World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

A capacity crowd is on hand in Las Vegas for Wrestlemanya V™. Once and for all, the question of who would win a real fight between boxers and wrestlers is being settled in the ring. However, the thousands in attendance and the millions at home are being sorely disappointed.

In one corner, Mike Tyson and Stone Cold Steve Austin are in a lazy mutual headlock, broken only by the occasional desultory ear-chew. In another corner, Evander Holyfield and Hulk Hogan are in their own half-hearted clinch, trading secrets on how to conceal hair loss. George Foreman and Butterbean are rope-a-doping The Rock and Bill Goldberg, absorbing fake punches effortlessly. In the center of the ring, Chyna's in a hair-pulling fight with Oscar de la Hoya, the only boxer there with hair. Don King and Captain Lou Albano watch the action outside the ring with mild interest between yawns.

The bell sounds. Michael Buffer steps into the ring amid a hail of boos, beer cups, and the occasional chair. "Ladies and gentlemen, time has expired in the match, and the referees have scored it a draw. Thank you for coming tonight, and--what the--"

A loop of rope tightens around him, and hoists him into the rafters. Descending on the other end of the rope is Mr. T! The fans erupt into cheers, many of them raising "I Pity The Fool" signs. The fighters retreat to their corners, mystified.

"WE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FAKE CRAP! Ground Zero™ be takin' over this match, and it ain't gonna be no slap-fight! Draws are for wimps. This time, the fighting's for real!"

"Hey, this isn't in the script," peeps one of the soon to be combatants.

"SHUT UP, FOOL! You suckers are such chumps, this fight's gonna be a battle to the death. Winners get to split $1 billion embez--er, donated from the Sedate Vlad Fund. Losers get tossed into the chihuahua pit. Anyone trying to sneak out will be dealt with by the crowd..." The sounds of cocked guns and whirling chainsaws comes from all corners of the crowd. "And just to make sure there ain't no funny bid'ness, I'm gonna be the referee."

Mr. T lets go of his rope. There's a scream of "Aaaaaaaaaalet'sgetreadytotuuuuuuumbllllllle!" before the plummeting Buffer takes out half a dozen seats.

So, Paul, which royal rumblers will rule the ring?

Mr. T has assured us of his total impartiality for this match. No amount of gold chain bribery from Shane or Paul has succeeded thus far. So don't even consider it, fool!

Wrestlers: Bill Goldberg, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, Chyna, Captain Lou Albano Boxers: Oscar de la Hoya, Butterbean, Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, George Foreman, Don King




The Commentary

PAUL: From my viewpoint here at ringside, the wrestlers should take this one faster than you can say "Can of Whoop-Ass."

You need look no further than technique. Can boxers execute stunningly devastating moves like the gut-wrench suplex, the powerbomb and the piledriver, not to mention a number of high-risk acrobatic precision manuevers off the top rope? Moreover, are they highly conversant with less sportsmanlike but highly effective chicanery such as smashing heads into turnbuckles, fighting outside the ring and using folding chairs for pain and profit? Do they know how to fight as an effective tag team? HELL, NO! All they know how to do is throw punches and they don't even have the guts to do it without protective gloves. In wrestling, the only reason to throw punches is to set your opponent up for a move that *really* hurts. With that type of ignorance of real mano-a-mano combat, these five stumblebums are going to be the latest victims of the Stone Cold Stunner(tm) and no one - and I mean no one - gets up from that.

But even if we ignore the obvious superiority, wrestlers are also clearly the better athletes. Look at the Tale of the Tape(tm):

Boxers: 6'1", 230. That weight number varies widely depending on how many cheeseburgers Foreman eats for dinner.
Wrestlers: 6'4", 255. Chyna outweighs Oscar del la Hoya by 50 lbs. and SHE'S A WOMAN!

Wrestlers: Wrestlers match-up an average of two to three times A WEEK for non-stop, high impact action.
Boxers: Boxers of this caliber fight twice a year TOPS. Apparently, without six months off, they aren't capable of handling a 36 minute fight. Of course, what can you say for a bunch of wimps that need a one minute break every three minutes. Longshoremen don't get it that good.

Boxers: Fights are postponed if the boxer breaks a finger, has gas or gets a note from his therapist that he needs to "deal with issues."
Wrestlers: Iron Mike Sharpe wrestled for 10 years with a cast on his arm. Buff Bagwell came back from BREAKING HIS NECK. Is this a contest?

To summarize: Take those cute red gloves that match their cute red tights, turn them sideways and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ROODDY-POOH ASS! WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER AND HIS 24 INCH PYTHONS RUN WILD ON YOU!

SHANE: I'm going to regret that we didn't spend the Sedate Vlad Fund on something for you.

No turnbuckle smash, atomic piledriver, or super suplex(isn't that a movie theater?) can protect you from this little news flash, Paul: wrestling is fake. We both live in New Jersey, but apparently only I was paying attention when the WWF declared itself officially fraudulent so it could dodge state regulations of real sports. And what does it say of wrestlers in general that they're scared of Governor Christine Todd Whitman? Sheesh!

Now, there's a reason why boxers only throw punches at each other with padded gloves: because without those rules, boxing's body count would be higher than a Union Carbide picnic in India. Imagine Mike Tyson in a fight where biting is not only legal, but encouraged. Imagine the tender embrace of Butterbean crushing the oxygen out of your lungs. Imagine George Foreman sitting on your head. And grinning.

Against this, we have members of a <chortle> sport who are not very good at this self-interest thing. These are the people who drove Sable screaming out of their organization. Men who let women like that get away are more than a few watts short of a light bulb. Additionally, every third wrestling match features some poor schlub getting whacked from behind by someone he thought was an ally. Imagine that attitude carrying into this match, where there's a billion-dollar purse split among the survivors. The pugilists can stand aside as the wrestlers wear themselves down to blobs of blood-streaked protoplasm, then finish this match with judicious use of a Wet-Vac.

The boxers win easily, and with their earnings are able to buy and sell Don King. Revenge is sweet indeed.

PAUL: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WRESTLING ISN'T REAL???!!! In Tokyo in 1976, it was real enough to turn the icon of boxing Muhammad Ali into a cowering mess hiding in the ropes to avoid further punishment. This is a sport that your very own Butterbean and Mike Tyson have competed in. Nay, I say if any sport is dubious, it's boxing. They have let such chumps as Andrew "Confuse your crotch for your head" Golota, Gerry "Big White Dummy" Cooney and over-the-hill ex-Jet and professional girlfriend beater MARK GASTINEAU compete. It has countless world champions for each of 17 weight classes to guarantee lots of high profit title bouts and champions lose their belts more often to bureaucratic hissy fits than other fighters. And how about the Olympics where the only qualification to be a judge is a $10 bribe and three functioning brain cells. If wrestling is fake, then boxing is imaginary.

And if that isn't enough, what can you say for a sport in which people on Social Security can make comebacks and actually win? Why would you want to drag those fossils Larry Holmes and Roberto "No Mas" Duran out of their wheelchairs anyway? Don't they know that most medical insurance actually covers Viagra prescriptions? You know, the reason that all of Foreman's sons are named George II thru George the VI isn't because he's weird but because he's 853-years-old and his "children" are actually six generations. Quick, someone throw some dirt on the man before he feels the need to eat living human flesh.

The only thing that will be left of the boxers is Don King's hair. Who's next?

SHANE: Say, thanks for reminding me about Low-Blow Golota, who only reinforces my point. This is a man whose punches could induce brain damage via the scrotum, and still there are lots better fighters out there. If wrestlers were really so tough, they would fake some crotch-punches themselves, but apparently they're too tender in the testes to endure anything worse than wimpy little 'gotchas' from behind. Or maybe, with all the steroids they take, there's nothing left there to hit.

You still seem to be standing, Paul, if battered and reeling. Time for the big takedown. First, the full-body slam. As I learned only too well last year, the French cannot win anything. Yet who was the biggest name in wrestling for years, dominating the 'sport'? Andre the Giant! Any activity that can be dominated by a Frenchman is simply too feeble to be worth dominating.

Now for the leglock around your windpipe. The WWF has shown its true loser's colors lately by putting a weekly show on the alleged UPN network. This association would be enough to tar them as hapless losers any day of the week, but it gets even worse. UPN, desperate for ratings, is putting wrestlers on its other TV shows -- including an appearance by the Big Boss Man on Star Trek--Voyager. Yes, your boys (and girl) are doomed, for as everyone who knows anything about Ground Zero can tell you, Star Trek must lose!

I'll apply the pin now. Surely you will welcome it as a mercy.

The Results

Boxers (600 - 52%)

knock out

Wrestlers (551 - 48%)

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Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

In a classic George Carlin routine, the terminology of each sport is compared in order to prove that football is tougher than baseball. The same thing can be done in order to prove that boxing is tougher than wrestling, and hence, boxers are tougher than wrestlers. Wrestling terminology is downright dainty compared to the boxing lexicon. Observe:

In boxing, there are knock-outs   "Tyson clean knocked out that fool!"
In wrestling, there are pinfalls  "It's so quiet, I could hear a pin                                    

In boxing, you throw in the towel "Holyfield took so many punches he                                    
                                   had to throw in the towel."
In wrestling, you submit          "I've been a naughty boy, may I               
                                   submit to you, Mistress"? 

In boxing, there is the jab         "Oh, what a vicious jab!"
In wrestling, there's the bear hug  "C'mere and give daddy a big bear                                     

In boxing, there's the uppercut   "Tyson has been hit by an uppercut!"                                   
In wrestling, there's the sleeper "That film about the gay cowboys is                                    
                                   the sleeper hit of the festival."   

In boxing, you take punches       "What a mighty punch!"
In wrestling, you take "bumps"    "Ooh, that's a nasty bump"

Boxing has fans
Wrestling has "marks"             "Oh, I just know that'll leave a mark!"

In boxing, you wear trunks
In wrestling, you wear tights.    Enough said, really.

Clearly, wrestling terminology is just too fruity. I don't even want to know if "jobbers" is short for something else.

- "Don't put me in a" 1/2 Nelson

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

As if the Star Trek Factor wasn't enough to guarantee a win for the pugilistic practitioners of the Sweet Science, they also have the 3 M Factors working for them.

The Maker Factor
Hotbranch gets a special dispensation for those Hotbranch! 3:16 shirts because of all the joy he's brought into hospitalized children's lives as BoBo, The Especially Effeminate Clown. However, with Pastor Foreman on the boxing side (and don't forget Holyfield and De La Hoya), maybe The Almighty is preparing to open up a planetoid-sized can of Smote(tm) as just desserts for that Austin 3:16 crap. Also, consider that God helped Samson destroy a whole Philistine army with the jawbone of a jackass. With Don King available to them, imagine what these guys could do with the whole body of a jackass!

The Movie Factor
Though not as common as The Cop Two Days From Retirement or the Oblivious Horny Teenagers Being Stalked By A Serial Killer, there is a film archetype that provides a clue to this match: The Boxer Who is All Messed Up Because Somebody Died in the Ring. For examples, see Rocky IV and The Quiet Man. You'll note that there is no wrestling equivalent, since nobody actually gets hurt in Pro Wrestling. Want some cash? Bulk up a little and fight Sting. Have a hideously painful terminal wasting disease but you have moral objections to suicide? Fight Mike Tyson, but be sure to make your funeral arrangements first.

The Mafia Factor
Where do most boxing title bouts take place? In casinos. Who controls the casino industry? The Mob. Now, I would never even think for a moment that our stalwart mascot could be bought off with wiseguy cash, but the wrestlers don't know T like we Grudgephiles. They will be expecting a hail of bullets from the opening bell, and the boxers will make the most of this distraction.

Jesse Ventura had better get the speechwriters moving, because they're going to need to bang out a heck of a eulogy. Not only will it be the first funeral televised on TBS, it's also the first one where the coffins are carried out to the tune of a Fresh Prince & Jazzy Jeff song: "I Really Thought I Could Beat Mike Tyson."

- Mr. Silverback- Barricaded inside my house in case any Pro Wrestler reads this.

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie An abnormally pregnant pause follows Mister T's opening announcements, broken fifteen hundred miles away by a metallic crunch. A great hand releases a now-crushed "Old Milwaukee" can as Governor Jesse "The Body" (er, sorry, "The Mind") Ventura looks up with glee from his televison set in St. Paul - at last, a chance to both pursue his passion AND use his power to accomplish something monumental! WIthin two minutes he has organized, briefed, and deployed the entire Minnesota National Guard around the Las Vegas arena, a feat violating at least four separate Theories of Physics and Space-Time.

Barely flinching, Mister T directs the well-armed spectators to deny entry to the militiamen. The combatants finally finish digesting this novel situation, and a particular look of fear emerges in the expressions of the boxers, a look shared only by those who face doom and know that time is not on their side. How long can the audience hold off the "wrestling" governor's enforcers?

Yet, instead of pressing the attack, the "wrestlers" begin the preliminaries. Professional "wrestling" conflict is conducted Iraqi- style: serious action is ideally preceded by "mother-of-all-battles"- type hyperbole. "I'm telling you, you pretty-boy boxers, who hang out with all those pointy-headed ineffectuals, or intellectuals, or whatever they call themselves now," Hulk Hogan roars. "You think you're so smart! Well, I've got a Master's degree in Butt-whooping, and I'll impress my credentials on your hinds like a hot iron!"

"You'd better believe it!" bellows Stone Cold with accompanying gestures. "We'll revoke you like athletic eligibilities! We'll drop you like non-required French Literature classes!"

And all the other "wrestlers" would say similar things.

To "wrestling" audiences, these threats are humorous, because we know that most real thugs (say, Crips) would respond to such aggressive melodrama by simply walking up to the speaker and beating the snot out of him.

However, these targets are boxers. Remember how Muhammad Ali would psych out his foes by acting half-sanely violent towards them at the weigh-ins, having to be physically forced away? That ploy won Ali more than one match. It follows that properly-delivered lines like, "I'll stop you like a bad check!" or "I'll whack you so hard, your kids will be born dizzy!" would sap the boxers' courage, enabling an easy win for the "wrestlers."

By the time a Minnesota Special Forces team infiltrates into the arena's sound booth, enabling member Garrison Keilor to pipe in his tales from Lake Wobegon and mellow out all resistance, the chihuahuas would already be finishing seconds.

- Matt Bricker

At first I was going to go with the boxers on this one, but then I decided not. This wouldn't even be a close match, I mean, let's look at the match realistically.

-Foreman and Hogan: Both part of the geriatric generation, each has shown they can still hang with the younger crowd and take them to school. However, I have to give this one to Hogan, who weekly takes on guys half his age and wins.

-Steve Austin and Mike Tyson: Both men have been touted as mean SOB's, and each one was feared in his field. However that fear is now for different reason; Austin's for his ferocious fighting, Tyson for his voracious appetite. Each man has won the championship. But Tyson when he first came out of jail got a job working for WWF and after being threatened by Austin, left the WWF soon after his stint as a special guest referee. That will work as an advantage for Austin because he knows Tyson is scared of him and doesn't want to get into a wrestlers ring with Austin. Since this is each fighting according to his profession, Austin is going to see the ring as a wrestling ring. This match-up goes to Austin.

-Chyna and Oscar: This one I will have to go with Oscar for three reasons. He wears a cup to the ring as all good boxers do so Chyna's low-blow, her most devistating attack, is rendered useless. He can take a lot of pain, and let's face it, how much can Chyna dish out that Oscar hasn't taken before? And finally, I just want someone to knock that b--ch into next week.

-The Rock and Butterbean: The Rock will win this one because of one deciding factor: The RAGE. His ego is so tremendously big that once he realizes that he has to fight someone named Butterbean who isn't even a big draw, he's going to lay the smack down so fast that Butterbean will be nothing but a memory. Then he'll turn around and get a shot at De LaHoya and kick his roody pooh candy a** all over the ring, thereby negating the win Oscar had over Chyna. He is the People's Champion.

-Holyfeild and Goldberg: This one goes to Goldberg, even though many will dispute this right off the bat. The reason being that Bill Goldberg used to be a professional football player. If he uses the same amount of force for a spear as he would for a tackle, he'll knock Holyfield out then jackhammer him into a ringpost. Bye, bye Evander.

-And finally, there's the managers: Lou Albino will whoop a** over Don King in about three seconds flat. While King's yelling about how good Tyson is and how he shouldn't be discriminated against, Lou will walk up to him, catch him with a right hand and knock him so hard it will straighten out his hair.

There you have it, with that much carnage, each wrestler decides that their share of the billion, 200 million is enough. Especially since Chyna was taken out by De LaHoya. All but two that is. Bill Goldberg and Steve Austin decide to once and for all see who is the better wrestler and put the debate to rest between WCW and WWF fans in true GRUDGEMATCH fashion.

But that is another story...

- Q-Man

If this were France, WWF would win. A surreal collection of misfits in tights would appeal to their sense of existential irony. Imagine a black turtlenecked frenchmen with a jaunty beret stating (after a long draw on an unfiltered cigarette): "Of course they would win, wrestling is Absurd!"

However, this ain't France.

- LT Dan

Bugs Bunny beat a wrestler. Bugs Bunny got beaten by a boxer. It's as simple as that: If a boxer can beat someone who beat a wrestler (The uberbunny, no less), a boxer can beat a wrestler.

- Vermin Boy, who thinks this debate should have been settled by Muhammad Ali vs. Freddie Blassie.

You guys just wanted a match you could put Mr T into, right?

*quickly* Not that there's anything wrong with that.

- O.P.

I don't know much about wrestling or boxing, so I'll do the best I can:

As the others duke it out in the ring, Captain Lou slips under the ring and emerges moments later in his old Super Mario costume. As he bounces around the ring, jumping from one head to the next, his contribution to the original WWF Rock 'n' Wrestling album begins blaring over the speakers! (Captain Lou! Captain Lou! Captain Lou! Captain Lou!)The sound causes most of the audience to begin jerking and spasming in epileptic fits as "Super Mario" crushes the final survivor, Don King, underfoot.

Quickly scotch taping half a dozen rubber bands to his face, Super Mario Lou stands triumphantly over the shattered remains of his fellow combatants.

As Mr. T steps forward to hand Lou the sack of cash, The Captain turns to the fromer A-Team member and says, "Hey, you ever considered joining a tag team?"

And so, for the next several decades tag-team wrestling with the newly formes Super Lou's Wrestling Federation is dominated by the mastrful duo of Super Mario Lou and Mr. T! Lou's da man, and don't you forget it!

- Don "King" Milliken

Boxers can't perform the bone-crushing wrestling moves, the death-defying ring-manipulations, or the powerful and versatile techniques of wrestling!

...on the other hand, neither can the wrestlers. Boxers beat Wrestlers in five seconds. And then bite their ears off.

- Istanbul

I definetly have to go for the wrestlers winning on this one. First of all most of the time actually fighting is easier than faking it. Not only that, but anyone who has ever seen MTV Celebrity Death Match(tm) would know, Stone Cold Steve Austin(tm) never loses when his life is in danger, damnit! Hell, I even saw one match that he won, and he wasn't even supposed to be part of it. Sure, the boxers will be off to an early lead from Mike Tyson's patented Ear Bite(tm), but Stone Cold(tm) would sooner watch Tyson eat his own, still attached to his head, ear, than let Tyson's mouth get that close to his face. Stone Cold will be the last wrestler in, and will be the only human to leave, which means that Don King might somehow survive.

- Bubba

Before we begin, I would just like to say that I am a wrestling fan.

Go on, say what you want, I've heard it all before. But before you go too far, realize one thing: this one is going to the boxers. Here's why:

As a 16-year-old wrestling fan, I have been put into many of these moves. Now realize this, especially you Paul:
Aside from submissions,


Now that that's been made clear, I will go on. I said aside from submissions above. But, if you'll notice, not one of the wrestlers in the fight uses a submission as their finishing move. NOT ONE. With all the wrestlers throwing the boxers around, they'll soon tire themselves out, and the boxers will make quick work of them. Even Foreman, while he's having his in-ring snack and Meineke endorsement. Boxers, no contest.

- Kopper Golyathe, still standing after half-a-dozen neckbreakers

This "fight" would be even shorter than Mike Tyson's comeback. For the first half the wrestlers would be trying out their vast array of dazzling and high-flying moves against their boxer opponents, only to realize that for a wwf move to actually work the other person has to cooperate and allow you to hit him! After getting pummeled by the boxers, one of the wrestlers will no doubt try every wrestler's most infallible move, taking out the referee with a steel chair. Big mistake! After the chair breaks over his head Mr. T will single handedly pick up each one of the steriod-filled wrestler/actors and throw them helluva far! End of match. The boxers take the prize (and the leftover ears they pick up off the mat).

- El Weirdo

Not only are we pitting THESE boxers and THESE wrestlers against one another, but technically, this concerns the entire worlds of both sports. So both worlds are involved, right?

First, let's talk about real life. Twenty years after it happened, even today, some people are still saying, "Hey, ever see the Ali-Foreman fight?" One second after the 80's ended, nobody has ever said anything like, "Hey, ever see the Mr. Perfect-Narcissist fight?" Nobody has ever cared once the 1990s kicked in.

Second, let's talk about movies. What did boxing have? Raging Bull and Rocky. Wrestling's Hulk Hogan comes up with Mr. Nanny and (shudder) Santa with Muscles. Better wrestling/wrestler movies will come along, but they're still a long way off to find what boxing has already achieved.

Third, let's talk about video games. Boxing has been the subject of a lot of great games starting in the mid-80's: Punch-Out!!, King of the Rings, Street Fighter (through the character Balrog) and Super Punch-Out!! From 1984-1997, all wrestling games sucked.

Real life or fantasy, the wrestlers lose by a decade.

- Charge Man

On the surface this would seem to be a cakewalk for the boxers since boxers know how to fight, whereas wrestlers only know how to pretend to fight. But then you must figure in the x-factor in this match, which is the fans. The fans always pump up the wrestlers by chanting their names.

Holyfield might get the early advantage on Hogan, but, when Hulk hears the fans chanting, he'll start shaking like an epileptic and become impervious to pain. Thus, The Real Deal(tm) will eventually be dispatched via the Legdrop.

The fans will then see Goldberg getting hammered by Butterbean. They'll start the Goldberg chant and, a spear and a Jackhammer later, that will be it for Butterbean.

And so on, Austin lays out Tyson, Chyna will give De La Hoya the Low Blow of Death(tm), and all of a sudden it's five wrestlers versus the geriatric George Foreman.

The crowd starts chanting for The Rock. "Rocky! Rocky!", they cry. This brings about the downfall of the wrestlers. Because out of the back comes the one boxer who the fans will chant for, none other than ROCKY Balboa a.k.a. Sylvestor Stallone.

Mr. T, while ever vigilant, is refereeing a match that involves wrestlers which means he can be distracted very easily ("Look, a guy wearing a hat!"). Don King does his managerial duty by diverting T's attention. This allows Stallone to punch out Captain Lou (I mean c'mon, it's Captain Lou) and then get the rest of the wrestlers to leave the ring when he promises them roles in his next movie Rambo:Offsetting the failure of Judge Dredd. Of course all the wrestlers will follow, because what wrestler can pass up a part in a bad action movie?

Only then will Mr T. turn around and count out the wrestlers. Then, to the shock and amazement of all present, he'll declare Evander Holyfield's corpse the winner claiming that, from his view, Holyfield won the fight.

- King of No Media

A GREAT football player (Too Tall Jones) tries boxing and gets Whupped Arsed.....

A SUCKY football player (Bill Goldberg) tries wrestling and Whupps arse...

Just remember: Boxing is real, Britney Spears is fake.

- Darth Brooks would like to take a lightsaber to Britney Spears.(hey!...)

This match will go to boxers and it is because of a powerful ally.

Most people know that boxing is *really* controlled, not by Don King, but a group who prefer to be known as "legitimate businessmen". On the other hand, wrestling is run by Vince McMahon. With a purse of one billion dollars, there is no way the Legitimate Businessmen (TM) are going to let that slip away. Against their track record of fixing sports events (to help keep their bookies and numbers rackets in business), Vince McMahon and the WWF don't stand a chance.

What will happen is that the WWF and the wrestlers will receive an offer they cannot refuse (if they value their existence) and throw the match. End of game.

- The Demented Astronomer

So what if wrestling is fake? The only reason it is is because everyone inside the square circle ***knows*** what the other is about to do. Throw them in with a bunch of people who don't know what's going on and within minutes, the boxers are chihuahua chow. Besides, the boxers main contenders are all managed by hair-man Don King. They never fight for more than 5 minutes. It's in their contract.

- Bjmmn

Why should I care? Why do you care? Why would ANYONE care? Let them kill each other off and we can all watch tractor pulls.

- I don't actually like tractor pulls, either.

The boxers, definitely. Heck, those dogs are meaner than chihuahuas. And I hear tell they staged a revolution in China. That's gotta be worth some points. I mean, they eat dogs there.

- Kung Fu Cellist

Alright, the wrestlers have this one, but not because of their skill. There is one reason they will win it, and that is:

The Captain Lou=Mario Connection

As most of us know, Captain Lou Albano played our dear friend Mario on the short-lived TV Super Mario show. With this in mind, let's check out Captain Lou's skills as Mario:

Can jump really high
One jump on the head kills
Power mushroom makes him very large
Fire Flower gives him power to shoot fireballs
Can do a really cool dance at the end of the show

Now, all Captain Lou has to do is get the Power mushroom, and jump on all the boxers and Don King. And if he fails the first time, he's got five more chances, as well as the elusive, but helpful "1-Up" mushroom hiding in the corner. He'll be unstoppable!

And then he'll do the Mario! "Swing your arms, from side to side, come on its time to go, do the Mario! Take one step, and then again, come on its time to go do the Mario!"

- Tom, the Mario Bros. nephew, still confused by how to do the dance

Boxers, definitely, 'cause they're bigger where it counts, and they're just plain comfortable. Though I think that briefs could have been a contender in this match.

- Mark Milan

Hmmm. Both commentators have made compelling arguments: Paul- Boxers are pansies. Shane- Wrestling is fake.

Ah, but apparently neither one of you bothered to watch that MTV special on Wrestling awhile back. In this show they featured a has- been called Tony Atlas, who is now travelling the independent circuit. To boost attendance, Mr. Atlas (Who is both a wrestler and semi-promoter) will sometimes hold "Stock Matches". In these stock matches...


That's right, these people really kick the crap out of each other in these matches. Since our good referee is Mr. T, we can be assured that this will be one of those Stock Matches. The boxers with those sissy gloves of theirs won't even be able to faze our primed and ready wrestling team. And besides, even if it's NOT a stock match, any wrestler will tell you that being backbroken, body- slammed, Rock-Bottom(tm)ed, etc. HURTS, regardless of whether or not the action is fake. With all these moves at their disposal, Albano and company mop the floor with the boxers in under a minute flat.

- Dark Fact

The ultimate form of good ol' American entertainment would involve warriors slaying each other live on pay-per-view. But there are pesky laws prohibiting that at present. So which comes closer to the ideal, boxing or wrestling? Since boxing typically results in genuine physical harm by design - whereas wrestlers are only really injured in freak accidents - surely boxing is better entertainment for the bloodthirsty hordes. Thus, it will win.

- tuffy

Last year, I went to a music lecture at my school. The guy doing the lecture was a regular to the college circuit, each year coming to town with a different decade of music to yammer about. Each time it was a full multimedia experience, with music, slides, and video clips.

This particular year he was talking about the eighties. Plenty of video clips, with a whole lot of brand new neato eighties video lighting techniques. (Whoo, the whole stage is overlit! Looks great on that giant primped hair.)

You rooted for your personal favorites when they popped up. Being in New Jersey, Bruce Springsteen got a big rooting section when his first slide hit the canvas. Ditto for Billy Joel, U2 and, for some reason, Men Without Hats.

If you weren't enthuiastic for someone, you didn't clap. You sat on your hands like Ed Harris or Nick Nolte when Elia Kazan got his Lifetime Oscar. Every musician shown had at least one guy who kept his hands stationary, muttering "Yeah, HE's good." That was me for the New Kids.

But one person got a unanimous positive reaction. There wasn't a still hand in the joint. Everyone gave it up for one person. And he wasn't even a musician, just someone that happened to be in one of the video clips.

That video clip was Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, by Cyndi Lauper.

And that man was Captain Lou Albano.

There is not a man, woman or child alive today who doesn't love Captain Lou with all their heart. What's not to love? Hawaiian shirt, rubber bands, bags under the eyes the size of bagels. He proved to America that you didn't need to be attractive, or talented, or even under 300 lb to be an international superstar. Only your heart matters, and Lou's was bursting with love and energy and cholesterol. And let's not forget his dignified portrayal of Mario in the Super Mario Brothers series.

Forget the Rock, Lou is the people's champion. Based on this, the crowd will destroy the first through sixth boxers to touch a hair on Lou's quivering jowl.

- Kilgore Trout

I used to work at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas where I had the chance to actually see and meet these guys in the flesh.

I have to vote for the wrestlers because they're the hardest working athletes on the planet. They don't take a break until the show is over and even then they don't party after bedtime. And I'm a big guy, 6'3" and 300 pounds. The midget wrestlers are bigger than me.

On the other hand, Tyson is a spoiled badboy that can't stay out of the slammer or keep his hand out of the cookie jar. George Foreman spent most of the morning runnng around the MGM Grand and the afternoon sitting in the food court chowing down on Big Macs. Butterbean and Evander are the only two good assets on the boxers' side. But the wrestlers have had years to learn how to work together, while the boxers know zip about team tactics.

And everybody here hates Don King.

And in the wake of the riot that will occur afterwards, the resulting fatalities will be blamed on "falling stanchions".

- Martin Evans

A friend of mine attended high school with one of George Foreman's sons, George, at the Fay School in Southboro, MA.

When asked why his dad named all of his sons 'George', George said, "Well... my dad does get hit in the head a lot."

Despite this, boxers will win because wrestling is fake and homo- erotic.

- Griffin Bryant

Here I was, looking at the list of contestants. Ho hum. A bunch of no sell pansies on one side, and a bunch of sell out pansies on the other. That is, until I saw the big, ugly white dude in the list of boxers. That's right, I saw Butterbean.

Awww yeah.

Nothing else matters in this match, not the rottweiler's weight in chiuhuahahahahaas (or whatever those little yap things are), not the chainsaw wielding soccer hooligans, not all the gold chains around Mr. T's neck. It all comes down to Butterbean Aka "The Toughest Man Alive". He kicks all the wrestlers to the curb, and once he does that in record time, realizes that bit of gratuitous just wasn't enough to sate his taste for HUMAN FLESH, and takes the fight to the remaining boxers. 5 minutes later, Butterbean and Mr. T are drinking a toast to Bean's newfound fortune.

The end.

- A.o.D.

Approximately 45% of the male population wears briefs.
Approximately 54% of the male population prefer boxers.
The remaining percentage covers those who would not respond to the poll. (They were probably too busy being gov. of Minnesota.) This leaves 0% percent of the male population prefers wrestlers.

Boxers win.

- Al B. Tross

Wow, major brain damage in deciding here. Hmm, lets see.

Good at standing, some maneuvering, and punching, sizes range from small and wiry to large and powerful, referee always looking, have padded gloves.

Good at jumping from ropes, bodyslamming, and neck-breaking, sizes range from large and powerful to enormous and godlike, referee always off somewhere having a smoke or a burger whenever a near-fatal move is being delivered, only padding is on the posts of the ring, and that's taken off 3 minutes into the show.

And as if these facts weren't enough, wrestling also has sidekicks. Sidekicks are important, because they're always in there, smacking the opponent's head with anything from a folding chair to a lead pipe, or, with a female sidekick, distracting either the other competitor or even the ref with their, uh, attributes (yeah, that'll do)!

And still, there's more. Wrestling has given us the current governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, a frickin' Navy SEAL! A SEAL!!!!! These are guys who get shot at (with real bullets, mind you!) and don't care. Jesse himself wanted to rappel off of the State Capitol in Minnesota for his first day! For those of you who aren't familiar with rappeling, it involves going somewhere high, such as a cliff, tying a rope to it, tying the rope to you (essentially) and jumping off it, with nothing but your hands to slow you down. That, my friends, takes cojones out the wazoo. If all else fails in the match, The Body" could take them out! I salute him and Stone Cold, and that's the bottom line, 'cause-

- -Tracer Malone said so!!

I really don't care who wins. I DO know, however, that Spock will materialize behind Shane, set his phaser to "Puree" and deal swift justice. This will happen for two reasons:

1) Spock is getting rather sick of getting his face rubbed in the Star Trek entrails. After all, what could any man do to Chewbacca? What could any thing (except John McClane) destroy the Death Star without photon torpedoes?

2) The Boss Man reference was EXTREMELY weak. Must Star Trek be quoted in every single match? The Star Trek death-by-association argument must only be used if strong ties are present, else it will follow the same path as the Rage(tm). Oh, mighty Rage(tm), look how far he has fallen! Quoted endless times, all power lost! For the sake of good and decency, Star Trek must NOT be used in vain!

- Mourner of the Rage(t...oh, screw it, it's not funny anymore)

I can't come up with any logical reasons who to vote for this time, and lacking a "Both Out for the Count" button I suppose I'll have to go on instinct. And my instincts tell me anybody with Don King in their group picture deserves to die. I can only hope that the wrestlers are kind enough to involve him when the fight inevitably moves outside the ring (my suggestion being impaling George Foreman on his hair, the resulting weight crushing King's skull and killing two birds with one Stone Cold...).

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Ah, the age old question.....Boxers vs Wrestlers..... Since I dont spend any time watching boxing or wrestling on television, I decided to base my decision on people that I actually know. So...The toughest and meanest man I have ever known is my Uncle Bob. Nobody messes with this guy. I saw him blow up a bridge once over a dispute with the railroad. This while he was the town Mayor. This is a man who while helping to build a reservoir for the town, was hit by a falling tree that the lumber jack failed to warn him about. He had several ribs broken in the accident. Instead of going to the hospital, he taped his chest up with duct tape no less and went back to work. In his younger days, Bob was a Golden Gloves Boxer. Now, compare this with the only wrestler I had anything to do with. My High School Boyfriend. This guy, (we'll call him Cory) was an All State Wrestling champion. Captain of the Wrestling team. Had college wrestling recruiters knocking at his door. I believe he did quite well in college also. (Granted, I know that Professional wrestling is a lot different than HS wrestling, but go with me on this) Now Cory was at least 9 inches taller than me and outweighed me by a good 90 lbs. But he was also scared to death of me. If I got angry, he sniveled in the corner. The last I heard of him, he was working as a tow truck driver.

So my vote has to go with the boxers on this one. I tried to imagine Cory as a Professional wrestler, but I believe that one look from any other wrestler would send him crying to his corner.

- Ellie

Bill Goldberg: Absentmindedly combining his "Who's next?" slogan with the WNBA's "We got next" slogan, he goes to the wrong arena and beats the crap out of Lisa Leslie.

The Rock: The who?

Steve Austin: Wentz 3:16 says no.

Hulk Hogan: Cha-cha-cha-chia face.

Chyna: The picture chosen makes her look like Maria Shriver on steroids--making her even more deadly!

Capt. Lou Albano: Kudos to the only Lou in the world whose nickname doesn't include "Sweet." Unfortunately, he won't enjoy the sweet taste of victory.

Oscar De La Hoya: What the hell? The WWWF is no place for talent! Who let him in?

Butterbean: As a vegetarian, I know that if anything can empty a room/ring it's a butterbean

Mike Tyson: Befuddled when he bites Albano's ear and spends the rest of the event chewing on a rubber band.

Evander Holyfield: Holyfield? Is that a euphemism for cemetery? That's where Evander will be at the end of this one.

George Foreman: Discovering death is a low-fat way to lose weight, he'll get an infomercial to sell the idea.

Don King: "Only in America (TM)" can one man get so pummeled so quickly by so many

- Mark Wentz

It's the boxers. I don't know jack about boxing, but I do know that Wrestlers MUST DIE. The reasons:

1) Half-naked sweaty men wearing makeup and strutting, then trying to get on top of each other. Does Uncle Morton have to spell it out for you?

2) All wrestlers are huge, especially compared to boxers, as Paul so eloquently pointed out. But this is not a good thing. If there is one thing years of vapid televised entertainment has taught me, it's that big guys lose. Bluto vs. Popeye. That Wizard Guy vs. the Smurfs. Tom vs. Jerry. Every time, lose, lose, lose.

3) In the above, all the examples were cartoons, ne c'est pas? There's a very good reason for that: The Wrestling World is about as divorced from reality as anything Warner Bros. ever put out. They have no clue how to fight for real. The boxers might not, either, but the fans are close enough to throw things at them, meaning they have some experience with pain, as opposed to wrestlers, who are as seperated from their fans as from anything else.

4) Speaking of experiences with pain... Wrestlers don't get that big from exercise, miladdo. They take steroids by the boxful. Which means that EVERY wrestler in this fight has shrunken, hardened, walnut-testicles. And when the aforementioned groin-punch hits them, the walnuts are gonna shatter, and... <Cue male crotch-hit empathy, where all male readers feel the pain...>

The results: All the male wrestlers are left pummeled and bleeding where no man wants to bleed, Chyna joins the boxing side and becomes Mike Tyson's love slave (well, I couldn't kill her, could I?), and after the fight is over, Mr. T stalks off, muttering menacing things about Vince McMahon...

Cue end credits and WWWF theme music (any suggestions?)

- Morton Van Buggery, Critic with a Shotgun

Boxers take wrestlers? Oh please. Don't make me laugh, I have chapped lips.

First of all, wrestlers have guys like Dan Severn and Ken Shamrock on their side. I find it amusing to think of Mike Tyson trying to throw punches with broken arms.

Secondly, how many boxers have been thrown off of 15-foot tall steel cages? How many boxers have broken their collar-bones and dislocated their shoulders, and then continued the match only to be thrown onto a pile of thumbtacks? After that kind of treatment, would a boxer keep coming back for more? Of course not, a boxer would complain about his sprained pinky finger and call it off.

Thirdly, speaking of Mike Tyson, they had to stop the fight when he bit off Evander Holyfield's ear. The same thing happened to Mick Foley in a match against Vader in Japan. Mick finished the match with his ear hanging off by a thread of gristle. (Good Imagery, huh?)

Fourthly, Andrew Golatta (sorry if I misspelled it, don't hit me in the nuts) can hit guys in the pills. Big deal. Name one 105-pound female valet in wrestling who hasn't hit someone in the nuts at one time or another. I dare you. Those who haven't, have done worse, like hit guys in the head with cookie sheets and set them on fire. If a girl could thus beat down a boxer, then why not a 6'6 300 pound mountain of muscle in tights?

Fifthly, I've tried both wrestling and boxing. Wrestling's tougher. The fact that these guys can attempt those "fake" moves four nights a week and not get killed speaks enough for their testicular fortitude. The final count: When I backyard wrestled, I got a dislocated kneecap, a bloody nose, a sprained shoulder, two or three lumps on my head, and I got my hair set on fire. When I boxed I got a black eye. Jeepers. A black eye. You could get a black eye by running into a door. If a boxer couldn't cause any more damage then running into a door, then I don't know why we shell out 60 bucks for a 20 minute (if we're lucky) fight.

Finally, I own five wrestling shirts. Most of my friends own wrestling shirts. Where's my Mike Tyson T-shirt you may ask? Or my Leon Spinks Lunch Box? What about my Golatta 3:16 baseball jersey? Or my Butterbean Colostomy bag? They're all in the land of make-believe, just like the boxer's chances of coming out of this in one piece.

- The Black Goat

Alas, alas, the deadly, horrifying yet truthful fact MUST be brought into the open: Wreslting is fake. Boxing is real. No matter how much I try to immense myself in the world of WWF and WCW, anyone who is in their right mind can tell those moves aren't for real. Without a script to work with, the wrestlers will be eating Boxing Ring Floor Material(TM).

Now I must run away from all surrounding WWF and WCW fans. They can be as rapid as your average Star Wars(TM) or Marvel(TM) fans.

- Help!! I'm a Microsoft employee in a romm full of Mac users

You guys forgot one thing: Wrestlers are the biggest schemers in all of sportsdom. You ever hear of Browns players making alliances with Steelers? Buckeyes and Wolverines? No! Only wrestling has enemies making alliances and pacts! The wrestlers have teamwork and a secret plan. Chris Jericho bores all of the boxers to death with his long ramblings and out come the deadly duo: Undertaker and Paul Wight! These two begin to Tombstone and Showstop all of the boxers. And as a special treat, Don King, Mike Tyson, and George Foreman are chokeslammed right through the canvas!

- Ryan

First of all, lets get one thing straight: BOXING SUCKS. Now, that being said, let me get on with my commentary: There are TWO REASONS AND TWO REASONS ONLY why the wrestlers will win.....# 1: STEROIDS (tm)! Those wussy boxing leagues have DRUG TESTS(tm) and thus protect their boxers from ROID RAGE(tm). However, in wrestling, the promoters ENCOURAGE STEROID(tm) USE! Look at Vince McMahon! He nearly went to prison for giving his wrestlers steroids(tm)! And speaking of ROID RAGE(tm), look at the words involved: RAGE(tm) The wrestlers clearly have the RAGE(tm) (albeit artificially gifted via steroids(tm)) and if you got the RAGE(tm), then you got the victory. # 2: MR. T!! That's right, MR. T HIMSELF!!! WHY? BECAUSE AT WRESTLEMANIA I(TM) MR. T !WRESTLED! AGAINST RODDY PIPER AND HIS PARTNER!! Therefore, Mr. T will turn on those boxing chumps (lets face it, Mr. T wouldn't be able to remain impartial. After all, any special special referees within 20 feet of a wrestlers always get involved in the match) There. I rest my case. The Wrestlers in 20.

- The Leg

Personally, I feel that the Wrestlers will take the contest hands down. Why, I hear you ask? Surely, you say, wrestling is all about fat sweaty men hugging and groping each other. Well, after taking the time to inform you that you are talking about Rugby, I would tell you otherwise.

You see, wrestlers just have more class.

When was the last time you saw Evander Holyfield walk into the ring yelling "WHAT DOES EVERY BODY WAAAANT!?!?!? HEAD HEAD HEAD HEAD HEAD HEAD HEAD!!!" David Tua enters to a shower of gold sparkles- shit, David Tua hasn't got the balls to even look at a dress and blonde wig, let alone wear one.

The common misconception is that wrestling is fake. Well, dagnabbit, the WWF is fake, sure. Yet most professional wrestlers also know how to make them moves hurt as well, Mark Mero, the Undertaker, and Hulk Hogan notwithstanding. But they're gimps, and don't count.

And, well, that would be the bottom line, but, I'm not an Austin mark.

- The Black Snotling, saying, "HANDS LIKE THIS! HANDS LIKE THIS! HANDS LIKE THIS! HANDS LIKE THIS!" over and over and over again...

Hmmmm.... lemme see here.

You mean to tell me a bunch of broken-down fatboys are gonna beat wrestling's finest(and Hulk Hogan)? Sorry, folks. You might cower at the one-punch KO potential from Foreman and Butterbean(the number he did on Bart Gunn at Wrestlemania was impressive...) You may marvel at the technical excellence of Holyfield and De La Hoya. You may fear the pure evil of Tyson.

But this is a GRUDGE MATCH, folks.

Anything goes. How do you expect the boxers to throw a decent chairshot with those *#$@#$@#$ gloves on? Sorry, but weapons beats no weapons every day of the week.

And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so... no, hold on, If you smeeeeeeeell what the Rock is cookin'... no, wait, Who's next... uh-uh...

The best there is, the best there was, the... definitely not...

Oh, yeah...


- Todd Evil

=( I'm going to cry. Why? Why has this, young, virile, strong-yet- sensitive young Adonis (note: the preceeding adjectives are only a side-effect of my Massively Overdeveloped Ego(tm), and should in no way be taken seriously) been reduced to Gut-Wrenching Sobs(tm) and Inconsolable Laments(tm)? Because, fellow Grudgies, I have been forced, on the basis of principle, to side with the blackened, writhing, irredeamable mass that is known as Professional Wrestling. Much to my charign and Abject Shame(tm), I noticed a female-ish creature among the ranks of the Professional Wrestlers. And, as per my standing claim in a previous Grudge-match, and I quote, "the female version of ANYTHING will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS beat the aforementioned Holy Living Crap(tm) out of its poor, pathetic "male"(tm) counterpart." "But aren't they of different professions?" young, inexperienced WWWFers might enquire.... True- but, at the heart of things, Boxers and Professional Wrestlers are cousins at least. The major difference between the two would seem to be the level of Reality(tm) inherent to their matches. As such, the femalish-ish creature pictured in the match up would be the last one standing in the current match.....

(Note- unless, of course, we were to include ALL boxers vs. ALL Wrestlers, in which case those REALLY freaky Female Boxers would beat the Living Day-Lights(tm) out of EVERYthing in the auditorium, and bound off, looking for some English Soccer Hooligans to challenge.... or date, depending on how drunk either party might be... oh, hey, where's the suggestion box!!)

- D@t@-Kun

The only wrestler I ever knew was a pig farmer by day/wrestler by night. He always won all his matches. But I dont think it was from muscle strength. I think it was from the smell. Would you wrestle with a really big guy that rolled around in pig manure? I think not. I never met any boxers before. But that Oscar De La Hoya dude is such a hottie. So I'm gonna go with the boxers.

- Aspen

Hey, at least boxing looks real...

- Nazgul

Wrestling is fake. Boxing is real. This is Grudge Match. That is why the wrestlers will win.

The boxers aren't fighting the actors but the personalities. The boxers aren't fighting Duane Johnson; they are fighting the Rock. The boxers aren't fighting Steve Williams; they are fighting Stone Cold Steve Austin.

You see, unlike the actors, the wrestlers' personalities have special powers. It's like Spock and Leonard Nimoy. Unlike Nimoy, Spock has the ability to do the Vulcan Neck Pinch.

So as Butterbean smashes Goldberg in the head with his fists, Bill will just yell at him and give him a Jackhammer. As Tyson gives out punches that could break a brick wall, Hogan will just shake his head and stare at him. Every time a boxer swings a punch at the Rock he'll just duck it and give out a Rock Bottom.

The match ends with the Rock giving Don King a People's Elbow that gets a standing ovation that nearly breaks off the roof of the arena. Then Captain Lou will jump in the ring and do the Mario!

- Gavok (swing your arms from side to side...)

Fighters against testosterone impaired guys who wear WHAT?

- Master Ariadne, Mara Jade, Endaira, Jezabel, and all the rest of us trapped in this sick excuse for a mind.

Shane, you failed to notice that the French won the last Soccer World Cup tournament. This throws into doubt the validity of the rest of the arguments you put forward in your, um, argument and so I must agree with Paul. The Wrestlers will win...

- Harjap

No, it just puts into doubt whether soccer is any big deal. See my commentary above. -- Shane

Paul, let me get this straight; you set up this match, and you sided with the Wrestlers?!?!?

That's about on par with trying to distinguish Al Gore from a piece of wood yelling "Fake" at a Wrestling match writing COW in hopes of making The Last Word (TM) insulting Mr. T's mother something, I don't know what.

- Luc "Strikethro^H^H^H^H Three" French

WWF appears on Channel 5 in the UK. Channel five is cheap, tacky, and has less sport than the BBC (now THAT'S saying something), in fact, their schedule consists of Xena folowed by Hercules followed by Robin Hood, all of which are complete reworkings, and are thus imaginary. The late night schedule is, soft porn sex fantasy after soft porn sex fantasy, therefore, it is very safe to say, if you want something imaginary/fake, go to Channel 5, thus I must vote for Boxing. Face it, when you (or I) am in a fight, do you pile drive or punch?

- Seb Rabit

Here's how i see the fight going:

"Aaaaaaaaaalet'sgetreadytotuuuuuuumbllllllle!" and the contestents charge straight at each other. Being all just a little lacking the the brain cell(plural) department after years of whacking the hell out'a each other (not that they had that many to start with), they collide head on, and reel around in a mildly concussed manner before getting their vision back. When they can once again see without all the little birdies tweeting around their heads, they take a good look around and see 10 other fighting guys and one gal trying to work out who the hell they're supposed to fight.

Lets face it, team spirit is not going to be either team's greatest asset: all they do is fight each other anyway. The question is, do they fight together for the greater good (ie: decimating the other team), or do they simply whoop the hell out of those most familiar to them. As has already been said - these guys don't have enough processing power to change a lightbulb, let alone solve compex problems like this. Therefore they just lay into whoever's nearest, regardless of the team colors.

As the blood flows freely around the stadium the weaker opponents get mushed into the ground and the stronger ones bleed on them as we get down to the final two contestants. As Oscar de la Hoya dispatches Chyna, a hush falls over the stadium as he steps forward to win his trophy. Suddenly an animal-like shriek fills the air, and a black- clad figure stands before la Hoya.

"Ya koy asara kaling to daewoo kara?" [ "Fool! You think i would let *you* win a fighting contest?] A ski-mask is pulled away to reveal Bruce Lee, Chinese Boxer, Kung Fu extraordinaire, King of Kick Ass. De La Hoya tries to run, but is kicked sprawling on his behind by the martial arts man.

"So ya kamu do yo dosa cha!" ["You can run, but you can't hide!"] Utters Lee as he finishes off the poncy-named pratt.

The moral of this story girls and boys? Don't bother with boxers and wrestlers. They're dumb.

- "Kung Fu Kicks Ass! Ahem." -Guildenstern

You know, I've been a wrestling fan for about five years (see my name).

Also, I'm a fan of MMA, reality fighting, boxing etc.......

But First I'm a pro-wrestling fan. I LOVE IT. I enjoy how stupid it is, and do NOT miss ANY monday nights. EVER. I record both shows. That's how much I love it.

That being said: If you think that more than 1 out of every 10 wrestler can beat a boxer or that most of them even have a CHANCE...walk yourself straight into downtown rush hour traffic and stand there. Do the world a favor.

- Undertaker

Through my superior intelligence and through the use of deductive logic, I have decided that boxers will win. Why you ask? boxing (is similiar to) kick boxing (which is sort of like a) martial art (which was featured in) The Matrix (starring) Keanu Reaves (who really sucked in) Bram Stoker's Dracula (the cast of which included) Gary Oldman (who was the villain in) The Fifth Element.

On the other hand, we have Hulk Hogan starring in such fine cinema as Muppets from Space, Mr.Nanny, and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. There's also Bill Goldberg in Universal Soldier: The Return and Love Boat: The Next wave.

In summation, it's: The Matrix, Dracula, and The Fifth Element vs. Mr. Nanny and Love Boat.

- Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg

We will settle this by random criteria. Boxing has recieved a full episode tribute from The SimpsonsTM. With a 5-1 grudge match record, they are clearly ready to be judges. They have giving boxing a full episode tribute, while wrestling they have relegated to a platform for commercials. The conclusion should be obvious.

- Krusty fan #23452344

Hmm, my last response seems to have generated something of a controversy.


ME(calmly): Yes you are.


ME: Are too.


ME: Are too.


ME: Too.


ME: Too.

Hmm, who will win this shouting match, the Maychorian maiden who enjoys slaying evil Katamobic dragons in her spare time, saving millions of innocents, or the semi-literate geeks (no pun intended) who enjoying slaying brain cells in the wee hours surfing the internet? Since I'm not as arbitrary a judge as the winds of chance, I'll flip a coin. Heads, I win, tails, you lose.

Heads. I win.

Since I have no clue who should win the Boxers vs. Wrestlers match, I flipped a coin for that, too. Unfortunately, it stood on its edge, then rolled off the table and under the bed and hasn't been seen since. (You should see my dust-bunny collection. It's mammoth.)

So I reverted to the time-proven choosing method known as Eeny Meeny Moe, and thus chose the winners... Boxers.

So there it is in a nutshell. Boxers win.

- Laura of Maychoria, creator and ruler of an alternate universe

Mannnnnnnn do I feel sorry for you guys. Your gonna trashed after this fight by however loses! You also dared to suggest that Oscar De La Hoya would be a hair pulling fight. Thats gonna earn you a long nap!!! De La Hoya is a MAN. So much of a man that not even PMS can defeat him. The most vicious members of the Mexican Mafia say that if his car were in the worst part of town, with the doors open and the key in the ignition they wouldn't even consider in their wildest dreams ripping it off! I'm not joking! Anyone who can leave the most vicious criminal scum in the world cowering in their closets like little girls isn't gonna fall to some Xena wannabe! And think about it, De La Hoya is the Bantam-Weight champion! The smallest guy on their team! He alone could take out half of the wrasslers. And theirs Mike Tyson, the last guy on Earth you wanna meet in a dark alley(TM) or in an open field for that matter! He's wound up tighter than Superman's spandex and is a demon incarnate. This is a man who's been arrested over sixty times for deadly assualt and who's done some Jack The Ripper work as well such as rape. I once read somewhere that'd he'd tell his enemies "I'll make you my girlfriend." before fights. "Thats the bottom line!" just don't compare to that. Then theirs Holyfield whos even better than Tyson. Oh I forgot since this is the 80s Tyson is at full-power! My god those poor poor bastards won't know what hit em'.... I'm so sure of this I'm buying stock in what ever company sells life support systems. Oh yeah and theirs the never bet on the white guy rule too(Unless the white guy is me.) So this basically is gonna be like hitting an ant-hill with an anti- matter bomb.

Their only hope is Hulkamania(TM) and even that won't be enough.

- Captain Demento

A boxer's weight in chihuahuas stampedes through the arena devouring all that lies in it's path. Everyone loses . . . except for los chihuahuas . . .

- That damned "yo quiero" dog.

Last time Steve Austin showed up in Grudge Match(TM) he got his ass kicked three ways from Tuesday. Even thow he ditched his orange jumpsuit, this time will be no different.


- Atreyu the Rabic Robocop Fan

And just how many here know wrestling legends? Hulk Hogan? Look at him NOW - even LENO kicked his @$$. As I said, Wrestlers are all marketing. Put them in real fights and they'll be crouched on the floor calling fort their mommies while sucking their thumbs. Whereas boxing had Joe "the Brown Bomber", Muhammed Ali Clay, Joe Foreman. These guys punch through skulls harder than steel. Muhammed Ali even appeared in comic book fighting against SUPERMAN, dammit! If these guys can stand toe-to-toe with someone more powerful than a locomotive, the wrestlers are in deeper than a proctologist's arm.

- The Saint

Joe Foreman? Muhammed Ali Clay??? You're lucky Paul liked the proctologist line. -- Shane
What's wrong with proctology? -- Paul

As boxer Chuck Wepner found out in his ill fated match against Andre the Giant(the Frenchmen who went undefeated for over 10 years), the boxer will ALWAYS lose to the wrestler in a mixed match.

- the wrestling avenger

Boxers really hit people. Wrestlers only pretend to hit people. All the wrestling 'moves' require not only the co-operation, but the active ASSISTANCE of the opponent.

For some obscure reason, in the fantasy world of pro wrestling, any damaging maneuver 'stuns' the opponent, leaving him in a dazed, helpless state, wherein he limply submits to whatever pseudo-'beats' get laid on his sorry ass, until he suddenly and without warning snaps out of the daze and performs a 'reversal' which then dazes his opponent.

Wrestlers CANNOT COPE with opponents who actually resist their attacks and attempt to avoid their blows. The following scenario would enact itself six times over in this fight:

Wrestler: slaps chest of opponent.
Boxer: Punches wrestler in face.
Wrestler: Is surprised by violation of script, attempts to grab opponent.
Boxer: Hops backwards and punches opponent three more times in face.
Wrestler: Stands there stunned.
Boxer: Throws six-punch combo that opponent does not even attempt to avoid.
Wrestler: Falls to mat, unconscious or dead.

- Wrestling is to combat as Posh Spice is to Bach

Simple math, boxing kills (on average) 4 people per year. The only times a wrestler dies is when they OD on steriods or the cable breaks. Body counts are what WWWF is all about.


Initially hesitant to actually *really* hurt anyone, the combination of mob support, inter-sport rivalry, naked [1] greed and primal fear of chihuahuas releases the inhibitions of our combatants, and the finally the blood begins to flow...

Little do they know that there are those out there who never possessed such inhibitions, those whom are a danger to society, decency, and civilization as we know it, those whom we keep barely in check by frequent administration of bottled inhibitions.

"WHO STOLE MY RITALIN MONEY!" comes the anguished shriek, as Vlad, barely recognizable beneath a literal haze of RAGE (TM), rips through the ropes and begins killing indiscriminately. [2] Blood, teeth, internal organs and jagged bits of bone fly. The carnage is terrible.

"Oh, the humanity!" [3] plagiarizes Don King, before being turned into kibble. [4]

Suddenly, in a crash of broken planks and sudden burst of sunlight, a WW II Japanese Zero fighter smashes through the roof! A funky beat blares from the stadium speakers.

Hulk Hogan (Getting his geriatric ass ripped to shreds): "Hey! Isn't that the A-Team theme song?" [5]

As the last combatants succumb to a frenzied Vlad, and the crowd panics in a frantic attempt to avoid the out of control airplane, a small package falls, unnoticed, from the belly of the plane. It describes a graceful arc, flying through the air, to land squarely in the middle of the ring, detonating in the first, and hopefully only, ever use of a Ritalin-Air bomb by the US military. [6]

Vlad, sedated, crashes to the Ground before the last remaining figure in the ring, Mr. T. [7]

Mr. T. (Looking disdainfully down at Vlad.): "You're lucky Murdock got here before you tried any of that crazy shit on me. I pity the fool!"

[1] Don't go there.
[2] I'm sure Vlad is actually a very nice person. No offence, but sometimes we must follow the call of our muse.
[3] Well, in this bunch, more or less humanity.
[4] At least the Chihuahuas will be happy.
[5] There is no A-Team Jihad.
[6] Or rogue commando squad thereof.
[7] I let you Grudgemeister types figure out who technically wins, considering our Hero's considerable qualifications.

- martinl

Well, I was going to vote for the wrestlers, but last night I saw "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on Conan O'Brian. He was reading peoms from Jewel..... JEWEL!

- Shaft

What would fighting be if there wasn't at least one more round? We have unlocked the Ritalin™ Reading Room for those of you who aren't yet punch drunk or who haven't been hit over the head with a folding chair. These extra-long responses are perfect as you wait for Hulk Hogan or George Foreman to reach the ring using their walkers.


The Final Word

The winner is Pay-Per-View for charging $600 to watch this match, and people will STILL BUY IT.

- Budo

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Rocky v. Rambo
Martha Stewart v. Kathie Lee Gifford
Dennis Rodman v. RuPaul

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Next match: Back to school.
ETA: Wednesday, September 15th.

© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC