Near the 'Hundred Acre Woods (where Christopher Robin plays):
"Christopher Robin? Oh bother, where could he be?" asks Winnie the Pooh as he meanders through Christopher Robin's house.
The tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff stumbles into the laundry room. As he nears the clothesbasket, another stuffed bear jumps out.
"Why, halloo," giggles Pooh. "Who are you?"
"I'm Snuggles the fabric softener bear," the other bear replies. "Why are you in my laundry room?"
"I'm looking for Christopher Robin," Pooh sighs. "Have you seen him?"
"Nope. Haven't seen him," answers Snuggles. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm playing in some guy's fresh towels."
"But I haven't checked behind the washing machine."
"No need. I already told you he isn't here. Be Gone. Don't let the door hit ya where God stitched ya."
As Pooh nudges to check the rest of the room, Snuggles tries to push him out. Sadly, death seems the only resolution to this problem.
So, John, which plush pelt will pulverized it's pillowed opponent?
JOHN: Hey, gang. Sure is good to be back after time off recuperating from the "karaoke incident". Seems someone spiked my drink and I ended up taking out three cops with my rendition of Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover. Kids, learn from my example. Karaoke is not a toy. Respect it as you would any powerful tool.
Anyways, let's all give it up one time for Snuggles, who's going to be taking Pooh to the cleaners. The first of our little hints today is that Winnie's nickname is slang for fecal material. Hey, who you gonna call on for the big fight? Winnie the ass product? Winnie the Lincoln Log? Winnie the Wolf Bait? (Oh, I could sit around here all day spouting off toilet humor, but then again I don't want to take food out of HotBranch!'s mouth.)
The other thing about Winnie and company is that they all talk like something out of a Noel Coward play. "Oh, bother!". "Oh, Piglet, don't be so beastly." "Oh, Christopher Robin, quit being such a cad and fetch me my absinthe!". And we all know from Peanut-Pop'n'fresh that upper class British twits always lose to blue collar working types (in this case, Snuggles' job literally involves softening and eliminating static cling from said blue collar).
Which brings me to my final point: what's Pooh made of? Fabric. Snuggles will soften that fabric so goddam much he'll be able to bend over and see his ass being kicked from pillar to post. Same thing with Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore and all Pooh's other friends, except for Christopher Robin. And for God's sake, nobody is afraid of an emaciated five year-old boy, except of course for Mark Wentz and we'll be hearing from him later.
In the end, after everyone's favorite solvent-sniffing, fabric-softening bear has made yet another successful conquest, we get to see why all the ladies call him "Snuggles". Cue the fade to black.
MARK: Jeepers, Mr. Potty-Mouth! Save a little disk space for the rest of us! You can warn us about the evils of Karaoke (like the rest of us need to be warned) when you do your court-ordered Public Service Announcements. And, speaking of announcements, did I miss the one where we were informed that dialect is now a factor in a fight? Martin Short will be unstoppable!!!
New flash, skippy: Ol' Snuggles is made of fabric, too. The difference is that Snuggles has spent its entire existence around fabric softener whereas Pooh has not. Therefore, the entity of softness is Snuggles, not Pooh. Pooh is probably coarse like all those Winnie-the-Poohs in nurseries across the world, caked with baby drool. Snuggles will end up like one's fingers when one hasn't played guitar for a while and then picks up a steel-string: shredded. Oh, but you wouldn't know about that. You have to resort to Karaoke night for your musical expression. Snuggles isn't callused enough to absorbed Pooh's attack
If my defending Winnie-the-Pooh means I fear him, does that mean you fear Snuggles? (That might explain your evenings spent at the bar singing Sophie B. Hawkins tunes.) Pooh is a stuffed animal. Snuggles is a softer and smaller stuffed animal. I don't fear Winnie-the-Pooh, but Snuggles should.
JOHN: Oh, there's plenty of reason to fear Snuggles, all right. Why else do you think he made the Dogbert New Ruling Class Enemies List? If these future rulers of the world see something so frightening about him that causes them to call for his immediate liquidation, then you bet your Jackie Rogers Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad that there's something to it.
While Pooh grows fat and lazy snacking on honey and frolicking in the Hundred Acre Woods, Snuggles to this point has led a tortured existence, living inside the cramped confines of a washer/dryer combo, having detergent poured on him daily and having to endure rinse cycle after endless rinse cycle. This is similar to the methods used to train pit bulls to be vicious killers, except that eventually pit bulls get to nosh on some Kibbles and/or Bits. All Snuggles gets to do is to lick the caked-on residue from the washer lining. Look into his eyes, Mark - those giggles aren't good-natured at all, but the cry of sulfonate-induced madness!
Oh, and who's more likely to have his performance affected by fabric softener, the first-time user or the habitual addict? Why, the newbie of course. The Snugster has built up a resistance over the years, and probably downs a belt of the blue stuff like a whiskey shot before entering any fight.
No contest here - Snuggles is gonna emulsify Pooh's ass. Yep, that's Snuggles for you - breakin' necks and still cashin' seven-figure checks!
MARK: I didn't realize fabric softener was so addictive. I'll take your word for it. (You'd have to be high on SOMETHING to sing at Karaoke night.) But Snuggles isn't fabric softener--Snuggles has been laundered with fabric softener. If getting that high off softened fabric were possible, why are people buying cocaine and crack? We'd all already be incapacitated. At least, those of us who wash our clothes would be.
Only Snuggles would feel the effects of repeated washings and fabric softener exposure: worn fabric, blurred vision, memory loss, seizures, and strokes. With all that going against Snuggles already, Winnie's "Oh Bother" sigh would knock Snuggles over. Once Pooh belly flops (AKA "Honey Pot O' Death" in pro wrasslin' circles) Snuggles for a quick 1-2-3. Faster than you can Karaoke Izzy Stradlin's "Grunt," Winnie is the winner.
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History Section | Tell a friend about this match
Sirs, I knew Snuggles the fabric softener bear. Snuggles the fabric softener bear was a good friend of mine. And this, my friends, is NO Snuggles the fabric softener bear!!
I was in Vietnam. More specifically, I was accidentally enlisted in the top secret Logo Force. It's a little-known fact that, toward the end, the government sent out a wave of corporate logos in a last- ditch effort, figuring that, being logos, they couldn't get killed.
But Snuggles wasn't so lucky.
Snuggles and me were lanching a sneak attack with "Smokin' Joe" Camel and Bernie "The Count" Chocula. We almost made it, untilo we found their trap: a washing machine with a load of white sheets and a red baseball cap. Snuggles couldn't take it. As he dashed out to keep the sheets from getting tinged, a barrage of bullets rang out. Luckily for him, he dodged them, and made it safely to the machine. However, his tiny arms couldn't open it. We watched him struggle with it, until he pulled to hard and brought it crashing down on him (This, incidentally, gave Guy Getting Crushed By Vending Machine, who was also in our platoon, a job for life). We rushed over to save him, but we were too late.
"How're ya doin'" Joe asked between coughs.
"S-s-s-Snuggle fressshhh..." Snuggles then joined the Great Billboard in the Sky.
This, of course, caused a crisis at the Snuggle Corporation. They needed to find a replacement before the public noticed! They searched Snuggles' files, and, as luck would have it, he had an identical twin brother, a wino in LA.
I was at Snuggles' funeral, where his brother, Guido the Fabric Softener Bear (Who is the bear we've seen for the past twenty years), was a pallbearer. The guy couldn't lift a shoebox with a teddy bear in it, let alone knock out Pooh!
But forgetting all that: Come on, man, it's Pooh Bear! How hard can the decision be?!
- Vermin Boy
They put a red cap in with the white sheets? Is that why they're often referred to as "pinkos?" - Eds.
Once again the Grudge Miesters(tm) are up to their nefarious schemes. I claim this Grudge Match is just a metaphor for a much higher profile conflict. It's subtle, and a little sinister, but the evidence is damning. Consider:
Snuggles is a naïve, plush, young, cuddly, and yet still strangely repulsive flunky.
Pooh is tubby, rural, bumbling, of very little brain, and physically incapable of resisting a "honeypot," yet beloved by all.
This is about Monica and Bubba, isn't it?
Well, at least we all know how that one turned out. Snuggles needs the help of an expert seamstress to remove the cigar, and despite repeated (hypocritical) dry cleanings, never quite manages to remove the stain. Pooh has to fend off Kenneth Robin  and a very irate Hillary Rodham Piglet, but surprisingly is still as popular as ever. 
Now, the real question is - how long have the Grudge Miesters(tm) been spin-doctorin'?
 Christopher's evil older brother
 Despite apparently having no idea what "Stuffed with fluff" or "Pooh sticks" really mean.
I'd just like to say that, while my husband defended Bubba at first, he's appalled by Bubba's action and deserves your vote for President. - Tigger Gore
- Charge Man
One another note, Pooh really must win this. If he doesn't, I may have to rethink my new-found Taoist philosophies.
- Evan D.
Wait a second.
Does anyone know the gender of Snuggles? I didn't think so. So lets see...
Snuggles is, in fact, a bored housewife. As anyone who ever read Penthouse forum knows, this means only one thing. Let's revamp the scenario a bit: Why, halloo," giggles Pooh. "Who are you?" "I'm Snuggles the fabric softener bear," the other bear replies, in a voice dripping with syrup "Why are you in [pause] my laundry room?" "I'm looking for Christopher Robin," Pooh sighs, his eyes trailing downward. "Have you seen him?" "Nope. Haven't seen him," answers Snuggles, drawing close. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm playing in some guy's fresh towels. Care to join me?" "But I haven't checked behind the washing machine." "Good idea. I'll come with you. It's very dark back there, and we could get lost for hours." As Pooh nudges to check the rest of the room, Snuggles leaps on top of him. Sadly, Christopher Robin's whereabouts are quickly forgotten.
Why, halloo," giggles Pooh. "Who are you?"
"I'm Snuggles the fabric softener bear," the other bear replies, in a voice dripping with syrup "Why are you in [pause] my laundry room?"
"I'm looking for Christopher Robin," Pooh sighs, his eyes trailing downward. "Have you seen him?"
"Nope. Haven't seen him," answers Snuggles, drawing close. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm playing in some guy's fresh towels. Care to join me?"
"But I haven't checked behind the washing machine."
"Good idea. I'll come with you. It's very dark back there, and we could get lost for hours."
As Pooh nudges to check the rest of the room, Snuggles leaps on top of him. Sadly, Christopher Robin's whereabouts are quickly forgotten.
This sort of thing happens if you walk around without pants on,
- At least Pooh found some honey...
1) Have you ever seen what a bored dog will do to a stuffed animal? I have a string of unsolved stuffed monkey serial killings that the prime suspect is my cute innocent dachshund. Snuggles is tempting fate by associating with that wrinkly creature on TV. I'm sure it'll jump in, mauling Snuggles and letting him see his own fluffy intestines before he died. Sure, he'd probably then try to maul Pooh, but Pooh wouldn't be alone...
2) Pooh is a product of the Disney Corporation, and they'd never let one of there products be beaten by another corporate lackey. Pooh will have back-up from the Mouse-Eared Legions of Death.
3) Poohs' hit squad. Okay, Christopher Robin isn't scary to anyone, except Michael Jackson when he threatens a lawsuit, but he's got plenty more friends than that, including the deadly Tigger. I don't think Snuggles is fast enough to avoid a pouncing.
Hands down, Pooh and his homies will wipe the floor with Snuggles. It'll be an Experience. Kicking the Crap Out of a Stuffed Bear.
- Joe Cohen
One of the tenets of Taoism is tai chi ch'uan, a deadly martial art that reacts with force, not against it, thus causing an opponent to injure himself with his own forward motion.
Furthermore, Pooh has a long history of being simple, which is often, inexplicably, the best way out of his current situation. Thus, with a combination of pure dumb luck, emphasis on "dumb", and Pooh's deadly knowledge of the martial arts, Snuggles will wind up accidentally throwing himself out of the tree, thus allowing Pooh to continue his search.
In the best AA Milne tradition, I'm sure that Christopher Robin will find Pooh soon afterward, perhaps drawn to Pooh by the high-pitched shriek of Snuggles plummeting to his doom.
- Thomas Wilde
- Tristan "The Griffon Master and the Karaoke Killer" Pratt
Snuggles: a few commercials.
Pooh: Several movies, a syndicated Saturday morning show (not even gonna mention The Mouse), and a long history of overcoming obstacles, albiet in a bumbling way.
Snuggles: None, unless you count that bottle of fabric softener.
Pooh: His pals (not counting the lost Christopher Robin) are at best a bunch of misfits, a child's Dirty Half-Dozen, a psychiatrist's meal ticket.
Owl - Dyslexic professor and dispensor of half baked wisdom.
Kanga (& Roo) - A laissez-faire mother who spares the rod on her rebellious child.
Eeyore - Prozac poster boy. This nihilistic, tail-dropping donkey would dent and destroy Snuggles' thick armor of sugar-coatedness.
Tigger - The manic ham to Eeyore's depression eggs.
Piglet - The consumate worrier, his stuttering will obfuscate the opposition. Note that he and Woody Allen were never photographed together - Oliver Stone has some theories about that....
Rabbit - an obsessive/compulsive horticulturist. His hatred is directed toward Pooh, but anything that is a danger to his crops (toxic runoff from local Fabric Softener Conglomerate?) will quickly catch his attention
Snuggles: fighting on his home ground.
Pooh: Has found his way out of the darkest parts of the Hundred Acre Wood, so unfamiliar terrain is not a problem for him.
Snuggles: Fabric softener. OK.
Pooh: Pure dumb luck. Wins every time.
Snuggles: Unknown. At least a day or so, then it's time to wash again.
Pooh: Will last until there's a rumbly in his tumbly, then it's off to the land of milk and honey. Once he leaves, his friends will spell him off.
Snuggles: Apparently, he has a strong desire to defend his turf, but his raison d'etre is to clean and soften, mostly the latter.
Pooh: Like the colonialists of old, Pooh is probably looking for another trophy for his game room, right between the Heffalump and the Woozle.
Drawn by Snuggles' belligerence, Pooh's friends will investigate this newcomer. Forced to endure their ramblings (which make Salvadore Dali sound like a Chartered Accountant), Snuggles will soon become deranged. With Eeyore's talk of death and the pointlessness-of-it-all, Snuggles will no longer have the will to live, ending his life by hanging himself with a makeshift rope made of a soft and fluffy towel. Death will be long and drawn out, but comfy.
- Mark Milan
The opponents in this matchup appear to be evenly matched, but Snuggles will prevail and here's why:
Having a niece and two nephews who are Winnie the Pooh fans, I have been subjected to more than a few Pooh tapes. These stories establish that Pooh is extremely stupid. On the other hand, Snuggles appears to be somewhat less stupid though the fabric softener spokesbear is probably dumber than most people. To win this match, all Snuggle has to do is to convince Pooh that there is a pot of honey in the clothes dryer. Pooh will go in and investigate. Snuggles will then throw in a few sneakers and golf balls, then close the door and turn the dryer on to the "heavy" setting. The sneakers and golf balls will bounce around inside the rapidly spinning dryer and beat Pooh to a pulp. End of match.
Another possibility would be for Snuggles to use the honey pot trick above, but with the washer. When Pooh enters the washer, all Snuggles needs to do is to pour in a large amount of Clorox (tm) bleach and turn the machine on. The high bleach concentration will not just fade Pooh, but actually destroy the material of which he is composed. When rinse cycle comes, Pooh won't be long for this world.
Either way, Snuggles wins it.
- The Demented Astronomer
Yogi: Well Boo Boo old buddy, this should be quite a fight!
Boo Boo: You said it Yogi! I've been waiting to see these two pansies beat the stuffing out of each other for a long time!
Yogi: So Smokey, Ben, what do you guys think of this matchup?
Smokey: Only you can prevent forest fires.
Gentle Ben: Grrrrowl.
Yogi: Oooookay. Rather than try to add to that insightful commentarym let's check in on the combatatants. The fight should be starting right about now.
*Bell rings to begin the first round*
Snuggle: I'll make your fabrics soft and fluffy!
Pooh: Where's Christopher Robin? I want some honey.
Boo Boo: What's going on Yogi? Why are they just standing there?
Yogi: I was afraid of this. These guys are soft, fluffy stuffed teddy bears. They don't know how to fight. C'mon you guys, let's see some action!
Yogi & Boo Boo in unison: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Snuggle: *Tears in his eyes* You don't want cottony soft fabrics?
Pooh: What's a fight? I want some honey for my tummy.
Yogi: Oh jeez, this fight sucks. Let's go back to Jellystone park and snatch some pic-a-nic baskets.
Boo Boo: I'm with you Yogi. Next time these Ground Zero guys set up a fight they should make sure the guys know how to fight. This is so unprofessional.
Yogi and Boo Boo wander off.
Smokey: Only you can prevent forest fires?
Gentle Ben: Grrrrowl.
Gentle Ben wanders off into a corner and starts licking himself.
Snuggle, realizing this thing isn't going to end until someone does something, suddenly has a brainstorm. Finally throwing off the facade of childhood innocence, he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a Zippo.
Snuggle: Hey Winnie, catch this! Open up that little magic box and it'll give you honey!
Pooh: *opening Zippo* Honey?
As the small flame bursts to life, decades of mental conditioning kick in and Smokey, frothing at the mouth and mumbling something about preventing forest fires, rus forward and pounds Winnie the Pooh into oblivion with his shovel.
Gentle Ben: Grrrowl.
- Don "King" Milliken
In the mid-1980's, I was invited to a debutante ball at the Plaza Hotel in New York City. It was the same night that they inflate the giant balloons for the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. After the ball (truly a hideously decadent experience), I decided to walk uptown and see the aforementioned balloons. It was about 4 AM and I was drunk.
About two blocks South of the balloons, a cab lost control and went up on the sidewalk and hit a woman, then collided with the wall. The cab burst into flames and started roasting her. People pulled her out but I think she was dead - her limbs were all broken. The cab kept on burning and tires started exploding.
For some reason, several fistfights spontaneously broke out in the crowd. People just went crazy after seeing what had happend and started hitting each other. Then about 15 cops (who had been guarding the balloons two blocks North) showed up and started beating the shit out of the people who were fighting.
I walked two blocks North. And there, under a huge cargo net, levitating about 6 feet off the ground, was a huge, enormous Snuggle balloon, staring over the whole perverse, bloody, flaming spectacle with that spooky little smile and those empty black eyes.
The night had veered from elegant excess to wrenching horror in just a few minutes, and Snuggles was right in the middle of it all. That's why he gets my vote. -- Whit
- -- Whit Fisher
On to the matter at hand. This one is Snuggles all the way. Why? Firstly, some underinformed souls feel that softness is a weakness. I contend that softness is strength; plush is power. I have some martial arts experience as does my friend Dave the Fat-Ass (tm). I can hit Dave all day, but he just sucks it up. Snuggles will do the same, as Pooh's feeble blows are absorbed into the cottony sof tmass which is Snuggles, Lord of the Spin Cycle. Also, let's look at Pooh - underemployed (what has he done recently, other than rest on his laurels?), fat, lazy, stupid (Hunny? Pleeze.), and foolish. Snuggles, on the other boot, is street smart, due to his hard life in South Central LA as asoftener junkie. Snuggles knows how to fight dirty, and an effete Brit like Winnie (a weak name, BTW) just can't handle it. Snuggles is lean and fit; he works out daily. Just look at his (to quote Tim, the enchanter) "big, nasty teeth!". Finally, Snugglesis man enough to let it all hang out. Pooh's shirt is a weakness; he covers his tubby tummy to hide his flab. A few body blows and its all over, with the Sultan of Soft victorious.
- Rib-shot Dan
You see, it's because of the aptly named Winnie The Pooh (Species: "Ursus Ignoramus") that the classic Disney World attraction "Mister Toad's Wild Ride" was closed after 27 years of faithful service. This tragic fact was precipitated by the persistent and perplexing popularity of a gluttonous yellow bear and his simple-minded ilk of pigs, rabbits and misspelt tigers . Despite its popularity with park visitors, the ride seemed an easy target for the wrecking ball, as The Pooh is a staple icon of Disney Mass Merchandising.
Snuggles, along with a platoon of the enraged "Wild Ride" nostalgia fans, will beat the stuffing out of Winnie and the rest of his illiterate forest pals. I relish the day when that annoying fat bear ends up as a throw-rug on the floor in Toad Hall.
- - Panache
Snuggles has never had a song written about him by Kenny Loggins.
Snuggles plays the song, and Winnie cowers in the corner. Snuggles then whips the Pooh out of the helpless bear.
I shudder at the thought of a Kenny Loggins song about me.
- Kopper Golyathe, Superhero and Doer of Laundry
- The Archimage
1: My girlfriend likes Winnie the Pooh
2: I don't know if Pooh can really kick Snuggles' ass, but I know SHE can kick MY ass.
Damn you Disney!
- Troy "guv'nor" Wood
- Kilgore Trout
Both Shredded and Mulched, is my vote. But since we're not given that choice, I'll go with Pooh, who might be able to talk Eeyore down.
- jason goodman
He who knows how to live can walk abroadTherefore, Snuggles literally doesn't stand a chance.
Without fear of rhinoceros or tiger.
He will not be wounded in battle.
For in him rhinoceroses can find no place to thrust their horn,
Tigers no place to use their claws,
And weapons no place to pierce.
Why is this so?
Because he has no place for death to enter.
- Marc Moskowitz
Then there's Tigger...
All of your arguments about the detrimental effect of fabric softener on Pooh's friends don't apply to Tigger. He's not just a stuffed animal, you know. Listen to the Tigger Song(TM): his top is made out of rubber and his bottom is made out of springs! Fabric softener won't affect either of those materials, so if Snuggle Bear, by some stroke of luck, manages to get the fabric softener on Tigger, his legs and arms will go limp but he'll keep bouncing around.
The law of probability states that eventually, Tigger's body will slam into Snuggle Bear and send him flying backwards into the dryer, where the door will slam shut and he will be burnt to a crisp by the hot lights inside. Tip: NEVER climb into the a dryer than just finished drying. It hurts. Snuggle Bear is going to find that out.
So technically, Tigger wins. But Pooh, who of course has been sitting in the corner giggling like a schoolgirl, will take the credit.
- The Black Shadow - Master of the Night... and I'm the only one!
- Bean Bandit
1) The Pooh Bear has foolishly stumbled into Snuggles' home turf. Snuggles has the home team advantage, especially since Snuggles has easy access to his fabric softener, a large pile of towels, and a very deadly washer and dyer. Pooh may stand a chance if he had Tigger backing him up, be he's all alone. Most likely, Winnie also forgot to bring his honey pot, or his army of bees.
2. Consider this... Snuggles is an actor in commercials. He's an animatronic puppet thus he is three-dimensional. Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon character, an illustration in children's books. Ripped from the page and thrown into Snuggles' world, he would be two- dimensional. He would be flat and made of paper.
3. Here's how the fight would go down: Winnie would run around like a wuss until Snuggles forced him to climb atop that large pile of towels for safety. Then Snuggles would knock that sucker down, right into the washing machine. Snuggles would give Pooh a nice washing.
4. Now, we all know what happens when we leave a dollar bill in our pants pocket and wash our pants. That's right, the dollar is ruined. Paper can't survive the rinse cycle and Pooh, who is made of paper, would be utterly destroyed.
- Griffin Bryant
Well I know Pooh has the Rage. I go to Westminster School, The same school AA Milne went to, he left 1/4 of the rights to the school in his will, subsequently, the school sold Winnie for £40m, by the Gay Maths Mafia, to buy even better internet access, which I am now using. Yes, Winnie was sold, brutally into slavery to Disney, uprooted from 100 acre wood and cast into the land of Mickey mouse, Its clearly taken a toll on his mental health. Check out this:
Pooh Goes Apeshit
I hear they're still picking pieces of Snuggles out of the lint trap.
- Go Whalers
- King of No Media
I have found this to be universally true. In all of my experiences in life, whether it be in the classroom, in the workplace, or three hours into an extended session of role-playing games, it has always been my love for reading that allowed me to come out on top. On a more grandiose scale, look at the world we live in. It is, by and large, a literate civilization. If the educated, the readers, mind you, were not superior to their barbarian opponents, we would still be sitting around in stone towers beating the holy hell out of each other with iron clubs for entertainment, instead of spending our time on this glorious realm known as the internet commenting on Grudge Match. Indeed, without reading, there would be no Grudge Match at all. What a sad world that would be.
Now, many of you (staff and readers alike) may be asking, "What the hell does any of that have to do with this match?" Simple, dumbass. I, like so many other American children out there, learned to read from Winnie the Pooh books!!! That's right, I learned to read form Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, Too. The great and powerful Pooh, diseminator of knowledge and wisdom, taught me to read. Snuggles has taught me exactly Jack. I seriously doubt that Snuggles can even read himself. I mean, doesn't the warning label on his beloved fabric softener instruct you to keep it away from children? Yet, in every one of his commercials, he is surrounded by kids while he all but swims in the stuff! Obviously, he either cannot read, or else he is intentionally putting those children at risk, and is therefore an evil force that must be dealt with. Pooh, being the embodiment of all that is good, pure, and innocent, is just the one to wipe that hideous plague of foul intent from our Earth.
Besides, I use Downy anyway, and I for one will never miss the bastard.
- ~the Stranger
I don't know what your message said (no pictures), but I'll assume it's good based on its length. -Editor.
Snuggles: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! You call that a punch?
Then there is a deep rumbling sound and the whole laundry room begins to shake violently. (Anyone that ever saw the original BattleTanx! commercial sees this coming, as does Snuggles)
Snuggles: Oh no, not again!
Pooh and Snuggles run for their lives as a tank comes crashing through the laundry room leaving huge dirty tread marks all over the clean towels! The tank fires, hitting the ground between the two fleeing bears and sending them flying a tread width apart with bits of fur and fluff all over singed and burning.
Pooh: Is this the end?
Snuggles: I've survived this once, I'll survive it again.
The kid with the Nintendo controller: That's what you think. Bwahahahahahaha!
The tank drives repeatedly over both plush bears until little remains that is recognizeable. Then it backs up far enough to get a clear shot at the ground, and blows the stuffing out of Pooh, then Snuggles.
Winner? I suppose Snuggles lasted a tad longer.
- Cheeky Monkey
Not only that, he's based on a Real Bear who was a Mascot for the Canadian Army (well, part of it at least).
So not only does Winnie have Piglet and Christopher Robin & Co. He has the World War II Canadian Army on his side.
Snuggles is a smear of stuffing on the ground.
1) Winnie; Short for Winston. What other famous winstons are there? Churchill thats who. Pooh inspired by the memory will "fight him on the beaches, will fight him in the laundry, He will never surrender"
2) Winnie has survived swarms of bees, is adept at camoflage (as a cloud)and has managed to survive a 5 year old. Snuggles has faced (gasp) clean laundry!!
3) Winnie has the support of Disney, Snuggles has the support of a laundry softner company. Unleash the rabid lawyers.
4) and finally as a loyal member of the DNRC it is my duty to destroy the in-duh-vidual known as snuggles in order to pave the way for the acention of Dogbert.
Let's revisit some other examples of this phenomenon, shall we?
Chucky (Child's Play) - Product of plastics and deviltry.
Evil incarnate, but awfully cute.
Fats the Dummy (Magic) - Another murderous automaton. Hell, he killed Burgess Meredith! THE PENGUIN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Clown Doll (Poltergeist) - Possessed by evil, this little bugger tried to drag Carol Ann's brother into a hellmouth. That's chutzpah!
The list is endless. Basically, it's a doll that moves by itself. Much meaner than an effete honey addict on a crash from his last sugar high.Pooh's in the dryer, mummified in softening sheets.
- Mister Torgo
1) Pooh (or Notorious P.O.O.H.) has faced beasts more fearsome than "Snuggles" and come out unscathed. This includes three Woozles (p. 39) and a Wizzle (p. 39). He's also faced down a Jagular (p. 230)--which, incidentally, is one of the Fiercer Animals--and, worst of all, a Heffalump (p. 64). Indeed, no former Grudge Contestant (tm) has ever faced a Heffalmup, including Boba Fett, the Predator, William Shatner, or Oprah. I personally would pay top dollar to see the latter two go head to head with a Heffalump. If Pooh can handle himself here, he can take Snuggles in 2 seconds flat. Snuggles could maybe take the guy who keeps squeezing the Charmin', the fluffy pillows from the Softy toilet paper, or the inept housewife who can't stop "Ring Around the Collar", but Pooh simply isn't in his league.
2) Pooh is actually a knight--Sir Pooh de Bear (p. 341). He is also armed with a pencil case full of pencils, sharpeners and an eraser. Who else is the Eraser? Arnold "My Heart is my Weakest Muscle" Schwartzenegger. Since Ah-nuld can give Snuggles a fair run for his money, so can Pooh. In fact, I picture Snuggles suddenly sporting pencils labelled "B" [for "Bear", "BB" [for "Butt-kicking Bear"], and "HB" [for "Hep Cat Bear"] (p. 157) from every orifice, and a few he didn't know he had.
3) Pooh has his own patented game "Pooh Sticks" (p. 259). Thus, whenever anyone drops a bit of wood in a moving body of water, Pooh collects a spot of honey. This has netted him millions from the Oregan and Washington state lumber industries alone. Pooh has something to live for -- Snuggles subsists on the fabric softener, and the occasional single sock that goes "missing" mysteriously from a washer.
4) Pooh has a proven track record in braving any danger to get to Christopher Robin. which is his motivation in fighting Snuggles at all. He once set sail on a floating jar, in the midst of a torrential downpour, into uncharted waters. (p. 136) Snuggles is a walk in the park next to that.
5) Pooh has naval power. Not only does he have the already mentioned "Floating Bear" jar, he also has the craft which Christopher Robin christened "The Brain of Pooh" (p. 143). As the Hundred Years War, Victorian England, Axis and Allies (R), and Warcraft II have taught us, if you don't have sea power, you're 'sunk'. [Heh heh.] Snuggles' only experience with water is being repeatedly soaked by it.
6) Pooh has endured many dangers--he's listened to Owl talk interminably about his Great Uncle Robert (p. 309), lived through the complete destruction of Owl's house (p. 299), lived for days without honey while wedged in Rabbit's hole (p. 25), and put up with Eeorye's constant existential nihilism in his Prozac-poor quarter-section of the Hundred Acre Wood. I think he can take a castrato bear named "Snuggles".
7) Pooh's the master of camoflauge. He disguised himself ("Predator" (tm)-like) by blending into the surroundings of the honey tree (p. 15). He also faced-off a swarm of bees (Amityville Horror, anyone?). Edward Bear is of strong stuff, folks.
Pooh will destroy Snuggles. Send in someone from Star Trek to give the Fabric Softener Bear a sporting chance.
- Greg Smith, Edmonton Alberta
As much as I love Pooh, if you go back to the MASH vs. ER matchup and hunt around for a while, you'll find that Snuggles, before becoming the national icon that he is today, was in fact Radar's teddy bear (Want collaborating proof? How else could Klinger keep his wardrobe in such good shape?).
So his soft and cuddly exterior is simply a coping mechanism for the scarring of the Korean Conflict (no, wait, the scarring was greater than that sustained in the actual conflict, as the MASH series did go on for 8 years longer than the actual war). And when put head to head with the Pooh-meister, Snuggles will snap, and the resulting carnage, although fluffy instead of blood red, will be significant.
And if this isn't enough, MASH pulled a hat trick. Any entity born of a winner will be a winner.
- Not Butthead
Sure, Winnie's name means something nasty, and I used to think it was funny--when I was five. Saying that makes a difference is as immature and childish as you can get, and this match is already pretty immature and childish. (Actually, this whole site is rather immature and childish. I guess that's why I like it so much.) But in a match, it makes little or no difference, unless Pooh can be beaten by calling him names. And that wouldn't work, because he's a bear of very little brain.
As far as getting high on fabric-softener, let me again remind you that Pooh is a bear of very little brain. Fumes will either make no difference on his intellect and coordination or competely destroy them. In either case, he would immediately say 'that's not nice' and throw some honey on Snuggles. Snuggles would go berserk, of course. He's lived in the land of Perpetually Clean Clothes for too long. That would effectively end the match.
But all this is a moot point when you consider the one factor that will decide it all. Pooh has a very powerful ally, and no it's not the Force. It's the Narrator.
All Winnie the Pooh has to do is call for a little help, and the Narrator would turn the book on its side. Everything would fall to the edge of the story, but the Narrator would make sure that Pooh landed on top of Snuggles. And that would very definitely end the match.
Winnie the Pooh in 38.6 seconds.
- Laura of Maychoria, creator and ruler of an alternate universe
- Seeker of truth.
Snuggles stirs to awareness from a deep sleep, sensory input from the here and now flooding in to mix with a deluge of jumbled memories, all of it swirling into a maelstrom of confusion. How long has he been wandering? Days, weeks? There are only fragmented recollections of an aimless trek with no real sense of time. Ironically, the oldest of these tattered memories, the ones of the encounter that began it all, these are the most vivid, the closest to something that makes sense. The yellowish bear with the soft voice, his apologetic insistence suddenly exploding into a towering inferno of The RageTM! After that, all was terror and violence for Snuggles, blows raining on him, walls rushing at him as he was flung about the room, a few horrifying minutes stuffed in the dryer with a pair of size 12 sneakers, and then his final recollection, his head being slammed repeatedly against the washing machine in time to crazed, howling cries of "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!!??" After that, blessed oblivion, and then...the wandering.
Now in his right mind but still having trouble navigating the dense woods, he stumbles into a thicket, startling a huge form that turns with a snarl at this invasion of his privacy. Snuggle gazes up at a half-ton grizzly, caught smack dab in the middle of his morning loaf-pinch. The Softest Bear on EarthTM has stumbled into the local bear restroom. OK, stay calm, he thinks, it's only another bear. Just make small talk, and back out slowly. Ironically, though, it's the grizzly who speaks first, and he does so in a pleasant voice.
"Hey, little guy, do you ever have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"
"Why yes, Mr. Grizzly, even though the fabric softener makes it so-"
"Yeah, great", says the grizzly as he scoops Snuggles up and wipes himself with him. Snuggles' fecally smothered protests turn to a wail as the grizzly tosses him for yardage, landing him in a nearby stream with an icy "kaploosh." Next stop: Lake Superior.
- Mr. Silverback- Rated between Goldberg and John Malkovich on the Idaho Standardized Cuddliness Scale.
(Gets dragged away by men in white)
You want me to vote for :
(A) A cherished childhood icon who is the friend of the coolest cat this side Hobbes; or
(B) A sucky arsed icon of naked manipulative commercialism and crass corporate boardroom coke addled thinking!
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
Go, go somewhere, not a Walmart, go somewhere where they have those Tiggers that bounce. Line then up. Set them off. Repeat. Reapeat until the help chases you away.
Now, wasn't that REALLY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Darth Brooks - Smiling Sensitive Redneck Dark Jedi
Let's look first at the Snuggles Bear. Little, blue and due to protracted contact with his namesake product, 'soft'. (Rocky translation: WEAK!)
On the other hand, Winnie could be described as big, tubby and above all else, 'hungry'. (Rocky Translation: The Hungry fighters always win!) Plus, behind all that politeness, I bet Pooh still has 'the Eye of the Tiger'.
What I foresee happening is this: Both fighters put on their boxing gloves, enter the ring and instantly begin looking incredibly beat up (this is Rocky, afterall). Then, Pooh will simply sit on his opponent, crushing him to death. He will then eat honey, and lots of it.
- -Jaridis Blade Esq.
- Edvard Villiams
With the shortage of sticks and the withdrawal symptoms of PST or PostPoohsticks Trauma, those animals will throw anything into the river (Actually now its a sewage outlet for those nice glass fronted office blocks, next to the American style shopping mall, so very... Milton Keynes.). They walk about, glazed dilated eyes, stuttering and eyeing each other for float potential. These days Eoow keeps his tail hidden. W
hen they see Snuggles, they will rip his limbs off and play one final game of pooh sticks, before the social securities send the pest control out for the animals, and the Mental Health people for Chritofer Robin for talking to animals.
- Seb Rabit
Oh no, to see why Pooh wastes the bleach-addicted bear known as Snuggles, you have to consider that they are both toys, owned by children. And as we all know, one's upbringing generally decides who comes out on top of a scrap like this.
Picture Snuggles' owner (last time I checked): some happy-go-lucky little girl who likes to while away her time playing dress-up. Since Snuggles seems to happily go along with this exercise in ridiculosity, we can assume this is not Elmyra we're dealing with, but rather a well-adjusted child who wouldn't harm a fly. The kind who gets off on shows like Barney and Teletubbies. (Then again, maybe Snuggles is too wired on chlorine to notice he's romping around a child's room in drag...who knows?) In any case, I see nothing of any threatening nature with this picture.
On the other hand, we have Pooh and his friends. Now if you've ever sat through all (seemingly) 6 1/2 hours of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" (I had a kid sister who watched it about 20 million times -- oh, bother), one good look at these animals and their surroundings tells you something about Christopher Robin...this child is one seriously disturbed little twerp. If Pooh Bear is a stuffed bear, then animated or not, someone had to stuff him in those pots of honey. Someone had to have stuffed him through that hole in the ground so that he got stuck and had to ask all his friends to pull him out. Last but not least, this bear lives outside in the 100 Acres Woods. No self-respecting toy that is truly loved would be left outside in such a cold, cold, cruel world. (Remember the Island of Misfit Toys, anyone?)
And speaking of misfit toys, let's look at Pooh's friends. There's Tigger, who is so obviously tanked up on speed that I doubt even Timothy O'Leary could bring him down. Then there's poor old Rabbit, on whose already-fragile nerves Tigger seems to derive such pleasure in bouncing. Thanks to that oversized acid freak, Rabbit is one small, infinitesimal step away from that one little snap that's going to turn him into a psychotic serial killer who will absolutely get toally medieval on the entire forest and anything foolish enough to stand in his way. Next there's Piglet, who's really not much of an issue. He'd be the Yellow-Shirted Ensign(TM) of the group who gets the Kenny Treatment(TM) early on in this match. Then there's Owl, and we all know what owls like to do, especially at night -- hunt for prey. Snuggles won't know what hit him. Last but probably most telling of all: Eeyore. Yes, that's right, Pooh's somber old pal Eeyore.
But it's Eeyore who will be the deciding factor. First of all, one look at Eeyore's butt will tell you the depths of abuse these animals are subjected to by Christopher Robin. I told you he is one sadistic little snot. Wouldn't you be hacked off at the world if you had to walk around with your butt thumbtacked to your backside, looking like the target of one of America's favorite pasttimes: Pin the Tail on the Donkey(TM)? And 99% of the time, what is Eeyore's mood? Depression. And what happens to abused, depressed animals? THEY SNAP AND GO POSTAL ON EVERYONE!
Look at these pathetic ragamuffins. They don't NEED the Evil Rodent Empire. They have years of pent-up RAGE(TM) at being Chris' objects of constant torture and suffering to visit upon some unsuspecting Clorox-inhaling bear.
I see Snuggles not only being taken to the cleaners, but hung out to dry and made to burn in effigy.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Unfortunately for the evil that is Snuggles, there is a greater force than him at work in these fair woods: PIGLET! From the classic Star Trek episode "Wolf in the Fold," it has been revealed that Piglet is none other than the world's most notorious serial killer JACK THE RIPPER. If you don't believe me, just listen to the voice. It's the same person! And not only did Piglet kill all those women in London, he has killed hundreds on various planets using various aliases and even seriously challenged the immortal Kirk and Spock. Considering that Jack was never caught, I would have to say that disguising himself as toy pig proved to be a brilliant move. And let me tell you, hanging around with Eeyore in a land where the only available female already has a mate and is totally biologically incompatible would drive anyone to kill. And let's not even mention the forbidden sexual tension with Tigger. It's always is the quiet ones, you know.
Now look at Snuggles. The voice is so high that the creature has to be a female. She rolls around naked all day in fluffy towels like a slut. Snuggles is the protoypical Jack the Ripper victim. Really, the only thing saving this temptress (probably attempting to corrupt young Christopher Robin, the cheap harlot) from a quick death is that he only kills in secret. Of course, it takes only a strategically placed wayward honeypot to lure Winnie out of the room to leave Snuggles to a muffled screaming death at the hands of fabric shears. All that will be left is some lint in a pool of Wisk(tm).
Really, the only question is will Mr. Clean and the Maytag Repairman be able to track down this killer before he gets to Mrs. Butterworth...
- Paul G.
However, after consulting numerous scientific and analytic sources to determine the outcome, the strategies for this fight are found in their anagrams:
There you have it. While Snuggles may be a bit more spry and have a bit more stamina from all that hamper hopping, the Silly Old Bear does have a decisive Weight Class advantage. All he needs to do is to have Tigger, one of his Hundred Acre Wood posse, pounce on the Ursa Laundromatus and hold her down while he lands that honey-pot posterior right on her chest, squeezing the flower-sniffing breath out of her.
Decision: Pooh Bear.
- 88 Fingers Louie
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Tigger v. Hobbes
Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Lucky the Leprechaun v. The Trix Rabbit
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