"Laaadiies and gentlemaaan! Are you ready to RUUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE??!! [The crowd comes to its feet] Tonight! Live! The WWWF (tm) No Holds Barred (tm) Tag Team Championship of the World! In the red corner, weighing in at 172 pounds... The Memphis Masher! The Graceland Goliath! The Once and Future King, Elllviiiis Preeeesleeeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] And his partner, weighing in at 241 pounds... The Potato Masher! The Graceland Glutton! The Once and Future King, Elllviiiis Preeeesleeeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!]
"And in the blue corner, weighing in at 141 pounds... The Daytime Destroyer! The Main Male Bashing Mama! The Queen of Mindless Talk, Opraaaah Wiiinfreeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] And her partner, weighing in at 250 pounds... The Buffet Destroyer! The Main Meal Bashing Mama! The Queen of Mindless Talk, Opraaaah Wiiinfreeey!" [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] So, Steve, who do you like in this paradoxical prize bout?
Skinny Elvis is a man of infinite capabilities. There is nothing he can't do. All you need for proof of this is to watch Viva Las Vegas. He can sing, dance, wash dishes, play guitar, waterski, fly a helicopter, race cars, gamble, act, win the woman, .... The list goes on and on.. Adding a tag-team championship to his impressive list of credentials will be simplicity itself.
Fat Elvis is a man destined to be in the ring. With his sunglasses he has the element of surprise -- Oprah won't know where he's looking, or where he'll attack next. With his high-protein diet of Fluffernutter Sandwiches (tm) his muscle mass will be off the scale (literally). The extra weight provided by said sandwiches will make him the proverbial Immovable Object, immune to any attack Oprah may attempt. And the slickness of his high-gloss polyester jumpsuit will make him impossible to hold or pin down.
All the Oprahs have going for them is attitude. And that won't mean much with 241 pounds of Elvis bearing down on them.
BRIAN: I gotta go with the pro, Steve, and when it comes to Male Bashing (tm), nobody is in Oprahs' league. Whether it's trailer trash Cletus two-timing on Petula, or the King of Rock'N'Roll doing Priscilla wrong, the Oprahs are on the scene to make things right. And they're not held back by their rigid talk show format. Now they can do what they've always wanted to do. In the Elvii, they see all the no-good, low-down men they've had to be polite to over the years: the cheating Bufords, the lying Bubbas, the dead beat Rufuses, Tennesseeans. Talk about your festering Rage (tm). It's been pent up for over a decade now, and it's all going to be focused on those two sorry little men.
And what do the Elvii have to fight for? What possible reason could they have to take on the Oprahs? Sure, the fat one might try to win to get their peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but that would just piss them off further. And with this question of motivation comes the biggest question in tag team wrestling: who's willing to cheat? Clearly, it's the Oprahs. Each Elvis lives a sheltered life: Skinny in the foothills of Appalachia, Fatso behind his entourage of hired friends. Cheating would never even occur to them. The Oprahs, however, see the greater good (Male Bashing) and will do whatever is necessary. In their minds, the ends justify the means.
And let's look at the individuals here, Steve. The fat Elvis is worthless: he's been sitting around eating junk food and watching TV for the past 10 years. For Heaven's sake, the man died on a toilet!! He'll be lucky to even be able to stand, never mind face the wrath of either of the Oprahs. And the skinny Elvis is just too dang skinny to have any kind of effective punch. The Oprahs, on the other hand, are both very dangerous. The skinny Oprah ran marathons and pumped iron. The fat Oprah has sheer mass behind her blows. Would anyone here want to take on Nell Carter? I think my point is made.
And just for the record, Skinny Elvis could not act.
STEVE: Sure, the Elvii may have once been no-good lyin' two-timin' talk-show fodder, but they've changed. Young Elvis, in his move to Hollywood, turned into an angelic heartthrob, able to sweet-talk even the meanest of women. Oprah should be no different and will succumb as well. And Old Elvis falls into the "wierdo" category, not the "no-good man" category. The end result is that your proposed Rage (tm) is just not going to surface. As a matter of fact, don't forget that everyone loves the Elvii. They are The Kings, after all. This means Oprah must too. Quite the opposite of Rage (tm).
Oprah has one other problem we must address. Once you get the Oprahs all excited, they're going to start with the Talk-Show Angry-Woman Head-Gyration (tm). (Note: FCC Regulations section 24, paragraph 3 explicitly state that an angry woman on a talk show *must* perform this neck maneuver whenever she's about to tell someone off). The Oprahs' excessive neck movement while trying to yell and make a point will cause them to become dizzy and lose their balance. For Fat Oprah, this means she will have to stay there since no front-end loaders are present to right her again. For skinny Oprah on her Dexatrim (tm) diet, she will pass out and have to be given intravenous nourishment to be revived. The Head-Gyration will spell doom for the Oprahs.
BRIAN: I can't believe what I'm reading. Clearly, you missed FCC Regulations, section 24, paragraph 3a which exempts the talk show host from such required gyrations. Have you ever seen Oprah do this? No! But this Head-Gyration thing only leads me into my main point: the audience. Obviously, since this is wrestling, members of the audience will become involved. What kind of fans will the Elvii have in their corner? A bunch of screaming teenagers that, if they aren't passing out, are trying to hit him with their hotel room keys. Hardly an asset. Who do the Oprahs have? Many of their most loyal fans. If you want Head Gyrating, Steve, you got it. If either of the Elvii is able to even come close to getting a hold of one of the Oprahs, you'll see about 100 Ultra-Permed (tm) women stand up, with head massively gyrating, saying "Boy! You best get your sorry honky hands off'n my Ofrah lest I slap you upside the head!" And when the Elvii don't comply, they will not be constrained by the usual talk show rules and will storm the ring. It ain't gonna be pretty.
Plus, if any gyrating goes on in the ring, it's going to be done by Skinny Elvis' hips. While that might make his teenage fans swoon (which will only further weaken his back-up), it tends to disgust anyone who grew up after the 60s. This alone could send the entire audience, sickened after years of tabloid Elvis sightings, into a homicidal rage. At the very least, however, this excessive gyrating will only serve to incapacitate Skinny. You can't float like a butterly or sting like a bee when you're so "All Shook Up" that you can't control yourself.
Face it, Steve, the Oprahs have major advantages in conditioning, strength, craftiness and outside support. This time, when news stations across the country show live footage of the broken bodies, there will be no question as to what happened to Elvis. The Elvii have left the building, in body bags.
Thanks to Tom Urbanowski of Houston, TX and Russell Miller for inspiring this match-up with similar suggestions.
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Not unlike the Puffer Fish, both Elvis and Oprah appear to have a similar "Puffing" characteristic. In situations of perceived danger, both celebrities can inflate in size to reduce their risk of being consumed by a predator. As surprising as it sounds, fat Oprah is actually skinny Oprah preparing for a combative situation. This also applies to skinny and fat Elvis. Since neither celebrity has ever truly been in a dangerous combat situation with a "Puffing" opponent, the full extent of their "Puffing" power will be quickly and painfully realized. Size cannot be the deciding factor in this battle.
Elvis' location will be the deciding factor.
Currently, popular culture perceives Elvis to be in one of three locations:
- Mike O'Neill
Skinny Elvis played guitars, raced cars and wooed women. Skinny Oprah built a multimedia empire and ran marathons. I love the Kings but I gotta go with the Oprahs on this one.
- Ethelred Cobb
Sadly, this is too much for him to take in his age, so he passes the fight on the Young Elvis, who is at a disadvantage, since Fat Oprah is paying attention again, and she might be big enough to take him. However, young Elvis gyrates out of the way of her lumbering mass, and she cannot catch and crush him. So, fat Oprah calls on her legions of fans to help her out. But to no avail....
"That's not really Elvis!" Cries one of Oprah's legion. "I saw the real one yesterday at the 7-11."
"And I saw him on the alien vessel that abducted me three years ago! The said they were taking him back to Neptune to do experiments on him!"
"No! I'm carrying elvis's triplets. I can't attack their father," announces a third fan. And all the others have similar stories. Unable to attract assistance, fat Oprah must simply wait for an opening. But one never comes, and eventually young Elvis's dodgeing and feinting gyrations wear her out, and the talk show hostesses must surrender to that superior form of life, the Tennesseean.
- Field Marshal Dusty Sayers, O.St.D. of Tennessee
- Mike H.
I've seen fat Elvis vanquish much tougher opponents than Oprah during his stellar wrestling career as the Honkey Tonk Man. He was even the intercontinental belt holder for a long time until the Ultimate Warrior put a whoopin' on him. Believe me, Oprah is no Ultimate Warrior.
- Colonel Bob
This match will end with a double-pin. Fat Oprah will crush Skinny Elvis (hips and all) like an empty Dairy Queen Blizzard cup with a flying leap from the bottom rope. Fat Elvis is just going to get tired of lugging his big-ol' butt around the ring chasing marathon-woman Oprah and pass out. This one is no contest.
- Lee Lahti
Until now he has kept a low profile. But something about Oprah irks his troubled soul. So when the opportunity comes to fight the good fight, and save the people from endless talk shows, he signs up. Hence, his appearance at the match. Through the advances of cloning (kudos the Dolly the sheep), Elvis becomes not only his former svelte self, but the oh so pudgy alter ego too. Incensed at seeing his later 'self' he barrels into the ring.
Skinny Oprah climbs into the ring with her microphone, pestering the King with pointless questions. With a one-two twist of the pelvis to the right, Elvis knocks skinny Oprah to the ground, where she lays, the microphone stuck in her left ear. Fat Oprah jumps in. Fat Elvis tries to get into the ring too. But skinny Elvis is out of control. As his hips gyrate faster and faster, Fat Oprah is flung out of the ring. Fat Elvis steps in too close and is enveloped in the vortex of swiveling body parts.
A bright flash of light emanates from the now joined Elvii. The King is back! Seeming to be in his prime once again, he, they, Elvis, is declared the winner. Long live the King!!
Wisely, both teams go with their fitter member, and Thin Elvis and Thin Oprah circle each other warily. Meanwhile Fat Elvis gives a signal, and several undercover DEA extraction specialists grab Fat Oprah and smuggle her out of the Garden, an easy task compared to smuggling fat drug kingpins past masses of narcoperps and Federales. Soon Fat Oprah is downtown, where she is given an extensive body cavity search. After all, Elvis said she was smuggling 15 kilos of blow under her flab...
eanwhile, Thin Elvis is being chased around the ring by Thin Oprah. Few men could match the strength of a woman who has made exercise her personal god, unless he himself is a fitness freak. Eventually she catches him, throws him to the mat and begins thumping his head against the canvas. Desperately, the King reaches out for his future self... and connects! A well placed karate kick leaves Thin Oprah momentarily dazed (fitness doesn't guarantee punch-taking ability) and a top-rope belly-flop leaves her flattened under the weight of the bacon-fed behemoth that is Elvis.
She tries everything. She reaches out for her partner, but she's downtown meeting her cellmate, Crazy Bertha. She manages to wriggle her knee into his family jewels, but Oprah is no match for the numbing effects of Percodan. Finally, inspiration strikes, she struggles to get her face free, and utters 23 horrible words: "Hey Elvis, did you know that Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson and admitted on national TV that she did the nasty with him?" The knowledge that every father's greatest fear has come true for him is too much for Elvis's heart (which must have been about the size of a Barcalaounger by this point in his life) and her tactic backfires: his full weight falls on her head, and she passes on to that great daytime schedule in the sky. Pin and match to Elvis.
His Purple Mountain Majesty the King is removed with a forklift (Coroner's determination: Death by Cruel Realization) and his victim is removed with a spatula. Thin Elvis accepts the WWWF Belt, but breaks his foot when it slips out of his fried-banana-grease-covered hands. Fat Oprah gets out after a week of administrative hold and her next five shows are titled "The Rotund Lesbian Convict Who Is The Wind Beneath My Wings"
- Slverback- Rambette's Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love
- Dick (email@example.com)
[Young] Elvis barely has time to finish saying "Thangoo verymuch" to the crowd before Skinny Oprah does the old po-wrestling fave of Smashing The Stool On His Unwatching Back (copyright WWF, reprinted without permission). Young Elvis goes down in a hail of blood and splinters, but since a part of his ribcage lands on Fat Elvis, it counts as a tag.
Fat Elvis, his metabolism increased a hundredfold by the Martians, needs some extra calories at this stage, so he promptly shoves thin Oprah into his gaping cybernetically enhanced maw. Technically this should end the match, but this is Pro-Wrestling, not a sport with real rules.
Fat Oprah gets up to defeat the bloated biomechanical freak that is the post-Martian FatElvis. Fat Oprah does not have the rage on her side, as she is too busy feeling relieved that a reminder of hr skinny days has been disposed of. Now, it would seem that she is no match for the cellulite cyborg opposing her, but there's one thing to remember. As we found out last week, talk show hosts are all animatronics these days, so this ain't no ordinary showdown.
The crowd goes wild as both contestants brutally rip chunks of artificial fat from each other, revealing the mechanical endoskeletons beneath. Here it becomes just another Robocop II style grand finale, where the one who really cares (Elvis) is able to defeat the monster-on-the-loose created by the faceless corporation (Oprah). Elvis eventually manages this victory using his Martian Death Ray (tm), which he recieved from Marvin the Martian during his years in space.
- The Amazing Rallan
Oprah in 78 seconds
The only hope for the Elvii is if Tiny Elvis shows up and becomes a gremlin in Skinny Oprah. This is not unlikely since Men Behaving Badly won't last long enough to keep whatsisname employed for long and he'll have to reprise his SNL role to put bread on the table. Even with Tiny Elvis I still give the match to the Oprahs in 5 min. 32 Sec.
On that note, let's look at professional wrestling. Riddle me this: who was the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time? Why, the Honky Tonk Man, an Elvis impersonator. Not only could he sing and dance, but he could wrestle.
Next Question: Who's better, Elvis or his impersonators? Obviously Elvis. SO if the Honky Tonk Man was cool, conky and bad, ya gotta figure Elvis was even cooler, conkier and badder in the ring. He was just too busy singing to prove it. But just look at him. Rhinestones, sunglasses, tight pants, outlandish haircut. This guy looks like a natural in the squared circle.
Any Oprah impersonators in wrestling? Of course not! She's just too normal to make it anywhere in wrestling. A manager, maybe. A wrestling superstar, forget it. Zero impersonators means zero talent.
- Mike Smith
Reason #1: Elvis will win because he can eat the Fools Gold Loaf.
Go look it up in any book that talks about the King's eating habits. He would regularly fly from Graceland to Colorado to eat this sandwich, which was essentialy nothing more complex than an entire loaf of Italian bread, hollowed out and filled with peanut butter & jelly, topped off with a pound of bacon.
In her heyday as an eater, Oprah couldn't even hope to tackle such a challenge. Elvis polished these off regularly.
Reason #2: Although some may argue that this is a similar reason, I pose this question: Who holds a professional boxing belt, after becoming significantly larger after an extended retirement? That's right -- Foreman. The similarities are simply too great to be ignored.
Prediction: Elvis takes her out in the third. Geraldo starts his boxing training again, eager to take a shot at the title.
- Living in Memphis (non-native)
- The Bunyip
First off, the Elvii will arrive to rousing music performed by other deceased rock stars: Jim Morrison (no debate on his being alive, please), Stevie Ray Vaughan (forgive me, Stevie, but comedy demands it), Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, and John Lennon. Kurt Cobain is not there because all the aforementioned stars thought Kurt was such a whiney cryass that they told him to stick it. Not to mention the others thought his new guitar, the Fender (tm) Jag-Stang (also tm) was a blatant attempt at making a "new" guitar that looked "vintage" because it's so damn cool to be vintage. But I digress. This entourage would inspire awe in anyone. Or severe sickness, depending upon the degree of decay of some of these musicians.
Next, what's the favorite food of the Elvii? Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I'd bet real money on the fact that this combination of foods causes a nasty unedifying chemical reaction in the bowels. Net result: flatulence of such olfactory terror that even the most intrepid of contestants will defenestrate (look it up, dummy!) in a microsecond.
And now, what would the King be without some of the people who were close to him? First we have the Colonel. He could adjust the drugs that the fat Elvii was taking to induce the proper focused, paranoid, unstoppable RAGE(tm) necessary to decapitate an opponent without a second (or a first) thought. The thin Elvis, upset that Fat Elvis is bogarting all the dope, gets real angry. A natural RAGE(tm). Luckily, he directs it toward the Oprahs.
So, Sluggo, you say, what about the Oprahs? Here it is:
The thin Oprah is able to get a celebrity to talk about ANYTHING on her show. If she was sneaky enough, the thin Oprah could cajole the thin Elvis into admitting he got his stage moves from Forrest Gump(tm) and make him collapse, shamed, in a pool of his own tears and snot.
Three words: The Color Purple. Three more words: Bored to Death. How could anyone stay conscious, much less alive?
Finally, the Steadman Graham issue. What's with him? Are they getting married or not? (boy I hope I didn't miss this bit or it screws the whole thing up) Anyways, this on-again/off-again crap for their nuptials definitely pissed Oprah off. Big Oprah. Fat Oprah. Crush-your-skull-from-the-top-turnbuckle Oprah. Yikes. Here's Oprah's share of the RAGE(tm).
So, what's the tiebreaker? Simple. Who watches Oprah's show? Women and pooves. Who doesn't? Real mean (like the Elvii). Problem? The women and pooves, whipped into a frenzy by years and years of the Oprahs' nigh-constant man-bashing, choose the moment that the Elvii have the upper hand to pounce. The real men, laughing hysterically as the pooves skip into battle, are pounded by the women with ease. Victorious, the women turn to the ring, and see that the Fat Elvis is eyeing the thin Oprah the way Louie Anderson would eye an all-you-can-eat buffet. Several of the more babelike women arrive first, war cries thundering through the arena. Fat Elvis' last words are "...cotton panties" as he is smothered by the tide. Thin Elvis tries to sneak out the back, but the announcement "Elvis has left the building" plays, and the enRAGEd (tm) women leave Madison Square Garden and trash every limousine in New York City, effectively destroying the last of Elvosity. Scary, isn't it?
- Sluggo @ UIC (aka Commander Squidboy)
One of the characters on Days of Our Lives has been claiming she was knocked up by Elvis (the fat one). It was recently revealed that it was in fact not Elvis, but Stephano, (for those of you not familiar with this particular soap opera, Stephano is an evil genius running a massive criminal empire, in terms of being greedy, hateful, and vengeful he makes Monty Burns look like Marge Simpson) So it should be obvious, that Stephano has disguised himself as the Fat Elvis, and then cloned the skinny Elvis for this Grudge Match (its well known all soap operas have the ability to bring back the dead whenever they are needed to deal with sagging ratings).
Between Stephano's criminal genius and the millions that worship Elvis (he apparently makes them make pilgramiges to his home (like Islam) and his followers claim to have seen him walk the earth after his death (like Christianity), there is no way the "Elvii" can lose. Elvis and Stephano will continue to learn from Christianity and Islam, and will decide to spread their new religion just as those two great religions did, by having their army "convert" all the infidel running dogs that oppose the righteousness of the truth path.
Suffice it to say, the Oprah's don't stand a chance when the Holy Army of Elvis strikes. Who can Oprah call upon, maybe a couple of Peg Bundy's but I doubt even that much. Afterall Oprah let Rolanda of all people steal the "Cinderella-Snow White" show, and even my sister (who watches almost every talk show there is) doesn't bother watching her anymore. Oprah will have to stand alone, and while I'm sure she'll fight bravely, she will fall, and be cast into the lake of fire for a thousand years, along with Michael Jackson, the cast of As the World Turns, and the Braveheart Jihad (for having another god before Elvis). It's in Revelations people!!!
- Brendan W. Guy
- nevermind, this message ain't good enough to be in the book anyway
5 years from Oprah's last broadcast folks'll look at her name and think it's a typo.
Icon power shall prevail. Presleys in 3 rounds, 7 rounds more for encores.
- John Hunter
Gotta go with Oprah on this one, based on sheer acting ability. She got an Oscar nomination for _The Color Purple_, beat up her husband Harpo regularly in the film, and required ten white guys to club her into submission.
A pair of Elvii are just gonna be toast.
Oh, and I know a lot of sentient Tennesseeans, mostly SCA folk who claim to be Vikings and Mongols and Huns (oh my)
First, Skinny Elvis will do a hip swivel, point to the sky, and a guitar will be thrown to him, seemingly from out of nowhere. He'll start swinging it at Fat Oprah, trying to aim for her massive butt. Then Skinny Oprah, the exquisitely conditioned fighting machine, will dodge the blows, get in close and wrestle the guitar away from Skinny Elvis, and immediately smash it over his head and knock him out cold. She'll then try to finish off the match by going after Fat Elvis, who all the while has been sitting in the corner oblivious, enthralled with his Colonel Sanders 21-piece Super Bucket(tm). Just as Skinny Oprah goes for the sideburns (she can't stand that outdated look) the tabloid photographers and reporters rush into the ring and dogpile Skinny Oprah, beating her to a pulp. They would have gotten into it sooner, but they had to get some good 'combat' pics first. Since the Elvii have given the reporters much more income and cover stories over the years, and the public will buy more copies of Elvis than Oprah, it was inevitable. They had to preserve their source of income, as well as feeling a sense of loyalty to The King. Since at this point, the stadium is in total pandemonium, the match has to be called off, but the Special Forces unit from the National Enquirer(tm) runs in and carries the Elvii off to safety, as well as taking some pictures of the bloodied Oprah for their next issue.
- Brian Monroe
Our group, Those With Incomplete Girth (TWIG), is a not-for-profit organization founded to belay the stereotypes of those underweight individuals in our country and the world. TWIG searches for the persecution of, as you say, "skinny" people and documents it for further study.
We are not trying to be intrusive or censoring. We are simply trying to reduce the humiliation we must endure. You might understand our situation if you’ve ever not been served because you were turned sideways and the employee at the McDonald’s counter couldn’t see you to help you. You wouldn’t laugh so hard if you knew that, in 1996 alone, 58 thin people were blown off America’s beaches and into the oceans, never to be seen again(TM). You’ve all heard the joke: How many skinny people can you fit in the shower? I don’t know—they keep slipping down the drain. Well, it’s not quite so funny when it happens to you!
We ask that you simply change the word skinny in your match’s title to a less offensive word, perhaps one of the following: thin, slightly-below-average weight, slender, or Kate-Moss-ish. All it takes is a little compassion and humor can be enjoyed by everyone. We thank you for your time and hope you will do the right thing.
Yours in gratitude,
- Mark Wentz
As past Grudge Matches tell is, when in doubt, go with the dead people.
Obviously, neither Oprah (appearing on that "Ellen" episode notwithstanding) has such a factor on their side.
The Elvii, on the other hand, have _two_: Fat Elizabeth Taylor and Skinny Elizabeth Taylor.
The Oprahs' heads will be ringing from handbag concussions before thirty seconds have elapsed. Tacky Championship Belts (tm) to both Elvii. Assuming the fat one can fit into his.
- Robin Shortt, SubGenius Pope of Canberra and Goulburn
- The Skipper
The Fight of the Fatties will be more interesting. Fat Oprah will try softening Fat Elvis up by suggesting he broaden his mind with some titles from Oprah's Reading List(tm). "No way, big mamma," will be the reply. "I get all my culture from TV ... and I shoot it whenever you come on."
Discouraged though she is, FO does not FO. She counters by tempting FE with some delicious recipes from her personal cook, but learns her lesson and carefully avoids mentioning the related best-selling book. This gets FE hungry, which ends up becoming FO's undoing.
There's a seismic rumble from his stomach, and an ear-splitting belch. Redolent of junk food and barbiturates, the fumes overwhelm Fat Oprah, simultaneously sending her into hallucinations and diabetic shock. The match ends several minutes later, the time it takes for Fat Elvis to bend down and pin her for a three-count.
Long Live the Kings! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Elvis and Elvis have left the Grudge Match(tm).
- Call me Shane
But even this advantage is nothing compared to the Elvii ultimate weapon: Cloning. Clearly, Elvis has been cloned tens of thousands of times forming a massive army of Hunka-Hunka Burning Love(tm). Why? I have no idea. But how else can you explain the hundreds of sightings every year as reported by the National Enquirer, Weekly World Reports and all those other tabloids? It can't be the original Elvis since everyone knows from Men In Black and The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy that the he has left the planet.
So, if you combine the clones with the hoards of Las Vegas impersonators and millions of obsessive gullible fans, that makes a force that could easily conquer the world. With the original King(s) of Rock'N'Roll(tm) now back at the helm (with a fleet of state-of-the-art Star Cruisers with blue suede interior at his command, no doubt), the time has come. The Oprahs are simply a first step in a chain of events that will bring the galaxy to its knees.
- Paul Goolba
- Elvis's Devoted Redneck Flunkey.
- Noel "couldn't think of anything better than this stupid joke" Schornhorst
1)Gimmick: As the Slim Jim(tm) snapping Macho Man Randy Savage taught us, if you want to win, you've got to have a gimmick. Following in the prestigious footsteps of the Honky Tonk Man, Elvis has the edge here with his hip-swaying, guitar playing, "don't step on my blue suede shoes" 'tude.
2)Outside inteference: On the surface it looks like the King's got this in the bag. After all, he's got connections to the creepiest guy alive, the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. But no dice, Oprah doesn't get rattled. Instead, she calls out her own Legion of Doom(tm)-Ricki, Montel, Jerry, and Rolanda (fresh from the Cinderella/Snow White slapfest). No cheap makeovers this time, the two Kings go home in full body casts.
The pycho-social phenomenon known in this culture as 'elvis' has been known to humanity at least as far back as the earliest known Babylonian civilization. He is the aspect our collective subconscious that enjoys lustful singing, the wooing of young, fertile females, the eating of rich foods and potent drink, and the leaving of said fertile females after fertization. He is, in short, a deity representing the Masculine Ideal(tm).
He has known many names; Pazuzu, Enlil, Thor, John Wayne, Conan, Rambo, and more. His accomplisments in love, war (you will recall Elvis was in the army for a time) and sheer appetite, are all hints to his divine nature, as they echo many legends about his other incarnations (dying on the privy is, granted, a new twist).
As if summoning ONE god weren't enough, you had to summon the other half of the modern pantheon!! the Oprah myth is, as far as historians can tell, is as least as old as Elvisianity (many stattuettes found in neolithic caves with swollen stomach and pendulous breasts-the so called 'venus figures' have led many to wonder _how much_ older . She represents the Yang to Elvis' Ying. Women looking for a vengeful power have called upon Her help with names like Ishtar, Athena, Hera, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and Thelmaandlouise, to domesticate their men, and maybe help out with the dishes. Yes, the Earth-mother Oprah, along with her daughter Janeway (birthed, the legends say, from an alimony hearing) have seen many a wandering man drive their offspring to ballet lessons under their icy gaze.
Neither side will win this horrific conflict. Each deity, manifesting both of their old man/woman and child child avatars, will fling huge, raw chunks of reality at each other, summoning hordes of lesser demigods to their sides. After fighting themselves to exhaustion, they will retreat back to their respective spirit worlds, nursing their wounds, while the ruined planet continues to spin only through a limited truce between the two.
Tell Oprah to come back to the ring when she gets her own postage stamp.
- "Disco" Daron
While the Oprahs have a considerable backing contingent, there is a far larger, more evil force backing up the Elvii. They are: The Elvis Impersonators(TM)!
The Oprahs can do anything they want to the skinny Elvis, hell, he'll probably be scoring with all the ring card girls. But it is the multitude of Fat Elvis Impersonators(TM) that will be the Oprahs' undoing. Knock one fat Elvis out, another will be there to take his place. Nevermind the fact that they may be wearing different Sequined Jumpsuits(TM), nevermind that their Sweat Scarves(TM) will be different colors, nevermind that some of them will be African-Americans, Japanese, or even children, the referees will never be smart enough to tell the difference. There will be so many Fat Elvis Impersonators(TM) that the Oprahs will tire and ultimately be defeated.
"You bet, Phil. Elvis 1 has had nothing but lettuce for two months, while Elvis 2 has been force-fed, much like the geese that the French use to make pate de foie gras. Meanwhile, both Oprahs have been fluctuating wildly: luckily, we did end up with one skinny one and one fat one in time for the match. But now I see some commotion ringside. Bob?"
"Yes, Jim, there seems to be a number of duos trying to get into the ring. There's the Marlon Brandi: they've just kicked referee C. Everett Koop in the cojones! And on the other side, Elizabeth Taylors, Ricki Lakes, and Shelley Winterses are mauling security. How does it look to you, Kevin?"
"Well, Bob, it looks like the entire arena is full of fat stars with their skinny counterparts. From up here, I can see Robert De Niri and Sylvester Stallones battling it out. It looks like De Niri just cold-cocked the Stallones with his Oscars. I now hear screams coming from the buildings entrance. Greg?"
"Thanks, Kevin. Yes, there seems to be some sort of frightening disturbance here, but I can't quite see, since the Dan Ayckroyds are in the way. It appears to be...OH NO! EVACUATE THE BUILDING! IT'S THE RICHARD SIMMONSES...."
Investigations revealed that nobody in the building survived the disaster. Surely it was a dark day for American professional wrestling.
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
- Jedi Ry
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