On the outskirts of the city lie the long since abandoned buildings of the now defunct Office of Scientific Intelligence (tm). In a sub-basement, a cryogenic freezer fails, and Steve Austin is awakened. Using his Bionic Recooperative Powers (tm) and a cup of java, he is quickly back to full strength. He emerges from the frozen tomb that long since dead network executives had banished him to after the negative Neilson ratings of "Bionic Ever After". As he enters the city, he spots RoboCop, shooting up a car full of drug dealers. The car, now out of control, crashes into a crowded restaurant and explodes. RoboCop, unremorseful, continues on patrol. Austin decides that this type of law enforcement has no place in HIS society...
RoboCop, spotting an angry man coming at him at 60+ mph, assumes he is a criminal and attempts to destroy him. Which "do-gooder" is left standing?
One serious problem RoboCop has is a screwed-up head. Most of the time, he can't think straight, and when he can, he becomes suicidial or remorseful. When his brain isn't working, the IBM-PC in his head controls things, with no chance for creativity which will be necessary to defeat the Bionic Man. Another drawback RoboCop has is his speed. Sure he's tough, but he's also slower than Lirch. Steve Austin will be able to juke left and right, evading any attack RoboCop might muster.
Steve Austin has the best military, commando, and spy training the good 'ol USA can provide. He can do it all, and with a clear head. He can even beat up BigFoot. If you notice, RoboCop only wins against drug dealers and executives, rarely against trained adversaries. He had trouble with ED-209, a lousy second-rate piece of junk. The way I see it, Austin will serpentine up to RoboCop at 60+ MPH, and lay a bionic kick right in Robo's unprotected face, reducing his brain to a pile of useless jelly and microchips. Robo will never know what hit him. Austin in 10 seconds.
BRIAN: You so quicly look past the "obvious" and fail to realize its significance. It sounds like your entire argument is based on RoboCop's minimal amount of exposed skin. I hardly think that that serves as an Achilles' heel in this scenario. Let's look at what both competitors bring to the table. Austin brings speed and stength and a human mind. RoboCop brings armor, tremendous firepower, strength, and computer logic (NOT an IBM, by the way). Where is the deficiency in this match-up? It's in Austin's inability to do ANYTHING to RoboCop. "Lay a bionic kick" in RoboCop's face? Is that the best you can do? Obviously RoboCop can deter such daring assaults with his massive firepower. What else does the Bionic Man have to offer? True, in the later made-for-TV movies, Austin did get improved weaponry, such as a laser. But considering those were created for TV movies, they certainly were too cheap to survive the 50 years of cryofreeze.
The way I see it, the Bionic Man, in his anger, is running straight at RoboCop in the open street. RoboCop QUICKLY raises his guns and lets it fly (true Austin is quicker, but RoboCop is no Lirch). Austin adjusts and jumps for cover, but RoboCop is able to follow him with his 50 rounds per second of fire and blows off Austin's good arm and riddles his circuitry -- he is down. RoboCop, finding a bleeding, moaning Bionic Man, puts him out of his misery with a grenade launcher right in the transistor. This time, they will not rebuild him.
STEVE: First of all, a few corrections for you. It *IS* an IBM-PC. Watch the movie carefully. When they first turn on RoboCop, you can see MS-DOS being loaded up (look for COMMAND.COM). Second, RoboCop cannot do anything quickly. I can't think of one instance in the movie where he moves even as fast as a normal person. He's just one slow and dumb cop.
I glad you brought up weapons. First, Steve Austin has the eye-laser you mentioned. I doubt it could pierce his armor, but it would easily fry RoboCop's vision sensor, rendering him blind as well as dumb and slow. Also, at the same time he got the laser, Rudy Wells also put in a link between his bionic eye and bionic arm. He has the same targeting capability as RoboCop! Steve could pick up an off-the-shelf .44 Magnum (the most powerful handgun in the world) and blow RoboCop's head *clean* off. Bye-Bye, RoboCop!
Finally, I bring up one very important last point. Sound Effects. The Six Million Dollar Man has the coolest bionic sound effect you've ever heard. You know when you hear that bionic noise that Steve Austin is going to kick some ass. What does RoboCop have? Whiney high-pitched servo-motor noises. Pathetic! I daresay RoboCop will flee in terror when he hears the mighty bionics roar!
BRIAN: Steve, I truly believe that you are going insane. No, it *IS NOT* an IBM-PC. IBM no longer exists! It may be a decscendant of the once great IBM corporation, but as we all know, "The Company" owns everything in this future Detroit. Which brings us to the subtle point I was trying to make which you so obviously missed: Things have changed! This "IBM" is a state-of-the-art 21st century computer, far more powerful than the Bionic Man's transistors (miss that one, too, Steve?). How can anyone rationally believe that Austin's pitiful 70's electronics (he's got vacuum tubes in his ass for heaven's sake!) can even begin to compare to, nevermind match up with, RoboCop's super-computer-of-tomorrow (tm)??!!
And then you rant on and on about all these weapons that we all know the Bionic Man WON'T have. Again, how are cheesy made-for-TV-movie special effects going to make it through 50 years of cryofreeze?! Not gonna happen!
And then you point out the Bionic Man's cool sound effects. Yes, they are cool in their own little retro way. But you fail to recognize RoboCop's sound effects: How can anyone hear Austin's "du-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh" when RoboCop is filling the THX with the music of automatic weapons and grenade explosions? Austin might be the sentimental favorite, but he won't stand a chance. You can't even think of a belivable way (a "bionic kick"???) for Six Million Dollar Man to hurt RoboCop! If Austin gets near him, he bounces right off and BOOM: a six million dollar ash tray.
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- Dark Paladin.
The 6MDM will get up to speed, lift off, crash and burn, and Robocop will give him a ticket for littering. "Have a nice day, citizen".
Robo in 34.5 seconds.
RoboCop was built by a private contractor for the city of Detroit. The city understands it is receiving "state of the art" technology. This is the crucial point which dooms RoboCop. In reality, RoboCop is built with a circa 1994 Pentium chip which the contractor had mothballed due to once documented but now forgotten problems. This is the perfect opportunity to charge the city of Detroit premium 21st century prices for a twentieth century blunder. They jump on the opportunity.
In true governmental fashion, the bureaucracy has grown to even more unsustainable yet still funded proportions. Technical competence has absolutely nothing to do with procuring a job, hence the city overseers of the RoboCop project are easily duped.
Steve Austin was built by a government agency, but in a completely different era. The US had put men on the moon. They did it on what would be considered today an impossible to work with budget (never mind what 21st century bureaucrats would think). NASA had technicians who could do the job THEMSELVES. There was a CAN DO attitude. This enthusiasm and competence pervaded the secret agency tasked to design the Bionic Man. As a result, Steve's "pitiful" early 1970's circuitry is error free.
We can see where this is leading, hence I briefly outline RoboCop's demise. Both combatants survive the first encounter and Steve realizes hand-to-hand combat won't do. He retreats and during the ensuing midrange firefights, Steve discovers that RoboCop's aim is slightly askew. The error is magnified at large distances. Steve easily stays out of RoboCop's effective range and has the advantage due to his bionic vision. He also has no trouble finding a cornucopia of weaponry in the ultra-violent 21st century. RoboCop can only fire where his calculations determine. Steve zeroes in on his opponent until RoboCop falls in a hail of well-placed explosives.
- Dr. Joe
Also remember from RoboCop2 that Cain and his gang tore up RoboCop (even with a jackhammer!) and couldn't kill him. (Okay, he went into shock, but the Bionic Man is no jackhammer - one karate chop to Robo's chest armor and SNAP! - every bone or transitor in the hand is chalk!)
So the Bionic Man lunges at Robo, kicks him in the chest, breaks his leg, and bounces off. Robo is knocked over and takes 2 minutes to get back up. But since Col. Austin is recovering from shattering every bone in his leg, he's not doing much.
Robo whips out his .45 machine pistol, and using the same amazing targeting that allowed him to shoot through a women's dress to turn a mugger into a singer for the Vienna Boys Choir, cleanly shoots off both of the Bionic Man's legs, then the arms, and then pops in a fresh clip and splatters Austin's brains all over the street.
It's a good thing Detroit is a toxic wasteland, or the citizens would be distgusted at the sight of the remains of the Bionic man.
Maybe some kid can use Steve's spare parts to keep his Amiga running.
Bionic man, quick and simple. Why, you ask? Simple: motivation.
Robocop has his funky weapons and high-tech computers. (Yes, it is an IBM-clone, Brian. Nothin' else uses command.com, thank God. The 'Company' of Robocop is obviously an offshoot of the all-powerful Microsoft conglomerate.) That, however, is all he has. He can't eat, can't drink, can't smell the flowers, and lacks the necessary, er, organs for more intense physical stimuli. That's right, he's Robo-Eunuch. So, what's the poor bastard got to live for? Shooting people? Good for a while, but eventually adrenaline burnout sets in and then there's no joy in violence anymore. His life becomes a dull, passionless march through time. It's very likely that he's committed suicide long before the 6m man ever wakes up. If he does avoid kervorking himself, he'll lack the motivation to put up any seroius fight.
In contrast, look at the 2/3 dozen million pound man. He's woken up after 50 years of sleep and is lookin' for some lovin'. What's the best way to impress the vixens? "That's right, Baby. I knocked off Robocop. One I-beam dropped from a ten-story building [with that cowelled neck of his, he can't look up] pushed his head below his ankles. Can I buy you another beer?" 700 trillion peso boy has the rage, the drive, and the Eye of the Tiger[TM] all on his side. Robocop will probably be glad to go.
- J. Daggar
Steve Austin in 2 months.
The battle would sound something like this:
Da-na-na-na-na-na-BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
This would be followed by the Bionic Woman getting her ass kicked by Wonder Woman (*screw* mud wrestling).
- Christopher Bird
- Lord Axe
Now if Mr. Austin had done his homework and at least scouted out his opponent's capabilities, he would have understood that RoboCop is not some loser hood that he can knock senseless with his bionics. He needs a plan. He does not have a plan. *Austin (Houston, whatever), we have a problem.*
RoboCop using his sensors and human brain, quickly indentifies the bionics threat and is prepared for the first blow. Though he is knocked down, most of the damage is absorbed by his armor and the driver side door of a 1999 Yankee Pickup. As Mr. Austin goes in for the kill, RoboCop from his prone position identifies the most logical weak spot and locks on with his computer targeting. Ten extremely accurate and extraordinarily painful rounds to the testicles later, the Six-Million Dollar Man is ready for his next TV movie: *Ice Pirates II.* OUCH!
- Paul Golba
Even running at 60mph, Austin can not catch Robo off guard. Unlike a cheeta, which has a tail for counterbalance during high speed turns, Steve is just not very mobile. He has to come at you straight on. Even without creativity, Robo's internal computer would be able to track and plot Austin's speed and vector, and pick him off with several well placed rounds.
- Wes Breazeale
- Michael Allen Smith
Distraught, he will hop off into the slums, where he will first encounter Detroit's metal finest. Warning Robocop of the dangers of cybernetics, the inherent evil of machine replacing man, and the riskiness of television; the Six Million Dollar Man will fall to the ground and weep. Robocop, his head cluttered with GIF files of Jenny McCarthy, his gears grinding from a long patrol, will kindly shoot the 70's icon and continue on his way.
When the Bionic Woman wakes up and goes after Robo, that'll be when the real war begins.
- Matt Miesnieks
RoboCop will fall on the floor laughing, as his (definitely IBM) DOS system will not see S-M-D Man as a threat. This will leave Steve free to jump up and down on Robo's dangerously exposed face and mangle his motherboard.
(Why did they leave his face exposed? A serious oversight, in my opinion, although having seen Planet Of The Apes, we all know how stupid a masked man speaking looks!)
Six Million Dollar Man in Six Milli-Seconds!
1.His stunt career as the Fall Guy. "He can fall from a burning building, he can roll a brand new car, cause he's the unknown stuntman who killed RoboCop." Also, Lee Majors could sing...witness his Fall Guy theme! 2.His sound affects will make RoboCop's sensors go all willy-nilly. 3.Better looking girlfriend. 4.Steve Austin has no suicidal impulse. RoboCop does. 5.Everyone knows Lee Majors was Steve Austin. Who played RoboCop on TV? I dare anyone to answer! 6.Steve Austin slept with Farrah Fawcett (Majors!). Who has Peter Weller slept with? No one knows or cares. 7.Lee Major was a hard ass in Tour of Duty. Peter Weller was a junkie in Naked Lunch. Hard ass vs. junkie who couldn't hit the shot glass off his wife's head? NO CONTEST! 8.Six million dollar man had cooler and bigger toys than RoboCop. WHo can forget looking through the eyes of the Bionic Man doll? They are rare, RoboCop is still clogging up the 8C clearance aisle at Toys R Us.
Six Million Dollar Man wins hands down.
I go take cold shower now.
Number one: The accidents that made them the men(?) they will be and were. Robocop was some punk beatcop who wandered into the wrong room and was shot slowly with shotguns for being dumb. Col. Austin was blown up in a jet plane accident type of thing. Very Macho.
Number Two: Sound effects Robocop has only those servo-motors to whine as he trudges along. Steve has bionic running sound effects, bionic car-flipping effects, bi onic looking at stuff effects, etc... Real men know the value in variety.
Number Three: Girls. Robocop doesn't score with the chicks. Period. In fact if one ponders for a moment, He is physically incapable of making it!! Not so with Steve. That stud boy could go for hours or milliseconds depending upon his mood. How many Men can claim variable speeds? Certainly not RoboCop. He can't even bend at the waist in a convincing manner.
Therefore, I vote for the six million dollar man beating the crap out of RoboCop and then reviving the disco craze, causing an epidemic of world peace.
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