Deep inside MI6 Headquarters, a white-haired man is hard at work, surrounded by myriads of tiny machine parts. He stands when his boss enters the room.
"Ah, M, I have some new devices for our operatives in the field." Q shuffles over to a refitted Hoover. "This vacuum cleaner's nozzle doubles as a fully automatic rifle, complete with silencer attachments. Over here, we have trashcan lids that can stop bullets and deflect industrial lasers at point-blank range." He passes over a pair of shades. "These sunglasses will pick up 300 channels on the insides of the lenses, as well as descrambling premium cable. I'm sure 007 will want that for the Playboy Channel."
"Very nice, I'm sure," M says stonily, "but I'm afraid we won't be needing your services any longer. We're retiring you from Q Division."
"What? Whatever for?"
"You're redundant now, thanks to our new acquisition from the States. I'd like you to meet our new agent, Inspector Gadget."
A man in a gray trenchcoat and hat enters the room. A robotic lever tips his hat to Q. "Pleased to meet you. Put 'er there. Go-go Gadget Arm!" His forearm telescopes twenty feet to shake Q's hand, inadvertently bumping the sunglasses from M's grasp in the process.
Q thrusts the hand aside. "Dash it, M, I won't be cast aside!" He picks up one of the lids, and wields his vacuum. "If he wants my post, he'll have to fight me for it."
"Fine with me," the Inspector says. "Go-go Gadget Chainsaw!" A roar fills the room, as M discreetly backs away.
So, Joe, which connoisseur of convoluted contraptions carries this conflict?
JOE: Well, Shane, this match is as easy to pick as a radiated grapefruit in a cotton field. Q is no match for Inspector Gadget. He is way too old and out of shape to pose any sort of threat. Yeah, he has a bunch of neat thingamajigs he made, but by the time he limps his 85 year old keister over to the Porsche 911 with the heat-seeking missiles, Gadget will have already rocket-skated over there and rammed one of the Chief's self-destructing secret messages down his throat. Q's feeble body and senile mind can't compare with new robotic technology. It's like pitting Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's against the Terminator.
And lets not forget about the main weapon in Inspector Gadget's arsenal. Penny! That's right, anytime Q tries to use any of his little toys, Penny will whip out that Electronic book from her backpack and disable anything he tries to use. For example, Q's first move will obviously be to pull out a cigar case and open it up. He quickly chooses the third one from the right, knowing it will shoot a stream of flame twenty feet long. He takes a quick puff and...nothing happens!! Penny is sitting in the corner of the room tittering happily that she once again saved Inspector G.
There is just no way Q can win! Inspector Gadget has all the advantages. For Q, this match is as lost as a 3rd string linebacker at a Star Trek convention.
SHANE: Third string linebacker ...? What a peculiar metaphor. Perhaps you know more about Star Trek geekathons than I do, so I'll let that pass, but your other arguments are begging for destruction like my dog begs for table scraps. (See, Joe, that's a normal analogy.)
First off, Gadget will be fighting this battle alone. Maybe Penny can sneak into villains' lairs in that cartoon world of hers, but she's in MI6's house now. These people assassinate foreign potentates for practice, and thwart megalomaniacs bent on world domination as diversions between interesting jobs. There'll be no getting past the door for Li'l Penny, a moppet as annoying in her way as her garish namesake mannequin on those Nike commercials. (Where's Amnesty International when you need them?)
Likewise, Gadget is up against his first serious competition, and too bad for him it's someone of Q's quality. This man's inventions have been saving the world, and James Bond's butt, for over 35 years. Think about it. Any time you see 007 in a life-threatening situation, what bails him out of it? A machine-gun loaded Aston-Martin; a rocket pack; a wristwatch-laser; chewing-gum plastic explosives; razor-lined Kevlar prophylactics. Without Q's brains backing him up, Bond would be a suave, dashing corpse.
And it's not age, Joe, it's experience, which means devilish cunning, and it's endurance, which means almost supernatural survival capability. Since 1962 there have been three M's, three Moneypennys, and five Bonds(not even counting the imitation Bond flicks) -- but there's been only one Q. He's a survivor, and he'll prove it by having Gadget dangling by his spring-loaded tush before tea.
JOE: Shane, your analogies are as weak as Bill Gates when he was in 3rd grade, so here I come to steal your lunch money. Apparently, you don't remember the old Inspector Gadget cartoon. Penny used to get into places with much higher security then Q division every week. This will be like trading rigatoni for an enchilada supreme to a Sicilian mobster compared to getting into some of Dr. Claw's facilities.
Point 2: James Bond is an idiot. If 007 was a REAL secret agent like Arnold Schwarzengger in True Lies, Q would have been outdated years ago like an Apple IIE. Just because he can help some retard ladies man does not mean he can take out a veritable superhero like Inspector Gadget. When was the last time anybody associated devilish cunning with a ninety year Alzheimer's victim? It's not endurance that kept Q around for so long, it's life support, and Inspector Gadget is about to pull the plug.
And the final crushing blow to Q's existence: Inspector Gadget has a theme song, Q does not. That alone automatically tells us that Gadget is going to win. The guy with the theme song ALWAYS wins.
SHANE: Joe, of course Bond is an idiot. The fact that he's survived the world's most dangerous job with nary a scratch for so long shows that behind this idiot, there's a genius. That genius is Q, and he knows it, showing Bond the proper level of contempt (from The Spy Who Loved Me -- Bond: "Have I ever let you down, Q?" Q: "Frequently!").
For more proof, take the end of Moonraker(assuming you can take the rest of the movie). Cape Canaveral is shocked by live pictures of Bond getting lucky on an orbiting Space Shuttle(don't ask). When someone witlessly wonders aloud what he's doing, Q answers "I believe he's attempting re-entry." For my money, that is the best Bond movie one-liner ever -- and it shows once again that everything Bond does right, he's gotten from Q. (He probably stole the theme song, too.)
I wonder what effect a killer double-entendre would have on Gadget's programming? Not that it could be much worse that his usual bumbling that makes Jacques Clouseau and Frank Drebin look like Holmes and Poirot. Gadget is a klutzy Robocop without the violence, and as we all know, Robocop-Violence=0. He'll be lucky not to cut himself apart with his own chainsaw.
And Claw? Don't make me laugh. Any villain who needs a support group(like at the end of the Gadget movie) is hopeless -- and any movie that portrays our Mr. T. as a washed-up villain has earned the wrath of WWWFistas across the world.
Yes, Joe, those pitchfork-wielding peasants are coming for you. Enjoy your grisly death. I know I'm going to.
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Q thrusts the hand aside. "Dash it, M, I won't be cast aside!" He picks up one of the lids, and wields his vacuum. "If he wants my post, he'll have to fight me for it."
"Fine with me," the Inspector says. "Go-go Gadget Chainsaw!" A roar
fills the room, as M discreetly backs away.
Anyone reading the above will quickly notice something very odd. This so-called "Inspector Gadget" _has a clue_. Someone challenged him to a battle to the death, and he *noticed*!
Clearly this is not the real Inspector Gadget, who has never noticed anyone trying to kill him in his entire career. Since the G man isn't here, he clearly can't win. (Even if he is real, the real IG can only succeed through obliviousness. Since he noticed, he's dead.) The imposter, who made a really boneheaded mistake here, doesn't look good either. Especially when Penny and Brain catch up with him.
Leaves us with Q as the only possible winner. Too bad his pacemaker gave out in the excitement (Ironic, don'tchathink?), setting off the "dead man switch" triggered nuke he has stashed under the lab. (How do you think a civil servant in *Britian* got to stay on past mandatory retirement age?) They all go up in nuclear flames. Q, M, Gadget Imposter, Real Gadget (probably wandering around somewhere nearby, looking suspiciously at houseplants), Penny, Brain, 001 through 009, and all forty-three Bonds.
Inspector Gadget has nothing resembling a weapon that he would use violently.
He has squirt guns, screwdrivers, helicopters, skates, binoculars, skis, whistles, space helmets, flashlights, magnifying glasses, cameras, umbrellas, scissors, handcuffs, sirens, badges, flowers, telephones, windsails, lasers, keys, shoe magnets, fans, handkerchiefs, pens, buckets, springs, gas masks, fly swatters, cups, seltzer water bottles, skeleton keys, wrenches, suction cups, boxing gloves, yo-yos, refrigerators, lassoes, hand mirrors, can openers, and electric shavers. All used in the least malicious way possible. Yes, this is a man who can make boxing gloves look non-threatening.
Meanwhile, all of Q's weapons are very specificially design to not only kill, but slaughter. Q keeps his job.
Anyone who thinks Ferris Bueller's win against Joe Clark has significance here is deluded. This Matthew Broderick character has no chance. Watch the 1998 Godzilla and call me in the morning.
- Charge Man
The year was 1983. President Reagan faced Andropov in Russia, the
Ayatollah in Iran and Walter Mondale back home. Return of the
Jedi dominated the theaters. "Weird Al" Yankovic was recording
"Eat It". Gary Coleman and Webster innocently graced the airwaves,
their epic clash not even a glint in the eyes of
Steve and Brian.
Amidst this golden era, a secret war was raging between good
and evil. Doctor Claw and his MAD agents would not rest for an
instant until they ruled the world. But there was a fly in their
ointment... a fly named Inspector Gadget.
In one of the VERY FIRST episodes of Inspector Gadget,
Doctor Claw concluded the show with these famous words: "someday
Gadget, someday I will let you see my face. Just before I finish you
off!" Ladies and gentlemen, it has taken sixteen years, but it's
finally happened. The greatest rivalry that DIC ever wrought now
ends on the WWWF. Ground Zero has killed Inspector Gadget by
unwittingly pitting him against none other than Doctor Claw
himself!! Behold the evidence:
Q is none other than Doctor Claw. With Gadget caught in Claw's sanctum sanctorum, against the master of evil himself, there's not even enough left of Gadget to make spare parts for the Six Million Dollar Man. Q/Claw wins and goes on to take over the world, but not before nuking Disney for making the Gadget movie atrocity.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight "go-go Gadget LIGHTSABER.... AAAARRRRGGGHHHH, my groin!!"
- Thomas Wilde
And one of you actually saw that movie?
- the Maniac Clown
The battle ensues as follows:
Q hits the power switch on the vacuum cleaner and fires off a full round of ammo at gadget. Just in time Gadget shout " Go Go Gadget legs" and shoots straight up avoiding serious injury. Unfortunantly for gadget his head breaks through the ceiling tiles and he smashes into a 440Volt line powering Q's expiermantal phone booth/large capacity dryer with extra gentle cycle. Gadget is electrocuted at which point Q uses him for spare parts in the next Bond movie.
- Jason 'kobayashi maru' patten -- The one you cant win
(*BOOOOOOM!* Sorry, Des, bad choice for a place to sneak a cigarette.)
Seriously, let's just try to imagine Q vs. Inspector Gadget:
Gadget: Go, go, gadget copter! (rotor blades sprout from his head and he's off)
Q: (tries to assemble Little Nellie, but severely hampered by alcoholism and Parkinson's disease--finally ends up with a Yugo, but before he can drive it away, he's captured by SMERSH and forcibly taken away to The Village to live out his days in the Retirement Home for Old Government Hacks--In our final view of the simple old fool, he's sitting out by the Stone Boat next to "Dutch" Reagan, playing with Tinkertoys, gumming his ice cream, and soiling his Depends.)
Next week: Q vs. Professor Farnsworth of "Futurama"! Now THERE'S a fair matchup!
What went wrong?
MATTHEW BRODERICK WENT WRONG!
Mother-loving goat-boinking son-of-a-motherless-Pillsbury-doughboy Jesus H. Flutie! WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THE CARTOON, HUH? WHY DID YOU NEED TO TRY A LIVE-ACTION INSPECTOR GADGET? WHAT IN THE FLAME-BROILED HELL KIND O-
*A tranquilizer dart with mouse-ears on it embeds itself in the neck of the speaker*
....Oh, hello. Such a nice day, isn't it? Lah lah lah lah lah... what? A live-action Dudley Do-Right? Oh, I'm sure it'll work... It'll make millions... lah lah lah lah.... such a nice day.
- James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight
- Ryan, Pope of the Most Holy Church of Nerds
Think about it. Does ANYBODY know what happened to Penny's parents? No. The sad truth is, when they refused to let her stay up after 11, Penny used her disturbing intelligence to make a machine that killed both of them, then ground them up into food for Brain, all without a trace.
With the parents having thus 'disappeared', she became free to move in with her Uncle Gadget, an absent-minded family friend who sent cards whenever he remembered and dropped in through the roof occasionally (What, you thought he was her real uncle? How could ANYONE with that looball's DNA successfully have kids?). Under the new system of laissez-faire parenting, Penny's killer personality receded into the background, but when her beloved Uncle Gadget is threatened, it'll be back full force.
Result: Q is drawn, quartered, burnt, frozen, cut, sliced, diced, stabbed, beaten, raped, melted, shot, crushed, hung and julienne fried in 15 minutes.
PENNY (face in shadows): "And don't ever come back..."
- McKenzie Fleming
Then, you decide to bring up James Bond's theme, which thankfully supercedes the inspector's.
But his theme won't be silenced. Now, I got the horrible superposition of cartoon music idiocy and spy music idiocy.
Thanks a lot.
- The Black Goat
If we go by the animated Inspector Gadget, not only was he a ninny, he was the BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE HISTORY OF 80'S TELEVISION. The only, ONLY, reason he even SURVIVED week after week was because he was bailed out by a mutt and a 9-year old girl or because the bad guys were (inexplicably) actually dumber than he was. Penny is all grown up by now, so 007 would "take care" of her. The mutt didn't know what to do without Penny, so he is now out of the picture.
Q has wit.
Q has class.
Q has a brain.
1) Q vs. MacGuyver was already done by the CBUB.
2) While Inspector Gadget was the subject of a recent live action film starring none other than Matthew Broderick, (Now why does that name stand out in my mind so?) not enough people remember Dyno-Mutt to make a fight between these two viable in the WWWF.
For these reasons I have decided to boycott this shabbily cobbled together battle of two characters who would be better matched against others.
I mean, sure I voted. It's more of a moral boycott. I don't like this fight so, um, there! Take that!
Now, don't you just feel awful?
- Don "King"Milliken
And here's another point. What is the most dangerous British group of people? No, not crazed, drunken soccer fans. I'm talking about none other than...MONTY PYTHON! Nothing can stand against their smarmy attitudes and razor wit. And in the next movie, Q is retiring, and his job is going to R, portrayed by none other than JOHN CLEESE, the only man worthy to fill those shoes. Besides which, Q is British, another connection to Monty Python, meaning Gadget will become the next laser watch. That is, if there is anything USEFULL in his "arsenal."
- Dart Bader
In any case, the resulting spray will leave a disgusting puddle of Gadget on the floor, who is, sadly, only a cartoon.
As if he needed any more shame after being Disneyfied...
- The Archimage
And my heart went out to this spectre of my childhood.
Like many of you, my early years were spent in front of the idiot box. I spent much time thrilling to the daring do of Gadget, Batman (60's reruns, of course^^), Super Ted and his cronies. It goes without saying that I watched the Helluva Tough's Own Show, the A-Team", whenever I could as well.
My point is that, while I think that Q could book Gadget his own four star suite in Smackdown Hotel with his tonka toys and gimcracks, he's just freaking not. I don't care if Gadget was lame, corney and dumb. I loved it. And as such, he's getting my vote.
- Hong Kong Black Snotling, nuber one snotling guy. 8)
Inspector Gadget was voiced by the guy who played Max Smart on "Get Smart" and reicarnated as Matthew Broderick.
Think about it.
- Tracer Malone
- The Demented Astronomer
See, he _looks_ like a sweet, doddering old guy. Which is exactly why all those naive, trusting lab assistants go right ahead and stand in that phone booth, or hop into the passenger seat of that Aston Martin, or press the little button on that digital watch he hands them.
And awaken a few minutes later, halfway across the room and dazed as all get out from whatever nasty surprise Q put in those various gizmos.
Now think about it. Those lab techs are the same guys who helped BUILD these gizmos. And Q is, yes, a sweet, doddering old man. Inspector Gadget, on the otherhand, is so staggeringly moronic he constantly fails to notice burly henchmen in flimsy disguises luring him into mortal danger. You think he's not going to comply with the kindly older gentleman's polite request to stand over here, yes, that's it, right on the bullseye, and now if you'd just be so kind as to press this little red button?
BOOM. All of a sudden, Q has a lot of new spare parts to work with.
Q is so cool he doesn't even need to use his full name. Did they name the all-powerfull being on Star Trek Gadget? NO they named him "Q". Finally Q has the rage he's just been laid off by that Pussy Communist Tony Blair. Gadget will be have his politically correct ass kicked in 47 seconds or less.
- Weird Uncle Dave
(Villain-to-Villain Wire: Attn: Dr. Claw. Oh, you jobber you. You lose every F'N show (Movie? What movie?) to a retard, a Scooby-Doo knockoff, and Sailor Moon without the powers and the "puppies". Shame on you.)
Gadget would be lost against someone who can tell the time of day. That said, Q (regrettably) equips one of the great... brrr... heroes of modern times. This is not a contest, repeat, this is not a contest. The question is not "if" they team up, it's when-- I quit. Forget it. Have your non-alcoholic, pin the tail on the donkey, no stripper, Marie Osmond-like "party" somewhere else... <<drops microphone, walks out...>> --Todd Evil
Missing the days of Lex Luthor vs. Khan... and where's that damned Both Mangled and Killed button?
While on the outside, Gadget is naive and harmless, inside his head rages a mixture of Jacob's Ladder, Natural Born Killers, and In-A- Gadda-Da-Vida. Gadget's about ready to pop, and I wouldn't plan on being around when it happens.
Do the humane thing...have The Chief give Q a self-destructing message. At least it will be quick for the old man.
Inspector Gadget: Cool enough to warrant the coveted one-word name (remember folks, Inspector is a title only... Gadget is the name). At least in the same ballpark as the likes of Shaft.
Q: So cool headed, he's transcened the single name to be known by a single letter. This places him on par with the likes of Mr. T himself (remember folks, Mr.'s just the title/form of address, whatever). This is the type of poise under fire that symbol-boy Prince wishes he had.
Not even a contest. The Inspector should have never shown up.
- Joe Lombardo
". . . Superman - 'cause Superman is real and Mighty Mouse is a cartoon."
- Al B Tross
And the dog. The dog is named Brain! Out of two humans (well, 1.5) and 1 dog, the dog is the only one who has mental processes mentioned near him. Thats pretty bad.
But Q? He is responsible for the Boom-Box Bazooka, the the door knocker that knocks out the visitor, and the rocket launching cast.
Q makes the stuff for Bond. His tool always works (nevermind), and you never see it go off at an inappropriate time (nevermind again). Q has a reputation for quality, while Gadget has a bunch of useless, broken cheep tricks. Go Go Gadget Balloon Doggie! Yeah, that's useful. It'll pop anyway.
Finally, Gadget was made into a movie.
Its all going down as Q puts his brain (the grey matter, not the dog) into Inspector Gadget's body, and proceeds to upgrade himself, replacing the entire 00# branch. Who needs a lisence to kill when one man can slag an entire tank battalion?
- BOB: slayer of the wild spams.
John made maps and did all sorts of cool MI stuff. Gadget (the one true Gadget, anyways) can barely keep a desk job if it wasn't for Penny and Brain.
John is now a graphic designer and program head for my Journalism faculty. Don Adams is now hawking long-distance phone services in Canada (but not available in Newfoundland or Saskatchewan).
Besides, Q is all-powerful and all-knowing. Anyone who can annoy Picard on a daily basis is all right in my books...
- Vlad, Licensed to Wonder
- Vermin Boy
But how is Inspector Gadget evil you ask?
Next time it comes on, watch the show all the way through. Then watch the credits. Seemingly nothing evil. But wait...look who does the soundtrack...
SABAN AND LEVY!!!
For those who don't know, these guys are the founders of Saban Entertainment, and the creators of possibly the only evil to ever come out of Japan, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! That's right, these two harbingers of evil got their start on our innocent cartoon show. Therefore, Gadget is evil!!
Ah, but good always defeated evil on Gadget, and so it will be with this battle, and Q annihilates Gadget with that cool bullet-shooting camera from License to Kill (What kind of film does it take? 35 millimeter? *Setting off camera* [I forget the line after that but it was funny :P ]).
Besides, I made the single biggest misstatement in history around December of 1997 (Let's say it involved Tomorrow Never Dies and THAT DAMN SHIP MOVIE!!)...Bond will be redeemed.....
- Dark "Titanic? *pssh* We all know it's gonna get its butt kicked in the box office by Tomorrow Never Dies..." Fact
Anyway, the minute he pulls that pen out our fearless leader the Inspector tries to take it from him yelling out "Go Go Gadget Arm!" And, as history will tell, the arm is the only thing that does NOT appear. Amongst the keys, roller skates, blowtorches,and other items that randomly pop up where such boring things as fingers and arms were, is the most important tool of them all the COPTER.
Obviously, Gadget slips on his roller skates and rams headfirst (or should I say Copter first) into Q, killing him on the spot.
Gadget gets the job, leaving his old hobbies of chasing Dr. Claw and the MAD agents - and goes on to bigger and better things. Now, if only he spare another trenchcoat for James...
- Eimi, the paranoid android
Rage (tm): This category, once so venerated among the Grudge Match Public (tm), has fallen into decay and inapplicability since it was shown that every single person can be proven to have Rage (tm). Thus no points are given to either side.
Mentos Level Coolness (tm): This attribute is also null, as both parties coolness factors are based on their assorted gizmos.
Out-On-A-Limb "Star Trek Always Loses" Associations (tm): At first it would seem that the advantage goes to Gadget, because of the obvious Q/Q association. Unfortunately, this is counteracted acted by the fact that Gadget is part human, part robot, which makes him a cyborg, which immediately calls to mind the Borg, and which can cause a room full of Trekkies (we'll start calling you Trekkers when you start calling us Warriors) to resort to fistfights over who would win a fight between the Borg and Q. Advantage Nobody.
Unfortunately for Q, Gadget's part human/part robot status gives him a connection to Robocop (tm). And, as the 46th law of Grudge Match Outcomes (tm) states:
- Jak the Duck
Q pulls out a lethal device. Upon usage, only a stream of smoke escapes the device. "Rats! This only the demo, though. We'll get the beta version out and tested. Once the commercial product is available, it will work fine."
Laughing, Inspector Gadget calls out "Go-go Gadget LethalDoohickey!" And a lethal doohickey go-goes. Unfortunately, only a stream of smoke pours out of it, also. He slumps in frustration and looks at the operator's manual. Finding only confusion in that, he calls the technical support line. Hours later, when he finally gets through, he's told they can't fix it but they will send him LethalDoohickey(TM) version 7.1. It should arrive in a couple of weeks.
Crestfallen, Q and Inspector Gadget agree to meet again in a month to fight to the death.
- Mark Wentz
Both mangled and killed.
- The Dear Departed Spirit of Jared Goodwin
- The Animator--It October, which means Its FANBOY SEASON! Happy Hunting!
He has the brain, but he's an old man and no longer has the reflexes. Sad but true.
And even if he was as physically sharp as 007 himself, Gadget has the traditional Mr Bean-like luck of the inept... he's indestructable. Any laser beam would be reflected back off broken glass from the window he just accidentally smashed while ducking, or something of the kind.
Gadget, however, does have the capacity to hurt Q. If his gadgets work, then Q is toast by default. But even if they don't, the inept factor comes into play again. Witness Jar Jar Binks in battle for an example of how deadly the inept can be.
Maj Boothroyd is outmatched. Go go Gadget victory!
- -What, not THAT Q?!
How many others said the same thing, Grudge guys?
Not even Spock or Data could count that high. - Eds.
Q -- closest colleague represents the ULTIMATE in coolness
Gadget -- closest colleague gets blown up in mailboxes and trash cans.
The Rock says this one ain't even close.
- The Rock
Desmond Llewelyn has been around since "From Russia, With Love." That's the kind of staying power that only a government job can give you. Gadget was Maxwell Smart (not the picture of competence), replaced by--cough--a Disneyfied Matthew Broderick. No longevity, and he doesn't even have capable people playing him.
Q knows the importance of good equipment. He was putting Sony TVs in the Bondmobiles back in the Sixties, for cryin' out loud. Disney, on the other hand, is known for its inability to build an amusement park whose rides can stay in one piece. Between crap components and the antiviolence that is Disney, Gadget will be unable to so much as pull himself together after Q takes that rotor blade, shines it up real nice, turns it sideways...
Oh, wait, the wrestling match was over awhile ago.
Okay. I'm better. First of all, Q will horribly, viciously mutilate Inspector Gadget, and put his spare parts to use in some gadgets that work.
Q has the entire British government on his side, soulless, emotionless
rational zombies that they are.
Gadget has...a little girl. And a dog. In other words, two well-placed bullets.
Q has proven his competence and worth time and again with
miniaturization techniques and subterfuge that no one else would think
Gadget's crap constantly screws up.
Q's movies are popular pieces of film, such that people are always
going to see the next sequel.
The one single Inspector Gadget movie was a HUGE, GLARING HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY THAT ALLOWED US TO STARE INTO THE GAPING MAW OF HELL ITSELF! Another sequel wouldn't be watched, it would be BURNED.
I mean, come ON! Q doesn't even have to DO anything. He can just stand there while Gadget's own gizmos puree him into a vaguely cybernetic junkpile.
Finally, we'll get to see that rumored hidden Gadget Dildo...
If Penny is not present, Gadget is helpless, since he has about the same intelligence level as Roscoe P. Coltrane, Kelly Bundy, Gilligan, Homer Simpson, etc, etc, etc. Anyone who can't tell the difference between the bad guy and his own dog is setting new heights in stupidity.
I mean, really, how could Gadget win? Granted, it's been a while since I saw the cartoon. No, I haven't seen the movie. I don't acknowledge its existance. Anyway, if I recall correctly, there really wasn't a lot of mayhem in the cartoon. The worst that would happen is that Gadget would screw something up just in time for it to backfire on the just-arriving Chief Quimby (cue trumpets--wah, wah, waaaaaah!). I rather doubt Gadget would even know how to use his stuff for the purpose of inflicting pain and damage on another.
Q, on the other hand, has designed any number of lethal devices. Sure, he had others test them (he's no fool), but he knows how to use them. And they work. Gadget may have called for his chainsaw, but I'll bet he got his duckcall instead. Q won't have such a problem.
And if this isn't enough for you, consider the Namesakes-in-the- Entertainment-World-Coolness factor. Who's the other Q in the entertainment world? The immortal, omnipotent being from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Who's the other Gadget? Gadget Hackwrench. A mouse. This factor is definitely a no-brainer.
The end result? Q whips out his fountain pen/flamethrower and toasts Gadget before he can say, "Go go Gadget Fire Hydrant!"
You can't shoot a cartoon character. You can't cut bits off them. You can only make them flat, and they always bounce back. The magic and the mystery.
''Ah, is that you Moneypenny(tm), could you believe the nerve of M(tm) trying to replace me!?!'' He says. But then in that week's moment of clarity kicks in, he is able to look past that lame disguise. ''You're not Moneypenny(tm)!'' And just before another marvel of british engineering is about to rid the world of the mutt, he utters the words ''Wait!''.
Q(tm) (And Li'l Penny(tm) who is watching this through a ''Brain-cam''(tm)) are mortified. ''You speak....?''.
''Of course I speak! Now I'm tired of bailing out the inspector and being Penny(tm)'s slave, so what do you say we take the Bentley(tm) and go seek work elsewhere. Somewhere we'll be appreciated.''. A smug grin comes across Brain's face as he explains that he has connections in an organisation led by a certain Klaw(tm). As a matter of fact HE is Klaw(tm).
Later you see Brain(tm) and Q(tm) drive off into the sunset with what's left of Inspector Gadget(tm) tied behind the Bentley(tm).
- But Penny(tm) will have her revenge! HA! That's 20(tm)'s. The Real Darth Tenchi.(Accept ni imitations.)
"Excuse me young lady, but are you responsible for my weapon failure?"
"Yes I am, you hateful old man!"
"Yes, that's quite an ingenious invention you have there. I say, you wouldn't happen to have a resumé on you, would you?" Penny hands Q her resumé. "Yes, very good. Everything appears to be in order. You're hired."
"When can I start?"
"You can start right now. Hand me the book." Penny hands him the book. Q hands Penny the vacuum/rifle. Q disengages the lock on the weapon's firing mechanism. "Fire."
Penny takes aim and shoots Inspector Gadget, the bullet emerging from the other side of his neck.
"Excellent shot, Penny! Blighter should have known that there's nothing tighter than the hold a government official has on his job!"
"Quite so," replied Penny. "Quite so."
- Mike Leung
In an ironic twist of fate, the self-destructing message explodes as Gadget reads it, ending this match as prematurely as is deserved.
- Nicholas Eckert, a.k.a. the Vidstudent
- Jeff the Real Sympathetic man
Q wins, Gadget is scrapped, and that furry bastard Mad Cat joins Scrappy Doo, Marvin, and Wonder Dog in Cartoon Sidekick Hell.
- Ubiq -BURN MADCAT BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1) Q - Who do we know who's most likely related to this doddering old innovator? That's right! 'Q' from Star Trek! It's obvious upon closer inspection that Q is, in fact, part of the Q continuum who has been spending the past few decades manipulating Bond into carrying out some ingenious master plan. No way is he gonna let Gadget stand in his way.
2) Then we have Gadget. The first name that springs to mind for him is that of Gidget, the plucky beach babe who caused the noble sport of surfing to lose its communal touch with nature, and thus sped the planet along in it's decent to it's current state of squalid hell- holishness. One more reason for Q to snap his fingers and turn gadget into some kind of primordial goo.
The outcome of this match was so clear that it didn't even require a token round of 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon'. Q in two seconds flat.
Picking up his level 3 pen-grenade Q clicks it three times to arm it. Then he tosses it on the floor in Gadget's path. Gadget picks up the cleverly concealed explosive and while saying to himself, "Aha, a cleverly concealed explosive. I'll just throw it--"
And is blown to bits by the short fuse affected by the pen's triggering device. Q then uses his ingenuity to use parts from Insector Gadget to make a new car for 007 to drive in, one that even Bond wouldn't be able to decimate. Inspector Gadget gets his wish to help England fight crime with MI6, just not as he planned.
- The last remaining Gadget fan
- The Outsider
True, Penny won't make it into the MI6 buildings, but the dog... In England, a dog is as important as your afternoon tea for God's sake!!!
So, while Q tries thrashing poor Gadget (because I do believe Q has an advantage), he won't notice the dog which will attack and nastily grab his balls.
And at Q's age, I don't think he can recover...
- Champions du Monde!!!
- Big Dy
Oh yeah, and I want to see Penny delivered into the waiting hands (and whips) of none other than Granny Goodness herself. Forget that pitiful little book of hers that you so desperately allude to. She'll need a Bible to bail her butt out of that sling.....
He manages to fit the weight of the sun in gadgets inside one human body. Gadget is clearly a singularity (tm), a reigon of space that is larger inside then outside, and is inside a black hole. Nothing can escape a black hole. Q is gone. Gadget has cosmic powers that will reduce Q to a hydrogen atom in about .000003 seconds.
But why Blind Andrew, you may ask, has Gadget never demonstrated his star-annhilating powers? Its simple-Penny, the uber genius, has dealt with all of his problems for him. His job basically consists of sitting back and waiting for Penny to beat the villians for him-I wouldn't mess that life up with any powers! And its not like he would need to, Dr. Claw and MAD are the most pathetic villians ever. The Penguin could make these ultra-losers cry like Kathy Lee Gifford in about 3 minutes.
- Blind Andrew
- Go Go Gadget Prosthetic Libido!
- Tristan "Go Go Griffon Master" Pratt
But this also has to follow the rules of an Inspector Gadget esipode. Easy: Gadget bumbles Clousseau-esque through a Claw plot, getting his shiny metal ass saved by a little girl and a doggie.
Following this logic, Q has a rifle/vacuum cleaner, trashcan lid shields and porno receiving sunglasses. The necessity clause can pass on to all members of HMSS, so Q can only use these particular devices.
Also following this logic, Gadget has neither Penny nor Brain. He has to rely just on his own non-dog brain. Which was removed to make room for heilcopter rotors.
Gadget's eyes are plugged with lead before he can go-go-gadget some goggles down. He flails wildly, launching white gloved hands holding a seltzer bottle, a large wooden mallet, and a big ol' laser from his hat. Q deflects the laser into a button on Gadget's lapel. His coat inflates like Marlon Brando at a KFC and he floats skyward. Q slips on the shades, deadpan. "I can't see what that was all about. Of course, neither can he."
- Kilgore Trout
Gadget will scream "Go, go gadget chainsaw!" and cut a huge hole in Q's head. But, to the surprise of everyone, his head gloms back together (ala T2) and Q simply smiles. He then gives Gadget the finger. A huge, sharpened, extremely painful, liquid metal finger. Faster then you can say "Go, go Gadget Blender!" the good inspector is nothing more then a pile of mangled metal and a really annoying Don Adams voicebox.
- Pope on a Rope
It was with great honor that I accepted Inspector Gadget's request for a letter-of-reference. (Specificly, he requested the letter "A", but he deserves elaboration.) Especially since his refitting after the banana-peel accident, he has been an invaluable member of the Metro City Police Department.
Your brilliant ruse of tricking Q into "fighting for his position" will demonstrate why Gadget is such an effective field-agent. Many of Bond's foes and other schemers, both real-life and fictional (e.g. Boris Badanov), have learned the same axiom: No plan is completely fool-proof.
Enter Insp. Gadget, a walking disaster-area with a knack for stumbling upon Evil Plots(tm) and Lairs(tm) and making a royal mess of them without really understanding what's going on. At most, his bumbling and devices inadvertently bring down the entire operation. At least, they cause enough distractive chaos to allow an opening for his aides, Penny and Brain. In fact, every time Gadget even drops by our friendly HQ for a donut, our secretaries and custodians have to work double-shift for a week to straighten everything out again. (This is why Chief Quimby bravely endures countless exploding-messages to always contact Gadget in the field.) Yet, Gadget's cybernetic nature allows him to bounce back from whatever disaster he brings upon his surroundings.
I am sure all British have read Orwell's "1984," and recall the evil Party's third Slogan: "Ignorance Is Strength." Thus, you recognize the value of a man who repeatedly mistakes his own dog for an enemy agent. The more clever Q's devices, wit, and booby-trapped workshop, the more inevitably Inspector Gadget will accidentally foil them.
Please feel free to contact me. Perhaps you could visit Metro City for tea this April, if MI6 Headquarters has recovered by then.
Capt. Louis Hernandez, Metro City Police
- Matt Bricker, Transcriber
You notice how 007 never turns around before leaving and says," By the way old chap...why are you named 'Q'?" This is precisely why we get a new Bond every so often. Sooner or later, that English fop gets to big for his knickers, and has to ask the "letter-for-a-name question." The result is so gruesome, so horrifying, that we are not even shown how "he who precedes 'R'" dispatches of yet another agent.
And then the new guy appears. Q calls him 007, James Bond, but everybody knows he is not the same guy. Everyone remains silent because they fear "he who would put a bomb in a condum". Instead, all of them play the game. The new agent doesn't say anything because he knows the name is an easy way to get girls into the sack.
Sooner or later, however, the new guy turns around, and says," Q, I've been meaning to ask you..."
Unfortunately, this subtext prowess will be the demise of Gadget. James Bond could perhaps co-exist with a fellow stud (with two babe magnets, there should be more women around to share) but an entire team of them is just going to provide too much competition. JB discreetly snipes the Inspector faster than you could as "Go-Go Gadget Tombstone!"
- Paul G. (and, yes, I do have a dirty mind)
I don't care who wins the damn thing, just promise me you won't put Matthew Broderick in another match!
Ground Zero was saddened to learn of Desmond Llewelyn's death in a car crash, on December 19, 1999. He was 85.
He'll always be remembered for this ass-kicking he gave Inspector Gadget... Oh, and the Bond films too.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Bob Vila v. Tim Taylor
Six Million Dollar Man v. RoboCop
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