World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

In a long, dark-paneled boardroom, a half-dozen NBC executives wait nervously. On the other side of the meeting table, a door opens, and in walks Donald Trump. "Good morning," he says.

"Good morning, Mister Trump," they chorus. One of them ventures forth. "Sir, we were hoping-"

"I know why you're here," Trump says, "but I'm not changing my mind. The Apprentice is a tremendous, groundbreaking show, and a fantastic success, but it's time for me to move on. After this season, I will no longer be starring on the show."

"But what about our schedule?" one of the executives stammers. "You'd be leaving a big hole, and I don't think the public's ready for a thirteenth Law and Order show."

"Hold it. I only said I wouldn't be on the air. The series can go on ... as long as I still get a big piece of the gross." The execs nearly get whiplash nodding their heads. "All it needs is a new host, someone with the same business genius and star quality I bring to the show, or at least as close as anyone else can get."

"We were hoping you'd say something like that." Another exec pulls a folder out of his briefcase. "We've put together a short list of business tycoons who might fit the bill. They're willing to-"

"Hand it over." Trump takes the folder, opens it, and nods his head. "Outstanding. An inspired list, filled with quality names. I'll start work on making my decision immediately."

There is consternation. "But Mister Trump, this was going to be a network decision. We need screen tests, focus groups, Q ratings."

"You don't need any of that. You've already got the best talent discovery method there is: my show. I'm going to run these guys through it, and whoever comes out on top gets the hosting gig. Any questions?"

The executives all look at each other, not quite daring to ask it. Trump sighs. "Okay, you can film it for November sweeps." Big grins and high-fives break out.

So, Shane, which massive magnate will master the maze-like machinations of this manipulative mogul?

Bill Gates, Microsoft Rupert Murdoch, Fox George Steinbrenner, New York Yankees J.R. Ewing, Dallas

Bill Gates
Rupert Murdoch
George Steinbrenner
J.R. Ewing

The Commentary

SHANE: This match is going to be over quicker than a one-horse rodeo. If you're looking for a telegenic tycoon everyone either loves or loves to hate, J.R. Ewing set the standard before anyone ever heard of The Donald. Trump will easily recognize a kindred spirit. J.R.'s got the charisma, the business savvy combined with a streak of ruthlessness, the personal flair, and a way with the ladies. Lots of ladies. Trump will be glad to live, and host, vicariously through J.R.

Of course, that requires beating his competitors, which shouldn't be hard. Bill Gates? You can't say that pipsqueak is (in Texas lingo) all hat and no cattle, 'cause he hasn't even got the hat! (I increasingly suspect Paul Allen was the real brains at Microsoft.) Gates can't win when he actually has competition, especially not of Ewing's caliber. J.R. will probably bribe a couple of D.A.'s to restart the antitrust proceedings, and Gates will run away screaming.

Murdoch's a little better, but he's losing his touch. Shouldn't Fox already have an Apprentice rip-off on the air? I rest my case.

Steinbrenner may do pretty well against his fellow baseball owners, but so could one of the better rotisserie leagues. He's moving up to the real majors now. By the time J.R.'s done smooth-talking and back-stabbing him, not only will he be out of the competition, but Alex Rodriguez will be back in Texas. And knowing George, he'll say he got the better of the deal.

J.R Ewing is back in business. Once he takes over The Apprentice, it'll be getting ratings you haven't seen since ... well, since the last time the country went wild over J.R.

MARK: Rupert Murdoch? Las Vegas' over/under odds have him at "down under." He'll never win. Bill Gates? "You've got the blue screen o' death" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "You're fired!" Ewing? J.R. doesn't have a shot.

No, my friends, the winner of this match and the new host of the show is none other than George Steinbrenner. He'll take the budget, double it, and still make tons of money. While others are adding big names to their boards of directors, Steinbrenner will be adding bigger names. In fact, he might just add Murdoch, Gates, or Ewing if he feels like it. This guy gets what he wants.

Plus, Steinbrenner has happy employees. Happy employees are productive employees. In this age of Wal-Martizing employees, George can't seem to pay them enough. With an All-American line-up even. I mean, come on; it's not like Bernie Williams has a "Made in Puerto Rico" sticker sewn to his butt. Heck, even George Costanza enjoyed working for the Yankees. If you can get that guy to enjoy coming to work, while still making money, you've accomplished an amazing feat.

George Steinbrenner will spend a lot, recruit well, and make tons of money. If the Donald has any issues with that, he might very well find himself on the wrong end of a Louisville Slugger. Steinbrenner will once again be crowned The Boss.

And he'll still have time to be impersonated on an overrated sitcom.

HOTBRANCH!: You know ... I could go on about how weak Rupert Murdoch's competition is, but what fun would it be to rant about men who are afraid of fruit and penguins, the city of Boston, and renewable energy sources? All are competent businessmen, who've done well in their respective fields, but they all have one fatal flaw: they concentrate on one type of business.

Rupert Murdoch is a media baron. For those who didn't fail Latin in high school 3 years running, like me, media is the plural form of medium. Murdoch is skilled at juggling different types of businesses: newspapers, television, movies, and radio. He sells the public the same crap in different formats, and we are only too happy to buy, buy, buy. That takes a special kind of business skill.

In addition to a keen business sense, Trump's heir has to be no-nonsense and have climbed every step of the business ladder to reach the top; basically, he has to be a clone of Trump (what could be better for a billionaire's ego than to have his very own Mini-me?). Murdoch started at the lowest rung and steadily climbed the ladder, ignoring his critics and taking advantage of every loophole he could find. In Murdoch, Trump will find a kindred business spirit and, ultimately, a new host.

I'd mention Murdoch's connection to the Simpsons, but that would be like putting Omarosa against Mother Teresa in a "who's the bigger bitch?" contest.

PAUL: For all you capitalists out there, I'll be brief.

Net worth comparison The chart to the right compares the net worth of the contestants. Three of these guys could use some economic Viagra(tm).

The Apprentice is about succeeding at business and succeeding at business is about making money. Bill Gates is worth three and half times more than the rest combined. And that's not including Bill's partner Paul Allen who is worth an additional 20 billion. Even his name is "Bill". Considering Trump is about 2 billion in debt, I think the Don knows which moneybag will bail him out is most qualified.

Then think how well the pretenders' empires would operate when their computers go haywire mysteriously. [How's that different than normal? - Eds.] Er, more than usual. [Try again.] OK, imagine A-Rod playing for Boston on Steinbrenner's tab. Fox showing nothing but Scott Baio programming. Dallas turned into a comedy where J.R. sells women's shoes. With his iron grip on Windows and his programming/hacking skills, Bill Gates has these people at his mercy. And don't tell me they use Macs. If Apple had corporate clients, they wouldn't be using a cellist in its commercials.

And who will stand up to Bill? George will quit when he learns he's not allowed to fire the director and replace him with Billy Martin. Mr. Murdoch knows if he wins, he'll be sharing space with desperate, revenge-seeking MSNBC staffers. And how tough can J.R. be when his fiercest rivals are Patrick "Step by Step" Duffy and Ken "Who?" Kercheval. Anyway, in the world of fictional wealth, Forbes says he's not as successful as a candy man and, for goodness sake, a DUCK.

P.Diddy taught me that it's all about the Benjamins. Weird Al Yankovic taught me that it's all about the Pentiums. The combination of the two simply cannot lose.

Thanks to the many people that suggested a billionaires and/or Apprentice style match.

The Results

Bill Gates, Microsoft

Bill Gates (1345 - 50.6%)

gets promoted over

J.R. Ewing, Dallas

J.R. Ewing (707 - 26.6%)

George Steinbrenner, New York Yankees

George Steinbrenner (325 - 12.2%)

Rupert Murdoch, Fox

Rupert Murdoch (281 - 10.6%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Voter Comments


(It's the final boardroom, and it has come down to Gates versus Ewing. The Donald walks through the double doors, swings a nod each to George and Carolyn, and takes his seat.)

Trump: Hello, J.R. and Bill. Now, this really should be a hard decision, but it isn't. J.R., you consistently showed outstanding business ability, and displayed many admirable qualities: perseverance, quick thinking, people skills. Bill, you just bought up Murdoch and Steinbrenner, you just can't rely on that on Trump's watch! Bill, you're fi-

(Suddenly, Clippet appears from nowhere.)

Clippet: You appear to be trying to fire someone! Would you like some help?
Trump: No, I can do it just myself just fine. As I was saying, Bill, you-
Clippet: You appear to be trying to fire someone! Would you like some help?
Trump: I said no! Bill, you'r-
Clippet: Hint: Use indents, tabs or tables to line up text. If you use the spacebar, it may not line up properly.
Trump: What's that got to do with firing someone?! For the love of God, Bill, you're fire-
Clippet: Hint: To move between errors in your document, double-click the Spelling and -
Trump: **** all that, Gates can stay if it'll shut that thing's yap. John Ross, you're fired!
Ewing: Hey, that ain't fair!
Gates: Ha ha! Victory is mine!

- Mixmaster Flibble, Inc.

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

We're looking for a TV host, someone with Pizzazz (tm), Panache (tm), what the French call a certain... I don't know what. So, let's assess what we have here:

Bill Gates: Wealthy beyond comprehension, could buy and sell the Donald so quickly it'd make his hairpiece spin. However, he's not the most photogenic gentleman I've ever seen, and granted, I have never met the man, but he doesn't strike me as a very personable guy. What could he possibly know about hosting a TV show? The only thing I've ever seen of him on film was a debut of a new version of Windows ™ © ® that subsequently went all Bluescreen on him. Loser.

Rupert Murdoch: An order of magnitude less wealthy, but still far wealthier than any of us poor schlubs can ever dream of being. He is the majority stockholder and CEO of the News Corporation that owns, among other holdings, Fox Television Network. He has also owned the LA Dodgers and Manchester United, the world's most famous non-American Football team. But, seriously, look at this guy... he's a cranky old codger and nobody would want to watch him on TV for more than a few microseconds. His bald head and creased, wrinkled face will haunt my dreams for days. Not to mention, he's Australian, so you know he talks funny. And, for all the success that Simon has had on American Idol, I think it's safe to say that generally Americans don't like foreigners (or Foreigner, for what that's worth). Rupert ain't our guy.

George Steinbrenner: Chump-change compared to the aforementioned, 'Big Stein' has been seen on TV a number of times. He was a running character on a short-lived and relatively poorly received sitcom named "Seinfeld" (I was joking right there), and now can be seen appearing in some commercials with notable Yankees such as Joe Torre (with two R's). Will the hilarity ever stop? Sadly, yes. He's a ridiculous human being who is prepared to fire and trade every person in his organization anytime the Yanks go on a two- game losing streak. I don't think he has the patience to make a good decision regarding the participants on the show, prone as he is to making snap judgments. Sure, he has his own TV network, but all it does is show baseball games. I have to say NO to George.


J.R. Ewing: He's the only one of the four that doesn't fill me with the urge to gouge out my eyeballs and then throw them on the floor and stomp on them until they become a squishy mess and then mop them up off the floor and rinse them down the drain, and subsequently have to stumble through life permanently blinded because he is so unbelievably hideous. He has experience with the TV gig, having done it on Dallas for so long, not to mention his long-running success on I Dream of Jeannie. Barbara Eden was a Fox! Plus, I like his hat.

J.R. wins.

- Adam B.

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

We must, before everything else, remember that The Apprentice is a television show, and therefore primarily about image and style. It doesn't matter which host is the best business brain -- any of the contestants is more than expert enough -- it matters most which has the panache, the charisma, the savoir faire to match The Donald. Without that Trumpian triumph of sheer eccentric personal style, the show would never have been a hit. And since the choice is according to Donald's own highly (cough) unique stylistic taste, the result can only go one way.

Donald will pick Bill Gates for one reason: Bill is the only one he can look at and say, "Now that is someone whose hair is just as cool as mine."

- Mr. Glag

Why even bother holding this match?

All Bill G. needs to do is flip a switch, and 95% of the world's PCs will automatically submit a vote for him. Try tracking THAT abuse down with your so-called Iron Fist(TM)!

- Dan McD. (Who lives in a Windows(TM)-free house.)

For those unacquainted with the history of the modern computing scene, go rent "Pirates Of Silicon Valley." Watch it. Now, pay close attention to Bill Gates's big scene where he sells the IBM people with the idea of DOS.

A product that HE DIDN'T EVEN OWN!

Bill Gates ain't just a computer nerd, my friends. He's a poker player. What better type of person to trump Trump's legacy?

- Affy

None of them

We are talking about Donald "My Ego is bigger then my new buildings" Trump. The man is not going to allow anyone of these billionaires to replace him.

So... why is he doing this? Trump is getting rid of the competition. As we know, everyone signs one of those "Will not Sue" contracts when they go on a reality TV show. As such, Trump will have them compete in... special events.

Mark my words, this season will have contests that involve calling Drug Dealers Richard Simmons and daring the New York cab commission to arrest them.

- -Mr. Chaos, proud he never said "You're Fired" in his answer

Out of the four business titans in this contest, there are only two who are real contenders: Gates and Murdoch. Steinbrenner and Ewing don't even come close. Let's consider who they can push around. J.R. has the least power and hasn't posed a serious threat to anyone since the 1980's. Steinbrenner is able to sometimes push around the government of New York City, an improvement over what J.R. can do, but it pales compared to the other two.

Both Gates and Murdoch have had dealings with the federal government. Let's see how they fared. Rupert Murdoch successfully got the government to change the laws on media ownership so he could expand his empire, but still can't do anything about the laws concerning program content.

Bill Gates has fought the government over the business practices of Microsoft. He has managed to bog down things to the point where the feds have largely given up on doing anything to him. Now, the European Union is giving it a try and, so far, not having much success either. This ability to fight entire nations to a standstill is impressive and gives Gates an edge in this category.

Now, let's look at who can control the most people. The Fox network and its cable partners don't have nearly 100% of the TV viewing market locked up. Microsoft's Windows runs on something like 95% of all computers and even the other 5% use some sort of Microsoft product for one thing or another (ie. Windows Media Player, etc.) Therefore Gates can be said to have dominion over all computer users.

Against such power, Rupert Murdoch might be able to compete, but he will inevitably lose. Seeing the true extent of Gates' power will have J.R. running back to Southfork in sheer terror. Steinbrenner will simply know when he's been beaten and resume his attempts to get a new stadium.

- The Demented Astronomer

Being from the 'lesser of evils' school of thought, I voted for JR, as he doesn't actually exist.

- They Call Me Marsh

Guys, you did it. You made a match where I couldn't make up my mind. Bravo. Since I couldn't decide, I wasn't going to vote.

But P. Diddy told me to vote.

So I voted for Ewing.

- The (no longer) Unpublished Soldier

J.R. Ewing wears a cowboy hat. No chance.
Bill Gates is the wussiest looking man in America, nay, the world. No chance, due to lack of intimidation.
George Steinbrenner is in the wrong type of competition on a daily basis. As much as I love the Yankees (they are NOT a bought team, despite what jealous, desperate, and hopeless BoSox fans will tell you), no chance.

Rupert Murdoch ... in high school, my choir performed at a holiday party in his place in NYC. When our soloist was about to perform, he tapped his glass. It was quiet in two seconds, which is normal enough. But when the song was over, everybody looked back at him to ask silently if it was ok that they resumed talking. There was fear there, people. Murdoch, who has taken on so much while starting with so little, is the only person on this thing who can win.

Steinbrenner second place out of sheer ruthlessness.

- A New Cynic

I am somehow disgusted, and the socialist-anarchist inside me can offer only three words in response to this match: "Eat The Rich."

- Monkeydog

Ewing: Dallas was all just a dream, right? If so, Trump's going to hire a guy who was only rich in his dreams. If this kind of thing started happening, everyone would work for Trump, and money would be useless. Next!

Murdoch: The guy runs FOX. Yes, he's given us the Simpsons, hailed Grudge Match Champs, but he also cancelled Futurama. For doing that, he has no business being here.

Stienbrenner: His team lost to the Florida Marlins. I know because I live in Florida, and was all too glad to see them win. You're fired, Stienwhacker!

Gates:He appeared on Family Guy, with Eisner, destroyer of Disney, and Ted Turner, who gave us Captain Planet. Yet, this unholy alliance of evil, AOL, and any other claims won't stop him from taking the position. Why? In Japan, they've made Microsoft and other operating systems into Anime Girls. . How do you like Windows XP now? The Babe Factor prevails.

- GreenNinja is Interfaced!!!

Go Bill Gates, anyone who makes their base of ops in Washington State and not New York City or the east coast gets my vote. Anyways, guess who is also in Washington State? Boeing, you know the guys who make B-52s. Bill could get air support that the army and marines would envy. AIR RAID!!!

- Kilt Man

George Steinbrenner- When he ran the Yankees with an iron fist in the 80s, they sucked. A lot.

J.R. Ewing- Don't know much about him, but I believe he was dumb enough to get shot.

Rupert Murdoch- Ugh... Fox. Let's not even go there.

Bill Gates- I read that when he was in high school, he designed a program to create the class schedules for all the students in the school. He put himself in the classes with all girls and no other guys. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a true master of business.

- Smooth Jimmy Apollo - It seems the Antichrist is running unopposed here.

Bill Gates wins. They decide to put their money together and purchase NBC. Bill Gates then waits until no one suspects him, and has them all killed by Al Capone.

Yes, Al Capone is dead, but when you're worth more than 50 billion dollars, you can do that.

- Mark I-would-be-here-if-I-didn't-already-have-a-contract-with-ABC Cuban

Choosing a winner shouldn't be very difficult. I can't choose Gates, because I still remember DOS and will never forgive him, even if he singlehandedly cures cancer. I can't choose Steinbrenner because I live in Boston, and Yankee hating is far more important than anything else around here (Yes, that includes both eating and cheering for the Red Sox). And I can't choose Murdoch because I live in Boston, which is part of Massachussetts, which means I'm a Democrat, which means I hate Fox.

So, I have to vote for Ewing. Wait... something's wrong with my computer! It's voting for Gates anyway! I knew I should've bought a Mac.

- Fish of Death

Ah, the moral dilemmas this match brings up.

If it weren't for Rupert Murdoch and FOX, I wouldn't be the fountain of Simpsons trivia that I am today.

But...if it wasn't for Bill Gates, I wouldn't even be sitting here in my boxers looking at porn... uh, I mean, writing this response.

What to do, what to do...besides never vote for Steinbrenner for anything. Being a loyal Red Sox fan, I've seen him win enough already. And Ewing? Please. I'm too young to have ever seen Dallas... although oddly enough, I know who shot him.


Looks like another vote for Gates. Hey Bill! How about throwing me a favor for my vote? Buy the Yankees and make them play in ballerina tutus!

- Scotty J. - Still seething over the Sox-Cubs match. What kind of team is so bad they get cursed by a GOAT?

The four contestants are sitting around the board room across from Mr. Trump. Each is plotting their takeover while they wait for instructions.

Trump: "For your first task, you will be given one thousand dollars. You have 3 days to turn it into one million. We will be monitoring your bank accounts to make sure you're not using your own money. Any questions?"

They shake their heads and are dismissed.

Day 1:

Gates invests his money in foreign oil, having had a tip-off from 'reliable' sources.
Murdoch buys a Slovakian restaurant chain, and due to the exchange rate has money left over.
Steinbrenner buys some guns, as well as blueprints of the Los Angeles US Bank Tower.
J.R. pays his way across the US, ripping off various relatives for quick cash.

Day 2:

Gates promises to pay millions to government officials to start another war, knowing the price of oil will go up.
Murdoch makes a few phone calls, and turns the restaurant chain into a large casino.
Steinbrenner promises to give all his players a bonus if they put on a show in LA.
JR learns that his great-uncle in Michigan has billions and drives north hoping to get a piece.

Day 3:

A renegade faction of the US Army demolishes the country of Sosmallia in mere hours. The price of oil skyrockets. Bill Gates sells his stock in foreign oil and makes a killing.
Murdoch's Casino in Slovakia makes several million in it's first day, but due to an error in the bank records, it all goes to Ted Turner.
The Yankees put on a show in front of the US Bank in downtown LA. Meanwhile, Steinbrenner holds up the bank for a ton of cash, and makes his escape while the guards are distracted by Derek Jeter's, erm, ball-washer. However, he gets lost on the way to the airport and is forced to steal Frank McCourt's private jet.
JR rips off his uncle for millions and drives back to New York. However he gets pulled over for speeding, evades police and eventually drives his car off a cliff into a matress factory, which is immediately demolished.

Back in the boardroom:

Trump: "Time's up! How did you all do?"
Gates, Murdoch and Steinbrenner each show their final earnings. Gates has made 3.4 billion, Murdoch has 36 cents and Steinbrenner has 1.2 million.
Trump: "Not bad, but where is JR?"
Gates flashes a "Who Fired JR" sign before the doors are suddenly thrown open. JR stumbles in, looking more beat-up than Trump's toupee. He holds up a briefcase, full of some 7 billion dollars.
Murdoch: "Jesus, how did you get all that?"
JR, instead of answering, mumbles something about kicking all their butts. He is declared the winner, and immediately pays Murdoch to get Dallas 68 more seasons.

- Floormatt

"I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him 'Money' for short.
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support!
--"It's all About the Pentiums"

Thus we see that Bill Gates will prevail in this contest, not only because he is the only one significantly mentioned on Al's 'Running With Scissors', but because he has learned the single most important lesson for success in any and all applications:
Obey Al.
But the rest WILL learn. One day soon.
Long Live Al!
Long Live Al!

- Weird Mark

It looks like you are forgetting one major fact, they are competing through the show, which involves challenges such as selling NEW YORK. The Yankees are New York, George Steinbrenner owns the Yankees, thus George Steinbrenner owns New York. All he has to do is give his legion of New Yorkers the threat of taking away the Yankees. Then what will they have, the Mets? Knicks? Rangers? Pathetic. Seriousely, New Yorkers will have nothing except overpriced housing. When they realize this, they will throw their money at Steinbrenner, and he will win all the challenges. You can't argue with a winner.

- FossilKing

Are you kidding me? Gates could (and probably will) buy these guys and sell them several times over! Don't you know anything about the corporate world? It's all about the moolah! Gates will grease every palm in sight. The others (if he hasn't bribed them away already) can't even begin to compete with that. And even if there are some rare souls with integrity that can't be bribed, Gates will threaten them with a forced installation of the Longhorn beta on their system. That's enough to scare ANYONE into submission. Gates wins, hands down.

- Durendal

I pick Bill Gates for the simple reason that Paul represented him with indisputable evidence: A pretty bar graph. Good work.

- Addicted to Shiny Things (so if any of you guys with braces...)

If you're going to make it big, you've gotta have the know-how. All of these guys have made it that far. But if you want to be the top dog, you have to be completely and utterly ruthless. And that is where the wheat is separated from the chaff.

Bill Gates can't hack it. Sure, it would cool if he could hardwire satellites to fire lasers at his enemies' companies and fire employees by digitizing them into cyberspace and deleting them with relish, but it's just not his style. Gates is too much of a nerd, and (dare I say it) a nice guy to play on this level. Paint him as Satan all you want, kids, but it won't wash. BALEETED!

In the movie Fierce Creatures, Rupert Murdoch was parodied by Kevin Kline as "Rod McCain", a ruthless media baron who beat up underlings for fun, televised public executions in Hong Kong and tried to have an entire zoo exterminated. Needless to say, this caricature was much more ruthless than the real Murdoch, and even he had no actual kills to his name and was rubbed out by Michael Palin, of all people. The real Murdoch gets chewed up, spat out and fed to Ted Turner.

George Steinbrenner. Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Mr. "I don't have heart attacks, I give them". However, although he had the evil of George Costanza under his thumb, he clearly can't see the awesome potential his job offers. Where are the back-alley beatdowns with corked bats? The rat poison-laced chewing tobacco trick? Wiring a guy to the Diamondvision and watching him fry? Nah, all he does is yell. Strike three.

This leaves our old friend J.R.. Don't let that handsome Major Nelson grin fool you; he's one nasty SOB. This country is littered with the bodies of those who tried to stick it to J.R., and don't you forget it. He was so ruthless that it took a cliffhanger shooting episode to stop him - he was Mr. Burns nasty before Mr. Burns existed! Who needs "You're Fired" (alleged TM) anyway? J.R. can let his six-guns do the talking, pard! Hm. Maybe we can get Omarosa back to try out this new method. Who's calling the kettle black now, wench?

Actually, now that I think about it, Donald Trump has no known kills to his record anyway, unless you count that unfortunate creature on his head (which may have died of natural causes, or perhaps on the highway). J.R. out-ruthlesses the Donald! Trump got trumped!

- Oxymoron - If quips were dollars, I'd be a millionaire too. Or at least a hundredaire.

The question comes down to this: Who can replicate Trump's famous line with the same harsh, cruelty that he can?

Bill Gates
"Um, excuse, me, sir. With the greatest respect to you and your family, I'm going to have to let you go."

Rupert Murdoch

George Steinbrenner J.R. Ewing
"Git yer dadgum ass outta my here office, yer fired."

- Ninja (MN)

What, no Michael Eisner button?

- Jack the Hack, preparing the world for the 2nd coming of Elvis.

Whoa, there, guys. It seems that every single commentator has no idea who, exactly, Donald Trump is. Donald Trump is a rich boy who inherited his money from his father. He's the kind of guy who would open two competing casinos down the street from each other. He's the kind of guy who would throw his money at competing with the NFL. Granted, he was marginally more successful than Vince McMahon was at it, but not by much. Basically, if there's a way to waste money through opulence, Trump will do it.

This automatically eliminates Bill Gates. When he actually spends his mountain of cash, he expects some use out of it. Plus, the fact that he has obvious business acumen means he's overqualified for the show. Rupert Murdoch is almost legendary for skimping on frills, and hates throwing good money at bad ideas. Also out.

J.R., now he's tempting. Except that with all the people who have been in good position to kill him over all these years, he's too much of a risk (and suicidal tendencies don't help either). But George Steinbrenner? His entire philosophy of business is that you can never throw too much money at a problem (see Rod, A-). Plus, he instinctively finds cameras, just like Trump.

And as Billy Martin can attest to, nobody is better at saying, "You're Fired!"

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Georgey Boy will win, simply because he is a man that everybody loves to hate. There have actually been instances of sold-out crowds IN YANKEE STADIUM, of all places, chanting in unison, "Steinbrenner sucks! Steinbrenner sucks!" A man that powerful and with that many people angry at him will be a surefire ratings hit.

- J-Money

I just wish whoever shot J.R. had better aim.

- Rabbi Jesus

The executives all look at each other, not quite daring to ask it. Trump sighs. "Okay, you can film it for November sweeps." Big grins and high-fives break out.

The next afternoon around quitting time, the three interns meet with Mr. Trump for Their first day evaluation. Gates, Steinbrenner and Ewing wait expectantly. Murdock did not show, and called the network representative who invited him to help his competition's ratings a "ballsy sheila". Trump walks in and opens his briefcase, pretending to read something important as he pauses to make the interns nervous.

"All of you have done well today," Trump begins, looking up. "Except for you, Mr. Gates, I understand you spent five straight hours playing minesweeper on a company computer. You're fired.

"No I'm not," responds Gates, looking relaxed and happy.

"You're not?" replies Trump.

"I command you not to fire me," responds Gates, with a smug grin. He leans forward on his elbows. "You recently clicked yes on the User-End agreement for some Microsoft Software. I wonder, did you read directive four?"

Trump looks indignant. "Directive Four?"

"As usual, nobody reads the agreement, they just click yes!" Gates exclaims. "Directive four states that you may never disobey a command from a Microsoft executive, and failure to obey will result in forfeiture of all assets to the Microsoft Corporation. How do you think I acquired so many competitors?"

Donald Trump becomes quite pail with shock. "OK, you're not fired."

Pleas Join us next week for a new season of The Intern, with your host, Bill Gates. Same MicroTime, Same MicroChannel.

- I. Phill Kuntz

Mighty subjugator of Apple,
Slayer of UNIX,
And ruler of all computers!

P.S When I finish university can I have a job?

- ~I hate unix~

Steinbrenner's had his moment in the sun on Seinfeld. I don't think people could stand him for real in that position on tv. Murdoch may have media savvy, but he doesn't have a tv presence himself. Trump's been in the Inquirer, Star, you name it. He's had scandals with his casinos, which have his name all over them. Gates has had scandals, been in the Inquirer and other such reputable magazines, and his product is so well known that it may as well have his name in it. However, Gates is only allowed apprentices that are demon tested, Satan approved. That leaves JR, a fictional character that made the ladies swoon. He's someone the networks can mold, and he's got a huge fanbase. Hell, I even know of guys who watched Dallas, that's charisma right there. You can't beat that. Plus, just like Trump, he's got one hell of a head topping.

- Pareeha

Shane, Mark, Hotbranch with the exclamation point, Paul. I can't believe you did not include a certain real estate developer mogul who has fabulous hair and just happens to be tremendously sexy to the ladies.

You're all fired.

Please exit through the front door of my casino, which I think we can all agree is, without a doubt, absolutely fabulous, simply the best.

- Donald "Budo" Trump

So long as the winner doesn't look like he combs his hair with a salad fork or garden claw, I'll be happy.

- Moneo

Gold Digging Wives will be the only real winners here.

- Spiffy Elite Shadow Warrior and Future Master of You Pathetic Organ Sacs

Sorry, guys. According to The Onion, Bill Gates gets half of the entire world's possessions, including "ice cream" and "cool cars." Not to mention, in the 4 June, 1999 issue of TIME Magazine, he gets God himself on his side after creating Stained Glass Windows, and donates a million shekels a week to the church. Thee is no contest here. I'd pick God and ice cream over any of these other guys.

The others shouldn't get discouraged, though. There are runner-up prizes in order: Murdoch receives a voucher for a three-day stay at Trump Undersea Colonies. Steinbrenner is offered a janitorial job on the new Trump Space Station. And Ewing is appointed the Secretary of the Interior of the brand-new Trump: the Country (formerly Mongolia).

- king rex the first

I can tell you who definitely won't be winning this match: Bill Gates.

Why, you ask?

The guy's got more money than he knows what to do with. I once read somewhere that he makes so much money PER SECOND, that if he saw a $100 dollar bill on the ground, he'd actually lose money in the few seconds required to pick it up! Obviously, he's not going to stick around for this match. The prize at the end wouldn't cover the cash he lost while playing!

And Steinbrenner won't stick around either. He'll be too busy worshipping, I mean, skillfully guiding the Yankees to another pennant. Yeah. That's what I mean.

So the job comes down to the two men who need it the most, based on monetary concerns, and (let's face it) name recognition.

J.R. Ewing was a ruthless businessman...twenty years ago! Bring this guy back to run a 21st century company, and it'll be bankrupt in a week. What the hell would a pre-yuppie CEO know about running a post- dot-com-boom business?

So, surprisingly, the job goes to Rupert Murdoch. Very surprisingly. Isn't there anyone else that can do this job? I know he gave the world the Simpsons, but still...

- Scotty J. - My tagline can beat up your tagline!

After I read your commentaries I thought that the winner will be Gates, the Master of Hell himself (tm) but then I remember an interesting fact: HE WAS SO SCARED OF HOMER INTERNET BUSINESS THAT HE BOUGHT IT AND THEN DESTROY IT. A business made by Homer!!! That shows that Gates lost his powers before Flanders and now is only a Hellīs minion. How do you expect that he can guide that reality show if he is afraid of Homer. I donīt care who wins at the end, but Iīm sure that Gates will be the first one in hear: YOU ARE FIRED!

- Yokoyawa "Lizard Lord of Nonsense" and writing for first time a grudge answer

Being non-American, I don't know who Steinbrenner or Ewing are. But I'll gladly vote them over Gates and Murdoch anytime. Ever seen Murdoch's business manner? Definately not show type, not even for a show like "The Apprentice". He'll wind up blaming everyone else for his failures, rant bombastically about his successes, blame everyone for being an idiotic, limited-view morons when he presents new ideas they don't accept and of being harebrained idiots when they present ideas he doesn't like. IOW, the Apprentice from Hell.

What will really blow his chances are the fact that while Trump was harsh but fair, Murdoch is a sour curmudgeon whose brain fossilized twenty years back. Pretty soon, the show fails as nobody makes it beyond the first round, and ratings drop. Trump promptly gives him the boot.

And Gates? Sure, he might be evil, but he doesn't have that "TV Presentable" look. Trump has it written all over him. I mean, seriously, the only reason Gates is so feared is because he's dealing with other keyboard nuts. Programmers are not exactly imposing figures. And Gates would most likely try to keep a low profile in order to avoid the ridicule.

That leaves the other two. And Ewing is more imposing, thus more TV Presentable. He wins.

- The Saint

This is how it works.

Murdoch dispatches memos to the people at FOX Network telling the anchors to characterize Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates as "wishy- washy, French, child-molesting liberals." Soon we see, on every show on the FNC--

O'Reilly: Now, I'm not a democrat or a republican but some people have said that Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates are wishy-washy, French, child-molesting liberals.

Hannity: So, child-molesting, French, wishy-washy liberals, huh?
Colmes: Well actually that doesn't make any sen--
Hannity: You're wrong.
Colmes: Oh, okay.

Soon the mainstream media is starting to pick it up--

Katie Couric: It's been reported that Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates are quote-unquote "wishy-washy, liberal, French child-molesters". We'll talk about that today, followed by a man who says he can talk to poodles, Jay Leno promoting his new cook book, and a little girl.

Tom Brokaw: Good evening. Tonight we start off with allegations that Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates, famed billionares, are in fact French, child-molesting, liberal and wishy washy. We have with us Tim Fredrick, author of "FEAR: Billionares Who Are Scum"

Eventually everyone will be talking about this and how disgusting they are, and The Donald will really have no choice but to go with the least offensive choice, Rupert Murdoch.

- -The Mattly One

[Dan Rather, is that you again? - Eds.]


I figure Trump, Gates, Murdoch, Steinbrenner and Ewing will all be eager for the head of FOX to host a high-rating show on NBC. That way Hell will be nice and frozen over when they get there.

- Derelictman

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Ross Perot v. Montgomery Burns
Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley
Microsoft v. Disney

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Next Match: Bi-George.
ETA: September 27, 2004

© 2004, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC