World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

A raucous crowd fills Madison Square Garden once again. Arena crews had worked around the clock to clean up the mess from the Barney-Wesley bloodbath the night before. The audience was surprisingly restless in the moments before the introduction. Typically, a blood-letting of the magnitude of a chainsaw duel will calm a crowd for a good week, but tonight is something different. Tonight is something special. Tonight is Tag Team Night (tm).

"Laaadiies and gentlemaaan! Are you ready to RUUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE??!! [The crowd comes to its feet] Tonight! Live! The WWWF (tm) No Holds Barred (tm) Tag Team Championship of the World! In the red corner, weighing in at 172 pounds... The Memphis Masher! The Graceland Goliath! The Once and Future King, Elllviiiis Preeeesleeeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] And his partner, weighing in at 241 pounds... The Potato Masher! The Graceland Glutton! The Once and Future King, Elllviiiis Preeeesleeeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!]

"And in the blue corner, weighing in at 141 pounds... The Daytime Destroyer! The Main Male Bashing Mama! The Queen of Mindless Talk, Opraaaah Wiiinfreeey! [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] And her partner, weighing in at 250 pounds... The Buffet Destroyer! The Main Meal Bashing Mama! The Queen of Mindless Talk, Opraaaah Wiiinfreeey!" [YEEEAAAAHHHH!!] So, Steve, who do you like in this paradoxical prize bout?

Fat Oprah Winfrey and Skinny Oprah Winfrey Fat Elvis Presley and Skinny Elvis Presley

Fat Oprah & Skinny Oprah


Fat Elvis & Skinny Elvis

The Commentary

STEVE: Well Brian, they don't call them The King (tm) for nothing. The Elvii will totally dominate this match. Let's look in depth at the phenomenon known as The King(s):

Skinny Elvis is a man of infinite capabilities. There is nothing he can't do. All you need for proof of this is to watch Viva Las Vegas. He can sing, dance, wash dishes, play guitar, waterski, fly a helicopter, race cars, gamble, act, win the woman, .... The list goes on and on.. Adding a tag-team championship to his impressive list of credentials will be simplicity itself.

Fat Elvis is a man destined to be in the ring. With his sunglasses he has the element of surprise -- Oprah won't know where he's looking, or where he'll attack next. With his high-protein diet of Fluffernutter Sandwiches (tm) his muscle mass will be off the scale (literally). The extra weight provided by said sandwiches will make him the proverbial Immovable Object, immune to any attack Oprah may attempt. And the slickness of his high-gloss polyester jumpsuit will make him impossible to hold or pin down.

All the Oprahs have going for them is attitude. And that won't mean much with 241 pounds of Elvis bearing down on them.

BRIAN: I gotta go with the pro, Steve, and when it comes to Male Bashing (tm), nobody is in Oprahs' league. Whether it's trailer trash Cletus two-timing on Petula, or the King of Rock'N'Roll doing Priscilla wrong, the Oprahs are on the scene to make things right. And they're not held back by their rigid talk show format. Now they can do what they've always wanted to do. In the Elvii, they see all the no-good, low-down men they've had to be polite to over the years: the cheating Bufords, the lying Bubbas, the dead beat Rufuses, Tennesseeans. Talk about your festering Rage (tm). It's been pent up for over a decade now, and it's all going to be focused on those two sorry little men.

And what do the Elvii have to fight for? What possible reason could they have to take on the Oprahs? Sure, the fat one might try to win to get their peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but that would just piss them off further. And with this question of motivation comes the biggest question in tag team wrestling: who's willing to cheat? Clearly, it's the Oprahs. Each Elvis lives a sheltered life: Skinny in the foothills of Appalachia, Fatso behind his entourage of hired friends. Cheating would never even occur to them. The Oprahs, however, see the greater good (Male Bashing) and will do whatever is necessary. In their minds, the ends justify the means.

And let's look at the individuals here, Steve. The fat Elvis is worthless: he's been sitting around eating junk food and watching TV for the past 10 years. For Heaven's sake, the man died on a toilet!! He'll be lucky to even be able to stand, never mind face the wrath of either of the Oprahs. And the skinny Elvis is just too dang skinny to have any kind of effective punch. The Oprahs, on the other hand, are both very dangerous. The skinny Oprah ran marathons and pumped iron. The fat Oprah has sheer mass behind her blows. Would anyone here want to take on Nell Carter? I think my point is made.

And just for the record, Skinny Elvis could not act.

STEVE: Sure, the Elvii may have once been no-good lyin' two-timin' talk-show fodder, but they've changed. Young Elvis, in his move to Hollywood, turned into an angelic heartthrob, able to sweet-talk even the meanest of women. Oprah should be no different and will succumb as well. And Old Elvis falls into the "wierdo" category, not the "no-good man" category. The end result is that your proposed Rage (tm) is just not going to surface. As a matter of fact, don't forget that everyone loves the Elvii. They are The Kings, after all. This means Oprah must too. Quite the opposite of Rage (tm).

Oprah has one other problem we must address. Once you get the Oprahs all excited, they're going to start with the Talk-Show Angry-Woman Head-Gyration (tm). (Note: FCC Regulations section 24, paragraph 3 explicitly state that an angry woman on a talk show *must* perform this neck maneuver whenever she's about to tell someone off). The Oprahs' excessive neck movement while trying to yell and make a point will cause them to become dizzy and lose their balance. For Fat Oprah, this means she will have to stay there since no front-end loaders are present to right her again. For skinny Oprah on her Dexatrim (tm) diet, she will pass out and have to be given intravenous nourishment to be revived. The Head-Gyration will spell doom for the Oprahs.

BRIAN: I can't believe what I'm reading. Clearly, you missed FCC Regulations, section 24, paragraph 3a which exempts the talk show host from such required gyrations. Have you ever seen Oprah do this? No! But this Head-Gyration thing only leads me into my main point: the audience. Obviously, since this is wrestling, members of the audience will become involved. What kind of fans will the Elvii have in their corner? A bunch of screaming teenagers that, if they aren't passing out, are trying to hit him with their hotel room keys. Hardly an asset. Who do the Oprahs have? Many of their most loyal fans. If you want Head Gyrating, Steve, you got it. If either of the Elvii is able to even come close to getting a hold of one of the Oprahs, you'll see about 100 Ultra-Permed (tm) women stand up, with head massively gyrating, saying "Boy! You best get your sorry honky hands off'n my Ofrah lest I slap you upside the head!" And when the Elvii don't comply, they will not be constrained by the usual talk show rules and will storm the ring. It ain't gonna be pretty.

Plus, if any gyrating goes on in the ring, it's going to be done by Skinny Elvis' hips. While that might make his teenage fans swoon (which will only further weaken his back-up), it tends to disgust anyone who grew up after the 60s. This alone could send the entire audience, sickened after years of tabloid Elvis sightings, into a homicidal rage. At the very least, however, this excessive gyrating will only serve to incapacitate Skinny. You can't float like a butterly or sting like a bee when you're so "All Shook Up" that you can't control yourself.

Face it, Steve, the Oprahs have major advantages in conditioning, strength, craftiness and outside support. This time, when news stations across the country show live footage of the broken bodies, there will be no question as to what happened to Elvis. The Elvii have left the building, in body bags.

Thanks to Tom Urbanowski of Houston, TX and Russell Miller for inspiring this match-up with similar suggestions.

The Results

The Elvii (1702)


The Oprahs (833)

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Voter Comments


Nature, through natural selection, has given many species the ability to uniquely defend themselves in critical situations. The Puffer Fish, for example, has the ability to inflate with air and water to make their bodies too large to be consumed by predators.

Not unlike the Puffer Fish, both Elvis and Oprah appear to have a similar "Puffing" characteristic. In situations of perceived danger, both celebrities can inflate in size to reduce their risk of being consumed by a predator. As surprising as it sounds, fat Oprah is actually skinny Oprah preparing for a combative situation. This also applies to skinny and fat Elvis. Since neither celebrity has ever truly been in a dangerous combat situation with a "Puffing" opponent, the full extent of their "Puffing" power will be quickly and painfully realized. Size cannot be the deciding factor in this battle.

Elvis' location will be the deciding factor.
Currently, popular culture perceives Elvis to be in one of three locations:

  1. Dead and buried with a misspelled grave marker.
  2. Sailing amongst the reaches of the galaxy with aliens yet to be detected by the X-Files.
  3. Living on earth and currently dining at a fast food restaurant nearby.
This leaves three possible paths of logic to determine the champion:
  1. Since the Grudge Match(tm) is taking place, Elvis cannot be dead.
  2. If he's circling the Earth in a flying saucer he has better things to do than battle Oprah Winfrey. He would use his Ray of Death(tm) from an undetermined location in space.
  3. The battle can only occur if Elvis is still alive and walking among humankind. To remain popular with his devoted fans Elvis cannot allow the public to learn he is alive. Since Oprah is a well-loved celebrity, Elvis would need to defeat her unconventionally. He will need to throw the private match with a Paparazzi present. Every tabloid cover would show a picture of Oprah fat, enraged, and holding the limp body of the beloved "King" of rock and roll. Oprah will be destroyed by the talk-show society that created her.

- RBaker

ROTW (tm) Runner-up

While Oprah may be the highest paid female in the entertainment industry, her fan support is nothing to that of "The King". When Oprah comes on TV, the only people that faint are the ones who see their sons and daughters on the "I Cheated on My Wife With My Brother and a Domesticated Animal" episode. The sheer presence of Elvis brought many women to sexual climax. Certainly, with this kind of fan loyalty, if the match were to tilt in the Oprahs' favor, some crazed chick with a beehive hairdo would storm into the ring and beat Oprah sensless with a hula-hoop. Oprah by disqualification.

- Mike O'Neill

At her worst, (recall "The Color Purple") Fat Oprah got beat up, sent to prison, had her spirit broken but eventually bounced back. At his worst, Fat Elvis died on a toilet.

Skinny Elvis played guitars, raced cars and wooed women. Skinny Oprah built a multimedia empire and ran marathons. I love the Kings but I gotta go with the Oprahs on this one.

- Pete

Bein' from Tennesee I reckon I got to vote Elvis. What ya'll forgot to say is how we's wrassle in the hills. We's got eye gougin' and nose bitin' round here. We's also got strong blood lines since we marry our own cousins. Bout everyone here related some how. So you see I gots to vote for cousin Elvis cause we's blood.

- Ethelred Cobb

Brian mentions years of Elvis signtings as a potential cause of Rage (tm) in Oprah and her fans, leading to her victory. Actually, the Elvis sightings can only work against her, as a sort of smokescreen. Skinny Oprah will think she sees Elvis in the ring only to be distracted by the sight of him in the crowd. She turns her attention back to the ring as old Elvis tries to choke her with a silk scarf. She evades him, and tries to bring in her partner, Fat Oprah, but she will be distracted by the Elvis selling hot dogs and be unable to assist her skinny self. Left to her own devices, Skinny Oprah will be overborne by the weight of Old Elvis.

Sadly, this is too much for him to take in his age, so he passes the fight on the Young Elvis, who is at a disadvantage, since Fat Oprah is paying attention again, and she might be big enough to take him. However, young Elvis gyrates out of the way of her lumbering mass, and she cannot catch and crush him. So, fat Oprah calls on her legions of fans to help her out. But to no avail....

"That's not really Elvis!" Cries one of Oprah's legion. "I saw the real one yesterday at the 7-11."

"And I saw him on the alien vessel that abducted me three years ago! The said they were taking him back to Neptune to do experiments on him!"

"No! I'm carrying elvis's triplets. I can't attack their father," announces a third fan. And all the others have similar stories. Unable to attract assistance, fat Oprah must simply wait for an opening. But one never comes, and eventually young Elvis's dodgeing and feinting gyrations wear her out, and the talk show hostesses must surrender to that superior form of life, the Tennesseean.

- Field Marshal Dusty Sayers, O.St.D. of Tennessee

Gentlemen--Elvis is the clear choice here!! Two simple words "Jailhouse Rock." The man did hard time, for God's sake!! If you think for a minute that he could not tear something off a turnbuckle and fashion a crude shank with which to gut the Oprahs, you belong on the short bus with the slow kids. And Oprah, she has given up her men-are-bad rage to focus on...reading. Believe me, no book club lady is gonna beat on The King. Lastly, let us remember his career as a boxer in the lesser known "Kid Galahad," where a young Elvis returns to his birthplace and becomes a boxer who is often bludgeoned before landing the knockout punch. The lesson here: even if the Oprahs get off to a hot start, Kid Galahad will finish what they started. Fat Elvis off the top rope onto a prone skinny Oprah in the center of the ring.

- Mike H.

The Elvii win, no contest. Somewhere, Sometime, Somehow in this match, something will happen that will make emotions run high in the crowd and the contestants. What do each of the contestants do when their emotions are running wild? Oprah will cry and pause to let the drama of the moment sink in for her audience. There is no force in the universe that can change this fact or stop Oprah from crying when the moment is right. Elvis, however, always does the same thing when the plot thickens. He sneers and starts to sing. Herein lies his advantage. He'll reach under the ring for his guitar and start to stroll around the floor outside the ring while he's singing. Sooner or later he'll stroll around near the corner where Oprah is dramatically pausing and tearing up. Then that big guitar will be smashed over Oprah's head. While she's staggering, Elvis will slap a reverse neckbreaker (called the heartbreak hotel) on her. This is his finishing move and no one ever gets up from a finishing move in wrestling.

I've seen fat Elvis vanquish much tougher opponents than Oprah during his stellar wrestling career as the Honkey Tonk Man. He was even the intercontinental belt holder for a long time until the Ultimate Warrior put a whoopin' on him. Believe me, Oprah is no Ultimate Warrior.

- Colonel Bob

I really think the Elvii are in trouble. You get an upset woman, no matter how large or small, and anything can happen.

This match will end with a double-pin. Fat Oprah will crush Skinny Elvis (hips and all) like an empty Dairy Queen Blizzard cup with a flying leap from the bottom rope. Fat Elvis is just going to get tired of lugging his big-ol' butt around the ring chasing marathon-woman Oprah and pass out. This one is no contest.

- Lee Lahti

One vital peice of misinformation has been given-- Elvis did not die on his toilet as you thought. His inner hunka hunka burnin love was elevated to a higher plane. At this level, he was endowed with the deadly power of mega-pelvis-thrashing. Using his powers only for good, Elvis has been wandering this Earth, since his "death". Who do you think knocked down the Berlin Wall. It wasn't a bunch of students with thier hammers, but a lonely man (I feel so lonely..) gyrating his hips on the side.

Until now he has kept a low profile. But something about Oprah irks his troubled soul. So when the opportunity comes to fight the good fight, and save the people from endless talk shows, he signs up. Hence, his appearance at the match. Through the advances of cloning (kudos the Dolly the sheep), Elvis becomes not only his former svelte self, but the oh so pudgy alter ego too. Incensed at seeing his later 'self' he barrels into the ring.

Skinny Oprah climbs into the ring with her microphone, pestering the King with pointless questions. With a one-two twist of the pelvis to the right, Elvis knocks skinny Oprah to the ground, where she lays, the microphone stuck in her left ear. Fat Oprah jumps in. Fat Elvis tries to get into the ring too. But skinny Elvis is out of control. As his hips gyrate faster and faster, Fat Oprah is flung out of the ring. Fat Elvis steps in too close and is enveloped in the vortex of swiveling body parts.

A bright flash of light emanates from the now joined Elvii. The King is back! Seeming to be in his prime once again, he, they, Elvis, is declared the winner. Long live the King!!

- Pookahead

Fat Elvis is prepared, baby. In 1970 Elvis got an audience with Richard Nixon, ostensibly in order to present him with a gift- a Civil War era pistol. Nixon responded by asking how he could repay the favor, and Elvis asked to be granted the powers and badge of a DEA agent. As Dave Barry would say, I'm not making this up. So he makes a few pre-match arrangements...

Wisely, both teams go with their fitter member, and Thin Elvis and Thin Oprah circle each other warily. Meanwhile Fat Elvis gives a signal, and several undercover DEA extraction specialists grab Fat Oprah and smuggle her out of the Garden, an easy task compared to smuggling fat drug kingpins past masses of narcoperps and Federales. Soon Fat Oprah is downtown, where she is given an extensive body cavity search. After all, Elvis said she was smuggling 15 kilos of blow under her flab...

eanwhile, Thin Elvis is being chased around the ring by Thin Oprah. Few men could match the strength of a woman who has made exercise her personal god, unless he himself is a fitness freak. Eventually she catches him, throws him to the mat and begins thumping his head against the canvas. Desperately, the King reaches out for his future self... and connects! A well placed karate kick leaves Thin Oprah momentarily dazed (fitness doesn't guarantee punch-taking ability) and a top-rope belly-flop leaves her flattened under the weight of the bacon-fed behemoth that is Elvis.

She tries everything. She reaches out for her partner, but she's downtown meeting her cellmate, Crazy Bertha. She manages to wriggle her knee into his family jewels, but Oprah is no match for the numbing effects of Percodan. Finally, inspiration strikes, she struggles to get her face free, and utters 23 horrible words: "Hey Elvis, did you know that Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson and admitted on national TV that she did the nasty with him?" The knowledge that every father's greatest fear has come true for him is too much for Elvis's heart (which must have been about the size of a Barcalaounger by this point in his life) and her tactic backfires: his full weight falls on her head, and she passes on to that great daytime schedule in the sky. Pin and match to Elvis.

His Purple Mountain Majesty the King is removed with a forklift (Coroner's determination: Death by Cruel Realization) and his victim is removed with a spatula. Thin Elvis accepts the WWWF Belt, but breaks his foot when it slips out of his fried-banana-grease-covered hands. Fat Oprah gets out after a week of administrative hold and her next five shows are titled "The Rotund Lesbian Convict Who Is The Wind Beneath My Wings"

- Slverback- Rambette's Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love

The two Elvii win for one really good reason, Elvis IS God.You can not defeat God. Why is he God you ask? Well, there has only been one other person that people have seen in greater numbers after his death, that person being Jesus.

- Dick (

Ok, Fat Elvis has this one in the bag, right down there in the bottom with the donuts and chocolate bars. Sure, the young Elvis hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell, but the Fat Elvis has just returned from a few decades with the MARTIANS. For god's sake, have you seen these guys? Elvis is no longer merely the mortal incarnation of God he was when he left us, he's now a bionic-armour-plated-killing-machine-and-all-round-engine-of-pain (pat. pending).

[Young] Elvis barely has time to finish saying "Thangoo verymuch" to the crowd before Skinny Oprah does the old po-wrestling fave of Smashing The Stool On His Unwatching Back (copyright WWF, reprinted without permission). Young Elvis goes down in a hail of blood and splinters, but since a part of his ribcage lands on Fat Elvis, it counts as a tag.

Fat Elvis, his metabolism increased a hundredfold by the Martians, needs some extra calories at this stage, so he promptly shoves thin Oprah into his gaping cybernetically enhanced maw. Technically this should end the match, but this is Pro-Wrestling, not a sport with real rules.

Fat Oprah gets up to defeat the bloated biomechanical freak that is the post-Martian FatElvis. Fat Oprah does not have the rage on her side, as she is too busy feeling relieved that a reminder of hr skinny days has been disposed of. Now, it would seem that she is no match for the cellulite cyborg opposing her, but there's one thing to remember. As we found out last week, talk show hosts are all animatronics these days, so this ain't no ordinary showdown.

The crowd goes wild as both contestants brutally rip chunks of artificial fat from each other, revealing the mechanical endoskeletons beneath. Here it becomes just another Robocop II style grand finale, where the one who really cares (Elvis) is able to defeat the monster-on-the-loose created by the faceless corporation (Oprah). Elvis eventually manages this victory using his Martian Death Ray (tm), which he recieved from Marvin the Martian during his years in space.

- The Amazing Rallan

Lets just face it. Elvis was the most pathetic being, human or otherwise, that ever walked the planet. His stupidity transcends Beavis, Butthead, Wesley, Barney, and the entire crew of 90210. Oprah, on the other hand, is merely mildly irritating and has no taste in books. In the final seconds, the sheer hatred directed at the Pelvis will cause him to spontaneously combust, while the irritation directed at the Oprahs will cause her to develop a mild rash.

Oprah in 78 seconds

- BookBeast

You have managed to overlook one very important factor. Drugs. Fat Elvis is seriously drugged up and will not be able to function effectively. Yes his bulk is an advantage but not if he is moving slightly faster than I-35 in Dowtown Austin at rush hour. Skinny Oprah on the other hand is on StimuTrim (TM) and will be moving like the Indy 500. Einstein proved that Velocity equals Mass and with Skinny Oprah moving at Relativistic speeds she becomes the proverbial Irresistable Force.

The only hope for the Elvii is if Tiny Elvis shows up and becomes a gremlin in Skinny Oprah. This is not unlikely since Men Behaving Badly won't last long enough to keep whatsisname employed for long and he'll have to reprise his SNL role to put bread on the table. Even with Tiny Elvis I still give the match to the Oprahs in 5 min. 32 Sec.

- Hatter

Come now, the Elvises' success is guaranteed. Why should the Oprahs' male bashing skills be of any importance? This ain'ta talkin'! This is wrasslin'!

On that note, let's look at professional wrestling. Riddle me this: who was the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time? Why, the Honky Tonk Man, an Elvis impersonator. Not only could he sing and dance, but he could wrestle.

Next Question: Who's better, Elvis or his impersonators? Obviously Elvis. SO if the Honky Tonk Man was cool, conky and bad, ya gotta figure Elvis was even cooler, conkier and badder in the ring. He was just too busy singing to prove it. But just look at him. Rhinestones, sunglasses, tight pants, outlandish haircut. This guy looks like a natural in the squared circle.

Any Oprah impersonators in wrestling? Of course not! She's just too normal to make it anywhere in wrestling. A manager, maybe. A wrestling superstar, forget it. Zero impersonators means zero talent.

- Mike Smith

I gotta go with Steve, on this one. Elvis will win. You guys even came pretty close to the mark as to why when you discussed his eating habits. Fluffernutter will not be the key to Elvis' victory, nor will PB & bananna sandwiches be his undoing. Two reasons point to victory going to the King.

Reason #1: Elvis will win because he can eat the Fools Gold Loaf.

Go look it up in any book that talks about the King's eating habits. He would regularly fly from Graceland to Colorado to eat this sandwich, which was essentialy nothing more complex than an entire loaf of Italian bread, hollowed out and filled with peanut butter & jelly, topped off with a pound of bacon.

In her heyday as an eater, Oprah couldn't even hope to tackle such a challenge. Elvis polished these off regularly.

Reason #2: Although some may argue that this is a similar reason, I pose this question: Who holds a professional boxing belt, after becoming significantly larger after an extended retirement? That's right -- Foreman. The similarities are simply too great to be ignored.

Prediction: Elvis takes her out in the third. Geraldo starts his boxing training again, eager to take a shot at the title.

- Rhinoceros

Obviously, in referring to the consistency of the audience as being mostly talk-show goers, a grave miscalculation has occurred. As anyone who lives in Memphis could tell you, every year, twice a year, emphis is deluged by the Devoted (also known as lunatics by the locals). And, if they can drive across country, hop a plane, or thumb it to Graceland every year to see his house, nothing can keep them from making their way, hell or high water, to see, not one, but two, live Elvii! So, despite the one or two seats which Oprah fans might be able to get into, the crowd is going to be packed with drooling, crazed folk. You want to talk about RAGE (tm)? Try seeing your idol(s), believed (by some) to have been dead these 2 decades, being molested by two male-bashing women. The moment that either of the Oprahs lays a finger on the King, they'll go down in a hail of flame, as the memorial candles that the Devoted have been hauling around go flying into the ring. If the Elvii survive this deadly Flame of Devotion attack, they'll be lucky, but I think that the hair-products factor will contain the raging inferno to the Oprahs, thus allowing the Kings to regale the audience with a duet of Love Me Tender. Then, fights will break out among audience members over who is the better singer, skinny or fat Elvis, and pandemonium will rein, until those fateful words are uttered...."Elvis had left the building!"

- Living in Memphis (non-native)

I suppose you expect some flashy commentary?
Sorry, but I won't mention Elvis' grace compared to Oprah.
I suppose you want a stylish discussion about how Oprah is a wimp as soon as her mouth is shut?
Sorry, I won't mention that.
I also suppose you'd want me to describe how Elvis'patented "Pelvis Crush" and "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Eye Gouge" will render the Oprahs into quivering blobs of thankfully silent flesh gobbets?
Nope, I won't talk about that.
Oh, sure, you'd LOVE me to go into the disgusting character of the American people that allows someone like Oprah to encourage stupidity and make it into her personal cash cow (pun sure as hell intended).
Not gonna do it.
And as much as I'd LOVE to describe the mind-sickening techniques that I want Elvis to use to squash Oprah, and so garner revenge for the spread of the most disgusting phenomenon in TV history, the Daytime Talk Show...
I must decline.
Let me just say that, although I'm not really an Elvis fan, I will gladly cheer anyone who can pay Oprah back for spreading the disease of stupidity for her own personal profit.
Go Elvis, and stomp your Boogie-Woogie on the Queen of Scums n' Ho's!

- The Bunyip

Both the Oprahs and the Elvii have pros and cons. I'm not going to suggest the immense masses of the fat competitors will make a real difference, but Stephen Hawking just called and asked if Madison Square Garden is now the center of a new black hole. Anyways, let's start with the Elvii:

First off, the Elvii will arrive to rousing music performed by other deceased rock stars: Jim Morrison (no debate on his being alive, please), Stevie Ray Vaughan (forgive me, Stevie, but comedy demands it), Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, and John Lennon. Kurt Cobain is not there because all the aforementioned stars thought Kurt was such a whiney cryass that they told him to stick it. Not to mention the others thought his new guitar, the Fender (tm) Jag-Stang (also tm) was a blatant attempt at making a "new" guitar that looked "vintage" because it's so damn cool to be vintage. But I digress. This entourage would inspire awe in anyone. Or severe sickness, depending upon the degree of decay of some of these musicians.

Next, what's the favorite food of the Elvii? Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I'd bet real money on the fact that this combination of foods causes a nasty unedifying chemical reaction in the bowels. Net result: flatulence of such olfactory terror that even the most intrepid of contestants will defenestrate (look it up, dummy!) in a microsecond.

And now, what would the King be without some of the people who were close to him? First we have the Colonel. He could adjust the drugs that the fat Elvii was taking to induce the proper focused, paranoid, unstoppable RAGE(tm) necessary to decapitate an opponent without a second (or a first) thought. The thin Elvis, upset that Fat Elvis is bogarting all the dope, gets real angry. A natural RAGE(tm). Luckily, he directs it toward the Oprahs.

So, Sluggo, you say, what about the Oprahs? Here it is:

The thin Oprah is able to get a celebrity to talk about ANYTHING on her show. If she was sneaky enough, the thin Oprah could cajole the thin Elvis into admitting he got his stage moves from Forrest Gump(tm) and make him collapse, shamed, in a pool of his own tears and snot.

Three words: The Color Purple. Three more words: Bored to Death. How could anyone stay conscious, much less alive?

Finally, the Steadman Graham issue. What's with him? Are they getting married or not? (boy I hope I didn't miss this bit or it screws the whole thing up) Anyways, this on-again/off-again crap for their nuptials definitely pissed Oprah off. Big Oprah. Fat Oprah. Crush-your-skull-from-the-top-turnbuckle Oprah. Yikes. Here's Oprah's share of the RAGE(tm).

So, what's the tiebreaker? Simple. Who watches Oprah's show? Women and pooves. Who doesn't? Real mean (like the Elvii). Problem? The women and pooves, whipped into a frenzy by years and years of the Oprahs' nigh-constant man-bashing, choose the moment that the Elvii have the upper hand to pounce. The real men, laughing hysterically as the pooves skip into battle, are pounded by the women with ease. Victorious, the women turn to the ring, and see that the Fat Elvis is eyeing the thin Oprah the way Louie Anderson would eye an all-you-can-eat buffet. Several of the more babelike women arrive first, war cries thundering through the arena. Fat Elvis' last words are "...cotton panties" as he is smothered by the tide. Thin Elvis tries to sneak out the back, but the announcement "Elvis has left the building" plays, and the enRAGEd (tm) women leave Madison Square Garden and trash every limousine in New York City, effectively destroying the last of Elvosity. Scary, isn't it?

- Sluggo @ UIC (aka Commander Squidboy)

Ok, lets look at this from the beginning, Elvis is DEAD! However, Elvis is here to take part in this Grudge Match, therefore he has obviously been resurrected somehow. Who you may ask has the power to do so, well the answer is obvious, only the greatest longest lasting power of daytime television could bring Elvis back to life, I am of course referring to Days of Our Lives (yes, I admit I watch it).

One of the characters on Days of Our Lives has been claiming she was knocked up by Elvis (the fat one). It was recently revealed that it was in fact not Elvis, but Stephano, (for those of you not familiar with this particular soap opera, Stephano is an evil genius running a massive criminal empire, in terms of being greedy, hateful, and vengeful he makes Monty Burns look like Marge Simpson) So it should be obvious, that Stephano has disguised himself as the Fat Elvis, and then cloned the skinny Elvis for this Grudge Match (its well known all soap operas have the ability to bring back the dead whenever they are needed to deal with sagging ratings).

Between Stephano's criminal genius and the millions that worship Elvis (he apparently makes them make pilgramiges to his home (like Islam) and his followers claim to have seen him walk the earth after his death (like Christianity), there is no way the "Elvii" can lose. Elvis and Stephano will continue to learn from Christianity and Islam, and will decide to spread their new religion just as those two great religions did, by having their army "convert" all the infidel running dogs that oppose the righteousness of the truth path.

Suffice it to say, the Oprah's don't stand a chance when the Holy Army of Elvis strikes. Who can Oprah call upon, maybe a couple of Peg Bundy's but I doubt even that much. Afterall Oprah let Rolanda of all people steal the "Cinderella-Snow White" show, and even my sister (who watches almost every talk show there is) doesn't bother watching her anymore. Oprah will have to stand alone, and while I'm sure she'll fight bravely, she will fall, and be cast into the lake of fire for a thousand years, along with Michael Jackson, the cast of As the World Turns, and the Braveheart Jihad (for having another god before Elvis). It's in Revelations people!!!

- Brendan W. Guy

You've made a fatal mistake here, the match should have been between Fat Elvis+Thin Elvis vs Fat Ricki Lake+even fatter Ricki Lake

- nevermind, this message ain't good enough to be in the book anyway

50 years from now marginally talented Rock 'n' Roll wannabes, halloween party-goers, comic-book superheroes (King Marvel from DC), gimmicky wrestlers (Honky-Tonk Man from WWF), arcade game warriors (Blue Suede Goo from Clayfighters), and a plethora of pendulum pelvised pretenders will STILL be paying homage to Elvis A. Presley

5 years from Oprah's last broadcast folks'll look at her name and think it's a typo.

Icon power shall prevail. Presleys in 3 rounds, 7 rounds more for encores.

- John Hunter

The Latin plural for Oprah is Oprae, which stands for "fluctuating bodyweight".

- Budo

Greetings from West Memphis, Arkansas.

Gotta go with Oprah on this one, based on sheer acting ability. She got an Oscar nomination for _The Color Purple_, beat up her husband Harpo regularly in the film, and required ten white guys to club her into submission.

A pair of Elvii are just gonna be toast.

Oh, and I know a lot of sentient Tennesseeans, mostly SCA folk who claim to be Vikings and Mongols and Huns (oh my)

- Angel

Elvii, Elvii, Elvii!!! Obviously the support of the fans is the most important factor in a wrestling match. The chant "Elvis" will be heard throughout the auditorium because Elvis's biggest fans are the same people who keep the wrestling business in business. When the name chant begins its only a matter of time until the Elvii pull off a victory. Not to mention the Elvii have martial arts training, boxing training and lots of gold chains that are essential for clobbering your opponent while the refferree is distracted by your partner's dancing on the ring apron. Guitars are also great for bashing against the heads of ballooning talk-show hosts.

- Gray

It'll be the Elvii, in a come-from-behind miracle:

First, Skinny Elvis will do a hip swivel, point to the sky, and a guitar will be thrown to him, seemingly from out of nowhere. He'll start swinging it at Fat Oprah, trying to aim for her massive butt. Then Skinny Oprah, the exquisitely conditioned fighting machine, will dodge the blows, get in close and wrestle the guitar away from Skinny Elvis, and immediately smash it over his head and knock him out cold. She'll then try to finish off the match by going after Fat Elvis, who all the while has been sitting in the corner oblivious, enthralled with his Colonel Sanders 21-piece Super Bucket(tm). Just as Skinny Oprah goes for the sideburns (she can't stand that outdated look) the tabloid photographers and reporters rush into the ring and dogpile Skinny Oprah, beating her to a pulp. They would have gotten into it sooner, but they had to get some good 'combat' pics first. Since the Elvii have given the reporters much more income and cover stories over the years, and the public will buy more copies of Elvis than Oprah, it was inevitable. They had to preserve their source of income, as well as feeling a sense of loyalty to The King. Since at this point, the stadium is in total pandemonium, the match has to be called off, but the Special Forces unit from the National Enquirer(tm) runs in and carries the Elvii off to safety, as well as taking some pictures of the bloodied Oprah for their next issue.

- Brian Monroe

Dear Representative of WWWF Grudge Match,
Upon hearing of your current "Fat Oprah & Skinny Oprah vs. Fat Elvis & Skinny Elvis" "Grudge Match," our organization immediately decided to write to you in protest. We see your scenario as demeaning to people of weight extremes. You seem to be using people’s weight as a source of fun and amusement. We, however, do not find it amusing.

Our group, Those With Incomplete Girth (TWIG), is a not-for-profit organization founded to belay the stereotypes of those underweight individuals in our country and the world. TWIG searches for the persecution of, as you say, "skinny" people and documents it for further study.

We are not trying to be intrusive or censoring. We are simply trying to reduce the humiliation we must endure. You might understand our situation if you’ve ever not been served because you were turned sideways and the employee at the McDonald’s counter couldn’t see you to help you. You wouldn’t laugh so hard if you knew that, in 1996 alone, 58 thin people were blown off America’s beaches and into the oceans, never to be seen again(TM). You’ve all heard the joke: How many skinny people can you fit in the shower? I don’t know—they keep slipping down the drain. Well, it’s not quite so funny when it happens to you!

We ask that you simply change the word skinny in your match’s title to a less offensive word, perhaps one of the following: thin, slightly-below-average weight, slender, or Kate-Moss-ish. All it takes is a little compassion and humor can be enjoyed by everyone. We thank you for your time and hope you will do the right thing.

Yours in gratitude,


- Mark Wentz

I voted for the Elvii.

As past Grudge Matches tell is, when in doubt, go with the dead people.

- Wanderer

One of the deciding factors in any Pro Rasslin' (tm) bout is the wrestler's-girlfriend-in-short-sequined-dress-swinging-a-weighted- handbag (tm).

Obviously, neither Oprah (appearing on that "Ellen" episode notwithstanding) has such a factor on their side.

The Elvii, on the other hand, have _two_: Fat Elizabeth Taylor and Skinny Elizabeth Taylor.

The Oprahs' heads will be ringing from handbag concussions before thirty seconds have elapsed. Tacky Championship Belts (tm) to both Elvii. Assuming the fat one can fit into his.

- Robin Shortt, SubGenius Pope of Canberra and Goulburn

as heavy as fat elvis is, he can still move like lightning. one day he is in a supermarket parking lot in tulsa, the next day he buying a pack of cigarettes in charleston. and noone has been able to catch him yet. and skinney elvis must be even faster. my bet is that oprah won't even see what hit her.

- jeff

From what I've seen, many are overlooking the key factor to any succesful campaign in the wrestling forum: outside assistance from brother wrestlers. Let's consider this. Oprah is in the category of "talk-show host." This teams her with such masters as Geraldo and Riki Lake. Albeit Geraldo can take a chair in the nose (a favourite for wrestlers), the fighting ability of such persons is, to say the least, negligeable. On the other side, Elvis has the catagory of "Elvi" (read "Elvis impersonators.") There is no doubt that, were the fat/skinny Oprah team to trap Elvis in a wicked suplex, thousands of Elvis impersonators would come to the rescue. Let's see Donahue stand up to that.

- The Skipper

The Skirmish of the Skinnies won't last long. As any regular reader of TV Guide knows, Skinny Oprah actually gets her body from Ann-Margaret, one of the many lithe lovelies Elvis conquered in his movie career(in, appropriately enough, "Viva Las Vegas). SE will handle SO's body the same way he handled A-M's, and there's no chattering from her head that'll stop him.

The Fight of the Fatties will be more interesting. Fat Oprah will try softening Fat Elvis up by suggesting he broaden his mind with some titles from Oprah's Reading List(tm). "No way, big mamma," will be the reply. "I get all my culture from TV ... and I shoot it whenever you come on."

Discouraged though she is, FO does not FO. She counters by tempting FE with some delicious recipes from her personal cook, but learns her lesson and carefully avoids mentioning the related best-selling book. This gets FE hungry, which ends up becoming FO's undoing.

There's a seismic rumble from his stomach, and an ear-splitting belch. Redolent of junk food and barbiturates, the fumes overwhelm Fat Oprah, simultaneously sending her into hallucinations and diabetic shock. The match ends several minutes later, the time it takes for Fat Elvis to bend down and pin her for a three-count.

Long Live the Kings! Thank you. Thank you very much.

Elvis and Elvis have left the Grudge Match(tm).

- Call me Shane

Elvis has a plethora of space aliens to help him. Since the Grays carried Elvis away since he was To Good For This World, they are certainly willing to help him with this silly talk show host. In fact, in most parts of the galaxy, there is a considerable bounty on the heads of talk show hosts. I figure the Oprahs will end up decorating some almond-eyed hunter's trophy case.


First off, though you did mention that the elder Elvis did die on the throne, you failed to mention the fact he had 14,316 different illegal and prescription drugs in his system - not to mention the booze and the unidentifiable exotic stuff. He's not feeling any pain thanks to a dope-induced Rage(tm). Alone he could take both Oprahs, her security and her entire studio audience without even regaining enough cognizance to form a complete sentence.

But even this advantage is nothing compared to the Elvii ultimate weapon: Cloning. Clearly, Elvis has been cloned tens of thousands of times forming a massive army of Hunka-Hunka Burning Love(tm). Why? I have no idea. But how else can you explain the hundreds of sightings every year as reported by the National Enquirer, Weekly World Reports and all those other tabloids? It can't be the original Elvis since everyone knows from Men In Black and The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy that the he has left the planet.

So, if you combine the clones with the hoards of Las Vegas impersonators and millions of obsessive gullible fans, that makes a force that could easily conquer the world. With the original King(s) of Rock'N'Roll(tm) now back at the helm (with a fleet of state-of-the-art Star Cruisers with blue suede interior at his command, no doubt), the time has come. The Oprahs are simply a first step in a chain of events that will bring the galaxy to its knees.

- Paul Goolba

Sheer fighting prowess. Elvis (near the end of his Skinny period and the beginning of his Fat period) became a black belt in Karate. While this probably does not give him the fighting skill of a Sho Kosugi (or even a Jean-Claude Van Damme) it would probably give him a considerable edge. What is Oprah known for in her career? Making peace between deranged white trash and assorted other rabid freaks Being reasonable and often quite sedate. Has she ever thrown down on any guest in the history of her show, even the sixty-pound white trash guys with bowl haircuts, a total of twelve teeth and a porno mustache? The most Zeke ever got from Oprah was a stern talking-to. As far as Elvis goes, you're likely to find chunks of guys like Zeke in his stool. In terms of fighting prowess and general predilection to butt-whompins, 'Vis comes out on top without breaking a sweat (unless we're talking about the fat Elvis, in which case he comes out on top whilst gushing greasy niagras of sweat.)

- Elvis's Devoted Redneck Flunkey.

When Elvis is done with her, she'll be the Phantom of the Oprah!! HAW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Never mind...

- Noel "couldn't think of anything better than this stupid joke" Schornhorst

First things first-this match boils down to skinny Oprah vs. skinny Elvis. The Jumbo King, hepped up on one too many horse tranquilizers and weighed down by the 7.9 gallons of sweat filling his polyester jumpsuit/tent, lies useless at ringside. Super-size Oprah never made it to the ring after being busted at a nearby 7-11 lifting a pair of Ding-Dongs(tm). Now since this is a wrestling match, we've gotta apply wrestling rules:

1)Gimmick: As the Slim Jim(tm) snapping Macho Man Randy Savage taught us, if you want to win, you've got to have a gimmick. Following in the prestigious footsteps of the Honky Tonk Man, Elvis has the edge here with his hip-swaying, guitar playing, "don't step on my blue suede shoes" 'tude.

2)Outside inteference: On the surface it looks like the King's got this in the bag. After all, he's got connections to the creepiest guy alive, the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. But no dice, Oprah doesn't get rattled. Instead, she calls out her own Legion of Doom(tm)-Ricki, Montel, Jerry, and Rolanda (fresh from the Cinderella/Snow White slapfest). No cheap makeovers this time, the two Kings go home in full body casts.

- SLee

Well, guys, it seems you finally Did It. In your naive drive for booking entertaining fights, you had to go that innocent but tragic One Step Too Far(tm). I only hope that enough remains of mankind to repopulate the blasted, maimed ruins of Earth. Let me explain to you misguided fools what you have unleashed on the planet.

The pycho-social phenomenon known in this culture as 'elvis' has been known to humanity at least as far back as the earliest known Babylonian civilization. He is the aspect our collective subconscious that enjoys lustful singing, the wooing of young, fertile females, the eating of rich foods and potent drink, and the leaving of said fertile females after fertization. He is, in short, a deity representing the Masculine Ideal(tm).

He has known many names; Pazuzu, Enlil, Thor, John Wayne, Conan, Rambo, and more. His accomplisments in love, war (you will recall Elvis was in the army for a time) and sheer appetite, are all hints to his divine nature, as they echo many legends about his other incarnations (dying on the privy is, granted, a new twist).

As if summoning ONE god weren't enough, you had to summon the other half of the modern pantheon!! the Oprah myth is, as far as historians can tell, is as least as old as Elvisianity (many stattuettes found in neolithic caves with swollen stomach and pendulous breasts-the so called 'venus figures' have led many to wonder _how much_ older . She represents the Yang to Elvis' Ying. Women looking for a vengeful power have called upon Her help with names like Ishtar, Athena, Hera, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and Thelmaandlouise, to domesticate their men, and maybe help out with the dishes. Yes, the Earth-mother Oprah, along with her daughter Janeway (birthed, the legends say, from an alimony hearing) have seen many a wandering man drive their offspring to ballet lessons under their icy gaze.

Neither side will win this horrific conflict. Each deity, manifesting both of their old man/woman and child child avatars, will fling huge, raw chunks of reality at each other, summoning hordes of lesser demigods to their sides. After fighting themselves to exhaustion, they will retreat back to their respective spirit worlds, nursing their wounds, while the ruined planet continues to spin only through a limited truce between the two.

- Halfjack

Oprah is a successful business woman. Elvis is a quasi-religious cultural "FORCE O' NATURE" tm.

Tell Oprah to come back to the ring when she gets her own postage stamp.

- "Disco" Daron

Anyone who watches professional wrasslin' knows that any huge, huge match such as this one will not be decided by the participants in the ring: it will be decided by outside interference.

While the Oprahs have a considerable backing contingent, there is a far larger, more evil force backing up the Elvii. They are: The Elvis Impersonators(TM)!

The Oprahs can do anything they want to the skinny Elvis, hell, he'll probably be scoring with all the ring card girls. But it is the multitude of Fat Elvis Impersonators(TM) that will be the Oprahs' undoing. Knock one fat Elvis out, another will be there to take his place. Nevermind the fact that they may be wearing different Sequined Jumpsuits(TM), nevermind that their Sweat Scarves(TM) will be different colors, nevermind that some of them will be African-Americans, Japanese, or even children, the referees will never be smart enough to tell the difference. There will be so many Fat Elvis Impersonators(TM) that the Oprahs will tire and ultimately be defeated.

- Schooly

"...and I think I'm quite safe in saying that this is the most important match in the history of fat guy/skinny guy wrestling, aren't I, Jim?"

"You bet, Phil. Elvis 1 has had nothing but lettuce for two months, while Elvis 2 has been force-fed, much like the geese that the French use to make pate de foie gras. Meanwhile, both Oprahs have been fluctuating wildly: luckily, we did end up with one skinny one and one fat one in time for the match. But now I see some commotion ringside. Bob?"

"Yes, Jim, there seems to be a number of duos trying to get into the ring. There's the Marlon Brandi: they've just kicked referee C. Everett Koop in the cojones! And on the other side, Elizabeth Taylors, Ricki Lakes, and Shelley Winterses are mauling security. How does it look to you, Kevin?"

"Well, Bob, it looks like the entire arena is full of fat stars with their skinny counterparts. From up here, I can see Robert De Niri and Sylvester Stallones battling it out. It looks like De Niri just cold-cocked the Stallones with his Oscars. I now hear screams coming from the buildings entrance. Greg?"

"Thanks, Kevin. Yes, there seems to be some sort of frightening disturbance here, but I can't quite see, since the Dan Ayckroyds are in the way. It appears to be...OH NO! EVACUATE THE BUILDING! IT'S THE RICHARD SIMMONSES...."

Investigations revealed that nobody in the building survived the disaster. Surely it was a dark day for American professional wrestling.

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

Isn't it obvious?
There will be nothing left of the Oprahs. There is a very simple reason for this: physical vs. verbal skills. True, if given enough time, the Oprahs could verbally vivisect the Elvii: all they would have to do is get the forty-seven girls who spent the night with Elvis this week to step on camera and recount for the world what an incredible disappointment those thirty-five seconds had been and how they will be eternally scarred because of them. At this point, the Oprahs would begin to explore the dreams, childhood experiences, and past romantic/sexual exploits of these women. Having no lack of empathy for these poor, frustrated souls, the Oprahs would sniff sympathetically, wipe away a tear, and then launch into a massive outpouring of blame upon the defenseless Elvii. Naturally, being the man, he is to blame for all the evils afflicting these poor women, and society as a whole. Lacking the intelligence to respond coherently (no Colonel to save the day this time), both Skinny Elvis and Fat Elvis will be quickly reduced to a pile of guilty ashes.
Fortunately for the duo of Elvis & Elvis, this scenario cannot happen. In the time it will take to get all those women on stage, program their lines into the TelePrompTer, and power up the microphone, it will all be over. All Fat Elvis has to do is gyrate his ever-active pelvic-region on over to the self-righteous Oprahs and give the fat one a quick hip shot (and we all know just how adept Elvis is at maneuvering of his pelvis), knocking her onto the skinny Oprah (who, mercifully, will be instantly crushed), and leaving the Fat Oprah immobilized on the ground (TKO!). Of course, both Elvii will be nothing more than picked-clean skeletons once the Oprahs' rabid, man-hating fans storm the ring, but they'll at least have the honor of being buried with their championship medals.
Eventually, they'll get a crane in the stadium to right the toppled Fat Oprah, who will go back to her show and promote some more books, but she will always live under the ignominous cloud of defeat.

- Jedi Ry

Well its got to be the two Oprahs any day. Skinny Elvis's hill-billy diet would have consisted of squirrel brain stew called burgoo. Scientific evidence has shown that this gormet Hill-billy Tennessee dish has a link with CJD (mad cow disease) so while Skinny Elvis is pigging out on this stuff and Lardy Elvis is dribbling and trying to remember what his name is, Skinny and Fat Oprah will move in for the kill. Skinny Oprah will hold an Elvis down and Fat Oprah will use her large mammaries and buttocks to suffocate each one in turn. No contest.

- Nard

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Prince v. Michael Jackson
Martha Stewart v. Kathie Lee Gifford
Bill & Ted v. Wayne & Garth

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© 1997, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC