie has 700 years of improvements in genetic selection (although that's probably minimal in Scotland) and conditioning techniques over Wallace. And, in reality, having been exposed to the ultimate evil of Bart will actually HELP Willie in preparing for this fight. Wallace, in contrast, has never even worked alone. He's always surrounded by 100s of other Scottish who continually bail him out just when he's about to get an axe in the back. Willie, in contrast, has been wrestling wolves and winning since he was a child. This almost doesn't seem fair.

Technology is also a consideration. Wallace won't have anything that Willie hasn't seen and possibly even used before. But what effect would a tractor have on Wallace? Or, more importantly, his horse, Muffins. Horses, especially movie horses, rear up at the slightest of noises and throw their riders to the ground. The rumbling of the many horses of Willie's tractor will cause Wallace's ONE horsepower to throw him and gallop back into the Mystery Spot, leaving Wallace very vulnerable. Why so vulnerable? Because one glimpse of that Garden Weasel will surely be enough to drive Wallace to uncontrollable fear and envious madness. Its gleaming edges. It's self-cleaning scissor-like action. Its 5-fold milling & tilling functionality. Its patented, extra-long, back-saving, EZ-Grip Handle (tm)! It's limited lifetime warranty!! IT'S TOO MUCH!!! With mouth agape in disbelief and incomprehension, Wallace is weaseled to a bloody goo. Again.

STEVE: First, your "under the kilt" analysis is hardly accurate. I'll give two examples showing this folly. First, there is Mike Tyson. He was once the heavyweight champion of the world, but anyone who has heard him speak knows that there can't be much down there. The second is an interview I saw on TV with Ron Jeremy, one-time porn star. Obviously endowed, but this guy is so fat that when he hauls ass, he has to make two trips. Clearly, there is no correlation, and thus we cannot draw a conclusion about Willie's manliness from the "kilt incident".

Second, it's funny you mention Wallace getting an axe in the back. If memory serves, Willie has been defeated several times by that very method. Once it was even done by Maggie, an infant who can't even walk (true, it was an alternate universe, but let's not get bogged down in details). This doesn't exactly show that Willie is a very formidable opponent.

Finally, the Red Beauty will be Willie's downfall. We've seen that it is, in fact, possessed by an evil spirit, who tempted Bart to ride it. And from that ride, it is also evident that it's as uncontrollable as Stephen Hawking in an electrical storm. While Willie is spending all his effort trying to manage the beast, Wallace can bide his time, picking his moment to lop off Willie's head, and then produce a sequel movie that's even worse than Highlander II.

BRIAN: First of all, NOTHING is worse or could ever be worse than Highlander II. Your repeated hyperboles only serve to discredit your arguments further, something I did not think possible.

Second of all, your analysis of my "Under the kilt" analysis is what is really inaccurate. Tyson's voice is proof of nothing. Do you expect us to believe that there's a relation between the size of a man's genitalia and his voice, but NOT between the size of same and his manliness? Sorry, Steve, but no sale. Tyson, despite his voice, has shown time-and-time again that he is full of diva-slapping, ear-chomping testosterone, thus proving that he is hung til Tuesday. And as far as your Ron Jeremy example, if true, I'll just have to dismiss it as the exception that proves the rule. I can't comment further as I pride myself on my lack of knowledge of male porn stars.

And the examples you give of Willie being struck with an axe in the back only serves to strengthen his case. The man has been butchered time and again, yet keeps coming back, much like a Timex (tm). Clearly, Willie is immune to any type of attack that Wallace could hand out. Wallace, however, has shown that he is not immune to a good butchering. He's only been through that once, and the only place he's coming back is on a commemorative Scottish stamp or a cheesy tabloid headline (Kathy Lee: "Wallace ghost fathered my child").

And what of your obvious contradictions? First, you claim that Willie wants to marry his tractor, but then you claim that he cannot control it! This makes no sense! The fact that he wants to marry it is proof that he can control it. It's well established that men don't marry things that they cannot control... Oh, hi honey... No, you don't need to read that... Wait! It's not what you think! Let me expl-

Disclaimer: We realize that Groundskeeper Willie is a cartoon, and thus it could be argued he is invincible when up against a mortal like William Wallace. But realize, also, that Wallace is a Hollywoodified Legend (tm), and thus equally as invincible.

Thanks to Justin Kolb for suggesting this match-up.

Extra-special thanks to our own Nate Robinson for his
invaluable services in the production of the animated GIFs.

The Results

Groundskeeper Willie (3730)


William Wallace (2174)

The Grudge Match has been overrun with illegal votes from an unexplained source at Georgia Tech. It is unknown at this time if it is the act of a lone Braveheart fanatic or the work of a small militant faction of the feared Braveheart Jihad (tm). Their demands at this time are not known. Regardless, the 1679 Wallace votes were thrown out, and Brian & Steve have gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie.

A note to the terrorist(s): WHY? We could understand if it was Star Wars, or Star Trek, or even X-Files. But Braveheart???!!!!

UPDATE!: A Letter From The Terrorists has arrived!

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Voter Comments


This will surely go down in the 'Anals [sic] of History' (c, Time-Life Books) as one of the greatest personal conflicts of all time, right alongside the famous duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, and the cat fight between Rue Paul and Dennis Rodman. So what do the various combatants have going for them?

William "Bill" Wallace - two words, face paint. Everyone knows that wearing face paint makes you nearly invincible. Why do you think the Army Rangers smear that nasty smelling stuff on their face when they take the field? Make-up? No, there is something primal and savage about face paint. Don't believe me? Try for yourself; rent a copy of "Braveheart" and "Zulu", strip to the waist, carry a large spear, and paint your face with your kids' finger paints. Immediately, you will feel the power of a thousand primitive ancestors surge through your body, and you will know that nothing - NOTHING - can stop you, not even the insidious laughter of your asinine family.

Groundskeeper Willie - easily, his job. Steve's comments notwithstanding, elementary school janitors are, by far, the scariest people on the face of the Earth. These are the ones who live in a corner of the boiler room in the basement of the run-down elementary school and mumble to themselves as they plod through the school at odd times on whatever errand drives them. They are the ones about whom you always hear in an interview on the evening news, "He was always a quiet man...kept to himself most of the time." You speak of RAGE[tm]? Who has the rage except a man who has spent the last 30 years of his life getting paid minimum wage to clean up the puke of a bunch of snot-nosed kids who will never remember his name? What is the tyranny of the British when compared to that?

These factors would seem to effectively cancel each other out. So we need to review the contestant's past enemies to get a good indication of their combat performance.

Bill Wallace has spent his life fighting against a man named 'Longshanks' [Butthead, "Huhuhu, he said, 'long shanks'": Beavis, "Yea. Hehehe. What's a shank?": Butthead, "Shut up, buttmunch"]. Now, Longshanks gained his military experience fighting the French, who as the Germans can testify, are about as easy to conquer as a Times Square steetwalker. The fact that it took years to win against this nation of chain-smoking, nasal-whining misfits isn't a great indorsement of Longshanks military cunning, nor, by association, of Bill's fighting ability. And, let's not forget that at the end of "Braveheart", Bill LOST!

Now Groundskeeper Willie finds himself face-to-face on a daily basis with Bart Simpson, the most pernicious, evil, conniving demonspawn ever to entertain a generation of children. Bart "Mephisto" Simpson, has brought the fear of eternity to his family, his school, his town, and even the hearty natives of the land down under. Anyone who can stand against such an enemy is not going to be put down by someone who is used to slap-fighting a geriatric tea-sipper.

So my vote is for Groundskeeper Willie, who will be able to beat Bill Wallace, and polish off his hagis before his lunch break is over.

- JetLag

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Taking it where you two left off, Willie and Wallace charging their respective steeds in blind fury at their respective adversaries, Wallace and Willie, each crying their respective battle cries, "Ye kin't won a fyeed wi-oot brickon a fye hids!" and "Begging you pardon, lad, I didn't catch thaAAAARGH!!!"

Willie turns Wallace's moment of confusion to his advantage, pushing his Garden Weasel™ through his opponents skull and devouring his steed with his shiny red monster of an automotive fetish, his outlandish and stereotypical gibberish of an accent winning out over Williams thought out stage dialect.

- Jason

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)


'Twas a peaceful day in Springfield
'round ye ol' mystery spot
"where logic takes a holiday...
and nature's laws are not."
When bagpipes began blaring,
with loud unholy force,
and a child was heard screaming,
"It's Mad Max on a horse!"

Mel Gibson slowly drew his sword,
"Oscar" was its name,
and faced the greasy janitor,
who'd come to play the game.
"I'm looking now for Willie,"
bellowed the Aussie git,
"who rides the devil's mower,
and thinks he's such hot shit."

"rit har, ya kilted fairy,"
growled the whiskery knight,
as he revved his mighty mower,
and raised his weasel to the light.
"I din care aboot yur oscars,
ur your mountins o'movie cash.
Y'aint a kosher Scot,
an' i'm gin ta whup yer ass."

Freshly greased by doris,
Willie sat up tall,
Homer ate bad chili,
and rushed into a stall
Wallace put on makeup,
and straightened out his skirt
the slackjawed throng was ready...
for someone to get HURT.

LOST HIS PUNY HEAD, of course.
Mike Myers sold the souvenirs,
"'cause if it's not Scottish, IT'S CRAP!"

when the dust clouds finally cleared,
from the scotsmen's bloody rumba,
the pretty boy lay in gory tatters
and a kid yelled, "Aye Carumba!"
With the Handsome head in hand,
Willie slouched off to the door
of Springfield Elementary,
To wash and wax the floors.

How on earth could grand Mel Gibson fall,
to a scruffy, balding goon?
Well, it's like Eddie Valiant said,
"Ya just can't kill a toon."

- Justin Kolb


It is clear to me right away who will be the victor -- HISTORY! Groundskeeper Willie, being a good Scottish man, will know the history of his land and people. He will know, for instance, that William Wallace was not the honorable, knee-deep in babes and bodies kind of guy who homophobic australian actor/directors play. He will know that Wallace never got it on with Isabel, that he snuck around backstabbing people like a good cruel Scottish warrior, and that he certainly didn't live long enough to see Edward I - Malleus Scottorum (or simply "Big Ed") - die. In fact, Willie will remember that Wallace was duped and murdered, lowering Scottish morale and allowing Edward I to beat the crap out of Scotland for another healthy decade.

Remembering this, Willie will be filled with The Rage (tm), and descend on Wallace like the ATF on a religious cult. Wallace, seeing a fellow Scot, will become sad at the notion of fighting a kinsman. "Lad, we mus no' figh' each oth'rrrr!" Wallace will say. Willie will bring his Garden Weasel down on Wallace with a cry of "WANKER!". Wallace will be cut like butter by so many hot knives. The tractor will then run over his head. Then, he will die.

- Independence - Eternal Enemy of Pseduo History...and El Squid

Although the match is close, the clan feud goes to Willie, for these reasons:

VULNERABILITY: Wallace may be a Hollywoodized hero, but they are vulnerable to death as long as it is poignant and drawn out. Willie is both a cartoon (enough in itself!) and a minor character on _The Simpsons_, which never die unless the audience dislikes them or the actress/actor who is their voice dies. Advantage: Willie; this point dedicated to Doris Grau.

INTELLIGENCE: Wallace thought up brilliant ways to ambush the British, while Willie thought up ways to videotape couples in cars. Advantage: Wallace.

POPULARITY: Wallace is a hero to millions of American women. Willie is the embittered victim of "Scotchtoberfest". Advantage: Wallace.

HILARITY: Wallace is always either grim, determined, or remorseful. Willie is always funny (though never intentionally on his part). Advantage: Willie.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: Willie is a Scottish immigrant in America (albeit an illegal one); there have been millions of Scottish immigrants to America. No problem here. Wallace, on the other hand, made it with a hot French babe who was approximately 3 years old at this point in history (Check if you don't believe me). Advantage: Willie.

- Josh "Mmm...something" King

Unforeseen by either Scotsmen is a sudden interruption of James T. Kirk emerging from a giant stone donut, saying, "Scotties! I need more power!"

Instinctively, both Scots fall to fits of "... Ah cannae duit ... Ah've goot to huv moor time ..."

Unable to resist anything in a kilt, Kirk ... pauses, then proceeds to seduce both men, only to be beaten up by them, insecure as they are about their masculinity.

Bloody and swollen, Kirk can be heard whispering, "... no ... beach ... to walk on ..."

- Michael Leung

Let's look at the various lives of each contestent....Willie has been hacked in the back with an axe three times in one half hour, burned to a skeletal apparition, and wrestled a wolve barehanded (He was wrestlin' wolves while we were still at our mother's teat!) Yet he continues to be back for more.

His opponent, on the other hand, has died as Wallace, died as Hamlet, and taking a severe pounding as Martin Riggs (which, if Willie was shooting bullets, would give him the edge since he is obviously immune to gunfire). But we're not talking bullets here.

Besides, ya' gotta give the nod to the guy who shouted.... "Grease me up woman, I'm goin' in!"

- Doc B

Willie the Groundskeeper?? Get real! The only thing Willie has going for himself is that he is not a scottish noble. In actuality, the hard working, blue-collar working man Willie will eventually become a follower of William Wallace, and most likely, become one of William Wallace's most trusted generals. With William Wallace and Willie the Janitor fighting on the same side there is no telling how many more chicks they could bag! I think Marge Simpson and William Wallace would make a nice couple.

- AaR

The two combatants square off against each other, and with a mighty Testosterone Scream (TM) charge each other. Just as they begin to close a figure bursts from the crowd of gathered onlookers and screams "STOP!!" It's none other than Stewart, crotchety owner of "All Things Scottish." He raises his fist at the two and cries, "Why de ya lads fight one another? We donna hafta kill each other, we hafta kill all a them. Remember: If its not Scottish, Its CRAP!"

Hit by the Light of Truth(TM) both Wallace and Willie team up with Stewart, Scotty from Star Trek, Sean Connery, and the Scottish guy from Ren & Stimpy and they all start pummeling everyone with golf clubs... Until they get nuked and only Groundskeeper Willie manages to dig himself out from the rubble.

- Evets the Grand Orez

There's no way a horse would ever actually charge a tractor... especially a horse that's never seen one. In the unlikely event that Braveheart manages not to break his neck falling off the panicked steed, then he'll be an easy target for the grinding wheels of Willie's shiny red tractor, and come out looking like the cow in that Meat Industry(tm) filmstrip that turned Lisa Simpson into a vegetarian...

- Cathy Laughlin

Well this is a tough one indeed but nothing escapes MY eye-of-the-eagles(tm). My knowledge of Scottish folk-lore tells me that he who beheads a Highlander gains his power. And Duncan Macleod was unfortunate enough to get himself beheaded. "But by who?" you might ask... Well my keen-lupine-senses(tm) combined with my extensive knowledge of hortoculture and thirteenth century Scottish greatswords tells me that though a garden weasel is capable of smashing someone's head and mashing it up into a bloody pulp it will not (at least if used properly which i am assuming it is) cut it clean off. A thirteenth century Scottish greatsword is capable of such a feat. Thus with the added power stolen from poor Duncan, William Wallace gains a critical edge and defeats his would-be evenly matched opponent, Willie.

- ---<$kasoup>---

Wallace has this one in the bag. Need I remind you that Groundskeeper Willie was defeated by the wee turtles! Also keep in mind that while Wallace had his way with the Princess of Wales, Willie has been turned down by Ms. Crobople.

- Dom Vietti

I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw this wee's lineup. Wonderful! And, as much as I like both contestants, I think I've come up with the answer which relies on a factor not mentioned by the comentaries. William Wallace has shown a flagrant disregard for the general well-being of horses. First evidence: those really sharp spikes, which is bad enough. Second evidence: when he rode his horse off a cliff into the water, killing it. He obviously doesn't care about his gallant steed. So I see the match coming out like this:

Wallace sees the big red tractor, which enrages him, because everyone knows that red is the Britich color. He charges madly; Willie does the same. Wallace forces his horse to charge straight into the tractor, resulting in a cruel and awful bloody mess (though in actuality no horses would be harmed in the filming of this scene). Willie, appalled into sputtering inaction, will be so horrified that he will forget to defend himself for a few crucial seconds (I've seen him do this in a few episodes). And those few seconds are all that Wallace needs to eliminate poor Groundskeeper Willie (most likely with a sword in the back).

We shall all mourn his passing.

- Carey Cauthen

Remember, Wallace has faced Edward "Longshanks" a.k.a. Patrick MacGoohan a.k.a. The Prisoner while the only one Willie has faced is Bart Simpson. Bart doesn't know what wily and sneaky mean compared to No. 6! Based on previous opponents, the coolness factor alone seals the victory for Wallace! FREEDOM!!!!!!

- dmp

Wallace has a School of Acting(tm) named after him. Willie does not.

Wallace was willing to give his life for Scotland. Willie ran away to America.

Wallace is a leader of men. Willie's boss is Seymour Skinner.

Wallace planned stategies for battles. Willie tried to dig the grave for a guinea pig in the school basement. The cement-floored school basement.

Willie is one of my favorite characters from the Simpsons, but this one isn't even close.

- ->Dan

Let's consider the question of motivation. Wallace fought for his homeland against a foreign aggressor, for patriotic reasons. Willie will go the the mat with any one of a number of personal vendettas. Since this is a matter between two men and not two nations, I don't quite see what Wallace is even doing there. Once Willie takes a pull from his ever-handy hip flask, he'll thrash the haggis out of the blue-faced freak.

In short, Wallace fights for Scots. Willie fights for Scotch.

PS: If Wallace is truly "the man who kicked the English out of Scotland," will someone please explain to me why "modern" Scotland is STILL a part of the British Empire?

- Bill Lindich

Ah, William "Braveheart" Wallace vs. Groundskeeper Willie. Both contestants are powerful and seem evenly matched. Looks like I’ll have to do a little more research.
[shuffling noises]
Ah, here it is. My Groundskeeper Willie trading card. His bio reads, in part, "Groundskeeper Willie came to this country from Scotland during the Great Velveeta Famine of ’63." This doesn’t bode well for Willie, I’m afraid. Wallace fought the British, Willie fled a shortage of Kraft processed cheese products. If that’s the extent of Willie’s courage, I shudder to think of the consequences of running out of SPAM.

Sadly (or something to that effect), I do not have a William Wallace trading card. Let me see if I can find a substitute. Hmmm. He’s Scottish. (Nope, I don’t have a Rowdy Roddy Piper card.) He fought the British. (Cha! Who didn’t?) He mooned people. A-HA! That’s it!
[more shuffling noises]
Found it! My "Cornholio" trading card. (I knew buying all those Beavis and Butt-head cards would pay off.) Anywho, on the back of the Cornholio card, Beavis/Cornholio is quoted as saying "I am Cornholio. I need teepee for my bunghole!" Aside from being sage advice, it also may give us a little insight into William Wallace’s life and desires. You see, Wallace wasn’t really mooning the British—he was simply demonstrating one of the needs of the Scottish people. ("I am Braveheartio. I need T. P. for my bunghole!") Obviously, Braveheart inspired the invention of toilet paper. Not only was he a great warrior and a great leader, he also inspired an extremely valuable commodity in today’s society.

Clearly, the winner in this scenario is William "Braveheart" Wallace.

Now, if anyone has one of those rare Charlie cards from the Charlie’s Angels series, I’ll trade you a Kermit the Frog, an Eric Clapton, and an autographed "Nature Boy" Ric Flair for it. (Jeepers! I don’t have a life on so many levels!)

- Mark Wentz

Although this match would provide relief from the great Tyson vs. Hollyfield dump-o-rama it would have to end in the defeat of Braveheart. Willie is just too much of a warrior for the hygenically challenged Wallace. Willie has a lot in common with the be-headed immortal, Duncan Mc Leod in retrospect that he also has lived many lives and been many things through out time. One example of this is when Willie meets long time friend and x-fiance Sherry Bobbins. In this episode we find out that Willie was a chimney sweep, as well as the ugliest man in Glasgow. I know this isn't very impresive but it just goes to show that there is no telling just what Willie is capable of doing, besides cutting a mean hedge styles with the school clippers. Another reason behind Willie's victory is the psychological ramifications,(Thank you Captain Kirk in Paradise Lost.). I am quite sure that after all this time in Willie's life the constant heckling of Willie's accent, job, and pathetic life has twisted Willie's moral fail safes into what could only be compared to Marilyn Manson's sense of right and wrong. In other words........ "I jus dono think Wallace cud take much moore!!!!!!

- Looking for a job at Area 51. Kendall T. Brown

Scotland considers William Wallace to be one of their greatest heroes. Groundskeeper Willie would never challenge Wallace. The two men would meet face-to-face, and Wallace, with his commanding spirit, would rally every Scotsman into battle. This includes Groundskeeper Willie.

"Every man dies... but not every man really lives." booms Wallace over the cheering army.

"Ild bear my (Garden) Weasel for yew, Wallace." screams Willie.

Secondly, I don't remember a "Groundskeeper Willie" show. It's obvious that Willie is always bested by a Simpson. Thus, the show is named "Simpsons." Although Wallace was executed at the end of the story, the movie was still titled "Braveheart."

P.S. I wouldn't pay the $69.95 pay-per-view for this match up!

- RBaker

Three (and a half) words. And as many times as I can say this, some people still don't see the importance of this one single concept.

Braveheart School of Acting.

For Mel, as an actor, it takes a serious amount of talent, guts, and raw emotion to strap on the Catholic school girls (in trouble (TM)) outfit, cover yourself in stage blood, wave your 4 foot phallic sword in the air over your tangled, knappy ass hair, and give your best imitation of the Chewbacca (TM) scream.

What does Willie have behind him? Writers like Conan O'Brian. Voices like Phil Hartman. Willie's in worse shape than a stutterer in a cattle auction. Worse than an epileptic in a room full of sewing needles and strobe lights. Worse than...(who else can I offend?)

Willie's gonna get beat like a Red-headed stepchild.

- Jeff the Kilt wearin' Scotch drinkin' Bagpipe playin' Bar fightin' MacDonald's Eatin' Jack O' the Aluminum Siding

In the end, it all really comes down to one thing. MEL GIBSON. Mad Max(tm). Lethal Weapon(tm). The man who has won People Magazine(tm)'s Sexiest Man Alive more times than Willie can count.

It is the Rage(tm)and violence of Mad Max(tm), and berzerk fighting ability of the Lethal Weapon(tm) that, combined with William Wallace and the Sexiest Man Alive, will allow him to win handily. You see, the key is Willie's . . . unusual sexuality. He loves a freakin' tractor. He will be so stunned by Wallaces god like visagen that he will be thrown into a state of sexual confusion long enough to allow William Wallace a handy victory.

- Gary

1.Nothing ever goes right for Willie.Even Shary Bobbins,the kindest soul in the world turned him down once she got her sight back.
2.Wallace ran straight into the english army,and I don't think a stupid tractor will scare him.
3.I have an ancestor who fought with Wallace. If this guy could get someone in my family to fight, he could kick anyones ass.

- frazier

William Wallace rules! He can lead a crowd of smelly and disheveled Highlanders against the English Army, so surely he has the skill! Remember: Willie has been bested by children ("Ach! Too many wee ones!") and by small amphibians ("Ach! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick fer me!"). Wallace also rode his horse into someones room and smashed his head in. That sounds like THE RAGE (TM) to me!

- Big Silly

William Wallace wins by a head (sorry), even though Mel Gibson(TM) is about a foot shorter than the real WW, after all reality has already left the building. William Wallace uses a Claymore(TM) sword which is about six feet long (OK, so Mel couldnt even lift a real one) thus enabling him to decapitate Groundskeeper Willie before he even gets near him.


Everyone knows that Scotsmen only really hold a Grudge(TM) against the English (not British!). Willie and William meet in the middle of the Mystery Spot(TM), sit down and proceed to drink beer and sing about killing the English until they pass out. This is what Scotsmen are really good at, I should know, I am one.

Sorry, no contest!

P.S. I have to agree with Brian. It is IMPOSSIBLE for ANY film to be worse than 'Highlander II', not even 'The Never Ending Story' was that bad.

- Alfie

If there is one thing you learn about the Scottish is that they are losers, they lose at football, they lose at every concievable challenge. When old Wallace actually WON something for a change, all the Scottish start bragging about it. "Remember the Thrasing we gave England in 1415 (or was it 1516, I forget".

The Scottish have done nothing in the next umpteen years but they still brag about they're victory, it means the world to them, it shows them they are not complete losers. Anyway when Groundkeeper Willie realises who he's up against (and who can fail with all that makeup), he'll prostrate on the ground and immediatly surrender to the only Scot who has ever won anything above tiddly winks.

(Two options then could happen, either Wallace promptly maces Willie with his huge morning star. Or he takes the oppertunity to give a four hour speech and Willie will eventually pitchfork him. I'd say the odds are about 50/50)

- Napoleon

Although I have nothing but the best for Wallace, here's why Willie will win:

Have you ever seen your elementary janitor? He's one person you don't want to mess with. At my school, they had a guy named Tony Degirolamo, one from the old country. While he was nowhere near physically threatening, everyone stayed away from him. He could be a mean guy.

Also, William has the good fortune of being loved by two babes, his late wiffe and the French princess. Willie is forbidden by his religion to marry the one true love of his life, his tractor. Why would he want to marry a tractor anyway? Because of all the rejection from Scot lasses. Hence, pent-up sexual frustration, a tonic that works wonders in any good Grudge Match.

Willie has been killed before, and has COME BACK, mind you, to haunt Springfield children's minds a la Elm Street. A historical hero, no matter how much he has been Hollywoodified, cannot compare to Wes Craven's twisted 80s plots.

Thus, Willie throws Wallace into the dreaded spot, of which Ozzie [Smith] has never returned. His parting scream: "Give me back my Oscar!" (or some Mad Max quote, I'm not picky...)

- Vlad the Wonder Hamster, going to Another Roadside Attraction...Woo Hoo!

On the surface, it might appear that Groundskeeper Willie might win. After constantly being foiled, he would have the RAGE(tm). Wallace has already tasted success and may not want it as much. There is also the BABE-FACTOR(tm). Wallace already has/had two babes (woohoo!). G Willie has women pass out at the sight...he wants to get in on the action. He would promptly begin beating the accent out of Wallace, when - as in any good match (eg WCW, WWF) - it would be ruined by interference. Scared that if G Willie won, he might get women & leave it, the tractor causes him to fall at a bad time. Falling on the Garden Weasel, he is in no shape to continue, and Wallace summons his last strength to finish him. As his spirit leaves his body, it drifts neither up, nor down, but over. To the tractor. G Willie's spirit replaces the old evil spirit and finally is united with his true love.

(NOTE: This author has no secret desires to be merged with a tractor.)

- Slyder

Yes, Wallace is a Hollywood hero, but he still comes from a fairly realistic movie. Willie probably would do an even better job of withstanding the torture at the end of Braveheart (minus the beheading) than Wallace did, simply because he's a cartoon. However, the victory will be a tough and painful one for Willie.....

Chalmers: SKINNER!!!!! WHAT is that Scotsman doing staggering around the playground soaked in blood?????
Skinner: Uh...Well Sir, he's reenacting a famous Scottish battle.
Chalmers: Then why aren't any of the students out watching it?
Skinner: There's no more respect for history, Sir. I'll put everyone in detention.

- L. Wilkes

Although Willie has been prone to genius, like when he uttered "Bonjoooouurrrrrr, ye cheese-eat'n surrender monkeys," when budget cutbacks at Springfield Elementary had him teaching French class, I have to opt for Wallace. Willie is too obviously under the influence of Principal Skinner, a deranged and pathetic creature at best. When he sees Wallace thundering at Willie with malice in his eye, Seymour Skinner will have a wicked 'Nam flashback, distract Willie with his ranting and it'll be all over.

- Amy

William Wallace gallantly concedes the victory to Groundskeeper Willie when he hears Helen Lovejoy screaming, "Think of the children!" The children are understandably disappointed, but after the two Willies have paused to polish off a flask, it's tractor AND horsie rides for all! Of course, if one of them has to die, it's Wallace; the two cultural milieus involved have opposite but complementary attitudes toward the death of a key character. Q.E.D.

- Guy T.

Groundskeeper Willie:  Och!  Ah nooo kinna fightya Wollice, what 
                       withye being a Scott, and a monly wun ot 		

William Wallace: Aye, en' I dinna noo how I kinna tussle with ye,                         
                 forye be the sem mesure ofa man, onnacounta ye oonin'
                 thot fine trokter...

G.W.: Aye, she bay a bonnie lass...

W.W.: Wotye seh we slep our daymons under the kilt (Official made-up
      Ancient Scottish saying (tm)) en goo get sum haggus?

G.W.: Och laddie! Ye bee rayding me mind! I was haverin' for sum 

W.W.:  Und layter,wee cinna goo pay that Sean Connery lad a visit, and 
	    kluteth hem a heftee bloo 'pon his noggin'...

G.W.: Sher!  Hays binna oskin' forit sence hee sold oot to the Brets
	 by pleyin that spoi with the noombers en his nem...

And so, Willie and Wallace walk off into a plaid sunset, with bagpipes
playing in the background...          

- Budo of the MacGreggor clan.

Now, although I could compare the two combatants respective combat skills, this match is going to come down to who is the most Scottish (because, as we learned from Mike Meyers(TM) on SNL (TM), "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!"(TM?))

So let's compare William with Willie:

1: Dress and Attire
William almost always wears a kilt whereas I have only seen Willie in a kilt once or twice

2: Location
William lives in Scotland, Willie lives in Springfield. However this could be any of the several million Springfields around the world, and it could very well be Springfield, Scotland. I'm going to have to call this one a draw on the grounds of the ambiguity as to where Springfield is.

3: Holidays
William, I'm sure observes all Scottish Holidays, but Willie isn't even Scottish enough to realize there is no such thing as Scotchtoberfest (TM?)

William 2.5 over Willie 0.5

- Anonymous (I hope that's spelled right)

With little doubt, Wallace can withstand more than Willie. Wallace, being in Scotland for a longer period of time than Willie, would have to have listened to more bagpipe music than Willie in his lifetime, thus making Wallace all the more stronger for surviving that torture. Also, Wallace has probably had more haggis than the stateside Willie could imagine. It takes a real strong man to stomach a stomach. The only thing Willie has ever been seen consuming is a bottle of whisky, and according to Mark Twain, ‘whisky to a Scotsman is as innocent as milk to the rest of the human race.’ Willie gets out on that battlefield after downing a bottle, starts laughing uncontrollably at what he takes for a pitiful looking blue-faced menace opposite of him, and whisky shoots out his nose. Wallace lets fly a flaming arrow at the alcohol-doused gardener and it’s nothing but a bonfire after that.

- Rena McD

What are you kidding? Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman is a real guy!

- Stand by Me

- Brian P. Dunn

If things go badly for Willie, he has one final weapon... Principal Skinner. Remember when Disney tried to shut down the school fair, with thei hired goons. Skinner dropped both of them in a second, and had a Disney Lawyer (remember that grudge match) cowering from the rath of an ex-Green Beret. When he sees the future upkeep of the grounds threatened, Skinner will leap into the fight, and slaughter William Wallace (and his horse) with an eraser and piece of chalk.

Chalk up one for primary education!

- Hondo

Groundskeeper Willie has proved himself against a scourge greater than any mere mortal: Space Invaders. That's right, Willie was so concerened about the early 1980's video game (which he THOUGHT was real), that he gave himself "a criplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrrs". Skeptics will claim that Willie was only fighting a video game, but he THOUGHT it was real, and Perception IS Reality in the world of Grudge Match. No one can argue that.

- Gregory Smith

What I believe that both Steve and Brian have forgotten to consider is that if Willie the Groundskeeper is armed with the Garden Weasel(tm) can the full might of the Ronco(tm) armament, and other implements of destruction that are only a phone call away, be far behind.

Here's how I see it:

After months of training with his Thigh Master(tm), Abflexor(tm) and Soloflex(tm) and feeding on nutritious (and delicious) snacks curtesy of his Ronco Deluxe Food Dehydrator(tm), Automatic Pasta and Sausage Maker(tm), Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer(tm), Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler(tm) and the Popiel Bagel Cutter(tm) Willie will be in great shape and ready for the fight. What's Wallace been doing, living in pre-socialized medicine Scotland eating spoiled food. Not much of a match so far.

But wait! There's more!

As soon as Willie spots Wallace he'll nail him with his set of Ginsu(tm) knives. Not only can they cut through a steel can (so much for Wallace's sword) they also work great as throwing weapons, let us not forget the Complete Set(tm) of steak knives. Of course if that doesn't finish him off the Garden Weasel(tm) will.

This fight is going to be over before it starts. By the time Wallace knows what's hit him (as he looks on from the hereafter) Willie will be relaxing by the Springfield resevoir reading Salesman Of The Century(tm), styling with his new hairdo thanks to the GLH Formula Number 9 Hair System(tm) and pulling three eyed fish out of the resevoir with his Popiel Pocket Fisherman(tm)

end of story

- Colin "I'm not really a CS major, but I play one on TV" Johnson

Are ye daft, mon! De ye ken wha' ye canae see wi' yer own two eyes thot Gid gave tae ye?! Goun'skeep'r Willie is thae pick o' the lads, d'ye ken?! 'E's got not aenly th' right tool f'r th' right job -- namely, whackin' thot Rob Roy lad azzif 'e were th' sassenach Brits! 'R a dandelion inna Highland bloom! Thot Weed Whacker is th' fahnest thing tae hit th' last great Scotsman's field o'honor -- the golf course! Groundskeeper Willie's got th' one talent thot hordes o' Scots'll follow tae th' ends o' th' Earth: Only Willie can tend tae th' greatest courses in Scotland... all Wallace knew how tae do is tae shed blood all o'er th' heather. An' when a mon can bring sae much tae th' national game o' Scotland as Willie can... ye just hae tae lissen tae th' mon!

- Name Whithheld by Request -- methinks the Scots would kill me!

Now, Mel Gibson, being Wallace, has been in many, many hollywood films, therefore possessing a very large amount of money from those films(in addition to looting and pillaging the english). So, I see it as he'll hire at least half of the extras(cannon fodder) from Braveheart, who'll set up an ambush that'll get at least an 'M' on the ratings scale for this one. They will not only kill Willie. They will show him how the English deal with that sort of cartoon scum. He will be disembowelled a la Braveheart, his head mounted near the statue of Jebediah Springfield, his gut-dripping torso hung outside the elementary school, and his four limbs mounted at the four corners of Springfield. Then, Willie's comrades(all five of them) will launch an attack for revenge, and, like the Scottish army at the end of Braveheart, will have their asses handed to them! For Freedom!!!!

- Nobe Scottsman

You're both forgit'n somethin' very important... they're the same bloody person!

It's bleedin' obvious, William... Willie... The creators of the Simpsons have to be refering to the historical Scottish hero. How many Scottish willies are there?



Nevermind, then.

- Ragnorak

As I believe you pointed out, Willie has been killed at least three times. Once by a baby. Is this a weakness? I say thee nay! It is a strength! Since when is returning from the dead a weakness?

Moreover, Willie has been deported, humiliated, and put to the limits of his endurance countless times. Yet he always comes back.

How many times has Wallace been dead? One. It's been six hundred years, and he finally decides to show up?! And because of a time anomaly? That's not very manly.

Who killed him in the first place? The British. Oh, hold me, the British are going to get me. I'm shaking. No, Wallace is a loser, pure and simple. And he's par for the course against Willie.

- Mike Smith

Groundskeeper Willie will have an obvious advantage: He will have undoubtedly been lovingly working on his tractor that morning, because tractors require maitenence _every_ morning (As any owner of any farm equipment will tell you). As a result, he will be liberally endowed with motor oil ( for reference, see above). With such dermal lubrication, his speed will have been greatly enhanced. Mel Gibson will be entering battle with nothing protecting his skin beside woad paint. "Noone can outrun a grrreeased scotsman!!!"

- Halfjack

Willie the Groundskeeper, despite being of Scottish birth, would never paint himself blue. Anyone who is willing to paint himself blue is a true Scottish warrior (unless, of course, you have no Scottish in your family, then you're just a loon). Wallace wins easy. But then again, when you borrow that Big Freakin' Claymore Sword (TM) from Rob Roy (TM), chances are you'll do some serious cleaving.
Wallace, while undoubtedly manly, is doomed from the start. His own actor/director, Mr. Gibson, gave the OK for him to die in a big way in his very own movie! Willie, on the other hand, is given the divine protection of Matt Groening, who has declared that only the Simpsons Halloween specials are "non-canon" and can therefor have major characters killed off (at least temporarily). After all, all of the examples of Willie "getting the axe" are from one Halloween special or another. The holy aegis of script approval shines over Willie, but leaves' Wallace's blue bottom hanging out so that he can die dramatically for the cause.

The final analysis? On Halloween, Wallace's claymore runs Willie through in 7 seconds flat, giving the stricken groundskeeper but the chance for one more Scots-burred quip. Any other day of the year, however, the buff and battle-ready Willie puts Wallace down in an epic battle encompassing 30 minutes (minus 8 for commercials) and wrecking most of Springfield. In the end, Wallace, broken and bleeding from numerous garden-implement inflicted cuts, gives an impassioned speech about freedom on the steps of the Quik-E-Mart before giving up the ghost.

- John H. Brunkhart

Good to have you back gentlemen; despite the vaunted efforts of the noble guest commentators it just isn't the WWWF Grudge Match without Brian and Steve. Ok, now that the obligatory brown nosing is out of the way, lets get down to business.

For a moment you had me going there Brian with your arguements about Willie's endowment, but then you blew it with your next arguement, claiming that he had 700 years of genetic improvment over Wallace. Genetic improvement, in SCOTLAND??? Lets take a look at Scotland then and now.

Wallace's Scotland, a brutal, barren wasteland where the Scottish clans would only take time out from fighting each other to kick some British ass. Not a place conducive to a long life, but it did produce tough bastards.

Willie's Scotland, a sad, provincial backwater territory which is only allowed to stay part of the United Kingdom so the British can make fun of how they speak, its Great Britain's Appalachia. In fact when you look at it, its really worse, because Scotland is the only territory the British have been able to hold on to. They lost the American colonies, they lost India, they lost South Africa, they lost Egypt, hell they couldn't even hold on to most of Ireland, they've lost everything and yet they still hold on to Scotland. This tells us two things, just how far the British Empire has fallen, and that the Scotland of today is nothing.

However, just in case that isn't enough to convince you, lets take a quick look at Willie himself. Now losing to Bart is really no shame, Bart regularily beats much greater opponents than Willie, opponents such as Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob and even the great Calvin (although I would really like a recount on that one). But look at what else Willie goes through. He is a virtual slave of Principal Skinner, and the only defiance he shows is an occasional muttered insult, usually said under his breath, so he won't have to risk Skinner's wrath (remember Skinner was a green beret, and he fought off the mighty legions of Disney, so I'm sure he could kick Willie's ass) Even worse is that Willie has often been regularily defeated by the Springfield Police, the worse cops in America. He's been arrested for public leaf burning and was the only person in the entire city that was deported for being an illegal alien. If Willie can't even disembowel Chief Wiggum how can he possibly be expected to beat William Wallace.

- Brendan W. Guy

Take a look at the Funky-Animated-Willie-GIF(tm) at the top of the screen. Observe until sequenced at least twice. Now, it is obvious from extended observation that, while initially unasuming, and all togeather skinny looking, Groundskeeper Willie(tm) undergoes a radical transformation as soon as he rips his shirt off.

Upon viewing Willie undergo his transformation, Weeny Wallace(tm) suddenly remembers leaving the kettle on the harth back home. Muffins rears up in terror from the Damned Sight(tm) before her, and flee into the Mystery Spot(tm), with Wallace goading her on with threats of glue and violin strings.

- Sailor Squasher (Splat!)

The match will go something like this :
After the first pass both riders will be dismounted. Willie is the first to get up and after a quick glance around spots a familiar face.
"Lunch Lady Doris, do you have any grease?...THEN GREASE ME UP WOMAN!" (TM)

Wallace soon comes to and is greeted by an unusual site, a bronze figure, slick with grease, stands over him. Before he can shout "FREEDOM!" he's in a wrestling hold that Hulk Hogan would be proud of. Willie and Wallace become locked in a tremendous struggle, each trying to gain some sort of advantage. A crowd forms and words of encourage can be heard.
"Pull Willie, pull!" Principle Skinner yells.
"I am pullin' you pansy sniffin', poodle walker!" responds Willie.
Seconds later Willie and Wallace are lying against a tree. Wallace looks like someone just beat him silly with a Whoop Ass stick (TM). "Don't feel bad Wallace, I've been wrestlin' wolves since I was knee high to your mother's teet." (TM)

- Stallion 97

How many women watch the Simpsons(tm) to check out groundskeeper Willie? none. How many women will go to any pointless Mel Gibson movie? Thousands. which coincidently will be the number of calls Fox(tm) will get to cancel the Simpsons(tm), therefore killing Groundskepper Willie instantly. Its a catch-22 for Willie.

- Good Point

Wallace was a stud. Wallace bedded the Princess of Wales and likely fathered the future King of England, no doubt improving the stock a hundred-fold. Hmm, maybe England got the better of that deal as I'm thinking about it. Anyway, since Willie has as yet (I hope) failed to reproduce himself, I have to give the nod to the stud, instead of wee-Willie.

- A Wallace admirer.

In the William Wallace vs. Groundskeeper Willie match, Groundskeeper Willie has yet another advantage. If you remember the episode where Willie is hosting Scotchtoberfest,he mentions that the kilt is only for day-to-day wear, and "in battle, we wear a full length dress gown, covered in sequins." Willie's battle garb would blind his opponent, and while William Wallce is recovering from the dazzling effects of Willie's evening wear, the Groundskeeper would chop him to haggis with his Garden Weasel.

- Chuck Delgado

This contest simply comes down to who can roll their 'R's better and thusly establish who the true Scotsman is. The other will run in terror. Here's how I see it happening...

Wallace: I've been waiting ferrrrrrr you Willie, now it's time to show you how a warrrrrriorrrrrr poet fights.

Willie: You winey little, blue-faced, dead women loving bastarrrd. You want a piece of me? Then.. RRRRRRRRoll up the RRRRRRRim to win!

Wallace drops his sword and runs.

- Darren

Victory to the ugliest man in Scotland (And you know I don't mean Mel Gibson!) Groundskeeper Willie will win, not because of superior manliness or testosterone levels, but because of musical ability! Case in point:
Ah'm a menniach, menniach, det's fer shure!
An' Ah'm dancin' loik Ah never danced befoooooore!!


If ye feel yer alone, an loif is gittin ye lonely, ye kin always go..

I ask you truly...Can Braveheart ever hope to match that??? Of course not! Millions of adoring women will soon be begging to apply grease to Willie's pecs, while Wallace shamefully tries to remove the blue from his face.

- 1/2 Nelson

What you haven't realized fellows, is the one most important fact of this most crass confrontation of Scottish supermen. May I draw attention?

Fact: Groundskeeper Willie's past is shrouded in mystery.
Fact: William Wallace's ultimate fate is unknown. (Mel dramatized his death, sure - but like you said: Hollywood legend)
Fact: Groundskeeper Willie's last name? Unknown.
Fact: Willie is short for WILLIAM.


This being the case, the usual time/space paradoxes will apply. Groundskeeper Willie cannot kill Wallace, for in doing so, he kills an earlier version of himself, and therefore will upset the balance of space/time. Wallace cannot slay Groundskeeper Willie, for in doing so, he also will upset the balance of space/time by living past the moment of his own death (Wallace is in the future, remember? If he were in his own time, there would be no problem, but you guys had to place him at the Springfiled Mystery Spot....)

We come to the conclusion that neither of these gentlemen can defeat the other without causing major problems to the order of the universe. Knowing this, Wallace will refuse to kill his future self. Groundskeeper Willie, however, (having lost more than 64% of his brain cells by this point) will have no such compuntctions, and promptly slays Wallace, causing gigantic rifts in the very fabric of reality. As the universe begins to twist in upon itself, destroying every last vestige of physical order, Groundskeeper Willie will be heard to mutter: "now whare in tha bloody 'ell did ah put me 'aggus?"

- John

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Darth Maul v. Connor MacLeod
Mad Max v. Snake Plissken
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches

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