The piercing wail of a microphone silences the crowd. They turn to look at one end of the room where a modest stage with a modest banner is set-up. A round, silly-looking man with a sash that says "Mayor" taps on the microphone until the noise stops. "Welcome fellow tool enthusiasts! I and the rest of the Dubuque Town Council hope that you are having as wonderful a time as we are. Let's give a big Dubuque hand for all those lovely ladies running the refreshment tables!" A modest ovation begins and quickly dies down. "Well, without further ado, let me introduce the man you've all been waiting to meet: The Grand Marshall of this year's Tool Festival, Mr. Tool Time himself, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!" The sounds of cheers, grunts, and applause are almost enough to drown out the sudden drone of chainsaws and Weed Wackers (tm), all directed in Taylor's honor.
"Thanks, Deke," says Taylor as he takes the microphone. "Let me say what a great honor it is to be named the Grand Marsh-"
PA-TING!! "You fraud!" A voice shouts from the crowd. "I've been the Grand Marshall here for 15 years, and I'm not about to be replaced by a clown like you!" PA-TING! The second nail barely misses Taylor's head and hits a fake metal hammer hanging on the wall behind him. Tim and Al, who was on the stage next to him, dive for cover.
Out of the crowd, nail gun in hand and loaded tool belt on waist, emerges Bob Vila, with Norm in tow. "Quit hiding you coward! This Festival's only big enough for one Tool Man, and I don't plan on going anywhere!"
"You wanna fight?!" shouts Taylor. "Well, you've got one!" Tim and Al immediately start scrounging up tool-based weapons. Half the crowd flee the room, the other half scramble for a safe place to hide.
Bob Vila and Tim Taylor face-off in a premiere Hardware War, each with their trusty assistant at their side, and each with access to an unbelievable array of high tech tools. So, Steve, which terror with tools tops this testosterone-tainted tete-a-tete?
But most importantly, Bob Vila is out of his element. Although his show deals with tools, repairs, and home restorations, he will be helpless here. If you notice, Bob Vila hasn't ever even actually used a tool himself in his many years of television. All he does is bark orders at Norm and start pouting when the homeowners won't shell out an extra $10000 for a new slate roof on their garage. Bob will have to rely upon Norm to fight for him, and I don't think Norm's morale is too high after years of being pushed around. However, Tim and Al are good friends, and they are both proficient with tools. This is a 2 to 1 battle, and with lopsided forces like that, it will be over soon.
Additionally, Tim's imagination and inventiveness with new (often destructive) uses for tools (for which they were not designed) fits in perfectly with this battle. Bob Vila will be trying to throw his supply of Robo-Grips (tm) at Tim. Meanwhile, Tim will counter by strapping a Binford (tm) Economy-sized acetylene welding tank to a 200-horsepower turbo-charged lawnmower and turning it into a 50-mph car-bomb. End of story.
BRIAN: The way I see it, there are three undeniable truths in this match. The first truth is that Tim is going to create some over-sized hybrid monstrosity by riveting and wiring things together that were never meant to be riveted or wired together. This device could be like something you described, but my money is on the Binford (tm) Whirlwind 9000 Leaf Blower powered by a Pratt & Whitney F100-229 jet engine (this baby can produce 30,000 pounds of thrust on an F-16 Falcon fighter) which can fire wood chips at one-tenth the speed of light. The second truth is that Tim is definitely going to injure someone with said device. The final truth is that the first person to be injured and incapacitated by said device will be Tim himself.
C'mon, Steve. This guy has logged more ER time than George Clooney, and all of it from self-inflicted injuries due to his insane and inept re-working of perfectly functional hardware equipment. Every time he tries to build or fix something, he always overdoes it and always screws up, never actually getting the job at hand accomplished. It will be the same thing here. He'll get something that sounds great all hooked up, but then he'll end up impaled on it without putting so much as a scratch on Mr. Vila.
Face facts, Steve: although he hides it behind a veil of wit, Tim Taylor knows precious little about tools and how to use them effectively. It's clear from watching Tool Time (tm) that Al is the only one with real knowledge in this area. So will Al be an asset? No, of course not. He's too good and pure to ever try to intentionally hurt somebody. This is the guy that went over to the apartment of Heidi, the Ultra-Hot Tool Chick (tm), under the guise of "fixing her bookshelf". Well, guess what he really did? He went over there and fixed her bookshelf. What a loser! Bob and Norm, however, are each more knowledgeable than Al, nevermind Tim, and thus will be able to rewire tools into weapons properly. And from his attitude in the scenario, I don't think there's any doubt that Bob would be able to finish Tim off with extreme prejudice. George Utley inspects Tim's body and declares Bob the winner, just before being struck in the temple by a stray wood chip.
STEVE: Let's face the truth, Brian. Vila doesn't know squat about tools. All you have to do is watch TV to see this. He thinks tools are things like RoboGrip(tm) and HandiCut(tm). These are little gimmicky tools that look oh so useful on TV, but after you shell out way too much money for them, you find that they are really just little toys that just can't get the job done. I'm surprised Sears has lowered themselves to selling Ronco (tm) quality products. The bottom line is that Bob Vila wouldn't know a real tool if it struck him in the head, and that's exactly what's going to happen.
You have completely misjudged Al on this one, too. Sure, he may be a goody-two shoes, but let's look at his situation. Tim is his bread'n'butter. If Tim goes down, so does the show, and so does Al's job. Al will be defending Tim to the death on this one. Al loves his job, and he isn't going to let some washed up contractor steal it away from him.
The final factor is that Tim's wife isn't around. Jill is always holding him back, preventing him from unleashing his true creative destructive genius. Without her constant disapproval (and distraction), Tim will be able to bring to bear all of his tool prowess. And being a convention, you can bet the Tool Time Chick (tm) is going to be there. Her presence, along with Tim's testosterone, is going to set the field for Tool-Time destruction, the likes of which the world has never seen.
BRIAN: "These are little gimmicky tools that look oh so useful on TV, but after you shell out way too much money for them, you find that they are really just little toys that just can't get the job done"?? Boy, Steve, sounds like someone's been burned by shopping over the phone. C'mon, Steve, just because your Shawala (tm) hasn't lived up to your expectations is no reason to paint all TV devices with the same broad brush. You'd be amazed what you can do with a RoboGrip (tm) when you know what you're doing. True, it's no Leatherman (tm), but what is?
And besides, Steve, the RoboGrip (tm) and other such devices are only a small portion of what Vila uses. Those are just side things that he markets to help pay the bills. The vast majority of the stuff he uses is Craftsman (tm), backed by an unlimited lifetime warranty. What other tool line says that? Binford? I think not. Vila just reeks of quality, Steve, and I'll take quality over clumsily any time.
As far as mentioning Jill, well, that just seals your own fate. You claim that Jill "is always holding him back, preventing him from unleashing his true creative destructive genius." Damn right she is! She's the only reason he's even alive! With her not around, and with the challenge-induced testosterone flowing, Tim will rewire like he's never rewired before. The only way Vila will be hurt is if the resulting fireball is big enough to engulf the entire convention center, which is a definite possibility. After Tim turns on whatever contraption he creates, he will end up only slightly less disfigured than that cage guard from Silence of the Lambs.
Within minutes, some local construction workers are playing Taps on giant wood saws. Vila wins with little to no effort.
Thanks to the many people who have suggested this or similar
but special thanks to Judy "Mom (tm)" Wright who was the first.
Thanks also to Dave "Dad (tm)" Wright for important and expensive technical support.
For Home Improvement links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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ONCE AGAIN, you're both terribly, horribly wrong. Neither of these two gentlemen has ever actually been sighted finishing any work. Sure, occasionally they'll pick up a hammer and pound at a convenient fitting, but it's a token gesture at best. Both of these people are, in truth, naught more than glorified, talk-show host wussies. They'll try to resolve this little conflict by slap-fighting.
ENTER THE WARRIOR. This pathetic display arouses the wrath of the real Tool Guy[TM], Norm Abrams. Have you seen this guy? He's like MacGuyver's meaner, more rotund brother. The man has more power tools than the entire American auto industry combined. During the course of one half-hour show, the man will take a few acorns, grow them to mature oaks, cut them down using the most powerful, hi-tech chainsaw available, and then build them into a dinette set, sanded and finished to perfection. Give this man some scrap metal and a drill press, and he will build hisself a Panzer faster than you can say "A-Team". The two impostor toolmen, if they're not smart enough to run as soon as they see Norm coming, will soon become naught more than a lovely Crimson finish on Norm's next end table.
Anyone suggesting that Norm is Vila's 'sidekick' will be given a backrub with a belt sander.
Signing off from the Robo-Grip School of Dentistry,
Vila: Gets bonked on head on "Tool Time" by Tim and a 2-by-4.
Vila: Eats grass after getting beat in a riding-lawn-mower race with Tim (never mind that Tim ended up on the freeway).
Tim: Glues head to table.
Tim: Fries himself by using a potato to unscrew a broken light bulb.
Tim: Constantly bonks his head on basement pipe.
Tim: Crushes his wife's Nomad with a steel beam (see last entry for end result)
Tim: Is assaulted on an annual basis by his own Christmas decorations.
Tim: Is assaulted by his own Binford 5000 (tm) home security system.
Tim: Has a heart attack when he inadvertently lets a snake into his shirt.
Tim: Fractures skull trying to break boards in a desperate attempt to best Al at karate.
Tim: Gets beat up by guy at youngest son Mark's karate class.
Tim: Blows up some guy's house.
Tim: Blows up something else.
Tim: Accidently declares war on Denmark while filming "Tool Time" on location aboard a U.S. Navy carrier (hey, there's a thought: send him to Iraq...)
Tim: Has done hard time for alcohol and drugs.
Tim: Is employed by ABC and therefore the Evil Rodent Empire(tm).
Tim: Has 3 smart-aleck kids.
Tim: THE WIFE(tm)!!!!!!!!
Tim in a bloodbath...even if it IS mostly his own (arrr-arrr-ARRRHH!)
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Tim, of course, would be upset because not only Al, but also Mark and Randy would be unwilling to take part in the hardware war. Tim's only ally is Brad: this is of little help to Tim, since Brad is dumber than a bag of hammers.
Luckily, Tim is able to talk to Wilson, who also happens to be in Dubuque for a symposium on Buddhism with special guest speaker the Dalai Lama. Wilson shares with him some semi-obscure wisdom from the past, which Tim screws up with his characteristic malapropisms when he attempts to recount what Wilson told him to Al and his two younger sons.
Inevitably, the deadly apparatus that Tim is attempting to construct out of Binford Power Tools self-destructs, giving him severe lacerations in the torso, but surprisingly, not killing him. Vila supplies the formal coup de grace, whacking Tim on the head with a two by four. But of course, Tim has won the respect of his sons. Aww.
In the words of Bart Simpson, "I puke. The End."
I need a drink and a shower.
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
- Marc "Hannibal' Korman
Second, Tim has Al, who knows what is going on, and wears plaid. Al will help Tim out of any mess he gets into (as we have seen time and time again on television). Al could beat Bob Vila and Norm by himself, and if he has a complete collection tools to help him out, he's sure to kick some publicly funded butt.
Thirdly, Tim has the sage advice of Wilson, who will be attending while wearing an ancient sumerian construction-worker's mask, conveniently hiding his face. As soon as Tim becomes confused (right before the second commercial break) he will ask Wilson what to do. The faceless neighbour will dispense some sage advice which Tim can mis-apply and mis-quote to inexplicable victory.
Fourthly, Tim is owned by the most powerful empire on Earth, the Walt Disney Company. How do we know? ABC belongs to Disney. He was in the Santa Clause, Jungle 2 Jungle, Toy Story, and a pile of other movies (good and mostly bad) made by the Walt Disney Co. His book was published by Walt Disney. He belongs, friends, to the mouse. And (as we saw in the Microsoft vs Disney Grudge match) no-body beats Disney. If Bill Gates couldn't do it, no way Bob Vila can.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D. http://www.sayersnet.com/~dusty/
Assitance? None for either of them. Al and Norm will see no point to this, go have a beer, and be dangerous operating heavy machinery without the all important "safety glasses"(tm). They're both on their own and can't count on any support from the people hiding around the battlefield. Still: Advantage Toolman
Now, for actual fighting, I'd like to recall several episodes of Home Improvement. Tim has floored Vila with a board, without even trying, and also has Vila's face on the back of his dart board. All this training has readied him for this moment. Toolman by Two
What will take place? Well, Vila has a nail gun, so Tim will do the obvious thing: fight dirty. He'll take an air compressor and spray dust into Vila's eyes. During this time he'll use extension cord to tie him up, give him a shave with a table saw, then dump him into a dust collector and proceed to shred a small forest. Whatever remains of Vila will be processed with a Binford chainsaw and a Binford Deluxe Wood Chipper (ala' Fargo).
Tim becomes grand marshal of the parade, and blows up Dubuque by trying to supercharge the parade floats. If you'd like a video along with measured drawings and a materials list, just send $5.55 to
Not So New Yankee Workshop
555 Not a Real Address Road
Boston, Mass. Zip Code
- Chris "Pastry" Csont
Now the way I see it, Tim's on a winner here. Sure, every time he gets to work on something and gives it More Power (tm), it will either injure him, destroy thousands of dollars worth of property, or both. But there's one simple fact you have to remember, Al has never, EVER worked on a More Power(tm) project. However, with his job (the only thing to impress Heidi) on the line, you can bet that he'll be chipping in.
So what have we got? A couple of PBS losers with the sort of soc-called tool only schmucks with a phone and too much time will evr buy (who ever heard of a Robo-Grip (tm)?), up against the wrath of Tim the Tool Man Taylor. And this time, Tim actually has someone who knows what's going on to help him finally create a More Power (tm) device which actually works.
Beforeyou know it, Jill's Waffle Iron will be fused with a half-dozen lawn mower engines, creating an awe-inspiring mobile heat ray held aloft by six lawnmower-blades that have been turned into helicopter blades. And there's the fact that we know for a fact that Tim can kill without remorse. To quote Tim on the Simpons: "All right, I finally gave my ride on lawnmower MORE POWER! [grunting noises, mower accelerate backwards through fence that Wilson was behind.] Oh no, I've killed Wilson. Back to jail for me.[more neanderthal grunts]." With this callous disregard for human life, how can he fail?
- Chris Bird
- Seamus the Irate Leprechaun
The missles launch, Iraq is obliterated, the Chinese misunderstand and launch, then everyone else joins in and the world is reduced to a smoking cinder.
At the former site of the convention center a lone figure crawls out of the ruins and says "owwwwwww". Tim Taylor survives of course because as everyone knows, comic idiots are completely indestructable and can only be blackened a bit at worst.
As for the battle, you both have it wrong. While Heidi distracts the PBS pansies with a little T&A as she works, Tim and Al construct a Man's Living Room. Norm goes insane trying to figure out how they constructed the Retractable Furniture and power the 10 000 watt stereo system off a 120 volt outlet, where they found a 172 inch television and how they, in utter contempt of the mere laws of physics and home repair, placed an Automatic Pretzel Maker and Beer Dispenser in an ottoman.
With Norm standing in the corner and drooling, Tim unleashes his ultimate weapon--he presents Bob with the bill. Bob looks at the room, looks at the bill and realizes Tim has constructed something that should cost around $150 000 with a budget of $19.95. As Bob has never brought in a project under the original budget, he realizes his unworthiness to be even in the same state as Tim and beats a hasty retreat.
Of course Tim is nearly drowned in a bizarre accident involving the TV and the ottoman, but it's too late because Vila has split.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor trashes Bob Villa in 30.21 seconds (taking out half the convention goers at the same time in a freak accident with his Contraption-o-Death)
The ingenuity arguement need not be lengthy. Bob can certainly show you a clever way to keep the grout from your new adobe tile floor from staining your carpet and wood work. Tim can turn a wet/dry vac into a pneumatic cannon-o-death.
Lastly, let's just consider the amazing power the writers of Home Improvement have over those on whatever infomercial Bob can score this week. Tim can and will pop back, week after week, unscathed from whatever befalls him in any given episode. Bob has to hope that the Robo-Grip will be available in holiday colors, or he's off the air indefinitely.
Does Bob have a fighting chance?
I don't think so, Tim.
- Rob (I'm not Bob, Norm! He's over there!)
There's a mob of onlookers, happy go lucky handypersons armed to the teeth with hardware surplus. Expect them to get involved. It happens. Think bar brawls. Think Rodney King. Crowds like to gang up and trounce someone. Who will they fight with? Well, who would you pick? Admit it. You've done atleast one of Tim's patented roars. When was the last time you impersonated Bob Vila? Right-o. The crowd knows Tim. They want to celebrate with him after Bob is made into pavement pudding. They'll gang up. Bob wont see it coming. Al and Norm will choose to stay out of it, instead trading recipies (I have doubts that Norm is as much as a pansy as Al - yes, cooking is a pansy activity best suited for women - but its fun to imagine). The cops will show and drag Tim down to his parole officer. He may get some more time, but its good for the ratings.
- The Edge
Tim: Al, find something!
Al: Iím trying, Tim.
Tim: Al, try harder.
Al: Ah-ha! I found it. There you go, Tim!
Tim: A miter box? A miter box? What are we gonna do, saw him in half?
Al: No. I thought we could make a picture frame for him as an apology.
Tim: An apology for WHAT, not being bigger nail-gun targets?
Al: No, for taking his Grand Marshallship away from him.
Tim: We are NOT going to make a picture frame for him!
Wilson: Hi-dee ho, good neighbors.
Al: Hi, Wilson.
Tim: Wilson, what are you doing here?
Wilson: I was at the Faberge Egg Festival across the street and heard the ruckus. I thought Iíd come over and help quiet the situation.
Tim: Great, find a weapon and get Vila!
Wilson: Bob Vila? Of "This Old House?" Hmmm. He seems so nice on television.
Tim: Wait a minute, you donít own a TV. How do you know who he is?
Wilson: I tape it.
Tim: Back the truck up (TM)! How can you watch a tape if you donít have a TV?
Wilson: Now is not the time for nit-picking, good neighbor.
Tim: Youíre right. Letís go kick that Vila-monsterís butt! I wanted Al to help, but heís too busy framing pretty pictures. What a wimp!
Wilson: Tim, I am reminded of the wise person who said, "Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies." That wise person was W.L.George
Tim: Oh yeah? Iím reminded of the wise person who said, "the best defense is a good offense.
Wilson: Hmm. Iím not familiar with that one. Who said it?
Tim: Mel, the cook on "Alice."
Wilson: Now, Tim, I am reminded of the wise person who said, "the best offense is a firm handshake, for the only thing to follow is peace."
Tim: Who said that?
Wilson: Well, Iíll be. It was I.
Tim: I guess youíre right, Wilson. Iíll call a truce.
Wilson: There you go, good neighbor. Now, if youíll egg-scuse me, Iíve got some decorating to do.
Tim calls for a truce and Bob and Tim agree to be Co-Grand Marshalls. Officially, it was a show of good sportsmanship and compromise. Technically, Tim lost sole Grand Marshall status and Bob gained partial Grand Marshalldom. Therefore, Bob Vila wins the Grudge Match.
- Mark Wentz
Although there are many reasons, I'd like to point out something that you guys missed about Jill. True, she has kept Tim alive all these years, but that doesn't mean Tim has lost his edge. Oh no. Here he is, Grand Marshall at the Hardware Festival, no wife, and then Bob Vila comes in like he owns the place. Finally, Tim gets a chance to let loose with ten years' worth of crazy ideas that Jill would never let him try. Are they dangerous? Yes, but that's what Al is there for. In the thick of battle, he's not going to be convincing Tim to stop loading molten glue sticks into the snowblower, he'll just make sure that any misfires get directed away from Tim. Al can save Tim from his own RAGE (tm), but who's going to save Bob and Norm? Case closed. The festival goes on, and Tim gets to be Grand-Marshall-For-Life.
- The Dentman
The main combatants call a truce, and decide to settle their differences with a belly-bumping contest betweem Al and Norm. Bob is confident that years of lounging around on PBS have given Norm an unconquerable gut. Tim is just game for anything likely to embarrass Al.
The duel, however, ends in swift cataclysm. The first impact of so much L. L. Bean plaid workshirt material reaches critical mass, causing a rift in the Fabric of Space-Time(tm) and leveling parts of three states. The sartorial shockwave is strong enough on reaching Chicago to put Dennis Rodman in a three-piece suit, and hits New York with enough force to garb Howard Stern in a tasteful polyester blend.
In what remains of Dubuque, the lone survivor is a comatose Tim Taylor, in a satin dress and red leather pumps. Not wanting to completely lose its investment, ABC promptly makes him a recurring character on Ellen. Moral victory to Bob Vila.
Could've been much worse, though. The Carpenter's Cleavage contest would've wiped out the Western Hemisphere.
- Call me Shane
Why is Wilson not around? Because in reality he is the other heavyweight of the hardware set: Howard Cunningham! Since his kids got married he's had a lot of time on his hands, and no-one to share folksy homespun anecdotes with.
So, he sets up the double-Wilson alias (cunningly hiding his true identity behind a fence), implanting subliminal suggestions to Tim in order to increase hardware turnover and therefore the value of Binford (a subsidiary of Cunningham Hardware) shares.
- John Hunter
Why, my goodness, Al is spy and he's currently letting Bob in on all of Tim's little plans. Come on, this was too easy. We saw Al host a write in campaign on Bob's behalf for Tim's favorite guest contest. We see how Al idolizes him, and tries to dress like him. Sure, Al and Tim may be good friends now... but check out the syndicated programming! Syndication sees a bagizillion more people a day, and the bitter, disgruntled Al is the one we know and love. Al wants Tim's job. Al wants revenge for all of the jokes about his mother. Without Al to save his ass, Tim self distructs when he accidently leaves a propane torch in the jet engine. Al and Bob are hanging out at the flannel display planning Al's new series: "An educational and helpful look at tools".
- Janice Miklovic
For those of you who don't watch enough television, you might not be aware of just how powerful Bob and Norm can be. As any true American viewer should know, Bob was released from the confines of PBS and "This Old House" years ago due to some kind of 80's style trading scandal, to be replaced by pale imitator Steve. So now Bob has his own show wherein each project involves the use of some exciting new building technology - now available at Sears! Meanwhile Norm not only carries the hapless Steve, he even has a show of his own in which he demonstrates his possession and use of every power tool known to man, with all protective guides removed for purposes of increasing danger. I seriously doubt Tim or Al could actually carry their own shows - they can barely carry a celebrity golf tournament.
But the real battle is between Al and Norm. While Al has all the wacky gadgets he's always using, even his fake sitcom tools look small and puny in comparison to Norm's real tools. Furthermore, Norm has repeatedly demonstrated the ability to take a piece of elegant Shaker furniture, originally built with the simplest construction tools and methods, and re-build it into a dove-tailed monster truck of a home accent using every tool in his possession. In any potential build off between the two, Norm would actually use up all of the tools and materials on hand at the time, leaving Al no room or equipment to work with. Maybe Norm will let Al keep the custom router jig he'll no doubt need to construct during said build-off as a way of saying "nice try, kid".
The House Rocks.
- Dave C.
If we're using Norm Abrams of the New Yankee Workshop and This Old House, this will be a cakewalk for the Taylor team.
Al looks up to Bob Vila, but detests Norm's guts.
"Why the hell should HE have his own show?" wonders Al. "I'm the one with all the knowhow. All Norm does is make furniture."
Al's rage over this Vila lackey getting his own show boils over. With the speed of Tim's souped-up can opener, Al rushes over and knees Norm in the Good n' Plenty. While Norm's guard is down, out comes the Binford Bandsaw. Norm is reduced to gore on the New Yankee Workshop floor.
Tim smiles at Bob. "Who's got the advantage now, buddy boy?"
"Now, Tim. Can we declare a truce? I'll just leave and stick to doing Sears commercials..."
"Er, no. If you're doing commercials, it's going to be as John Madden's sidekick on the ACE spots."
"Fine! Whatever you say!"
Vila runs out of the warehouse thanking heaven.
- Vlad the Wonder Boston Pizza Waiter (whole lotta jobs...)
Red Green, off the 'New Red Green' show.
The bearded Canadian has caused twenty times the damage
of sorry little Tim, and that's just using the power of duct tape
Who else do you know who has actually built a fully functional super crossbow out of a boat trailer, PVC pipe, fan belts, and a shovel?
Let us also not forget the genius of his nephew Harold. True, he'd spend most of the fight hiding behind an overturned DuraShears(tm) display. But all Red has to do is get his nephew talking about his favorite episode of Baywatch, and Harold's squeaky nerd voice will cause everybody's head to explode! (The exception being Red, who will just insult Harold as usual then get on with his life...)
Red wins! Go Cannucks!
- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood
It all comes down to a primal expression of strength: the grunt. On the rare occasions that Bob grunts, it's more of a labored, 'bout-to-throw-my-back-out kind of groan. Tim, however, has made famous the virile, testosterone-ridden "HOU-HOU-HOU," a sound that can only come from a deep seated instinct to maim, kill or build something with one's bare hands.
Tim will emerge victorious after separating Bob's head from Bob's body with a reciprocating saw. Bob's head will then be mounted on a wrecking bar and paraded about the Tool Time set to a chorus of grunting courtesy Tim, Al and The Tool Time Babe.
P.S. Steve, you stop pickin' on my boy!
- Brian's Mom
Hey, Steve. My Mom can beat up your Mom. -B
Oooh. Now you need your mom to come in and save you... -S
Villa tries to recharge his Craftsman Asshammer for another round, but that single power drain, plus the three and a half hours of extension cords going from a single lousy wall socket, blows the electricity for the entire arena. The battleground goes to darkness, lit only by Norm's flaming solder fodder mechanical war machines.
Villa sticks his head from a singed wicker hole. "No power! If we continue, we'll have to drain our batteries!"
Taylor ponders the situation. "Darn it, that grey haired goon is right. So what, we call a truce?"
Villa emerges cautiously from his hutch. "I guess so." They stand, and simultaneously drop their weapons. "Forgive me?"
Taylor hitches up his belt and grunts satisfactly. "I guess so, Villa."
Then, both Villa and Talyor are stabbed in the back by identical pitchforks. As they slump down, Norm and Al stand behind them, hands bloody from their mentors' vital fluid.
"Thank God it's finally over." Norm says. "Bob's like a slave driver."
"I hoped it wouldn't come to this," Al said. "With everything Tim did, I figured he'd do himself one of these shows and save me the trouble of it."
They clinked their red drippy pitchforks together. They each had an encoded hex on the handle. "Amish power!!" they cry meekly, remembering the Lancaster farms from which they came.
"If only Tim's new movie about the Amish wasn't belittling our societal choices." Al said. "He could have stuck to making fun of those barefoot savages in South America like Jungle 2 Jungle, but he had to go to Pennsylvania. You do that," he hefted his fork, "you're messing with the wrong sect."
- Kilgore Trout
And if it becomes a protracted battle, who has the better reinforcements? Tim can call on ABC psychopaths like Andy Cipowicz (sp?). Who has Bob got? Barney? I don't think so, Tim...
- Sluggo at UIC
- There are some who call me...............Tim
- Allies. Tim Taylor, as we all remember, is really Santa Claus. He's got hordes of elves to do his bidding, some with rocket packs. Plus all the kids in the world are on his side. All of them. Even the ones who claim they don't believe in Santa. 'Cause they want those presents. And nobody, especially Bob, is going to get in their way. Who does Bob have to stand up for him? A few underpaid lackeys who work on this old house? I don't think so.
- The RAGE (TM). Tim has got the rage. How many times have we heard him rail about how much he hates Vila? Every night, twice a night, 5 or 6 times a week. To me, this represents RAGE(TM) in its purest form. How many times has Vila complained about Tim? Not even once. Due to his lack of RAGE(TM), Vila has never bothered to study his opponent, wheras Tim has spent years analyzing Bob's every move for weakness.
- Intelligence. OK, a lot of people are going to say that Vila is way more smart than Tim, since he doesn't mess up nearly as often. I will begin by reminding you that we have no way of knowing this, since Vila's shows are not aired live in the manner of Tool Time. Which brings me to an important point. Where does Tim work? Nice, private, heated and airconditioned studio, specifically set up for the show, with Heidi and devoted fans to cheer him on. Where does Vila work? Drafty, broken down old houses, around a bunch of guys with butt cracks bigger than the grand canyon. Who's the idiot?
If Norm was directing Bob's every move he would have a chance.
But for the sake of my argument, let's say the Three Taylor Lads[TM] are helping Tim. They'd all be behind a rampart of peg boards and plywood working away at a little something with their arc welders and such. Al would be sent to gather supplies, while the three boys oversee the project, and Tim giving guidence (and grunting).
After a little while, with Bob Villa gone Commando[TM], toolbelts strapped across his chest like bandoliers and hefting a gnarley Weed Whacker/Hedge Clippers/Garden Weasel/Potato Peeler weapon, the Taylor's creation will step out: A giant, 8-foot, invincible robotic Tool Man!
Yes, just like the one the Three Taylor Lads[TM] made for Tim for Father's Day, only much more deadly (cuz it runs on MORE POWER![TM] Hargh! Hargh! Hargh!) with chainsaws for arms, a big wood chipper in the chest, and sawblades all over!
But only after Tim gets hurt (to understate it), will it do its job.
And OH! WHAT A JOB! It slices, it dices, it reduces Bob Villa to a
fine red organic environment-friendly pulp!
HARGH! HARGH! HARGH!
- ManlyMonkeyDog--ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!
So what happened? On the surface this match sounds like the story of the turtle and the hare in which the boring, steady turtle beats the much flashy, overconfident rabbit. But it just doesn't apply here. Look at the combatants.
Bob Vila is competent, steady, reliable and totally boring. Having been subjected to watching his show on several occasions, you have to admit two things: (1) Bob is good at what he does and (2) watching what he does ranks with "watching paint dry" and "watching grass grow" on the universal entertainment index. He is nonfiction incarnate. My guess is that him and Norm will build something practical and completely unimaginative, like the cliched makeshift flame-thrower or some other completely predictable device. He is definitely the turtle.
On the other hand, the "Toolman" is completely unpredictable but his inventions tend to be dangerous because his ego gets in the way. Lawn tractor race? Let's add some nitro! BOOM! A tool contest against a WOMAN?! Let's put a gas engine on that screwdriver (More Power! AUH! AUH! AUH!). It drills right through the wall. Microwave broken? Let's REWIRE it! ZAP! Sounds like the hare to me except for one key element. If you put Tim in a situation where he has to be serious and concentrate (like rebuilding a hot rod or raising his kids), WHAMMO, he comes through. Saving his own life keeps him focused. With no ego in his way, his odd inventions (in this case a tribute to the tool/weapon masters the A-Team) will work perfectly. Afterwards, in an interview for the eleven o'clock news, Tim's ego will kick in and all hell will break loose. But for now, "The Toolman" shall reign supreme.
- Paul Gooolba
Al and Norm have always been in the background never getting the credit, but doing all the work. Where would Tim and Bob be without them? Certainly not the grand marshal of the tool festival! But for all their loyalty, violence is not in their blood. They're lovers (of tools, not each other), not fighters. They're not getting involved, Tim and Bob are on their own.
So here's how it goes down...Tim calls out, "Heidi, bring out the Binford Vil-liminator 2000(tm), argh, argh, argh." From behind the curtain appears Heidi the tool chick wheeling out a cart with a part shop vac-part wood chipper device. Taylor was no fool, he had had his run in with Vila before, and this time he was prepared. This was not going to be another riding lawn mower disaster.
"Taylor, you sorry excuse for a handy-man, when are you going to give up and realize that I'm am the orignal and only true TV handy-man?! My name is Bob Vila, you killed my career, prepare to die!" shouts Vila as he whips out his own tool weapon - the Craftsman Taylor-Away(tm): part weed wacker-part acetylene torch.
side note: of course Tim isn't really responsible for Vila's failure as a TV personality, but Bob was placing the blame on Tim despite the fact that Bob and his therapist had discussed this he knew it wasn't true.
The sounds of the of the Taylor-Away and the Viliminator fill the convention center as the two angry tool men run toward each other. But the suction from the Viliminator is too strong for Bob as the Taylor-Away is pulled from his hands into the blades of the Viliminator. Just as Tim prepares to reunite Bob with his weapon/tool, the acetylene torch of the Taylor-Away ignites with the gas tank of the Vilimator taking out Tim, Bob, and half the town of Dubuque to that big hardware store in the sky.
Unable to watch their bosses battle, Norm and Al had opted to go out for so tea. Upon hearing the news of Tim and Bob's demise, the two of course weep. Then, composing themselves, decide that tool-television should not die out with Tim and Bob, and thus take it upon themselves to carry on the work they had started. Logically Al gets to be the head honcho since he already has endorsements (Orchard Supply and Hardware and that weird foot filing device).
So, check your local listings for the new, more sensitive Handyman Hour starring Al Borrland and his sidekick Norm.
Let's take a closer look at Mr. Vila. Look at his closely cut brush of hair, his neatly trimmed goatee. You know what I see? 15 inch tall GI Joe action, that's what. Bob's a dead ringer for everybody's astro-turf headed warrior, and that'll tell closely in this match. At best, with no discernable facial hair Tim "Tool" Taylor might manage a bionic man, but the bionic man action figures were tiny in comparison. If Al's lucky, he gets off as a suddenly hirsute Oscar, if not, a rotund limited edition Tom Selleck "Magnum PI" doll. When you had GI Joe versus anyone, let alone someone as wimpy as the bionic man, Joe always won. This was before GI Joe was dehumanized and turned into a glorified CIA flack. Back in the old days there was always veiled reference to some sort of central command, but you knew Joe was the man in the field, and could do whatever the hell he wanted. He burned cambodian villages with glee, and tackled swarthy arabians before they were even portrayed as enemies by the media. He would never wimp out and whisper/scream "the horror... the horror...", and neither would his illegitimate son/kindred spirit Bob Vila.
It might come down to Bob and Tim tearing at each other, with Bob extending the match just so everyone could see his tattooed on blue skivvies, peering coyly from the rips in his camo handyman outfit. Then with a mighty kung-fu grip chop Vila disables Tim, sending him straight into the High School Students Inexpertly Power-sawing Planks exhibition. If he's lucky, Emo Phillips comes by and claims a severed thumb. Vila goes on to win the match, and scientists still ponder why his hair and beard never seem to grow any longer.
PS-Just so the age-impaired or dumb don't mistake, this entire setup depends on the old GI Joe, who was at least 15 inches tall, had real hair, a kung fu grip, and blue underwear tattooed to his androgynous groin. You think you're tough? I'll see you at the tattoo parlor pal.
- Chris Denschikoff, www.banick.com
While Tim is busy trying to create plutonium for his home-made Binford Nuclear Warhead, and Bob is giving marching orders to Norm, the Evil Ones of the Home & Garden Network(TM) will swoop in and annhiliate them all.
After all, the people on those shows on the H&G Network are far more diabolical and messed up. For instance, the psycho guy with the garden show that keeps talking about his compost pile. Or the hooby guy who enjoys going to other people's houses and playing G.I. Joes...
Having eliminated their only competition on television today, the Evil Ones can now institute their REAL PLAN: to clutter the minds of people everywhere with endless hours of drivel, so that they may someday be slaves to do their bidding... next up.. PBS...
- Rik A. Kyser
Villa is much more than just some lowly toolman, he is a frontman for the entire military industrial complex. Think about it, he use to work for an entity run by the American government, and now he works for a giant American corporation, and as for selling "little gimicky tools that look oh so useful on TV, but after you shell out way too much money for them, you find that they are really just little toys that can't get the job done", if that doesn't describe our defense budget I don't know what does. (If you think RoboGrip is overpriced, check out the price tag on a stealth bomber) His purpose is to make the average North American male become so enamored of expensive toys that don't work, that they won't mind shelling out billions of dollars in their taxes so the government can buy expensive toys that don't work.
Anyway, can you see the stakes now? It is getting harder and harder to justify our bloated defense budget, but a sweeping victory here, can probably guarantee funding for at least another year. As such Villa is probably guaranteed access to full military cooperation, and will (after watching Clear and Present Danger to see how the government has previously taken out drug dealers) have an FA-18 fighter drop a laser guided bomb on Tim as soon as the match begins.
Of course this won't end up mattering in the end since we all know that Tim will manage to set off whatever technological terror he has constructed before the bomb hits, and the resulting carnage from his own device will do far more damage than a mere 2000 lb bomb as well as taking out all four of our combatants. Technically a draw, but since the military will probably be able to take the credit for winning (survivors right the history books) and might be able to reverse engineer Tim's device as a new weapon, I'll have to call it a posthumous victory for Bob and Norm.
- Brendan W. Guy
Now, if you take away the high tech advantage of power tools, I'd give the nod to Al. Norm can't nail anything together without a pnuematic nail gun.
OTOH, if you recognize the fact that Al is a fictional character, and the actor knows squat about real work, Norm is the only one who really knows tools. But his fixation on perfection would let Tim Allen's imagination take the day with a thermonuclear weedwacker before the third coat of varnish dried on Norm's trebuchet.
- Always wear safety glasses
With his Revenge-of-the-Nerds-refugee nephew Harold laying down suppression fire, Red will roar suicide bomber style toward Villa's well-fortified position. While Tim and Al use the diversion to exercise the better part of valor, Red leaps free, leaving the most dangerous non-nuclear weapon on the planet speeding unmanned toward Mr. Craftsman. Knocked unconscious by a rapid stream of day-glo pucks to the back of the head, Villa expires quickly and painlessly along with half of the convention center.
The immediate threat is over...but a greater disaster looms close. Damaged by the explosion, Tim's tenth-of-the-speed-of-light-cold -fusion-powered wood chipper implodes, creating an interdimensional rift that spits out several alternate-dimension Tim Taylors before it closes. With multiple Tims working together, the human race has a month to live, maybe less if all of them speak English in their realities.
- Silverback- Rambette finds him handsome _and_ handy.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Wilson v. Flanders
Q v. Inspector Gadget
MacGyver v. A-Team
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