As the lights come up in the studio, an obviously exhausted Bert Convy sits leaning against the sofa, too tired to even get to his feet. A smattering of applause comes from the few conscious members of the Live Studio Audience.
"Welcome to hour 37 of the first round of Celebrity Win, Lose or Draw." Convy wipes perspiration off of his brow, and scratches the stubble of beard on his face. "We are still... STILL waiting for one of our teams to get even one word right. Those of you who have been watching know that in hour 25, we made this a sudden-death final - the first team to get ONE SINGLE FREAKING WORD RIGHT WINS THE WHOLE MATCH!" Convy covers his eyes and breathes heavily. "Control. Need to exercise self-control."
He sighs and looks at the camera. "Let's introduce, ONCE AGAIN, our teams for this match. On the Red team, please say hello to Paris Hilton and George W. Bush. Their teammate at the board, with the pencil is renowned cubist artist Pablo Picasso. On the Blue team, you will find Dan Quayle and Jessica Simpson. Their designated artist at the board is NFL color analyst John Madden."
The first word assigned to the artists is "anticonstitutional". This could take a while.
So HotBranch!, pick the penciller that provokes the principal pronunciation of the proper phrasing.
John Madden vs. Pablo Picasso
HOTBRANCH: Despite his eccentricities in his later years, this game will go to the Bush/Hilton/Picasso triumvirate, based on the cubist's ability to draw semi recognizable shapes. The Quayle/Simpson/Madden team is doomed to a bunch of Xs, Os, Ts, and squiggly lines that make every single word resemble a halfback pass play Madden used back when he coached the Raiders. What's even more damning to Madden is that he is used to using a light pen and a telestrator. Markers and paper are foreign media, so he'd be more likely to walk over to a video monitor and begin drawing how to defend a draw play in permanent ink.
Picasso, on the other hand, is in his element, using classic tools of the artist's trade. Furthermore, since this is hour 37 and the score is deadlocked at zero, Picasso will, like all great competitors, raise his game and settle this once and for all. Don't discount the fact that he was unaffected by all the years he lived in Paris; his impatient and snotty attitude should be as evident as Parisian body odor on a sunny Bastille Day. I envision a single, flowing line of ink, the marker never leaving the paper's surface, with the perfect visual representation of "anticonstitutional" rendered in 2.693 seconds.
I hear your counter-argument already: no matter how clear the illustration, Bush and Hilton are too dimwitted to get the word right. Like your upper body, your argument is weak. I'll grant you that, individually, Dubya and Paris might not be able to get the word out, but as a team, they will produce a sound that is close enough (aunty-constimutushunil), allowing Bert Convey to declare a champion. Madden should stick to what he knows: riding on buses and driving his play-by-play men to drink.
JOHN: Hotbranch, if you're going to try to make my counter-arguments for me, make sure you cover your kids in garbage bags so they don't get daddy's brain flecks on them when your tiny head explodes trying to process thoughts that are clearly too grand for it.
The key reason that Picasso is going to lose is that he is a Spanish-born Frenchman, his teammate is named "Paris", and he is on the same team as George W. Bush. As we know from recent events, Bush refuses to work with anyone from a country outside of the anti-Iraq coalition, and particularly with the dirty French. So W's brainpower will be sitting this match out. I mean, for what it's worth.
Therefore the only chance Picasso has of winning is through Paris Hilton. Well good freakin' luck with that. This is a woman who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and promptly jammed it up into her brain. If, as you say, the Madden team has access to X, O, T (and the extra Es that Quayle has lying around from all those potatoes), that's four more letters than Hilton is familiar with.
Also - great point about the Sharpie being a classic tool of the artist trade. Why just last week I saw a Matisse exhibit done entirely in highlighter pen. Madden has much more experience with felt markers, what with him personally slashing prices at Ace Hardware (Ace is the Place). Plus, he is a natural at breaking down and translating seemingly incomprehensible football happenings - from how in God's name Jerome Bettis can pinwheel into the end zone with such a low center of gravity to what the hell Terry Bradshaw and Eric Dickerson are talking about. Just wait until he gets a word that has anything to do with pro sports - he'll be all over it like BOOM tough actin' Tinactin.
HOTBRANCH: It is truly amazing that you, who spent an entire year wearing a raspberry beret, would rail against the French as if they were up against soccer hooligans. I can understand that when you ran away from home, you mistook the French foreign legion for the circus, but most of us would have realized our error after two or three years of running away.
Regardless, Madden is his own worst enemy, and he couldn't pull this off with Einstein and Stephen Hawking on his team. The one thing John Madden loves more than food and televised pimping is the sound of his voice. The rules of Win, Lose or Draw are very clear: the sketcher cannot speak. Just to escape his personal game show hell, Convy will award the win to team Picasso as soon as Madden speaks. And trust, me, he will speak. At length. Incomprehensibly.
As if his motormouth wasn't enough, Madden is a threat to his own team. Any football fan knows that when Madden gets going, he is all over the place. His fists will be flying, and just like Eric Estrada on Bill Maher, Madden's teammates will be out cold. Even a Spanish-born frenchman has better odds of winning a contest than three unconscious boobs. Madden's BANG! BOOM! BAM! is better suited to campy 60s Batman episodes than campy game shows. Despite the French connection, team Picasso takes this easily or by default. Either way, Madden is doomed through the connection to his video games.
JOHN: Well, Hotbranch!, the video game connection only works as a curse for the person on the cover of the game. Madden just needs to work his EA Sports contacts to get a new gaming franchise going - EA Win, Lose or Draw 2004, with Pablo Picasso on the cover. Picasso's chances of winning will be crushed faster than the hood of Danny Heatley's Ferrari.
Convy also won't disqualify Madden for speaking during a round - the most he can do is forfeit the question in play. So it takes a while longer - Madden et al will still win. Plus, even if Madden did speak, let's not forget that he won't be miked on this show; it's possible that his words will be drowned out by the incessant rumbling from his digestive tract. Also, Hotbranch!, having Jessica Simpson on the team will, counterintuitively, be a huge plus, because as every Grudge Match fan knows, the Simpsons never lose (hah!).
Moreover, if Pablo Picasso a) somehow manages to betray decades of cubist dogma to accurately and clearly portray an everyday concept, and b) manages to get such a clear concept past the unrelenting vacuum of thought that is Paris Hilton's brain - well even if that manages to happen, before the single pair of synapses can fire in Hilton to get her to connect her thoughts to words - she and Picasso will be set upon and killed by Raiders fans, who Madden holds in sway. (Note to Fox executives - you still have ample preparation time for your newest show: The Simple Afterlife.)
Thanks to Toshi Mogi for suggesting this match
If you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, eventually one of them will write King Lear. It's the same case here; eventually one team will have to string the syllables together.
Hour 39: Dan Quayle makes the first step; after Madden puts a dot on the board, he guesses 'ant'.
Hour 43: Jessica Simpson adds her favourite topic of conversation, 'I'.
Hour 48: Two days in, both politicians weigh in with 'cons'.
Hour 67: In a desperate attempt to finish the show, a Yellow Team is added. Much to Bert's horror, it comprises Kelly Osbourne and Ronald Reagan, and Salvador Dali with the marker.
Hour 73: A little over three days now, and Paris Hilton with her 'other' piece of media attention manages to add 'tit'.
Hour 84: Angry over Dali's incomprehensible pictures, Kelly unleashes a string of "F*ck this" and "F*ck you" at him. Bert, disheveled and desperate, counts Kelly's 'u'.
Hour 147: Now a few hours into day six, Bush remarks that one of Picasso's pictures reminds him of The Last Starfighter, or the similar film Tron. Bert, gnawing on his own fingers, pretends to mishear so he can award Bush 'tion'.
Hour 165: With day seven just around the corner, Bert decides to take the last syllable into his own hands. "Okay," he blurts out, "What completes these names: Gore, Yankovic, Franken."
"Bah, Gore and Franken are in league with the terrorists," Bush snorts, "But Yankovic is okay, his polkas are amusicating". Just as Bert sinks his head into his hands, Bush unexpectedly hands him a way out: "Gore and Franken are members of that Al Kinda, I bet..."
"Hallelujah! I'm free! I'm free!" Bert cries, and promptly collapses. As the Red Team guessed four syllables to the Blue's three and the Yellow's one, Picasso claims the victory and goes on to kick Leonardo da Vinci out of the Louvre. Bert Convy quits, so the producers play it safe for future shows and replace him with David Blaine.
- Mixmaster Flibble
If Piccaso was on the other team, he would be dead, and Madden would walk away with it. But, he isn't. Piccaso has been pared with George W. Bush. Bush, with his approval rate slipping, will be desparate for a win on national TV. Now, one of the few things that Bush is good at is accusing people of being anti-american. Piccaso made the greatest political painting ever, La Guernia. Since according to Bush, speaking out against war is UnAmerica(TM), he will attack Piccaso with a vengance. Here's How I think it would play out.
Piccaso paints La Guernica, and Bush starts blasting it. He calls it communist, Euro-Trash, anti-establishment, anti-american. Eventually he'll call it anticonstitutional. Ergo, Piccaso wins while Madden is still working with a Dan Qualye who is confused about the Browns logo being orange. Piccaso wins, and gets to nail Paris Hilton.
- The Amazing Fat Man
I'm assuming you mean Bush Jr., in which case Madden & company dominate this match. Why? Because the other team will be drug down by the dead inbred weight of Bush Jr. As the man can't even pronounce the word "nuclear" or eat a bag of pretzels without passing out and giving himself a concussion, he destroys whatever chances his teammates may have had. When Jr dramatically pounds the table during his (off topic) speech on why we should bomb the Middle East out of existence, he inhales one of the raisins he was snacking on, and thus having cut off the supply of O2 to his brain, he slips into a coma. Paris not wanting to miss an opportunity to get attention, strips and mounts his inert body. Picasso thus distracted begins trying to figure out how to render the entire scene in 3-D on 2-D canvas. (A noble effort Picasso, but sadly misguided.)
Eventually Super-Bowl Sunday arrives, and by going through all the various plays Madden's scribbled down, with a little mixing and matching the word is spelled. All go home happy except for Bush Jr. who winds up with a cat, a dog, and Elvis in his head trying to save him.
So, what I am hearing is that Paris Hilton is going to be in the same room as Jessica Simpson. Every pre-teen in America just hit puberty with that set-up.
- Mr. Chaos, waiting for that sex tape.
If nothing else, this should make network executives think before they unleash another celebrity game-show special.
Madden and friends, easy. As you already pointed out, as soon as anything even remotely involving professional sports comes up, Madden will be all up ons. Also, as we have seen in the fine program Family Guy, Madden will stop at NOTHING to get what he wants, even shooting down a blimp raining cash on the crowd. And Paris will be too, erm, distracted by Picasso, who continued to have children, and was therefore obviously virile - and the rolling cameras won't hurt anything either (I'm sorry, I tried to resist, but I just had to include the obligatory Paris Hilton Sex Joke). With no one to draw for him, Dubya will be reduced to occasionally uttering "misunderestimate" and "subliminable".
You mad foo's! Have you any idea of the amount of meesages that are going to make jokes about Bush? Anyway, here's my humble response for "Iron Fisting"... As much as i dislike myself for doing it, I'm going with Picasso. Eventualy Bush will finish counting the opossing team, and realise that there are three of them (this is the only reason why it's lasted this long so far. Bush, like Gordon Brown, can't count). Once he reaches this master stroke, he will be able to work out that they're an "axis of something". when he finds out they're mostly French bush will be reaching for the regime change Button(Tm?) so fast your head will spin.
- Listy the treadhead
To hell with this match, I'm more interested in the Last Word from the last match. If there's such a contest, my money's on Brendan. WOO! BRENDAN!
- Scotty J.
Yeesh. These four mooks aren't going to get anything out of their dedicated scribblers. Picasso will be unable to express anything, as if you put the culture of Bush, Hilton, Simpson and Quayle together you wouldn't have enough artistic taste to determine that the Smiley Face is "iconic". Great art is another planet to these people. And John Madden will be so distracted as he rants to the camera about end zone chalk and second-hand mouthguards that his ink-blotted and fried-chicken grease-stained paper will resemble the work of a five-year-old Jackson Pollock.
The game drags on and on, with George impressing Paris with his vocabulary (he's rich, powerful, AND he even knows what Wal-Mart is! She's in love!), and Jessica being entranced by Quayle's down-to-earth charm (hey, she's married to a boy-band member and Britney Spears has outdone her in the "Blonde Virgin Slut" category; she needs some excitement). And sitting at home watching TV, Bill Clinton fumes with jealousy.
- Oxymoron - I've got some etchings of my own at my place, ladies
You guys have finally done it. You've managed to somehow pour together six unrelated celebrities and pseudo-celebrities in a totally whacked situation. I can't think of what the heck to say to all this. I'll go with Hotbranch! because I sort of understood what he was trying to say. And 'cause his name has self-punctuation. Rock on, Hotbranch!....!
- Thought Police
True fact... Picasso was originally thought to have been a still-birth. And yet if not for the timely intervention of a blast of cigar-smoke filled air by a relative, we'd have lost an art genius. And you have to give props to a guy who KNEW he'd be so famous that people would be afraid to cash his check for fear of losing his autograph. Meanwhile, ESPN has pointed out that since 2001, every football player who's graced the cover of a Madden game has had a bad, off &/or injury prone year... Michael Vick anyone? Besides, anyone who likes to espouse the values of Tinactin should be immediately BANNED from handling anything the public would be touching...
Forget who wins, I want to know if Pablo Picasso can lapse into his old habits and start using Paris Hilton's face for an ashtray.
- "JustRob" Carter
man, i didn't think you could have a match that could take longer to settle than the Cubs-Red Soxs match, but you did. Cubs-Red Soxs will go on til armaggetton. this match here will be what God will watching the day after armaggetton when there is nothing else left on the TV.
- BIGMRG74 come on, you are going once a month!! would it kill you to do a RRR??? grrrrrr..... lazy they are!!!
This is one of the toughest Grudge Matches in a long time. The two teams are about even. Since there is no "both lose" option, this match has to be decided somehow. The obvious option of having Picasso paint a picture of John Ashcroft promoting the Patriot Act won't work since President Bush does not believe the Patriot Act is anti-constitutional.
If this were simply a competition pertaining to an art show, Picasso would win hands down. However, this is not an art show. The audience for the artwork are not art critics, but people with severe intellectual impairments. In this situation, Picasso's artistic talent would actually be a disadvantage since neither President Bush nor Paris Hilton have any real artistic discernment skills, thereby wasting Picasso's skill. But, John Madden has a chance. He does not have fancy artistic skills, however his ability to quickly interpret the action out on the football field allows him to see the solution to the problem - do it as a rebus. He could draw a simple picture of an ant, a cup of tea, and a con in jail. This would be enough of a clue for the combined brainpower of Quayle and Jessica Simpson to work out "-stitutional" of it, though it might take them an hour or two to do it.
However, the more likely outcome is that Bert Convy will go insane from the frustration of dealing with such stupid contestants and be taken down by the Secret Service. Then, since the host is gone, the game will be declared over with the outcome to be decided later that afternoon by a golf game between Bush and Quayle at the local country club.
- The Demented Astronomer
It's funny how the two pairings are put together. Bush Jr. and Paris on one end and Quayle and Jessica on the other. The two teams show two different types of stupidity. See, Dubya and Paris are of the "just plain dumb" variety. But Quayle and Jessica, on the other hand, are part of the "brain of a five-year old" variety. And that makes a big difference.
It's just too late for Dubya and Paris. Dubya snorted his away and Paris just ignored them enough that they died of neglect. Quayle and Jessica are actually pretty smart, just not for their ages. Compared to a second grade class, the two of them are in the top 20%, I'm sure.
And it doesn't matter how well Picasso and Madden can draw. In fact, the law of comedy states that if paired with a couple of dummies, a competent artist would never get anything right, no matter how hard he tries. No matter what Madden draws, Dan and Jessica will still make guesses of things like "bicycle!" "balloon!" and "kitty!" And I have a feeling those three words will show up long before "Duh..." comes up for Picasso's team.
John Madden: Oh, these things. This reminds me of when I was a kid. We'd sit out on the stoop and draw pictures.
Pat Summerall: On paper?
Madden: No, no. On the sidewalk.
Summerall: Did you use chalk?
Madden: No, no. We used sticks or pieces of old plaster or dry wall. See, every neighborhood needs one of those families. You know, a family that was always doing home improvement stuff. Then you could get little pieces of dry wall or plaster and draw pictures.
Summerall: Did your family do home improvement?
Madden: Yeah. But we never did anything that took down walls or anything. Nothing where you could get drawing things. We'd just paint and wash windows and that kind of stuff.
Summerall: Did you draw up football plays on the sidewalk?
Madden: No, no, we'd do that in the dirt on the football field. Then, after you drew it up, you'd have to erase it.
Summerall: So that the other team couldn't see what plays you were drawing up.
Madden: Yeah, every team had to have that guy. You know, the guy who'd rub out the play after the huddle broke. You'd draw it up and he'd rub it out.
Summerall: But you never used chalk.
Madden: Right, never chalk. See, kids now have chalk you can buy. They have red ones, and blue ones, and yellow ones. You can draw all kinds of things and have different colors. Now they have those boards you can use markers on but then you can erase the markers. Then the guys never know what to do with the cap. It's supposed to go on the other end, but you can never get it to fit right. So you hold it in your hand. You have the marker in your right hand and the cap in your left hand.
Summerall: And you never had chalk or markers.
- Mark Wentz
I'm guessing about 30-40% of the responses said something like "Let's hope Paris doesn't make another sex tape with ANY of these guys". Am I right?
- Scotty J. - Tell me the truth man, i've got 50 bucks riding on it!
Sorry, it was 28.97% of responses. Pay up, sucka! - Eds.
First of all, we can eliminate the contributions of the ladies. It doesn't matter how smart they are or aren't, neither Dan nor George will let them get a word in edgewise and rob them of a solo victory. As the two men blurt out guesses and argue, the women will patiently wait their turn. And wait, and wait... On to the remaining contestents.
GWB probably doesn't really understand what "anticonstitutional" means, but if he guesses and makes up "wordisms," he's sure to get lucky sooner or later. Sure, he has a skewed viewpoint, but Picasso will see around that adjust.Ol' Danno however, he has no chance of getting this one. Remember the old "potatoe" incident? Where he got in trouble wasn't in spelling it wrong (anyone can misspel a word) but in insisting that he hand't made a mistake and refusing to accept that that word was NOT spelled with an E at the end. Quayle will decide that the word is "Kumquat" and insist that he won, arguing that it HAS to be the answer. The President will take this one in an easy 46 hours.
- The Uncola Man
An artist takes complex subjects and distills them into something easier to understand. Picasso is known for introducing the Cubist movement, turning art into something confusing and unrealistic, thus doing almost as much damage to art as Andy Warhol. A football announcer calls upon years of experience in the field to take the quick-and-dirty, confusing action of football and turn it into something easier to deal with for us plebes back home. Madden is infamous for either blatantly stating facts that a blind man who was raised in an ice cave on Europa would know, or for taking complicated play-by-play actions and obscuring them with a bizarre, vomit-like tableau of yellow-white lines, thereby destroying any chance of understanding what the hell just happened. And the teams are Bush, Hilton, Simpson, and Quayle?... shit, just nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
- Tracer Malone
Pick me! Pick me!
I voted for Picasso because I've always enjoyed abstract art. The reason why I believe that Picasso and his team will win, despite the obvious impediments *ahem* can be quite easily broken down. But first, as I was taught in Math, we must simplify the problem...
- Quayle and Bush, both being heavily resented American politicians, will cancel each other out due to the "American Public Opinon Factor" or APOF(TM) which is as potent as the RAGE(TM) factor.
- Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton can be done away with by the invention of a "Special Case Scenario"(TM) or SCS(TM). In other words, we stick them in a ring together and let 'em do the "canceling out" for us *grins* heh heh... Me so evil. Can you spell "Cat fight"? Mwahahahahahahaha!
THE OUTCOME After, much chagrin *sigh*, I decided to be a kiss-ass and appeal to the guy's ultimate fantasy of two hot chicks (*snicker* Maybe Jessica but I think Paris needs a boob job... just my opinion) scantily clad in string bikinis, slapping around in a pit of mud. Except this is not about the qualities of beer. Since both are mentally impeded by the "Dumb Blonde Factor"(TM) or DBF(TM), this seemed to be the only way of getting rid of the bitches. An hour of squealing, sliding, guys drooling, pushing and exclaims of "...How squishy it is." *rolls eyes* No duh, our combatants are are taken to the side and injected with the "RAGE"(TM) (also on sale in packs 12) to speed the match along. Quicker than you can blink an eye or in this case suck back your spit guys, Jessica, also influenced by "The Simpsons Must Win" Factor (TM) or TSMWF(TM) (I like to simplify.) reduces that flat-chested, whiny, spolied rich brat into tiny pieces. The "Simple Life" was taken off the air due the later "mysterious disappearance" of her equally annoying cousin whose name I can never remember, making my life and the lives of all who value decent television nicer. (Now if we could just bomb the rest of that "Reality TV" crap I'll be much happier.) Jessica on the other hand is immediately crushed under the force of a "Comical Anvil of Death After Assuming Victory-Factor"(TM) or CAODAAV-F(TM)so conveniently employed by yours truly. It is my SCS(TM) and I'll do what I like with it. And last but not least...
- John Madden and Pablo Picasso is the literal embodiment of the constant conflict of "Athletic vs. Academic". being an "Academically Inclined"(TM) person myself, my natural perference is towards things that stimulate the mind. When I look at a Picasso painting, it rivets me to the spot and makes me use all parts of my brain. Instead of just presenting an object as it is, Picasso created a style of painting that made you try to figure out what it is. When I look at Madden's handywork during a game it also makes me try to figure out what it is. Therefore, both are tied at this point. So we'll have to use the "Show Me The Money Factor"(TM).
In the real world (not to jump into reality, but I must make this point.*ducks* Don't hit me...), the SMTM-F(TM) is the real way your position in life and society is determined which brings us to the Bottom Line(TM): Nerds will end up making way more money than Athletes. If you don't believe me go look at the salaries of a deemed nerd and an athlete. Most athletes do make alot of money over a series of years depending on their contract. But when the contract expires and they are to old to play (i.e. Michael Jordan) they must rely on other expenditures such as commercials, endorsing, etc. But for who shall they be endorsing for? Hmmmm... pencils down class. Yes, Johnny? Correct! The nerds! They are also the people paying for the commercials, the head of the company that makes the products to be endorsed, and even the Owner of the Team!!! And there is no contract to a Nerd's wealth (i.e. Bill Gates is set for life) so you jocks better get down on your knees and all hail the power of the "Nerd Factor"(TM)! (Some restrictions may apply. See your local Grudge-Mart retailer for details.)
As you can see I attempted to do my own HTML coding to "jazz it up". Also, to suck up to the Iron Fist. I also wish that y'all would quit slacking and have the "Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee Vs. Brendan the Commentator" match already. C'mon guys make a 15 year old girl's life worthwhile.
- C.J. Sandiego; Lover of Mr. T, High Queen Of Smileys :-), # 1 Grudge-Match and I Can Spell "Anticonstitutional"
FYI, I had to do a lot of HTML clean up for you, so no bonus points there --Uber Editor
Either way, it's not like the Game Show Network (tm) has anything else to fill its time slots with.
The Simpsons never lose, but when Jessica couldn't figure out what chicken of the sea is, what makes you think she could identify a perfectly drawn Charlie the Tuna? And Dan Quayle has learned his lesson about speaking out in public, he won't be a factor. That leaves Bush & Hilton. Bush would silence Paris the way he has his daughters (I frequent many bars in D.C. and I still haven't ran into the drunken Bush daughters). So that just leaves Bush. . .
With no love of the French, and being a big sports fan, Bush would be able to decipher whatever the hell Madden is drawing -- giving Madden the win? Damn, this is going to be another Florida. Piccasso after 5 recounts and a Supreme Court decision.
- Wise Ass
Oh, this is so easy. Odds are, Picasso won't even have to do any work to win. I mean, anticonstitutional? I had to hunt for 15 minutes to prove that it was a word in English. It sounds like something W would say instead of the actual word. Picasso just needs to do something to upset Bush, and I'm sure that eventually said action will get Bush to mutter something about something anticonstitutional, and they will win. Well, except Picasso, who will be tried for being French. But hey, true champions do anything, including getting arrested on stupid charges, for victory.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
In order to pick a winner from this competition of incoherence, let's start by looking at the two artists. Realize that both have only a blank white page to draw on, and an immediate question pops up - what is Madden going to circle? I'll grant that Madden would be a more proficient marker-handler than Picasso, but with no picture to begin with, that advantage becomes a moot point. Either a) Madden, with a stare as blank as the page before him, shuts up for the first time since he learned to speak (excluding meal times, of course) and starts to shiver uncontrollably, or b) Madden yells for someone to put the picture up on the easel for him to work with, so Bert comes over and re-explains the rules to him only to enter a 4-hour argument over whether or not a picture should be put up or not. Picasso, meanwhile, is left with all the time he needs to draw his illogical representations of "anticonstitutional". Clearly, Picasso's team has the advantage up at the board. But the clear discrepancy in the two guessing duos gives the victory back to Madden.
Quayle and Simpson, certainly not bursting with intelligence, are simply the only team which knows of the existance of the word anticonstitutional. George "Limits to Freedom" Bush has been kept ignorant of the fact that there exists such a thing as the Constitution by his father in order to try to keep him from being confused. Paris "What are wells for?" Hilton simply lacks the intelligence of your average six-year-old (and that's being generous). Trying to decode what Picasso draws is tough enough to begin with (though his particular brand of illogic might appeal to Bush), but the fact that it will be impossible for Bush and Hilton to come up with the word spells their doom, and gives victory to Madden's squad (which is promptly presented with a turducken).
- The Ghost of Tom Joad
What most people don't seem to notice here, is that Bush is both Stupid and an incredibly bad speaker. This is not true. He is an infinately bad speaker.But he is, intelligence wise, much smarter than the rest of the bunch. Therefore, Bush will figure out Anti-Constitutional hours before anyone else. He will need those hours to say the word though. Bush will start off with words like... "Anti-Concentrational" "Ants with Constitution" "Anteater" After about 2 hours off this, the judges, tired of Dubya saying things along the lines of, "I believe the Ant and the Constitution can coexist peacefully", they will decide that, "Antithesis-Constitutional" is close enough in sound and meaning, and will give the award to him and Pablo, just to make it stop.
Need further proof? Anti-Constitutional is not an often used word. In attempting to say UN-Constitutional, Bush will get closer and closer to the word that isn't what he's shooting for.The end result is that victory is Pablo, and Bush will be the first American ever to appear on Engrish.com
At first sight, it might seem obvious that Picasso will win this, since his work bears somewhat more resemblance to actual objects than that of Madden. Remember, however, that Picasso is making a serious attempt at representational art, so we have to assume that this is the best he can do. Madden, on the other hand, isn't actually trying to depict objects, so the work we've seen from him so far isn't a fair sample of his artistic talent. Bearing this in mind, I have to go with Madden
Given: Pablo Picasso is French.We know that Bush doesn't want to have anything to do with the French so count him off the team immediately. History has also shown us that the French can't win anything without help from the U.S. (see WWI, WWII etc...) UNLESS they are being led by a schizophrenic woman (The Messenger-Joan of Arc).
Since Paris Hilton probably has a number of untreated STDs one of them will most likely be Syphillis. Everyone knows that untreated syphillis leads to a form of demetia similar to schizophrenia. Paris Hilton starts hearing voices during the match that she construes as the voice of God telling her to lead Picasso to overthrow the evil Madden who has taken over the board and keeps mindlessly discussing how you can see offensive linemens crack sweat when they are working hard. Picasso, following his schizophrenic leader, lops off Maddens head (and there was much rejoicing) takes the board, and leads his team to victory.
Has everyone forgotten the word of consequence? "anticonstitutional", Bush yells this about 348 times a day! Match goes to Picaso's team in under 3 seconds flat: "That's anticonstitutional! You terrorist!", "That's anticonstitutional! Only draw american style!", "That's anticonstitutional! Get me a soda!"
Of course, if you look at the example of artwork for Picasso, you'll see that there is a recognizeable outline of a human face to the left of the less-obvious figure in the foreground. This is proof that Picasso CAN convey simple concepts if he so chooses. On the other hand, we have John Madden's "explanation" of god-knows-what. This is a man who is TRYING to convey simple concepts to his audience, but lacks the eye-hand coordination necessary to locate his own ass in a dark room.
Eventually, Picasso will get hungry for cheese sticks (the only reason he was living in France to begin with) and revert to realism for the few moments necessary to draw Bush's signing of the Patriot Act, and let Paris draw the obvious connection. Picasso and Paris play and prevail at their Pictionary-esque pastime, then proceed to her Porsche to pork repeatedly.
- The Mad Josher
I, like no doubt many readers, took only a cursory glance at theintroduction to this match and skipped straight to the actualcommentary. Thus, once I understood the concept of the match, Iassumed that it was HOMER Simpson involved rather than Jessica.Now, granted, one big fat loudmouthed imbecile in a match is probablysufficient (I speak, naturally, of Picasso. Many art fans forget his"angry jerk" period), but damn you for teasing me with what could havebeen a far more interesting and disturbing match.Oh, I see now. The teams are themed. Drawing Guy/BumblingPolitician/Bimbo. Well, bully for you. Here's a tip, maybe I wouldhave got it sooner if you'd bothered to use a politician from thiscentury. And...that would sound a little more scathing if it weren'talso...technically true.And, ya know, if not for the whole confusion of Jessica Simpson withHomer Simpson...What the hell was I talking about?Um...I think Picasso's team will win, for no particular reason otherthan a general hostility at the...minutes...I've lost being forced toplay his various football simulatories by people who cared about suchthings far more than I, and because I don't know what Jessica Simpsonlooks like, while I do know what Paris Hilton looks like, thus givingPicasso's team a greater Conceptual Babe score.
- Insomnus, reminding you that "Art Fan" and "football simulatories" are original terms owned by me.
Paris Hilon is a slut. That's not a very profound insight, but it's true.
- The Vigilante
MIKE: Oh no! We got grudge-match sign!
CROW: And look out for 'The revenge of the Commentary'!
MIKE: Don't give Pearl any ideas, Crow.
HOTBRANCH: Despite his eccentricities in his later years, this game will go to the Bush/Hilton/Picasso triumvirate, based on the cubist's ability to draw semi recognizable shapes.
TOM: "eccentricites"? Picasso?
MIKE: No, he means Bush, duh! He's either stupid, crazy, or eccentric. And since the whole dixie chicks thing, They wouldn't mention the first two. The Quayle/Simpson/Madden team is doomed to a bunch of Xs, Os, Ts, and squiggly lines that make every single word resemble a halfback pass play
TOM: "Resembles"? Yeah, right! Not even his plays look like plays! *A few seconds later* I hear your counter-argument already: no matter how clear the illustration, Bush and Hilton are too dimwitted to get the word right.
HOTBRANCH: You know why?? Because it's obvious! Like your upper body, your argument is weak.
CROW: HEY! It's not my fault I ca'nt use my arms! I was made this way!! I'll grant you that, individually, Dubya and Paris might not be able to get the word out, but as a team, they will produce a sound that is close enough (aunty-constimutushunil), allowing Bert Convey to declare a champion. Madden should stick to what he knows: riding on buses and driving his play-by-play men to drink.
JOHN: Hotbranch, if you're going to try to make my counter-arguments for me, make sure you cover your kids in garbage bags
MIKE: That's how I punished my kids when I was on earth!
TOM: I bet you miss 'em.
MIKE: (long, hearty laugh) How did you keep a straight face while saying that? (continues laughing)
TOM: I couldn't. You can't see me in the dark! (sniggers) so they don't get daddy's brain flecks on them when your tiny head explodes trying to process thoughts that are clearly too grand for it.
MIKE: And that's what happened to my wife! *Soon* Also - great point about the Sharpie being a classic tool of the artist trade. Why just last week I saw a Matisse exhibit done entirely in highlighter pen.
CROW: Nnnooooo.... that was a grease stain on your elbow.
JOHN: Madden has much more experience with felt markers, what with him personally slashing prices at Ace Hardware (Ace is the Place). Plus, he is a natural at breaking down and translating seemingly incomprehensible football happenings - from how in God's name Jerome Bettis can pinwheel into the end zone with such a low center of gravity to what the hell Terry Bradshaw and Eric Dickerson are talking about. Just wait until he gets a word that has anything to do with pro sports - he'll be all over it like BOOM tough actin' Tinactin.
CROW: (soft, girly voice) I can be your hero, baby! I can kiss away the pain!
*A while later*
JOHN: Well, Hotbranch!, the video game connection only works as a curse for the person on the cover of the game.
MIKE: To give a good argument, add an exlamation point to your name!Madden just needs to work his EA Sports contacts to get a new gaming franchise going - EA Win, Lose or Draw 2004, with Pablo Picasso on the cover. Picasso's chances of winning will be crushed faster than the hood of Danny Heatley's Ferrari.
CROW: That was as funny as an apple with a banana! It's the funniest thing since the monkeys invaded! Yes, it sure beat the other more then Jessica Simpson eating! It can-
MIKE: ssssshhhhh!! Convy also won't disqualify Madden for speaking during a round - the most he can do is forfeit the question in play. So it takes a while longer - Madden et al will still win. Plus, even if Madden did speak, let's not forget that he won't be miked on this show; it's possible that his words will be drowned out by the incessant rumbling from his digestive tract. Also, Hotbranch!, having Jessica Simpson on the team will, counterintuitively, be a huge plus, because as every Grudge Match fan knows, the Simpsons never lose (hah!).
TOM: They also won't be Tomed or Crowed from the show.....sorry, I just haven't said anything for awhile.
JOHN: Moreover, if Pablo Picasso a) somehow manages to betray decades of cubist dogma to accurately and clearly portray an everyday concept, and b) manages to get such a clear concept past the unrelenting vacuum of thought that is Paris Hilton's brain - well even if that manages to happen, before the single pair of synapses can fire in Hilton to get her to connect her thoughts to words - she and Picasso will be set upon and killed by Raiders fans, who Madden holds in sway. (Note to Fox executives - you still have ample preparation time for your newest show: The Simple Afterlife.)
CROW: Before this ends, I need to add a remark about the match. Bush, being Bush would win by adding the drawing to the axis of evil. That will close enough.
TOM: Here come the credits... "Thanks to Toshi Mogi for suggesting this match"
MIKE: That's it? Figures! No one worked on the commentary.
[Mike carries Tom off set, followed by Crow]
- -Lose weight now, ask me how!
God help anyone who is actually present at this stupidity match. Its like sticking the five biggest morons ever alive in one room and throwing in an emotional unbalanced Spanishfrench man. Jessica has a edge over Paris because she is not currently suffering from an onset of STD's. All the medicine Paris must be taking to keep her herpes in check must be making her a little bit dumbier than usual. Jessica may appear stupid but at least she graduated from highschool without having to sleep with the teachers and having daddy pay to have her bad grades changed.
Bush and Quayle are worth a pile of flaming dogfeces as far as there attention spans go. Though this word might be right up their alley as far as their professions go it doesn't mean their intelligence is anywhere near figuring it out. Oh the other hand there is always the possiblitiy that the abstract way Picasso draws might remind Bush of the way he finger paints pictures for his presidential notes and he will reconginize the word being depicted in Picasso's art. Then his excited utterance of the word will cause Jessica to absent mindly ask if "Whats anticonstitutional? Is that something to help you go to the bathroom?" Thus winning the match for her team and at the same remaining as ditzy as needed to keep the ratings up on her show.
- Pinky.... the real genius behind the Brain
Bert Convy: So, Jessica, it looks like both you and Quayle don't have any idea what John is sketching.
Jessica Simpson: Wait, there's a Quail on my team?
JS: Then where's the cute little bird, anyway?
BC: No, there's no bird (?).
JS: There's not?
JS: Didn't you say there was a Quail on my team?
BC: Yes, he's sitting right beside you.
JS: That's a man, not a quail.
BC: That's Dan Quayle.
JS: A quail named Dan? Ok. Does he talk? Or just chirp?
BC: (Grrrr...) Quayle is his name.
JS: So is this a person, what I have, or is this a quail? I know it's a person, but he's called "Quail". Dan the Quail.
BC: No, not "Dan the Quail". Quayle is his name, not his species!
JS: So he's "Quayle the Quail?"
BC: His name is Dan Quayle! He was the Vice-President under George Bush Senior!
JS: George Bush?
JS: No, he's on Picasso's team. I'm with the football guy and Quayle the Quail.
Quayle: (and they thought I was a bird-brain!)
Madden: Hey, shaddup! I'm watching the Superbowl!!!
... this continues for another three hours, until Picasso can't take it anymore and draws "anticonstitutional" by sketching a picture of the constitution, then crossing it out and drawing a big circle around it. Four hours later, George W. Bush nearly melts his brain and stumbles upon the answer. Madden, who is glad after seeing his Superbowl pick win in quadrouple overtime, decides to give his sketch analysis of Bush's thought process - Jessica sees it and says, "Ummmm, is it anticonstitutional?" and the angry audience storms the stage in a fit of unforgiving rage.
- Dom (so Picasso lived inside France's capital city? I guess that's one more person I know of who has been inside Paris.)
Well, i would have to say this match goes to John Madden. you see, it's only a matter of time until Picasso does something to piss Madden off. It's impossible to avoid, because those who knew Pablo Picasso have written about his general buttheadish nature, and you can bet he'll respond to Madden's personable attitude with snobbish hostility. Yes, Pablo will unwittingly call Madden 'le merde' or something. John, although he doesn't know what it means, will let his ornery red-blooded american anti-french side come out, and repsond to the general frenchness of the comment. Picasso will then try to shame John with his superior intellect, but years of giving play-by-plays of incomplete passes and helmet grabs has left Madden numb to french witticism. Pablo will realize what he's gotten himself into and try to apologize(in french), but Madden's only alternative language is pig-latin. And so, Picasso will pass out from the fumes of the felt marker as Madden unsuccesfully tries to gore him with his sharpie.
But the hosts won't disqualify John Madden because attacking someone with a pointy object is pretty unconstitutional. The judges have a meeting and decide that performance art is okay for the contest and even though none of his team-mates guessed correctly (or at all) The hosts will just call it a day and pronounce Madden the winner.
- that thing under your couch
To me, it is blantantly obvious that Picasso will win. Why? Well, let's go over all the factors in this fight. No, I don't think any of them are offical Grudge Match factors, but you what? I don't care.
The Symbolism Factor: Picasso's paintings and drawing may appear as a bunch of mishmash at first glance, but the cubist's work has true meaning. On the other hand, the only person who knows just what Madden's "telestrations" mean is Madden himself, and occasionally not even then. Advantage: Picasso
The Irrelavent Supporting Cast Factor: The teams that have to guess the picture do not matter, as I feel they contain equal amounts of intelligence, and therefore cancel each other out. In other words, it's all about Madden and Picasso. Advantage: Push (Duh.)
The Enough Is Enough Factor: Picasso, like many great artists, knows when a piece of art has just enough substance to it to say what needs to be said (i.e. anticonstitutional). Whereas Madden never stops. He will continue to telestrate until he informs the viewers which direction the audience is performing "The Wave". Therefore, Madden's team will never quite figure out what he's getting at. Advantage: Picasso
The Tinactin Factor: This really has nothing to do with the match at hand, but I think Picasso should get bonus points just because Madden is in a commerical I really despise. So there. Advantage: Picasso
So, there you have it. Pablo in a landslide.
Pablo Picasso is a European, trying to convey a simple concept to George W. Bush. Given past precedent, do you really think he has ANY hope of succeeding? I don't. For that reason alone, I have to give the edge to Madden.
First off, if John says that violence is the answer (and on Grudge Match, it always is), we won't have to wait around for the equivalent of one of two pairs of monkeys to write the entire works of Shakespeare. Let's Compare: John Madden: Football is violent, but he's just a commentator, not a player.
Pablo Picasso: If that Van Gogh movie taught me anything, it's that artists are insane and filled with RAGE (TM) from being unable to sell their paintings until after death. Van Gogh even got in a fist fight with Monet!
The Verdict: John Madden gets his face rearranged in 30 seconds.
- The One Who plays too many video games
When this match started we were on Hour 37 of Celebrity Win, Lose or Draw.
But hang on a second, it says that this match is supposed to end on February the 1st. This therefore means that we're going to go all the way to Hour 840 before this damn show ends.
Oh God, you've unleashed on Bert Convy Above The Below: The Sequel!
- Jonathan Milne "Today, my name is below the above"
Bush wouldn't know what anticonstitutional is if he used the Constitution to wipe his own arse with it and then threw it at his aunt!!! i think they go on to another word, Poultry, and Pablo will draw a can of tuna. Dan Quayle, having nothing better to do since 1992, has watched more than an unhealty share of the Newlywed's and looks right at Jessica and blurts out "Chicken of the Sea"! Its close enuff and the judges allow it, mostly because they are down to using the donut cushions to sit there for the past two days. Winner, Pablo Picasso!! Either way, the winner here is going to make for one hellacious contestant to match up with in the next TOC.
- BIGMRG74 - still wondering why Oxy won't write to me, Are you chicken??
Too bad for Picasso. While all the factors add up, it's not going to be the french factor, or Grudge Match Precedent. No, this one is lost because of one reason. Paris and Bush are slightly lower than head cheese on the intellegence factor.Thus, After 6+10^90 hours later, Madden wins. Why? 'cause Picasso's team sucks like a Teenager in Kobe Bryant's Hotel room.
- Keeper of the Light, ©2004
The other day, I saw a painting that consisted solely of a red canvas, with three sides of the outline of a black rectangle. This was a professional piece of artwork, people. This is what they call modern art. It started with Picasso and cubism, and now artists with real talent are never recognized, while failed attempts at building a barbecue grill are sold for millions of dollars.
Just for that, I hope Picasso loses.
- king rex the first
I read in a magazine that Paris Hilton has a pet Chihuahua.
The only Grudge Math(TM) a Chihuahua was in, it lost.
Ergo: Victory for Madden!!!! ::yay!!::
Then, when Madden won, he'll shove that dumb pitchfork Paris poses with for her show up her skinny little ass.
Could there possibly be a larger gathering of stupidity than this unjust matchup?Bert Convy would have committed hari-kari way before the 37th hour!The match is declared a draw(pun intended)based on the sheer lack of any type of reasonable brain power.The fact that there does exist THE FRENCH CONNECTION(tm) with Picasso hardly seems important, again due to small motor skills being non-functional amongst what you bravely call the contestants.It's a draw......
Often, when both quarterbacks are unable to keep their hands on the ball, it falls to another player to step up and win the games.
In a game this far into overtime, there is only one viable option: throw out a random guesses, give a Hail Mary, and hope you get lucky.
The player to watch will be Jessica Simpson. With a singer's lung
capacity, an impressive array of remixes, and nearly a dozen songs
with "you" in the title, her stats are impeccable. She will
have no trouble mastering the classic Win, Lose, or Draw
tactic known as "shoat out as many guesses on a common theme as
possible without pausing for breath." Like a million monkeys at
a million typewriters, eventually she will
The odds are clearly in favor of the Madden/Quale/Simpson team.
Madden will win in whatever compiteton he is in for 2 simple reasons. 1) He was involved in the greatest game ever Madden 2004 @) He is the fat guy and the fat guys always either win or get the girl.
P.S Hotbranch rules even thogh he messed up Brian and Steve's site.
- The One to be feared
I sit here, in front of my computer. I go to WWWF Grudge Match. Maybe... Maybe today... Damn, no, still Madden Vs. Piccaso. My votes have been used up, and there's only so much enjoyment you can get from seeing pictures of the narrator of a sport I don't watch against a guy who's painted pictures I've never seen. This has been up for a month, AND I CAN'T TAKE IT NO LONGER!
Does this mean I have to find other stuff to do on the internet?
After finding Grudge Match, I pretty much parked my car here, and haven't done anything sense. I type in "Google." I've heard of things about that on TV... Hmmm, nice logo. What's this thing again? An exploration engine? I type in "fun site" in hope that it will give me a fun site.
GREAT, HORNY CHICKS WITH DICKS...
I exit my browser, start up a new one, permenetly branded for life. It pops back to Grudge Match. I look at the pictures again, and decide to check out the links. I see a link for Celebraty Deathmatch from MTV, and go there. Immediety, I'm bombed by a hundred or so pop ups, saying I've won enough prizes and dream vacations to never work again... I smile, realize my good luck, and start clicking links.
However, each popup becomes two, two becomes four, and not long after, my screen is covered in two thousand or so. So, I turn off my computer, reboot it, and open another browser.
"Hello, Grudge Match... Hehehehe. My precious!"
I make one last effort. I check my e-mail, which I haven't looked at in a good four years...
GREAT, HORNY CHICKS WITH DICKS...
You know, that round picture of Picasso ain't so bad anymore...
- Killer B (Who has a website of his own)
If Dick Cheney and Al Davis can't rig the result of a game of Win, Lose, or Draw for Madden and Dubya, then we are in more trouble than a Texas Democrat after redistricting!
- Dr. Stones
If you put a hundred monkeys in a room with a hundred crayons for a hundred years, they'd get it right before either contestant does.
Next Match: Men in chains
Next Match: Men in chains