Amity Township, Washington State
For the past week, a series of Bigfoot sightings at area campsites have terrorized campers and resulted in the disappearance of several family pets. Mrs. Kintner, the owner of a missing poodle, Poopsie, has put a $3000 reward down for the live capture of "Sasquatch". Locals concerned that the bad press may hurt their lucrative summer business have asked for an emergency town meeting.
Mayor: Please! Let's have some order!
The near chaos that erupts is interrupted by the screech of fingernails scratching a chalkboard. Everyone turns to the back of the room to see a thin, goofy man with bad teeth, wearing hip high waders and a fishing cap with a foot-long green visor. He pauses to take a bite from a banana.
"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya, but it ain't gonna be easy... Bad primate. It's not like going down to the zoo watching marmosets or ring-tailed lemurs. This ape - swallow yur pet whole. L'il shakin', l'il tenderizin', down they go. Now we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back the tourists, that'll put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant! I value my neck a lot more than 3000 bucks, chief! I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him... and cage him... for ten! Now you gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter? I don't want no volunteers; I don't want no mates. There's too many captains in this town. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the feet, the whole damn thing."
Mayor: Thank you very much. We'll, uh, we'll take it under advisement.
Ace Ventura vs. Bigfoot
MARK: $10,000? That's a pretty steep bill for failure. The fine folks in Amity can keep their hard-earned money. Ace won't be able to find, much less capture, Bigfoot.
Bigfoot appears to be living by the entertainment axiom that has eluded Jim Carrey for decades: Leave 'em wanting more. Bigfoot makes an appearance every decade or so, waves at the camera to let folks know he's still there, and goes back into hiding. Now, he's a household name and cult figure. Carrey makes a movie every year or so, waves at the camera to let folks know he's still there ... and waves ... and waves ... and waves... He's become a caricature of himself. Certainly, a multi-million-dollar caricature, but a caricature none-the-less.
But what's more important is that Bigfoot has avoided capture for decades. There is no way Ace could catch him. Bigfoot's guile is too much for Ace. Ace is used to finding captured critters that probably want to be found so they can go home. Bigfoot is semi-intelligent and clearly enjoys the freedom of not being captured.
Furthermore, Bigfoot could sense Ventura a mile away. Loud, obnoxious, disturbing -- and that's just Ace's wardrobe. If you attached an ambulance siren to Ventura and followed him with a fireworks show, he wouldn't be more conspicuous. (He is not a subtle person.) A creature that has eluded civilization for this long isn't going to be snuck up on by someone like Ace.
$10,000 for that? I think not.
BRIAN: You think Jim Carrey can't relate to Bigfoot? You're forgetting that he has experience being a freakish, hairy recluse with a huge ass: The Grinch! There was even a direct comparison of the two in the movie. Ace Ventura already has a superhuman ability to relate to animals, at best equating him with Tarzan, at worst making him more powerful than Dr. Doolittle. This along with his Grinch experience will allow him to effectively read Bigfoot's mind and thus easily track his target.
But before I go too in-depth on the abilities of Ace, let me first address the shortcomings of Mr. Sasquatch. Talk about the most overrated mystery animal of all-time. I'd take Nessie or even Mokele-mbembe over this guy any day. Look at his resume: First of all, one of his biggest claims to fame is serving as comic foil to John Lithgow, which puts him level on the evolutionary scale with French Stewart. French Stewart! Second of all, Bigfoot is completely uncool. Why? Because he is the leading cause of death of the Six Million Dollar Man TV show, getting 3 times as many votes as Steve Austin's impossibly cheesy mustache! Even with the combined coolness of Fezzik, Lurch, and Lindsay Wagner on his side, he still brought a classic television series to its knees. Aliens? That's just pathetic, and, quite frankly, unforgivable.
Let's face it: Bigfoot is essentially nothing more than French Stewart running around the woods in a monkey suit picking off poodles. Will that be harder to sniff out than a secretly transsexual former place kicker? As you said: I think not.
MARK: So, you're saying that Bigfoot can kill the Six Million Dollar Man but cannot kill the Heavily in Debt Pet Detective? That's what we in the debate business call "a reach." FYI, there.
Also, I know it is an easy mistake, but please do not confuse Ron Howard's overcompensating for his rapidly retreating hairline with Jim Carrey's relating to Bigfoot. Two separate concepts there. Sure, Howard's Grinch was hairy and freakish, but a recluse? Hardly! He spent more time at the mall than did the shoppers! Jim Carrey/Ace Ventura relates to Bigfoot like Jim Janos/Jesse Ventura relates to a barber. Better luck next time.
And I can't help but wonder if you're willing to settle for Nessie or Mokele-mbembe because, in your heart, you know that you'd never be ABLE to take Bigfoot. Rather than admit defeat, you'd rather pretend it was never your goal in the first place. It's a classic example of sour grapes; grapes which you and Ace will be sharing. (Enjoy!)
Speaking of Ace, weren't you going to go "in-depth on the abilities of Ace?" All I see is weak name-dropping. Maybe next time, huh?
To sum up, let me put this as direct as possible. Bigfoot's habit of hiding beneath trees will serve him well. Ace Ventura is so "over the top," he'd never see Bigfoot.
Once again, I say that the fine taxpayers of Amity Township had best not waste their hard-earned dollars on Ace Ventura. He'll never catch Bigfoot.
BRIAN: Man, I haven't heard this kind of spin control since the Iraqi Information Minister went on "sabbatical" in eastern Syria. First of all, Bigfoot didn't "kill" the Six Million Dollar Man. He killed the show. Thus, he is not some bionic slayer as you make him out to be, but rather he is on par with the likes of Cousin Oliver, Scrappy-Doo, and Ted McGinley. Hmmm... so we've got a monkey that's part French Stewart and part Scrappy-Doo, and you're picking him to win anything?
Second of all, I apologize for not getting to Ace's abilities soon enough for you, but the shortcomings of Bigfoot were so overwhelming that I got carried away until the red light came on and the stage manager cut me off. If you want a quick snapshot at his incredible powers, consider this: He bedded Courteney Cox! And keep in mind that this was back when she was still hot, and well after she got rid of that horrible 80s hair, so don't give me any guff about that merely equating him with Chandler Bing, David Arquette or Alex P. Keaton. That's a major accomplishment. (And if you don't buy that, I can play the Cameron Diaz or Lauren Holly cards.)
And I haven't even gotten started on his Sherlock Holmes-esque ability to assess a pet-related crime scene. One quick whiff of Bigfoot's most recent dung pile, and Ace will know exactly where he hangs out. Combine all of this with his experience, his unwavering passion for the welfare of pets, and Bigfoot's major issues, and the answer is clear: Sasquatch coming soon to a freak show near you.
You both are missing the point. Ace Ventura has this one locked, and it has NOTHING to do with his pet detective skills, his last name, or even Ron Howard.
It's "The Hollywood Law of Religions." This law states that when a movie has someone with definitive religious beliefs, that religion must have a highly exaggerated nature or power. Good examples include anything with Wiccan, The Exorcist and Catholicism, and countless others
Here, we know from the second Ace Ventura film that he is not only Buddhist, but has been a Buddhist monk. Let's review what powers Hollywood gives Buddhists and Buddhist monks:
1. Excellent martial artists. Every kung fu movie EVER has a Buddhist or Buddhist monk that can defeat an entire army. Strange, since they're PACIFISTS, but nonetheless this power exists.
2. Extreme meditation. In Ace Ventura 2, he is able to contact a higher-up Buddhist monk for necessary info by meditating and chanting. Clearly, he'll still have this power
3. Healing. In Tomb Raider, bitter tea made by a Buddhist monk can cure bullet wounds. He probably has this power too.
So, there you have it, Grudge-fans. Ace Ventura, by Hollywood law, is a great martial artist, can get all the info he needs, and can heal wounds with tea. Even Tenacious D can't save THIS Sasquatch...
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee
Bigfoot does not exist. Therefore, he cannot win. Likewise, Ace Ventura cannot capture him, so he cannot win either. I'm not quite sure what will happen, but I'll bet it involves a time warp.
- Fish of Death
Oh, for the love of all that is good and decent in the Universe....gentlemen, you have simultaneously written the concept for "Ace Ventura III" and "Harry And The Hendersons II"!
Ace wins. Did you see how he manhandled that giant eagle at the Super Bowl? He obviously has experience when it comes to animals much larger than he is, so Bigfoot should be no problem.
- Mike Brzeski, aka Captain Awesome
Amity, huh? Well I guess we can only hope that Jim Carrey either gets eaten by a shark, swarmed to death in the room full of flies, or hacked up by Ron DeFeo . Otherwise there's bound to be a sequal, and, God help us, it'll probably be a musical.
Besides, what if it turns out to be Chewbacca?
- Dr. Stones
Ace finds things that are lost. Bigfoot isn't lost. He exists as rumour, if at all. He's probably got one of those flashy things from the MIBs.
I think Bigfoot has a great advantage here: invisibility/speed.
Whenever you see a picture of him, he's all blury! This must be because he is running really really fast. So fast, you can barely see him! He could run right away from Ace, if all else fails. (Sure, some people blame the photographer, but I know better.) How is Ace going to SEE Bigfoot, never mind catch him live??
- Dacada the Great, Lover of Stickmen
That said, I'd like to cite what really should be the number one reason for Bigfoot to win: The Bad Movie Factor.(TM) Fortunately, I happen to have a copy of what is arguably the foremost source of cinematic crap, I Hated Hated Hated This Movie by Roger Ebert.
While "Bigfoot" (1971) was bad enough to earn a 1 1/2 star rating and one of the text's more scathing reviews ("Why am I taking your time - time that you could spend trimming your toenails...to review 'Bigfoot'?"), it truly speaks volumes for the awfulness of Ace on screen when the first two movies alphabetically listed in the book happen to be "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" and "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls". (TOTAL combined rating of both films: 2 stars).
So two days after Ace sets out on the trail of Sasquatch, he himself is found...roasting over a makeshift spit.
(Besides which, "Ace Ventura 2" was directed by Steve Oedekerk, director and star of "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist", a film of such bombastic godawfulness that I risk serious internal eyeball bleeding every time I happen to watch it).
- RoboGoober Version 2
I don't know about you chaps, but I'd sure fork over Amity's ten grand to see Ace Ventura (a.k.a. Jim Carrey) fail....and wind up Biggie's biggie-size entree ANY friggin' day of the year....
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Well, duh. Bigfoot had a monster truck named after him. That means he can pull in all the monster trucks from every truck rally ever as his allies.
Ace: Nobody wants to play with me!
Next thing you know, Bigfoot is introduced to a new taste treat: Ventura Road Kill! (which I bet tastes a lot like chicken)
PS: Being connected to John Lithgow and French Stewart is good, not bad. Let's not forget who won Coneheads vs. Solomons. Bigfoot carries the power of WWWF victory with him.
Bigfoot wins, because I want to see Ace Ventura beaten, pulped, mashed, infected with rabies, stapled, mangled, killed (eventually), skinned, scalped, flensed and roasted over a fire.
- dworkin - Kill them, kill them all
I'd like to point out that Brian refernced the Grinch. Therefore I shall invoke the ability to use alter-egos of the characters. For Bigfoot, there is basically only one other-Yeti, but same difference. Now for Jim Carry, You have the Mask, an actual super- power comic book come to life. I'm pretty sure that the Mask could catch Bigfoot, even in a yellow zuit suit. however should the Mask fail, Carry call fall back on Bruce Almighty, his new alter-ego. Ace Ventura might be normal Carry, but Bruce Almighty is Carry with the powers of God. I don't remember anyone being able to avoid God.
You´re forgetting that in the animated series,Ace Ventura fought with BOTH a mutated British monster and a weremoose.That´s as close to Bigfoot as you can get.
PLUS, he has Spike,his loyal monkey sidekick who will do anything for him and wrestle any hairy freak.
Ace will have this simian monster caged and taged faster than you can say"LOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!"
- Tyler Durden(YEAH,BABY,YEAH!)
(Ace slowly hunts the beast, moving as stealthy as a rubber faced ADD suffering 35 year old can move. He waits for his moment, as Big Foot bends down to get a drink....)
Ace: I've got you!
- Mr. Chaos
I don't know about bigfoot, but no one's seen Jim Carrey for the past few years...
I think it bears pointing out that Bigfoot is also called Sasquatch, and that Sasquatch was a character in the short-lived Marvel comic title Alpha Flight.
You may remember from this comic book that Sasquatch was the gamma- ray-induced alter ego of super-scientist Walter Langowski, but it's also relevant to note that he was ALSO in fact one of the seven Great Beasts from primordial times with strength and abilities far beyond the realm of mortals.
Sasquatch went mano-a-mano with The Incredible Hulk on at least one occasion and was able to hold his own, so Ace Ventura should be no obstacle. Sasquatch could squeeze Ventura into a bloody pulp with one finger.
Well, I am glad to see that Ace Ventura finally has the opportunity to compete in a grudge match.I am also glad that this match parodies the greatest movie of all time, Jaws. However, by the grudge match logic, Ace Ventura is playing the Quint role. I would warn of spoilers ahead, but I know damn well my grudge match brothers and sisters have seen Jaws. If you havent u dont deserve to be here in the grudge match universe. Ace Ventura will end up going along with two people hunting for Bigfoot. He will need a scientist, played by former grudge match champion Scotty. And rounding off the trio will be the heroic sheriff, played by grudge match champion John McClane. They will be in the woods looking for the creature when all of a sudden, it will strike. It jumps out of no where and knocks Ace down, killing him instantly. With Ace gone, Sheriff McClane pulls out his gun and shoots at the creature, but misses. It disappears. Then the creature strikes again, this time knocking out Scotty.
Now only McClane is left. Alone. Against a huge opponent.Boy hes feeling Deja Vu. Then Bigfoot strikes again, attacking John. However John punches it and wrestles around with it. He looks around and finds an oxygen tank. He hits the creature repeatedly with it and throws the tank into Bigfoot's big mouth. The creature throws John ten feet then charges at him. While the creature charges at John , John begins unloading his bullets on the creature, trying to hit the tank. Finally, in true action film form with one bullet left, he aimes and says "Yippie Ky Yay motherf@cker" and shoots, blowing the creature up instantly. John McClane then goes to check up on his crew, then wakes Scotty up. They then walk to the city, having taken down the urban myth.
- FBI Agent Will Graham, the man who took down Hannibal Lecter
This all comes down to the mob theory, developed by Joe McCarthy. When it comes down a poll, like that of WWWF Grudge Match, the person who is less-likely to be chased around by a mob wins. This can be seen in every presidental election. George Bush beat Al Gore because a lot of people wanted to beat Al Gore up for his "I invented the internet" comment. This applies to the Ventura Vs. Bigfoot match.
Ace Ventura: According to the Internet Movie Database, Ace is considered "a breath of fresh air", "GREEEEAT!", and "Classic!". He's been known to talk with his butt.
Bigfoot: An unknown creature that's been hunted down for years. All he leaves around are giant footprints and tiny bits of hair.
So, by the laws of McCarthy, Bigfoot is the most likely to have a mob chasing him, thus Ace Ventura wins.
Wait, Ace talks with his butt?
- Killer B...I own a turtle
Ace Ventura stuck wandering around in the Washington rain- forrest until he finds Bigfoot?
Expect Bigfoot to have dozens of helpers on this one.
- Thank GOD I live in Oregon
As episode 7G09 of The Simpsons tells us, we know exactly where Bigfoot is hiding. because Bigfoot is Homer Simpson! All Ace has to do is figure out what state Springfield is in and... Ok, Bigfoot wins.
- Emmy the Homicidal Maniac
Mix these two guys in a transporter accident, and you'll get Robin Williams.
- Kilgore Trout
I vote for Bigfoot, because he doesn't exist, and how can you catch something that doesn't exist? It's like trying to find the members of the Braveheart Jihad (There is No Jihad).
Sasquatch will simply elude Ace Ventura by roaming to Canada and claiming to be the Abominable Snowman.
- Grudge-Pops: Now in new bite-size chunks!
Congratulations! You have come up with the best definition of a win- win situation I've ever seen. No matter who wins this one, the world will be better off for losing an ugly and obnoxiously over - promoted sub human primate.
Last time movie commercials bombarded me, I seem to recall one of them indicating Jim Carrey's current role as being granted the power of God Almighty. Let me reiterate; he has the power of GOD available to him. Heck, if we count the Mask, he's got the power of another god, Loki, too! Sure, having the power of a god doesn't always mean victory on Grudge Match, but given that in this case it is unlikely Bigfoot has an army of fanboys ready to vote for him (probably the opposite if the Six Million $ Man's bunch get wind of this match) the furball with size 18 feet hasn't got a prayer. Literally, in this case...
- "Mad Dog" Mike
I hate to say this, guys, but it's already over. By the time Ventura made that 20-minute Jaws-spoofing speech, sampled the local guano to test for pollution, assaulted the mayor's mother with a rabid tapir after she scoffed his dress sense, slept with a woman played by an actress who should never have left television, invented a new catchphrase that makes no sense, made some 200 facial expressions that only Plasticman should have the right to make, and had his butt crack sing "Funiculi Funicula" in E minor, Bigfoot had plenty of time to haul tail out of that forest. Bigfoot crashes into the town square, seizes Ventura by the ankles, and hammers his head into the wall repeatedly. The townspeople, by now sick of this freak, make no move to help, and instead start calling out what each blow atones for: "Dumb & Dumber!" "The Cable Guy!" "When Nature Calls!" "The Mask!" "Batman Forever!" "The Majestic!" "Me, Myself and Irene!" "Man in the Moon!" "The Grinch!" Ventura will survive - he was toughened from that self-assault scene in "Liar Liar" - but he's definitely out of commission. Bigfoot is hailed as a local hero, goes on to be a successful Rogaine spokesbeast, and eventually marries Jennifer Lopez. Both are vicious man-eaters, after all.
- Oxymoron - Another Grudge loser named "Ventura". Sigh.
Ace looked down from the net that he had just trodden in, now suspended high above the trees. It was very annoying for him, seeing he had set it up himself this morning. He was sure that this trap would have worked! None of them had so far.
"What has this ape got that I haven't?!" he raved.
Meanwhile, in a cave somewhere, Bigfoot glanced at the portable TV he had stolen from a camper. He grunted, partly in pleasure at outsmarting Ace once again and partly in suprise that reality television came in useful for once. With this secret weapon, he was sure to outsmart that jerk!
He settled down and started watching The Truman Show once again, and laughed at Ace's efforts to get out of the net.
- Mixmaster Flibble
Officers Eugene Tackleberry and Katleen Kirkland are all smiles as they drive down the road. Katleen looks absolutely beautiful in her white wedding dress, and Eugene, dressed in his official blues, is absolutely stoked for later on this evening, when he'll get his new wife into bed for the second time.
The feeling of lust in his loins is only matched by the feeling of power in his hands as he clenches the steering wheel of this special truck. He glances out the front windshield, and Tackleberry marvels at how different it feels to be in the driver's seat of a vehicle that is a good eight feet above the pavement. His good friend Crey Mahoney certainly made the right decision on the type of vehicle needed to take him and his new wife to and from the wedding reception.
As the lovebirds slowly approach the Mid-Central Hunting and Gun Club for their wedding reception, they hear a loud Tarzan hollar coming from off their right. They both turn, just in time to see Ace Ventura swinging towards them on a long rope he had attached to a neighboring telephone pole. Ace lets himself go, and he lands with a hard thump on the hood of the shiny blue truck.
"Lllllllllllllllllike a glove!"
Tackleberry and Kirkland stare at him for just a second in complete shock, but before too long they both break out of their catatonia and begin reaching for their semi-automatic weapons they both have hidden in the folds of their clothing. Unfortunately, before they're able to unholster their weapons, Ace leaps around to the driver's side window, lifts his legs like a trapeze artist, and then kicks into the cabin, catching Eugene on the side of the head. In what could only be considered "cartoon-like" in it's execution, the passenger's side door pops open and the two officers tumble from the cab, landing hard on the lawn below. The erstwhile Pet Detective flops onto the front seat, and leans out the passenger side to grab the truck door and speak to the two folks below him on the ground.
"Sorry Officers! But this little baby is netting me $10,000!"
With a slam he closes the truck's door, slides into the driver's seat, jams the clutch and pops the vehicle into gear. With a start it takes off down the road, and we watch as the large plastic "Just Married" barrels continue to get dragged along behind. Aparently the ciitzens of Amity never really made it clear WHICH Bigfoot Ace needed to capture, and in his mind, this was the easiest 10 G's he's ever made.
I'm a recent indoctrinate in the Grand Conspiracy and let me tell you, the Secret History of the World is a helluva read! Did you know that Jack the Ripper was an alien gray, or that Lee Harvey Oswald was a robot super-agent built by the CIA? He was "decommissioned" by Jack Ruby because he failed to prevent a time traveling Mark Twain from shooting JFK from the grassy knoll. Of course, it was later discovered that the real JFK had been dead for years and Twain only succeeded in killing a clone created by the Soviets using genetic material collected by their sleeper agent, Marilyn Monroe. Anyway, getting to the point, there's a lot about Bigfoot you don't know. Like his brief career as a gunslinger in the Old West, during which he was wounded in battle with Billy the Kid, his charge up San Juan Hill in the company of Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders, his integral role in rooting out secret Communists during the McCarthy hearings, or his part in preventing Monaco from becoming a nuclear power. If Bigfoot is kidnapping pets, it probably has something to do with saving the world. Ace Ventura doesn't know what he's getting into. A week from now, no one will remember he ever existed.
Say, you wanna know the secret of life? It's a real humdinger! Get this . . . *gack* . . . *gasp* . . . *choke* . . . *thud*
- Don "King" Milliken never existed. He was an illusion created by swamp gas reflected off Venus during the full moon. Move along, nothing to see here.
You Assholes! I started reading your opening to the match and I ran over and put Jaws in the DVD player, I was ready to find good points in the movie that had to do with this match. Then I finished reading and found out it was Ace Ventura. I hate you people. I seriously hope you all DIE!! So basically the winner of this match is gonna be Bigfoot. Cus I, being so pissed off, will snap and kill Ace. Thats the end of it.
Can I pay Bigfoot $20,000 to bring me Ace? Preferably as six seperate installments over the next half year.
- Plain, simple Garak
In order to truly comprehend this match, you must understand the true nature of Bigfoot. Bigfoot is not some primitive primate. It is also not a space alien (at least not completely).
The shocking truth is that the original Bigfoot was the result of a "mating" between Ron Jeremy and a Wookie.
The child was taken back in time by a species of space aliens that look strangly like "AirWolf" star Jan-Michael Vincent to the Earth before the first recorded siting of Bigfoot.
Since the creature is part human- part alien, I don't think Ace really has a chance of catching it.
Our only real hope of seeing the Bigfoot is if it is curious to see the return of Chewbacca in Episode III.
Other than that, it will remain as elusive as decent cafeteria food.
- They Might Be Matt
Why Ace's Hair Is So Messed Up In The Morning
It is night-time after a long day of solving animal-related cases, clearing canary poop, and scoring with hot babes the likes of Courteney Cox. A perfectly groomed Ace Ventura gets into his Smokey the Bear pyjamas. His huge volume of hair is tied in a pony tail - not a hair is out of place. He collapses into bed, dreaming of being on a prime-time comedy sketch show.
In the wee hours, some soft huffy breathing can be heard outside the bedroom window. It slides up and the Sasquatch pokes his head inside. He clambers through the window and moves over to the bed. Throwing off the covers, he picks the sleeping pet detective up by the hair and swings him around and around. He throws away the hair band and completely musses up the mop of hair. He then turns Ace, still sleeping, upside-down and sweeps around the floor with Ace's head.
This continues for the following fifteen minutes: Bigfoot messes up the oblivious Ace's hair. He then puts him back to bed, tucks him in, and leaves the same way he came.
Ace wakes up, not knowing why he still feels so exhausted after a good 8 hours rather than refreshed. He gets up and goes over to the mirror. His hair is pointing in at least 4 discernable directions.
'Hey, not bad,' he thinks.
- Now was it Guszilla or Sugzilla?
(The Crocodile Hunter is busy moving through a dense forest.) Steve Irwin: G'daye mytes! Croc Hunta hear on'th trayl of th'elusive Sasquatch. Although tought of mostly as a legend, th'Sasquatch is in fact rayl. A diminishing spaycies on the verge of extinction, th'Sasquatch may very well be th'only suvivin' member of'ts kind. A big, gruff creatcha, th'Sasquatch fayds mosly on d'mesticated dawgs, doin' so by sneakin' inter samll towns at night. CRIKEY! There's ol' Sasquatch righ now!
(Camera pans over to a big, furry figure striding through a meadow)
SI: E'god! E's 'UGE! 'E must be up at forty feet! Oh wyte...... th'Sasquatch appears to be confronted by somethin'.
(Ace Ventura bursts out of the undergrowth with an unusual Xena-esque sound, bringing a net down on the Sasquatch's head)
SI: Crikey, I dunno what dat is, but itsa weird critta, I bet! Looks like a fight's goin' on!
(The Sasquatch roars, and tears apart the net. Before Ace can run, the Sasquatch grabs him with both hands. The camera turns away as sounds of Ace being torn limb from limb are heard.)
Ace (off-screen): AAAAAAAGHLLLLLRIIIIIIIGHEEEEEEETHEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN!!!!
SI (off-screen): Egads! The Sasquatch is really tearin' up that poor.....thing. Crikey, I en' seen such blood'n'guts since me'n'Sheila's honeymoon! Well, as I'm pissin' my pants rye now, I'll say that I'm at least glad I gottim on film. G'dye mytes, seeya tomorrer!
- Kevin, Lord of Nonsense
ACE: AHA! I've found you!
BIGFOOT (shrugging): So? What's your point? You gonna stop me?
ACE: No... Actually, you're kind of cute...
BIGFOOT: You're not too bad yourself...
And begins the saga that would eventually produce the Furby.
I've seen enough Ace Ventura movies to know how this works. Ventura's a great detective, but his specialty lies in finding actual animals. This isn't Big foot. It's Al Gore. Understandably he's fallen apart after his defeat in 2000, but you have to feel sorry for the guy. His facial hair now masks the upper part of his body, he roams the wrong Washington, and he's even stealing pets to comfort his solitary existence. Ventura will find the pets, as is his nature, but you already know who's to blame when an unkempt man in a suit asks where the nearest statehouse is.
- Riddleable - OK, now hand over the money.
Ventura- slick hair, boots
Bigfoot- messy hair, barefoot
Me- messy hair, barefoot
Bigfoot, because I can relate.
- Riddleable - Just don't make fun of my feet.
Given that the "authentic" pictures taken of Bigfoot look about as realistic as an extra from 2001 who wondered off the set, I have no doubt that this alleged "missing link" is no more than a dirty hippie who hasn't bathed since 1967, or Chewbacca's illegitimate offspring with Marlon Brando. Given what I know about hippies and Marlon Brando, that they are slow, easily confused, and ever hungry, Ace will have no trouble hunting them down. All he needs to do is put a bag of Munchies over a net (old school Return of the Jedi style) and wait. Seriously people, no contest. Ace is the man.
- Purple Monkey Dishwasher
i wish noah had forgotten both of these two when he was packing the ark.
- the genie
Ace will begin yodeling out of his butt, and Bigfoot will come to kill him(for the sake of the forest). Bigfoot will step on a tripwire that will set off an enourmously complicated trap system involving a catapult, a marmoset, and three bowling balls, which will result in a cage falling on him. Victory Ace.
- Old HickDonald
My, oh my. Ace has no idea what he's gotten himself into.
Really, what is Bigfoot but the Yeti at a different address? And those who have read the Necronomicon (TM) know that the Abominable Snowmen of Mi-Go are actually fungi from lightless Yuggoth at the rim of the solar system. Anyone who's read Lovecraft's "The Whisperer in Darkness" knows that when Bigfoot encounters Ace, he'll try to drive him insane and bring his brain back to Yuggoth in a silver cylinder. Luckily for him, he won't have to bother with the insanity part.
- The Amazing Rando~!
...Well, I guess Jim Carrey hasn't co-starred with Robin Williams before...
It's so simple! At first glance it would seem that Ace Ventura would win. However, then it occured to me. Who is palsy with Bigfoot? Who are the only people that he lets interview and get pictures of him? TABLOIDS!!! And especially, The Weekly World News. And you know who works for the WWN? Bat Boy. Now tell me, what is the single animal that the Ace man is afraid of? Bats! And Bat Boy is no ordinary bat, he is a super terrorist-fighting bat person with his own musical. I think I rest my case.
- -Mr. Keyboard
It's not long before Ace picks up the 'Foot's trail (Hey, it IS an island; not many places to go). Though he has tracked the creature to the entrance of its lair, years of jungle experience have taught him it would be foolish to venture in after it. But just as he begins to devise a plan to lure the beast out, there is a flash of light and a high pitched sound. As if out of thin air, a confused man wearing a Red Shirt appears at the cave's entrance.
"Damn! I finally get that teleporter to work and I wind up on another island!" These turn out to be the last words he speaks, as the Bigfoot charges from its cave and eats his face off, allowing Ace to execute a perfect sleeper hold from behind, knocking the ape unconcious.
So Ventura snags the ten grand, the mystery of Bigfoot is exposed and, most importantly of all, Star Trek DOES lose.
- Canus Shamus
As the debate to Bigfoot's gender comes to a shocking conclusion, I pity those who stand behind it as the zipper is pulled.
- JmanX (The X stands for Captain Winky)
We know that several sightings in the Springfield (Oregon?) area were actually Homer sightings, and that may be the case again here. A majority of Homer's misadventures result in his public humiliation, and the town would be pleased by his apprehension because it would dispel the belief that there are more Sasquatch out there. The Highly Intelligent Beast was captured before, and he'll be captured again.
- Matt Bricker
The way I figure it, if Jim Carrey could find his career again after "The Cable Guy", he can find anything.
- Scotty J.
Next Match: Whoa!
Next Match: Whoa!
© 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC