World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

Olympic Logo WWWF Logo by Dan Willis Olympic Logo


The Setting


Atlanta (AP) - A sell-out crowd is expected for tonight's gold-medal Basketball game. The reason is obvious -- these two teams have both come out of nowhere to the delight of sports fans across the globe. Both teams have worked hard to get here, even defeating the incredible Dream Team (tm) on the way. Only one team will claim the gold tonight, and it's sure to be exciting.

The first team has fought it's way from inner-city Brooklyn to be here. Portrayed on TV's "Welcome Back Kotter", these unusually aggressive athletes have shown real magic on the floor in their previous games. Star center is Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington. Forwards Vinny Barbarino and Gabe Kotter are known for their fast moves. Juan Epstein and Arnold Horshack round out the starting lineup. Although measuring in at a lowly 5'4", Horshack's devastating three-pointers have made him invaluable to the team.

Their opponents come from the city of Cincinnati, and all happen to work at the same radio station, WKRP. Although the average age of this team is older than the Brooklyn team, their experience and know-how have taken them to the gold medal game. Venus Flytrap starts as center, with Andy Travis and Herb Tarlek as forwards. Jennifer Marlowe starts as their distracting shooting guard, and the unpredictable Johnny Fever is running point.

What will be the outcome of this gold-medal game? We'll have to wait and see.

The Sweathogs, Welcome Back Kotter WKRP in Cincinnati

The Sweathogs

vs.

WKRP in Cincinnati


The Commentary


BRIAN: WKRP in a runaway, Steve. Main reason: distractions. First, you obviously have Jennifer. Being a product of the late 70's, she'll be wearing those short-short basketball shorts, not the newer, hipper long ones. Add that to a tank top and you've got Kotter & Co. in a complete standstill. Remember, this is the same distraction used to derail the softball juggernaut that was WPIG (tm). But less obviously, and just as importantly, you've got Herb. When he comes out in his plaid pants and striped shirt with the shoes matching the belt, those members of the Kotter team that aren't blinded will be rolling on the floor laughing. Even by their 70's standards, Herb's clothes will be too much to handle.

Additionally, you've got the pure athleticism of the remaining WKRP players. Fever, juiced up on drugs and caffeine, will be a blur up and down the court. And the pure athletic talents of Venus and Andy are obvious.

But all of this is irrelevant. At halftime, the WKRP coaching staff employs a little stragedy (tm). Realizing that her son was completely incompetent, Mama Carlson has taken over the coaching reigns. Mama, of course, will do anything for a profit and, well, there just simply aren't that many commercial deals for the silver medal team. At halftime she calls down the IOC and has some investigations done. It is soon discovered that Juan and Vinnie should actually be on Mexico's and Italy's teams, respectively. Once they are removed from the bench, Kotter cannot field a team and they forfeit. Some replacement players are called in to finish the game, but the Keatons just can't keep up with WKRP's fast break.

STEVE: That was a nice long-winded bit of commentary, but too bad you don't know what you're talking about. The Sweathogs will make mincemeat out of WKRP. First of all, Jennifer won't distract them as much as you think. She's too old for them, and besides, they'll already have plenty of women following them everywhere since they're now sports celebrities. Second, "Pure Athleticism"? That's a good one. Fever can hardly even get out of bed in the morning. Finally, Barbarino is as American as they come, and if Epstein gets deported anywhere, it'll be Puerto Rico, not Mexico.

The Sweathogs have a varied arsenal of their own to unleash upon WKRP. In the middle of play, Gabe Kotter will tell them a joke about one of his uncles or aunts. The joke will be so horrible that it will cause the WKRPers to cringe and double over in pain. In the confusion Kotter will rack up an easy 3. The Sweathogs will be unaffected by the joke, since they have built up an immunity over several years. Other verbal abuse can come from the junior Sweathog members. A snappy "Up your nose with a rubber hose" could easily break the concentration of any of the WKRP team. However, don't think they're limited to just verbal attacks. These boys are just plain aggressive and mean. They come from the ghetto, and get into fights daily. Epstein was in a gang. That temperament will come out on the court, sending WKRP home with a body cast and a silver medal.

BRIAN: Oh, I'm long winded. There's a newsgroup for people like you, Steve: alt.pot.kettle.black. First of all, Jennifer isn't too old for anybody. She thoroughly impressed Carlson's 11-year-old Nazi son ("Little Big Guy"). Jennifer's about 30 or so, prime age for everybody, especially high schoolers and retired CEOs. Note: we're talking about Jennifer Marlowe here, not Loni Anderson. I saw Jennifer this morning (Only on E!(tm)) and she looked as good as ever.

And to think any of Kotter's jokes will even affect the WKRP team is foolish. Are you forgetting some of the bad jokes on WKRP? Not only did the cast endure them, they told them. Kotter's "humor" arsenal might work on some (perhaps the cast of Cheers (tm)), but certainly not WKRP. Additionally, the "Sweathogs" remind me a lot of WPIG, whom our friends from WKRP bested on several occasions.

Midway through the first half, there's a time out. Across the nation, radio listeners hear this commentary: "This is Les Nessman reporting from Atlanta for the Gold Medal basketball game. We're in a time out with WKRP leading by 10. Arthur Carlson, team manager, is currently climbing along the catwalks to the top of the arena here. He said he had something big planned, but wouldn't tell anyone what it was. Wait, I see something! Something falling from the ceiling. It's a dark object, hurdling down towards -- OH MY GOD! It's a turkey! It's struck Gabe Kotter right in the head and knocked him cold! Here come several more! The entire Kotter team is being knocked unconscious! Oh, the humanity!"

Clearly, Kotter, et al must forfeit.

STEVE: How appropriate that you bring up Les Nessman. His "Silver Sow" award will soon have more comany -- a set of silver medals. Did you ever wonder why Les didn't get a "Golden Sow" award? It's because WKRP is a second rate station with second rate employees and hence second rate players. They usually manage to screw up everything they try. Of course, they usually manage to pass the blame around unlike shows such as Gilligan's Island. Do I sound bitter? If I do, it's because I spent a summer in Cincinnati. As I entered the city, I tuned around the dial looking for WKRP. Guess what! It doesn't exist! You can imagine my heartache and disillusionment. Such a show doesn't deserve to win.


For WKRP in Cincinnati and Welcome Back, Kotter links, visit Sitcoms Online.
Or visit The Flimm Building for WKRP information.


The Results


The Sweathogs (478)

slam dunk

WKRP in Cincinnati (355)


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Voter Comments


Response of the Week (tm)

This isn't the best athletic matchup in WWWF history. Heck, the Vegas bookies have the game a pick-em because they only bothered to count the one black guy per team before wandering off to something more exciting, like MLS soccer. Still, here goes.

The Sweathogs take an early lead on the strength of their backcourt. Epstein's learned lots of sneaky moves from friends in FSLN and the Mossad, while Horshack's distracting "Ooo-Ooo" defense is surprisingly effective. The first turning point comes when Jennifer takes her first look at Mister Kotter. That hair, that mustache -- the name 'Burt' flashes through her head, and suddenly she's tearing away at what she thinks is a bad toupee. She's ejected, while Kotter is carried off the court, his wife soothing his wounded scalp with a tuna casserole salve.

Les Nessman is pulled off the announcing table to sub for Jennifer, while Mister Woodman comes in for Kotter. The trade-off favors WKRP, and they pull ahead as their team gets into a rhythm. The Olympics uses a 30-second shot clock, and being radio workers, they have experience with half-minute spots.

Soon, however, Johhny Fever becomes disoriented and starts lecturing the Sweathogs in advanced history. He soon wanders off the court, and is replaced by Billy Connolly. Can you say 'Scottish basketball star'? No you can't, for good reason.

The Sweathogs surge again, but now Barbarino is in trouble. He's being hassled by a black man in the stands, who keeps asking him what the French words for 'Arch Deluxe' are. Barbarino keeps responding "What? Where?" at bad moments, so the Sweathogs can only get a 33-31 edge at the half.

Sensing the vulnerability, WKRP comes out of the locker room with a new strategy. Venus Flytrap starts some serious trash-talking every chance he can get. Nobody heard the pivotal dis, but Barbarino snaps, shouting "My mother is a saint!" and drawing two quick technical fouls.

In to replace Vinnie is Beau(remember *him*?), and the inevitable, irreversible slide begins. The rout spreads to the sidelines, as the WKRP Carp beats up on the 'loaner' mascot sent by WPIG to the 'Hogs. The game ends WKRP 68, Sweathogs 51, and 'White Rabbit' is played in lieu of a national anthem at the medal ceremony

- Call me Shane


ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Game Analysis:

1) Shooting - This one is a toss-up(tm). Epstein was in a gang, so should be an experienced "shooting" guard. Then again, Johnny "shooting up" Fever, with an obvious history of intravenous drug use, could also play a good two guard. But watch out for an overdose a-la Len Bias even before the opening tip-off.

2) Defense - This one has to go to the Kotter boys. Listen, if you're looking for a steal, are you gonna wanna go with Vinny "pick your pocket" Barbarino, and his cohorts Epstein, Juan, and Vinnie, or Jennifer Marlowe and company? Again, though a warning: Kotter needs to keep track of these kids before one of them gets caught pilfering towels from the Olympic Village(tm), leading to a DQ.

3) Rebounding - Another one for the Kotter boys. Where has happened to the WKRP crew after WKRP? Answer: not much. Johnny Fever managed to land a spot on the cheesy "Head of the Class", yet couldn't get anything going with Robin Givens. This kind of choking(tm) won't win gold medals. And Jennifer Marlowe? Well let's just say that starring in TV movies and making a cameo on "Melrose Place" just doesn't cut it. So who on the Kotters actually rebounded from the depths of professional nothingness and emerged a somebody(tm)? That's easy: Vinny Barbarino. This guy was on top of the world, with "Saturday Night Fever" and "Grease", but then found himself the joke of Hollywood(tm), making movies like "Look Who's Talking Too". But talk about a rebound(tm) - this guy makes "Pulp Fiction", and the next thing you know he's making $20 mil a picture!

4) Ball Handling - Let's see: a bunch of sex-starved teenagers or a bunch of over-the-hill old fogeys... Superior Ball Handling(tm), honed through hours of grueling solo practice sessions, goes to the hormone-charged Kotter boys.

5) Vegas Line(tm)- Kotter Boys by 14 1/2.

- Robert Efthimos


ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

"Hey babe, My name is Vinnie Barbarino." (girlish screams from the canned audience) "You must be Jennifer. Whys don't yous and I go for a pizza and study for a breast...I mean test." Jennifer smiles, shakes her hip, and walks off the court with Vinnie in tow. The canned crowd (tm) laughs and applauds.
Coach Carlson panics, "What am I going to do now? Not only did we loose our secret weapon but now there is no one to run WKRP!"
"I thought I ran WKRP!" exclaims Andy.
"Oh, right." relieves Mr. Carlson. "But what do we do with out a point?"
"Well, we did three seasons with out a point, why should this be any different?" points (no pun, intended) out Venus.
"Ooo, let me play point! The medal will look sooo good next to my Silver Sow (tm) Award" wines Les.
"Look, Big Guy, Les is my best friend...
"He's your only friend, Herb." cuts in Mr. Carlson.
"Well yea, anyway. Don't let Les play. They are "Sweathogs"..."Sows"...follow me? You never know when Les might turn." whispers Herb.

Meanwhile, across the court...

Kotter is fuming..."I had an uncle once that ditched his team for a girl during a championship game..."
"No problem. You've got Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington on your side, he he."
"And don't forget Little Juan." pipes in Horshack. Juan just cleans his finger nails with his switchblade.

The whistle blows, telling the players to enter the court. Andy Travis and "Boom Boom" Washington take center court for the face off. But where is Les? No one hears his muffled cries as he is drug off to the locker room by none other than Brooklyn High's principle. Now, normally he would be trying to sabotage Mr. Kotter, but the gold medal will bring his school much needed revenue (for him to siphon off to his personal bank account off shore). Les is stuffed into a locker, not to be heard from until the Olympics leave Atlanta and school starts it's new semester, at which time, Les will no longer want a door to his office, but will regularly dine on Palmetto Bugs (cockroaches to you, yanks) and drink the blood from mosquitoes.

The game begins with "Boom Boom" winning the toss up. A quick pass from Kotter back to "Boom Boom" yields a big slam dunk.

"Up you nose with a rubber hose!" he says to Andy. the game continues with WKRP trailing slightly. Kotter, even though he is older and shorter, continually puts the moves on Venus Flytrap. Proving he just don't have the soulful moves he tries to portay on the radio.

"Wow Venus, you move just like a white guy!" shouts Kotter "I had an aunt once..." Venus is stymied for the rest of the game.

By half time, Fever is unconscious on the bench. As the teams would go one way, he would go the other. His drugged out body not being able to take the strain of running up and down the court. This, of course, has left "Little Juan" and Horshack double teaming Herb. His white leather loafers (with matching belt) and baby blue slack shorts in tatters after the beating the Dynamic Duo (tm) give him.

The lead is drawn out further by the two minute warning when back comes Vinnie "the Hit Man" Barbarino (the "Main Man in Amsterdam"). He and "Boom Boom" start a "Brooklyn Globetrotters" (tm) routine on poor Andy Travis, the only thing close to an athlete that WKRP has.

Final score 102 - 66 and for the national anthem, instead of the "Star Spangled Banner" (tm), you hear "Welcome back, to the place that you used to laugh about..."

Mr. Carlson, "Well, at least we get a Silver Medal to go with Les's Silver Sow (tm). By the way, Has anybody seed Les?"

- Kurt.



Really, Mrs. Big-Guy, Please. If the name of the game is coaching then you have surely overlooked the reason why the Sweathogs are the biggest lock since the Chicago Bulls over .... well .... anybody.

True, Mr. Kotter has little basketball coaching experience, but you have obviously forgotten Mr. Kaplan's performance as Coach David Greene in the 1978 classic "Fast Break". If Mr. Kaplan can take a bunch of kids from the Big City and turn Podunk U. into a powerhouse to beat State U., then he will quickly make mincemeat out of WKRP.

Also, let's not forget that the real leader of WKRP, Andy, once sold out his own co-workers union efforts in exchange for concessions from Mrs. Big Guy. In short, the Sweathogs will run the drug-addled WKRP team into the ground, and Andy will do his best to throw the game in exchange for a better parking place and a perferred membership card to Jack's Discount Tight Pants Warehouse(tm).

However, this is completely irrelevant for as the sweathogs take the stand to accept the Gold medal suddenly the loudspeaker will blare out......

"Ladies and gentlemen. We have a late entry into the Olympic Games(tm) - Representing the Country of Absurdistan - Carver High!!!!!!!"

Slowly a chill will come over the sweathogs as the Hip-hoppin' high-fivin' members of the Carter High basketball team take the floor. They are lead by thier hard-nosed, but lovable with a heart of gold, coach - The legendary WHITE SHADOW. WKRP may have beaten WPIG, and the Sweathogs may have beaten WKRP but, EVERYBODY knows that the only guys who can beat Carver High are the one and only Harlem Globetrotters. Curly's bald head is nowhere in sight, and so are the Sweathog's chance of winning. Carver High wins and all of the members of the team learn a Valuble Lesson(tm) in the process. Heck, it's such a blowout they might even let that autistic kid into the game (or is that to obscure?).

- Charles


The Sweathogs will win, no question. The Tarlek factor must not be underestimated. Remember when he sent a picture of himself at a barbeque, instead of the photo of Venus, for the Soul Suds (tm) shampoo advert ("My hair's laid back and so am I")? In his own words, "What were you thinking of, doing what I told you to? I'm the guy who always screws up!". Herb will have the WKRP team drinking mineral supplements at half-time, not realising he is giving them a diet tonic instead which will make them pass out on the court.

And Venus? Why was he chosen for the softball team? "We'll have to have Venus of course," Les Nessman insists. Why? "Because you're a negro." Venus is trying to adopt the image of a 70's black man, hence the wardrobe not even he takes seriously. Any physical prowess attributed to him is based on stereotype. Face it, he's weedy and not that tall. Now, the vertically enhanced team from "Night Court" would be a different story...

- John Hunter


The Sweathogs will win for two reasons. The first is obvious all anyone does around the WKRP office is sit around, munching on coffee and doughnuts. The Sweathogs, on the other hand, are high-school students, whose raging hormones are tempered by the PE classes they take every day. How many US Olympians found their gold medal form in high school PE classes? The number is countless. Even when the Sweathogs manage to skip out PE (using notes signed by "Epstein's mother"), they still manage to maintain top physical condition in order to run from various Brooklyn threats. Evidence of the Sweathogs' physical dominance can be seen in Saturday Night Fever, the ultimate film of the seventies, starring no one less than Vinny Barbarino himself.

The second reason is more subtile, but very important at critical points in the game, the shows theme songs are played over the arena loudspeaker. The Sweathogs are inspired by their theme song, which tells of the return of an uplifting and well loved teacher who influenced each of their lives dramatically. The WKRP players, on the other hand, are distracted by memories of the one they left behind. Each time the singer says "Tell her I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati" Fever shreiks in greif, scanning the arena crowd to find his lost love, and making a turnover.

"Welcome Back Kotter" wins by 16, and it's not even that close.

- ransom-sean


Does enyone remember the best WKRP of all. The one where the highway patrol was on Dr. Johnny Fever's show to demonstrate the affect of alcohol on reaction time???? Remember how much quicker and more alert Dr. Fever got with every drink? Now, in the finals of the olympics, I think it's pretty obvious that Dr. Fever will have more than a couple drinks. His reactions will be so quick no one will be able to stop him. He could have the Golden Girls on his team instead of Venus and Andy, and still kick butt. No contest, WKRP (that is, Dr. Johnny Fever and someone to throw the ball into him), will wipe up the floor.

By the way, Freddie Washington was overrated at hoops in High School. In fact, I think even Richie Cunningham could have beaten him when Richie was the hoop star.

-JLL


The Sweat Hogs will be ahead at the half. The WKRP management will realize their in trouble. Which starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Proof, Alcoholic Proof. Andy realizing the Hogs may be a match for Wkrp brings out Two bottles of J.D. Whiskey and gives them to The Big Guy and the Johny Fever. The Big Guy is not much of a player anyway but the more the doctor drinks the faster his reaction time gets . After he finishes his bottle (and half of the Big Guy's bottle) they retake the court. Johny has now become a superman. He can out run, manuver and shoot all of the Sweat Hogs combined. Hell he can pass to himself as does so several times. The Sweat Hogs having no defense lose the game.

- Ryan P Kelly


WKRP will win by getting the band "Skum of the Earth" to pull a Tonya Harding on the Sweathogs. Dog, while having no formal musical training, is well trained in the use of a tire iron. Lightning quick blows to Vinny, Freddie, and Gabe leave the olympic village filled with crys of "Why meee, Why anybodyyy".

Though the tabloids break the story to the world, the WKRP guys are able to suck up to the olympic committee (Jennifer is no doubt involved), beat the wrap, and win by default.

- Eric Klinker


The only chance WKRP has of distracting the men from Brooklyn lies not with Jennifer Marlowe, but with Bailey Quarters. Unfortunately, she did not appear on the team roster. In fact, you completely FORGOT TO MENTION her anywhere on the WWWF page! The Sweathogs have this one in the bag.

- Chris Volpe


The Sweathogs have got to win this one. Normally, there would not be any "time trouble" with these conflicts, as you can set them in any time you want. But this time, it's different. You have placed this game in Atlanta, 1996--20 years or so after these guys were first introduced! Each one of them will have to have aged over that time, and that makes the sweathogs in their late 30's--but the WKRPers will be, at the youngest, in their 50s. They're old, slow, and tired. The Sweathogs have still got some youth left (albeit not much) and they trounce the radio jocks with a final score of 100-6...Jennifer being much too old for them at age 50.

- mrl


It couldn't be WKRP. WKRP could be going against the cast of "She's the Sherrif" and would still lose. As a disc jockey, I can tell you right off that the staff would arrive, discover that their talent fee wasn't waiting for them, and would go home. Sweathogs by default.

- Benjamin Bretz, Sunny 106.9


I guess that if John Travolta can have a comeback, anything is possible.

- Nicky


The Sweathogs may be pals, they may have performed in talent shows together, hell, they may even be more physically fit than the KRPers. But you still have to give the WKRP team credit for the fine soundtrack they would be able to supply at such a competition. Babarino can only offer us cut-rate Elvis imitations; the WKRP troops would take the floor to the sounds of Bob Seger's ``Rock and Roll Never Forgets'' or a similar anthemic 70s classic.

- Roberta


I voted for WKRP for two reasons. One is the George Forman thing: age and experience can hold out over youth and strength. And the other is the Sweathogs will be so busy staring at Jennifer's pajoggies, they won't know what hit 'em when the WKRP team runs away with the game. (BTW, in RL Travolta has just improved & improved with age. Hope he keeps on keepin' on.). *GRIN*

- pjveber@awod.com


Simple decision. The team from WKRP are so accustomed to walking around invisible walls, they won't be able to make it from one end of the court to the other. They'll have to stop often to knock at an invisible door. To make matters worse, Johnny probably will see 20 or 30 balls, due to his drugged up state. Most of the time he will grab Epstein's head instead of the ball. One final note...The BIG GUY never made a good decision in his life.

Sweathogs 97, WKRP 92 (which includes 3 invisible baskets, and 2 dunks with Epsteins head)

- Derek


The heart-shaped bed will be the WKRP staffers' downfall. The fact that the pre-game pep-talk would undoubtedly be held at Jennifer's apartment (the door bell sings "dum, dadada dum, dadada dum") means that the rest of the crew will have had the chance to spy the heart-shaped bed that rests in the oh-so comfortable confines of Jennifer's bedroom. This should be enough to distract Herb, Johnny, Venus and even Mr. Cool, Andy himself. If that wasn't enough of an obstacle, Mr. Carlson will certainly be operating his remote-controlled car all over the basketball court (in the WKRP end so that he does not appear rude), leading to many step-and-falls. Jennifer will not want to break a nail and will complain that she doesn't want to get too hot while she is wearing her furs.

The sweathogs take it no sweat. Besides, Fever is probably in jail for killing old people.

- Larry Duval


Hey Man, the hogs are like from Brooklyn. No set of fools from sinsinaty or whateve' are gonna be able to take on a Brooklyn team. No Way. Just doesn't happen. As for Jennifer, we all know that Vinnie will just give her one of his famous Vinnie stares, and she'll come on right over to the Hogs side of the court. 110 to 36, easy money.

- NAK


Jeepers!

I just looked and the Sweatboys are ahead by 70 votes! I have found this grudge-match thing pretty funny but I haven't had one yet that I feel any emotional attachment to. But, this one! I swear if WKRP doesn't end up on top by a landslide there is no God in heaven!

WKRP rules! Barbarino and Washington might be a good frontcourt, but what after that. No guards, no bench (unless Kotter gets one of his many Uncles to play). In a word - they suck!

KRP will smoke them!

- Kevin O'Connor


Please guys next time come up with a grudge match involving TV shows that were on at some point in my life time. I've seen a couple episodes of Welcome Back on Nick at Night and it apears to me that they may be skilled at hurling spit balls, their is no way that they could get this far in the Olimpics (well maybee this year, the dream team has been Slacking off a bit). I've asked my parents and my sister (who though younger than me, knows a lot about basketball) about WKRP. Aparently they are going to be worse off, Dr. Johny Fever will be so high that you can forget about him finding the net, he won't be able to find the court. After the Drug tests come in, WKRP will be disqualified from the tornament and who ever was in 3rd place will have to face the Sweathogs in the Championship. The Real winner- Lithuania.

- kARMACIDE


This would be a great matchup if it were ever to take place. Unfortunately, this is Atlanta, so the bus carrying the WKRP team will get lost and drop them off at the gymnastics site instead. The WKRP gymnastics team will then go on to win gold mostly on the strength of Johnny Fever's drug-induced performance. After the competition, the olympic organizers accidentally switch the doping tests, and as a result, the entire British press corps is sent home.

Meanwhile, the Sweathogs are ushered by nervous security into a "waiting room" which looks strangely like the 3 meter diving platform. Arnold Horshack's first dive with bell bottom pants clears the pool of all water. A tearful Andrew Young is forced to announce that the diving competition has been cancelled because the organizers have been unable to locate replacement water.

So the Coca-Cola Classic Gold Medal (tm) goes to the team from WKRP.

-a bitter Thinkmaster General


It's WKRP by a KRPload, baby. Why? Experience and depth. I'll grant that the Sweathogs younger physiques may give them an early advantage, but once Coach K needs a substitution the pickings are mighty slim. His wife Julie is a natural point guard, but what about Woodman? Kotter'll HAVE to play him, otherwise it's his job. Besides this is the Sweathogs we're talking about here. Hardly a bastion of athletic prowess.

Now the WKRP staff has the edge on experience and depth. In addition to the aforementioned starters (Flytrap, Travis, Tarlek, Fever and Marlowe), they've got the best sixth man in the game, Bailey Quarters, who, after withstanding being in the same office with Herb for years, could flatten any Sweathog with her anger and determination. And when the game's on the line, you can only turn to Mr. Clutch, Lester Nessman. His game-winning catch in the softball game against WPIG was no fluke. He may not have the stamina, but he's got the touch, and will be a foul magnet for the swaggering 'hogs, leaving him on the line where he's unstoppable.

Final score: WKRP 101, Sweathogs 81.

- Derek Kompare


This has little to do with the outcome, but are Marge Schott and Mama Carlson one and the same? Might answer a lot of nagging questions.

- Jeff


After two hours of "Upclose and Personal" olympic coverage, (Including touching pieces on Vinnie Barbarino's slow fade into obscurity and phoenix like ressurection, as an actor playing a small-time hood in an offbeat movie; and Jennifers tabloid marriage and divorce to the Bandit.) the "live-on-tape" olympic broadcast opens with seven seconds left in the game with the Sweathogs leading by one, WKRP inbounding. Venus inbounds to Fever. Fever takes the ball upcourt against Horshack's ferocious man-on-man "D". Fever somehow manages to break free for an open shot to win the gold. Horschak is not yet finished with his defensive bag-of-tricks however. As Fever is set to release his shot, Horshack cries "Oooh!! Oooh!!". Fever is distracted just long enough,(he is hung-over from the night before), to throw up a brick that clangs off the front of the rim as time expires.

Tears of joy stream down the Sweathog's faces as "Welcome back..." plays on the arenas loudspeakers during the medal presentation. They are crying for joy, not only for the improbable win, but also for the endorsement money that they are now sure to make.

- John Duncan


Did you guys say that both teams defeated the Dream Team? By the lack of any Roman numerals, I assume you're talking about THE Dream Team (Jordan, Bird, Magic & Co.). This team destroyed everything in its path by 40+ points. God would have to send down a squad of Archangels to make the game interesting. And I'm sorry, but not even the all-powerful-anything-is-possible-sitcom-world could make either matchup anything less than a 100+ point blowout. Godzilla vs. Bambi would be more competitive.

However, considering that both of you believe you saw both victories, I come to the conclusion that the two of you are either (1) high on acid or (2) introducing the Opposite Sketches on You Can't Do That On Television. On second thought, maybe LSD is what's in those Barth Burgers. Come to think of it, that might explain Alanis Morissette's videos. Either way, it should have been a sign when you thought Cincinnati was an independent country. Brooklyn I can believe, BUT CINCINNATI?! COME ON!

Anyway, BOTH teams will win the gold medal game. Obviously, reality has no power here.

- Paul Golba


What has been overlooked is the nullifying "Totsy Effect". While Jennifer was definitely a looker, and even more so the quiet, smoldering Bailey Quarters, Hotsy Totsy did more than stand, she DELIVERED!

Although there would be a great deal of oohing and aahing from the sweathog bench until Barbarino seduced both Jennifer and Bailey, his two-minute high school boy performance would have him back on the court and smiling, ready for the game, while "Head" Cheerleader Totsy would have the entire Cincinnati squad occupied for hours. The WKRP-ettes, having become Vinny-ized, would no longer fascinate the sweathogs, except as locker room scuttlebutt.

End result, Sweathogs by forfeit. Hotsy, Fever, and Venus are never to be found again. Herb leaves home and becomes a monk.

- Brian Turner


This story is not about skill, endurance, or running shoe endorsements. This story is about who wants it more, and what are they fighting for - Plain and simple.

WKRP are not unified and purpose, and have no inspiration. Who do they have? Do you really think that Old Lady Carlson is enough to rally the KARPS to victory? Not a chance. They'd be out there for themselves (especially Herb) for selfish greed & lemon-lime sport drink endorsements. This is NOT the proper motivation for bringing home the gold, regardless of what's happening in Atlanta.

But look at the sweathogs: They're not goona bring home the gold for Principal Woodman, and they're not goona bring home the gold for selfish reasons. They have focus and unity of strength in a beacon of light represented by one person: Julie Kotter. `Let's win it for Julie!` they'll chant as they take the court - and THAT'S what wins the olympic gold.

No complicated analysis, no media hype. Just one word: Heart.

- Dave Tompkins


Epstein's Mother's postcard

- HotBranch!


Through two gruelling halves and three overtimes, WKRP and the Sweathogs find themselves knotted at 50 (obviously, neither team can through the ball in the ocean), but the advantage has clearly swung in the favor of the radio jocks from Cincinnati.

With three ticks left on the clock, Vinnie Barbarino has just picked up his sixth foul after trying again to paw the voluptous Jennifer, and he is forced to the bench, where he joins Mr. Kotter, Epstien and Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington, the only true basketball talent on the squad. That leaves the Brooklyn-born high schoolers with just one player, Arnold Horshack.

After Jennifer misses both free throws, Arnold calls a time out and heads to the sideline to talk to his coach, Mrs. Kotter. But out of nowhere, Mr. Woodman, the vice-principal at Arnold's school, races from the stands, madly waving a piece of paper. After a brief conference with Olympic officials, Woodman saunters from the arena madly laughing, "I told you I'd get you Sweathogs! I told you! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Sideline reporter Bill Walton finds out that Arnold has failed his history exam and has been expelled from school. Since he is no longer a resident of the school, the team has to forfeit.

As Herb Tarlek sings the national anthem during the medal ceremonies, the team from WKRP proudly waves their gold medallions, and Johnny Fever says they owe it all to Marge Schott and her rigorous Nazi training techniques.

- Christopher Floyd


after much careful consideration, the choice is obvious. the young sweathogs will just have too much for the radio boys to have a chance. I see it this way:

Dr. Johnny Fever- yeah right, like he ever ran before
Vinne and Jennifer are off in a corner somewhere
Venus is too worried about his clothes to step on the court
Les, do i really have to say anything?
Herb to busy sulking that Vinnie is with Jennifer
That leaves Juan, Horshack(not that he will help too much), and Gabe against Les, Mr. carlson, and Bailey.

The outcome is clear!

- Stephen Hester


Quite honestly, this contest will come down to pure basketball ability and crowd support. The crowd, as we all know, is the sixth man. And the Sweathogs (two relatively capable athletes in Barbarino and Washington, two not-so-capables in Horshack and Epstein, and one no-show in Kotter) about equal WKRP (two relatively capable athletes in Andy and Venus, one talented athlete *but* utter maniac in Johnny Fever, one not-so-capable in Jennifer, and one no-show in Herb). And besides, in this Dream Match, the Atlanta Olympic Staff is actually competent enough to stop all the shenanigans.

So, who does each side have cheering for them?

SWEATHOGS
Quentin Tarantino, the entire cast of "Pulp Fiction" including Uma Thurman (babe!), Kirstie Alley, Bruce Willis (remember, he was the voice of that little kid in LOOK WHO'S TALKING), Rene Russo (babe!), Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, Kyra Sedgewick (babe!), Forest Whitaker, and other guys who might have liked the other four people who weren't John Travolta. Oh, and everyone who's still nostalgic for disco.

WKRP
Everyone who hates Burt Reynolds (that outnumbers the entire Sweathog cheering section right there). The cast of "Head Of The Class". The entire southern Black population of America. (Remember, Venus Flytrap directed "Once Upon A Time When We Were Coloured".) That alien space ship in that Disney movie with the little kid who travelled through time and met Howard Hesseman.

Clearly, WKRP has the bigger morale boost. Final score: 101-88.

- Christopher Bird


As this is a 70's group grudge match, MOST of both teams would be eliminated during drug testing. The match would end up being a one-on-one contest between Les Nessman and the Principal from Kotter's high school. The geezer would bite down after five points. WKRP wins!

- d. b. burgess


Wasn't there another woman on WKRP? And, if I'm remembering correctly, wasn't she the same actress who played Kotter's wife? That would be such karma...

- Sasha Stavsky


Sweathogs is a much cooler team nickname than WKRP. Plus Johnny Fever is probably still tired and/or hung over from Lotsamethuselah (tm) last week. He's in no shape to run point for 40 mins.

-MCV


Gotta go with The Sweathogs. Not only do they have young, Southern stud Beau de LaBarre coming off the bench for when Vinnie Barbarino gets tired, they've got their own distractor in Rosalie "Hotzie" Totzie. Then factor in Gabe Kaplan's experience of playing a college coach in "Fast Break" (in charge of such players as UCLA National Champion vet Mike Warren (later seen on "Hill Street Blues") and NBA legend and perennial scoring leader Bernard King). The only hope that KRP has is if they bring in secret weapon Bailey Quarters. She was the only competent staff member and probably the only reason they stayed on the air in the first place.

- Gwymer


First, the turkeys are the clincher. Who can play with turkeys flapping about and crashing on the court. Finally, we all know vinnie (aka Travalta) is more concerned with chicks than sports (see Grease the movie). Washigton will balance with Venus. Any body see how good the Puerto ricans are in bball? I have, the suck. Epstein is at least as bad as jhonny. That leaves us with Horseshack vs. Andy. end of statement.

- TxWarEagl


Sure, there'll be a huge audience for the gold medal game, but real fans will be glued to their seats for the bronze game which will see the cast of the White Shadow up against the formidable Fame crew. The medal will of course go to the guys who can actually play, but the crowd loves a half time show, and will they ever get one! By the time the impromptu Fame dance and jam is over, the audience will be too tired to care, and they'll just take off to have some Cokes at Taco Bell while having their pictures taken with Kodak Funsaver Disposable Cameras.

- Chad Hessoun


1. Never under estimate the hair factor, if you think of an olympic basketball court, it has a fixed volume. Now in that volume place "Venus" from wkrp and Juan from Kotter, and it all boils down to whose hair has the most body. From my view point this puts WKRP in the lead.

2. Also, while you dismiss the "women" factor for the men at WKRP (as along with Burt, they have all had her) The boys from NY may want a piece of that Cincinnati vixin. Once again advantage WKRP.

My vote: WKRP

- Mark


i think that the sweathogs have it made. i seriously doubt that they can wake dr. fever up in time for the game without a large dose of illegal stimulant. and have you seen mr. kotter? who does wkrp have that can put a body on that guy. i think the crucial factor is the free throw line. wkrp isn't even gonna get one shot from the penalty stripe. (please excuse juan for his hammering travis on that last rebound, signed epstein's mother). looks like mr. woodman finally has something to be proud of.

- jeff


The Kotter team finds itself in trouble from the beginning. Barbarino fails to show, disappearing with the REAL babe of WKRP (and you just KNOW, secretly, a sexual dynamo) Bailey. Horshack is mistakenly fouled out of the game in the first minute by the official scorer because every time the whistle blows, he raises his hand and yells, "Ooh, ooh, ooh."

In spite of being handicapped by having only two players and a Puerto Rican, the Kotters keep it close until the final minutes when Fever, drinking steadily since tip-off, finally acquires enough coordination to put the KRP'rs over the top.

WKRP in a squeaker.

- John Reed


It is very evident that if two such sets of losers made it to the gold medal round of Olympic B-ball, the Olympic committee has been bought out or hoodwinked by a criminal element. Perhaps the '72 gold medal game referees have been resurrected for a '96 show of force.

Why would these two sets of bozos be propelled to the finals? It makes little sense. Who cares about a cutesy group of supposed products of the ghetto? Likewise for a lame group of radio personalities living on the fringes of the ever so hip town of Cincinnati.

There's a sinister element in the air, but the Mother Carlson connection is just smoke. She's nowhere near powerful enough to pull this off. Let's face it, the Olympics is about theatrics and entertainment. Raw sportsmanlike competition is irrelevant. How else would you explain days and days of gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized swimming? I'd pin the surprise final on the sinister entertainment connections and this entire Travolta comeback thing. It sure seems more plausible than Maytag pulling the strings for Gordon Jump.

- Dr. Joe


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Springfield v. South Park (Hockey)
M*A*S*H 4077th v. The Mean Machine (Football)
The Brady Bunch v. The Partridge Family (Roller Derby)

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