The Scenario

"Well, hi-diddly-ho, neighbor-eenie!" greets Ned Flanders.

"Well, hi-dy ho back to you, new neighbor!" replies Wilson. "Long time no see."

"What brings you to town?"

"Well, Tim Taylor accidentally created a crater where my house used to be, so I decided to get a fresh start," Wilson answers.

"I moved into the house across the street," Wilson continues. "Did you know former Presidents Bush and Ford resided there for a while?"

Suddenly, the two are interrupted.

"D'OH!"

"What's wro-diddly-ong, Homer?" inquires Flanders.

"I was in the attic, looking for my beer hat, and I found this chest," Homer explains. "Instead of having riches and wealth, it just has these stupid stone tablets!"

"Well, dip me in caramel and call me an apple, those tablet-areenies are the Ten Command-diddly-andments!" Flanders exclaims.

"Why, I do believe you've happened upon the Ark of the Covenant, Homer," interjects Wilson.

"Mmmm.... thine neighbor's wife™."

"Homer, what are you going to do with it?" asks Wilson.

"Phhhsshhh! I dunno."

"I'll take it!" Flanders and Wilson simultaneously offer.

"Go ahead and take it," agrees Homer before muttering, "Suckers!"

"Maude and the kids and I will surely get to heaven with this in our house!" begs Flanders.

"It will be a wonderful piece to restart my religious artifact collection!" Wilson responds.

"Artifact collection??!!" snaps Flanders. "You think that's more important than our Salvation™? We have to have those tablets!"

"They belong in a museum! My museum!!"

With that, the brou-diddly-ha-diddly-ha-aroonie™ begins.

So, Brian, which anti-Indiana-Jonesian will jog off with this Judeo-Christian jewel?

vs.

Flanders

The Commentary

BRIAN™: First of all, let me say what an honor and a privilege it is for me to serve as a Guest Commentator™ here at the Ground Zero™ affiliate. Although, I must admit, this place is much smaller than I imagined. With 8 of you I thought you might be able to pool enough money to afford something a little nicer than two trailers in a vacant lot. But I'll try to make due (Paul's David Hasselhoff posters are a nice touch). I just hope my return from retirement isn't as embarrassing as those of Larry Holmes in the boxing ring or Erik Estrada in CHiPs '99.

Second of all, Wilson will rout the pitiful and unprepared Flanders. As I sit here in HotBranch!'s hot pink bean bag chair, I cannot think of a single positive for Flanders. Imagine the fight starting. If Flanders has ANY hope of winning, he'll need to be filled with feelings of Rage™, Anger™, and Envy™ (of the tablets). Boy, looks like a checklist of The Ten Commandments™ themselves. What's the first thing he's going to do? That's right, call Reverend Lovejoy. "Reverend, I'm about to fight this neighbor over the Ten Commandments, but I have all these terrible feelings that break the commandments themselves. What should I do?" "I don't know, Ned... try reading all of Psalms and see what it says." Flanders will have his nose in his Bible while Wilson is moving The Ark into his den.

Wilson, OTOH, would tear anybody in Springfield, except for maybe Snake and Moe, into little tiny bits. IF the fight were to start, Wilson would announce that he spent 3 years in the Himalayas learning Chew-Da-Phat, the Deadly Art of Nepalese Kung Fu. Additionally, Wilson has been conditioned to gore (and probably pain as well) from living next door to the accident-prone Tim Taylor for all those years. Flanders, however, screamed like a woman at the sight of a dead house plant. That's sad.

And let's not forget Wilson's biggest advantage: every time you "see" him, his face is obscured by some object. This will help lead him to victory in two ways: 1.) It gives him a masked-avenger type quality. Part superhero or part professional wrestler? No one really knows for sure, but it spells doom for Mr. Love Thy Neighbor™. 2.) He can't be hit. IF Flanders actually got the cojones/strength to take a swing at Wilson, every face shot would be deflected by a lamp post, garbage can lid or window shutter. Flanders might be lucky enough to get a body shot or two in, until Wilson ends up behind a fence. With Flanders' knuckles broken, Wilson moves in for the kill.

MARK: Yeah, it's an honor to welcome you back. Oh, and thanks for making fun of our digs. As you'll recall, we used to be in the wonderful WWWF Tower. Unfortunately, while you and Steve called dibs on the top 47 floors, the new guys (and the rest of the WWWF personnel) got to share the basement. I don't mean to complain, but it was 3 to a cubicle. (Let me tell you, Ground Zero personnel have a lot of things to offer the world, but personal hygiene expertise ain't one of 'em.) Anywho, it's still crowded in these trailers, but at least we don't have to kiss your feet every morning. (At least we didn't until you decided to bless us with your guest commentary.) By the way, I know this isn't the WWWF Tower, but we still have a dress code: PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS!

That professional wrasslin' angle of yours was a might cute. However, the rest of your commentary was magical--mostly smoke and mirrors. First off, you seem to have confused the Ten Commandments with the Seven Deadly Sins. Second, Kung Fu is self-defense: not offense. No self-respecting martial artist would attack someone reading a book--there is no honor in that.

Finally, don't think for a minute that just because Flanders is religious means he won't fight. Many a battle hath taken place because of religious differences. You have the Crusades. In Northern Ireland, you have the Protestants versus the Catholics. Let's not forget that the Middle East crisis isn't about which looks better in a springtime floral arrangement: daisies or marigolds. Religious people are apt to fight, and Flanders is extremely religious.

Flanders demonstrated his tenacity when Homer decided to form his own religion. Flanders stopped by Homer's house, called him at work, and followed him on a high-speed chase--even through a moving empty boxcar! Ned's also got endurance. Why, when he tried to shoo those kids from in front of his store, they chased him for three days. In the end, he was a bit winded, but not much worse for the wear. So he's got tenacity and he's got endurance. All he needs is provocation. I foresee Wilson quoting the Dalai Lama. Flanders, realizing Buddhism isn't Christian, plays missionary by beating the snot out of him. (At least, that's MY understanding of the Crusades.) With his tenacity, his endurance, and a cause, there is no stopping our pal Ned Flanders.

BRIAN™: You know, Mark, I could sit here and argue all day about how The Seven Deadly Sins™ are obviously one possible interpretation of the Ten Commandments, but that would be fruitless. Plus, Thinkmaster's chihuahuas have started peeing on themselves again, and this place is starting to stink. I don't want to stay any longer than I have to. The bottom line is that Flanders is going to go out of his way to not sin. Period. Thus, no fight.

Additionally, I am well aware of the potential brutality of religion. Pardon the phrase, but you're preaching to the choir here. My views on the subject have already been made a matter of public record. The problem I have is with your trying to equate Ned Flanders with Tomas de Torquemada. Sure, some overly religious people fight, maim, torture, and kill, but most are wimps. Shall I remind you of when Ned Flanders was turned into Satan for that Halloween episode? He lost a trial to the Simpsons with a jury he picked! And the best punishment he could think of was turn Homer's head into a doughnut? No Prince of Darkness he. And let's all remember the time he was pushed completely over the edge. All he did was swear a lot and then check himself into a mental institute. I don't think he'll be leading any Jihads™ anytime soon. Be sides, any true Religious Fanatic is constantly on the lookout for the End of the World™. Simply building a bomb shelter isn't enough -- he'd have to live in one, constantly stocked with canned goods, bottled water, gasoline, a short wave radio, and ammunition. In Montana. And when all of Springfield tried to squeeze in when The Big One™ was about to hit, he shoulda pumped 'em full of lead according to God's law. Clearly, Flanders isn't about to hurt anybody. Wilson in a rout, if not a forfeit.

Well, thanks for having me. I'm outta here as soon as I find Brendan. He said he got a phone call about where I could find my pants.

MARK: Bomb shelters and canned goods? This is a neighborly spat, not the Apocalypse. Flanders doesn't have to lead a Jihad™ nor does he need to be a Montana Militiaman. He only needs to beat a dude so yella that he rarely comes out from behind a backyard fence. Plus, while Flanders may be mild-mannered in daily associations, he tends to become a bit more aggressive when it comes to religious salvation. When it comes to religious salvation of himself and his family, he's quintessential freaky.

As far as Flanders failing as the devil; remember, he beat Homer and Lionel Hutz (granted, that doesn't take a lot of sweat). However, the reason he lost is because of Marge Simpson. She can be pretty wise. Wise enough to beat Satan. Wilson ain't all that wise. He just knows a lot of quotes from wise people. He only seems amazingly wise in comparison to Tim Taylor. (There's that lack of sweat again.)

It comes down to the basic interpretation of the Ark. To Flanders, it's everlasting life™. To Wilson, it's only a knick-knack. Flanders' dedication to organized religion won't allow him to let the Ark slip through his fingers.

Finally, Brian™, thanks for stopping by--I now have a much greater respect for Steve™. Been nice seein' ya. Now don't let the door hit you in your Zubaz on the way out.

For Home Improvement links, visit Sitcoms Online.

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

...And Flanders didst say unto him, "Get thee behind me, Wilson, for mine art the Commandments, and no earthly power shalt stave them from mine eyes!" But verily, Wilson wouldst not relinquish the Commandments, and didst lunge at Flanders with a mighty cry, and the earth shook with its fury. But lo, Flanders was imbued with the power of the Lord, and didst prepare for the attack, and whence Wilson came near within 2 cubits of the Ark, Flanders didst call upon the Vengeance of The Lord (TM), and yea, his body did begin to glow with an unearthly light, and his eyes shone forth with a heavenly glory. And Flanders didst smite Wilson with his left hand, and then smote him again with his right hand, and thence followed a terrible smiting as 40 years of agression were workedst out upon the heathen Wilson.

And whence them smoke hadst cleared, verily did Flanders stand atop the corpse of the Lord's enemy, and lo, he did speak. And the triumphant call which fell from his lips wert the Lord's own words:

"Ooodely dooodely."

- Trooper TK

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Considering who they've lived next to for years and the fact that violence has never broken out, I think we can dispense with any thought of these men throwing down. It's about as likely as Monica Lewinsky getting her reputation back. After a lively but civil debate, they will compromise and each take one of the tablets home, leaving Homer to keep the Ark as a beer cooler. And that's why this match is more deserving of a "Both Mangled and/or Killed" button than any other in Ground Zero history.

In 1 Samuel 5 we read of the havoc wreaked on the Philistines when they captured the Ark of the Covenant. Their temple idol repeatedly fell over on its face in front of the ark, and God afflicted the people of two Philistine cities with tumors. Only after they returned the ark to Israel was the curse lifted. God didn't condemn the Simpsons for having the ark, because Homer is so stupid that he's practically non compis mentis which is Latin for "a few cruise missiles short of a dog-wagging". If Homer even had the capability to buy a clue from the clearance rack, the fridge and the TV would be falling over every five minutes and the whole family would be paying a visit to Dr. Nick Riviera, Discount Oncologist.

Unfortunately, neither Wilson nor Flanders has that handy stupidity excuse. Never thinking to consult the "tumors" entry in his Biblical Concordance, Flanders goes to Reverend Lovejoy for advice when his family starts to resemble a cage of lab rats on saccharin-coated uranium pills. He'd have been better off asking the Magic Eight Ball. Meanwhile, Wilson is trying every home remedy he can think of, but nothing works, not even the boiled weasel bladders in blue corn tortilla compresses. Eventually everybody dies horribly, and their estates sue Monty Burns, since the nuclear plant was obviously responsible. Burns countersues, and wins the Wilson and Flanders homesteads. He sells the tablets to the Jerusalem Museum of Antiquities (Motto: Though shalt not touch the exhibits) and packages them up for shipment. Unfortunately, an errant postal worker routes them to the Jerusalem dead letter office, where they wait for the end of time next to the chocolate chip cookies the Corinthians sent St. Paul.

-Mr. Silverback- Remember the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not cite THE RAGE (tm) in vain.

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

In Flander's field the poppies blow
By a cross and fence rail row,
  That marks Wilson's place; and in the sky
  The Flanders, still bravely singing, fly
Up to heaven and not below.

Wilson is Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
  Loved and were loved, and now he lies,
            In Flander's field.

Tim Taylor took the quarrel with the foe:
To him from failing hands Wilson throw
  The Ark; but Taylor blew it high.
  And caused the Flanders to also die
Now Wilson sleeps, as the poppies grow
            In Flanders fields.

- Terpman

#1) Flanders is BUFF. Remember when he played "Stan" in "A Steetcar Named Desire" with Marge? Even when she was in an adrenaline filled Rage(tm), he was able to manhandle her (and she had a weapon!). Wilson's just a fat old buffoon. Sure, he'll be able to tell you all about weight training, how it could enable you to win a fight, and maybe he'll even quote "Muscle and Fitness," but he OBVIOUSLY doesn't know what it means.

#2) Flanders has experience fighting...and I know he'll kick butt for a righteous cause. Remember, when he was a child, he was a terror, a class bully, and even though he's had those feeling repressed (a la "A Clockwork Orange"), I think this is an important enough event that he would break his training. When Wilson was a child, he probably sat in the back and ate paste, pretending it was peyote, and then smear his face in Ho-Ho's. And sure, he may be able to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin or Goldberg, but his threats are empty because he simply doesn't believe what he is saying in his heart.

#3) Perseverance. Flanders got it, Wilson don't. Even if Flanders lost, he'd be back at Wilson's door daily, "Hey there, neighboroonie, can I check out those tablets? That'd be neat-a-riffic!" If Wilson slammed the door on him daily, he'd be back (think of all those religious freaks who come to your own door--no how many times you tell them to take a leap, they come back. (Hmmm...maybe they're taking it as a "Leap of Faith" when I mean "Leap to Violent Death." Mental note, be more explicit when talking to religious people at door...but oh, I digress). I think Wilson has the ability to endure Ned's nagging, but eventually he will succumb because he's a loser.

#4) Flanders has proven divine intervention (his house was saved from fire, God saved Rod when he was floating down the river). What has God ever done for Wilson to save him from Tim Taylor? Nothing. Like God is going to trust a heathen like Wilson with His Word. Bah! Better chance of Keith Richards staying clean & sober at a party thrown by Drew Barrymore.

Flanders easily smites Wilson in 5.

- Three

Flanders

Lovejoy

Now Ne-yud, listen to me very carrre-fully: Go over to Wilson's ... and thoroughly FUCK HIM OVER!

Flanders

Lovejoy

Then, once the Ark is yours, I want you to buy as many guns as you can afford, nail your house shut, and disconnect your phone. Don't let anyone live who speaks to you, not even "hello". Assume everone is trying to steal it from you.

Flanders

Lovejoy

Get it, disconnect your phone, and don't you or your family talk to anyone ever again! Go now, Ned, before Wilson carries the Ark away!

(Hanging up) That should buy me a week's peace.

One week later: Janet Reno kicks in the front door to the Flander's Family Home. After the flames are doused, and the smoke clears, she is horrified to find the charred remains of one adult male, 16 adult women, 28 children, and the head of Flander's neighbor, Wilson, stuffed and mounted over his fireplace.

- Michael Leung

- Scotty

- Trevor "Flwyd" Stone

- the Stranger

If Wilson does this, there's still a WHOLE LOT of target area (sorry, he IS a bit over weight). Flanders though, is a cartoon. As that guy on the halloween episode of the Simpsons pointed out, the third dimension does not exist in their universe. So all Flanders has to do is turn sideways while fighting, and not only there be almost ZERO target area, but he'll be practically invisible! When was the last time you tried to fight something with the thickness of a sheet of paper?

- Shadowknight

- Mary :)

Furthermore, I know for a fact that Wilson spent time among Masai Warriors (as evidenced in the episode where he performs the African dance at a night club) where he learned the use of both a shield and spear. Flanders is uneducated in the use of ay weapon with the possible exception of holy water. He even fainted when he killed a plant, for cryin' out loud. He doesn't stand a chance. Finally, Wilson has one last thing going for him: his accumulated skills over the years have provided him with skills comparable to Macgyver (who has a proven track record). I'm sure Wilson could not only make grenades out of pinecones, a grenade launcher and a riot shield. Hidey-ho.

- Wheeljack

- Shem

Wilson is perpetually trapped in a bubble in space where the same story is re-enacted once a week only with different specifics, different details. Think about it. Have you ever seen an episode of Home Improvement where the plot was NOT as follows: Tim is going to get into trouble by doing a certain thing. Jill says "You better not do that thing you're going to do to get into trouble." Tim is all "I'm smarter than Jill. I'm going to do this thing that will get me into trouble." Then he does it. And he gets into trouble. And Jill gets mad at him. So Tim goes to Wilson who gives him a long, deep, philosophical bit of wisdom about how to get OUT of trouble. Tim returns to Jill, misquotes Wilson completely, but Jill is touched by the fact that he is apologizing anyway and the moral of that episode is revealed. The end. AUUGGGGH!! Oh yeah, and somewhere in there J.T.T. makes a smart-ass comment about how Tim has particle board glued to his crotch. That show makes my ears bleed.

My point, and I DO have one, is this: Wilson will not be able to function outside of that plot framework. I'm surprised he was able to get through the bit of dialogue you guys wrote for him in the scenario. He'll constantly be trying to go through the motions of EVERY SINGLE HOME IMPROVEMENT EPISODE. It's the only thing he knows. He'll ask Flanders why Jill is mad at him while standing there, defenseless, barbecuing Kalamari on his home-made hibachi grill. He'll open his mouth to quote famous Christian existentialist Soren Kierkegaard but before he can get out a word, Flanders will jam a razor sharp pair of left-handed hedge-clippers up his sinus cavity. Without Wilson to hand out yet another trite bit of wisdom, the Home Improvement Plot Bubble will collapse into itself, creating a tremendous black hole in the T.V. universe. Oceans will rise, cities will fall, hope will survive,(sorry). In the end, Flanders will find himself floating through an infinity of empty space, clutching the Ark of the Covenant, trapped in the limbo-universe created by the black hole. At home, the rest of us will have to be content to watch test patterns or static.

Maybe we'll go read a book.

Or maybe we'll go on the internet and spend hours writing about obscure characters from our favorite prime-time television shows, instead. T.V. es muy bueno.

- I.C. Sedablineman

Observe: Flander's has displayed the acrobatic ability (somersaulting out the of the burning Simpson house, bouncing off a matress, and landing back inside through a hole in the window... let's see Kerri Strug do that, ankle or no ankle), the strength (CARRYING *Homer Simpson* out of said fire), the physique (ever see him tear off his shirt? He's cut like a 10 carat diamond. Or Groundskeeper Willie for that matter.), and the backup (IE: every time Flanders says a prayer, the Big Guy drops whatever he's doing; Wilson will be lucky if all he gets is a tree dropped on him.)

Therefore, all Flanders has to do is 1) vault over the fence, 2) grab the tablets, 3) carry them home, and finally, 4) dash off a quick "Methodist Memo" to the Man Upstairs to 'smite our enemies.' No muss, no fuss, no sin. Flanders in less time than it takes for Wilson's ex-neighbor to violate parole.

- Cody Ackbare

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? NED FLANDERS BE DA' MA-DIDDLY-AN!

...Ned Flanders, a guy(or demon, or holiest being alive, im not sure) who at the same time reigns over hell, and is god's chosen prophet...... A being who is simultaniously the lord of the abyss, and yet wears a piece of the true cross, and carry's out baptisms......whos powers are only matched by the force of nature known as Homer J. Simpson.....(the only being capible of thwarting his evil machinations)........

I mean this one would be over when they announce titles...... IN this corner hailing from The 7th level of Tartarus, by ways of Springfield.....Ned, al Shaitan,one known as the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is Called Dragon, Prince of the World, Father of Lies, Lord of Darkness(the preceeding borrowed with ALL DUE RESPECT from Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman), Lord of the Flies, Destroyer of Worlds, Programmer of Network TV, Sire of Joel Schumacher............. and his opponent, Hailing from Next door.......Wilson....?......kinda lacks the same punch..... .........the bell rings, Wilson is enveloped by either a plauge of flesh eating insects, or surrounded by Rod, Todd, and Maude singing revival songs.......either way, he is destroyed.......

hell, it was no contest......now if it was Flanders vs. Cuthulu.......now THAT would be interesting.....

- Amish Commando

A few hellos and surprises later, it would be found that Dad Mitchell (who's first name I don't remember, and who's last name I'm not all too sure about) was relocated to Springfield, USA in order to continue his secretly-funded behaviorial weaponry research (carefully disguised as whatever it is he does in that office all day.) Of course, things might have seemed somewhat fishy for one man to have 8 entire U-Hauls(tm) full of belongings, so "Mrs. Mitchell" made the trip with him.

Since, at this point, the Mitchell's cover story is taken in hook, line, and sinker (mostly due to Wilson's previous neighborship with the Mitchell's), the actual fight really doesn't matter. (I'm sure other Grudgie responses will sate your curiosity.) You should know by now that wherever Mr. Wilson goes, so will follow Dennis Mitchell(?) a.k.a. Dennis The Menace.

That's right. Dennis the Menace. Who, unlike fellow holy terrors, Bart (who simply destroys everything, much akin to Godzilla, leaving nothing in his wake) and Calvin (who incites a blind panic in his victims, letting them do all the destruction for him, while he kicks back and eats ice cream), Dennis leaves everything in perfect working order by drawing his victims to a complete mental shutdown: "I really ought to take him over my knee, but MR. MITCHELL WILL COME AFTER ME! But Dennis is annoying, rude, and undisciplined! But I saw all those guys in black trenchcoats visiting the Mitchell place last night! (etc etc.)"

After the still standing, heavily concentrating, barely breathing citizens of the city are collected and placed into a "Really Realistic Wax Museum", the city of Springfield, USA is peacefully taken over by That One Villian From Scooby Doo(tm), who made a mint off That One Caper(tm) before he got caught by Those Meddling Kids (tm), broke out of Jail(tm), and funded the Mitchell Project(tm) in an effort to be recognized as a World Power(tm).

There you have it. BTW, Where'd you guys get that Dalai Lama reference from? I don't remember any of that.

Wait... you mean the Wilson from that stupid 'tool time' show?

Oh. Uh... skip all that stuff then. Both Mangled and Killed(tm).

- Mighty Florist

- Shaft (Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!)

"Okie-diddley-okie, but I don't know if we've got enough to spread among this good-gravily-growing crowd of neighborinos."

Indeed, the spectators of the Malarky for the Arky grew to include many other sitcom neighbors, all of whom recently relocated to Springfiend for tax shelters or evasion from competant police forces.

"Ned, because of Homer's unfortunate tendency to angrily sit on things he doesn't immediately understand, the tablets have further broken neatly into ten pieces, one for each sacred no-no. I propose we distribute the tablets on the basis of who needs each rule the most."

"Dang-o-jeez-oh-goldung me, I guess that's the Christian-diddlie- istian thing to do." The divying begins.

"Thou shalt have no gods before me" goes to Grandma Huffnagel, the oft-mentioned neighbor of Mr. Belvedere. Brice Beckingham, the kid who played Wesley, in accordance with widespread and therefore true rumor, is now Marilyn Manson. (This same rumor can be modified so the Small Wonder kid is now Billy Corgin.) Marilyn Manson will worship anything pastors in Oklahoma won't, so whatever the hell Grandma taught Wesley during his formulative years needs a big rock from Yahweh to get through her unseen head.

"Thou shalt not carve graven images" gets taken by Wilson himself. He's bound to have made his own Polynesian fertility gods or Visigothian wood nymphs at some time.

"Do not use the Lord's name in vain" goes to Sha'ne'ne. Most of what she says in incomprehensible, but sheer times a five second "Daaaaamn!" echoed off her door gives her reason for her tablet chunk.

"Observe the sabbath" goes to the Jeffersons, Archie Bunker's former neighbors. After moving up to the east siiiiiiide, they've sold out and now do the voices of beagles for Lucky Dog. Selling such cheap clear long distance hours on Sundays (Lucky Dog: make checks payable to the Kilgore Trout Legal Defense Fund) will undoubtedly drive many loyal churchgoers to call their loved ones and maintain friendships instead of listening to quotations from the books of Ecclesiasticus and Maccabees like good Christians should.

"Honor thy father and mother" goes to Flanders, natch. He's publicly admitted he's hated his beatnik parents, whereupon the mental hospital docs promptly gave him the SANE stamp and sent his insurance a $7,000 bill for two days of treatment.

"Thou shalt not kill" goes to Edie McClurg, Mrs. Poole herself. Although she's never physically murdered someone, how many of us know someone who killed themselves who explicitly mentioned the Hogan Family in their suicide notes? All too many, I beleive.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" goes to the Brits from Mad About You. Anyone notice that during their first appearance the unsubpressibly snooty Paxton Whitehead played the guy Brit, but some other redcoat was substituted for subsequent appearances? What does that Brit lady have going in there, a rotating English husband whorehouse?

"Thou shalt not steal" goes to Jefferson Darcy, Al Bundy's fellow NO'MAAM cofounder. Jefferson has a history of stealing, whether it was through shady land deals or just lifting Al's wallet. He took Marcy away from Steve, money away from Marcy on a regular basis, and his hair from JM J Bullock. And on top of all those, he stole the Jeffersons' last name for his first name!

"Thou shalt not lie" goes right to Mr. Hand from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Every single week, he said "Knock knock!" loudly and pointedly. When Pee-Wee said "Who's there?", Did Hand ever once say "Mr. Hand"? Never! It was always "Boo" or "Banana" or "Little old Lady." Lying phlangie bastard.

Last but not least, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods" goes to Mr. and Mrs. Auckmanich. Alf was constantly being hidden from them, not for security reasons, but just because the Tannens knew the Auckmanich's would want a tan warty nosed Ewok who always stood behind a couch or kitchen counter.

After the Ark is now empty (except for that wrath of God stuff, which doesn't work in Springfield since Pope Paul VI declared the city beyond God's help) Flanders looks at Wilson. "Well sir, I do belive we've solved that dilemma-renna. What say we goes down to my rumpus room and watch the 700 Club? My cable can pick it from 75 different broadcast zones."

"Sorry, newfound compadre," Wilson said, "but Kali requires a blood sacrifice." He then beats Flanders until dead with the second commandment. Wilson goes into the ritual Thuggee sacrifice dance in accordance to one of his graven idols, accompanied by Homer, who dances around Flander's body for unrelated reasons.

- Kilgore Trout

- Infrared35

- Anthony "Goatboy" Goats

Far from the sniveling "love-thy- neighbor-God-is-a-just-and-kind- creator" culture that has produced Flanders (ala New Testament), the God of the Old Testament was always smiting the living hell out of people... not "people" as in "individuals," but rather "people" as in "entire cities/ races/cultures." Smiting here, smiting there- you can't heave a brick in the Old Testament without hitting a pillar of salt that used to be somebody.

Surely this shift in paradigm would prevent Flanders from bringing his religious fervour to full steam, and would render him powerless. Wilson would simply remove one slat from the tall fence he is naturally standing behind and impale the floundering Flanders, in full view of his wife and children, no less.

As Flander's fading voice issues its final "diddley-do," his bleeding corpse would immediately be set upon by neighborhood dogs, necessitating a closed-casket service when enough of him is found to FILL a casket.

Now THAT'S an Old Testament "smiting" if I've ever heard of one. Need I mention, by the way, that there is a province in France named Flanders? No, I don't think I do.

- Bill Lindich

I just got back from the WWWF Tower parking garage, where Brian assumed the role of Ned Flanders (because both are proud Geo owners). Playing the role of Wilson, I stood in the path of Brian's teal-colored Geo. After a half hour of warm-up laps, Brian managed to get his <snicker> car <snicker> up to a blistering 50 mph and drove straight into me. I now have a bruise on my right thigh where Brian's "car" bounced off me only to get totaled by my hot pink bean bag chair (to the tune of $19,500 of body work)... Flanders barely managed to outrun Homer in his Geo, so I seriously doubt he will be able to knock down Wilson's fence, much less inflict the feeble bruise I got from Brian. Worse yet, is the irrefutable law of Simpson's physics whereby any car impacting an immovable surface must blow up.

Net result? Wilson taunts Flanders, who then drives into the fence and dies from the resulting explosion. Wilson claims the 10 commandments and teaches Maude Flanders all about the Kama Sutra...

- HotBranch!

Editors' note: WWWF, Ground Zero, and their subsidiaries do NOT condone running into people or objects with vehicles of any sort. We are trained professionals, please do not try this at home.

Editor's note #2: Nor do we condone doing the Kama Sutra with cartoon characters, even though Maude Flanders is a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight?

Here's a comparison:

Flanders:
-religious fanatic
-psychotic tendancies
-puts up with homer, bart AND his kids
-was hit on head with a couch, just rubbed his head (MAJOR no-sell)
-he's got back up, his football player buddies
-on the negative, he has to abide by god's law, love thy neighbor.

Wilson:
-constantly hiding his face, cowardace
-obviously weak if he's done nothing but read for his whole life
-puts up with Tim Taylor, a freindly, yet clumsy man
-psychotic tendancies as well (he eats squirrils)
-may be buddist, also has religious non-voilence to abide by..

My Pick: Flanders after they decide not to fight and challenge each other to a debate over whether god exists, Rev. Lovejoy moderates, with an obvious prejudice, Lovejoy declares Flander the winner and holder of the ark.

-

As Wilson is protected behind his fence, he won't have anything to worry about. Flanders however, being the one who opened the Ark and bereft of such precaution, is toast. He has time to do that "AAAAIIIEEEEEE" girly-man scream before his skin boils into fluid and blood pours out of what was once his eyes as he becomes a puddle on the lawn. The lid of the Ark lifts into the heavens and then slams back over the chest.

As Wilson is putting the Ark on his handtruck, Nelson Muntz points at what's left of Flanders (mainly his glasses and some ashes) and laughs "Ha-Ha!"

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight "Mommy, how did Noah fit all those animals into that one little Ark of the Covenant?"

Wilson: Ahem! My name is Wilson. I've come to collect the tablets of the Decalogue. (uncomprehending stare from Chief Wiggum, who is eating a donut) Er, the *Ten*Commandments*. I claim them as victor in single combat with Ned Flanders.

Chief Wiggum: Ah, sure, mac. Just got to see some proof of your identity.

Wilson: (flustered) Er, of course. (fumbles with huge wallet) Driver's license? Social security card? Library card? Triple-A? Columbia Record Club?

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. None of these have got your picture on them--except the driver's license, and you're hidin' behind a bush in THAT one.

Wilson: Call Mr. Tim Taylor--or his wife Jill. They can identify me. (pause while Wiggum makes a phone call) Well?

Chief Wiggum: He says he's never actually SEEN your face--but he can identify your HAT. (squints at Wilson) Not good enough. (notices line forming behind Wilson) C'mon, Mac, you're holding up the line.

Wilson: B-b-but, my name is WILSON, I tell you! (He turns around to face the other people in line.) Daffy Duck! Tony Bennett! Linda Evangelista! Tell him who I am!

Duck, Bennett, and Evangelista: (together) We've never seen him before!

Chief Wiggum: Just as I thought! Another crackpot pretending to be a sitcom character! (motions to his men) Take him away, boys!

Wilson: (being dragged out the main doors, and finally losing it) You can't do this to me! I'm CHARLES FOSTER WILSON!

***Epilogue*** While Wilson is being given the Rodney King Experience by the Springfield Police, Flanders dies of malpractice at the hands of Nick Riviera. When last seen, the tablets of the Decalogue were being used as a beer tray by Homer Simpson. (drops it on his foot--"D'oh! Lousy Ten Commandments!")

I buried Flanders.

- Deacon

In honour of his victory, and in remembrance of poor Ned, he steals a page from the Canadian remembrance day, and composes a quick poem:

In Flanders' face
my fists did fly
left one, right one
I made him cry.

And now we mourn
the one called Neddy
A shame he wasn't
a bit more ready.

Friends of Wilson's (others who have never been seen, either) such as Maris (Frasier), Vera (Cheers), and Carlton your doorman (Rhoda) join him in the gala opening of his religious artifact museum.

Unfortunately, Tim Taylor's souped-up jackhammer escapes his grip, crosses into Wilson's yard, and reduces the Tablets to rubble. Instead of Wilson, Tim is forced to turn to Jonathon Taylor Thomas for advice. Several corpses later, it's back to prison for Timmy!

- 1/2 Nelson

While Wilson's keen eyes glint from behind the fence, Ned Flanders sufferes from a moral dillema.

"Oh, this would be such a great a-diddly-dition to the collection, but... Love thy neighbor! Think, Neddy, think..."

"You can't let him have it, Ned!" screames Maude. "If 'love thy neighbor' is your concern, remember we were the Simpson's neighbors first! It's ours, Ned!"

Suddenly, without warning, a cordless electric drill comes flying over the fence-- and hits Ned Flanders on his head, knocking him over and causing his glasses to fly off his head!

Rod runs over to his wounded father, screaming and crying, as Wilson, wide eyed, murmurs to himself, "Oh, man.. what've I done?! That was Tim's! I gotta return it!"

But it's too late. Maude Flanders is... on her knees, praying! What'll happen now? Is she praying for her husband.. or for.. what? < p> Ned Flanders, blinded, is panicking as he feels for his glasses, while his son Todd is frightened and angry. Soon he starts screaming at the pair of eyes that is Wilson! Rod screams "Todd! Don't," as he quietly shows his brother.. the tablets that had started the rivalry. The two boys quietly sneak inside with their prize.

Wilson still lamenting over the broken drill, Maude near concluding her prayer, and Ned having found his glasses, the three do not notice the boys sneaking away, until Ned's glasses finally find their place on Ned's face. Ned soon notices the tablets are gone, and he speaks, "What in the sam hill-diddly-ill..?"

Wilson realizes what happens, and cries "They're gone!" Ned looks at his wife, and says "Maude, you little sugar-dilly-dumplin'! I bet you told the Good Lord to have the wind blow them away, din'tya? Well, neighbor," he says to Wilson, "looks like we tied fair 'n' square!"

"I guess so," says Wilson. "Put 'er there, pal. Hope the drill didn't hurtcha."

"Dontcha worry 'bout this old noggin, neighbor." The two hands extend simultaneously, as Maude screams "Wait, Ned! That's not what I-"

As the neighbors shake hands, a streak of lightning zipps from the sky- intended for Wilson. However, as the two are making contact, the lightning strikes them both.

- Kate the Great

1) The enemy's last name is Wilson. He is clearly related to "Dennis The Menace's" Mr. Wilson; a frustrated and arterioscerotic retiree noted mainly for constantly having had his every moment of peace or joy ruined by the antics of a SIX YEAR-OLD BOY. And this went on for decades! Not a single act of definitive retailiation! This is not exactly fighting stock here, kids.

2) Neddy-boy does indeed have the Rage(tm) buried within him. Recall the "clock-tower shooting dream sequence", where we learn that Flanders' inner fury is so strong that not only does he, deep down, WANT to commit violent acts of cruel mayhem, but he's wild enough to commit them repeatedly against the SAME PERSON. We're talking Spanish Inquisition Vice-President level Rage here, folks!

3) Lest anyone doubt that Flanders has the physical capability to hammer Wilson into cheese-flavored dog food, I call your attention to the "Oh, Streetcar!" episode, which featured Ned's performance as Stanley Kowalski. It is revealed, quite literally, that our so-called Mr. Meek-and-Mild has the physique of a Navy SEAL on steroids. This further borne out by the "Ren-Fair" episode, which begins with Ned outfitted in full plate armor, doing battle with a huge two-handed mace! Now, while such weapons & armor aren't nearly as cumbersome as some folks think, they're hardly light 'n' easy. And Sir Ned The Bloodthirsty crushed his foe, who was at least similarly armed and armored, with a single blow! Flanders is a wielder of the Righteous Smack(tm), and woe betide the infidel! If Wilson thinks that hiding behind a cheap wooden fence can stand against such martial prowess...well, he can reconsider his folly while waiting for his bones to knit, assuming Flanders opts not to send the poor dope on to Judgement(tm).

4-100) All this pales, however, in comparison to our final point. Flanders possesses in fact what every televangelist claims to have: A DIRECT LINE TO GOD HIMSELF!!! Think back to the "Film Festival" episode, where Ned rattles off a quick prayer for help; said prayer is immediately answered by a series of Divine Interventions(tm)! When Saint Ned offers his thanks to the Almighty, God actually PHYSICALLY MANIFESTS HIMSELF! And we're wondering whether Flanders can overcome a man so wimpy he can't stand up properly to Tim Allen?! We're talking the proverbial Terrible Swift Sword here, mes amis! Ned need do no more than scowl at Wilson and the Lord God of Hosts will be there in fine Old Testament fashion, Intervening(tm) at a rate that will make the Twelve Plagues look like Disneyland! The family Flanders, meanwhile, will have secured the disputed tablets, refurbished the Ark in the basement workshop, and all driven out to Mt. Springfield for a picnic and sing-along while they watch the rain of holy destruction falling upon the poor heathen and all he holds dear. In the end, Wilson loses the tablets, his property, his life, and probably ends up sentenced to eternal damn-diddily-ation to boot!

- Peloquin

You see, Lucky is actually a Muslim. Have you ever noticed how two of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms can be used to fom the symbol of Islam? Yes, the moon and the star can be arranged to create the holy symbol of the Muslim faith (Yes, I know they've been discontinued and the moons are now blue). This shows us that Lucky is an Islamic extremist bent on world domination through subliminal messages implanted in his breakfast cereal- why do you think Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world? You may not yet see what this has to do with the match. Well, let me tell you.

You see, we don't quite know what god Wislon prays to. We DO, however, know what god Flanders prays to. Flanders, as you know unless you've been living inside the folds of Marlon Brando's fat, is an extremist Christian. Now, since the Middle Ages theMuslims have been waiting to get revenge on the Christians for going and hacking a bunch of their ancestors to bits during The Crusades. Lucky, being a Muslim extremist, will naturally want to take out a Christian extremist like Flanders. To top it all off, Lucky also has ties to the IRA. Using both of his ties and tendencies, Lucky can blow Flanders up without blowing imself up!

Lucky will simply have some of his IRA buddies get Wilson out of the way (following the philosophy of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend") and then proceed to shoot Flanders a couple hundred times before strapping dynamite to his chest and blowing him into little holy bits. Flanders, of course, will pull out the Holy Hand Grenade, pull the pin, and count to five- (Three, sir!) three- and throw it at the IRA men with his dying few breaths, taking them out. Still, chalk up a win for Islam AND the IRA, because they've managed to get rid of another filthy protestant (no, Flanders isn't Catholic- trust me).

- Nick Zachariasen

PLAGUE 1: Flanders, being the religious man that he is, will want to visit Wilson's house three times a day to see the Ark. At first it will only be Ned and family but then he will be bringing relatives, other church members, his Jewish friends, etc. Wilson will see this as the perfect opportunity to finally share with others his lifetime of adventures. This joy will wear off quickly when those visitors show only a passing interest in everything except the Ark. Wilson throws everyone out.

PLAGUE 2: Not to be denied, Flanders starts a vigil outside of Wilson's home, attracting thousands of believers from all across the area. The light from all the candles causes some of his exotic plants to die and the rather lame Christian music makes Wilson wish that the "Arky, Arky, Arky" went straight to the bottom. Wilson gets a court order to get them away from his property.

PLAGUE 3: Unable to access this most sacred object, now tens of thousands of worshippers picket Wilson's home from across the street. Bart Simpson makes a killing selling novelty signs such as "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Covenant" and "Kiss My Assyria."

PLAGUE 4: Flanders alerts the media and they quickly outnumber the protesters, which are now in the hundreds of thousands and have to work in shifts to give everyone a chance. The reporters pry into every aspect of his life. MSNBC gets exclusive footage of Wilson taking a crap in his upstairs bathroom while Sam Donaldson, Cokie Roberts and Barbara Wawa are accidentally electrocuted attempting to interview Tim Taylor (and there was much rejoicing).

PLAGUE 5: The Christian Coalition and Jewish Anti-Defamation League join forces and offer to buy the Ark. When that doesn't work, they call in the lawyers. Dump trucks are needed to bring in the legal briefs. President Clinton calls Wilson to offer his help against the "Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy(tm)" but is refused since Wilson doesn't watch TV and thus thinks Truman is still in the White House.

PLAGUE 6: The loonies come out of the woodwork and Wilson starts getting death threats, 90% of them coming from someone identified as "I.P. Daily." He also gets several marriage proposals and since he is a little crazy by now, he sends for one of the brides to be. The wedding is quickly off once he discover Bertha Mae has no teeth, weighs 563 pounds and has a vocabulary of eight words.

PLAGUE 7: In a daring midnight operation, the MOSSAD attempts to liberate the Ark but accidentally raids the Simpsons' place instead and are captured by a rabid Homer who believes they are after his beer. Jimmy Carter is accidentally sent to Wilson's house to negotiate their release. Wilson can't sleep for days trying to understand what "sinned in my heart" means.

PLAGUE 8: Frogs, locusts, insects and Jehovah Witnesses invade his house, covering and destroying everything except the Ark. Wilson's homemade varmint repellent fails when all the water in his house is turned to blood.

PLAGUE 9: The ATF is called in and attempts to drive Wilson out by blaring a live concert with Vanilla Ice, Hanson, Billy Ray Cyrus, the Spice Girls, William Shatner and Yoko Ono. Wilson suffers for about fifteen minutes before the stage is hit with lightning. About 300 times.

PLAGUE 10: Tim Taylor visits his former neighbor. Only Tim and the Ark survive.

The Ark of the Covenant is in Jerusalem by the end of the week.

- Paul G.

THE FINAL WORD...™

"You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!"

-Homer J. Simpson

This feeling was reiterated in several responses. - Eds.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bob Vila v. Tim Taylor
Homer v. Norm
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches™

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