Pontiac, Michigan - 90,000 screaming, drunken WWWF fans have packed the Pontiac Silverdome for the main event of WrestleManya IV. After an undercard packed with violent Chihuahua battles, the house lights dim and the crowd goes berserk. The ring announcer grabs the house mike and addresses the audience.
"Ladiiiieeesss and gentlemennnnn..... this is the MAIN EVENT! The two contestants have agreed to meet in an anything-goes no-holds-barred fight to the finish! They will be bound at the wrist by a leather strap, and the last one standing shall win."
"In the red corner, from Parts Unknown in Upscale Connecticut, weighing in at one hundred and ten pounds, dressed in her own line of leisure wear, she is the queen of mean on the small screen, Kathie Lee Gifford!". The boos rain down from the audience.
"And making her way to the ring area, from the Hamptons, weighing in at one hundred eighteen pounds, and wearing a light blue chambray shirt and khakis, she is the undisputed champion of the world of recycled antique crap, Martha Stewart!". As she makes her way from the entrance, a group of fans in "HotBranch! 3:16" shirts shower her in spit.
So, Mark, muster up your musings on the match between these marauding mamas!
For newer readers, you can check out the results of previous WrestleManya events: I, II, and III
MARK: Ah, the old strap match, eh? Well, if my limited wrasslin' knowledge serves me (limited in that there are only 4872 television hours of professional wrestling a week), you win a strap match by dragging your opponent to all four ring posts without interruption. Even in the unlikely event Kathie Lee could incapacitate Martha, she is not strong enough to drag Martha around the squared circle. Martha could, however, drag Kathie Lee around the ring, all the while telling us her ingenious technique for getting blood stains out of leather using only materials she finds at ringside.
Also, we have to look at the type of guests each combatant has on her television program. Kathie Lee has entertainers, mostly, on her program. While they may attract ratings, I don't know how the Moody Blues and the winner of the Mother's Day Makeover contest will help her win a no-holds-barred match.
On the other hand, Martha seems to invite guests who are experts in the craft on which she is lecturing us today. I can picture one such guest now: Martha tells the thousands in attendance, "Now, normally I like fresh products. However, I tend to prefer canned whoop-ass. Steve, will you open a can of whoop-ass for me?" To which special guest Stone Cold Steve Austin would answer "HELL YEAH!" Then, faster than you can say "Free Ric Flair," Kathie Lee Gifford parts would be flying everywhere.
This will be a glorious day for Martha Stewart.
JOHN: Well, Mark, it's finally happened: your bizarre obsession with professional wrestlers has finally come back to haunt you. The rest of the WWWF and I are worried that you're losing your critical reasoning functions. Why Stone Cold Steve Austin, the common man's wrestler, would come to the aid of Martha Stewart, former stockbroker and current überyuppie, is beyond me. I see him offering her a Steveweiser, Stewart asking if he has anything in a Rosée, and Stewart subsequently ending up on the wrong end of a Stone Cold Stunner (as if there was a right end).
But let's assume, contrary to all that logic and religion have to teach us, that SCSA ends up on the side of Ms. Stewart. Be that as it may, I intend to prove that Kathie Lee will bring even more awesome implements of destruction to ringside.
First, she can call upon former New York Giants great Frank Gifford, and future Charles Manson protogés Cody and Cassidy Gifford. Sure, Giff's an old coot, but if Howard Stern is to be believed, the kids are getting ready to star in Damien IV: Return of the Emetic. Second, and still more horrifying, to distract Martha in the style of many a pro wrestling manager, the K-L-dawg can rely on the services of the incredibly annoying Regis Philbin. RELEASE THE KRAAKEN! None shall escape the furious reach of his loathsome banter!
Third, Kathie Lee has, at her behest, a host of child sweatshop labourers who will flood the ring to destroy Stewart after Giff promises them an extra dime in their yearly pay packets and a shiny new burro for each limb recovered.
And finally, Kathie Lee Gifford can call upon the services of her biggest fan ever, the man who sings to her about his desire to "lay her down and make sweet, sweet love.". I refer, of course, to Chef from South Park. Now Stone Cold is a tough man, but I think even he'd admit that he'd end up on the losing end of a battle with the Soldier of Love, motivated to protect his princess.
Oh, and regarding your point about Kathie Lee lacking the strength to pull Stewart around the ring? Perhaps under normal circumstances you'd be right, but I think she'll have a much easier time over several trips once the former Martha Kostyra has been separated into her constituent elements.
MARK: Why would Stone Cold join forces with Martha Stewart? Criminy! Were you not paying attention? Do I have to spell it out for you? She's the one with the can of whoop-ass to open, duh! Jeepers!
Oh, and Regis Philbin is a non-factor. He'd be running around the Silverdome yelling, "Can you believe it? My co-host is in a wrestling ring! What's the world coming to?" He'd be quickly contradicted by Don King: "Only in America! Two splendiferous feminine specimens sparring spectacularly! Only in America!" The two would end up outside in a shouting match (with Regis shaking his fist at Don in mock anger).
I don't know how much of South Park you've seen, but it's so two-dimensional the characters don't walk, they slide sideways. There isn't even the illusion of three dimensions. Oh, children, any advantage Chef poses can be quickly negated with one of Martha's gazillion pairs o' pinking shears. (Oh my God! They doilied Chef! You bastard!)
You're right. Frank, Cody, and Cassidy would most likely be in K-L-dawg's posse. Remember those 4872 television hours of wrestling I mentioned? Well, in 4871 of those hours, wrestlers' allies turned traitor. The only thing you can trust about your tag-team partner is that you cannot trust your tag-team partner. Frank's feeling repressed because Kathie Lee took away his partying (not to mention his jealousy at Chef's attraction to her). Cody and Cassidy feel their privacy has been violated because Mom likes to tell their most embarrassing actions and hygiene habits on syndicated television. Given the opportunity, their loyalties will reverse direction faster than Barry Sanders.
Finally, yes, Kathie Lee Gifford is a princess--in the worst sense of the word. She would never get near a bloody body part. Even if she had the goons you describe doing the dirty work for her, she'd still have to drag Martha Stewart (as a whole or in parts) around the ring. She'd never let herself near the gore. As someone who whined about fake snow at her Disney shoots, she'd never let a drop of blood stain her or her fine (and cheaply made) clothing. However, Martha Stewart is not afraid of a little dirt and cri..er..grime. While hooligans might help injure the opponent, it's still the competitor who has to drag the loser around the ring. Kathie Lee hasn't got the guts!
JOHN: Well, of course she's got the guts: Martha's guts, that is, and in a pile right in front of her. Also Martha's spleen and brain stem. Oh, and Mark, this just came in the mail for you. It's the 1998 Setup Line of the Year award.
Come on, Mark, a wrestling fan like you knows full well that good guys are about 9 million times more likely to turn on their partners than bad guys. Heck, that's how people get over as bad guys to begin with! And what is it that Martha says at the end of little thing she does? "It's a GOOD thing". What, is she channeling for Snuggles, the fabric softener bear? Any assistance she might have expected from Steve Austin would be turned against her tenfold, except that it's very likely that Stone Cold won't be able to stop vomiting before Kathie Lee's army of henchmen gets to Martha.
On the other hand, is there a man-jack among you who could possibly doubt that Kathie Lee is anything other than a pure shining vessel of evil? Have you seen the show? Have you heard her sing? Someone who can inflict that much pain on others would have no qualms about dragging Martha's carcass around the ring by her lower intestines. (The body would weigh much less once exsanguinated)
Finally, Mark, if you've been paying attention to the way that Frank's been acting since his stewardess sidestep a while back, you'll know that there is no earthly way that he could possibly turn on Kathie Lee. And live. Her minions defy her at their own peril.
Yep, it's just another easy day in the life of Kathie Lee Gifford: Antichrist.
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Kathie Lee Gifford is forgetting one small niggling little detail: This is in Pontiac, suburb of Detroit, home of the auto industry. Who's going to attend a wrestling match in Pontiac? Hardworking auto workers, of course. More specifically, hard working Union auto workers. And they don't appreciate people trying to take American jobs to another country.
That's right, the Union is out in force tonight. And there's no way that that job-exporting anti-American bitch is getting out of the Dome alive tonight. Nobody pulls a fast on on the Union in this town.
The Ultimate Whiner, Kathie Lee Gifford, versus "Macho Martha" Stewart. Like any other pro wrestling pay-per-view, this will be THE GREATEST EXTRAVAGANZA OF ALL TIME (until 3 weeks from now). Clearly ruthlessness comes as naturally to these two harridans as clenched teeth and spokesperson denials. With size, strength, murderous intent and the potential for psychic mayhem more or less even, we must take note of the playing conditions. What will separate these women is the particular battle at hand. A four corners match.
Alternate wrestling scenarios would present alternate finishes. If this had been a steel cage match, surely a 'roid-crazed Martha would slam the door on Kathie Lee's perky skull with the same speed and force as she rammed that Connecticut neighbor with her car (allegedly). If this were an object-on-a-greased-pole match, Kathie Lee's performances on 3-inch high heels aboard lurching Carnival Cruise liners would give her the clear agility edge. If this had been a coal mineršs glove match, Martha's extensive oven mitt experience would win the day. If this had been a lumberjack match, where wrestlers surround the ring (ostensibly to prevent either wrestler from escaping via countout, but more importantly, to maul anyone who gets tossed to the floor), Kathie Lee would have the entire population of the Phillipines at ringside, each armed with one Imelda Marcos shoe.
But this is a four corners match..... and therein is sealed Martha Stewart's doom. Consider the turnbuckle. Target for head rammings, preferred locale for punching one's opponent precisely ten (never 9, never 11) times, center stage for slow Chippendale's-like groin rotations, and dietary roughage for George "The Animal" Steele. Martha Stewart will take one look at these smelly, sweaty, bacteria-laden burlap cushions, and her stomach will drop faster than Touchstone Pictures stock after the release of "Kazaam".
Martha Stewart won't deign to touch one turnbuckle, let alone four, without the proper sanitary protection. And while Martha wastes valuable time trying to handstitch four protective doilies out of springtime-fresh gingham bunting, Kathie Lee will strike like the scrappy mongoose. (Metaphoric Credit: Don Muraco.)
You see, Kathie Lee is married to Frank Gifford, and therefore has ample sexual experience enduring the touch of unpleasant, lumpy canvas. She will be no more disgusted rubbing her hands on the turnbuckles than on her husband. And with the all-important reverse peristalsis reflex dulled, Kathie Lee'll drag Stewart from post to post faster than she drags her own children onto her self-loving Christmas specials. Tell Satan he can take the night off.... this is one career achievement Kathie Lee can handle on her own.
- The King of Tonga
Martha Stewart has a dark secret in her past, something that's worse than the hired hands she routinely beats and occasionally disposes of in flower beds. She's from Nutley, New Jersey.
Martha Stewart is a Jersey girl. Widely thought of to be the drooling mongoloid of fashion sense, Jersey girls believe , and every single outift get better with rhinestones. They flock around Trans Ams and complain about the lack of magenta lipstick in the bargain bins of CVS. And they would never think of touching a guy who doesn't 1. have the top two buttons cut off of his shirt 2. have a Robin Williams-esque amount of chest hair protruding from said unbuttoned shirt, and 3. have between two and ten gold (or gold looking) chains nestled in said Robin Williams-esque amount of chest hair. It also helps if he calls her 'Toots'.
Of course, not every XX chromosome within the state boundary is a true Jersey girl. In fact, it's only about ten percent or so, with the percentage rising as you get closer to the shore or any nightclub with quarter jello shots. Martha Stewart is probably among the other 90%, but the simple act of announcing she's from New Jersey, much like being suspected of beastiality, is an automatic public verdict of guilty.
She's hidden her Jovi-al past because she's trying to be something other than a spandex-hipped gum-smacking toenail-painter. And she's succeeded. But she still has years of experience of living in New Jersey inside her. And much like prison, you don't survive long in New Jersey without knowing how to kick a little ass.
She'll cut Kathie Lee's perky throat with a strand of her titanium strength hair (it's cut, but it's still coated with enough chemicals to make it like that strand of hair from Superman 4) and be at a tailgate party within two minutes sucking down warm Meister Brau's from the trunk of some guy named Vinnie.
- Kilgore Trout
"What's a catfight Kenny?"
"Oh Kathie Lee, I must save thee."
"Chef, what are you doing, why are picking up Kenny. Oh my god, you're throwing him at Martha Stewart."
Kenny collides with Martha. Kenny instantly dies, and flies through the torso of Martha Stewart, thus killing her also.
" Oh my god. You killed Kenny. You bastard"
" But I also killed Martha Stewart."
" Sorry it was instinct."
" Yoh Kathie, go into the kitchen, bake me some pie"
" Oh sweet Kathie, I wanna make sweet love...."
- The One Who Knows Too Much
I know one thing, though -- Regis is a madman. Have you ever noticed that look in his eyes? It's somewhere between Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers and Paul Reubens right before he -- well, anyway, the man's a powder keg. He's a volatile little ball of noxious, obnoxious, decapatatory madness (decapatatory, of course, being the adjective meaning 'having a tendancy to decapitate'). That's what makes him so successful as a morning talk show host -- there you are, muddling through your fourth cup of coffee, slumped over in your Barca Ass-o-matic recliner, and *BANG* you get hit with a high-power blast of Regis's patented manic love for the world, for Kathie Lee, for his guest, for his dog, for his guest's dog, for a nice steamy bowl of oatmeal, for wrens, for former New York Jet Kenny "the Snake" Stabler, i mean, it's all *I* can do to keep from jumping up and doing a little kung fu myself.
And who do they get to contain this pocket hurcules, this rydalin-crazed ball of vaguely menacing enthusiasm?
Kathie Lee. That's right. You think she was hired for her eloquence? Her good looks? Her clever banter? For god's sake, who are we kidding? No, she was hired because, in one-on-one combat, she's the only person who's ever managed to pin that talk-show host version of a wolverine on PCP, Regis Philben. She's gotta have some kind of insane death-wish to even walk on *stage* with the guy, and you think that Martha Stewart is going to have a chance against her? Kathie Lee knows no fear. Her brutal styles in the ring are enought to contain the Reej, for god's sake.
Martha may have some kind of MacGyver thing going on, true. But day after day, week after week, Kathie Lee faces that darkest, wildest part of each and every one of us, and comes back alive. She spends an hour a morning with Regis Philben, and she lives to talk about it. No one with that great an understanding of the dark side of the human soul, of the madness that dwells in the corners of our mind can possibly be defeated by a normal mortal.
Kathie Lee by four lengths.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
- Josh F.
the strength and stamina clearly indicate that ms. stewart has the advantage not only at home,in the garden, but also in the ring as well. this also means the ms. stewart is not afraind to get her hands a little messy when it comes to giving a good well meaning mauling. to paraphrase a certain green super hero: "martha will smash!" will be the battle cry of the day. plus she will put Kathie lees' remains to good use as fertilizer for when she starts her tomato plants next spring.
knowing how to handle manure safely is the key to winning this match.
During my time at K-mart (referred to in the Bible as ""hell") I had to do returns. MOST of these were Martha Stewart bath room crap. Since I spent so much time doing this, I have a personal grudge against the bitch. Also, apparently everybody realized after paying for her products how crappy they were, and returned them immediately.
The way I see it, partway into the match, Martha Stewart's alies abandon her (being a crappy bath rung designer and all) and is quickly decapitated by Kathie Lee.
With Martha's vast knowledge of everyday chemicals, she'll be able to quickly whip up a blinding poison with her sweat, dye from the leather strap, and spittle from the rabid fans screaming for blood. Kathie will quickly be incapacitated, and Martha will have made it to two of the ringposts when-- the Paparazzi burst in! Hordes of money-delusioned reporters and photographers explode into the theater, devouring all security in their rampage. Kathie wakes up just in time to, being as experienced with Paparazzi as she is, crawl away discreetly as they attack on Martha (who's Diabetes-Sweet Public Image[tm] was just wrecked by being seen dragging an unconcious Kathie around a wrestling ring) in a feeding frenzy Jaws[tm] would be cower from. Kathie Lee comes back an hour later, when the tabloid media has had their fill, and hauls Martha's dismembered arm to the four posts- finishing the bloodiest WrestleManya[tm] since Barney vs. Wesley.
- the Stranger
1) Kathie Lee has all those pent up emotions over the Frank's Affairs
2) Kathie Lee can get a carnaval cruise boat top run over Martha.
3) All martha is is a home improvement bitch with too much time on her hands. She can't fight a wife of a football star!
4) Kathie also has a army of slave labor workers and Redgis to ward off her attacts.
5) Three words "DANCERS CAN KICK"!
6) pulling those anchors on those boats builds musles.
That said, I suggest reading her essay on how to organize your linen closet [dead link]. It's stinking hilarious. It is also indicative of something far darker and more sinister. Can you say control issues? Look, I have exactly two categories for my linens: 1) the sheet I put on my bed when I bought my house and have not since removed, and 2) the sheet that came with the previous sheet that I have not removed from the opened packaging but that I keep just on the off chance I someday get lucky. (Before you get too excited, remember that for me, as a 31 year old single male electrical engineer, "getting lucky" consists of asking the woman from the sales department out for coffee and having her answer come back as something other than a restraining order and sixteen hours of corporate-sponsered sexual-harassment sensitivity training). Need another example? How about this excerpt from her mesquite chicken salad recipe:" ... but for that real mesquite flavor, you should make your own mesquite chips. First get a good chainsaw. I like to use the Mucullah that I got from my divorce settlement after my husband ran off with that sluttly little 24 year old assistant I hired...." This tells us that Martha is a woman who has some unresolved issues, and that she knows how to use a chainsaw.
I think that Martha is just playing on an entirely different level here. Look for Kathie Lee's remains to show up in the next issue of SFOIDF.
It doesn't matter whether Martha brings in Steve Austin, Sting, or any other expert to advise her. Nor does it matter how vigilant the referee is (yeah, a vigilant wrestling ref, right). No mere mortal can hope to catch the Great Deceiver cheating. With His aid, Kathie Lee will take down Martha and have enough time to spare to jet back home and celebrate a Black Mass with Cody and Cassidy.
Now, as for those mentioned as possible posse members for Kathie Lee, would any of them really be able to help her against the Female MacGuyver? Well, what can her sweatshop workers do? They are trapped in China being paid a dime a day. No way that she would give them the time off to come, nor could they afford to get here, and even if they were able to swim to America, they could not afford a ticket to the event. But, if by some minute possibility, some did come, they would no doubt get a job at Taco Bell making several times their former anual salary in a single day that they would go over to Marhta's side for revenge on their former evil boss!
Her kids? Let's face it, they are just kids. Once they saw Stone Cold Steve Austin, they would rush him like every other little kid in the world who watches wrestling, asking for autographs and such. This would distract them for so long, that by the time they were done, the clean-up crew would be at work.
Frank? Man, he is just looking for an excuse to get out. He may not admit, but there is some sort of psychological problem in his head. He may not openly oppose Kathie, but he will certainly not be very quick to come to hr aid.
And finally, Regis. He'll be to busy being the Pay-Per-View announcer to be any help to his co-star.
In conclusion, marhta has all the advantages. Talent. And Kathie will receive no help at all. This match shall be a disappointment to the fans, short. Those who paid $50 for the Pay-Per-View will be calling their cable companies for their moeny back. It might as well be Iron Mike Tyson vs. Kathie Lee Gifford for as long as this match will last.
- Joe Blow
Gifford breaks down to "Gif" and "ford". Where do we find gifs? On the World Wide Web. What is this match? A World Wide Web Fight. This is a sign that Kathie Lee has access to the Eye of the Tiger (TM), that special quality that makes WWWF Champions. If she has the power that turned Gary Coleman into a fearsome warrior, how can she lose? The addition of "Ford" merely confirms this match is hers. Which would you rather have the power of, a Ford Ranger or a plate of linguine with sun-dried tomatoes served on a darling homemade gingham placemat?
And how will she harness the power of the Tiger? Her Hollywood connections will help her bring in Steven Seagal as her personal trainer. By the time she is ready for the match, they will find that love has bloomed between them like one of Martha's prize roses. He forgets Kelly LeBrock in Kathie's skinny arms (shudder). In turn, he will help her move on from her leather- skinned, stewardess-zooming, couldn't-call-a-football-game-to-save- the-freakin'-human-race husband. Martha had better have a will ready, because you can't beat the power of Love or the power of the Tiger. Put 'em together and we're talking about Nuclear-level Whoop-ass. After a three minute match that makes Saving Private Ryan look like Singing In The Rain, the happy couple steps over the disemboweled mess of carnage in the center of the ring, join hands with Cody and Cassidy and skip off into a sunset featuring the rosy designer colors that Martha loved so much.
- >Mr. Silverback- They'll be performing a family sing-along on this year's Christmas Special. Repent immediately.
The King: (drool) Sable....(drool) mmmm...(panting and drooling)
Vince: Uh-huh, well, anyway, on with our main event and boy is it going to be a doozy! The Matron Mother of Manhattan, Kathie Lee Gifford, takes on Hell's Homemaker, Martha Stewart!
The King: Andy Kauffman...mmmmm..(drool)
Vince: Somebody shut his damn mic off. Wait, here's Micheal Buffer!
Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready?
Buffer: Then, for the thousands in attendence and the millions watching at home, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vince: Okay, and the first combatant coming out is Kathie Lee Gifford. She's been training like a madwoman for this match, and she's ready to lay the strap down.
Kathie Lee comes out on a travois supported by twenty Thai twelve year olds in loincloths and Yankees Baseball caps
Vince: And now, here comes Martha. Business is about to pick up! And let me tell you, IT'S A GOOD THING BABY!
Martha's Music (Ina Gotta Davida, baby) comes on, but no Martha. Suddenly, as Kathie Lee is staring at the entrance, Martha comes out from underneath the ring!
Vince: Oh my god! It's a sneak attack! Who would've thought such a thing would happen in the sport of professional wrestling? What a sickening turn of events! What a minute! (Stone Cold's music comes on) Oh no!
Stone Cold drives his truck to the ring
Vince: Dear Lord! There's a stunner for Kathie! And a stunner for Martha! Our highly-advertised and greatly-anticipated main event has lasted a mere ten seconds! Whod've thunk it?
Stone Cold: This match was damn waste of time. I just stunned thier asses. If you think It's a good thing, gimme a hell yeah!
Crowd: Hell Yeah!
Vince: Well, that wraps it up from here. But, wait a minute, is that the Undetaker! My god! The Undertaker is attacking Austin!
The King: Ladies and Gentlemen we are desperatly out of time!
Vince: Make sure to tune in to our next highly-advertised and greatly aticipated Pay-Per-View, In your Home: AGAIN! Only $60!
- Mrs. Foley's baby boy.
Martha and Kathie Lee circle round the ring like Spock vs. Kirk in that famous episode of Startrek(tm). Regis gets the ref's attention in the usual pro-wrestlin' way and Kathie Lee immediately goes for the Eye-Gouge of Death. Unfortunately, Martha has thoughts of her own. She pulls out some white powder from her tights that she made from ordinary flour and jalepeno peppers in only 5 minutes. The ref then turns around, ignoring the powdery substance all over the mat (they always do that), and immediately wonders why she's in such pain.
At this point, it becomes painfully clear what has to happen. Regis knockes out the ref, and Isaac Hayes comes running down the aisle with who else but Richard Roundtree, aka Shaft(tm). The voice of Chef and the baddest mutha around proceed to show Martha "who's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks"(tm).
Now, of course, we know how it will end. Right on que, Hacksaw Jim Dougan(tm) rushes in with the 2 x 4!! He's smacking people left and right, and the announcers turn away in disgust.... In the end, a half-blind Kathie Lee drags an unconcious Martha 'round the posts for a well-deserved win. I can't believe yall didn't see that one coming!
Why? Let's be reminded that this is the woman who routinely makes Tiffany Glass lamps. In her spare time. She probably built her house out of matchsticks and it still holds against hurricane-force winds. I'll admit, she spends most of her time gardening and craftmaking, but she does more of that in one day than Kathie Lee has in her entire lifetime. But I'm veering off my point, which is that if Stewart is given anything, such as a pile of sawdust, she will make a tactical nuclear device, complete with attractive 30's rocketship design. Follow-up to the match? 50-foot Martha Stewart lectures a many-armed, -eyed, -legged, and -headed audience on how to get bloodstains off the soles of your running shoes. And its a Good thing
- Joe of Montana
- Simon "Splat" Bradford
One. Outside of her little show--and this is true--this woman is PURE EVIL(tm). Read her biography! Cross Stewart and you are toast.
Two. You've seen her show, right? All that neat, make-a-dinner-party-for-twelve-with-junk-from-your-garbage-can stuff? She doesn't do all that! She's got legions and legions of extremely helpful and frighteningly loyal assisstants, any of which would be more than glad to jump into the ring to assist their dark master. Martha chops the leather band with gardening shears, sits ringside brushing her dog's teeth, and grins while her armies tear Kathie Lee apart.
Anyway, I really think it is within everyone's best interest to see Kathie Lee Gifford dead.
At the seven minute mark in this leather-borne catfight (geez, are
you guys into S&M or something? Putting these two in a strap
match?!), Martha makes a mad swing at Kathie Lee. Martha misses
the flesh but does manage to yank a swatch of cloth from the
GrappleWear by Kathie Lee(tm)-brand wrestling tights that Gifford is
And in the instant that follows, the illusions begin to shatter in
Kathie Lee's sad life...
"HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT THIS!!" Martha screams, holding the tag from
Gifford's tights. Seems that GrappleWear by Kathie Lee is not
made proudly in America and distributed by Wal-Mart. In fact,
Gifford's GrappleWear was manufactured by laborers earning four cents
a day in Albania. Mike Wallace's blockbuster 60 Minutes report
that follows further reveals that the workers were lepers in a
Hansen's disease colony and forced to work at gunpoint.
The shock revelation causes Kathie Lee to protest aloud, "I didn't
know, I didn't know!!!", but the boos returned serve to ignite the
Rage(tm) that has slowly built up over the years of putting up with
Regis Philbin. Kathie Lee chews off Martha's left ear: the loss of
blood forces Martha into unconsciousness. By the time guest referee
Sting jumps into the ring to separate the two, Kathie Lee has slung
Martha to the four ringposts. Kathie Lee wins!!! Unfortunately, she
is deemed pariah forevermore. Her co-host has abandoned her, her
husband has taken the kids and fled to Paraguay, and her sponsors
won't touch her. The former spokeswoman of Carnival(tm) spends the
rest of her days piloting a garbage scow out of Bayonne.
What happens to Martha Stewart? She creates her own line of prosthetics for K-Mart: Appendages by Martha(tm).
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight who must have a prosthetic brain for even daring to touch this matchup!
Kathie Lee by K.O. in the first round.
- Big Boy
George Brett for President
Dan Quisenberry for Vice President
Mark McGwire for U.S. Senate (MO)
Sammy Sosa for Absolute Ruler of the Home Run Record
Steven Pratt for Secretary of whoop-...
- Steven W. Pratt
- Mary, Actual Size
Sorry about that. I forgot to mention in my Thundercats analysis that sometimes, through the miracle of Psychic HTML(tm), I channel the spirit of annoying sports commentators from the past.
Howard is right, though. The woman who's not afraid to get a wee bit dirty will prevail.
That makes this the kind of tough, knock-down, drag-out fight that WWWF has become infamous for.
However, Martha Stewart wins out, after what I hope is seven or eight hours of excruciating, potentially disfiguring mano-a-mano destruction.
Sure, Kathie Lee has saved _every_ dirty diaper that Cody and Cassidy ever produced. She'll probably even have some with her during the match. I'm sure as soon as the referee starts gouging his eyes out trying to forget all those gawdawful(tm) baby pictures she's always showing, she'll start rubbing those nasty nappies in Martha's face.
Martha, however, is used to manure; she's done gardening work for the last thirty years. Plus, she votes Republican.
And Martha Stewart won't be just letting Kathie Lee hog all the glory. She's got a trowel, and she knows how to use it. And that's not even her number one weapon: she'll bring out the potpourri (whatever the hell that is). No one can face the horror that is potpourri!
Yes, Martha will prevail, but the audience will get its money's worth watching each combatant finally start gnawing their own arms off in an effort to just get the hell away from the other.
That is all.
- Wonka, aka Noel Schornhorst
First of all, she's not a genuine super-bitch because she cannot control her husband/lackey. Frank cheated on her. He defied her will. Such things do not go on in the Stewart household. Martha rules her dominion with an iron gardening glove. K.L. only gives the illusion of omnipotent evil, like Hilary Clinton. And they've both been betrayed. Martha would run over her hubby with the lawn mower if he THOUGHT about being unfaithful.
Second, Kathie Lee's method for dealing with a crisis situation (i.e. when the media discovered she was the shah of southeast asian sweatshops) is crying. CRYING. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. We all know that crying is an EXCELLENT course of action to take when trying to regain your dignity and status as a celebrity. Look how well it worked for Jimmy Swaggart or Tammy Faye Baker. Being a former gospel singer and preacher's wife, Kathie should know better.
But the final nail-in-the-coffin is the issue of skill. Martha works with gardening tools and kitchen equipment every day. Both categories of paraphenalia can be potentially lethal. Kathie Lee, on the other hand, will tell you that she knows how to "sing." ahem. Martha will just use advanced topiary trimming techniques to swing Kathie around the ring like a dead shrub while the bitchy little co-host bawls and pleads for mercy through a stirring rendition of the song "If They Could See Me Now (Getting My Ass Kicked)."
- I.C. Sedablineman
How many of you, the viewing audience, have underpaid crappy jobs? Now how many of you would go in the ring where your boss and someone else are fighting and attack THE OTHER GUY? I think the hordes of child laborers are going to do the Protomarxist Stomp (tm) on Kathie Lee's one and only head. And that's a Good Thing.
- ExentriC: don't worry folks, this happens all the time.....
1) Previous opponents. Five times a week, Kathie Lee is thrown onto the same set with Regis Philbin, and not only survives, but grows stronger from the experience. What has Martha Stewart done to prove herself? Subdued a vicious floral arrangement? Wrestled for her life with the contents of her attic? She hasn't faced a real opponent until now, and she is hopelessly unprepared.
2) Frustration level. Whenever someone Martha's married to does something she doesn't like, she divorces him. Tension relieved. Frank Gifford went flying the friendly thighs for the whole world to see, yet Kathie Lee has stood by him, grinning. Tension builds...and builds...and you know she's going to snap sooner or later. Having Regis around hasn't helped, either, so she is way past due for a psychotic episode, if her whole career doesn't count as one.
3) Media allies. Kathie Lee Gifford is a wholly owned subsidiary of Disney, aka The Dark Side Of The Force(tm). The closest Martha Stewart's gotten to drinking from this unholy wellspring is a cameo appearance on Ellen. Her syndicated series crashed, her appearances on CBS morning shows are inconsequential, and now she(not to mention Ellen) is consigned to the ash-heap of television that is the Lifetime cable network. There is no power behind her. There is no hope ahead of her.
Kathie Lee wins quick and ugly, just before the ceiling scoreboard of the Silverdome comes crashing down on the ring, crushing them both to paste. "But the Silverdome doesn't have a ceiling scoreboard," you protest? It didn't, but workers constructed one just for this match--and made sure it wasn't attached too tightly. Hey, blue-collar guys like happy endings as much as the rest of us.
- Call me Shane
I see the battle.... Martha comes flying out of her cornor performing a complicated Ninjitsu form. Kathie Lee lands a solid blow to the jaw ending that little show quickly. Martha regroups and attacks with more caution the second time. Landing blow after blow. Kathie Lee reales and backs off, then starts to sing. Martha is fased shortly, but ever prepaired, she pulls cotten from her pockets and stuffs it in her ears to sheild herself. Suddenly, Kathie Lee is nowhere to be seen. Martha, thinking better of a chase, uses the lul to go all Migiver, and rewires a vacume so that the suction holds Kathie Lee while the rotating brush beats her senceless.
A quiet rummbel fills the air. It grows louder and louder. Suddenly, smashing through the wall, rolling over the croud, and into the ring comes Kathie Lee's Battle Waggon of Doom,SLAVE 1. Ohh, many a network executive rue the day that this mighty war engine was created. This terrible contraption stands an imposing 15 feet, has dozens of gun moutings and brissles with many blades of fearce sharpness. The most terrible part of it is that it is powered by the manual labor of small childern from third-world counrties.
Martha Stewar's febal bones are no match for the Mighty Wheels of SLAVE 1 and the match is over exept for the dragging of Martha's broken courps to all the cornors to make it offical.
- Chris Needham-- watcher of too much TV.
Of course, once Kathie Lee is knocked unconscious, Stewart will try to explain to the crowd about creative things you can do with a dead corpse. Doesn't sound good, does it?
- -Da Bull
This hatred eminating from all disenchanted fans of Regis and Kathie Lee will embue the noble, Martha Stewart, with God given strength to haul Kathie around the ring.
To quote JRT: "We hates her, we hates her, we hates her... FOREVER!!!!!" - Gollum (modified)
- Bob the magical hobo
As the combatants square off against each other in the ring, they make their first moves, Martha strikes first and fast, using her smaller size, to move quick and efficently. As offered up in the pre- match anaylsis Frank and the kids do nothing, but sing along to mom's tunes, they are under some sick trance, and can't do anything. Martha is whiping the floor with Kathie. But WAIT, Kathie has one last weapon, a surprise attack. A hundred South American children, who are being payed overtime, .75cents a day, rush the ring and procede to rip martha apart, and quickly and efficently turn her into souveniours to sell at the stands outside the arena. Kathie smiles develishly as she leaves the ring on the backs of six slave children
Kathie Lee Gifford sings. Let me clarify that statement: KLG makes my
ears bleed. Céline Dion makes my ears bleed as well.
Martha Stewart speaks in a monotone that Clint Eastwood
would be proud of with no indication that she even hums to
herself when she is working on her farts and crafts.
Stewart 0, Gifford -1
Martha Stewart always talks down to her guests, no matter who they
are. She pulled attitude on Miss Piggy fercrissake! How low does your
self-esteem have to be to be demeaning to a puppet? Kathie Lee always
sucks up to her guests, no matter who they are. Hell, she'd kiss
Howard Stern's ass if he were ever to get booked on Live! It is clear
that KLG is sure of herself and her place in this world.
Stewart -1, Gifford -1 (a close battle thus far)
Kathie Lee is able to enslave her children on national television. In
fact, I think CBS has planned a Christmas special, titled "Cody and
Cassidy help make Christmas Stockings in Southeast Asian Sweatshops".
Clearly KLG's hellspawn are destined to rob Kwik-E-Marts as
Former Child Actors. The WWWF has seen a wealth of FCAs before:
Coleman/Webster, Urkel, Opie Taylor/Richie Cunningham, Doogie
Bunch and Partridge Family, Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, and even Steve
and Brian. Obviously Gifford has strong WWWF alliances.
Martha ain't that lucky.
Stewart -1, Gifford 0
Martha is a control freak. The WWWF has never been kind to control
freaks. Case in point: Pinky
and the Brain. They lost to a primitively drawn dog, whose creator
lacked so much originality, that he simply appended -bert to the
character's species (catbert, ratbert, snakebert, apteryxbert... But I
digress). Kathie Lee is also a control freak, but she has fine tuned
her skills to appear sycophantic while retaining control, not unlike
the assistant of another WWWF winner: Charles
Stewart -2, Gifford 0
Finally, the deciding factor is which witch I would rather see disemboweled on pay-per-view. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is MARTHA STEWART MUST FRIKKIN' DIE FOR PUBLSHING A SPECIAL WEDDING MAGAZINE WITH IDEAS SO RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE THAT I WILL HAVE TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY FOR MY UPCOMING WEDDING. DIE BITCH DIE! (Bet you didn't know I spoke German!)
- HotBranch! (hello gentlemen. my what a nice white jacket you have. for me? you shouldn't have...)
And poor Kathie Lee -- she's just not in that class. She's a former Miss America for Heaven's sake! True, so was Linda Carter. But I don't care how good she looked in that Marvel Comics Amazon Leotard (tm), those super high jumps, super fast reflexes, and super cool sound effects were FAKE! Poor Kathie Lee doesn't even have enough backing to imitate those crappy 70s special effects. And not only that, but Kathie Lee was cheated on by her husband. What kind of independent, respected woman would stand for that? And yet she came crawling back. If someone had tried to pull that crap on Martha, her next show would have been about how to turn human remains into cement, grout, and caulk for that kitchen retiling project you've been putting off.
And for my final and most powerful point, I have to make an embarrassing admission. I actually watched part of Regis & Kathie Lee one time. The details are cloudy, but I think I was putting off going up to school, and the episode of CHiPs being played on TNT was one I'd just seen less than a month before. But anyway, in the small segment I watched, which was near the beginning of the show, a dominatrix (in full garb including mask and whip) came out onto the stage. This is the only reason I watched for more than 10 seconds. She smacked the whip around and scared Regis half to death. After the dominatrix left, they revealed that the original plan was for Kathie Lee to get dressed up as the dominatrix, but she chickened out. Well, if that was the case, it's pretty clear to me that Kathie Lee is just too restrained and proper to win this fight. Wrestling is all about making an extreme public spectacle/embarrassment of yourself. And if she won't even don a little leather and spank a little hiney if front of the 23 people in her studio audience, she doesn't have the showmanship to last 2 seconds in any ring with anybody, nevermind against Martha in the Silverdome.
Martha Stewart, OTOH, knows 15 different ways to kill somebody with a Safety Can (tm). It's gonna be a quick one.
- Brian (tm)
- The Bunyip
Ok, ok, ok... One bazillion people can't all be wrong. We have recieved so many requests (read: threats) for the Both Mangled and Killed voting option that we will include it in the next applicable match. Just be glad we didn't make this a wet t-shirt contest! - Eds.
Ooohh!!! HotBranch! 3:16 shirts! Where?!
- Indiana Jones 13
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Cinderella v. Snow White
Regis v. Alex v. Pat
Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley
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