Hey Hey Kids! Boy do we have a treat for you today! This next cartoon was smuggled in from Mexico by Side Show Mel. Although the cartoon made it back into the country, Side Show Mel ran into some problems at the border, and won't be able to watch it with us. Huhuhuyukyuk! Now kids, listen carefully: This cartoon is very violent, so make sure your parents leave the room for the next few minutes! The last time, little Jimmy let his parents watch, and Krusty got into some biiiig trouble. Let's not let that happen again. OK?! And now, the cartoon you've all been waiting for,
Despite the fact that this is a team event, I have to make my decision based on the one true superstar: Itchy. I liken it to Michael Jordan playing two-on-two with anybody -- you always gotta go with MJ. Let's look at the other three competitors: Scratchy - routinely gets lacerated, incinerated, disembowled, and dissolved by Itchy (legend tells us of a time where Scratchy defeated Itchy, but due to some nerds from Springfield College (tm) we don't know for sure); Stimpy - more or less a worthless lump of lard that Itchy will probably gut as well at the end of the cartoon (just for laughs); and Ren. Well, Ren is the only thing the other side has going for it. But he's not much. Yeah, he's good at getting annoyed at Stimpy and at developing festering body parts, but we have little evidence of his ability as a fighter. The biggest strike against Ren: the long pauses so rampant in the Ren & Stimpy cartoons. Whenever something happens, there is always a long and drawn out pause (perhaps to allow for the raucous laughter of viewers to die down?) that is almost maddening. Itchy will take these instants to remove Ren's internal organs via his navel and throw the whole lot of 'em into the nearest volcano. Itchy (solo) wins in the shortest Krusty Kartoon (tm) to date.
STEVE: Most of your points are correct, but you seriously underestimate Ren. In previous matches, we have noted how RAGE can be a deciding factor. Let me state now for the record that none of our previous contestants have even a fraction of the rage of Ren. He has the rage of ten contestants (plus 2). He has to deal with Stimpy on a day-to-day basis, and this is sure to make him a time bomb waiting to go off. Nothing will be able to stop him.
Also, Stimpy will be a big hindrance to Itchy. He will continue to get in the way and screw things up for Itchy, a la Gilligan on Gilligan's Island. This will of course lead to his early demise, as you earlier predicted. However, while Itchy is distracted with this task, Ren's rage will kick in, and he will move in for the kill. His eyes will bug out of his head, and twist around Itchy's neck and strangle him with his optic nerve. Scratchy, of course, is a non-factor in this whole event.
BRIAN: Sorry, Steve, but "rage" is not a factor here. Ren gets upset all the time, but whenever Stimpy says something, Ren PAUSES and listens, usually PAUSING again afterwards to express a look of grotesque angst. If Ren ever gets upset at anything, Stimpy will say something to calm him down (or at least distract him long enough for Itchy to devour his gall bladder). During all of this, Scratchy will stand around with his tongue out (which will, of course, be removed violently once Itchy has disposed of Ren).
And this leads us to discover the true genius of Itchy. He needs no motivation. He is never quick to anger. He's a Natural Born Mutilator (tm). One minute he's wining & dining Scratchy, the next he's disolved the bottom half of Scratchy's body. Itchy wastes no time in going right to the task at hand. If Ren's rage is a factor, then it will have to build up (slowly, of course, with several pauses to allow the dumbed down American viewers of today to follow it). By the time Ren has any kind of rage, he's already been sent through the inner workings of an escalator.
STEVE: Your "Pause" argument doesn't affect things here. The "pause" affects the entire cartoon, not just individual members of it. Itchy will be held helpless while the dramatic effect occurs.
Finally, Itchy is overrated. He has really never had any serious competition. All he ever does is beat up on Scratchy. That's no great achievement, and I think you know that. Hell, even Stimpy could beat up on Scratchy. When Itchy faces some real competition for once, he'll be turned into little blue mouse chowder, or maybe mouse-kabob. Besides, even though chihuahuas can't defeat a rottweiler, they CAN defeat a puny mouse.
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"My fellow Cartoon brothers! For too long have we been oppressed by our cartoon oppressors! Tom, how long have you been victim to Jerry's constant sadistic torture!? And you, a cat like myself! No longer, my brothers! Lucky Rabbit, how many times have you been denied even sampling a bit of Trix?!? Do not supress your anger any longer! The Trix glass ceiling must be broken! We shall all be privy to the bounty of Trix!!! The revolution must begin! The revolution will not be televised! The revolution has begun! Join me! Join with us as we fight the Power! Who is to say that you can't have any Trix? Who is to say that you must sit idly by as your internal organs are chopped up by hot ginsu knives? No longer! No more! Non-violence, while a noble ideal, has been our undoing! We can no longer afford to be pacifists! We must strike out with a fierce vengeance that none has heretofore seen! We must lash out with the bullets of our words as well as the bullets of our AK-47's!! No longer will I be called by my oppressed name of Scratchy! From no on, I shall be Scrat X!!"
The whole mass of Cartoon revolutionaries will travel seeking out their cartoon oppressors. The first to die, the annoying kids who deny the Rabbit a bowl of Trix! Their heads roll off as the guillotine works its magic. The Revolution gleefully cheers! One by one the oppressors are destroyed... though effective in their totalitarianism against one cartoon victim, they are no match for the Revolutionary Force, or the Terror, as they are soon known as. Scrat X and the Terror eventually come to the spot where Itchy and Ren fought. Ren lies in a pool of blood, as Itchy has dispatched him. Scrat X confronts him alone... Itchy at first is filled with glee as he thinks of another sadistic way to mutilate Scratchy, but he notices something different in Scratchy's eyes-- no longer is there any fear. Instead, Scrat X's eyes are filled with a cold hardness mixed with a fiery righteous indignation. The Terror appears from the background... Before Scrat X could act, Itchy has gutted his throat with Ren's ripped off claw. But the martyr's death does not go unavenged, for the Trix Rabbit, high and stoked on a shot of Trix in an Trix induced rage mauls Itchy and the Terror screams with fanatic glee! Long live the Revolution! Long live the Terror! Long live the Trix Rabbit!
- T.P. Derfman
- Gordon H. Buchan
- Ukolovik Tile
As for Stimpy vs Scratchy, here we have a true cat-fight. Even though Stimpy is basically a moron, not even Scratchy can take "Happy Happy Joy Joy" for any length of time without killing himself.
REN: Comes from the William Shatner school of pausing. True, a liability in most cases, but he's fighting ITCHY. Itchy can't resist a pause...he'll run off to med school, get his doctoral degree with a specialty in tranquilizers, run back with a needle, and be just about to inject it into Ren when Ren bursts and strangles Itchy to within an inch of his life.
STIMPY: is an idiot. Nuff said.
SCRATCHY: is everyman, Joe Blow, the common denominator...we've all had Scratchy days, haven't we? Days when we feel like we've had our skin ripped off and then been beaten up by crazed anti-fur activists? Sure we do. That common bond is why Scratchy cannot be beaten: sure, he takes a licking, but he keeps on ticking, through cartoon after cartoon after endless cartoon...
ITCHY: is exceedingly annoying. C'mon. We *all* wanna kill the little bastard, don't we? He's scum...puke...bile...nay, a festering sore on the backside of animation history. His death would be a boon to the world. He has no morals, no scruples. Itchy is the boss who gets pissed when you come in hung over Monday. Itchy is the cop who waits for parking meters to expire. Itchy is the Congressman who takes bribes to screw his electorate over just for fun and then claim "the President made me do it". Itchy is Bill Gates if he were a cartoon character.
Clearly, the forces of Good, although they may be overpowered, must triumph, in a wonderful Star Wars finish (and presumably a wonderful Star Wars explosion as well).
- Christopher Bird
My logic is so simple and clear that even Stimpy could understand it. So far as I can tell, no Itchy & Scratchy cartoon has ever included dialog, while Ren & Stimpy keep up a steady pace of witty (if inane) dialog. The shock of hearing dialog will quite simply immobilize Itchy & Scratchy, making this a two-character bout. And though the anoyance factor weighs heavily in Stimpy's favor, in any dog/cat fight, my money goes on the dog almost every time. Even chihuahuas.
- Denes F. House (Tick Boy)
Let it be known that Itchy & Scratchy did speak in a few episodes, but those were all during the time in which they were nice to each other ("They Love, they Share", etc.) due to Marge's crusading, so those examples may be discarded. -Eds.
- Bobby Clarke
- Jeremy Fullbright
Plus if things start to go bad for Itchy, Stimpy (who has been sipping sodas by ringside) can always use his ultimate weapon: hairballs. After a few of those are coughed at their opponents, the morticians can start ordering two tombstones: Ren and Scratchy....May They Rest in Pieces.
- Mr. Cody
- Jon Daggar
- L. Leonhardt
- Chad Bennie Watson
I liken Itchy's cause to Speedy Gonzalez. And keeping in mind it's a team event - Speedy is relentlessly trying to save his fellow chubby mice from the jaws of Sylvester. If it was Speedy alone, Sylvester is toast, but by having the handicap of trying to save a handful of inebriated countrymen/countrymice he is always put on the defensive.
As both teams are aware that this is a contest, Ren will have the low-level animal cunning to go after the bloated eggplant-of-a-cat Stimpy - perhaps even with a little help from Scratchy (who will really just be playing the role of Target for itchy). I see a problem for Ren's team: lack of offense - so until rage/old age kick in I see very little in the way of harming Itchy's team - but Itchy's team offense will never even make it to the field...
Line: Determined by decision, Team Itchy by a laceration and a 2nd degree burn.
- scott, 305 Club
Besides, have you ever seen a mad Chihuahua? Scary.
Yes. Yes we have. -Eds.
Hey, can I say hi to my Mom?
- Cera Lawrence
This case..., er match is decided solely on precedent.
First, Scratchy must die. Why? To quote "Evan" on "Red-Shirted Ensigns vs. Stormtroopers": "The stormtroopers can't hit a thing, but the redshirts must die. So the Stormtroopers will win when the redshirts are killed by a falling piano." Scratchy is in the same boat with the "redshirts." He must die IF Itchy is anywhere in the vicinity. Thus, Scratchy's toast - literally.
Second, Ren and Stimpy must both die. They are so disgusting and hated that non-combatants will kill them. To quote "DAS" from Philadelphia, PA on "Barney vs. Wesley": "They'll both die a horrible, bloody death because I'll be at ring side with my 12 gauge to finish them both off before the match even get's started :-) .... Ahhhhh! Where's my gun? WHERE'S MY GUN?" This ruling is corroborated by "Douglas Jackson" in the same match: "... 3) Both [Wesley and Barney] enter the cage, and the crowd gets ready.... 5) The bell rings and, as one, about 750 grenades arc into the ring from the audience. It's gonna get messy. 6) With the many explosions, the gunfire begins. 7) In the ensuing firestorm, Barney, Wesley and Luke all end up being shredded by shrapnel, buggered up by bullets, fried by flame...." Even "Beamer" commenting on "Mayhem on the Family Feud Set" agrees on the importance of outside interference: "Addams would win because if Moriticia would sleep with me I would help them." Ren and Stimpy will be slaughtered by the large majority of people who think their cartoon not only is the worst thing on television and totally disgusting, but also consider it an insult to the intelligence of the childish audience it targets.
With Itchy the only one left alive, the team of Itchy and the late Stimpy are the winners.
- P Golba
Itchy will take the easy target first and horribly mutilate and humiliate Scratchy in his traditional mode. Ren will look on, aghast at his imminent loss, and become more and more frustrated, worked into a swollen-eyeball teeth-grinding stress-bomb, which, when Itchy attacks, will explode, wiping out the entire field, resulting in a (pyrrhic) vectory for R&S.
Yes, the only way out for Itchy and Stimpy is for Stimpy to suffer on of his frequent pangs of conscience, and defect from Itchy's team, whereupon he will swaddle Ren in his "Nurse" routine, (neutralizing him) and Itchy will destroy them both.
Winner: Ren Hoek by fighting smart rather than hard.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Springfield v. South Park
Chucky v. Toy Story
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches
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