World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

It's a sunny June day on the Atlantic coast in Chappaquiddick. Ted Kennedy strolls along the shoreline, looking for "nothing in particular," thinking about the upcoming elections. He is frustrated -- the Democrats are losing ground, this WhiteWater(tm) thing hasn't helped any; his party needs to sweep those elections or face long-term irrelevance in a smaller government. In his desperation, he has returned to the place where he was helped years ago with another problem. His needs do not go unanswered. With a whiff of brimstone and a puff of smoke, Satan appears before him.

"I, Satan, know of thine dilemma. Since thou hast already sold thy soul to me, thou must work for this one." Satan thinks for a moment, and then continues. "Boris Yeltsin has asked for similar help. Seems he's having a bit of a scare with some communist. I was hesitant to help him at first, heaven knows how I feel about communists, but this doth give me an idea. There shall be a great contest between Boris and thyself to determine who shalt receive mine aid! Since I like thee, Ted, it shall be in thy area of expertise -- drinking."

In seconds Ted, Satan, and Boris are transported (via a moving red line on a world map) to an isolated bar in Nepal. Ted and Boris are seated across from each other at a table. Ted gets ready by loosening his tie, and Boris is noticeably eager to start. The bar is filled with rugged locals donned in yakskins, wagers quickly being made between them. Satan starts the contest: "Begin. Trade drink for drink. Last one conscious wins their election!"

So Brian, who wins this drinking contest between Ted Kennedy and Boris Yeltsin?

Ted Kennedy Boris Yeltsin

Ted Kennedy


Boris Yelstin

The Commentary

BRIAN: I gotta go with the Russian on this one, Steve. He's got everything going for him. First of all, he's Russian. Yeah, Ted's a great drinker by our standards, but Russians (and the Irish) have a much higher standard. Saying Ted could keep up with Boris is like saying the MVP of the Arena Football League could start in the NFL. I don't think so. Second, he's got home field. Nepal is much closer to Russia then it is to Massachusetts. Kennedy is completely out of his element. The bitter cold, the high altitude, the military occupation of Katmandu that no one talks about: they all favor the Rooskie.

Third, and most important, Yeltsin has desperation on his side. The election is in a matter of days! If this doesn't work, he's got nowhere else to turn. And if you lose an election in Russia to a communist, first you drop out of politics, then you drop out of sight. This is last minute, life-or-death drinking for Boris, and his performance will show it. Kennedy on the other hand, isn't nearly so desperate. There's still months before the election and lots of things could happen. Plus, he's not the only one who can help the Democrats. There are no fewer than 3 Democrats who still have souls to bargain with. Kennedy is far from the last hope. Plus, he's probably just in this for the free booze. Boris in 75 minutes when Ted is slapped silly after fondling Karen Allen.

STEVE: You poorly underestimate the capabilities of Ted Kennedy. First of all, what kind of name is Kennedy? It's Irish! You yourself admit to their drinking prowess. Second, Ted has experience. His liver is a well-honed machine, and his stomach is made of titanium. Decades of drinking have made him virtually immune to the effects of alcohol. If anyone can hold their liquor, it is Kennedy. True, the Russians can drink, but one's nationality alone cannot compete against one of the world's elite drinkers.

Boris also has fatigue going against him. Unlike Kennedy, he is a very busy man, always on the go, running the country. This constant activity has made him exhausted and tired. As soon as those first few drinks hit, he will be unable to stay awake. It will be an easy victory for Kennedy. Kennedy will win in 15 minutes, and will celebrate by dancing the night away with the locals. Satan will have to leave the festivities early to finish building his golden fiddle for his next appointment.

BRIAN: So what if Kennedy is of Irish descent! Big deal! I'm of German descent but I prefer rum over beer, I hate sauerkraut, and I've never owned a BMW in my life. Both my family and Ted's family have been in this country long enough that any cultural or genetic ties to our ancestors have been completely blended away in that Great Homogenizer we call The Melting Pot (tm). Ted is an American. And it is by those American standards that you incorrectly call him "one of the world's elite drinkers." When it comes to athletics, business, higher education, freedom, and military strength, America is unsurpassed. But America is a drinking world power like Japan is a basketball world power. By America's standards, Kennedy is phenomenal. By world standards, he is mediocre at best.

Boris, however, is good FOR A RUSSIAN. That puts him among the international elite. And to say he's tired in any way shows that you know nothing of the corrupt nature of Russian politics. He hasn't worked in years. He tried to buy the election outright, but his opponent is shelling out the big bucks as well so Boris had to go higher up. And besides, Boris hasn't been around that long. When did The Wall (tm) go down? Not too long ago. How long has Ted been around? Thirty, Forty years? Ted is the one who is tired and, deep down, I think he's looking for an excuse to retire and grow fat off his pension in Palm Beach. Plus, he's got a nephew who tells him the action's pretty good down there. Boris in a little over an hour, giving Satan just enough time to make that trial in New Hampshire.

STEVE: I can't believe the things I'm reading. Are you insinuating that Ted had something to do with bringing down The Wall(tm)? Are you saying that Ted has actually been working for the past years? Are you claiming that he will voluntarily give up his last chance to bloat government? I think you need a good healthy dose of reality.

There is another issue that has been brought up in so many matches before, but I can't let it go by when it's so applicable here. Past performance. First, Boris is a Russian. What have we learned from years of cheesy spy movies and Tom Clancy novels? The Russians always lose. We, the Americans (Ted included), are the Good Guys (tm). We always win. Second, there's the name Boris. The only data available on the past performance of people named "Boris" comes from Rocky & Bullwinkle. That Boris was continually defeated by a moose and a squirrel! How pathetic. Boris is doomed to failure, and like it or not, Ted is going to be re-elected.

The Results

Boris Yeltsin (671)


Ted Kennedy (451)

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Voter Comments

Kudos to you, the readers, for one of the best crop of responses we've ever received. Picking three responses for ROTW out of the 10 or so that would normally have qualified was extremely difficult. Keep it up. -B

Response of the Week (tm)

the warm, wet sensation of the village cur licking his bloated forehead coaxed ted back into consciousness. ted rose from his own pool of vomit and wiped the congealing, half-digested remnants of a wendy's spicy chicken sandwich from his bloodless cheek. as his slippery hands grasped the rough wood of the table edge he thought, "maybe I can pretend i only slipped when i bent over to puke -- i'm sure i was only out for a minute." Ted lifted his bulk above the edge of the table and was greeted with the amber rays of a new dawn, rising and reflecting off of the virgin-white snows of a high alpine glacier; streaming through the window to be broken among the countless overturned shot-glasses and half-empty bottles into a million dazzling sparks. the humiliation of his defeat reached him at the same time as two white-hot daggers of pain seared their way up his optic nerves. his cry of anguish and misery was muffled by a thick, sticky goo gluing his tongue to the roof of his mouth. bile surged from his uneasy stomach and ted bent to relieve the purge. as he bent he spotted through a reddening haze a white slip of paper neatly placed under an empty bottle. the distraction relieved the moment, and ted straightened and grabbed the paper in a clumsy bear-paw grasp. as his vision cleared he made out the perfect, spidery script of boris yeltsin. it read: "you have learned much, young kennedy -- but you are not a jedi yet. da svadania, tovarish." "that damn russian stuck me with the check," mumbled the senator, as he slumped toward the floor and back into the welcoming arms of unconsciousness.

- jeff

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

The two titans of intemperance face off across the table. Lights are doused as both contestants ethanol powered noses cast a red luminance of Rudolphian proportions. Kennedy calls upon the spirits (and I do mean spirits) of bootleggers everywhere. Boris feels the support of the Russian population, 78% of which consume a pint of vodka a day. The conflict begins. Boris two fists bottles of genuine Russian vodka as Ted, in the spirit of NAFTA, chugs a fifth of Tequila. The consumption continues well into the next day. Boris, now thoroughly pickled, declares that Nancy Reagan borrowed one of his dresses and if he doesn't get it back he will send Yackoff Smirnoff's brother over. Kennedy, now wearing only his boxers, is momentarily stirred at the thought of Yeltsin in a dress but remembering Barney Frank quickly returns to his Tequila. Gradually it becomes obvious to Ted that swallowing the worms has been a tactical error. The LSD in the worms has induced hallucinations of Russian women with bulging arms and hairy legs, no wait, that's what they looked like when he walked into the bar. Kennedy begins to get woozy. Realizing he's losing he begins to panic. A reporter talking about this contest building bridges gives Ted an idea. He begins to ask Boris if he wants to go for a drive when he has another idea. He'll distract Boris with the female "assistants" he brought along and try to sleep off some of the tequila. Unfortunately the women have been "detained" by Arkansas State Troopers and are unavailable. Ted realizes all is losht... lost. Satan laughs as Kennedy falls from his chair comatose. Yeltsin by a pint.

- Adam Marti

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Its the classic case of a pampered life style vs. the school of hard knocks. While Teddy-boy might have been drinking while still in the crib, we have to remember that these were little sissy-mary drinks mixed by the butler. Good ol' boy Boris was mashing potatos and fermenting the juice in the streets with his buddies at an early age i'm sure. This is a more potent mixture more liken to wood grain alcohol and sterno, not like the pompus, ivy league, polo ground inhabiting, Massachusetts brand of girlie-girl concoction that Theodore has been used to in the past. Boris can down the most harsh stomach rotting substances around and wouldn't flinch whereas Ted would complain if there were no olive. Winner -----> BORIS.

- technical support

I could build a rather large file of all the reasons why communism produces unparralelled alcoholoics. But that would be rather pointless.. instead I will quote from a P.J. O'Rourke article containing this joke consisting of a dialogue between two Russians. (Okay, it was really two Poles, but trust me when I tell you that morbid humor and Communism go together like Pamela Anderson Lee and "enhancement surgery").

Man 1: I was drinking with my cousin from America, and you won't believe what happened after he poured his first glass...

Man 2: What?

Man 1: He put the cap BACK ON THE BOTTLE!!!!!

- Charles

At the heights of his depravity, the worst Teddy did was throw a few parties where he ran around without any pants on. But Boris has made speeches in front of the Russian parliament while totally tanked. This man is a serious drinker.

- Rick

This is an easy one. Although Kennedy will put up a valiant (tm Chrysler Corp) effort, Yeltsin will be out in front after the first hour. The two reasons are (1) mass and (2) schooling. Yeltsin has Kennedy by at least 30 pounds - and that is not high-protein American mass - that's 30 pounds of highly absorbent potato mass. He'll be able to soak up the first 30 pounds of alcohol before any has to enter his bloodstream. And that brings us to the second factor: training. Russian children of Boris's generation were given vodka (i.e. straight potato ethanol) in their bottles to fight the pervasive authoritarian ennui of living in Stalin's Worker's Paradise. By the time he was five, not only was he a certified alcoholic, his liver and pancreas were already in a fighting trim that no free world imbiber could ever hope to attain.

Kennedy has in his favor his long tradition of providing Senate service while snockered and his family roots in Ireland and his most important advantage - his enormous head. And we're not talking metaphoric 'big head', as in ego (e.g. the famous Kennedy Ego (tm)), but actual large bone-n-sinew. The voluminous blood capacity of that towering chunk of skull will allow him to out-drink any other American (unless Harry Dean Stanton, may his forehead be preserved, becomes an alcoholic).

But he can't overcome the mass, length and quality of training, and superb condition- ing of the former Head Red. (Who will lose the election even with the Evil One's help.)

- Xxact, Inc.

As much as it pains me to change my vote, I thought about it for a while and decided that Teddy would be no match for Boris. This is particularly painful for me, being the operator of the Ted Kennedy Whipping Post [dead link], but I think I have come up with a good reason why.

The decision is a no-brainer when you take the wives into account. Hands down, Teddy's wife is the better of the two. Now, when one considers what drives most men to drink, women are usually at the top of the list. Women just by themselves can lead to this effect, but couple their "womanhood" with ugliness, and I don't care what your heritage is, you'll drink straight vodka and like it!

Boris, God bless him, has to wake up next to that huge wisker-clad woman every day of his life. Not ideal by any streach of the imagingation, and who can blame him for taking a nip of vodka now and again. Teddy, on the other hand gets Vicki. Now, what (who) would you rather do, drink with your buddies in the Senate, or Vicki. I'll bet Teddy chose Vicki too, and as a result I think he probably is out of practice. His tolerance is no where near what it was at the time of the Willie Kennedy Smith trial.

Boris on the other hand... Poor Boris, it's not like Jenny Craig has opened up a branch office in Moscow. Nothing is looking up for him; not light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, I'm sure he's been drinking at a constant pace for a while now. His tolerance is at an all time high.

Boris wins thanks to Vicki!

- Doug

The reason those Rooskie boys can drink over there is because they have got good reason to. I mean lets look at their economy, for those clueless Americans (tm) out there I will explain it like this. When I was in Russia a few months ago I was in the bathroom and after the point of no return I noticed there was no toilet paper. Well, I happened to have about 5000 rubles in my pocket... and to make a gross story short when I walked out of there the only place that currency was circulating was down the bowl!

Now, the only thing that you have to drink about in America is your government. Well, that is not a valid excuse for Kennedy since he *is* part of that corruption.

It is going to be Yeltsin ordering up strait doubles of Smirnoff's(tm) for the two of them each time while Kennedy is reduced to ordering watered down Blue Maui(tm) spritzers on ice to try and stay in the game.

- Doug Hull

While it's true that Teddy has been drunk and not wearing pants most of the time since 1965, what a lot of people don't know is that Boris is only 27 years old!

- Dave Strom

Who faces the constant pressure that leads to drinking? Who's liver is in worse shape than the Mick's (when he was alive) and is numbed to the abuse? Is this a contest?

First, Teddy has been on auto pilot his entire life. He rode on the coattails of his politically entrenched brothers, and even relied on them to get him out of a whale of a jam. A relatively brain-dead electorate keeps him in office. When was a true battle ever waged? His drinking and philandering was motivated by the boredom that comes from a privileged life. "Was" is a key word in the previous sentence. There's no fire in Teddy's belly. Ever since he was married a while back, he has pulled up his trousers and supposedly put down the scotch. We all know it takes daily practice to be able to belly up to the table and out drink an opponent.

Boris has recently appeared drunk in public for crying out loud! The man is obviously a well seasoned drinker. His liver is pickled and he has the fire in his belly. He's faced pressures Teddy can't even imagine. A few simple examples drill the point home: the drawn out battles with Chechyna, fending off Zhivinovsky and Zyuganov, facing a reeling electorate who know nothing but the "security" of big government. Oops, nix that last one.

This contest is a blowout. Teddy is under the table long before Boris starts asking for something other than water

- Dr. Joe

Russians (to the best of my faulty knowledge) can hold their liquor better then can Irish (assuming there's enough Irish left in Kennedy to make mashed potatoes). You will rarely see a Russian acting like he's drunk off his butt, whereas I seem to remember more then one movie where the Irish are all clustered together singing bar songs, hic-coughing and passing out over barstools after nursing their (place an obsurd number here)th drink. Yeltsin's got this one. Of course, considering where the help is coming from, who'd want to win?

- ELJ, DA is on vacation.

Yeltsin is in a lose-lose situation. If he wins the drinking contest, he will probobly die days after the election from liver damage (it will be the straw that broke the camel's back). If he loses the drinking contest, he'll lose the election, but he will keep his life and probably go on to make large amounts of cash during a speaking tour, like all other deposed world leaders (guess, it's not really lose-lose). Looks like Yeltsin will throw the contest, become a great friend of Kennedy and start his speaking tour in Harvard. Satan's pissed because he didn't see this coming and goes over to Isreal to see if he can tempt Peres (it's never too late).

- Dave McGee, University of Oregon

What did Teddy say to MaryJo when she said "But Teddy what if I get pregnant"?

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it"

In the history of the Kennedys you can say what you want but they always win and get what they want. Ted will drink Boris under the tabe and either cause his nose to explode or cardiac arrest.

- Dad (tm)

After drinking and boasting for about an hour Ted senses that he's losing, Boris was raised under communism where the only form of escape was drinking vodka, he begins to get desparate. Ted suggests that they go for a ride. They step outside, the only form of transportation is a Yak. They hop on the yak and start riding, Of course they bring the bottle with them. Ted drives the yak to the nearest source of water. At the last second Ted jumps off leaving Boris with the yak. Somehow the yak tumbles onto Boris.

Boris drowns. Ted wins by default. Ted 2 - passengers 0.

- Ludfritter

Ever see Ted Kennedy 'hammered' at a press conference or other highly visible government function? No way. The same cannot be said for the esteemed Comrade Yeltsin. This means to me that Boris, while able to drink, is undisciplined. A talent, maybe - but a raw talent.

Ted, on the other hand, has mastered his alcohol-binging ability and will show no outward signs of intoxication - ever. He burns the candle at both ends and is physically and mentally strong enough to carry the whole thing off.

It is simply a case of man versus boy. Ted will win hands down.

- Steve Bevacqua

Everybody knows Americans can't hold their liquor, look at Ted Kennedy for example, where as the Russians need their potato punch to stay warm 9 months out of the year, waiting in the bread/toilet paper/etc./etc. lines can be cold.

Ted, was weened on the teet of America, Boris was weened on Vodka. Ted has had life rather easy, Boris scrapped his way to the top, which takes a pretty mean drunk, even by Canadian standards.

I say Boris power drinks for the first four rounds, builds up his points and skates to an easy K.O in the 11th hour.

- Mark Hall

Now I've never been to Nepal, but unless there's some young, half in the bag blonde chicks available for a drive home, Kennedy doesn't have a chance.

First, you see,Satan(tm) has made a terrible mistake on the part of longtime coat-tail rider(tm) Teddy. Ted's "expertise" is not, as you stated, drinking, but in fact womanizing.

The esteemed senator's evenings do start with the devil's sauce,but then takes a different path. Like the loin looking over a field of wilderbeast for the weakest victim, Ted will spot his prey from across the bar. [Ed Note: Did you mean "lion"? Freudian slip, perhaps?] After several drinks Ted's speech becames slured. He tells his victim he's not drunk,but in fact is using some esperanto(tm) learned in his "high society" private schooling. Next thing you know Ted's showing off his "Irish do it better"(tm) tattoo, and asking her to call him Tedalicious(tm). In truth, Kennedy's not an expert on drinking. He's just a womanizing drunk.

Secondly, If Kennedy loses he rides his private jet home to a multi-millon dollar estate with servants. The only assests Yeltsin will be freezing after a lost will be his own. If he loses he rides the public train to the Gulag FOR service to the state.

Third. During Gorbechev's visit to the states in 1991, he made a detour to my homestate of Minnesota. At the time I was indulging at a local tavern. Three seats down from me at this bar I see this guy, I swear on the WWWF Rulebook(tm), who looks remarkably like Yeltsin. Maybe he was tailing Gorby, I don't know. But this guy was pounding them back, one after another, and swearing in russian. He was there even after the cops hauled my ass out 4 hours later. Pounding them back. Bam,bam,bam. I seen world class athletes before. This man was definitely par for the course.

Outcome: After 8 hours Yeltsin has downed somewhere in the neighborhood of 1900 shots, and is starting to feel a slight tingling sensation. Kennedy has long since given up and is trying to talk locals into forming a lobby,and send some of that loose money his way.


Ted Kennedy beating Boris Yeltsin in a drinking contest? Nyet! I mean, Ted's okay; he's downed a few Bushmill's in his time. Hell, he even left a christening early because "he needed a few bloodys". But to put him up against Boris "the Spider" Yeltsin is like sending in a Shih Tzu against a pit bull. Being Russian, Boris was born with a thirst for vodka. And it's a well-known fact that ethnic Russian women are born with a genetic defect. They don't produce milk; they drip 90 proof Stoly from those twin taps. So - Boris' liver has been on the fast track since he plopped out. Boris has other advantages as well - Ted drinks to forget; Boris drinks to remember. And don't forget - drinking was an Winter Olympics event up to 1964 and the Russians owned that one. You gotta go with Boris - Moose and Squirrel were just lucky. He's primed; he's ready; he has a country to run. Boris wins - 68 minutes - and Ted slinks down to Palm Beach, picturing big-busted women in Mercedes convertibles and long cold bottles of Dom Perignon, 1967 (not shaken, not stirred).

- David G. Hughey

For a number of reasons, Ted is the big winner. Yeltsin is barely hanging onto his seat of power. Ted has no pressure at all. Dispite his worst behavior, he gets elected regardless. Second, the US does always win. Especially in a challange.

The primary reason is that Ted is going to be hell bent on not picking up the tab. Yeltsin is going to wake from his pool of vomit to one nasty looking bartender and a huge bill. Ted knows he just has to get to a car where his good overseas police buddies will escort him home for just a small token of his appreciation. They know the routine.

Furthermore, since Yeltsin has nothing but near worthless Rubbles on him, he will have to work off his debt by servicing the bartender's uniquely featured daughter's needs.

- Mark Kirschner

After being in the military and having partied with people from all over the world. (Russians included)No people can party like us the americans!! Ted can drink! dont get me wrong, i'm sure the ruskie can put a few back. But here in america we are taught from a young age that you must drink to be cool its everyplace you look. billboards, newspapers, TV everyplace you go!! I dont think the same is true for Russia. What chance does a washed up alcoholic have against an American Party Animal like Ted? None!! Ted in 45 min of non-stop shots!

- Peace,

Kennedy might be out of step with the American public, but Yeltsin can stagger down red square with the best of them. Everything in Russia staggers. The people. The parties. The economy. They stagger but for the last 1000 years, they've managed to keep their mouths above water. Kennedy, on the other hand, drinks two quarts and he's diving for the bottom of Chappaquiddick.

Kennedy might be a drunk, but he's not getting drunk on rotgut. Nope. Ted's a top-shelf alchy and I doubt very much if Nepalese liquor, a cloudy concoction strained from Yak piss and sherpas' socks, will be agreeable to Ted's palate. Yeltsin, on the other hand, will find this concoction a virtual ambrosia and what he doesn't sock away in his gullet will be transported back to Moscow in an old tank converted into a tour bus.

Lastly, there is method in Ted's madness. He's not just a drinking fool. He's a drinking, philandering fool. Put Ted in a bar full of gorgeous women and he'll polish off the first bottle as breath freshener. But there has got to be good lookin women around. Ted aint pickin up a bottle unless there's a deft case of the clap to pick up with it.

If you've ever seen pictures of Nepalese women, you know Ted won't be drinking much there.

On the other hand, Yeltsin, a first-rate, butt-pinching skirt-chaser in his own right, will be right at home. Even a refitted tank looks good compared to a Russian dame. Throw Yeltsin in a Nepalese bar with a couple of saucy yaks and the first three bottles are going straight to his woody.

It's Yeltsin by two and a half cases.

- Edward Eubanks

Not too many people know this but that time that Boris was in the hospital (pick one) he had the finest high tech equipment placed into his body, making him in affect the worlds first bio-borg. He is mostly human with biological and organic functions, but has a mini supercomputer inside his body giving him special powers, such as telepathy, enhanced speed, and of course immunity to the affects of alcohol. Therefore Kennedy doesn't stand a chance.

But that's just what I heard, I could be wrong.

- Stefan Kastenmacher

Boris (The Shotgun) Yeltsin will cream Ted (The Revolutionary) Kennedy. The reasoning behind this is quite simple. Ted will not be up for reelection for another four years, while Boris is facing an election thats nearly on top of him. Ted can wait to call upon the services of the lord of darkness until he's actually facing competition. Besides, Ted was fooled. The prince of lies said that the winner would win _their_ electionÉ he didn't say shit about the party, and it was the party, and Clinton (also no stranger to the ruler of hell) that caused Ted to go wandering by Chappaquiddick again.

this contest goes glasses down to boris.

- st942593

It is obvious that a vodka loving RUSHsky will beat two commies in this competition- the first being Ted Kennedy, then that other commie in the election. Look at recent history- that conservative won in Isreal, there's a conservative in charge of Socialist(tm) France, and conservatives swept our own congress less than two years ago. Communism is falling and failing around the globe, socialist countries are in major debt (including our own), and the only thing Castro has going for him is his cigars, which he doesn't even smoke anymore! Boris in 30 minutes.

- Phil

Kennedy comes from a long line of drinkers - a family with money, power and seemingly hollow legs. When Joe Kennedy died, there was no need for embalming fluid to preserve the body for burial. Undertakers found he had been pickled for years. Jack Kennedy regularly lined the Oval Office with alternating shots of rum and tequila, and made his way around the room, phone in one hand, lifting little glasses of ``lumbar medicine'' with the other, until he would finally pass out in his favorite, padded rocking chair.

With a history like that, it's got to be Kennedy, hands down and bottoms up!

- roberta

Silly American fools! All the chatter about drink and the relative capacity of the participants has blinded all to the one weakness in Ted's character that the Russians (all of 'em, we're talking national pride here) can use. Women.

I mean, sure there is the stereotypical Russian woman Ludmilla but what about all those Natashas in the KGB (currently out of work)? What better way then a bunch of voluptuous trained killers to distract the legendary Kennedy libido?

The combat opens with Ted and Boris facing one another when suddenly the door opens revealing five gorgeous women who quickly shed their mink coats to reveal low cut black evening dresses with thigh-high slits and pouting lips who fall all over Ted asking his if he can point them in the direction of Palm Beach. Thus distracted, Ted misses the entire competition.

Boris in one shot (although he finishes off a couple of gallons just to be sure).

- Keith Morrison

I must say that Steve's last minute pathetic attempt bring up the old "good vs bad" argument that has been repeatedly debunked in the WWWF. Steve's lame attempt to bring cartoon logic into a political drinking game also had nothing to do with my vote. I acknowledge the fact that most political tactics seem like old "Natasha and Boris" escapades, and the point was valid. Nevertheless, Steve is completely wrong, ergo Boris Yeltsin will drink Teddy-boy off a himalayan cliff.

- n9541304, Western Washington University

Well, let's look at not only the contestants, but who is hosting the contest. Since the Prince of Darkness himself is hosting this drinking contest, he's going to put his special brand of ironic twist on it. In this case, it will manifest itself in what he serves to Ted and Boris.

Ted, being the hard drinking Irishman, normally enjoys a good stout, or a hearty Irish or Scotch whiskey. To him, Beelzebub will serve Kamchatka Vodka, not anything quality like Stoli, mind you, but the cheap stuff I used to spike punch with when I was in college.

As for Boris, he'll get the shittiest blended scotch money can buy, and the Beastmaster can find it.

So both contestants are drinking at a relatively poor rate (say one shot a minute), for about a half hour, at which time both lose their respective lunches. Both collapse onto the floor, where they wallow in their own, well, y'know, for a while.

So it's a tie, right? NO, because, as Ambassador Kosh on Babylon 5 is so fond of saying, "Understanding is a..." oops, wait, wrong Kosh saying. Oh yes, "You have... forgotten something."

That something is that Ted Kennedy, besides being a liquor sink, is also a master womanizer! Granted, there isn't much in the way of women in Nepal, but if Karen Allen could hack it there, perhaps some other gorgeous babe could. It is this gorgeous babe who will come to the aid of Ted Kennedy, and distract him from getting back to drinking.

Boris, who has no such problem with women, eventually staggers up to the table, and finishes not only his own p*ss-poor blended Scotch, but also Ted's Kamchatka.

All of this transpires in an hour. Yeltsin wins, and Kennedy goes back, happy, because he personally isn't up for an election until 2000, and he bagged another babe!

- Dan McD.

I think Ol' Scratch has made a bit of a miscalculation here. I mean, if the TV isn't lying to me (and you know it doesn't), then I understand that the concept of DRINKING TOO MUCH has no meaning for these consummate professionals. So, the real question is not who will pass out, but HOW MUCH ALCOHOL does that bar have? Does Satan have infinite booze? I thought about answering this question using the Web, but thought better of it. I thought about consulting an expert theologian or philosopher, but then I thought, why rely on apocrypha and muddled half-truths? So I decided to answer it using the power of the early 80's. I went and dug up my trusty old copy of AD&D Deities and Demigods, but couldn't find anything. I'm not even sure if my friend's copy which is like the original edition that he got from his older brother has any more info, so that means the 70's doesn't know anything about this Satan/Infinite Alcohol thing either. I guess, like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop (actually, 273), or those mysterious Artesians and their wells, there are just some Things the World May Never Know.

Ok so maybe, just maybe Yeltsin might fall asleep just out of being tired or whatever. So let's give this one to the homeboy, and wait for a rematch at the Olympics. Kennedy in 6 hours.

- Dave

Kennedy is going to be the winner here, but not because of his own drinking ability. The key factor here is going to be the location. Sure, Nepal has a Russia-like climate, but there's one thing that is really working against our competitors here: altitude. Nepal is much higher up than either Boris or Ted is used to. The air is much thinner. Now, neither one is in great shape, but Boris seems to have a few more pounds on him than Ted, who, of course gets plenty of exercise from chasing women. Who heard or Yeltsin exercising in any manner? His greater weight means he requires greater oxygen. The thin air in Nepal will cause him to pass out with hardly any help from the booze. In a lower-altitude setting, Yeltsin would be a good opponent for Ted but in Nepal, he hasn't got a prayer.

- mrl

You don't think those yak herdsmen with the big hearty sense of humor aren't going to try to slip one of these guys a mickey?

Never mind the yak herdsmen -- we've got Satan running the contest. Satan! HELLO!!!!! You don't think SATAN would cheat??? Come on guys, this is SATAN we're talking about! You don't think he really wants anyone to WIN this thing, do ya? And he's running the show!

Here's what's going to happen: Satan is going to put something in the booze at some point, and Boris is going to not be able to tell the difference, and he's going to be in serious trouble. Whereas Ted, with his discriminating palate not dulled by decades of an unrelenting diet of JUST vodka, will spit out the offending brew, leap up out of his chair and scream, "GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!!" for the benefit of the CNN cameras which will of course be there bringing this incredibly important news story of the battle between Boris and Ted to our living rooms. TED WINS! Not only does Ted save Boris' life, hence earning the Russkie's lifelong friendship and loyalty and creating a newfound political resolve in his backbone to embrace democracy and capitalism and all that good American stuff for the folks back home, but by staring down ol' Lucifer on live TV, he completely revives his own political career, is nominated at the Democratic National Convention by acclamation, is elected president by a massive ground swell of popular support (INCLUDING the conservatives and the Christian Coalition to boot!) and changes the face of American and world history forever.

Never, but never, underestimate a drunk Kennedy.

- Ellen

Yeltsin is a Russian, these bastards are born with vodka in their veins. Plus, the man knows how to party! Did anyone see his display of partytime on CNN when he was dancing on a stage during a rock concert. Desperation can make you do many things, but it'll never make a President of a country dance like a moron in front of the people he's suppose to be leading. Obviously he was drunker than drunk, a state Ted can never accomplish. That's my $.02

- Jim

You have to go with Ted Kennedy in this situation because he is a veteran of drinking. The scandals and ridicule Kennedy has received over the past few years certainly helps him in the competition. He could probably go through many bottles of booze due to his liver being the size of a small city block. I know Boris lives in the land of vodka, but I see him as a teetotaler compared to Kennedy. At the end of the competition, Kennedy's blood-alcohol level should be quite a bit above his percentage of votes received in the next election.

The russian contingency may disagree with me, with the russian elections around the corner, but it is a proven fact that the U.S.A. has beaten Russia in everything. Rocky beat the Russian in Rocky IV (correct me if I am wrong). Our women look more feminine than their women (you gotta pluck those mustaches, ladies). And the eagle could pluck the eyes out of the russian bear. The choice is obvious, it is U.S.A. all the way.

Also, it is a proven fact that alcohol freezes at a lower temperature than water. So, whoever drinks the most has the better opportunity of survival in Nepal. Kennedy's liver wins in a landslide.

- Big Mike

Seeing on 60 minutes that in Russia vodka out sells milk, I'd have to go with Yeltsin.


While waiting and waiting and waiting for Kennedy or Yeltsin to pass out, hell freezes over, making satan powerless. (If there ever was two people who could drink till hell froze it would be these two) He is unable to help either man and they both loose the upcoming election. Satan meanwhile, was last seen on his way to Las Vegas.........

- Chris

I don't think you should display the current vote totals - I bet those damn Commies were behind and have now stuffed the ballot box!!

- Bonnie and Steve

It all comes down to two things: Capacity and stamina.

Ted Kennedy has demonstrated an incredible amount of capacity in his ongoing ability to swallow Clinton's acrobatic lies. He even seems to absorb them all and echo them.

Ted Kennedy has also shown great stamina. Anyone who can extricate himself from an underwater car in which a girl is drowning and swim by himself to the surface to continue campaigning is a stalwart indeed.

- Twoey Clarke

It's Boris, in a laugher. He's kept right on with his drinking, training for this contest, while Ted's settled down, gotten married, cut back way too much on the boozing. And Ted's never really been too good functioning when he's drunk, while Boris runs his country in an intoxicated state. Hell, he was toasted when he came over here for his summit meeting! Ted just hasn't made that kind of committment to his boozing. He can't match Boris. Yeltsin in a half-hour, tops.

- doc, George Washington University

Of course Yeltsin will win! He's going so many things going for him! Now challenge the same two contestants to a flatulence contest! Bet Kennedy wins that one.

- Frances

It's one thing to be drinking Stoli's behind the iron curtain, but to be synonymous with the phrase "boozing politician" here in America is another story altogether. Anyone who can establish such a reputation in a country that has spawned Taft, LBJ, and Marion Barry would easily trounce some amateur decadent debaucher in any sauce.

- the master of RAYality...

Ted is pretty much useless when he's twisted (except for the nice Nat'l Enquirer photos) while Boris runs a country with one hand on the button and the other on a tap! Most impressive!

- Michael A. Young

Your missing two important factors: 1)the bulk factor; and 2) what they'll be drinking.

While Boris has begun to put on a nice belly, there is no way he is in Ted's class. The more bulk, the more you can drink. Ted starts out with a big advantage.

Second, Boris is a Vodka(tm) drinker. Ted looks like a Scotch Drinker(tm). In Nepal, they'll probably get Fermented Yak's Milk, at least once they drink up the the good stuff. Boris will never stomach it, but Ted, being of Irish descent, can drink anything. Ted in a walk (if he still can).

- John Greenan

Since the combattants are meeting on neutral ground (Nepal) one assumes that they will be pounding back equal quantities of the same drink. Which automatically gives the contest to Yeltsin.

So they both drink lots - yeah, but look at what it is that they drink. Ted Kennedy gets drunk off wine spritzers and Pink Ladies. Boris Yeltsin, on the other hand, has spent his entire life drinking


I once smoked a pack of Russian cigarettes. I mean, American smokes are designed to kill you, but Russian smokes are designed to kill you RIGHT NOW. Similarly, American drinks are designed to make you tipsy, but


was scientifically designed with the specific purpose of freeing you once and for all from the pain of living under an oppressive totalitarian state. That Boris Yeltsin is still alive testifies to his supernatural constitution, and points to his eventual victory. So no matter what they end up drinking - from warm yak's whiz to rubbing alcohol - Yeltsin wins because has the stronger stomach based on his drinking history.

-Thinkmaster General

I just saw Yeltsin's "campaigning" on TV. He was pulling a Bill and tapping into the youth vote by showing how hip he is. Boris "the Bear" Yeltsin was dancing to some bizarre Russian accordion disco, and something was terribly wrong because nobody kicked him in the shins for once again embarrassing Russia in the eyes of the world. I tell you, NOBODY dances like Boris The Bear. Words cannot describe the spinning, jerking, desperate motions of the Human Sputnik. Anyways, seeing this gave me new insight into The Bear's substance abuse problem: LSD.

Yep, Boris may have at one time been into alchohol, but he is now obviously taking a more unconventional route to mindless bliss. No one could have danced like that lest he were on Acid. Based on what I saw, he's too fried to pick up a glass, let alone enter a drinking contest. Ted will be able to down one after the other as Boris communes with the walls.

Plus, the Devil is not above rigging the game (Job 1:8-12), and would do everything in his infernal power to further the career of his favorite son.

- Capt. Howdy

I think it's pretty obvious that Borya could kick Ted's little wimp ass any damn day of the week. If you really want to know you should ask Billy C., I'm sure that he has been drunk under the table by both of them. Ted's just a bleeding heart liberal, Borya is a hard line communist opportunist turned "capitolist democrat" (yeah right) this man is conniving enough to hide a bottle or two in his cheeks.

- Thayer

[Boris] is an old fogey. He doesn't care if he dies of alcohol poisoning because he will either be assasinated within the next 2 years, or die of old age within the next 3. My vote goes to Boris Yeltsin.

- Student and/or Staff at some school in Canada

Boris will definately win. No question; no doubt. Everyone seems to have forgotten that Ted doesn't drink any more. Not a drop. A reformed alky with a new wife and a new attitude. Sorry, but Boris walks away with this one. He's got neo-communists on his tail, neo-fascists all around him, and American neo-yuppies trying to turn Russia into a giant mall. Russian vodka by the case sounds pretty good to me.

- Anthony Wilson

I lived in the former Soviet Union for almost 2 years, studied their history, and stayed in touch with Yeltsin's activities for about 2 years in addition to reading his autobiography. This man is a TANK!! He can go forever. I'm talking drinking, politics, volleyball, or camping! You name it he can you do anyone! But drinking is his forte. What's all this stuff about beer? Yea Americans drink beer but those Russian drink VODKA! Beer isn't even considered alchohol over there. Being an alchoholic Yeltsin won't even be drunk before Kennedy has passed out!!

- Trevor Allred

My reason for the Yeltsin vote is quite simple: Wednesday of this week CNN showed footage of a Yeltsin youth rally in Red Square complete with a Russian rock ensemble. Boris, in order to show his "with-it" side was attempting to give up the funk--he was standing on the verge of getting it on to quote the Clinton (George) who should be in the White House (tm). I've also seen Ted dance, and boris is no Ted Kennedy. While Kennedy does sort of a beached baleen shuffle, Yeltsin hops about with a St. Vitus vigor, with no regard for the vagaries of rhythm. Any man who can dance with that kind of frantic verve could eaasily outdrink a fixture such as Ted

- James Robertson

Yeltsin HAS to win this one for the two reasons not touched on in the commentary...medical technology and Darwinism.

How do we take care of medical problems here in the West? We operate...transplants, bypasses, bodypart-ectomy and so forth. What is the accepted pre-operation procedure in the West? Gas the sucker with nitrous.

How about Russia? In the best of the Communist times, organ recipients would have to wait outside the hospital in lines for weeks at a time. By the time the infirmed finally reaches the hospital, the needed organ would have sold out. Perfectly healthy Russians would actually get in a hospital line without knowing what organs were actually being given away. Their logic would be that it must be something good and that they'd probably need it by the time they got up to the front of the line.

Now, in the capitalist times, organs and operations go to the highest bidder and are too expensive for most Russians. A apendectomy now goes for several times the lifetime wages of the average Russian, which is the equivalent of US$19.95.

Now, what does this have to do with Yeltsin's impending victory? Well, Yeltsin is descended from generations of Russians who have survived the lack of extra organs and operations. That makes for some tough cardiac muscles, arteries, kidneys, and yes, livers. And when they DO have operations, what is the anesthetic of choice? You got

And don't forget that the Russians are great Darwinists. Just look at the theory of Marxism. The fittest economic ideology replaced inferior ones: Agricultural communities replaced by feudalism replaced by capitalism replaced by communism replaced by capiatalism. And if we apply this to the Russians themselves, they have evolved to the point where their bodies have no need for the vast majority of their organs, making them almost immune to alcohol poisoning if not depression.

Kennedy will lose either by passing out or by the necesity of leaving for a liver transplant. Yeltsin will win and be well enough to meet a head of state (albeit he'll do his George Bush in Tokyo impression) the next day.

- Peter Lanagan

Cold War Kremlinologists or Russian historians would have no problem with this match-up. Boris, easily. Why? Consider the vital role played by alcohol in Russian politics. Peter the Great threw extraordinary drinking parties, attendance at which were vital to a young nobleman's ascent. Slip under the table too soon, and you could find yourself with a red-hot poker stuck up your..., ahem. Well, Pete had a short temper.

The Soviet era was no different. Look at Lenin. The Russians claim that their brilliant medical science kept him well preserved for more than half a century in his mausoleum. What science? A bottle or two of Stolnichnaya (tm) a day when he was alive would more than suffice for long-term pickling.

Stalin. Miss one of his known-down drag-outs and it's a one way ticket to the Gulag. Become his drinking buddy, and you might just survive to get your turn as boss (if the drinking didn't kill you first). That was the secret political skill of world-class politico-boozers such as Khrushchev, Brezhnev, et al.

Remember that Boris spent most of his career drinking his way up the nomenklatura career ladder. It is also significant that his big (but ultimately temporary) setback came in his confrontation with Gorbachev, who was an anti-alcohol crusader. Is that a coincidence? And did the collapse of the USSR political system under that temperence crusader a coincidence? I don't think so.

In contrast, US politics is not anywhere as strongly driven by alcohol. Rather it is ideology- and money-driven. Ted Kennedy simply does not have the drinking skills and experience (the money, yes he does) that Yeltsin, by necessity, has carefully honed over years scheming in the Kremlin labyrinth. Look at the results: Yeltsin has emerged from the rubble of the Soviet Union to reach the top, the fruits of long years throwing back vodka. Ted Kennedy, as President someday? Don't make me laugh.

- L. Knee

Kennedy will easily win. His past performance in various situations proves his ability to get the old liver working.

An old example best demonstrates Ted's superiority: Ted has had a good number of drinks and is driving a female campaign worker home. Suddenly, (through no fault of his own) the car plunges off of a bridge ala Imus(TM). Does the inebriated Ted panic and drown? NO! He easily swims to safety (even though the alcohol in his system would kill a large horse). Not only, though, does he swim to safety, he knows enough to abandon the only witness who could accuse him of DUI, and he disappears for eight hours so that his turbo-charged liver can remove all of the alcohol from his system. It can be plainly seen that Ted is a masterful drinker who does well under any pressure.

Boris, on the other hand, has been hospitalized twice in the last year for his heart condition, so its safe to say that he may not be too eager about downing 35 shots of Stolchanya(TM).

- Robert Jordan

NOTE: Due to forces beyond his control, the regular writer of this piece, Paul Golba, is unavailable. He is replaced this week by C-SPAN coverage of radio shock-jock Imus in the Morning, already in progress (*Words in *_* are of Imus himself*):

*And now with analysis and commentary on major issues of the day, here is Imus in Washington's Senior Political Correspondent, the late Richard M. Nixon:*

Thank you very much, ~/Imus in the Mooooorning/~. HeHeHe. Well, let's get right down to work, shall we. Only one issue this week, Don-O, but it is a doozy: Ted Kennedy vs. Boris Yeltsin in a drinking contest. *What?* Did you hear about this one? *Uh, no.* It was on the Internet. It's all the rage! Get this - they have these two swapping shots until one passes out in a competition for Satan's help. As a Republican president during the Cold War all I have to say is - I LOVE IT! IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS! I can see more political Grudge Matches in the future. Bill Clinton and JFK locked in the Playboy mansion overnight. Joe Biden and Perot's VEEP Stockdale in a speech writing contest. *How about Spiro Agnew versus Marion Barry in criminal chutzpah?* Well, then again, maybe not.

Now to the issue at hand. We all know the Kennedy's have a major weakness for the sauce. I think we've all heard the Kennedy motto. *You mean, 'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country'?* No, Don-O, "You're not drunk if you can hold onto the floor"! HeHeHe. Yes, the Kennedys are an American institution when it comes to drinking it up. But then again, have you seen Ted recently. *Uh* Remember the Iran-Contra hearings - he looked a heartbeat away from NOT having a heartbeat, if you know what I mean. And he is going to outdrink a Russian? These people drink Vodka like water. To say it mildly, I DON'T THINK SO!

However, as much as it pains me, I have to go with Ted on this one, Don-O. You know why? *No* BECAUSE BORIS WILL ALREADY BE DRUNK! You know if Boris is selling his soul to Satan, he's in REALLY bad straights. By the start of the competition, he'll have the tolerance of a ninety-year-old grandma charter member of the Prohibition Party. After a couple more shots, he'll be making passes at even you, Don-O. HeHeHe. *FINE* Even Teddy can beat that! Heck, even I could beat that! Boris is going to hit the floor faster than you can say "NO, A BUD LIGHT, COMRADE!"

Now before I conclude, I have a final thought. First, as someone who has had bad experiences with this sort of thing before, I don't think Ted will be content with his latest "deal with the Devil". True, he will win his election but, as we all know, there is always that hitch attached. *You mean like Watergate?* No, like Checkers! What do you think I'm talking about! Ted will remain in the Senate - to make people like Al D'Amato and Jesse Helms look good in comparison! There is nothing like a prominent congressional clown to keep the other party in power. As for Boris, even if he wins the election, he'll be lucky to last six months with the condition his liver and kidneys are in.

Well, anyway, that's my two cents, seen through the Dick Eye's view of a former President of the United States.

[Sound effects of a car skidding out of control and crashing off a bridge into a river, followed by water-garbled cries of a women screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP!" before fading away underwater.]

- Paul Golba

Come on guys, this isn't even going to be close. First of all, lest we forget that although Russia is nominally a 'democratic' state, a lot of the apparati of those sixty years of Commie rule still are in place--and that includes domestic security forces. Remember, Russian press always talks about "rumors" of Yeltsin's drinking...there's nothing rumored about Ted Kennedy. For God's sake, every time the man drops his pants, it's page one. So for all we know, Boris has a heretofore untapped resevoir of drinking prowess that we just don't have any reliable intelligence about. Second, Ted's going to make a serious tactical error, all because of his psychological makeup. Think about it. All his life, he's been living in the shadow of his two older brothers. It's eaten away at him for thirty years. Now Yeltsin, like most Russians, is a drinking sprinter. He'll sit down at that table and have six Stoli's down before the starter's pistol has finished firing. Ted, the poor bastard, is going to try to pace him--when everyone knows the Irish (even the ones diluted through two generations of emigration) are distance drinkers. Inside of 30 minutes, what's left of Kennedy's liver will take a very sudden and very violent trip north, up and out all over the table. Finally, you have to look at past drinking behavior. Kennedy downs a couple of drinks, and suddenly his car's in the river and some poor secretary's dead. On the other hand, you get a few belts into Yeltsin, and what happens? The man CLIMBS on top of a stinkin' TANK in the middle of RED SQUARE.

Which one of these guys SOUNDS like the winner? Yeltsin in Under 30.

- Denis McGrath

Yeltsin. Without a doubt. Keep in mind that Kennedy has a history of loosing control when he drinks. So much that he managed to park his car in a river, and took 3 hours to open his date's door. So while he does have the mass advantage, he will rapidly succomb to the effects of the alcohol. He has stomach capacity, but no tolerance. The only way he would win was if they were drinking some sort of 1 proof light beer.

So, as the night wears on, Kennedy begins to waver back and forth in his seat, and shortly before reaching the vomiting point, he begins a lecture about how all russians are "impotent cowards who can't even hold their country together." Yeltsin then procedes to kick Ted's ass, and the American falls down, unconsious, in a pool of his own blood and vomit.

- Lonny Zone

Anyone that can play "grabass" with ugly Russian women, get caught by international TV, and get a one month Siberian hiatus would blow the Mass. Democrat away. "I swam for help" Ted isn't used to drinking anything harder than a glass of wine or Chevas on the rocks. Boris has the hardend, burnt out look of someone who has drank more than his share of sterno filtered thru hard, Ukranian wheat loaves followed by Stoli chasers. No contest - Russian Engineer over lilly livered liberal anyday.

- Dave R.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley
Homer v. Norm
Ross Perot v. Montgomery Burns

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