World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

It was beyond myth. Every citizen of Gameland had heard of the fabled object that promised its owner incredible wealth and eternal life. It was rumored to be hidden deep in the caverns of Pong Mountain and heavily defended by crude ancient sprites (dating as far back as the early 1980s). Nobody knew where the caverns were, much less if the artifact even existed. Yes, the legendary Intellivision of Power had remained unseen since the beginning of video gaming. But that was about to change...

From a ledge twenty feet above, Lara Croft gracefully leaped to a near invisible handhold, followed by a perfect tumble to the cave floor. The world's most famous archaeologist and adventurer quickly drew her Uzis and opened fire while executing her trademark sideways backflip. The gunfire neatly eviscerated a centipede and a pokémon that had been hiding in the shadows. Her acrobatic entrance successfully avoided the traps at the front entrance, just as her research had indicated. The prize was all but hers.

At that moment a tremendous explosion blew the front doors off their hinges. The remains of Mario and Luigi, who had also been looking to grab the prize, landed in a heap on the floor, near the doors. Through the smoke, professional hero Duke Nukem emerged with guns smoking. His hair, as usual, was perfect.

"Hey, baby. You're a little early to congratulate me on finding the Intellivision," said Duke. "But you're the best booby prize I have ever seen," he added.

"Sorry, love, but I must insist that the artifact belongs to me," replies Lara Croft as she levels her Uzis menacingly at her adversary. "I would consider backing away before your voice is several octaves higher."

And so the ultimate deathmatch had begun.

So, HotBranch!, pick the pixilated protagonist that purloins the prize.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider Duke Nukem

Lara Croft


Duke Nukem

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: I've been waiting over a year to avenge Mork's loss to the MiBs. Prepare to be neuralized, Paul, because Lara's going to make hamburger out of Duke and his 100% grade-A manmeat.

This matchup is old hat for Lara. She's used to killing any man or beast that stands between her and the object of her search. Lara has kicked some serious ass all over the world. She's had to do battle with a guy who was able to transform himself into a friggin' dragon; she's even managed to breach the security of Area 51 and lived to tell. Anyone who crosses her seems to wind up on the wrong side of a body bag.

Lara is an educated socialite. Duke has never had to match his limited wits against the likes of Lara, a woman with brains, beauty, and an attitude. He'll just make one crass comment after another, which, as any married man can tell you, will transform even the meekest woman into a 100% ass-whoopin' RAGE™-filled kill-bot. Hell, Duke won't even be looking Lara in the eyes. Another BIG MISTAKE! The slight downward tilt of his head will make a perfect target for Lara, and Duke will never see the bullet making a beeline between his eyes.

Lara is used to doing battle with warrior monks, yetis, tigers, great white sharks, raptors, and even a tyrannosaurus rex, fercryingoutloud!. She has evaded death and serious injury in some of the world's most inhospitable environments. Being this close to her goal will focus her energy and abilities. Lara does not take kindly to losing a simple game of pong [dead link]; imagine the wrath she'll unleash on Duke if she thinks she won't walk away with the Intellivision. That poor bastard...

PAUL: HotBranch!, it's good to see that you are just as deluded as the last time we met.

Lara Croft doesn't have a hope since she suffers from "Breastus Hugeous," also known as "Barbie Disease." Have you looked at the melons on her? Her boobs are twice as big as her head. First off, this gives Duke cleavage-flage advantage; by simply ducking (something that Lara can't do), Lara won't be see him underneath her mammary glands. Second and more important, she's top-heavy. Without a proper center of gravity, she's heading for gravity-induced face plant. Thus she will be unable to perform key complex activities like "shooting" or "moving." Or for that matter, "breathing." That'll teach ya to have computer geeks that never dated in college make your heroines.

But even if physics wasn't an issue here, it's still no contest. Lara's idea of a shootout is gunning down endangered species with guns that never run out of ammo from the total safety of a ledge twenty feet in the air. Wow, does she stomp on ants too? Duke Nukem isn't some pansy like Lara. Duke doesn't do puzzles. Duke doesn't go into battle worrying if his guns match his outfit. What Duke does is kill people and blow things up with very big weapons and save the world repeatedly. He does it so well that some people have suggested that he could singlehandedly take out both John McClane AND the Death Star. He's a real man. Lara better head back home, get into that French maid outfit and bake some cookies before she gets the proverbial "smack dab on her ass."

But what do you expect from someone who loses to PONG, the simplest and easiest game of all time! No wonder she makes her money from the ancient world, since she can't handle anything more technologically advanced than a toaster. On the other hand, Duke Nukem is armed with the ultimate in high-tech weapons. Does Lara have a Shrink Ray? A Jet Pack? The infamous Holo-Duke? No, but she has an adorable matching pair of pistols. How cute. She'll make a charming corpse.

HOTBRANCH: You wasted that much bandwidth arguing about Lara's breasts? Thanks ever so much, Zandor, master of the patently obvious. Lara's breasts have been anything but a hindrance to her. She has no problem running, leaping, crawling, or shooting the bejesus out of anything that threatens her safety. As for Duke's "sneak attack", the last time I saw a man over 6 feet tall try to sneak under a pair of D cups, Thinkmaster had just relinquished his last $20 bill. Then he got thrown out of the peeler bar.

When it comes to weapons, Ms. Croft prefers to avoid the realm of fantasy and opts, instead, for tried and true artillery: magnums, shotguns, Uzis, M16s, and grenade launchers. Lara further cements her foothold in the real world by using traditional vehicles, such as motorcycles, snowmobiles, kayaks, and ATVs. In short, she knows what weapon and vehicle to use to get the job done. I expect she'll even be driving Duke's hearse after this match.

Duke destroys anything and everything in his path: he has no patience and no ability to figure stuff out for himself. Which leads me to question what the hell Duke is doing in this match. He has no motivation for getting the Intellivision, other than to destroy it. If he does what comes naturally, the net result is that there will be one less object on this earth with more brain power than Duke.

Finally, those computer geeks who never dated in college that you so readily dismiss? YOU ARE ONE OF THEM, PAUL! Fanboys are Lara's biggest asset. There are more than Duke could ever hope to eradicate. This is no simple equation of Duke's weight in computer geeks. No, this is a tsunami of geeks coming down hard on Duke, inflicting a whole new universe of pain on the steroid-enhanced body that is the object of his narcissistic affection. Final result: Lara nukes Duke.

PAUL: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Unfortunately for you, Lara is going to learn what that proverb means from the business end of whatever Duke bothers to pull out of his arsenal. Duke blows things up. And one thing he is famous for blowing up are WOMEN. Whether they be strippers, hookers or doomed alien captives in various erotic positions, Duke kicks, blasts or otherwise obliterates members of the female sex on a regular basis. He is the biggest woman killer since Jack the Ripper. Considering the two enormous targets he has to aim at, I doubt he could miss.

But then again, what kind of competition is Lara? Duke fights technologically advanced alien shock troops with nothing more than your run-of-the-mill shotgun. Meanwhile, Lara's idea of a fair fight is to gun down some poor recently awakened 3,000-year-old mummy that has never seen anything more advanced than a spear and is probably just wondering where the darn bathroom is so he can take a leak. Anyway, considering that she runs around Anarctica in shorts, she was doomed from the get go.

But, of course, you had to bring up the cliched "fanboys." The problem is that you have the wrong fanboys. Follow the clues: totally impractical outfits, sexy English accent, the living embodiment of Girl Power(tm). Lara isn't an adventurer - she's a Spice Girl(tm). With that, her fate is sealed. There is no Jihad. At least that's we keep telling ourselves...

Thanks to Jeremy Kyle, LOQUAT99, Buddy Bialecki, and all the others who suggested this match.
Buddy would like to draw your attention to Easthampton's Heritage "Pops" Orchestra.

The Results

Duke Nukem (1193 - 50.1%)


Lara Croft (1187 - 49.9%)

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Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

Lara: You'll never make it out of here alive, wanker!

Duke(staring at breasts): What's that beautiful? You say something?

Lara: (thinking)Maybe I can deal with this jerk after all.....

Lara: Hey big boy, maybe we can "work something out"(tm) if you give me the Intellivision(tm).

Duke: Well, I was going to smash it good, kill some hookers and aliens, take a light brunch, and then blow up most of Manhatten, but I like your plan better.

Lara: Great! Your...uhhh.. strength, charm, and wit are.... uhhh just too much for me, yeah that's it.

Duke: (Thinks) Damn, I'm smooth!

Lara: (Thinks) Damn, he smells!

*The next morning Lara wakes up in a nice hotel bed after a wild night of getting Duked(tm)*

Lara: Hey lover, are you ready to hand over the.... oh sweet merciful crap!!! What happened to the Intellivision!!?!

*Pans over to a half-naked Duke and a smoldering hole in the floor*

Duke: Yeah,uhhh well, the thing is... I thought this thing was the TV remote. I tried to flip to the porno channel, but all of a sudden aliens appeared on the TV. These "Space Invaders", as they called themselves, just kept on coming! Waves of em, shootin' up the place and telling me I'm a loser! But I took care of 'em reeeeal good!

Lara: You moron, it was just a game!!!

Duke: Maybe it is to you sister, but I don't take kindly to alien invasions!

Just as Duke turns around, he sees two large round objects out of his peripheral vision. The sheer force and momentum of Lara's bosoms knocks Duke out of a window on the 37th floor. Duke was later quoted as saying to twin brother Johnny bravo, "Oh yeah, she digs me."

- Shaft

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

*clicky clicky* ahh Lara, I've finally found the legendary NUDE CODE and AAARRRRGGAAAAAAAA NOOOOO
.... IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE blind... I'm blind.... bliiiiind


ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

Since I dont stay current on the popular games (although I do remember seeing Duke Nukem once), I decided to call in some experts on the subject for a consultation.

The Experts: my 13 year old neighbor, Ryan, and his 2 friends, Kipp and Stumpy. While all agreed that they would rather be fishing, Stumpy came to the conclusion that Lara Croft just might have the edge. He based his conclusion on the fact that she has an ATV. "Chicks with ATV's are cool" was his exact comment. However, Kipp and Ryan decided that Duke Nukem would win this match. Kipp's reasoning is that Duke is a man and therefore bigger and tougher. Ryan just liked the guns. "Bigger guns are better, right?" So the vote was 2 to 1 in favor of Duke Nukem.

However, they all agreed that if Lara Croft looked like Britney Spears, they would all like to trade places with Duke Nukem and forget about fishing for the day. Unless Britney would rather go fishing with them.

- Ellie

Well, part of me, and we all know what part, wants to give Lara the win. However, my brain is overruling my glands and forces me to consider Duke the victor. Why? Well, this isn't a matter of firepower, or of tactics; it's a simple question of esprit de corps. Or, esprit de corpse, for Lara. She just doesn't have the get-go to get the Intellivision. "What?", I hear the masses cry. "How can you say this?", speaks the uninformed consumer. Duke is too dumb to feel pain. He wants the Intellivision of Power (tm), and nothing will stand in his way - not aliens, not traps, not plumbers, and certainly not a little girl with big guns Of course, Lara does this for a living, sure. She has experience, maybe, but experience won't let you survive the pure cold of the Freezethrower or Duke's laser-tripwire bombs. Also, her... primary attributes are large enough to have their own gravity, thus attracting Duke's shots even if he's not trying. It'll be fish in a barrel. Duke in 10.

- Rib-shot Dan

Great gravy, could this be any simpler? Duke, man, Duke!! All of Lara's fancy-schmancy acrobatics and unlimited ammo do nothing against the KING"'s RPG and other Ass-Whoopin'" weapons. All he needs to do is fire his freeze gun, kick, and shatter the bouncing buxom brunette. Of course, he could use his Shrink gun, and have himself a nice pint-size trophy.

Besides, you have to factor in toughness. Duke takes pipe bombs at ground zero and lives. Lara gets attacked by a bat and croaks. Also, Duke has done 3 games and they RULED! Lara has done 3 games, and they SUCKED! I remember back in the old days of IBM's, when 4 kilobytes were considered immense, whiling away the hours with Duke as a side-scroller, destroying robots, in 16 color glory. Then playing Duke 3D, with strippers that you payed to remove their bras, mutated pig-cops, and aliens just asking to get blasted, with Duke crackin' wise all the way. Then there is Lara. Stupid puzzles. Give me carnage and gore and sex and attitude any day! To Duke! My we learn from him! Onward to Duke 4!

- tracer malone

Okay, so basically we've got the video game avatar of adolescent boys vs. the video game avatar of everyting adolescent boys want. Since adolescent boys never get what they want, I predict Lara Croft in a landslide.

- Don "King" Milliken

Oh, please. Lara is the woman who put the "violent" in "violently feministic". Duke is the man who put the "big" in "big dumb guy". Duke will be too busy staring at Lara's, uh, shapely figure to fight. Lara will use that to her advantage. And as Hotbranch stated, there are hundreds of drooling fanboys with no sex life (like me =>) out there who will vote for Lara out of sheer physical attraction. And I have yet to see any woman who is attracted to a guy like Duke Nukem.

- Andy Anime

Lara Croft will win, because she has smaller forearms.

Silly, you say? This is, essentially, a gunfight, which means it will go something like this:
"Hey, you!"

In a gunfight, the quicker draw wins. Look at the picture of the Duke you have on your page. Look at those arms! He has arms approximately the size of a rottweiller. Plus, he has those Big Honkin' Guns(TM). It would take quite a lot of force to raise those accurately. However, Lara has thin, slender arms, and small guns, taking little force to raise, aim, shoot, and win.

Forearms: They can be your friend, and they can be your enemy.

- Vermin Boy, proud spokesman for the American Forearm Council (AFC)

As Paul so kindly pointed out, Lara's breasts should logically interfere with all athletic endeavours. As any woman can tell you, large hemi-spheres of flesh coupled with a tiny waist cause all sorts of problems. Thousands of women every year shell out big bucks to surgeons to have breast reductions, thus proving that double-D cups combined with a size 5 waist is not a desirable situation.
However, Our Heroine is not athletically hindered by the two massive weights on her chest. Obviously Ms. Croft is using an experimental anti-gravity device (stolen from the tomb of an Ancient Egyptian Pyramid Architect™)to keep her freakish breasts under control.
Unfortunatley, the anti-gravity device appears to be sensitive to the prescience of other advanced technologies (that's what you get for an alpha release), as evidenced by Lara's refusal to use any technology more advanced than a fire-arm. The radiation from advanced technology causes the Breast-Gravity-Neutralizer™ to short out, with catastrophic results.

Duke draws his Shrink-o Ray™ and charges it up, hoping to collect a new Hula-Girl™ for his dashboard, when suddenly an ear piercing whine reverberates through the caverns of Pong Mountain. When it stops, Lara's amazing levitating breasts™ are once again gripped by the sweaty hands of gravity™. Her tiny waist is not designed to support two bolling balls strapped to the chest, and Lara immediately throws her back out when she suddenly flops forward. If Duke ogles her long enough for her to drag her torso upright, flight is not a possibility. Running causes symphonic waves of ripples in the fat of her boobs, and Lara is wobbled violently off her feet like a bowl of Jell-o™ on a sub woofer playing a bass-heavy porno sound-track. If she dares to fire a weapon, she will not be able to sight properly, as her breasts hinder the movement of her arms, and the shock from firing will cause further catastrophic vibrations in her boobs. Duke, being a mountain of steroid-enhanced Neanderthal muscles and pure, hormone-driven misogyny, will be highly distracted by the sight, but as the reprocussions will be fatal (and messy) for Ms. Croft, he won't have to flex a muscle or bat a brain cell to defeat her.

Duke in 30 seconds and a small cave in.

- Sailor Squasher


Have you any idea what forces you are tampering with?! The greatest of plumbers and the mightiest of heroes, Mario and Luigi, are not to be denied life! They of course carry the most blessed of toadstools, the excellent 1-Up Mushroom. Where bullet-ridden corpses once laid, marvels now stand. Wounds are healed, stamina is replenished. They have set sights on their murderer. Using the majestic Fire Flower, the chivalrous Mario Brothers burn the flesh from the filthy-minded gun wielder. They find another holder of bullets, female, and realize her intentions. Using the potent Mario Tornado and the forceful Luigi Cyclone, the lass is transported into the highest of orbit. The intrepid brothers recover the holy Intellivision of Power in the name of fair Princess Peach and leave for her domain.

Because of the supreme resurrection of the masters of sovereignty, I shall go easy on you. My friends, however, are not as lenient. Beware, WWWF Hosts. The coming of the Mario and Luigi Jihad(tm) is at hand. Thou hath been warned.

- Charge Man

As the match is in full swing, both combatants have wasted an armory's worth of ammo trying to kill each other. Of course, being video game icons, neither can die without achieving their goal(we affectionately call it... RESET. Ahhhh...) So both are at a stalemate. Or are they?

The shooting stops temporarily. Lara to FINALLY reload, Duke to watch Lara FINALLY reload. When in the corner of his eye, Duke notices something amiss...

Duke: Lara, we've been shooting at each other for hours and trashed this cave. But have you noticed that crate in the corner? It hasn't been scratched!

Lara: Oh, it's just a silly box.


As they resume the battle, the box creeps closer to Lara... KABLAM! Before Duke can fire, a perfectly placed bullet between the eyes ends his ogling days forever. Who could have done this? Why, the true ruler of video game destruction, of course.


As he steps over the two fallen adversaries, Intellivision in hand, Solid Snake shakes his head at the inferior quality of adventurers that would compete with him. Maybe the Tenchu ninjas would be a better challenge....

- Todd Evil

I work in a computer lab, and we use both games to test new systems. Oddly enough, I had just finished a round of Duke AND a round of Tomb Raider when this match came up, so I feel obligated to point out something that wasn't mentioned about Mr. Nukem.

Duke can't fire when he gets close to a hot chick--he doesn't have his shooting hand free.

NOT THAT, YOU PERVERTS!!! He always tries to pass the woman a $100 bill to get her to remove clothing. I doubt that'll work here.

Duke (offering Lara the C-Note): Shake it, baby.
Lara (producing an assault rifle): Alright, then...

She then hitches a ride with Max Damage (who insists on burning rubber over Nukem's corpse) and rides on to victory.

That is, until the crew from Hickston, Arkansas digs into their cache of dynamite...

- Phil, gaming geek since 1981

As much as I hate Lara Croft and all the adolescent boys who clog up the malls buying her action figures, I'm gonna have to go with her on this one. Sure Duke's a manly man. Sure Duke's got the artillery and blowing-up-stuff experience. Sure his games are cooler. But Lil Miss Lara has one (or rather two) things he does not....

Yes, of course it's them, idiots. What no one seems to realize is that THEY ARE WEAPONS!!!! While she may not be able to shoot poison gas out of them, all she has to do is ditch that unrealistically tight shirt and bounce a little and Duke will fall under the spell of her patented HYPNO-HOOTERS (TM applied for). His high-tech futuristic weapons of mass destrucion clatter helplessly to the ground and she can take her time and beat him to death with a toothpick if she wants.

As long as she leaves her shirt off.

At least he'll die happy.

- Sorry, Duke. Better luck next time.

It's very simple. Lara Croft is just a figurehead to disguise the fact that her game is a simplistic item hunt...a spruced up version of Where's Waldo with breasts. Duke Nukem just blows people up. End of story.

- Paul the evil Canadian

I think the biggest problem we've got with this match is the nature of the voters. This isn't some dinky little fair and equal representation job, this is a bunch of fanboys with big computers to make up for their small... well, let's not go there.

And let's face it, the fanboys don't like Nukem or Croft because they kill. Hell no! We (I mean they) like Lara Croft because she's got an ass of steel and the sort of tits that are banned in fifteen states, and we like Duke Nukem because he's an all-time champion of getting laid.

Now that we've established the groundwork, do I really need to spell out just how distorted the voting is going to be? Just how many of the Response Of The Week contenders will have their stories locked away, never to be seen again until the Grudge Match Adults Only book is published? I'm on to your plan guys, your sick and depraved plan to get the two most revered people in 3-D shootemups to have every type of kinky sex imaginable, your disgustingly lowbrow expression of pent up sexual wierdness that would make a Freudian psychologist go ballistic. You people make me wanna PUKE!

Oh, and I vote for Lara Croft, because she's got big tits and a good ass.

- Rallan

This battle between the self-proclaimed King and Queen of Violence Inducing Computer Games (TM) will not escape the attention of the other denizens in the gaming universe. Here's how it'll go.

Lara: I've defeated wolves, dinosaurs, not to mention climbing cliffs and broken bridges. I could take you any day of the week, Mr. Nukem prepare to die.

Nukem: Bring it on sister, I've killed Terrorists, strippers, monsters, and gangsters. You wont last a...

Freeman, waving an MP5: Hey... this isn't Black Mesa! Ah I see you two are having some sort of competition, well let me note that I have wiped out whole legions of military grunts and defeated an entire race of aliens. Prepare to be Egon Fodder!

Quake Guy: Hup!

Lara: Why is that short little man with a pink shirt waving a Rocket Launcher at us?

Quake Guy: Hup!

Freeman: I think its trying to communicate.

Nukem: Is that all you can say, haven't you done anything cool and highly destructive?

Quake Guy: Hup!

Wolfie: Hey I finally got out of the German Jail and boy all that rage is going to be loosed! I've been killing Nazi Soldiers, Nazi Dogs, Nazi Zombies, and Nazi Scientists since before you were born! Prepare to die.

DOOMy: Hah, I've cleared colonies of deadly alien races and their respective demon overlords, none of you have a chance!

Quake Guy: Hup!



- Timur

Voting for Duke Nukem over Lara Croft is like voting for the Skipper over Mary Ann. Sure, one of them is more useful at fighting off the headhunters, but who makes getting stranded from civilization worth while?

- Mike Leung

Pong? Centipede? Intelevision? Obviously we are talking time warp here, which is where Lara has the advantage. Duke Nukem 1 is unable to move in 3 dimensions, so Lara can simply sidestep him. Lara Coft 1, however, had breasts that could etch glass. Those angular mammaries will be a deciding factor: they'll put someone's eye out. Chalk one up to the English chick.

- --John Hunter

Gentlemen, I am disappointed. Long have I waited for there to be an appropriate match for Duke Nukem, and I'm afraid you've let me down.

Duke will take this match. Inside of 15 seconds.
One reason: They're fighting for an Intellivision. Therefore they must be fighting on a battelfield that couldn't be generated on a 386, let alone the pentium Lara requires to animate her... assets. Duke's had experience with low power- he's even done 2D!! Without her precious polygons Lara's got a whole order of nothing, with a side of fries. Try to jump to the side in 2D! Hah!

I'm afriad Lara just can't compete. She has no lines (All too important), no attitude, nothing. I'm not even sure she'll take the swimsuit competition.

I also think she'll be swarmed by pimple-faced slobbering computer geeks intent on some pixelated gratification, allowing Duke to take the prize, and mercifully wipe the whole lot of them off the face of the earth.

Besides, Duke's such a stallion, Lara would be paralyzed with awe. Duke on the other hand, has seen better and had better.

Come now, lets have some challenge for Duke. Maybe Duke vs. Ash might scratch the surface, but this.....

Lara Croft, I'd cry for you, but my tears are from laughter.

- Teary-eyed Lara Croft Funeral Attendant

With blindingly fast accuracy, Duke looks at Lara's huge breasts. Seizing the moment, Lara whips out her pistols. Looking at Duke drool as her boobs shake, Lara realizes that he's paralyzed by her large T-shirt Mumps. Exersizing this exploit to the fullest, Lara whips out a Shotgun and slowly walks toward Duke, making sure she's extra bouncy. Duke, still enraptured, was later seen headless, in a pool consisting more of Drool than of blood and brain matter.

- Kagenin

Okay, not that PongŪ doesn't beat the Holy Living Crap(tm) out of both of these games, but I have to give it to Lara, for one, very good, very obvious, and very painful reason: she's a woman. Never mind what a pleasingly disproportionate woman she is, she's a "female"(tm). And if there's one thing I've learned by watching the Discovery Channel(tm), bar fights, and the cafeteria at lunch time whenever a scrap breaks out, the female version of ANYTHING will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS beat the aforementioned Holy Living Crap(tm) out of its poor, pathetic "male"(tm) counterpart. ^_^ Sorry, fellow males of the species... But, hey, every married guy in America knows the score.... except the wife beaters in Kentucky and Tennesse, who are generally too stupid to realize the enormous depths of their inferiority. So Lara is 1 and 1 now.....

Besides, are you REALLY gonna take a guy named "Nukem" seriously? He's a bad superhero from the 80's, for the Love of Pete(tm).


I can't figure out what's more important; my ravenous libido or my insatiable desire to blow the mother lovin' *bleepbleepbleep* out of everything in sight.
My vote goes for the addition of the "Both Learn The Valuable Lesson Of Sharing" button.

- Mighty Florist

First, we'll try the crass method of determining this one:

the Duke has one bazooka, Lara has two! {ba DOOM sis} 1-0 LC

Now we'll try the gamers' method:

The aim of Tomb Raider is to reach th end, the real aim of Duke is to blow stuff away. This match, as ever, is about blowing people away.


Poster options:

Vote for Duke and you might get a poster of you standing next to Duke while he fires the cool weapon of your choice. *

Vote of Lara, and you get a signed poster of her. *

1.5-1.5 (Poster values for the two are even at the moment, see me again once TR 4 is released)

"How the voter wants it to go" method: The Duke hits Lara with the freeze ray, thus allowing the real fighter to win, but preserving Ms Croft for future generations.

2.5-1.5 DN

* Poster supply is not guaranteed by me nor by WWWF Ground Zero nor by either combatant or their respective companies.

- Zhirrzh

Anyone who has ever played Duke Nukem knows that Duke is, in reality, the long lost brother of Ash, from the Evil Dead movies and namely Army of Darkness. Anyone doubting me should listen to some of their lines. "Hail to the King baby.", "Damn! I'm looking good.", etc... even their voices are similar.

If Duke gets in trouble with Lara Croft (which is doubtful considering his genepool), all he has to do is call in his ass kicking, shotgun blasting, chainsaw for a hand brother to clean up for him. If Ash can defeat a whole army of undead creatures, then he shouldn't have much trouble with little Lara.

- ODiV

That's right, Paul, she's a Spice Girl. Have you ever watched "Spice World"? Now imagine the Spice Girls with a full arsenal hidden in that bus. Poor old Duke doesn't stand a chance. But one correction: it won't be Lara driving Duke's hearse, it'll be Meatloaf. Lara will be playing to a sold out crowd at the victory concert.

- Martyn

Allright, let's look at this logically. Lara might be a little more agile with her ability to accurately target things while flipping sideways through the air and whatnot, but really! Duke can soak up more damage than a charging freight train and not even slow down! And those little pea-shooters of Ms Croft would be like a bumblebee trying to sting a blue whale to death.... even if she managed to connect with them. Duke is FAST.. he moves faster than a nitro- maserati. Duke's got the armor. Duke's got the stamina. Duke's got the arsenal. Duke's got the equipment. Duke's got the psychopathic homicidal roid-rage that lets him remove cities from maps. Lara can jump. And climb. and maybe she can shoot 4 rounds per second. Climb? Solve? Hell, Duke just jumps right off that 10 story building, landing with a grunt and a 6 percent health loss. Lara falls 20 feet and breaks her legs... or her neck.

- Die Hard Duke Fan

Whoever types in Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A Start first is going to have thirty lives and will obviously win.

- Kilgore Trout

It is absolutely astounding that Paul would try to incorporate Lara's breast size into his arguments. What self-repsecting testerone-laden man is going to see that as a *drawback*. Nevermind the "top-heavy" bullroar, the laws of physics cease to be all that important in the presence of puppies like those. Lara puts the "toon" in "Pontoons"!

- 1/2 Nelson

There are a number of flaws in your arguments for imminent victory for Lara. Give me a break. Duke would flambe that Bimbo in seconds, except that he won't have to.

Let's just examine the possibility of the battle. Lara fires off a couple of rounds in Duke's direction and even manages to tag him once. Old Duke simply shoots a urinal and laps up the water replenishing his health. Then all hell busts lose. Duke switches to God Mode and doesn't even bother with his sophisticated weaponry. He rips Lara's head off with his bare hands and drinks her blood for bonus health points. End result: A mortal man with God like capabilities is going to eat one Luscious Lara for lunch and proceed to pick her flesh from his teeth with one of her ribs.

- Pornstar

The Man, The Myth, The Honking Huge Guns


Why Duke Nukem will rip off Lara Croft's Head and (you know the rest)

Lara Croft is a vaguely interesting but ultimately soulless being. Duke Nukem is all man, fighting to save the Earth from invasion by alien nasties. He's a Marine, trained for combat, destruction, and general mayhem. He's been to outer space, survived alone against repeated invasions by alien forces, and has gotten to the point where the aliens as a race hate him personally (Duke Nukem must die! ; remember that scene?)
Lara Croft is a grave robber. Her education has focused mainly on avoiding local tribes who might be offended by her violation of their ancient tombs and the theft of their cultural history.
I can't imagine how Duke Nukem could have a problem blowing Lara Croft away; after all, it will only summon more aliens for him to kill, and that really is what he's here for.

The Duke rules. The Duke whips the llama's ass; Lara Croft's would be no contest.

- Faithful to the Duke, MaryReilly

Duke by a landslide. Here are some well organized reasons:

1. Firepower. Okay, Duke has 2 differnt rocket launchers, a freeze ray, a shrinker, and when all else fails, the boot. What does Lara have? A couple of uzis, suitable for putting small dogs out of their misery. Even if Lara somehow manages to dodge all this heavy artillery, there's still gonna be some HUGE splash damage.

2. Manuverability. Okay, Lara can jump, climb, do backflips, and other general acrobatics. However, Duke's got a jetpack. No matter how good Lara is, she's still going to be restricted to the ground. Duke just lazily flies above her, and drops a couple of sticky bombs that he got off of his good friend Lo Wang. BOOM! No more Lara.

3. Experience. I don't care what Hotbranch says, Lara has no expirience in fighting human beings. You know why? NO MULTIPLAYER! Her skills will be limited to firing at Duke while backing up. Duke, on the other hand, is experienced in the art of Dukematch. He'll just circle-strafe her, wait for her to run out of ammo, and finish her off with the mighty boot just to humiliate her and ground her into the dust like the hussy she really is.

4. Real life counterparts. Right now, we're on our third Lara. Supermodels eventually get disgusted with such a fantasy character, and quickly quit and join convents. There is only ONE duke, John St. John. Which is cooler, an anorexic supermodel or a DJ? The choice is clear. Vote Duke

- video game junkie

Gee, I already wasted my childhood on video games. I didn't know I was expected to waste my twenties on them too, to be qualified to rate this match.

A simple appeal to reality will resolve the matter. Duke's physique, while perhaps a bit wishful, is still within the realm of realistic body-images. Lara, on the other hand, is built only as something with no actual physical existence can be built. Go look at her. She'd snap at the waist if she turned too fast or bent forward--and it's tough to see how she wouldn't be bending forward, if you follow me. Lara is a hothouse flower, and Duke's just too chillin' to let her get out alive.

Mayhem and destruction win yet again -- as if that were ever in doubt. This is WWWF Ground Zero™, after all.

- Call me Shane

Duke Nukem HAS to win this match,becuase he drinks toilet water to replenish his energy. TOILET WATER! Sure,he smashes them before guzzling down,but he has some real guts to do that.

- Overlord

What a joke this match is. Lara Croft's advantages are the fact that she that she can run, jump, and climb on platforms and that she is a woman. However, none of these are really applicable here. Duke was originally a 2D side-scrolling platform game meaning he can match Lara Croft on those grounds. Secondly, take a look at Lara Croft. A good look. Look up from those grotesquely square monstrosities passing themselves off as "breasts" at take a good look at her face. If you do, you will see it's obvious that Lara Croft is a man! Perhaps he is a transexual who thinks he looks "pretty", but as soon as Duke gets close he'll see the truth and finish off that horror.

- Joel Mathis - (Really! I mean, her lips are twice as big as her fingers! She's disgusting!)

What the hell kinda name is Lara anyway? It sounds to me as if Miss Laurie Croft decided to make her name cuter to try to be different. She probably started with "Lauri", with the dot above the 'i' a little heart. Then she moved on to Lara, but decided that was too formal and sounded snootie. Then "Lara" was born, different enough to be cute, but not different enough to be strange. I bet she even places a smiley face in the 'o' of her last name.

The name (or nickname) Duke isn't a whole lot better. I bet that Duke is really the original "Boy Named Sue".

- Weird Uncle Dave

Ouch. This is a pretty close one. In the end, though, I gotta give it to the Duke. What follows is a list of reasons that we'll see a mass-suicide of every intensely horny nerdboy ever to fire up a Playstation and salivate at Lara's cybernetic hooters.

Duke is from back in the day. Have you ever played the first Duke Nukem? I mean, the REALLY first one? We're talking EGA here! 2D side-scroller stuff! The man has experience in a low-res environment.
Compared to him, Lara is a complete newbie on the scene. And as everybody knows, just like anything lite sucks, newbies suck @ss.

Duke is well-muscled, but proportionate. He can swim. He can fly with a jetpack. He deals with a very 3D environment, and is used to handling everything from teleporters to space travel.
Lara...well. Wanna know how to take Lara down? Trip her. Laugh as she wriggles around like a turtle while trying to get up, held down by the bowling balls she's superglued to her chest. Insert Bullet A into Cranium B. Reload. Repeat.

Fan Support.
One might very well think that Lara has it over Duke here. But let's remember the REASON that each character is popular.

Lara is popular because she's got the Grand Tetons on her torso.
Duke is popular because he blows $hit up.

If placed in a room with ten of their fanboys:
Lara would probably get gangbanged.
Duke would have cover fire.

Without their fan base:
Lara would remain on the Playstation, but as systems progress, old console systems are left behind. (Do you still play YOUR old NES a lot?)
Duke would continue to go on to bigger and better things, due to his fan base belonging on that which will always evolve but never die: the computer.

Freeze gun, off the Pong paddle, over the Mario Bros., reflected off of the Breakout wall, nothing but breast.

- Istanbul

Seeing a stacked female in a skimpy outfit, Duke does what comes naturally: he walks up to her, holds out a dollar bill, and then starts kicking her repeatedly.

"That had to hurt" he intones. Glancing at his reflection in a mirror to make certain his appearance remains untouched, he mutters. "Women. Aliens. On days like these, I think I prefer aliens..."

- Eugene

I would have to vote for Lara because Paul,like Duke,can't spell Antarctica right......

- CaptSheridan

Lara being English has this silly attatchment to the Aristocracy. So not only will she genuflect in front of a Duke, but she'll pay for his housing and a stipend for all his slighlty inbred children. The Duke takes this one.

- ZoomZip

Lara will put her guns away and seduce Duke into getting the intervision for her.

Of course being that close to a real man for the first time in a long time, Lara will probrably invite Duke home and Winston will be making tea for two as Lara and Duke make the next action hero:

Rigel and Niki NukeCroft: They're twins, they're british-americans, They kill aliens, blow stuff up, and save long lost aritifacts!

- 35 year-old game programer, and CEO of Virgin-anynomous

Duke Nukem fires, hits Lara in the chest the resulting explosion of silicon kills everything in a 500 yard radius including Duke who has been hit by the uzi anyway. Four hours later the greatest computer game hero of all time arrives and claims the prize...thats right Liesure Suit Larry!!!

- Claymore

I could never get the color right on Tomb Raider so I never played it.

Duke Nukem added an extra year to my degree.

Gotta give this one to the Duke.

- Complete Fool

Duh-duh-dunt, duh-duh-duh-duh-dunt, duh-duh-duh-duh...

The last thing Lara hears. Duke's infamously Mentos-Cool (tm) music.

Hotbranch!, explain to the master of RAGE!!!(tm) why Lara has RAGE!!!(tm)? She wouldn't know RAGE(tm) if it went straight through her gut and ripped her in half. Which it will. Duke's gonna unload two barrels of buckshot through her fragile, wimpy body, stand over the pitiful remains, and kick a field goal with her head.

And you call her weapons ADVANCED? An M16 to a shrink ray? Let me think on that...

In short, Lara's head mounted on Duke's wall, Luigi and Mario wake up to kick Duke's ass for trying to stop them, then Gordon Freeman caps them and takes the Intellivision, unless Link's around...

And Brendan, why do you dodge me? Face me in a Grudgematch, mano y mano. And to my other fans, I AM teaming with Tristian. Believe it or not...

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee and Lara Croft Killa...

Hey, by-the-by.... neither of these 34 million-bit wannabe's is remotely worthy of even gazing upon the Intellivision of Power. I OWN the original system, and I can tell you that 3 Hours of Burger Time not only beats the Holy-Freaking-'A'(tm) out of Croft or Nukem, it takes the Cake(tm) against any other system out there.... Except for PSX2, which may actually rival the gameplay and graphix of the system that started it all, the Mighty, Mighty Intellivision. And if any one wants a free game at my house, just for old times... forget it, it'll cost ya 10 bucks a pop. ^_^ So get in line, boys in girls- I'm starting a pot for the first guy or gal that can actually DESTROY that freaking Big Red Walker(tm) that closes your portals if it catches you in Tron(tm).... I could NEVER kill that thing! The Mem or ieeeeeeeessssssss! I-- I can't go on.... I have a tear....!

- D@t@-Kun

I was so inspired by this match that I wrote this haiku about why Lara will easily win this fight:

Duke may have big guns
But Lara's breasts will distract
And Croft will waste him

- El Weirdo

It doesn't matter who wins the fight. The winner will be stuck with a system which had so few titles that he will still be damned in hell for all eternity playing that accursed machine. argh!!!

The real winner is whoever LOSES the fight.

- Topcat

Intellivision = 2D. Which of our brave hero's was the KING (that's a hint) of the 2D world before he(another hint) moved into the third dimension. Lara doesn't know the first thing about 2D (Unless you consider DD and 2D the same thing). Duke wins in three minutes and 12 seconds and plays thirteen games of pong before going to sleep.

- Kicker

This is all very logical...

1. The majority of WWWF voters are male (from what I've seen).
2. The WWWF is on the internet.
3. Many (most) males who frequent the internet enough to argue about such ridiculous things as the average WWWF fight almost certainly have no (sex)life.
4. Lara Croft will get more votes due to the off-chance she might be seen naked when the results are posted.
5. Duke is Nuked.

- Bjmmn

Isn't Duke Nukem that Captain Planet super-villian that is radioactive?

No, of course not, but frankly, even if he isn't, this guy sounds like a real knuckle-head.

By the way, Paul, it is possible to run, jump, shoot guns, etc. with a D-cup. One just has to use the proper suport bra, and believe me, they are out there. Those things can be like an iron cage. In fact, I propose that Ms. Croft's mammaries are actually defensive, and can repel gunfire... :->

- Jaid Diah

Lara: The treasure is mine.
Duke: Eat me.
Lara: -Deleted-
Duke: OK so I'll eat you!
(Zzzap from shrinker)
Duke 1 , Lara 0

- Krazy Kat

I'd have to agree with Hotbranch! here on this one, about Duke's noticing Lara's...body armor and the split second distraction which would mean the demise of Duke Nukem...
But this match pits two of the three Dark Side of the Grudge" lords. Therefore, I must cast my vote for Both Mangled or Killed".
Don't ask me how. I think it has to something to do with the Griffon Master" and his cool fusion light saber (see Tristan & Devin vs. the Dark Side and Devin's Kung Fu" action

Defeat the Dark Side of the STGF" and win!!!

One more question, what happens when Mentos-level coolness" and the Rage" join forces?

- Tristan "The Griffon Master" Pratt

Are you guys on crack? Lara doesn't stand a chance. Why? Because she doesn't know what she's doing.

Really. Have any of you ever tried playing Tomb Raider 3? It took me a half hour to figure out how to pick something up off the floor (and I was never able to repeat the feat). That is a basic action, something that shouldn't be that difficult to do. If it is, Lara has a serious problem, since if she can't pick something up, how the hell does she get her clothes on in the morning, let alone fight?

Also, HotBranch! listed Lara's lack of technology as an asset. Are you nuts? Under that reasoning, a monkey with a stick could kill a man driving a tank. Likewise, Duke, with his superior technology will destroy the grossly underequipped Lara.

Finally, Lara's hand-eye coordination sucks. How do you lose at Pong? Especially when the ball is moving as slowly as it was in the video? If Lara doesn't have the hand-eye coordination to win at Pong, she lacks the ability to do something else requiring hand-eye coordination, namely SHOOTING.

Duke rips his way through alien shock-soldiers like they were Twinkies. With that kind of smacketty-ass ability, Lara is simply overmatched in a fight. GAME OVER.

- The Archimage

What about a million monkeys with a million sticks? What happens to your beloved tank driver then? - HB!

No! I will not vote on this match! I can not vote on this match! Are you people out of your minds? These two can never be put in a match! It's like plaids and polka dots! It doesn't work! It's like Bulls vs. Bears, when both were good (daaaaaaaaaa bears! Daaaaaaaaaa bulls!)! It would only cause the destruction of everything in the universe! Life as we know it would be over! Nothing would survive!

Oh, wait. That was your main goal. Never mind. On with the carnage!

- Kopper Golyathe, formerly Juan Cortez

I had to go with Lara on this one. I mean Duke is a walking, talking, shooting can of whoop-ass(tm). But his idea of solving a problem is nuke it until it glows. Normally this would work but you have to realize something that both comentators overlooked. Lara's breasts can't be natural because gravity would affect them, which we know is not true they bounce too much, they are too firm, they are just soo.........

Sorry I got a little distracted. Anyway her breasts must be the product of a technology so advanced not even Duke as ever seen its equal. I mean we are talking anti-grav, super bouncy, extra resillent breasts must be the product of a society so advanced that they have nothing better to do with thier time then invent the perfect pair. Lara is fair, so she has never used her superior technology against inferior oppoents but Duke is a bit more advanced.

End result Duke dies with a stupid grin on his face when Lara's breasts animate and smother him a la T1000 (tm)

- Spam Boy (I'm back did anyone miss me??)

And I thought the last match was bad... [sigh]

Okay, painfully contrived match between the guy who filled the time until Quake came out and the Chronic Masturbater's Poster Child. Wonderful. Assuming Duke isn't tied up in legal battles from poorly plagiarizing Clint Eastwood, and Lara can stand up under the weight of her own breasts... Hrmmm... [jots a few figures down on a convenient napkin]... considering the Uzi's rate of fire... [nods as he reaches a conclusion]. All things considered, I still couldn't give a fuck.

I'd have to conclude these recent matches are part of an elaborate ploy to ruin the Poobah's popularity and so set up for a coup d'grudge. The alternative is that it's time for the franchise rights to revert to Steve and BrianTM.

Bad panel! Bad, bad, bad panel!
--Rosencrantz, critic at large

- Where's that John Tesh v. David Hasselhoff match we're all waiting for?

This was a no brainer for me. Even though Nukem might have the advantage in firepower, he just doesn't have the brains of Lara. I mean you don't need brains to charge at a bunch of giant mutants in a post holcost era. Sure Lara Croft can fight with any man, but fighting's only half the job in treasure hunting; Lara's solved traps and puzzles, even out smarted gangsters. And for the a-formentioned cup sise of miss Croft, seeing the woeman on Duke Nukem games leads me to the conclusion that Nukem is a breast man; he'll go uncontrolablt ga ga at the site of Lara's cleavage, leaving him vunerable to the attack. SO here's how it's going down; Nukem will be blasting away full bore(his only tactic) with his heavy weaponry but will never have his full attention on Lara(ok maybe Lara's BREATS, but it's hard to shoot and stare at the same time. Well for a man of his I.Q. it will be.) Then a coulpe of flips here and a tumble there, then BANG! No more Duke Nukem.

- Sailor Xena

It all comes down to who is the most popular.

Duke Nukem - Computer game (haven't heard of him in anything else)

Lara Croft - Now we're talking. Computer game, Lucozade ads, a page in one of those generic woman's magazines where models dressed up like her and talk of a movie.

Lara kicks Duke's butt!

Hopefully if a movie gets made it will be called 'Lara Hunts Jar Jar'

- Nicky Lewer

Guys, there is but one compelling argument here: PMT(TM), the most powerful and terrifying force in the universe as i'm sure men the world over will agree.

It's true! Even the mighty RAGE (TM) cannot stand against this most dangerous of foes. PMT (TM) has had men trembling in their bedrooms the world over, and is as ancient as female kind.

Can you immagine what will happen as the Duke blows in the doors to be confronted with a Lara Croft who has discovered that after hours of painstaking research, days of trekking through wilderness and a couple of close calls with booby traps, she faces the possibility of loosing to this neaderthal with a gun.

Duke's wimping out the door with "sorry, wrong house" in 0.2 seconds If (and that's a big if)all his necessary appendages are still attatched.

- "Guess What Time Of The Month It Is" Guildenstern

Though I voted for Duke (Hail to the king, baby), neither will win. The Intellivision of Power(tm) is actually in my closet at my house.

- Dark Fact

We're sending the chick with the calculator watch and her fanboys to reclaim the Intellivision of Power™. - Eds.

Hell man, some dudes would pay top dollar to be beaten by Lara. Why should Duke be any different.

- Johnny

I'd say who's bust is bigger is arguable here, but Lara's got something going for her that Duke doesn't: She has ALWAYS been animated by more than only 5 pixels. If Lara reminded Mr. Nukem of his EARLY days, from his original series of side-scroller games, and remarked that Pac-Man would be a more fitting equal for him, it would just be too much for his steroid-enhanced ego to bare, and he'd be in the corner clutching a rifle like a blanky and sucking his thumb within minutes.

Either that or they'd have a mexican stand-off while a CG-rendered Indiana Jones, the REAL world's most famous archeologist, snatched the prize and rode off into the sunset.

- MonkeyDog Da da da da, da da da... da da da-da, da da da--da--da...

"Oh, you mean back away, like this?" Duke asks, not considering the young woman to be much of a threat. He takes a single step into the smoke-filled chamber...

...instantly activating one of the traps near the door. Before he can fire a shot, the floor drops out from beneath him, sending him to his doom a thousand feet below.

Lara laughs. "Bloody rube." She turns to the artifact, resting on an altar high above the cavern floor. "Just too easy," she snickers. The Intellivision is all hers.

But, before she can reach the fabled prize, an explosion rocks the enormous vault, and the ceiling begins to cave in. Fearing another trap, Lara backs away... Through the rubble, an almost-human figure, cloaked in a suit of red and gold titanium, drops from the ceiling. The fall, nearly a hundred feet, does absolutely nothing to faze this cyborg-like creature, who touches gracefully down among the wreckage. It rises to its feet, revealing its towering height and scanning the room for signs of danger.

"Well now," Lara intones, "seems Im getting more popular all the time." This time, she doesnt ask questions. She levels an Uzi, taking a shot at the cyborg with deadly accuracy.

The shot connects, direct center. The cyborg takes a single step back, and glares emotionlessly at Lara's slight form. Without a word, the cyborg lifts its right arm, and fires the attached blaster cannon, its crackling blue energy streaking across the cavern. The icy blast wracks Laras body, sending chills throughout her system, leaving her a shivering mass on the floor. The cyborg steps over wordlessly, using its only hand to lift Lara up by the neck until their gazes are level.

Through a quivering haze, Lara can see the eyes of another woman behind the cyborgs green visor. "So, Lara last we meet." She applies pressure to the pencil-thin neck, cutting off Laras already rasping breath. "Did I ever mention what a fan I am? A pity our encounter has to short..."

The cyborg squeezes until she hears the telltale SNAP, then drops the body onto the cold ground. With a quadruple backflip that would have put the late Lara to shame, she vaults over to the altar, taking up the artifact in her metal-sheathed left hand.

Samus Aran, the galaxys most deadly female bounty hunter, the number one woman of the video game, has triumphed again. "Well," she mutters under her helmet, "I gotta pay the bills somehow before I finally make my big comeback."

She takes the time to kick the corpses of Mario and Luigi before deftly dodging the traps by the main entrance.

- -Samus

...What, you thought I was gonna let THIS one slip by?
Death to Lara Croft!!

It's obvious that Duke is going to win this one. His very name gives him all the power he needs to defeat Lara Croft. Just think about it: can you name one person named Duke who ever loses? Perhaps a few historical examples would be in order.

First we have the grand old Duke of York, who (as we know from the rhyme) had an army of 10,000 men. He would march them up to the top of the hill and march them down again. Such precise control of an army that size is unimaginable - it is his title of Duke that gives him such power.

And then, of course, there are the Dukes of Hazzard. I don't get to watch the show much because Nitro's always on at the same time, but I know that Bo and Luke Duke never get in too much trouble for anything. They always get away and they always get the girl because they have those four letters in thier names: D-U-K-E.

If Lara knows what good for her she'll change her name to Olympia Dukakis while she has some blood left in her...

- The Black Shadow - Duke of the Night

Females will always defeat males when placed head-to-head. Lara is smaller and quicker than Duke (giving her an agility advantage) and this battle is taking place in a cavern, which is very easy for her to naviagte. The most important fact, however, is the mental edge Lara has on Duke. While they are battling, she will most likely hit him with a barrage of insults. She could even throw in a pointless story or thought puzzle if she wanted. Duke, being male, wont stand for anyone talking smack to him and will try to make a comeback, which of course will be pitifull and/or easily responded to by Lara. Duke will eventually become frustrated, and everyone knows that when you let your anger take control, you're as good as defeated (and for anyone who wants to argue this point, when was the last time you won a verbal war with a female? We are masters of the craft.).

- Virdilak, loyal follower of the Hotbranch!

Okay. First, I must make it quite clear that normally I would see it fit to,in whatever way, see that Lara Croft was destroyed. Why? Her similarity to Barbie obviously. (I envy that bitch.) However, one look at that . . . that thing they call Duke Nukem, and Lara became one of my favorite video game characters.

From here on out I will be regailing you with reasons that Lara will kick Duke's synthetic testosterone enhanced ass.

Duke is on something serious. Steriods, stimulants, depresants, random drugs that lower IQ and never should have slipped past the FDA, and other random highly unnecessary things that just make him and his bleached blonde hair even less appealing. Lara's figure however, was not enhanced as is evidenced by the fact that her hips are almost as bad as her bust. This brings me to my next point. Anyone who can find _any_ clothes for a figure like that must be talented. Duke? um . . . was he wearing something? All I could see was the damned sunglasses. Anyone whose watched Indianna Jones knows that in entertainment, archeological finds are covered with booby traps. Can Duke Nukem whose reason and logic extends about as far as the trigger is from the barrel survive this? Nooooo. Can Lara who is trained in such, has extensive field experience, and *shudder* researched it? Yeeees. Finnally I get to the artillary. In the words of the estemed Cpt. Peirce, "The mortar merrier." Duke has heavy, oversized crap (avoiding word 'equiptment' at all costs.) that doesn't aim easily and takes FOREVER to load. Not to mention the recoil on those puppies. Lara has two nice easily concealed (not that she bothers to conceal much of anything) handguns that will get the job done crisply and cleanly without destoying a good percentage of the integral structure of the cave.

The meaning of all this ranting? As a very close friend would put it, "Duke go BOOM!!!" Lara gets Intellevision, and then, once it's certain ol' Duke is ancient history (sorry, couldn't resist) I will be using a Barbie as a voodoo doll.

- Master Ariadne, Mara Jade, Endaira, Jezabel, and all the rest of us trapped inside this sick excuse for a mind.

DUKE Nukem. DUKE?! Yes it is true. Duke is really the Duke(TM), only pumped up with steriods(TM) since its the ninties. John Wayne(TM) was bullet proof in his original incarnation, hell he might even be a match for Dare I say it yes I do:SUPERMAN(TM). Think what mutations hes aquired in the grave from radiation. Plus he lost to Clint Eastwood(mumble curse). Yes that brings in the orrated but effective RAG(TM) Wayne has been around forever and has 743646382 fatalilities. His pumped up, shoot-em', steriod enchanced, super-powered ass incarnation of John Wayne cannot lose!

- Captain Demento

Using a completely airtight and comprehensible theory, I will now explain why Lara Croft will reign victorious over the steroid goon...

(What's this? Reading the Results file from Nimoy/Palance vs. Walsh/Stack tells me that Captain Demento is out to steal my sedation. Quickly! I must out-confuse him! It's my only chance!)

Er, BUM!

(Heh. That should do the trick. They'll never figure out that I voted for Lara simply because the girl they based her on, as seen in the November issue of Maxim, turns me on...What? Damn the lack of inner monologue! I'm ruined! RUINED!)

- Vlad, Chairman, the "Sedate Vlad!" organization, of Wonder

Alright, first of all, I'd just like to say that I hate both characters. Lara is just some scantily-clad woman with oversized breasts. Hell, I'm surprised she can stand up straight. I say one second into the match, her back will give and she'll flat on her back with no way to get up. And why do people play Tomb Raider? Cuz they are drooling fanboys who like ogling at her. The game sucks. And Duke? Please. All the guy can think about is sex, sex, and more sex. One look at Lara and he'll drop his guns and start staring at her huge breasts.

So in other words, nothing's going to happen.

What we have to look at here is reinforcements.

Heading over to the 3D Realms site, that damn site took forever to load up. And I have cable modem. God, this has got to be the longest time I've ever had to wait for something to load up. If their website is this bad, no wonder their games suck. Hell, I timed out just trying to load up the page with all of their products.

Shadow Warrior
Basically, it's exactly the same as Duke Nukem except it uses a lot of Oriental sterotypes. Man, I'm Chinese and this game pissed the hell out of. And don't give me any of that s*** about not having a sense of humour; this game was damn offensive and the worst thing was that 3DRealms refused to admit it and merely brushed aside any complaints! The damn pricks! So screw you, 3DRealms. Just because of this one game, most Oriental people are now seriously pissed and all of the characters from games made in Japan (ie. practically all of the good ones). Are now against Duke. That means Duke is up against all of the characters from pretty much every fighting game (ie. Street Fighter 2, Samurai Shodown, King of Fighters, etc). Duke might be able to ally with the characters from Mortal Kombat and Killer Instinct, but those games blow goats so they're not going to be much help. Also, you'll have character from games from companies such as Capcom, Konami, SquareSoft, etc, coming at you that you'll have no chance in hell of winning. However, let's ignore Shadow Warrior, since that game doesn't help Duke at all.

Alright, looking at the rest of their games, they all suck. Let's just look at a few of them.

Commander Keen.
Please. Don't even let me start on that one. Moving on.

Wolfenstein 3D
Actually, this game was pretty good. Old, but good. However, considering that the guy doesn't know how to look up, that's going to one hell of a problem for him. And I'm assuming that this game took place during World War 2, so he's probably in some nursing home. He's not going anywhere.

Rise of the Triads
Another 3D shoot'em up game. Never played it before, but I heard it was decent. However, looking at the games "features", this in number two: "Ten unique, real digitized enemies (actual Apogee employees!)" Yeah, like Apogee employees would be really hard to kill if I was decked out with guns and rocket launchers. If this is number two on their features list, I don't want to know what number three and on are.

Alright, I'll admit this was a fun game. However, in the game you're flying around in a plane shooting stuff. How's that going to help in a cave in a mountain?

Well, looking at most of the drek the 3D Realms has (and I had to look at Apogee games for some help), it looks like Duke's going to be all by himself. Now on to what Eidos has to offer.

Looking at the Eidos website, first thing I noticed that they're coming out with a Braveheart game. A bunch of angry scotsmen can be pretty intimidating, but the only problem is that the games not out yet, so their out of the picture. Probably too busy getting drunk and taking on the English Soccer (or Football, take your pick) Hooligans that beat the French army.

Commados: Behind Enemy Lines and Commandos: Beyond the Call of Duty.
Now what we have here are a bunch of commandos (duh) going around behind enemy lines killing Nazis in World War 2. Cool stuff. However, they may have been an elite fighting force back then, I don't know if they'll cut it now. Yeah, sure, they may know how to sneak up on you and slit your throat 100 different ways, but their old, retired veterans of the war, like the guy in Wolfenstein 3D. There's no way they can help now.

Thief: the Dark Project
This has potential. Basically, you're a thief named Garrett and you sneak around stealing stuff. Cool. He could probably just sneak in there and steal the Intellivision and be off. However, the game takes place in a Medeival setting, I believe. So therefore, I'm sure he's unfamiliar with night-vision goggles, trip bombs, etc. But I forgot that in Duke, the trip bombs have a stupid laser that you can see. Who's the idiot that designed this thing? Well, Garret will probably be able to make his way through the maze of lasers, but will get caught by the night-vision goggles that Duke's wearing. Actually, do they even have that in the game? I forget. Ah who cares. Let's just give Duke this one.

Deathtrap Dungeon
What the hell is with fantasy games that have women wearing as little armor as possible? How the hell is that suppose to protect you??? Well anyways, more cleavage for Duke to drool at. Next.

Final Fantasy VII
Alright we can stop here. Even though Eidos didn't make this game, they were the ones who brought the PC version over here, so I'd say that they could use them for help. I loved this game, so obviously, I'm going to hype it up. Duke is dead. He doesn't have a chance. First of all, Cloud and company will start using powerful magic like Comet and Ultima. They have materia that will let them cast multiple spells at a time or attack more. And if that doesn't take out Duke, then they also have a whole slew of creatures to summon to help them in their battle. Neo Bahamut, Leviathin, Odin, Knights of the Round, Alexandre, are to name a few. And if THAT doesn't take him out, he can just try taking on the various forms of Weapon. And if THEY don't take him out, then that huge cannon that Shinra has, the Sister Ray, will blow him away. I don't care who he is, he's dead.
Plus, Aerith (or Aeris, whatever) rules. I don't care if she dies in the game. She's NOT really dead!

Actually, why the hell are Cloud and all of them helping that bimbo Lara? Forget it. Cloud and his friends win the Intellivision. And if Lara objects, then Tifa can easily beat the crud out of her with her limit breaker.

- Redeemer

Who thought up this match anyway? I suppose you like to jump on Chihuahas to do you, you sick bastard.

- Tomb Raider IV: The Many Deaths of Duke Nukem

Nah. We just squeeze them like Charmin™. That's why their eyes bulge, honest! - Eds.

The reason I voted for Lara was becuase this battle was done, but in another form. Check out this link and you'll see how a ridiculously armed walking munitions bunker of a macho soldier was beaten by a lady who causes people who have never seen real women in their life to drool incessantly. How? By the one thing that he actually uses for thinking - right below the belt.

The match ends with Duke clutching the family jewels that weren't shining so brightly in the first place (whaddya expect, he's on more steroids than you can shake Arnold Schwarzzenegger at), and Lara walks away smiling. Besides, if Lara can't beat Pong, what makes you think Duke is any smarter? Hell, I bet a chimp playing checkers can beat him at Pong.

- General Kaos

From a woman who knows what its like to have a *large* chest, anyone who can do what Lara Croft can do with a chest that large can beat anyone's ass.

- Lee (Trust me, I know)

WOW! A match truly worthy of the Grudge Match...

The winner of this match is not an issue. Duke Nukem all the way. Why? Simple. Remember when you finish the third episode of Duke Nukem 3D? The chick who says, "Duke, come back to bed...?" Believe it or not, that's Lara Croft! Ok, she's using an American accent, but it's her, I can guarantee it. She won't kill her lover, out of sentimentality, but he wants the intellivision... Duke can have any woman he wants, so what's Lara Crotch to him?

Lara's grim countenance softens, she lowers her guns, walks over with a seductive look... and gets turned into a block of ice by Duke's freeze-ray. He then takes a shovel, turns her into little bits o'Lara, and gets the intellivision... And then finds a woman whose breasts have real curves, not polygons... Geez, wasn't this obvious?

- Squidboy of the Windy City

God gave man two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time. Lara wins.

- squiggy mcjackass

The Duke has gotta win this one...its just too damn much fun to have Lara dive off a cliff onto solid rock. SNAP!!!

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

Lara all the way, and hopefull the fight will involve lots of jumping up and down.

- Typical Male Pig

Lets see what these fighters have going for them, shall we?
Duke Nukem: An arsenal of ridiculously large guns.
Lara Croft: Ridiculously large breasts.
Duke Nukem: Boasts about sleeping with many beautiful ladies.
Lara Croft: Many computer geeks dream of sleeping with her.
Duke: Possibly a little homer-sexual
Lara: Has better things to do with her time.
Duke: Vocabulary consists of catch phrases and one liners from old movies.
Lara: Really big breasts.
Duke: Intellect comparable to a bag of unsalted peanuts. (not honey roasted, he can't compete with those).
Lara: Really big breasts.

So in short (and really big) I vote for Lara's breasts.

- Stuporman

Holy Shneikies!! I've never seen such a close match!! At the time I submitted my vote, the totals were 1,013 for Duke, and 1,014 for Croft. I voted for Duke, to make things really interesting. I've always been of the opinion that my vote doesn't matter, and that one vote cannot make much difference. But I need to thank you, GroundZero Grudgies, for reaffirming my beliefs in democracy and the power of the people. Thank you, GroundZero. Thank you.

- Adam B.

This match is set in a place that probably follows Atari Law. For those of you who don't recall, Atari usually didn't bother with such niceties as endings and "fair and balanced gameplay". No, these games just got more difficult as you went along and if it couldn't beat you by sheer number, then by God it'd cheat!

Seeing as how PokeMon inhabit this temple it's safe to assume other characters from the 90s are here as well. As the reader is no doubt well aware, all mystical items have some sort of equally mystical guardian. Only one creature had the evil programmers necessary to fill the qualifications set forth by Atari: The Ruby Weapon from FF7. Now the only reason anybody attempts to beat Ruby or Emerald is for bragging rights, considering that these monsters mind their own business and there is no other reason to bother them. Therefore Duke, King of Machismo, will charge in guns blazing in an attempt to destroy the thirty or forty-foot tall, nigh invulnerable Ruby and will be on the receiving end of the one of the worst asskickings since the Germans invaded Poland. Lara will simply walk around the behemoth and collect her prize.

- Ubiq

Lara in a landslide, due to only one factor. Fanboys (TM).

Duke has no Fanboys. Lara was created by Fanboys.

I know the awesome power of Fanboys first-hand - at the first sign of trouble for Lara, they will rush to her rescue, overwhelming Duke with sheer numbers (and possibly a few working Star Wars (tm) lightsabers).

And besides, Lara's tank top is bulletproof. It has to be.

- Mary :)
The Chick with the Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi

Lara wins, hands down.
I know that there are a lot of fanboys out there that have never even talked to a girl, but when you do things like shoot at them, it pisses them off...and there is nothing more dangerous, deadly or tenicious than a pissed off woman. I know everyone here at grudgematch knows about THE RAGE...WOMEN invented it.
Duke's toast.
Won't even know what hit him.

- Rob

Ulp! I may have cast the deciding vote in this match, and it's for the wrong person!

When I voted, I knew little about either the Duke or Lara. I had little info besides the commentaries, and did not feel a soft spot for either. I voted for the Duke because two pistols, even pistols with infinite ammo, did not seem like a match for something that can blow in a double door with one shot--even allowing Lara more agility and more intelligence. How can Lara fight a directional H-bomb, even knowing it is one?

Since then, I have heard new info. My source had a (very) passing acquaintance with the Duke, and a budding friendship with Lara. He informs me that, while the Duke has super-normal weapons with wide blast ranges, his aim is not so extraordinary. But Lara is a crack shot; if her weapon is pointing in the right direction, she *will* hit her target. Given what she was aiming at, it's likely that whoever gets off the first shot will win; since she was aiming before he was, she could have won....

Don't ask what happened in there.

- Artless Dodger


The Final Word

Freeze gun, off the Pong paddle, over the Mario Bros., reflected off of the Breakout wall, nothing but breast.

- Istanbul

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Ellen Ripley v. Sarah Connor
Six Million Dollar Man v. RoboCop
John McClane v. The Death Star

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Next match: So much sugar, you're going to want to vomit...
ETA: Wednesday, August 18th.

© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC