Then comes a loud knock at the door. Cliff Hoffa is never heard from again.
A few anonymous witnesses report two sets of what appeared to be "hired goons" removing Mr. Hoffa forcibly from his home, although most of the neighbors denied seeing "anything unusual". Coincidentally, the next day, both Microsoft, Inc. (tm) and the Walt Disney Corporation (tm) file suit against Hoffa's estate claiming that they deserve the $100,000 in profits.
And thus the legal battle begins. Splitting the money is NOT an option. Only one conglomerate will come away with the ill-gotten funds. But which?
There are two primary reasons for this. The first is the intrinsic nature of Microsoft's computer business. With their zillions of copies of Windows 95 (tm) ("Last year's operating system") and Word (tm), they will be able to produce vast amounts of useless legal documents, writs, contracts, precedents, and Legal Hogwash (tm). Paper company stock prices will skyrocket. The effect will be that the court will be so swamped with useless paperwork that they may just decide it's not worth it to continue fighting. Disney will give up in disgust, unable to counter with truckloads of Mickey Mouse (tm) watches and Donald Duck (tm) floatation rings.
In addition, it wouldn't surprise me if the courtroom computers themselves use Windows 95 (tm). A little known feature of this OS is that it is unable to process legal documents in which Microsoft loses. Hence, even with a decision against Microsoft, the computers will print out that Microsoft won. Victory to Microsoft!
BRIAN: As usual, Steve, you only analyze half the story. True, the Microsoft barage of paper will help clog up the legal proceedings. But if we learned ANYTHING from the O.J. Trial (tm) it was that judges today are becoming more and more intolerant of time delaying tactics and irrelevant displays; Microsoft's scheme will only push the judge towards Disney's side. Also, courtroom computers are irrelevant. Sure, top notch Southern California courtrooms may have computers, but I don't think the upper penisula of Michigan is that well stocked (and I don't see this civil trial being moved out of the county). Nothing there but old ladies on those really small, skinny typewriters.
What's the real factor here? Money? No. It's principle. We're talking about $100,000 here! That's peanuts to these guys!! When it comes down to money, Microsoft is the king of evil. Everyone on the internet knows this. But Bill Gates didn't get where he is with foolish investments; clearly the hundred grand isn't worth the legal costs it would take to get it. Microsoft's efforts will be half-hearted and will fall well short of Disney's. Why? Because Disney is led by principal. They won't stand for the fact that anyone uses their name and image illegally. They once sued a national scouting organization for trademark infringements! (True story!) That is hardly a money making scheme. Disney wins out simply because they want it more, even though they end up losing money in the deal.
STEVE: Brian, you were right about Microsoft being evil. Too right. However, this evil extends so far that Microsoft will indeed win. You see, Bill Gates (The "Head Honcho" of Microsoft) is none other than Satan himself. Do I sense some disbelief? Behold the evidence! It is irrefutable. Bill Gates and his lawyers ("minions") will make legal mincemeat out of Disney.
Keep in mind that this is not the friendly "Ned Flanders" Satan, and this lawsuit is no simple "Forbidden Donut". Not only does Satan want the money that is rightfully his, but he wants to do away with those do-gooder cartoon characters as well. The Disney characters are known for spreading joy to children. This is something Microsoft cannot stand for. Instead they prefer underhanded acts such as "General Protection Faults" and sub-moronic childrens computer games. It is even possible that Microsoft will attempt an additional lawsuit against Disney, claiming Disney has stolen the "look and feel" of Windows. Gates will not stop until Disney is defeated!
BRIAN: That little "proof" of yours is cute, Steve, but woefully irrelevant. Let's just say that Gates is, in fact, Beelzebub, Lord of the Underworld (tm). Where your argument falls apart is with the assumption that Satan could defeat Disney! The Omen (tm) movies clearly show that world domination, when attempted by the Prince of Darkness (tm), is doomed to failure. Disney, however, is already well on its way to world domination. Or maybe their creation of a "World" and a "Land" isn't convincing enough for you? When you consider their recent foothold in Europe it is truly frightening. The worst aspect of all: they control our children. What better way to gain control of the world but with subliminal messages fed to an entire generation through mega-movie hits? Have you ever seen "Village of the Damned", Steve? It will be even worse. And when the children begin taking over, Walt Disney himself, who's body has been in deep freeze since his death, will be revived to lead the way to his "Community of Tomorrow" (but this won't be just an "Experimental Prototype"). Surely I can't be the only one that knows about this.
World domination aside, though, Steve, let's consider the legal matters. Gates may get all the press, but he's small time. Disney knows all the tricks. Why, just the other day, I was perusing through their home page and came across this Legal Notice. You have to read this thing just to look at their web page! Imagine what could happen when their copyrights are directly violated!! Oh, the horror!
But the most important thing to remember here is that, regardless of who wins this battle, either of these companies would eat the WWF and its weakling lawyers alive any day of the week!
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We, the faithful minions of our Dark Lord, Bill Gates, bow to his Lordship's superiority. Know that as foot soldiers in his quest to conquer the world, mere animated rodents pose no threat to us.
Join us or perish.
- Chris Foster
Consider the gall a company needs to copyright two letters of the alphabet and then sue people who use it because it's part of their last name. Only McDonalds with their Mc(tm) has ever attempted anything like that. Ever heard of McPizza or McShoes or McComputers? NEVER! Even someone named McDonald can't use an Mc(tm) in their company name because McDonalds' McLawyers(tm) have legally slaughtered anyone who has ever attempted it.
Now consider this. Microsoft and Disney sue each other and it's splashed all over the press. The McLawyers(tm), who are in a really bad mood after losing the infamous "I burned myself with hot coffee between the legs with no cap in a moving car and I need $5 million case," snap. MiCkey mouse? MiCrosoft? That "i" is an obvious but pathetic attempt to avoid a copyright violation! Within hours, the McLawyers(tm) are in McCourt(tm) and McKicking(tm) McAss(tm). Disney and Microsoft will be happy if they can stay in business, never mind the $100,000. Meanwhile, Ronald McDonald and Grimce McKick(tm) Mickey Mouse's and Bill Gates' McButts(tm). McDonalds claims TOTAL VICTORY!
Scary thought, isn't it?
- Paul Golba
Rusty: "All rise. The People's Copyright Court (tm) is now in session. The honorable Judge Wapner is presiding." Judge Wapner: "I have read the statements for both parties. I will now listen to your arguments." Bill Gates: "Thanks you, your honor. It is imperative that we be awarded the entirety of Mr. Hoffa's estate..." JW: "Rusty, who's the pimply-faced geek?" BG: "Surely, your honor, you must know who I am?" JW: "No." BG: "I am the best-selling author of `The road ahead', my software runs 90% of the world's computers, I am a God to the world's technophiles..." JW: "`The road ahead'? Computers? Really, Rusty, who's the geek?" BG: "My name is Bill Gates, your honor. I am the founder of Microsoft. One of the plaintiffs in this case." JW: "I see. Where are your lawyers, Mr. Gates?" BG: "They are busy working out the bugs in Microsoft Lawsuit (tm) for Windows 95 (tm). Since it's my company, I'll be representing Microsoft." JW: "Very well. Where is the founder of Disney Inc.?" Disney Lawyer: "Beneath center ice at the Duck Pond (tm) sir." JW: "Center ice?" DL: "Yes, sir. It's where the Mighty Ducks (tm) of Anaheim play hockey in the NHL, sir." JW: "Will Mr. Disney be joining us?" DL: "Uh no, sir. He's in a cryogenic state, awaiting medical advances that will enable doctors to revive him." JW: "Does Disney have anyone present who is able to make a statement?" Michael Eisner: "Yes, your honor. That would be me. I am Michael Eisner, CEO and annoying busybody (tm) of Disney Inc." JW: "Tell me, Mr. Eisner, why is Disney interested in siezing the assets of the Hoffa estate?" ME: "Disney wishes to maintain the strictest control over the quality of any product bearing the Disney name. We have the exclusive worldwide rights to crappy products with the Disney name; if anyone else starts to produce crap under our banner, we'll be forced to improve the quality of our products. The loss of our monopoly would reduce attendance at our theme parks and jeopardize development plans for Antarctica Disney (tm)." JW: "Mr. Gates, why is Microsoft staking a claim to Mr. Hoffa's estate?" BG: "Because Microsoft is a megalomaniacal corporation, wishing to rule the entire software world." JW: "In English..." BG: "We're assholes, your honor." JW: "Mr. Eisner, do you have any more arguments to present?" ME: "Yes, your honor, we do. Disney owns the ABC (tm) television network and we have a signed affadavit from the Nielsen (tm) family stating that we are `America's most watched network' (tm)." JW: "Mr. Gates, do you have anything to add?" BG: "Your honor, we have reached a deal with the NBC network which is a small stepping stone before we acquire the network outright. Given our iminent network ownership status, we are willing to have this entire suit settled by having Maria Shriver mudwrestle against Barbara Walters." JW: "That won't be necessary, I've reached my verdict. The entire Hoffa estate is awarded to CBS because Angela Lansbury gives me a woody..."
Doug Llewellyn: "There you have it folks, another surprising decision on The People's Court (tm)."
- Heather >:)
Just ask Apple...
- Dr. Mel Martinez The Johns Hopkins University Dept. of Physics
Brian has a valid point about old frozen Walt. His logic fell a bit short, however. While Old Walt is returning to take over our children's minds, Brian failed to realize that his true form is that of Lucifer himself!
Lucifer would never destroy his son. Thus, after destroying the state of Michigan's court system, Microsoft and Disney will anounce a merger. Thereafter, Gates (i.e. the Beast) will revive Walt (i.e. Daddy) and together they will do battle against the savior (Apple computer: note the garden of Eden is in Northern Ca - the damn apple is still there, with a bite out of it no less!).
Buy Macs you fools before we are all doomed!!!
- David Kenzer
BTW-All reference to Disney and Microsoft are COPYRIGHT their respective owners! I don't need sued...I'm just a humble apprentice art director with nary the cash to even eat ramen noodles!
Editor's Note: Elmer Fudd (tm) is actually Warner Brothers (tm), not Disney (tm). Of course, maybe you assume that Disney (tm) has the proper connections which is probably a correct assumption.
- David Nix
First of all, let's abandon any hope of seeing this thing resolved in the court room. The two empires' lawyers, by themselves numbering beyond the comprehension of the most advanced supercomputers, will bring in tons and tons of legal documents, and in so doing create a heap of matter so large that it collapses beneath its own gravity well to form a black hole. Let's give these two conglomerates a big hand for such exemplary work in getting rid of lawyers.
But, with the legal arena unavailable, the fight becomes ugly. Disney, using its animatronics[TM] technology and the resources of its subsidiary, Cyberdine Systems, will quickly manufacture an army of Terminator-1000's, any one of which can act better than Arnold Shwartzenegger. Unfortunately, all of the things are running under Windoze 95, so they're out of the picture plenty quick. By the time Disney can retrofit its robotic army with OS/2 Warp[TM], the battle will be over. Microsoft soon retaliates with its own robots, manufactured in a large facility that takes up most of Wyoming. (If anyone actually lived in Wyoming, we would have noticed this and shut it down.) Bill Gates, who wisely never upgraded and kept his mechanical infantry running DOS 5.0, sweeps over into California to capture Disney Land. The entire surrounding state is soon under Willy's control. The rest of the nation, overjoyed to be rid of California, quickly sends their children to Quentin Terrentino film festivals to deprogram them from Disney propaganda.
The battle seems all but won as the DOS brigade sweeps through Georgia (with a brutality that recall's General Sherman's march) and approaches the outskirts of Disney World. Epcot is about to fall when Disney pulls its trump card out of a long-forgotten film vault--Tron.
Suddenly, thousands of tiny, plastic-clad, second-rate actors under black lights swarm into the recesses of the Microsoft mainframes. Using cheesy special effects and several highly explosive box office bombs, the William Gibson wannabes destroy Willy G's electronic backbone and bring his war machine to a grinding halt. From there on in, it's only a matter of a few bad song-and-dance numbers to the end of the war.
On to the Long Distance Wars,
This is when Disney comes into action. You see, the judge's kids visit him in his office and plead with him to rule in favor of Disney. Judge Tim Nance is about to sign into record his decision in favor of MicroSludge when his oldest child grabs his wrist in a grip of iron, and pins him to his chair while his other kids force the Judge to swallow a strange pill and place a most unusual device in his ear.
Minutes later, he walks into the courtroom and awards the 3 million dollars ($100,000 plus the interest gained during the trial) to Disney. The next day he takes his kids to Disneyland, complements of Michael Eisner III, Disney's CEO. He never finds out about the secret mind control devices placed in every Disney doll made since the trial began, and likewise he forgets that anything unusual happened in his office the day before.
- Brian Blovett
The reason why is quite simple. Apple Computer will file countersuits in this case faster than Johnie Cochran can say "look and feel." Apple's legal department can't stand it when a big court case comes up and they're not involved. They have the best trained, most vicious lawyers in the industry. (You think Disney's legal notices are rough? Try reading the one Apple ships with System 7.5.1.) You see, Apple will sue because Mickey Mouse is 'obviously' a copyright infringement on Apple's new Mac OS 'happy face' logo (in System 7.5.1), and Windows '95 is 'obviously' Microsoft's thinly-disguised copy of Macintosh System 6.0.8.
The sad part about this tale is that the case will never, ever, reach a conclusion. By the time Judge Ito (yes, he will be selected for this one) reaches a decision, the Mac OS logo, Windows '95, and Mickey Mouse's image will all have been updated to newer, better versions, making any decision on the case impossible.
The Mac OS logo included with System 8.1.4 will look strangely like a half-completed morph of Donald Duck and Bill Gates. Windows '97 will be released in May 1988 (shipping on 9 CD-ROM installer discs) and will look and feel exactly like Macintosh System 7.1. Mickey Mouse's image will change to reflect the times -- he'll be dressing in 'Kurt Cobain Memorial' flannel outfits and Ru Paul inspired wigs.
Eventually public interest in the case will peter out, and the war in the courts will rage on, unnoticed, for millenia to come.
- Russ Arcuri
P.S. Walt Disney was NOT frozen after he died -- he was cremated.
So YOU say...
- Mike Jackson
My prediction; based on the above: Gates is mopping puke up from the dark interiors of Space Mountain within a month;)
And that's just the beginning of Disney's insidiousness. No one seems to care that they sue at the slightest provocation while stealing stories from other writers (yes, The Lion King was stolen from Japan). Meanwhile, Disney buys up movie companies (Did you know that Color of Night and Pulp Fiction were Disney flicks?) and T.V. stations. Not only that, but they are building their theme-park/staging centers all over the planet. When Disney Moscow shows up, we're doomed! Just wait for the blacksuited minions in mouse-ears to come streaming out of those parks to conquer the planet. You know, those spires on Cinderella's castle look suspiciously like missiles. They're going to take over the world and force everyone to be happy all the time under penalty of death.
I don't care what legal power or paper avalanches Microsoft uses, they can't fight Disney. Disney has already brainwashed most of the planet. Save yourselves. Warner Brothers forever!
- Alan Decker
- Edward B. Cohen
- Chris Varnadoe
I'll admit its fun as anything, but Microsoft isn't even in the same marketing level. How many competitors do they have for OS as opposed to Disney who has how many? When it comes to P.R. Disney has them beat.
So when Judge and Jury walk in they already know who the favorite is, but when-ever things look like they're going bad for Disney, Eisner is going to have them pump in the sound-track of Disney's Greatest hits at a subliminal level. How can anyone NOT remember the good old Disney flicks and feel that yes, they _should_ get the money from the screen saver of Bambi's mother getting shot by the hunter with the M-16.
As a final tactic, whenever Microsoft gets up to speak Disney will pipe in "Its a Small World After All" ad-infinitum, thus garenteeing the Judge and Jury will be annoyed and angry.
No contest. Once the Jury goes into deliberations, Disney in 2 minutes.
- Donald W. Shinners
- Ted Miller
But either way, whoever wins will probably buy the loser. Just because.
- Dave Israel
- Cory Davis
For example: The Hayes Comission (the Motion Pictures Associate of America) of the early days of cinema once prevented Disney from showing a cow's udders (too lewd)
or consider: Disney v. The Mickey Mouse Mafia Society. Who can forget the first-class drubbing of the Mafia lawyers?
What does Microsoft have?
One squeeker of a win in the "look and feel" litagation war.
A spanking from the Commerce department.
The road ahead may be full of convient information access brought to you by Microsoft, but for now its a Disney world.
- William Li
- William Eckman
- The PulpDoggie
- Bobby Clarke
They're evil evil evil. And the computer I'm using has their software. Damn.
First, Windows successfully ripped off the ease-of-use features of the Macintosh computer. Second, we know that the Mac users are a rebel underground group, still struggling for power. Ever see the comic strips depicting the Mac users as a rival gang? They may try to intervene and sway the decision away from anything connected to the PCs, but they will not win! Gates continues to take ideas from them...long file names, indeed!
after all, why do you think all the files for the programs go under the WIN directory?
Much like the hierarchy of the crown in England, only those who are certified, Disney-U-educated, non-dangling-earring-wearing, non-facial-haired, trained Disnified automatons can even discuss or touch any Disney property. NO ONE can handle the "Character Costumes" except the individuals trained and authorized to appear as THE specific character they have been entrusted to represent (...after no doubt signing another hefty release for the privilege). NO ONE entering the Disney "family" (dysfunctional as it may arguably be), whether top-level executive or summer hire daffodil duster does so without extensive schooling at DISNEY University where you memorize hundreds of pieces of trivia, like the fact that the DisneyWorld property is about the size of the island of Manhattan. (Think about THAT for a minute)
Therefore, Disney outweighs MicroSoft in terms of overall REACH, PARANOIA and CONTROL. "Experts" testifying on behalf of Microsoft will see their children come home from school crying because an ACTUAL DISNEY CHARACTER threatened them with never being allowed into Disneyland again. Televisions belonging to MicroSoft sympathizers will have "sad Mickey" faces on them, where before were the laughing, pastel colors of The Disney Channel. Hundreds of "Lion King" videos will mysteriously vaporize after purchase, leaving impressionable young hearts to beg daddy "not to kill Simba anymore."
Bending to family emotional pressure, key witnesses and attorneys studying and researching the case will begin dropping away. But some will be strong. Before long those will begin to go through "Disney Withdrawal," listlessly wandering around America's mini-malls whistling "It's A Small World" and trying to recapture the magic.
You think Disney can't control the information we get from them??? They can turn us off like a faucet. All those years of compiling profiles and databases on every man, woman and child devouring products from the "Happiest Place On Earth" will finally pay off. They've always had the information in case they need to use it.
M - I - C -- go see if your Mommy's still breathing K - E - Y -- why? Because she's made Mickey very unhappy M - O - U - S - E
Thanks for the Web Site. I'll be back.
Now, instead of being guided around their computers by some dork named Bob, we are insteaded treated to Mickey and all of his cartoon friends showing illiterate schmucks (or Macintosh users) how to use their PC's.
While neither wins the $100,000 suit, each side makes millions as Microsoft Mickey becomes the biggest-selling software title since "Doom 3 - Puppies and Kittens explode vigorously."
Like the page, keep it up!
True, we see that Gates is Satan. Or is he? Evil ever tries to make itself look cute and fuzzy and nonthreatening. Bill is anything but. But DISNEY...just LOOK how powerful they are! People that would faint about seeing a spider don't think twice when they see HUGE, MUTAGENIC MICE, GIANT TALKING DUCKS WITHOUT PANTS and SEVEN INBRED MIDGETS WITH PICKAXES!!! It's mind control of the worst kind! NO!
But alas, Gates and all his legal might will come to naught, when finally, Disney does a movie about the plight of the farmer in the 1930's "dust bowl"...
..Conan the Agrarian.
We are all damned.
- Mike Farahbakhshian
- Jack Dracula
(In all honestly, I'm writing this on a Windows '95 (motto: "We already own you. Give up now.") machine, so I am being mentally compelled to write this this way. But I would still agree. Honest.
But Microsoft may indeed have the last laugh. Look for "Mighty Mouse's (tm) Windows '96 for kids" coming soon to your computer store... once they figure out the codes.
- Brett Roth
While Disney may have a billion children to support them, Microsoft has millions of nerds behind it. With that many nerds it wouldn't be long before somebody perfected MS MouseTrap for Window (TM).
Mickey goes for the cybercheese triggering the bar which comes flying at his neck from behind (SNAP). His neck breaks, he squirms and shakes for a second and Disney is defeated.
Revenge of the nerds V, don't fuck with us mouse!
- Bob Treiger
- false god
Pre-trial tactics: DISNEY: Annoyance factor. Pipe "It's a Small World" and _Aladdin_ outtakes with Gilbert Gottfried into the opposition's bedrooms at 3 am. MICROSOFT: Messing with financial records, legal briefs, etc. through their foothold into computer networks. Advantage: Microsoft, but not by much. Lawyers: DISNEY: Akin to the giant squid: lithe, tricky, omnipresent with its long tentacles. MICROSOFT: Like rabid pit bulls, strong and eager to kill quickly. Advantage: Even. Public Relations: DISNEY: Popular with Republicans (sometimes) and the kiddie set. MICROSOFT: Even a baby knows _at birth_ that they're EVIL! Eeeeevil! Satanic, Republican, Clayton Forrester evil! They REEK it! Advantage: Disney. Intimidation Factor: DISNEY: Low. Their mascot's a MOUSE, for Chrissakes! MICROSOFT: HIGHHIGHHIGHHIGH. The very name strikes fear into the most stalwart hearts, albeit for varying reasons. Advantage: Microsoft. Support Network: DISNEY: Millions of kids worldwide, and their parents' pocketbooks. Scary costumed animals. The large anti-Gates contingent (meaning 90% of computer users). MICROSOFT: Anything they can mess with on the Net, and similar resources (e.g. judges they can blackmail with material they find there, or similar: "Judge, how'd you like the IRS to suddenly find you owe them $3 million in back taxes?"). Software companies under their thumb; Microsoft is a master of buyouts. Can gain support of Windows users by promising to be as good as the Macintosh (or the secret program high ranking Microsoft officials are given to make Windows '95 actually GOOD). Advantage: Microsoft, by a nose. Commentary: DISNEY: Walt being frozen is an urban myth, Brian! I thought you knew better! Besides which, Microsoft's fighting for principle too: FEAR. To defeat Disney would be a major feather in their cap, spread their rep. And what makes you think Microsoft ain't inching towards world domination just as much as Disney? MICROSOFT: Steve, your proof did it for me. Microsoft IS a Satanic operation, just as much as ol' Lewis Vendredi's store. Not to mention the Simpsons evocation, which I've seen can add a LOT to one side or another. And while evil never gets ultimate victory, it still gets quite a few more minor ones along the line. Look at the '94 elections. Advantage: Microsoft. WINNER: Microsoft, leaving Gates with another few dozen souls to add to his growing collection.
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
Disney's strategy was to populate the jury with the 5th grade level achievers that always seem to comprise the group of "peers" in such high profile cases. The Disney lawyers were dazzling during the selection process and rebuffed all Microsoft's attempts to seat a juror who actually knew the meaning of the letters "OS". At this point, after searching for those two letters in a computer dictionary, the TV courtroom pundits unanimously agreed that Microsoft faced an uphill battle.
The early and middle stages of the trial completely favored the Disney juggernaut as they steamrolled the Microsoft lawyers. The Disney lawyers relied on name recognition and this point was reinforced by wearing Mickey Mouse ears throughout the trial (Microsoft's objections were overturned). The jurors continually saw those ears on the Hoffa product logo and eventually made the connection! When Disney lawyers noticed an actual gleam in the jurors eyes they pushed for a quick end to the proceedings.
At this point, Microsoft lawyers had only received bovine-like stares from the jury as they pressed their copyright infringement case based on technological grounds. They sensed doom after seeing the twinkle produced by Disney lawyers.
In a frantic all night session Microsoft lawyers were visited by a mysterious stranger who revealed the path to success. The next morning Microsoft lawyers motioned that all further deposition be sealed. The trial was thrown into disarray for several days. Strenuous Disney objections did not quiet even after the disappearance of key team members. Disney was cowered into submission after a few non-vital body parts arrived at Disney headquarters and disturbingly accurate rumors of Hoffa's whereabouts surfaced.
All public access to the proceedings were barred as the Microsoft lawyers made sure the jurors knew the meaning of the term "mickey mouse". Once assured, the jurors were provided with a Windows '95 platform and a Mac from the now defunct Apple Computer Inc. Under expert tutelage, the jurors were asked to use various office suite programs and told to tally the number of times each machine stopped working. They connected peripherals and then attempted to use them. After an afternoon of using Windows '95, Microsoft lawyers convinced the jurors that they could in fact claim infringement on two fronts. The terms "mickey mouse" and "OS" now had meaning to the jurors and they understood that two infringements are greater than one. Disney lawyers had no further trump cards and Microsoft left victorious.
Postscript: The stinging defeat left Disney with the burning desire to make known the true proceedings of the courtroom. To date, all those in the know with a desire to go public have disappeared. Go figure.
- Dr. Joe
Disney will counterclaim that because Windows(TM.) is the dominant op sys for the IBM PC and it is used on 99% of all of the pc's on the planet, this pirated product will do no damage since there is no other comercially available product that could take the place of Windows. Disney will also subtly hint that Microsoft was secretly involved with Mr. Hoffa as they were able to locate him and neutralize his production of this product. Knowledge of said activity because Mr Hoffa was none other than a Windows(TM.) Beta tester. A beta tester that was developing a version the microsoft product that could be used to influence the loyalties of young children and make them converts to the cause of Microsoft.
Microsoft will claim slander and an enraged Bill gates will get into a court- room fight with Mike Eisener. This fight will result in a nationally televised court battle with both sides using all available communication medium to win people to their respective causes. As both sides leave the court and go back to their companies, the battle is readied. Disney will begin an attack campaign against Microsoft as they unveil a new exihibit modeled on the 1982 movie TRON. The exihibit will be called Epcopsoft and features rides, games and characters based on people and lives ruined by microsoft.
Microsoft retaliates by secretly building into all of their products, including Windows(TM.) a subliminal message telling people to hate and boycott all Disney products. News of this feature is leaked by overworked nerds who are upset that Melinda French would not talk to them before she was married to Bill Gates. disney responds by suing and hiring the Fruit of Islam (Protection serivce or rather, goon squad of Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan) to protect them. this is done as numerous psychotics and other loser attack Disney property due to the subliminal messages in the Microsoft products.
In a suprise move, Microsoft buys the entire Department of Defense and uses the federal dept to protect them. as the nation is split between microsoft and disney, neighborhoods are split. In L.A. the Bloods adopt microsoft as their favorite company while the Cripts make friends with Disney. At Microsoft, whole rallies are staged as Disney toys and other merchandise are burned to show loyalty to chairman Gates. At this time, Gates little white book on Windows(TM.) is unveiled. A book supposedly on how to use Windows(TM. honestly, I gotta use this symbol or the M.M.I.B.'s will get me) more effectively. Historians will document this little publication as the instrument of Gates rise to power in a totalitarian state west of the Mississippi.
Meanwhile Disney has not lost any time in preparing it's own defenses. Disney uses its extensive communications resources to rally third world opinion to its case. It also manipulates the UN to recognize them as the legitimate government of the United States. Disney manages to convince NATO to send Troops to protect them, much like in Bosnia. They also manage to convince then ruler of russia, Vladimir Zhirinovsky to come to their aid. Disney manages this by agreeing to let mr. Zhirinovsky marry Snow White.
As the two sides continue to circle each other, a random incident occurs that sends both sides to attack each other with everything they have. Not much of civilization remains after the exchange. and later on a chance encounter between a bearskin clad Bill Gates (yes, his glasses survive the holocaust) with a sabertooth tiger skin wearing Michael Eisener results in a stone axe fight, where the two litigants pick up again. IN the end, everyone loses. My vote is for disney because I can't stand that stuffed-shirt harvard undergrad bill gates.
There WILL be a worldwide news conference held late in the afternoon by Mr. Gates and Mr. Eisner. Why later in the afternoon? This gives some time for Billy Boy to gather his thoughts after a morning news conference when he informs the world of Microsoft's purchase of NBC. Now Microsoft rules the computer industry and a sizable chunk of the television market. What's next you ask?
Yes, there will be no trial because Microsoft will BUY Disney and all its possessions and trademarks and add it to its own bloated hulk.
Microsoft now = computer industry + television + films and entertainment industry.
Our only hope now is if, 10 years from now, a small outlaw firm of renegade network hacks called 'Novell' sends a cyborg back through time to kill Cliff Hoffa before this horror story of global domination ever takes place.
Hmmm, can I change my vote to 'Novell'?
- Paul C.
1. Microsoft will run out of money way before Disney, I know, my daughter is making me finance a major portion of the Disney corporation already. So far she hasn't shown any inclination to purchase Microsoft products(another piece of anecdotal evidence of baby wisdom). So it comes down to the fact that most parents will support Disney, just to keep their kids from driving them crazy.
2. Disney will be able to force paper producers to cut off shipments to Microsoft. How? By threatening to produce a new character called Timmy Tree. This character would be so cute that it would be a public relations disaster to harm a tree (see Bambi for a similar case study.) The paper producers are well aware of this danger after the spotted owl debate (and remember the spotted owl won without being enhanced by the magical Disney studios) so they will knuckle under to Disney. Microsoft will then only be able to send the court electronic documents. The court will become so annoyed trying to read all this e-garbage that they will find for Disney.
3. If the magical Disney studios can make a rat one of our cultural icons, they should have no problems transforming their legal department into something non-repulsive. Their magic will make their lawyers look nearly human. Microsoft on the other hand will have regular lawyers, who will be covered with a visible layer of slime. The jury will be completely swayed by the digitally enhanced counsel from Disney.
The moment will come when Disney's mesmerized minions will be commanded to battle those of Microsoft. There will be blood throughout the streets of the world. Then, those servants of Mickey Mouse who remain alive, and there will be millions of them, shall all converge on Seattle, and invade Microsoft's headquarters. Again, there may be some blood, as Bill's high-tech robot guards will be in the way, but there aren't enough of them to defeat about a fifth of the world's population. Mr. Gates shall be trampled to death, and it will be Disney's world. Any aliens who come here as a response to the Voyager message will find a completely different world, and may themselves fall prey to Mickey's hypnotic powers. The conquest of the universe will have begun.....
- L. Wilkes
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