Bill Dwyer: "Welcome back to BattleBots. Tim, it's been a long road for these two competitors, but they finally made it to the Season 6.0 Final Match."
Tim Green: "That's right, Bill, it all comes down to this. We've seen some pretty vicious fights in some of the earlier rounds, but nothing, I am sure, will compare to this. Carmen, would you like to introduce the match-up for tonight?"
Carmen Electra: "Thanks Tim. First up tonight from Team Planet Express is Bender, the two-legged Mexican robot. Planet Express must have some nasty trick up their sleeve today because they've been filling him with alcohol for the past six hours.
"The second competitor is Johnny #5, built by Newton Crosby and his friend Ben Jabituya. His battle cry, 'Number Five is Alive!' has served this tank-treaded terror well in the Tournament and tonight will be no exception.
"These two robots look to be ready for a nasty fight as they enter the BattleBox, our custom built 35-ton thunderdome. Moments from now, one competitor will be crowned BotBout Champion and the other will be tossed in the dumpster behind the studio."
So Brendan, which of these surly, silicon soldiers will smash their opponent into smoldering scrap metal?
Haven't heard of Battlebots before? Click here for background information.
BRENDAN: To determine the winner of this slugfest, it is once again necessary to look to that greatest of all sources of human wisdom, G.I. Joe. And what does G.I. Joe have to teach us? That knowing is half the battle.
Knowing is half the battle... Which means that Johnny Five has to win this match. If it's been written, he's read it. He's probably already read the complete set of Bender's schematics, and thus he already knows all of Bender's vulnerabilities. That knowledge, coupled with his remote control capabilities, will let Johnny activate Bender's Loyalty Circuits, and make Bender his bitch.
But even assuming that option isn't open to Johnny, there's still the other half of the battle, repeated blunt trauma to your opponent's head, and Johnny has that covered as well. He has military training, he's been a member of a New York street gang, he's triumphed over not only the NYPD but even over the entire military-industrial complex, and he has seen every episode of the Three Stooges. With that kind of training and experience, Johnny could probably even defeat the Richard Nixon cyborg. Bender will prove no challenge.
And if nothing else, Johnny could just buy Bender's body off of him for booze money. Three different ways, all leading to the same result: Bender getting disassembled.
JOE: As much as I'd like to trust G.I. Joe, I think the biggest issue we need to address here is the chronological difference between the two opponents. Bender was constructed roughly 1000 years after Johnny (which sort of precludes Mr. #5 from having Bender's schematics). Judging by the rate of technological advancement on Earth, this puts Bender head, shoulders and several thousand terabytes over his competitor. It's like comparing a brand new Gamecube to a Pong Machine. Sure, Pong is great and all, but it just doesn't measure up to Rogue Leader.
Not only is Bender more advanced, he's also stronger. If he can bend steel girders into L-shapes in about a second, how long do you think its going to take him to turn Johnny into a pretzel? One time he even bent an Unbendable girder to save his evil twin.
Bender will most likely start off the match by demoralizing Johnny. Just before the match begins he'll point over to Lucy Liu and say, "That's my girlfriend. Who do you got... Ally Sheedy?... HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then, while Number Five is sulking around on his little tank treads, Bender will bend his arms into a big bow-tie. Then, for the final, killing blow, he'll call up his old friend God (who he met while floating through space) to bring down the lightning and turn Johnny into a big pile of smoke.
BRENDAN: What? So Bender can go back in time, but a set of his schematics can't? That's exactly the kind of reasoning I would expect from one who so cavalierly discounts the teachings of G.I. Joe.
And while Bender may be from the future, that's no guarantee he's more advanced than Johnny. Bender was designed for the relatively simple task of bending things, a function that can be performed by a relatively simple robot (as was demonstrated by how Bender was still able to function in that role even after having his brain stolen by a randy bureaucrat.) Who is going to sink a thousand years worth of cybernetic advances into a robot with genocidal fantasies of destroying all humans and whose job function only requires the level of intelligence of your average hammer?
And yeah Ally Sheedy may not be much, but at least she comes complete with a body. All Bender has is Lucy Liu's head. He managed to get the part of a woman that never shuts up, while somehow missing out on all the fun parts. (Getting scammed that badly suggests a level of functioning well below that of your average hammer.)
And given that it was a lightning strike that gave Johnny sentience in the first place, further lightning strikes will doubtlessly end up making him even more powerful. But at least Bender can look forward to being reunited with his old friend God again, on the other side.
JOE: Amidst all that Lucy Liu bashing (I'd watch your back for that, by the way -- Charlie's Angels don't like it when you disrespect one of them), I didn't hear anything about how exactly Johnny is going to be able to avoid (the relatively simple task of) getting bent.
An example of Bender being more advanced is: he's got legs, which make him more mobile and agile than his counterpart. The BattleDome has all kinds of traps that wreak havoc upon unsuspecting robots. Johnny will be constantly trying to wheel around them, whereas Bender can just step over them. Also, if Johnny manages to avoid the Wrath of God, Bender has another secret weapon. He can turn himself into a vicious killer-vehicle by downloading the Were-Car virus back into his system. He'll probably save this as a last resort, however, since it will also cause the destruction of the BattleDome and, Heaven forbid, Bill Dwyer.
Lastly, since I want to avoid the wrath of fans who would be very angry
with me if I didn't point out the obvious connection to The Simpsons(TM) and
their incredible winning streak here at the Grudge Match, I'll just say that
Bender will win. Here is my proof:
1. Bender is a metalic Homer. (Matt Groening Look-Alike Character Property)
2. Homer destroys all machinery he comes in contact with. (Idiot Homer Property)
3. Johnny Five is a machine. (Given)
4. Therefore, Bender will win. (Transitive Property)
I cannot believe that you would consider benders alcoholism a handicap. Everyone knows that alcohol is an advantageous stimulant to Bender.
Here is how I see it going down. Bender pounds 3 fifths of Jack Daniels and polishes that off with two fifths of Tequila. After this outrageous amount of alcohol, Bender is blessed with some sort of super robot strength (just like I am when I am drunk). #5 is immediately overcome with fear and begins his downward spiral of short circuit after short circuit (no pun intended.)
Not long after this Bender becomes incredibly handsome (as I also do under the influence). #5 already on the ropes is dumbfounded by Benders newfound beauty (as women are with me when I am hammered). Bender sensing this weakness lures #5 in with several seducing words. That is when the hammer falls, Bender proceeds to twist and mangle #5 into some sort of multi-million dollar pile of scrap.
- Broke College Drunk
It all comes down to one question: Which kills more brain cells,
alcohol or television? A tough call. On one hand, a staggering number
of people who drink regularly have decreased brain mass. On
the other hand, a staggering number of people who watch TV regularly,
watch American Idol. ...Shudder. At the end of the day, I'd say
Bender's addiction is less damaging. He comes out on top.
- Leftomaniac ("Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto")
A longtime producer of The Simpsons was recently asked, "What does Matt Groening do on The Simpsons?" The producer replied: "About as much as Walt Disney did on Toy Story." Matt Groening, who sat around drawing Bart off-model while co-creator Sam Simon actually wrote the show, is a hero to all of us who dream of coming up with badly-drawn characters, handing them over to someone else, and then sitting back and doing nothing while money pours in for ten years. He's Bender's idol of indolence. But while Groening may put his name on both shows, his Simpsons connection is rather tenuous and has been since they left the Tracey Ullman Show. On the other hand, an IMDb search reveals that the Executive Producer of Short Circuit was John W. Hyde -- who is, as of this writing, the Animation Producer for The Simpsons. Therefore:
Bender ~= Guy Who Puts His Name On The Simpsons = Minimal Advantage
There you have it. You just can't argue with that squiggly ~ thing.
- Captain Corcoran
What's in a name? Let's see...
Bender: all night drinking binge,resulting in memory loss, vomiting, and, in males, certain side effects in the bedroom; often ends with your ex posting bail.
#5: eight or twelve pack chicken nugget combo at Chick-Fil-A; includes waffle potato fries and a medium soft drink.
Now I don't know about you, but the last thing that I need is a visit from my ex.
Okay, lets see now...
Prior Experience :
Need I go on. As Leela's martial arts master would have put it, Johnny 5 not only lacks the will of the warrior, he also lacks the ability, the intelligence and the fit body of the warrior. He's spare parts in 2 minutes.
- Groundskeeper Scotty
Are you kidding me?? Bender will crush Johnny #5!
...and finally, do i even have to bring up the Steve Guttenberg suck factor(TM)? Only Tom Greene, Sophia Coppola and Kevin Costner can claim any similar ability to stink up an entire group of actors.
- Budo, now with Retsin!
From watching many many episodes of Battle Bots, I have learned one simple thing: the more a robot is hyped by the hosts, the more likely it will be upset by one of the rookie robots. So let's take a look at these two really roided robots shall we?
Bender: One very pissed off, cynical, sarcatic SOB of a robot who serves no purpose other than to annoy the crap out of his co-stars on Future-rama (which seems to be on the verge of cancelation every other day apparently btw) and to steal the show for himself.
Johnny 5: A kind, joke telling, one liner spewing, sissy voiced robot who had two crappy movies (though in J-5's defense, Short Circuit 2 was pretty decent) who's purpose in life is to help humans and build little johnny 5's to do work in office buildings (see SC2)
what does this all mean: Bender will be hyped to beat the living crud monkies out of Johnny 5... so basically, the announcers and the fans are just sealing the doom of Bender.
Now like most Battle Bot matches, Bender will get the early offense in, shoving Johnny 5 around and calling him names. Finally, Johnny 5 will have had enough of that... and the following convo ensues:
Johnny: YHou are making Johnny 5 angry...*does John Wayne voice* don't make me hog tie you pilgrim...
Bender: Are you friggen kidden me? what are you gonna do Mr.Stiff.. annoy me to death with that girly voice of yours... go ahead...hit me... i dare ya!
Johnny: If you say so....
and with that, Johnny speeds up and rams into Bender, breaking him into peices... however, his head will still be talking:
Bender: WHAT THE HELL! that's not fair... i demand to be put back together so i can kick this guy's ass....
*Johnny picks up Bender's head and does a Tarzan yell*
Johnny: *doing a Tazan voice* Me Johnny... you scrap heap.....
And with one simple toss, Bender's head is impaled on a spike... and Johnny 5 is the victor. He moves on to the next round and will verse the winner of the Marvin the Paranoid Android/Rosie the Robot fight.
- Dane "The New Prodigy"
Nothing does my heart so good as to see one of the great oxymorons of American culture come to Grudge-Match(c). High-tech red-neck remote control tag-team lawnmower combat!
On to the match . . .
Johnny 5 was created for the US Department of Defense. That means, should anything break, it will be a minimum of 48 hours before a replacement part comes in, thanks to the new resupply system at DOD. And, since he was a highly-sophisticated piece of machinery that was created by committee, it means that breakdowns are almost certain. Assuming he goes into combat.
He won't go into combat! Johnny 5 has a survival mechanism that is so powerful, even Ally Sheedy's acting couldn't destroy him (unlike the careers of all her other costars; say, anyone heard from Anthony Michael Hall or Judd Whazzizzname lately?) Johnny ain't gonna make war no more! The MechoBeatnik'll run around, chirping "no disassemble! no disassemble!" while avoiding the Snapper(c) Mower/Radio Shack amalgamated "champions" of the pit.
Bender, meanwhile, only exists on an animation cell, so the first time the flame pit erupts, he'll melt into a mess of crinolin refuse that will stick to Johnny's left tred. That may slow Johnny down for a while, but his titanium alloy exoskeleton will hold up to the surviving robots when they try to attack him with their Poulan Weedwhacker technology.
Afterward, Johnny'll be logging on to the DOD main computer bank to get his conscientious objector status changed. Once he does, he can pursue work as a golf cart in Sun City, Arizona, because, as a child of India, he knows that nothing is more important than honoring ones elders.
Significant Aside: As long as we're picking on bad acting, movies with teen actors from the 1980s and robots, how about R2D2 versus Tom Cruise versus Woody Boyd in a best bartender contest?
- Dr. Stones
Bender is a Groening protagonist, and it's their lot in life to suffer and fail. Johnny Five is a cheesy 80s movie protagonist, and they are destined to struggle, overcome adversity, succeed, and make sequels. By this logic it's inevitable that Johnny will appear to be in trouble, but when he remembers the friends who are rooting for him, he will regain his strength and triumph (with a Kenny Loggins song in the background). Bender will slink back to his job, further demoralized and dented. Next year's championship: Johnny Five vs. the T-1000! (ouch.)
- Denis "hopefully, no one will mention Heartbeeps" Moskowitz
Is Bender named because he was built to bend things, or because he's a drunkard? If it's the latter, he loses, but if it's the former, he loses happily.
- Grudge-Pops: Can't think of anything funny to say
Johnny Five was immortalized in "Who's Johnny" by El DeBarge. Nothing Bender could ever do will be worse than that.
- Dex Sinatra
Bender will have this in the bag
Johnny 5 is fueled by battries, although resourceful enough to reroute his system No 5 will quickly run down (given the average life expectancy of toys).
Bender is fueled by ethanol aka alcohol. Although not that usable today as a fuel source, robots of benders classification seem to be able to use it as an almost infinite power supply (possibly atomic), add in that it will be too readily avaliable at any arena type event.
3) music & misc
now if this was a quiz show...
This has the potential to be the most...fascinating...match in Battlebots history. And learn here why.
Naturally, Bender will spend the moments preceding the show relentlessly ogling Carmen Electra (if Futurama ~= Simpsons, then naturally Bender ~= Homer, and we know that he's set the television precedent for that).
Trying to prove how suave and sophisticated he is, Bender will chug an entire sixpack just before the match. This will, of course, fail to work, and Bender will stumble out into the arena pissed out of his metallic head. Naturally, Johnny 5 will be waiting.
Lest you think this is a slaughter against Bender, reconsider. Almost every episode of Futurama involves Bender getting mauled/punctured/hit with a huge hammer in some way, and yet by the end of the episode, he's fine and dandy. Even a micrometeor flying through the forehead is a mere mosquito bite that is repaired in about 15 frames. Nothing short of a thermonuclear explosion could stop Bender, and we all know that's against the rules.
Johnny 5, on the other hand, is a few little bits of iron that support huge, exposed wires. One bad trip past the Kill Saws(tm) or the Big Hammer(tm), and he's just so much flaming wreckage.
Even if Johnny 5 manages to elude certain death at the hands of a drunken Bender and a bunch of hazards, the best he can hope for is a draw in the arena. At which point it goes to the judges... and the Mentos-Level Coolness(tm) of Bender is simply too much for the Borg-Level Impracticality(tm) of Johnny 5.
Basically... herrrreeeee's Johnny! And there, and there, and there...
- Benjamin 'Get Bent' Massey
Johnny, for all his charms, resembles a souped-up pitching machine.
Bender is voiced by a man named DiMaggio.
#5's gonna be grand-slammed outta there.
- Oxymoron (Although Bender is more like Ty Cobb...)
this is kinda like a match up between a firebird(which is classic and classics never go out of style) versus one of those new gas guzziling(in benders case beer guzzling) SUV's. Anyone with taste goes with the firebird because while the SUV may be powerful it doesn't have grace and form. Johnny 5 is alive!!
Though Bender is cool, foul-mouthed, and alcoholic (three traits I must respect), and will undoubtedly win, I feel I must point something out that both commentators seem to have forgotten.
Johnny 5 has a FREAKING LASER CANNON. This pretty much trumps that whole "getting bent" thing.
Looks like Bender will win this one. Here's why:
Self-Repair Capability: On almost every episode of "Futurama", Bender gets seriously damaged in some way - parts broken off, badly dented, crushed, etc. - yet he is seen back to full functionality in the next scene. This is because he evidently possesses repair nannites (similar in nature to those possessed by Kryton on "Red Dwarf") that can repair and replace parts in mere seconds. The robots on "Battlebots" can do their worst, but Bender will bounce back in a flash. Johnny 5 has no real self-repair ability and must depend on people like that scientist friend of his or Ally Sheedy to help. They won't be at the match and Johhny 5 will suffer for it.
Attitude: Johnny 5 is basically a friendly nice-guy sort of character. And you know that "nice guys finish last". On the other hand, Bender is self-centered, criminal, and mean-spirited. This attitude will give him the ruthlessness needed to defeat Johnny 5 by trickery, deceit, and downright cheating.
Experience: As was established on an episode of "Futurama", Bender *has* experience in robot combat since he was in the Robot Wrestling Federation for a time. In that competition, Bender fought robots much larger and stronger than himself. On the other hand, Johnny 5 is basically a pacifist with no combat experience at all.
Weaponry: Bender has the edge here. He can belch fire on occasion and his bipedal status would allow him to stomp some of the other Battlebots. This, coupled with his immense strength (for bending metal, that is), will enable him to smash the unarmed (he had a military laser, but soon discarded it) Johnny 5 to scrap metal.
Connections: Johnny 5 was in two films. That's it. Nothing else. No merchandising. Bender, on the other hand, is on a TV series that refuses to die. Fox cancelled "Futurama", yet it will be on the fall schedule. Also, "Futurama" shares creative talent with "The Simpsons" and also has quite a bit of merchandising and even Internet fan fiction.
The match will go as follows: Bender stomps the Battlebot robots to pieces with his heavy metal feet. Then, he turns his attention to Johnny 5. A quick kick to the base will damage Johnny's tread system and render him immobile. Finally, Bender starts bending Johnny's arms in ways they were never designed to go, snapping them off and snaps Johnny's metal neck while screaming "Bite my shiny metal..."
- The Demented Astronomer
Why does a robot lose in Battlebots? Something breaks. Which contestant is most likely to lose a part? Bender, who is designed so efficiently that he needs no machinery in his torso? Or Johnny 5, who has six million moving parts, all arranged for maximum external surface area?
Bender pulls a bottle from his torso. Johnny charges. Bender, making good use of his (gasp!) articulated limbs, steps aside. Johnny begins the three minute process of turning around on tank treads in a confined space. Bender finishes the two nanosecond process of draining the bottle, casually breaks it over Johnny's fragile optical sensors, and begins wandering out of the ring. Before he gets DQ'd for leaving the ring, Johnny falls into a pit. End of Match.
you guys are forgetting one thing. johnny 5 can simply reprogram numbers 1-4 to attack bender with him. bender will be dodging 5 shoulder mounted laser cannons, not 1.
yeah! and you guys thought that they were only good for re-enacting old 3 stooges sketches!
Bender drinks fortified wine, therefore he is fortified or holds a fortified position if you will. Johnny #5 is a tank and if we look back to the classic match of Pop'N'Fresh vrs Mr Peanut we learned that "as any general knows, tanks are wonderful for making the initial breakthrough of a fortified position." This would be the end of Bender if not for one thing, he has legs and so again we must look back to that classic match and the rest of the arguement "as any general knows, tanks are wonderful for making the initial breakthrough of a fortified position, but they lack the flexibility of infantry."
It's all over for Johnny #5, Bender has both the mobillity of infantry and the defensive power of fortifacation. He can also bend things.
- Milo Bloom
I like J5, I grew up watching those movies. However, in the second movie J5 discards his laser, trading it in for a toolbox. *sigh*. Bender, however, can belch fire, extend his arms to great lengths, and say 'kiss my shiny metal ass'. Things are constantly appearing and disappearing from Bender's chest. He must have a multidimensional Chest of Holding(tm), modled, of course, on Xena's Bra Of Holding(tm).
J5 takes a run at Bender, the Chest(tm) opens, J5 disappears forever. *burp*
There is one major difference between this match and regular battlebots. These robots can talk. So,
Item 1: #5 has a battle cry, "#5 is alive!" which rhymes, and everything that rhymes is just plain cool. (think about it, "hobbit bobbit.." cool!) And as far as I know Bender (tender... blender... fender...) has no battle cry, which is just lame (tame... game... blame...)
Item B: Bender is plastered (mastered... dastard...pastored) beyond belief, having been given beer after beer (deer... near... clear...) before the match. Everyone knows how easy it is to make a drunk man cry! How much more easy would it be to make an inebriated emotionally unbalanced robot cry? (try...my...lie...)
I predict that #5 will toss a few well worded insults at bender and reduce him to a sobbing heap of nuts and bolts (dolts... molts... colts...)
- foxy the stone cold fox and humor specialist at large (barge.. charge...)
This fight is over before it starts. You'll notice how the two robots are introduce: Bender, the Mexican robot, and Johnny 5. This tells us two things.
Bender, AKA Bender Bending Rodriguez, is from south of the border, and as we've all learned from Cheech and Chong's destruction of Bob and Doug, or even the chihuahuas' legendary fight against the rottweiler, the Hispanics are scrappers. Bender won't be afraid to knuckle down and fight dirty; hell, he does everything else dirty. He's bound to have a few tricks up his sleeve. After all, this is the robot who's gone through Hell. He's not afraid of anything.
On the other hand, the other competitor is Johnny 5. Not #5, but Johnny 5. This means this is the robot from Short Circuit 2; the pacifistic robot whose laser has been replaced with a toolbox. In the first movie he was upset when he crushed a grasshopper, but in the second movie, he gets taken out by a couple of goons. He's a pantywaist by now, and doesn't stand a chance.
Pat: "The bots are locked, the lights are on, it's robot fighting time!"
Bill: "Johnny 5 isn't moving Pat. Maybe he's having some kind of electrical problem?"
Pat: "I don't know about that Bill, but let's see what Bender's up to. Uh-oh, Bender's getting a little too close to the Pulverizer!"
Bill: "Wait look! He's bending the Pulverizer off the wall! Is that legal?"
Pat: "Well the match hasn't been stopped so I guess it's perfectly legal. But why did Bender do that?"
Bill: "I'll tell you why! Look Bender is now wielding the Pulverizer like a giant baseball bat, and Pat, Johnny 5 still isn't moving."
Ben: "Number Johnny Five get your bags unpacked! The judges will disqualify if you do not get moving! What are you doing number Johnny Five? You took your laser off years ago!"
Johnny 5: "Oooops, no can disassemble. But I must disassemble to avoid being disassembled. Strange. Confusing."
Ben: "Number Johnny Five look out!"
KLANG! KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!
Bill: "I guess you could call that a 'heavy metal favorite' here at the battle arena!"
Pat: "uh, yeah"
Bender: "Ha ha ha ha! Hey Fry, this guy is so pathetic, you could've beaten him!"
Fry: "I resent that! I am too not weak as he is, uh, well I'm not!"
Lita: "Sit down Fry before you embarass yourself again."
Fry: "How was I supposed to know she was a monkey?"
Bender: "Ha Ha HA HAAA!"
KLANG! KLANG! KLANG! KLANG!
Bender, having beaten Johnny 5 to scrap, lights a cigar with the fire trap and leaves the arena.
Fade to Black
- Mr. Darren
Both fighters come from opposites sides of the arena, sweating oil and huffing, ready to rumble, when...
Bender: This program won't answer,and will be shut down. Please consult your salesman.
In a deep, dark corner, Bill Gates watches everything with an evil grin.
- Tyler Durden(CRUSH!KILL!DESTROY!)
I was undecided at first who to vote for, so I decided to break this down into its component factors.
1. Bender is a cartoon, so the laws of ordinary physics don't apply to him. No matter how much damage Johnny inflicts, Bender will be back to normal in a few seconds. The Battlebots hazards could saw him in half, and he'll just reattach the pieces. Advantage: Bender. Bender 1, Johnny 0.
2. Johnny is a mechanical genius. He learned to drive a truck after reading the manual once, with no driver ed class. He also created small working replicas of himself, and reprogrammed three other robots to do their best Stooges imitation. He can reprogram Bender too. Advantage: Johnny. Bender 1, Johnny 1.
3. Allies: Bender is not just a cartoon, but a cartoon robot. He can thus call on Rosie from the Jetsons, who will bring her super-powerful vacuum to bear on Johnny. And those cleaning fluids she uses can't be good for Johnny's circuits. Johnny can call on real-life machines like the M-5 computer (which committed suicide in its darkest hour) or the Lost in Space robot (who would warn him of danger but otherwise be useless). Bender was the object of a crush by Sigourney Weaver (known for thrashing alien butt) and had a relationship with Lucy Liu (Charlie's Angel). The cast of original Star Trek once guested on Futurama. While the Enterprise was no match for the Death Star, there's no way Johnny can stand up to phasers or photon torpedoes. Johnny's allies are Steve Guttenberg and a guy who can't get any common slang right or get a date without help from a robot. Advantage: Bender. Bender 2, Johnny 1.
4. Life experience: Johnny has survived the streets of New York and robbed a bank. This is nothing for Bender, who could rob banks in his sleep. Bender has also been to fearsome alien worlds and escaped from the robotic version of hell. Advantage: Bender. Bender 3, Johnny 1.
5. Previous opposition: Bender has faced down the aforementioned fearsome alien worlds, as well as Richard Nixon. Johnny has defeated Lt. Harris from the Police Academy movies (not hard, the man is dumb). Advantage: Bender. Bender 4, Johnny 1.
6. Creators: Bender was made for the sole purpose of bending. Johnny was designed to be a weapon by a federally-funded, big-money, top-secret defense-contractor program. Advantage: Johnny. Bender 4, Johnny 2.
7. While Bender's job description, as mentioned in the commentary, is bending, he's good at it. He can turn Johnny into robot origami. But there is also the fact that Bender comes with all sorts of extras irrelevant to bending. Every week, he opens his chest and he has something different hidden inside. It could be a weapon this time. Johnny has no weapons designed as such; he removed his laser. Advantage: Bender. Bender 5, Johnny 2.
8. Finally Johnny will refuse to fight. No incentive is being offered to him here (his life, his continuing memory, his loved ones held hostage, et cetera). Any prize money will not outweigh his pacifist principles exhibited in Short Circuit 2. Why do you think he got rid of the laser? Johnny will refuse to fight, and Bender will win by default. Advantage: Bender. Final score: Bender 6, Johnny 2. Bender will fold and pound Johnny to pieces anyway, and as an added bonus he has someone righ there to clean the mess up: once again, Rosie.
Hmm, this is a difficult decision, who do I go with? Well, I guess I would have to look at their past battles.
Johnny 5 outsmarted an entire U.S. Military research group.
Bender was defeated by a Can Opener!
Johnny 5 will leave just enough of Bender for bystanders to hear his disembodied head humming "If I only had a heart".
- Wizard of Oz
Um, Brendan, I respect the teachings of G.I. Joe, but I can't agree with, "[Bender] managed to get the part of a woman that never shuts up, while somehow missing out on all the fun parts." I won't go into detail, but you're wrong. About everything. Bender wins.
P.S. Is it wrong to find Bender sexy? I'm so confused.
- Helen Jones
The vast majority of fighting robots are equipped with wheels or tank treads. The rest, those that use legs to move around, are known in BattleBots jargon as "stomp bots." Five seasons of robot fighting have shown that a stomp bot win is as likely as Woody Allen playing Rambo. And they don't just lose, they lose like...well, like Woody Allen (armed only with a rubber ducky) going hand-to-hand with Rambo. They usually leave the BattleBox in a ShoeBox.
Now, let's take a look at our competitors. Johnny Five has tank treads. Bender has legs, therefore he is a stomp bot. My prediction: Johnny separates Bender's head from his neck first thing. He then drives Bender's body to the Pulverizer, under which it spends a record 2 minutes and 52 seconds out of a three minute match. Meanwhile, Johnny takes Bender's head to the Killsaws, methodically slices it into 20 ring-shaped segments, and plays ring toss with them (and one of Bender's discarded beer bottles) until the buzzer goes off and he wins by unanimous judge decision.
"The lights are on, the Box is locked, it's Bender's dying time!!"
- Mr. Silverback- They hired Carmen Electra because Jessica Rabbit wanted too much money.
While being stuck with Ally Sheedy and Steve Gutenberg did drive Johnny 5 to drink and The Rage, Bender was programmed to be an angry alcoholic. It's just no contest.
- Bowie Hawkins
Significant Johnny Five quote - "No disassemble Johnny Five!!"
Significant Bender quote - "Bite my shiny metal ass."
Sorry, Johnny. Not even Steve Gutenberg can save you now.
- Tracer - Forget your stupid Grudge Match! I'm gonna make my own! With hookers! And blackjack! In fact, forget the Grudge Match!
In an Episode of Futurama, Bender started a nuclear war of a civilization growning on him. I respect anybody who can start a nuclear war.
Johnny #5 is doomed.
First of all, his female companion is Ally Sheedy. WOW, what a fantastic career! Has she been hiding in a hole for the last fifteen years? Pardon me while I laugh. There, I'm better.
Second, the "one lightning strike makes you sentient, so further lightning only makes you MORE sentient" theory is total hogwash. Everyone knows that any ODD number of lightning strikes make you sentient, while any EVEN number of lightning strikes make you NON-sentient again. Yes, Johnny 5 will only have to be hit once (or three times, or five times, the more the better) to be turned back into a jukebox, or a "marital aid," or a carpet sweeper, or whatever his original function was. (If it was "marital aid," so much the better for Ally Sheedy.)
Finally, Fisher Stevens ridiculous attempt to play an Indian isn't fooling anybody. We all know he's as white as, well, Ben Kingsley. And he's sleeping with Michelle Pfeiffer, so he's already gotten his punishment.
Bender has tobacco, gambling, alcohol, and the Ringmaster of Robot Hell on his side. He'll have #5 playing old Deep Purple songs in no time.
Johnny 5 by 214 points.
If any of you have seen Battlebots(tm), you'll have noticed that these battles are won by the spinning robots. Johnny 5 (hereafter, Jx5) has demonstrated ability to quickly enter a controlled spin, something I can't say I've seen for Bender. Furthermore, Jx5 can control all things electronic (as seen in the sequel when he tries to get his co-star a date), which puts Bender at a serious disadvantage from the battlebots(tm) hazards like fire, hammers, and metal saws. A can opener once immobilized Bender for 90% of an episode, so we can count on Bender's paralyzation (authentic or faked) for the short duration of the match from any of the hazards. Jx5 won't have to move a Servo(tm) to rack up the points, and bender will be a Broken Tin Can(tm) on the floor for the last 4 minutes of the match.
Finally, let's say (for the sake of argument) that Bender does a little damage. The original _Short_Circuit_ movie establishes the trend that Jx5's friends will always bail him out of a problem ("You are ... friend"), whereas Bender's cohorts never lift a finger avert a tragedy, personal OR galactic. An Indian (Asian Indian, not Native American), some white guy, and an eighty's big-hair actress will keep anything bad from happening to our mechanized champion.
Too bad neither of the robots gets the job of explaining their Victory (tm) to has-been VJ miss Electra since the short, pudgy guys with the remote controls and too much time on their hands get to try to flirt with her instead.
This match-up is so easy to predict, even a blonde George W Bush can predict this easily. You see, from my experience, the 80's wasn't a time known for its quality products. Johnny 5 is from the 80's, so we can safely assume that he was made from substandard parts made in Taiwan. Bender is from the future, and therefore we can safely assume that he is made up of substandard parts made in Neo Taiwan. What's the difference? The Neo adds a whole new cool.
- Wise Ass
The question isn't which marvelous mechanical man will win; it's how much Bender will make selling the Lost-in-Space reject piecemeal on eBay after dismantling him.
As a general rule, pacifists vs. ruthless bastards is not a matchup that works well for the pacifists. According to the second movie, Johnny 5 removed his back mounted laser (you know, the weapon that could have VAPORIZED Bender in a heartbeat and ended the match) and was happy to be enslaved making toys in an Indian sweatshop (without even demanding a penny for the rights to his image); this is NOT exactly Eye of the Tiger here. I don't know how the heck he got into a gang, but obviously with those kinds of standards these guys must have been the same bunch backing up Michael Jackson in his videos. Such a wimp must never become a Grudge Match champ!
- "Mad Dog" Mike
Iron Fist, sorry, but this must be said...
I'm shocked and appaled!! I leave for two matches (I was busy holdin' back the mob of angry Mexicans who wished to storm grudge-match headquarters after that Taco bell dog vs. Speedy Gonzales bruh-haha) and I come back to this travesty of voting. As I write this... Poor ol' heart-warming Johnny #5 is getting the flux capacitor fustigated out of him... if I don't act now...he will lose verticality...
Bender must lose for several reasons... First off, he's not no gangsta, beyatch!!! Johnny # 5 was a member of the New York city gang called "Los Locos"! They were hard-core street thugs, trained to whup-up-on-that-ass!!! In fact, they were so cool, they had a song talkin' about how they would whup-up-on-that-ass:
Los Locos kick your ass
Bender is lazy! He drinks beer everday and thinks of ways to screw his friends...and I DON'T mean the good type of screw either! That ain't REAL!! THAT AIN'T GANGSTA!!!
Johnny #5 must win..in fact, Joe in his haphazard use of universal grudge law, even helped to solidify this idea...
Johnny must win because he has a DIRECT LINK TO THE SIMPSONS!!
That's right...and that link is through one person so evil and vile that simply being in relation with him should guarentee anyone usage of the powers in hell; a person so disgustingly leech-like that the mere mention of his name causes people to uncontrollably hump their dogs with insanity!! One name..
yes, in the first Short Circuit movie, Johnny co-stared with the anti-christ himself, this was one of the movies that led to Steve becoming the household name for dog butt-humping fun that he is today... you could say that Johnny was responsible for making Steve a star... Y'ALL KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS....
I submit to you that not only is Johnny #5 a wiley street criminal... he's a card-carrying member of the Springfield chapter of THE STONECUTTER'S CLUB!!!!
[i]who holds back the electric car...
THAT'S RIGHT, HOP ON MY BANDWAGON-LIKE PHALLUS GOT DAMNIT, HOP ON IT!!!!
HOP ON IT!!!!!!
Bender will be crushed...Johnny is built with missles and lazers... he's a war machine, damnit!! Add to that his DIRECT Simpson's connection and the fact that 70 percent of studio audience are probably members of the Stonecutter's club and Lucy Lui will soon be showin' Johnny what it's really like... to be alive.
Even if Johnny loses, the audience will pounce on Bender like an audiences' weight in angry chihuahua's that have just been humped...
- Richard "Yo quiero taco-bell..dog" Corey
You just can't argue with that squiggly ~ thing.
- Captain Corcoran
Next Match: CatDog
Next Match: CatDog
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC