World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

In a sorceress' lair deep in the Hyborean wilderness... Conan ponders an ancient map. "So, the object I seek can be found in this 'Manhattan?'"

The lithe enchantress smiles and croons, "It will crush the demons that have overwhelmed your kingdom and free your queen from their spell if you can claim it from your rivals."

"You must send me there!"

She seductively replies, "This service has a price." In a single motion, her robe falls to the floor as she opens a magical portal.

"Another time, witch," answers Conan, neatly disarming the dagger intended for his back. In a moment, he disappears into the opening...

In another time in ancient Greece... Two women approach a cave opening. "This is the place, Xena. According to the map that old woman gave us, this cave leads to someplace called 'New York City.'"

"We have to hurry. Hercules will die if we don't stop Callisto in time. Only that weapon is capable of stopping a god like her."

"But what about the warning about others seeking the same prize?"

Xena lifts her chakram and smirks. "I think I can handle it. Now come on, Gabrielle. You're not safe here as long as Callisto is free." They fade into the darkness of the cave...

Late Twentieth Century, A.D.... It's a warm, lazy summer afternoon in the Borough of Manhattan in New York City. In an isolated section of Central Park, a mysterious mist appears and out walk three familiar figures. A disembodied voice booms over them:

"Travellers, you have come a long way. The object you seek is divided into three parts on this island. The American Museum of Natural History harbors the Ring of Wisdom; the United Nations holds the Scepter of Power; the dreaded 'Pit' of the New York Stock Exchange hides the Diamond of Wealth. Only you three will be able to see the pieces, but beware! Each one is protected by a powerful guardian. You who is destined to succeed must reassemble the components into the Laserblast of the Ancients(TM) and bring it to the top of the Empire State Building. There you will be returned to your own time. The other will be stranded here FOREVER!"

As soon as the voice is silenced, Conan and Xena instinctively turn toward each other and pull their swords. But their combat is interrupted by a magical lightning bolt and both groups scatter...

So, gentlemen, who will succeed in winning this Deadly Magical Scavenger Hunt Quest of the Ages(TM)?

NOTE: According to WWWF Grudge Match(TM) bylaws, all primitive time travellers in the twentieth century will be able to speak English. All rights reserved. Grudge Match employees are not eligible. Not valid in Arkansas, Guam, the Yukon Territory and some areas of Australia. Prohibited where not allowed.

Xena: Warrior Princess Conan the Barbarian




The Commentary

DAVE: Paul, let me start off by saying what a real honor and a privilege it is to be working with you on this particular Grudge Match. But let me be brief. After careful consideration. I've come to the conclusion (and I'm sure you'll agree) that Xena will ultimately lose out to the Original Barbarian(TM), Conan.

There is of course, the environment factor: everyone knows how much tougher it was when our parents were kids - just imagine how bad it was when Conan was around. Jump forward a few thousand years to Xena's time and you see things are a lot easier - the average Hyborean fighter looks like s/he just stepped out of a late 70's strongman competition whereas your average Xena hero/villain looks more like mid-80's aerobics video. Frankly, if I knew I had to go up against Conan, I'd put the plastic steps away and start squatting AMC Gremlins. Advantage Conan.

The second factor is experience. Xena is of course a warrior, as well as a princess. Conan is or has been a barbarian, conqueror, destroyer, buccaneer, warrior, hero, thief, freebooter, wanderer, adventurer, usurper, etc., ad infinitum. He hasn't been a princess, but can usually pick one up whenever he needs one. In short, Conan's tray has come back overloaded from the buffet table of experience, whereas Xena's plate bears only a small salad and some cottage cheese.

The third factor is motivation. I think this "wandering do-gooder" gig has made Xena something of a dupe. She's likely to get caught up in the plight of some victimized local's quest for justice, wasting valuable time. Conan can only be deterred by money, sex, or fame. Xena gets ten out of ten for style, but I say C. B. gets the goods.

Factor four is the Big Apple(TM). I have a feeling that Xena and Gabrielle may just get caught between the moon and New York City, if you catch my drift. The ensuing Internet flame war over the true nature of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship should give Conan the opportunity to escape with his own subtexts(TM) intact.

So there you have it, Paul. Any closing remarks?

PAUL: You know, I remember my newbie days when I thought I was always right. Well, Dave, you're about to get a hard lesson in reality. Folks, you might want to turn your heads now because this ain't gonna be pretty.

First off, who are these "strongmen?" Thulsa Doom? He was a big fat flower child. And I sure hope you are not talking about Wilt Chamberlain. It is kind of hard to put up a good fight when suffering from a dozen cases of syphilis. Anyway, he does not have enough coordination to hit free throws much less handle a weapon properly. These losers were a lot closer to intensive care than a showdown with Magnus ver Magnusson(TM).

Your experience edge does not materialize either. Let us take a look at Conan's resume. Ten years as a slave pushing a wheel around in a circle,... majored in getting drunk,... ah, a proficiency in carousing with loose women. Forgive me if I fail to recognize the practical uses for these "skills." Xena, on the other hand, earned the title of Warrior Princess through hands-on experience. During her adventures, she learned dozens of fighting techniques including martial arts, the chakram and pressure points and uses them to defeat centaurs, amazons, giants and even gods. That is more than enough experience to defeat a mentally deficient barbarian.

And do not forget the new settings. Rockefeller Center. Greenwich Village. Radio City Music Hall. There is no place on Earth where there are more opportunities for money, sex and/or fame than Manhattan. Conan, who still has not got the handle of this concept of civilization, will be constantly distracted and slowed down in retrieving the objects. If he finds his way to Times Square, he may never come out, if you know what I mean. Xena, who comes from an Americanized ancient Greece, will be much more adaptable to these familiar surroundings.

Finally, there is Gabrielle. Xena's sidekick once convinced a hungry cyclops not to eat her. With these interpersonal skills, she will have hundreds of new friends helping them in the quest. And though when it comes to combat she may not be in Xena's league (who is), she is quite able to create diversions and thump would be muggers. All this adds up to an easy victory and a ticket home for the Warrior Princess. Conan will be spending the rest of his life stranded in NYC, making a living cleaning windshields.

So, newbie, are you ready to yield to your elder or do you wish to embarrass yourself further?

DAVE: Paul, like the ancient Greek heroes, you appear to be suffering from hubris, which can only lead to persecution by the Gods, torn up hair, blindness, and possibly a little Darth Vader action courtesy of James Earl Jones. Need I remind you that Xena's primary weapon is a frisbee? For someone who solves all her problems with violence this seems a little silly. Even the great movies Tron and Krull could not make the frisbee into anything more than a gimmick. Made of steel? It can still be caught and thus rendered inoperative by every dog in Central Park.

Speaking of lame gimmicks, do you think Xena's special effects have a chance against the SGI-rendered Spielbergian dinosaurs I expect to guard the Museum of Natural History? Not bloody likely - when the geniuses at Xena Inc.(TM) went shopping for computers they came back with Macs. The page layouts in Wired(TM) might be pretty scary, but it's too bad that when Xena and her New Jersey sized attitude stole Bruce Boxleitner's frisbee moves she didn't also grab some of his Amiga-generated Babylon 5 action as well.

Paul, is that about as much as you can handle? Too much? Well, I'll stop then. Now, I could take the low road and conclude with Gabrielle having to employ those vaunted 'interpersonal' skills for profit in Times Square, but I'll make that a passing cheap shot instead. Hasta la vista, Xena.

PAUL: Dave, you have just proven yourself more naive than the Native Americans who sold Manhattan for $24. I was planning to simply rest my case but the Muse has inspired me to help you get a clue. You may abuse the Mac but at least they use a computer. Last I checked, Conan's special effects are red food coloring and some guy in a bad gorilla suit. You also fail to mention that those "frisbee" heroes of yours left their more conventional enemies as dead as disco. I am sure the winning ways will continue. The only people who will be catching that chakram are Xena and the back of Conan's thick skull.

And since I'm on the subject of head injuries, I doubt the barbarian could be any dumber. You know how he ended up on that Tree of Woe(TM). He tried to gain access to Thulsa's stronghold by acting like a tourist and flashing around that snake symbol that any of the guards could easily identify as being stolen from one of their own temples. Is that stupid or what?! Sure, Conan will be able to defeat the T-Rex camped out in front of the museum. But the much more intelligent and resourceful Warrior Princess and her trusty sidekick will use the diversion to grab the ring and escape undetected and unscathed. By the time the destroyer has won another glorious victory, Conan will be stranded and looking like the latest sucker at 3-Card Montey.

I'd like to sum it up in song, if I may. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. It's up to you New York, New York!" Battle On, Xena!

Thanks to the many people that suggested this or a similar battle.
Also thanks to Eddie McHam, Willie McCauley and William Galen Gray for technical support.

Special thanks to Dave Christianson and Paul Golba for filling in as guest commentators.

The Results

Conan (1570)


Xena (1386)

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Voter Comments

Note: Due to the large number of responses we received, Paul and Dave had to call for the IRON FIST(TM), and when that didn't work, the SWORD OF STEEL(TM). We have unfortunately had to limit the number of responses published, and some very good submissions were left off the sheet.


There once was a warrior named Xena
A princess by trade: not a queen-a
She came to New York
And beat up some dork (Not Joe Weber, Conan)
Now he's forced to stay in Pasadena.

There once was a certain Destroyer
who needed a brand new employer
He was stranded in time,
and without a dime,
dutifully became a lawyer.

If Conan can be a librarian, than he can be a lawyer. The two combatants may be strong, but their names don't really lend themselves to limericks. And as long as we're using wordplay as a criteria, I voted for Xena because her name is worth 11 points in Scrabble, whereas Conan's is only worth 7.

- 1/2 Nelson


First, I think we need to establish what true Conan fans already know: he has ALREADY been in Manhattan!!!! While there, he "befriended" a lady cab driver(tm), and found his way around town. As for Conan being dumb, he is smart enough to command and defeat armies, become a King, etc. He has defeated giants, gods, sorcerers, cyclopses, etc. And although Conan has been known to do a little poon(tm) chasing, he has controlled himself during quests - he's turned down witches, sorceresses, young virgin queens, etc. This is how the scenario plays out:

Xena and Gabrielle wander around town, trying to find directions to the pick-up points. Gabrielle tries to ask people for directions, in that peaceful, monk-type way. Some New Yorkers, thinking she is another Hari Krishna, ignore her. Other New Yorkers think it's a street performance, and start tossing change at them. Then all of a sudden, someone in the crowd starts playing the Star Spangled Banner on their boom box!!!! Xena, who has an allergic reaction to that song, pops a boob out of her top!!!!! That draws the attention of Pimpbot 2000(tm)! He offers his help: "You...ho'!"

Meanwhile, Conan, already experienced in the ways of the city, will look up his old friend, lady cab driver(tm). She brings him modern day clothes, and they go around collecting the three objects. Of course, Conan dispatches the guardians while suffering only a few scratches.

Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle have to fight off Pimpbot 2000's(tm) advances. Then, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's Times Square Smut Enforcement Officers (MRGTSSEO Squad) (tm) will chase after Xena and Gabrielle to arrest them!!!! Of course, they get away, but the constant pursuit and battles keeps them from getting their objects.

Conan, meanwhile, gets the weapon and defeats the demons. However, not being one to pass up a chance on poon, Conan finds a way back to Manhattan, gets Xena and Gabrielle, then helps them save Hercules. Conan is the clear victor!

- Todd G

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Gotta go with Xena on this one. First of all we have the same name. Second my first boyfriend looked (and smelled) alot like Conan, and he was as stupid as a pile of bricks.


Xena swiftly reaches the American Museum of Natural History. She sneers at the obviously faked fossils of mythical "dinosaurs", and assumes they were too cheap to get a decent hydra or gryphon. The Ring of Wisdom does not elude her long, as it stands in a display case in the gift shop. Casualties: one store clerk who tries to prevent her from shoplifting gets a concussion for his trouble.

Conan arrives at the UN Building in the middle of the latest Earth Summit. Attendees see his scanty, primitive clothing and, under the impression he's one of the "indigenous peoples" delegates, escorts him into the General Assembly. There he spies the Scepter of Power, brilliantly disguised as a microphone on the rostrum, and gets it after a brief scuffle. Casualties: forty-seven dead, including some guy from Arkansas who was addressing the chamber at the time. (The remaining delegates soon vote to relocate the UN to Bosnia, where it's safer.)

The Ring in her possession, Xena heads south for Wall Street, passing through The New Times Square(tm) on her way. She spots the new Disney Theater, and what name is right there on the marquee? "Hercules"! It takes a while for her to learn she's been fooled -- and then she gets mad. Casualties: fourteen slaughtered messily. The kids loved it.

Conan is first to the New York Stock Exchange. Again he is escorted inside, this time by traders thinking he's doing a publicity stunt for an initial public offering for Planet Hollywood. He snatches the Diamond of Wealth from the ostentatious ring of a pit trader, not even bothering to kill the guy. Casualties: a 110-point drop in the Dow Jones. Analysts blame it on rising international tensions in the wake of the UN massacre.

He heads north, crossing paths with Xena in the middle of Greenwich Village. What do the inhabitants do, seeing this buff beefcake and these leather ladies? Suffice it to say, things get ugly. Xena must rescue Gabrielle from a bevy of biker babes, not noticing someone picking her pocket in the process. Casualties: in the hundreds, and the world of pretentious art never really recovers.

Neither does Xena, as Conan makes it to the Empire State Building with the pilfered ring and all his other loot. Xena is still blocks away when the top of the skyscraper erupts in flame, as Conan heads back to his Hyborean homeland.

Don't feel sorry for Xena and Gabrielle, though. They'll adjust fine. Remember, they spoke better Modern English two thousand years ago than most New Yorkers do today.

- Call me Shane

Athletic women are cool.

Attractive athletic women are really cool.

Attractive athletic women with swords are incredibly cool.

I voted for Xena.

- Big B

Well, Xena is a female in leather with a whip. Conan is a sweaty 'roid monkey. Fighting her would be the last thing on my mind. Xena by a longshot by enticing Conan to play "swords" with her. She'd use the real one and Conan would grunt something unintelligible and be run through. At least he'd go with a smile.

- Tony

Are you kidding? Xena has plenty of enemies around to occupy her time. Conan has no enemies, because they're all DEAD! The Arnold movies made Conan look like a dope, but try reading the books (or even the comic books). Conan has been to the twentieth century before. He ran in fear from police who shot at him but after he discovered that guns are just another form of crossbow he proceeded to rally the lunkheads at the local gym and take over the streets. In fact, Conan has a history of rallying all of the undesireables to his side. He's been a pirate chief, a king of thieves, and a general. NY has no shortage of undesireables for Conan to exploit. If he wasn't in NY he'd probably organize the militias!

You also can't overestimate the power of Conan to beat all defense systems and thieve with the best of them. He can climb walls where there are no cracks visible to the naked eye. He can creep silently across floors and leap over chasms (or alleys). He has beaten vicious deathtraps sparked by magic runes. He also has no problem with slitting the throats of the guards or innocent passersby he'll come across. (Are there any innocents in NYC?)

Xena will probably go to the local authorities and try to work out a solution. Conan will BE the local authority before too long. Xena dies.

- Crom

Of course, everybody would probably be arrested, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail (or Beastmaster 2), but putting aside this difficulty, I have the following analysis.

Everyone knows that in situations like this, the two heroes will first meet, then have a misunderstanding and start fighting each other. After a while, they will realize they should work together, and will then team up to accomplish their goals. Unfortunately, there's a slight problem here. I see the meeting going something like the following:

Xena sees Conan and realizes he must be after the artifacts as well. Being a sporting Warrior Princess, she will let out one of her annoying shrieks before moving to the attack with a patented jump-flip (TM). Conan will give her a puzzled look, and then chop her head off. So much for Xena. Gabrielle, being a natural born sidekick, will then team up with Conan, and there won't be any room for debate about the true nature of *their* relationship, if you catch my drift. Conan will then take his time collecting the treasure, and will leave Gabrielle stranded in NY when he travels back in time. Gabrielle will be left alone in the big city, waiting for Marc Singer to wander through the portals of time, at which point she can take out Kari Wuehrer and resume her role as sexually charged sidekick. Everyone's happy, except for Xena and the producers of her series, who are left with lame wannabe shows like Sinbad.

- Doug Turnbull

[This one gets my vote for best Beastmaster(TM) reference. Beastmaster rules! (Dave)]

The Cimmerian moved through Central Park like a panther. His volcanic blue eyes scanned the underbrush searching for his enemy. Suddenly there appeared before him a woman like few he had ever known: black-haired and blue-eyed like the women of his homeland, as savage as his own fierce heart, as breathtaking as his lost Belit. She smiled slowly.
"Do you find me beautiful?" she asked. 
"As dawn running naked on the snow," Conan growled.
"Great," replied the goddess before him. 
CLANG!! The chakram bounced off Conan's hormone-befuddled noggin. End of story.

- Robert E. Howard

I think what people here are forgetting is previous experience. Conan has been here before! Want proof? Go rent Hercules in New York. He has also shown that he can travel through time to this century and do his work. He had a near miss against Sarah Conner (a moving intelligent target that did not want to be found as opposed to a few inanimate objects), but made up for it when he beat the T-1000. Maybe Xena could have gotten some advice from Hercules, but she left him in a different era of time. Whoops! While Xena is out saving Gabrielle from angst-ridden relationships with Jerry Seinfeld and Woody Allen, Conan will be calmly clearing a bloody trail to each of his objectives with a broadsword in one hand and a tvelve-guage auto-loadah in the other.

- Mike (

Xena has no chance against Conan's breath!!

- Christian

First off, remember Red Sonja? She makes Xena look like the Swiss Miss girl, and Conan not only beat her in swordplay but also introduced her to another kind of 'stiff competition'. Also, there was the female pirate captain who Conan not only defeated, but nailed her as well and then took her ship (which she offered to him...what a stud!). The list goes on and on. Any female is eventually Conan's wench, regardless of their skill with the blade. Conan not only wins, but he gets Xena and her sidekick to watch his back while he does it. Xena and her friend get into a fight over Conan, and he laughingly does them both before diving back into the portal. (If, in some alternate reality Xena would actually win...Conan was a master thief, so he would bed her, and then steal away into the darkness with the goods.)

Also, bear in mind that while Xena may have taken on Hercules a few times (without winning)....Conan has battled Thor, Captain America, and several other Marvel supertypes whose names elude me, and come out on top. (At the end of the Thor team-up, he even climbs Crom's mountain to have it out with the big mountain-man himself, albeit armed with Thor's hammer which only dieties are supposed to be able to wield.)

Conan **always** gets the win, the girl, and the treasure,...which he then usually wines and wenches away in short order. Xena is in way over her head with this one. Conan is the winner by a full yard of cold, Hyrkanian steel!

- THE Conan authority....Doc B

So "all primitive time travellers in the twentieth century will be able to speak English," huh? They'll be the only ones in New York City who can - the Noo Yawk natives will confuse Xena and Conan with their pidgin dialect and their odd repeated assertions that "da Knicks wuz robbed." In a rage, Xena and Conan will hack these semi-human irritants to death until both are completely exhausted and pass out. Gabrielle will finally get coherent directions from a tourist and retrieve all three parts herself.

- Spank me, Mr. Pickett!

Given, as warriors they're both strong, well trained, diciplined, blah blah, blah. BUT, there's more to this contest than combat. These warriors must first perform a feat of true mental dexterity. They must figure out the New York Transit System. And on that note, think about this...


GIRL: There's six against one Conan! CONAN: (pauses) One...two...three...four...five...six. I believe you're right.
GIRL: I suppose nothing hurts you Conan. CONAN: Only pain.

Face it, this guy couldn't find his head with both hands. Hopefully, he'll be able to set up a nice gym and make a living in Brooklyn as a fitness instructor after Xena (who's figured out a number of obscure maps in her day) has claimed the artifacts and zipped home to Merry Olde Greece, or wherever it is she's supposed to live.

- Mea

What can you say - Conan the Barbarian will easily kick ass.

1. Conan the first and best barbarian. How many books and movies has he had made about him? Xena and a cheap television series. Come on.

2. Xena is female. The only useful females from the barbarian era are the virgins that get sacrificied or the ones that have to be rescued or avenged. Get two of them together and they couldn't organise a root in a brothol (outfits clashing, PMT/moody, sitting down to talk about their relationship and how they can work things out). Conan just gets on with it.

3. Conan has visited America before in previous lives (or is that later lives). Terminator I & II, Kindergarten Cop, Last Action Hero, Commando, to name a few...

4. Picture this. A mugger sees Conan and Xena walking down the street. Who will he/she pick on. Only an ABSOLUTE IDIOT would pick a fight with Mr Universe himself.

"Give me your wallet, I have a knife"
Hack, slash, cut, bite scratch, wedgie, hack, slash
"I have sword - I win"
Muggers run away from guys with Bowie knifes (Crocodile Dundee). What are they going to do when they see the two handed sword. Xena will be so held up with guys trying to pick her up or mug her, it will take days to get anywhere.

5. No matter what happens - "I'll Be Back"

- Eddo

This one's logic. First, in any male/female competition, especially those among barbarians, the competitors, here Conan and Xena, will always experience a sexual encounter, hereafter referred to as doinking. No patterns have been established from the doinkings of Xena, so we'll have to concentrate on Conan. It has been proven that all of Conan's doinkees, here Xena, have tried to kill him after the doinking. So, after the doink, Xena will try to kill Conan. It has also been proven that, while Xena doesn't always succeed in eliminating her target, i.e. Callisto, Conan always overpowers the would-be murderess. So, Conan stuffs Xena into a crate and finishes the race unhindered. It all boils down to field records, logic, and doinking deduction.


This is obviously a win for Conan! He knows the city, he has connections, he's all over this one... wait..
Oh, sorry, it's not Conan O'Brien, it's Conan the Barbarian. Xena's much better at wacky escapades like scavenger hunts, so she wins. Sorry about the confusion.

- Denis Moskowitz

Xena, sadly, cannot avoid her fate, and she ends up being caught and killed by Conan in a seedier area of New York City, where he he makes such an impression on the local populace that he is immediately elected Mayor. Later, he decides that the job is below him, and so he moves up in the world and becomes a respected pimp, a wise career move considering his experience with beating up little girls like Xena.

Finally, Gabrielle winds up in Central Park, where she comes upon some hippies who offer her some "good stuff." She soon is living with a man who uses the expression "totally spiritual" so much that he is arrested for being a bad stereotype and put in the same overcrowded prison that houses murderers. When he is released, he has become a right-wing gun nut, and she is on the talk show circuit talking about how Xena abused her.

America -- Ain't it great?

- Joshua Galun

      It must be known that Xena is smarter than Conan. This much is obvious. Stronger? No, most certainly not. Possesses more skill? Perhaps.

      I predict a win on Xena's behalf, though. I predict that she'll merely wait at the exit point of this contest, perhaps having Gabrielle drop off subtle hints for Conan, leading him like a dog to fetch the objects. Then, once Conan, with the assembled machine, tries to exit...FZZZZZZZZTT *fffcckt!* *thop* A certain chakram connects with a certain head. Game over man.

      Moral of the story: Whenever possible, make others do your work for you.


Forget for a moment that Conan is actually written by a real author instead of some TV writing hack, and there is still the fact that Conan is also ARNOLD!

Getting caught on a giant nail in Eraser didn't stop him, switching universes in Last Action Hero didn't matter, ditto for suffering decompression on Mars, or a small nuclear self-destruct mechanism on a Predator. I'd like to see Xena try even one of these!! Heck she can't even stay on a horse for a Tonight Show sketch, let alone command 8 figure salaries after making several mega-duds in a row.

Conan wins easy.

- The Mad Statistician

Short & sweet: If I ran across anyone that looks like Conan or Xena in New York, I'd give them anything they asked for. However, I would actively search for anything Xena needed. Sorry, Ahnold, she's got better legs.

- Web Pilgrim

This one looks to be a tough call at the moment, so let's break down their individual strengths:

Strength: Conan bench-presses Buicks, Xena couldn't bench-press a small dog. This may not seem important, but they have to carry this laser to the top of the Empire State Building, and we all know that the elevators will be out of order. Advantage: Conan.

Moral Fiber: Conan is all about greed. Xena is a do-gooder. Advantage: Xena.

Historical Prescedant: The Greeks (Xena) were conquered by the Romans, stupid frisbees or not. The Romans were conquered by the Barbarians. Advantage: Conan.

Experience: Conan was pursued by wolves and learned to live in a wasteland (not quite as dangerous as New York). Xena lives in a pleasant and politically correct revisionist Greece. Advantage: Conan.

THE RAGE(TM): Conan saw his parents and love-interest murdered. Xena has had a bad hair-day. Advantage: Conan.

Role Models: Conan's role models are people who loot, pillage, and rape for a hobby. Xena's, and all of Greece's for that matter, is Lord Byron, a sphylitic pedaphile. Advantage: Conan.

Adaptability: Ever see Last Action Hero(TM)? In the Hamlet sequence, one moment Conan is fighting with his sword, and the next he's effortlessly slaughtering guards with a submachine gun. Xena has a frisbee. Advantage: Conan.

Sidekicks: Conan doesn't have a sidekick. They distract the hero. Xena's Sidekick will get into trouble around Times Square. Advantage: Conan.

Philosophy: What is best in life? Conan: To crush your enemies. To see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. Xena: To wright wrongs. Advantage: Conan (who can disagree with that?)

Track Record: Conan killed James Earl Jones, the voice of FREAKIN' DARTH VADER!!!! Xena kills people in rubber suits. Advantage: Conan (though Vader would whup his ass in a rematch.)

Conan: 9 Xena: 1

Conan heads out into the city, using his ruthless powers of intimidation and survival to find the objects of his quest. Using brute force and barbarian cunning, he subdues his foes, and heads towards the Empire State Building, where he finds Xena waiting for him. Conan sneers, and proceeds to cut her to shreds. Probably not her sidekick, because Conan likes blonds, and probably feels in need for a little princess. Amen.

- The Right Reverend Billy Bob Joeseph

Arnold doesn't like to lose - he's only lost in one movie (Batman & Robin), and STILL got an incredible contract deal from that flick. Arnold will NOT make the film unless he gets to win, and gets Lucy Lawless' wardrobe to display at planet Hollywood.

This is Hollywood, man, and Arnie will not be denied!

- The Bunyip

The first thing to consider when matching these two together is the location. I mean, a man in a fur jock strap and a woman who look like a cross between a cheerleader and a dominatrix would fit fine into the Village or Soho. But if they strut their wares in Times Square, they would get picked up by NYPD Blue (TM) faster than you can say "Solicitation and Public Indecency." It is also a good thing it's summer, because these two have an aversion to clothes that's worse than the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and if you've ever fallen into a snow bank naked, (no, don't ask.) you know it sucks.

Locale aside, you have the man, the steriod pumping, no neck, monolithical, Mensa candidate, that after 20 or so years in Hollywood, still has an accent that is so bad, it sounds like a peach imspediment. Then you have the woman, who can't sing the national anthem without showing her nipples to a national audience. Who has the number one syndicated shows in Germany. (Shows the intelligence of the Germans. More proof? Two words, David Hasselhoff.) And who probably has several dozen newsgroups like (I have no idea if this site exists, I swear to God.) that are devoted entirely to people obsessing with her. Conan has Fans, Xena has Fanatics.

But, Conan has what I think is the clinching factor. He attends the Braveheart School of Acting. He's out there ripping out horns, chopping off limbs, sticking spears through people, and bathing in their blood, while Xena is spinning around throwing kicks, punches, and her metal Aerobie.(TM) More blood, My vote. Conan wins.

- Jeff the Barbie-ian

Conan will win the contest for one reason: FANBOYS! And maybe some fangirls too. Xena and Gabrielle land in New York. A couple of New Yorkers might think the leather clad Xena is employed in a profession that was old when Conan was young. Xena will lay out a couple of men when she will be noticed by a fanboy, will rush up to her and try to pick her up, nerd style. One fanboy alerts others and soon Xena is being mobbed by hundreds or even thousands of fanboys shouting, "Love me Xena!" and "Smite me Warrior Princess!" By the time Xena clears a path by KOing the fanboys, even Conan the Barbarian will have found the items and returned home. Xena will never get there in time.

- Kosh the Zima Drinking Vorlon

If Conan and Xena were street cars, Conan would be a '71 Hemi 'Cuda (426 Hemi)--pure muscle and brute force. Xena, on the other hand, is more refined, smaller, prettier, and a bit more modern. She'd be a '97 Mustang GT (281 SOHC).

In a drag race between a '71 Hemi 'Cuda and a '97 Mustang GT, the 'Cuda would be at the end of the 1/4-mile before the Mustang driver could get the clutch fully engaged.

This is no contest. Conan all the way. However, if we gave Xena a little nitrous oxide...

- Super Dave

Xena has an easy win since, Arnold will be to busy plugging his Planet hollywood restaurants.

- balckadder

Conan will win - he has bigger breasts

- Flarg the Invincible

Xena? Ha! Anyone who thinks Xena will win forgets one important thing. Her best weapon is her battle cry, which sounds more like a yipping chihuahua, than a battle cry. But this is New York. No one will be able to hear her yipping and she'll lose.

End of Story.

- ** Heller

This one is so simple...

Naturally, ego-driven Conan/Ahhh-nuld proceeds to show off his biceps, triceps, pecks, etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally) and make passes at the two females. Xena saunters over, checks Conan out, teases Conan with a few kisses, hugs, sweet-nothings...

WHACKWHACK -- gaaaak! 
"OH, I'm SO sorry...I've just cut off the supply of blood to your brain 
(lack of a brain notwithstanding, but you get my point)'ll be dead 
in seconds unless I free you...SEE YA! 
Off she trots...along with the annoying (although I will admit drop-dead gorgeous) blonde sidekick to tour NYC, off the so-called guardians (probably a NYC cab driverr, a mugger, a drug dealer, an international terrorist already on a death wish, or Howard Stern), retrieve the weapon, and return to Greece for another exciting battle with Callisto (nuts to Hercules...let him go).

Xena before the Prologue is even half-finished.

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

This is an interesting match, made more so by the fact that our two contestants are not actually fighting one another. Since the match is in New York City, then the key factor is obviously going to be transport, more specifically: cab drivers. Fighting off Dinosaurs at the museaum and rabid stockbrokers on Wall Street will be nothing compared to the Ultimate Challenge(TM) of getting down Broadway at rush hour in a yellow cab.

One might think that Xena would hold the advantage here; with her sidekick's awesome interpersonal skills, surely they should be able to convince even the surliest non-english speaking cabbie to take them to these various NYC destinations. But what Xena doesn't know is that *every* NYC cab driver's life is a whirlpool of troubles and problems. After Nabil gets through telling her about how he had to leave his family in Afghanistan and how bad his apartment is and how sad he is, they will be busy trying to solve all of his insoluble dilemmas.

Meanwhile Conan will merely brandish his sword and grunt. This will get a definite response: cabbies respect force and strength. Conan will be laughing all the way back to Hyperboria while Xena is entagled in class action suits against the INS.

- Paco Picopiedra

The Nielson Rating

Much to my dismay, I must sadly cast my vote for Xena,My reasoning is as follows: We have borne sad witness to Conan's descent from a Crom loving, head chopping, gem stealing ass kicker to girly woman fighter.

If we are to take the films that Conan has appeared in as the most recent events in his continuity, we see that from Conan II, where he had much too tough a time defeating a lame sorcereress and her poorly constructed animatronic minion, followed then by what can only be called a pathetic encounter with Red Sonja, we see a hero who is headed for the chump pile. In Red Sonja, we see the reason why he is destined to lose- Facing off against a woman whose swordfighting skills are superceded in suckiness only to her acting ability, Conan had a terribly tough time fighting her. Brigitte Nielson (who, by the way, could not even fend off attacks from chump hubby Mark Gastineau) was able to keep Conan at bay for and even make him sweat. Not to mention that with the appearance in Red Sonja, we see that Conan had taken to dressing like a sissy.

Now, its not as if I'm saying Xena is the end all and be all of girl-fighters, but she could surely put the proverbial smack down on Sonja. Much like Mike Tyson, Conan is sadly past his viscious prime, and Xena, like Buster Doufglas, could easily take him, provided that he is as we last left him- a fop in a vest who couldn't spank Sly Stallone's old flame.

- Josh "Tells em like he sees 'em" D.

As a native New Yorker with lots of experience at all three of the organizations mentioned, I have to come down on Conan's side. For he sake of argument, Ill assume that Xena/Gabrielle and Conan are equally matched in terms of killing power and locating objects, but heres why Conan has a better chance of winning:

The Museum of Natural History - this is an incredibly stuffy academic institution, staffed to the brim with candy-assed, dimple-buttocked crunchy intellectuals. Even the security guards are all volunteers, mostly senior citizens - none of Museum personnel are any challenge for either team. Aside from encountering the Guardian of the "Ring of Power," the one genuine menace are the screaming hordes of children on field trips, accompanied by plump teachers with glazed eyes and an earnest-but-doomed (tm) desire to fulfill under-privileged young minds. Ive noticed that these precious children have all sorts of charming habits: taunting handicapped visitors as they pass, screaming obscenities at elderly people, and (my favorite) kicking baby strollers when parents arent looking. With any luck, both Conan and Xen-brielle will leave those marble halls thick with cerebro-spinal fluid and the inarticulate groans of the dying. Both teams have equal odds of success here.

The Stock Exchange is where the odds are heavily in Conans favor. Who works in the pit? Hundreds of white Frat boys with eight testicles, surging with machismo, sports-fan camaraderie, and hearty aggression towards anything remotely different from them. These guys will immediately respect Conan as a fellow jock, and will not only help him defeat the dangerous Guardian but will buy him a beer and make sure he gets a farewell hummer from the coke-addict (tm) secretary down in precious metals. After Xena enters in all her bisexual glory, it will be about 1.5 seconds before some guy slaps her ass and all hell breaks loose. Im sure Xena and Gabrielle will triumph, but itll take a lot out of them - those suburban buzz-cut Stock Exchange boys used to play lacrosse/football, so they wont be total pushovers like the punks at the museum. Xena will be hacking her way through power-suspenders all afternoon, while Conan saunters away with the prize with a smile on his face.

The UN is the least difficult challenge of all. Both teams look so weird the cops wont even go near them, assuming they are just eccentric diplomats or costumed performer at another "Please dont point out that were ineffective" UN cultural event (usually involving singing children in festive native garb). Odds are the UN wont even be in session, and that most of the diplomats will be out driving drunk or shoplifting trinkets from Bloomingdales. Conan snags the "Scepter of Power" and maintains his lead.

Xenas big chance to catch up occurs at the Empire State Building, as Conan is probably too dumb to operate the elevators properly at first. Furthermore, expecting Conan to assemble anything is pretty unlikely prospect. If it werent for all the German tourists who perpetually visit the Empire State Building, Conan would still be fumbling around with all three items when Xena arrived. However, sensing his mysteriously Teutonic nature, German tourists will quickly assemble the device and send Conan back to his flea-bitten past just before Xena arrives on the scene. Xena will probably be pretty pissed and kill all of them, as the "German Tourist Meeting Violent Death In USA" law of physics will combine with her own fury, dooming them.

Xena and Gabrielle may shed a few tears, but before long will be happily adjusted to their new life in a world of dental care and processed cheese. My guess is they will join ACT UP, put on about 75 pounds each, and settle down to a long, happy life together.

- W. F.

Xena has no, i reapeat for emphasis, NO! chance here. As we have seen in many other matches in the past(which you may look up at your own time), it is not merely Xena vs. Conan, but it is a far more involved match, best stated perhaps as The experiences of the Chick Who Plays Xena Vs. The the Experience of Arnie. Arnie has TONS of experience not only as Conan, but also as the Terminator, as the genius from Twins, as a commando, as a Ruskie cop, as a super villian against Batman, as a pregnant man, as a spy, as a prisoner, and as an interplanetary spy as well. Xena has experience as, well, as Xena. Conan in 7.34 milliseconds.

- Bucko

Man...I feel so bad about this...Conan would have won, except for the one piece located in the United Nations. Conan, with his bachelor's degree in Barbarian, would not understand the myriad of languages spoken at the U.N., and would (unfortunately) mistake all of the diplomats for witches and wizards, and kill them all.

This in itself is not such a bad thing.

The bad thing is that with so many of their precious diplomats dead, the embassies now have a perennial guilt trip to lay on the city of New York. In concession to the U.N., Rudy Giuliani is forced to back off on his crusade over unpaid parking tickets...Manhatten is plunged into gridlock as horny diplomats park with immunity all over Times Square.

Conan is a beat-down, kick-ass, greased lighting, can of whoop-ass barbarian...but no way he can take 11 million irate New Yorkers.

Arnold meets his demise squished under a pretzel cart.


- Brian Kutner

One very important factor seems to have been overlooked. I've done some research and found that The Beastmaster(TM) is, at the time of this match, vacationing in his old hangout of Manhattan (last seen in Beastmaster II). Xena, with her feminine charms, will be able to outwit the brain-dead Beastmaster into joining her side faster than you can say "Ellen Degeneres". With his army of animal followers, all of which are smarter than Conan himself, this new team will easily defeat the barbarian. Kodo and Podo will deal the killing blows to Conan while he tries to defeat the army of snakes in the New York Stock Exchange.

- Kelly Doyle

Obviously, it has to be Conan. The statistics proove that people born in bad enviorments have more motivation for success. (Rocky, for example) Also, Conan's macho barbarism is a clear advantage over the soft, inbred greeks who ate grapes and made naked statues all day. While Xena and Gabriel are exploring their relationship and thinking deep thoughts (lather, rinse, repeat), Conan will be happily jaunting all over town, collecting the prizes, killing the fearsome guardians (fat security guards armed with whiffle bats) and sleeping with eight local prostitutes at a time.

On a happier note, Xena and Gabriele grow accustomed to their banishment and move to San Fransisco, and join the Women's Golf Tour.

- Josh the Barbarian

Both of your arguments are intrueging, but you both forgot the biggest issue of all: the Babe Factor(TM)!! Xena is a Mondo Babe (TM), so cool that she even appeals to females. Conan is a muscle-head freak who only appeals to narcissistic body-builder scary-type chics. My guess is that Xena uses her Feminine Powers(TM) to distract Conan, and while he's drooling, Gabrielle manages (with no help whatsoever from Jaxer) to get the three pieces. Xena races to the Empire State Building. Conan gives chase, but is useless in running because he is pure bulk and no stamina. Callisto is so much charcoal in less than half an hour. The Power, The Beauty, The Passion, it's Xena all the way.

- Dana

While I voted for Conan, I must admit that he has little chance of winning.

Xena has the edge only because the show allows it's characters to have Star-Trek-like(TM) values. Xena and company can adapt and handle nearly every situation that comes up (no matter how amazing) with aplomb, sensitivity, understading, cultural awareness and good hygine.

Conan comes from the Old School. Back in the day, barbarian wasn't just a word they used when you wore a lot of leather. You had to rape, pillage, burn and generally be a Not-Nice-Person(TM). Although Conan doesn't epitomize the original spirit of this Barbarian Ethic(TM) (as layed down by the likes of Atilla the Hun); he leaves the politically correct Xena looking as barbaric as Hello Kitty(TM).

This is why Conan will end up being detained by the police when he tries to rampage through some modern-day obstacle that he can't explain in terms beyond the superstitious. Meanwhile Xena will go about finding each item while spending little time mucking about with the backdrop of 20th century Manhattan.

- phorce phed

The key here has to be transportation. Neither side has any money to speak of. While Xena and Gabrielle can use those "interpersonal skills," as you guys so accurately put it, to at least get a few cab rides or something, Conan will be left in the gutter doing the only thing he knows how: saying witty catch phrases like "you're luggage" and "hasta la vista, baby" and "you're fired" (Eraser, T2, True Lies) and all the other ones that I forgot, but this does him no good, since we have not reached the critical point in the story yet.

Meanwhile, Xena finds her way to the U.N., which is guarded by the Ayatollah of Iran. A "powerful guardian" in one sense, but not too skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Xena turns him into shish kebab. Xena 1, Conan 0.

Conan invokes Ah-nuld Rule (TM) #1: Arnold always has a gun, even if he lost his gun a few scenes ago. He forces a cabbie to take him to the Stock Exchange. There he finds his evil opponent: the head of the IRS. This horrible creature seems to spell Conan's demise, as no earthly weapon can harm him. However, Conan distracts him by throwing a nickel into a nearby pond, and as the evil IRS man, overtaken by his greed, dives in after it, Conan walks inside unharmed.

Seeing no other way to navigate the dreaded Pit of the Stock Exchange, Conan invokes Ah-nuld Rules (TM) 2 and 3:

2. Ah-nuld never runs out of bullets.

3. Ah-nuld never gets remotely harmed by any enemy if the enemy is in a group of number greater than 1.

Conan shoots up the place, sparing not a single soul. Conan 1, Xena 1.

The two parties arrive at the Natural Museum of History at the same time. However, neither Conan nor Xena has faced an opponent nearly as strong, neaerly as terrible, as the one that awaits them now: a Jurassic Park Velociraptor (TM), or, more importantly, a Monster Composed of Fairly Realistic Special Effects (TM). As our commentators pointed out indirectly, neither Xena nor Conan has seen this before, so they decide to team up and defeat it together. Xena and Gabrielle kill it, but they can only do it after Conan says, "You're extinct," a witty catch phrase that now works since we have reached the climax of the story. The phrase renders the dinosaur vulnerable to even the most puny weapon, which that frisbee is, by the way. Xena and Gabrielle, since they did the dirty work, take the treasure, so they lead, 2 to 1.

Their scavenger hunt is over, and Conan and his two new friends are now famous throughout New York (news travels fast). They decide to go take in a Yankees game, where Xena is asked to sing the national anthem. Xena subsequently gets arrested for indecent exposure (I don't have to give every detail, do I?), Conan takes Xena's two treasures, and he becomes our Scavenger Hunt Champion (TM).

- taylor

The essence of this contest is speed. Whoever gets the pieces first wins. Now Xena is a hip show with modern references, double entendres and character driven plots. In short, a lot of dialogue slowing down the action. Conan is a barbarian. And as his creator Robert E. Howard said, the great thing about a barbarian is you never have to think of something clever for them to do- they just charge in with their swords. Speed advantage, and therefore the contest, to Conan.

- Locke

I think Dave's "moon and New York City" comment only works against him. As Manhatten is home to Howard Stern, the gay pride parade, and The New York Post, there is no better setting for two time-travelling barbarian lesbian chicks. If he speaks English, Conan wouldn't even make a good New York cab driver.

- Michael Leung,

I've always been a big Conan fan, and I certainly thought that Ahnuld was great for the role. I was particularly pleased at the way the role stretched his English skills and made him grow as an actor. But, lets face it chickies, Conan is in trouble. He just doesn't have the skills for New York. Why, he didn't even bring a personal assistant! While Conan is getting drunk with and stabbed by teenagers at the lake in Central Park, Gabrielle will be booking Xena into Chantarelle and Aureole.

Xena will meet All The Right People (tm) and it's downhill from there. Her new trader friend ("he's some kind of merchant, isn't he?") will wisk her down to the NYSE in his limo. The metal detectors will pose no problems for her rubber sword. She'll have the diamond and be off before the real bloodbath begins at the 9:30 open. [By the way, there is no pit at the NYSE. Pits are for keeping commodities traders from escaping and injuring the public. Securities traders are ALLOWED to injure the public.]

Xena's new diplomatic friends will eager to help. She's already demonstrated that she has no interest in ruling. Diplomats LOVE military people who don't stage coups. A quick resolution in the U.N. general assembly and Xena will have the Scepter. Of course, quick IS a relative term. Xena WILL have to endure 8 hours of content-free debate to get the scepter. No matter, Xena's next appointment isn't until 8:00 pm.

Her new socialite friends will get her an invite for a benefit held at the American Museum of Natural History. The dinosaurs guarding the treasure might have been a problem, but Xena has an ace up her sleeve (well ... it's hidden somewhere). Any one who knows anything about New York society knows that more than a few of Xena's new socialite friends have to be dinosaurs themselves. The dinosaurs cancel out, and Xena can grab the ring and move on.

This is the tough part. All of Xena's new firends will abandon her when they hear she's going to the Empire State building. "It's so declasse, dear." Even the aliens had it identified as the starting point for an extensive urban renewal project. Fortunately, the base jumpers will ignore Xena, and the odd gun crazed immigrant can be easily dispatched with her bronze Aerobie [TM] (it is NOT a frisbee!).

Xena will easily assemble the Laserblast of the Ancients (which actually just calls a Limousine service to JFK). Xena and Gabrielle will be sipping champagne in their first class seats back to ancient Greece while Conan pages through volumes of mug books filled with pictures of dissolute, wealthy New York youths.

- R'lyeh

The obvious victor will be Xena, she has but to bear her breasts as she did while singing the Star Spangeled Banner for the beginning of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Conan will be so overcome with lust for Xena that Gabrielle will be able to come up some simple yet effective plan to render Conan about as dangerous as an overcooked squash.

- Whoever, whenever, whatever.

This one is tough for us male pigs.

surely a woman couldn't beat a man, but then look at those boobs.

penis 10
brain  0
one vote for the warrior princess.

- David

OK..This worthy(?) match-up will proceed as follows:

Xena, with her sidekick, will enter the dreaded 'Pit' of the New York Stock Exchange. Even being guarded as it is, Xena has no trouble snatching the Diamond of Wealth thanks to her annoying sidekick, who bored the guard to death with meaningless chatter about the weather.

Conan, on the other hand barely makes it into the United Nations and out again alive with the Scepter of Power. As a result of power being intoxicating, Conan is dead drunk by the time he reaches the American Museum of Natural History. Xena arrives at the same time as Conan, and (since everyone knows that with wealth comes power) is also dead drunk. The guardian of the Ring of Wisdom, on seeing them drunk on power laughs until he chokes on his own spit and dies on the spot.

Now, because both contestants are drunk, and drunk people do stuff they might never do sober(just ask a friend of mine), they begin to engage in some behavior that might have made an illegitimate child had they not been so drunk. Gabrielle, who is rather shocked(not to mention enlightened) at this behavior, choses leave both contestants in New York, where the sort of behavior they are engaging in is common, if not actually encouraged. She takes all three items and leaves Xena and Conan together, where, after regaining their senses, they realize what they've been doing and kill themselves.

- Vicman

Welllll, from the commentary and what I know about both these leather&metal clad warriors (A fair amount), they seem not only fairly evenly matched, it looks like one on one is going to be a deadlock. They're both going to arrive at each site at the same time, they're going to try to fight, they're going to get pulled apart by the unknown force. So, you have to go to secondary considerations:


Xena: Xena only has some rather shitty television writers backing her up, so although she can pull out the stupid plot devices, she can't count on anyone else famous to back her up.

Conan: Conan, however, has some really impressive writers writing about him: his original writer, a whole pile of aspiring SF/F writers in pulp magazines, etc. Of these aspiring SF/F writers who wrote Conan books (7!) was one who was already marginally respected in some other writing fields, James Oliver Rigney, Jr., better known as ROBERT JORDAN, who later wrote what is possibly the longest (and best) fantasy series in history.

The way that I see it: Xena is involved in rather stupid plot twists, which her writers hope to resolve tidily in an hour, including commercials, but they can't, due to the interference of Conan. Conan, however, used to being the protagonist of something written by RJ, has learned the virtue of PATIENCE, and is able to wait until Xena collapses after her 1hour time limit of being a warrior princess. He grabs all the stuff, he goes home, he survives.

Conan, in three hours.


I am rarely swayed by the persuasion attempts of the commentators, and after seeing the picture of Conan next to Xena and her sidekick, I said to myself, "Conan's going to rip this woman's head off." We're talking Arnold Schwartzenegger here. Xena looks like a street waif, or worse, a Calvin Klein model.

But some things Paul said convinced me to vote for Xena:

1 -- Although it's true that stainless steel frisbees are generally gimmicks, they're often effective gimmicks. For example, James Bond was able to use one bad guy's stainless steel frisbee-hat as a quick- means-of-escape(tm) in the film classic "Dr. No." Xena's weapon will probably be sufficient for this Grudge Match(tm) but not for any sequels.

2 -- The intelligence factor. I still remember "Commando" as being the most insipid movie I've ever seen. I lost brain cells just by watching it. Actually acting in it must have rendered Schwartzenegger into an eggplant. Xena, on the other hand, must survive on her brains -- she definitely doesn't have the brawn. Although she looks like she could beat up a museum curator, she definitly will have to use strategy to avoid getting stampeded in the NYSE Pit.

3. Xena has the advantage of a sidekick. Everyone knows it's the sidekicks who come up with all the good ideas if the hero gets stumped. When Conan gets frustrated, he'll only be able to get angry and vent his frustration by hacking Wall Street Executives to pieces. After taking out a SWAT team or two, Conan will be overpowered by the National Guard while Xena and Gabrielle skip to victory.

- Sean Ransom

One thing both of you overlooked is corny dialogue. Admittedly Xena has the benefit of one episode per week of corny dialogue that is about as absorbing as a wet sponge but how can this compete with "Arnie", the king of bad puns. Who could ever forget t he classic 'I let him go' from Commando or 'Stick around' from Predator. After thirty seconds of this witty repartee Xena and Gabrielle will be rolling in agony and the only use her frisbee will be is to provide Conan with a quick 'You Disc-gust me' (hea vily accented of course). Conan home in under an hour...

- Drifter

I would normally be kind to guest commentators, but you guys blew it. After the initial confrontation ends in a draw (it always does), Xena will later find a man who looks just like Conan, but calls himself Hercules! (If you don't know what I'm talking ab out, check Arnold Schwarzenegger's filmography). Xena is momentarily confused, but then she remembers that the Hercules from her time has recently started calling himself "Kull the Conqueror," so she lets it slide. She immediately falls for the bulkier, manlier Hercules of this time, and runs off with him while the scrawny wimp from her time perishes. Conan, who has proabably not looked in a mirror since his second movie, doesn't care about this doppleganger and makes off with the goods.

Sorbo dies, Xena gets married, and the Action Pack spinoffs are taken off the air (and there was much rejoicing).

- Phil

I think this match will be decided by guest-stars alone.

It's been so long since I've seen a Conan movie. Even then it was the second one, I think. So unless this Conan isn't limited to the movies, Xena's the clear victor.

But let's touch on the guest star factor[TM], shall we?
She's had historical figures the likes of King David[TM], his arch-nemesis Goliath of Gath[TM], and even Julias Ceasar[TM]!

And lastly, didn't you know Xena already fought and won this battle several years ago?!

Yep, she got the rocks and left, while Conan was traped in NY, adopted the surname "O'Brian", and got a kickin' late night talk show.

- MonkeyDog!

Conan has got Xena beat like a sumo wrestler fighting a 92 lbs. weakling. Conan has been around longer, & has more propoganda...including several Conan cartoons. What does Xena have? Some dolls which tell little kids to "take off her clothes." Simply put, Conan is Da Bomb...


Dave, Dave, Dave I don't even know where to begin on how wrong you are. First of all, how can you mock the mighty chakra, have you ever actually seen it in action? It brings down giants, singlehandidly defeats armies, and is the only weapon that can free Ares from the Eye of Hephestus. With the chakra, even Gabrielle could defeat Conan.

Still, for the sake of arguement, we'll assume Xena is looking for a workout today, and decides to take out Conan with her superb swordsmanship and martial arts ability, instead of just lobbing the chakra at the Empire State Building and waiting for it to split Conan's skull open. The simple fact is Conan will fall in love with Xena, just as every man (and apparently quite a few women) that meets her does. This will weaken and distract Conan cutting away his resolve, and it will just annoy Xena making her fight even harder. As for your claim that Xena can be distracted, not a chance my friend. Xena use to command dark armies that pillaged most of Asia Minor, and that side of her still lurks beneath her new benevolent exterior. She can be utterly ruthless if she has to, and tends to be absolutely merciless when committed to something. And remember what Xena is fighting for, a weapon to defeat Callisto. As a mega Callisto fan, I know one thing, whenever she is going up against Callisto, Xena fights ten times as harder, is ten times smarter, and a hundred times more dedicated. Xena always finds a way to defeat Callisto, no matter what the odds (to my continued frustration), and this match is just a warmup to the real battle that is to come with our beloved Goddess of Battle. Hail Callisto!!!

And then there is that irritating blonde (even if it looks to me like she has redhair). Although at times she can be a little annoying, Gabrielle is also pretty damn resourceful. Most likely Xena will have Gabby go and find the various parts of the weapon (something Gabrielle will be good at), while she hunts down Conan and frees us from yet another insipid barbarian (something she is good at). With the ability to split up and both do what they are best at, there is no way Xena and Gabrielle can lose.

- Brendan W. Guy

It is only reasonable to expect that our heroes will at first split the artifacts between them. While dinosaur slaying at the Museum of Natural History is clearly up Conan’s alley, defeating Ivan Boesky (no doubt played by Robert Trebor) at the pit and Butrous-Butrous Galli at the UN is clearly something that requires Xena’s style.

So in the end it will be a direct conflict of some sort between Conan and Xena. Yet we know that they can’t battle it out with swords nor frisbees. What does this leave? Lust! Our hosts have discussed Conan’s passion, but have neglected Xena’s. We, if lucky, will have one great love in our lives. But Xena? We’ve lost count. Let’s see, there’s Marcus, there’s Alexander the Great, there’s her old lieutenant that fathered her son. I won’t get into the Gabrielle thing here. 8) Lord knows how many there are. It seems that Xena can’t help resist falling madly in love with any guy with a sword and good intentions (except, for now, Joxter).

So where does this leave us? Well, while Conan at best leaves a variety of diseases behind him, Xena makes her lovers into better people. So in the end while she seduces tall dark and barbaric she’ll be slipping the last piece to Gabrielle. The only question is whether Xena will poignantly stay behind, or poignantly leave Conan behind to join the leather crowd.

- Lemming

This one's really close, but the advantage goes to Conan.

Why??? The answer is in the method of transportation. Xena will be able to hail a cab faster than Conan because of her eye-catching outfit. Conan, on the other hand, will have a slightly harder time due to his atire, eventhough you don't need pants to hail a cab in NYC (this is true!!!). Once in the cab, Xena will say "to the Museum of Natural History," and the cabbie, sensing that he is driving out-of-towners, will drive in circles.

Upon entering his cab, Conan drivles "I waaaaahnt Museeeeum go." Azheem the driver doesn't understand what the hell he's saying. Conan becomes frustrated and draws his Atlantian sword. "Cwrom, I have nevewr pwrayed to you befowre......." Azheem's eyes light up. "You know Crom? Then I suppose you know the 'Riddle of Steel' too then." Discovering that their both from Aquilonia, Azheem and Conan hit it off great and pick up the three magic pieces and return home. Xena gets a job working in an S+M club and she and Gabriella end up living together in a house on Long Island, nextdoor to none other than.......Joey Buttafucco.

- wubzert

I've seen Xena a few times, and if those episodes are any reflection of how she would perform in the real world, Conan should win hands down. In one episode, she backward somersaulted a hundred feet up to land in a tree. If this is the type of stuff the producers need for her to do to survive, she's not going to do very well in NY. There's no trick photography in Manhattan.

And what about that dumb metal Frisbee? When you throw a Frisbee, you have to run and get it if no one's there to throw it back. In the episodes I've seen, it always somehow comes back to her. How much is that going to happen in real life?

- IceBeast9 -

It seems obvious that this match comes down to accents. Conan v Xena... Austrian v Australian (well New Zealand, but the Yanks in NYC can't tell the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi if their life depended on it. In fact, it might...)
Xena: Excuse me, can you tell me 
      the way to the Museum of Natural History?
Typical New Yorker: Hey, you're an 
                         Aussie, aren't you? How's things 
                         down under?
Xena: I'm not an Aussie! [slice, dice, chop...]

Conan: Exkyooss mee, kan yoo tell mee dee 
            vie too dee Myooseeyam off Nahtchoorl Isstawree?
Typical New Yorker: Eaah?
Conan: Aye ssedd... kan yoo tell mee...

Conan gets stuck trying to make himself understood while Xena incises a bloody swathe across the city as she visits Kiwi righteousness on the heathens who hold the precious relics of Hyborean triumph. The RAGE(tm) conquers all again.

- DM [An Australian -ed]

Superficial appearances can be deceiving. For beneath these two seemingly invulnerable Hardbodies (TM) dwell two convalescing walking wounded who are only outpatients by virtue of the fact that their H.M.O.'s have prematurely discharged them from the hospital in a cos.

Witness the unfortunate Lucy Lawless. Tanned and buff? Yes, certainly, but remember this is the same person who recently fractured her pelvis in an equestrian misadventure while taping for Leno's Tonight Show (TM). The official word is "full recovery" but inside sources are still whispering "4-point walker." Perhaps a bit overstated, but I still doubt Xena could even attempt any of her stunning high kicks without a healthy dose of Vicodin.

Yet the Warrior Princess is the epitome of robust health when compared to the Barbarian. Arnold "2 days out from the ICU" Schwarzenegger is now status-post open heart surgery. Conan cannot even laugh without busting open his sternal suture wires, let alone go up against an admittedly gimpish Xena. This Teutonic Titan will waste precious time searching for his bottle of nitroglycerin pills while the competition seeks out the artifact. Conan the Destroyer? I think not. More like Conan the Cardiac Cripple.

Highest probability scenario: A pained and grimacing Xena performs CPR on blue-lipped Conan while Gabrielle handily recovers artifact. Advantage to the Warrior and Bard.

- Dr. Quinn

Let me see if I have this contest right:

Xena, screamer extraordinare, ballerina, bloodthirsty warrior, frisbee thrower of the year, and one of the best thieves in history is compeating in a thievery contest again Conan, screamer extraordinare, big dumb rock inpersonator, bloodthirsty warrior, spear chucker of the year and one of the best thieves in history.


Zena always wins by scaring her opponents to death with the Harpy imitation.

Conan always wins by being uglier than anything his opponents throw his way.

End Result:

Zena gets killed by Conan when she refuses to shut up.

Conan gets killed by anti-tank rounds when he wanders into the wrong end of town.

Gabrielle uses those interpersonal skills for profit on Time Square.

Autolycus ends up with the loot, being the best thief in history.

- Hawke

Here's how it happens:

Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy, and Frank Gifford are in a limo driving passed Central park when a pair beautiful women run passed their car. The three male celebrities instantly take notice of Xena's brass plated breasts and assume that she and Gabrielle are some kind of "working girl" tag team. After being propositioned, Xena turns the three men into just another large bloody stain on the streets of NYC.

Xena's action inspires all the prostitutes in New York to take up arms and come to her aid. There's no way Conan can beat odds like that.

Conan gives up his quest, starts bodybuilding, moves to Hollywood, makes a few bad movies, and marries Maria Schriver (sp?).

- Player

A curious battle, my friends- a true contest of skimpy leather, armored-proppery and fake-baked Hollywood flesh. Quite simply, though, it's a matter that boils down to some antics. Ahem... I mean semantics.

Conan, charming fellow that he is, claims the title "Barbarian." Colloquially, the term "Barbarian" refers to those who are crude, uncultured, obnoxious, and completely able to pop six-packs of whup-ass like peanut M&Ms(tm). The Conster comes from a proud and time-honored tradition of uncivilized dullards waving big, shiny, sharp pieces of metal. Hell, remember that little "Fall of the Roman Empire" thing? That was barbarians, baby, all the way. And don't even tempt me to bring up Thundarr.

Then, of course, we have Xena. What's her moniker, you say? "Warrior Princess." Dear Crom, guys- that's like some reject spinoff of She-Ra or something. Her greatest weapons? An upturned pie plate, uvulation, and a bimbo pacifist with a curtain rod. Ewwwwww... I'm soooooo scared!! Her act might do well in Vegas opening for Sigfried and Roy (they're masters of the impossible, you know), but we're talking the Big Apple(tm) here. (And if I had I dime for every tourist who approached me claiming to be a "warrior princess...")

My point? Conan is a badass BARBARIAN, Xena is simply underdressed royalty with a cast-iron bra. In Manhattan, only one of these two types of people consistently thrives. Ever take the 9 uptown during rush hour on a hot Friday evening? Hells Bells, my friends- Barbarians run New York City.

- Tengu:

This one's easy. Xena has it by a mile. Both are good warriors, but Xena is smarter. Conan would spend too long in the Natural History museum trying to ride the animals. But where he would really get held up is the revolving door of the U.N. building. Going through the door, he would think it was the Wheel of Pain (TM) and go around and around without stopping. It wouldn't be until the place closed at night and they locked the doors that he would stop. He might also mistake the Statue of Liberty for his god Crom (TM) and waste time worshipping it. Xena would get attacked in Central Park, but she'd be able to defend herself.

- Mike

Seems pretty simple to me, they're on a scavenger hunt really, so Xena must win for two obvious reasons.

a) Conan is male. Males can't find the tv remote control if it has been moved.

b) Xena has the cool letter 'X' in her name. And since 'X' marks the spot, Xena must win. (See previous Grudge Matches for the 'X' factor, (Scooby-Doo lost out the X-Files remember....))

- GS

This is really the simplest fights since the Enterprise went up against the death star. What are the two most oft' quoted determining factors in any grudge match? Yes class, The RAGE (tm) and THE BABE FACTOR (tm).

As for the rage, Conan was really only driven by revenge against Whats his name, who is now dead. Apart from that he seems to have a light-hearted freebooter attertude. On the other hand, Xena seems to have something against the Universe.

As for the Babe Factor, I leave the advantage as an exercise for the reader.

Hence the winner is clearly Xena, who will be back in ancient New Zealand in an hour and a half, while Conan will take up a profitable career in professional wrestling.

- Bruce.

I think it's quite simple: when Xena fights, she leaves behind a trail of unconscious, bruised, and embarrassed bad guys; when Conan fights, he leaves behind a trail of dismembered heads, bloody stumps, and shredded bad guys. Xena is a TV warrior princess, which by the power of the CENSORS (tm) prevents her from doing real violence. Conan is a MOVIE STAR (tm) - the "star" being brought into question after roles such as Mr. Freeze and Kindergarten Cop - but he is allowed to mutilate, burn, pilage, and destroy to his heart's content. Advantage: Conan.

- John "Chris you need to spell it Kamikaze" N.

[Wouldn't it be more difficult and thus require more skill to beat up the bad guys with a sword and *NOT* kill any of them? Just a thought. - Paul]

I see Xena and Gabrielle deciding to split up, Gabrielle chasing down the pieces to the laser and Xena staying behind to occupy the lascivious Conan. Let's face it, who could resist Xena in that tight, leather outfit of hers? Conan's raging warrior hormon es will get the better of him, and he will suddenly be wielding two swords instead of one. Unfortunately, he will accidentally "disarm" himself and end up lying in a pool of his own blood, clutching his loincloth. Besides, he'd never make it past 42nd Str eet anyway:

"I think I see what you're looking for down there on the sidewalk."
(Conan bends down to pick something up)

"Zank you, I--vait a minute! Ow! Vhy are you putting zat zere?"
Even if he can't pitch anymore, Conan can still catch.

Xena and Gabrielle triumph in a shutout. Afterwards, they realize their true feelings for one another and submit to their homoerotic impulses in a wild, celebratory sex-fest. I give it two thumbs up.

- Schooly



Paul, I wish to know from where you get your crack and how it tastes. Let me explain something: sure, maybe Xena has a SLIM intelligence advantage over the Mighty Conan (TM), but surely, that much brawn can overcome her paltry intelligence. I mean, she may be able to deceive people into giving her what she wants (or doing what she wants, or whatever), using guile and trickery, but Conan can simply chop heads and take what he wants, or coerce and intimidate those New Yorkers into doing whatever he wants them to. They think there's alot of violence NOW, wait 'til Conan comes to town.

Furthermore, he can do alot of neat poses with his sword to intimidate the Hell out of everyone. Remember when he and Bombatta posed down? They didn't intimidate each other, but they sure intimidated me!

Also, in one of your messages, you insinuated that Xena was better 'cause she beat a god up. Well big deal! Everyone heroic is always pounding the crap outta gods! Case and point, in Conan the Destroyer, he stopped the most evil and powerful god there was, that slimy green guy with the horn --played by Andre the Giant! (I don't remember the god's name, but if you want it so bad, it's recorded in the Scrolls of Skelos).

Anyways, so you must admit, Conan's bigger and badder, and his great muscles and ability will overcome over Zena's guile and unimportant smarts. He'll smash and go home, she'll cry like the wussie pansy she is. Case closed.

- Darrell the Destroyer : ) : ) : ) : ) : )

Xena is bound to win over Conan. The reason? Simple. Conan is just one big pile of whup-ass, with no other real skills to back them up. Xena, on the other hand, can be charming and diplomatic. No matter where Xena goes, she either has friends or makes new ones due to her charisma and beauty. Before long, she'll have all of New York City eating out of the palm of her hand. She also has a plan - Xena always has plans for how to defeat the enemy. Conan will just go in and kick the butt out of anyone who stands in his way, without finding out if he's killing the only person who knows the combination to that laser lock. On top of that, everyone in Xena's been reincarnated in the 20th century. Didn't you ever see the episode with the intrepid descendant of Gabrielle as the Indiana Jones-esque world explorer? They'll find the modern day equivalent of someone like Atolachas (the King of Thieves) to help them out. And when you've got Bruce Campbell on your side, how can you lose? (If you doubt me, look at _Army of Darkness_.) Here's how I see the Stock Exchange going:

Conan bursts in, bellowing and swinging his sword, killing stockbrokers left and right on the exchange floor. Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle, who with the help of Bruce Campbell have found suitable clothes to camoflage themselves in with the 20th century folk, have already gone up to the information desk, looking like tourists, and charmingly asked where they can find the Diamond of Wealth. While Conan is beating on a bunch of suited schlubs, Xena and Gabrielle have already gone to the top floor of the Exchange with Bruce, found the Diamond, kicked the stuffing out of the person guarding it, gotten through the high-tech computer systems protecting it, and taken the diamond. Then, using the distraction Conan's provided, the three will leave the Exchange unnoticed, to make their way to the Museum of Natural History, where Gabrielle will suborn a museum guard with a striking resemblance to Joxer the Mighty, who will join them on their quest. I'm sure you can see how the rest of this will go. Conan's ass-kicking antics will merely provide the distraction Xena needs to put her plan in motion.

- rednikki

Look, guys, here's the basic deal - in this day and age, with the primitive chavinistic male focus that our world still maintains, it is perfectly acceptible for a man to freely ogle a sexually attractive woman and even pursue a relationship with her, while a woman, when presented with a sexually attractive man, has to maintain the high ground and keep focused on the basic facts of the situation - she has to be the person who keeps the relationship on the ground instead of between the sheets. This works in Xena's advantage and decides the match, because once she and Gabrielle strut into NYC clad in tight leather bustiers and woven crop-tops (respectivly), they should, rightfully, attract a large portion of the male population as an entourage, whom they can, at the very least, throw in the way of the SGI Spielbergian dinos (TM). There might even be a male useful to the cause in the bunch - who knows? But meanwhile, Conan the Barbarian is quite possibly being noticed by the female citizens of The City (though I personally think that Tarzan is far superior in the loincloth competition), but due to the rules of sci-fi stranger-in-a- strange-land movies (refer to "Time After Time" and "Star Trek IV" as references), Conan's only allowed one strong female to show him the ropes of the 20th century. And since the Hollywood tradition of using anorexic bimbos in those roles ALWAYS holds true in these movies, she's less than half a mouthful for the CGI Rex. So, it's Xena all the way, with Conan taken down by the oppressive macho stereotypes of the entertainment industry. Bloody well ironic, ain't it?

- Lizzie the Feminist Chick

[Why Conan will win] Fact: Conan is a virile, herculean, powerfully built Adonis who weilds his broadsword in one or two-handed style as familiarly as Homer weilding a fork at a buffet.

Fact: Xena is a virile, herculean, powerfully built serving-wench-gone-mad who throws a metal boomerang which conks guys on the head named a chakram. This very name is suspect as far as weapons go since it sounds WAY too much like the chakra, a term used for the "power centers" of the human body by a religion followed by such fools as Shirley Mclaine and my old Magic, Religion and Science teacher Mr Boyle, both of whom are known morons who participate in such assinine practices as firewalking and similar stupidities.

- Fistandantilus of Montreal

FYI, the chakram is a real weapon used by the Sikhs of India (although they did not use it as a boomerang). -Paul

I see the events as unfolding this way. Conan will be wandering through Manhattan, trying to find someone who will give him directions instead of fleeing in terror (because this warrior is not smart enough to bring a friend of non-threatening appearance), When he will wander by a storefront window and catch sight of Cori Everson's Gotta SweatTM.

Conan will now have a new goal, to make his way to Nevada in search of his dream woman, the old quest quite forgotten. He will spend the rest of his days teaching us step aerobics on ESPN2TM. If by some chance all three of Conan's brain cells work in unison long enough to continue the search, his libido will certainly kick in upon catching sight of Gabrielle (We all know his penchant for blondes). As soon as he moves to grab Gabrielle, he is undone. Xena, true to form, will move in to save Gab from the unwanted attention with some witty one liner such as "remove the offending hand now-oh, never mind, I'll do it(chop)". End of fight.

On another note, all of you who voted for Conan I fear failed to take into consideration the RageTM. Xena laid waste to an entire region of the world for no other reason than the death of her brother. I doubt not that Conan has his own Rage(ing lust), but Xena has it in spades. She has been, and at times can still be, Rage Incarnate. Conan's rage is but a Dixie CupTM next to Xena's mighty ocean. I fear that if this vote comes out in his favor, it is but the last gasp for a dying era. A new age of the world dawns, and it is the Age of XenaTM.

- Jason Elff

This one is obvious. You mention that Conan is nowhere near the smartest guy going, do you not? Could he possibly be one of the stupidest tough-guys to ever live? Well, as hard as this is to believe, this is an advantage. Conan's stupidity cause him to take a twisted understanding for pain. He could be decapitated and continue running around like a chicken.

- Cosmo Kramer

You have forgotten Conan's most important qualification. Stand in awe of:

Conan: The Librarian

Some Guy: "Where can I find a book on proctology?"

Conan: "You do not know the Dewey Decimal System?!?!?!" WACK!! (splits the guy in half)

Besides, as per the immense amounts of PBS vingettes interspersed between Sessame Street and Mr. Rodgers, librarians can find anything.

- Shai'tan

This is a contest?? THIS is a contest??!

Forget the fact that Xena regularly defies gods and wins. Forget the fact that she kicked butt even with a broken pelvis. Forget the fact that she's come back from the dead AND being a vampire. Forget the fact that the worst thing I've ever seen Lucy Lawless or Renee O'Conner in (in my admittedly limited experience) was a Rockford Files TV movie while the other guy, well, has Batman Forever and The Last Action Hero. Forget all that.

You're forgetting one obvious thing: in a previous life, Conan WAS Hercules! A badly dubbed Hercules, but Hercules nonetheless. And considering the smouldering passion he and Xena have for each other, do you really think he'll attack her? Granted, Herc has been in NYC before, but as Paul so rightly points out, Xena's a warlord. She'll swallow her feelings for this Herc wannabe (or even get madder at him for pretending). Herc/Conan, OTOH, will be so confused by his flashbacks of Xena and New York that he'll be easy prey for the pickpockets who'll lift his sword.

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa

Ahnold was in Batman and Robin, not Batman Forever. However, we recognize the badness of both films. -Eds.

anyone who can handle Grace Jones can destroy Xena in any competition.

- dair grant

I'm going to have to vote for Conan, for two simple reasons:

1) Xena's weapons are just plain bad. I mean, what is up with a frisbee that can cut through rock, yet can be caught bare-handed. Her sword is a glorified letter opener at best, and Gabrielle's staff would leave a nasty welt at best. Conan carries a well-sharpened steel slab that could easily cut Xena in half.

2) Xena's annoying yi-yi-yi-yi-yi battle call would have every resident of New York shooting automatic weapons at her in 5 minutes.

- Eric

Conan's low tech and low IQ strategy will prevail. On a lighter note, he enslaves Gabrielle and maeks her work the wheel of pain for a few years. Gabrielle the Barbarian, coming soon to a thater near you...

- El Squid

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman
Darth Maul v. Connor MacLeod
William Wallace v. Groundskeeper Willy

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