The first team has fought it's way from inner-city Brooklyn to be here. Portrayed on TV's "Welcome Back Kotter", these unusually aggressive athletes have shown real magic on the floor in their previous games. Star center is Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington. Forwards Vinny Barbarino and Gabe Kotter are known for their fast moves. Juan Epstein and Arnold Horshack round out the starting lineup. Although measuring in at a lowly 5'4", Horshack's devastating three-pointers have made him invaluable to the team.
Their opponents come from the city of Cincinnati, and all happen to work at the same radio station, WKRP. Although the average age of this team is older than the Brooklyn team, their experience and know-how have taken them to the gold medal game. Venus Flytrap starts as center, with Andy Travis and Herb Tarlek as forwards. Jennifer Marlowe starts as their distracting shooting guard, and the unpredictable Johnny Fever is running point.
What will be the outcome of this gold-medal game? We'll have to wait and see.
Additionally, you've got the pure athleticism of the remaining WKRP players. Fever, juiced up on drugs and caffeine, will be a blur up and down the court. And the pure athletic talents of Venus and Andy are obvious.
But all of this is irrelevant. At halftime, the WKRP coaching staff employs a little stragedy (tm). Realizing that her son was completely incompetent, Mama Carlson has taken over the coaching reigns. Mama, of course, will do anything for a profit and, well, there just simply aren't that many commercial deals for the silver medal team. At halftime she calls down the IOC and has some investigations done. It is soon discovered that Juan and Vinnie should actually be on Mexico's and Italy's teams, respectively. Once they are removed from the bench, Kotter cannot field a team and they forfeit. Some replacement players are called in to finish the game, but the Keatons just can't keep up with WKRP's fast break.
STEVE: That was a nice long-winded bit of commentary, but too bad you don't know what you're talking about. The Sweathogs will make mincemeat out of WKRP. First of all, Jennifer won't distract them as much as you think. She's too old for them, and besides, they'll already have plenty of women following them everywhere since they're now sports celebrities. Second, "Pure Athleticism"? That's a good one. Fever can hardly even get out of bed in the morning. Finally, Barbarino is as American as they come, and if Epstein gets deported anywhere, it'll be Puerto Rico, not Mexico.
The Sweathogs have a varied arsenal of their own to unleash upon WKRP. In the middle of play, Gabe Kotter will tell them a joke about one of his uncles or aunts. The joke will be so horrible that it will cause the WKRPers to cringe and double over in pain. In the confusion Kotter will rack up an easy 3. The Sweathogs will be unaffected by the joke, since they have built up an immunity over several years. Other verbal abuse can come from the junior Sweathog members. A snappy "Up your nose with a rubber hose" could easily break the concentration of any of the WKRP team. However, don't think they're limited to just verbal attacks. These boys are just plain aggressive and mean. They come from the ghetto, and get into fights daily. Epstein was in a gang. That temperament will come out on the court, sending WKRP home with a body cast and a silver medal.
BRIAN: Oh, I'm long winded. There's a newsgroup for people like you, Steve: alt.pot.kettle.black. First of all, Jennifer isn't too old for anybody. She thoroughly impressed Carlson's 11-year-old Nazi son ("Little Big Guy"). Jennifer's about 30 or so, prime age for everybody, especially high schoolers and retired CEOs. Note: we're talking about Jennifer Marlowe here, not Loni Anderson. I saw Jennifer this morning (Only on E!(tm)) and she looked as good as ever.
And to think any of Kotter's jokes will even affect the WKRP team is foolish. Are you forgetting some of the bad jokes on WKRP? Not only did the cast endure them, they told them. Kotter's "humor" arsenal might work on some (perhaps the cast of Cheers (tm)), but certainly not WKRP. Additionally, the "Sweathogs" remind me a lot of WPIG, whom our friends from WKRP bested on several occasions.
Midway through the first half, there's a time out. Across the nation, radio listeners hear this commentary: "This is Les Nessman reporting from Atlanta for the Gold Medal basketball game. We're in a time out with WKRP leading by 10. Arthur Carlson, team manager, is currently climbing along the catwalks to the top of the arena here. He said he had something big planned, but wouldn't tell anyone what it was. Wait, I see something! Something falling from the ceiling. It's a dark object, hurdling down towards -- OH MY GOD! It's a turkey! It's struck Gabe Kotter right in the head and knocked him cold! Here come several more! The entire Kotter team is being knocked unconscious! Oh, the humanity!"
Clearly, Kotter, et al must forfeit.
STEVE: How appropriate that you bring up Les Nessman. His "Silver Sow" award will soon have more comany -- a set of silver medals. Did you ever wonder why Les didn't get a "Golden Sow" award? It's because WKRP is a second rate station with second rate employees and hence second rate players. They usually manage to screw up everything they try. Of course, they usually manage to pass the blame around unlike shows such as Gilligan's Island. Do I sound bitter? If I do, it's because I spent a summer in Cincinnati. As I entered the city, I tuned around the dial looking for WKRP. Guess what! It doesn't exist! You can imagine my heartache and disillusionment. Such a show doesn't deserve to win.
For WKRP in Cincinnati and Welcome Back, Kotter links, visit Sitcoms Online.
Or visit The Flimm Building for WKRP information.
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The Sweathogs take an early lead on the strength of their backcourt. Epstein's learned lots of sneaky moves from friends in FSLN and the Mossad, while Horshack's distracting "Ooo-Ooo" defense is surprisingly effective. The first turning point comes when Jennifer takes her first look at Mister Kotter. That hair, that mustache -- the name 'Burt' flashes through her head, and suddenly she's tearing away at what she thinks is a bad toupee. She's ejected, while Kotter is carried off the court, his wife soothing his wounded scalp with a tuna casserole salve.
Les Nessman is pulled off the announcing table to sub for Jennifer, while Mister Woodman comes in for Kotter. The trade-off favors WKRP, and they pull ahead as their team gets into a rhythm. The Olympics uses a 30-second shot clock, and being radio workers, they have experience with half-minute spots.
Soon, however, Johhny Fever becomes disoriented and starts lecturing the Sweathogs in advanced history. He soon wanders off the court, and is replaced by Billy Connolly. Can you say 'Scottish basketball star'? No you can't, for good reason.
The Sweathogs surge again, but now Barbarino is in trouble. He's being hassled by a black man in the stands, who keeps asking him what the French words for 'Arch Deluxe' are. Barbarino keeps responding "What? Where?" at bad moments, so the Sweathogs can only get a 33-31 edge at the half.
Sensing the vulnerability, WKRP comes out of the locker room with a new strategy. Venus Flytrap starts some serious trash-talking every chance he can get. Nobody heard the pivotal dis, but Barbarino snaps, shouting "My mother is a saint!" and drawing two quick technical fouls.
In to replace Vinnie is Beau(remember *him*?), and the inevitable, irreversible slide begins. The rout spreads to the sidelines, as the WKRP Carp beats up on the 'loaner' mascot sent by WPIG to the 'Hogs. The game ends WKRP 68, Sweathogs 51, and 'White Rabbit' is played in lieu of a national anthem at the medal ceremony
- Call me Shane
1) Shooting - This one is a toss-up(tm). Epstein was in a gang, so should be an experienced "shooting" guard. Then again, Johnny "shooting up" Fever, with an obvious history of intravenous drug use, could also play a good two guard. But watch out for an overdose a-la Len Bias even before the opening tip-off.
2) Defense - This one has to go to the Kotter boys. Listen, if you're looking for a steal, are you gonna wanna go with Vinny "pick your pocket" Barbarino, and his cohorts Epstein, Juan, and Vinnie, or Jennifer Marlowe and company? Again, though a warning: Kotter needs to keep track of these kids before one of them gets caught pilfering towels from the Olympic Village(tm), leading to a DQ.
3) Rebounding - Another one for the Kotter boys. Where has happened to the WKRP crew after WKRP? Answer: not much. Johnny Fever managed to land a spot on the cheesy "Head of the Class", yet couldn't get anything going with Robin Givens. This kind of choking(tm) won't win gold medals. And Jennifer Marlowe? Well let's just say that starring in TV movies and making a cameo on "Melrose Place" just doesn't cut it. So who on the Kotters actually rebounded from the depths of professional nothingness and emerged a somebody(tm)? That's easy: Vinny Barbarino. This guy was on top of the world, with "Saturday Night Fever" and "Grease", but then found himself the joke of Hollywood(tm), making movies like "Look Who's Talking Too". But talk about a rebound(tm) - this guy makes "Pulp Fiction", and the next thing you know he's making $20 mil a picture!
4) Ball Handling - Let's see: a bunch of sex-starved teenagers or a bunch of over-the-hill old fogeys... Superior Ball Handling(tm), honed through hours of grueling solo practice sessions, goes to the hormone-charged Kotter boys.
5) Vegas Line(tm)- Kotter Boys by 14 1/2.
- Robert Efthimos
Meanwhile, across the court...
Kotter is fuming..."I had an uncle once that ditched his team for a girl
during a championship game..."
"No problem. You've got Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington on your side, he he."
"And don't forget Little Juan." pipes in Horshack. Juan just cleans his finger nails with his switchblade.
The whistle blows, telling the players to enter the court. Andy Travis and "Boom Boom" Washington take center court for the face off. But where is Les? No one hears his muffled cries as he is drug off to the locker room by none other than Brooklyn High's principle. Now, normally he would be trying to sabotage Mr. Kotter, but the gold medal will bring his school much needed revenue (for him to siphon off to his personal bank account off shore). Les is stuffed into a locker, not to be heard from until the Olympics leave Atlanta and school starts it's new semester, at which time, Les will no longer want a door to his office, but will regularly dine on Palmetto Bugs (cockroaches to you, yanks) and drink the blood from mosquitoes.
The game begins with "Boom Boom" winning the toss up. A quick pass from Kotter back to "Boom Boom" yields a big slam dunk.
"Up you nose with a rubber hose!" he says to Andy. the game continues with WKRP trailing slightly. Kotter, even though he is older and shorter, continually puts the moves on Venus Flytrap. Proving he just don't have the soulful moves he tries to portay on the radio.
"Wow Venus, you move just like a white guy!" shouts Kotter "I had an aunt once..." Venus is stymied for the rest of the game.
By half time, Fever is unconscious on the bench. As the teams would go one way, he would go the other. His drugged out body not being able to take the strain of running up and down the court. This, of course, has left "Little Juan" and Horshack double teaming Herb. His white leather loafers (with matching belt) and baby blue slack shorts in tatters after the beating the Dynamic Duo (tm) give him.
The lead is drawn out further by the two minute warning when back comes Vinnie "the Hit Man" Barbarino (the "Main Man in Amsterdam"). He and "Boom Boom" start a "Brooklyn Globetrotters" (tm) routine on poor Andy Travis, the only thing close to an athlete that WKRP has.
Final score 102 - 66 and for the national anthem, instead of the "Star Spangled Banner" (tm), you hear "Welcome back, to the place that you used to laugh about..."
Mr. Carlson, "Well, at least we get a Silver Medal to go with Les's Silver Sow (tm). By the way, Has anybody seed Les?"
True, Mr. Kotter has little basketball coaching experience, but you have obviously forgotten Mr. Kaplan's performance as Coach David Greene in the 1978 classic "Fast Break". If Mr. Kaplan can take a bunch of kids from the Big City and turn Podunk U. into a powerhouse to beat State U., then he will quickly make mincemeat out of WKRP.
Also, let's not forget that the real leader of WKRP, Andy, once sold out his own co-workers union efforts in exchange for concessions from Mrs. Big Guy. In short, the Sweathogs will run the drug-addled WKRP team into the ground, and Andy will do his best to throw the game in exchange for a better parking place and a perferred membership card to Jack's Discount Tight Pants Warehouse(tm).
However, this is completely irrelevant for as the sweathogs take the stand to accept the Gold medal suddenly the loudspeaker will blare out......
"Ladies and gentlemen. We have a late entry into the Olympic Games(tm) - Representing the Country of Absurdistan - Carver High!!!!!!!"
Slowly a chill will come over the sweathogs as the Hip-hoppin' high-fivin' members of the Carter High basketball team take the floor. They are lead by thier hard-nosed, but lovable with a heart of gold, coach - The legendary WHITE SHADOW. WKRP may have beaten WPIG, and the Sweathogs may have beaten WKRP but, EVERYBODY knows that the only guys who can beat Carver High are the one and only Harlem Globetrotters. Curly's bald head is nowhere in sight, and so are the Sweathog's chance of winning. Carver High wins and all of the members of the team learn a Valuble Lesson(tm) in the process. Heck, it's such a blowout they might even let that autistic kid into the game (or is that to obscure?).
And Venus? Why was he chosen for the softball team? "We'll have to have Venus of course," Les Nessman insists. Why? "Because you're a negro." Venus is trying to adopt the image of a 70's black man, hence the wardrobe not even he takes seriously. Any physical prowess attributed to him is based on stereotype. Face it, he's weedy and not that tall. Now, the vertically enhanced team from "Night Court" would be a different story...
- John Hunter
The second reason is more subtile, but very important at critical points in the game, the shows theme songs are played over the arena loudspeaker. The Sweathogs are inspired by their theme song, which tells of the return of an uplifting and well loved teacher who influenced each of their lives dramatically. The WKRP players, on the other hand, are distracted by memories of the one they left behind. Each time the singer says "Tell her I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati" Fever shreiks in greif, scanning the arena crowd to find his lost love, and making a turnover.
"Welcome Back Kotter" wins by 16, and it's not even that close.
By the way, Freddie Washington was overrated at hoops in High School. In fact, I think even Richie Cunningham could have beaten him when Richie was the hoop star.
- Ryan P Kelly
Though the tabloids break the story to the world, the WKRP guys are able to suck up to the olympic committee (Jennifer is no doubt involved), beat the wrap, and win by default.
- Eric Klinker
- Chris Volpe
- Benjamin Bretz, Sunny 106.9
Sweathogs 97, WKRP 92 (which includes 3 invisible baskets, and 2 dunks with Epsteins head)
The sweathogs take it no sweat. Besides, Fever is probably in jail for killing old people.
- Larry Duval
I just looked and the Sweatboys are ahead by 70 votes! I have found this grudge-match thing pretty funny but I haven't had one yet that I feel any emotional attachment to. But, this one! I swear if WKRP doesn't end up on top by a landslide there is no God in heaven!
WKRP rules! Barbarino and Washington might be a good frontcourt, but what after that. No guards, no bench (unless Kotter gets one of his many Uncles to play). In a word - they suck!
KRP will smoke them!
- Kevin O'Connor
Meanwhile, the Sweathogs are ushered by nervous security into a "waiting room" which looks strangely like the 3 meter diving platform. Arnold Horshack's first dive with bell bottom pants clears the pool of all water. A tearful Andrew Young is forced to announce that the diving competition has been cancelled because the organizers have been unable to locate replacement water.
So the Coca-Cola Classic Gold Medal (tm) goes to the team from WKRP.
-a bitter Thinkmaster General
Now the WKRP staff has the edge on experience and depth. In addition to the aforementioned starters (Flytrap, Travis, Tarlek, Fever and Marlowe), they've got the best sixth man in the game, Bailey Quarters, who, after withstanding being in the same office with Herb for years, could flatten any Sweathog with her anger and determination. And when the game's on the line, you can only turn to Mr. Clutch, Lester Nessman. His game-winning catch in the softball game against WPIG was no fluke. He may not have the stamina, but he's got the touch, and will be a foul magnet for the swaggering 'hogs, leaving him on the line where he's unstoppable.
Final score: WKRP 101, Sweathogs 81.
- Derek Kompare
Tears of joy stream down the Sweathog's faces as "Welcome back..." plays on the arenas loudspeakers during the medal presentation. They are crying for joy, not only for the improbable win, but also for the endorsement money that they are now sure to make.
- John Duncan
However, considering that both of you believe you saw both victories, I come to the conclusion that the two of you are either (1) high on acid or (2) introducing the Opposite Sketches on You Can't Do That On Television. On second thought, maybe LSD is what's in those Barth Burgers. Come to think of it, that might explain Alanis Morissette's videos. Either way, it should have been a sign when you thought Cincinnati was an independent country. Brooklyn I can believe, BUT CINCINNATI?! COME ON!
Anyway, BOTH teams will win the gold medal game. Obviously, reality has no power here.
- Paul Golba
Although there would be a great deal of oohing and aahing from the sweathog bench until Barbarino seduced both Jennifer and Bailey, his two-minute high school boy performance would have him back on the court and smiling, ready for the game, while "Head" Cheerleader Totsy would have the entire Cincinnati squad occupied for hours. The WKRP-ettes, having become Vinny-ized, would no longer fascinate the sweathogs, except as locker room scuttlebutt.
End result, Sweathogs by forfeit. Hotsy, Fever, and Venus are never to be found again. Herb leaves home and becomes a monk.
- Brian Turner
WKRP are not unified and purpose, and have no inspiration. Who do they have? Do you really think that Old Lady Carlson is enough to rally the KARPS to victory? Not a chance. They'd be out there for themselves (especially Herb) for selfish greed & lemon-lime sport drink endorsements. This is NOT the proper motivation for bringing home the gold, regardless of what's happening in Atlanta.
But look at the sweathogs: They're not goona bring home the gold for Principal Woodman, and they're not goona bring home the gold for selfish reasons. They have focus and unity of strength in a beacon of light represented by one person: Julie Kotter. `Let's win it for Julie!` they'll chant as they take the court - and THAT'S what wins the olympic gold.
No complicated analysis, no media hype. Just one word: Heart.
- Dave Tompkins
With three ticks left on the clock, Vinnie Barbarino has just picked up his sixth foul after trying again to paw the voluptous Jennifer, and he is forced to the bench, where he joins Mr. Kotter, Epstien and Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington, the only true basketball talent on the squad. That leaves the Brooklyn-born high schoolers with just one player, Arnold Horshack.
After Jennifer misses both free throws, Arnold calls a time out and heads to the sideline to talk to his coach, Mrs. Kotter. But out of nowhere, Mr. Woodman, the vice-principal at Arnold's school, races from the stands, madly waving a piece of paper. After a brief conference with Olympic officials, Woodman saunters from the arena madly laughing, "I told you I'd get you Sweathogs! I told you! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Sideline reporter Bill Walton finds out that Arnold has failed his history exam and has been expelled from school. Since he is no longer a resident of the school, the team has to forfeit.
As Herb Tarlek sings the national anthem during the medal ceremonies, the team from WKRP proudly waves their gold medallions, and Johnny Fever says they owe it all to Marge Schott and her rigorous Nazi training techniques.
- Christopher Floyd
Dr. Johnny Fever- yeah right, like he ever ran before
Vinne and Jennifer are off in a corner somewhere
Venus is too worried about his clothes to step on the court
Les, do i really have to say anything?
Herb to busy sulking that Vinnie is with Jennifer
That leaves Juan, Horshack(not that he will help too much), and Gabe against Les, Mr. carlson, and Bailey.
The outcome is clear!
- Stephen Hester
So, who does each side have cheering for them?
Quentin Tarantino, the entire cast of "Pulp Fiction" including Uma Thurman (babe!), Kirstie Alley, Bruce Willis (remember, he was the voice of that little kid in LOOK WHO'S TALKING), Rene Russo (babe!), Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, Kyra Sedgewick (babe!), Forest Whitaker, and other guys who might have liked the other four people who weren't John Travolta. Oh, and everyone who's still nostalgic for disco.
Everyone who hates Burt Reynolds (that outnumbers the entire Sweathog cheering section right there). The cast of "Head Of The Class". The entire southern Black population of America. (Remember, Venus Flytrap directed "Once Upon A Time When We Were Coloured".) That alien space ship in that Disney movie with the little kid who travelled through time and met Howard Hesseman.
Clearly, WKRP has the bigger morale boost. Final score: 101-88.
- Christopher Bird
- d. b. burgess
- Sasha Stavsky
- Chad Hessoun
2. Also, while you dismiss the "women" factor for the men at WKRP (as along with Burt, they have all had her) The boys from NY may want a piece of that Cincinnati vixin. Once again advantage WKRP.
My vote: WKRP
In spite of being handicapped by having only two players and a Puerto Rican, the Kotters keep it close until the final minutes when Fever, drinking steadily since tip-off, finally acquires enough coordination to put the KRP'rs over the top.
WKRP in a squeaker.
- John Reed
Why would these two sets of bozos be propelled to the finals? It makes little sense. Who cares about a cutesy group of supposed products of the ghetto? Likewise for a lame group of radio personalities living on the fringes of the ever so hip town of Cincinnati.
There's a sinister element in the air, but the Mother Carlson connection is just smoke. She's nowhere near powerful enough to pull this off. Let's face it, the Olympics is about theatrics and entertainment. Raw sportsmanlike competition is irrelevant. How else would you explain days and days of gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized swimming? I'd pin the surprise final on the sinister entertainment connections and this entire Travolta comeback thing. It sure seems more plausible than Maytag pulling the strings for Gordon Jump.
- Dr. Joe
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