Today on the Jenny Jones show: Talk Show Hosts and the fans who love them. And now, heeeeeeeeeere's Jenny!
Jenny Jones comes out to a smattering of applause. "Hi, and welcome to 'Your talk show is phat, but his is all of that!' ". Our first guest is Paul from Montreal. Many of you will remember him from his last appearance on our show, in 'My Grudge Match Commentator Dresses too Sexy'. Paul, tell us about the thing you have for a certain special someone... or should I say, "some-two"?
The audience goes "ooooooh!". The bespectacled and begoateed Canadian takes the stage mike and says "Yes, Jenny, I have to admit that I am absolutely captivated by two talk show hosts. The first one is Jerry Springer...". The audience applauds loudly, and chants of "Jerry, Jerry" are heard. "But," continues Paul, "I also love to turn on the television and watch Geraldo Rivera...". The screams and woofing from the audience are deafening.
"And today you want to give them both a special message, isn't that right?" asks Jenny. "Let's bring them both out!"
But Paul never gets a chance to deliver his message. From opposite sides of the stage, Jerry Springer and Geraldo Rivera rush at one another. Both hurl metal chairs at each other, which meet at center stage, carom off from their intended trajectory, and decapitate Jenny Jones. It looks like the fight for audience supremacy is on, and this time it's personal!
So, Brendan, which syndicated sleaze-show star succeeds in slaughtering his simulacrum?
BRENDAN: I, of course, deny having ever watched either of these shows and maintain for now and forever that even though it might seem like I have watched them, any information I have about them is based solely upon detailed descriptions of them given to me by my sister and not upon me actually doing something as crass and brain rotting as watching these shows myself. Now with that out of the way, Jerry is going to win.
Geraldo Rivera was a product of the 1980s. Jerry Springer, a product of the 1990s. Lets do a quick compairison of the two decades:
As we can see, the 80s were comparitively a happy, simple time where the word damn was too hot for TV and Shelley Long was considered a babe. It was before the dark times, before 90210. And as such, Geraldo, as a man of the 80s, can not possibly hope to reach the levels of depravity and degeneracy needed to win this battle. To win a fight like this you need to be able to reach depths of depravity so diabolical that even a tobacco company executive would recoil in horror. Only a man of the 90s could hope to be that devoid of basic human decency, and there is no one who is more a man of the 90s than Jerry Springer. Springer's past record shows just how tough he is. The man punched Dr. Evil, the head of a world wide evil organization with aspirations of global domination, in the stomach. He's gone toe to toe with Kang, an alien who has at least twice conquered the Earth. He survived being kidnapped by Al Bundy and the boys of No MAAM. He has repeatedly defeated the greatest talk show host of them all, Dick Dietrick. And if all that wasn't enough, he also has survived living in Cincinnati.
Geraldo will be back to digging around in garbage while Jerry is giving his final thought on how it's the children that suffer in Nazi lesbian love triangles.
JOHN: I just finished watching Ringmaster in preparation for this match. The things I won't do for the Grudge Match fans. Anyways, Jerry Springer wrote and produced this movie about his life, and basically it was all about him getting pushed around by all these hyperkinetic inbred guests. I mean, what does it tell you about this guy that he was given carte blanche to write a movie about himself and it came out so goddam boring and depressing? (By contrast, here's an excerpt from the forthcoming John Hnatyshyn movie: "Hello, Famke Janssen and Gena Gershon. Thank you for all the cocaine and firearms. They really helped me lead my team to the Stanley Cup. Now let's go have sex with all these porn stars.")
Clearly, this fight goes to seminal fight-show host Geraldo Rivera. The axiom "never bet on the white guy in a fight" is never so true as here: Geraldo will savage Springer, and then nail his wife, which is just the logical extension of what he was doing in the '80s anyways (ref. Geraldo's autobiography "Exposing Myself" pages 1-infinity). Geraldo has also had experience with beating people up, from ABC News anchorman Roger Grimsby to Bryant Gumbel. Hell, a Geraldo-Frank Stallone boxing match was the undercard to a Lesbian Oil Wrestling match on the Stern show. By contrast, the best Brendan can come up with to argue for Jerry's toughness is that he lived in Cincinnati. Boy, that sure works wonders for the Bengals.
Finally, your ridiculous comparison of the '80s and '90s overlooks one key element: the '80s was the Mr. T decade. I commiserate with or empathize for the dupe, cretin, or feeblemind who forgets this (or something to that effect). Geraldo will weld together a makeshift battle tank with his microphone and some hair extensions from the audience to defeat Jerry. Oh, and by the way, Kang and Kodos were defeated by a board with a nail in it.
In this instance, Springer's final thoughts will indeed be his final thoughts.
BRENDAN: Got to ask John, are you sure you're Canadian and not a Floridian, because I can see no other explanation for how you could get so many things wrong. I'm going to have to list them all out just to keep track of them.
JOHN: Laetitia Casta? Hmm. I can imagine what the Brendan W. Guy movie would be like: ("Before I am hunted down and ritualistically slaughtered by Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee, I'd like to take my few remaining moments on earth to once again lose a Grudge Match in spectacular fashion to Thinkmaster. If there's any time left over, I'll curl up with my copy of 'Barely Legal' ".) Direct-to-video.
If there was any doubt that your arguments about the Brooklyn-born, half-Jewish (mother's name: Lillian Friedman) Geraldo are specious, your sad harangue about Mr. T. proves it. First, you speak ill of The Rage, then you blashpheme the icon of the Grudge. What's next, Brendan? Would you have Grudge Matches determined by consensus or binding arbitration? Would you throw out the electrified steel cage match in favour of sensitivity training? No, sir! If there's anything that the Grudge Match and Mr. T stand for it's for parcelling out sweet and just violence, one supertanker full of ass-whoopin' at a time! That's as true today as it was in the 1980s, when Mr. T was on the A-team, and the first Grudge Matches could be found on Colecovision cartridges.
And yes, Geraldo took a chair to the noggin, but at least when the chair was thrown, he was in the fray! When a fight breaks out on the Springer show, where is Jerry? Hiding behind thirty rows of the studio audience, that's where! If it wasn't for Steve the security guard, Jerry would have been mowed down by one of the guests on "Help! My plus-sized lover is cheating on me!". Geraldo was the innovator of talk-show sleaze, and solidified this reputation in the 1990s by openly pimping for Clinton on his MSNBC show. Springer is nothing but a pale, pale imitation. If it's a question of who's the sleaziest of the two talk show hosts, Geraldo can get down in the gutter faster and harder than anyone. And incidentally, the gutter is exactly where they'll find Springer's battered corpse lying the following day.
Thanks to Kai Yen, Mike LaBarge, IceBeast9, garden70, and
At first it seems as if Jerry's got the best talent backing him up. When he was Mayor of Cincinnati, baby, have you ever wondered what show was on? Yes, Jerry can call upon his old friends from WKRP in Cincinnati. One well-placed turkey on Geraldo's head and you'd think this match would be over, not to mention the horror that could ensue if Les Nessman chooses to read hog reports to him. But, unfortunately, the intervention of the WKRP gang doesn't go as planned, because their arrival sets off an invasion of Geeks (tm) trying to hit on competing sex symbols Bailey Quarters and Jennifer Marlowe. And if that's not enough of a distraction, the WKRP-ites will be thoroughly demoralized by constant irritating questions about "what are the lyrics to your closing theme song?" After trying seven times to explain that there are no lyrics, Venus will have a flashback to his Vietnam years, grab a gun from one of the rednecks in the audience and start shooting everything in sight.
The only member of WKRP who won't be distracted by any of this is Johnny Fever (who'll be just too high on certain censored substances to notice anything), and remember what he did back when Springer was mayor? He told his listeners to dump their garbage on the Mayor's front lawn! Once he pulls this trick on Springer again, the ex-Mayor will keel over from the smell of REAL trailer trash (tm), and collapse on the floor. Geraldo wins by TKO, or whatever someone who actually followed fighting would call it.
- Captain Corcoran
I voted for Springer, because at least he's honest. Sure, his show is one of the most hideous, tasteless things in the history of entertainment. He has shows with titles like "My midgets won't stop mud wrestling" and "My daughter's too damn nude!" His show is the epitome of sleaze, but at least he admits it. Jerry's sort of like the John Waters of daytime TV. Geraldo, on the other hand, is more like Ronald Reagan: He keeps expecting everyone to forget his past. Geraldo's a sleazy talk show host. Whoops, my mistake: Turns out he's a respectable news anchor. No, wait, he's a prospective mayor of Chicago. Silly me.
However, in actuality, neither one would win. For we know that, wherever more than one talk show host converges on a single show, we will find the gigantic, leering head of Larry King! After being wheeled onto the set (a la Hannibal Lecter), Larry will take over hosting duties, and procede to take calls on how to prepare Springer and Geraldo's steaming entrails. And there will be much rejoicing.
- Vermin Boy (God, did I just write that?)
I'd just like to say here that before this Grudge Match came on, I had never watched a single episode of Springer. I decided to watch one entire bloody episode, and I still have a headache pounding in my head from watching that much stupidity on TV. Thanks a bunch. I hope you guys get warts.
- Boba Foot - who just realized the Grudge Match ain't going to pay for his aspirin
Yes My God, this is frightening. If I wore pants, I'd have to change them. As the combatants enter the 3rd round, both are bloodied and bruised. Jerry's mike lays smashed on the floor, while Geraldo's wig (yeah, you heard me, no man has hair stay the same position for the better part of two decades (except Jimmy Johnson, but that's another story)) has long been flung out into the audience, where it was seized by an unidentified overweight woman and sold for $3.25 on Ebay. The two men lay behind improvised shelters of Chairs For Throwin' and the carcasses of people who weigh 900 lbs. "You know, Jerry," the now shiny-pated has-been says. "You and I are very much alike." "How so, Geraldo?" the 8th wonder of the world replies, dodging the shrapnel from a Family Dinner Gone Terribly Wrong. "Well, obviously, our ability to find only the lowest forms of trailer trash, freaks, and extremists and exhibit them for all to see is a common bond", the Hispanic Host says as the Lesbian Midget Stripper Brigade flys over his head. "Truly spoken, old friend," speaks the Crown Prince of Some Media, as a "Let's Bring That Person Out!" Surprise Same Sex Lover screams in terror as the Loud and Proud Ghetto Trash unleashes a frenzied barrage of Mmm-Hmms!. "What are you getting at?" "Well, Jerry, I'm suggesting a team-up." Meanwhile, the dust settles over the accidental matching of the Transvestite Hooker Mothers (hey, I'm running out of s, anybody got any extras?) and the Men Who Like To Live As Babies. Jerry ponders the collaboration while the Enormously-Breasted Twin Porn Stars run shrieking from the Fat Greasy Guys Who Have No Idea How Unattractive They Really Are. "Think about it, Jerry. Your control of the masses combined with my brains... We'll be unstoppable! Soon the world will tremble at our feet! You and me, Jerry! We'll be known as Geraldo... and Springer! What do you say?" Jerry rests a moment from dodging the teeth of some of his less-dental hygiene minded guests and considers the proposition. He reaches his conclusion, and stands up. "You want my Final Thought on that, Geraldo? Well, here it is!"
****************Coroner's Recording: Subject: Geraldo Rivera. Cause of Death: Combined Aneurysm and Heart Attack brought on by viewing Man Who Cut Off His Penis Voluntarily "All right boys, send it to the incinerator" "What, the body, or the guy without a dick?" "Ah, what's the difference?"
This is basically a match between representatives of two cities. Jerry Springer, of course, is from Cincinnati and first became famous there. Geraldo, on the other hand, has mainly worked in Chicago, tracking down the empty vaults of dead gangsters. So it's really Cincinnati vs. Chicago. Now, to find out what happens when representatives of Cincinnati go up against representatives of Chicago, we need look no further than the 1919 World Series, where the White Sox took a bigger dive than Greg Louganis, allowing the pathetic Cincinnati Reds to win. So, based on that ironclad precedent, we can expect Geraldo to just stand still and let Springer bean him on the noggin with that chair. The Chicago mob gets the money from the pre-fight betting, Geraldo absconds to Canada with his share, and We the People get nothing out of it except another boring Jon Sayles film.
- I Am Not a Camera
Let's look at it logically.
Need I say more?
Jerry Springer was in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. He now has the support of Mike Myers, but not of the English Soccer Hooligans. In fact, they were so insulted by the English jokes they will storm the show and carry off the infidel to give as a trophy to the Queen.
Geraldo Rivera was in Dilbert and Bloom County. He has greater public appeal because of this. He also has the support of two previous Grudge Match champions, one of which has taken over the world (granted, Dogbert did give up this position, but only because he got bored).
Geraldo will just get Dogbert to hypnotize everyone into voting for him.
Geraldo Rivera fought on Celeberity Deathmatch(TM).....and won. Jerry Springer fought on Celeberity Deathmatch(TM).....and got ripped in half by Rosie and Oprah. Geraldo takes it. Jerry'll be too busy trying to fight as two halves to actually fight. Let's get it on!(TM)
- Katrover Swatroad
Brendan, in arguing for Jerry Springer, insulted Mr. T. At that point, I had no choice but to vote for Geraldo. What's more, while before I was nothing more than an amused observer of the battle between Devin and Brendan, I am now going to try and enlist into Devin's ever-growing army. Be prepared for enemies, Mr. Guy.
- Infraggable Krunk
In one Dilbert strip, Dogbert goes on Geraldo and claims he has nothing to talk about on live TV. Geraldo is shocked. Jerry Springer had a song written about him by Weird Al Yankovic and turned down the video because he thought the song was "too negative." Basically, these two factoids have nothing in common, and I've been stringing you along because I really want to say:
Where's the "Both killed and slaughtered" link?
- The Earl of Hardcore
HotBranch? On Jenny Jones? Confessing his unconditional love for someone ELSE on national TV? Well, whoever wins this one, boys, I think we'll be finding "Paul from Montreal's" bullet-ridden corpse two days from now.
- Charge Man - I've still got two "Bash a Commentator for Free" cards.
I wanted to vote against Brendan, seeing as he belittled the RAGE(TM), mentioned Laetitia Casta (who may be incredibly, incredibly hot, but is French, so probably smells bad), and blasphemed the almighty Mr. T.
But then John did the unthinkable. The ABSOLUTE WORST a person can do.
He added the extra "u."
And that is something I cannot stand for. It's absolutely un-American to say "favour." I cannot tolerate it. Next: to get both sides of the election debacle to concede to Nader, ridding the world of themselves and Nader's menace once and for all.
Springer in a heartbeat.
- Boden-san, voted for Gore. Wait... you say I voted for Buchanan? Dammit! That ballot was confusing! I got mixed up by the two B names on there...
People, we have been over this before - I'm a dirty, filthy foreigner, remember? - John
Geraldo Rivera got busted in the face with a chair. Jerry Springer cowers in a corner at the slightest hint violence while security rushes in to help the white trash losers who populate his show settle down. Both have proven they are no use in a physical battle, so this match won't be settled by blows unless anyone is interested in seeing the footage on next week's episode of "America's Funniest Slap-Fights."
A battle of wits wouldn't work either. Judging by Jerry Springer's show-ending "Thought(s) of the Day," and Geraldo's brilliant showing in the Al Capone's Vault debacle, I doubt these two have more than a handful of brain-cells between them. Plus Jerry Springer is a former Polititian and Geraldo a former Network Anchor. You could cut their heads off and they'd still be able to get around reasonably well.
Obviously, the only way to settle this dispute is to have the combatants respective fans battle on their behalf . . . When was the last time you heard an enraged mob chanting "Geraldo! Geraldo!"? 'nuff said.
- Don "King" Milliken
We must look at the compeditors: Geraldo: Who?? Springer: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Obviously, we all know who Jerry is. Now: Geraldo: whiny-butt guests who could solve their problems by not sniffing paint. Springer: the wildest fans you can imagine. Well, it's obvious that Jerry is well known. Too well known, in fact. Soon after the bell, a hidden figure by the name of MR. T climbs into the ring, and walks toward Springer. With a shout of "I pity the po' foo' who takes over my A-team re-runs on UPN!" , he breaks Springer's tiny neck. He then turns to Geraldo. "Who the Hell are you?" he asks. Geraldo's last words are, "I'm-", then he is silenced. The Winner: Mr. T
- The Super-Intelligent One
Has anyone ever heard the phrase "Springer the Singer?"
Ol' Jerry sang country before becoming host of the sleaziest talkshow in cable. Geraldo, on the other hand, never went THAT low!
While the tall dork from Cincinnati grabs a new chair (pushing the old lady off it), he swings it about and smashes it across Geraldo's face, Rivera won't notice the pain; his nose has been broken so many times that it just doesn't register anymore. Astonished that his attack failed, Jerry tries to summon his goons.
Unfortunately, he got the backup call wrong, and Geraldo's security arrives and restrains the tall gork, while the short gork gets his nose adjusted and taped up by a cute nurse.
Jerry is sent back to Cincinnati to do karaoke of stupid country music with Japanese businessmen, and Geraldo and "Paul from Montreal" walk off into the sunset... Waitaminnit, that's the soundstage for Baywatch!
- D-kun, a product of the 80's
My vote goes to Jerry. He has That Other Steve to do his dirty work for him, whereas Mr. T would never consent to being Geraldo's lackey. Remember what he taught us on Diff'rent Strokes, kids: "Be somebody, or be somebody's fool." So there's no help for Geraldo there. You may want to look up the Steve vs. Brian/Brian vs. Steve match for how two equally-matched presenters face off. That said, Jerry has a gang of henchmen who will partly restrain Geraldo. Not effectively enough to stop any fighting, but it will give Jerry the slightest edge.
Geraldo coughs up his life's blood to the sound of profanities being beeped out.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
I have to vote for Springer. He's obviously got superior defenses, because I have *never* seen him get injured by one of his guests, while almost everyone has heard about how Geraldo got his nose broken when one of his own guests hit him with a chair. Jerry's guests are also more violent, and a *lot* weirder, than Geraldo's, so he's probably picked up a few things about beating the living crap out of someone on national television. JER-RY! JER-RY!
- Andy the Anarchist
Geraldo V. Springer! Some folks are incompetent. I was at a total loss when the Geraldo Rivera show ended when I was young teenager. I would skip school once a week just to watch his show at 9am. If he was smart, he would have had his controversial talk show on at primetime. Unfortunately, half-assed networks like the WB did not exist to do this. ABC already had a formidable lineup on their primetime scene (MacGyver, Doogie Howser MD, etc.).
Jerry is quick to avoid conflict on his show. If anyone called him out to a fight, his bouncers would intervene. Geraldo never needed any security on his show. Guests that called him out, regularly got their asses kicked. Plus, Geraldo gets more kudos for not ever having trailer trash on his show. Having white supremacists on a show with a black civil rights spokesman is something Springer would never dare do. How many times has Geraldo had Jessica Hahn on his show....way more than Springer. Damn, he even had Dennis Rodman's first wife on there. She is a friggin babe. Springer, at best, only swings in some Grade B porn stars on occasion. Geraldo has slept with more classy women then Jerry. Geraldo has kicked peoples asses on national TV. Need I say more. To the first GERRY on TV, I give mucho props to the original bad ass. Even Phil Donahue knew he couldn't compete and generate an ass kicking on his show, so he had to quit.
Lastly, Geraldo is and always will be a true newsman. Recall the time he took cameras to KKK meetings down south. Would Jerry Springer take a camera down to the LA gang scene? Nope. Geraldo's only dissappointment was not being able to dig out Al Capone's tomb (anyone remember that TV special!). Springer has never had a TV special on a major network, though. Picture Jerry on 20/20, where Geraldo used to be. Ratings would slip even more, although they literally couldn't slip any further. Man, was that the show to watch as a young adolescent, when Geraldo was going out there, exposing folks (remember Perdue chicken, all you young adults in their 20's). Those voting for Springer on this one, watch his show too damn much, and never has seen the original G. Rivera show in its hay day on ABC. All folks would talk about was Oprah and Geraldo. Jerry would never be mentioned in the same sentence with Winfrey. I have spoken my mind. Geraldo bumrushes Springer, breaks his neck and his back, and sleeps with Jenny Jones within one hour of her show.
- Danny Boy
Its really very simple. Geraldo has vainly attempted to elevate himself to the status of "almost respectable journalist". This leaves him open to all sorts of blackmail and similar dirty tricks. Springer, with a self-declared void of conscience, not only will have no problem procuring (or manufacturing) and then using such blackmail on Geraldo, but he is impervious to it himself. Slept with a hooker? Geraldo will attempt to deny, deflect, and dodge. Springer will make it the topic of his next show. Used drugs? Geraldo will take any step to clear himself. Springer will write a book (using very small words). Caught in a 6 way biker and midget orgy? Geraldo will cry on cue and beg forgiveness. Springer will sell the rights to show it on the internet and sell the VHS tapes from a 1- 800 number. Such a man cannot be defeated.
Lookit the names, folks. A Springer is a type of Spaniel that excels at hunting and retrieving in the water. Rivera is a type of water. Their names might as well be "lawn mower" and "grass."
Cumulatively, Geraldo has taken more hits with the ugly stick and can therefore withstand the beating (or girlish flailing of the arms, as the case may be) longer. Endurance wins, a la Rocky (TM).
Tangent: Speaking of Rocky, I am reminded of the cocky, stocky Rocky, handily whupped by Clubber Lang in grade A-Team (TM) fashion. Hence, I am reminded of Mr. T. Brendan, how dare you slander our protector/enforcer? Fortunately he pities fools, so you may not be destroyed. I'd apologize, though, just in case you catch him in a foul temper.
NB: Incidentally, Mr T only "lost" that second bout because he is a brilliant actor and was simply following the script.
- Obscured Underlord
As we all know, Weird Al Yankovic is nothing short of a God. So let's ask him who's going to win. What material has he done about Jerry Springer? A 3 plus minute song parody of "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. Very good song, and it takes time to learn to sing that fast. Now, what material has he done on Geraldo? We've got about a 20 second spoof of his show on the movie UHF. So it would stand to reason that, since Al obviously devotes more attention to Jerry, Geraldo will have his microphone stuffed down his throat. But wait...Gore wants a recount. It turns out that Weird Al also wrote a song called "Talk Soup" about sleazy talk shows in general, which I believe was inspired by more than one Geraldo show - and Jerry wasn't even popular back then! So, now we've got a 3 plus minute song for each of them AND Geraldo takes the lead with his 20 second UHF spoof! So we've got Geraldo winning by...a nose! I'll slap myself for the incredibly bad "Geraldo's nose reference".
- WWAD? -- What Would Al Do?
What everyone seemed reluctant to remember about poor ole Geraldo is his special on exposing the contents of Capone's safe, and as they so eloquently described it in TITANIC, Geraldo's career never recovered ... imagine, all that hype, all the pomp and circumstance, and all the advertising dollars spent to reveal .. an empty safe ... and that's exactly what'll happen when Jerry leads his cadre of Strippers Who Moan Shakespearean Soliloquies against Geraldo - he'll huff, and he'll puff, but it'll be to no avail ... the wheel's spinning but the hamster is dead ... and once tucked comfortably into that empty safe and dumped into the ocean, we can organize a fund to have said strippers strangle Jerry with their g-strings, and then we can all film our movie with them, Laetitia, and Famke, and we can call it Zing-Masters ... better back that viagra ...
- JJ Jame's Son
Usually I have a witty comment or observation but I am cutting through the BS on this one. Geraldo wins because he actually takes the chairshots or shovels to the head, while Springer just runs away to the back of the set whenever he gets to close to the fighting on the stage. I love the show, but he's a first grade wuss; he'd even lose to Maury Povich.
- Matthew a stressed out Scotsman from Cornell
Jerry is too lightweight, he deals with blowjobs and strippers. Geraldo had child molesters and actual murderers and rape victems up on stage forcing them to cry and get pissed on camera just for ratings. He made people spill out their darkest secrets, made them think they could trust him and that he cared, but he just threw them away after the show. He's fucking evil man! Jerry has actors and stuff on stage acting like they are fighting and stuff and blah blah, this response isn't humerous enough is it? Well neither are the ones you think are.
- the penis meat!
Geraldo will lose this match, but it will inspire him into new depths of depravity as he opts to can his 'Serious, Hard-edged, Wearing-glasses Look.' Then, once he's re-established the daytime feces that is 'Geraldo' he will put that upstart Mayor of Cincinnati in his place. (And after the next Grudge Match results are in, he'll host a show that will really up his ratings: Despondant Christmas Villains, with special guest Scrooge, hot on the heels of his trouncing at the hands of that overly-hyped fairy, the Grinch.)
..... This is as bad as Superman and Clark Kent. Notice the fake mustache? The easily-spotted wig? It's obvious these two talk-show tycoons are one in the same (sort of like Michael Jackson in the 80s and now). You couldn't expect Geraldo to come back with the same name, could you? Jerry is a derivative of Gerald, which in Spanish is Geraldo. And Rivera? Rivera - a = River. Rivers come from what..... springs! Rivera! Springer! C'mon!!!! He's back! Back from Ratings hell! After one turn through the meat grinder, it's no wonder he's back knowing all the tricks of the trade! And this time, there'll be no one left to stop him.... not even that day-time, goody-two-shoes-hussy, Oprah, or her candy-land, queen-of-nice- counter-part Rosie.... He's givin' the people what they want, and no one, not even the Ratings board, is gonna get in his way!
- Saru-kun (roughly translated, Saru-kun means Monkey Boy)
No questions on this result. Geraldo made the concept of the "real life" talk shows and is used to reveling in the blood in guts. Springer is prim and likes to come off as caring and sensitive as shown by his little speeches. Geraldo also has survived celebrity death before. He got run out of the business because the studios couldn't handle him and he still pops up in the news. The situation: Springer kneels beside the decapitated Jenny Jones and begin to comment on the terrible depths of depravity that the talk show business has sunk to. Geraldo just grabs another chair and beats the stuffing out of Springer. A couple of thwacks to Springer's head and Geraldo gets into expressing his anger at being punted from fame. Springer's popularity soars, Springer gets snuffed, and Geraldo once again is torn apart in national news papers. Paul gets up and says how much he loves both shows and Geraldo beats him down as well. Total time: 30 seconds for Springer, 30 seconds for Paul, 30 seconds for mangling Springer some more for the heck of it...
When I saw the combatants for this match, I looked around for a button to click to select "Both Killed". No such luck. Both men are sleaze and they are evenly matched. Geraldo had his (limited) boxing stint and Jerry has all the knowledge he picked up from watching the slugfests on his show. True, they were broken up quickly by the security men, but there were so many that Jerry must have picked up something. So, here we have a match between two evenly-matched opponents that I don't like and there is no "kill them both" button. What to do? The answer: Tell what I would like to see happen. Both men are filled with the Rage(tm) and have grabbed microphone stands, pulling out the metal pipes to use as weapons. Springer comes charging at Geraldo with his pipe pointed like a lance straight at him. At the critical moment, Springer slips on a piece of bloody gore left over from Jenny Jones' decapitation. Springer's pipe flies forward. Geraldo attempts to parry, but the pipe hits its mark and plunges into Geraldo's chest, killing him. As Springer falls, his head gets impaled on the pipe which is still gripped by Geraldo's corpse. Springer is also killed. The end result: A partial victory for the American public. Now, if we can figure out how to polish off the other talk show hosts...
- The Demented Astronomer
So they're fighting the love and adoration of Paul, a bespectacled and begoateed Canadian. Glasses and a beard ... hmmm, sounds like Alan Wu (of "Talk Soup's" glory days) going undercover.
I smell a fix. No doubt Tom McNamara rigged the chairs for maximum neck-severing potential too.
Well that really settles it, doesn't it? If this is in actuality "a very special live episode of 'Talk Soup'", then it all depends upon who knows enough not to take himself seriously. I get the feeling Geraldo views himself as a legitimate journalist, despite decades of evidence to the contrary. Springer, on the other hand, is the kind of guy who isn't too embarrassed to pay a hooker by check.
Even if Geraldo manages to denogginize Jerry, Jerry'd still make for a better host. Just imagine the headless corpse of Springer staggering around in the aisle, blood burbling out of the neck stump, trying in vain to ask Velma Sue why she won't date outside the family. And don't think Jerry wouldn't do it!
- Lou the Inscrutible
Either Jerry Springer or Geraldo Rivera dies. Okay, fine. Jenny Jones is decapitated in the scenario. No huge loss there, I guess.
The problem as I see it, though, is that the two hours of empty programming only leaves the potential for two more hours of Rosie O'Donnell...or even Oprah Winfrey. The solution isn't getting rid of the hosts, as there are always more host-wannabes waiting in the wings. (Perhaps even on "Wings.") The solution is weaning people off the supply. We should have talk show reform modeled off the United States welfare reform of the mid-1990's.
You get no more than two years of continuously hosting a talk show. You get no more than a total of five years hosting a talk show per lifetime (or on Lifetime). No extra benefits for having or adopting children. (I'm talking to you, Rosie and Kathie Lee!) In order to stay on as host of a talk show, you have to prove that you were looking for legitimate work.
Now, I acknowledge that some people have no choice but to host a talk show--it's a fact of a free-market system--but we want to make sure the system isn't being abused.
I realize that all of the savings from the "welfare reform" package were quickly diverted to the military and, thereby, never seen by the taxpayers. However, I hereby declare my current proposal REAL REFORM (TM and fanfare), thereby guaranteeing success. I think all can agree that this proposal will help keep America strong. (If it doesn't, Barbara Walters goes in the lock box!)
Thank you, and God bless!
- Mark Wentz
Why, Oh God why? We are wondering who would win between these two freaks? Why don't we just add in a pack of carnivorous wild dogs. Then all our problems will be solved. Now there's an episode of Talk Soup worth watching.
It seems to be the general consensus that Jerry Springer is the Crown Prince of marketing smut in the 90s. (The honor of 'King' goes to Vincent K Macmahn, but thats another story.) While this may impress some people, it does not impress me. Folks, this is the 90s. its EASY to market smut. Hotbranch's pet Fluffy could market smut in the 90s! But Geraldo, he was marketing smut in the 80s, back when marketing smut took some real talent. Marketing smut killed careers back then. The fact that Geraldo no longer markets smut is irrelevent. Nobody can blame him for calling it quits after all those gruelling years. The mere fact that he is still remembered today is a testement to his power as a distributer of smut. In a strait up fight, Jerry has no chance. (no chance in hell...)
- The Animator
Man oh man, this is unbelieveable... A talk show match with Riviera and Springer? Have you forgotten the ROOTS of sleazeball gutter level shows? Within seconds, PHIL EFFIN DONAHUE, the KING of all that is sleaze, shows the youngsters how it's done. He'll bust these 2 down old school with no need for fancy "chair throwing". Just watch. Donahue shall come, and all talk TV will submit to his mighty powers of trash shows! (Note: Sorry about response length, preparing for impromptu scene in The Brendan Story, a match about our least favorite commentator.)
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee
Okay, there's a half dozen talk show hosts who could take out these guys, but you chose them for the fights breaking out on their shows not their own prowess. I think it's safe to assume that everything these boys learned about fighting they picked up on their shows. For that reason, Geraldo will win. Why? Because the fights on Jerry Springer are faked. According to the city council of Chicago where his show is taped have declared that since much of the show's security personel consists of off duty police officers that they are bound by law to arrest the people appearing on the show if they should they actually assault one another. Since the holding cells don't fill up every day that Jerry is on the set, they concluded that the fights must be fake. And so since Jerry's only fighting experience is with faked fights he's not prepared for this at all. Geraldo on the other hand has actually been injured in the fights on his show. If they were planned ahead of time you'd think he'd not get his nose broken.
- Joel Mathis
Is this really a "Send my Talkshow host to bootcamp" in disguise?
- Very Very Stupid aka FreakyFreaky ?
What a baffling matchup. If we're talking about intelligence, well, all I have to do is mention "Al Capone's Vault", and the obvious edge goes to Jerry Springer. He is also a king at both self-promotion and self-parodying (witness his appearance on The Simpsons.) However, I voted for Geraldo Rivera because he's much better at fighting than Jerry. He also got his nose broken in a brawl, while Jerry Springer, while having more fights on his show, has never gotten INTO one. That, and Geraldo is cuter.
- Jonah Falcon
Well, guys, this is my first actual response, so I'll try to be brief. I just checked the polls, and I can't believe that Springer is winning. Rivera is the obvious choice for two reasons: First, he has the eggs to take on the dreaded Curse of Al Capone (TM)....and he's still alive! Second: Geraldo now has the same experience dealing with low-down and dirty, underhanded fights that Springer has. No, not trailer trash mammas attacking each other, but politicians! Now that Springer loses that Trump Card, it's a clear victory for Geraldo "Raging River" Rivero. Oh, and Brendan, I think that you should be put on some kind of Grudge-probation for that complete dis of Mr. T. I pity YOU, Fool!
- El Pollo
Geraldo was one of the first and certainly most visible of the early Trash T.V. Kings however by this point in time he lost step. Where is Geraldo's movie? Where is his "Too hot for T.V." videos? Where are the naked chicks? And how come when Geraldo took on a neo-Nazi he got a chair in the nose? When Jerry took on that Jew Hatin' Preacher he kicked his butt. And of course where the Hell is Geraldo's right hand man? Who watches his back in dangerous situations? When Jerry is in trouble we know that he will get out of it unscathed. Why? Because of the Tonto to his Lone Ranger. The Robin to his Batman. The Jimmy Olsen to his Superman. Jerry's ringer. Thats right you know who I mean. The One. The Only. STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! I declare Jerry Springer THE VICTOR!
- Kenneth E. Carper
As the two hosts run towards each other ready to crack some skulls (don't worry, no brains were injured in the making of this speculation) there were none in the vacinity. Hotbranch! jumps out of his chair and splits up the two. "Listen guys. I care about both your shows... can't we all just live in harmony?" Both hosts stop to think for a minute. Both think deep and hard about their shows and figure that right now Jenny had them both beat in TV violence, and that this couldn't go on or their shows would be in ruins. We all know that the head of Jenny Jones will comeback in some jar and host her show whether we like it or not, so they had to stop. But then the Rage(tm) factor comes in. Both have rage built up from being pushed around on their shows. Screw Ratings(tm. They both pick up a chair and throw it. They once again collide and reflect back to the person who threw it. Both die. The world is a better place.
- The Unintelligable Ferret
#1: Famke Jannsen is much better looking than Laetitia Casta, I don't know what you've been smoking, Brendan. #2: Geraldo has had to go to court for hitting people before. Jerry Springer seems like the kind of person that got his lunch money stolen by cheerleaders. #3: Say, John, could I have a small part in your movie? Maybe I could play the Kato Katlinish houseguest at the playboy mansion after Hugh Heffner donates it to you for saving the world from Arabian Terrorists?
- Some Dork
Yes The clear advantage has to go to Springer. Jerry doesn't take himself, or his image that seriously. He is willing to slug it out in dual of folding chairs with no thought, other than smashing his opponent to into pulpy matter. He has already been a mayor and is disillusioned with the whole political scene. Geraldo on the other hand, well, suffers from the stigma of actually believing he did some good. He actually thought that his show was better than those "other" talk show hosts who just paraded wierdos for the entertainment of a blood thirsty audience. To this day he thinks his political commentaries are actually influencing people. So Jerry molds a chair around Geraldo's face while he is distracted trying to look good for the cameras. It's over in seconds. Judge Jenny raises the hand of the victor, bodyguard Steve rushes in to make sure Geraldo doesn't get up. Ophra, Sally, and Riki yawn in the front row while tossing their score cards to the audience.
Jerry Springer has the city of Cincinatti angry at him for embarassing their city as well as having to contend with the usual white trash and fat black hoes who had affairs with transvestites, married couples, their brother or sister, and other assorted characters. Geraldo has made himself somewhat more respectable, but his greatest failures, such as the mobster lode that eluded him making the discovery of the decade may come back to haunt him. Plus, Geraldo is Mexican. Mexicans don't beat Americans, the only cultural contribution to America worse than geraldo is Taco Bell. Jerry Springer wins.
Yes, I don't have a vote, but I have advice for the two hosts! Geraldo, you kick him to the curb! He wants to have his cake and eat it too, it's all about respect! Jerry, you'd better dump that ZERO and get yo'self a HERO!! I'd also like to give a shout out to everyone in Whothehellcares, Wyoming! Okay, that's enough. I gots ta go pick up mah 11 kids and clean the trailer... Yee haw the south's gonna do it aggin!
- Noel Schornhorst
"You don't bet on the white guy in a fight." Generally true... unless you're talking about WHITE TRASH. If you don't believe me, take a look at Stone Cold sometime. Taking that old saw out of contention we have two rather evenly matched (and evenly inept) fighters. I mean, no matter how much Geraldo bluffs, I'm pretty sure that O.J. (and this is not an endorsement of his "alleged" crimes, just the facts, so save your postage money for 'NSYNC Voodoo Dolls') could take him in a fight. Hell, I'm pretty sure I could take Geraldo in a fight. Jerry doesn't even bother to bluff. He knows that he would lose an ass-kicking contest to a one-legged midget. And there's the difference. See, Geraldo would actually try to fight one on one. Jerry knows better. Who do you think is going to be doing the fighting for him? "STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!" And pretty soon, Jerry is waxing poetic about how discretion is the better part of valor in his "Final Thought". Ironically, it is Geraldo's final thought as well.
- Todd "Curse the Iron Fist" Evil
Stay Tuned for Jerry's Final thought.... (fade in) "Folks, pop culture can be a wonderful thing. But when strange and obsessed university students start to abuse pop culture, by pitting celebrities against one another in hypothetical battles, it's the children who are hurt the most. If we, as a society, can just try a little harder, then maybe our pop culture icons can have a happier life, instead of being mangled and killed. Until next time, take care of yourselves....and each other."
- 1/2 Nelson
I just wanted to say that this is the third match in a row where I can say I meant to vote for someone but accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. Something wrong with that, man. As for the match, Geraldo has it. You wanna know why? Well, as both of them are talk show hosts, there's gonna be a whole lot of trash talking. And while Springer has lots of things for Geraldo to joke, Geraldo has only one major thing: The Al Capone's vault fiasco. Springer will inevitably have to joke Geraldo about it. Now think about it: This will be your crowning glory, you have found Al Capone's secret vault after much investigation, and you are going to open it in front of the entire nation. This will be the apex of your career. You open it and find nothing. You have been humiliated, and every single person nationwide has seen it. Your career has been painfully damaged. You are going to be the brunt of Johnny Carson's jokes for the next month. You will never fully escape the shadow of this incident. That, my friend, is Rage[super]TM [/super]. Springer will be torn in half and then fed to his guests. Rivera rules over all.
- My name is Kenny
What's bizarre about this match is that the words sleazy, pimpin', savage and diabolical were all used to pump up the match yet not once was the fact mentioned that Geraldo is an investigative reporter. C'mon, guys! That's like having chocolate chip without the cookie, or a hamburger without the bun or Gore without Buchanan for crying out loud!
Obviously, Geraldo wouldn't fling himself into something as meaningful as settling a dispute about who the favorite talk show host is. He's in Florida sucking up every ounce of non-story from the campaign circus as Gore offers one last ditch effort to gain any kind of win in court. Though Traffic Court isn't exactly the expertise of the Gore campaign attorney, he "firmly believes" there's a good chance of a win(ning paycheck).
The "Geraldo" on stage is actually Michael Jackson doing Geraldo a favor while trying to prove his own masculinity. It'll be a while, though, before anyone realizes that Jenny is unharmed and finds Jackson's decapitated head.
Meanwhile, Paul gives up his star-struck effort at timidly relaying his message to the contendors and resorts to wild screaming that quickly dominates the speakers..."Jerry, your old, white ass ain't got nothin' on Geraldo so why don't you just sit down and shut up into retirement!" Paul concludes this with his hands on his hips and a quick cock of his head from side to side. This turns out to be an unexpected and final blow to Jerry's already tattered self image as the audience rallies in support. With an ego now the quivalent of a small raisin, Jerry is reduced to Fry Boy at a McDonalds in Queens while Geraldo reigns as the undisputed Talk Show champion.
- Roger Alicea
"Favour"? Must be one a' them baconham words.
- Nick Zachariasen, back after a long absence
The letters in Geraldo Rivera can be rearranged to spell......
Evil Road Rager!!! c'mon how could *anyone* come close to topping that! He's got RAGE(TM) *and* Evil mixed up in his name!
Jerry Springer has Jergens(TM) but I don't think that will help him in this one.
Jerry Springer. Geraldo Rivera. No "Both Sacrificed to an Active Volcano" option. In a season of optimism and joy, you have made thousands question their faith in God.
Enjoy Christmas while you can, guys. I'm calling Amnesty International, and I hope they've got SWAT teams.
- Call me Shane
Item 1: This is going to be a no-holds-barred, hit 'em below the belt brawl. Hence, the combatant with the highest Sleaze Factor, if I may perform a cheap rip off of one of the most reverently invoked phrases in grudgedom, will win.
Item 2: If the past few years have taught us anything, it's that politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers are all capable of out-sleazing daytime talk-show hosts. Just look at the whole Bill and Monica scenario, or anything to do with elections in Florida.
Item 3: Jerry's been mayor of Cincinnati and has hence had to grapple with said politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. Gheraldo is, in comparison, going to be an easy opponent.
In Conclusion: Springer in a rout.
The big question is, how much support can these combatants draw from others? On the one hand, Geraldo no longer goes for quite the lowest- common-denominator. Rather (pun not intended), he attempts to pass himself off as a serious news anchor. This is not enough to draw adulation from the masses, though he does get points for presumably being a continual irk to Tom Brokaw. Further, in the early '90s Geraldo had fat cells from his seat cosmetically transplanted into the front of his cranium, making him both a literal and figurative butt-head. On the other hand, Jerry Springer has remained true to his sleazy TV roots, and thus performs two important functions for the health of modern society: 1) As Roger Ebert noted in his review of "The Brandon Teena Story," a documentary about a woman murdered by rednecks for pretending to be a man, and I quote: "If tabloid TV contains the message that everyone has to make his or her own accommodation with life, sex and self-image, then it's performing a service. It helps people get used to the idea that some people are different. With a little luck, Jerry Springer might have saved Brandon Teena's life." 2) In one of my psychology classes, our professor asked, "Raise your hand if you come from a dysfunctional family," and everyone in the room did so! Indeed, we all have problems in our lives, but we don't walk around wearing them on our sleeves. Thus, in those dreaded moments when we're trying to fall asleep, our minds betray us and ridicule us for all our shortcomings. Syndicated TV provides a bulwark against this misery: climb out of bed, switch on a channel with a sleazy talk-show, and take comfort in viewing real people who are even more pathetic than you! If these two boons are not enough to win direct intervention from the studio audience, they will certainly elicit assistance from the mandatory "Jenny Jones Show" shrink who recognizes Jerry's value. The overuse of psychoanalysis is a highly-effective method of annoyance, and the shrink will make the most of it in this brawl, e.g. "Your show is titled 'Rivera Live.' Why do you feel compelled to assert your viruility?" and "Geraldo, everytime Jerry clocks you in the jaw, you wipe your hand over your mouth. Physical contact with this man clearly makes you anxious enough to regress to the oral stage!" If Springer's fists aren't enough, five minutes of Freudian heckling will drive Geraldo whimpering and cowering into the darkest corner of Al Capone's safe.
- Matt Bricker
Jerry is a dead man. The mere fact that he would consider harming Geraldo puts him in danger of a "2-gunshots to the back of the head" suicide, a la Vince Foster. Without Geraldo's shameless pandering to Bill Clinton day in and day out, public opinion may have forced the bozo out of office last year. Bill owes Geraldo big time, and taking out Jerry may be just the kind of executive order that both parties can agree on.
- Newt-Loving, Bush-League Republican, now scared for my life
Just as the two sleaziest talk show hosts of the past twenty years are about to grapple, the Duke of Uncouth breaks through the wall. That's right, it's the one and only Vince McMahon, owner of the WWF, the man who gave his loyal viewers an Evening Gown match between two men in their sixties, and an affair between a young wrestler and a woman in her seventies. Vince also, needless to say, pioneered the almighty Chair Shot, and made a hero of Stone Drunk Steve Asstin, by far the sleaziest wrestling champion of all time. Before the shocked wannabes can react, Vince decapitates them both with the chairs they had planned to use on each other, and luxuriates in the blood that soaks him.
- The Scorpion
Jerry wins, because there is no such person as Geraldo. Look at those pictures: All Springer does is put some Grecian Hair Formula (tm: please don't sue me)in his hair. Next he puts on a darker shade of glasses and a fake Bobby Valentine mustache. Then he watches some old spaggheti western flicks to get the "we don't need no stinkin' badges" accent down perfectly, and finally he Latino-fies his name from white guy "Jerry Springer" to "Geraldo Rivera!!!!" (make sure you roll the r's).
Hats of to Senor Springer for finding a way to get twice as many women with his all-powerful pimp hand!
Oh, I get it..."Both sentenced to life in a single-wide mobile home with a dozen 300lb-snake-handling-clog-dancing-Neo-Nazi-dominatrix-drag-queens" was too long to fit on a button, right?
- Mr. Silverback- All Jerry and Geraldo want for Christmas is anti-venom
and a cake with a file in it.
Next Match: Humbug!
Next Match: Humbug!
© 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC