A dark-robed figure walks across the throne room in the city-planet of Coruscant, as the holographic map of the Galaxy spins slowly before him. A dark, malevolent chuckle escapes his wizened lips.

"Everything is going according to plan. The Rebel base on Hoth has been routed, construction of my new Death Star has begun, and Vader will soon bring me young Skywalker. The puny Rebellion is doomed, and once again the Galaxy will answer to no one but me."

A light flashes behind him. "How boring. Nothing I haven't heard before."

The Emperor whirls on the intruder, a balding man wearing an odd red-and-black uniform and a sneer. "Who are you," he hisses, "and how did you get past my Imperial Guards?"

"My name is Q, and I got in because I'm a superior being." Q ignores the Emperor's scowl. "I came to visit this galaxy hoping to find something new and unusual. My usual stomping grounds have grown so dull, I've been reduced to staging fights between Vulcans and androids to amuse myself." He rolls his eyes. "I still think Data should have won."

The Emperor grins. "Ahh. If it is marvels you seek, look no further than me." He sweeps his arm toward the map. "Through my mastery of the Force, I have forged a galactic empire that dwarfs anything in history. Millions of star systems bow to my every command. The power I wield--"

"Oh, save it," Q says haughtily. "I know all about your Empire, and you. You manage to combine the obtuse single-mindedness of the Borg with a pompous arrogance that outdoes Captain Picard--and I never thought I'd say that. You're a piker, Emperor. Of course, everyone is, compared to me."

"Insolence!" Sparks begin to dance across his fingertips. "For that, I will deal with you personally."

"What are you going to do, wave your wrinkly hands and wipe me out of existence?"

"YES!" Purple lightning blazes across the room, through what is now empty space.

"Very impressive," Q says, draped jauntily across the throne, "but I'm over here now. Maybe--" The rest of his words are lost under a fresh crackle of lightning.

So, Paul, which provoked paranormal potentate plies his powers for a proficient pulverizing?

PAUL: Hmm. I sense a disturbance in the Force(tm). Maybe it was that burrito... wait... no, it's just you, Shane. And I foresee that your arguments are just as crappy since you believe Q is going to win.

Wait, I sense something else... as if millions of WWWF voices suddenly cried out the blindingly obvious... yes, Star Trek MUST Lose! You may now scream in terror. All too easy.

But reader, I hear your objections. O sure, Q is a near omnipotent and all-powerful being. He can change laws of physics. He has power over life and death. He is the Bugs Bunny, the obnoxious and invincible master of his world, who can never ever lose to the Emperor's flustered Elmer Fudd and his impotent pop gun. So why do I bother? Simple. The Emperor has the one thing Elmer Fudd never had - PATIENCE. Ole Palp not only was reserved enough to try to convert that annoying puke Luke without immediately strangling him like Wil Wheaton at a Trekkie convention, he lasted the entire Phantom Menace without brutally killing Jar Jar or George Lucas. He makes Job look like a crack addict in withdraw. So, sure, Q will taunt. He'll tease. He'll mention that the Imperial guards look like glow-in-the-dark prophylactics. But unlike Picard, the Emperor will refuse to get outwardly upset the way Q desperately needs and craves. Q will be the one to become impatient and make the mistake. To put it graphically, Q without his edge is just another 0 waiting for a Force enema.

But what did you expect? For a godlike creature, Q is pathetic. He flaunts his alleged superiority yet is regularly beat-up and outsmarted by teenage girls, fat first officers and a French captain. He finds Captain Janeway, the homely and most incompetent officer in all of Star Fleet, the most desirable woman in the galaxy. For Pete's sake, he had to be saved from death by Corbin Bernsen! Face it, Q's only reasons to exist are comic relief and designated whipping boy. Palpatine will get a good chuckle after he atomizes the wayward letter.

SHANE: Sorry, Pete or Phil or whatever, but this letter is coming special delivery, and it's Emperor Palpatine who'll be getting canceled.

Now, just to review, Palpatine had a whole movie in which to kill Jar Jar Binks, yet did not. And this is an advantage? In my universe, that's grounds for being declared mentally incompetent. Q performed much better in similar circumstances, creating a world where Wesley got run through by a bayonet-wielding pig. (Yes, a Q-powered Riker brought him back, but that's not Q's fault.) This is what Grudgies want to see in their champions.

The Emperor will also prove easy prey for Q's mockery. He enjoys gloating too much to hold his own in an even match, whereas Q has shown himself adept enough at psychological manipulation to make Picard think he was young, Riker think he was omnipotent, and Janeway think she was attractive. I'm guessing Q will transform himself into a perfect double of the Emperor, mimicking every last taunt that hissing albino raisin throws at him, infuriating him into a massive stroke.

You've also misstated Grudge Match™ precedent: Star Trek good guys must lose. Enterprise, Voyager, DS9, Worf, the Redshirts, all fell ingloriously here. However, when the darker forces of Star Trek make an appearance--such as the Borg, or William Shatner's acting--they have triumphed. Q is the Next Generation's original villain, and precedent is on his side. The Emperor may have fanboy appeal, but as seen in his dealings with Jar Jar and Luke, he also has an overweening complacency that just begs for a cosmic Smackdown™.

And so what if Q got bailed out by Arnie Becker once? As Florida is proving to the world, lawyers are the most powerful lifeforms in the universe.

Q wins. No recount will be necessary.

PAUL: Ah, just like a lawyer you are.

While you may be evil enough to win despite the Star Trek Curse(tm), your loophole will not save Q. Sure, he was evil once but now he is sanitized by his exposure to the Federation. Once he terrorized entire civilizations; now he changes diapers. He is whipped. And you are braver than I thought to dare bring forth the competence factor. Sparing Jar Jar was brilliant. The best he could have hoped for in Episode I was a G-rated death. Instead, Palpatine bides his time so after he turns Mr. Lucas, Jar Jar can be extensively tortured before being whipped to death with his own tongue. The Emperor created Darth Vader, the greatest badass in history. What accomplishments can Q claim? Wesley Crusher survived to become Super Wesley, he turned Dr. Crusher into a dog (anyone who saw her early hairdo knows that is redundant) and he could not even convince the Voyager crew that suicide was wrong.

But we cannot be too hard on Q - his lineage ensures his demise. In the novel To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf, "Q" is the term used to describe Mr. Ramsey's intellect - a level he cannot exceed. What does that have to do with anything? Well, like Mr. Ramsey, Q is a loser. And who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? NOBODY!

Vote for the Emperor. Only he is evil enough to be supported by bad high school reading assignments.

SHANE: Paul, we can all sympathize with the traumas inflicted upon you in school ... but NOBODY compares me with a lawyer and survives. I'll give you something to be afraid of.

Q is a destructive force, unstoppable by mortal man (although the awfulness of Voyager came close). He tortures whole races for kicks. He unleashed the Borg on humanity just to cut Picard's French arrogance down to size, and flip-flopped billions of years of history to humble him yet again. He knows how to handle arrogant blowhards, and the Emperor will be nothing new. As for that diaper crack, well, considering Palpatine's Dark Force-based decrepitude, that's a skill that will come in handy.

As for George Lucas, the Emperor can't turn to the Dark Side™ someone who is already there! Jar Jar is all the proof you need. Yes, it's becoming clearer now, isn't it? Jar Jar is simply one of the Emperor's horrid minions, safe under his protection. The only way he dies is if the Emperor dies, so until Jar Jar gets his very own Grudge Match™, whacking the Emperor is as close as we can get to bringing him down. The order, the decency of the universe demands that this happen.

My guess is that Palpatine will find himself in Q's famous post-apocalyptic courtroom, with Q as judge. (Apt, since Florida is also proving that judges are omnipotent, capricious beings.) The gallery will be filled with raving ex-Star Wars fans, thirsting for the blood of anyone who would give aid and comfort to Jar Jar Binks. It will be all that even Q can do to hold them back until he passes sentence, but it will be worth the wait. A few strips of robe may survive, but nothing else.

America and its Presidency may go down the tubes, but there will be some justice in the universe, and Q will administer it. Court is in recess.

Thanks to Stanzel Washington and Darius for suggesting this match.

The Results

Emperor Palpatine (1961 - 52.1%)

zots

Q (1806 - 47.9%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Oh, c'mon, like the Emperor has a prayer here! Not only did he wind up getting chucked into a reactor core in Jedi ("Gee, that seems like a good idea, leave an open pit to Certain Doom in my throne room!"), but going by the comics the guy has come back and died again and again and AGAIN! He's the freaking Kenny of the Star Wars universe! With the Emperor's lifespan approximately equal to a moth near a bonfire, Q practically won't have to raise a finger to win this; just wait a few minutes and pretty soon it'll be "Oh my God! They killed Palpie!" time again. But of course the damn Star Wars Jihad (let's face it, there IS a Jihad) will slavishly vote the Emperor to victory anyway. *sigh* Oh well, I suppose Phantom Menace showed us the Emperor IS good at vote fixing after all...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Palpatine wins easily.....This is a guy who managed to carve out a star empire even though his armies were made up of Stormtroopers.....Anyone who can take over a Galaxy with guys that lose to teddybears has to have something going for him.

- Amish Commando

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Time and again, the venerable Grudge Match has proven that Star Trek is a bunch of big fat losers, and for the most part, I couldn't agree more. But this match baffles me. Palpatine is winning. He's a clever politician and he has some cool electrical and telekinetic powers. Q, if he wanted to, could turn time into space, and space into time. How is Palpatine winning? How? Howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow?

Why, of course. It's being advertised at TheForce.net. I'm sorry, but that speaks of massive corruption. This is a bigger case of voter fraud than the whole brouhaha in Florida, and more important too. We've all known the presidential elections were rigged, but Grudge Match? No institution as honorable as the WWWF should have its integrity damaged. And it isn't just the voting either. How do you account for the fact that close to two thirds of the matches since Steve and Brian's return have had the names "Kilgore," "Silverback," or "1/2 Nelson" next to the ROTW's?

No sir! I'm not going to take this! I'm not going to lose my well- deserved Grudgies just because I don't have the clout to buy them! I will not be silenced! I WILL be heard!

- Infraggable Krunk -- If this gets a Grudgie, I will forget I ever said anything

(We did publicize this match in some Trek newsgroups, several days after TheForce.net began their promotion. I will not contest the results of the voting on these grounds -- but only because I can't afford a decent team of lawyers. -- Shane)

(I also tried to publicize the match on Trek web pages, but had no luck. Trek fans need to get organized. -- Brian)

This is a battle between a guy with the worst latex face ever and a guy who got beaten by a french guy. I'm calling a tie on this one.

- AdventureAddict

1. Star Wars fans are morons.

2. I've thought about it long and hard and I've finally figured out how a telekenetic senior ciziten who hurls lightning bolts from his hands could defeat a being with the power of a god: after several minutes of dodging force bolts, Q gets bored and decides to find something more interesting to do. Like his laundry. Or maybe taking his dog for a walk. The wrinkled lame-o wins by default.

3. Did I mention that Star Wars fans are morons?

4. You should've done the Palpatine vs. Merlin match I suggested. That would've actually been a fight.

5. I'm pretty sure I already mentioned it, but it bears repeating. Star Wars fans are morons.

- Don "King" Milliken

Q is omnipotent.

Palpatine, despite his mortal status, has subjugated an entire galaxy under his iron heel.

Q is omnipotent.

Palpatine has an Evil Laugh(tm).

Q is omnipotent.

So I'll have to say...Pat Buchanan.

No, wait! Dammit.

- Peter Wiggin

True Palpatine had lots of patience, was quite clever, and pretty handy with those lightning bolts he zapped Luke with, but in the end he was killed during the confrontation between Luke and Vader in "Return of the Jedi". Evidently, all his powers couldn't save him.

Then we have Q. Q could hurl a Galaxy-class starship (a rather large object) a whopping 7,000 light years with just a snap of his fingers. He also could change people into different things, for example he once temporarily changed Dr. Crusher into an Irish Setter. It was also established that Q has the ability to alter the laws of physics, the laws that were laid down during (or just a bit before) the Big Bang. All Palpatine can do is shoot lightning bolts, do mind tricks, simple levitation, and political manipulation. So, it is a case true omnipotence beating the merely powerful. History (especially the Scriptures) shows that the merely powerful will lose in such a confrontation everytime.

- The Demented Astronomer

Go Emperor!

- Galahad

- Andy the Anarchist

In "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" George Carlin states that shorter names are better than longer names. His name, Rufus, is very short, and he is very powerful. In fact, the only people more powerful than him are Bill (four letters) and Ted (three letters). (side note Keanu Reeves used this when choosing the three letter name "Neo" in the matrix, although this still is not enough to make him more powerful than Steven King's "It".)

Thus, Q (one letter, even more powerful than "It") has no difficulty squashing Emperor Palpafindablankitykrebnafillinatine (Many letters, even more than "Tipper Gore") and Q wins the match by the Carlin/Reeves postulate.

Pointless Election Historical Note:
Throughout the variour recounts, Emperor Palpatine's name contained 12-27 more letters than Q, and was eventually forced to concede.

- Albatoo

The Emperor... Against Q... Seriously?!

Palpatine was thrown to his death by Vader, and you expect him to face a man who can do whatever he wants with a thought? Guh. Also, at CBUB, Raiden kicked Palpatine's @$$! That's completely inexcusable.

I know my vote for Q is in vain, because of the vast glurge of SW fans voting for Palp. Just like Lobo vs. Wolverine, fanboyism wins out over logic and thought.

- Dave Hollins, Space Cadet

Now lets talk about Q. The name alone should tell you something: no titles are necessary here. No "Emperor Q" or "Master Q" or "The artist formerly known as Q", no sir, he doesnt even need a word; only one letter is necessary: Q.

And what a letter to pick! He didn't even select one of the cooler, manlier letters that we see on the 80s Mazdas! No X, no Z, no M, not even a T. Instead this guy is so secure in his power, he pickest the gayest, wussiest letter in the alphabet! Only W comes close!

If you aren't convinced yet think about this: If emperor-in-his- own-mind Palpatine was so powerful, don't you think he could give himself a facelift? Or at least do something with the eyes man! He looks like he's stayed up for three days worrying about fighting Tyson or something.

Victory to Funk-Master Q.

- Budo

Q in 5 nanoseconds. To hell with the Trek always loses rule.

- JTO

Now quit whining and help me think of some way to get Jar-Jar into a match.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism (Just call me A...)

Q has created worlds, physically changed people, literally frozen people in their tracks, appeared in two places at once, taken people back and forward into time, moved ships accross the galaxy and back, and claims to know God.

Palpatine, on the other hand, can do nothing without his "young apprentices." Oh, sure, his lightning is a neat trick, and he can undo a pair of handcuffs from accross the room, but what else has he done other than train someone to do the work for him? He is nothing without Maul or Vader (and, I must point out, he is not good at that either... one of them dies and the other turns on him).

It will take more than a pair of handcuffs and some static electricity for Palpatine to beat Q, but that is all he has. Therefore, Q will walk away victorious after turning Palpatine into a "Garokian toad" and then stepping on him.

- Corfy

Hell Q has more life in him than DS9 ever did.

And don't get me started about Young Anakin. If that little punk can end up throwing Palpatine off a bridge, any schmuck could.

- Hurricane Andrew

The Emperor is an evil guy. His all-powerful mastery of The Force has allowed him to cow and subdue any number of potential foes. Undoubtedly, his grand design is to rule all the known Universe.

Q is an omnipotent prankster, a la Shakespeare's "Puck" (which, by the way, I think served for Q's inspiration). He uses his phenomenal, cosmic power (all hail Disney) to entertain himself by pissing off and inconveniencing the lowly mortals of the Starship Enterprise.

There are all kinds of tough guys who tried to take over this or that, and eventually failed. See Hitler, Alexander the Great, and others. The Emperor and guys like him are destined to fail, because, jeez louise, there's a whole lotta Universe out there, and only so many minions to police it. But you gotta love the guy who uses his absolute power to amuse himself. Surely Q could do what the Emperor wants to do, but he's happier just to mess with all the mortals around. I'm reminded of that immortal dude in Adams' "Hitchhiker" series who sets out to insult every living member of the Universe, in alphabetical order. That rules.

Q's quirkiness overcomes the Emperor's evil.

- Adam B.

Q has this sewn up. I mean, come on... he's FREAKING OMNIPOTENT, okay? Emperor's lightning? Useless. Star Destroyers? Gone. Death Stars 1 through 25? Teleported into the Epsilon Quadrant. Elite Imperial Stormtroopers? Don't make me laugh.

And when Q teleports the two of them into the heart of the nearest star, what will the Emperor's defense be? Um, NOTHING. He'll be little crispy charcoal Palpatinettes.

Only the immensely misguided voting of legions of Star Wars fans could possibly save Palpatine from the fate to which he is clearly destined.

- Denis "Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational ... Hurk! (gasp, choke)" Moskowitz

On one side we have an aging, balding, all powerful master of the Force who shoots lightning bolts from his fingertips. One the other side, we have a man who has never even been able to defeat an aging, balding, captain who can shoot feeble bolts from a phaser.

I think for this one we have to examine the wildcards. The setting: the deathstar. As all fans of Grudge Match know, John McClane destroyed the Deathstar. Therefore, we will assume that John is on the Deatstar as we speak.

The battle goes like this:

The Emperor is growing continually more frustrated by his inability to hit Q with his lightning bolts. After many tiring minutes he must take a break to catch his breath. At this point, Q moves in to strike. The only problem is Q forgot all he can actually do is engange in taunting banter with his opponent. The Emperor seizes this weakness to call in reenforcements in the form of his sidekick Darth Vader. Of course, as we all know by this time McClane has taken out Vader.

Both combatants are now at an impass. They circle each other, occasionally throwing random volleys of lightning bolts or insults at each other. Suddenly, they are interrupted by a loud thud as a bloody, limping mass drops down between them from the ceiling.

"Who are you?" they sneer in unison.

"John McClane, NYPD, and what the hell is this thing?"

"This is the largest, most wonderful . . ." the Emperor begins before being cut off by Q.

". . . Pokemon Ball in the universe." Q interrupts him.

"Blasphemy!" The Emperor snarls, and hurls a lightning bolt at Q, barely missing McClane.

"Hey, watch it baldy. I don't care if this is a giant Pokemon Ball or a frggin intergalactic bowling ball. All I know is I got a bunch of morons in white plastic suits trying to kill me who luckily can't shoot any better than your average international terrorist and the last thing I need is to be fried by an Oversized Jawa."

With that John pulls a homemade detonator out of his pocket and looks at Q.

"I don't know who the hell you are either, but you think you can put that little teleporting ability of yours to good work? Cause the second I push this button whoever is around this oversized cue ball is in for a world of hurtin."

"Certainly," Q says. And with that he and McClane are instantly standing in the middle of the 53rd Precinct.

Therefore, Q wins by default and the Emperor really starts to regret not paying attention when Yoda tried to teach him how to teleport.

- MistaPeepers

- A Floridian

(I know one of these guys must be responsible for the Butterfly Ballot and all the election mumbo-jumbo... better kill 'em both just to make sure. And I can hear all you Canadians out there smirking to yourselves...)

- Monkeydog...

Palpatine sort of looks like he's ready to steal Christmas from Whoville. Shame on him!

"Cos"? As in THE Cos? I think it's pretty obvious that Emperor Palpatine is actually Bill Cosby in disguise. Boy, I'll tell you, if Q doesn't like purple lightning, wait till he gets hit with Leonard Part 6, Ghost Dad, The Cosby Mysteries, and a Kids Say the Darndest Things Marathon. Any being, omnipotent or otherwise, couldn't stand against such a cavalcade of badness.

If not, we could go into the whole Senator thing, but then I'm afraid Q would explode after the first mention of "deposition".

- Charge Man - I'm not as relenting on ALL combatants named Q.

Anyone who is NOT superior to Shatner deserves to lose.

- Jay

Palpatine licks his cracked lips in expectation, points his fingers at Q, and releases a blast of pure energy. It flows toward Q, but at the last minute it is diverted into the little box.

Palpatine concentrates again, releasing an even bigger blast. It too is diverted into the small box. Palpatine pauses, stares at his fingers, and tries again, howling in anger. The third blast is also diverted into the box.

Q stands to approach him. "I think I've proved my point--AND kept my word! But it won't take superhuman powers to deal with you now that your energy has been drained away!" Q picks up the ancient old man and heaves him over a nearby railing into a handy reactor core. Lots of pretty blue sparks.

Q turns back to the chair and picks up the device. From behind a console steps an elderly man wearing a cheap suit and a kindly smile: "I hope my new 'Charge Attractor' was of some help!" the man says.

"I appreciate your assistance, Desmond," Q says, handing it back to him. "And now, I present you with a simple choice: Either stay in your *tedious* civil service employ 'til you have to be taken away on a gurney--or fake your own death and become a part of the 'Q' collective. Which is it?"

The elderly man smiles. "I hereby resign!"

"Excellent choice!" Q says. He snaps his fingers. With a flash of light, both of them--vanish.

- Deacon

Always.

Even when it's not supposed to.

I know that Palpatine has no rational chance of winning. You know that Palpatine has no rational chance of winning. The entire universe knows that Palpatine has no rational chance of winning. It's Q, fercryinoutloud, one of the very very very few actual Uber- Power Trump Cards that the syndicated wussyfest known as Star Trek actually has.

But if we wanted rational, we wouldn't be reading Grudge Match. What do you people think this place is, math class? Screw logic! We're voting for Palpatine not because we think he can really win, but because we Warsies just want to piss the Trekkie fanboys off! And going by the griping that I've seen on various message boards, it's working too. Ahhhhhh... I love the sound of squalling Trekkies in the morning.

(Damn, you know what? This anti-logic flame-away-like-a-madman fanboy rant thing is addictive. *g*)

- Chuckg

1.) Q is omnipotent; the Emperor is not. Advantage: Q

2.) Q is capable of multiple costume changes. The Emperor has thusfar shown only the oh-so-fashionable black gurney sack. Mentos-edge to Q.

3.) Q is omnipotent, capable of reshaping space and time. The Emperor is neither immortal nor possessing god-like powers. Umm, advantage: Q.

4.) The Emperor has appeared in three Star Wars movies. (Empire, Return, and that other recently released Hollywood bowel-movement) Q has appeared yearly across three Star Trek series. (Next Gen, DS9 & Voyager) Advantage: Q, on the weight of numbers, so we go to the tiebreaker: Q has NOT appeared in any of the abominations that are the Star Trek movies. The Emperor appeared in The Phantom Menace. Advantage: Q.

5.) Q is omnipotent; only another Q is capable of affecting his powers or harming him. The Emperor is not, and was killed by a middle aged man with one hand chopped off, who simply tossed him down a long shaft. Let's think about this carefully folks. Advantage? Q.

6.) After watching the Star Trek episodes with Q, everybody wanted to be Q. (total power, no responsibility? Sign me up. Who wouldn't want to be a walking ominipotent pile of id?) After watching the Star Wars movies, no one wanted to be the Emperor. Who wants to be a crusty old guy who can't even beat down whiney Mark Hamill enough to shut him up. If you can still whine and beg your evil, just-tried-to-kill-you father while you're being shocked by lightning, someone is obviously running on a very low battery. Police tazers can usually render someone incoherent from pain and muscle spazams. Advantage: Q.

7.) Q IS OMNIPOTENT. Rock may beat scissors, scissors may cut paper, and paper may wrap wrock, but (and this is a no brainer) TURNING SOMEONE INTO A COLLIE OR SNAPPING YOUR FINGERS AND TELEPORTING THEM INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE SUN BEATS THE HOLY HELL OUT OF SNEERING AND TRYING TO GOOSE SOMEONE WITH SPARKS OUT OF YOUR FINGERTIPS! Advantage: anyone, anyone, Anakin? Q!

Yes, I know Star Trek Must Lose, but really, are you going to vote for a guy who wears a black bathrobe and has jowls, or somebody who knew the best role in Robin Hood wasn't Robin, it was the Sheriff of Nottingham. Think about it.

Outcome: Q in a snap.

- dok

But let's break the precedent. Please. It makes the matches so much more fun.

Besides, Demigod vs. Superpowered old man. That's like pitting the Juggernaut against Spiderman's Aunt May in a fistfight.

And if the Emperor lost to a whiny little prick like Luke Skywalker, he's toast 5 seconds into the fight as Q banishes Palpatine to the Dimension of Star Wars' Holiday Specials(TM)

- Your Mom

- Wubbie

- All Hail our new Savior; Q! -Alcon

My take on Q is, he kept pestering Picard because he couldn't figure him out. Not so much that Picard was smarter (they always gave Q the IQ of a grapefruit anyway), so much as Picard was operating towards goals that Q just couldn't understand. Perhaps in high school there was a kid you just couldn't piss off no matter how big of an asshole you were -- the same fascination here.

But ol' Palpatine? He gets mad about something, he issues threats, he tosses electrons. Hell, he's always doing that, there's usually one or two electrocutions whenever he goes out to eat. And he's nothing that Q hasn't seen a thousand times before, so I figure Q is going to get bored sooner than later.

It won't be long before Q tries to get creative. First Q will put on some strap-on breasts and visit Palpatine in his dreams. Then Q will turn Palpatine into a Teletubbie with a weak bladder. And on and on, trying to spark something -- ANYTHING -- interesting out of Palpatine.

But all Palpatine will do is make unrealistic threats, toss some electrons, and scowl like a granny hearing a teenager say "fuck". In the end, Q will get bored, leave Palapatine alone, and make it rain Nair on the Wookie homeworld.

As Palpatine will prove a greater disappointment to Q than vice-versa, I say victory goes to the Dictator with Depends.

- Lou the Inscrutible

Cut to Phantom Menace. It immediately becomes obvious that Palp learned his imperial tricks by studying up on The Official Al Gore Handbook of World Domination^TM.

Rule #1 of that handbook states (a-hem): Find some poor, pathetic, downtrodden people group and exploit them to your political advantage. In Gore's case, it's the roughly 19,000 illiterate voters who didn't have the common sense to ask for help because they obviously could not (or would not) read the directions before casting their dimpled, ill-fated ballots. In Palp's case, it's the totally misbegotten Naboo (including the much-maligned-and-much-deservedly-so Jar Jar Binks).

Rule #2: Hose the entire surrounding legal system in endless, interminable stalemates until the general populace gets so sick and tired of the back-and-forth that they finally give up and decide they'll take anybody. It happened with Amidala and the Senator, it's happening with the American public.

Rule #3: Change the rules of the game so you can immediately declare said surrounding legal system dead and buried, leaving you in complete and absolute control. Gore's been doing this all through the election; Palp wiped out the Imperial Senate in Star Wars: A New Hope. By this time, Palp's the emperor, Vader's the veep.

Q, on the other hand...well, he just waves his hand and makes himself king, all the while turning the Emperor into the Florida- born, Clinton-appointed Attorney General of the United States of America, a far-flung island nation on a third-rate planet in a galaxy far, far away....

Q the omnipotent, Q the all-powerful, game, set, match.

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

(Ed. Note: The preceding political commentary does not necessarily reflect the views of the management of WWWF Grudge Match™. Well, okay, it reflects the views of a majority of the management, who could probably beat up the rest. How's that for democracy?)

Q snaps his fingers. Surprisingly, nothing happens.

"I don't understand. My powers have no affect on you?"

"As I thought," replies Emperor Palpatine a.k.a. Darth Sidious. " You were able to escape my first attack because expected it. You appear God like because you and your entire race, this Q Continuum, are possessed by the third side of the Force."

"The third side?"

"Yes, the Annoying Side of the Force. Notice how that which is annoying destroys all of my great evil endeavors. Once, I would have conquered the planet Naboo but this annoying Jar Jar Binks, a real pain-in-the-ass (TM held by Jar Jar Binks) ruined it. A short while ago, my loyal servant, Darth Vader, would have had the plans to the Death Star but he lost them to a pair of cute, lovable droids. Annoying! And then, after the Naboo Invasion years ago, my plans for the Clone Wars were - - - (STOP! COPYRIGHT RESTRICITION BY LUCASFILM LTD. NEXT TEN MINUTES OF GRUDE MATCH ARE DELETED AS SPOILER MATERIAL). Ten minutes later . . .

"Wow!" Q says. "And then your impeachment proceedings started?"

"I thought Clones could vote on the Planet Florida! How could I know that Clone Dimples would - - - (STOP! COPYRIGHT RESTRICITION BY LUCASFILM LTD. ANOTHER TEN MINUTES OF GRUDE MATCH ARE DELETED AS SPOILER MATERIAL). Another ten minutes later . . .

Q asked, "They were cross-dressing Jawa love slaves the whole time?"

"Yes," replied the Emperor Sidious, uh, Darth Palpa-whatever, "my plan was to have a clone army of them under the command of my previous apprentice, Darth Xa - - - (STOP! COPYRIGHT RESTRICITION BY LUCASFILM LTD. ANOTHER TEN MINUTES OF GRUDE MATCH ARE DELETED AS SPOILER MATERIAL). Another ten minutes later . . .

" . . . and I have foreseen a time when one of my great plans may be thwarted by something called an Ewok. I don't know what it is, but the Force tells it is as annoying as an entire planet of Jar Jar Binkses."

"Ah", says Q, "then the Annoying Side of the Force is stronger?"

"No." says the Emperor as he unexpectedly fires blue lightning from his hands immediately destroying Q in a cloud of vapor. "It's just annoying."

- The Admiral

Q = John de Lancie. John de Lancie = Dr. Benton Quest. That's right, of Jonny Quest fame. Mind, that was only in the Real Adventures (???) and not in Classic JQ, but still. The point is, not only is Q omnipotent and all those other omni- words, he's got people like Rob Paulsen (Hadji) on his side. And who is Rob Paulsen? That's right, Yakko Warner. And Yakko Warner = the Emperor's demise. Why? Because it says so right here in this song lyric which I will transcribe for you, "When in a jam I just yell "stop" and villains in their tracks are froze. / Then I sneak up and utter "start" and take my hands and honk their nose. " But the main part is he can freeze them. Because, you see in matters comical, unusual, and whimsical (3 outta 3 for this one!) he is the very model of a cartoon individual. Not even the supposedly-almighty Emperor can change that.

He's going down.

Besides, in Digimon the other day, the other Emperor got beat, too. He doesn't stand a chance.

- alphabet

"HEY!" said a short man in a bowler hat and orange tights. "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?"

"What?" Q asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Who are you?" the Emperor asks, his fingertips sparking.

"The name's Mxyzptlk, pops!" the imp said, swirling around in the air. "I came for a change from the normal. Superman's really startin' to get on my nerves, so I thought I'd mess with two people up to my own skill level."

"Excuse me, Mixlepixie..." Q began.

"MXYZPTLK!!"

"Whatever... anyway, do you realize that you have the voice of Gilbert Godfried?"

The Emperor smacked himself in the head. "That's where I know that voice from! That parrot in [i]Aladdin[/i]!"

"What?" the confused imp asked, picking the wedgie from it's oragne tights.

"You know, I never DID like that guy..." Q said, scratching his chin.

"Neither did I," the Emperor said, grinning with his nasty, unbrushed teeth.

"Uh... guys... I don't like that look in your eyes..."

"What say you, Palpatine? Shall we make a momentary truce to deal with this annoyance?"

"To be quite frank, Q, I must be so inclined to accept that proposal..." the Emperor's hands once again began to cackle with the purple bolts of energy. Q readied his hands in the snap position.

"Uh, guys? Ain't there a way we can work this out? I've got perks! Superman...? You guys heard o' Superman? You can bug him! Yeah, yeah! That's it! Hey! Wait! Put me down! Hey, that's my hat! Get off my tights! Oww! My nose! Hey, guys! GUYS! AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! ..."

- Mr. Potato Head (I never DID like Gilbert Godfried either...)

Q: This petty bantering of yours is tiresome, shall we have a contest?

EP: Your insults do not tempt me to strike, plus your diction and vocabulary are astounding, you obviously have intellect; it pains me to destroy you...I find this 'contest' of yours acceptable, cue.

Q: That's Q, like the letter, dolt. I have the perfect dupe in mind for this, he is from Earth's future and I think this will suit him fine. You shall try to kill him, while I shall keep him alive, agreed?

EP: This is acceptable, queue.

Q: That's enough, let me introduce you to, I believe they call them "Nature Show hosts", or something equally as dreary, please meet "Crocodile Hunter", Steve Irwin.

Steve: G'Day everyone! I'd like you to meet "Linda" me pet python, who is, at this time attached firmly to my left arm and sucking my life's blood directly into her belly. She will then use this blood to keep herself nourished while she digs a deeeeep hole in order to sleep through the winter months.

EP: All I have to do is kill him?

Q: All you have to do is try...the game begins!

Lightning fills the room as the Emperor unleashes a brutal attack on Steve.

Steve: Crikey! Linda's gone, well no matter as I am felling a bit singed...

Q: Steve...where IS that delightful wife of yours...perhaps the...uhhh...dog might help you as well...

Steve: Too right, this Emperor fellow, he looks a mite scary if I do say so meself (approaches the emperor and sticks his face 3 centimeters from the bridge of Palpatine's nose) are you a tough one? Are you gonna bite me huh? huh? huh? (Bobs and weaves) Hallo little guy, ooooh you're a tough one aren't you?

EP: Insolence!

(Enter Terri and Sooie)

Terri: Now Steve, we have to remind viewers again that both Steve and myself are trained professionals and have been handling dangerous species for many years now. And, yes, we too sometimes do get hurt, but without the proper training, a person can be seriously hurt.

EP: Ahhh young lady, I can complete your training...

Steve (still bobbing and weaving right in the Emperor's face): Ohhhh...you can talk can't ya? You're a feisty one...are you going to bite me...you're going to attack me when I'm so big and you're so small...c'mon little fella....

Steve: Terri, this is a magnificent specimen, simply gorgeous! See these folds of cape here (sticking his finger in-side the Emperor's hood and feeling the fabric between his fingers), this is what he uses to disguise himself to hide in the shadows looking for prey... he hides in here, tortoise like, waiting to strike out with his little lightning doo-hickey to immobilize me, only to feast upon me later...he looks like he's ready to strike, so I'd better be careful!

Terri: That's right Steve Ha-Ha!, you'd better be careful, right Sooie? (Sooie barks)

EP: That is quite enough from the likes of you...

The Emperor charges up his light show, but before he can strike, Steve grabs him by the ankles and upends Palpatine, his sparks careen about the room, hitting nothing. Much to their horror, Palpatine ends the age-old question: What do Sith lords wear under their robes?

Q: Well Steve, It doesn't look like you needed my help at all did you? Please, please put him down now, he's no threat to us now.

EP: Help...me...

- Akhamed wishes he could type in an Australian accent

BTW,if nothing else,Florida will continue to provide the comedians with material for the next millenium... :-}

- CaptSheridan

• John de Lancie was in a movie called Woman on Top
• Ian McDiarmid was in a TV show called Karaoke

Hmm... no 2^nd step necessary.

Lucifer -- If cruel...

Satan -- Santa

Elvis Presley -- Sly, evil sprees

Accordingly, Palpatine yields `At a Nipple`. Hmmmm, better than nothing. As for his opponent, well, you do the math.

- 1/2 Nelson

Q: An omnipotent being, can warp space and time, capable of doing any damn thing he wants.

This looks to me like an argument of politics vs. religion; Palpatine is a politician, and Q is obviously some sort of a demigod. So I pose this question to you: Who'd win, Ted Kennedy or Hercules? Julius Caesar or Thor? Strom Thurmond or Jesus Christ? I think I've made my point.

- My name is Kenny

However, a critical piece of information has recently fallen into my hands. Take a good look at Senator Palpatine in Episode I. Now look at Senator Joe Lieberman. That's right: They're the same person! After it's discovered that the Iron Fist (tm) was used on a small collection of responses that erroneously voted for both contestants (and Pat Buchanan), ol' Palp will be up in arms. Jesse Jackson will lead troops of stormtroopers on the picket lines, and Imperial lawyers will flood Q's courts. As the centuries drag on, after the constant recounts, countersuits, and internet chads (however that works), Q would begin to think long and hard about his newly won right to end his existance. And in the end, Palpatine and Kevorkian win by default.

Editor's note: Despite all this, I voted for Q. Of course, I also voted for Bush, and we all know how that's going.

- Armagrodden

- James

Let me ask some questions:
If he had Q's job, could Palpatine "blink" onto the bridge of the Enterprise with a mariachi band in tow?
No. He'd have to bum a ride on a Klingon garbage scow or something.

Could he give Jean-Luc a Force-telekinesis Atomic Wedgie^TM so bad Professor X would feel it?
Yes.

Would anything stop Picard from then arranging a "transporter accident" for His Emperorness?
Nope.

Sorry, Palpatine is extremely powerful, but he's out of his league. Q turns him to prune juice, and he ends his existence relaxing

- Mr. Silverback- Have to admit, I loved Palpatine's version of "Heard It Through The Grapevine."

--John Hunter

God I love those soccer hooligans

- Jimmy "The Butcher" Wendler (Proud member of 5th place trivia team Ziggy Zoggy, Ziggy Zoggy, Yarrgh Yarrgh Yarrgh!!!)

Unfortunately Q does not know about Palpatine's Trump Card.

A Dark-hooded figure now enters the room. Q notices the figure and barks: "Do you mind? I'm just playing with my new toy"

The Dark-hooded figure answers in a familiarly boyish voice: "Put him down or you will suffer the full force of the Dark Side. You don't know what we're capable of."

"Of hurting my feelings? Don't make me laugh!!!" Q says. But the familiarity of the strange voice bothers him. "Who are you anyways?"

The figure lowers his hood. His evil stare makes Q react with shock and horror. The figure snaps his fingers, and Q finds out that he has lost his powers. Now it is Q who is being bounced around like the so-called "New And Recently Abused Prison Inmate" (TM). The figure then simply tosses Q down the elevator shaft. Q is then no more.

Palpatine, now recovered, congratulates his new apprentice on a job well done, but the figure simply force-chokes him.

This is the same person who grew weary of his travels with a certain French Captain. This is the same person who discovered his new powers and his ability to manipulate time and space. This is the same person who ran off with the Traveller to explore his power, only to kill the Traveller in a fit of Rage. And finally, he was trained by Palpatine as his apprentice to the Dark Side of the Force. Now with Palpatine dead, he is now the All-Powerful Ruler of the Empire. Not even Luke Skywalker can stop him.

For he is the all powerful DARTH WESLEY!!! (The Darth formerly known as Wesley Crusher.)

- Tahna Los

Emperor Palpatine vs. Q, therefore, is a conflict as basic to Western Civilization as Ebenezer Scrooge vs. the Spirits of Christmas' Past, Present, and Future. It should be noted, however, that Scrooge only gave into Humbug because he balked at his destiny, while Palpatine embraced his. It sucks to be Q.

- Mike Leung

All Q has to do is whip up a pair of rubber soled shoes and all that electrical hurting gets grounded. Then a little chainsaw in a pen or a cigarette lighter blowtorch, and it's Palpatine burgers for all of her Majesty's Secret Service.

What? It's the Star Trek Q fighting the Emperor?! The OMNIPOTENT one?! Against an evil guy with joy buzzer hands? Well, if I thought Desmond LLewelyn could take this guy, there's no reason why someone with POWERS OF A GOD shouldn't be able to as well. One finger snap, and hello empty robes fluttering to the ground.

- Kilgore Trout

Now, since the last Star Wars movie made more money than the LAST 5 Star Trek movies PUT TOGETHER (430M vs. 364M), we can look forward to the Emperor sending legion after legion of soul-less, black robe wearing lawyers swarming over the soon-to-be penniless Q. As we all know, no power in the universe can stop a lawyer on retainer.

- Tirdun

[cut to Q's backyard]

Be free, dogs! I'm letting you out. Hurry up, you mangy mutts! I have to get to Florida and write up some butterfly ballots.

- Mark Wentz

*announcer voice* "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN FOR THE RUMBLE IN NEW YORK ULTIMATE FIGHT. THIS IS YOUR MAAAAAAAIN EVENT!

IN THE RED CORNER, THE PATHETICALLY OLD, FORCE POWERED, EMPEROR PALPATINE. AND IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE EVEN OLDER, OMNIPOTENT, PAIN- IN-THE-ASS, Q!

AND THERE'S THE BELL. AS THE TREK FANS AND THE STAR WARS FAN KILL EACH OTHER IN THE CHEAP SEATS, Q STARTS SNAPPING HIS FINGERS. BUT, THE EMPEROR HAS FORSEEN THIS, AND IS NOW SNAPPING Q'S FINGERS WITH THE FORCE. OH, HEAR THAT BONE CRACK. BUT, NO, Q'S FINGERS ARE BEING RESTORED...INTO ADMANTIUM CLAWS. WHOA, BUT THE FORCE JUST TWISTED THOSE CLAWS INTO CURLICUES!

WAIT A MINUTE, HERE COMES WILLIAM SHANTER. HE'S GOING BETWEEN THE ROPES, HE'S IN THE MIDDLE...

(overacting) Those...Klingon...Bastards...killed...my...son...

WHOA, HE JUST LOST HIS TOUPEE, AS ONE OF THOSE FORCE ELDRICH BLASTS LEFT A BLACK MARK ON Q'S UNIFORM.

WAIT A MINUTE, Q'S GETTING READY TO SNAP AGAIN...

AND THE EMPEROR'S HISTORY! WE CAN'T FIND HIM...LOOKS LIKE HE JUST RUBBED HIM OUT OF EXISTENCE...LOOKS LIKE HE WENT BACK IN TIME AND HAD THE EMPEROR'S (THEN SENATOR'S) SHUTTLE CRASH IN 'TPM'.

*TV Anchor's voice*

We bring you a spot news bulletin on Station KNK.

This evening at 9:34 PM, a massive disruption wiped out half of New York State. We can't tell what did it, but we think it had to do with Star Trek winning in anything. Casualties are in the tens of millions, but at least they got rid of that crap art in NYC.

- Tristan, the Grudge Match Legend

- Will

- Cube Farm Boy

- The Blue ONe

But Paul has a point STAR TREK MUST LOSE! As these two awesome powers colide, I predict a masive explosion, tearing the whole planet apart. But we all know that Q can survive such an explosion. Q wins.

- The Other Brian

THE FINAL WORD...

Uh, guys, where's the "Both forced to watch Voyager episodes (in the soothing company of Jar-Jar) until their heads implode" button?

- Nicky Lewer

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Other Star Trek based Grudge Matches™
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches™
Sith v. Cenobites

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Next Match: My secret vault wants a sex change
ETA: Monday, December 4th, 2000